#had to take a break from work and cry for 15min when i heard this

[suburbansuns]

me & my dog by boygenius (2018) // letter to an old poet by boygenius (2023)

#had to take a break from work and cry for 15min when i heard this #what a fucked up thing for them to do to me personally #i’m so grateful #truly tho i played me & my dog so often when i was in the depths of my ed and recovery has been hard but this made it worth it #me & my dog #letter to an old poet #boygenius #lucy dacus #julien baker #phoebe bridgers #the record #lyrics #a: phoebe bridgers #a: boygenius #a: lucy dacus

[massivelycreepypineapple]

Kick Butt While Falling In Love

Pairing: Surgeon!Jensen Ackles x Fem!Reader

Summary: Y/N is Dr. Ackles’ patient. They meet during her chemo sessions and become close friends and eventually more.

Requested by a lovely anon (I hope you enjoy this and found the plot alright!): Can you write more doctor Jensen Ackles? I can't think of any plot but Jensen as doctor is very attractive!❤️🙈

Warning: Sick reader, slightly angsty. pretty much it I guess. 

A/N: I tried not to make any mistakes. I hope this is alright. If I made any please do let me know. I apologise for that in advance!

Word Count: 1925

Masterlist

❅ ❅ ❅

If anybody told Y/N a year ago that the hospital would practically be her second home, she’d have sent them packing with a swift kick up their butt. She hated hospitals with a steady passion and she hated doctors even more. The very thought of going to a doctor for something as small as the flu was repulsive to her. So you can imagine her horror when she was forced to go weekly for her chemotherapy sessions. But things didn’t end there. It would seem that life had a way of messing with Y/N. Not only was she forced to go to the dreaded location once a week, but she was slowly looking forward to it. And the cherry on top came in the form of a certain green eyed surgeon.

When Y/N first found out that she had a cancerous tumour growing in her, she was, like anyone else, in great shock and pain. She didn’t have anyone in her life. She became an orphan at the age of 16 and foster care didn’t last long. She began to fend for herself as soon as she hit 18. She wasn’t in one place long enough to make friends either. So the thought of cancer did freak her out. She spent years learning to love her life and she didn’t want to lose that. But as the weeks went by she got used to the idea that this was her reality. And things got better when she met the man in charge of her life. 

Dr. Jensen Ackles was a gem in the world of stones and that’s putting it lightly. Anyone who interacted with him loved him and those who didn’t, well, let’s just say that they sucked as human beings. He was the most beautiful and considerate man she had ever known. And as time went on, he became her best friend. She didn’t really know how that happened considering that she didn’t have any decent ones. She had colleagues who were cordial to her and that was it. She couldn’t for the life of her fathom what possessed him to become her friend. He was her doctor and the relationship should’ve ended at that. But yet here they were best friends and at the brink of something more.

Y/N remembered the first time Jensen was there for her in ways no one else had. She had just started chemotherapy and it was royally kicking her ass. She already had a minor heart condition so there were risks of heart attacks and the like due to chemo. The drugs given to her took a toll on her big time and she often found herself with her head in the toilet, leading her to lose so much weight as well as her appetite. One particular day Y/N was suffering worse than usual and her chest was aching. She remembered that Jensen had given his personal phone number in case she needed a friend. She was light headed and in pain and she decided to just take a leap of faith and call him. 

-Flashback-

“Hi Y/N, is everything okay?” His deep voice came through the phone, immediately calming her a bit. 

“J-Jensen I-“ She started breathing heavily. 

“Y/N!! Where are you?” He asked frantically.

“H-home.” She managed to get out. She sounded breathless and weak. 

“I’ll be there in 15.” He said and cut the call. 

True to words, 15mins later Jensen showed up. She struggled to get to the door but managed to open it, but only to fall into his arms. He quickly picked her up and took her to the ambulance waiting outside. Y/N chuckled lightly at that. “S-so dramatic.” She said.

“You scared me, sweetheart. You didn’t sound good and I was clearly right to be scared.” He said trying to stay calm as he put her on the gurney and letting the paramedics fix her to the IV tubes. He rode with her back to the hospital and got her into the emergency room. 

-Flashback End-

After everything had calmed down and her condition was brought under control, Jensen stayed beside her the entire time. He did everything to keep her fever down, brought her decent food that was easy on her stomach. He replaced the IV when the drugs were getting low. He even spent the night with her. Since then there was always something developing between them. They became close and Jensen from then on was her best friend and the love of her life (only he didn’t know it yet). He even took on an active role in making sure her chemotherapy went smoothly. He rearranged his schedule around hers. He spent time with her figuring out which medicine worked best, and stayed up with her the nights she spent in the hospital.

That’s where Y/N found herself once more. She had just finished her session for the day. Jensen was in surgery so he couldn’t keep her company like he usually did. So she got through it by listening to music and flipping through a magazine. Just as she was about to leave she got light headed and collapsed. 

The nurses rushed to her and put her on a gurney trying to help her. She could barely make out what they were saying. She was in and out of consciousness. 

“She’s going into a cardiac arrest. She needs surgery now!” Said one of the doctors.

“We need to page Dr. Ackles!”

“He’s in surgery!”

“Fuck! Let’s take her into the OR and get her prepped. If he isn’t there yet, we need someone else immediately.” 

That was the last thing she heard before everything turned black. 

__________

Y/N woke up to an insistent beeping noise. She felt something heavy on her hand and she couldn’t move. She slowly blinked her eyes and saw someone resting their head on her bed. Jensen was still in his scrubs and his hair sticking out. He looked exhausted. She gently nudged his hand that was holding hers and he jerked awake. 

“Y/N!” He whispered. He quickly got up to check her vitals and began fussing over her. He brought her a cup of water and she gently took a few sips. She then finally looked at him properly and saw that his eyes were red. It looked like he had been crying. 

“Jay..” She whispered softly, her throat still sore. “What happened?”

“You had a heart attack, sweetheart.” 

“Oh… was it because of all the chemo?”

He nodded at that. “There was a blockage near the heart stopping the blood flow. We managed to get it out. You’re fine now, baby.” He caressed her cheek. 

“The last thing I heard was that you were in surgery.”

“Yeah I was, but I was almost done. He was fine and I only needed to close him up. The interns could manage that so I rushed to you. I don’t trust anyone else with your life, baby girl.” He said closing his eyes tight.

“I’m fine Jay. You came in time and I’m fine.” Y/N comforted him.

“Y-yeah” He whispered.

“Jay, what about the tumor?”

“The drugs are working. Chemo’s doing its job and the tumor has shrunk. But we couldn’t remove it just yet. You need another course of chemo before we go in and finish the job.”

Y/N started crying “I don’t want to, It’s too much! Please don’t make me!”

Jensen’s heart broke at that and his face fell. “Y/N...please do this. I know it’s painful and exhausting, honey. But I need you to do this. I need you to get better.”

“Why?! Why does it matter so much to you?” She cried.

“Because I fucking love you!” He said 

Y/N was shocked at that admission. She knew there was something there but she never in a billion years thought that he loved her like she loved him. 

“I love you so much, and I need you to get better so that we can make this work and maybe live happily ever after like those books you love!” He added.

She just stared dumbly at him. She didn’t know what to say. She was afraid that she'd break his heart. She was at risk and didn’t know if she'd make it.

Her silence broke his heart further. She could see he was regretting his words. So she quickly added, “I’m only going to hurt you, Jay. We don’t know if I’ll make it.” 

“You will make it, Y/N.”

“You can’t know that! You deserve someone normal. You deserve someone who is not on death’s bed. Someone who won’t remind you of work all the time. Caz that’s what I am, Jensen! I’m your patient and-” She was interrupted with his lips. 

“I know you feel the same, sweetheart. You’re not just my patient. You’re the love of my life. I don’t stay up for any of my patients but you. I don’t do house calls and I sure as hell don’t give them my personal number.” He said with determination in his eyes. 

Y/N looked at him wide eyed. She dared hoped that things would work out. She wanted it so badly. She reached out, despite the pain she was in and pulled him down for a fierce kiss. 

“I love you too, so damn much” She said looking into his eyes. 

He grinned at her and kissed her one last time before tucking her into the blankets. “Rest some, baby. We’ll figure this out ok?” 

“Stay.. don’t go.” 

“I have to check on the other guy, Y/N.” He said looking sadly at her. To which she nodded in understanding. “I’ll be here when you wake up. I promise. I’m taking some time off to be with you.” 

“You don’t have to..”

“Shh. I want to” he said which made her smile so cutely at him. 

But she became serious again, scrunching her eyebrows. “Jay...are you sure it’s going to be okay? I don’t want to die.” Y/N said with a small voice. Jensen felt his heart clench at that. He held her face in his large palms.

“Baby, you’re not going to die ok? Not if I have anything to say about it. You’re going to kick this tumour’s butt and then we’ll run off into the sunset together like a cheesy couple.”

She laughed a little at that. “Okay, I like that plan.” 

“Y/N…”

“Yeah?”

“I know it’s very early but move in with me. Please?”

“Yes.” 

Jensen kissed her hard and then said, “WHEN you survive this, I’m going to marry you. Don’t want to waste any time.”

“I’d like nothing more, baby” grinned Y/N with tears in her eyes. 

Jensen kissed her on the forehead and turned to leave to check on the other patient. 

Y/N fell asleep with a huge smile on her face. For the first time in forever she felt like everything was going to be okay. For the first time in her life she felt like she had a family even if it was just Jensen for now. Maybe they’ll make their own family. A big one too. Did she wish she had met him in better circumstances? No. This entire journey made her who she is. She’d go through it all again because the person she is today is the person who Dr. Jensen Ackles fell in love with. And she wouldn’t have it any other way. 

❅ ❅ ❅

TAGS BELOW

@hobby27 @akshi8278

#jensen ackles #jensen ackles fanfiction #jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles x y/n #jensen ackles x sick!reader #jensen ackles one shot #supernatural x reader #spn x reader #reader insert #female reader #jensen x reader #surgeon!jensen #spn rpf #jensen x you

[raleigh-ocean]

what it is, what it’s not

5. “Please talk to me.”

requested: @peachesandlesbians

n/a: welcome to the angst joyride, please buckle your seatbelts. Here is when Oceanable AU (RaleighxWilhemina) become the canon and GoodeOceanDay start to be the AU. I wanted to do this for a long time and I took advantage of Kate’s request for it (i’m sorry Kate!!) but hey, we’ll have more about the not nice part of GoodeOceanDay, which I find rather interesting.

send me a prompt and I’ll write you a something!

well, let’s get this started

because it has pretty heavy stuff

it all started like a normal day, to be completely honest with you all, like as normal as it can get in a facility where a good handful of witches lived and attended lessons

everyone was busy for the morning with lectures, writing papers, practicing stuff, you name it

for Raleigh, it was sleeping, because it was one of those days in which she just got tired out after days without having a blink of it and she literally passed out in Mina’s room late that night before knowing

peacefully sleeping in her favourite sweatpants and sweatshirt she was when, all of a sudden, the door slammed open with an unnatural force that made her instinct jump, ready to take over whatever might came in

but when she saw that it was Mina, her gesture filled with pure rage and her eyes full of not spilled tears, her very own soul fell to the floor and made her stand up as fast as she could to be by her side

“Wilhemina, what happened? are you okay?” being pretty vocal about her worry, Raleigh tried to see what Mina was doing in the wardrobe, starting to pull out her clothes while gripping her cane really hard “what are you doing?”

“i’m done with your brilliant Cordelia, i’m done with whatever childish shit is going on, so i’m going to fucking ask you one only thing,” Wilhemina didn’t even turn around and when Raleigh tried to touch her, she just slapped away her hands and made her recoil. “I had enough of this come and go, so right now you are gonna tell me if you are toying with me, until your Deli and your Mimi decide they want you, or if you truly love me.”

not only how she slapped her hands away, but how she told her that, made Raleigh feel whatever warmth she felt before slipping through every crack of her already too damaged shell, feeling the static in her ears and the cold freezing her lungs 

she took too long to reply for Wilhemina’s like and it was then when the tears finally rolled down her cheeks, breaking every tiny bit of cellophane she has been patching her heart and soul with

“get the fuck out of here, now” was the only thing she said, pointing at the door with her hand

Raleigh didn’t have time to use her own powers to suppress Wilhemina’s Concilium but fuck that she fought against it, it took her three whole minutes to make it out of the room and once she was in the hallway, she dropped to her knees, coughing like crazy and feeling blood coming out of her nose from fighting against it

when the fit of coughs ended, Raleigh knocked at the door several times without answer, she even begged to get in

but it was all pointless

and where she felt cold, suddenly, a fire ignited so furiously and big that she felt her head start boiling at mere thought of what she was going to do, and made her start walking downstairs with only one goal in mind

talk with Cordelia

which was looking outside of her office’s window, her head beating to the rhythm of her own heart, shocked about what she had done not more than 15min ago

but at the same time, somehow, she feels like she did the ‘right thing’, at least when it comes with what she’s feeling at the moment because she’s putting herself above anyone else for once

(and this is so fucked up, taking in count that she stomped all over what others were trying to build without caring a single fuck)

Cordelia knew that Raleigh was in her way because she could heard Misty trying to stop her outside of the office and it feels like her mother is laughing at the back of her head, telling her that in the end she wasn’t that different from her

Misty got by Cordelia’s side as soon as Raleigh made her way into the room, closing the door behind her with such strength that it made the few frames in that wall to tremble

“Cordelia, what the fuck did you do,” it came out from Ray’s chest as a snarl more than a question. “And don’t fucking lie to me because I won’t take any bullshit anymore”

which make quite the view taking in count that Ray still has a bit of blood coming out of her nose and she looks just fresh out of the bed

and Cordelia just...repeat everything she had say to Wilhemina, word for word, with a very anxious Misty by her side

everything that wasn’t the truth, that wasn’t what Raleigh was in that moment

that they were waiting for the right moment to get Raleigh back, that they were the ones that could make her happy in the end, that Wilhemina was just merely an affair that will go wrong once Raleigh started to show her true persona and that she wasn’t going to stay much because she would probably go away eventually again. Cordelia told Wilhemina that she wasn’t ready to rebuild the mess that the latina witch was, that she was going to get hurt soon because Raleigh only knew how to heal by their side

which every word, Ray only got more and more pale, more and more sick and the silence came right after Cordelia finished her broken speech between what she thought it was the truth and stuff from the past

Silences with Raleigh were uneasy, were like seeing the thunder in the distance but not knowing how hard it would sound, were like knowing you’ll draw blood eventually if you kept biting your fingers but not trying to even stop

and that wore heavy on the Supreme, so painfully heavy that she couldn’t bear it anymore and just put her hands over her desk in a way to get her attention

“Please, talk to me,” Cordelia mere whisper made Ray look at her with clear eyes, those of someone that had come to a resolution

because in those minutes in which the silence made itself present in the office, Raleigh saw her own truth before her eyes

what was really was from the bottom of her aching broken soul and heart

that since she came back to the Academy, she put herself through whatever they asked her for, trying to gain their approval and their trust again; that she didn’t complain about how most often than not they treat her as if she wasn’t able to make her own decisions; that she just wanted to move on from their shitty ass past of mistakes and hurt and they seemed to hold every single thing about that all still over her head; that she was trying to get better at everything and none of them two were doing shit; that again none actually search for her

but Wilhemina was there, showing her what it was to actually feel to be cared, and showing her how to grow out of her old shell

“Talk to you,” another whisper that started to grow to become a full scream “The only thing I want is never see you again! Do you realize for second what have you done?” it makes Cordelia to stand up with the desk between them as a some kind of barrier. “You always get to be happy, you always get to move on, but when I tried to on my own terms you just can’t wrap your head around it,” for once the emotions are pretty easy to read in Raleigh’s usual tired expression. “I’m my own person, one that you still think is eighteen and need to be babied or something, but twenty years have passed Cordelia, twenty fucking years and I’ve never been more awake than now.”

Raleigh’s voice is filled with pain and raw anger that make Cordelia feel the static from the woman’s magic tickling over the skin that isn’t covered with clothes

“So this is what I’ll do, and if you want to kick me out of the Coven just go ahead, because i don’t care anymore: I’m going to move out of the house,” the statement fell like a heavy stone over Cordelia’s stomach. “into the new one with Wilhemina, I’m going to keep working with you out of respect for you, but when it comes to my life the line’s drawn. I’m out of this, I’m out and right now I’m so done with everything that I’m really tempted to walk away and then you’ll never see me again for sure.” a big knife went through Cordelia’s heart. “I don’t even want an apology, because I know that I also made mistakes and probably deserve this; but you owe one to Wilhemina.”

Taking a good look to the couple and then, one of the windows exploded in shards of crystal when a lightning bolt hit it.

“At the end you are just proving that you still have some of Fiona and Myrtle’s roots in you.”

The last thing Raleigh heard was Misty yelling at her to take that back, but it didn’t matter for her anymore because now she was dissolving in her head every single thing that linked her to both her past lovers

she didn’t even need her power to do that, because she just started to let go

When she reached Wilhemina’s room again, after dismissing Queenie and Madison (both genuinely worried about the other woman) from there, she just barely knocked and wait with her forehead pressed against the wood

“I’d break every single window in this house if it proves you that I love you with all that I have,” she tried to joke, her voice wavering and again with the tired tone she always carried nowadays. “I’d break myself if necessary if it means you look at me again...just please, open so I can tell you that I’ve chosen you above anything else.”

Raleigh could feel Mina’s magic moving in the room, could feel her sobbing softly while moving around, but she waited.

A minute first.

Then five.

Then ten.

And when the painful twentieth came around the corner, the door opened.

“What did you just say?”

it only made Raleigh chuckled low, from somewhere within her persona that was trying to not cry, and looked at how Mina was trying to not show her the absolute mess that she was right now, red puffy eyes and tired face trying to be pushed under the strong one that was Wilhemina Venable.

“That I’ll endebt myself if that means you don’t punch me in the face and give me the most little kiss ever,” it was easy to fit a joke to make her love smile. “but the important part is...that I love you Wilhemina, I love you and I’ll do it until the day you don’t want me by your side anymore...and even after that, probably,” Raleigh’s hazel eyes locked with Mina’s and she could see them with the usual cloud that covered them. “And fuck Cordelia, fuck everything, because your happiness...our happiness comes before anyone else to me.”

well, it wasn’t a kiss what Raleigh got, actually Mina slapped her very hard but she quickly put her hand in Ray’s slapped cheek right after that...but it wasn’t a punch, hey!

“you are so stupidly selfless, so stupidly idiotic,” Mina started to say as fresh tears got to her. “that I don’t know how do I love you so much.”

the expectation only made Raleigh sighed deeply but in relief, reaching with her hand to put a lock of Mina’s hair behind her ear. It wasn’t the first time getting slapped anyway, it didn’t hurt much, she could handle it.

“as soon as the house is ready, we are moving there,” Raleigh put her hand over Mina’s and place it better so her thumb was right over the ugly scar there, the only place was forbidden at that point for everyone, so Mina could see she was being totally serious about this. “so...mind sharing the master room with this mess that you love so much?”

Wilhemina didn’t matter after that about anything else, even when Cordelia apologized to her a few days later she didn’t make a whole show, because she just had to look at her side to see the woman she loved and loved her back to understand that she was finally getting her chance to be happy.

and that, yeah, they probably were a fucking mess

but they were a fucking hot one

one that was walking towards the right path for once

and one that, after a week of preparations, was crossing the doorframe of the house that would see them get that happiness they were thriving with the years to come

(with Madison and Queenie at tail, feeling that maybe they finally found their place to belong to among the Coven that gave and took a lot from them in the past years)

#cordelia goode x original character x misty day #raleigh ocean #american horror story #wilhemina venable x original character #ahs coven #ahs apocalypse

[iraniq]

Back up plan

Note: Real life characters used, but with second 1st names, so I will present a legend:  

Ezra Matthew Miller

Thomas William Hiddleston

Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch

Paul /no 2nd first name/ Bettany

*

-       Come on, we are late...

-       We are not!

-       Matthew!

He stopped and tilted his head. His baby curls bounced.

-       That's not my name!

-       What's with you and second names? - I asked innocently.

-       What's with you and second names! - he mocked with more annoyed tone.

-       I like it.

-       Ezra! Ez-ra! Say it.

-       Ezra...

-       OK... Not in this way, we are in a crowd, and I am going to work.

I laughed.

-       Will William and Timothy be there?

-       You mean Tom and Ben? - he walked in front of me faster, yelling.

-       That's what I said. - I whined in protest.

-       How about Paul? - he stopped and looked at me.

-       What about him...

-       His name?

-       He doesn't have one... - I whined.

-       Ha!

-       Shut it Miller! What play you siad you were gonna rehersal today?

-       Ugh... - he growl - You forgot already...

-       No... I am just bad with names....

He loked at me raising a brow. I smiled and tried to wink but failed.

-       I told you, you can't wink.

-       It works...

-       Sometimes, and only with the left eye. - he fake mocked me and laughed.

We arrived at the theater. It was one of the last rehearsals for the play they were gonna perform this Friday. We entered. The security knew him and they just nod to each otehr, we were in a hurry because we were kinda late. When the security looked at me he raised his hand holding mine and dragged me in. When we entered the big hall room they had already started.

-       Sit there - he pointed me the 4th row. - The view there is the best.

The writers looked at us and frowned their faces.

-       Ezra... - I squeezed his hand and pull him closer to me. - They are here, I rolled my eyes in the directon of the play writers - I can't stay, what they will say...

-       They won't say anything - he pet my head - Over the rate Paul's sons, chill... - he looked at my hand squeezing his - Can you let me go now?

-       Sorry - I whispered and let my grip on his forearm.

He ran and literally jumped on the stage and I sat several seats in the 4th row.

He positioned himself on the left side of Paul. He had forgotten his script, Paul gave him half if his.

-       I know it, it's OK.

-       You better take it - one of the writers said. He sounded rather serious, I got anxious - lately me and Ezra spend more and more time together, I was worried my presence might bother his work. My hands were shaking and I was on the edge of crying. - If I had a girlfriend that pretty, I'd probably forgot my name too! – he leaned and whispered to the other - Girls at my time weren't that's pretty... - although it was a whisper the whole hall geared him.

My head rang... Everyone were laughing. I felt my face on fire. Ezra was blushing too. I saw Paul pushing him playfully. I also heard boys giggling somewhere behind me.

They eventually proceed with the rehearsal. It was some 18 century or something. It was a straight play, with a hint of romance and drama. Paul was the husband, Ezra was one of the lovers of the wife, Tom was the other one and Ben was the the tailor, who knew about everything and blackmailed her. The actress who played the unfortunate Mrs pretend hold her big dress in one of the parts when she was dancing with Ezra. It was pretty.

At one of the other scenes where she was charming Ezra's character after several year they were apart, he kinda forgot his words and was cutely blinking, it was sprinter for him to forget, she laughed at him, it was so cute I giggled as well.... Horrible move, because all turned to me.

-       Girl's giggle is always a good omen. - Paul said.

They took 20min break. Ezra came to me.

-       I am so sorry... It slipped.

-       What do you mean? - he hugged me. - I brough you here to test if the play was funny.

-       Ezra... - I rolled my eyes - You know I laugh at everything.

-       True! How do you like my character?

-       Well... I say I'd tap that... Unfortunately looks like I have to be married to unlock this option. - I heared William laughing next to me.

-       Not exactly necessarily - the woman said, bumping her shoulder into mine, then she ran to Paul and  jump to hug him.

-       Looks like she took her role for real.

-       Well...  Probably because she is his wife for real.

-       Oh... Oooh... Mathew... Quality timeig with the wife of your mentor... Shame on you... - I yelled and slapped him, like she did in one of the acts.

-       Seriously now? - he pulled me closer to him no whispered in my ear - I have seen your tumblr, so don't you dare lecture me on morals. – we both giggled.

-       Get a room! - Paul yelled at us.

-       Don't bother the kids. - Timothy said and ruffled Ezra's hair. - Plase convince him to keep the hair. Mine used to be like this, but I made the huge mistake of cutting it short.

-       Guilty! - William stopped next to us, raising his hand and covering his face with his other one.

-       I refuse to live in a world where pretty boys cut their hair! - I said dramatically and fake fainted.

-       Bravo! - the woman clapped at me and laughed.

-       Paul too... - Ezra whispered.

-       What... - I looked at Paul, hugging his wife, like they were both 13. - Him... Curly...

-       And so wrongly blond... - Timothy added.

-       No.... - I covered my mouth with my hand, mimicking the vibes of the time in the play.

-       Yes... Ben has photographic proof.

-       I need to see it.

-       Get me... The money form the doctor, and we will talk. - he said in character.

-       Deal! - I did a little bow so as him.

-       You managed! - Ezra squealed.

-       Well I now manage to do a lot of stuff with you attached to me.

I headed someone coughing behind me, when I turned around I saw 2 tall boys - one dark haired the other blond, then it hit me these were Paul's kids and what I said probably... No definitely came out wrong.

-       That's not what I meant... - now everybody laughed. - I am sorry if you thought like this.

-       Of course we don't - Paul said, his wife was trying to silence her hysterically laughter.

-       You are horrible... - I pointed at him with one free hand, while petting the baby curls with the other. - He is horrible! - I said while turning to face Ezra.

-       Tell me about it! - Matthew said shaking his head in dessaproval. - Tom can confirm.

-       Yes! - he put his hand on his heart. -  I give you my word as a Marquis!

I decided to leave for the rest of the rehearsal, otherwise I feared it won't be interesting enough.

This week I met Ezra once, we went to spa. People were looking oddly at us - we were in the Jacuzzi, I was in the edge, he was in my lap, so today - in front of me, I was massaging his head, the baby curls were wet and we're even curlier. It's not that we were doing anything inappropriate... Maybe his pleasures sounds, from me massaging him were giving the wrong vibe... Who cares.

It was finally Friday!

I put on a black lace dress, as matching to their play time gap as possible. I was on the 4th row, next to Paul's and Timothy's families. I believe the pretty girl on my left was William's girlfriend, but not sure.

The play was amazing! Half the play Ezra was blinking in awe puppy in love, the public definitely loved him. Later when he was the already with a a name lower I bet half the girls were in love! He was more serious, but the baby curls made him irresistible. Paul's doctor, I am sure made several women and young ladies consider the idea of faking a faint through the cocktail. William's Marquis definitely striked, I heared someone wissling on him several times, it was ride and inappropriate, but I am sure it sums up the idea of the theater. Timothy definitely made all the women hot and in need of new dresses... And clothes in general. The spot light Madame on the other hand, made all the men considering cheating on their wives. The lady on my left blushed several times. British man William was born with manners and it was a mesmerizing to watch.

There were wild applause after. People stand and applaused, 15min. I saw Ezra tear up, this was his 2nd big theater production, this time was one of the kinda leading roles, the last time he was like 15min of 2 hours, now he was missing only 30min of 2 hours and a little bit. It was a huge win for him. The rest were already famous  names in theater performances.

The cocktail was in the lobby of the theater. Everyone were super excited, from the play, several people took pictures with the actors, the writers, the producers... Kids get pictures with theirs fathers, pretending they don't know them and fangirled around them. I got several fancy pictures with Ezra, in the spirit of the performance, they were all in costumes still. Since Jenn, Paul's wife, was out of role and with present day clothes, the British club asked me to pose with them.

-       No way... This shit will go viral. - I protested.

-       Come on!... It will be glorious! - Ezra hugged me and waggle with me. - I will tell people this is so my girlfriend there. - he whispered in my ear is this tone of his.

-       Ugh... Matthew!

-       You can't say no...

-       My default option is ‘yes’, not being able to say 'no'! There is completely no need for you to inssist.

-       I do it only for your baby curls.

-       Yes! - he loudly kissed my cheek.

I was positioned between Paul and Benedict. One was hugging me and I had placed my hand on the knee of the other. Tomas was hehind us, and Ezra was kneeling in front of me. The picture turned amazing. I managed not to giggle or blush to death. Although my mind was constantly attached to their pretty hands. I bet Ezra will tease me till I am alive for this.

We got changed for the club party. Only cast and crew members and several close friends and families. Ezra put one of his favorite 3 buttons in general shirts, the other English gentelamans were with pants and elbow rolled up shirts...

I was wearing a leather pants and lace top, and leather jacket, with my bike boots. The others went with their cars, I had picked my motorcycle for us. Since Ezra loves rides. There was a crowd of people in front the club, I doubt they knew who we were, but wanted to go in, since there was something in.

Suddenly Ezra pulled me closer, hiding.

-       What is it?

-       My ex! Where? – he gently pointed out while pretend fixed his hair.

-       That’s why I am here, right?

-       Don’t say it like that … it sounds ugly, I love you and also you are my amazing back up plan. – he whispered and masked it with kissing my cheek.

-       Ok, let me!

I took his hand in mine and walked. I felt a hand on me. I looked at my left. There was a man, taller then me,  sharp face and green eyes, short hair, a little bit slicked on a side.

-       Yes... - he was visibly surprised, by the fact I was a girl. Ezra tired to pull my hand but I didn't turned back. -  I know I am lovely! But we are busy now!

The man spoke.

-       I...

-       Sorry, darling, I am taken! - I rise my hand, holding Ezra's.

The man frowned.

-       Ahm ... - Ezra came closer. - He is looking at me.

-       Oh, of course he is, you are exquisite! But unfortunately... He is also taken! - I again raised our holding hands in the man's face. – Bye! – I sassed away.

We walked in the club.

-       That was nice... - Ezra said.

-       Yes... You definitely deserve an Oscar for this performance! So do I! – I sassed again. - I am sooo impressed! - I said holding his face in my hands, squeezing his cheeks and poking his nose.

-       Well I am sick of him... what a jerk!

-       Obviously we had a bad pick at boyfriends... - I beeped his nose.

The English gangs walked by us. We both stared dreamy nd followed.

-       OK... I have to ask, but answer honestly. - he took me to the reserved spot and we sat the little couches.

-       Ok... - I held his hands in mine.

-       If... If you were to choose... Like Madame... Which one is going to be?

-       Am...  - I looked at the men - Which one of them... Like I just pick one...

-       Yes! - he said with a devilish smile.

-       Noooo... – I fake cried.

-       Yes! Pick one. Only one... Must be...

-       Damn you... Miller... - he mimmiced my giggle. - Miller...

-       Yes, I am aware... You want me to hate this one too?

-       I choose you! You will be the husband, I will go with them as lovers? OK!

He pretend to be in a deep inner debate on this one... He stayed like this for a while.

-       OK, I agee. But only if I am in.

-       Pfff... Matthew... When did I do something without you!

He kissed me.

-       I hope this lipstick doesn't leave a mark.

-       Nope...

He laughed. We got up to dance.

-       I have one last win over you!

-       Really?

-       Yes, you’d meet him when he comes! And you will sooo loose the 2nd first name game! – Matthew laughed, a rude laughter.

-       What makes you think I will lose?

-       Jude will tell you when you meet! – he “flipped” the curls and we proceed jumping around on the melody of the song.

 *

Hint: David Jude Heyworth Law – he uses his 2nd first name as 1st first name.

__________________

@diyunho @rhina988 @nikkitasevoli @sougie @lovermrjokerr  @marsmad @lylabell2013 @elliegrace139 @darthjokerisyourfather @pandaliciouz @brightlightsfanfiction @misscalamiity

#ezra miller #tom hiddleston #Benedict Cumberbatch #paul bettany #my writing

[asociallyawkwardteen]

Scared || Yang Jeongin (I.N) FF || Pt. 1

>Pt.1< | Pt.2 | Pt.3 | Pt.4 (soon)

Pairing: Reader x Jeongin (I.N)

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Warning: Mention of Social Anxiety, Social Isolation and Depression, so please if you get easily triggered by the mentioned things stop reading here.

Disclaimer: English is not my first Language so please don’t mind my bad  grammar ^^’

Our little story actually started a while ago, to be more exact you were around 5 or 6 years old back then.

You and your mom had a little weekend ritual, every Saturday you two would go out to the little park not far from your Apartment, and so you did this Saturday too, and as always you begged your mom to take at least one toy with you.

And since you did that a couple of times before it wasn’t really hard for you to convince her. “okay but you have to take care of it, if it breaks or you loose it, you won’t get a new one”

You nodded our little head in excitement and rushed to your room, a few moments later you came back with your little blue plastic ball which was nearly bigger than your head.

You mom smiled as she saw your hand wrapped around it. “so the ball it is?”

She only earned a nod from you again.

Soon after you headed to the Park, it was a pretty little park with 2 swings, 1 normal slide, a little “castle” as how the kids called it and a big area in which you and your mom decided to stay.

You two stared to play a bit with the ball, nothing big only throwing it to each other and catching it.

About 15min in your game you mom excused her to sit down on the bench not far from you, “Don’t worry I will always have a eye on you my little princess~”

You smiled at her and started to think of a game you could play alone, not because there weren’t any kids around - well there weren’t much- but thee main reason was that you were shy, you didn’t now how you should approach then and you somehow didn’t want to either.

Due to you being a single child you learned how to entertain yourself pretty soon and you always got new ideas so you didn’t get bored at all.

Soon you got an idea and started to throw the ball in the air trying it hold t up as long as possible, at some point you somehow managed to throw it really far so you started running, eyes glued to the blue ball and arms raised up to catch it once it got down, you obviously didn’t watch where you were running, believing that there won’t be any other kids around.

But little did you know there were and soon enough you bumped into someones back.

The kid was ready to scream at you because he thought it was one of his friends slowly turned around “He-”

You looked at the boy with big eyes, scared because of him raising his voice at you. you couldn’t stand when people screamed at you so you slowly looked to the ground.

“ 미안 해요” (Mianhaeyo.../ I’m Sorry) you whispered barely noticeable and slightly bowed not daring to look up at the probably angry looking boy.

The boy just looked at you not knowing what he should do now but this actually would change soon.

You totally forgot about your ball already so you really didn’t expect it, when it come crashing down and hitting you on the head.

With a little “ow” you fell back in the grass, eyes closed and one hand on your head where the ball just hit it.

The boy in front of you widened his eyes as he saw the ball hitting your small doll like head.

He looked at you worried only thinking ‘Please don’t start crying’. And you didn’t somehow it didn’t hurt much but you still were in shock.

“A..are you okay..?” you heard a sweet voice in front of you.

You slowly opened your eyes, blinking a few times to get a clear view. You only looked at him not sure what to say/do.He slowly extended his hand, attempting to help you up.Gladly you accepted his offer and he pulled you back up on your feet. You rubbed your head, frowning a bit.

“Does it hurt?” He asked still looking at you

You just shook your head, i mean it did but you didn’t want to look like a crybaby.

“Are you sure” he asked again.

“yes” you quietly answered, looked at you a little bit surprised since he thought he would only earn another nod.

He started to look around, and leaving soon after, your eyes followed him a little bit confused but once you saw that he just left to get your ball you had to smile a little.

He rushed back to you handing you the ball.

“Thanks, sorry for running into you...”

“Don’t mind that anymore, okay?”

“Jeongin!” you heard a female voice shout, instantly the boy in front of you turned is head.

“I have to go now..” and with that being said he left you standing there. You figured that it was also time to head back to your mum, and a few moments later you were already on you way home.

You didn’t tell your mum what happened because she only would be worried. Still your mind was circling around the boy you met today, he somehow had a energy to him that made you curious but sadly you probably won’t be seeing him ever again.

But what you didn’t know was that the boy was just as fascinated from you as you were from him. So on his way home he started to bombard his mother with questions.

Jeongin: “Mommy? can i ask you something?”

His mom chuckled, “Sure you can you don’t need to ask that” she answered still smiling at her son’s behavior.

Jeongin: “I saw a girl today, she was playing all by herself, it seemed like she didn’t have friends... do you know her?”

The boy’s mom thought for a moment, “I may not know her but a friend’s friend told me that she told her that her daughter is very shy around people so every time they go to the park she rather plays by herself then with other kids.

Jeongin looked around while carefully listening to his mothers words.

he whispers: “she must feel lonely...”

his mom continued talking “apparently even in Kindergarten she is very likely to be alone, but why are you asking about her?”

“oh, I was just curious since I never saw her here before”

“Well that might be because we normally don’t come here on Saturdays, my friend told me that Saturday was the only day her friend can spent time with her daughter due to her busy work schedule”

The boy only nodded and stayed silent the rest of their way, his mind still busy thinking about you.

~lil time skip~

A week has passed and you finally went to the park again today you dragged a badminton set with you, the bat barely even fitting in you small hands but luckily your mom got a smaller and a lighter one just for you.

As always you played together with your mom for the first 15 - 20 minutes, and once she left you started to play alone again, you tried to hold badminton ball (I honestly have no idea how you call that thing, if anyone know that please tell me!) up in the air as long as possible.

You couldn’t hold it up longer than 2 or 3 times, but when you finally held it up for at least 5 hits something/someone surprised you.

“Y/N?”

You froze for a second and just watched the ball (still no idea how its called) fall to the ground, kinda sad that that person had the attitude to interrupt you playing, oh yeah right someone called out your name but wait nobody knew you name here except you mom.

You frowned and slowly turned around to see who the person, but once you say him you only got more confused.

Jeongin, the boy from last week  stood in front of you his hand behind his back

You probably looked hella confused because he had to chuckle a bit at y´the face you were making.

Now both of you stood there not really knowing what to do next, you because you were really confused how he knew your name and what he wanted, and he because he actually didn’t think that he would get this far.

He finally got his voice back, “Hey, can I play with you”

You somehow didn’t really need company but you didn’t want to be rude either so you just nodded.

“But you have to take to heavy one” you said barely hear able, yet he heard it.   “It’s to heavy for me” you added even more quiet

He just smiled and took the other bat and you started playing.

And that was basically the beginning of your first ever friendship.

~As the years go by~

You and Jeongin became best friends, well probably more, he is like your real brother you both even got your braces only a few weeks apart from each other (not planing it tho)

Jeongin was like the only person you trusted and so far to only one you didn’t make your regret letting in your life.

You were shy ever since so that definitely didn’t change through out your life, which made it even harder to make friends but you were okay with that.

Throughout, elementary and middle school you were fine with that, you didn’t even really realize it, and people kept telling you that it is normal to be shy, and that they were shy too but now they made it t something and all that.

But it was the last year of middle school when it hit you, you had a fight with your best girl friend and you didn’t speak to each other, you realized that you were completely alone, all the other people in you class went to her and had a good time during the breaks n which you only set in your class at your table, eating you sandwich, all by yourself.

You fell deep back then, deep in a bad state of mind you never thought you could get into because until now your life was fine.

You found out a lot about yourself during that time, and suddenly everything was clear, but also a little to late.

All the times you were on these class trips and your bff wanted to drag you to play truth or dare with the others, you denied, you didn’t want to and you somehow had no idea how to do it either. I mean sure you knew how to play truth or dare duuh but something was off.

You now knew how you mental state was and at was eyeopening, yet you didn’t tell anybody, not you bff not you mom and definitely not Jeongin. And honestly it was because you were so embarrassed to tell other people, which probably would only think that you were not appreciating you good life.

And because of that you learned how to hide and cover up all that was going on in you mind, you kept being the quiet girl in class not talking unless you really had to. And once middle school was over you felt relived, so got damn relived to finally never see all those people again, all those people that without even realizing it ruined you, you were ready to finally open up a new chapter. Which would be better than this one, or at least you imagined it that way.

~ ~ ~

Well so I guess this is the end of the first part of this little FF.

If anyone even read that crap please tell me what you think about it!

I will try to bring out the next part within the next week I guess idk I am slow at writing so yeah.

Anyways hope you have a good day/night and if not, tomorrow's gonna be better!~

~J☯

#stray kids #yang jeongin #stray kids jeongin #jeongin stray kids #jeongin fanfic #anxitey #scared #kpop #kpop fanfiction #stay

[lalunangel]

“My little Harleen”

A shout into the void of what you used to call me. The subtle names you shunned me with. The nitpicking exists throughout my skin. “My little Harleen” rings through my ears sometimes. You thought I was crazy. You’ve always thought I was crazy. Everyone.. Thinks I’m crazy. But I don’t feel crazy. I don’t even come off as crazy to people who just meet me. Its when I talk about my life experiences and I shake that you notice I’m a little out of my mind. I’m a little overused. Ready to call it the end and peacefully keep it that way. I know I was almost induced and you were around but I never told you. They said the next time I went in and I wasn’t progressing positively they would put me away for a while to get better isolated help. I tell my doctor that my depression is still bad but I feel mostly human. On my paperwork it reads “Moderate to severe depression” and severe is highlighted. My anxiety isn’t labeled at all because she things my anxious feelings stem from the Bipolar disorder I have. It’s an acute problem that she said has metastasized over the course of these two years. A victim of PTSD and she said it shows a lot more now when she sees me. She touches me and presses her cold hands to my back to hear how my breathing is for checkups and I shake but not because it’s cold. I shake because she came close to me.

I’m not crazy. I told her in middle school and high school I had an eating disorder but finally broke myself away from that and can eat and have gained weight.. but when I went back I lost over 85lbs. Within a two month period. I didn’t read the thing either. I just heard the nurse run off and tell my doctor. I know my doctor cares. She cares about me a lot. She knows that I can’t go back to counseling because I’m not okay. I’m getting worse and I can’t afford to be taken away from my life. She tells me every time too. “Join a club” or “Get a boyfriend you can talk to about these things” sometimes “Write a book and publish it on the way you feel right now” and honestly. I don’t feel... but I over feel all at the same time. I can’t sleep and I can’t eat and I hardly want to bathe but I do it because i know what will happen to me. I’m not crazy because I can’t deal with what I went through. My old counselor cried because of hearing about how sad my life was and it’s not sad it’s just depressing to know that I didn’t have to. My mother just didn’t love me. My counselor did background research on my mom. She told me about her neglect charges. What year. She would ask me if I remembered the dates. “Domestic violence” “Lost child” “abuse” “neglect” my mom was awful... and I really didn’t like coming clean and saying “Yeah I was 8 then and I remember it like it was yesterday because IT STILL SCARES ME!” She printed off the paper work for me. Gave it to me to look over.. and I cried. None of them had my name just “Child” and I just smiled and said “better than my real name”. My mommy issues aren’t just mommy issues. I have family issues.

I have cousins that raped me

I have a abusive and alcoholic father

My mother was neglectful, abusive, has charges of abandonment multiple times on her record for just leaving. A drug addic.

I have grandparents that didn’t care and still don’t

I raised my sister and everyone else takes credit for MY HARD WORK.

Of course I’m afraid still. Of course I still shake when things are mentioned of course... I’m a little crazy.

My dad used to say this stupid thing I think he stole from a movie “I was crazy once, rubber rats in rubber rooms.” And hed say it while shaking me bc I’d laugh and call him crazy. It stuck with me when I started my visitation with my old counselor. When she said that “Sometimes the things around us don’t effect us until we’re already crazy” and all I had to say was that stupid line I stole from my dad.. and I bit my finger after because I realized... only crazy people say stupid things to someone like that.

I would draw the joker and Harley Quinn but I didn’t like them romantically I could just get behind the level of nuts they were and my dad loved it. He’d make me draw scary clowns and I thought it was useless until I felt like I was rather good at it... until I started making up stories about them. Until I realized I liked doing it. I’ve never felt crazy until that year he died and my life spiraled before me and I watched it set ablaze and just smiled through it all or cried blankly. I’m normally squeamish when I see dead animals on the road but after that and car rides happened I’d see them and just look away without covering my eyes and cryin. I didn’t die with my dad. But I stopped caring so much about where I was going. I didn’t take showers. I didn’t eat. I didn’t really talk. I just watched movies in my dark room. Awake everyday and only napping for 15mins a day. Listening to people talk but knowing that they never said anything important and ignoring them. I had gone off a deep end I didn’t know I could reach. I thought peek suicidal level was freshman year when my mom ditched me for drugs and even now.. I feel like nothing my mom did to me was as bad as my boyfriend breaking up with me. I didn’t really think too much of it at first and when I explained how I felt about everything all I could say was “Empty but I have you”. There’s nothing romantic about the only light in your life being someone temporary. After he dumped me while I was at my worst.. I only got much worse. I should’ve been put away. But my grandma didn’t let it happen.. and all I did was die day after long endless days.. I didn’t even feel. I just worked and existed. I got drugs to keep me mellow and calm. My medications were more like a prolonged pause button than anything that actually helped. I was a zombie. Music had no sound. Food no flavor. Colors no history.. life no meaning. I’d just cry. And cry... and cry... I didn’t even get to go through my whole “It’s over bitches”phase and be excited for being set free. I just cried. He called me his Harleen... and I realize now. That it’s a fucking insult. He didn’t call me Harleen when Harley Quinn became popular, he had been calling me Harleen since we were 13. I HAVE BEEN CRAZY FOR SO LONG! I don’t do distructive behavior now. I just motivate myself into doing something new and distracting. I don’t listen to the same music. I like indie and folk so much more than I like anything just because it’s soft and keeps my heartbeat the same rhythm the whole time.. anything else pumps my blood and makes me heated.. not lit. I still try though because I just think it’s an adjustment period of my life. Sometimes I wonder if I’m more than my trauma. I can openly make jokes about what I’ve been through but when I reflect on it outside of my own head... people look at me like they want to rip off parts of their youth to replace mine.

But this was mostly written because I’m angry at the insults thrown my way because I’m not okay. I shouldn’t be degraded... just because I’m slightly not okay. I’m not crazy. And even if I was...I haven’t done anything that says “put her away” I’m functional and normal and it’s hard. I’m sorry to past me for never realizing that he treated us like garbage for years.. and we must let it go like it wasn’t a problem.



#im a person #personal

[julesnohner]

My first NYFW

~This is gonna be long~

I signed with Nova management in November and I was able to fly out to New York to work and walk in fashion week for the very first time! I traveled alone and stayed for exactly three weeks. Instead of renting a room/bed in a model-apartment, I stayed with my aunt and uncle who live in Mineola, NY which is an hour and a half train ride away from the city. 

My experience was amazing, I absolutely love New York and can see myself moving there within the next few years. My trip did start off a little bit rocky having to navigate two airports and figure out a three hour train ride while carrying a backpack and HUGE suitcase. I got used to the train system and subway system very quickly and became familiar with Manhattan within the first week. I had a meeting with my agent and fellow models right away along with some new digis (short for digitals a.k.a “headshots” and full body pictures to show clients what my body currently looks like). I also had my first fashion week casting that same day. Then, I had a full two empty days where I hadn't heard anything from my agent. I was getting really worried thinking that I wasn’t going to be that successful and that the trip could be a waste of money. I know that might sound dramatic but being alone in a new city with nothing to do, it’s easy to get discouraged. Needless to say I did cry when I faceted my mom which is actually super normal when us models are away from home. But then I started getting casting, and A LOT of them, I didn't have a break until the three weeks were over.

I typically had 3-5 castings every day. These castings had certain windows of time that we had to get to them by and I always tried to get there AT LEAST 15min early. There could be multiple castings at the same time, there could be hours of downtime in between them, some of them take less than 5min and others take up to an hour. I think I had a total of 30 documented castings in my google calendar and even more that I had to get to on the spot! 

Getting homework done was a challenge. Being out and about running around the cities almost all day/every day, it was hard to find time. Carrying my laptop around wasn’t exactly an option either. But I did what I could and everything turned out fine.

I ended up getting three shows, one of which I closed (a big honor, I’m very thankful). The first one was actually outside on the JFK airport runway itself! It was so cool, but, absolutely freezing. The minimal clothing, open wind, and rain in 40 degree weather was definitely not enjoyable. But once I stepped out onto the runway, the cold went away and I only felt focus and happiness. My other two shows were just as amazing, the crowds of people in attendance along was unbelievable. There were lines formed around multiple blocks just to get into the event. I have done several runway bookings here in Minneapolis but nothing compared to the shows! 

I got to meet so many amazing girls and make lots of friends. The exposure is also a plus, but overall it was incredible. In the small amount of free time that I had (that wasn't spent doing homework), I got to do a little sight seeing! I went to the Vessel and got to go to the top of the Empire State building! That view trumps everything, it’s so surreal up there. 10/10 recommend :)

#nyfw #nyfw2020 #nyfwtheshows #fw2020 #runwaymodel #fashionmodel

[sleepyyasu]

I fucking hate my depression!

Thing where going great, my depression had not been a bother for 3 months (the longest period of time I've been without it since before my concussion) I've been drawing, writing, and doing other creative activities. Of course I had a few self hating thoughts here and there, but I had the confidence to dismiss them and fight them back. I'm not entirely sure about everything that wore me down and knocked me back into the spiral of depression, but I damn well know what the last straw was. Today I had to work in the cash office (in short I was in charge of the store's money and clerical work) and in the middle of doing my clerical work the assistant store manager asked if I would help out another department, because there was only one person on and she desperately needed to do stock but she was mobbed with customers. So I agreed to help her out until she was either done with stock or until 5pm when another girl would be on to help her. I was nonstop busy, but that was fine I like helping people out in general. At 4:45, while I was in the middle of doing a return and quietly growing nervous over how long the line was getting one of my co-workers at the courtesy desk calls for me over the loud speaker to call her. so I called her back: She asks, "Is there a license it in the cash office?" "I don't know, I'm not in the cash office, I'm still helping the misses department," I replied. "Well you need to get up there right now, there is a customer waiting on hold! I didn't expect you to be down there all day, this is redicules, the cash office should be your only main priority!" (Alright, let me note here that she could have taken the customer's name and phone number and I could have gotten back to them at 5, also this woman is not a manager or a lead or in any position of authority) Something in me breaks. I was asked be the ASSISTANT STORE MANAGER to help the misses department out, I was in the middle of helping a customer, there were six people in line, and the coworker who I was helping was still very busy with stock! I wanted to scream this at her, but I didn't want to get into trouble, I need this job. So I hung up the phone on her. The girl I was helping was luckily I nearby and over heard enough to understand that our coworker at the courtesy desk was being very rude to me. I also looked like (and was) on the verge of crying (not because she hurt my feelings but because I felt powerless and frustrated with the situation) she stopped stocking and said, "It's okay, I'll take over for you. Thank you for your help." "No problem, I'm sorry," I replied. "You don't have to be sorry." So I get up to the cash office to look for the license and of course there is no license. So I had to call the courtesy desk lady back and tell her "no, we did not find a license." Afterwards I actually did cry for about 15mins, because I thought about quitting, the thought of quitting lead to thought of having to find a new job, the thought of trying to find a new job lead to my defeatist thoughts. "Where am I going to find a new job? Who would hire me? my college degree is worthless, I'm worthless, I'm a failure, I'm a disappointment, I am stupid, I'm a burden on my family, I am broken, I'm nothing. There's no point in anything." So here I am, 8 hours later, still spinning around rage, to helplessness, to actively hating myself, to nothingness; like some sick and twisted merry go round. Luckily, I have tomarrow off so maybe I can pull myself out or at the very least stop going down. I would like to end on one final note. I'm not posting this because I want sympathy or something from strangers. I'm posting this here because writing this and knowing someone might read it makes me feel better for some reason. Though in the same instance I don't really want the people I know, friends and family, to be burdened by my problems because they have their own shit that they have to deal with. Here my post will disappear and be crushed by the posts of thousands of others. so the chances of someone really seeing this or even reading it is nothing.

[lalunangel]

i yelled at you today because you’ve been taking advantage of me and i cried the most ugliest cry ever. as bad as it was when he broke up with me after everything he put me through- i screamed and cried. you’ve been taking a really long time to get to the car after work since i have to pick you up and i normally have good days but today i’ve been thrown up on and peed on and i just wanted to go home.. i know it was only 15mins of waiting but i really- i really can’t explain how angry i gotta get to finally be heard and today i couldn’t handle waiting so i yelled at you for being spoiled and taking forever to do anything because the world revolves around you and you told me i was annoying and complained about everything and i guess this was my breaking point. YEAH I FUCKING DO BECAUSE LIFE HASNT GIVEN ME A FUCKING BREAK I HAD TO RAISE YOU AND I STILL HAVE TO BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE CAN LOVE YOU PROPERLY! YEAH I COMPLAIN IM TIERD and i need to pay my bills but you need stuf for school and i need to make sure you’re successful! YEAH I COMPLAIN! IM SO ANGRY! for all the breaks you get i worked my ass off to give you! FOR ALL THE SPOILED ROTTEN ATTITUDE YOU HAVE IM RESPONSIBLE FOR BC I RAISED YOU! i’m mad because i made you think the world revolves around you because I CARE ABOUT YOU so much that i forgot to take care of myself. IVE BEEN KICKED OUT OF TWO HOMES BECAUSE OF YOU! TWO! no one in my family wants me even if they joke they’ll have me back because i work so hard fOR YOU! IM BACK TO ONLY MAKING $8 AN HOUR AND IM THERE ALL DAY AND IM TIRED BECAUSE I DON’T SLEEP ENOUGH AND YOU JUST SHIT ON ME EVERYDAY! So i yelled all of this and more at you.. and you took it as because of you i had to escape.. yeah i have to escape you, YOURE TOXIC. YOURE AWFUL. You’re just like our mom and i love you so much and i want to give you everything i didn’t get to have BUT I DONT DESERVE THIS ANYMORE! i worked my ass off to move out so seeing you could be a joy but EVERY DAY PICKING YOU UP IS SHIT! you’re spoiled as shit. you’re bratty as shit. everything is your way or no way. so i’m sorry i yelled and didn’t talk i just feel like i’m fucking drowning and like i’m dealing with MOM again.. but i’m never picking you up again. if i could walk to and from, maybe it’ll build character for you. maybe you shouldn’t be sheltered like i thought. maybe you should experience all the terrors i did, maybe you’d be greatful for all the hard work i did for you.. i even sold drugs for a while to help make sure you ate at night.. i’m screaming and i’m angry and i’m crying BECAUSE AS A KID I SHOULDNT HAVE HAD TO DO THAT i just want to live in peace but i can’t escape you or her because you just latch on and i love you so much but my heart is so exhausted- i don’t want kids because i had to raise all of you- i don’t ever want to struggle and cry like this again because you hurt me... i’m going to stop going over to see you.. i’m going to stop spending money on you. i love you so much but i don’t OWE YOU THE LIFE I GAVE YOU. i don’t owe you anything. You were privileged to have never gotten what i got... you’re sheltered... i feel like i gave my life to you and you just acted like a little shit the whole time i took care of you and now.. i’m bitter af.. all you do is take my love for you and take my willingness to please you.. and you bend it to your will and i’ve finally had it- i’m so freaking sad and mad right now..