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nobravery · 7 years

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This Isn't GoodBye

a Shawn Mendes Imagine.

A/N: ngl i cried like 752 times while writing this. this isn't a happy story at all. if y'all want to be even sadder, read this while listening The Portrait and Never an Absolution from Titanic (James Horner) on repeat, i did it and i'm still sobbing rip. PS: there's actually no real dialogue so there aren't my weird inverted commas lol. — TRIGGER WARNING — mentions of depression, suicide (i tried to be soft with the terms as much as possible). WordCount: 3,952

Several days later, I was back from tour, which had just ended. Finally. This was the only thing I’ve been waiting for. This tour was probably the longest and the worst one. Pretending to be alright whereas I was completely destroyed inside, smiling falsely… It was really hard to bear the whole. It was hard not to cry in front of everyone. It was hard to hold back my tears. My eyes were filled with tears constantly. Whether it’s in the streets or while performing. And it’s still the case today. It was four in the afternoon now and I was driving to the cemetery. Once I arrived, I didn’t get off my jeep right away. I waited one or two minutes before. I eventually reached the entrance. The place was deserted. I walked to her grave, a bunch of hydrangeas I had bought earlier in hands. They were actually her favourite flowers. I brought a red rose too, in reference to my song Roses, one of her favourite ones. I finally reached “her”. There were quite a lot of flowers around the headstone. Some faded. Delicately, I put the bunch in front of it. I still had the rose in my right hand, twirling the stem with my fingers. I sat on the ground, and smelled the rose, as red as it might be. This rose was so reddish, full of life. I glanced at it before laying it just in front of the hydrangeas. Then I rubbed my hands together, nervously, trying not to bite my nails. She has always hated that, when I did. Afterwards I noticed small tears hitting my wrists. I kept silent for about three minutes, before eventually breaking it. I reached out my hand to touch the cold marble headstone. I started rubbing it, as if I was actually stroking y/n’s skin. “I miss you, y/n.” I declared. “My life means nothing without you. It’s a mess since you’re gone.” I fell silent, like if she was about to reply. I was facing the headstone. “The tour was great. But definitely the worst one, you know. I tried to act as normal as possible, but I won’t lie to you, it was really hard to seem alive in the others’ eyes.” I paused, taking a breath. “As regards tours, I’m gonna take a break. I’m not saying I’m having a career break, I’m just talking about touring. I just can’t for the moment. But I promise, I’ll start again later. I need a break now. You understand… I need to stay with you… I—I regret that I wasn't–” I was interrupted by sobs. Meanwhile, my fingers were nervously playing with blades of grass now. It was just horrible to know that she was just a few feet underground. I wanted to hold her in my arms, more than ever. “I read your letter every single day. I almost know it by heart. This is crazy. I promise you, I remember every single thing you wrote on it. I think about you all the time. Without exception.” I’ve been talking for almost three quarters of an hour, telling her my life-story—at least what’s left of it—, giving some news of the crew—the guys truly missed her as well—, still this lump in my throat, still this knot in my stomach, still the same pain. “I hope that you’re at peace just like you said. I’m sure you are. I miss you… Everyone misses you… Your parents, mine, Aaliyah… Everyone. Absolutely everyone. I miss you so much, darling… I wish I could still hug you…” And thus I talked again. And again. Then it was getting dark. Night fell quickly in December; it was only five to ten. Still sitting, I raised my eyes to heaven. I gazed at the sky, remaining silent. I felt as if y/n was observing it with me. I imagined she was just next to me, her arm around my neck, her head on my shoulder, our fingers intertwining. I watched the sky attentively. My look stopped as I noticed something particular. Something shining. Something was actually sparkling. A little star. The littlest one among the others already out, and yet the one who was sparkling the most. At five o'clock. I didn’t smile. I probably looked neutral. I was still sad, distraught, destroyed, hurt. And that was an understatement. But I remembered the letter. “This isn’t goodbye.” I murmured, my eyes wet with tears staring at this unique little star.

A/N: i hope you survived. just to let you know that… never do bullshit and stay alive. don’t kill yourself. you are loved. don’t hurt your circle, don’t destroy your family, your friends. i know it’s easy to say but i’m myself struggling with chronic depression and i often want to die tbh. but i’m still there. for the loved ones. my friends and my family. think about the loved ones. don’t make them suffer. think about the consequences. nobody deserves this. get help from somebody if you need to. and if ever you need to talk to me or smth, my dm are always open, i’ll help as best as i can. ‹3

#feedback is appreciated #ngl this is the saddest thing i've ever written #what the fuck have i done #for real #i used like an entire pack of kleenex #and i'm still crying do u hear me #angst #shawn mendes #shawn peter raul mendes #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes angst

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imlovedandalive-blog1 · 6 years

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First Journal Entry.

I wrote this today but on another platform. Just making this to keep track of my life.Just going to paste it here.

“ I want to leave some sort of trail to look back on in a few years. Ill just sum up the last few years. From 2014-now 2018. In 8th grade I really started to make lifelong friends. It was one of my favorite years of school with Ms. Cooper as my ela teacher. My friend Diego also became one of my best that year and he still is. Same with Bryan. I am much closer with Bryan today. I also was really good friends with both Zachs. Although I have compeltely lost contact with them. Havent talked to either of them since 9th grade. That year kinda sucked. I barley had any good classes or classes with friends. I did start talking to my other really good friend Tyler that year. Also my friend nick who I havent really seen recently. Nothing eventful happened that year. Skip forward to the end of 9th grade and I started talking to kara. I was so fucking happy that a girl actually liked me and wanted to date. I was super nervous but we went out on a date and it went really well. I felt on top of the world. I always had a weird vibe about her. She a few months in became controlling and abusive. Made me bleed a few times. My whole family hated her. And her own family were mean to her. After all she did to me, I still felt bad for her and I still do in some ways. When she was nice she was the nicest girl in the world. When she was mean, she was evil. I dated her from the end of 9th grade to the end of 10th grade to almost the start of 11th. She broke up with me after a year and 2 months. August 8th. When she did I has a panic attack and almost fainted. But being the cruel person she is, she led me on for another month or so making me think she was going to get back with me, I had my hoped up so high and I missed her so much. Eventually she just said its over for real, but always left a little hope by saying "one day". It had me fucked up for months after. I should have cut ties sooner. It only hurts more. That is one big lesson I learned. Do not keep in touch with your ex if you want to get over them. Then in may I made the mistake of going to see her at the mall. Which only ended terrible. She made me pay for her food and tried to kiss me. i wanted to so bad but i didnt. I dont know why. She got mad. I forget why. She left and i was alone in the mall crying in the corner bench where bestbuy used to be. Rewind a bit. Start of 11th grade I started a band with bryan. it was called out of breath and it was me, bryan, diego and george. Diego was only in for a day. I love diego but he just was so bad and didnt practice the songs at all. He isnt as into music as me and bryan are. Which is ok. one whole year later we finally got our first show. By that time we had made about 30 songs. Only of which 5 actually made it onto the demo we are proud of. So now its 12th grade. In the july before 12th started, This girl jessica messaged me. She said I was cute and she wanted to keep talking to me. She was In florida at the time with her dad. I waited a whole month for her to get back. But just before we went on a date I got really sick after spending a few nights at jimny peak for my grandpas birthday. My throat hurt so bad. I didnt eat for 5 days. barley drank. I finally got better and ate and drank as much as i could. When i went to the hispital i had dreams about drinking apple juice and soda. It was the worst. I probably lost 5 pounds. Finally I went on the date with jess. i really did like her. She was only 15 however. We saw anabelle or something. I forget. I had a realy nice time and the feeling of someone else laying on me and holding me was something i really really missed. I was so happy. She was just really immature. She had depression and lots of problems. We broke up after she got drunk with a bunch of 20 something year olds. I cant stand drinking, smoking or drugs. And I am so fucking serious. I am done with that after what she did. A few days about a week before that happened. This girl krystal had moved back from florida. In 9th grade I would always see her. apprently we used to talk in homeroom but i dont remember that at all. She was one of those girls i just didnt think i was allowed to talk to. There are still those fucking people. The ones you cant talk to. You know what i mean. Thats all she talked to too. All the girls i had been friends with and now i wasnt. For the better honestly. They turned into druggies and whores. But she moved back after a few years in florida. i didnt think much of it. The she liked all my pics on ig and i did the same. She also sent me a pic on christmas eve. I almost replied. i didnt tho. The next night she actually messaged me. She sent a heart face to my snap story. we started talking and i really started to like her even tho I had a girlfriend. Within 5 days of the breakup we started dating. We saw insideous. I was beyond happy and had never felt this before ever. Its also sad and tragic that the week leading up to that all my friend just roasted the shit out of her and called her a whore and said i shouldnt feel bad if i just ignored her. That made me a little sad but whatever. She then explained that she used to party get drunk and did xanax. Talk about a fucking turnoff. It still bothers me and sometimes i cant sleep. Why the fuck would you want to drink poison? I swear people who drink are fucking retarded. When you all have liver failure youll see whos right. And she claims that her step dad is dope for giving her weed money. Parents who love their fucking kids dont give them weed money. Literally fuck off with that shit. Weed is also the drug of choice for many LOSERS. I guess she doesnt anymore. But still the fact that she was a fuck up partier whore who slept with 2 people she wasnt in a relationship with. pisses me the fuck off. If you dont wanna almost get pregnant dont take xanax when youre drunk you fucking cunt. Sorry. i love her. And i feel like shes fading from me honestly. Yesterday at lunch we just didnt talk. And we barley have since then. we used to all the time. Shed leave me paragraphs. None of that anymore. She also always has a fucking attitude when I ask anything any boyfriend would. And she never comforts me when Im sad. She never fucking talks things through or tries to see my side of the fucking story. My feelings dont matter when we argue. If shes mad, im wrong. If shes sad, im wrong. It hurts me beyond belief and we never accomplish anything. When you argue you need to see each others side. Maybe just both say sorry and move on so you both feel like you win. When she cries i hug and kiss her and say its all gonna be ok. When i cry. She looks away. When im sad she doesnt do anything. She said she sucks at comforting people. How hard is it to kiss me or hug me when im sad? you dont need to say anything. She really hurts me sometimes and makes me feel like i dont mean as much as i did. i also really dont want her to leave for the navy. Because if that happens. you know what happens. You grow apart. You fall out of love. Thats the sad truth. I dont want that. I also still feel like shes cheating or shes goig to cheat on me with someone when she goes to florida during break. With one of her guy "friends". Or smoke weed or drink. if i find out she smoked or got drunk. i am leaving her. no trace. "sober eyes are the truest ones" and i refuse to be with someone who smokes or drinks for fun. Poison. Ok thats allup until now. Im sitting her and have been writing for 30 min. Today was weird. But I still feel sad. She doesnt seem into me at all. She doesnt ask to see me. She never even messages me first. I know its dumb, but it hurts me.”

#highschool #sadness #emo #punk #blog #journal #diary

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