#Okay nevermind I actually Need to distract myself now usually confronting feelings is my favorite

[bibiana112]

And for bad oversharing medical news the arrhythmia from december never went away but I thought maybe the throat infection was still there right so that could be a reason but then I went to a specialist and not only is it practically cured (just lingering a bit) but my lungs sound fine as well! which means! the shortness of breath is probably something wrong with the oxygen in the bloodstream and the slight chest tightness is also extremely worrying I could only make an appointment to get it checked next friday and that sounds like way too long

#I know it's morbid but the only thing I can think about is how fucking mad I am at my parents and how I wish I had someone else to take care #of my things and burial if I were to die #they don't know me #they would do everything against my wishes because they never cared to listen #and Especially I am mad at my dad cause when this started he was around and I was really scared and upset and nearly crying and I told him #that I was considering going to the hospital right there and then and then he didn't. fucking say anything or ask if I was okay #they'll never listen anything just registers as crazy fucking kid having a tantrum again let's give her space leave her out of sight #And I had to Yell at him to stop telling me not to go to the hospital the next day and I mean Yell and he still said they'd deny it #that I was making it up if I had just been on my fucking own I wouldn't have double guessed myself on it and gone to the wrong specialist #and wasted time and gotten to the point where it's not like debilitating pain but constantly aware that it's there and I can only like eat #heart healthy shit that I don't even like and wait and god I am so upset at them why so I have to be alone and yet still be so tied to them #why pretend to care when I've said time and time again they're still hurting me like nearly everytime we see each other #Okay nevermind I actually Need to distract myself now usually confronting feelings is my favorite #but my body is telling me that if I want to cry I have to deal with it physically feeling like there's a hole between my ribs so #I'll hold off on it #I'll be fine #god going to sleep has been the absolute worse #delete later