#god i am just. Constantly Upset

[gideonisms]

See I think if I'd been born a guy I wouldn't be this pathologically avoidant trying to plan my career because there are plenty of situations you can find as a cis man where you just Do Tasks in awkward silence and you can get to those as a woman but you have to go through the rings of hell socializing first and then besides, a lot of those jobs already have so many men that you stand out when the whole point was you Don't want to do that

#you gotta be god's strongest soldier to survive this shit and i am not! i am god's weakest most pathetic soldier! #i survived five years of customer service crying weekly and getting harassed and being a baby about it #when i got promoted no one would listen to me and it made me constantly anxious and then so tired it took me a year to be able to #think about having a job as something remotely positive and stop crying about it #idk how other women are doing this shit a guy treats me like his sexy servant and i feel BAD and upset for years #and think of what he said 7 years later and they only touched me on the shoulder and made comments other people go through worse! #but i am not strong or determined i just want to go through my life in peace and stop talking to people altogether #it wasn't just guys who treated me badly older women made fun of me and called me lazy and stupid #tutoring was fine but i felt like i was putting on that same performance and at that point it all felt so awful i just. didn't want to #i can see no way out of talking to people for the rest of my life and it gets me down sometimes #i know i get to come home but even then i will probably need people to live with #i basically only like my family and close friends talking to me sometimes even that is hard #sometimes it's way easier to type and feels less awful #i think i have to just keep on keeping on until i can finally get good enough to freelance edit and code that's the only thing i can think #of doing that doesn't make me cry #emails are fine they suck but i don't have to control my face and tone so.

[stromer]

intermission dudes telling me brady has to be super frustrated at this point but he can only do so much himself. his brother is going to playoffs in a couple weeks and he's not. they feel really bad for him and his group obviously hasn't had the best season but he's trying his best regardless

#what if we all just died instead of doing all this?????? #came for stupid silly fun and am feeling psychologically attacked. on all fronts #he's just. so special to me and even the greatest of all time. and i do NAWT think he deserves anything bad or upsetting ever. so #hope the universe can keep that in mind from now on. maybe #he is cursed! and i am constantly pleading for god to take all of his suffering and give it to literally anybody else. any random will do.

[unfunnyaceartist]

Vent post ahead that may change your view on me and that may sound dramatic (NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE, THIS IS JUST IN GENERAL) Mostly just to get out my feelings. I only ask that if you look, to be kind and understanding and patient. Also the tags are silly and id appreciate if you read em. id appreciate if you didnt ask me anything on it

I feel toxic sometimes because i can get so jealous i borderline gatekeep things and I always feel so bad because its never intentional but then I end up hating myself because I know its unhealthy and irrational but I cant help it, and I know im so lucky and have a lot in many senses of the word, but at times it feels like they can be taking everything, because when I like someone or something, they tend to matter a fuck-ton to me. Im sorry to anyone ive lashed out at a bit for them wanting what I have, I really am. Its not coming from a place of hostility, rather a place of trauma responses and hyperfixation that stem from my adhd and autism but like when I try something and it goes great, and then someone else is like "OOH thats awesome I wanna do that too" It feels almost like when Im finally happy or excited or proud to have something, someone comes and takes it. Usually Ill play it off as a joke, but in reality, its complete honesty that im trying to soften so I dont upset anyone, especially when its over fiction or a person, because I do NOT own them and I know that, but it bothers me when someone swoops in to do the exact same things or even one-up especially when its really soon after me, and since my self worth is already abysmal, it just makes me feel worse, like I should be lucky to have what I do to begin with, but I feel the need to hold it close to me and protect it so I dont lose things that make me really happy.

Recently Ive even started reverse gatekeeping in response to others, where ill just tell myself I cant or dont deserve to have anything special because I'm not, and only others can enjoy this. But thats why people making me ship content makes me so happy. Its dumb to get jealous over others selfshipping with a character I like. Its dumb to get upset over someone I know copying or taking heavy inspiration from one of my ideas. Its dumb to get possessive over someone else trying to befriend my new awesome friends or wife/wives. I rarely selfship anymore due to my reverse gatekeeping and instead serve the others who simp or enjoy content. I provide since I feel I cant take. It makes me happy and distracts me. But the moment someone else does something similar to what is my toxic coping mechanism for my toxic coping mechanism, it only hurts worse. Thats why sometimes, for example, I get a bit snappy when someone else provides gummybunny (that and also shipping jealousy sometimes). Thats why I get snappy when I make a friend someone else super cool and then another person comes in and wants to befriend them (No darken, this wasnt directed at you, its happened more than once with more than one person but I know how you tend to assume). I LOVE giving but I hate sharing, because all my life whenever I shared, I lost something.

Introduce a friend to a friend? They leave me behind for eachother. Let someone wear my fitbit because they wanted to feel "rich"? It got stolen. Give money to someone in a "rough spot" who promised to repay me somehow? Never saw them again. I was always so trusting and understanding, and I always made excuses for others. Always so naive and gullible. So much so, in fact, that in elementary I kept letting my bullies pretend to be my friends when they claimed they changed, and let them destroy any ounce of worth I had whatsoever. Things that make me happy I CHERISH because of all the things ive lost and all my experiences. Ive never been hit, not once, but the abuse all my life came emotionally and mentally, and I only recently realized through therapy. Now its hard to trust people in certain situations. Sorry for my probably hard to follow and melodramatic rant.

sorry im dumb haha

#tw vent #By the time I finished writing the post I was no longer a mess about it but im still gonna post it #I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF I SEE ANYONE APOLOGIZING FOR MY OWN ISSUES IM GONNA BE PISSED #yall read all the tags its beneficial lol #Ngl SOME of this jealousy hits hardest with Gummy #because Ill FINALLY get fed some simp food for myself #and then yk #theyll kinda show up and ask to receive the same stuff #or act jealous #gummy #babe I love you #BUT DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU HAVE FEEDING YOU GUMMYBUNNY CONSTANTLY???? #Like mine is rare and far between #and I dont draw much selfship unlike you #LET ME HAVE SOME THINGS DAMMIT #And then Darken over here when I get a cool new friend just like: #... is for me? 🥺👉👈 #/nm for both things #im the embodiment of envy and greed arent I... #I hate upsetting people #I just keep it to myself and internalize my emotions mostly #haha now you guys know how possessive and jealous I am #its giving yandere 🥰💅✨🗣💃🕺😍😘😼🤠🤭😇🙄🤩😜😝🤑🧐😈 #i regret my life choices right about now

[sophiethewitch1]

in my hater era

#sophie speaks #tw vent #like. what. what??? #i do try not to upset anyone with trauma dumping or whatever but sometimes that bites me in the ass because people assume I'm not strugglin #struggling hugely #had one of my most violent meltdowns ever recently and it was after pushing myself to do something #and you know. thats on me #but saying like #im NOT trying?? #i dont want to start any problems but oh my GOD what do you think being sick constantly does to a person #what??? #trying to be a proper adult here but i am quite upset #idk how are you supposed to deal with shit like this #express this has upset you and that you are having a hard time #but then they dont believe you?? #trauma dump it is. hope you enjoy my psychiatrists notes #like im level 2 support needs autistic. i need a little fucking leeway or i genuinely try to kill myself #i KNOW its pathetic i KNOW its weak but my number one priority is keep myself alive #im so tired #ive been suicidal for like 7 years now #my life sucks so incredibly hard and I'm in constant pain and that just #it doesnt make me willing to deal with this shit #cripplepunk core lmao #cripple and im going to kill you #this is just geniunely upsetting #i feel like i need a good cry #i really am so tired #i feel like i just dont want to do this #why am i paying for this? why am i doing this? #if im not enjoying this why the fuck would i do it

[kkujo]

something i don't see people talking about is the way hyperfixations come in like stages and cycles like it's not just "i'm obsessed with this thing" it's like. euphoria from finding something new and it brings you so much joy and then as that initial dopamine rush wears off you start to get more and more down and feel isolated as you start to realise that no one else cares about it as much as you do and you feel silly for being so into it and the thoughts become repetitive and boring so you get more and more depressed and lonely and then you inevitably lose the hyperfix which leaves you drifting feeling miserable and hopeless until you start the cycle again. idk if i explained this well or if other people will understand but it brings genuine phases of euphoria and straight up depression and this is why i get annoyed when neurotypicals use words like hyperfixation to describe like, an interest. bc it's not. just an interest it becomes who you are and when you lose it it's like losing yourself and you spend so much energy thinking about it that it interrupts your daily life and it's so fucking draining 👍

#like if i see one more nt being like hyperfixation this hyperfixation that SHUT UP!! YOU HAVE AN INTEREST #talk to me when you stay up until 6am every night bc you can't fucking sleep bc ur thinking about it. #talk to me when you can't process emotions in a normal healthy way because you can only relate it back to your hyperfix #paired w madd especially it's IMPOSSIBLE to be normal about shit i swear 2 god because the second i'm upset or lonely it's straight back to #immersing myself in another world and being someone else and not facing my emotions instead letting 'someone else' deal with them #not just negative emotions yk it's anything it's fully immersive to the point i end up not knowing exactly who i am myself bc i'm rarely #myself in my head yk #and it's so isolating #and this is why i get mad when people use these terms lightly bc they don't fucking get it #oh you're hyperfixated? oh you're delusional? you're delulu? watch this #< guy who has delusions that all of his friends secretly hate him bc he's too insane abt xyz media and who feels alone bc no one else is as #into it even though it wouldn't be reasonable to expect them to be #like i'm constantly questioning whether all my friends are secretly against me & finding me annoying anytime i talk about it but it's fine #it's so fucking isolating #i'm not losing my hyperfix yet thank god but i am in the stage of like realisation where the initial euphoria has worn off and i'm like #fuck no one else gets it. no one else is thinking about it like i am. and it's so lonely #< like not to sound like 'i'm 14 and no one gets me' or i'm not like other girls or whatever 😭 #it's not me being dramatic i genuinely. know that no one else is spending every waking moment thinking about the things i am the way i do #and it's so incredibly depressing i can't even explain it in a way that will make sense #because i want to talk about it so fucking bad and i can't. even to my friends and gf who always listen i end up feeling annoying #and then i get genuinely delusional not like tiktok girl voice delulu like i genuinely start questioning my entire reality #just if i talk about something a little too much #bc i'm convinced i'm fucking annoying and no one gets it and they're thinking bad things about me #but i know they wouldn't. but it feels like they are #idk #anyways !

[vulpinesaint]

mkay not to be like. a little insane or anything. but god i've been going crazy over religion (catholicism) and blood lately. did anyone else drink blood as worship every week since they were seven. was anyone else inundated with images of open wounds as holy. is anyone else consumed by the thought of holding onto a crucifix tightly enough for the edges of it to draw blood. i turned in a poem about drowning in communion wine in an empty church while bleeding from crucifix-inflicted hand wounds and trying to talk to god and my creative writing professor gave me extremely normal critiques i feel like i'm losing my mind

#is ANYONE ELSE here. #also i made my poetry insta and i was gonna backpost but i think i might just sit and stare at it until april sfkghsd #it's me and my few hundred tumblr followers on my poetry acc. and the five thousand pornbots on this one ig #life is so. like. #i CONSTANTLY think that being raised catholic didn't do that much to me but obviously it did SOMETHING #you know what. yeah. cause i didn't end up with guilt over being queer but i did end up having my whole world view torn away from me #cause when god is the fundamental building block to everything... #my parents were extremely reasonable about things all things considered #but losing trust and faith in god is like having the bottom block pulled out of your little tower #and since i was fifteen i feel like i've been trying to either get it out fully without letting it all crumble #or trying to push it back without causing more damage #and the tower's never gonna be the same no matter what. you know. #i suck at self reflection so i never actually think about this stuff but dear god does it consume me #like no i did not end up with catholic guilt really. however being asked to examine yourself as a sinner at 7 will do things to you #HATE myself why am i still awake. so fucking upset i need to be up so early tomorrow skdjfgh #screaming and crying. anyway anyone else up thinking about catholicism and blood??? #valentine notes #catholic tag

[phantom-does-a-thing]

It’s almost worse knowing they hurt me unintentionally because I don’t have any right to hate them. It was an accident, they didn’t know, but still I have breakdowns at the mention of them and they don’t even know.

#I haven’t talked to them in months #and by god I don’t want to talk to them again #because it hurts So Bad #and I’m not even in the right to hate them bc they didn’t do it on purpose #I’d rather them do it on purpose because then I could hate them #because I’m angry and upset and I had a panic attack last night about it #this person who probably doesn’t even think about me for a second #and they’re constantly in my mind making me feel like crap #that’s not fair #I hope my name is never in their thoughts again and I hope they always wonder why I stopped talking to them #I wanted closure before but it’s too late for that because it’s been long enough that #wtf would I even say? #you hurt me. you abandoned me? but I’m the one that stopped talking #it felt like you abandoned me and I didn’t have the energy to keep up a one sided talk #when I know there were people who would talk to me #I know you’re busy. but at least something would be nice #I’m needy. and clingy. and I KNOW that #but still. it hurts because it’s like everything I always get left behind and they’re the PRIME example of that #I don’t even know why they hurt me so bad #maybe it was because it was someone I trusted completely #someone that I was closest to above all else above everyone else #I trusted them. I loved them. we talked about getting to meet up one day #but I hope that when they come up here I am Long Gone and they never think of me again #I trusted them enough they knew my state. I trusted them with parts of myself I barely trusted anyone else with #and the absence hurt like hell #and there wasn’t even one big event to break it off #just a slow deterioration in anxiety and stress that sometimes bubbled up in a message #but I always kneecapped the conversation because never was a good time to have it #and then just no more messages #I should block them. but I don’t want to ruin all the messages we had

[deus-and-the-machina]

xenoblade 1 is interesting because when I first played it I had really mixed feelings. mostly I think because it had been slightly overhyped for me. there were so many videos with masterpiece in the description and people saying it was their favorite.

there was a lot that first turned me off during the story (namely the way it handled its female characters made me frustrated at multiple points) and also how they handled the revenge arc because I have very very specific taste in revenge arcs and I just dont think it landed for me. 

I think I appreciate it a lot more now that im fully deep into the series. I do like a lot about it, from its gameplay to its environment to a lot of the little cast interactions, to just shulk existing. yeah. yeah its alright

#I remember when fiora died and dunban reyn and shulk were all talking about it I couldn't help but just be acutely aware they'd killed off #the only girl in the cast for their revenge quest and it put a sour taste in my mouth. at least we got sharla soon after who they ALSO did #dirty :(((( and they do bring fiora back but man. girl you've been through so much and have a GOD in your body but all you can think about #is how your bf will feel are you serious. its like they saw the backlash to shion and went ok women no more being realistically upset for #you gotta wait like another game or two :/// you get to never confront or be mad about the guy who stabbed you or the guy who wanted you #brainwashed and also forcibly altered your body irreversibly no your boyfriend gets tobe mad about it. be nice and optimistic darnit #and every lady in the party has their story tied to a romantic relationship in some waytoo. l'man. at least melia got her moment in fc #and its like. its odd bc I dont really DISLIKE any of the major 1 characters its on a scale from liking them to being upset on their behalf #like you have so many charming moments and interactions and I WANT to like you. but they just did you so dirty :(((( #idk ive wanted to get that out there for a while. I have very messy feelings on 1 which is kinda ironic bc a lot of people considered it the #less controversial one for a long time lol. and it is. but still. #siren says #xenoblade #xenoblade chronicles #im constantly on my hater arc btw but I only let it out occasionally bc I am constantly worried of backlash online. I keep my bitching to #friends mostly lmao and oh do they know all about it

[bibiana112]

And for bad oversharing medical news the arrhythmia from december never went away but I thought maybe the throat infection was still there right so that could be a reason but then I went to a specialist and not only is it practically cured (just lingering a bit) but my lungs sound fine as well! which means! the shortness of breath is probably something wrong with the oxygen in the bloodstream and the slight chest tightness is also extremely worrying I could only make an appointment to get it checked next friday and that sounds like way too long

#I know it's morbid but the only thing I can think about is how fucking mad I am at my parents and how I wish I had someone else to take care #of my things and burial if I were to die #they don't know me #they would do everything against my wishes because they never cared to listen #and Especially I am mad at my dad cause when this started he was around and I was really scared and upset and nearly crying and I told him #that I was considering going to the hospital right there and then and then he didn't. fucking say anything or ask if I was okay #they'll never listen anything just registers as crazy fucking kid having a tantrum again let's give her space leave her out of sight #And I had to Yell at him to stop telling me not to go to the hospital the next day and I mean Yell and he still said they'd deny it #that I was making it up if I had just been on my fucking own I wouldn't have double guessed myself on it and gone to the wrong specialist #and wasted time and gotten to the point where it's not like debilitating pain but constantly aware that it's there and I can only like eat #heart healthy shit that I don't even like and wait and god I am so upset at them why so I have to be alone and yet still be so tied to them #why pretend to care when I've said time and time again they're still hurting me like nearly everytime we see each other #Okay nevermind I actually Need to distract myself now usually confronting feelings is my favorite #but my body is telling me that if I want to cry I have to deal with it physically feeling like there's a hole between my ribs so #I'll hold off on it #I'll be fine #god going to sleep has been the absolute worse #delete later

[alltheendings]

lol

#I know I say it constantly but oh my god I'm lose my mind #why am I literally crazy 🫠 #I need to take my friends advice to stop looking for things unless I'm ready to find out the truth #and now it's just one more thing to be upset over

[bunnyb34r]

I'm so tired of being mad and tense all the time man I dont think my shoulders haven't permanently been up by my ears in like a full decade by now

I'm so tired so goddamn tired

#marquilla #this isnt ab anything specific im just really fucking feeling it rn and am trying so goddamn hard not to completely burn out but it #feels like every time i try i get smacked down by SOMETHING like the world. needs to remind me its not okay for me to not be stressed #oh you feel stable for once? not anymore now your family is falling apart. oh you were feeling happy and like your job?? not allowed. #oh sorry you actually thought your happiness was meant to LAST?? go fuck yourself. oh you dared have hope and optimism? dont you know thats #not allowed? #like god im so tired my body hurts so goddamn much #i know my chronic pain is mostly genetic but also being constantly stressed since the point of consciousness forming #has to have done something to exasperate it... like for godsake i have white body hair now WHITE. BODY. HAIR. one gray hair on my head #and everywhere else is patchy with white bc my body is too stressed to make pigment anymore #this kinda is triggered by something specific but it's more like... a mindset that keeps getting forced on me by others i think? #like one that pretty much says 'no you cannot be happy you have to be selfless 24/7 or you will be a disappointment to EVERYONE' #idk im just upset and god forbid but i would like NOT TO BE and apparently thats the wrong choice #didnt you know you're SUPPOSED to be a husk? thst you're SUPPOSED to be near burnt out 24/7?? didnt you mar??? didnt you?? #i mean my direct family gets it but... apparently that's it

[hobisexually]

x

#i! feel! so! disconnected! from everything and everyone #and it’s so god damn annoying #I either feel nothing at all or everything at once and I can’t balance it #but if I take the time to sit with the things I’m scared of I’ll just keel over I don’t have time for it #Im just on autopilot moving ahead #because I have to! if I don’t my fear will win from me and that will Not be pretty #and that’s what I’m so upset about like I didn’t get something I really wanted #and it’s fully because of anxiety but the alternative is WORSE #and the people involved don’t KNOW I have anxiety but I can’t tell them either because it will make them look at me differently and I can’t #afford them to. I can’t let that happen and I think this is the first time I’m realising how much it holds me back even after uni #and I’m so angry over it dndndnd so so so angry and if they KNEW how much I had gone through no one would ever doubt my ability to — #bounce back and take charge of a situation ever again. they’d know I can do that. But it’s too private to share so now it’s up to me to #BELIEVE it and just show them but it takes so much out of me every time #and if it weren’t for the pandemic I would’ve been much further along and if it weren’t for my fucking burnout I’d have been further along #and it weren’t for my Fucking dad I’d be further along. I’m just so mad #so mad that I have to undo and tackle so much when people just sail through things but for me EVERYTHING takes effort #also I have not seen or spoken to my dad since December and I have a wedding he’s attending and I can’t get out of it #and I constantly pingpong between ‘its for the best I broke off contact I needed the space to heal’ and ‘I am a horrible person for taking #his only daughter away from him instead of talking’ #but I’ve TRIED the talking and he just never LISTENS????? and made me feel so unsafe in this world at all times #I’m constantly trying to undo all that and it’s exhausting and no one gets how much effort that takes and I can’t tell them either #like. not gonna unload my trauma on people but if they KNEW they’d get why I don’t always react optimally to things the way they do #aaarffggHhhhHHHhHhhh #also I’m not even enjoying festa I’m not tuned in at ALL and that’s also deeply upsetting but there’s no other way atm #Also. did a thing in PFPT today that. I feel complicated things and I’m just upset about the way my life’s been until now #its making me feel worse than I was expecting #oh AND I was on a trip with friends I’ve had for 16+ years and they all were so happy to be together #felt so connected with each other and it was familiar and safe and lovely they said #meanwhile I cried at 3am in the bathroom because I had never felt more alienated from them ever #I know who /I/ am and what I want and don’t want but the dissonance with the rest of the world….. what the fuck man. What is my place even

[verycoolsnails]

I . How do I manage to be bad at crying . How do you do that .

#sosososo miserable and i need to cry sosos bad but i cannot ...... #ugh . the fact that im homesick (and have been for the past . three ? years . ) makes it sososoossos worse #i just . wanna go home . but the funny thing is i dont even know if thats really . possible? anymore . #bc i dont remember what home feels like anymore . i just feel ... constantly upset . and i want to . well i dunno . feel home again? #if that makesb sense #god . is it so much to ask to go home for once . why am i so . god . no . not gonna finish that sentence. #vent #delete later

[asfdhgsdkjhgb]

i dont think ive ever gotten a "she uses he him pronouns" but i have actively twice now in the exact same circumstance just a different year gotten "they use he it pronouns"

#people at school stop they themming me when i actively introduce myself with he/it challenge (IMPOSSIBLE) #just me rambling again #its better than being she her-ed but. still not correct. still misgendering and making me uncomfortable #ive expressed this to friends IRL but now im thinking about it again so yall get to hear #i think people immediately they them me (people at my school at least or other queer people) because there's Enough about my #appearance to be able to tell that i am trying to not be a girl. but i also do not pass at all and am constantly perceived fem #so people just assume ah. Girl Lite. i know what that means that's what non binary is i should refer gender neutrally #NO!!!! I AM A BOY #I AM A BOY I AM A MAN I AM A GUY #OBVIOUSLY GENDER IS A BIT MORE COMPLEX THAN THAT IM ALSO A CREATURE BUT LIKE #I AM A BOY WHY DOES NO ONE EVER SEE ME AS A BOY rgh i did not realize how upset i was about this #I've been out for 3 years now and im so fucking exhausted of being trans sometimes it is so beautiful and divine but god #im so tired of never being perceived correctly #i have the privilege of going to a very queer school that tends to be much more accepting and supporting of queer identities than others #but god damn. i am so tired. stop preaching support while still not listening

[ghost-bard]

I am sooo normal about Sapphria Rocks guys. So normal :)

#acoc #sapphria rocks #d20 #d20 acoc #a crown of candy #i am constantly thinking about her and also lapin #because post death neither of them get talked about like ever #like im so sorry but Sapphria being a fuckin. like political spy??? god. #i wish we could have gone to the meatlands #genuinely i do hope that we get a smidge of sapphria lore in the rave war preqel #even w my own apphrension towards it i do not care #like PLEASE #also forever upset that lapins death seemingly meant nothing to the tastebuds :) #like preston dying? horroble and awful #the guy that all these ppl have known for years (or their entire lives for the twins) only to just. not be talked about ever again??? #like sorry i think im allowed to be fucking sad when my fave character died and none of the pcs seeming cared #EVEN THOUGH HE SACRIFICED HIMSELF TO SAVE THEM #THEY WATCHED HIM DIE AS THEY ESCAPED #and not once #even when they had a chance to #did they mourn the loss of lapin cadburry #sry im really passionate about him bc. yeah #like the sisters rocks deserved more #and lapin deserved to be mourned #anyway hahaha i am normal #at some point i will make a separate post for lapin #probably once ive rewatched acoc

[sibillascribbles08]

Heavily upsetting myself with this one lads

#scribs speaks #I'm writing cute things but I am just constantly upset because I know where it all ends up #like not even just with Lou either #why did I include Gus in this I AM #SO UPSET #funfact for anyone bothering to read these tags #Holly was put in charge of Gus when he was still young and in training #he ADORED her #and lmao #rip rip rip #GOD #okay I'm done screaming for now