give your tears to the tide — nikolai lantsov.
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─── summary: now that he knows, nikolai lantsov is the only soul in the world aware of the truth at the heart of her. for better or worse.
─── pairing: nikolai lantsov & anya kamenev (original character.)
─── warnings: sexual assault tw! (off-screen, not descriptive), serious angst, character death (minor character), manslaughter, mentions of the army (in a canon context). this one's a lil dark. hurt/comfort. trauma. nikolai learns that anya is grisha except it's in the worst way possible and he behaves like a fucking king. threats of violence. i realise this plot would've been a lot more believable if anya were a heartrender or squaller but i fully believe in my heart that she's a tidemaker so suspend your belief for five minutes pls and thank you.
─── word count: 2.8k.
─── taglist: @naushtheaspiringauthor / @a-taken-url / if you'd like to be added to the taglist let me know!
There's a body in the corner and the stable floor is soaked through with water. It seeps through the fabric of her army-issue trousers, clinging and cold, but Anya can hardly feel it. The ground is hard beneath her, but still she sits, with her knees pulled up to her chest, and she watches. She waits. She prays to Saints she doesn't really believe in that the body in the corner will twitch, or breathe, or something.
But it doesn't, and it won't, and there's no Saint in the world that can save her now.
That's how Nikolai finds her. Not long after curfew, when she didn't check in with their commanding officer before dinner, he'd known something was off. In all the months he has served with her in their unit, he cannot recall a time when she was late for anything. Nikolai didn't think she was even capable of such a thing, really, so he'd asked Dominik to cover for them and slipped off to look for her as everyone got ready for bed.
He checks the gardens first. More often than not, he'll find Anya laying on a bedroll beside her tent, watching the sun set over the horizon. She'd count the stars as they came into view and once, when she'd been feeling particularly tolerant, she'd even invited him to sit with her so they could point out constellations. It is a rare day when he doesn't set her teeth on edge, so he'd joined her eagerly and listened, enraptured, as she told him all about the stars and their stories.
Those same stars glitter overhead now, winking mockingly at him, but there is no one to be found in the gardens. The estate their unit is staying at on their way north belongs to some baron whose name Nikolai doesn’t care to remember, and it isn't too large, but even so, he checks the gardens again.
Just in case.
Nikolai sighs to himself, unable to think of where she might be, before he notices a light in the distance. Everyone else has gone to bed, and the officers are drinking and playing cards in the drawing room, so why would there be anyone in the stables this late? Why would Anya be there?
He doesn't dwell on the thought for longer than a moment. If it is her, then his worries will ease, and that's enough to send him striding down the dirt track that leads to the stables.
As he nears, the ground beneath his feet grows soggy with muck. An odd trickling sound catches his attention, and when he squints into the dark, he notices a small stream of water escaping through a crack in the doorway.
Nikolai pushes the unlocked door open, wincing as the hinges shriek. One of the horses chuffs at the sudden sound, but otherwise the room remains silent as a grave. The sudden draft makes the lantern flicker where it hangs from its hook, and as his eyes adjust to the dim light, he realises that he is not alone in the stable.
"Anya?" Even though his voice is little more than a murmur, it still feels too loud. The sound of it rattles off the walls, and he can't help but flinch, but the girl curled up on the floor doesn't move. Doesn't raise her head, or even really seem to breathe.
He creeps closer. Dread settles over him like a burial shroud. Old bits of hay crunch beneath his feet and the lantern spits, but the pit in his stomach only grows as he takes in Anya's appearance.
Her hair straggles around her face in limp, damp strands. When Nikolai last saw her, it had been neatly braided and pinned, but now honey-coloured strands hang loose and messy. Her skin is damp, too, and pale. So pale, white as a corpse, and a flash of panic rolls through him.
"Anya, come on." He kneels on the ground beside her. Cold, dirty water seeps into the knees of his trousers. He reaches out with gentle hands, but doesn't touch her. They merely hover above her shoulders, as if to offer comfort he isn't sure she'll accept. Not from him. "What are you doing out here? You're soaked, and it's freezing. Let's get you inside before you get ill."
Anya doesn't look at him. Her stare is fixed, unwavering, on a dark corner of the stables. There's something hollow and hopeless about them that makes him feel sick.
A long moment passes, and then— "I didn't mean to."
He doesn't think he's ever heard her sound like this before. Doesn't think he's heard anyone sound like this before. "What? Anya, what are you talking about?"
"I didn't mean to." Her voice is brittle. The words are shards of broken glass on her tongue. Every one of them slices her open. Makes her bleed. "I... It was an accident. I didn't... I swear, I didn't even..."
She wavers at the end, trailing off into a heavy silence. When she looks at him then, eyes so wide and frightened, Nikolai swears his heart grinds to a halt. That look cuts him deeper than any blade ever could.
"Anya." Concern wavers in the depths of his eyes, and finally he reaches out to touch her. Gentle hands clasp her shoulders. She's so cold. He wonders how long she's been sitting out here. "What happened? Where did all this water come from?"
Anya swallows roughly. Her lower lip quivers. Every part of him wants to hold her close, as if that will chase away all her demons, but he knows she won’t allow it. "Me. Or... him, maybe. I don't know. I didn't mean to do it, I just—"
A choked sob cuts her off, and Anya buries her face in her hands. There's no doubt that she probably wishes anyone else had found her out here, rather than the boy who teases and goads her relentlessly. She doesn't even like him, really.
Yet he's the one who noticed she was missing.
"Anya. Nastya, look at me." The childhood nickname falls from his tongue before he can stop it, and he squeezes her shoulders once, a little too harshly, to pull her focus back. "Tell me what happened."
"I came down to check on the horses. Maksim asked to swap duties with me so he could run into town and post a letter to his mother." Anya's hands begin to shake violently. She curls them into fists and presses them hard against her thighs to make them stop. "I was just finishing up when— Fuck, I don't even know him. He was only just assigned to our regiment. Lenkov, I think? Saints, I killed him and I don't even remember his name." She manages a short, sharp laugh. She almost sounds hysterical.
"Anya." A sudden chill sweeps over Nikolai, as if someone dumped a bucket of ice over his head.
Anya shakes her head. "I didn't even notice he was in here. And then he— he grabbed me, and he put his hand around my throat and shoved me up against the wall and told me to shut up even though I wasn't even screaming, I couldn't scream, I couldn't— And he started pulling at my shirt, and I didn't even think, I just did it. I remembered seeing them do it, the hand gestures, I didn't even know what they meant, I just wanted him to get off me."
A thousand thoughts sweep through him all at once, but the only thing Nikolai cares about is the tremor in Anya’s voice, the shaking of her hands as she gestures to the corner. He sees the body slumped over in a puddle. Bits of straw stick to the fabric of his uniform. The familiar emblem of Ravka winks back at Nikolai, as if the double eagle is sneering at him, but there is nothing here to be ashamed of.
"Can you stand?" he asks.
She looks up at him sharply. "What? Nikolai, I just told you—"
"Can you stand, Anya?" Her name sits like a lead weight on his tongue. He says it firmly, harsher than he wants to be, but there's a manic look in her eye he's never seen before. Not on her. He needs to keep her attention, her focus, away from the body in the corner. Away from the blood on her hands.
She nods, once. "I think so."
"Alright." Nikolai pushes himself up from the ground, and tries not to shiver at the way his damp trousers stick to his skin. The beginnings of a plan begin to formulate in his mind, and when Anya looks him in the eye, the certainty she finds there begins to set her at ease. "You're going to go back to the manor. Sneak in through the side entrance. Make sure nobody sees you. Go to the library. It should be empty. I'll meet you there in an hour."
"Nikolai."
"Go, Anya." They're not friends. She's made that abundantly clear so many times these last few months, but the way she's looking at him now, with her heart split wide open, makes him want to hold her tight and never let go. "I'll deal with this."
And somehow, because she trusts him — Saints, she cannot believe she actually trusts him — she forces her stiff limbs to carry her out of the door and away from the chaos she caused.
When she dares to cast a glance back of her shoulder, she finds the dim light extinguished, flooding the stables with shadows.
An oil lamp flickers on the table, dim enough that it won't cast any light beneath the door, and Anya has to squint in order to decipher the look on Nikolai's face when he sneaks into the library nearly an hour later.
A deep frown has etched itself into his features, and Anya’s chest seizes at the sight of it. She cannot recall a day in her life where Nikolai wasn’t smiling. There are lines carved on each side of his mouth, even at the age of sixteen, that bear the echo of his good humour.
She cannot stomach that she is the reason for that frown.
He doesn't say anything as he presses a glass bottle into her hands, before settling himself into the low armchair opposite. When she removes the stopper, it smells suspiciously like brandy.
"What have you done with him?"
There are still flecks of dirt stuck beneath Nikolai's fingernails, even though he scrubbed his hands nearly raw in the kitchens just now. Streaks of mud stain the hems of his trousers. A faint scent of soil lingers in the air.
"Do you really want to know?" Nikolai hadn't felt all that terrible as he'd rolled Lenkov's body into a shallow grave at the edge of the property. Perhaps he should have. But every time the guilt tried to creep in, the memory of Anya curled up on the stable floor would flash through his mind, and every shovelful of dirt became a little easier to bear.
Come morning, their superior officer will find a scribbled letter in Lenkov's bunk and assume he is a deserter. The reputation that will earn him is not nearly as bad as he deserves, but it will do. It’s not like he’ll live to harm anyone else.
Nikolai nods at the bottle in her hands. "Drink, Anya."
It's odd, really. Watching her follow instructions. His instructions, at least. Nikolai is used to her battling him. More often than not, his remarks are usually met with a snarky retort or an outright insult.
As her lips close around the bottle and she swallows a sip of the brandy he stole, he decides he doesn't like her silent. He doesn't like it at all.
When she's done, she holds the bottle out towards him like a peace offering. He takes his own long swallow of brandy and relishes the burn as it slides down his throat.
"Why did you help me?" Anya’s voice wavers as she speaks, though she tries her best to steady it. In this light, Nikolai cannot quite see her expression, but he knows, somehow, that she's frowning. A little dip appearing between her brows. He's so familiar with it, has dreamed of smoothing it over with his thumb until she smiles at him. In his dreams, it’s the sort of smile that could cure any ill in the world.
He chuckles and downs another sip. "Would you prefer I stand silently by as they arrest you? Sit in the crowd at your tribunal? Would you rather I watch as they lead you to the gallows and hang you for murder?"
Her breathing turns ragged. "It wasn't murder—"
"The First Army hates Grisha, Anya." There's no venom in his tone, but she flinches all the same. His eyes soften as he passes the bottle back to her. "You think they'd care if it was an accident? Or self-defence? All they would see is you, a Grisha who hid her powers and infiltrated the ranks of the First Army, killing one of their own. There would be no saving you from that."
The statement hangs in the air between them like a noose. The gas lamp spits and crackles.
"My parents hid it. Not me." She takes a large swig of the brandy and clutches the bottle close to her chest, as if it's a shield. "I was... Saints, maybe eleven, when I started to show. My mother cut my hand when the Grisha testers came so they couldn’t test me.”
Anya’s hand flexes slightly, as if she is even aware she’s doing it. There’s still a thin white scar hidden in the crease of her palm.
“After that,” she says, “my parents stopped bringing me to court. Told everyone that my health was fragile and that I wasn't well enough to travel."
Nikolai nods, humming beneath his breath. He remembers that. One summer Anya was there, screaming through the gardens of the Grand Palace with him and Dominik and some of the other children, and then she was gone. She'd only appear once or twice a year afterwards, at the Winter Fête or his brother’s birthday ball, and her mother would always keep her close by.
"I am my father's heir." Anya swallows roughly. Affection threads through her voice like strands of gold.
Nikolai had met the Duke of Balakirev a few times as a child, and unlike many other nobles rattling around court in Os Alta, he hadn’t found the man to be ridiculous or, worse, intimidating. He recalls an older man, somewhere in his fifties with ruddy cheeks and silver streaking through his hair, but he had kind eyes. That, Nikolai remembers well.
He sees the same soft blue in Anya’s eyes.
Anya’s heart warms at the memory of him. She last saw him just before she enlisted, months ago, and he’d watched her leave with shining eyes and a worried little pout. He’d tried to smile.
He hadn’t wanted her to know he was afraid.
"I’m his only child.” Anya’s lips form a tight line. “And the Grisha testers would have shipped me off to the Little Palace. I'd be lucky to ever see my parents again, Nikolai. Once you are labelled Grisha, it is a brand you bear for life. It becomes the only thing you are, and I... I love my parents for protecting me. I don't practise or train, I don't... I didn't know what I was doing in the stables. I don't know what I was thinking. I just wanted him to stop."
Her voice is quiet, so quiet he can hardly hear her now.
Nikolai wishes Lenkov were still alive, if only so he could rip the man to pieces with his bare hands. A shallow grave isn’t good enough. He should’ve left the body in the woods and let the wolves have him instead.
"I've killed before. We're soldiers. But I never... I didn't mean to..." Anya's voice cracks, and a sob bubbles up in her throat. She presses her palm hard against her mouth, hard enough that her teeth almost pierce the skin, as if that will keep her tears at bay.
Nikolai leans forward. Rests a gentle hand on her knee. She looks at him, eyes glistening with tears. His heart shatters in his chest, and the shards of it dig into his lungs with every breath he takes.
"I won't tell anyone," he says, solemn as the grave. "About what happened, or about you. I swear."
"Thank you."
When daylight comes and Dominik finds them huddled together in a quiet corner of the house, Anya’s head resting against Nikolai’s chest as if the steady rhythm of his heartbeat had soothed her to sleep, he knows something immeasurable has changed between them.
He nudges Nikolai’s foot and quickly ducks out of the room as his friend begins to stir, and he doesn’t know what secret the pair of them share now, but Dominik swears he will take it to the grave, too.
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𝙎𝙝𝙖𝙙����𝙬 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝘽𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙊𝘾 ✸ 𝘓𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘢 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘰𝘻𝘰𝘷𝘢
It started with a women and her son. The women was strong willed, care free, and beautiful. She was elegant and wise. She loved her son deeply and wanted him to be independent and brave. She taught him the ways of the Grisha and she told him stories of how they were ostracized and unwanted from the rest of society. From his mother he learned how to be tough and to stick up for himself. He became very protective of his mother and wanted nothing more for her to be safe and happy. The women one day decided she wanted more for her son. Seeing as a child would want more than just his mother for company, she went into town and sought out a strong Grisha whom she would take to bed. When the girl was born, the boy knew that he would do anything to keep her safe and happy just like his mother. As she got older she began to show her powers as a Tidemaker differing from her mother and brother. Even though their powers differed, they taught her everything they knew.
As the boy grew more powerful and gained more control, the girl stayed by his side. He never made a decision without consulting her first and together their grew the second army. Unlike the boy, the girl quickly fit in with all of the other Grisha her age. She ate with them and went to classes with them, even though she was way beyond their knowledge in summoning. She was an extremely social being. As she grew up she became a bigger part in the court. She would often accompany her brother to the Grand Palace and she became an excellent diplomat. She was poised and elegant like her mother and resembled a queen. She was beautiful and quickly caught the eye of many of the boys at the many balls and dinners she would attend at both palaces.
She noticed her brother hovering and did not mind in the slightest for she did not have her eye on any of the boys except for one?
She had met with the royal family many times and quickly became close with the youngest prince because of his witty banter and his playful nature. Them being very close in age, they have hung out together since he was thirteen and her and her brother moved into the little palace. Other than her brother he was the girl’s closest friend. They often snuck out at night to run through the grounds and play by the lake away from the palace. They confided in each other about their troubles— mainly ranting about their annoying older brothers— and laughed together throughout their growing years. They shared both of their first kisses together and, knowing of her brothers distaste for the girl having a relationship, snuck around the two palaces stealing kisses in empty palace rooms and at their spot along the lake after it was dark. Her brother remained protective of her, and he remained oblivious of their relationship as she promised him she had no interest in anyone. He knew that she was old enough to make her own smart decisions but he was terrified of someone hurting her so he kept her to himself. And hurt was exactly what happened to her
G͏E͏N͏E͏R͏A͏L͏ I͏N͏F͏O͏R͏M͏A͏T͏I͏O͏N͏:
F͏u͏l͏l͏ N͏a͏m͏e͏: Larissa Anastasia Morozova
A͏l͏i͏a͏s͏: N/A
S͏e͏r͏i͏e͏s͏: The Darkest Sea
L͏o͏v͏e͏ i͏n͏t͏e͏r͏e͏s͏t͏: Nikolai Lantsov
A͏g͏e͏: 21
S͏e͏x͏u͏a͏l͏i͏t͏y͏: Bisexual
P͏r͏o͏n͏o͏u͏n͏s͏: She/her
G͏r͏i͏s͏h͏a͏ T͏y͏p͏e͏: Tidemaker
F͏a͏m͏i͏l͏y͏: Baghra (mother) Aleksander Morozova (older brother)
A͏P͏P͏E͏A͏R͏A͏N͏C͏E͏:
E͏t͏h͏n͏i͏c͏i͏t͏y͏: W͏h͏i͏t͏e͏
N͏a͏t͏i͏o͏n͏a͏l͏i͏t͏y͏: N/A
S͏p͏e͏c͏i͏e͏s͏: H͏u͏m͏a͏n͏
F͏a͏c͏e͏c͏l͏a͏i͏m͏: Claudia Jessie
H͏a͏i͏r͏ C͏o͏l͏o͏u͏r͏: Black
E͏y͏e͏ C͏o͏l͏o͏u͏r͏: B͏l͏u͏e͏
P͏E͏R͏S͏O͏N͏A͏L͏I͏T͏Y͏:
Q͏u͏a͏l͏i͏t͏i͏e͏s͏: Witty. Kind. Independent. Confident. Soft. Brave. Emotional. Compassionate.
M͏o͏r͏a͏l͏ A͏l͏i͏g͏n͏m͏e͏n͏t͏: Neutral Good
M͏y͏e͏r͏s͏ B͏r͏i͏g͏g͏s͏ T͏y͏p͏e͏: ENTP
H͏o͏g͏w͏a͏r͏t͏s͏ H͏o͏u͏s͏e͏: Ravenclaw
L͏I͏K͏E͏S͏:
↳ reading books
↳ adventure
↳ visiting the coast
↳ respect
↳ stating opinions
D͏I͏S͏L͏I͏K͏E͏S͏:
↳ manipulation
↳ arrogance
↳ disrespect
↳ forced marriages
✨ Taglist: @eddysocs @megandaisy9 @ginger-grimm @arrthurpendragon @misshiraethsworld @faerieroyal @daughter-of-melpomene ✨
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