#going thru my old docs and sobbing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mango-jpeg · 3 months

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st elmo's fire and drop the knife notes

(i wasn't sure at first if i would make these posts again this year (like.. get a new bit bro) but ultimately i do think they're helpful for me so i'll stick w it for now)

i don’t remember much about persona 3 from playing it 15 years ago. basically all i remember is 1) being obsessed with akihiko 2) sobbing like a baby when i finished it @ 2 am 3) the crackly, fuzzy quality of my old tube tv

anyway i also don't remember writing much of st elmo's fire bc i was so inside it the whole time. i did think more about structure for both fics, i think that's something i'm going to focus on more this year

sidenote: i read chuck palahniuk's consider this in jan which was a great read on its own and also gave me lots to think about re: writing, and influenced me/my thinking for both of these fics

additional sidenote: coming to terms w the fact that the style of writing i enjoy most + would like to imitate works best in first person but i do not want to write or read first person fanfiction

for the first time i wrote drafts/outlines of almost every scene in my notes app then wrote them out fully in docs, which it turns out is a good way to do things

past tense? again?? who am i.

st elmo’s fire wrote from feb 6-7? to feb 25

this is maybe the most for me and only me thing i’ve written. i’ve wanted to write an awkward morning after pill scene for so long

looked up their personas bc i was curious about their mythology and obviously seized on the st elmo’s fire thing

(i thought it'd be cool to include a bit of magic in a fic that otherwise ignores all the canon magic)

this fic was my way of reaching back thru time to my horrible teenage self + saying you’re gonna be ok kid

reading:

I Have Some Questions for You, Rebecca Makkai

Me Talk Pretty One Day, David Sedaris

Heartburn, Nora Ephron

listening: st elmo’s fire (approx 40 times a day), hold it in

fav early bit i wrote: the whole paragraph about shinji’s boobs a fav late addition:

Inside the air was dry and charged; Akihiko was sure if he touched Shinji he’d spark. He felt the kind of calm certainty he usually felt only before matches, when he knew the result would be in his favour.

drop the knife wrote from feb 21 to mar 10

i have sequel disease. once i've written the long 'figuring out the characters' fic i neeeed to write another one. i think it's getting worse actually, i think i might have trilogy disease (write one long standalone and immediately want to write 2 related works)

the kind of cooking i do is soup. if i had things my way this is the only food we'd eat. this made writing the recipes a huge pain in the ass bc i do not think shinji is a 'throw everything into a pot and let it figure itself out' kind of cook

took the key lime pie recipe straight out of the last chapter of heartburn. idk if this is really the ‘right’ dessert but it’s the kind of food i’d actually make and i wanted to include one heartburn recipe

i thought writing aki instead of akihiko for the whole fic would be annoying and then switching between the two became a way of reflecting shinji's attempt at putting distance between them ie. thinks 'aki' in the abstract, and when his guard is low. idk how much that comes thru in reading but i made the attempt

reading:

Heartburn, Nora Ephron (i reread chapters for 3 weeks. i loved everything about this book. i’m codependent on it now.)

Wallflower at the Orgy, Nora Ephron

Tokyo Ueno Station, Yu Miri

Slaughterhouse Five, Kurt Vonnegut

listening: sore, knife, i got heaven

fav early bit:

Aki looked at him. He was within arm’s reach and his face was soft in a way it rarely was, his eyes large in the dark. Shinjiro wanted him in ways he’d given up on long ago, wanted him bloody and beneath him, wanted him laughing and leaning in to close the distance.

late addition:

Aki was like one of those dogs bred to rip prey out of their burrows or drag sleds across the tundra; being forced to stay inside was torturous, he needed something he could sink his teeth into.

took me ages to come up with a title, i didn’t even have a working one. found the poem oxygen when i went searching and i liked the phrase drop the knife bc knives are used in cooking (lol) + implies being disarmed + the poem has the sort of half of my soul vibe these guys have goin on

#writing journal

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radiant-reid · 2 years

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(I have decided to kick the anxiety in the butt and reveal myself, hi Cate!)

I'M SO GLAD YOU LIKE MY PLAYLIST!

master has given dobby validation, dobby is freeee!!!

There is one song in particular on it that I am having big feelings about: Tassez-vous de d'la (this link has English subs for better context)

I hurt my own feelings so I'm here to hurt yours 😈

This song is about regretting not helping a friend when they were struggling w drugs and wanting to find them and hoping they're doing ok. WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T IMAGINE SPENCER HEARING THIS SONG AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME AGAIN AFTER HANKLE AND HOPING THAT HIS FRIENDS ARE HALF AS APOLOGETIC AS THE SONG! DON'T IMAGINE HIM W TEARY EYES HOPING THAT THEY REGRET NOT BEING THERE FOR HIM AND NOT HELPING HIM THRU IT!

"[...] he wanted to die, what do you do at a time like that? Me I felt like running. I left him alone on the verge of the catastrophe, forgive me, forgive me, I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to, didn't mean to abandon you at the roughest moment. I the coward amongst cowards, not the toughest of the tough."

I can't believe not one of em took care of him the night they found him in the cemetery. No one gave him food and water to make sure he was fed? No one stayed w him thru the night bc he'd for sure have withdrawals and would need help? No one offered to wash his hair bc he was emotionally and physically exhausted and might not be able to do basic self care??? Ya ok. The way I would wean this man off the drugs myself w daily decreasing doses despite my phobia of syringes if I had to.

Maybe I should open that month old self insert fic doc again and continue it

Anyways special thanks to my mother for showing me this song years ago so I could sob over it today in relation to Spencer.

ahh hey bestie !! we're aall going to know whoo you are so we can read your fic now ahaha

you're making me emotional with this one, like anytime i think about no one helping him with his drug issues, i get sad. i would have looked after him so hard, make sure he knows he's doing amazing.

#rr answers

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lost-and-rambling · 2 years

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This is one of the last truly “anonymous” spaces I think I have on the internet so here goes…

I’m pretty sure I’m gay, and I’m 100% sure that I fumbled the conversation about it with my husband.

My incessant need to be nice and “soften the blow” made it seem like I was still more confused than anything, which is not accurate. I’m not really confused, I’m just processing and breaking down the trauma from my childhood.

My relationship with my husband hasn’t been that great in awhile, and I haven’t been feeling fulfilled with him for an even longer amount of time. I haven’t had to nerve to look that in the face until now.

It all kinda started in therapy (as most things for me do, apparently). I was lamenting to my therapist that I can’t seem to find an end to things he does that annoy me, that his little quirks got annoying like 5 years ago, that I don’t feel like he really knows me, and that I’ve had this constant hole in my heart since my breakup with my first semi-serious girlfriend. I blurted out that I wasn’t even sure about my queerness anymore, because he and I moved so fast after my first marriage fell to pieces that I never gave myself room to fully explore my sapphic desires (wants?). I think she zoned in on that and left me with the homework of pondering my sexuality in more serious terms. And then I started to piece things together not only in this relationship but in all my relationships with men, and I had a major “oh fuck” moment. I fell down some Reddit rabbit holes, first on r/questioning, which led me to r/LateBloomerLesbians, which had a Google doc allllllllllll about compulsory heterosexuality that made everything click. The lightbulb went off, I started crying, and I knew I had to figure out how to start this conversation with my husband.

So now I’m here, 31 years old, 90% sure I’m gay, stuck with my husband because I can’t afford to live solo, breaking his and my heart more and more every day. Going home after work feels like a punch to the gut. Being in the same bed as him feels like a sin. Him giving me a kiss makes me want to recoil.

But suddenly, now that the reality and gravity of my doubts are settling in, and that I may be leaving for good, he seems to be trying to win me over. I don’t know how to deal with that. Like, thanks a lot man but no amount of meatloaf and kind words is going to make me not attracted to women. And I hate that. I don’t want things to be like this. I knew getting re-married was a bad idea, but I went with it anyways, and now this. He’s such a good person, and he’s going thru so much right now, but I just don’t think we’re compatible anymore in really really basic ways.

But he fucking sobbed ffs. I’ve only seen him cry like that a couple of times in the 8 years we’ve been together.

He said he’s giving me time, that he’s holding on to hope but that I should “let him know before Christmas.” I don’t know why, but that hurt. When he said it’s not fair for him to be married to a lesbian (which is true, and I agree with it), the way he said “lesbian” stung.

I’m conflicted. I love him like a friend, I’m terrified of change, and I hate to break his heart.

But I can’t keep lying to myself. Even if I really really want to. And holy shit do I want to.

#personal

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crazyforkasey-blog · 5 years

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Most at christmas time

A/N nnobody asked , but I wrote it anyway, there is a part 2 to this

@gottapenny @bandofbrosimagine

Christmas 1943

"I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me, please have snow and mistletoe and presents under the tree, Christmas Eve will find me where the love light gleams" I sang while I decorated the mess hall.

It was Christmas time and Easy Company celebrated the holiday with a mixture of emotions. On Dec 13th the company had made its first night jump and they lost Dittrich, due to a parachute failure.

I was so caught up in what I was doing. So I didn't hear the door opening and closing. Suddenly I felt someone grab my leg. I kicked the attacker and I heard someone mumble "son of a bitch",I looked down and saw Grant grabbing his nose.

"Oh god Chuck…oh I am so sorry…let's get some ice for your nose" I opened the door and scooped up some snow. The village looked like an old fashion Christmas card covered in snow. I loved Christmas and I wanted this last Christmas before the big jump to be a memorable one for all the men. I packed the snow in a towel and gave it to Grant who placed it on his swollen nose.

The door opened once again and Doc and Talbert stepped in "What happened here?" Tab asked and sat down next to Grant.

Grant removed the towel from his nose and scrunched it a bit to see if it was broken y/n decided to kick my teeth in"

"Oh" Talbert said and watched as me put up mistletoe over one of the tables.

"Hoping for a surden Lieutenant to stop by?" Grant asked I. Talbert punched Grant on the shoulder and shook his head

"What?" Grant looked at Talbert

Talbert just shook his head. Welsh and I was fighting again and this time it was the lieutenant that had fucked up

Aldbourne November 1943

"Mail call" Private Vest walked thru the officer's mess handing out mail. I walked in behind Vest and slid into a seat next to Welsh.

Welsh was reading a letter from his parents and I picked up a letter from the table and read the front. 10 second later I wish I had just left the letter on the table.

The letter read To Lieutenant Harry F Welsh

Easy company 506th/501st PIR

On the top left corner, it read From Kitty Grogan

Luzerne County, Penn.

I dropped the letter like a hot potato. Harry noticed my shocked expression and grabbed the letter and stuffed it in his shirt pocket.

"Harry…Who is Kitty?" I asked Welsh who was biting his bottom lip. Kitty was his fiancé…ex fiancé, Welsh had meant to break things of with Kitty for months, he just hadn't figured out how he was going to end things with Kitty.

"Y/N …I" Welsh started, but he didn't get to finish what he started. I was out of the mess and I slammed the door after me. I kicked the door outside of the mess and started to sob, how could I be so stupid, I knew I should have kept my heart stuffed away and just wait for her crush on Welsh to fate out. I started to run away from the mess

"Y/N…Come on, please don't make me chase you" Nixon came running up behind me

I stopped and when Nixon wrapped his arms around me, I fell apart, I only loved two men in my entire life, my brother and Welsh, I learned at a young age that love was dangerous.

"Y/N please don't…Harry is absolutely bunkers about you. Kitty is just a bump in the road, he has been meaning to break it off with her for months, he just don't know how to break it off with her, he doesn't want to hurt her, but he doesn't realize that he is hurting you instead" Nixon kissed the top of my head.

"You knew about her and you never told me" I sobbed and started to cry even harder, this just proved that men couldn't be trusted.

I sniffled and let go of Nixon, I turned and walked away from Nixon. I walked past the guard and headed towards the cemetery, all I could think about was that I had been foolish to think, I finally found someone who loved me for me and not for what they wanted me to be, but never again. I opened the gate to cemetery, said a quick prayer and sat down on a bench. I didn't notice the officer who sat down next to her until he let out a small cough.

"Lieutenant Speirs, sir, I didn't realize you were here" I blushed. Speirs was a handsome devil.

"I guess you found out about the fiancé" Speirs looked at me. Christ she was young Speirs thought to himself, but she was tough, brave and more than once she had been on the receiving end of a rant from Sobel, well Sobel was gone now and Meehan had replaced him.

"I did, guess I am a fool," I mumbled

Speirs looked at the innocent young girl in front of him. He wanted to tell her that it would all be ok and that everything would work itself out and that her and Harry would live happily ever after, but he knew different. They were going to war and the only way to get thru the war was to accept you were already dead. However looking into Chris big eyes all he could do was smile.

"No he is the idiot" Speirs held out his hand to me. I took it and they walked back to camp together.

Welsh had been waiting outside my barrack. I stopped a few feet away from him, I didn't know what to say to him.

"Y/N I am sorry, I should have ended things with Kitty. I should have thought about how this would affect you,. I am sorry Y/N, please forgive me" Welsh stepped towards me.

"Goodbye Harry" I said, kissed him on the cheek and stepped into the barrack. When I reached my cot, I pulled my blanket over my head and willed myself to sleep.

Since the day in November, I had avoided Harry

…..

#band of brother x reader #band of brothers imagine #band of brothers fanfic #harry welsh #ron speirs

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cruddyborderlandstheories · 5 years

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i said i was gonna do the meme Zer0/Hyperion theory from 2017 after the festivities but plans got shifted around and i have a couple minutes until the fireworks start so here we go. wild west pyro this one's for you o7

tl;dr: Zer0 was reverse engineered from Tannis’s notes on Eridians when Hyperion tortured her for the Vault Key and they used E-Tech to build them which is why they look human(oid) and why they use the E-tech rarity color in their splash screen instead of just... red or something. ... also we lost control of the timeline and 0ne was built by Rhys as a replacement for Zer0 once Rhys took over Atlas. we uhhhh didn’t think that one through LMAO

This was taken from a discord chat I had with a friend a couple years ago

i saved it in a google doc

i haven’t changed in years lmfao

im Foster Farren/Me

greg swifthands/xeric is my friend, we ended up swapping to our dnd server to scream about it which is why our names change halfway thru

my edits for clarity are gonna be in [brackets]

Me-Today at 2:33 AM

you know MAYBE THEM ALWAYS HOLDING A HYPERION SMG IS A SIGN [as some official art of zer0 had him with a hyperion smg...]

[i think this is it]

[bonus the hyperion sniper]

[also just for shits and giggles, the null pointer in bl3 is a hyperion sniper zer0 gives to us for the monomolecular edge upgrade]

LIKE WE ALL THINK OH THEY CHOOSE HYPERION BECAUSE ACCURACY

BUT WHAT IF BECAUSE THE OLD HYPERION COLORS WERE RED AND BLACK RIGHT BEFORE THEY MADE IT YELLOW AND WHITE

FUCK Y E S

I WOULDNT BE SURPRISED IF THEY COVERED UP THE WHOLE FAILURE JSUT BECAUSE THEY'D BE ASHAMED OF IT THE OLD GAPING CUNTS THAT’S WHY JACK WOULDN BE ASKING ANGEL

obviously zer0 escaped right

or else they wouldn't be in bl2

Xeric-Today at 2:33 AM

yeah, he fought his way out of the moonbase [helios], and came back to pandora to finish the job

Me-Today at 2:33 AM

fuck YES

Xeric-Today at 2:33 AM

DUDE

Me-Today at 2:33 AM

and did assassinations on the side to cover any costs that come up

Foster Farren-Today at 2:36 AM

OMG DUDE

HYPERION WAS THE FIRST COMPANY TO DISCOVER ETECH WEAPONRY THATS HOW THEY AMDE MILOLION S BY TSELIING IT TO THE OOTHE RS

[the reason im flipping out about E-tech is because Zer0′s splash card in the bl2 intro uses the E-tech rarity color]

[for reference:]

[look at the white bits and also we were thinking the background was eridian ruins but couldn’t make a connection to any we’ve seen... they looked like stone and collapsed arches]

[very similar to e-tech rarity colors]

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:37 AM

oh shit wait, WHAT IF

TANNIS

RIGHT

SHE WAS IN THE RUINS

Foster Farren-Today at 2:37 AM

YES

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:37 AM

AND FOUND ZER(0) IN CRYO OR SOMETHING(edited)

Foster Farren-Today at 2:37 AM

OH NO

ITS SPELLED ZER0

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:38 AM

AND BROUGHT HIM BACK TO HYPERION

Foster Farren-Today at 2:38 AM

TANNIS WOULD NEVER SHEWAS A DAHL GIRL

AND ALSO INSANE(LY) SMART(edited)

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:38 AM

Maybe when hyperion was torturing her the stole her research notes

Foster Farren-Today at 2:38 AM

oh shit

BOY

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:38 AM

and reverse engineered him

Foster Farren-Today at 2:38 AM

CEILING CHAIRS COMING DOWN

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:38 AM

oh f u c k

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:39 AM

Hyperion BROUGHT HIM BACK

Foster Farren-Today at 2:39 AM

THIS PARTY'S GETTING CRAZY

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:39 AM

THE GREATEST ASSASSIN IN THE GALAXY

PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE

Foster Farren-Today at 2:40 AM

i had aa theory that tannis did it herself with the teleportation system BUT THIS IS SO MUCH MORE SENSE

YES

ZER0 IS SIMPLY THE PRESENT

ONE IS THE FUTURE

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:40 AM

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH SHIT

Foster Farren-Today at 2:40 AM

OH SHIT

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:40 AM

OH SHIT

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:42 AM

DUDE

ALRIGHT

REMEMBER TRANSFORMERS 4

Foster Farren-Today at 2:42 AM

THE CODE HAS BEEN REACKSED [... cracked?]

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:42 AM

THE HUMANS BUILDING NEW VERSIONS OF THE ROBOTS

IN T4 = HYPERION IMPROVING ON THE CLASSIC ERIDIAN DESIGNED ZER0(edited) [using E-tech technology]

Foster Farren-Today at 2:43 AM

i fixed it

OH SHIT

YES

AND RHYS

RHYS RUNS ATLASA

OH MY GOD

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:43 AM

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

HOLY SHIT

Foster Farren-Today at 2:43 AM

RHYS LOVES ZER0

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:43 AM

LMOA

INRGNIERGN

Foster Farren-Today at 2:43 AM

RHYS MAKES A ZER0 FOR HIMSELF LOL

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:43 AM

OHMYFUCKINGGOE

AHHHHHH

Foster Farren-Today at 2:43 AM

IM FCUKCING SOBBING

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:43 AM

YOUGOTMESHOOK

Foster Farren-Today at 2:43 AM

UIMF CUKING SOHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK

im cant my bsotmache bhurts so badly from laughing

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:44 AM

HOLY SHIT MAN IT WORKS AND IM SCARED

SO ONE/MERCY KILLED ZER0'S ASSASSIN BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BE THE ONE TO KILL ZER0

Foster Farren-Today at 2:44 AM

yes

YES

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:44 AM

HE WANTS TO PROVE HES THE BEST

Foster Farren-Today at 2:45 AM

YES

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:45 AM

THE BETTER

Foster Farren-Today at 2:45 AM

THE ONE

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:45 AM

HOOOOOOOOOOHOHO

Foster Farren-Today at 2:45 AM

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Greg Swifthands-Today at 2:45 AM

DUDE

ALRIGHT THATS CANON TOO

Foster Farren-Today at 2:45 AM

C O N F I R M E D

... anyway there it is

i actually was quite fond of the E-tech colors/Zer0 splash screen connection but I could never get anything out of it. maybe in bl3 we’ll learn something new :?

#borderlands #crack theory #this is a shitpost #bl2 #zer0

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shay-iamiam · 6 years

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°Still| Part 2°

Pairings: Boxer!Bucky x poc! reader (If your not a poc you can still fully enjoy this 😌)

Warnings: Fluff and Angst

A/N: I hope y'all enjoy the fluff in this part... Because the next part.. well it's going to go down hill.

Part 1

| WC: 1.6k

You weren’t vain, you personally didn’t care about looks you knew the inside matter the most, but Bucky’s face was wrecked. His eye was swollen shut a busted lip and his body was covered in dark purple bruises.

He fought twice this week and he won both but you didn’t care about that. It was already breaking you knowing he was fighting for your future together; it made it more painful when he would come thru the door barely able to stand up straight.

Tonight was know different. Bucky decided to train even in his condition. He came thru the apartment door barely able to stand up straight.

“Bucky what the hell!” You charged over towards the front door ready to catch Bucky as he limped in. He promised he wouldn’t train today, you woke up late that day to see the other side of the bed empty.

“You should’ve stayed home today.” You squeezed the bridge of your nose, it wasn’t that you were “mad” at him it was the fact that he countied to split himself in two.

“It’s not a big deal sugar.” Every word he spoke slurred due to his busted lip. He always tried to sugar coat things, trying to soften the blow as much as he could for your sake. But nothing could take away the pain you felt when you saw him hurt.

You ran to the kitchen searching thru the freezer for a cold compress. You couldn’t stop the tears from falling down your face. You felt responsible for his injuries, you knew he only fought to save money; in hopes of being able to leave this shitty small town behind.

You staggered back into the living room pulling off Bucky’s shoes, peeling off his dirty training clothes. The layers you peeled from his beaten form the more bruised and scars were revealed. You couldn’t hold back your sob’s this time, you tried to stop crying but you couldn’t.

“Come on Sugar come relax with me.” He grabbed you and pulled you to the couch between his legs.

Even now when he could barely stand up straight he was worried about you.

“Things are good right now Y/N, we caught up on all the bills, we have a little extra money left over, and hey baby!” He titled your head back so you could see him.

“If ya want we could even go out to Red Lobster or something fancy like Olive Garden.” He managed to make you crack a small smile, Bucky always managed to make your darkest days brighter.

He was right things were going okay for once. You were able to let go of your second job, your savings account wasn’t empty for once and you got a small raise at your first job.

But it didn’t change the fact the he was in pain. Why did life have to be so shitty, it was something you thought about often. Life was fair to people who didn’t deserve it and shitty to the rest.

You nuzzled back into Bucky’s arms, taking in this moment trying to relax.

Bucky breath fanned over your face, he squeezed you tightly absentmindedly rubbing circles into your arms. Bucky was always so calm it was something you always admired about him. Even in the shittest sitautions he was your rock someone you could depend on when the flood of life came crashing in on you.

It was his idea to move into your small but cozy apartment. He needed to get away to have his “own spot” as he put, and he wanted to take you with him. You both didn’t have two pennies to rub together but you took the plunge anyway.

Looking around at your small apartment now and back at the man who was holding you close; you couldn’t help but feel a little glad that not everything in your life was complete shit.

“Baby are you still crying?” You fell silent as your thoughts over took everything else, you completely forgot about your battered and bruised boyfriend. Hoping off the couch you rushed to the bathroom, you knew if he didn’t take pain meds soon enough he wouldn’t find sleep tonight.

“Y/N will ya please come back and relax for more than five minutes. I thought we both agreed that things weren’t total shit right now.” Bucky knew you to your very core. He honestly hated making you worry like this but it was all for a good reason.

It’s what he told himself after a rough match, it’s what he told himself when his nose was knocked crocked the first time, it’s what he told himself when his lip was busted from a dirty punch. It’s what he told himself when he watched you sleep at night.

He didn’t want to start fighting but he figured it was a quick way to make cash so the two of you could leave this shitty town behind.

Before he meant you he didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. At first he considered staying here working at the only factory in town making twelve dollars hour, working forty hours a week. Living the same shitty life as everyone else did.

He didn’t think he would be able to make it “out there“. He figured his mom never left, none of his friends considered leaving after high school so why should he. Bucky didn’t dream, survival was the only thing on his mind. He felt like he was drowning barely treading above water daily.

He had grown used to it, it was all he had ever known he didn’t expect to find a bright light in his dark and grime world, he didn’t expect to start believing that he was capable of doing anything other than what was expected of him. He never thought he would have any ambition or drive, but watching you run down the hall with pain meds and a cold pack he knew he had found his silver lining in such a shitty world.

You tried to take your mind off Bucky's battered and beaten form for his sake, but you couldn’t lay there knowing the man you loved was in pain. “Bucky I’ll be back I’m going to stop by the drug store and get some stuff to wrap you up.” you walked out the door, you couldn’t even glance back at him. It never got easier. And it wasn’t a feeling you wanted to get used to.

You made it back from the store after you finished applying neosporin to his open cuts you massaged his back with muscle rub. You sat with Bucky’s head in your lap rubbing your fingers thru his hair. It was the one thing he wasn't willing to compromise when he started fighting, and you were glad it was the one thing that remained the same. It wasn't that bucky wasn't buff before but ever since he started training he had became straight up beefy.

Bucky had closed his eyes relaxing fully in your touch. You stooped stroking his scalp looking down at him with wonder and love behind your gaze.

“Baby.. Your-you’re sort of making me nervous.” Bucky grappsed your hand tight. His palms began to sweat. You didn’t catch the weariness in his voice until you saw his face. He looked nervous but you couldn’t figure out why.

“Everything is fine baby, I was just thinking about you.” you smiled at him. All the sudden weariness he had felt in the moment evaporated into thin air. You could reassure him with a simple smile, Bucky knew he was in deep but he knew he wouldn’t drown, not with you right there beside him.

Not worrying about bills or the future, just being present in the moment. You walked into the living room only to find Bucky struggling to move into a comfortable position on the couch. You knew he was still sore from training.

You leaned against the wall with your arms folded over your chest. Bucky knew what he need but he was too stubborn to actually get up.

“Come on y/n let’s find a true crime doc or something.” he smiled thru gritted teeth. You weren’t having it though.

“Come on move your ass Barnes you need to ice.” you walked over to the couch grabbing his arms pulling his sore body up.

“No baby come on it’s not that bad honestly.” he whined back at you, he could be such a child sometimes. He was even worse when he was sick.

“Alright if your fine than bend over and touch your toes without groaning than.” You stood there staring at him waiting for him to make a move. He could be so stubborn sometimes.

“Like I said you need to ice.” you led him to the bathroom and told him to strip and hoop in the tub. You ran cold water than filled the rest of the tub up with ice. You saw him physically relax and stretch back. He closed his eyes and laid there.

You were sitting on the toilet lid with a book in hand reading as he sat in the icey tub.

Bucky open his eyes and watched you for a while, he wondered how he got so lucky again for the second time this night.

“Staring is rude Barens.” you peeked up from your book to find him smiling like a dork.

“I’m not staring just admiring baby.” his icy hand skimmed across your leg.

“Hey! Keep your cold ass hands to yourself.” you tried to be mad but you couldn’t not with him smiling like that.

“And what if I don’t want to?” He is such a five year old always trying to bend the rules to his will.

“Then you’ll have some cold showers in front of ya baby.” you got up from the lid and swayed out of the bathroom. Bucky thru his head back, he loved drowning in your deep waters. Even if there was a little frostbite.

Part 3

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ecotone99 · 4 years

Text

[HR] [SF] Spence - Chapter 2

‘Fore we got rid of Dr. McFuckknuckle and The Three Stooges, went through all their things and vehicles. No identification at all.

That tablet thing ‘Curly’ had was, along with bein’ a tracker for Spence, a maintenance console kinda thing. Get back to that here in a minute.

The doc’s car had some real interestin’ toys inside. Was a laptop, set up on a stand like in a police vehicle. Opened it up, and it lit up fine, but wanted a password, or a fingerprint. Lucky for me, once I pried open ol’ doc’s torn off hand and cleaned it up a mite, the thumbprint from that did the trick. Couple minutes of tinkerin’ got me my thumbprint authorized jest fine. Tossed that hand back over by its former owner. Spence followed the toss with his head, and chuffed. ‘Good riddance to bad rubbish, right?’ He cocked his head at me, like he was thinkin’ that over.

Was a leather folder which had some papers, a small black nylon toolbag, and a power cord/adapter for keeping the laptop charged.

Plugged the laptop up in the shack, ‘fore we headed out to get rid of the trash.

Loaded the dead weight into the back of that SUV, jerry-rigged a tow for the doc’s car, got ready to haul out into the back-country. Plenty of room for Spence in the back seat. Opened the door and said ‘C’mon bud. It’s garbage day.’ Spence kinda ‘chuffed’, would not get in.

‘You gonna stay here, slick?’

<chuff>

Goddamn, he was sayin’ no.

‘Fair enough, you plenty fast, bud. Follow me.’

Headed out, and Spence was a joy to see in motion. He’d rocket out ahead, swoop around and jet right back. He was playin’ with his lil ol’ slow human. Such a cat, that guy. Wiseass.

Got to where we was gonna dump this sack o’ assholes, and made sure to kick Dr. MFK in the ribs until my leg was tired. Not that it bothered him much, made me feel better.

Not gonna get too detailed on where/how all that was dealt with. Some things are best left unsaid ... but no one is ever gonna find them, or their vehicles ... and there are a couple-three less incendiary grenades left.

Was a long walk back, but Spence had a time. He’d spot a jack-rabbit, start up that chittery thing he does, and off he’d go. Chase the poor lil bugger for a while, and then he’d stop, let that jack run off, look back at me, and speed on back. Keepin’ an eye on his human. Saw a buzzard off on high, ridin’ the thermals. Guess we wasn’t the only ones takin’ care of dead meat today.

Just managed to beat the rain, and nightfall when we got back home.

Was time to get back to those ‘stay tuned’ things, so made up some coffee, and started snoopin’.

That laptop and those papers had some info, but the rest here is some wild-ass-guessin’:

Spence is a ‘prototype weapons system.’ Was the only one that ‘was successful’. Seems ‘they’ (not clear on who ‘they’ really is, but ‘they’ had some deep pockets, as Dr. MFK didn’t seem to have much problem keepin’ the lights on) had built some kinda ’AI’. Too bad for ‘they’, this AI? That dog won’t hunt. Couldn’t manage to ‘code a hunting instinct.’ Some bright-boy lab rat fella decided to ‘look into the feline mind’ to get that ‘hunter/killer’ code.

Dr. MFK was that lab rat. Pretty sure the process died with him. Small favors.

Seems the idea that he come up with was what he called a ‘matrix’ that this AI thing could run in, and the cat ‘code’ part could be copied in there, to give them that missin’ piece. There warn’t no ‘organic’ Spence left in that shiny body, from what I could figger. Just that matrix thing, swaddled up in Spence’s metal and silicon innards, with Spence and that AI all mixed up together.

He also figgered out that ferals and cats not raised ... whaddyacallit ... underfoot? Well, not bonded to humans, they wasn’t gonna work either.

Bastard slaughtered a lot of cats. ‘Spence, Ima thinkin’ the Doc here got off light.’ Spence chuffed again. Ima guessin’ this time he was agreein’ with me.

Spence was a smart fella before, but now he’s scary smarter. Still good company. Conversation is nice, just too damn big for lap-sittin’.

—-

[SIGNAL SCAN IN PROGRESS]

[SIGNAL DETECTED]

[SIGNAL TRIANGULATION ENGAGED]

—-

Also figgered out that the tools in that bag were for openin’ up maintenance ports and the like on Spence’s chrome carcass. One of them had a port for connectin’ that little maintenance console up. Told ya I’d get back to that. Was able to find the tracker tag they had plugged into Spence. Pulled that sumbitch out and unhooked its battery. Put that all away in the toolbag. Oh yeah, Spence is stealth. I can’t claim to understand how it works, but I read that, and tried to take a picture with my old digital camera, and all I could see was a kinda washed out blur, like the lens was smudged. Does the same kinda thing to radar signals and the like, but I ain’t got no way to test that. The black magic don’t extend to regular optical cameras, but that’s ok. Hell, I wanna be able to see him.

—-

[TRIANGULATION INCOMPLETE]

[SIGNAL LOST]

—-

Feelin’ kinda proud of myself at this point, so I closed Spence back up, grabbed a beer, and hit my chair. Spence sat on my left, and leaned his head on my leg. Put my hand on his ear, and he buzzed that purr of his, and lightly thumped his tail. We listened to the rain, until it faded out.

That was pretty close to the last time we felt peaceful.

Thinkin’ that ‘they’ might want to collect on their spendin’, and scoop up Spence. Yeah, well, fellas. Gonna have to go thru me first. Ima thinkin’ we two gonna hit the road. Dunno where to yet, but ‘they’ probably got the shack already nailed down. Also thinkin’ about that buzzard.

Next day, shit to do. Told Spence to guard the shack, and I’d be back. He chuffed and ima sure that was his version of an eye-roll. Walked down to the highway. Waved down the bus. Took that to the city (the other direction from town), and bought a new-to-me truck, with a camper shell on the back. Figgered that would give Spence some cover from all the lookie-loos.

Once I was back home, towed the trusty old truck out to the back-country, for a hero’s funeral. Couple less incendiaries. At least this time, didn’t need to walk back. Yep, could still see that circlin’ bird. Like that paintin’ ... this is not a pipe, and that ain’t no buzzard. Spence was chasin’ jack-rabbits again. I stopped the truck.

‘Spence!’ He spun around and come runnin’ back. ‘Hey bud. Ima thinkin’ you understand me a lot more than you used to. See that?’ I kinda pointed up the bird’s way. Spence’s head tracked the lazy circles for a bit, and then he looked back at me, head cocked. ‘Yep. Ima thinkin’ we on borrowed time. Those ‘they’ fellas are watchin’.’ He thought on that, and gave me a chuff. ‘Time to go, old fella’.’ He didn’t make a sound this time. Just cocked his head, like he does... and then walking over and givin’ me a head bump on my leg. Understood that perfect. I opened up the door, and he jumped in the back of the double-cab.

Got back home, and started packin’ up.

Got my back-country hikin’ gear. Packed some boxes with non-perishables. Loaded up the jugs of water I already had. Wrapped up our little armory in some tarps. Stowed that laptop and the other gear in my pack. Made sure my scatter-gun was loaded and handy. Was just finishing securing ever’thin’ down, when Spence made his chitter sound, looking back towards the road to the highway.

‘Goddammit, guess we outta time, bud. You stay here, in the truck. Let’s see what these assholes are up to.’

<chuff>

It looked to be one of the staties’ prowlers. I got no problem with the real authorities, but I made sure my sawed-off was in easy, hidden reach.

Prowler pulled to a stop. Could see two folks inside. In my experience with the staties, there’s usually only one per car. Somethin’ is not right here.

They both got out. ‘Good afternoon, sir.’

‘Afternoon officers, can I help you fellas?’

‘Yessir. We are out here, working with the rangers, letting people know that there is a very dangerous wild animal in the area. Have you noticed any signs? Any lost livestock? Pets? Anything like that?’

The one talkin’ was bein’ real calm and reassurin’ and walkin’ over easy like, with a nice, friendly grin. The other one was kinda off to the side, movin’ slow and steady, kinda like he was tryin’ to flank me... lookin’ everywhere but at me. Noticed that their sidearms were not the standard statie issue, but more like smaller versions of the Stooges’ weapons, with extended magazines. This is not a pipe, and these ain’t staties.

From where they was at, they couldn’t get a clear view of Spence, but he saw them. I could see him trackin’ their progress from the corner of my eye.

‘Well sir, don’t have any livestock to speak of. Was out hikin’ some today. Didn’t see no varmints bigger than a jack-rabbit.’ Was edgin’ my hand over to the sawed-off.

The chatty one smiled bigger, and started to reply, when the sneaky one finally got to where he saw Spence. He grabbed at his shoulder mike, and they both reached down for their weapons, but they never had a chance. I was spinning behind the truck, grabbin’ my scatter-gun, but I never even got it pulled.

I knew Spence was fast, but the last time he did this, I didn’t see the details. My buddy Spence is a beautiful goddamn chrome murder machine.

Spence went right through the side window of the camper shell. He tore into Sneaky, snipped both hands off clean, and slashed his throat deep, all in one move. Sneaky dropped, no sound but wet chokin’. Never even keyed the mike. Spence was over on Smiley in less than a heartbeat, before he could even get turned. Spence took that gunhand clean, and dropped ol’ Smiley on his back, and held him there, front paws on his shoulders, with the claws slid in for purchase, pressin’ down. Spence smiled, if you can call a mouthful of steely razors smilin’.

It was quiet, ‘cept for Spence’s metallic chirr, and Smiley’s sobs, as he clutched the stub with his remaining hand, ghost white face locked on Spence.

I walked over with my scatter-gun on my shoulder. Put a hand on Spence’s head and rubbed that ear. He thumped my leg once with his tail, not moving anything else.

Knelt down a little off to the side, up by Smiley’s head.

‘Son, meet Spence. Now, you and me? We gonna have us a little come-to-Jesus meetin’.’

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