#every day feels like endurance

[piplupod]

i need to lie down and curl into a ball and tuck myself into a box and be gently lowered into the earth i think. and just stay there for a few days... years... however long it needs to be until i can exist without feeling like i am a prey animal being hunted for sport every day !!!!!!!

#And Suddenly Everything Felt Overwhelming Again. And Suddenly Reality Opened Its Eyes And Gazed Into My Own. #I can't even think straight like... how do people live entire lives #how do they exist without forcing themselves to continue every day and ignore the clanging bells of how Bad it all is #how do ppl ignore the siren song of how fragile the body is and how easy it would be to break the thread keeping the self alive #like i do think maybe death should not be such an easily obtainable thing. its so tempting and i hate it #I Don't Know !!!! head in my hands. i did not eat lunch today because I felt so bad so maybe that has made things worse #it has definitely made things worse. i want to have an existence where I do not feel this bad so often. #this is not a life to live. this is an existence to endure. i am tired i am tired i am tired. #but it will be okay again soon after I eat and distract myself. life is happy and wonderful when i do not Remember it All. god. #please ignore me as i throw a tantrum fdsjkl i am embarrassed in advance honestly. something is not right in my head right now.

[wonder-worker]

I've been thinking about the tragedy of Elizabeth Woodville living to see the death of her family name.

I don't mean her family with her husband, which lived on through her daughter and grandson. I mean her own.

Her sisters died, one by one, many of them after 1485. When Elizabeth died, only Katherine was left, and she would die before the turn of the century as well.

All her brothers died, too. Lewis died in childhood. John was executed. Anthony was murdered. Lionel died suddenly in the peak of Richard's reign, unable to see his niece become queen. Edward perished at war. Richard died in grieving peace. For all the violence and judgement the family endured, it was "an accident of biology" that ended their line: none of the brothers left heirs, and the Woodville name was extinguished. We know the family was aware of this. We know they mourned it, too:

“Buy a bell to be a tenor at Grafton to the bells now there, for a remembrance of the last of my blood.”

Elizabeth lived through the deposition and death of her young sons, and lived to see the end of her own family name. It must have been such a haunting loss, on both sides.

#(the quote is by Richard Woodville in his deathbed will; he was the last of the Woodville brothers to die) #elizabeth woodville #woodvilles #my post #to be clear I am not arguing that the death of an English gentry family name is some kind of giant tragedy (it absolutely the fuck is not) #I'm trying to put it into perspective with regards to what Elizabeth may have felt because we know her family DID feel this way #writing this kinda reminded me of how I am just not fond at all about the way Elizabeth's experiences in 1483-85 are written about #and the way lots so many of the unprecedentedly horrifying aspects are overlooked or treated so casually: #the seizure and murder of two MINOR sons and the illegal execution of another; #her sheer vulnerability in every way compared to all her queenly predecessors; how she was harassed by 'dire threats' for months; #how she had 5 very young daughters with her to look after at the time (Bridget and Katherine were literally 3 and 4 years old); #how unprecedented Richard's treatment of her was: EW was the first queen of england to be officially declared an adulteress; #and the first and ONLY queen to be officially accused of witchcraft #(Joan of Navarre was accused of her treason; she was never explicitly accused of witchcraft on an official level like EW was) #the first crowned queen of england to have her marriage annulled; and the first queen to have her children officially bastardized #what former queens endured through rumors* were turned into horrifying realities for her. #(I'm not trying to downplay the nightmare of that but this was fundamentally on a different level altogether) #nor did Elizabeth get a trial or appeal to the church. like I cannot emphasize this enough: this was not normal for queens #and not normal for depositions. ultimately what Richard did *was* unprecedented #and of course let's not forget that Elizabeth had literally just been unexpectedly widowed like 20 days before everything happened #I really don't feel like any of this is emphasized as much as it should be? #apart from the horrifying death of her sons - but most modern books never call it murder they just write that they 'disappeared' #and emphasize that ACTUALLY we don't know what happened to them (this includes Arlene Okerlund) #rather than allowing her to have that grief (at the very least) #more time is spent dealing with accusations that she was a heartless bitch or inconsistent intriguer for making a deal with Richard instead #it also feels like a waste because there's a lot that can be analyzed about queenship and R3's usurpation if this is ever explored properly #anyway - it's kinda sad that even after Henry won and her daughter became queen EW didn't really get a break #her family kept dying one by one and the Woodville name was extinguished. and she lived to see it #it's kinda heartbreaking - it was such a dramatic rise and such a slow haunting fall #makes for a great story tho

[mintcrows]

they really did her dirty

like i understand starguardians are supposed to be anime and cute and whatever the fuck but league already doesnt have women that leave the mold or leaves the mold without having necessarily conventionally attractive traits (like two of the older women having close to no wrinkles and curvy bodies) and idk man, i know its not that important but it feels weird removing all the seams and gaps from orianna even if she’s not a real human (without mentioning now she just looks like riven with a dress LMAO)

#minty rants #like i see people eating this shit up #and its so sad #if you like orianna so much why do you like they take her outside appearance of a robot #for a bland woman that is kind of a robot in lore but that just feels bleh #let her be a robot #a real one #its not enough having that bullshit on her back #either way ingame she's gonna look wack and say the same voiceline every 3 seconds so at the end of the day the real losers are #the orianna mains because they have to endure that shit

[freakystinky]

the way tumblr talks about medicine makes me wonder how many of us here actually have critical thinking skills

#stop trying to explain shit you know nothing about so you can frame it negatively for clout!!!! literally knock it off!!! #there are so many valid opinions but i don’t understand this and therefore it’s bad “ is NOT one of them actually #fuck it’s far from perfect but seeing people talk about people I work with every day as if they’re monsters is honestly so tiring #it’s just all over my dash #if you read something and it confuses you and that makes you angry #the solution is NOT to make a tumblr post flaming it with all of your misinformation and undereducated opinions #“it is batshit to base dx criteria on statistics “ NO IT IS NOT NO IT IS NOT NO IT IS NOT ARE YOU STUPID??????? #THIS IS STEM LITERALLY EVERYTHING IS MATH WHAT THE HELL DO YOU M E A N ????? #literally like!!! 90% of dx criteria involves statistical probability!!!! doctors prescribe statins because you are statistically likely #to develop heart disease or endure a major cardiac event #like they calculate your disease risk based on averages and so so so much data and math and shit THAT YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!!!! #so why are you complaining about it as if you do!!!!!!!! #sorry. I know it’s in good faith for the most part but. it feels like straight entitlement to constantly complain and dog on doctors #I’m a victim of medical malpractice!!! i still show respect and understand that they’re individuals. people. human beings. #who are largely trying to help others #regardless of my personal experience with others in their field #sorry this is just a vent now #i love research I love science I love medicine please stop hating on every aspect of it and my community ty #delete later #not fandom #stinky speaks

[pepprs]

i had a scarily bad depression moment (if you catch my drift) at work on thursday during a meeting where the topic of conversation and the things ppl were saying were directly (and slightly intentionally?) contributing to my distress and im past that moment now but i feel so haunted by it. by the thoughts i was having and the fact that i had them and the fact that i was witnessed in that moment but they didn’t know how bad it was. and im also feeling vulnerable to being back in that place again

#purrs #it is kinda amazing the amount of triggering things that happen every day and any one of them knocks the wind out of me but this is like. #4-5 a day at least and then like 5-6 hours of sleep in between another round. it’s not a good way to be in the world. but i am going to say #one positive thing which is that im proud of myself for enduring it and pushing forward even though it’s painful. like i am very strong for #doing that especially when i don’t have the emotional safety / resources i need and technically have never had them and will never have them #it’s important to remember that. and yeah it’s kinda like i shouldn’t have to be strong through all of that but the one positive thing i can #hang onto in this… well no actually 2. 1) i am very strong for surviving right now even though it’s just scraping by 2)one day it might not #be this hard. one day i might feel better. and even though it doesn’t feel like it and i keep having setbacks i am making progress towards #that moment. even thougu im scared to take some leaps im still inching towards the jump and that matters a lot. and other people can see it #even when i can’t. just not the people in that meeting apparently LOL #delete later

[aro-aizawa]

me, whenever i figure a plot twist in a 20 year old anime: oh wow i am SO big brained rn i am such a genius

me, two minutes later, conpletely blindsided by a major plot twist:

#shut up danni's talking #danni liveblogs #danni liveblogs detco #gif #detco spoilers #look i was 100% sold on the idea that jodie = vermouth/belmont i did NOT peg dr araichi as her instead #episode 345 took me out w the whiplash i got enduring all those plot twists i did not see coming #but looking back i can DEFFO see where they came from and the foreshadowing ohhhhhh i can tell. #i can tell this isn't gonna be a blast through the content and forget abt it kind of thing my mind has been racing w fanfic aus #i wanna delve into the fanfic/fandom too but hnk i wanna avoid spoilers!!!!!! #also i don't know how the fandom categorises things that happen at different plot events etc #there's straight up like a thousand episodes and im only a third of the way through #anyways thats gotta be a good stop for today i can't remember how long i've been awake for but it feels like forever #i am exhausted #urgh this always happens when im home alone for more than a few days #fun fact: kogoro is legit my least favourite character and yet i relate to him immensely #me daydreaming of when i catch up/know every case; i cannot wait to write an au where shinichi gets credited for the cases he solved via him #either shinichi or conan idk which would be better bc shinichi being nowhere near the crimes solved them or a literal 6 year old #im leaning more to the six year old bc its fkn hilarious #that one episode where he defused a bomb in a major landmark and was credited for it as a 6 year old is so fkn funny #this guy had the whole city hostage and yet he was completely stopped by a 6 year old #yeah he has the mind of a 17 y old but c'mon he's physically 6 #this is my allure to this series which will win; hundreds of criminals or one determined 6 year old #if you bet against the 6 y old he's coming for your kneecaps

[cinnamon-phrog]

Can I please have some comfort right now, if that's okay? People are watching me.

#i'm being impersonated and harassed #every day people in my past still try to find me. and i'm scared #not of what they might find. i have nothing to hide. but it's the constant fear of being watched and never being free #i'll never be free from the people who hurt me because they'll always find me somehow #i shouldn't be feeling so awful but at the same time. #i pour myself out to help others yet in return i get 'oh it doesn't bother me' and 'i've had it worse'. as if i doubt that for a second. #but please. not everyone has the same amount of emotional endurance. my patience has worn completely thin. #people i've known on here to be the most disgusting scum of the earth who no matter how many times i block them still show up in my inbox. #people from my old school still think they can get to me. a person who lied to me still wastes their time watching me #someone who i cared about the most probably still watches on and it's breaking me. #it always has been but i'm the sensible one. i'm not allowed to do this. i shouldn't be writing this but i'm getting desperate #i've taken deep breaths. i've drank water. i've done everything plus things i should not have to ease it off. #maybe the reason why i love puppets and artificial characters because i'm always used like one. like i'm a toy to break or put away #stupid analogy everyone has made for themselves but i'm done trying to be a good writer. the composer. #i want to feel without being judged but of course that's impossible. it's fine when it's strangers but relentless stalkers? it's wrecking m #it has been for ages but i was scared to say because i'm used to apathy and false promises. #i keep forgetting things and hurting myself. i'm getting scared.

[yooniesim]

Hi Cece! I don't know where else to ask about this, but are people aware that Somik-Severinka completely stole another simmer's notes and then went and monetized all the custom recipe stuff? I thought it is about time to say something somewhere, because they've gone a long time now without giving any credit or thanks whatsoever. Thank u and I hope you have a good day!

Hey idk anything about this bestie, I don't really know the creator you're talking about very well. If you have proof of this I'd say try going to the original creator and seeing what they have to say about it, if they want to say something I'll gladly boost their voice on the subject but otherwise there isn't much I can offer. It's not my work/tou so it's more up to them to speak about if they find it necessary I suppose? If the original creator makes/made a post feel free to drop me the link and I'll reblog it though.

#asks #anonymous #ceci speaks #the patreon issue #nonny complaints #i dont wanna say its not my business but its not my business ya know #btw im posting this bc i get a lot of anons like this just about every day #and this is basically my feelings on them #in general #'call out posts' arent worth the effort or time to make them #will change nothing #and are more of a spectacle for people to gawk at and be entertained with on here #the main purpose is either circlejerk material or a prop to pretend to care about when convenient #im not trying to be cynical at u nonny u seem like youre being nice about it #but more to all the people reading this #i am jaded with shit like this bc its either an uphill battle or completely useless #and so much of this community is frankly vile that i cant bring myself to care like i used to #i will boost other ppl and my blocklist grows every day but other than that #im not really going to post stuff like this anymore #sorry u had to endure this rant in the tags nonny lol #yours is just the nicest of these anons ive received lately tbh #so this is the one i used #tldr: im not simblr's news network anymore and most of the 'justice' on here is just for show anyway & means absolutely nothing overall #negative #wish id realized this long ago tbh

[mel-loly]

-“2022..”

(read the tags)

#this is an art that represents many things that I went through and that I suffered a lot last year.. #like- for you to know how happy I am that the year 2022 is over. it's kinda like how much I'm standing up to now #because for me this year was very difficult #it was really very painful to the point of having to be the one who had to remain silent- #just so as not to say what's stuck in my throat until today #It wasn't just deaths that made me sad. it wasn't just because Brazil lost the World Cup #but there were several things that you have no idea how much it hurts to this day just to remember.. #so- I hope that many here are happy that I'm still here #for having endured so much in all this time. for staying strong and trying to do my best... #for putting “bandages” on every thing I went through. #that some wounds even heal quickly. but there are others that don’t even manage to heal #(like- one of those stains you get on your clothes and it doesn't come off. #or breaking a video game out of anger and never being able to recover it) #but even so you still are trying to find a way to be fine.. #and I'm not only here because I like it and I have friends that I don't want to lose. #but I'm also here because I want to see other people's smiles. whether with my art or even with the things I say #I'm here to show that no one is alone. nor will they ever be #that if you went through many difficulties in the year 2022. know that you were not the only one! #because I also went through it and now pls feel very happy to at least start another year and a new era.. #may 2023 be a good year. that everyone can enjoy and have fun. without so much pain and suffering like last year.. #have hope. stay strong and look at the past as a lesson on how to live even with so many things happening. #remember the good things. even if they are not many. they will help you and make you stronger.. #try to think about the now and live a new experience trying to do your best and still stay strong #I care about y'all. and I hope to stay here for another year to see each one of you well. #also- that I love you guys very much. and I hope y'all don't forget that💛 #art #i'm mel and this is my blog✌️ #my art #art mel #mel creator

[riflesniper-a]

I love that u rbed that get mad at people post cause im literally going thru that shit rn!!! Like there really is a breaking point after communicating so clearly "hey this sucks please dont do it" Over and over and nothing ever changes and its literally like. Ive fuckin had enough lol. I dont just lie down and take it when people give me shit over and over.

YESSS literally recognizing when enough is enough is so freeing. and its so so painful to watch people endure and endure and endure bc society decided that forgiving and forgetting is the be all end all of healing. it isn't. sometimes healing starts with taking a knife to a rope and screaming that you won't let it drag you around any more.

i love you boundaries i love you paradox of tolerance i love you justified anger i love you self-compassion and rage going hand in hand i love you denial of second chances I LOVE YOU CATHARSIS AND HEALING AND CULTIVATING A HEALTHY SOCIAL LIFE etc etc,

#sprite.exe #like. idk. i think a lot about the shit that the people i care about have gone through. #i think abt the abuser that one of my friend groups endured for so so long before cutting them off. #i still think abt how much pain they were in. how much they still sometimes feel. #and how much i wanted to rip into him like a fucking animal but couldn't bc it'd just make the situation worse. i think. #and. i think abt my partners ex. and how fucking unfair and hurtful it was to him #and of course my love for him outweighs my rage towards it etc etc but there isnt a single day that goes by now #where i dont think abt what happened. where i don't think about how unfair the situation was and still is. #and theres so many other situations and bouts of drama in my past that i could list off here but the point is. im so so tired of #watching the people i care about just Endure. and if that post can make one more person realize that #they don't have to endure any more. that they can allow their rage to bring consequences to someone else's actions? #that will bring me joy. #whoops this turned into a long ass tag rant but i have so many thoughts in my brain every day #i gotta go fuckin... trim the weeds now. after i eat. got damn

[cirillafionaelenriannon]

I DONT WANT TO DO ITTT

I DONT WANT TOOOOOOOOOO i want to lie in bed November with my butches arms around me wake up with the sunlight coming into my room and move around to Feel him again and see him waking up after Only saying his name once and see him smile at me and Pull me closer and Lie listening to him breathe for a minute feel his chest warm a

#text #valkyrie.txt #lesbians sufer the most of every1 its not even been a month since he left me and i literaly cant live my life #i cant go on. at all #i lie in bed like if i imagine it Vividly enough i can feel it BUT ITS NOT TRUEEEE I CANT FEEL IT AT ALLLL #ill be like i can just fantasise go back 2 my memories but aur its not the same.. #the first night he was here and he put my hand on his chest to feel his heart beat (THROWING UP VIOLENTLY) #its just not enough to wear the shirts he left behind and look at the photos on the wall #i wish every moment with his physical presence didnt have to be something special to hold onto because it would soon end #but just another day that i could see him and special in That he exists #more than anything i desperately just want to Take a fucking nap w him.. literally human beings and their need to #sleep together & co-habitate and shit.. #i miss the way i absolutely knocked the fuck out the second he put his arms around me and the way i always woke up first #i miss him UGGGGGGGGGGH HGHGGHGH #skin and physical presence around me and his laugh and everything..god.. #i hate long distance so much ITS UNBEARABLE WHAT HELL MUST WE ENDURE BEFORE WE ARE PROMISED RELEASE !!!

[zhuhongs]

i hope that the 2 drinks inside of me plus more alcohol can make me finally tell other ppl how i feel

#im so lonely and out of my elent i want to cry all day long. i feel like genuin6no one cares abt me yk.. like ik thats not true but yk #element* #forgive me im just tipsy and every day i endure alone

[mt-arc]

beard really is just out here “i feel so much pain and guilt that ted stuck with me through my terrible recovery from meth, that he had to take time off work to help me, that he had to do things he never should have” like my brother in chr*st, yeah while what ted went through w that was bad and hard during that time, you were LITERALLY the one going through worst things….you were the one actually detoxing, and suffering from the struggles of withdrawal.

#like baby YOU were the one actively enduring all that pain associated with getting clean and going through withdrawal. #yes it was hard for ted and honestly….probably pretty traumatic to see. But baby. You were the one actually going through the worst of it. #it’s ok. . #addiction // #and the couple years after he was clean that beard Needed to get better?? like to help w his brain and his therapy … #you went through that beard !!!! #earth is mobile ! / ooc. #it’s okay to feel guilt over what ted helped you with but it’s not like…..you weren’t going through HELL. #like you had to put the labor to get better. you went to rehab. you went to the hospital. you went to support groups. you went to therapy. #you had to actively fight off an addiction every single day.

[kiilonova]

am i allowed to feel like my life was stolen from me by my disability yet. i feel like 3 years ago i would have been crucified for saying so but it is how i feel and i know im not the only one

#cro zone #i used to be so athletic and have really high physical endurance #now im mostly bed/couchridden and have to rest for 3 days whenever i do anything mildly intensive #when i was a kid i wanted to be able to run 5ks when i grow up #and now? i am just. not able to. forever. and i just have to live with that #idc about being productive really. i care that ill never get to go to a trampoline park again #i feel like every time i talk about disability it has to be some grand activist statement. cant i just admit that it sucks really bad

[pepprs]

ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.

#purrs #delete later #idk. i typed a bunch here and then deleted it and now idk what to say. i just feel so lonely. i have had fucked up relationships with every #single older adult in my life and never had someone who could a) stay in my life b) be consistently present in my life c) meet my emotional #needs d) actually See me and accept me for who i am. Like not one person who can be all four of those things. and i have to be all four of t #those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t #this. the way it’s literally ending the SAME way last year did. huge scary promotion (which i haven’t even talked about on here or to anyone #but lia today actually. but it might be huger and scarier than i thought. which is good but also HUGE -‘d scary. and not a bad thing of bc o #course but it’s so fucking… perilous? like it makes me feel profoundly imperiled because i have extremely good reason to feel that way. and #i have to endure the mortifying ordeal of applying for my own job AGAIN after the first time was so horrible. lol) and also losing a beloved #mentor figure who understood me in a way no one else did which mattered immensely even if they couldn’t do the whole presence thing or #whatever. and now i only have one older adult in my life left (aside from my therapist who doesn’t really count bc i only see her once a #week and we barely know each other still) who is like. here and helping me and i KNOW i am so sick in the head i KNOW and i should not be #writing it but every single day i am fucking terrified that i am being or will be separated from him emotionally or physically jsut like all #the others so. LOL!!!!! i am normal and well adjusted. but it’s like so fucking painful because im grasping at straws but again the reality #is im 24 and the only people on this earth who it is fair for me to expect all 4 from and who should’ve provided it to me are my parents. #and i missed my chance with them forever and now i have to do it myself. and that’s ok sometimes and i can handle it… except in the moments #where im sobbing hysterically and everything carries on. when i am in my darkest moments i want to run to an older adult and have them #comfort me but i truly cannot do that with any of the ones i still have left / regularly interact with for so many reasons. and it’s so #painful it makes me sick sometimes. and now i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see in this world. but how can i do that when i #haven’t finished grieving over them leaving which feels like leaving ME — NOW — in this moment when i have never needed more support of that #kind more. how can isummon it within myself. im not ready yet. i need a long hug and a hand to hold that won’t (have to) let go. when im #crying i need someone to take me somewhere and comfort me and calm me down. and im 24 so i can’t ask for it. but oh my god i need it. and i #missed my chance. and lia left today and she only ever did that for me metaphorically but… tonight i feel more alone than ever. #and it’s like i don’t even have the emotional intelligence or whatever to ASK for that. bc im playing by ear and i don’t know how to read #the music of it. im self taught. that fucking sucks. that SUCKSSS. also that’s too strong a way to put it liek obviously my friends who are #closer to my age are INTEGRAL to me being able to function and i learn from them and cherish their support. but just like i can’t be a mom #to me my friends can’t either. so it’s like what the fuck do i do. get steamrolled by relentless grief and rage every day i guess. #also side note. everything carried on when i was in brighton too. i came home early ofc but it’s like nothing changed in my absence. and #that has fucked me up SUPREMELY. i think that might be a root of it. like hm… it seems my presence doesn’t have impacts. but idk

[exrayspex]

saw my neurologist today, and i brought up how there's looking to be more and more evidence that lots of cases of fibromyalgia are actually cases of undiagnosed small fiber neuropathy, and that treating the sfn helps.

and so i brought up potentially getting tested for sfn bc of that and he was like oh, have you been diagnosed with fibro? and i was like yeah, a rheumatologist i saw several years ago said i had it after doing a trigger point thing. and he was like ah, ok, what options were you given for treatment? and i was like 😮......none?? and he was like 😬. anyway that was me realizing that that was fucked up lol.

but! he asked some more questions and was like yeah i definitely think sfn is worth looking into. i've apparently got even more things indicating potential sfn than i realized. so i'm gonna go in for testing for that in a few weeks.

anyway it's wild. i've had pain p much constantly for ages but i haven't prioritized it bc as awful as it is, the extreme extreme exhaustion was an order of magnitude worse. so bad i can't truly comprehend it now that i'm not experiencing it constantly. literally unimaginably horrible. but since i've been getting help with that from the nadolol actually treating my POTS (which!!! incredible!!! i can LEAVE BED! i can THINK!), i've been able to like, notice and want to do something about the pain too, finally. and hopefully this will lead to help with that.

#now if only i wasnt fighting an all-out war with the fucking Depression every day #rip best mental health of my life jan 2020-aug 2022 you were great. miss u. #my life is finally slowly getting better on two fronts [health + my mom told my dad she was serious abt the divorce the other day!] #but i'm so god damned lonely i can't stand it and feeling like i'm doomed to be this alone forever + like i'm unlovable #ugh. #should reread that which resembles the grave but isn't. im languishing in a hole but ill get out of it. fall in another. etc. enduring it!