#guess what fuckers ive got adhd

[thewanderingtrumpeteer]

wonder when I'll stop making impulsive ice cream purchases. probably not any time soon

#esp now that I've got it in my head that I have money #like I need to reconvince myself that I'm poor so I stop doing this shit #yes I did just pay $40 for a gopuff order of four pints of bjs and some sour patch kids #my boyfriend is out of town and I have no self control #I need a live in shame machine honestly that's the only way I ever stop myself from doing this shit #I hate how easy it is to buy stuff online #oh well #my id wins again #guess what fuckers ive got adhd #lilli liveblogs her sad existence

[skaldish]

Heya! I‘ve spent my morning reading through your website and low-key your blog here and wanted to say that the way you describe Loki feels so weirdly familiar? like him being your Mad Muse resonated in a way with my experience as an artist that is somewhat similar to yours which got me thinking. some ideas or concepts come seemingly out of nowhere and get stuck until i get them out and many of them are to do with the human condition but also gender and living the true self kinda? but more like these characters feel actually alive and thus not wanting me as an author or painter to control them but to observe and conserve these observations. it often feels like a swirling mass of chaos in my mind with me racing behind trying to grasp what i see/feel (its all really vague and words are more feelings of the essence of whats said.)

If i understand correctly You often make a distinction between chaos and his trickery (i am so sorry in advance for possible weird-wording things, or completely misunderstandig you >.< english is my 2nd language) and for me personally, i delight in chaos and trickery, though not in a hurting others way, more in a good hearted fun for the shits and giggles kind? but i love chaos in the way i love a symbol, since chaos for me means change in a rather radical way but without any judgement. Things change and get chaotic but chaos itself feels more like possibility?

I have a bonus Loki-Story for you: one time he (i assume) probably annoyed a busdriver with a red light and i caught my bus after asking any god willing to help me catch that bus (it was urgent lol). I was so out of breath but the second i could breathe properly again i asked who to thank for the red light and i kid you not, i drove by a wall with a graffiti that simply said: Loki. made me chuckle ugly but i gave him the best part of my steak never the less, gotta say thanks!

There have been several of these happenings with other gods (Thor and Odin mainly but i caught a whiff of freya once while baking i think?) so now im at the point where i feel i should finally listen. Though i know nothing about working with the gods or magic ive always felt a pull to runes and even got an engraving set to make some myself.

After reading your introduction about deity work i kinda confirmed what i thought regarding knowing the basics of magic (mainly i wont use runes or magic until i know how to do it safely with warding and shielding, which brings me to my question:

Do you have any open source or freely online available sources for learning the basics of magic and getting familiar with deity work? (possibly even for absolute total beginners who boarder on dumb - hello adhd) Like how to shield/ward yourself and your house and how to cleanse. Same with sharpening the clairsenses. It sounds kind of easy when reading but when i try to actually do that i feel helpless and dont know where to start or what to do :(

I often see these things stated (on your page and in the asks you answer but also on any site regarding these topics as well.Saw this also on sunnyway when tring to read up on runes) but never really explained in a way thats friendly for beginners, and when i try googling (i am chronically out of moneys so i guess that has to do with it) all that comes up is wicca related stuff that makes me feel icky (the norse gods are generally the only pantheon and norse religion mostly the only religion that doesnt feel icky to me but that might be my catholic upbringing? the norse gods feel so healingly friend-shaped that it spooked me for years but im staring to fall in love with that. i do get its not always like that but having a kind of mutually respectful relationship with the gods is kind of all i wanted when i grew up). Im also too new i guess to be able to discern between norse practicioners and white supremacists and dont want to end up on a nazi page and learning from them :/ (Here in germany i mostly saw nazis and white supremacists wearing norse symbols which i guess kept my spanish-libanese-migrant ass away from norse paganism for so long bc i thought theyre the only ones who practice it and i really do not like the fuckers)

Thank you in advance if you decide to answer this! (And i apologize for the sheer length of this ask!!)

Sorry this took me so long to get back! If I’m not mistaken, you’re basically asking how to move from “theory” to “practical application” with paganism, magic, and spirit/deity work.

I had to sit with this for a while because I couldn’t think of an easy answer to your question, and maybe an easy answer simply doesn’t exist. For me, everything I know and everything I believe in was built upon a combination of a few things:

Introducing myself to different branches of magical theory and trying different things, even stuff that wasn’t Norse.

Familiarizing myself with MANY different spiritual and religious practices; how they work, their ethos, their worldviews, their metaphysical philosophies, and how they differ from one another.

Finding a reputable community of actual advanced pagan practitioners who gave me the tools I needed to rely on myself and helped me troubleshoot specific things.

Identifying how my clairsenses and magical tendencies manifest and working them out like a muscle, using Tarot to help confirm or refute my interpretations of experiences.

Learning to trust myself and my judgements.

Learning what bad communities look like.

Learning what Nazi-coded language looks like.

Learning what healthy relationships look like.

Trying things and learning from both my mistakes and successes.

This stuff takes months to identify and years to cultivate, and honestly the only way to do figure it out is to expose yourself to it.

One resource I started with that IS free would be Oven-Ready Chaos by Phil Hine. This is a PDF you can google and download that introduces you to the basics of Chaos Magic. Even if you’re not a chaos magician, it provides some good metaphysical philosophies that can be applied to basically any eclectic practice. This book was also the first time magic was presented to me in a way that made a damn lick of sense.

But that’s all I really have for you, unfortunately. Someday I hope to write more about this process of magical/pagan development, but I’m not at the point where I know enough about it to do so.

#answered #Anonymous

[torao-chan]

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#i kind wish sometimes that i could see my high school frenemies again #the ones i kept around because they had no where else to go and no one else liked them at that stage #or any other stage #and they kept pulling their mental health over me #going i have aspergers #i have adhd #you have to like me #otherwise your discriminating against me #when it was the fact that they were selfish and inconsiderate that frustrated me #rather than their tendency for not the norm #because i never noticed the not the norm #and sometimes #i wish i could see them again #watch them try to pull the same shit on me #and i wish i could turn around and say #hey #guess what fucker #ive got ptsd and aspergers #and im suicidal too #and your not helping #with your poisonous ways #i guess what i really wish #is i could explain to them why i dropped all contact #and get the validation #rather than know that they think of me as a shallow person who just didnt care to put in the effort #to keep up contact after school #but it is what it is #and honestly #they were so poisonous that #personal

[jonphaedrus]

so i got my neuropsych testing results back yesterday. gonna put this under a readmore. (the one everyone cares about: yes its severe adhd.)

to the surprise of literally NOBODY: SEVERE adhd combined type. scored off the score chart for inattention. my tester was astounded nobody had caught it sooner but yeah. yeah, i have adhd. wow! nobody saw that coming. im seeing a new psych on thursday so we’re gonna hope that this one is successful now that i have the testing done.

im one of those unlucky comorbid fuckers too—adhd and nvld in this case (which is like autism but like....from the left? almost all the same issues as autism except almost not quite). nvld cant be diagnosed under the dsm because its “close enough” to be autism (its not, really) so im down as “unspecified neurodevelopmental disorder” until whatever point they manage to sort out the mess that the dsmv made of autism. he considered putting me down as asd because its best practice but it really was not accurate to whats truly going on, so he went with unspecified. and if future dsms fix it, i can get the testing results adjusted by whomever im seeing

and then the big one!

ive figured for a while i was dealing w ptsd but i figured probs p mild—according to every single ptsd diagnostic test im scoring literally off the testing chart so thats nice. as near as he can tell, all the stuff ive been previously in treatment for (ocd, anxiety, depression, dissociation, that whole suite of shit) has just been symptomology, the canary in the coal mine for something much worse being wrong. and it just...never came up, because i read as so “high functioning”. so thats why nothing’s really worked—im not dealing with a chemical imbalance! antidepressants won’t help because my chemicals arent fucked.

its just trauma.

so much trauma!

an absurd amount of trauma. 99th % in every area of ptsd testing. just, a fucking. shitload of absurd trauma that’s not been dealt with. so like. thats. cool.

so if i can get my trauma properly treated and dealt with, functionally put forward rather than symptoms, i should improve rapidly? so thats like, thats that deal.

so anyway im seeing a new psych tmr (fingers crossed lollll) and we’re gonna go from there i guess until we find medications that work? boy howdy

[thewanderingtrumpeteer]

oh yeah, i sent my qb test results to my neuro and she was like. Well. I'm no expert in adhd, but you were >95th percentile in impulsivity and inattention so like your insurance will probably cover the drugs now lol

#my neurologist is the only good doctor I've ever had #she's so fucking cool and actually interested in interacting with and helping her patients #my therapist is also super awesome she's stoked that I'm getting treatment #evidently she also got diagnosed with adhd around my age so she understands the struggle lmao #but like. fuck every psychiatrist who ever told me I didn't have adhd without bothering to test me. #especially my current one who was all like oh well you didn't bring this up at our first appointment and you weren't diagnosed as a child so #might send her my test results to be like. hey fuck you #I told you I wasn't lying #and I told you it wasn't anxiety related #like. the fuck. #lilli liveblogs her sad existence #guess what fuckers ive got adhd

[thewanderingtrumpeteer]

Day 1 on vyvanse: I could have felt like this the whole fucking time??? I just packed a suitcase and cleaned up some trash that's been accumulating for weeks without breaking a sweat. I feel genuine calm and control of myself. I don't lose track of my thoughts halfway through them. What the fuck I am so fucking mad

#24 years of struggling and extreme executive dysfunction and for what? #absolutely no fucking reason #except that nobody listened to me when I told them I was struggling #fuck this entirely #I'm happy but I'm also so fucking mad like maybe I could've had a good gpa?? maybe I wouldn't have failed three semesters??? #ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh #lilli liveblogs her sad existence #guess what fuckers ive got adhd

[thewanderingtrumpeteer]

god now that I've become self aware I keep noticing that I literally never stop moving. like. constant head bob foot tap knee bounce etc.

#and every time I notice myself doing it I'm like I MUST BE FAKING #or something like that #and then I try and stop and it's unbearable to stop because fucking of course it is #idk dude like being told so many times that I didn't have adhd really fucked up my ability to allow myself to acknowledge my symptoms #and now I'm so hyper aware of my constant motion I'm wearing myself out just thinking about it #uuuuugghhhh #guess what fuckers ive got adhd #lilli liveblogs her sad existence

[thewanderingtrumpeteer]

unforeseen consequence of being on adhd meds:

the days are good bc I can focus and do stuff and I feel good but the nights are worse bc I'm back to being all antsy and unable to discern what my brain wants from me

#the differential is kind of jarring #it's not as bad as when I was taking Ritalin for my sleep disorder and it'd be such a violent up and down #but now I'm in a spot where it's 11pm and I've got shitall to do and I'm not tired enough to go to bed bc I'm unemployed #hnnnnngggggg why can't drugs fix brain forever instead of just for a few hours #I still haven't figured out what the fuck to do with myself when I'm alone at night #euuuugghhhhhhhhh #and I've got to wait another week before therapy 😭 #legit if I could be in session every three days rn I would be there is so much going on up there #I feel like a trapped animal all panicky and pacing around #hnnnnnggggggggggg #guess what fuckers ive got adhd #lilli liveblogs her sad existence

[thewanderingtrumpeteer]

also it's been a long day and I'm out of ice cream, fuck

#I need my instant dopamine ugh #and I let Isaac finish my Mountain Dew #no thoughts head empty brain scrampled egg #guess what fuckers ive got adhd #lilli liveblogs her sad existence

[thewanderingtrumpeteer]

well. failed that with flying colors.

Jesus fucking Christ, what kind of evil person came up with that test? Like I know it's designed such that nt people can do it and ppl with adhd can't but like. The physical agony of boredom is So Much.

I've also never paid attention to how much I move around before. Like shit, I didn't stop moving the entire time, and now that I'm aware of it I can't stop noticing when I'm doing it.

#unfortunately I have to wait a month for some lady to tell me what I already know #but like. bruh lmao #any doubt in my mind abt this is completely gone #and like my impulse control?? so bad. I never thought about that either tbh. #but I am ruled by my impulses almost completely #it's insane #eieuuughehhefehhehe #guess what fuckers ive got adhd #is my new adhd tag #god I'm so mad #lilli liveblogs her sad existence #the disorder