#for two- dont want to be percieved as Cringe | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wonwoonlight · 3 years

Text

overgrown | xu minghao

➝ word count: 6.3k words

➝ florist!Minghao x demigod!reader

➝ demigod!au // florist!au // fluff // slice of life // angst if u squint // nonidol!au

➝ warning: not edited nor proofread kjsdfnjkdsngf, not fantasy au tho hoho

➝ A/N: happy birthday, hao! if you're wondering about how demigods are percieved in this universe, please refer to percy jackson and how the mist make ppl see things they dont wish to understand lol thats basically it. enjoy!!

moving from one place to another has always been easy, but perhaps it's about time you stay.

Being a descendant of Persephone is an experience itself. You have no idea how it happened, but that’s always the case with demigod children, so you don’t really care to understand either. What matters is you’re happy living with your dad in a small apartment downtown big enough just for the two of you.

You’ve just recently moved to Seoul with him; it’s probably only been three months at most and you’re still getting used to the new environment around you. You’re not exactly nomads, but you and him enjoy moving around from one place to another, learning about cultures around the world.

You spent your childhood mostly in Europe, or at least that’s what your dad said because you’re not old enough to remember details. But the first country that your consciousness manages to register is Japan because you lived there until you finished elementary school--the longest you’ve stayed in one country. But even then, you moved from one city to another at least three times throughout the years.

And then you spent junior high school in Singapore before eventually moving to the US once you’re sixteen. Before you came to South Korea, you spent a good four years in Australia for university.

And here you are now, only two months after graduating, already settled in yet another country.

“Are you going to go up again?” your dad asks as he sees you putting on your shoes.

“Yup, gotta take care of my children,” you grin at him.

He rolls his eyes at this, shaking his head in amusement. “As if you can’t grow them back right away if they withered.”

“You’re just jealous I have the power to do that,” you stick out your tongue at him. “And it’s different with planting them from seeds, you know!”

The sound of his laughter is cut off once you shut the door behind you, giddy steps making their way to the elevator almost immediately. One of the main reasons you’ve both chosen this particular complex is because they have a community garden on the rooftop; you’ve fallen in love with the sight of it in an instant the moment they show you the tidy garden that you’ll be free to access because, as far as the management knows, only so few cares about the community garden.

You cringe at the sun the moment you step into the rooftop, the brightness of it blinding your eyes. At least it’s not that hot considering how blinding it is.

“Oh, you poor thing,” you frown when you see a dying flower on one of the pots. You’ve noticed this particular flower since you began tending the garden; a peculiar purple flower that you’ve never seen before. But you quickly dispel any interest towards it because it obviously belongs to someone.

Its pot is beautifully decorated with paints and there’s a big X.M.H. written across the body. You didn’t touch it because you thought the owner must be taking care of it; much like how you don’t dare to tend the few other plants that have names written on the pot.

But this flower is obviously dying and you’ve always been bad at holding yourself back when you see plants about to wither. You wonder if it’s a trait that you inherit from Persephone along with your ability to grow flowers wherever you want. It’s a pretty useless power, if you think about it, and you didn’t even know Persephone has this ability to pass on (because isn’t it supposed to be Demeter’s specialty? Anyway, you’re still related to her one way or another and you’d rather just accept this unique ability than question it). Still, you’re happy with this power even though it doesn’t really help you in your daily lives.

You look around to make sure no one else is on the rooftop before you return to that particular flower; even though you’ve never seen this kind of flower before, you know for sure it hasn’t even bloomed to its best shape yet. Contemplating on what to do, you eventually decide to just go fuck it and resurrect the flower while there’s no one present.

Gently holding the pot with your palms, you focus on it until a soft green light emits around the flower; its stem slowly stands back in place and the vibrant color returns like it wasn’t pitifully dying on its own pot before. You don’t even notice it looks more alive than when you first saw it the day you moved into this place.

You exhale a deep breath after you’re done, the green light long gone after the process is done.

Nothing bad should come out of it… right?

Due to a training workshop you have to attend for your new job, you’ve asked your dad to tend your flowers while you go to Incheon for three days. You would’ve gone back and forth instead of sleeping over in a guest house if you could, but Incheon is way too far and training literally starts at seven thirty for each day.

Why couldn't Persephone just give you the gift of teleportation, really? But, then again, even Hermes’ children don’t have that kind of ability so you can’t really blame her for not blessing you with that.

Anyhow, now that you’re back in Seoul, the first thing you do after washing up is to go up the rooftop to see your children. You honestly doubt your dad actually does as you ask, and you simply hope you don’t have to use your power on them just in the worst case scenario that they all somehow die in the span of three days.

When you open the door, you find someone else busily moving through the garden instead of chilling on the benches for once. You blink at the sight of the lean, tall man, but quickly shrug to yourself and make your way to do your usual round.

You’re just minding your own business as you fill in your water spray on the sink nearby when someone carefully taps your shoulder. You’re not sure why you’re not surprised it’s the same man from earlier.

“Yes?” you smile politely at him.

“Hi,” he greets you with a hesitant smile. “Have you… been tending the garden these days?”

“Oh, right!” you exclaim before you put down the water spray and introduce yourself to him. “I’ve just moved in recently and, yes, I’ve been tending the garden since. I don’t touch plantings that have names on them though!”

The guy nods as he lets out a small ‘ah’ and then takes your hand to shake. “I’m Xu Minghao. You can call me Minghao though. I… usually tend them too, so it’s a surprise to see them so tidy after I’m away.”

You blink at the name. Oh. Xu Minghao. He’s the owner of that flower, isn’t he?

“Um, can I ask you something?” he asks again, his tall posture suddenly making you nervous from your awareness.

“Yeah, sure,” you fake a smile as you turn back to fill your water spray.

“Do you know that purple flower with my initials on the pot?” he shoots straight to it, and you’re glad your back is turned to him because else, he’d see how you close your eyes in contempt.

You hum as you pretend to think about the flower he’s referring to. But Minghao is not easily swayed and he tells you to follow him to see the flower yourself.

Your eyes widen in horror as you see the flower buds opening widely, a shape that you’re sure shouldn’t take place just yet because it hasn’t even been a week since you resurrect it. Did you accidentally grow it more than you should? This is why you should practice, really.

“Has… this been looking like this?” he brings you back to reality, his face confused and somewhat concerned. “I’ve just gone back from my hometown so I haven’t been here for three months and… I don’t think it… should be growing this fast? The buds were only half open when I left.”

“I’m… not sure,” you lie lamely, praying this Minghao guy would brush it off as you being awkward in front of a stranger. “Did you ask anyone to tend it for you? Maybe they give your flower a different fertilizer?”

Minghao shakes his head firmly, arms crossing in front of his chest. “No. I was actually wondering if this particular plant can withhold for months without any fertilizer. I did ask someone to water just once every three days and I told them not to give any kind of fertilizer.”

Oh shit, shit, shit. The one time you decide to mess around helping flowers, it just has to be in this kind of scenario with someone so observant.

“So, uhh, were you expecting it to die or…?” you ask again as you try to act like this has nothing to do with you.

“Wasn’t expecting anything in particular, really,” he sighs, observing you while wondering about the reason behind your fidgeting. Are you just nervous because you don’t know him? Or are you hiding something? “I was just experimenting. My friend tried to grow this flower by crossbreeding two different plants, he’s pretty much done with it so I asked if I can take it with me.”

You nod at the surge of information, unsure why he’s loading this to you. “Have you… always been interested in flowers?”

“I do have a flower shop, if that’s what you’re asking,” he chuckles at your amazed expression. “You should drop by sometimes. You look like you’d appreciate my flowers.”

“Sure,” you happily accept the invitation, lowkey excited to find someone who shares this interest towards plants despite your nervousness from earlier. “Not easy to find someone else that cares about plants other than myself.”

Minghao chuckles again as he agrees with you, and then gives you his business card so you can visit him sometime.

“Maybe my friend did something during the crossbreeding process,” he continues, still looking at the flower curiously.

“You should go ask your friend,” you reply a little too quickly, making Minghao turn to you as his eyes observe you with something that you can’t quite decipher. You’re not sure if the sudden rush in your heartbeat is because you’re scared he’ll somehow figure out what you’re hiding, or you’re simply nervous because his gaze seems to be fixated on you.

Xu Minghao is pretty pleasing to the eyes, if you may say it yourself, and pretty people always intimidate you. Not that you mind him though.

“Yeah, I should,” he quietly replies, wondering if he’s simply imagined the edge on your voice.

The next time you see Minghao, it’s only been a few days since then and it’s a complete accident even though it’s you who step into his shop yourself.

“Oh?” you blink at the familiar person behind the station. “Hi?”

Minghao looks up from the flower arrangement in his hands, not hearing the door opens and closes because he’s too focused on the task. “Hi?”

“Didn’t know this was your shop,” you smile a little as your eyes wander around the flower shop. It’s a pretty humble place, though it’s quite big for a shop run by (presumably) Minghao himself. You don’t see any other person in sight, but there are two closed doors you can see from where you’re at and who knows if there are other people there.

“Threw away my business card, did you?” he smiles playfully, walking around his table to walk closer to you.

“Nah, just have a very bad navigation skill,” you grin, telling him you’d have no idea where his store is even if you turn on your GPS. “And it’s only been a few days, wouldn’t it be weird if I immediately come here?”

“Why would it be weird?” he frowns a little, though his smile doesn’t falter. “I did invite you here.”

You simply shrug at that, telling him it just would feel so as your feet take you to explore.

Minghao lets the silence linger after that, observing the way you fit so well between the shelves of his flowers. He’s probably imagining it, but it almost feels like the flowers are closing in everytime you pass by, welcoming you like you’re one of their own.

It’s beautiful. And it’s weird--because as much as he loves his flower shop, he never thinks he’d see a scene so beautiful in this sense. He’s an artistic person and it’s both too often and rare that he deems something beautiful. He has a particular standard that he himself isn’t even sure of. But this? The sight of you walking around his flower shop, fingertips gently touching the soft buds of his flowers while you smile and curiously look at each and every one of them?

He can’t be more certain that it’s beautiful.

“When did you open this shop?” your voice jumps him back to reality, though he’s glad that you don’t seem like you notice he’s been staring at you.

“Just last year,” he nods to himself, the happiness of finally opening his own flower shop still clear in his mind.

“Do you manage this by yourself?” you ask again, more interested than you thought you were.

The guy hums at this, his gaze automatically follows you when you step to the buds section. “I have two part-timers. Don’t really need a full time helper just yet.”

He thinks he hears you say something about how lucky he is, but he doesn’t get any chance to reply yet when you ask him about the ‘baby flowers’--your words not his--section.

Minghao steps closer to you, telling you it’s there for him to grow if no one buys them.

“Mostly, people come here to buy bouquets. But I thought there’d be no loss in putting them there just in case there are people who want to grow their own flowers,” he smiles, more to himself than to you.

You can’t help the warm feeling that envelopes you; you’ve always had a soft spot for people who appreciate flowers. Maybe it’s the few things Persephone gifts you, maybe it comes with your power--anyhow, someone who seems to love them as much as you do is hard to come by, and Minghao is easily the first person who shares the amount of love you have for these little beings.

“What flowers are these?” you lean down to look at closed buds.

“It’s a surprise,” he shrugs. “Even I don’t remember which seeds I put inside the soils even though we should have an idea by the time it grows a little more. I want these people to appreciate flowers as they are, you know?”

“That’s weirdly philosophic,” you chuckle a little, taking one of the pots in your hands. Minghao laughs at that, turning back to his table because his phone is ringing.

Your eyes widen in shock as the light starts to emit around the buds, so you quickly put it back down where it belongs before you shove your palms to the pocket of your jeans. Thankfully, whoever’s at the phone is holding Minghao back just enough until the light fades away before he’s back on your side.

If he notices your sudden tense posture, he doesn’t say anything. But, by the way he’s frowning and the slight ‘hm?’, you’re sure he notices something different in one of the buds in front of him, so you quickly say you just remembered you have somewhere to be and it’s been a pleasure coming here.

“I’ll drop by again some time. See you around!” You hurriedly say with a smile and a wave of your hand. Minghao doesn’t even get the chance to wave back because you’re already out of the door.

He drops his hand back to his side, looking at the curious bud that’s weirdly more grown than the others. He’s pretty sure he puts them all at the same time, so how come it’s the only one with its buds half open?

It’s been some time since you get close to someone as easily as you do with Minghao. You’re pretty sure that your shared interest in plants makes up 70% of your conversation, but it’s still enough for you to consider Minghao a good friend now, and you usually either talk to him on the rooftop, or in his flower shop as you drop by after work.

Plus, he’s pretty easy in the eyes and seeing him after a long day at work definitely helps.

Today’s quite tiring though, because your meeting drags on to the point where you miss your usual bus and you have to wait for half an hour until the next one comes again.

You figure you should just go home and rest, because tomorrow you have to get to the office early and you can’t afford another sleepless night when you’re this burnt. But still, when you pass by Minghao’s shop only to see lights still on, you can’t help but knock and come in.

It’s almost six thirty now, doesn’t he usually close by five?

“Why are you still here?” you ask as you step into the store, greeting Chan and Chaeyoung, his part-timers, who are still struggling with the flowers on the floor. “It’s already dark outside.”

“Wedding later at 9,” he simply replies with a sigh. “We’ve just started an hour ago and we could’ve finished this by seven but... there’s a problem and we’re… still trying to figure it out.”

“What problems?”

“The bride wants white and pink roses only, everything rationed 1:1. But, turns out, some of our white roses aren’t as white as she wants and she insists that we somehow have to make it works and… well, we even tried ordering white roses from another vendor but some of them still aren’t as white when compared to the one she...approved of,” he rubs his temple, obviously frustrated.

You bite down your lip as you see them and the pile of flowers surrounding them. They would probably need to work for an hour or two more at this point, and it’s all just because of this one annoying client.

This is a problem that you can easily fix, you think as you contemplate on what to do. How can you convince these guys that you have a way to help them without them being suspicious?

“Have you guys eaten?” you ask instead. At Chan’s groan, you immediately tell them they should take a small break and rest while they’re at it.

“We can’t,” Chaeyoung sighs tiredly. “I’d be too anxious to take a break too. We have to send this before eight.”

“All because we’re missing 17 white roses,” Chan adds, cracking his neck from side to side.

“I can help,” you finally say, feeling bad at how tired they all sound. Minghao and the others turn to you, and you gulp hardly before you tell them you have a friend who would probably be able to help, but that you need to borrow one of the roses just to make sure the color won’t be wrong too.

Chan asks if your friend is far, because it’ll be no use if it’ll take long for the flower to arrive. What more lies can you sprout in this case, really?

“Just… trust me?” you try to negotiate. Chan and Chaeyoung seem too tired to argue anyway, but Minghao’s curious eyes piercing through yours isn’t something that you know how to handle. Still, despite the way your ears are getting red from his gaze, you do your best to hold his gaze. For once you can actually use your power to help someone in need and you can’t even do it openly.

Talk about useful.

“Okay,” Minghao finally says. “Should I come with you?”

“No!” you answer too quickly. “You should continue and take a little break. I promise I’ll come back with your roses.”

Minghao doesn’t seem like he wants to agree, but he nods anyway and simply tells you to be careful on your way before he thanks you in advance. He’s a little doubtful, truly unsure how you can help with this. But you look so certain, and he knows you enough to know that you’re not the type to say things without meaning to.

And true to your words, not fifteen minutes later, you’ve come back with the exact white shade of roses that he needs. Chan hugs you in relief and Chaeyoug actually peppers you with kisses because you’ve apparently saved them from hell. You simply chuckle at that, though your eyes avoid his when he steps closer to thank you again.

“Eh, consider it your lucky day,” you scrunch your nose at him, telling him your friend has a bunch of them in his place. He wonders if he’s imagining the edge on your voice when he asks if your friend’s nearby because he doesn’t recall any other flower shop that would allow you to be back in less than fifteen minutes.

“Oh, umm… It’s not a flower shop,” you fidget from one foot to another. “He just grows them in his garden.”

“And he just lets you… take them?”

“I owe him a big favour of course. But it’s okay,” you laugh awkwardly. “He’s a very good friend and he understands.”

Minghao hums at this, a sound that makes you more nervous, if anything. He takes one of the flowers in his hand, observing them carefully as he wonders why these flowers feel different than any flower he’s seen. It does feel familiar though he can’t really tell either. Perhaps he’s just imagining things.

Simply said, it just doesn’t make sense to Minghao; none of these are. Anyone who might have grown this many roses wouldn’t give them so willingly unless the person is just that close to you, or they don’t grow them themselves and have no attachment whatsoever with the flowers.

Still, he’s in a hurry and he doesn’t have the time to ponder this just yet. So he simply squeezes your shoulder and thanks you once more then goes back to work. With your flowers, he should be able to finish this in 30 minutes or so and he’s going to do just that.

Almost exactly 30 minutes later, the guys actually finish the order on time. Chan and Chaeyoung quickly hop into the van with the flowers to go to the venue, giddy about the prospect of finishing this one hell of a job (though it’s only prompted by the client, to be honest). At least they just need to deliver this, it’s the wedding organizer’s job to place them accordingly.

So Minghao tells Chan to just bring the van home if he wants to, that he’ll close up for the day and the younger guy can just bring it back tomorrow. Chan happily agrees with the arrangement, then waves goodbye at you both before he takes off with Chaeyoung.

“I’ll help you close up,” you offer, not even waiting for his answer. Funny though, weren’t you tired from work? And now here you are, offering yourself for more work.

“It’s fine,” Minghao says once he catches up with you, gently circling his fingers around your wrist to stop you from cleaning up the table. “You must be tired from work and you’ve helped enough. If you want to help, just sit down and order food for me? Unless you’re going back home to eat with your dad.”

“Dad is out with his friends,” you tell him as you take out your phone. “I’d rather eat with you than by myself back home.”

The guy chuckles at this, the soft sound that you’re already used to and one that always manages to lift the corner of your lips. You don’t think anyone has ever had this effect on you before. But it’s Xu Minghao and you’ve learned that this guy is special in any possible way.

“What do you feel like eating?” you ask as you scroll through the delivery app. After contemplating for ten minutes, you eventually decide to just order from this Chinese takeout that Minghao often eats at.

“It’s pretty authentic,” he comments, telling you he orders from them every time he misses his hometown.

You nod as you listen to him talk about his hometown, how he moves to South Korea and why. So you tell him too about your story; the time you spend moving here and there, how it’s fun and it makes you all the more appreciative to the culture around you, but still a little lonely because you keep on changing friends and surroundings.

You can tell that Minghao is curious about your mom though he doesn’t say anything about it, but you can only hope that he has enough sense not to mention her--at least not now. You usually just say your mom has left a long time ago, which isn’t that far from reality if you think about it, but there’s something about Minghao that makes you feel like you don’t want to lie to him. Maybe it’s his scrutinizing eyes, maybe you’re just into him more than you think you are, but whatever it is, there’s this urge to always be honest with Minghao no matter what.

You throw your weight back to the wheeled chair on the back of the cashier, swaying yourself from side to side as Minghao tells you to wait here because he needs to do something in the back.

Now that everything’s practically done and you finally have the time to stop and unwind, you can feel the exhaustion settling inside your body. It has been a long day after all, but the thought of using your power to help someone--Minghao, on top of that--got you a little too giddy that you forgot about how tired you were even for a while. Plus, it’s been some time since you grow this many flowers at once that you’re exerting more energy than you usually would.

Oh well. You’re just happy you’re finally able to help someone with your power.

You glance at the potted plant next to the cashier machine, probably there for aesthetic reasons. It’s just a small, potted white orchid with pink accents adorning the flowers. You’re just about to reach out for it, your fingertips barely even touching it, when it’s suddenly surrounded by a soft pink glow.

You quickly sit up in panic, praying to everything out there that Minghao wouldn’t return now and--

“Hey, has the food arr--was the flower...glowing?” he blinks mid sentence, wondering if he sees wrong. He’s pretty sure he saw pink-ish light surrounding his orchid for a split second before it’s gone just like that. Is he more tired than he thinks he is?

Minghao isn’t sure what to make of your panicked look, but he’s even more confused with the way you look like you’ve been caught doing something you shouldn’t.

Fortunately for you, someone knocks on the glass door, announcing that the food you’ve ordered is here. Before you can offer, Minghao already goes to take the food, leaving you there to take a deep breath.

You’re so screwed, what do you even tell him?! Maybe you should try to convince him he’s seeing things even though the chance is pretty low. Xu Minghao is one of the most observant people you’ve ever seen in your life after all.

“Do you want to eat here or?” He asks, snapping you out of your thoughts.

“I don’t mind anywhere,” you shrug. So Minghao quietly drags another chair and sits across you, waiting for you to finish taking the containers out of the plastic bag.

He wonders if he should bring up the pink light from earlier, but the grumbling of his stomach tells him he should eat first and do it later.

“Oh!” You exclaim after your first bite, turning to Minghao. “This is very good? I don’t even usually like vegetables?”

Minghao laughs at your expression, something fond growing inside his chest as you keep on humming appreciatively everytime you take a bite. So far, a relationship has never been his priority, and it’s still not--but there are times when he’s started to wonder how it’ll be like to be involved romantically with you.

He’s lying if he says he considers you nothing but a friend; he doesn’t think about his friends like he does you, doesn’t smile at the thought of his friends right before he goes to bed, and he definitely doesn’t silently wish his friend would appear behind the closed rooftop door of his apartment when the day has been long and he wishes to unwind.

“What?” your voice brings him back to reality, and he calmly raises his eyebrow as if he hasn’t been boring holes into you.

“Nothing,” he says nonchalantly. “Just been some time since I eat dinner with someone else.”

“You don’t go out with your friends for dinner?” you ask, genuinely curious.

He nods, telling you his close friend works at the bar so it’s hard to find time to eat dinner together unless he goes there himself.

“You can join me and Dad some time,” you offer. “Dad always cooks so much so we end up eating the same thing for dinner and breakfast. Or maybe we can go try this restaurant in Hongdae next time, my coworker says it’s really pretty and it has an art studio at the back.”

Minghao holds back the urge to ask if you’re asking him on a date and settles for a smile and a nod, still not sure if you return the sentiments he's holding for you. As far as he knows, you just might be this warm and friendly to everyone you’re comfortable with. He cringes at how the thought stings a bit.

“This orchid is really pretty you know,” you say again, looking at the potted flower as if it didn’t freak you out just earlier. “How did you grow it this well? Aren’t orchids hard to take care of?”

He frowns and follows your line of sight, and then leans forward to take a careful look at the flower in surprise.

Minghao looks at it with a puzzled face, blinking continuously before he reaches forward to gently touch the flower buds. He doesn’t even answer when you ask if he’s okay, simply draws back his finger in surprise once it touches the orchid in question.

“Hao…?”

“Can you… touch it? And tell me how it feels?”

You comply, albeit confused at the request. “Okay…? It’s soft…?”

“It’s not stiff?”

“No…? Are they supposed to be stiff?”

His voice, purely laced with confusion, calls out your name, looking at you with a mix of bewilderment and pleasant surprise. “They’re supposed to be plastic.”

At the revelation, you stare at him in horror. That’s why it glowed pink. You had never encountered pink lights before; you know green appears when you resurrect or help plants grow, blue is for guarding fruits from insects, and yellow is to make sure the soil and the roots stay hydrated even if no one waters it. You don’t really like using your power unless you really need to, because there’s a different kind of satisfaction when you manage to grow them on your own without the help of, in a way, Persephone.

But pink? Even you thought you saw wrong.

In shock, you reach forward to touch the flower once more, only to have it glow green and rise a few centimeters from its original place.

You share a shocked look with Minghao, though he can tell there’s more than shock behind your eyes.

“I… um--I…” you stutter, feeling the need to defend yourself before Minghao gets the wrong idea.

No one but your dad knows about your power, not even Chaerin who you consider your closest friend. Once, you accidentally grew flowers in the playground in front of the other kids; you were only five and your power had only started to show. You can still remember the look of terror in their eyes, one of them cried so loud that their parents came to see what happened. They were unsure why the kid would cry when all she mentioned was you and flowers. Still, they figured you must’ve done something to the kid if she wouldn’t stop crying. You stopped coming to the playground shortly after that.

And then another case happened somewhere during junior high school. You had just gotten close to this girl and she told you about how much she wanted to see cherry blossom but couldn’t afford to go to Japan just to see them. So you thought you might as well make it happen, but when you gave her a cherry blossom bonsai that you made yourself, she told you you’re a fraud and there’s no way this could grow in a tropical country.

You figure your dad was right when he said not everyone would understand about your power even though flowers are harmless. Humans have the tendency to refuse to understand things that don’t make sense like your power.

Minghao looks around in surprise as he sees all of his flowers rowdily glowing different shades of lights. He doesn’t know for sure what on earth is happening, but if the fear in your eyes and some other things that have happened in your presence tell him anything, his flowers are probably resonating with the sudden wave of your emotion. You don’t seem to notice this though, fearful eyes only focused on him.

“Hey, it’s fine,” he says despite the loud ringing of his heartbeat. He slowly reaches for your hands, telling you to inhale and exhale at his cue to help you calm down. This seems to help, as the flowers have stopped glowing and the slight tremor in your hands has calmed too. “It’s fine, okay?”

You nod at this, hardly gulping as you ready yourself for what’s to come.

Minghao seems to notice this though, and then slowly stands up to kneel next to you, his long legs allowing him to still look at you comfortably.

“I promise you don’t need to be afraid,” he gently says as he takes your hands back in his, his soft tone soothing your heartbeat. “You don’t need to explain anything to me, but I’ll listen to anything you want to say, okay?”

You nod again before you squeeze his hands for comfort. You take a few more minutes to completely calm down, the warmth radiating from Minghao’s palms helping you in ways you don’t think possible. There’s a soft, patient smile on his face when you finally look back at him and tell him to take the seat next to you before you start explaining. So he does exactly that and doesn’t miss a second to hold your hands yet again once he’s settled next to you.

In a world this big, Minghao has always thought anything is possible. He doesn’t want to say he doesn’t believe in this and that, because who does he think he is to judge the existence of one thing and the other?

Still, it’s a lot to take in that a descendant of Persephone is in front of his very eyes. You even make a little daffodil appear out of nowhere on your palm, as if to prove you’re not messing around. He knows you’re not though, not because of your little showcase, but because the pure fear in your eyes can’t lie.

“It’s… freaky, right?” you laugh bitterly, looking down on the daffodil on your palm.

“I think you mean to say beautiful,” he says after a beat, not wanting to say the wrong thing. “You’re lucky to have the power to help these creatures grow, you know? They’re not like us humans, or even animals, that can defend themselves when it comes to it. You must be really special to be able to help them grow and protect them with your power.”

You look up in surprise at his words, and Minghao can’t help but smile wider in hope it’ll bring you comfort and convince you that he’s not just saying things.

“You know how much I love them, right? And I want you to know how envious I am of your gift,” he continues good-naturedly, telling you how he wishes he could’ve helped these plants like you can. “Like the way you helped my withered flower grow back, remember? You did that, didn’t you? I should thank you, really, you help me see what’s possibly the most beautiful flower I’ve ever seen in my life. My friend said he didn’t even know that flower could grow into that shape.”

“You’re not… afraid of me?” your small voice rings through the empty shop and his heart stings at how afraid you still sound even though he has never let go of your hands once.

“Why would I be?” he reassures you. “I just told you I’m envious of you, silly.”

You bite your lip at his words, unsure how to take this reaction. After hiding this for so long, you had never thought there would be anyone who understands--who will be holding your hands after seeing what happened earlier. But you’re not exactly surprised that Minghao will be the person to do this. If there’s anyone who would be willing to try to understand the unthinkable, it’s Xu Minghao. He doesn’t judge. He just listens and he accepts.

You squeeze his hands in gratitude, unable to say the words out loud at how overwhelming the whole thing is for you. Minghao seems to get it, though, as he always does. And when he takes one of your hands to drop a soft kiss on your knuckle, you know for sure that’s his way of telling you this is just the beginning of everything and more.

very unimportant A/N: at some point i was so fascinated with ancient greek myth and i was basically obsessed w Persephone and I actually covered Circe for my thesis hoho

526 notes · View notes

cornfarm · 3 years

Text

waves against the rocks

saiki kusuo x reader

word count: 2.0k

synopsis: you show saiki your powers. he’s unbearibly jealous, yet for the first time, he feels seen and understood by another person.

cws: mention of the reader having a bad family

genre: melancholic fluff

reader is gender neutral!

===================================================

notes:

greetings... i promise i’m working on cease and desist part 2 but i keep starting one shots;; I ALSO DECIDED TO CHANGE MY TEXT FORMAT... i yoinked all the capital letters away... it feels a bit more liberating

whenever i make my crazy op self insert oc, i always think about how i can make them a foil/double to the characters i like. for example my gintama s/i is also a traumatized war veteran. i thought like... wouldn’t it be fun to write the reader character as a direct foil AND double to saiki? they have everything he doesn’t, but he has a lot that they dont and it’s like,., mutual jealousy.

i also wanted to write saiki properly empathizing with someone. aiura and toritsuka are so fun because they both have different moral compasses with their powers and how they’d like to use them. however despite the fact theyre all psychics, saiki can’t really empathize with either of them.

i wanted to have saiki be excited about something, and feel truly seen. empathy is a very powerful thing.

i hope the “ability” i chose isn’t too cringe;;;

i can’t help but feel like i write saiki ooc so feedback would be super appreciated!

===================================================

perception. the way people are seen by others, the mental images and sour thoughts rooted in nothing but misconception. the falsafied persona of greatness, beauty, and kindness. perception.

you kept saiki afterschool. tugging at his sleeve, you quietly asked “i need to show you something, stay here for a few extra minutes?”. he refused you at first, but you stayed firm, “i need you to stay.” fierce. he decided to stay.

but you stood before saiki, right? were you there? he suddenly felt a bit weary, head pounding at the thought of you. your name, voice, scent, failing to find matches in his library of records. when he thought of you, his brain flickered through the faces and names of everyone else he knew.

you were a gap, a void, a sudden unconjurable memory. it was horrifying. but he quickly accepted it. the body circling behind of him was none of his concern, because there was nobody there. he supposes he should go home now. why was he standing alone in the classroom anyways?

firm hands land on his shoulders, warm, present. he remembers why he’s here.

“it’s not that i’m invisible, it’s just that your brain can’t recognize me, and refuses to acknolwedge me as a thing that exists.”

like a wave crashing against a rocky shore, the void is filled. your voice, your scent, your name, all slotted back into place in his mental library. he recognizes the hands on your shoulders as yours.

a hand snakes around and pushes up his glasses, covering his eyes.

“it’s not about visibility, it’s perception. you are unable to percieve me as a living thing, or of anything of importance. that’s why you can’t read my thoughts, and that’s why you’re so quick to give up trying to recall me.”

he’s practically trembling- you have one power. it was simple, but it managed to find a loophole around practically all of his.

“that’s terrifying.”

“right?”

you take your hands away and step in front of him. he adjusts his glasses properly.

“were you born with it?”

you nod, “it caused me trouble when i was a kid. i almost got left at an airport,” you chuckle.

“does anyone else know?”

“i’ve tried to tell my parents but they don’t believe me. they called me a liar and delusional, so i decided to stop trying with them. nobody else knows, i’ve never told any of my past friends either. when i found out about your powers, i thought maybe someone would finally understand. that’s the only reason i wanted to tell you.”

your lip quivers, “you believe me, right?”

truth be told, saiki’s stunned. he wasn’t expecting someone like you to have such an abrasive ability. despite how reclusive and fittingly unnoticeable it is, it was certainly powerful.

he’s jealous. you were able to freely aquire something he wanted- privacy, but he does believe you, afterall he just watched you waltz around him, outside of his keen field of view.

“yeah, i do.”

you smile, bright and wide- you’re nearly trembling. was being believed that big of a deal to you?

you take a step forward and embrace him, wrapping your arms around his torso as your head presses against his chest. he goes a bit stiff, and glances at the door. “hey, someone might walk in-”

“it’s fine.” you look up at him, meeting his eyes, and oh. your eyes are glimmering, shining greater than he’s ever seen them, “they won’t.”

burying your face back into him, he tenataively wraps his arms around your back. you continue, voice muffled, “’m sorry, you’re the first person who’s accepted me. i’m happy.”

the emotional explanation for your actions ease him a bit, “it’s fine.” he states back.

you finally pull away, and for a brief moment as you lose connection, you flicker out of his view, but you come back in again, placing your hand on his.

“actually, i can touch you while using my power without you being affected by them, but i’m manually using it on you right now.”

“if you touch someone while making sure they still can’t see you, what does that make them experience?” his voice is clear, a bit fierce in tone. you always had trouble reading saiki, but you could tell that this was interest. perhaps he was threatened, but he was certainly intrigued.

“they might whirl around and look who’s touching them and account it to a person around them, but if not, they might think they’re having sensory hallucinations. i can also talk to people, but because my voice doesn’t have any weight to it, it’s almost like a hypnotic suggestion.”

“so you can brainwash people?”

“not necessarily,” you let go of his hand, you must have released your power, your eyes are dark, “if i suggest something to someone and it’s something mild, they’re more likely to do it because it already falls into their line of thinking. if i suggest something bold, they might do it thinking it’s an impulsive thought.”

“most people won’t do extreme things, they’ll read those as intrusive thoughts. but sometimes people think my voice is the voice of god, or a passed on relative, and will do intense things regardless of their judgement. others have poor impulse control, and some are just batshit crazy.”

you sheepishly scratch your head, “but i don’t really like having that much control over people. i don’t want to use my powers to hurt anyone.”

“do you want to use them to help people?”

you pause. it seems you’ve thought about this quite a bit.

“well my powers can’t help people. they give me the ability to help people, but they can’t help people directly. i think it’s a matter of it i’m strong enough to help people.”

“are you?”

“would you hate me if i said no? of course i lend a hand to my friends when they need it, but i don’t think i’m strong enough to really make a difference. i want to live peacefully.”

you look down at your hands, “i wish i wasn’t born with it.”

saiki felt unnervingly softhearted. he struggled empathizing with his peers, but his heart pounded in solemn familiarity. “i don’t hate you for that, i’m the same. having the powers i do means i have the responsibility of keeping the world in peace. people would be jealous of me for the self-fulfilling purposes i could use my powers for, but i don’t want to use my powers to hurt people. i don’t want to help anyone either. i just want to be left alone.”

guilt. guilt was a disease, just like jealousy is. it eats at you from the inside, and creeps up at times least expected. it left both of you hollow and empty.

“i wish i didn’t have powers,” he continues, “i don’t think i’ve ever properly experienced life in the way i’m supposed to, like everyone else has. i’m envious of you, you’ve had a bit more normalcy than me.”

“i suppose we’re equally unhappy, then,” you smile at him. he had been staring out the window, but he turns to looks at you. you’re leaning on the door of the classroom, tilting your head, you ask him a silent “walk home with me?”.

“i mean,” you begin, “i’ve missed out on a lot. i’ve always had trouble making friends- my powers made it difficult for people to remain interested in me. i’ve gotten pretty good at controlling them, pk academy has been really good to me, but it doesn’t heal the damage it’s caused me.”

your teeth gnaw at your lower lip, “your family is so supportive of you, they love you so much, it makes me angry. i wish i could say the same about mine.”

it wasn’t too empty in the school, but your footsteps were loud and clear, both you and saiki walking in sync. saiki didn’t really know what to say, so he stayed silent.

sighing, you continue, “i don’t want to be alone, but it’s too easy to be reclusive when that’s where you’ve always been. if you live a life of isolation, making friends is scary and draining,” a grim smile forms on your face, as if you’re trying to comfort yourself.

but saiki does have to admit that the two of you have much more in common than he initially thought. he quietly thinks to himself, perhaps he could use your abilities.

“y/n,” he begins, eyes meeting yours, “will you do me a favor?”

“yeah, what is it?”

he doesn’t like being indebted to people, but he wants to test your limits. you don’t give him the chance to ask, “you want me to use my powers while we walk out together, don’t you.”

his mouth falls a bit open, lips parting, “how did you know?”.

you laugh, “you’re not the only one who can read minds,” and reach out to wrap a hand around his forearm. he raises a brow at you, seemingly amused by your comment. he expected you to take his hand again, but your firm grip on his arm was admitedly unexpected.

he felt his heart skip a beat.

“well? are you doing it?”

“yup, you won’t feel any different though.”

walking down the steps together, people passed the two of you, strangers, familiar faces, teachers. nobody noticed.

the two of you passed toritsuka at the steps, but he paid no mind. “you know,” saiki started, “when i use my invisibility power, that guy can still see me.”

“can he?” you murmur, your voice a bit low.

“if it’s easier, you can just think what you’d like to say to me, we can talk that way.”

you squint your eyes in concentration, “like this?” you think to yourself.

“yeah.”

you smile. you continue to hold onto his arm as he changes his shoes.

“that must be frustrating, that he can still see you.”

he nods. he supposes if toritsuka can’t see you, then aiura probably can’t track you- and him, down either.

“hold onto my arm while i change mine.”

without breaking contact, he gently wraps his fingers around your wrist. you hastily change your shoes, and slide your hand a bit up, taking his in yours.

“is it neccesary to hold hands?” he asks. his expression was nearly deadpanned, but the slight crease in his brows communicated just enough. he felt sheepish, a bit lost.

“no, but it’s nice.”

teruhashi stands idly at the exit, waiting, doing her best to gently shake off the boys that surrounded her.

“she’s looking for me.”

“is she? do you want to talk to her?”

“no.”

you pause.

“is she the reason you asked me to do this for you?”

he nods.

you turn and head towards the gate, but not before waving a hand in front of her face. you take a deep breath, before exclaiming a loud “teruhashi!”. she whirls around, trying to find the source of the voice, looking rather bewildered.

letting out a hearty laugh, you grin up at him. a slight huff of air escapes his upturned lips.

the two of you slip past the front gate.

“but you owe me something in return, i don’t give out my labor for free!”

he sighs, “what would you like?”

“wait, really? i was joking, you don’t have to do anything for me!” you double down on your demands.

“you say that, but i know you’re secretly hoping i’ll treat you.”

“shit, i forgot you can read my mind. that’s so invasive.” you pout, “not fair!”

“it’s fine, i don’t like being indebted to people, and you did do me a favor like i asked, so i’ll take you somewhere.”

you look a bit nervous, “really? you’re sure?”

“just accept the offer before i revoke it.”

you twirl in a circle, letting go of his hand and hopping a few steps ahead of him. “you’re buying me a nice coffee then!”

he lunges out to take it again.

“sure.”

and once more in sync, both of your hearts skip a beat.

#im sorry for writing so much friends to lovers in the pining stage i can't help it /j #the disaster of psi kusuo saiki #the disasterous life of saiki k #saiki k #saiki kusuo #saiki kusuo x reader #saiki k imagines #saiki k headcanons #saiki x reader

366 notes · View notes

ashenberry · 3 years

Note

hey i dont know why but you seem to subtly imply you dont exactly appreciate whatever the magical turnabout had to offer.

,,care indulge me in these anti 6-2 feelings

ehehe

spoilers for 6-2 and probably aa4 under da cut

this case is like a culmination of almost everything I dislike about soj But I’m gonna start with THE POSITIVES the PLUSES the PROS

•the investigation is super fun actually

•anytime we get to see the show ^-^ you go girl

•I like the twins

alright. Now that we got that out of the way

The Trucy

augh. It flattered her character to like a generic performers anxiety. I had a friend point this out to me but aa4 Trucy has a deep love and respect for professionals. it’s something unique to her! it gives her an interesting depth and in magical all she has is perfectionism and sHE SHOULDNT HAVE BEEN THE PERCIEVE TUTORIAL i DO think she should have had a breakdown given. fuckin everything but I think it should have been later I think she should of held it together a little more cause as it there is not enough buildup to give it the weight it deserves. Trucy is aa assistant archetype a she is very good at hiding her emotions I think it would have worked better either during a recess or the end of the trial but as is she cries once and is over it and. aug. For comparison at the end of the game when Apollos leaving she hardly gets a line to talk to him so it REALLY feels. artificial igues. Trucy u deserved so much better

Setup

should have mentioned set up earlier tee hee anyways it’s very clear they wanted an Apollo defending Trucy senario and like. Fair good call but I hate the way it’s done. They have Phoenix miss his daughters (who he loves very much) first televised magical show over a false alarm because if they did have Phoenix in the country no way in hell was he gonna let Apollo take the case and oops! They already gave him his job back last game so they can’t use that excuse! Honestly this doesn’t annoy me as much as it did when I was playing the case but I do think something ala monsterous would have been way more interesting with Phoenix trying to take the fall for Trucy and that becoming a whole thing

(but ashen! You say, what about ahlbi‘s trial? first of all. story contrivance it can happens whenever second of all you can have Maya take his defense without moving when it takes place and then I don’t have to watch Phoenix be cringe and blantsntly disrespect other cultures (another one of sojs major issues))

Mr Reus

this is a really blatant retcon that annoys the hell out of me because aa4 had a whole ass case about how there wasn’t another gramarye cmon guys. Easy fix just make him a syndrome type he has never actually talked to a gramarye he just thinks he’s sick and HATES Trucy for being cooler. Manov Mistree you will be missed

Really Really bad pacing

this case feels long as fuck and that’s because of two (2) reasons. First off, it’s a near perfect murder. Honestly feels like your running in place until the end i sucks to get through and aa’s most egresious example of this type of case. This is compounded by the fact that honest to god gameplay wise Nahyuta is the worst prosecutor. Unlike the trilogy prosecutors who suffer from chronic hubris or klav/Simon/Zieks who do want to discover the truth behind the crime and will help you get there, Nahyuta does fuckin nothing and feels like he doesn’t want to be there. Tells you to find the holy mother in your heart and then tries to end the trial every other line. It is a battle to get this guy to talk about the case and i Wanna say magical is where it’s the worst but I didn’t even truly finish rite of the turnabout so

Other Grevinces I can think of right now

• sojs creep quota I don’t know why it has one but this case has the cameraman

• Start of sojs building up Apollo for 6-5B and honestly. not his most impressive win for them to by hyping up

•I think these are general soj grievances oops. I think trucys face looks weird in this one compared to dd

• valant should’ve been mentioned I miss that fuck. I think he’s in jail but it’s never mentioned in the english versions of the games so I choose to believe he’s trapped in borginia

•he might’ve been mentioned honestly it’s been a year and I don’t want to revisit this case. Poor Trucy chose the weekend when everyone was out of town

•no way was that contract legally binding Trucy is not a legal adult get fucked reus

#soj spoilers #the soj rant… sorta #HOPE it’s coherent I’m sure I got some stuff wrong again. It’s been a year #ashen.rambles #ashen.asks #thank you for asking joey love complaining ❤️

9 notes · View notes

umbillicalnoose · 5 years

Note

i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

74 notes · View notes