#feeling weird tonight anyway and mum made me doubt myself earlier so i think i just need some reassurance or something | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

strange-where-the-birds-go · 3 years

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Lights At The Top Of The Stairs

Part 1.

I lived until I was 7 years old with my Nan. My nan and granddad were like my mum and dad and I loved them dearly. I frequently had strange dreams and occurrences happen to me as a child and they have only got stronger and stranger the older I got particularly the past few years. This recurring dream involved an old film camera and strangely enough an immense feeling of euphoric pleasure, fantastic experiences and visitors at weird times and in funny circumstances. The dream was one of three that I had all the time the first one happened when I was young and involved me taking photographs of lampposts, (I know I still don’t get it even now, maybe one day I may understand it’s strange. But it gets even stranger I assure you as you will no doubt find out if you follow the story. So strange you will probably find it all very hard to believe. But on my nans life and grave god bless her it’s all true. The lampposts featured in the dream was on the street where I lived as a child. The other two dreams and all the events in my life I want to explain, I will get to as I post these episodes each day. The synchronicity events and strangeness of it all should eventually become clear and leave you questioning things in your own life and what they may mean. Maybe you have had similair experiences as myself I am almost certain there will be people out there. Get in touch and comment I will be happy to reply.

Thinking from the present as I am writing this, I felt that my childhood dreams couldn’t be ignored but now looking back maybe they shouldn't have been followed considering what happened when I followed my dreams thinking it would be nothing but all good turned into something entirely different. Hopefully eventually I will understand why, what the dream meant, if anything at all. I hope it all becomes a happy positive event and not regretting my choices as I started to after the nightmare that entered my life.

It was a warm, hopeful summer, many years after the events I explain to you here that I remembered the childhood dreams. It was a summer where dreams seemed real and obtainable. I didn't want to be just another faceless nobody, with no real reason or meaning in my life. The idea of not doing anything worth while scared me, and that's all there was to it. The dream I had as a child was going to be followed with all my will, I just didn’t expect it to lead me where it eventually did. I just wanted to do well for my family. I can’t travel back and change things. I can now only hope for the best.

My mum gave birth to me at a young age and I went to live with my grandma. I called my grandma mum and always used to get my mum and nan’s names mixed up when I talked to them so this was the appropriate solution to me as a child. When I was living with my nan-mum I had a very strange dream whilst lying on my bed upstairs. I always until this day remember the dream. It’s what I influenced me me greatly to start my photographic journey.

I was settling down in the living room waiting for my Nan to come home. Strange visions and flashbacks in daydreams. knowledge I always wondered how I knew at a young age. My mum lived in a flat and felt it would be better on that I stayed with my nan while she worked to get money and a stable life for us. I was young anyway and loved my Nan and grandad and tonight I was looking forward to spending time with my them.

My Nan had been longer than usual this evening and I was getting worried. We were going to watch a spooky film together because it was Halloween. “Where’s nan gone Grandad” My 5 year old self said “ She’s ran off with the milk man” came the reply. I never really understood what this meant, just a funny remark at the time knowing my grandads humour.

The key turned in the front door and I felt better glad his Nan was home and safe. My grandad shouted “ be back later Mary there’s some money on top of the television if you need anything I wont be too long, going to speak to a man about some work tomorow” and with that my grandad went out on foot to the local for a few pints.

Nan took off her head scarf, quickly hung it up and threw her anorak over the back of the chair. She walked slowly towards the roaring coal fire to warm up her hands, carefully avoiding the tin bath prepared for the school bath earlier. She lit up a cigarette and sat in the chair opposite the brown veneered square TV set with the 50p box on the side slowly winding its way down ready for another hexagonal queens head. The air was stale, thick with smoke and the smell of cigarettes as she inhaled twice slowly blowing the smoke towards the ceiling and away from me. Feeling satisfied She turned to me. Ive got some jacket potatoes in the oven and treacle toffee, oh and toffee apples as well your favourite. I know its early but we can treat ourselves while we watch the movie, and why not”. “Thanks mum... nan”. I regularly stuttered and got names mixed up. “Thanks nan, are you looking forward to the scary move?” I can only remember seeing a large black Alsatian but having ominous feelings about this dog and the music in the film was eerie, more scary than the actual film at the time. We didn’t get to watch much of it. The tv went black and the 50p meter clicked loudly asking for another coin. Mary got up and went to the top of the tv looking for that big silver piece, inverted triangles that meet in the centre, in the pile of coins Grandad had left for nan “ I’m afraid we haven’t got any 50ps. We will have to wait until your grandad gets back now, isn’t that a shame I was enjoying that, Just when it was getting good as well”

I felt slightly fed up and walked into the kitchen to get a toffee apple. Pausing at the bottom of the stairs in the hallway I peered up to the bedroom landing. More scared now than after watching the actual film. I was thinking of the lights that came. I didn’t understand what they were but they made me feel anxious and scared. I wouldn’t look straight up tothe top of the stairs as it was too scary I had to peer out from the corner of my eye to check everything was ok up there and when I realised it was I hurriedly half jumped half ran across the front door hallway into the kitchen not once looking behind until I was at the toffee apples in the cupboard. Then peeling the yellow plastic wrapper off the sticky apple I took a bite as quickly as possible making sure to get as much of that red toffee in my mouth as possible and avoid the sour apple. I started hopping on the spot needing the toilet. The dread filled me as I knew I couldn’t go on my own up those stairs towards where the light came from. The light might get me. “ NANN, MUMM, NANN. I need the toilet will you sit on the stairs whilst I go please I’m bursting. “OK, But you should be able to go yourself”. I stood at the gas iron cooker and waited until nanmum appeared at the bottom of the stairs so I could approach the crooked steps, the lights formed in my sub conscious worried that very real and strange wisp of light might make another appearance. WHAT WAS IT. I ran to the bathroom at the top of the crooked stairs, terrified of the light appearing. I knew how it felt, never threatening at all the last time in fact quite the opposite but I was young and the not knowing scared me. “Nan don’t move, stay sat there please, I’m watching, if you go I wont be able to have a wee”, “ I wont move an inch you know that I wont” “I knew she wouldn’t let me down and trusted her more than anything” I ran up the stairs as quickly as possible looking back every two steps to make sure she hadn’t gone. When reaching the top step I kept my head and eyes straight forward not daring to look right or left and quickly went to the toilet pushing outwards as fast as possible always keeping the door open and making a backward glance towards Her for reassurance. No quicker was I finished and I was halfway back down those stairs again breathing heavily with the exertion and back with his nan. “ Why do you do that”, she said “The light comes nan it scares me” “What light?” “ I cant tell you, I want to, but I cant tell you”. Nan rolled her eyes and said, “You’ve been watching too many horror movies at aunty carols your imagination is wild”. I didn’t even hear Marys remark I was just so relieved to be back beside his nan and safe again.

Nan eventually found a 50p and walked over to the meter fumbling to find the right angle, the perfect spot so it would wind and drop, it clicked and fell into the empty box readily, having been emptied the day before. The TV came to life and Mary switched over to coronation street. Hilda was sat with Stan underneath the triple flying ducks in the living room and it reminded Stefan of his nan and grandad, Gail was also my other mum. I always made these comparisons with everyone in the tv and read their names backwards. “thats enough scary movies for tonight said nan. I think its best don’t you” “Aww Nan I wanted to watch till the end”.

My nan didn’t answer. She just gave me that look. She always knew the answer it was a sort of instinct she had. A knowing. We connected like that. We rarely had to speak we both knew the other like the inside of a well read secret book. I always felt content around her, it was like she could read my mind and the looks she gave me spoke a thousand words resonating on a much deeper level. When you feel the answer with your subconscious voice, those continuous thoughts, in your mind you don’t have to speak but your heart knows.

I was getting sleepy now but my stress levels were rising with the thought of bedtime, they always did especially on a Sunday night, a school night brought depression. It wasn’t school though that scared me, a small part maybe, but it was knowing I had to go to bed early on my own and face the light and the vastness of open space. The people in my dreams. The place between awake and falling asleep where the strange existed. The light outside the door on the landing, so bright and beautiful it would fill my room when I shut my eyes. When it touched my mind I was taken away to an immense blackness of what seemed like outer space. Where feelings crossed over and smells mixed with colours in ultraviolet strings that wrapped around my arms and merged with needles that pierced the tips of my fingers in moments of pleasure accompanied by a peculiar watering of the mouth, a sickly feeling. Floating around in what seemed like an endless universe of random screen images. Pixelated people and smooth two dimensional places wrapped up in tubes of light. It made no sense at all but felt strange and infinite, never endingly good at the same instant. Chattering noises and a great feeling of love wrapped in greater love and surrounded by humanoid like shapes manipulating it like a Rubin’s cube in an instance where all time stood still. silence for what felt like an eternity of singular moments posed inside each other, but was only a second in reality. Not past, present or future but only “is”. The light was so bright and perfect it became transparent emotion to the pit of my soul. To me it was normal I thought everyone must get visits by the light people. I find it hard to explain the happenings now I’ve grown up, but as a child I just couldn’t comprehend what was happening and that night was the start of something strange and beautiful that led to the worst and best time of my life all wrapped into one. If only I understood it as I understand things now as I walked towards the crooked stairs.

#nonfiction #short story #my story #writing #novelist #strange #writer #writers on tumblr

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thestylesproject · 7 years

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#46 What Have I Done? (Harry Styles)

SINCE YOU LOVE MY ANGST.

Hello! I am back from Greece so you can expect a lot more work coming up so, if you have any requests from my precious work that you want me to complete, please tell me!

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“Remember we can walk out any time you want,” I told Patrick as we climbed down the steps of the hall where people were dancing to loud music, with a band playing old songs and everyone with a glass of some kind of alcohol in it. It was the best of the parties this town sees about two times every year at the Styles mansion. His mother’s house was clearly smaller than his, and he had to open the doors a few times to validate the house of its existence. “Remember that we are not wanted here by the host, I’m sure. And, he will be anything but nice to me so, we rather just leave as fast as possible.”

“Why are we here if this is the case? Is it because everyone you know is here? Because I was fine with going for the movie tonight as well, you know that. I don’t need this party to enjoy my time here with you,” Patrick was my new best friend. He and I met at our Uni and one single joke and have been strong ever since. I brought here, to my hometown. Well, the place I spent 6 years of my teenage years at least in, and I couldn’t avoid this party as much as I wanted.

“We are here because his mother invited us. And, it wasn’t a single call invite. It was a 4-5 times confirmation of ‘I hope you’re coming,’ ‘we will see you at the party,’ ‘you have to come,’ that you can’t avoid. Plus, this family is really close to mine and, just because my parents have shifted, I can’t be in town and not show up.”

“But, he hates you! That is what you said? He hates you and has been horrible to you, and this is his party!” Patrick was absolutely confused why I was here. Heck, I was confused as well. I just couldn’t say no to his mother. They had helped me a lot when my parents left for work in my final year, and I don’t think I could have coped if she and his sister weren’t there.

“Let’s just show our face and leave in a while, okay?” I showed him my puppy eyes, and he smiled.

“Whatever you want, and you look pretty awesome so, maybe there is a little less hatred tonight,” He laughed.

“Yeah yeah, praise your own handiwork,” I hit him on his arm and walk down to the bar trying to find people. Everyone from high school was here. Did people make it to town just for his party?

“You know I always thought he was such an angel? Like the nicest guy on the planet, polite to everyone,” Patrick’s view on him was as good as anybody who didn’t know him.

“Yeah, he mostly is. I just tick something off in him. Maybe it’s my face, I’ll never know,” I tell him.

“So he is a horrible person?” He asks.

“To me…to everyone else, he is the perfect man. There’s Anne, let’s go say hi and then, we can leave!” I said, pulling his arm towards her.

“Anne!” I greeted her, and she hugged me back as tightly as she could.

“Oh god, you look so beautiful and so grown up! Robin, look who is here!” Her smile always made my day.

“Oh love!” Robin hugged me. “How is your work going? You, girl, got placed at an excellent place!” he said, and I agreed.

“This is Patrick, my friend from Uni and work, I’m showing him the town here,” The greeting took place as I scanned the crowd for other familiar faces. There were so many. “Is Gemma here?” I asked in hope.

“Yes, she must be around, wait let me bring her here!” Robin said, as he went and looked for her before I could protest. Anne left to play host in a few more minutes, and we turned around and walked towards the balcony to not interact with any more people than required.

“So, don’t they know how their son treats you?” He asked.

“Well, earlier in high school, it was just in person, and then it turned to among his friends. When I last came back from Uni for a few days, Anne asked me to live with her and, it was then, in front of them. I, usually don’t come back here. Nor is he ever here, not like he always hated me. We used to be friends, you know. Then he left, and when he came back, it got weird.”

“Left for X factor?”

“Yeah, anyway, let’s not indulge in this anymore, it’s a waste of time. It’ll be great if we can leave here as fast as possible as well,” I turned around, leaning against the railing, scanning the crowd again. There he was, in white this time. This man could carry off anything given to him to wear. I tried noting the changes in him, as fast as I could. “You know when I was young, and the first time, he was really cruel to me, I was told, maybe it’s because he liked me, secretly and umm, he just couldn’t tell me. Stupid things we are fed as children.”

“Who told you this?” Patrick laughed.

“Gemma…I had gone asking her what I did wrong, and that was her explanation. She should have just told me simply, that he doesn’t like you and she doesn’t know the reason. If a guy likes you, he’ll make it happen. Not be vicious to you instead, and ruin your high school experience. He had three girlfriends that year. Such patriarchal assumptions to let the guy go scot free,” I shook my head, turning around.

“And you still don’t know why?” I laughed and said no. “I just don’t see anybody hating you like that? It’s just so strange, like remember that case with Ashley or Kyle? They both love you now, and they didn’t earlier because they thought you didn’t like talking to them because of your initial phase of being quiet and…hey! Can that be the reason? That he thinks you don’t like him?” Patrick jumped.

“What shitty novel have you been reading? No! He used to be my friend. Like a good one! And, I used to talk to him plenty!”

“Well, there he is. He does look exquisite though, like really good,” Patrick commented.

“Control your hormones. You’re supposed to be on my side if anything happens! And you have your boyfriend, might I add!”

“No trouble in appreciating beauty! He is beautiful though, you have to agree!”

“He is,” I smiled looking away.

“You never had a crush on him? Like even, when you were said, friends?”He asked.

“Umm…I don’t know. I don’t think so, but I was pretty oblivious to the said feelings. I had a lot more going on with my parents leaving and school pressure, and he became well…before I could actually harbour any such emotions.”

“How sad, I’d like to kiss him.”

“I’m already losing the battle, and he has not even noticed us,” I groaned.

“No? He has been staring this side, every few seconds,” Patrick observed.

“What? Well, don’t stare back!” I hit him.

“I’m not, look at these frames! They are pretty misleading. I can look at you, and you’ll never surely know.”

“Let’s not give him that doubt, either.” I gulped my remaining drink and looked for Gemma. It had been 30 minutes already. 30 more, and I could disappear.

“Too late, he is walking towards us!” Patrick elbowed me, and I stood up. Taking a deep breath, I ran a hand through my hair and turned around. I swear his eyes grew colder when they looked at me.

“Addison Bailey,” His voice was so much deeper.

“Harry Styles,” I nodded. “How are you? This is my friend, Patrick,” I smiled. He nodded and gave a small smile in his direction.

“I hope you’re having a nice time.”

“Yes, all great!” Patrick responded.

“I didn’t know you were in town,” He looked at me. I could hear the controlled voice. So could Patrick, as I saw his eyebrows raise. “I found out this morning.”

“Oh, umm I have been here for a few days. It was nice for Anne to invite me,” I kept my cool.

“Yeah, of course, it was. You must be ecstatic,” he smirked.

Whatever that meant, “Yes, of course. She is family.”

“Like that means anything to you,” He spoke.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I didn’t say anything, and I knew this would lead to this.

“Excuse me, I am going to get a glass of water,” Patrick said and walked away. A few steps later, he gave me a direction to leave.

“I’m going to get myself a glass, as well,” I said.

“Running away again,” He laughed viscously.

“Yes, I have better things to do than being insulted by you, every time you meet me,” I said, and a few people turned to look in our direction and then talked within themselves. I could see him get angry.

“You should leave,” He said.

“What?” I said, shocked.

“Leave. Now.” He said again, just louder so, the people around us could hear it. I could hear my cheeks turn red, as a tear fell down.

“What did I do to you?” I whispered.

“Addison!” I heard Gemma yell, as she came to the balcony. She stopped when she looked at me and then, Harry.

“What did you do, Harry?” She asked him.

“Nothing, it’s my house, my party,” saying that he walked away.

Gemma turned to me, as I wiped my tear, “Hey, it’s okay. What happened?”

“Nothing, I’m going to leave. Thank you so much for inviting me. It was lovely seeing you again,” I hugged her and walked away. Taking Patrick’s hand, we both left the party as the voice of Gemma calling my name died with the sound of the music.

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“I’ll go meet her for an hour and then, come back. Will you be fine?” I asked Patrick.

“Yes, I am a man, I can take care of myself,” He nodded.

“My God, such declarations!” I laughed. Gemma wanted me to meet her once for coffee. She repeatedly asked me, apologising for the party and I wanted to meet her as well. I walked to their house and rang the bell. “Oh my god,” I turned around as Harry opened the door.

“Addison!” Gemma rushed and hugged me. Pulling me inside, I saw coffee brewing on the stove and two glasses out.

“What’s happening Gem, you told me-“ I was cut before that.

“Yes, I know what I told you. And I know what I told you as well, Harry. But, what happened at the party was not acceptable, and I want you guys to talk and clear it out. You guys used to be friends, and as far as I know, and as far is this girl knows, we don’t know what happened Harry, and you need to stop being like this. I know you’ll say it means nothing to you, but it does to mum, and it upsets her so, do it for her,” she kept taking back a step towards the door.

“You have no right-“Harry started.

“Yes, but what are you going to do about that? The back door is closed, and this door will be locked so, you pretty much are stuck. Bye!” and before we both could say anything, she locked the door from outside and left.

“What the hell,” it happened so fast that I didn’t have time to respond. I looked for my phone to call a cab and leave, but I couldn’t find it. Meanwhile, Harry did the same, but couldn’t find any of his either.

“She took my phone as well!” He yelled, and I flinched.

I took a deep breath and just sat back, while he cursed and moved back and forth the hallway. After many ‘how could she do this,’ and ‘where am I stuck,’ he tired himself out and sat down. “I’m getting the coffee,” I said and two hot cups of coffee and placed them on the table.

“You know this is all because of you, right?” He said.

“Yes Harry, I figured you’ll start insulting me for however long we are stuck here the first minute that door closed. So carry on,” I shrugged and sat back with my coffee. He looked at me shocked and in anger. I never responded like this. In a second, he thrashed the cup of coffee, and it fell all over the floor, breaking the cup. I sunk in the sofa cushions, trying to hide myself from whatever he was about to do next. It was an hour until he calmed down. The floor was clean now, he did that fifteen minutes before and now sat with a fresh cup in his hands.

“How could you do that to me?” He said, and I looked up frowning. What have I done that is so bad?

“I mean, I know you’re an opportunist. How do I know that? Cause I am one too! But, I was your best friend. You sent me to X factor, convinced my entire family to let me go and there when I waited for you to show up, you didn’t because you got the internship? And, all this time while I kept thinking that you were such a great friend, it was just so you could remove my name from the list and put yours?” He looked at me, his eyes wet.

“Harry…”

“Did you for one second think that if this audition didn’t work out, you would be stealing the best opportunity I would have ever had to get into college in one go. Did you even think about me? And, if this wasn’t enough, you threatened Carla to break up with me. How sick could you get? And it seems so petty now that I am still holding onto this, but I can’t pretend to hug you and love you when you completely betrayed me. After all my family did for you, you just kicked me back,” he pointed his finger at me.

I took a deep breath, realising his reasons for hating me, realising how misunderstood everything was, “Alright, first of all, Carla was cheating on you. With Marcus that too, all I threatened her with was that I will tell you first, so I don’t know why you are angry because, if you would have liked to find them at it and then break up, than her telling you and breaking up first then, it’s my bad, I’m sorry, but I was looking out for you.” I kept my coffee cup down.

“That is not what Carla told me,” Harry, now shocked, accused me again.

“Well then, obviously, you believe Carla more than me, so this conversation is redundant. And what did she even tell you? Why would I ask her to break up with you? And why would she in the world listen to me? A junior who has nothing to do with her?”

Harry was quite shocked. He was thinking about everything over again. I took off my shoes and climbed closer to him, but still holding on to my pillow. “She told me you loved me and were making up lied about her and other people and that she couldn’t bear it anymore.” He said, in a softer voice.

“Loved you?” He looked up at me.

“Ye-yeah.”

“So, instead of asking me about these said feelings that made me do such a thing and break your six-month relationship, you just became horrible to me?”

“What was I supposed to do? What would you do when you find out your best friend is an absolute bitch?”

“An absolute bitch who loves you?” I raised my eyebrow, clearing out all the complications in his words. “You ask her about it, nor she isn’t your best friend, which I clearly wasn’t now, that we realise.”

“Don’t put this blame on me!” He shouted.

“Don’t raise your voice! You’re accusing me of something I never did because your cheating girlfriend said so! Stop being and idiot and be so emotionally involved that everything around you blinds you! And as far as the internship is concerned, I didn’t write my name, it was offered to me.”

“Offered to you?” He laughed.

“Why you think I was not capable? You didn’t even tell me you got the internship, in the place where I wanted to work for the longest time. I didn’t know it was yours. I convinced you for X-factor because I knew you were miserable going for anything else. And prayed it worked out for you every moment,” I had my own tears leaking out, now. “I worked shit hard, and you know it. With everything going on, I was considered even though I was a year junior. I was the second to your name which I found out after they offered me the internship.”

He looked at me, taking it all in, “what did you want me to say to them? Oh wait, let Harry come back from this excellent opportunity he has at X Factor, and if there it doesn’t work out for him, and if he plans to come back, and if he does not choose this dream internship of mine, I will take it? Who the fuck do you think you are? You have everything Harry. A family that has supported you throughout, a good career, so much, and I had my parents leave me here, to go on world tour. They didn’t pay for my education, the company did. They gave me a scholarship, so I am sorry, I am not apologising for taking an opportunity which could help me when you had something better going on for you in every way.”

I sat back, and took a sip of my coffee, “and if this is the reason that you have insulted me repeatedly, again and again, while I have kept my heart in front of you, ruined prom, made me feel absolutely worthless cause why will Harry Styles hate you, if you aren’t actually horrible, then I am glad that, I am not your friend. Because you’re not worth it. You are absolutely sick, and I hate you.”

“Oh my god! You guys are talking!” Gemma walked through the door and kept the phones on the table, “I’m so glad!”

I took a moment to wear my shoes halfway, pick my bag up and phone from the counter and walk out. “Addison,” Harry held my arm, as I turned around to see him crying.

“Fuck you, Harry.”

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