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transzilla · 2 months

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I love being t4t so fucking bad. Like it is because I fucking love trans people but, like, yeah it is also because I hate cis people. Like honestly I just jizz in my fucking pants when I reject a cis man. It is so fucking funny to me when cis men piss their pants and get mad when they find out I want nothing to do with them. Years ago that was you! That is cis people talking about how fucking disgusting and deplorable trans people are and how nobody could ever want you. Cis people get mad at trans rejection because they gave you a gift, and they're angry you're using it. Like how can you want to fuck so bad now? Not so bad for a snowflake faggot mutilating his body with hormones and pronouns, hahaha. You ever actually called somebody a straight white boy? You ever call somebody CIS? They flip their fucking shit!

There is nothing interesting, attractive or useful sexually about cis people to me. Especially men. People identified as their birth sex, who have only ever obeyed men and women in their lives to conform to the male gender. I don't even know if cisgenders even have genders, or just instructions. They don't identify as anything. They let other people do it for them.

My gender, my identity, something as simple as a pronoun has been fought for against my own family and all my friends and against threat of disownment and this adversity was horrible and destroyed me but gave me opportunity for growth. You don't grow in spite of adversity, you grow because of it! And cis people are just fucking stunted in that category.

The thing abt cis and trans people is that they both harbor transphobic beliefs, we all do, but I'm always gonna be prioritizing my people and that's trans people. Because that's my people. Like, yeah, actually it is different when I find trans men attractive for their bodies than when cis people do it. I accept proximity to lesbians and proximity to womanhood and proximity to my material reality, having a "female" body and I especially accept the transphobia and rejection and separation from cis men. Because truly it is better to be trans. Talking to cis people, like, dude, you still believe men are real. LMFAO. Like cis people fuck me in every aspect of my life but as soon as I lay down one boundary that you just cant fuck me physically ya'll flip your fucking shit. Like is getting fired and assaulted and shit not enough?

I do have relationships with cis people but through work, friendship, at an arm's length. Through conversations and drinking together and shit. Because I understand how cis people see trans people, deep down you think I'm less than you for my material reality. You think you're better than me. Even if you work on it. Even if you try to change that, you are always gonna be a little bit transphobic. I can accept your baggage on my front porch, not in my bedroom. Does that make sense?

#t4t #mad cus im more than my physical body and to you being a man is just having a dick?#id be mad too!

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anotherghoul666 · 1 year

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Dude! (I always use this word in a gender neutral way by the way, but if you dislike it still just let me know)

I got a question, cause I’m really unsure of your opinion on something. Either you like them and find them funny or you dislike/hate them, but I somehow got the feeling you know them.

What‘s your opinion on Steel Panther?

~owlish anon

Ooooh now we're just trading special interests back and forthhhh XD You hit me with that sweet owl knowledge, now it's my turn to hit you back with some metal history and Opinions hahahaha (I also use dude for everybody in a gender neutral way, you're good!)

Steel Motherfucking Panther dude. I have so much to say about these guys xD The tl;dr version of my answer is this: it's nuanced XD Because everything is with me hahaha. I loved Steel Panther in the early 2010s. I have had some of the wildest, completely unhinged, off the wall crazy VIP parties with those guys. Some of my most fun "hagning out with bands" memories. Plus they give one hell of a live show. They have a special place in my heart. That being said, I fell off of the SP wagon around 2015-2016, and it's not a band that I can see myself going back to or continuing to support in the future. I'm a very different person that I was over a decade ago, my values have changed, I'm not a party person anymore, and I just don't align with this kind of act or message anymore.

I shall now proceed to write an entire damn essay, as I do, to detail my journey with the band and explain my takes, if you're interested XD

Typically when I hear people hate on Steep Panther, the dislike stems from one of three things:

The music reason: people don't like them because they legitimately don't like 80s glam rock / glam metal. They don't like the sound, they don't like power ballads, etc. That's 100% a valid reason, it's musical taste, you gotta be into the 80s cheesiness to like SP because they dial that shit to the max. If you don't like bands like Motley Crew and Poison and Guns N' Roses, etc. you're just not gonna like SP, the music's the same.

The toxic masculinity reason: people (and by that I mean straight, white, cis men 99% of the time) think the band is "gay" (used as the derogatory term) and they can't get over their internalized issues. Insecure men see other men on stage, very secure men who are not afraid to wear glitter and barbie pink and makeup and nail polish and heels and spandex, and they feel threatened. They see the confidence the SP guys have, they don't see it in themselves, they hate themselves for it but because of cognitive dissonance they have no clue, so they spew hatred and insults and derogatory terms at the band. And it makes them loose their shit even more when they see women respond to the vulnerability and feminine side the SP guys display and be attracted to it. Glam rock in the 80s (and by extension SP today) are seen as "girl things" and vehemently shat on by cishet men the same way "girl media" like Twilight for example is. It's a desperate and quite pathetic attempt at covering up their insecurities and it stinks from miles away. 0% validity, unpack your shit, man, and go to therapy.

The "they're inappropriate / problematic" reason: people think Steel Panther are tacky or unfunny or they take the joke too far. SP are a parody band. They are a caricature, an exaggerated to the extreme version of 80s glam rock / glam metal bands and groupie culture. Whether you find the joke funny or not is entirely gonna depend on your sense of humor and what genre of humor you like. If you think sex jokes are gross and uncalled for, stay away from SP, that's the whole shtick. If you think penis jokes are funny, stay around because there will be a million more of those. It's a taste thing. 50/50 valid and invalid reason here, and I can see both sides. I myself have straddled the line of both of these sides throughout my life.

People get angry at SP because they say their lyrics and skits, on stage and in their videos, are misogynistic, abelist, racist, homophobic, fatphobic, etc. There is so stuff that people can accuse this band of, and they think the band members themselves are making fun of women and other marginalized communities. If you think that, that's alright and I respect that your feelings were hurt. But dude. You missed the joke. You didn't understand what the band is doing. SP themselves are not shitting on women. They are shitting on 80s glam rock and groupie culture. They are magnifying the issues that this culture had and putting them under a modern microscope and light. The point is to be shocking, because groupie culture was shocking. It's as much of a celebration of the music as it's a criticism of the over the top way of life of these bands, and humor is the vehicle for the lessons. If you think any exposure of these topics is dangerous, then sure, absolutely you'll hate the band. If you see the value of poking fun at the type of shit that went down in the 80s, then you'll love SP. It's a matter of sensibility I feel, and whether you're able as a listener to sit with your inner discomfort to find the joke and find value in the caricature / exposure of problems through humor, or if the discomfort is too strong and you wanna leave. Both reactions are ok.

Ghost does the exact same thing as Steel Panther, but they target the christian religion instead of tour bus sex orgies and cocaine. We've seen how wildly uncomfortable Ghost can make people with their easter jesus talk / the new video. Discourse has exploded and it's the exact same thing: there are those of us that get the joke, and those of us that take it too seriously. Anyone that takes Ghost seriously, just as anyone that takes Steel Panther seriously, is bound to get offended. That's the point. SP does not allow for indifference. They'll make you laugh to tears or they'll shock you and put you in an outrage, but either way you're gonna feel something about them.

Now, personally, I used to be in on the joke. I found them hilarious in 2010. I have also changed, my values have changed, my levels of tolerance for things being "just funny" versus things veering into problematic territory has changed. Am I down today for some of the language Steel Panther use in their songs? Nope. Are there songs from theirs I still adore and will unapologetically blast / sing to / drum to? Abso-fucking-lutely dude. Not all the songs have what I personally consider problematic content or language. But I wouldn't buy their albums anymore or buy merch or pay to go to their concerts. I'd go if they were in town and my mag sent me to cover the show, but I wouldn't support them monetarily anymore.

I was born in '91. I was just a bit too late to live through the '85-'88 hay day of glam metal, but I was steeped in the culture from when I was a baby. My dad's a rocker, his whole "old life" before my parents had me was touring with bands and importing music. He's lived through the creation of rock and prog in the 60s. He's been instrumental in importing international (and mostly British cause the UK scene was popping back then) prog and rock bands for the first time in the country in the 70s. He's played with bands throughout the 70s and 80s where he was the one having groupies crawling over him. That was his world. So I grew up on his stories and memories of the sexual liberation and living in communes, of flower power and Woodstock-like festivals, of the glam rock life. That was my ideal, that was my childhood dream, this world, and back then the social discourse was very very different from how it is today.

So when I discovered Steel Panther around 2010 (I think it was with the release of the first singles for the Balls Out album that came out the year after, with 17 Girls in a Row), that band sounded like it was 1987 but in 2010, all day every day. The sound, the look, the attitude, it was spot on. And of course it was played up for the joke, the lyrics and themes were crazy blown out of proportion, but I also felt like these raunchy lyrics in 2010 must've been how the relatively tame (to my ears) lyrics from Poison and Def Leppard etc. felt to people in the 80s. What shocks a population 2-3 decades apart won't be the same. I felt Steel Panther upped the absurdity and raunchiness of the themes to shock the modern crowd at a similar level. I thought it was brilliant.

I caught up with their previous album Feel the Steel from 2009, I liked it ok, some songs were great, some were meh. Nowadays I can see how Feel the Steel is by far the most problematic SP album in terms of content so it doesn't right with me so much anymore. I'm attached to tracks like Community Property because 2010 me (who still identified as a woman and monogamous at the time because I didn't know I hadthe right to be anything else) felt a deep, deep satisfaction singing about how "my cock is community property / my dick's a free spirit" for some reason (ha haha hahaha turned out the reason was probably because I was Not A Woman and also Not Monogamous XD In the end my cock is indeed somewhat community property today XD). I'm also attached to Death to All but Metal cause I basically learned how to double bass drum on that song, and the dig on early 2000s MTV culture is hella funny, but there are lines of lyrics in there dude, wheew. Nope. Anyway.

Balls Out in 2011 was one of my favorite albums of that year. Supersonic Sex Machine, 17 Girls in a Row, It Won't Suck Itself dude? That song FUCKS!!! People can say whatever they want about Chad Kroger and Nickelback, I also grew up on that band and I think they get unecessary hate. From then I was all in. Went to shows, hung out with them, VIP parties (I could talk for an hour about what a VIP with Steel Panther looks like, if you wanna but in another ask cause this one is Too Long already XD ), and so much hype for the next album.

2014's All you Can Eat blew me away, also one of my best albums of that year. Pussywhipped and its femdom vibes; Party like Tomorrow is the End of the World dude what a stellar single and video; Gloryhole is a catchy motherfuckewr; Gangbang at the Old Folks Home actually spreads the message that old people still have a sex life which is legit a good message; The Burden of Being Wonderful is the perfect stupid egotistical power ballad and I adore it, listennnn. Bangers across the board.

The true talent of these guys was was that, behind the stupid jokes, they were super talented musicians. Legit good musicians across the board, because to recreate a song from 2-3 decades ago this perfectly, to pinpoint guitar tone and amps and song writing structures and vocal techniques like a damn time machine? That takes so much talent. The guys joke around, but they don't play with their music quality.

2015 I did start to notice the band was getting stale. They didn't renew the jokes as much, they started to recycle songs and themes, I wondered where it was gonna go. Lower the Bar came out in 2017 and I was not about it. I found it very boring and, I don't have another word for it, stale. That's when I started to loose interest. Lexxi leaving in 2018 was kinda the nail in the coffin for me. He was a huge part of the band for me, a bit part of the balance of the band's energy especially on stage, and who they replaced him with just felt cheap and overplayed. Good on the guys for still doing their thing today, but past 2018 I have not touched Steel Panther and I have no clue what they're doing anymore. So to loop back around, today SP is not, as I said before, a band I'd spend money on nor keep listening to. But it doesn't negate the wonderful years and memories I have with there guys. I'm just not down for their message and vibe anymore. I learned, I evolved, I changed, the past still holds value, but I'm not doubling back to 2010 me anytime soon.

And that, my dear Owl, is my unecessarily long opinion about Steel Panther XD Thanks for asking, this was a fun blast from the past to revisit!

#asks #owlish anon

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awesome-cookies-and-cream · 3 years

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time for a history lesson kids

Iso anyway after 9 years of waiting (oh god) my dreams came true and hetalia finally has my country featured. And my first instinct is to draw a precolonial Philippines and then headcanon the shit out of it based on all my readings

i knew an Anthropology degree was gonna be useful someday

so anyway head canon history lesson time. gather round kids. I took this college program for a reason:

I feel like the recent Philippines would be born post 1565 after Miguel Lopez de Lagzpi. That boy must be a considered Mestizo ( mixed-race individuals, who were born from intermarriages of the Spaniards and merchants with the indigenous Filipino (Austronesian/Malay/Malayo-Polynesian) natives)

But let’s assume he is an Indio (who somehow lost all his tattoos?? oh well) then there’s an angsty and slightly badass headcanon that he actually killed absorbed all the other representatives from other tribes. they don’t die easily (unless harmed by economic struggles/or i guess hurt by fellow representatives) so it kinda explains the whole Bayani concept of undefeatable heroes. (we love our epics about heroes don’t we?)

That said! (our precolonial ancestors’ history is pretty badass tbh and very brutal. i wouldn’t put it past him to actually have killed all the other reps. We literally have a headhunting sport haha) let’s get on to the cultural aspects shall we?

I based most of this from the Boxer Codex’s illustrations which probably is centered around Visayas and Manila settlements for obvious reasons that they were found first. (they deteriorated first too :’) but since I’m from Visayas, the info i can give you are better off being in Visayas (also he has a tarsier lmao. mostly found in bohol. i hc him to be in Visayas. I’m sorry)

the obvious parts here are the tattoos which if you think looks kinda like the one in Moana, you’re right. it is (somewhat) we may also have descended from the same Austronesian ethnicity from Taiwan or China (most SEA countries did actually. there are many conflicting theories for this and most of you guys learned the Otley-Beyer’s wave migration theory WHICH IS WRONG PLEASE FORGET ABOUT THAT SHIT. IT’S VERY RACIST. something about calling negritos inferior because of the technology sits very wrong. throw that multi linear cultural evolution thoughts away and say fuck you to Morgan and Lewis and also say fuck you to DepEd for not changing it. anyway

the point is virgin Otley Beyer, chad Peter Bellwood. Listen to Austronesian Wave Migration theory (you’d find this evident in the way southeast asians to melanasia and pacific islanders share linguistic similarities. i can’t find that teletubbies salamat meme

but let’s talk about pre-col culture because I’m rambling now. everyone probably knows that tattoos are a symbol of social roles from your HEKASI lessons. they are the Pintados. It’s a sacred tradition where you earn them at every achievement. you start at your legs and trail up to your face. the ones on the chest that look like breastplates are awarded after you win a head from the head hunting (which yeah they think of the head as a holy place too so they eat it, thinking they’ll consume its holiness) the face tattoos are for the greatest warriors (and seeing he’s an immortal country, he would have face tattoos) different tribes have different patterns, but you usually either see snake patterns or sea patterns (thus the zigzag)

fun fact: cebuanos were very ruthless pirates haha. we are voyagers my dude. we devised long ranged boats way before sailing was a major thing. much like in moana. you can see traces of it in the traditional fishing boats with those braces on the side to keep balance. it’s cool. point is, water is a very large way of life. (i think you also earn a tattoo from sailing but I’m not sure)

the deep red dye is an honor given only to the bravest warriors. the longer your putong or headdress is,the braver you are. we also used gold like it was nothing. (magellan had to stop his crew from trading their stuff into gold haha) we used it everyday and even placed them in our teeth. (YES WE HAD DENTISTRY BACK THEN) our art and aesthetics believe in the pride of our bodies thus we decorate it, believing we are past primitive thoughts by modifying the human body. so we didn’t care about property, we cared about our appearance. we are also culturally expected to strut our new tattos and piercings with pride. speaking of piercings men and women were expected to pierce their ears and wear large ass earrings.

the precolonial cebuano is a showman (and we still are). you show off these accessories with finesse. you need to live the art. walk and make those golden bracelets jingle. so if you feel like being dramatic, that’s the spirit of your ancestors encouraging you to be dramatic hahaha

(funny enough the ye olden people thought the spanish were poor and backward for not ornamenting their bodies.only a monkey would have white teeth like that and undecorated skin! yeah love how we chismis like that way back then too)

one last side note. we wore cock rings/piercings too as status symbols okay bye

anyway I have more to talk about pre-col phippines. we haven’t touched gender roles (pre-col philippines would also be very chill about gayness and transwomen are even venerated into priestess positions. it’s all cool so pre-col philippines is definitely not cis haha and probably chill about not being straight yay indophil)

anyway yeah

#hetalia #hetalia world stars #hws asean #hws philippines #hws indophil #pre-colonial philippines #i really wrote this instead of my essay huh

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janiedean · 6 years

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Why is Kylo even considered abusive tho

...... hahaha. uhm. this is gonna be fun.

(ps: anyone who hates kylo or reylo pls skip this post okay? k.)

people have decided that any relationship (not even romantic, any) that’s like, even moderately problematic or not healthy or in between a villain and a hero is inherently abusive, because of course EVERYTHING is abusive now, and villains that aren’t, er, how we shall say, Approved By Tumblr Standards, are inherently horrible abusive people;

kylo is, sadly, technically a mix of All the things tumblr finds automatically problematic in someone, ie that he’s: a) white, b) a cis man, c) comes from a **privileged background** (let’s just say that for the sake of simplicity), d) has obvious anger issues, e) a villain, f) heterosexual as far as we know (or better: we don’t know he’s not, but you know that for people on tumblr when they hate someone and their sexuality isn’t specified straight becomes the default because obviously if u r evil then you have to be straight. ofc kylo could be bi for all we know, but never mind that, right?), g) not conventionally attractive (or, in tumblr lingo, UGLY, because of course everyone’s canon of beauty is the same!!), which means that given point one above, he’s of course abusive, not even a shred of doubt given. (of course if one or more of these fail to happen, tumblr does the contrary and excuses whatever the bad person does but I’ll shut up before I say things I’ll regret.)

which means that of course any rship he could have with rey is abusive when it’s fucking dumb because in order for a relationship to be abusive you actually have to know that person and be in a relationship of any kind with them - your parents can be abusive (but they’re your parents and you grew up with them), a friendship can be abusive (but then you have had to know this person and be friends with them), a romantic relationship can be (but you have to actually be in love with them or at least be together), and kylo and rey have no such relationship because they met, he captured her, they had their mind-force argument where he tried to get inside her head and she got into his (compare that with what happened with poe I mean XDDD) and then they fought and the next time they met each other it was through the force bond and then you can say they developed a relationship.... where she was the one pretty much taking the first step most of the time and where she saw that there was some good in him? I mean, there’s no bloody way any of that falls under abusive relationship. is it problematic? obviously it has problematic elements because any relationship you have with a dude or woman you fought with/tried to kill/is on your opposite side of the fence can’t not have problematic elements. is it 100% fluff unicorns and rainbows? no. but like, from that to say he’s abusive in general is ridiculous, at most he could be to hux but I mean kylo and hux are generally terrible to each other in turn and that relationship is your usual rival/hateship that’s been around since the beginning of times. at most it’s mutually toxic if you ask me, and anyway no one who ships either reylo or kylux goes around saying it’s The Purest Ship, or at least no one who’s not the usual bad apple that you find in any shipper group.

this also is a perfect mirror of how people on tumblr can’t distinguish what’s coded as abusive and what’s not, because if there is one relationship in the new trilogy that’s explicitly coded as abusive it’s.... snoke and kylo, and kylo is not the abusive part, he’s the abused part of it. I mean, tlj made it overtly clear and the point is that whether you like it or not this guy has been groomed/tormented/lied to by snoke (who is, uh, THE BONAFIDE BAD GUY I mean guys it’s star wars being the palpatine stand-in in the dark side part should say everything really) same as palpatine did to anakin and guess what kylo wants to be anakin/thinks that he’s honoring his grandfather’s footsteps it’s kind of heavily implied, and while obviously there’s no overt sexual subtext because it’s still a disney movie made for kids too I’m fairly sure it’s kind of very subtly implied and other people wrote about it more in-depth than me, but tldr: kylo’s issues (he’s unstable, he’s angry, he doesn’t really know what he wants, he’s volatile and blah blah blah) are all direct consequences of a) being heavily force sensitive, b) feeling like his family failed him (and luke AGREES because wow what did he do before they fought in tlj? apologize to him for failing him, and if you don’t think that han let him kill him also because he thought he failed him idk what movie you watched), c) being groomed and lied to by the evil bad guy of the situation for most of his life, which makes... him... an abuse victim.

of course, tumblr has a really unhealthy approach to how you get to be an abuse victim, which is a whole other wasp nest, but basically on this bloody website anyone who doesn’t meet the Good Victim Standard (ie: they fight against their abuser immediately, they do Good Things, they Show Clear Morals and it’s obvious that They Are Good Guys) is automatically Not A Good Victim and is therefore denied any basic empathy/decency, and anyone who tries to be nice to them or to help them out is there to help the villain’s storyline HOW BAD, OR, if the Bad Victim dares being a man, of course it’s all OH MY GOD CHARACTER X IS GETTING SACRIFICED ON THE ALTAR OF Y’S STORYLINE AND THEIR MANPAIN, because of course if you’re a man you can’t, like, suffer, without it being manpain and not, like, legitimate feelings. which means that poor kylo cannot win because even when the story is coded otherwise and rey helping him out/wanting to reach the good part of him/seeing him as ben solo/etc people don’t see it as, like, rey being a good person and regular character development (nvm that the entire point of the light side in SW is, like, forgiveness, but okay then), but as her character being sold off for the male’s development or whatever else they think it is. which is obviously not true, but the fact that you take a character who has being a decent person in their basic traits and think that in order to Be A Good Person they should want to murder their adversary who is most obviously coded as someone who needs help and has issues but not as the ultimate bad guy rather than, like, did what rey did in tlj ie trying to help them out, says more about whichever anti thinks such things (ie: nothing good) than about the sw writers or whatever. I mean, I unfollowed people for reblogging fanart where rey killed kylo and finn/poe were doing the cheerleading and not just because I don’t want that kinda toxicity but also because it’s absolutely OOC that finn, poe or rey would cheerlead each other over murdering anyone that’s not snoke or the likes -

ah, but wait, who killed snoke?

I mean, given that kylo killed the guy who abused him for years because he threatened to murder the one person who had taken the effort to be nice to him and see his side of the story I think that it’s fairly obvious that he’s not abusing anyone himself and that next movie he’s going back to the light side no question also because they’re not gonna kill the last character with direct skywalker lineage around.

but of course most people around here can’t see past their own preconceptions and don’t understand that if you want to care for mentally ill people/abuse victims you also have to give a fuck about the kylo rens and not just about the finns. let’s just put it out there, I care about finn more than I care about kylo and I’m light side trash so of course I’m into the character and I love that finn understood at once he couldn’t kill people and defected and I love the journey he had, but you can’t just support the people that immediately see the way out and do things the way Good People Are Supposed To Behave. because if you support the finns but ditch the kylo rens then you really will end up with horrible people, because if someone who has the potential to not be a terrible person is left to their own thing without anyone trying to help them out of course they’ll convince themselves they’re not worth it and the more time passes the worst they get. and you can’t go around parading that you care about victims/mentally ill people/abuse victims/whatever if you only think the good ones are worth it. it’s such a calvinist way of thinking that makes my skin crawl tbh but then again tumblr is puritan calvinism hell so what do we even expect.

tldr: because tumblr is calvinist af without knowing it and because people have decided to give up on text comprehension for the joy of being asses to anyone who actually enjoys fictional villains, characters who aren’t necessarily the heroes and the likes.

and before anyone decides to murder me for the above and thinks that I’m a ride or die kylo fan or whatever, I’ll close this saying that: in tfa I really couldn’t care less about kylo (really, I was 100% indifferent), my favorite new trilogy character is actually poe which I find way more interesting/relatable/whatever than i could find kylo, my main ship investment in the new trilogy is finn/poe and before tlj I couldn’t care less for reylo (after... well it’s obvious I’m shipping it, but I started when it turned out to have infinite h/c potential/redemption arc potential because that’s what appeals to me in ships, I don’t care for mutual rivalships/hateships or villain/hero ships just for that, I only am into it if there’s the whole potential h/c angle so I wasn’t into it from the get-go). but I’ve liked enough characters who had stuff in common with kylo to at least recognize the pattern and I’d be fairly not coherent if I stanned theon and hated kylo on principle. ah, and I don’t find kylo particularly attractive either (honest I’d take oscar or john over adam any moment if I had to pick based on attractiveness level to me), but I also don’t feel the need to shame poor adam driver over it, especially when I think it’s a very good thing that people find attractive a type that’s not very hollywood-common and that’s actually considered not pretty/beautiful by canonical standards, so I mean, who cares. but it’s a question of intellectual honestly. *shrug*

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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aprillikesthings · 6 years

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tipsy rambly thoughts on my sexual identity which you are free to ignore (and which go on for....a long time)

It shouldn’t be such an effort to remind myself to just relax because it doesn’t fucking matter what I call myself so goddamn much, I don’t have to decide anything. I’ve been out as bi at some level for literally twenty years or so, and that identity includes liking women. Nobody gave me shit for dating a bunch of dudes in a row. Nobody’s gonna give me shit for dating a bunch of women in a row, assuming that’s what happens.

At least probably nobody will give me shit. I only came out to my parents because I had My First Real Girlfriend at a time when I had to move back in with them when I was 25--in 2005. After her I basically started a streak of dudes--not intentionally--and so they’ve only known me to date men ever since. I worry that their acceptance of my bisexuality is because I mostly dated men after that. Guess we’ll find out.

(Speaking of which: gaaaah that means it’s been that long since I had sex with a (cis) woman and holy shit I hope I’m not awful at it. I literally bought a book about sex with women, which honestly has some advice on stuff I was worried about, yay (like ‘but how do I breathe while I’m down there’ lol))

One of my only real regrets about my 20′s is that I didn’t spend more time in intentionally queer spaces. There was this horrible feedback loop of “I’m not queer enough,” which meant I mostly dated men, which meant I didn’t feel queer enough....

The only non-straight women I knew for a long time were either middle-aged lesbians I wasn’t close to, or other bisexual women--I think literally every woman I had sex with was also bisexual. Which would have been fine.....if it wasn’t mostly women who hadn’t actually been with another woman. It was like the lesbian sheep post times ten. So much flirting. So little actual action. (Even with my one actual girlfriend, we only had sex like...once a month?? And we were dating all of five months!)

I have A Lot of Thoughts as to why bisexual women mostly date men--which I might write about at some point. One huge part of it, is that men are just easier. Straight dudes are everywhere, you don’t have to go looking for them (pfft they come after you), there are cultural scripts in place for dating them. Whereas women? If you wanna date women, usually, you have to be intentional about it.

Meanwhile lesbian culture is A Thing. Not only that, but it’s a thing that unintentionally excludes a shit-ton of people. And I don’t even mean that in a “ew you’ve touched a dick” kind of way, I mean that in--I didn’t finish college, I know exactly one Tegan and Sara song, I never listened to Sleater-Kinney; there’s just a whole bunch of cultural touchstones and rites of passage I was completely oblivious to. As a white woman into women who is my age and lives in Portland, I can’t shake the feeling that that makes me a huge outsider. I don’t really feel like I’m femme but I’m definitely not butch so I really don’t know. Some of this is projection, though, most likely; I’m just....nervous.

I just remember, the Saturday before Halloween, going with my friend to that lesbian event, and realizing “oh god gay women, so many gay women,” and how nervous and happy I was and how hot they all were.

I thought for years that I was more into men. Was I? I don’t know??? I had sex with men. I enjoyed it a great deal with some of them, and I know I desired them. But I was always attracted to men who weren’t quite the supposed ideal. They always had something about them that was different and a little.....not-masculine? not macho? But then--I was happily bisexual! Of course I’d be into dudes that weren’t stereotypical straight dudes!

It’s just so weird to me, to hang out or see men, and realize that while I do find some of them appealing, the idea of actually having sex with or dating any of them just leaves me totally cold.

But how much of that is just the recent political climate? Or even before that, seeing screenshots of asshole dudes on tinder, or knowing about the MRA groups on reddit? How much of it is knowing that a guy who might seem perfectly sweet on the surface might not see me as a real human being? How much of it is knowing that even guys who profess to be feminists have no idea what emotional labor is and will still leave me with most of the mental load and housekeeping duties?

I have a lot more sympathy for 2nd-wave feminists who decided to be lesbian for political reasons, that’s for sure.

I worried for years that I wasn’t really into women, because so many of the supposedly sexy images of women left me cold-to-lukewarm. Sometimes part of it would ping my desires and part of it wouldn’t and I couldn’t sort it out. And to some extent, I’m finding, it’s because I’m attracted to women who are heavier, and who were less likely to be portrayed as sexy in media. And part of it is that I’m attracted to women who (for lack of a better way of putting it) look kinda gay. Even the femme ones! I’d be hard-pressed to explain what makes a femme queer woman look different from a “girly” straight woman, and I wish I knew what it was so I could do that myself, but going to more stuff where most of the women are queer....there’s something, dammit. (Do I think Hayley Kiyoko looks kinda gay ‘cause I know she’s gay? Fuck if I know.)

But maybe I just like women more now? I don’t know.

And maybe my gay-dar is just getting better. (Hahaha was anyone else on OKCupid in the mid-00′s? You could test your gay-dar--they’d show you images uploaded by other users and ask you to guess their stated orientation--and at the time, mine was abysmal for women, but higher-than-average for men.)

I’m soooo envious of young queer women. I didn’t know any when I was younger--not any close to my age who were in actual relationships with other women. Earlier this year, a friend in her early 20′s who had a long-term girlfriend told me something like “holy shit I love fucking her, it’s so great, I know the joke is ‘how do lesbians know when to stop’ but sometimes like...we only stop because we’re both tired.” I was happy for her, but also I was so envious! And I see that all the time, on tumblr. Women having actual sex with women was a thing I knew happened when I was that age, but I hardly knew anyone my age who’d done it. It was this magical far-off fairy tale land that I might reach, someday....it was terrifying.

And I don’t know if I’m permanently more into women, or if it’s a temporary thing, or if it even matters. I feel like I’m faking it (or just jumping the gun) if I say I’m gay, but bisexual doesn’t feel right anymore either. I worry that women who are my age and gay aren’t gonna be into a woman who has no idea what she’s doing, god dammit.

All I know is, I’m terrified to get on OK Cupid or Tinder or Her or any of them just yet. But I also know that my wanking fantasies are all women, and my non-wanking fantasies are all women, and I feel like I’m gonna go bananas with how badly I just want, it’s like being a teenager again. (Speaking of which: I had the worst crush on this one friend of mine as a teenager, and I remember her spending the night at my house once, and hating myself because all I could think about was how badly I wanted to kiss her and touch her breasts--she turned out to be gay. I don’t think she was into me at the time so it doesn’t matter, but the irony has not escaped me.)

#personal #lol really personal

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abcdosaka · 5 years

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i was browsing the r/amiugly sub earlier today instead of doing work and honestly ppl who tend toward average/cute faces (especially dudes) seem to think they’re really ugly and honestly it sucks bc even if they aren’t conventionally attractive if they have a pic of them smiling or looking happy or idk playing the guitar or some shit they seem like really friendly and nice people. and its like dam these ppl were fucked up about their appearance enough to post on this reddit but its like they aren’t even ugly they look like they have cool ass hobbies and maybe a goofy mug but a friendly one all the same and i really hope its not just me but i prefer ppl who aren’t like supermodels but have a kinda down to earth face. prolly cuz hotties are out of my league hahaha

also a lot of the girls who post are really fuckin cute and i just hate how so many of them think that they’re ugly like.... I would never date an ugly girl. Why? (puts hat on) Because i don’t think they exist. and its especially rough if you aren’t like really skinny like no matter what ppl in the comments will be like “lose weight! :)” i just.....hello??? do you not find thick girls attractive?

there was this one post of a girl who, maybe did have a tumblr feminist look, but honestly she was friggin hot like she had angelina jolie features but every single dude in the comments i shit u not was tryin to roast her i felt so bad cuz all she prolly got out of that was an “i look way too quirky/tumblr feminist from 2013 :((” but NO! she was so cute!!!!!!!

and there was this gay dude who posted and he said in his post he had lip fillers/botox and hes a mua etc and i knew the comments were gonna be rougghhh so i didnt look and honestly a straight girl wouldnt find him attractive maybe but he looked like he really did not give a fuck about how other ppl perceived him like he was just like “i want it i GOT it” and that kinda confidence is just something to aspire to tbhhh

and overall this experience has really made me reconsider my obsession w/my appearance. ik i’d deffo get rated a 4 max (with potential maybe) bc im not feminine, don’t wear makeup, have shitty skin, have a fairly bulbous nose thats honestly too wide for my face but i looked in the mirror a couple times when i was browsing and i thought like “damn these people think they’re ugly but they’re all pretty datable, even the ones that don’t look all that put together” and like wow i really am just average. or even if im fairly ugly, if i saw a pic of myself online (as a diff person), truly enjoying my life or engrossed in a hobby or just fuckin chillin and looking like i actually love myself i’d think “wow she’s cute in a quirky way, i wanna be her friend and absorb those self love energies, her personality combined with her unique looks makes her p datable tbh”.

and i know myself. im really fuckin shallow sometimes. but i feel like i need to consider ppl as a whole more, not just looks wise which is OBVIOUS but like its just that everyone says that but nobody really does that except for those with their third eye most definitely awakened. and i guess a lot of lesbians that are totally out and gnc or butch are living their best life which makes me really happy tbh im glad im part of this community in particular and not another one bc of the lack of adherence to straight white cis beauty standards. or at least slightly less than regular society.

i feel like i go through this kinda self love/self hate cycle every once in a while but ive been feeling next to nothing about my appearance, only just slight feelings of “wow im not cute how tf am i gonna get a gf” but i know im not the only person who thinks like this, in fact a lot of ppl think like this, its just ppl with major brainrot that i wouldn’t even wanna be with that are shallow. and the ppl who post on amiugly tend to be like that tbh a lot of them are just power tripping from being able to influence ppls thoughts on their looks like “improve this” or “improve that” when really its not something that needs a lot of work... i see a lot of “wear makeup, smile more, you look like you put no effort into this” and weirdly enough “your hairs too long/boring” from guys like jesus

i have a lot to say about this but last thing is that its disappointing how many teens post on there, its like mostly teens-early 20s like ik its important to us to look good now but. Sighhh

god this post is long asf i wanted to write a short paragraph bc i had something else to say completely unrelated but actually i like writing a lot. maybe bc i haven’t talked to anybody in full blown convo outside my family and driving intructor for like a whilee but im going stir crazy a bit and i need to write something hahaha

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