#god. GOD. i am SO SAD. MY BABY. I AM SO SAD | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

daycourtofficial · 1 day

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Personal update below

Tw: pregnancy loss, miscarriage, blood

Here it is, the words I’ve been unable to type, much less say out loud. Late in the night a few nights ago, I woke up to some abdominal cramping and went to the bathroom. I had been bleeding vaginally all day, but not enough to be super concerned.

I woke up and went to the bathroom, and knew something was wrong. To spare the details, I was bleeding a lot, cramping severely, and I knew my baby was gone. I felt empty inside, despite only being about 7 or 8 weeks pregnant. Intuition, I suppose. I just felt so lonely, as if I wasn’t supposed to be the only occupant in my body.

My husband took me to the hospital and after hours of invasive poking, prodding, and testing, a nurse practitioner I will likely never see again, who will likely never think of me again, told me that my baby was gone. He was straight forward, which I like in medical personnel. He told me my pregnancy was unviable and that it’s common. That we shouldn’t worry. These things happen. It’s normal, common. The three or so minutes felt like an eternity, waiting for him to leave so I could fall apart in the privacy of my husband’s arms, despite the lack of privacy an emergency department offers.

The hospital was so sterile, the bright lights and lack of windows made it impossible for you to track the passage of time. The winding hallways a maze of monotony, making it impossible to know how to return to your room without a guide. The walls were devoid of any real color, save for tv screens and workplace posters. And yet, the room I was placed in was the only room with decorative curtains. All the other curtains were just a shade of navy.

Mine had flowers on it, as if the world or God or the hospital wanted to offer me some reprieve, some reminder that for the hospital, this was routine, but that it wasn’t routine for me. That I deserved something for my eyes to find comfort in.

So here it is, the new reality I find myself in. My baby is gone. The rare statement that, once it becomes true, will never change.

I’m reeling a bit from this loss, as you can imagine. I’m gutted. I got married right at the beginning of the year, falling pregnant not long after. I joked with my husband that I started the year off becoming a wife and was ending the year becoming a mom. I suppose it really was just a joke in the end, but I’m not sure if the punchline was me or my continued optimism, in spite all that I’ve endured.

Anyway, everyone was extraordinarily kind to me when I had posted that I was pregnant. I know that technically I don’t owe anyone details of my personal life, especially not this personal, but I wanted to share it because I don’t want to be sad and alone. And perhaps this will find its way to someone else who has felt some loss recently, whether it be the loss of someone or something, or a loss of self or identity, or a loss of the future you had planned out. Maybe they will feel some connection to this. Or maybe one day someone will think of this as they reel with their own loss.

I don’t regret sharing the news so early, despite the circumstances that have now led me to making this post. Any joy we can find is worth sharing, even if it’s fleeting, especially if it’s fleeting, and even if it’s for some stranger on the internet.

Anyway, I have my dogs and my husband, who are very loving. I’m not sure when I’ll post this, I’ll likely stick it in my queue somewhere so it feels less like I’m hitting the ‘post’ button and more like softly whispering all of this in the wind.

I will be okay, I always am. Grief is a black hole I am trying navigate and figure out where it ends and I begin, trying to remember what my new life will be like and how to grieve yet another version of myself lost to time and trauma and sadness.

There is no narrative device here, nothing I did could’ve changed the outcome. Sometimes the world is just needlessly cruel.

This doesn’t really affect anything on here or what I choose to interact with. I’m still okay discussing/reading/writing about babies and kids and everything in that realm. I just didn’t want anyone asking after the baby and making someone feel bad for wanting to know how I was doing.

Anyway, I don’t want to end this on a despairing note, even though that is the tune of my life at the moment. I want to remember that my now is not my forever, and I hope anyone reading this that is experiencing any manner of suffering takes as much out of that sentiment as I do.

Yours,

V ❤️

#personal note

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princess-of-the-corner · 17 hours

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Sorry, just discovered your public knowledge au, its hilarious. I think 'realistically' I like the Only Miraculous wielders & whoever they tell knows version as it could feel a bit less cracky though it'd still beg why they don't bring other heroes in to collectively stomp Gabriel as they know his location. Though that just has me imagining him palming it off on his various rich friends like a hot potato. Anyway two main thoughts:

`1: For the just Holders know AU, Gabriel owns up to his motives right away & almost convinces the kids. Except Fu shows up & reveals that its basically a monkeys paw and more people will die if he makes is wish. Gabriel insists he s smart enough to work around that (He also just doesn't care) but Tikki & Plagg are like, "Literally we have no control over this, it goes to shit every single time, sorry."

In essence, its his ego and control freak nature that mean Gabriel refuses to give up even when he and everyone else know he should quit. Its probably kind of a sad/rough start for Adrien especially, but also leads to very quick positive vibes with Marinette & more direct mentorship.

2: Rogercop be like

Chloe: Well, seeing as you won't do your damn job, how about our classes two super heroes show you up? Adrien: I am one hundred percent down for that except I can't find Plagg! Marinette: Ya know I've wanted to try this anyway, Luck Charm! (Gets a Plagg doll with his head snuck in the bracelet) Well that answers that.

Later

Tikki: How did you even get stuck we can phase through soli matter.., Oh this is interesting and maybe concerning. Chloe: What can it do magic, is it a Miraculous? Plagg: Well its tied to a Miraculous, where'd you find this?

Chloe: Back of my mothers cupboard? Andre: You aren't meant to have that (Tries to snatch) Chloe: Why, what is it!? Can it do magic?

Andre: If by magic you mean mind control you- don't break it you'll explode! Chloe: Why do you own a mind controlling bracelet that only works on me and kills me if it breaks and why was it in a fucking dust covered pile of half forgotten trash!? Andre: ... Its your mot- Gabriel's fault, blame him, now I have a meeting to get to bye! (Runs away)

Butterflies appear Adrien: Dad, glad you could... Make it. Gabriel: Well I am here now, also the Amok's treatment is very much 'not' my fault, it is like that because your parents don't love you.

Adrien: DAD! Gabriel: I am a magical empath son, I know it to be true, your mother and I were much more careful with your Amok & sealed it away so it could never be used against you or damaged. Those two tossed it in a cupboard once they realized it couldn't just rewrite a babies personality, or any personality, to not need things like food or affection, if they hadn't already made the announcement they'd have probably smashed it or given it away. Gabriel: By it I mean Chloe.

Chloe: Oh... (Uses the Amok to turn herself 'off' IE pass out) Gabriel: Dammit, I was hoping the truth would cause her to explode in a rage never before seen and become my most powerful Akuma! I can't even use this self destructive self loathing, she's too depressed to even transform! (Leaves)

Honestly this started out kind of funny then I made myself sad.

Gabriel: I wonder if I should mention the sister they had made as a replacement. That one didn't turn out how they wanted either but they did skip the baby phase.

GOD the chaos there.

But also yeah the AU is mostly crack because tbh I can't see an identity reveal happening that doens't immediately lead to an ending one way or another.

But also OOF.

#public knowledge au

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clawbehavior · 15 hours

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zero context WIP game! thanks for the tags @killerandhealerqueen and @fourth-quartet 🥰🥰

i'm playing fast and easy with the rules of this one (which you can find here). instead, you'll find numbered snippets from a bunch of WIPs i am 75-90 per cent done but ambivalent about which to update first. gahan readers, what interests you most?

1. even gods can't change the past

gaon stares listlessly at the stickers lining the base of the night lamp. despite repeated disinfectings, they haven't come off, dinosaurs, trucks, sparkly muffins. things he had put there to make their hospital stay livelier.

'i guess we're even now,' soohyun says, quiet and mostly to herself.

gaon thinks for a while. 'chief jo?' he guesses. soohyun had a girlish fascination with her mentor that in turn made the normally gruff man go tongue tied.

'what -- no. jishin,' she says as if this explains anything. when gaon looks over at his wife sitting on the bed beside him, she looks guilty, sad, and relieved. the guilt is most prominent.

'what --' says gaon, having to swallow because his mouth is suddenly dry. 'are you talking about?'

----

2. unnamed modern strangers in a bar au

the stranger backs gaon up until he hits the brick wall behind them, none too gently. but the man pays no attention to this. he looks at gaon with desire both ferocious and unyielding.

'this husband of yours,' says the stranger angrily, sliding his hands into gaon's thick hair and keeping them there. 'you talk about him like he walks on water but he's only a man.'

'he's my world,' replies gaon breathlessly, eyes fixed on the man's mouth. then the stranger is kissing him.

---

3. omega spin-off of enantiomers

gaon spins in yohan's arms so they're back to chest, before sensuously dragging himself down yohan's front until he's crouched at yohan's feet. yohan's hands tighten around his when gaon looks up at him from the floor, smilingly and with heat.

'that look is why i put a baby inside you the first time around,' yohan says, stroking gaon's hands. there's a hint of warning to his tone. and desperation. he can't be held responsible for what he does if gaon keeps this up.

gaon laughs delightedly.

of course, that's when the bedroom emits a wail that filters down the hallway and into the living room.

4. everything everywhere all at once

soohyun's eyebrows go up in shock. 'you still love him,' she says accusingly. 'not just that -- you want to go back to him. your parents died because of kang yohan!' she yells this last part, stomping her feet in enraged helplessness.

'good people die without good reason,' gaon replies, feeling his cheeks redden.

she looks at gaon like he's grown another head. 'are you listening to yourself right now? you'll forgive kang yohan, and for what? he broke your heart. you were devastated for weeks!'

'i'm not selfless, soohyun-yah. not like you,' gaon replies, voice cracking. he searches for the words, pulling them from deep inside him. 'after appa died, i kept the restaurant open to prove that i could. helping people came after. but i can't do it anymore. i can't keep dragging on like everything is normal when seeing how fucked up everything is is destroying me.'

soohyun visibly swallows her words, letting gaon finish.

'i hurt,' gaon whispers, 'all the time. i'm so angry. it's like looking into an abyss but now it looks back at me. being with yohan makes me feel safe, like i'll survive this. like there's more to living than just pain.'

soohyun hunches over at the knees and hugs herself. 'why does it have to be kang yohan?' she says miserably.

'i don't know.' gaon approaches, choreographing his intent. he pulls her into a hug when she doesn't resist. 'it's fucked up. i'm fucked up but i miss him terribly.'

'what if he breaks your heart again?' she sniffles against gaon's chest, voice going flat with inevitability.

'he might,' gaon admits, squeezing her in final consolation. 'but i'll go my whole life regretting it if i don't try.'

5. elevator troubles

‘bujangnim?’ gaon asks, knocking on the heavy wooden door for appearance’s sake before striding in. but yohan’s not there.

the sound of his harsh breathing fills the office. he makes his way over to where late afternoon sunlights spills through the floor to ceiling windows and stares at the traffic twenty stories below, tiny trucks and tinier people.

he's livid. if he could, he would shatter every single window of this ministry building with the frequency of his rage.

a hand slips over his eyes, cooling their heat and blocking his vision. a body follows behind.

‘shhh,’ rumbles yohan in gaon’s ear, moulding himself around gaon, silken wool and heat and support everywhere. his other hand lands on gaon's chest, over gaon's fast beating heart.

gaon’s only reaction is a hitch in his breathing. his muscles remain tightly coiled, his hands clenched in fists at his sides.

'he told me that my parents would be proud of me for doing the right thing,' gaon says with long pauses between into the red blackness. 'when he -- when he was the one who helped doh young choon --' he breaks off with a stifled sound, enraged.

yohan's joyless chuckle rumbles through gaon's body. 'min jung ho is a viper.' his inflection doesn't change when gaon grabs his wrist. 'down to his venomous words.'

'what gives him the right,' gasps gaon, eyes turning wet with frustrated tears under yohan's palm. he presses back into yohan's body.

'none,' says yohan simply. 'just as he has no right to dispense justice.'

'i want to hurt him, so, so badly,' gaon confesses, pulling yohan's hand away.

‘we will,’ says yohan.

future promises aren't enough. gaon whirls around. 'now, yohan.' he pushes the unresisting older man backwards until yohan's thighs hit the heavy oak table. 'i want to destroy him now.'

---

6. my heart goes back to you, i just don't know

trigger warning, beware.

jung sunah pulls gaon’s face up with a fistful of silky, dark hair. gaon’s pupils are blown wide. yohan catches a peek of red tongue as gaon swallows, sweat beading along the younger man’s temple. yohan knows this expression from when he looked into the mirror all those weeks ago after jung sunah had ambushed him.

she drugged gaon.

yohan watches with a foreboding feeling as jung sunah simply stares at gaon. the hunger on her face is…not good. she cocks her head, hand traveling to gaon’s panting mouth. yohan watches her fit two perfectly manicured fingers, nails painted rouge into the seam of gaon’s mouth; feels somehow worse when gaon doesn’t resist.

‘he’s nothing! a means to an end,‘ barks yohan. he sounds affected because he is. he knows what’s happening here, what jung sunah is making him a bystander to.

she ignores this. ‘you know, i never liked giving blowjobs,’ she says conversationally. ‘they’re demeaning. the power differential is obvious. men enjoy it.’ she tilts gaon’s face up using the fingers in his mouth.

gaon pants heavily, eyelashes turning wet as he blinks slow and hard. ‘seeing kim pansanim on his knees makes me understand the appeal of it.’

‘is that why you brought him here?’ yohan asks, thinking quickly. ‘to get to me?’

‘you put your hand on his shoulder on live television,’ she replies in a faraway voice, but yohan can read her now.

tagging @technitango @tenderlywicked @rocknghorss @thedeviljudges @briwates @mid-n0vember @eyesof-kkomi feel free to pass ofc and if you are a writer who enjoys being tagged, lmk so i can include you in the future

#the devil judge #gahan #my fic ideas #my ficlets #asks game #writers ask game #moots

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eerna · 7 months

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"Thanks for listening. For existing. Love you."

#KARLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACHHHHHHHHHHHHH #KARLACH BABY I SWEAR I WANT TO HELP YOU SO BAD I JSUT DON'T KNOW HOW I DON'T KNOW IF I MISSED SOMETHING I DON'T KNOOOOOOWWWWW #god. GOD. i am SO SAD. MY BABY. I AM SO SAD #bg3 liveblog

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 3 months

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i live a healthy, balanced life. i eat a bowl of ramen for breakfast, a microwaved burrito for dinner, and then at 2 am i devour an entire head of lettuce

#and baby. its 2 am #LETTUCE TIME!!!#its so fresh and crisp...#ohhhhh maybe ill get myself some ranch to dip it in....#the ideal evening is watching a sad show while doodling and lettucing #absolutely unprompted #my body: vegetable... please..... one vegetable #me: burrito?#my body: no.... vegetable...#me: uhhhh Soup?#my body: oh god im begging you... a vegetable...#me: ohhhhh i see. So Much Lettuce All At Once #my body - sobbing: what the fuck #FUCK IT WE BALL!!!!

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mag200 · 1 year

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its cause youre always in those damn archives

#tma #jonblogging #i am in the Trenches right now with him #season 5 is so. its soooooooo. oh my fucking god.#my baby boy my sad sweet demigod of voyeuristic terror ily

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satans-knitwear · 2 months

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WISH HER A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! THE BELOVED AND BENEVOLENT QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE IS NINE TODAY!!!!

#HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SWEET BABY BELLE #I am so sad that she is poorly on her birthday so I can't give her a special yummy dinner but I shall cook her more plain chicken and rice.#My tiny munchkin has grown so much and she deserves the world and i will fight gods for her tbh

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shima-draws · 2 months

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WAIT YOURE A MOTHER 3 FAN TOO????? BEST BLOGGER ON THIS WEBSITE FR FR

NJDASNJKDAS YEAH YEAH for the few people who have known me long enough to know my Origin Story. I actually joined tumblr ten years ago as a Mom 3 ask blog :") It literally was the Start of my online presence here and I hold it so near and dear to my heart 🥰

#I will always be a Mom 3 fan at heart. That was my ORIGIN baby #I had that ask blog before I even had THIS blog #Which I'm p sure turns ten next month. GOD.#Anyway asktwinheroes started in January of 2014 I believe. So yeah. A DECADE ago #Which is INSANE to me #Anyway I love Mom 3 so so so much it's such a brilliant game #It's funny and charming and heartbreakingly sad sometimes #I bawled my EYES out at the ending. The first time I played it my mom literally thought smth was wrong #She was like ARE YOU OKAY ARE YOU HURT??#Me: C-C-CLAUSSSSS 😭😭😭#Claus still remains one of my comfort characters and one of my FAVORITE characters in all of media of all time.#PERIODT!!!#ANYWAY yeah I am a Mother 3 fan...to put it lightly...LOL #Shima answers questions #Mother 3 #Mother series

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user1286 · 1 year

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Kratos was as stoic as ever to the untrained eye, but if you looked closer, you could barely see the tightening of his jaw, the small twitch of his eye, or the way his muscles hardly tensed. His cold eyes held the smallest amount of helplessness like Mimir’s as he dragged the screaming boy behind him.

Atreus though is the one who stole the show. Fat tears ran down his face, snot dripped from his nose and his face was a bright cherry red as he uselessly kicked his legs behind him. He clawed at his father’s tight hold on his wrist and let out a scream like sob as he struggled behind the man.

“NO! Nooohhooh. I-I don’t want one! Please” Atreus screamed, his shrill shriek making Mimir wince. Kratos refused to acknowledge the boy as he approached Brok and Sindri, leaving Atreus to bawl his little soul out behind the men.

I I fucking aggressively love this fic it is just so funny and so beautiful at the end I can’t stop re reading it.

I have a wip on the ending bc I love it, my only issue is I’m losing motivation on it, but at the same time, I could post like a very rushed/sketchy version of it, but idk, a any thoughts anyone????? Idk 🤷

#Kratos #Atreus #gow #god of war #the fucking beautiful adorable little pollito Atreus precious baby #srry baby fevers been hitting for literally zero reason #u guys didn't need to know that but idc honestly #gow fic recommendation #especially if ur in love with tender father son moments #I love them💕💕😍😍🤩🤩😎😎#also i am experimenting with colors :D #I’m having fun with it ngl #just some goofy little sketchis #my poopis #tbh tho Atreus is actually pr ugly and I appreciate that a lot #especially with his resting miserable face it's so fucking hilarious #mostly bc I have a resting sad face WKJDKEHDKSHD #srry for so many tags i literally cannot stop rambling help

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abstractmelons · 4 months

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episode 9 of the terror is one of the best pieces of television ever produced, i truly feel physically unwell for the entire duration. i cry and i cry and its horrible and so lonely and yet so full of love.

#im hungry and i want to live #fuck my life #yer man who plays hickey does such a good fucking job #ive never hated anyone more #i fucking despise him #the c the c the open c #the lad who plays tozier is so fucking good as well #the soul bit #weeping #anyway i think about the real life situation and the peglar papers and i cry #i am so sad #i am sad and making myself sadder #slayyyyyy!!!!!#dont think whout current events lest u cry more #my nonsense #the terror #rewatching baby #god and fucking jopson.

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winepresswrath · 9 months

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I do gotta say tho, even tho I’m mad at aziraphale because he’s being a terrible boyfriend like what you said about the “I forgive you like” because WHAT. But also I really like the way the show really demonstrates the underlying cruelty of heaven and it’s angels. Really shows the hypocrisy of a group of beings who are supposed to do good, especially aziraphale who really buys into the heaven propaganda, who hurts people, particularly the person who means the most to him. Because like you said he fully just takes advantage of that devotion Crowley has for him. Insane, this shwo makes me INSANE

I missed this anon and yeah! The angels were one of my favourite parts of the season, and I think the strongest element aside from Neil Gaiman deciding he's just a simple man who wants to put his otp in situations. They are deeply awful and I kind of love them. They are the exact kind of moralizing hypocrites who are callous and cruel precisely because they think being on team good means everything they do is justified and it's actually impossible for them to be in the wrong (they're angels! is it even possible for them to do the wrong thing?).

but!! To me, they also seem like they're basically kids? Obviously they're not literally children, but there is this very consistent reoccurring joke about how childish/sheltered/immature they are. Muriel is the most obvious example, but the archangels come off like bratty twelve year olds to her sweet little kid.

Gabriel is basically teenager in love flipping off his family as he runs away with his backstreet guy. Uriel is constantly picking at Michael, Michael is playing at being in charge like it's a game, and it's ridiculously easy for both Aziraphale and Crowely to trick them obvious half assed lies. They're not allowed to ask questions! The Metatron treats them like badly behaved kids out past their curfew. At any point an old man with a beard may pop up to scold them and send them home, and they're all scared of doing something wrong by his standards and getting in trouble with this guy who is pointedly not God but who lines up exactly with the pop-culture idea of god the father, and who offers Aziraphale, among other things, a respite from the hard work of figuring out what the right thing to do is for himself. It's fine! You don't have to question the belief system you were born into or make a painful break with everything you've ever known! Aziraphale has had six thousand years on earth to grow up, but the other angels have been sitting in a sterile white box playing "i'm not touching you" games with each other and filing paperwork.

And I think that's extra interesting because this season also really emphasizes:

Heaven has Institutional Problems

Aziraphale isn't the only angel who's unhappy in heaven. Gabriel and Muriel were both completely miserable. They just didn't understand that they were unhappy because they'd never experienced anything else.

Angels who aren't Aziraphale can change and grow! There's very explicitly Gabriel being changed by love and Muriel growing up a bit on earth, and from a more fan-theory angle there's also Jimbriel, who I think is probably basically Gabriel minus the war and six thousand years of playing referee for Michael and Uriel while unleashing an assortment of plague and calamities on earth because that's God's will! Buck up champ.

We also get Gabriel and Beezelebub talking about how their underlings basically live for Armageddon, "if you can call that living." This is so bleak. They've all been on a six thousand year time out just dreaming of the day they get to beat the shit out of each other until they feel better, but it won't work because eternity is just more of the box.

Anyway I think it's going in a distinctly eden adjacent direction. Aziraphale is going to tempt those angels with knowledge and the capacity for change. I have veered so far from your ask anon i'm sorry you're right heaven really went all out on sucking this season & while Crowley and Aziraphale are both fucking it up Crowley refrains from being spectacularly cruel to Aziraphale about it and Aziraphale should learn to return the favour. I forgive you!! I forGIVE you. I forgive YOU. "you can be an angel again" is actually a worse thing to say than "you're a demon. i don't even like you." when he finally picks crowley over heaven i'm going to lose my mind.

#good omens spoilers #good omens season two spoilers #idk it makes me sad that i didn't like the humans very much this season because i think ideally they're central to this whole how to be #a person question i also hope we get to see more of hell next season because i do think they're stuck in basically the same place #with a different aesthetic! and the stick being #thrown into a torture pit instead of thrown into hell #or like. mindwiped and locked in an office for all eternity #gabriel broke my heart which is embarrassing but when he goes from not even understanding what music is to experiencing #the simple pleasure of sharing a song with someone for the very first time and almost immediately hits repeat for eternity... baby. baby bo #i would also like more crowley! this was very much the season of aziraphale #which is fine but i missed him yelling questions at god and the bits where it seemed he really wanted aziraphale's opinion instead of just #wanting aziraphale to develop better opinions #next season had better be crowley wrestles with the universe i am telling you!!!#remember three months ago when i was like eh... another good omens season #i bet it'll be cute but i'm content with my book #i don't go here i said strapping on my clown shoes #seriously though i do think crowley is scared to admit to wanting to be good both because god rejected him and he doesn't want #to be a sucker for her (he is only interested in being a sucker for aziraphale)#and like. chase after something he's barred from and has already been told isn't for him.#and that's why it's so hard for him to admit even to himself that he too would be unhappy ditching earth #in ways that parallel aziraphale's unwillingness to let go of heaven as a source of moral authority and goodness #but the way aziraphale goes oh no! i cannot trust my own judgement and desires. They are suspect!#my judgement is that crowley is good and also funny and sexy. my desires are for his company and also his body #therefore the source of these desires is also maybe bad. i mean he's a demon. he's got to be bad #right??? but no. but i saw him do a good thing. but maybe i didn't? I should probably take a stance on this.#and he makes this crowley's problem until the apocalypse but then the second he gets the chance to cram crowley and his feelings for him #back in a heaven approved box he jumps at it in a way that requires just being WILDLY insensitive and dismissive of crowley's feelings #he's not just being a dick about their relationship he is being a dick about crowley as a person. and he should know better but is choosing #not to because he wants the easy out so badly. anyway i love him he was my favourite character all season no notes #good omens

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corfisers · 5 months

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i really need to finish this one day

#one of my fave ideas but i keep getting stuck or starting over. third time's the charm hopefully #anyways. posting it as an excuse to rant because i'm losing my mind over this rn for no reason #incoherent but i just need to Talk or my brain won't shut up #you ever think about how fucked up it is that aoi feels guilty over what happened. i do. i think about her a lot #he can't even look at me. we aren't even blood related but he still had to go to jail because of me. i still love him #in reality none of it is her fault. it shouldn't be about doumeki in the first place. baby girl you were 15 when it happened.#you can say that yashiro is cruel in his dismissiveness (on the surface) of doumeki's trauma but you can see where he's coming from #you got a glimpse of what your sister was going through? of what i went through? and now you're sooo guilty over it? and who does it help?#doumeki's so focused on his own feelings that he ignored aoi when they were living together. “saves” her by pure chance #proceeds to focus on his guilt and ignore her again. if yashiro didn't get involved she'd be sitting in the rain for god knows how long #yet she still loves and to some degree idolizes him #yashiro and aoi both saying that doumeki isn't the type of person to be a yakuza too. doumeki's good doumeki's better than that #and then ch 24 happens. where yashiro says that he's going to throw up and doumeki's response is “i probably won't stop even if you do”#“guess i am like my father after all” and yashiro still goes “you're not. you're pure and im the problem”#(touches doumeki's face. rare gentle gesture. he's gentle afterwards too before leaving. man.)#he's not cruel enough to repeat what he said in the earlier conversation and he doesn't actually believe it anyway #but i wish yashiro was cruel there. it shouldn't have been about doumeki and his feelings. again.#something about yashiro throwing a knife at another person and it flying back at him huh #for all the talk about how doumeki supposedly romanticizes yashiro it really is the other way around. always has been #which is a whole other conversation but yeah. everything about aoi and yashiro in relation to doumeki makes me so fucking sad #but this is also what i mean when i say that aoi doesn't haunt the narrative per se but still has this weird presence?#she's in the parallels. she's in the brief but important mentions. she's in the “your sister was lucky she had you”.#wips tag

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boxwinebaddie · 2 months

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Is Chef alive? Like please tell me that man is still out there living his best life.

chef is...Alive.

but i wouldn't say he's living his best life, no.

( sigh...tw for sexual assault, coercion and violence )

so basically, when stan figured out that e.t. tenorman was cartman, which, an anon asked if if stan knows e is cartman...yes, he does.

and all too well.

his music savant boy synesthesia went crazy when cartman started talking the first time they reunited and he couldn't place why this man he'd never met before sounded oddly familliar and why...

his voice sounded like the worst sound in the world.

but he didn't need to wait long for his answer, because right before their first big band meeting ended and all the music/marketing execs, scott, jimmy and kenny left the room, cartman caught stan by his shirt front, yanked him violently towards him and whispered...

"hello, shannon." ;)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCK YOU!!!!

so basically cartman is black-mailing ravenstan into being complaint and doing whatever he wants and honestly, more than telling people that raven is stan...e knows that stan doesn't care about himself, he doesn't care about getting hurt/what happens to him...but that the way to hurt him...

is by hurting other people.

specifically the people he cares about.

so when ravenstan tries to back out of the band bc fuck this, who cares if it's his dream, it's not worth this...it's fucking not.

so stan is like "what. do. you. want."

and cartman is like..."what i've always wanted, of course..."

"your compliance, your undying devotion..."

"your body."

AAAAAAAAAAAA I HATE YOU I HAAATE YOU

i want to Scream, oh my GOOOOD!!!!! FUCK YOU

and then he's basically like "here's the deal, sh@n..."

( he misgenders stan a lot by the way...please die )

"either you give me what i want, whatever i want, whenever i want or else everyone around you, all the stupid, silly little people you love...will suffer for your spite and disobedience. is that clear?"

and stan just rolls his eyes like "fuck you, cartman. you're all talk; that's all you've ever been. all bark no bite, you fucking purse perro."

and cartman is like..."oh?" takes his phone out, dials a number & says

"do it."

and about ten minutes later, kenny calls him and is like

"stan??? S-STAN??? ARE YOU THERE???"

"DAD HAS BEEN SHOT."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCKFUCKFUFKC

and stan is crying and screaming like "oh my god, oh my god, fuckfuckfuck!!!!! is-is he okay...ken, is he--is he--"

glaring at cartman, ready to lunge, shocked, horrified...

Disgusted.

and ken replies "no...no he's...he's alive. it was just his shoulder, but, oh my god, stan--holy FUCK. we have--we have to go see him, stan!!"

and stan wants to tell them it's this PINCHE PENDEJO CARTMAN who terrorized him his whole childhood, but cartman just shakes his head and mouthes 'no' then lifts his finger to say 'shh' and then takes that same finger and runs it across his throat as if to say...

'talk and i'll kill him.'

so stan's face crumples bc he's Helpless and he has no choice, so he just chokes back a sob and is like 'no, we can't. we have this record deal. we have to sign the contract tomorrow. it's—it’s important."

and kenny is aghast like "mORE IMPORTANT THAN DAD ALMOST DYING??? STAN!!! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING, FUCK THAT WE HAVE TO SEE DAD, WE HAVE TO--"

and stan just goes "We’re. Not. Going." and hangs up.

cartman snickers and smirks and stan's face's so mad and sad. he wants to scream like this is so fkn horrible this is his worst nightmare

...then chef calls him.

dad.

the only dad he's ever known.

and cartman just smiles and goes

"tell him you hate him and you never want to see him again."

and stan is shaking his head, he's practically pleading, shouting

"nonoNONONO!!! anything. pl-please don't make me do this, p-ple--"

but cartman simply commands

"or else."

so chef on the phone is like "h-hey, blue. look, i'm okay, i'm okay. don't cry, i know how you are kid. i'm gonna be alright, it's gonna take more than some dumb bullet to put your old man in the ground. the whole thing was so odd...? they think it was...a stray bullet. crossfire. gang stuff. you know how it is out here. but it just 'minded me of how short life can be, how fast things can go. so don't worry. and i know...i know i was cross with you and ken for leaving. i know i said it was a useless dream and you two would come home all heartbroken with your tails between your legs...but you're making a real name for yourself! well, a fake one, i suppose, hah. but i just wanted to say...that i'm real proud of you, kiddo. and i--i miss you.

i love you, stanley."

and stan's just listening, crying wordlessly, clutching his phone so hard that his knuckles go white and all he wants to do is tell his dad he loves him and he's sorry, he's so fucking sorry, this is all his fault, this is all his fucking fault like always, for dreaming to big and being oblivious and a fuck up and getting everyone wrapped up in his mess

but he can't...so in a deadpan with his eyes shut, all he says is

"i hate you."

and chef's like "haha, real funny, stan. but if you're tryna hurt my heart to distract me from my shoulde--"

and stan just interrupts him in the same terse, robotic voice.

choking back sobs and screams, shaking so hard he can't see.

"listen to me. i never...i never want to speak to you again. ken...ken feels the same. don't call me. or them. don't call here ever again. ever. don't try and reach out, don't look for us. things are different now."

and chef is so confused and sad and scared like he literally just got shot and somehow this is worse...this is so much work. so with his heart breaking in his voice, he says...

"is that...is that really want you want, son?"

and stan just goes...

"it's..."

and he can barely say it, holy fuck. but he does and it's

"what i want."

but that's not all.

oh, no, my friends.

because it's time for the big finish.

the stan finale.

ravenstan grits his teeth, tears and blood in his mouth, then says

"and i'm not your son.

you're not...

...you're not my real dad.

never have, never will be.

goodbye."

and clicks off and FUCK. it's not true, it's all a fucking lie. but he needed to say something that hurt so badly that his dad wouldn't call him again...something so excruciating that it would end it all.

and cartman just gives him a round of applause while stan is sneering and seething and sobbing because he just had to do the second worst thing he's ever done in his life and cartman is...

clapping and cheering.

it's sick.

and cartman's like "bravo. that was quite the performance, marsh. you're quite the little actress, aren't you?"

AAAAAAAAAAAA I'M SO MAD!!! DIEDIEDIIIIE

this is all part of a very horrible flashback chapter way in the future and i will say that it ends...with cartman telling him to do something, the awful sound of his belt unbuckling...

and stan's knees hitting the floor.

I'M SICK!!!!! AAAA!!! and it's so horrible because it's his whole life, it's his dad all over again ( yes, i'm disgusted ) and him threatening to punish shelley and sharon if he doesn't comply, it's all the horrible men at ruffians, their horrible, hungry hands and mouths and stares all over him so he could sing on fridays. and now it's being indebted to cartman, being trapped again, forced to do disgusting shit. Again.

one bird cage to the next...who cares if it's golden, right?

but yeah, the boys get signed, everyone is super excited and stan's like yay...yippee...this is so fun. kenny, ofc, thinks that chef just cut ties, decided he doesn't support their dreams and that's that. also the other boys slowly get coerced by cartman in different ways...i will say that kenny is super addicted to coke and cartman is basically using that to control them and keep them disillusioned and devoted.

one last thing is that during marj's party in the cd manwhorsion during my second favorite chapter, cartman is talking to kyle and the blondies haus and is like 'i see you've met my songbird...pretty isn't she? well trained too. sings whenever i ask, isn't that right, raven?'

and idk his hand is like halfway up raven's shirt and raven is just laughing and nodding looking so ready to die, downing his drink.

and once he gets away, raven is bolting for the door and kyle's super concerned like 'hey...are you okay? that guy...i don't like the way that guy was talking to you." super protective crush mode jersey activate.

and stan's just like "don't, kyle. it's fine. i-i'm fine...."

and kyle is like "you don't--you don't look fine, raven...you look..."

and stan, who never raises his voice is like

"I SAID LEAVE. IT. ALONE. JERSEY.”

and storms out.....aaaaaaaaaa fuck we're in hell.

anyways! cheers! mazel! enjoy your horrible, deplorable, hurt no comfort lore that makes me want to literally Krill Myself.

-uncle nina, who is going to murder rm!cartman w/ my bare hands

#okay please don't read this post if you are at all uncomfortable with the tw topics or dark themes in general #unfortunately rm is not pep and while pep is dark...this fanfic is very fucked up v bad things happen to it and to the ppl we luv #god the way stan just continues to be trapped in horrible situations that make him sick and has no agency and is a marinette #i hate everything so bad he is just literally doomed i love him so much he sacrifices so much for everyone around him #my sweet sweet lovely kind angel boy #you don't deserve any of this i'm so sorry my love #oh my god i'm so fucking sad why am i like this #i couldn't just write a NICE fanfiction like man COME ON #oh i just know when kyle finds out its so over #like he is going to beat him bloody #everyone who has ever laid a hand on stanley marsh is going to lose it and then their life #not the kyle when he’s vulnerable and shaken but the jersey when he’s trying to push him away #I HATE IT HERE I LOVE U STAN I LOVE U BABY

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