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peterparkerstarker · 4 years

Text

Better Soon

ngl, this is me working through all my feelings about my own recent breakup, i’m pretty dang proud of this as fic in general, and it was really cathartic to write out

cw/tw: Starker, Peter is in college, post breakup feels/angst

The hardest thing about the breakup, Peter realized, were the things that caught him off guard.

He’d go hours, days even, without thinking too hard about it, and then something would smack him in the face with memories and he’d feel that wound, fresh and stinging all over again.

He’d done all the right things at first, had unfollowed but not unfriended Tony on social media, blocked his web browser from showing any articles that mentioned him, tried his best to create some space for himself to not be bombarded by Tony’s image and memory.

He’d done everything he was supposed to do to heal after a break up he’d never wanted. But how the hell was he supposed to escape Tony Stark when Iron Man was everywhere?

He’d retreated back to his apartment in Queens with Aunt May, the Avengers compound too full of memories and reminders, but he found that his room was crammed full of things that made his heart clench every time he saw them.

Tickets to the Dodgers game that Tony and Steve had taken him to, pinned on his bulletin board next to a poster about a lecture Tony had given 3 years ago at MIT, before any of this had started. An old tie that they'd left haphazardly on the floor, unfashioned too roughly from Tony's neck after the gala they’d gone to last month. And about a million other things on top of that.

He’d tried to coexist with it at first, had hoped that if he didn’t disturb the items, didn’t box them up like he knew he ought to, that it wouldn’t actually be real, that maybe they’d still get back together. He knew it was in vain, but he hoped.

They hadn’t texted since that night, hadn’t exchanged one goofy selfie, or good morning text, or a single update about how their day was.

It felt like a whole chunk of his life was ripped out, his phone silent and boring. Ned and MJ and May and the other Avengers had all tried to check in on him, all tried to support him through this. But he found himself resenting their messages of well wishes and support. He wanted his phone to chime with a text from Tony. Wanted an apology for making the biggest mistake of his life. A desperate plea for forgiveness.

But instead he had nothing from him for 5 days.

And it ate him up inside.

He found himself searching for Tony’s name online, wanting to find signs of the man missing him. But each time he scrolled through Twitter and Instagram, his heart broke just a little more.

There was nothing for the first couple days. That had made sense. Peter got the sense that Tony hadn’t told a lot of people about ending things. And besides, they were never able to be very public online, the potential for public backlash and scrutiny too high for them to risk in their newly budding romance.

It had made sense at the time. But now it hurt that no one beside his closest friends really knew.

He didn’t want to be dramatic and childish by broadcasting his heartbreak all over Facebook, but it hurt that all these acquaintances from high school and distant relatives thought he was fine, that everything was smooth sailing as usual. It hurt that none of them really knew.

And then, after a few days of obsessively checking and breathing a sigh of relief that there were no new posts, he started seeing signs of activity. Likes on their mutual friends posts, comments here or there, Tony posting a meme onto his story and a selfie on Snapchat.

The world kept turning, and Tony was moving on.

But Peter’s heart broke all over with each self-sabotaging click on Tony’s name.

Peter tried to keep a level head. Knew that whatever he posted would speak volumes about how well he was handling this to everyone in the know. So he posted once or twice a day, sometimes a selfie with a vague but positive caption, reblogged a funny post about Steve's hair.

He wanted to prove he was doing okay to the outside world, but especially to Tony, if he was seeing Peter's posts. He didn’t know if it actually worked, and he was too scared to ask.

He knew it wasn’t healthy, this compulsion to check on Tony’s Snap story or make sure he hadn’t unfollowed Peter on Instagram, but it was all he had. The last tangible connection to the life he’d been building with Tony. And as much as it tore him open each time and salted the inflamed skin, he couldn’t stop.

Deep down he didn’t think he wanted to stop, he wasn’t ready to let go.

The first message from Tony in nearly a week had been practically transactional, about exchanging their items.

He’d cried that night, suppressed sobs that wrenched from his aching lungs and chest, trying to stay quiet enough to not wake up May and worry her.

But he’d eventually pulled himself together and dutifully packed up Tony’s items, the five months of their relationship together fitting neatly into one medium sized box. It felt kind of nice, actually, to fold up each sweater or undershirt and say goodbye to yet another piece of Tony.

But it also felt so pathetic, how little space Tony's things took up in his tiny bedroom when he put them all together. He said goodbye silently to them, and kept it together the rest of the afternoon, smiling and chatting with May, pretending that he wasn’t bleeding inside from the pain of it all.

And then he’d broken down on his way to the subway; a poster of Tony on a gigantic billboard that caught him off guard, made him feel like he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t stop feeling the knife digging in deeper and deeper. It was mortifying, and no one on the crowded sidewalk gave him a second glance, let alone stopped to ask him if he was okay, they were all too busy with their own thoughts. No one cared that his life was burning down around him.

Eventually he pulled himself together once more, got on the subway, and rode it to the stop he knew so well. He felt numb, but that was better than feeling everything, numb was better than the gut wrenching loss he’d been living with for 6 days now.

At least he hoped it was.

God, he really hoped it was.

And then he finally saw Tony, coming down into the lobby of his building. It was the first time he’d seen the man since that night, when he’d sat with Peter on his tiny bed in Queens and told him he didn’t see a future with him and that he wanted to cut things off before it went any further.

Peter knew Tony had tried to do the right thing, tried to respect Peter enough to not lead him on any more than he already had. But it didn’t stop it from hurting. Didn’t stop Peter from feeling numb when he laid eyes on Tony now.

He’d awkwardly handed off the box to him, and Tony invited him up to the penthouse to collect his boxes. Of course he had more stuff to lug back home than he’d brought. He’d spent practically all his time at the tower, Tony's bed was nicer, and it was close to his university.

It had made sense at the time.

They stopped in the hallway, Tony asked him about some mundane television show that was suddenly popular and for a very brief moment, it felt like old times, like they were just Tony and Peter, catching up after a long day and about to go grab dinner.

It felt nice... comfortable even, and he found his hope rising like the traitor it was, but it was over all too soon, and suddenly Tony was helping him carry the second box down stairs and out to a car he’d called for Peter. Peter cracked a bad joke that rang too true for the pain he was feeling and he winced, embarrassed and angry at himself for not playing it cool. They awkwardly wished each other a good night and that was it, the culmination of 5 months of his life with Tony.

He cried on the way home, tears slipping fat and wet from his face as he called Ned and began to sob.

And now it was weeks later, Peter still didn’t quite know how to function with this Tony shaped hole in his life. He still felt the whiplash of seeing something that reminded him of a good memory together, still felt the compulsion to look him up online, but he tried his best to resist.

Most days it didn’t work, but it was getting incrementally easier to handle the wave of panic that hit each time he saw something that proved Tony was moving on, was leaving him and the love he thought they’d shared behind.

He missed being touched.

Sometimes he wanted to be fucked senseless, to not feel any of the feelings he couldn’t shove down.

Sometimes he just wanted to be held and caressed and loved in the way only a boyfriend could.

Most of the time he just missed not feeling alone. Nights were the hardest, too quiet and hardly anyone awake to chat with and keep his mind occupied. Nights had been their time, and it still hurt most then,

He didn’t know when he’d be okay, be at peace with it. But he was still trying, still trying to be kind to himself and to the people who loved him. He was still trying to be better everyday. He hoped it would get better soon, he really missed the bubblegum feeling of being happy and in love.

He hoped he would get better soon, he deserved to be happy, he kept reminding himself.

Peter was so grateful for the people in his life who listened and encouraged him, so glad to be feeling a little better each day, but it was the little things that caught him off guard and made him feel sad and alone all over again. It would get better soon, he told himself.

He truly hoped it would get better soon.

#starker #breakup #angst #my fic #my writing

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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720

WHO was the last person...

you spoke to, in person? It was my mom. She went down around 20 minutes ago to make a couple of sandwiches for herself and dad. The quarantine has made our body clocks completely bonkers and it’ll be typical to see either parent go downstairs at 12 or 1 in the morning to make a meal.

you called? I rang up Gab fiveish minutes ago so we can do a video call on Messenger.

that called you? My mom called me from downstairs the other day to reprimand me about something I said on Facebook cause she said it might offend some of my relatives lol.

you texted? I haven’t texted in a hot fuckin’ minute. I’ve only been at home in the last month, so there’s been little need to spend on load for my phone when I can communicate with classmates and family from online anyway.

that sent you a text? My dad. He texted me that breakfast was ready so that he didn’t need to go into my bedroom, which I’m highkey thankful for. My mom would just burst into the room, pull up my window shade so the sunlight can come in, and yell in a loud voice so I wake up. It’s never improved my mood in all the times she’s done it so I dunno why she continues doing it.

you kissed? Gab, but that was a month ago ugh.

that kissed you? Also her.

you yelled at? My mom. She was yelling at me, so I yelled at her as well because two can play at that game now.

that yelled at you? ^

you watched a movie with? I watched Two for the Road by myself last night but as for companions, the last one I had was Gabie when we watched Titanic a few months ago.

you ate dinner with? My family. We eat dinner together every night, at least whenever my dad is back home in the country.

you were in a photo with? Also family. I haven’t been in a photo with anyone other than them in a while...

you took a photo of? That would be my dog. I don’t take photos of people these days, mostly because I’m unable to.

you went to a concert with? I went to my Paramore gig by myself since I couldn’t find anyone who had front row seats like me, but on the day of the concert itself, Denise, Erycka, and Leigh (who were all also going to the show but got cheaper seats) asked to hitch a ride with me. Gabie was also present but that’s only because she was excited for me and wanted to be around for that experience of mine.

you lied to? Probably a schoolmate that I had told I was busy even though I wasn’t and I just didn’t want to work that time.

you invited somewhere? I think Blanch? I told her we should go to Ayala Museum once we can go out again so she can see the prehistoric gold exhibit that they have.

you dated? Just my current girlfriend.

you dumped? I haven’t dumped anyone.

you rejected? Uh... technically Mike. There weren’t any words said, no closure or whatever, but I think we both knew and understood that he liked me but I let him find out for himself that I had already gotten back with my ex. Back then I was still horrible at the confrontation thing and didn’t know how to break it to him.

you held hands with? Gab, over a month ago.

you hugged? Same answer.

you let cry on your shoulder? Egh, I’m only mentally capable of doing this for Gabie. I can let people rant to me but it’s personally not good for my own mental health if I had people crying to me all the time.

that let you cry on their shoulder? Technically it was my dog. But the last person was either Angela or Gab, I don’t really remember.

you bought a gift for? I don’t remember aaaahhhhh. It was probably a Valentine’s gift though.

you wished a happy birthday? Luisa.

that disappointed you? Some distant relative who had recently added me on Facebook then, only for me to see her pro-government posts. I never unfriended someone so quickly.

that stayed over at your place? Ralph, my sister’s now ex-boyfriend. Never liked the guy and am so glad they broke up, I never did like seeing him around in our house hah. that let you crash at their place? Gabie, but only to have dinner and work. that made you angry? My mom told me personal insults over a chore I did wrong a few days ago and it made me really angry. that complimented you? Andrew and I exchanged compliments when we needed pick-me-ups sometime last week. whom you complimented? ^ you thanked? My dad, when I saw him baking chocolate chip cookies a while ago after I had nagged him all week to make some. that thanked you? Mom. She asked me to fetch her something. you saw, in person? Right now I can see my sister on the couch. I think she’s watching an anime or playing some game on her laptop. that bought you something? Now hasn’t really been the time to ask for non-essential stuff, but my dad did buy me my requested soju a few weeks ago. that made you laugh? My sister I think? My family watched an online mass livestream earlier and my mom wanted to try out an American Catholic church after my grand-aunt (who lives in the States) recommended that specific parish. ANYWAY so of course their accent was very different to what we’re used to, and my sister’s fazed reaction to how they said one of the words made me laugh. that you said you loved? Gab. that said they loved you? My mom. you flipped off? Haven’t done this to anyone in a whiiiiileeeeee. you made a silly face at? It would always be just my dog but person-wise I don’t even remember anymore. that drove you somewhere? Dad drove me and my mom to the local columbarium last month.

WHAT was the last thing you...

touched? Other than the keyboard and trackpad, I used a spoon to eat some of the raw cookie dough my dad had prepared heh.

threw? Second day I’m trying to finish this survey lol. I just took the last piece of painkillers to treat my headache, so I threw the packaging like 30 seconds ago.

ate? Shrimp pasta that my mom made for dinner.

drank? Coffee.

found stuck in your teeth? Idk, bits of food that I don’t really keep track of.

cooked? :( Never cooked a full meal ever but the last thing I *helped* my dad with was breading the meat he was gonna use to make pork chop haha.

baked? Chocolate chip cookies two years ago. I remember it distinctly because I never bake.

bought? Man I haven’t bought anything in forever. I’m thinking about it and it’s probably something I bought for lunch at school? The only thing I buy is food anyway so I’m pretty sure I’m at least on the right track.

sold? I'm not much of an entrepreneur.

took a photo of? My dog with a cold compress on top of his head. The weather is starting to be unforgiving so I’ve been allotting my own compress for Kimi so that he doesn’t feel overheated.

were frustrated with? My mom telling us we had to watch a mass livestream this morning -_____- I thought she was only gonna make us ‘attend’ the Lenten masses i.e. Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday, but it’s past Lent and she’s still making us do it. I’m guessing it’s gonna be routine every Sunday now, ugh.

broke? I don’t tinker much for the very reason that I tend to break everything I touch. That being said, I haven’t broken anything in a while.

spilled? I have a fear of spilling stuff because my mom has always reacted negatively to that. Yay for trauma!

tripped on? A piece of bone that my dog had left on the floor. It felt like stepping on a goddamn Lego.

kicked? My blanket when I started feeling too warm inside my room.

put batteries in? I haven’t used batteries in ages.

turned on? I opened my laptop to continue this survey.

turned off? My Nintendo Switch, when I didn’t feel like playing anymore.

wrote? A survey, if anything. I haven’t had to write anything ever since they suspended online classes.

wrote on? I think it was my sister’s notebook.

cleaned? Myself? I just took a bath if that counts.

WHERE was the last place you...

dined at? I’m pretty sure it was Yabu. Gab and I went out for dinner on the last Monday before the lockdown, didn’t see each other all week, then by Saturday when we saw each other again we just had dinner at her place. So it’s gotta be Yabu.

ordered something to go? A local sushi place and a local pizza place, a week ago. My dad was too lazy to cook that evening so we got takeout instead.

bought something? The local milk tea place that we have in school and Rodic’s. I got myself milk tea, and I got my dad my favorite meal from Rodic’s, tapsilog.

cried? My room, I think.

felt uncomfortable? Just the house cause I haven’t been anywhere in a month.

drove to? My girlfriend’s school and then her house.

had an appointment at? Eye doctor at SM Marikina.

went on vacation? Tagaytay and then we moved to Cavite the day after so that we got to maximize the time that we had to have a staycation.

hung out with a friend? The 30th. Ughhhhh I miss the mall.

bought clothes? Feliz, at an independent clothing stall at one of the top floors.

spent more than you had planned? Feliz then I even had the audacity to move to The 30th to spend more lmaooooo AND THAT WAS A MONDAY. I was so bad at saving money skksks.

saw a band/singer/musician perform? One of the local arenas in Manila so I can watch Paramore.

WHEN was the last time you...

told someone 'I love you'? A little over an hour ago I think.

cried? I don’t remember.

laughed? A few hours ago, maybe? I always laugh when I come across a dumb meme on Facebook.

left your home? March 10th. Really not a good time to be asking that question lol.

drank a soda/pop? Sometime in February when my org had an event and the only drink being served was Coke. I was extremely hungry/thirsty that evening so I had no problem chugging soda down, even though it was so unpleasant.

made your bed? This morning.

visited a doctor? March 9th.

went to the emergency room? I’ve never had to go to the emergency room except for the time I was being delivered.

kissed someone? The last weekend before the lockdown. Man, I had no idea how lame/sad my answers were going to be lmaooo I really should have thought that through before starting a “when was the last time you” survey.

hugged someone? Also a month ago. I’m not a hugger in the family but I do hug my friends a lot.

prayed? Sometime when I was 9 or 10 years old.

worked out? Last semester when my PE was actually focused on working out instead of a sport.

made a phone call? This afternoon. My mom got me load for my phone (after a month of not having any!!!) just because, so I surprised Gab by calling her.

answered a phone? Last night.

had an argument? A few days ago.

played a video game? A little over an hour ago. I was playing Mario Kart 8.

played a card game? It wasn’t necessarily a card game but last January at Rita’s place, she took out a deck, asked us to pick certain cards, and then told us about our relationships and the issues that lurk beneath it based on the cards that were left hahahaha. Of course I think the strategy itself is bullshit but Rita speaks well and is a psych student, so we still ended up having a good conversation after hearing the verdict for mine.

played a board game? Ages ago. I can’t even tell you how long it’s been.

rode a bike? Around a month ago. I told myself I was gonna learn how to ride a bike during the quarantine, but it’s been so hot outside these days that it’s so easy to run out of enthusiasm for it.

fell on your butt? I don’t remember.

took a shower? In the last hour.

took a bubble bath? A year ago, maybe longer.

watched TV? I asked dad to watch El Camino with me on my his and my mom’s TV when it came out, so that would be last October.

saw a movie at a theater? December. It was for Knives Out.

ate fast food? 3-4 weeks ago if I’m not mistaken.

ordered a pizza? A couple of weeks ago. We tried Angel’s Pizza for a change and it turned out to be loads better than Pizza Hut which tends to be our usual.

made someone laugh? I probably made a few people laugh off of the few memes I shared today, so there’s that.

sang? Like a half hour ago. Hayley from Paramore shared a clip of the band performing Hard Times to celebrate the song turning 3 and it turns out the gig was from their show in Manila, so I hurriedly clicked on the video and sang along.

played a musical instrument? It’s been many months since I last used the keyboard.

read a book? A month-ish ago.

drove a car? My dad asked me to move my car to a different spot sometime last week, which felt so surreal as I hadn’t driven in a few weeks. It felt so weird driving again and I had to drive in a crawl to get accustomed to being in the driver’s seat again.

went swimming? August 2019, at a beach in Nasugbu.

got a sunburn? Haven’t gotten a sunburn since I was little.

went to church or temple? First week of March.

went shopping? I don’t really remember but it was one of the last few weekends before the lockdown.

drank alcohol? Two weeks ago.

smoked a cigarette? Sometime in March, the same night when my friends and I went to BGC to party. When everyone else went home, Gab and I stayed for a bit, strolled around The Palace, and had a smoke while watching everyone else around us get crazy wasted.

threw up? Sometime last year. I haven’t drunk too much recently.

had a headache? Tonight.

had a cold? Maybe last year or a couple of years ago. I don’t get colds a lot.

had the flu? Probably not since I was little. I’ve gotten fevers in the last few years but that was all there was to it. I’ve never been sick and had cough and colds at the same time, at least not for a very long time.

had your hair cut? A week before the lockdown -____- Barely anyone got to see my bangs and I’ll always be disappointed about that hahaha.

dyed your hair? Never.

laughed so hard that you cried? I remember watching a hilarious clip on Facebook of this lady who had a contagious fucking laugh, I think it was a week ago or a little over that.

#survey #surveys

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alanturingdeservedbetter · 6 years

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1-150

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

My mom and probably my college wife before that.

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Shy.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

You, assuming I actually make time for that.

4. Are you easy to get along with?

Somewhat. I tend to be really nice to most people, apart from those I'm actually close to, who might find me a bit too straightforward/harsh at times.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

I don't currently like someone and don't tend to get drunk but I certainly hope they would.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Hell if I know.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Probably not a full-blown relationship but I've recently started talking to a really nice person on Tinder and I feel like that might lead to something.

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

Fuck the gender binary. Jonah the college dog is on my mind. He's such a fluffy boi.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Having a serious conversation about sex does, joking about it does not, as you well know.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

College wife perhaps? I'm not actually sure.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

"Poate" (Maybe) on Facebook and "The luggage hasn't started to arrive yet," as an actual text.

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

All of Anastasia the Musical cause you can't make me choose, The Harvard Variations from Legally Blonde, Voctave's version of Mary Did You Know, Muro Shavo, Don't Stop Me Now.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

I like the sensation but I'm also uncomfortably aware that they're making it greasy by touching it. I'm such a romantic.

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Luck is definitely a thing but I don't believe in influencing it by lucky charms etc or in the idea that some people are particularly (un)lucky. Miracles I don't really believe in.

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I met at least one really cool person.

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Hypothetically speaking I am not particularly against it but we are not in any way romantically involved - weren't at the time of the kiss either - so I believe it's unlikely to happen.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Yep.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

I don't even remember his full name anymore.

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Bubble baths are the best but I feel like I'm not chill enough to fully enjoy them, I get bored really fast.

20. Do you like your neighbors?

We don't really interact but my parents don't like some of them.

21. What are you bad habits?

Getting bored of browsing the internet on my laptop and switching to my phone to see how the smaller more exciting internet is doing, scrolling through facebook for so long after I wake up that I end up being late for both breakfast and lectures, washing the dishes hours later.

22. Where would you like to travel?

Russia. St Petersburg in particular.

23. Do you have trust issues?

Who, me? Never. They're not the result of past experiences though, being terrified of emotional vulnerability is just who I am.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Either sleep or coffee.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

My nose while wearing makeup cause it gets all cakey.

26. What do you do when you wake up?

See question 21.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Neither.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

You and Sichli.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Dead men tell no tales, and people you've unfriended on facebook also tend to be quiet.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

I'm not that excited about the institution of marriage but I guess if I find the right person.

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

Technically, but it would be like 1 inch long.

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

I'm not particularly into the concept of a threesome but I'm gonna go for Natalie Dormer and a younger version of Jude Law.

33. Spell your name with your chin.

899a

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

All of them.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Yeah, but I'm over it now.

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

They're called "silences" for a reason.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Damianos of Akielos.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Bookstores of any kind.

40. What do you want to do after high school?

I'm not in high school anymore and you know this so this should have said 1-39, 41-150.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

A second chance from someone in particular, no. A chance at redemption from a general moral standpoint, yeah, I think most people deserve one.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

You're, and me being extremely quiet is just business as usual.

43. Do you smile at strangers?

If they're cute or they do silly stuff.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Outer space, the bottom of the ocean is fucking scary.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

My joints would start hurting if I didn't.

46. What are you paranoid about?

People dying, anything with the potential to fail.

47. Have you ever been high?

No.

48. Have you ever been drunk?

A few times but not drunk enough to pass out or anything like that.

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Nothing I can think of right now.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

It's grey and has a pic of Kylo Ren on it.

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Yeah, mostly really smart people/prodigies/whatever.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I'd get rid of my social anxiety and maybe make myself a bit more extroverted.

53. Favourite makeup brand?

Nyx, perhaps? I'm not sure.

54. Favourite store?

Lush and cosmetics stores in general. Note that they're not my favourite places to shop at because the sales assistants tend to be really pushy (and yeah, I know it's just company policy).

55. Favourite blog?

Mine, obviously.

56. Favourite colour?

Navy blue.

57. Favourite food?

Chicken vindaloo or pizza.

58. Last thing you ate?

A biscuit.

59. First thing you ate this morning?

Cascaval pane de la Hochland.

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Maths olympiad.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Nope.

62. Been arrested? For what?

No.

63. Ever been in love?

I guess? I'm not sure I ever reached the "in love" level.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

We were on a summer camp and it was raining and we kissed while struggling to hold the umbrella straight.

65. Are you hungry right now?

Kinda.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

No.

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Facebook.

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr.

69. Are you watching tv right now?

No.

70. Names of your bestfriends?

You already know them.

71. Craving something? What?

Pizza.

72. What colour are your towels?

Uh, I have lots of them?

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

One.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Only if I'm feeling down/particularly cuddly.

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

Like 5 that I care about but 20 or more in total? My mom has also given away some of them.

75. Favourite animal?

I love cats but I'm allergic so I've learnt to like dogs more.

76. What colour is your underwear?

White.

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Vanilla.

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Mango.

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Green.

80. What colour pants?

White with polka dots.

81. Favourite tv show?

Either Sense8 or Narcos.

82. Favourite movie?

J'ai tue ma mere and Xenia.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean Girls.

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean Girls.

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

None.

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Confession time, I haven't actually seen Finding Nemo.

87. First person you talked to today?

You.

88. Last person you talked to today?

Also you. Might have to do with the fact that it's currently 2 AM.

89. Name a person you hate?

Donald Trump.

90. Name a person you love?

Lin-Manuel Miranda.

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Gabriela Firea.

92. In a fight with someone?

What?

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Idk, like 5 pairs?

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

So many.

95. Last movie you watched?

Carol I think.

96. Favourite actress?

Emma Watson, Maisie Williams or Tina Desai.

97. Favourite actor?

Andrew Scott, Sebastian Stan or Jude Law.

98. Do you tan a lot?

Nope.

99. Have any pets?

Yes, two dogs.

100. How are you feeling?

Tired.

101. Do you type fast?

People say I do?!

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Doesn't everyone?

103. Can you spell well?

Unless I'm tired.

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

A few people.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

I have but I'm not sure if it counts.

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Hopefully not, but I think I might have.

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Like twice.

108. What should you be doing?

Sleeping.

109. Is something irritating you right now?

I've offered to help someone with something and I'm starting to regret it.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Not romantically.

111. Do you have trust issues?

Question 23 much?

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

I'm not sure.

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Yumi.

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Many times.

115. Do you play the Wii?

I used to.

116. Are you listening to music right now?

No.

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

I don't mind it.

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Yes, it's great.

119. Favourite book?

The Picture of Dorian Gray, Crime and Punishment, The Brothers Karamazov, the Captive Prince trilogy as a whole.

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Way too much.

121. Are you mean?

I am sometimes.

122. Is cheating ever okay?

Not if you're not somehow being forced to stay in a relationship with your current partner. Actually forced, not "keeping up the appearances" forced.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

I can't even keep dark blue shoes clean sometimes.

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

No.

125. Do you believe in true love?

No.

126. Are you currently bored?

Nah, I'm having fun.

127. What makes you happy?

Zdob si Zdub.

128. Would you change your name?

I'd add my spouse's last name to mine if it sounded cool, other than that no.

129. What your zodiac sign?

Libra.

130. Do you like subway?

The fast food chain? It's alright.

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Now that would be quite the plot twist.

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Finish it. I am my father's daughter.

AND I AM MY FATHER'S SON. Finish it I must.

(There's more but I will end up pasting the whole song here if I keep going).

134. Can you count to one million?

I can barely count to 100 without getting distracted.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

Can't recall.

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed, what the fuck, do you want the demons to come in or what?

137. How tall are you?

175 cm.

138. Curly or Straight hair?

Mine or which one I like more? Mine's straight.

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Brunette.

140. Summer or Winter?

Summer.

141. Night or Day?

Day. The night is dark and full of terrors.

142. Favourite month?

October.

143. Are you a vegetarian?

No.

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Milk.

145. Tea or Coffee?

Coffee.

146. Was today a good day?

It was average.

147. Mars or Snickers?

Snickers.

148. What’s your favourite quote?

I don't think I have one.

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

I'm not sure.

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

"Another step back." I was too lazy to get up and opened a ebook though.

#fuck you too #jk i love you #hella long post #ask #sertyrell

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pandabearlikes · 7 years

Text

Temporary Affairs II

Table of Contents 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

a/n: make sure you read through entire chapter ;)

Chapter o6. Self-ie-conscious

The second day babysitting Youngwoo was a little better. He didn’t randomly cry or anything but you also barely picked him up out of fear that you’d hurt him. The fifth day he was all giggly and active, flailing his little limbs for you to cradle him, so you sucked in air and lifted him slowly into your embrace. He whimpered a bit at first, startling you. But you stayed still with him against your chest until gradually he hushed. By the second week, you thought that you were actually starting to get the hang of things as soon as you stopped freaking out.

You dusted your hands off after spreading baby powder all over Youngwoo’s diaper area to prevent him from getting any rashes. The little baby moved his arms around happily. Smiling, you patted his little cheeks and lifted him up to place him back into the comfort of his little cradle. And like a pro, you instantly pressed on the mobile. Soft melodies played in the background as the toy mobile spun above Youngwoo, causing him to giggle gleefully. Not only was Youngwoo happy, so were you because it gave you sufficient amount of time to clean up the mess on the changing station.

When you returned from the restroom, Youngwoo was already fast asleep. Giggling joyfully yourself, you plopped yourself down on the rocking chair for your much needed break. As you slowly drifted off to lalaland, a soft beep from your phone sounded. Sluggishly, you pulled the device out from your pocket to see who dared disturb your beauty sleep. As soon as the screen lit up, you narrowed your eyes. Someone had friended you on Facebook…and that someone was none other than Lee Sohee. You stared at the request. Was this a battle challenge? If I rejected then it may seem as if I’m scared of her. But if I accepted, then things might get ugly super fast. You bit your nail in debate, weighing the pros and cons.

“Nope, not gonna friend you, biotch,” you concluded out loud after five minutes.

While your fingers dwelled over the “ignore” button, Youngwoo’s thunderous cries frightened you, causing you to lose your grip over your phone. Grimacing, you leaned over to clumsily catch the device. Whew. But your eyes immediately widened at the screen. In the mist of saving your phone, you had hit “accept”. Omg. Crap. Crap. Crap. Not again…

Youngwoo’s sobs continued to grow. Priorities, _______ah! You tossed the electronic onto the cushioned rocking chair and leapt off to rescue the baby from whatever monster that traumatized him enough to cause such ruckus. And before you even reached the crib, you had already concluded from the tone of the cry that he was hungry. So you skillfully U-turned to the kitchen to grab a warm bottle of milk.

As soon as Youngwoo was full and burped, you placed him on the automatic cradle by the rocking chair to lull him back to sleep. Wiping the sweat from your forehead, you picked up the phone again and slouched back down into the heap of cushions and pillows. Okay, great. What now? This was the second time you accidentally lured Sohee into a catfight through Facebook. Should I unfriend her? No, that’d be stupid, by now she’d probably already gotten the email saying you accepted.

“Fine, you want to be friends? Let’s be friends then,” you concluded.

Broadening your shoulders and holding your chin abnormally up, you clicked on her profile. You know…since you added her anyway, might as well stalk her a bit. So she went to high school with Oppa…and college too? Did that mean they dated or at least knew each other for a while? You pouted a bit jealous that she knew Jongin for almost a decade longer than you did. But Oppa said they didn’t have an intimate relationship.

Just as you were about to look through her photo albums, the front door opened. Gasping, you instantaneously hid your phone behind your body to wait for the two men to show up. Jongin and Sehun were already chatting enthusiastically with one another before entering the baby’s room.

“Hey!” you greeted, as soon as they appeared at the doorway.

“Hey!” Sehun replied then squatted down to look at the now awaken Youngwoo in his little mini cradle.

Your husband extended his arms out and you knowingly jumped into his chest. He chuckled joyfully at your much more euphoric mood as compared to the first time you babysat Youngwoo.

“Did Young-ie cause a lot of trouble today, _______?” Sehun asked, picking his son up into his arms.

“Nope. He was a total sweetheart today!” you said truthfully.

In the car, you suggested to get some ice cream since the weather was so hot. As always, Jongin happily compiled to your sudden cravings. Midway to the ice cream parlor, a light bulb lit in your head. Internal evil cackle.

“Just order one, Oppa. We can share!” you excitedly proposed.

By the look on your husband’s face, you were sure he caught on that something was fishy. But he nodded and got out of the car to order the desert for you. Taking out your phone, you resumed stalking Sohee’s photos. Hmm…she did have a good sense of style…even in high school. You recalled your terrible walk-into-closet-and-pick-whatever-clothes-weren’t-in-the-laundry tactic you had back in high school and cringed.

A knock came from the car window and you looked up from your hobby to see Jongin had returned. Eep. You quickly exited out of the application and leaned over to unlock the door for him.

“Here you go, Jagiya,” he spoke, holding the strawberry ice cream cone in front of you.

But instead of taking it, you grabbed a tissue and gently wiped the sweat off of Jongin’s face.

“It must have been super hot waiting in line. Sorry, Oppa,” you apologized sincerely.

“Don’t worry about it,” he chuckled, holding the ice cream out for you again.

This time you took it.

“Oppa, let’s take a picture,” you suggested, holding out your phone.

With the ice cream in between the two of you, you directed for Jongin to lean in and lick the desert from one side while you did the same on the other. Satisfied with the positioning, you snapped the selfie.

“Here,” you shoved the ice cream to your husband. He looked at you amused but took it so that you could focus on your task of selecting the prettiest filters and bokeh for the couple picture. In between your contemplating whether to add a border or not, Jongin held the treat up to your lip so you could enjoy it before it completely melted. Without taking your attention from your phone, you stuck your tongue out and licked the ice cream. Jongin shook his head at your silliness.

Pleased with how the picture came out, you posted it on Facebook with the caption, “Ice cream kiss with hubby”. You finished your mischief by tagging your husband in the picture. Pftt…what do you think Lee Sohee?!?!

_________ _________ : 1 Lee Sohee: 0!!! Bwhahahahaahhaaha.

“What so funny, Babe?” Jongin asked, feeding you the rest of the ice cream.

“Ohh, nothing,” you replied but failed to hide your naughty grin.

Jongin pinched your nose but didn’t grill you further, grateful to witness your uplifted mood.

-----

For the next few days, you were obsessed with taking pictures of you and Jongin together. Whether you were simply eating dinner, or out on a date, or even just snuggling together, you snapped a selfie, added blinding effects and filters, and posted it up for Lee Sohee the world to see.

But for some reason, that one homecoming picture of Jongin and his ex engraved permanently in the back of your mind. So to counter it, you continued to indulge in your new hobby. You took pictures of Jongin in his office, in his car, watching television, sleeping, and even in the shower. Yes, in the shower.

Cackling naughtily, you turned the knob and barged into the bathroom.

“What is the world – “ Jongin asked, startled by your intrusion.

Throwing up some bunny ear fingers, you said, “Smile!”

Snap

Still giggling, you exited the restroom.

A few hours later as you were busy stuffing chips into your mouth and chatting over the phone with your best friend, Bang Minah, your husband came in looking a bit flustered.

“Jagiya, why did Kyungsoo-hyung send me a text saying that my buttcrack is on Facebook?” he asked, raising his brow.

The bag of chips fell from your hands.

“Hello? _______ah? Hello?” Minah said through the phone.

“I’ll call you back later,” you said and hung up.

Scrambling, you climbed over the bed to the computer to examine the pictures you posted. And there it was, an inch of your husband’s booty managed to show up in the shower picture without you knowing. No, no, no! Crap. You immediately clicked “delete”.

“No! No one in this world is allowed to see my hubby’s precious butt but me!” you said under your breath.

Beside you, your husband shook his head and gave you a light smooch on the cheek.

-----

Chairs flipped and tables screeched. You held your back, bending over to scoot the furniture even further. With a towel over his damp hair, Jongin walked in curiously.

“Babe, be careful!” your husband shouted, tossing the towel on the floor to support you before you fell over.

“Hehe,” you giggled but Jongin was not amused.

“What are you doing?” he asked, his arm still holding tightly against your waist.

“Um, just moving things around…” you beat around the bushes.

“For…”

“For pictures…” you finally admitted.

“For…” he continued to grill.

You squirmed in his arm and changed the subject, “Oppa, go dry your hair first then I’ll tell you”.

Waddling, you physically scooted him to the bathroom so he would leave you alone to remodel the room for your photo shoot. However, Jongin always had the ability to persuade you into ditching your plans to fool around with him.

Sitting on a chair, he stared up at you like a little puppy as you towel dried and wrung the water out of his hair for him. You tried your best to avoid eye contact but the little puppy kept tugging on your sleeve so you caved. His eyes glimmered back at you like shining stars. Gahh I’m gonna faint. Trying your best to hide you foolish grin, you shoved the towel back to Jongin and backed up to leave but he looped his arms around your belly. You giggled, wiggling in his grip as he continued to suffocate you with his little aegyo stunt. He pulled you by the neck so you puckered your lips awaiting a kiss but instead he shook his wet hair causing droplets to cover all over your face.

“Oppaaa,” you whined. He laughed, making up by pecking you all over your face.

You gave in and continued to dry his hair with a blow dryer. The whole time, he still continued to smile at you with that goofy grin of his and each time he did so, you’d melt a little on the inside.

Finally, after ten minutes, your husband released you back to your room to prepared your makeshift stage. Pushing all the furniture to the side, you hauled in bags and bags of curtains, laces, and fabrics. With a flick of the hand, the fabric unrolled in front of you like a Hollywood red carpet. As you tiptoed to hang the curtains, a wild Kim Jongin showed up at the door to offer help. And even though you wanted it to be a surprise, you gave in and invited him into the room again.

“Can I know what you’re doing now?” he asked, easily hanging the curtains up due to his taller physique.

You pouted childishly, rubbing you protruding tummy.

“I wanted it to be special,” you said bitterly.

“What’s ‘it’?” your hubby asked.

“Maternity photoshoot,” you finally admitted.

The earlier confusion on his face softened into a tender smile. He walked over, taking both your hands into his.

“It can still be special, even if it’s not a surprise. In fact, can I be part of it?” he asked.

Your eyes lit up and you questioned, “Really? You want to be in it?”

“Of course,” he sincerely replied.

“Okay,” you said, looking at the floor shyly.

So for the rest of the preparation, you got to comfortably sit on the rocking chair while Jongin setup the background, lights, and cameras.

The original gray curtains were replaced with beautiful lace and crystal ones that refracted light in all different directions. The floors were lined with tulle and silk, creating a Heavenly, cloud-like environment. You changed into a flowy white dress and flower crown while Jongin contrasted in a black dress shirt and white tie.

For the first half of the session, Jongin transformed into a professional photographer, directing you to stand in different spots. With your wispy hair framing your face, you turned at a perfect ¾ angle, with one hand over and one hand under your belly. Snap A succession of bright flashes of light captured the serene moment while Jongin continuously pressed the shutter button. When that was over, the handsome photographer sat down on the floor to admire his work of art.

Excitedly, you skipped over and joined him. He slipped his arm around your shoulders and happily handed the camera to you. Gasping in awe at his breathtaking photography skills, you swore you felt liquid begin to cloud your eyes.

“It’s so beautiful,” you unconsciously spoke.

“You’re so beautiful,” Jongin corrected.

You turned around with teary eyes and he automatically placed his lips on yours. His fingers stroked your hair, bringing you closer to him. And in that moment, you wished with every part of your body for time to stop forever. But his lips eventually separated from yours. You greedily leaned in for another quick peck. Oppa, I really love you. Please keep me around…even…if I’m not good enough.

“I will try to be good enough,” you said in an inaudible whisper as your forehead leaned against his.

“What did you say?” Jongin questioned but you shook your head.

Taking the camera from your hands, your husband pressed a few buttons and placed the camera onto the tripod before joining you by the windowsill for a couple shoot. Smiling shyly, you held his hand as it looped securely around your pregnant waist. Snap Several more shots followed with different themes and poses.

When Jongin went to fix something with the lights, you sat down to look through the gorgeous photos. Never in your life did you think you’d get the chance to have a maternity shoot, much less with such an attractive other half. Stopping on a picture of Jongin kissing your tummy, a teardrop fell onto the screen and you quickly wiped it away before your husband saw. You’re not sure why lately you’ve become so emotional. Perhaps, it was the preggo hormones…or maybe it was something else that had been bothering you for a while now…

Rubbing your tummy, you quietly asked, “Do you think Appa would keep me even if he realizes I’m not mature enough to be your mother?”

A light kicked answered and you blinked back tears.

“Jagiya, it’s fixed,” Jongin informed, motioning for you to go back to your position.

When you stood up, you finally realized your right leg was asleep when it buckled causing you to stumble forward. Immediately, your child’s father rushed forward to support you.

“Jagiya! I told you to be careful! You’re a mother now, you have to watch your steps or you’ll hurt our daughter,” Jongin scolded.

With teary eyes, you looked up at him. His angry expression instantly unstiffened.

“Sorry…” you apologized, biting your lip.

“No, Honey, I didn’t mean it that way,” he corrected.

“No, it’s fine,” you assured, feigning a smile.

Unwinding your hand from his, you slowly walked over to the window again. Your husband followed shortly after. And as you stared into his deep black eyes, you got your answer. So you held him a little closer, sniffing in his scent, and remembering the feeling of having his arms around you. Just in case…you think. Just in case. Jongin grinned widely, oblivious to the toxic thoughts that raided your mind.

As the skies grew dark, Jongin began to move the furniture back into position. Sitting on the edge of the bed with your legs swinging around like a little girl, you watched as the moonlight casted beautiful laced floral prints against Jongin’s face. Taking out your phone, you secretly snapped a few candid shots of him. You know…just in case.

Sniffing back tears, you requested, “Oppa, can we take one more with my phone?”

He stopped what he was doing, turned around, and nodded. Setting the timer on your phone, you placed it onto the tripod and dashed to rejoin Jongin. Midway, you slowed down, mentally cursing at yourself for forgetting to be careful once again. With your forehead against his and arms around his neck, the phone camera flashed brightly capturing the precious moment. And instead of posting it on Facebook like what your husband expected you to do, you changed it as your phone wallpaper so you could stare at it every time you missed this feeling…you know…just in case there wasn’t a next time…

a/n: Le sigh. The ending of this chapter gets me every time. There’s this melancholy feeling at the thought of a super bubbly person turning depressed as compared to an originally pessimistic person having these negative thoughts…it’s as if her wings got clipped off. ಥ ̯ ಥ

Are you guys ready for tomorrow’s chapter? It’s that chapter I cried my eyes out writing and actually had to decrease the angst/change the chapter at 4AM in the morning because it got too sad for my kokoro.

(╥﹏╥)

#kai scenario #kai scenarios #exo scenario #exo scenarios #kai fanfic #exo fanfic #kai fanfiction #exo fanfiction #exo angst #exo #kai #jongin #kim jongin #Temporary Affairs

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gemini75eeyore · 7 years

Text

CRAZY LOVE

Char: Jensen, Reader, Amber (AC), Rob mentioned

Warning: Foul Language which will be in pretty much every chapter; not intended for those not used it

Chapter 4

Jensen downloaded you and him singing 'Crazy Love' to his phone and then decided to listen to it. As he listens to the lyrics of you 2 singing...

I can hear her heartbeat from a thousand miles And the heavens open every time she smiles And I'm running to her That's where I belong I'm running to her like a river's song She give me love, love, love, love Crazy love

He starts thinking how much he really wants to talk to you. After the call with Amber, he now knows your name, what city and state you live in so he decides to try to google you. Not finding more precise info and not having more info to narrow the search, he sighs. Then it dawns on him that maybe you might be on social media sites. He starts searching on Twitter. He thinks he might have found you but he's not sure because you don't have any personal pics. He decided to follow the account he found and if he found out that it wasn't really you then he could stop following it. Then he tries Facebook. He thinks he found your FB account. The pics look like they might be a little older but he's pretty sure they're of you. You don't have a lot of pics on your FB profile. However, the ones on there have grabbed his attention and he is just sitting there staring at them almost mesmerized. He's looking at your lips and starts to imagine what it would be like to kiss them. Then he imagines his hands in your hair while he kisses your lips, slipping his tongue past them. Then pulling back gently biting your bottom lip while looking into your beautiful Y/E/C eyes and getting lost in your gaze. He can imagine being lost in them for hours. He gazes into your eyes for a few more minutes then decides to send you a friend request from his personal account. He hopes that you will accept his request not thinking that it's a hoax. He also sends you an IM request hoping that you'll respond.

It's been 5 days since you talked to Amber at Creations Entertainment on that really odd call and you haven't heard from anyone else. You're still binge watching "True Blood" in your free time. You prefer to stick 1 show at a time. While watching "True Blood", your FB messenger notifies you that you have a message and a friend request. When you see who it's from, you just stare at the screen thinking that there's no way in hell Jensen Ackles sent you a friend request. You sat there staring at the screen for probably 5 minutes trying to decide if you were going to accept them. You decided to click on the profile to see if you could tell from it if it really was him. It didn't have much on his friend's list of which were Jared and Gen, mainly fellow cast members previous and current, and very few none famous people. You decided to take the chance as you could always unfriend the account and block it if it turned out not him. And if it turned out to not be him then you would try to report it. You typed a simple "Hello, Jensen" in messenger after accepting the requests then you closed the IM window and FB not signing out so you would be notified of any messages. You decided to go back to watching "True Blood" and that's when Amber called. You saved the number in your phone just in case so when you saw it was her calling you paused your computer and answered the phone. Amber was pleasant to talk to. "Y/N, I talked to Rob and the guys and we decided it would be best for me to call since I've already spoken to you. I'm calling because of the duet you sang with Jensen, "Crazy Love" she said, and paused. "Yes," you said, and wondering why she was calling specifically about that. "First of all, I have to tell you that I was there. I heard you and Jensen singing. And I have to tell you that I couldn't believe my ears! I couldn't believe what I was hearing! Y/N your voice is the most beautiful voice I've heard in years! You and Jensen harmonized so well and especially for never meeting prior to stepping on that stage and singing together. Y/N it's like your voices were made for each other!" "Th-thank you," you stumbled to say. You knew that your voice was pretty good but you didn't think you were that great let alone to get that kind of praise from a complete stranger. Your family would praise your singing but they were family so it was harder to believe. "Y/N, the guys asked me to get in touch with you because we all want to hear you sing with Jensen again. We were thinking maybe at the Creation Convention next month in Pittsburgh, PA." Amber said hopefully "When is it? I don't know how much vacation time I have available. Plus getting there can be difficult. I drove over 1800 miles one way to the EWPopFest in Oct to see Jensen and Jared because I'm scared to fly." "It's Sept 8-10 and Creation will take care of your transportation, lodging, and food. No worries. We really want to hear you 2 sing together again. So what do you say? Please say yes!" Amber says excitedly hopeful "My only hang up is I need to see if I can get the time off. Can you give me a day to find out if I can get the time off?" you ask hopefully "I understand and will let the guys know. 1 more question." "Yes," you say with a slight questioning in your voice. "If you don't mind, Where do you work?" Amber asks. "Casey's kitchen, why?" you ask. "Oh, no reason." Amber asks then says, "I love Casey's Pizza! Do you make the pizza?" "Yep I sure do," You say with a smile and relieved that you didn't do anything wrong. "One more thing, Amber, do I call you back on this number or do you want to call me back in a couple days so I can let you know?" you ask. "You can call me and leave me a message if I don't answer. And, Y/N, I really hope you can make it! If you tell me you'll be there then I will be there too as I would like to meet you in person! Bye for now," Amber said with a pleasant excitement.

After you finished your call with Amber, you noticed that you had a message on IM and heart froze when you saw the name. It was Jensen Ackles. As you clicked it you took a deep breath and held it. You held it while you read the message. The message said "Hello Y/N, First I want to thank you for accepting my friend request as I know you may think that it could be anyone else claiming to be me. I hope to reassure that I am Jensen. I also decided to follow what I hope to be your Twitter account. And now I sound like a stalker, Son of Bitch!! {you released the breath you were holding and chuckled} I'm sorry Y/N. If you don't want to talk to me after this I understand. I wouldn't blame you but if you don't block me I would love to talk you. I got your name from talking to Amber with Creation Entertainment and God I know this is probably a little creepy but I decided to look you up on Facebook because I wanted to talk to you but everyone thought it was best that only Amber talk to you about singing with me. I am sorry if I upset you but I really just want to talk to you. If you're not ok with this please tell me now I won't message you anymore." Jensen... You had to admit it did creep you out a little but you've loved this man for years at a distance and then when you had the chance to sing with him and hug him you took it but never in a million years did you imagine that he would go out of his way to speak to you. However, you were also very excited at the thought of him wanting to talk to you. It kinda sounds like it could be Jensen and you couldn't begin to know how anyone would know about the call from Creation as you hadn't said anything to anyone at all so could this truly be Jensen reaching out to you to talk to you? You decide to message him back but keep it simple and feel him out to be sure. "Hi Jensen, I was surprised by you contacting me. How are you?" You kept it simple not trying too hard or coming off like some fangirl even though she was jumping up and down inside you right now. You closed the window as you had no idea how long it would be before he might reply and you didn't want to seem too eager either. You pulled up the window that had "True Blood" paused and started to watch it again. You only got to watch about 10 minutes of it before Jensen replied. You couldn't believe how quickly he replied. "Hey Y/N, I'm so happy you decided to talk to me and not block me! I'm fine by the way. How are you? Did Amber call you back to see if you can come sing with me again? I hope so! :) Jensen"

@just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms @crowleysplaythings @avasmommy224 @atc74@teamfreewill-imagine @bringmesomepie @deansdirtylittlesecretsblog @riversong-sam@impala-dreamer @impalaimagining@haseaufdrogen @dancingalone21 @hollygopossum @redhead95 @zoeb86 @hellkat2@catackles16 @frenchybell @frickfracklesackles @jalove-wecallhimdean@ruined-by-destiel @spn-fan-girl-173 @katnharper @ddubstepp1009@curliesallovertheplace @papizota @apacik @stray0cat @thing-you-do-with-that-thing@deansleather @littlegreenplasticsoldier @m5awesomesauce @cheezbot @moonstonrmystyk @donnaintx? @the-great-irene? @dorky-and-i-know-it? @nothin-after-79? @demonangelimpala? @thamiagiarraidhbriosgaid @emilydank @mrs-squirrel-chester

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radrachel · 6 years

Text

I need to talk some things out with myself for a second.

I just. He’s so much that I want. The intellect, the creativity, the appreciation for the arts, the availability, the physical affection, the thirst for adventure and treating ourselves, the stability, the endless encouragement, the left political stance, the humor, the impressive career, the extroversion, the great sex, I could go on. We have the same goals in lifeOn paper things line up perfectly.

But I can’t seem to let my guard down with him. I feel like I was rushed into my feelings against my will. When we fight I feel judged and small. When I ask for time to myself, there is suspicion and distrust towards me. Freedoms are slowly being manipulated away from me. “Delete that guy, don’t drink that beer, ask me to come over, invite me out with your friends, don’t get close to your coworkers, or else I’ll be hurt.” I don’t want to hurt him, I really don’t. But why am I making so many sacrifices if he can’t give me time to myself without a guilt trip? Why can’t I take my time to let my feelings develop naturally? This entire scenario gives me constant anxiety. The only time I feel good is when I’m with him, but I should feel good with him being metaphorically next to me even when he’s not physically. I cannot trust and let my guard down when it’s implied I can’t do anything right.

I miss him. And I’m lonely. Which may just be because it just ended I suppose. I wanted him here so badly last night. I just wanted to see his name light up my phone. He’s good at creating the illusion that he cares for me, and I eat it the fuck up. However my mind always goes back a few more steps. He told me over the weekend, in the midst of our extra long breakup, that he can’t come back to me unless I delete you off of Facebook. It sounds so petty, and I was appalled for a second. How dare he micromanage my friends? Especially when his are hidden so I have no idea what exes he has on there - which I wouldn’t care anyway! It’s 2018, it’s not uncommon for exes or people we’ve “talked to” or fucked with stay on our friends list. It doesn’t mean we talk or fuck around or even creep. But then I started thinking: maybe it does mean something? I’ve hovered my finger over the “unfriend” button so many times to cut off that last line to me...but I can’t? That sounds pathetically dramatic. But there does feel like a physical barrier to which I’m unable to cut off that last thread. Phone number deleted, blocked on all other social medias. It’s been months and months and I still find myself taking the long way home just to get the feeling for the split second that you’re within 50ft of me. It’s been months! We’ve talked maybe twice! You’re happy with someone else who is a better mom than I could be I’m sure! It’s absurd! Why am I still being crazy bitch! But I’m still attached. I have to leave that line open just in case you need me. For anything. For a drink. For a safe ride home. For me to come back.

God, it sounds awful when I say it. There’s NO REASON for me to still be so attached. So pathetic. You did nothing to cause this but be yourself. You were always so honest and straight forward unapologetically. There was no games or lies or attempt to move me in any direction. I was free but I was also safe. You went to war for me that December when you didn’t have to. There was a calmness about you I haven’t been able to replicate or replace. Maybe the feeling is what I miss the most. You were there without being overbearing. And I didn’t have to design the relationship, it just happened without either of our permissions.

I know there’s many reasons why it didn’t work out, and I still don’t blame you for any of them. You weren’t ready to be monogamous, having a substantially younger girlfriend is a stigma that’s hard to deal with and you don’t need that complication in your life, relationships are way more difficulty than fuckbuddy, I didn’t show many motherly traits I’m sure, maybe I was just too high-strung for you, or maybe you couldn’t get over my past. It’s okay, I get it. I also understand how hard it can be to let people in. And, fuck, maybe I wasn’t ready. I was still fucking with Adam until my assault. And I let another rep touch up on me until I was all warmed up then I went home and fucked the shit out of you. I was still flirting with others just for petty attention. But it’s been almost a year now since that undesirable behavior has had a natural stop. It wasn’t forced. Even after I left you I didn’t feel like chasing tail. Most men are fucking useless, and no one has ever fucked me like you did. Not even close. Even now that I’m single again, Adam and another old FWB have hit me up. I won’t go for it. I don’t crave it. I crave someone sitting behind me on the couch watching shitty TV. I crave holding hands through a museum. I crave someone rolling their eyes at yet another dad joke I’ve made. Something bigger and substantial. Maybe that’s what hurts the worst is that I’m so much more ready for that life than I was before. I’ve left that job, I make more money, I have different priorities, I’ve grown and learned and found answers. I can’t help my age but I know I want the life you have created for you and your son. You’ve even left such a mark on me that the way I keep my household mirrors yours. I love the clean, the organized, the minimal; I was always so impressed with that. You’ve created the checklist by which I hold my partner accountable. You are my goal. But you’re happy with your girl. I can’t ask for much more I suppose. She’s gorgeous and I hope she fulfills you in a way I never could. I hope she knows how incredibly lucky she is. It did break me down to see that picture pop up randomly right after I started seeing him. He held me because he’s sweet but how fucked up is that to hold someone while they’re crying over someone else? Jesus. That was more emotion than I ever showed him about himself lol. And that’s the thing. After I left you I was in the fetal position for about 3 days just ugly crying. I was paralyzed. But with him? I’ve cried a bit, I get choked up. But I’m surviving pretty well. I’m not sure if that’s me getting better at coping or it just wasn’t as much of a loss as it was for you. I guess it doesn’t matter. Chris is man #4 I’ve had to leave to save myself. And I’m incredibly disappointed. Again.

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recordofmyreverie · 7 years

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The AntiChrist to Me (October 2016)

Coming back from an epic, whirlwind romance with SW, I needed to find ways to distract myself to help the time pass faster before I could see him again. The night I got back home on September 28th, there was a concert held by Kishi Bashi at the Visulite theater. He had just released an album regarding the subject of his time away from his wife while he was on tour and how it made them drift apart. I felt like I had to see this show because of how I could relate to the somber, yet somehow giddy music. I wanted to experience the nostalgia of yesterday already so that it would bring me closer to the future, but it didn’t.

While I was at the show, I was texting SW the whole time. He was telling me to be safe, but also talking a lot about how he didn’t want to wait a month to see me again. He said the only way we could stay together was if I moved into the van with him and went to California too. It was something to think about, and actually something I considered doing for real, but there had to be so many sacrifices and only on my end.

I had to figure out a way to pay off all my debt and decrease my bills before jumping into an adventure like that. How was I going to get out of the van if I wanted to stop living in it eventually? How would I find a job with no permanent residence? Would he be willing to even drive me to my job if I had one? Would the car last that long? Could we really live together? I knew that we were compatible and had an extreme chemistry together, but was that enough to go by? We’d only really spent one real week together and we had to cram as much fantasy as we could into it because we had so little time. Was that a realistic expectation to think that it would always be like that? He’d disappeared and left me behind before, so what made me think he wasn’t going to do that while we were on the road? If I went, I might be stuck hitch-hiking in Mississippi for all I knew.

I told him that I’d do my best to find another job so that I could make money faster to pay off the debt, I downgraded my phone to one that costed $20 a month for a phone bill rather than $100, I cancelled my Adobe Cloud membership that was $50/month, and I cancelled my gym membership that was $20/month. I only had a month to do this, but I thought I was going to do whatever it took so that I wouldn’t lose him again.

I told him about what I was doing to get me closer to my goal, and it was never enough. He was stressing now because he claimed he’d spent $200 that he didn’t need to when I was visiting. He was charged an overdraft fee because of it, and then said that I was also the reason he was so behind on commissions and he needed money fast. He kept blaming me for everything going wrong.

I decided to go out one night with a friend for some saké after work. SW told me that I shouldn’t be wasting money on going out and having fun all the time either. He said I shouldn’t even be wasting my time talking to other people because he didn’t talk to other people and that I only needed him anyways because we were going to live our lives together. I wanted him, but I didn’t want to be limited to only talking to one person for the rest of my life.

He called me multiple times a day when I got home. He always needed to know where I was, but he wouldn’t say that we were in a relationship. Then he would say he loved me and needed me. I was so confused.

By the end of the first week of October, I was so depressed and stressed out because I knew that a month was coming up and I didn’t know how I would make that money in that time. I told him that maybe he should go to California by himself first and that I’d figure out a way to meet him there. I said it might be better if one of us stayed behind in case the other needed some rescuing. He said I sounded sad on the phone, and I said it was because I felt like he was going to disappear from my life again without a word any minute.

He claimed it wasn’t true, but I knew it would happen. I had a dream foretelling the event the night before. I told him about the dream and how we were walking together with a chord that linked us by the abdomen, how I was walking ahead, and he was behind me, and then all of a sudden, he yanked the chord and ran away. I looked down to see him running through the gaping hole in my body.

On the last day that we talked to each other, I told him that I would only come with him to California if he drove up to see me in Charlotte first. I said I would sell my car so that I didn’t have to worry about the car payment or insurance anymore, and so it would help pay for the small debt I had from a student loan. He said it was too out of his way and too much of a risk for him. He called me three times at dinner, and I didn’t answer. I thought “Wow. He can wait until I’m finished eating. I’ve waited long enough on him for years.”

Apparently he couldn’t wait.

I checked my phone once I was done eating dinner, and saw that he had texted “It’s an emergency,” so I called him back and he didn’t answer. I called him again two more times. Nothing. I texted him. Nothing.

Then I asked his mom and his sister over Facebook what the emergency was, and if he was okay. His mom laughed and said “LOL He’s just trying to get your attention. He’s a bit needy.”

A day passed and he still wasn’t talking to me. Then five. He untagged himself from all my pictures and unfriended me. Without saying a word.

I checked his Instagram, and then I saw that he had been posting multiple paintings and drawings of the same girl. I had been replaced within a week.

He couldn’t wait two minutes for me to answer the phone. Wouldn’t wait a month to see me. Wouldn’t drive to my home once when I’d driven to his twice. I was going to drive to him again a third time without even complaining. I was going to make his life so much easier on him by just being there. I didn’t understand how all my efforts and all my time spent on him could have been thrown away so easily. He could have had a happily ever after at my expense, and I would have let him.

I waited weeks for replies, months for phone calls, 4 years to meet him and another 9 months to see him again. Two minutes of silence was all it took for him to toss that all away.

I kept thinking that I was the victim in this situation. “How could he do this to me?” But I wasn’t. I was still responsible for what happened.

#twominutes #patience #october2016 #antichrist #ghosted #lifeblog #kishibashi

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