#her parents are very much into that kind of shit. no vaccines just drink this sat water and throw up

[numbaoneflaya]

I just know that mf's parents were giving her Jilly Juice en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jilly_Juice

Losing my fucking mind right now theres no way thats actually called jilly juice. They would absolutely give her this and shed fucking HATE IT so much can you imagine the taste?? warm salt water and fermented cabbage. They were giving her that every so often in an effort to "cure her". Lore added thank you summer. Its even fucking called Jilly juice

#her parents are very much into that kind of shit. no vaccines just drink this sat water and throw up #jilly #JILLY JUICE.... IT SOUNDS SO SILLY AND CUTE #shed be so excited as a kid like THEY NAMED A DRINK AFTER ME :D then drink it and be like :/ must be another jilly

[storiesofsvu]

The Nanny With Benefits ch 6

Warnings: language. Talk of poly shit, that’s about it. (also im sure some of you are all ”katt…stop tagging me cause this is clearly just gonna be rita…trust me…this will be poly, and rafael will be getting his dick wet…. )

A week and a half later and the chicken pox fiasco had finally subsided. Thankfully, and after a brief check in with the doctor (both the paediatrician and Rita’s) they’d determined that the period of contagion was definitely over and it was fine for everyone to be around each other again. You’d kept a very close eye on everyone in the apartment, not totally trusting that Rita was healthy yet, she was still rather lethargic and had a lingering cough she couldn’t seem to beat. Isabella however was up and running with her normal energy returned only a few days after her fever, and was happy to have her brother back in the apartment to play with. Out of caution, you’d kept them both inside until everything was fully in the clear and it was apparent no one else was going to catch any kind of cold or flu from the germs in the house. The entire thing had made everyone a little bit stir crazy, you hadn’t wanted to spend much time with friends during the debacle since most of yours were teachers, nannies, or other careers that spent a lot of time around young children.

The cabin fever was finally broken when your group chat lit up with playground plans on Tuesday. Said group chat involved you, Lucy (Olivia’s nanny) and Julia (Amanda’s nanny), considering the kids all knew each other and the squad was family, it made sense that you spent play dates together instead of randoms or people that the parents weren’t fond of. The kids always got super excited for all of them, Amanda’s girls were roughly the same ages as Damian and Isabella, while Noah was a bit older, he still had a lot of fun with them and liked to play the big brother role, and it really was adorable.

You’d been running late, Damian had spotted the Starbucks logo on the way to the park and insisted on stopping for a drink (a habit you had no doubt came from his parents), so you got them both caffeine free beverages, and iced coffee for the adult crew. You finally rolled into the park, stopping the stroller by the bench Lucy and Julia were at, Damian un clipped himself and darted off before you could even say a word, and once you’d unbuckled Isabella she let out a very loud squeal and darted off after her brother.

“Was starting to think you weren’t coming.” Julia greeted with a tease and you laughed.

“You kidding me? I’ve been trapped in the house for nearly two weeks taking care of two fucking babies…” you dolled out the coffees to the other two as you sat yourself down on the park bench, eyes instantly searching out the kids, “I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

“I thought Damian didn’t get sick?” Julia asked and you laughed again.

“He didn’t. Rita caught it, turns out that’s definitely where Is gets her neediness from.”

“How did she catch it?” Lucy gasped.

“Turns out she was never vaccinated.” You shrugged over a sip of coffee, “I made sure she got an appointment to catch up on everything she’d missed once she was better.”

“You know…sometimes I wonder who you’re actually supposed to be taking care of over there.” Julia laughed and you nearly snorted.

“I made that comment at my interview. They give me a weekly bonus to make sure they have meals prepped and to run errands for them on top of taking care of the kids.”

“As long as they’re paying you enough.” Lucy replied.

“Please…with Rita’s budget…I’m pretty sure I’m being over paid.”

“So she really is the one in charge over there, hey?” She replied and you laughed over another sip of coffee.

“It seems so. I won’t lie…there’s like, some weird vibes in this marriage. It’s not like anything I’ve ever worked with before and I am very confused about a lot of it.”

“What’d’you mean?” Julia asked before suddenly calling out to Jessie to play nice.

“It’s been nearly a year and like…I don’t think I’ve ever seen them actually kiss. Like there have been some brief cheek kisses, but nothing on the lips.”

“Is that that weird though?” Julia asked, “like, keep it professional in front of the nanny?”

“Normally I’d say so,” Lucy cut in, “but aren’t you on a live-in contract?”

“Yeah.” You nodded, turning to them, “like we spend a lot of time together. I’ve hung out with them individually and together and there is just this…like…vibe. They clearly care about each other, but I almost feel like there’s something else going on? I didn’t realize, but I’m pretty sure they have separate bedrooms…and when Rita had pox’s she asked me to put lotion on them instead of Rafael…”

“Maybe she just didn’t want to risk transferring it?” Julia offered.

“No..I think you’re onto something.” Lucy retorted, “I remember when they got married, Liv said it was completely out of the blue and very last minute. Like…no one knew they’d been dating, and that seems suspicious for two lawyers working opposite sides, doesn’t it?”

“Maybe they were fucking and Damian was a whoopsie?” Julia offered up and you shut down that thought.

“No. They used surrogates for both kids.”

“Do you think maybe they’re both gay and covering for each other?” Julia asked suddenly, pulling laughs from you and Lucy.

“No.” You sipped at the coffee, “I mean…maybe there’s something, but they have definitely fucked. Like, there’s that certain spark there that can’t be faked. And I’ve heard a couple of Harvard stories that would confirm that.” You laughed, “and why would they bother covering for each other this late in life? Rita’s parents are long gone, and Lucia’s fully in support of whatever Raf does. Which..” your head tilted in curiosity as you glanced towards Julia, “she..well…both of them…tease Raf about Sonny a lot. You said he’s around a lot, right?”

“Yeah.” She replied, “him and Amanda definitely have something going on. But I’ve also seen Rita leaving Amanda’s apartment at god awful early hours of the morning. Mainly on nights when the girls stayed with me…”

“The plot thickens…” You raised a brow, sipping at your drink.

“I’ve definitely seen both Rita and Raf at Liv’s.” Lucy commented, “I figured it was just a friendship thing, but now I’m rethinking it…”

“What is it like in that house?” Julia suddenly commented and you grimaced.

“I mean, it’s great, honestly, best family I’ve ever nannied for. But….in terms of this topic….things are very flirtatious….like…not to the uncomfortable point, but there certainly is something going on. And like…I’m not the one to fulfill the stereotype of the nanny fucking the Dad, but I’m not even sure I have to worry about that in the situation. Rita’s flirtation is definitely more aggressive, but Rafael’s is definitely still there. And I am just confused!” You laughed.

“Maybe they’re poly?” Lucy shrugged.

“I’ve been there over a year already and I’ve never seen anyone else in or out of the apartment.”

“You said Rita’s got a lot of cash, maybe they’ve got a separate apartment for that?”

“I dunno.” You chewed on the tip of your straw, “that doesn’t seem like the vibe. If they’re not at home with the kids, they’re at work. They both truly are only passionate about two things, and I don’t see how they’d have time or energy to like, be out in the city seeking out a third.”

“Well clearly they don’t have to.” Julia nudged at your arm with a smirk, “you’re already living in their house.”

“Oh fucking stop it!” You swatted at her arm heavily, “I am their nanny, and that is it!”

“Okay but there clearly is something weird going on here, we can agree on that, right?” Lucy laughed, shifting to toss her empty cup in the trash.

“I mean…probably.” You replied.

“Why don’t we meet up for drinks tonight?”Julia asked, “somewhere we can debunk all this without prying ears?” You laughed, rolling your eyes, but still nodded,

“Sounds perfect.”

“Good!” She smiled, “cause I’ve gotta get Jessie to a gymnastics class and I don’t want to miss this outcome!” With another laugh she was calling the girls and doing goodbyes before leaving the park.

You and Lucy decided that once the kids got bored of the park you’d move on, taking them to the zoo. The rest of the afternoon was spent there, pointing out the animals, buying them treats and genuinely having a good time. Noah was the perfect friend, guiding Damian through the exhibits while Isabella swapped between toddling through the rooms, or perched on yours or Lucy’s hip’s. The five of you stopped for a late lunch at their cafeteria, making sure everyone got their fill of animal shaped foods before you packed it all up and made your way back to the cars and home.

Overall, you were nearly more confused at the end of the day, but you knew that whatever happened, you loved this job, and you loved this family, and would always love being a part of it.

The kids barrelled into the apartment (probably a little sugar high) as they darted towards the living room for t.v time, and you were a little surprised to hear Rita’s laugh echoing through the space.

“I suppose they had fun today?” She asked with a grin as you dropped the bag by the door, stepping out of your shoes.

“I would hope they did. The park and the zoo, and all their friends? I think we hit all the buttons. Sorry…if they’re a little riled up, Lucy and I definitely let them indulge in a little too much sugar than normal, but I promise I can take care of bedtime tonight if they’re being fussy.”

“None sense.” Rita laughed, “they are still my kids after all.”

“You really aren’t like the other parents on the Upper East Side.”

“Oh we really, really aren’t.” She replied and you swore she was smirking as she moved through the kitchen, “it’s just boxed mac and cheese, I can handle it. Why don’t you go get changed? Rafael’s working late, I can start feeding the kids.”

“Okay.” You smiled, nearly feeling your cheeks heat before you darted down the hallway to change.

There was just something so incredibly compelling about Rita. The way that she knew exactly what she was doing. You were so used to the stereotype that the husband and the nanny had some weird affair, yet here you were in a backwards situation, yet also feeling like Raf had been a bit flirty. It was very safe to say that once the kids were asleep, you would definitely be meeting up with Lucy and Julia to at least attempt to figure out your thoughts on what was actually going on in this marriage.

_______

@melk917 @stone-hearted-seymour @alexusonfire @nocreditinthestraightworld @holycrapraewth @1-lindsay83 @ms-calhoun @thatesqcrush @tinyboxxtink @detective-giggles @teamsladsandgents @witches-unruly-heart @lannister-slings-and-arrows @lazaretta @drduckthief @addictedtodinosaurs @jamiethetrans @bumblebear30 @natasha-danvers @bookpillows @swimmingstudentchaos891 @newyorker14 @screenee @savannah-elliott @lawandorderuswnt @whimsicallymad @poisonedcrowns @Audrey-tindalls-punchingbagwh0r3

#Rita calhoun #barhoun #rafael barba #rita calhoun x reader #rafael barba x reader #Barhoun x reader #law and order svu #poly!barhoun x reader #the nanny with benefits

[amphtaminedreams]

The Summer of Disappointment: Lookbook no.11

Hi to anyone reading,

Welcome to an exploration of one of my favourite combinations of activities: putting outfits together and moaning. Straight off the bat-this summer has been a shitty one. The pandemic has made 2020 a shitty year all round. My feelings are best summed up in this tweet by @25lambs (I love her account but this girl changes her @ every other week so it will probably have changed again by the time I post this):

The uncertainty of when life will return to some semblance of “normality” is the hardest part. I also feel like I lost a big chunk of my life to, well, being miserable basically, especially during my teen years and my plans to make up for that in my 20s has been potentially snatched away. That being said, in the grand scheme of things, I am very lucky. I still have a job and I haven’t lost anyone close to me, which are both hugely traumatic things that many people have had to go through as a result of the pandemic. I think being sad about how the pandemic has affected your life and also recognising that there are people who are facing a far greater amount of hardship than you are not mutually exclusive which is something people online tend to forget on a daily basis. I also thought we had longer, if that makes sense, like summer came and went in such a short space of time it almost feels like it hasn’t happened yet, and being the extremely anal individual I am, of course I had a load of outfits planned that I never got round to wearing-instead of sulking about what didn’t happen, I instead decided I’d make a bit of a lookbook out of those outfits as well as a kind of diary of what I did get round to wearing.

So that’s enough rambling from me! I’ll get on with it!

Looks 1-3

Depop has been my absolute favourite thing for the last few months. I gave up fast fashion around May and apart from a slip up or two, I’ve pretty much stuck to that since. That being said, I am clearly very into fashion and styling and so it’s been a hard transition to make (yes, first world problems IK, don’t bait me), especially with me being a compulsive shopper. Wanna know how to lose weight? The jig is up guys, switch from emotional eating to emotional shopping. I’m joking, nobody needs to lose any weight, but I am 100% someone who attempts to cure feeling like shit with some good old instant gratification, and Depop has filled my fast fashion void. My favourite purchases from the last few months include this tan faux suede jacket on the left I bought from Tash_Hall’s shop, and aside from that everything here is old. It makes me feel like I’m a background extra in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and I’m into that. The movie was shit but the visuals were top tier.

-21/07/20-

(top handmade by sophieeee_1123 on Depop)

-30/09/20- 

(dress from maisiemainwaring on Depop, jacket from marinamcaleesex)

-18/09/20-

(top handmade by maddypageknitwear on Depop)

-25/07/20-

(cargo trousers from amber_thomson1 on Depop)

Looks 4-6

So I doubt anyone actually reads my fashion week reviews-I know everyone’s here for the pictures-but if you did, you’d know how much I wanted last season’s Erdem hats to happen off the runway. You know, the big boater ones that tie under the chin? Well, I got one off Ebay, as you can see on the left, I can confirm that in anything other than still life they look absolutely fucking ridiculous; I never ended up wearing mine outside the house because if I wore it for more than two seconds it would end up teetering to one side and slipping off my head, hence me trying to pass off holding it up as a fashion moment, lol. Maybe they are completely impractical, maybe I just have a big head (which is true), who knows. The beaded butterfly top however (from Depop but I can’t find the seller’s account anymore!), also on the left, was way more flattering on than I expected it to be and I am gutted I didn’t get to wear it out. If they’re right about a vaccine not being ready until July 2021 then it looks like next summer’s festival season will be cancelled too, but festival season 2022, this top is coming for ya. Optimism, you know. Other than that, the shorts are reworked Levis from Studsnstuff vintage on Ebay, which I have ALWAYS wanted and now irritatingly pair with absolutely everything and call it a look, and the two piece is stolen from my sister’s wardrobe, lol. Lastly, we have the sunhat, which reminds me of something my parents would’ve put me in when I was little and is totally adorable, from Happydais’ Depop store.

-28/07/20-

-12/07/20-

(top from tash2 on Depop, skirt from anishacassanova)

-27/08/20-

(skirt from mollie_morton on Depop)

-19/08/20-

(jeans from izziesanders on Depop)

-16/09/20-

Looks 6-10

Up there with my favourite Depop purchases of the summer is the striped corduroy trousers in the bottom right from Annasctx’s shop. I was desperate for some vintage trousers in this style but most resellers were, typically, charging extortionate prices for them, so it was a blessing to come across these for under £30. It sounds like a lot but they are a popular item on there at the moment so it’s a good price considering! Also from Depop is the red bodysuit from Alzaska’s store, the monogrammed headband from Jadexlaurenx’s store, and the PU flame print beret from House_of_erotique who do the most AMAZING custom pieces. I am waiting on a couple of things from them at the moment for an American Horror Story inspired lookbook I’m doing for halloween and I am buzzing to try them on! The bag I’m using here is my new go to-it’s a second hand Calvin Klein I found for THIRTY FUCKING POUND in a local charity shop! The woman at the tills told me that lots of people had gone to buy it and then put it back because it was too expensive which is insane! I know you go into a charity shop for cheap things but this bag was such a steal I have no idea how nobody just bit the bullet and bought it. Anyways, I’m not complaining because now it’s mine and I'm in love and I’m gonna try not to spill a monster energy drink on this one<3 

-26/08/20-

-18/08/20-

(suit from emmafisher3 on Depop)

-10/09/20-

-15/08/20-

So, that’s it for now! If you got to this point, thank you for reading! I’m sorry it’s not longer but I’m finding it really hard to motivate myself to write at the moment with everything going on-I’m only finishing this now because it’s 3:30AM and my friend’s cat that I’m looking after is keeping me awake and I’m too much of a softy to shut it out the bedroom. London has just gone into tier 2 lockdown which means I can’t visit my sister or my friends up there, and they’re not allowed to travel down here either. I get it needs to be this way and that we have to make sacrifices, but that’s not to say it isn’t tough on a lot of people’s mental wellbeing. I was really beginning to get my shit together this year, lol! Oh well! Sorry 2021, messy bitch me is getting a sequel. I know, I hate her too.

With regards to what’s coming up on my page, I’m working on the American Horror Story lookbook I mentioned this week and then a (probably non-existent this year) party season lookbook following that. I do intend to do more mood boards and a summary of the S/S 2021 shows soon. I don’t know if I’ve got it in me to do a whole ass review at the moment so I might spice it up and do a tier ranking or rating out of 10 or something fun like that, but there will definitely be something within the next couple of months! I also thought it’d be cool to do a post on the style of some incredible black influencers who are sorely underappreciated on Instagram for Black History Month, but even if I don’t get it out in October, expect that at some point.

Thank you to anyone who read this and thank you in general for bearing with me! I really hope things look up from here but regardless, if we all work together and be considerate of others, we can get through this. I hope everyone is doing okay and as always, if you are struggling, my inbox is always open. Post suggestions are welcome too, as well as feedback as long as it’s not *too* mean. A bitch is sensitive atm. 

Stay safe!

Lauren x

#fashion #lookbook #styling #outfits #grunge #grunge fashion #summer #style #fashion blogger #ootd #sustainable fashion #depop #vintage #sustainability #style blogger #details #secondhand #handmade #reworked #reclaimed vintage #look #summer2020

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #438

“i won’t let you die, keep you alive just to remind you of what you are not”

What is your favorite card game? Probably Magic: The Gathering, even though I'm not great at it. I just ADORE the artwork, mainly. Is YouTube one of your favorite websites? Yeah, given I'm constantly on it. Does your mother have a sister? If so, what’s her name? Yeah, named Kelly. What are you doing tomorrow? I'll be going with Mom to the pool at the gym. She goes Tuesdays and Thursday, so I'm going to start joining her to help ease soreness from my exercise days. Would you ever want to go to Africa? It's high on my bucket list! I am DESPERATE to visit the KMP and photograph and pet and pamper the meerkats. :') Last time you went bowling? Not since I was on a date with Girt. Would you ever want to own a bakery? Noooo, I don't enjoy cooking of any sort. I'm way too impatient. Do you like to text? It's funny, I don't enjoy it as much as I used to. I make typos too much and autocorrect only wants to work at the WRONG time, it seems. I'd still rather text than actually talk on the phone, though. You want your next pet to be what? To be realistic, it'll probably be a western hognose snake. I REALLY want a tarantula, but Mom absolutely will not allow it for as long as I live with her, lol. Trust me, I've pestered her about it. Would you rather be a vampire or a mermaid? Eh, probably a vampire. Do you prefer white or black electronics? Black. Do you like Nerds candy? Yeah. Is your favorite animal something you can have as a pet? I could write a college-length essay on why you absolutely shouldn't, but it's sadly legal in some countries. Thankfully, not America. What was the last classic novel you read? Did you enjoy it? Oh yikes, I have no idea. Name three movies which have a soundtrack you really love: Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, Tarzan, and The Blair Witch Project: Book of Shadows. What’s the scariest video game you’ve ever played? I know it's super cliche, but I genuinely found Outlast terrifying. As well, SCP Containment Breach is a game I can't even play because the jumpscares startle me too much, lol. They're just too loud. Do you own any pet fish? What kind of fish are they? No. I'm not really interested in keeping fish as pets. What is the most irritating thing that a boyfriend or girlfriend has ever done to you? Tyler wanted to talk CONSTANTLY. Barely even two weeks in and he got all bent out of shape over there being days we just didn't text. Like dude, especially this early in a relationship, I don't want to talk 24/7. He acted like we were together for years or some shit. Like sorry I want alone time. That relationship was just a bad idea. Have you ever known someone who was in an abusive relationship? Sadly. Out of all of your friends/relatives, who would you say has the best vocabulary? Probably Girt. He's just in general very smart. When yawning, do you cover your mouth? If out in public, yes. If you had a garden, what would you plant in it? Would you actually tend to it, or would it wind up neglected & withered? I could NEVER maintain a garden, but if I had the motivation and tolerance for the heat, that'd be nice. I'd love mostly flowers, and a grapevine would be pretty! Plus some strawberries. Do you like peanut butter? Yeah, definitely. What about marshmallows? Yep. How do you roast your marshmallows? They have to be BARELY brown at all. Like it has to be the liiightest toast. Do you eat s’mores? Ugh, hell yes. I really want some now, thanks. Own a lava lamp? No, but I'd love a pink one. :( Or black. Own any sort of glow-in-the-dark room accessory? No. Ever done something sexual in public? No, I have common decency. Do you like the taste of squid or eel? I COULD FUCKING NEVER TRY EITHER. Slimy or rubbery stuff like that is such a massive no. Ever date anybody in middle school? Yeah, Aaron in the 7th grade for a few months. Did you like to get dirty when you were little? I think I did. Like I know I loved speeding through mud puddles on my bike as a kid. Own anything that has to do with dragons or unicorns? I have a lot of dragon decor. Ever wanted to be a vet? Yep. Ever written your number in a public bathroom or a school text book? If so, did anyone actually call you? No. What type of weapon do you prefer? Uh, none...? I don't like weapons. Is there something that you haven’t told anyone that you actually would like to tell someone? No, not really. Would you rather watch a full season of American Idol, or So You Think You Can Dance? The latter, by far. I used to love that show. I really enjoy watching dances. Have you ever worn boxers? Pretty sure no? Last hickey was from? I've only gotten to that point with one person, you can figure it out. Have you ever put a kick me sign on the back of someone? No, that is so rude. Are there any inappropriate pictures of you anywhere? No. I've never taken an inappropriate picture. How many times do you tend to sneeze in a row? Two or three. Karma; believe or don’t? I don't believe it's a thing. I wish it was. Ever changed a diaper? Once. Or maybe twice? No plans on ever doing that again. When you see anything smaller than a quarter on the ground, do you pick it up? I don't even pick quarters up, really. Can bald guys ever be attractive? Um, yes? Do you like hugs? Yessss. Would you ever donate blood? Yeah, I have before. I'd just have to get better about drinking water so I don't faint. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? No. Ever had the opposite sex over when no one was home? You make that sound so scandalous, lmao. Yeah. What is the last song to make you cry? "Another Life" by Motionless In White. Have you ever kissed someone in the rain? Yeah. Have you kissed someone with braces? No. Are you anyone’s first love? I don't believe so. Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? I'M LOSING WEIGHTTTTTT. :') The gym is paying off! Is there a person of the opposite gender on your mind? That's kinda a permanent thing. He's always there, even if only in the back. Who was the last person to wink at you? My cat, ha ha. Did you parents know what gender you were before you were born? Yes. Are any of your really close friends pregnant right now? REALLY close friends, nope. Are you for or against inter-racial relationships? ... You know it's 2021, right???? This never should have been controversial. Have you ever been addicted to something unhealthy? Well, there's caffeine... When the holidays come around, do you watch holiday movies? No. When was the last time someone insulted you? What was the insult? I don't recall. Do you say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” in order to avoid offending people who don’t celebrate Christmas? I honestly just say "merry Christmas." Have you ever made/played with a sock puppet before? Yes. Have you ever seen a waterfall (aside from in a fountain or other manmade things)? Only small ones. Are you a frequent sufferer of heartburn? Yes; I actually have a prescription for chronic heartburn. If I don't take it, I'll get heartburn to the point I come near tears. How many different colleges have you gone to? Three. How much stress can you handle? Ha, not a lot at all. What is one thing you thought you’d never do but have done or are doing? I'm 25 and feel like I've just... wasted so much, and I continue to. I never thought I'd make it to this age and to have gone so short a distance in terms of being a successful adult. Have you ever disowned a friend or family member for their beliefs? I've stopped being friends with people, yes. Do you ever feel like your life is too boring or predictable? It 120% is. Do you think you will die happy? To be honest... I think no a lot of the time. Do you like looking at pictures? Yeah. Are you a submissive person? Very. Do you believe the dead can have connections with the living? I do. What are your views on the death penalty? I support it in extreme cases. Once you prove to be a thorough monster that deeply endangers other humans... you don't deserve life. We as a society have to work together, not destroy one another. Do you like horror movies? Why or why not? Yeah! I like the thrill of them. Would you ever be able to become a vegan? No; I am FAR too picky with my food. I want to be vegan, but I just wouldn't survive. What was your favorite toy as a child? I had a whole story based around some plastic dinosaurs, alligators, deer, and Pokemon figurines. Who was your first best friend? What is your favorite memory of/with them? Are you two still friends? Brianna. I don't know what my favorite memory is... We made a lot. We're Facebook friends, but we don't talk anymore. Would you rather hang out with someone who is always high or someone who constantly wants to get drunk all the time? High, I guess. Drunk people I think get sloppier and, in some cases, angry. The (few) high people I've been around have just been chill and friendly. How did you meet your newest friend? I'm not entirely sure who I consider to be my newest friend. The last time you kissed someone, were your arms around their neck? I don't think so? I'm pretty sure I was just hugging her around the waist. You have to get a facial piercing, what do you get? I've mentioned how I wanna get my nose re-pierced in multiple surveys. Do you straighten your hair? No. When is the next time you will see the person you like? Who knows, dude. I really want to be able to walk for two minutes without feeling like I'm dying before I go to an airport again, and even more importantly, even as a fully-vaccinated person, I want Covid to chill out before I travel again. And who the fuck knows when that'll be since people don't want to listen to goddamn professionals. Did you get to sleep in today? I actually slept through my alarm and was late to gym today. :x Your first dog? I was born into the family with a collie named Trigger, but she passed when I was a baby, so I don't have any memories of her. We got what I want to say was a Rottweiler mix named Angel at one point, who I consider our first family dog, but she was born with that disease that some puppies have where they just... die. Who I consider MY first REAL dog was Teddy. <3 Stood loyally by my side as my furry son and most devoted friend for around 13 years. Do you prefer mint, citrus, or cinnamon toothpaste? Mint. Are you one of those people who are always cold? No, I'm always hot. Have you done anything sneaky lately? No. Have you ever had feelings for someone and thought “This is the person I want to be with forever”? Yeah, twice. Do you keep notes, drawings or letters that people give you? Of course! Have you had a significant other that you never kissed? Well, boyfriends, but I wouldn't count the ones I haven't kissed as truly "significant other"s. Has anybody ever dated you only for your looks? I don't think so. Do you have any handshakes with anybody? Nah. What are you listening to? "Necessary Evil" by Motionless In White & Jonathan Davis. Would you take back your last boyfriend/girlfriend? Yeah. Who is your favorite band? How long have they been? Ozzy Osbourne. Since middle school. Who is your favorite author? I don't have a fave. Do you like cheesecake? BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH- How did you meet the last person you kissed? YouTube, back when it had more social aspects. Do you wake up cranky? Not usually, no. I'm actually in my best mood in the morning. Have you ever met your favorite band/singer? No, but holy fuck would that be awesome. I want to thank him for his music so badly. Do you have a good relationship with your parent(s)? Yeah. Has the last person you kissed ever been to your house? My old house, yes, but not this one. Do chickens have feelings? Yes. Have you ever been to a spa? Yeah, even though I really wasn't interested. I just went with Colleen because she invited me. I appreciated her wanting to hang out and include me of course, so I was happy to go, but it's not something I'd do of my own volition. The last time you were in the fridge, what were you looking for? The lemonade. Favorite South Park character? I don't have one, given I'm not interested in the show. How often do you have to shave? When/where I shave grows back FAST, so frequently. Ever go ghost hunting? No but omg I'd love to. Someone date me just to go do this together one night lmao. Do you have any family in the military? No. Can you talk to your mother about most things? I know I CAN talk to her about absolutely everything, but I don't always. Would you ever homeschool your children? If they wanted it and it'd be beneficial to their health and educational success, then yes. Are you afraid of change? Oh boy, am I. Who’s your favourite character from one of your favourite books? I'll go with The Outsiders, in which case I remember it was Dally.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''necessary evil'' by motionless in white (ft. jonathan davis)

[loadedtoast]

36/F/NZ

I have grown weary of social media as of late. The kind of social media where everyone has an opinion regardless of its impact on others, where people can type things they wouldn’t say in person and perpetuate misinformation (I am pro-vaccination). I am also growing tired of the (barely) subliminal messaging I receive about diets and body image that troll my feeds.

But I am a social creature by my very nature. Aren’t we all?

My first blog title is a nod to my ASL (age, sex and location). It’s an ‘early internet thing’.

If you are my age, you will recall (hopefully) the advent of ICQ and MSN… The patience of waiting for dial up to connect – god forbid someone else was on the landline – after school so that you could connect with friends, strangers, potential cuties… The potential cuties however were (and still are) not always what they appear to be.

But I am not here to blog about dating. Or house prices. Or global warming, avocados or other woes facing the younger generations – am I still young?

I never thought I would say this. I want to talk about having kids.

I will declare upfront that I want for nothing. I am a reasonably successful, professional woman without kids. I own my own home (or at least half of it). I live a city lifestyle, am fit, healthy and have a wonderfully loving and respectful partner (you know, one of the types of guys that speaks up and isn’t threatened by independent and successful women) - A rarity for which I cherish more than the rest of the stuff I list above. I am sure I will write about it at some point, but he is the product of a single mother doing a fucking incredible job in the most challenging of circumstances. Hats off to her!

As I was saying. I want to talk about kids.

I have never wanted them. And now we (not I. We) want to dip our toes into the pool that an increasing number of 30-somethings decide to jump into …

I am grappling with so many things. Things that are unique to us females.

I spent my teenage years being actively taught more about how to cook, clean and be a good girlfriend than I did about my own body – stuff I am learning now in retrospect (also a probable, future blog). I went onto the pill as soon as I got my period. It was a ‘precaution’ (for whom?). I learned about my vagina because I suddenly needed to put something inside it (not for pleasure) to stop my monthly bleeding from causing me more shame than I already felt – because periods are a woman’s burden to be carried in secrecy, and to be joked about by guys when the emotions get the better of us… “on the rag?” “must be that time of the month…”.

I am now 36 and just starting to become woke (as the kids say it now).

My teenage years, I imagine, were not unique. I recall one sex ed class at high school (yes, just one hour) where we learned about sex leading to STIs (previously called STDs) and pregnancy. Pregnancy was the devil and needed to be prevented at all costs (health, time and concern - which the female generally absorbed).

We skipped the bit about consent, respect and two-way intimacy – I found out about those by trial and error.

I got through to my mid-20s and the rhetoric changed. Instead of those I looked to telling me babies were bad, suddenly, babies were all the rage. I had come out of university with my two degrees, ready for that promised career, and to travel and build the life I wanted.

I felt confused.

Now, I was never the ‘maternal type’. I wonder now if there is such a thing or if its just something that we are carefully manicured into thinking that it’s what we want all along. I never wanted baby dolls and prams as play toys. I wasn’t into pink and pretend kitchens. Instead, as a kid, I was into sports, horses and motorbikes. I climbed trees and played games that used my creativity and imagination.

So, when I reached my mid-20s and people started to ask me about when I wanted to ‘settle down and have kids’ I rejected the entire notion of it. I said I didn’t want kids. In fact, I was well known amongst my peers for saying I didn’t even like kids. Which to a point is true. I don’t like ALL kids. Some kids will not grow into good adults and I place the responsibility for that on nurture not nature. This may be controversial; however I wish to believe that we are all born into this world with the potential for good.

New-born babies were thrust into my arms, because you know, I will need practice… How come boys don’t have to hold babies? I felt awkward. Like I was rejecting something that I was ‘born and bred to do’. But I didn’t want it. Not then.

When I told people I didn’t want kids, they were shocked. Kind of like the shocked face of people when I tell them I don’t drink alcohol anymore – you know, culturally unacceptable behaviour by any Kiwi’s standards. This was quickly followed by, “Oh, you will want them one day… it will all change. Trust me”.

Patronizing much?

I can now say that I felt harassed in those moments. Let’s label it.

The questions and opinions I would get were unnecessary, unprovoked and unhelpful. I honestly wondered why everyone was so invested in my interest in procreating – more so than being interested in me as a person with my own wants and needs. I guess this was part of my training for being a mum. A call out to all the mums who work tirelessly – yes, work (you have a job and it’s the hardest job of all).

I stayed the course and purchased my own home, got a great job that I worked hard for (don’t we all work extra hard, ladies!) and I prepared myself for a life with no legacy (legacy, I learned from those closest to me, is achieved though children, not a career, when you are a woman).

And then I met this guy.

He wanted kids. I kept true to my long-held comms line (like the ‘no comment’) and said I didn’t. And then he did something that I will never forget…

He said it was my choice. My choice.

He asked me why I had made that choice – his right to do after disarming me. I said, without thinking, and for the very first time… “I’m scared”. Shit, no backing out of it now…

I was scared because alongside all of the rhetoric that is forced down our faces about motherhood were the truths. The home truths. The ones I had witnessed in person. I had seen and heard, that taught me all about the value of a woman when she becomes a mum.

Now – disclaimer – I am not saying that I never seen or heard good things about being a mum. But hell, I did see and hear more average things than good things.

I saw and heard about how all the females in my immediate sphere of trust had given their careers up (in the current trajectory that they were on or entirely) when they became mums. If they didn’t choose being a mum, they were falling short of society’s expectations. If they became a mum and chose a career over full time parenthood, they were ‘outsourcing’ their most important role - as a mum.

I saw and heard my mum take the lion’s share of parenting, putting herself last. I saw and heard her play the part of mum and dad while my dad built his career – for us. The career that was really for him – let’s be true, it was his dream he was pursuing, not mine and not hers. I saw and heard her be proud of others but not of herself. I saw and heard her cry, a lot.

FYI I am very proud of my dad and I love him to bits. He is human. So is my mum. They made choices, together, in parenting us, but those choices were not made by people with equal power in the relationship and subsequently the choices did not always (actually, very rarely) benefit mum as a whole person.

I saw and heard my mum find ways to make herself feel better. She was good at buying things she did not need or want.

I saw and heard my mum largely unsupported, doing a thankless job. A job that society places no tangible value on. If you become a mum, and take time out of the workforce (i.e. you leave your job) to raise a child, you are considered unemployed (i.e. you are negatively placed on the ‘books’ aka GDP – not an investment, not a value-add activity, but a cost – you know, that the Government carries).

Funnily enough, ‘unpaid work’ of which parenting falls into, is the single largest sector of our economy but it is unpaid and therefore under-valued. Mums and dads who parent, are not seen as contributing to the nation’s economy. Where does our future workforce come from again?

And then once my last sibling left home, so did my dad. My mum was alone.

Due to her lack of ‘work history’ she could not apply for a credit card – dad could. Mum oversaw the family business finances and ensured we were looked after but did not ‘take home a wage’. Dad did. So, as usual, mum missed out and just kept on missing out. I can’t help but feel incredibly shit for mum. For all women.

These things shape my views on becoming a mother.

As do my own personal experiences.

As bad as this sounds, mum made sure I was better off. I got an education; a good career and I was raised to be independent and to ‘hold my own’. Funnily enough, I don’t recall ever ‘learning’ to hold my own. It wasn’t a session at school, or a mother-daughter discussion. It wasn’t a workshop or a coaching session at work.

Sarah Everard.

I have been following, as many women are, Sarah’s story in the news right now. Well, I correct myself – it’s not her story. It’s the story of her demise, chosen by a man she did not know or chose to know. There is an international groundswell of rage erupting from women around the right to be safe.

I saw an article written about this, and I thought, “shit, me too” (excuse the pun). A woman had put words to all of the ways in which we just know how to ‘hold our own’… the keys between the fingers when walking to the car late at night, the text to a friend “text me when you get home”, the pretending to be on a phone call, or the running without music to keep vigilant and at the ready. And the worst… Literally having an escape plan in your head as you walk down a dark street, or past a pack of guys.

This is an everyday experience of practically all women. Everywhere. I don’t know how we know it; we just do. But we shouldn’t have to.

These things are relevant and ever-present when I think about and talk about motherhood. It is ingrained in me, and has been from a young age, to be prepared for the worst, to take personal responsibility for what could happen to me, and to be prepared for things that men don’t have to worry about (it’s not their responsibility after all).

The reality is that my partner and I bring a completely different world view into a conversation about having kids together. How could it not be?

I am honest with him. I am scared. I have so much to lose – things that I have fought so hard for. On balance, I know there are gains, but one tends to focus on the things familiar and previously experienced.

I have a career built on proving myself. I once spent three months (I was an HR Manager and not a shit one) negotiating with my male boss for a salary increase to be on par with my all-male leadership team colleagues, whose roles were not as large as mine. I had to prove why I ‘deserved it’. I got it in the end. And my male colleagues successfully argued for their salary increases directly afterwards as well… sigh.

I am scared because I don’t want to lose my career. I don’t want to fall behind, and I know I will.

While I have children, my peers will continue to work, earn money, earn Kiwisaver for their retirement (and therefore increase the interest accrued), be rewarded and promoted (and increase their salary)… I will not accrue any leave. I will not get a salary increase or increase my retirement savings. I will not get promoted.

I will more than likely come back to work part time, because my partner and I will make choices and my job is the more flexible of the two. I will start earning again – but less. I will increase my Kiwisaver and get rewarded again – but at a pro-rated rate. I will probably work just as hard squeezing a full time job into fewer days for less money, while also trying to be a mum (also a 1 FTE job).

I worked it out. Furthermore, I will be reducing my in-the-hand income while on maternity leave by 82% while receiving the Government’s maximum paid maternity leave allowance (while I can).

I work extremely hard, but I am privileged. I can see why mums feel torn. I can see why there are massive impacts down the line for gender equity. And I can also see how we have missed a beat here around putting families and children first in NZ and our stats show this… Check out our OECD education stats, our wellbeing stats, our child welfare stats etc… Having working mums is not the issue. It’s the lack of choice driven by negative financial outcomes that makes being a full-time mum the poorer choice (pun intended).

I am scared because I may find it too hard. I am 36. My energy is not what it was. I hear new mums don’t get much sleep. I currently work between 50-80 hours a week. I am not sure how to do both, well. But I am unsure how to be happy, just doing one of these things.

I am scared because I may change. I will have a new focus – this could be amazing, it could also be hard. My friends are career focused. Not baby focused. Will we still have the same relationships? Will I become boring? Will we have the energy to go away with friends on weekends? Who will babysit?

I am scared because my body will change. My body is 36. I look after it. I exercise and eat well. I am not ready to look at myself in a mirror and feel mournful antipathy. Ouch. I know. Women are great at self-loathing and body-shaming ourselves. We learn it from the media. And men. And sadly, also from other women.

I don’t have many friends who don’t hate some or all of their bodies. We are told and shown what we should look like – and men are also shown what we should look like. Porn has its place, but it is not real. Unfortunately, these images require personal trainers, personal chefs, fake tans, implants, botox, fillers, makeup, hairdressers etc… Women don’t get paid as much as men. It is expensive being a woman.

Babies can mean stretch marks, fat that doesn’t go away, sags and hormone driven changes that you cannot explain. It impacts your pelvic floor.

I have heard from other women these things negatively impact on intimacy in the bedroom. How could it not if you are feeling like your body has been replaced with one you don’t know how to rock? And if we don’t rock our bodies, how will our men get off on it?

I am scared that my relationship with my partner will become secondary to the needs of our child… and our individual needs to sleep and have ‘me time’. Our relationship is strong. It is built on respect, communication and trust. I know this after years of relationships where these things were in part or fully absent.

Are helicopter mums born that way or does a switch flick when they have kids?

I want my relationship with my partner to be #1, always. Of course, it is our choosing to make it so. However, I also know what it’s like to put in effort when you’re both tired. Our relationship functions now around shifts, commutes and long work hours. We have it sorted. Add a child and less sleep into the mix and I honestly don’t know how people do it.

We are best friends who talk a lot. So, I hope that’s enough.

I am scared because I don’t want to fail. I am a high achiever. A child is something you don’t want to fuck up. I haven’t done it before and yet I have no interest in having all of the women in my life (or as I have heard, also those not in your life) tell me how to do it. Advice on ‘breast is best’ is unwelcome, Karen… I see and hear how women are given advice. Often entwined with judgement. I then also see and hear men get praised for ‘doing it alone’.

I am scared because after all of this time, if I choose the title ‘mum’ over all else, what if I cannot even become one? This is a real fear and nothing is a give-in. Wanting it, does not make it so.

I am scared because I don’t want to find myself alone at the end of it. This scares me the most. I have seen how the most important woman in my life sacrificed everything and then when it was her turn, it turned out she was the sacrifice.

...

When I write this, the Devil’s advocate voice plays out in my head. “Oh, she is a feminist”, “she is just insecure” “is she really thinking of starting a family with a partner if she thinks he will leave her?”, “she’s a but angry – old chip on the shoulder”.

I am secure in myself. I have done stints in therapy – it’s a gym membership for the soul. I am liberal, yes. And a feminist – name a sound-minded female who isn’t pissed off about the additional hurdles in her lane on the track. My partner and I are solid, or we wouldn’t be talking about having children – talking is what adults do in a healthy relationship.

I am scared. In a way, it is healthy. If I was going into it thinking “I have this nailed” then I am probably delusional, naïve or just plain arrogant.

I am writing this because it is cathartic. It is a way to express the things I feel. And to share them as I expect so many other women (and men – yes, two men can have babies together too) feel.

#mum #parenting #newmum #career #firsttimemum #startingafamily

[professorspork]

ANOTHER BUSY DAY IN THE ANDROMEDA GALAXY

I started the day running errands on Havarl, culminating with finishing off Jaal’s loyalty mission! I took Vetra with us thinking ‘hey, if anyone knows sibling dynamics...’ but then she factored into all of that absolutely 0%, lol @ me. but no matter! Jaal was super flirty as we made our way to the Forge, and it was adorable when he was like “HERE MEET MY FRIEND SO YOU CAN SEE AKKSUL IS WRONG” and bodily dragged me toward his siblings. their fight was absorbing and intense; I LEGIT GASPED WHEN HIS SISTER SHOT HIS BROTHER. LIKE!! the whole confrontation with Akksul felt super weighty and I really enjoyed it-- keeping my trigger discipline to not shoot that dude was really hard! there was a split second there where his bolt was headed toward Jaal’s face and I was like “if I kill off Jaal in his loyalty mission I’ll be so upset” but nope it all worked out, he has a bitchin cheek scar now, and the respect of his people, and I got a forehead touch so y’know. i melted. GOSH. then I died laughing at Akksul’s not-apology email.

now Jaal wants me to meet his mom(s) but Helen said that’ll lock in the romance, so I’ll probably wait just a little longer so I can uh keep having FWB sex with Peebee and ?maybe??? flirt with Vetra at some point? altho I teasingly called her MOM last time we were in Kadara Port so maybe not. (Jaal still hates it there, he’s so grumpy and it’s cute, but I digress)

this one got even longer than usual so doing a cut

one thing that I really like, that the game navigates in interesting ways, is that to the angara, we’re all just “Milky Way people.” like. so much of the original trilogy is about navigating the differences between all these aliens, and like, some of that is here too, esp with the krogan, but it’s actually really neat the way we’ve flattened out. and even with the krogan it’s still night and day-- like. comparing what Tuchanka is like in ME2 when Wrex is still solidifying his status as warlord is miles away from what it’s like for me to wander around New Tuchanka or, especially, just run into random krogan out and about (like the nice water scouts. WHY COULDN’T I JUST GIVE THEM THE WATER? but I’m getting ahead of myself). I know some of it has the Watsonian explanation of, like, only forward-thinking, open-minded krogan would be interested in the Initiative in the first place, and some of it is the Doylist explanation of ‘well people really liked that Charr/Ereba romance so let’s have more sweetie pie krogan’ but like. overall. it’s interesting, and I’m sure there’s more angles I haven’t considered.

I traced more of those comm buoys for Addison and learned that the doctor she’s obsessed with ran away to get pregnant! I definitely read that whole situation as Addison being in love with this lady and tbh it still doesn’t refute it? but I won’t get any more progress until I make a new outpost. the whole idea of ‘the first human baby born in Heleus’ thing is really cool, though, and I’m invested.

then I went to Elaaden! I feel some kind of way about Lexi diagnosing all of these scavengers with Brain Disease, but I can’t put my finger on it exactly-- other than, I guess, my general discomfort with pathologizing criminality. I was glad she said we couldn’t vaccinate people without their consent, but the whole thing smacks as very... self-conscious on the part of the game creators? like they thought people would say “hey it’s a huge plot hole that the Initiative screened every person before putting them on the arks and yet so many of them do crimes, explain that to me” and they were like “oh yeah shit that makes no sense, it’s not like people faced with the existential crisis of being in a brand new place 600 years away from everything they’ve ever known with no way back and not enough resources and multiple things wanting to kill them might just make desperate, risky choices, that’s not good enough, obviously we need to explain it with BRAIN DISEASE.” come on.

I made it to New Tuchanka, where the postings on the terminals are literally my favorite part of this whole game. THE ONE KROGAN WHO WANTS GINGERBREAD. THE ONE WHO DOESN’T WANT TO FOCUS ON CONS AND SUGGESTS A “PRO-VERSATION.” THE ONE ABOUT THE “PROBLETUNITY” OF MATING SUGGESTING WATCHING KRANTT HARDLY WAIT. THE ONE WHO INVENTED BLOOD RAGE FOR GUN TURRETS. but also, the best one, my favorite one of all: KRANTT THE RAGENING LARP. there is nothing I would not give to play Krantt: The Ragening.

I sort of tripped and fell and decided to finish Drack’s loyalty mission even though I intended to do more Elaaden things first, and that was a blast. Vorn is so presh! and also Drack is my dad so there’s that. I loved that Vorn helped save the day with a poison vegetable, and I love that Kesh pretended not to like the flower he got her. it was like-- okay. real talk, I just spent like 20 minutes trying to find proof that there is, in fact, a scene in parks and rec where someone gives April a friendship bracelet and she pretended to hate it until they threatened to take it back and could not find it ANYWHERE and felt so gaslit until I realized that that scene was not about April at all but Louise Belcher so. GOOD JOB ME. anyway. it was like that. kesh pretending her comm was broken when Tann tried to talk to her is the oldest joke in the book but I laughed anyway. 

and then I TOOK SPENDER DOWN FOR GOOD. I’m a little miffed that neither Kesh nor Tann got to be in on that discussion; like, I recognize he was Addison’s underling but given all the bullshit he pulled with the krogan I especially felt Kesh deserved to be there? at one point there was a dialogue tree where I could either say it was Addison’s fault or Spender’s fault, and I picked the latter because I think they both such but Spender sucks worse, but in hindsight I wish I’d stuck it to Addison more because my dialogue was way too nice. when faced with the choice of jailing or exiling Spender, I picked jail despite my desire to defund Nexus Militia because I was scared if I exiled him he’d just come back as a worse enemy because of all his off-station contacts. when reviewing the choice in the codex, though, it narrativized my choice by saying I imprisoned him knowing he “would never survive life on the run from his former associates.” that wasn’t my assumption at all! quite the opposite! I jailed him thinking he’d start a coup from without if I didn’t, and it’s really interesting to me that the game isn’t framing that as a concern Ryder would have reasonably had. anyway, now Brecka has his job, which is good because Brecka is the best.

before leaving I unlocked my last memory, and SURPRISE MY MOM IS ALIVE. WELL. FOR A GIVEN DEFINITION OF ALIVE. i don’t know why I’m surprised; of course my dad sucked that much. but also, the fact that all of that got nestled in with the reaper ‘reveal’ (if you can call it that) felt... very strange? like. this is such a personal, emotional thing for Ryder. obviously for the player harkening back to the trilogy is supposed to be a gut wrench, and objectively, yes, I can see how the knowledge that they might have narrowly escaped certain death is a big deal, but like. the reapers aren’t HERE. they aren’t relevant. my MOM, on the other hand, is and is, apparently! it’s occurring to me I didn’t even try to find her mis-labeled pod, I was so turned around by all the benefactor stuff after the fact. anyway.

swung by Kadara to get drinks with Drack and had an epic bar fight, and then Lexi p much lectured us both abt it because Drack is like 90% spit and duct tape at this point. him talking about raising Kesh giving him a new lease on life was VERY sweet, tho, and his line about how parents aren’t the finish line, they’re the starting line was very good.

went back to Elaaden, which Jaal called “a big planet” while discussing hunting someone down and AU CONTRAIRE, JAAL, IT IS A MOON. wish I’d had Drack with me when I found Annea’s water because I bet he would have had better dialogue than Cora, but alas. felt very weird giving control of the reservoir to the Nexus, but like. Annea being like “you can’t, this is my emotional support monopoly on a vital natural resource” just wasn’t gonna fly with how I’m playing Ryder. I was gratified to hear the Nexus guy at Paradise say we were giving the water to everyone, including krogan and scavengers, because I 100% did not trust Tann not to overrule him with some shitty call.

then I went to the Remnant ship to stop Morda from making a bomb out of the drive core, and it was all going swimmingly until I traced the signal to that cave inside the flophouse and suddenly my triangle button stopped working, making me unable to activate the console. YIKES. a quick google of the issue tells me that this mission is buggy for a lot of people and reloading from an earlier save tends to help, but I tried that and the issue persisted so I gave up for the evening. hopefully a fresh start tomorrow and time for the ps4 to cool off is all that is required. 

#leah plays mass effect andromeda

[golden-redhead]

irumatsu

who panics over everything?

I think in a lot of ways they can both be pretty panicky but Miu really takes the cake here, especially at the beginning. Kaede is better at keeping it together or at least making it seem like she does. Her breakdowns are pretty epic tho, even if they don’t happen often.

who lives on google and webmd to look up everything the baby does?

They both do :’D Honestly, the first two, maybe three weeks are wild because none of them has any idea of what they’re doing and it’s a mess. They calm down with time but at the beginning their computer browser is full of baby pages and they have those weird discussions and occasional breakdowns over all the baby advice they find online and contradictions between them. 

who’s on the fence about vaccination?

Neither of them is on the fence about it, although I can imagine that Miu might prefer to do vaccinating at home cuz she doesn’t trust doctors and nurses or hospitals and would rather avoid them.

who bothers the doctor at 3 AM?

They bother Mikan, lol.

who nudges the other in the middle of the night to go handle the baby?

Kaede. Miu is usually up at night anyway, so she goes to take care of the baby and lets Kaede sleep, especially since she has horrible migraines if she can’t sleep at night. She also has very sensitive hearing, so Miu comes up with new inventions meant to make sure the baby won’t cry or that she’ll be alerted as soon as it’s awake, so Kaede won’t wake up. Also, Miu actually enjoys her time with their baby and often talks to it while simultaneously working on her inventions.

who pretends to be asleep when the baby is screaming?

None of them, the guilt would kill them. 

who takes pictures and videos of everything?

They both do but Kaede is more obvious about it, constantly reaching for her phone. Miu teases her about it until Kaede finds out she installed the cameras all around the house so she won’t miss any moment of their child’s childhood. 

who accidentally drops the baby? (let’s be real: it happens)

Miu. She freaks out when that happens and is afraid to get anywhere near the baby for days afterwards in fear of hurting it. Kaede has to intervene.

who has more trouble adjusting to parenthood?

It’s hard at first and they both have their problems but Miu struggles with the fear of not being enough a lot, constantly scared of being a bad parent or hurting the baby accidentally or messing it up emotionally. She just had a hard time adjusting because she feels insecure and like she’s going to fail as a mother and it’s something that keeps haunting her. 

who falls asleep with the baby on their chest?

Miu. Sometimes she just falls asleep while trying to make the baby sleep. Having the baby so close, feeling its warmth makes her feel safe and happy and even though she’s always struggled with falling asleep the baby turns out to be the perfect cure for her insomnia. 

who plays airplane with the baby and ends up with puke on their face? (alternatively: in their mouth)

Miu :’D 

who gets overwhelmed the easiest?

It’s a tie, honestly. Kaede gets overwhelmed because of her perfectionism, she has a hard time balancing the responsibilities, especially since her job as a musician means that sometimes she can’t be home for days. Music used to be her whole world and while she loves both Miu and the baby - she wants to pursue her career and sometimes she just needs time to be away from diapers and baby food but she feels guilty over it.

Miu, on the other hand, constantly worries about not being good enough. She feels like everyone thinks she’s an obnoxious pervert and only values her for her talent which in turn makes her feel like she isn’t a good mother or a good example for their child. Like I mentioned before, she has this deep fear of messing the baby up, making it end up like she did and it’s tearing her apart. 

who scalds themselves when testing the bottle temperature on their wrist?

Kaede. She’s in a hurry and stressed out about her upcoming concert. Miu invents the robot that’s supposed to test the temperature for them the very same day that happened.

who dresses the baby up in funny outfits?

They both do, but their idea of what’s funny differs greatly…

who rocks the baby to sleep while singing to them?

Kaede! She doesn’t actually like to sing, so it’s mostly just humming some classical music, but she does her best to make sure that music is present in their child’s life from the very beginning. 

who accidentally adds too much soap to the bath so the baby ends up in a sea of bubbles?

Miu, much to Kaede’s dismay. And it’s not accidental at all. 

who lets the baby try/eat/drink anything and everything they have?

Miu spoils the shit out of that child. Kaede is the strict parent who only allows sweets once a week, lol. 

who is the baby tamer? (AKA who is the one that can calm the baby down with no problems whatsoever)

Miu, surprisingly. 

She forms a very strong bond with their baby, one that Kaede’s actually jealous of sometimes. In fact, their baby becomes kind of an obsession for Miu, she constantly makes some new inventions supposed to help with it, spends most of her days playing with it and is very good at guessing what it is when it starts to cry. She’s just a really good mother, okay? Her fear of fucking up means that she tries twice as hard and she would steal the stars for this kid if only she could. 

-

send me a ship and i’ll tell you who…..: new parents edition!

#irumatsu #iruma miu #kaede akamatsu #kaemiu #listen I love mother Iruma #I have lots of mother Iruma headcanons #I always thought she'd be a great mom and it's one of my fave v3 headcanons

[pendesvoyage]

Paint with all the Colors

The coffee cup was white, that much he knew. His fingers were wrapped around it like it was a vaccine to this frigid, winter day. It didn’t do much to soothe his shaking hands or his curiosity. He’d seen the color of this cup almost every day, and he has decided that white wasn’t that stunning of a color. When he reached into his pocket for his wallet, the denim bled dark blue before he pulled out his money and it faded back to grey. The wallet was black now that he was holding it, but now he had to put down his coffee to slip a few bills from the folds, and it turned back to grey as well. The money was a faded green, the barista’s fingertips were mocha colored, and the receipt had red lettering scrawled across the top, but they all turned to grey as soon as he wasn’t touching them anymore.        He used to, when he was younger, go around trying to touch everything in sight. Now, though, he has realized it a bit of a fruitless task. Even if he could hold on to the color of the things he held forever, they wouldn’t be nearly as brilliant as they would be after he met his painter, so aptly named for the way they paint your life with color permanently. From what he’s heard- stories passed down from his parents and grandparents- your painter will crash into your life when you least expect it. One touch, and suddenly the world would be splashed with every shade you could imagine, a Picasso right before your eyes. Not that he’d ever gotten to touch a Picasso so he wouldn’t know.        Waiting was the hardest part. He swore that he’d find his painter in high school. That was when his mom met his dad, when their worlds bled into rainbow. Then, he swore he’d find them in college. Where else would he meet the person of his dreams, the one to spend the rest of his days seeing color with? Two degrees and a stressful job as a marketing analyst later, and he was no closer to knowing what color the sky actually was.        It wasn’t really fair. No one could touch the sky, not even pilots. How was he supposed to know what color it was? Blue, apparently, but what kind of blue? The blue of the swimming pool on Memorial Day. The blue of the Royals jersey his dad got for him when they went on that family trip to the stadium as a kid. The blue of his cousin’s hair when she'd turned seventeen. He felt like he’d never know.        Even the color of his own skin, hair, and eyes were a mystery to him. The universe was a jerk in that regard. You couldn’t know your own true colors until someone came along and painted the picture for you. A bit overly dependent for Garret’s taste, but he was willing to deal with it if he got to see what his mom meant by sort of a goldeny, cream color, baby. It’s very lovely. You don’t even need to worry about tanning.        “Sir?”        Garret’s head popped up from where he’d been staring at the few inches of bronze counter he could see next to his hand. “Sorry, what?”        “There’s a line,” the barista insisted cautiously. Garret looked behind himself to see that, indeed, there was a handful of people waiting for him to get himself together and move out of the way.        “Yeah, um, sorry,” he murmured and grabbed his coffee again. The white blip was the only color in his vision until the cracked wood brown of the door, and then his entire world was back to grey by the time he got to the office, coffee long trashed.        “Good morning, Mr. Plier. You’ve got a meeting with the team from TeachYoung in about fifteen minutes,” his assistant, Beverly, spouted before he could fully step out of the elevator. “Have you eaten breakfast? I left a blueberry muffin on your desk just in case. Here are the reports from the Frizzle study.” Garret was handed a decently sized manila folder that came alive with it’s weird banana pudding coloring.        “Thanks, Bev. No calls until after lunch, okay?”        “Yes, sir. Got it.” Garret gave her a thankful smile and pushed the slick, metal door to his office open and let it sink shut behind him. He shrugged off his light coat, the lapels fizzing green as he did, and went to the wall behind his desk. On it was mounted the only painting he’d ever owned in his life. Art wasn't cheap, actually it was one of the most expensive commodities in the world. They say artwork was a substitute for love to the lonely, that it was cherished cheat of what could be. Garret couldn’t find it in him to care, especially when he ran his fingers across the face of the framed panel and the trickle of colors followed him. The mountains were a faded purple, like the color of a little girl’s Easter dress. He thumbed over the winding river, the exact color of the spring back home that he and his sister used to drink from on hot summer days.        He let the art slip from under his fingers and slunk back to his desk, slumping into the large, stuffed chair. He swiveled around to face the sturdy wood surface, his hands suspended in the air. The choices were to either place them on the desk and see the same chocolate brown he saw every day, or place them on his lap and see his trouser for the dark charcoal grey they were already without touching them. None of it was satisfying. Garret always prided himself as an independent lad, but lately he’d become so desperate to know the whole world that he was tempted to go around touching everyone in the city, which, worst case scenario, would land him in a holding cell for a few hours.        A long time ago, they installed a set of rules on the proper etiquette of touching other people. Not laws exactly, but reason enough to put someone in a secluded room until they got their shit together if they went too far. Some were so desperate to see color that they would slide a hand inside other’s clothing to get that skin on skin contact that was necessary to gain the world unknown to them. Garret had never- but he was considering the insanity of it as of late. He could handle a rest in a jail cell if it meant he found his painter.        There was a knock on the door. “Come in.” After two years, his assistant still seemed skittish in his presence. He was pretty sure it had something to do with the crush she had on him. Unfortunately for her, they’ve touched many times before and…nothing.        “Your nine o’clock is waiting in the small conference room for you.”        “Thanks, Bev.” She nodded and swiftly left while he gathered his preparations from the mess atop his desk, knocking his breakfast muffin aside as he did. He almost slid his fingers along the wall like a child as he walked down the hall, just to see something other than the bland white of the papers in his hand, clipped together by a black piece of metal. He stamped that down and entered the meeting room, the grey scale of faces greeting him in various stages of excitement- that was, from nonplussed to tolerant. “Afremov, ladies and gentlemen," he greeted, "Let’s go ahead and get started.”        The meeting was tedious, to say the least. He’d over prepared and then had to catch everyone else in the room up on the plan. It was like when he tried to explain the rules of football to his sister when they were young. Turned out not to be worth the effort. They scrapped the plan at the end of the meeting, citing confusion, and wanted Garret to steer the research in another direction. Whatever, he was going out for lunch. Had to get out of that office, those same pea green walls that surrounded his daily life.       He brought the car door to life, followed by the seat belt, and then the steering wheel. The radio delivered some top 40’s pop song, and Garret couldn’t tell if it was being sung by a boy or a girl. He drove until the traffic of the city fell away and was replaced by a bland screen of tree after tree. The road turned from a four lane to a two, and he took a side road off to the right. He'd stumbled upon this place one night when he and some friends got high and heard about this really great café that was sure to cure the munchies. Now, he came here when he was antsy, jittery, and needed some place that held colors he wasn’t quite used to seeing every day. Parking just left of the door, he walked up to the diner with a content smile on his face.       “Garret!” The smile spread until he was sure the white of his teeth stood out against the grey of his face.       “Nancy,” he greeted fondly. “How are you?”        The well-rounded, middle-aged woman came around the bar to the hostess stand and took Garret’s hand. He looked down at see the milky white of her fingers wrapped around his. “Give it here,” she encouraged and brought his hand up to her face. The gesture was one of trust, not one extended often to someone you saw less than once a month, but he was glad for it. The rose of her cheeks contrasted with the pale, icy green of her eyes. He took it all in, trying to memorize every detail before she dropped his hand and asked, “Usual?”       Swallowing down the sharp loss at missing the color of her lips, he nodded. “A coffee as well. Lots of-”       “Creamer, I know, love. Take a seat, and I’ll have it right out.” Garret extended his gratitude and wandered over to his usual booth, sliding into the tacky red seat that swiped to life under his palm as he situated himself. He picked up the menu from the end of the table and let his eyes rake over it. One of his favorite things about this place was that the menu was ever-changing, which meant different pictures every time he came. Currently, they had a bright green slice of key lime on the back. He brushed his fingers over the lunch choices, a multi-layered pile of nachos pulsing with a myriad of colors under his fingertips.      “Alright, babe. The usual.” She set down a plate of chicken-fried steak with mash potatoes and corn on the cob. The coffee splashed over the edge of the mug, onto the saucer, and trickled a transparent mud over his fingers when he reached out to settle it. “Oops, sorry, love. Napkins for ya.” She reached in her apron and pulled out some extra ones, but Garret was slow to clean up the mess, loving the reprieve of color that would last as long as it stayed on his skin.       “No problem, Nancy. Thank you.” He went right in on his food, the fork and knife a shiny, scratched silver. He was a grown ass man, and he knew better than to play with his food, but if his fingers slipped lower on his silverware and swiped across the tops of his lunch, just for a glimpse, then so be it. The gravy was that brothy brown and the corn was grilled, black on the edge of some of the kernels. He licked the remnants off his finger, letting himself enjoy that one small act of indulgence.      “Nance!” The door to the small café opened with a bang, the windows rattling. Garret turned to see a thin man with dark grey hair (brunet, at least; black hair, maybe) dressed in clothing too heavy for this breezy, fall day: zipped up leather jacket, gloves, beanie. He was panting and looking around wildly for the said hostess. When she peaked around the corner of the kitchen, the man breathed out a sigh of relief and rushed to her. “Nance, help me. They’re coming.” Slightly sketchy. Garret wasn’t averse to a little adventure, but that did not sound like his type of fun.      “Honey, Marcus, slow down. What did you do?”       The man scoffed. “Why is it always me that-” He broke off when Nancy raised a knowing brow. “Right, well. I might have…stolen a little something from Mariposa’s warehouse. “Marcus!”      “A tiny something. I didn’t even think they’d notice.” Nancy slapped him across the chest and scolded, “You’ll get yourself killed one day, and for what? Huh, what was it?”       The new stranger shifted his eyes guilty around the room while he unzipped his jacket and pulled out a small framed artwork of some sort, Garret couldn’t really see from his seat. “It’s beautiful right? Tell me it’s beautiful, or I stole it for nothing.”       The older woman sighed and looked up from the art to the nervous man’s face. “It’s lovely, Marcus.” He breathed out in relief. “But,” she emphasized, “you stole it. And I’m not having stolen merch in my diner. You’ve got to go.” As she started pushing him towards the door, Marcus pleaded with her.       “No, please, Nancy. Just let me hide out here for a few hours. I just need to let them calm down a bit, so they’re not so let’s find him and skin him alive when I see them again.”       Nancy’s jaw was set, eyes stern. “No way. I’ve got a business to run, and you’re disrupting my customers.” Like he’d just been reminded of where he'd ran to for cover, he looked around the eatery and scanned over the half dozen patrons that were staring at him with everything from distaste to disbelief.        He nodded to a young lady with a high bun. “Hey, Stella.”        She rolled her eyes. “Get out, Marcus.”        The thief sighed like her greeting taxed him in some personal way. “Listen, Nance-” he tried, turning back to the woman, but she cut him off.        “I want you out in ten seconds or I call the cops.”        Garret nearly stood up at that. He felt the need to tug the man further from the door, push him under a table, and reason with Nancy to give him a chance. He was a thief, but he just wanted to hold a piece of beauty in his hands for a little bit. Garret could understand that. Just when he was about to protest Nancy’s decisive action, a company of rumbling trucks plowed through the parking lots and idled in front of the glass windows of the café.        “Oh, shit,” the thin man cursed and ducked behind the nearest booth. He tucked the painting back into his jacket, safely zipping it into place. “Pretend I’m not here,” he urged as he crept backwards, further into the diner.        “Marcus Leland, get your butt out here now,” Nancy ordered, but he shook his head frantically. He kept slowly moving backwards until his back hit an obstacle and he startled, hand flailing out to catch himself and instead caught someone else’s hand that kept him from landing on his butt. He looked up to see Garret’s worried face hovering over him.        “What’s up?” the criminal asked casually.        “Um, not your luck,” Garret answered without thinking, but the other man just laughed easily and nodded.        “Too true. Hey, uh,” he shimmied under the table and tipped his head out to talk, “would you mind not mentioning I’m under here?”        Garret’s eyebrows furrowed as he shrugged. “I guess, yeah.”        “Thanks, man. Really.” Marcus curled up into a ball and settled in, and Garret sat back up to look behind him to the door as a small gang of men in well-fitting suits entered the diner like they had something to prove. A point, most likely. They sauntered up to Nancy’s considerably smaller form and one leaned on the hostess stand.        “Hi there, Nancy. How are you?” She leveled them with a cold look. “You can just turn right back around and leave. I have no business with Mariposa.        The group exchanged glances before the supposed leader pushed off the podium and stepped up close to the middle-aged lady. “We know he’s here, Nancy. He ditched his car just a couple blocks away, and who could refuse your great cooking.”        Garret was gripping the top of his booth so hard the red seemed to burn a brighter candy apple. His eyes flicked back and forth between the large man and the small woman. Like he was some sort of beacon, the man’s eyes swept sideways to meet his, and Garret froze. “Got yourself a decent crowd for a Thursday. Enough people to make me nervous for what might happen.”        “Don’t you threaten me,” she snarled, making the man- thankfully- look back to her.        If Marcus’ opening statement a few minutes ago didn’t sound like fun, that sounded like a really bad time. Garret ducked under the booth and whispered urgently. “Do something. They’re going to hurt people unless you go out there.”        The wiry man shook his head with a disapproving tilt to his mouth. “They’d never. They talk all big and bad, but that’s all they are. Just talk,” he explained as he tugged off his beanie, the hint of dark bangs that Garret got before turning into a head full of thick, almost wild, hair, that the thief ran his hands through anxiously. “They’ll just grumble while Nancy refuses to back down, and then, leave and tear up my place as repayment.” He wiggled the gloves off and let them fall to the floor before unzipping his jacket and pulling the small frame from under it.        “Sounds like you’ve done this before.”        Marcus shrugged while his fingers grazed the art piece. “Those pricks don’t deserve to hold all of the beautiful things in the world.”        “You take what doesn’t belong to you, endanger innocent people, and get your home torn apart. For what?”        At that, Marcus turned the piece of art around so show it off to his current protector. “For this,” he reasoned. “It’s beautiful right?” Garret couldn’t see the colors of it without reaching out and brushing his fingers across it, and that didn’t seem appropriate just then. But the picture of it was really something. It was a scene of a gorgeous garden pixie wrapped up in the arms of a well-dressed man. She was laid out in his hold, head thrown back with a look of desperation etched across her face.        “It is.”       Marcus seemed relieved by Garret’s answer. “I just wish I could see all the colors at once you know. I was hoping that, if I got one small enough, I could light up the whole thing, but…” He cast his eyes down to the painting. “Still,” he nodded surely, “it’s really something.”       “Nancy, you’ve got one more chance to tell me where he’s at before we start tearing this place apart.”       Garret sat back up, turning to see that things hadn’t escalated so much as intensified. Bulky mob guy was encroaching on the lobby and Nancy had backed up a step or two towards the counter. He ducked back under the seat with a, “Do something.”      “Trust me,” Marcus urged. “Nothing is going to-” A gun shot went off and both men ducked for cover, Garret joining Marcus under the booth and curling up across from him on the floor. “Shit, no, shit. They never.”      “Marcus,” the boss man taunted. “Come out, come out. We’d hate to hurt your favorite little cook.”      “Dicks, the whole lot, I swear,” he cursed under his breath. “Now, I’ll have to…” He waved his hands around the small space and groaned quietly.      “Don’t touch me! Let me go!” Nancy’s voice rang out in the still café.     “Go find him,” the leader ordered. Marcus hung his head and sighed in resignation at the declaration. He gripped both hands around the painting in his lap, and looked up to Garret.      “Take care of it for me. Don’t let them have it,” he requested severely. The steps of the men were coming closer. Garret nodded frantically and held his hands out as Marcus regretfully passed the artwork to him. Their hands brushed and, in that moment, the waves of color actually hurt to take. It started at the connection of their hands, washing over the painting and making both men lose their breath. The technicolor spread outward from there, filling the booths and the underside of the table with realistic hue.     Marcus’ hair was black like Garret had thought, but not black like it was in grey scale. There were these highlights that reminded Garret of the way the night got lighter around the moon. And his eyes. They were like a mix of green and brown. He grit his teeth in frustration when he couldn’t remember that name of that color. He didn’t know anyone that he was close enough to to touch that had eyes that color. The thief, his painter, blinked slowly, shock obvious on his features.      “Do you?” he asked.      “Yeah,” Garret huffed out, lost for words. “Your eyes, they’re…”      “What?”      “I don’t know the word for-” He cut off when Marcus was yanked out from under the booth, the painting slipping from his fingers and into Garret’s lap.      “We found him, sir,” the man announced.      “Don’t get handsy, pal. I’m a taken man!” He sounded giddy with it, the news, and, when Garret set the painting down behind him and looked out from under the booth, Marcus was smiling down at him with sparkling white teeth and petal pink lips. His skin was tan, almost the color of the caramels Garret liked to pick up around Christmas time. He couldn’t even enjoy that he finally knew that Nancy’s hair was a dingy, dirty yellow or that the tile of the floor was dark blue speckled with random cream splatters. It all faded into the background of Marcus’ struggling.      Garret started to crawl out from underneath, had to help him, but Marcus blurted a scared No! and he froze. A sharp warning shake of his head and Garret was slinking back onto his hind legs and just watching as Marcus was dragged over to the front doors of the diner and presented to the boss. He could see the pink spread across Marcus’ cheeks feet away, from that moment of vulnerability, and it felt amazing. 

     Too bad that was overshadowed when Nancy was released and, instead, his painter was being held up by a tight hand around his throat, the pink flushing his cheeks turning into a bright red from lack of oxygen. Garret’s fingers pressed into the old tile, but he didn't even look down to see the color of his skin going pale around the tips. He was too afraid this would be the last time he’d see the one who had given him color.

     One of the sidekick’s hand padded over Marcus' body and grumbled he came up empty. “He doesn't have it, boss.”      Scary boss man tugged Marcus closer by his neck, making Marcus gasp and Garret lurch forward. That earned him another warning glare from the thief to stay right where he was. It took him a moment longer to obey, sitting back again.      “Where is it?” The brute demanded.      Marcus scoffed as best he could. “I'm not sure what you mean.”      “Don't play with me,” he warned. “I have orders to do what it takes to get that painting back.” The thief scratched at the fingers surely leaving bruises on his neck, asking for a reprieve. The grip loosened just enough for him to say,         “Why is it so important?”      Caveman mobster laughed haughtily. “You just happened to steal-”      “Allegedly stole,” Marcus interrupted, making Garret swallow his laugh, but his grin was enough to make the threatened man’s eyes light up, that mellow brown turning a bit greener.      “You stole,” scary guy insisted, “Mariposa’s two-year anniversary gift to his painter.”      “Two years?” Marcus crowed in disbelief. “If she’s dumb enough to stay with that nitwit for,” his eyes cheated to the ceiling, “730 days, she’s not going to enjoy some tiny painting that I apparently took.” The grip on his neck went tight again, and Marcus cut off with a gurgle.       “You should watch what you say, Marcy. I wasn’t told to leave you alive.”      “Excuse you?” Nancy piped up. “You’re not killing anyone in my diner.” Boss man pulled a gun from his waistband and pointed it at Nancy’s suddenly cautious face. The patrons let out collective murmurs of fear. “Sure about that?”       “Woah, now, okay,” Marcus choked out and the grip loosen the tiniest bit again. “No need to go shooting the only woman within a thirty-mile radius that knows how to make a proper pot pie. Keep the focus where it belongs, yeah?”      “Alright,” the leader agreed easily and pointed the gun at Marcus, the barrel a shining dark grey in Garret’s eyes.      If the analyst hadn’t memorized every inch of Marcus’ face, he probably would’ve missed the drain of color from his skin. As it was, Marcus’ now ghostly lips pressed firm, but Garret could see the trepidation in his eyes. Marcus had just realized he might not make it out of this alive. Garret reached for the painting sitting on the diner floor behind him, and brought it close, half-hidden under his leg, to run his fingers across the now smudged glass front. He didn’t need to touch to really see it anymore, but the connection made him feel as if he had more control over this situation than he actually did. In reality, he’d just met his painter, the one he was supposedly meant to spend the rest of his colorful life with, but today, he just might lose him.     “Why don’t you tell me where it’s at, and I won’t make a mess in your favorite lunch spot?”     Marcus looked caught, pulled between refusing to give in and sparing these people, Garret and Nancy, of what they might see. Finally, he nodded. “Yeah, alright.” Garret’s face must have been one of shock, because Marcus’ own face went soft. He held his new partner’s gaze, furiously trying to get the thief out of this while simultaneously memorizing every hitch and detail of his face just in case.      “They’re hazel, by the way,” Marcus spoke slowly, deliberately. The mob men looked confused, and so did Garret, until Marcus fluttered his lashes dramatically and Garret’s face broke into a barely contained grin. Hazel. His eyes were hazel. That was the name of that color. Hazel.      “Thank you for that piece of information, Marcus, but no one cares,” the big man with the big ego lamented.      Marcus scoffed. “Mind your business here, slick. I’m trying to be charming.” Garret was going to watch his painter die, but he couldn’t stop smiling.     “Why don’t you worry about charming me, instead?” The threat came with a shove of the gun into Marcus’ temple, reminding him of his current situation. “Right, yeah. Um, well if I stole it, I didn’t bring it in here,” he decided quickly. “If I stole it,” he repeated, “I probably put it in my car.” Garret was shaking his head. He didn’t want Marcus to leave, be taken away so he couldn’t see his midnight colored brows crinkle up in worry.      What if they didn’t bring him back? What if they never let him go? But Marcus was nodding back to him. “Yes, I think I put it way back there, in my car.”      “To your car, then,” the leader decided, and the entire cafe let out a breath of relief.      “No, no, wait,” Garret mumbled, not nearly loud enough to matter as the men started shoving Marcus towards the door. “No,” he said again, more firmly, as he stood up from under the booth. “Wait,” he finally called out, and everybody, including Marcus, froze and turned. With all eyes on him, he lost all his confidence and gripped the painting tightly in his hand.      “Don’t do-” Marcus started, voice shaky, but was cut off by the head mobster’s, “What have you got there, big man?”      “I have it,” Garret admitted, painting nearly trembling in his grip. “You can have it if you let him go.”      Marcus rolled his eyes, but then, his face melted as Garret set his jaw and rolled his shoulders back. Mob man was not nearly as impressed. “That’s not how it works, bud.” His barely-there blond lashes fell slowly into a blink, like he couldn’t be bothered to move too quickly. This was his last chance to save his new found partner.      “No, you listen to me, bud,” Garret quipped back. “Let. Him. Go, and I’ll give you the-” The gun shot off and before Garret could blink his entire world went grey again. The color didn’t drain, or melt away, just vanished. The walls were a medium grey again, the booths a deep grey. The lifeless body of his painter a bunch of different greys crumbled on the floor. The blood pooling under his head a dark, rich grey. He’d only seen the color of blood when he’d scraped a knee or cut his finger on a kitchen knife, but he knew exactly what the mass puddle of heavy liquid was. “No!” he shouted and sprinted forward, dropping the forgotten painting on the floor. He fell to his knees beside the man he’d only just met and placed careful hands on either side of his face.      Nothing. Not even the few inches around his finger were lighting up with the deep tan that Garret knew Marcus’ skin to be. He raked his hand through the thief’s hair, brushing it off his face, but the black didn’t swirl with highlights and lowlights. He couldn’t see the color he was touching anymore. He’d heard that you lost all ability for color after your painter died, but that was when you were seventy and in a nursing home and you’d had years to memorize all the colors of the world. Not now. Not just twenty minutes after gaining the privilege.      There were heavy footsteps around them, but Garret couldn’t bring himself to look away from the droop of Marcus’ mouth. Then, a low, hissing voice was right next to his ear. “Don’t feel bad, bud. I was going to off him either way. But thanks for the painting.” Then the gang of men exited out of the diner, the front door bell dinging on the way out, and Garret was left seeing the world through wet, grey eyes.

#fiction #writings wednesday #paint with all the colors #color #love #love story #jess pende

[autumnsmommy714]

Ok moms let’s get real for a few minutes here.

So I’m not a big complainer but seeing how this world has been going has really made me sit back and think about things. Let’s start out with a little bit of who I am first.

I am a hot mess mom and proud I own it.

My name is Christina and I am a 32 year old stay at home mom to a very wild threenager. She’s my world but she’s also a tornado and I’m pretty sure that she could break a nun. I have two dogs three cats all rescues and 5 chickens. My husband is a police officer and we moved up to New England about 2-3 years ago. We are slowly building a homestead which will eventually be out main source of income. It is a lot of hard work, time, energy, and money too but if we do it it will be the best thing for all of us. Now onto things that have just been annoying the shit out of me.

Go get your wine and sit down for bitchfest.

So first thing is first let me just put it out there that I really don’t care what color, race, sex ect you are. I accept everyone as long as you have a kind heart I could give two shits about anything else. I don’t care if your vegan, organic only, carnivore ect. I don’t care what you support until it gets to the extremes. Look I am Walmart-target shopping, hobby lobby loving, meat eating, coffee addict, wine loving, lover of lipsticks and highlighters, Pinterest wannabe, sweatpants-ripped jeans-leggings wearing woman. I get it. Everyone should do you and not care what overs think or say. Now that I have put that out there let’s get down to the shit shall we?

The extremists

Let’s start with my favorite topic ever that gets everyone’s blood boiling lately it seems. The clean eating organic only STOP EATING ANIMALS people. If that’s what you feel is right that’s fine but stop pushing it on others. Because we really don’t care and it’s annoying. If others like myself wanna go out and get a nice fat juicy burger then back off. If we decide to buy normal veggies without the organic stamp who cares? It’s going in out bodies not yours right?! And the clean eating.. I mean come on leave us all alone that’s not just like you. Your acting foolish.

I support farms

If I had a choice to buy fruits and veggies from a store vs a farm it’s the farm hands down everytime. EVEN IF ITS NOT ORGANIC. I support all farms big and small and I am all about local produce and small mom and pop shops. That includes meat. I have no problem buying fresh meats of all kinds from farms. They handle it all in the most humane way. I do not mean the big places that haul all the animals from different places to them to just butcher them. I mean the farms that raise their own livestock and do it humanly. I have animals I love love love animals but I’m not a vegan could never be. I enjoy my meats, fish, dairy ect too much. And I know their are tons of people just like me out there that are so sick and tired of people preaching to us over it. Or standing outside of farms ect with their little signs. Stop the crap. Good for you that you chose the lifestyle you did that’s awesome for you but leave us alone. Then it’s the clean eating or organic only or both. Look not all of us can afford to go into Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s every week. We are not all like you Karen. Hate to rain on your parade but sometimes NO IT DOES NOT TASTE BETTER! Yea I said it go back to your juice bar and deal with it. Now that that has been said let’s go onto the next topic..

Picture perfect moms

Now we all know exactly what I mean here. The moms that dive these sparkling clean white mom cars YES THEY ALL SEEM TO ALWAYS BE WHITE that has all nice clothes on, all the kids are all nice and perfect even their small all toy dog is perfect. We alllllll know that at night once your kids and husband or wife or whoever is in bed you are drinking that mom sized bottle of rosè with all your makeup on watching the bachelor. But when us hot mess moms are out at the exact same target as you, you like to give us the stink eye as if we are a peasant as our kid is having a shit fit in a half over nothing and you have your 4-5 year old Michael Korhs bag hanging off our arm, with none or minimal makeup on. Yes we are not all shiny and perfect, yes our roots are showing, yes our skin doesn’t look like a baby’s ass, yes our kids are out of their minds and yes our bottle of wine at home is the cheap shit but behind closed doors we are probably much happier then you because we don’t need to fake it. Yes most not all but most myself included are on Pinterest daily saving shit we will never make because we are not crafty at least I know I’m not. And you know what I really don’t care. I’ll never be that pta mom, or the mom with all the latest styles, my nails are never done and when they are it’s probably going to be a weird color and not pink. I hope my kid doesn’t want to be in Girl Scouts because I was and I hated it. And yes I run on coffee daily I couldn’t live without it. So when your out and you see us don’t be a Katy bitch mind you’re damn business because we all know behind closed doors your not as perfect as you like to act you are. Now let’s get into the topic that triggers people the most.. politics, religion and everything else that people are too afraid to talk about.

I will NOT be saying who I am voting for but I will be talking how foolish you all act.

Alright let’s get into it shall we. The whole #notmypresident crap is way way too old now. It’s a witch hunt and let’s all face it if this man was ANY other color OR sex this shit would not be happening. Enough is enough. The endless protests, endless violence all of it just stop. At the end of the day he is who he is and no one can change it. We don’t all have to agree with everything he says and does I don’t. But it is what it is now. Enough. The attacks on anyone and everyone that supports him is sickening. You all are out of your damn minds. I mean my god. Grow up move past it. Now let’s talk religion.. stop coming to all of our damn doors preaching!! We don’t want you telling us what you insist we must believe in and to be honest the stuff you give us goes right into the trash. We don’t care we have our own views we don’t need yours. Go away. Oh and one thing I didn’t mention earlier the parents out there that are not putting down what gender their child is when they are born because they want them to find out themselves what they feel they are.. what drugs are you on?! Your worried about kids not knowing what sex they are from birth?! The world isn’t the one confusing those kids it’s you it’s the parents! Why don’t you let your child grow up and once they start feeling that maybe they are not meant to be the sex they were born then you go from there. That’s when you are open to your child and you let them be whatever they feel they are but not right out of the womb. Come on. If my child one day says mommy I feel like I was meant to be a boy then we will have a talk and myself and my husband will accept her for whatever sex she is AND whatever sex she falls in love with AND any race they are. And the parents that’s anti vaccine.. lemme tell you something if your kid brings in some sickness due to this and my baby gets it I will gladly break your damn face. YOU and only YOU are putting your child at risk. Vaccines does not cause autism ect your are born with it. Stop being assholes.

Well with all of that being said..

I think I am done for now bitching although I’m sure I’ll have more to say very soon. So moms out there go get your Starbucks, or Dunkin’ Donuts, or your home brewed coffee, or whatever other brands their are out there and enjoy it even if it’s the second or third time your warming it up for the day. And tonight sit down once everyone is asleep and everything is cleaned and enjoy your wine, beer, vodka, whatever. And too my fellow hot moms out there I feel you I get you and I appreciate your hot mess self. ❤️

#momlife #coffee lover #may be triggering #pintrest #politics #vaccines #farms #new england life

[cheerstocrazy]

Wahh

I’ve been feeling so sad lately bc I’m about to start my period, and last week I was nostalgic as hell for past memories. I’ve only been listening to Don’t Take the Money (unplugged version), Good Guy, and 89 (Bon Iver). It sucks to feel this way. Anyway, I think last week’s nostalgia was triggered by watching The Beauty Inside with Mary and Matthew. The date was just so sweet and intimate, and ugh I just wanted something like that in real life. So I thought back to my date right before I left to NYC, and how nice it was to be with someone so down-to-earth and upfront about his intentions. Someone who understood what I was going through and could recite my feelings back to me. I felt so seen (in the best way). I can’t believe he told me, “Why’d you agree to meet me before leaving? You’re at your most vulnerable right now? So anything is fair game, right?” I was still trying to process all my emotions that week so for him to realize I was at my most vulnerable made me feel transparent and like someone actually understood my current emotions. I was so taken aback that he was able to read me. Now that I’m home and don’t have much going on -- I think back to that night. It was a perfect date/night/finale before leaving. He was just such a good guy, I wish we could’ve stayed friends afterward, but I don’t blame him for not maintaining contact. I mean no one can really put their life on hold and wait for something that’s not even a guarantee. I just felt like the rest of the world ceased to exist that night and time stopped momentarily just for us. We didn’t skip a beat and he was just so curious and he spoke 3 languages (!!!!!!!) and was legitimately woke (!!!!) I remember us sitting at the taco place all by ourselves in the corner with our kind of strange seating arrangement. Eating messily and just chatting about random things like 2 people who had known each other a while. I think me leaving made us more uninhibited and allowed for us to really enjoy the 1 night we had. I wish it didn’t have to end, I really enjoyed how kind he was and sociable. Just an all around really great human. Any girl would be lucky to have him as a friend, let alone a boyfriend. I’m sure all his invitations and effusiveness were said out of hopefulness that this would continue when I got back. I wish what he said was true. He was so well-spoken and deliberate, which I really appreciate in a human, and it’s so rare to find that in a 20 something year old - especially a software engineer!! Ugh, I’m going to cry. Anyway, that was one of my favorite nights of this year, I’ll never forget it. It was the best date I’ve ever been on, and it came at a very strange time in my life. After the Snap guy and the Dr., I just realized that good guys who understand and vibe with me will be incredibly hard to come by.  My favorite moments of 2017: 1. Date with the Israeli guy before leaving to NY 2. (Best/Worst) Nice at Hair in the Dog where I threw up my intestines - the entire day. From eating Japanese food, walking through Brooklyn, finding that wicked cool bar with awesome views. Eating that bomb burger at the South American inspired place with arepas. Waiting in the Sbux to kill time and for a respite. Walking around Brooklyn lost trying to find a club. Going back to the weird bar in LES and being pestered by the Asians. Getting free drinks, ducking to escape them. Eventually running in the rain to Hair of the Dog. Stumbling upon Andrew (hot guy) who just took us into the group and bought us drinks. Dancing with Orr’s friend then him, the hand job (lol). Being piss drunk, then not knowing what happened the rest of the night.  3. Salt Flat weekend with the Brazilians. Will be one of my favorite weekends of life. They were the sweetest and funniest guys ever, I cannot believe I found them. I remember seeing them at the bus station in Potosi and thinking omg, one of them is kinna fat and if he lost some weight, he’d be skinnier. I saw they were eating hot dogs and a bag of chips. Just laughed to realize they were my roommates.  4. The jam sessions and dinner in Cusco.  5. Coachella weekend: Bon Iver, Justice, Porteon, Jai Wolf. Having Julian take care of my the entire set and just swaying with me and keeping me afloat. That was absolute euphoria and a nightmare for me.  *Bon Iver ft Francis - Friends (MY FAVORITE CONCERT MOMENT EVER!) 6. The bar by PP’s apt with the fucking disgusting couple making out for 3 hours. Camaraderie is everyone in the bar clapping, snapchatting, heckling that couple.  7. San Pedro de Atacama - absolutely everything in that desert took my breath away 8. FWB Dr. those 2 weeks were pretty fun to have someone on speed dial to hang out with 9. The marathon 15 hour workday with Kathy and Daniel when we were delirious and literally just putting binders together for 5 hours.  10. Going out with the Chileans to Ex-Fabrica, the taking photos snafu lmao 11. Hanging out with Tiare on my last night in Chile. That was so fun to get day drunk and just eat and walk around.  12. WATCHING THE KILLERS FROM THE ROOFTOP IN AUSTIN!!!!! ZOMG WTF!!! 13. Gorillaz set!!! at ACL 14. I think I ran a 7+ miler this year.... 15. The Huaraz hike, sinking into the mud, standing around each night to joke around with people.  16. The entire day at Machu Picchu which WAS TOTALLY SURREAL AND MEETING THAT GROUP OF PERUVIANS!! AND THE SHORT LIL MAN WHO LOVED ME.  17. Barranco!!!! I love that neighborhood so much!!  18. Going off-roading in Sedona with the random Canadian couple we met.  19. My cute as hell South African roommate!! Eek I loved him so much 20. Hiking Montana de Siete Colores 21. Staying with the cutest Peruvian family in Ica. MY HEART, I LOVED THEM. 

Best songs of the year: 1. Francis and the Lights - May I Have This Dance?  2. Rhys - Swallow Your Pride 3. Frank Ocean - Good Guy/White Ferrari 4. Bleachers - Don’t Take the Money 5. Banks - Crowded Places  6. Mura Masa - What’s It Gonna B? 7. Haim - You Never Knew 8. Lorde - Supercut/The Louvre 9. Odesza - Corners of the Earth 10. Jai Wolf - Starlight 11. Kehlani - Do U Dirty Saddest Moments of the Year: 1. August 2nd - getting the call from Eastridge to notify me that I’d been let go 2. March - Seeing Sal, getting anxious that entire weekend, having no appetite, just the lack of control I had over my body. Dealing with his texting. Getting my car towed. 3. My mother not talking to me for 8 months. That took a toll 4. Dealing with insurance for months on end to resolve nothing.  5. In Banos, Ecuador to have my parents sabotage me for the first time and tell me to come home. 6. Cusco, when my mother wouldn’t take a photo of my vaccinations to which I sobbed on the floor. 7. The endless professional shitting -- all the you’re going to get hired/promoted blah blah. Nope 8. June 13th - when Bryan told me he was leaving the company. My heart sunk.  Honorable Mentions:  1. Colombian straggler 2. Date with the tall ass weirdo who made me not date for 6 months afterwards lol 3. HEAVING AND PUFFING AND DYING AT LAGUNA 69 OMG KILL ME  This was such a hard year for me mentally, physically, emotionally. I’m looking back and even though I did have lots of good moments (due to my South America trip), it was mostly a year that tested me. I just felt like I got walked all over and was taken advantage of. I felt so small most of the year at work and like my value wasn’t realized. It was a lot of feeling hopeful only to get crushed immediately, which I guess is what life is. It was so taxing for me to be at work and just not progress professionally and getting lead on. I didn’t deserve that at all. My best couple of months came from me being laid off, so I guess there’s that silver lining? Boys wise, this year didnt’ work out too well, lots of ghosts coming back into my life and another unsuccessful year of dating. My mother and I didn’t speak to each other for most of the year, which was ridiculous. There was a really big life event this year, and I definitely needed her to be there for me, and she wasn’t. That’s a year we’ll never get back, and I can’t really talk about it without crying. She’s talking to me again, but you don’t get to shut me out of your life for 8 months with no valid reason to talk to me again like nothing happened. This isn’t how it works. I don’t think our relationship will be able to come back after that, especially post election. It was just a really hard time for me, and it would’ve been nice to have a maternal figure for venting. I guess that’s when your friends come in. I remember being in the jacuzzi talking to Tam, and she told me about what my mom said and how she felt while I was away and like her heart sunk. And I was like what about me??? I don’t even know why she’s upset. I just teared up, I couldn’t take it anymore. Especially after my trip, and coming back to reality. I just wanted to disappear for most of this year because I felt so insiginificant, and that’s why I ran off to South America. I wanted anonymity but under my call, not someone else making me feel invisible. All I wanted this year was to be seen and heard, and that rarely happened. This was such a hard year for me, I still can’t get over how difficult it’s been. At least I sleep a lot not and am not stressed out. I need to move.  2018 goal: MOVE OUT OF CALIFORNIA!!! 

[christinamirabilis]

ask meme for the lols cos i’m sick and sad and feeling sorry for myself

Sunrise or sunset?  Sunrise

Are you mentally ill?  Like, I have a mental illness, but I’m not ill.

Are you physically ill?  I have a nasty cold right now.

What is the most expensive thing you have bought?  Either my scooter or the electric piano I used to have, they cost roughly the same I think.

Do you have a job?  Yes I work in a bookstore.

Are you in school?  I’m at university.

Are you a dropout?  I have dropped out of university in the past.

Are you in college?  I’m at university.

Introvert or extrovert?  Most of the time I think I’m an introvert but then occasionally I wonder if I might be an ambivert but honestly it doesn’t really matter.

What do you think when you look at your body?  Gross but nice titties.

What have others said when they look at your body?  Nice titties.

Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply?  Quite a few, but Goodbye by Apparat ft. Soap & Skin always makes me feel things, and usually not in a good way, I associate it pretty strongly with my suicide attempt in 2013

Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? S and I went dancing at Boogie Wonderland just before it closed down - that was the night of my last choir concert, and we had had dinner with my parents, and we had a few drinks and went out dancing and we were so happy and in love and couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

Are you confident wearing a bikini?  Nah but I do it anyway.

Can you look people in the eyes while talking?  Mostly, but sometimes I become aware of the fact that it is polite to make eye contact and all of a sudden it feels like a terrible struggle to maintain it.

Has anything terrible happened to you?  Everyone has had at least one terrible thing happen to them.  I guess the worst thing that has happened to me is that people hurt me when I was very young and that made me unwell.

Has anything wonderful happened to you?  I had the chance to become well again and hopefully turn my experiences to good.

Favourite part of your personality?  I don’t know, but I do think I am very resilient and reasonably empathetic?

Least favourite part of your personality?  Hoo boy where do I start?  Probably my lack of motivation/tendency to procrastinate.

Favourite part of your body?  Titties.

Least favourite part of your body?  Everything that’s not the titties.

Favourite quote?  “Last year I abstained / This year I devour / Without guilt / Which is also an art” - Margaret Atwood.

Do you have friendships with all genders?  More or less.

Do you have a good relationship with your father?  Yeah, it wasn’t good when I was a teenager but it’s good now.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?  Yeah, as above.

Do you have a good relationship with your siblings?  As above haha.

Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member?  Yeah lmao.

Have you ever had a near death experience?  Two should-be-dead near-death experiences, two could-have-died near-death experiences.

Do you know anyone who has taken their own life?  No.

Have you ever tried to take your own life?  Five times.

Biggest lie you have told?  “No I’m not planning to hurt myself.”

Do you follow any conspiracies?  I mean, I don’t know what this question is asking.

Do you believe in a New World Order?  I have no idea because I know nothing about it, but the kinds of people that talk about the New World Order are, in my experience, also the type of people who seem to be anti-vaccination and hold generally very unscientific views about the world, so I am very sceptical.

Do you respect your government and the way your country is run?  I mean, I guess so, we’re supposed to be one of the least corrupt countries in the world, so I suppose I have little to complain about, but we’ve had a conservative government since 2008 and I feel like everything would be a lot better if they were no longer in power, fingers crossed that Labour get their shit together for the election this year (although I will and always do vote for the Greens).

Is there currently any strife in your country?  There’s probably some avocado shortage or something, or, actually, I did read an article this morning about people complaining about bee poop in Whanganui, but that’s it.

Have you ever been displaced within your country?  No.

Are your friendships healthy?  I would say so.

Are you currently fighting with a friend?  Not that I’m aware of.

Are you jealous of a friend? Why?  Not currently.

Do you believe in the Illuminati?  See the answer to question 34.

Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who?  See the answer to question 34.

How can people tell you are nervous?  If i’m either quiet or talking more than usual, fidgety, shaky, stuttering a lot, etc.

How can people tell you are sad?  Quiet, withdrawn, tendency to isolate and not really eat.

Do you ever express your true feelings?  Whenever I can.

Regrets in your life?  Not doing my best to hold on to the love of my life, taking so long to figure out where the fuck my life is going.

Achievements in your life?  Not being dead, I did some cool music stuff once, I bought a vegetable last week.

What did people say about you in school?  Psycho attention-seeking lesbian but also really smart.

What did you say about people in school?  Please do not pay attention to me and let me be psycho in peace also I have never had a gay thought iN MY LIFE

Is there something you have never told anyone?  I don’t think so.

Have you committed an illegal act?  Of course, who hasn’t?  I have jaywalked and pirated and even shoplift a couple of times.

If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it?  Get someone to show me how to buy shares, then buy one million dollars worth of shares.  The next day, liquidate it all, chuck it in my bank account, dolla dolla bill y’all!  and then get on the first flight to Canada.

What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18?  Ballerina, novelist, composer, death.

Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined?  I don’t remember it, I was drunk and then he date raped me.

Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household?  Low income.

Are you from a broken marriage?  No, my parents are extremely married.

Have you been raised by a solo parent?  As above

Do you know both your parents?  As above.

What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have?  Blue eyes, purple hair, pale af white skin.

Have you abused drugs or alcohol?  Nah.

What languages can you speak?  English, some French, a tiny bit of NZSL.

Do you conform to your society’s standards?  I live in a very loose-individualistic culture so there really aren’t a lot of standards to conform to.  But I am a purple-haired lesbian who is covered in self-harm scars so I guess I’m not the poster child for this society.

Do you cry often?  Not usually, but I have cried a lot in the past four months or so.

Do you tell people what you think of them?  It depends on whether I like them or not.

Are you comfortable accepting compliments?  It depends on the compliment and the person giving the compliment.  But I do my best because I know that the person giving the compliment usually means it.

Are you comfortable giving compliments?  Yeah, I think people should know their good qualities, plus it costs nothing to bring a little positiveness to someone’s day.

Is any mental illness hindering your life?  It doesn’t make it easy, no.

Is any physical illness hindering your life?  Right now this cold is stopping me from being comfortable.

Do you keep up with current events?  Not really, only things that I passively read or hear about, I’m too sensitive and I just get upset otherwise.

What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read?  People in Whanganui are upset about bee poop.

What have you done today?  Very little, because I’m sick - woke up from a nightmare about S, cried because I miss her and I always get stupid emotional when I’m sick, went back to sleep, got up late and had a shower, ate some food and finished watching A Series of Unfortunate Events, went to the supermarket, came home and sat on the couch and started watching Legion, and that’s pretty much it.

Do you sleep well?  Normally, if I take all my meds - prazosin to stop most of the nightmares, magnesium for muscle relaxation, helps sleeping oh my god I feel like everyone should take it because it’s amazing.

Do you sleep badly?  I mean, like, the answer to the previous question probably answers this one.

Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting?  Yeah and I regret it every day.  But the person I hurt and I are on good terms and they’ve forgiven me for it, so that’s nice.  I used to do stuff like that when I was 19 and really unwell, in residential treatment, but I haven’t done it since then, so it was a pretty nasty realisation that I had done that, but I guess it was a measure of just how unbearably I was hurting, and just how much I loved the person who was the cause of the hurt.

Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting?  Yeah.

Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why?  I had to end a friendship with someone because they were really frickin awful and told me that I didn’t deserve access to the rape crisis service that helped me deal with my sexual abuse trauma (that this person knew about) as much as they did, because they’re trans, and that to not admit that my sexual abuse was somehow not as bad as theirs was transphobic.  So, yeah, you can see why I ended that relationship, although this person still probably feels like the wronged party - I don’t know, though, I haven’t spoken to them in two years, and honestly I have never missed them even a little bit because they were extremely hard work to be friends with, one of the most self-absorbed people I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing.

Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves?  Yeah.

Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself?  Haha, yes.

Do you like your laugh?  I think it’s kind of ugly although I don’t really think about it much, but I’ve heard from others that it’s cute so idk.

Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind?  No, I plan to just let it happen and lie down on the ground with a paper bag over my head, Hitchhiker’s Guide-style.

Do you have any funny family stories?  Not really, my family are boring as fuck.

Are you religious?  No.

Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies?  I mean, I guess, but they’re certainly not my favourite genre.

Are you interested in cults?  I don’t want to BE in a cult, but I do find them very interesting.

Would you like to raise a family in your country?  I guess so, my country’s pretty good.

List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got?  I honestly can’t think of anything apart from minor material objects that mean nothing and the lack of which had zero impact on my life.  I guess, I could have done with a normal childhood in that I never felt secure, always felt scared, and that was down to the sexual abuse that I suffered.  If I hadn’t been abused, I would have been able to feel safe, and, like, that would have made a huge difference.

Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling?  No, she’s only two and a bit years younger than me.

Are you from a blended family?  No.

Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not?  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with marriage.  And I don’t take the view that some queer people take that marriage equality is assimilationist - although I do very much agree that it really only benefits middle-class and up white cis queers, because marriage is not something that working-class queers care about when they’re literally just trying to stay alive, so marriage is the least of the problems.  But apart from the fact that marriage equality is only a superficial victory in the queer struggle for equality, I do still think that it is a nice, important step, like, it is good for morale in some ways I think.  Anyway, that doesn’t answer the question.  I think, for myself, I would like to get married.  I kind of want all of the things I wanted as a little girl, even though I assumed that it would be with a man - marriage, honeymoon, travelling the world together, raising children together.  Things that I wanted, and then thought I would never have when I was convinced that I was going to die, and that nobody would ever love me regardless.  And then I learned that I was gay, and I learned that I really did want to be loved, and I did want all those things that little-girl me wanted.  But, honestly, that stuff is not important.  Getting married is not important, the travelling the world together is not important, even raising children together is not important - what I want, more than anything, is to be with my soulmate and to love and be loved unconditionally.  And whatever adventures await us is all I need.  That probably sounds cheesy and idealistic but, yeah, I don’t know.  That’s just what I want.  Unfortunately I still have a pretty concrete, unshakeable belief that S is my soulmate and so yeah, that’s pretty hard, but yeah.  We’ll see what the future holds.

What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you?  I don’t know what the nicest thing EVER said to me was, but the nicest thing I remember recently was when my kaiako at wānanga told me that I reminded him of a friend of his, someone that is really cool, and that he thought I seemed like a really cool person - he said this to me even though he had only met me a couple of times, and had no reason to say this, and just, yeah, it was really genuine and it made me feel really good.

Do you keep a journal?  Not anymore.

Would anyone be hurt by reading it?  Not anymore.

Do you have children?  No.

Have you been pregnant?  Hell no.

List your favourite movies?  Nah too hard.

List your favourite people?  Nah too many.

Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body?  No birthmarks.  I have scars on my arms and my right thigh from self-harm, one under my right eyebrow from an old eyebrow piercing, and one on the bottom of my left foot from when I had a veruca cut out when I was 13.

Do you look after yourself?  Lmao no.

Do you put yourself or others first?  It depends on the situation, I try my best to do the right thing.

Are you happy today?  Not really, I’m sick and I miss S so frickin much.

Are you loved?  Yes, but not the way I’d like to be loved.

#lottieface #question thingy

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #436

from a couple days ago again; still don’t feel like rewriting any answers.

Do you own many pairs of shorts? I don't own any. Have you ever taken a close up shot of a flower? A hell of a lot; I love doing that. Have you ever wanted to get drunk and get your mind off everything? Yup. But I don't like hard alcohol and only really drink light fruity stuff, and I'm apparently no lightweight, so I got to the point I just really didn't want to drink anymore. Anything you might be giving up on soon? I have felt very, very hopeless with photography lately that sometimes I'm tempted. I don't think I will, but... it's hard. When was the last time you changed your picture on Facebook? It's been months. Have you ever painted a piece of furniture? Yes, actually. I helped Jason paint his shelf black. Do you have a favorite quote? No. Have you ever made a business card for yourself? No, but I have thought about it. I just really don't have nearly enough popularity among the local photographers to feel like I really need to design one. Did you love playing hide and seek as a kid? YES. I loved it. Are there any recipes you have memorized? No. Do you know your multiplication times tables? ... no lmao Have you ever been severely burned? Not severely, no. Did you ever dream that you had a baby? I actually have more than once. What was the weirdest thing you ever saw cross the road? I think a turkey? Are you good at coming up with jokes? God no. Where do you prefer to sit when you catch the bus? When I used to ride home with Jason from school, we always sat way in the back. Do you ever listen to music to fall asleep to? No. I did when I was younger, though. I went through a loooong phase of sleeping with my iPod. If your parents... or anybody else... found your cell phone, would they be horrified at any of the messages in your inbox/outbox? No. Do you get offended if someone repeatedly checks their mobile phone when you’re out for lunch or dinner? That's very rude. What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard somebody say recently? Anti-vaccination bullshit from my stepmother. :^) Think about the last person you kissed - was it the very first time that you kissed them? No. When you drink alcohol with friends, do you play drinking games? We never did. Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay? Nope. Who was the last person to call you? My psychiatrist. What food disgusts you the most? Things like sashimi and caviar. I also think rare meat like steak, especially when it's still bloody, is absolutely disgusting. I could go on and on about this, 'cuz I think a lot of food is really gross. One place you would never want to get lost in in the dark? The jungle. Yikes. So many dangerous creatures, so claustrophobic, and with the canopy, I'd assume it'd be EXTREMELY dark. And it rains so much in the jungle, so it'd be hard to hear danger approaching. One thing that always creeps you out? Perhaps #1 is seeing an unborn baby move from outside their mother's stomach. I will fucking scream and want to puke. If you could be roommates with anyone of your choice, who would you pick? SARA!!!!!!!!! Omfg I'd LOVE to have her as my roommate. We've actually talked about the possibility, but that's nowhere near set in stone. What is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard? In light of recent events, a high contender is shit like "vaccines cause autism." Would you rather be buried or cremated when you die? I'd strongly prefer to be cremated. What is your favorite food around the holidays? Spiral honey ham, for one. I love Christmas treats like chocolate-covered peanuts, fudge, cookies, etc. etc... Tell me about the greatest prank you’ve ever pulled? I don't pull pranks. If you could have the power to cast any kind of spell, what kind of spell would you cast? Maybe enchanting the human population to not be such violent and hateful fucks??? Have you ever gotten a flu vaccination? Only for Covid. Double dates: a do or don’t? They are SO fun, but I do feel like it's good to have individual ones, too. Do you know any guitarists? Yes. My old friend Tommy actually plays the electric guitar in a band, and Juan was really good at it, too. How do you feel about full-length beards? They look good on some people. It varies with everyone. Do you have any relatives that have shunned you, or vice versa? Not currently. My half-sister stopped talking to me many years ago when I was a homophobic fuck, and I don't blame her. We're perfectly cool now! Has anyone ever posted a HORRIBLE picture of you for everyone to see? omg no Does/did your high school have pop machines? Yes. Have you ever gambled? Nah. If you could work at any retail store, which one would it be? I am NEVER working retail again. I can't handle it. What’s the name of the last cat you pet? Roman. :') Have you ever stringed green beans before? Yes, actually, with Colleen's in-laws. They had a big garden that I helped tend to sometimes. I absolutely hated it with how sweaty I got even then, it was WAY too hot, and my body was also weak back then to where bending down was extremely painful. I just never wanted to say no. Have you ever had any painful dental work done? If so, what? No. What’s your favorite thing to do when you’re bored? It really depends on what I feel like doing, but I think playing World of Warcraft tempts me most often when I'm unbearably bored. What did you watch today? I've just been rewatching Mortem3r play Monster Hunter World. That game looks soooo fun, I wanna try it. ;-; True or False: Yoshi is the cutest dinosaur ever? No. I adore dinosaurs and dinosaur media, so I could name a lot if I thought long enough. Who is the last person you spent money on? My niece. I still feel awful I didn't buy Ryder a gift by myself; I just could NOT decide what to get him. I'm very thankful that Mom let me use one she got him as "mine." They were bright, light-up golf balls, and he loooooved them. What is your relationship like with various members of your family? I have a biiig extended family, man, so I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I am EXTREMELY close to my mom, like there is no way I'd be alive without her, and her support for me seems endless somehow. I love my dad very much too, but I don't see him nearly as much as I wish I did. He tries to support me however he's capable, and he always lets me know that he's there if I need him for anything. I love, am very proud of, and look up to my two sisters, but I'm also very envious of them and how they are successful adults with direction and big accomplishments. We are very different, so we have difficulty with really bonding and talking about things regularly, and it really makes me feel like a terrible sister. My nieces and nephew are absolute diamonds to me, and I'm especially close to Ash's oldest daughter Aubree. She and I are very similar in a lot of areas, so I really relate to her, even in her young age. Ryder really seems to like me, and I love that little rascal, too. :') My youngest niece Emerson is still only a baby, so she can't really communicate in words yet, but she is still a beautiful darling that I'd protect with my life in not even a blink. That covers who I consider my "immediate" family, really, at least that I see regularly. What’s something you disagree with about the way you were raised? I am very firmly against spanking, but my parents did it. I think since Ash's kids were born though, Mom's opinion changed on it. It was around that time, I know. She won't lay a hand on them. Who was the last person to add you as a friend on Facebook? I have no clue, actually. Who was the last person that asked if you were okay? *shrug* The last time you were in a car, who was driving? My mom. Did you ever get into a bar and drink before you were 21? Never tried. What countries have you been to? I've never left the U.S. Honestly, is that car insured? I don't have my own car. What do you think about gay marriage? I vigorously support it. Do you like Carrie Underwood? I actually do. She has a beautiful voice. How far away do you live from your parents? I live with my mom. Idk how far I am from Dad, really... but not THAT far. How do you like your steak cooked? Medium well. Have you ever been to Mount Rushmore? No, and I don't want to. It is absolute vandalism. Where is your favorite place (that you have actually been to)? Chicago blew me away, but I think it's just because it was SO foreign to me. I actually don't like cities very much, but for a brief visit, I thought it was very cool. Do you believe places can really be haunted? Yes. Do you take anti-depressants? Sleeping pills? No. I took anti-depressants for I think most of my life, and they did nothing for me. Come to learn from the doctor who actually set my meds straight that anti-depressants for people with bipolarity do nothing but aggravate the symptoms of bipolarity, and I was living evidence. I take mood stabilizers for said disorder instead. I don't take sleeping pills; none seem to work for me. What’s your favourite brand of peanut butter? Maybe Skippy? Idk, I'm not very picky with pb. What’s your favourite Lunchables meal? The nachos one. How many languages can you recite the alphabet in? Two. Do you like Bob Marley? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I can't stand his voice. Have you ever eaten at Golden Corral? Yeah, but I'm not a fan. Buffets gross me out. Do you sit and eat dinner at the same table with your family? We very rarely sit at the table. Have you been working hard to achieve something lately? If not, what was the last thing you worked hard to achieve? Losing weight, yes. I am honestly trying so hard at the gym, like to the point I've almost fallen many times as well as been overtaken by incredible nausea a lot. I don't feel like I'm over-working, necessarily, just working my ass off. Do you use ice cubes in your fountain drinks? No, because it waters the drink down and I hate it. Would you ever want your very own library, or do you not read enough for it to be worth it? No. I don't read nearly enough, and besides, can you imagine all the dust? What site did you originally start doing surveys on? I actually don't know... Have you ever used something other than water to make ice cubes? What did you do with them? I've actually never thought to do that. Would you ever willingly experience life temporarily without sight, hearing, or any of your other senses, simply to know what it is like? Fuck no. I would go insane. In what ways are you very judgmental? I'll judge the fuck out of rapists, child molesters, pedophiles, people like that with no goddamn shame. But your average person, I try not to judge very much. What is your main problem in life right now? It's hard to determine my main problem, honestly. There are a lot of issues going on in my life that've just piled up into one big tangled mess. Do your “favourites” change often? Definitely not. I've had the same favorites in so many topics for forever. Have you ever read a biography on someone? I've read Ozzy's autobiography, and I also read the Some Kind of Monster Metallica book, which was written by I want to say St. Anger's musical director? This was a very long time ago, and honestly, I thought it was pretty boring, so my memory is faint. You learned quite a bit about the band in his time with them, but damn, I don't care about the musical director al;skdfal;we. Do you know anyone who has ever been in a movie? Who and what movie were they in? What was their part? Not to my knowledge. I have an acquaintance who's had minor acting roles, but I don't believe she's ever been in a film. When was the last time you brought a pet to the vet? What was wrong with it? I want to say around two years ago (probably less) when we got my cat neutered. Have you ever made your way through a corn maze? No.

#survey #surveys #random questions

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #349

“we’ll meet again, when both our cars collide”

When was the last time you had a PopTart? It's been many, many months. Do you like hot chocolate? Well duh. Who made you laugh the hardest today? I haven't really laughed today. Who was the last person to promise you something, and what was it? Hmph. Would you ever jump into a fire to save your bestfriend? I know I would. Do you have a callus from writing too much? No, I only have calluses on my feet from when I used to walk for hours on end. They just never permanently went away, even with grooming. Who is someone you’ve made a bad first impression on? I dread to guess what the girl Jason dated after me was told about me. I shouldn't care at all, but I do. I have every reason to accurately be defined as "the crazy ex," and I fucking hate it. Who is your best guy friend? Girt, a friend from high school. Do you read cereal boxes while you’re eating? I did as a kid, but now I don't. I just kinda stand and eat. What’s the last thing you accidentally (or purposely) burnt? I kinda burnt the roof of my mouth on pizza the other night. Do you know anyone with a lip piercing? Me, haha. I know others, too. What did the last tattoo you saw, look like? I don't remember. Have you ever given birth? NO FUCKING THANK YOU. Do you enjoy making out? I mean if I'm in the mood to and I love you, yeah. Why exactly do you take surveys? "I genuinely like doing them and they’re great for venting and sorting out thoughts and whatnot. I can just ramble and get things off my chest." <<<< This right here covers it. As well, it's just a boredom killer. And I happen to be bored very, very often. Rockband or Gutair Hero? Both are great, why choose just one? What are you listening to right now? Halocene's cover of "Helena" by My Chemical Romance. It's beautiful. What kind of energy drinks do you drink, if any? None, because I just can't do energy drinks. They taste like pure poison to me. Have you ever been swimming in a river? No. Swimming in a river sounds pretty dangerous... Does your alarm clock wake you with music, or with an annoying buzz sound? Music. When you broke stuff in the house as a child, did you blame it on siblings? I'm hoping you don't mean breaking deliberately, 'cuz I wasn't that kind of kid. But anyway, I don't believe I did. Did you make it all the way through the Oregon Trail game? Yes. I was obSESSED with those games as a kid. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Which one are you more scared of? Tigers, probably. They're so stealthy and, while I may be entirely wrong, seem like the top candidate of the three to attack a human, be it for food or defense. And have you SEEN the muscles on a tiger? Christ. Describe the best use that you’ve found for duct tape: Uh, taping things lmao. Do you wrap gifts or use gift bags? I use gift bags, because I can't wrap for shit. What fast food place do you avoid at all costs? Arby's is really gross to me. Are you afraid of deep sea creatures? Just giant squid... *shudders* Have you ever agreed to purchase something on Ebay and got scammed somehow? No. I did, however, purchase something on deviantART and never got the product. It was going to be a present for Jason. In dA's defense though, I've bought like... two or three other things from there, and there were zero issues. It's really about the people you trust. If you get a call that says “Unknown”, do you answer it? Nnnnope. Do you have any bobble head figures? No. Have your parents ever left you somewhere without realizing it? I don't think so. Have you ever been in a tanning bed? No. Did your last kiss mean anything to you? Well yeah, I wouldn't have kissed her otherwise. Would you say that you have a nice smile? No; I've been self-conscious of it since I was a kid, mostly because one of my eyes looks more squinty than the other, but they both are to me. I've always said I look high when I smile lmao. Is there an ex you want to make up with? My mind immediately screams "Jason," but I know that's a horrendous idea. Our last talk ended peacefully and even with care and good wishes, and I need my fucking impenetrable head to accept that's where it needs to end. He does NOT need to re-enter my life. It would be so bad for me. Do you remember how you felt on 9/11? I have no memory of it, if I'm being honest. What outfit makes you feel the most attractive? None. Other than yourself, who knows you the best? Really? Whoever reads these lmao. What’s one complaint that you have about school? Common Core and how every student's school experience was not tailored towards their unique goals. Like they try to cram a shitload of identical and usually useless information into a kid's brain to make them a jack of all trades, you could say, but not enough information they need to properly pursue their career future. It causes such an unnecessary amount of frustration and stress. I have many, many complaints about the education system, but this one tops the list. What do you do while you’re on campus but not in class? Back in college, I would just do stuff on my laptop. Do you know anyone who has Autism/Asperger’s syndrome? Yes. Are you open to a same-sex relationship and why or why not? Well, considering I'm bisexual... Do you remember life without the internet? No. Have you ever found yourself to be ugly? I've gone my entire life thinking I'm ugly, if I'm being real. What is your state’s minimum wage? $7.25 a fucking hour. :'''''') Is there something you want to say to someone but can’t/won’t? There's a few people. What is your first memory of being in a hospital? Considering my mom worked at the local hospital when I was a kid, I remember being there quite, quite young, playing with my older sister in Mom's and her coworkers' room. I think Nicole was too young to really "play." Do you have any relatives with red hair? No. What is something good that has happened to you in the past week? I got my first Covid vaccine. My arm hurts like a motherfucker now, but to protect my mom, it's worth it. Please get vaccinated. How much was the rent/mortgage at the cheapest place you’ve ever lived? That's never been my business. Have you ever been to a gay pride parade? No, but I would go to a local one if I could actually walk five feet without being in serious pain and sweating like a pig. Do you still keep in touch with your very first best friend? We're friends on Facebook, but that's it. What was the topic of the last conversation you had with your dad? I can't remember, but it was recent, because we all met at Ashley's house for Nicole's birthday celebration. How often did you visit your grandparents when you were growing up? Pretty much never, given they all lived no less than like, 10 hours (via car) from where we lived. My immediate family are the only people in NC. When two family members are fighting, what do you usually do? Stay out of it, but admittedly try to listen just to know what's going on. Do you like the smell of men’s cologne? Yeah. What’s your all time FAVORITE freezer food? Do you eat that a lot? I survive off of microwaveable freezer food, so this is very hard... uhhhhh... perhaps this Banquet bowl meal that's mac 'n cheese with spicy chicken. It's absolutely delicious, like you'd never guess that sucker was just popped in the microwave. I'd say I eat it a moderate amount; it's a reliable option if Mom's not cooking and I'm really hungry, because it's super filling. Do you like documentaries? Have you ever watched one and find it boring? I enjoy them, particularly when they're about animals. Were you ever a fan of macaroni & cheese? Do you like Kraft dinner? Ha, speak of mac 'n cheese. I love it, and Kraft makes it fine. Do you burn incense? Not as much as I used to. I love the smell and just general vibe, though. What would you consider an unacceptable first date? Going to a bar or something. Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? In the head, anyway. Is there anything currently bothering you? Multiple things. Would you say that you’ve got something ‘special’ about you? No. Do you like things vampire-related? I don't really have an opinion on vampire stuff. Are you the kind of person who does not like talking about their past? I don't care. Have you ever been to a casino? No. What’s the last thing you wore a costume for besides Halloween related events? Back when I still took dance classes and we had the yearly recital. What does your father do for a living? He's a mailman. What’s the last app you downloaded on your phone? Haha, I re-downloaded this ollllldddd game I had before, Nyan Cat: Lost in Space (or something like that?) for my niece to play. She's hooked on it now. Are you in any discomfort right now? Yeah; as I mentioned, my arm really hurts. What do you know the most about? Of all things I know, almost certainly meerkats. Are you seeing anyone? No. Have you ever hooked back up with an ex, just for sex? Was it a mistake or no? No. Have you ever gotten in trouble for using a phone in class? No, because I didn't use my phone in class. Have you seen all the Shrek movies? No, which is a fucking crime. I need to see the last one. Have you ever finished a whole video game? Plenty plenty plenty. Do you know anyone with a pet snake? Yeah, myself included. If you had to live in an extreme environment — think Sahara, Antarctica, under the sea, on the Moon— where would you want to live? Why? Probably Antarctica. I'm sure it would be unpleasant, being that cold, but I feel there's more you can do about being cold than being in the scalding heat of, say, the Sahara. Living on the moon or in the deep ocean sounds super sucky. How was your day overall? It's been okay. Not as bored as usual, at least. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? Like... zero. I want to say my dad, and I almost do, just... nightmares make that very, very difficult. Plus his past. What does your mom call you? Normally just "Britt." Write a sentence in another language: Oh god, my German is so rusty... uhhhh... Hallo, ich heiße Brittany, und ich bin 25 Jahre alt und wohne in North Carolina. I think I got the grammar right? Have you ever sent an X-Rated picture to someone? No. Even if I was comfortable with my body, I would be way too paranoid to at any point have a naked picture on my phone, even if I deleted it. Like, hello blackmail, but also, nothing you delete is ever really gone permanently. What big city do you live near? Raleigh is like an hour away. Do you like breaded chicken sandwiches? omg YES Is there a Sonic in your area? Yes, it's my favorite fast food joint. You have GOT to try the pretzel twists with cheese dip. Have you ever gone to a thrift store? Yeah, I love 'em. Do you think Johnny Depp is attractive? I do. Are you happy with the state you live in? No, not at all. I hate this place. Bunch of homophobic, racist rednecks. How many times have you seen the opposite sex naked? It's not like I counted every time I saw my ex naked over three and half years lmao. How many times have you seen the same sex naked? A few times. When days go by, do you cross them off on the calendar? I don't use a calendar. Are you currently counting down to something? If so, what? MY TATTOO APPOINTMENT!!!!! :''') I know I can't stop talking about it, but ugh I'm so excited. May 19th, c'mon already. Do you pay rent to your parents? No. Do you dye eggs for Easter? I used to as a kid. Not so much anymore. Are you in debt right now? For what? Oh god, I don't want to think of this. Would you ever work night crew? I really, really wouldn't want to. Humans are diurnal for a reason. Being awake in constant darkness would depress the fuck outta me, and it'd feel so lonely, with everyone I know asleep. Who was the last person that lied to you, or that you can recall lying to you? What did they lie about? How did you find out they were lying? I don't remember. Has anyone ever called you ugly, straight up, before? How did you react to this? No, not to my face. Who is the most stubborn person you know {excluding yourself}? MY MOTHER.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''helena'' by my chemical romance

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #202

"a-m-e-r-i-c-a, home of the free, the sick, and the depraved."

Is there a gang problem in your area? No. Would you date an already-attached person? I'm monogamous and can't stand the idea of cheating. So no. What vaccine that you’ve received hurt the most? Oh I can't remember, I got all my vaccines waaaay back. On that note actually, vaccinate ya fuckin kids. :) Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? Well, I've never done it before. Partially because without my own vehicle or money, I couldn't really take anyone out myself. Who was the last person you hung out with? Girt. Do you watch Oprah? No. Do you drool when you sleep? Very rarely. Is there anyone you're waiting for to get on the computer/call you/txt you? It'd be fucking lovely if my previous school would give me my fucking transcript already. But communication is impossible with them. Do you put deodorant on everyday? If I'm staying home all day in my pjs and I smell fine, then no. I do if before leaving the house no matter the circumstance, and also if I just do think I need it at home. Is Pluto a planet? Pluto is a GODDAMN PLANET fucking 1v1 me if you think she's not I stg. Do you make up your own words? No. Do you know anyone who self harms? Not in the current time, thankfully. That I'm aware of, anyway. Who is the most influential person in your life right now? Sara gives me the most motivation. Do you like Gummy Bears? Yeah, man. Do you like the game Tetris? No. I don't enjoy quick, timed puzzle games like that at all. When do you normally go to bed? Nowadays it can be as early as 8, or at most ~11. Lately I've been going to bed around 9. When was the last time you did something for the first time? Early February. Which do you prefer: Valentine’s Day or Easter? Valentine's. Do you wait until the last minute to decorate, or do you decorate early? We're usually more last-minute. What’s your favorite Starbucks drink? N/A What do you use to sweeten your tea? N/A Which dollar store do you like best? *shrugs* Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette? No. What’s one challenge you want to complete for youtube? N/A If you make youtube videos, do you have a posting schedule? No. When was the last time you stepped outside of your comfort zone? Probably recently? Can't recall what. Do you own a tripod for your camera? Yeah. Would you rather go to London, Paris, or Tokyo? Probably Tokyo. Were you a bigger fan of Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff? Hilary Duff. Which Olsen twin was your favorite: Mary-Kate or Ashley, and why? I remember like, nothing about them. Do you make Halloween costumes out of clothes from your closet? If I wanna dress up, that's pretty much my only option. Do you enjoy putting outfits together? I'm indifferent. What does your umbrella look like? It's just black. Do you like stuffed animals? YES. Were there any subjects that you got a perfect SAT score in? If so, what? Well, this is pretty relevant (I need the scores to resume school). I'm so sure I took it, but apparently not... Do you spent more time in your bedroom or your living room? I live in my room. Do you name stuffed animals still? Not usually. Do you still own your favorite Barbie? I wasn't into Barbies. What’s the most rebellious thing you’ve ever done? I dunno. What’s your favorite thing about yourself? I'm really, really passionate. Have you ever celebrated Valentine’s Day when you were single? No. Do you have any family members that you’ve never met? Plenty of my extended family, and then I don't know one of my sisters. If you’re from the US, what states have you lived in? Just North Carolina. Who was your best roommate? Well it was my then-boyfriend, his best friend, his friend's then-gf, and myself, so I'd obviously choose Jason. What types of YouTube videos are your favorite to watch? Mark's ego ones are my all-time favorites, but if you mean like a general category, let's plays. Which do you watch more: TV, YouTube, or movies? I almost exclusively watch YT. Have you ever wanted to be a model? No. What years did you attend prom? '12 and '14. Do you like your name how it’s spelled? I'm fine with it, but I'd prefer "Brittney," as it's spelled more accurately in terms of how it's pronounced. Did you ever want to be famous? No. Who was your first online friend? Emma. Peruse your bookshelf. Which genre dominates? I don't have one/I don't really read. Does mail get delivered to your door or do you have a mailbox outside? There's a box. If you got a gift card for 50 [your currency], what would you get? I'd save it. Are you good at trivia games? Noooo. If you wear makeup, what’s the most outrageous color you use? I don't use anything unordinary, if I even wear any. What’s the longest song you’ve ever listened to? Shit dude, I'm not sure. "Free Bird" is definitely up there. Do you like garlic bread? Give me ALL of it. Would you ever date someone who didn’t believe in marriage? No; I personally want to be married, so that'd cause some issues. I'd also be concerned that they're not as committed to the relationship as me. What’s the funniest book you’ve ever read? I recall Bite Me: A Love Story by Christopher Moore being pretty funny. Do you think most teenagers are becoming vegetarians just to look cool? No? Have you ever tried climbing a tree? No. When’s the last time you ate a taco? I hate tacos. Would you be more likely to kill yourself or die getting shot? Idk. I've lived through suicidal eras before, and I don't see why I'd be a target to be shot. So it's sad to say, but probably kill myself on impulse. I don't see that ever happening, but just answering the question. 3 things you like to learn about: Meerkats, Mark (look I really don't mean it in a creepy way, I'm just genuinely interested in learning about him), and conspiracy theories. What’s something you could debate about for hours? WOW, never make me do that. Debating gives me anxiety attacks in extreme cases. Has anyone ever called you charming? Maybe? Do you own a pearl necklace? No. What chances do you think you have of becoming a divorcee? Very small; I'm super, super picky with relationships and wouldn't dare marry someone if I had doubts. Would you prefer a black or white cellphone, or a bright colored one? Colored. Does your mom, dad, or siblings play any instruments? No. Your last ex: how did you two get together? He finally admitted he liked me, and though I wasn't totally sure how I felt about him (bf or bro), I decided to give it a shot. What’s the best food for sleepovers? You can't fail with pizza. Does your mom dye her hair? Sometimes, when she's annoyed enough by the gray. If yes, does she deny that she does? No. Are ‘personal response’ essays painful to write for you? Back in school, not at all. How far can you run without breaking a sweat? WHOA girl who told you I RUN??????????? Do you/your parents have any creepy pictures or painting up on the wall? I've been told the Silent Hill stuff is creepy. What’s the best kind of video game? (Adventure, shooting, etc) Horror. I just think it's super cool how something not real can terrify you or literally stop you from moving forward. Do you know anyone who has road rage? MY YOUNGER SISTER. How would you react if your mom got a lip piercing? WOW. I'd be stunned all right. What/who do you take the most pictures of? Nature. Have you been in a play? In elementary and Sunday school. Fries or onion rings? Fries. Do you have a grandparent who refuses to go to an old folk’s home? I only have one, and no, she's still capable of caring for herself. Have you ever made an article of clothing yourself? If so, what was it? No. Do you go to arcades? If so, what’s your go-to game at one? No, but I am SO determined to at least go to one with the Silent Hill arcade game that's incredibly rare. If you were a fantasy character, would you be a warrior, a mage or a rogue? Mage. What tempts you frequently? Tattoos the moment I have money in my hand akdslfjawoei. What’s something that will always distract you from what you’re doing? Loud noises or talking at any volume. Who is the most wonderful, amazing person in your life right now? Sara. My Sara Jane 110%. <3 Do you carry a backpack, a shoulder bag, or a purse? A purse. What’s something attractive in a member of your own gender? I'll answer physically and mentally. Physical: godDAMN do hips do it for me. Mentally: an open, questioning mind hungry to learn. What’s something repulsive in a member of your own gender? Physical: just bad hygiene. I don't find any bodily feature in specific as "repulsive." Mentally: A know-it-all, bitchy attitude. Do your pets sleep next to you at night? Roman always starts off in my bed, usually right beside my head (which is SO damn cute), but occasionally he moves around to other places. Teddy also starts off on the bed if he wants up, but typically jumps down after a while to go to the couch instead. What’s the farthest country you’ve met someone from? Irl, Japan. Online buddies, Australia. Who is your favorite movie villain? Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad, probably. Man, mentioning it makes me wanna watch it again. Or maybe Dark Alessa from the first SH movie as she wonderfully played for a child (she's the youngest nominee ever for the Emmy's AND Genies, y'all) and a truly intimidating character. What’s your favorite flavor of mousse? I don't even remember how it tastes. Do you prefer fruit or berries? ... Berries are fruit? But I get what you're asking, and I think "normal" fruit, despite my favorite fruit being strawberries. Have you ever kept a food diary? I don't believe so. Have you ever calculated whether you get enough minerals and vitamins in your diet? Not myself, but doctors have determined I don't. I know I had a sickening deficit of vitamin D, though; I have to take the vitamin twice a week now. Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? No. Have you ever written a love letter to someone as a joke? That's fucking evil. No. Was your first kiss romantic? It was cute. I guess kinda romantic. Have you ever liked anyone that was in a relationship with someone else? Yes. Have you ever tried to break up anyone because YOU liked the guy/girl? No. Did you ever think someone didn’t like you, but come to find out they really did? I wasn't sure if Sara liked me /romantically/. If you were a school, what would your mascot be? Uhhh I'm not sure. Which of Taylor Swift’s music videos is your favorite? I don't listen to her, nor have I seen her music videos. Do you like your mom’s wedding dress? I don't know if I've ever seen it but in old pictures maybe. Who was the last person to hurt you tremendously? Probably Mom. Have you tried Wii Fit? Yeah, it's a great way to lose weight and tone up. Who did you last make food for? Besides myself, Sara. Have you ever taken a survey while drunk or high? No. Do you have any relatives in a mental hospital? No. Have you ever worn those Drunk Goggles? Yeah, once in D.A.R.E. Can you agree to disagree, or usually get upset over conflicting views? Agree to disagree is pretty easy for me. Rodeos – entertaining, or cruel? FUCK-ING CRUEL. HOW IS IT STILL LEGAL. Who is the best female rocker? Why? As far as singing goes, I looove Angela Gossow from Arch Enemy. The new singer is fine, too. What color of roses do you find the prettiest? A pink/peach gradient sort of one. Or just red. Do you draw fanart of anything? Not regularly at all, but I have before. Do you like the smell of books? Not very much. What’s on your Reading List, so-to-speak, right now? Nothing. Favorite thing to see in museums? Fossils. What things have people shamed you for? Certain controversial opinions, supposedly always wanting pity when I absolutely don't, etc. Do you always reply to private messages? (On any website) Usually, unless they're creepy or it's someone trying to sell a product. Do you like knock-knock jokes? No, I find zero humor in them. Do you prefer earphones or the ear-muff style headphones? Muffs; they block out external sound more and are generally of a higher audio quality. What is one way someone could completely put you off on a first date? Rudeness. What about a way someone could make you like them more on a first date? A good sense of humor. What was the last music video you watched? Did you like it? No clue. Does your voice change when you talk to certain people? Yeah. What’s your favorite chocolate in the valentine box? The ones filled with fudge. What’s your favorite thrift store? *shrugs* Would you ever share your most embarrassing moment publicly? No. Do you eat yogurt a lot? No; not a big fan. What’s a condition you have that you haven’t been officially diagnosed with? None; my issues are diagnosed. ACTUALLY, I still question if I have a tamer form of BPD, but my therapist sees just bipolarity in me, despite fitting quite a few of the qualifiers for an official diagnosis. Oh yeah, I also know I have carpal tunnel, but I'm not diagnosed with it. Which one of your parents do you think is smarter? Oh jeez. I love you, Dad, but Mom is in most areas. My father has ZERO common sense (where I got it from, I'm sure) and has to hear something five billion times before he understands. Which parent do you think you inherited your intelligence level from? Mom. Do you store your bike in a garage for the winter? I don’t have a bike. Have you ever had a professional make-over? No. Have you ever had a professional photo shoot? When my sisters and I were very young, we always got Easter pictures done. As an adult, no. What’s your favorite way to style your hair? I can't really style it much at the length it is, but what I do prefer is having the short hair on the left side of my head positioned towards my face to help conceal the part in my hair that goes from "boy-short" to a bit longer. Also, I just don't enjoy it as much angled down. What irritates you about your daily life? Being alone nearly all day with not a damn thing to do. Doing the same shit every single day gets old. And fast. What makes you feel more creative? Above anything else, MUSIC. It plays such an influence in my drawings and story development. What’s your anti-depressant? Show me Mark laughing his ass off at that stupid "shoosh" thing or watching meerkats be cute. Music can be, sometimes. What’s your favorite fragrance? I'm assuming you mean things like perfume? In that case, something subtle and fresh, like a weak floral sort. Ever found something disgusting in your food while eating out? I don't believe so. Do you ever babysit? No. I did it once in my life years upon years ago for my former neighbor, and while she was a good kid, I was CLUELESS on what to do/how to really interact as much as an adult should with a toddler. Then changing a diaper, jfc. Thank God she hadn't shit in it, because then it woulda been all over. I was only less stressed when Jason came over because hi former man/baby heart throbbing that used to make my abstinent uterus cry, how are ya. We ended up all on the couch together napping, so I mean, I guess mission accomplished???? But yeah, never will again. What is your favorite medication that you take, and why? Latuda + Lamictal played a massive part in literally saving my life. What color hair did your first crush have? Brown, I think? Would you rather do a craft project or a science experiment? Totally a science experiment. What was the last thing you spray-painted? My hair probably for some Halloween event, I think? Do you paint rocks and hide them in your town? ... Is this a thing?????????? Do you have any cousins who look like you? No. What color band and stone does your class ring have? I didn't get one. What’s one thing you are bad at drawing? Hands. HANDS. Can you see the mountains from where you live? No. Did you ever play pranks on April Fool’s Day? Not anymore. Have you ever played a prank and later regretted it? I've mentioned before my sister, our neighbor, and I had a phase of being asshole kids making prank phone calls, so that. Does chronic illness keep you from doing the things you want to do? Not exactly; I guess a good metaphor would be it's like being a chained dog with the leash about to break. I can't seem to get to some places yet, but I'm putting sincere effort into overcoming those limitations. Do you part your hair on the left side, right side, or in the middle? Left. Do you have bangs? No. Do you think you look good with bangs? NO. When was the last time you got an injection? I believe when I was getting a cavity filled at the dentist, so I had numbing shots. How often do you charge your phone? Depends on how much it's used, but maybe every other day, usually? In a house fire, what three things would you save? My mom, dog, and snake. How long is the journey to get to school or work? N/A Where did you meet your best friend? YouTube. Do you use body wash, shower gel, or soap? Body wash. Do you use public transport regularly? No. Who do you usually say hello or good morning first? Mom sometimes or one of the pets. Have you ever had to work while there was a film crew at your work place? No. What’s your favorite color of carnation? I just looked up pictures to remember what they were, and I really like those white and pink ones. Do you/have you worked a job where you could bring leftover food home from? No. Who or what greets you at the door every time you come home? Teddy and Bentley. Do you ever chat about your favorite video games with your friends? Silent Hill, yes. I'm an admin on its wiki, so pay attention to everything that's going on and contribute to blog posts/forums if I'm not a lazy shit that doesn't wanna read long things. Girt and I talk about World of Warcraft occasionally. Have you ever supported anyone’s Kickstarter? If so, what was it? No. What do you like in your omelet? I haven't had an omelet in, God, forever, but I love the ones with American cheese and bits of ham. Are you currently studying a language? If so, which one? None currently. Do you have free tickets for anything that need to be used soon? Idk. How many things do you remember from the first few years of your life? Oh, boy. I have incredible long-term memory, but it only spans back so far, and I don't know how many years qualifies as just "the first few." I'm also HORRIBLE at categorizing events by age. But w/e, just gonna guesstimate like, 1-4. 1.) I watched my insane brother go down the slide of our playset into the essential lake Hurricane Floyd caused in our yard; 2.) lots of things in pre-k, 3.) being babysat, and our first one always gave Nicole and me moonpies; 4.) going to an absolutely awful daycare where I had my hand slapped by a teacher just for unknowingly going into the wrong room to pick up a toy during playtime (I literally sobbed my lungs out until Mom got me, and she never took me back); 5.) mentioning her, I had AWFUL separation anxiety; 6.) I very publicly had a M E N T A L  B R E A K D O W N before I got my blood drawn for the first time (at least at the age where I could understand what was about to happen); 7.) playing with my best friend; and that's all for now. I'm sure there's a whole lot more. NONONONONONO WAIT. So this is super specific, but boy do I remember it. Nap time. Nope. The teacher would have quiet instrumental music on, and I remember so well that if "Für Elise" came on, I would secretly be crying on my "bed" with this random vision of my mom literally melting while looking horrified. Look, I don't. I don't understand either. A child's brain is one hell of an artist. What is something that you would you say you have an advanced knowledge of? Will I ever answer questions like these with anything other than "meerkats?" What is a restaurant that you would never eat at? Anything sketchy, for one. If it doesn't look decently hygienic, I'm not touching anything there. What historical event do you have an advanced knowledge of? HA, none. What is a phrase that you use that you don’t hear many other people use? I dunno. Well, there's "gg" ("good game"=[usually] sarcastic "good job"), which is pretty much gamer terminology; I've said it before in front of people and yeah, didn't understand. Who’s the last person you told a secret to? Either Sara or Mom, idr. Which side of the bed do you sleep on? I sleep more towards the middle of my bed, but I am closer to the left side. Are you currently looking for a job? I'm desperate enough for a job that I'm in vocational rehab. Think that's a sufficient answer. Is there anything currently hurting on your body? Surprisingly not. When was the last time you were told you were cute? *shrugs* Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence? Dad or Kim, I think. Do your parents really know you? Mom, for sure. I don't feel that Dad truly knows me deeply. Like he's familiar with some things I enjoy and my timidness, but I think that's... kinda it? I mean I'm a whoooole different person from what I was when he left, and there were a couple years before I spoke to him again, so that's a large period of time to change. I do know some of our political/moral beliefs are inverse of each other, and I've got a feeling just from me knowing him that he likely doesn't take mental illness like depression very seriously, and with me being. Me. Disorders are apparently attracted to me. But seriously, as I wrote, I don't know if that's at all true. Honestly who was the first person to tell you they love you? Romantically or platonically? I can pretty much guarantee my mom was the first person to say that ever, but romantically, idk. Probably one of those two boys that wouldn't leave me alone for anything.in pre-k, though I think it's quite obvious neither loved me at that age. Have you ever broken up with someone and become bitter enemies? No. Were you ever obsessed with Vitamin Water? I don't think I've ever even tried it. Have you ever had a weird dream and obsessed over what it might mean? No, as I don't feel they have any strange/"special" meanings. Or do you usually forget about your dreams? And then there's also that. Which languages can you speak? English, some simple German. Which language do you speak the most and why? English, because I was raised speaking it. What celebrities, if any, have you seen naked? None. I know, SHOCKING. Have you ever seen anybody naked by accident? Yeah. Have you ever wondered what somebody looks like naked? Sure. Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about a celebrity? I plead the 5th. Do you think guys look good in makeup? You ROCK THAT SHIT, QUEEN. Do you like using clay and/or peel-off masks for skincare? I like face masks, but it's not something we buy. Instead I just use Biore charcoal scrub. If you have a job, who’s your closest friend at work? N/A Is there an automatic fog light in your yard? No. What’s your go-to activity when you’re bored? Surveys, usually. Have you ever worked in an office? No.

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