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animegenork · 4 years

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Thoughts on Ivan Chapter 5

And so, here we are. I’m finally doing this.

As a disclaimer: I’m very very very very very very late, and I know that. But I also needed to finish the chapter before having official thoughts on it. (Because that makes sense.)

And now, I can.

I made a Google Doc to write down my reactions each day I played, as I am free 2 play and needed to keep track of this stuff. So here is the entirety of the mess that is my reacting to this chapter. (I’m putting all this under the cut so those who don’t care don’t gotta deal with this.)

TL;DR: Eloise and Ivan both fucked up. Eloise didn’t trust Ivan enough and ended up breaking Ivan’s trust. Now they’re at a bit of a stalemate because valid feeling vs. valid feeling = hella heated argument. [You’ll have to actually read to get the full story behind this.]

There we are. This was about 11 pages in Google Doc form. I had a lot of thoughts about this chapter.

I’m probably going to reference a couple things from this post I did where I dove into Ivan’s head a little bit. If you want to know more, take a read. I, uh... I ended up being really accurate, and I’m still freaked out.

To be clear, I bounced back and forth throughout this chapter on how I felt about Eloise and Ivan’s actions and words. And let me make a defining statement about my stance:

Eloise and Ivan both fucked up.

They did. Don’t try to convince me otherwise.

Eloise

I made a post once wondering why people were mad about Eloise being jealous. Because let’s face it: jealousy exists. I can tell you a story of a coworker of mine whose ex-girlfriend would consistently harangue him about our other coworker simply because she existed in the same room as him. Jealousy is some powerful shit.

Fans of otome games may not like it or want to deal with the past lovers/jealousy trope, but honestly it’s necessary. Romance ain’t a perfect science, and the more obstacles you have to go through to be with the one you love, the better it’ll be. But this post isn’t about that.

I understand Eloise a lot here. She’s met this Constance, who meant the WORLD to Ivan, and she knows how (seemingly) perfect she is. HELL, I WOULD BE INSECURE TOO. Eloise is insecure; she wonders if perhaps she can ever measure up to this past lover that Ivan had. She’s starting to experience feelings she may not quite understand, and that’s perfectly okay.

However, she kinda went about it all wrong.

Okay, sure. If I heard about my crush going and seeing his past lover during the day (risking life and limb to do so), I’d be a little suspicious. Maybe the “stalker” or “obsessed” thought would cross my mind. BUT if I remembered that Ivan was clinging to humanity AND realized that letting someone go who means the world to you is incredibly difficult, I would probably be more rational than Eloise. Honestly, Ivan’s big mistake here is letting Eloise find out about this outings because they poisoned her mind a bit.

Now, she could have asked him, “Okay, but why follow her?” Because that would have made more sense than doing the exact thing she was (mentally) calling him out for. But no. She did the same thing. And she found she was unable to hate this woman who, now remarried, used to completely hold Ivan’s heart.

What really ticks me off is that she did this because she didn’t believe him when he said he doesn’t feel the same way about Constance as he used to. She didn’t trust him enough to take him at his word. I mean, he’s a vampire, so I guess fully trusting him is off the table, even though she was fully admiring his shirtless form like 6 seconds ago (I mean, so was I), but anyway.

In the end, Ivan gets mad (UNDERSTANDABLY), and they argue because Eloise has somehow become a little obsessed with this Constance idea. Do you remember what I said about my coworker? His ex was ALSO obsessed with the idea of someone else in his life. It’s a pretty valid concern, and honestly, considering the way I argue with people, I don’t think Eloise’s freak out during the argument is completely unjustified. When you’re insecure, you are trying your DAMNEDEST to prove that there is merit to your worries.

I really sympathized with Eloise at the end of the chapter. She was convinced she’d ruined whatever it is she has with Ivan and that she should’ve kept her big mouth shut. This is exactly how I feel at the end of really bad arguments.

Poor Eloise. She’s never been in a relationship, right? So of course things would go wrong in the first one. But that doesn’t mean she needs to lose hope!

Ivan

I might get rant-y here. Only because some things people have said have PISSED. ME. OFF. Especially in relation to what I now know. (I’m not about to address the claim that Ivan needs a straitjacket now, but it might come in the future, if my newly-acquired knowledge of the definition of psychopathy has anything to say about it.)

Okay, so. Ivan definitely could have been a little clearer when he explained his relationship with Constance. He certainly could have clarified his exact reasons for going to the Village during the day. But with the bits and pieces I gathered, it was... I don’t know, obvious? When you care for someone as much as Ivan cared for Constance, you’re going to wonder how they’re faring after your sudden disappearance. It’s a thing in fiction where if X Character disappears, they wonder how life back home is going.

That might just be me over analyzing character motivations again. Sorry. (It’s an English/Creative Writing major thing.)

Still, this boy trusted that Eloise would give him space after he dug into this painful wound of his. He trusted that she wouldn’t ask anymore until he was ready to go back to poking it. But instead, she went and investigated on her own. Not only does that speak of her not trusting him, but now, how can he trust her when she did this?

I wanna note that before shit hit the fan (i.e. the argument), Ivan was perfectly content with Eloise visiting him. He was ecstatic that she would come to him so early in the night. When she gave him the plant, he BEAMED! He told her that he didn’t think he deserved to care for something like a plant! HE TOLD HER THAT THE FACT THAT SHE GAVE IT TO HIM MADE IT MORE BEAUTIFUL!

Have I mentioned I was sobbing at this part?

I’m not about to go into the nuances of the Chalice-vampire bond, because not much has been explained about it. However, Eloise did, in fact, say something that was very like Constance (all flower-knowledgeable and such), and the fact that that BRIEF tidbit clued her in to Eloise’s actions is interesting. So, yeah. He gets mad that Eloise went to see Constance in person, because that is, in fact, an invasion of his privacy in many ways. It’s like if I went to see my boyfriend’s ex in person just because he gave me a name. (I don’t have a boyfriend, and I wouldn’t do that. Just by the way.) But before that...

You know what I didn’t see in people’s reactions to Chapter 5? How worried Ivan was about us. He saw that Eloise wasn’t acting like herself. And he asked THREE TIMES (count ‘em in my reactions above, he asked THREE TIMES) if she was okay. The THIRD time, he said, “Did I do something wrong?”

I want someone to explain to me how in the fucking world this clues us in to him not caring about us. But anyway.

This concern, in fact, comes up when Ivan starts yelling at Eloise about being reckless. Because she was. Going too far from Ivan fucks with the Chalice bond, AND she did it during the day (and nearly got burnt real bad), AND there’s a murderer on the loose, AND Vlad could’ve found out. What I think a lot of people looked past was that there was concern behind Ivan’s anger. Anger based on concern is a helluva drug, and Ivan was high on that.

So, Eloise broke Ivan’s trust and endangered herself while doing it. And people are mad at Ivan? Okay. Cool. Good to know.

You know what was really crazy about all of this? A lot of the things Ivan said in this chapter really resonated with the post I linked above. I didn’t actually know Ivan didn’t take change (which had fucked him over in the past) well, but he directly said so. I didn’t actually know for sure that Ivan saw Constance as the embodiment of what he’d lost when he turned vamp, BUT HE ACTUALLY SAID IT (the part labeled, “OH MY GOD. OH. MY. GOD.”). I only vaguely understood that Ivan had a hard time coping with his transformation and feared that he was gonna ruin his relationship with Eloise. And yet! I ended up hitting the nail right on the head! I can’t tell if this means I’m magical or that I’m too good at diving into character’s heads.

The best part is that Ivan is the one to call an end to the shouting match. I’m kinda glad he kissed her, first of all, because there were some logical fallacies and circular arguing going on PLUS all of the emotions both were feeling PLUS the Chalice bond fucking them up a bit, SO it kinda served to tell him, “We gotta stop.” He basically says (and this is a paraphrase), “Okay, you go chill, and I’ll stay here and chill, because we’re both very angry and should probably calm down.” RATIONAL IVAN.

I’m really, REALLY confused why people are bashing him left and right (and I WOULD bring up the straitjacket thing again BUT).

[Side Note: I think at the beginning of Chapter 6, he ended up going out anyway because after an argument like THAT, how do you NOT get stuck in your own head and need to leave?]

Final Thoughts

This could all be bullshit. Even the parts where I directly quote what the English version of this chapter gave me. I could be going in too deep for the sake of defending Ivan. But what the Moonlight Lovers fandom needs to remember is that nobody ever said Ivan’s route was going to be easy. I got my fluff. I got some damn good fluff in this chapter, too. I NEVER expected things to NOT go to shit for the sake of the overarching plot. I expected it. That’s the point of this game, for God’s sake: things go to shit because of [PLOT].

There are two main things I think some people may have forgotten.

1. Eloise is allowed to be jealous. I’m sorry the past-lover-jealousy trope isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but I, personally, find it realistic. Maybe she went about it in the wrong way (although we got some hefty dramarama), but I empathize. I’m hecka insecure; I would be acting very similarly to her.

2. Ivan does, in fact, have a point. He has multiple, actually. I don’t blame him for going further into the “so I would go out to see her-” thing, because how does one properly explain something like that to someone who doesn’t know them that well?!?! Plus, his concern is very clear throughout this chapter, so treating him like he has no emotions/doesn’t give a damn about Eloise is pretty fucking stupid. Perhaps he’s acting rather selfishly most of the time, but do you think Vlad and Bel were entirely selfless 24/7? HELL, I’D BE SELFISH TOO. LOOK HOW FUCKED UP HIS LIFE HAS GOTTEN SINCE HE BECAME A VAMP.

I didn’t really ever plan on doing this post, not until I saw people giving Ivan a lot of shit. Frankly, I’m giving him some shit as well. Considering how close in age Eloise and Ivan are, I’m really not surprised shit hit the fan in this chapter, especially with the decisions both of them made.

But then, I still enjoyed it.

So, yeah. I actually enjoyed this chapter. I was tossed back and forth between empathizing with Eloise and Ivan so much that my conclusion - that both of them had a point and both of them had valid feelings and reactions - was not one I thought I’d make when I went in.

And if anybody else actually happened to find merit in this chapter, don’t be afraid to say so. Hell, you can DM me and tell me EXACTLY why you found merit with it. I don’t mind.

Final Final Thoughts

This is a stupid random thought, but. When did Eloise and Ivan become parts of my psyche incarnate??? Like I empathized with them WAYYYYYY too much. Was this chapter written specifically for me? For a real person who’s felt many of these things before?

Beemoov, did you specifically write Ivan’s route for me? As flattered as I am, this is kinda weird. I didn’t expect to see myself so much in the MC of this game, but here we are.

I’m just bullshitting please no one roast me for having a huge ego it’s just that the coincidence was too uncanny

#moonlight lovers #ml ivan #ml ivan chapter 5 #ml eloise #they both fucked up and i stand by this statement #i'm back on my bullshit sorry #but also not sorry #i stand by everything i said #ivan stans unite #gen rambling again #but not really #this is not rambling in the least #i'm tired now #i crawled into too many character's heads the past few days

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paganinpurple · 5 years

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A Feline’s Family - MariChat May 2019

Buy Me A Coffee?

AO3

Chapters (If there’s no link, it’s not written yet)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20

21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

Day 18 – Balconies

Ladybug released her yo-yo string, somersaulting in mid-air before dropping to the concrete below. Her transformation melted away as she landed, Tikki spinning out of her earring with a giggle that was bound to haunt her for a few days.

“Your face is almost the same colour as me!” the little red bug squealed in joy, tiny arms coming up to cover her mouth.

“Tikki! Shh!” Marinette squeaked, mortified, “He’s right behind us. He’ll hear you!”

If she had thought Chat’s flirting had been the most difficult thing to try coping with before, she had seriously underestimated the rest of the people in her life.

She had even stupidly thought school was going to be a relief from the constant barrage of pick-up lines.

Instead, she had found that school was a daily test of her ability to fight down her traitorous blood supply from flooding her cheeks with colour – as Adrien seemed determined to spend as much time as possible in her company. Alya was merciless in her ribbing about it, keeping it relatively low-key while he was around before completely tormenting her once he disappeared for so much as a second. It also hadn’t helped that in the lead up to their reveal, Marinette had been non-the-wiser to the boy’s sudden burst of interest in being around her – which Alya now thought had all been for show.

“I still don’t get why you didn’t just tell me he was sneaking out to spend the night at your place regularly,” she had said yesterday, “I would’ve happily listened to you scream with joy.” Marinette reddened even further as she remembered how she had been awkwardly balancing Alya’s teasing with keeping Adrien out of earshot without accidentally upsetting him by keeping her distance. A fact Alya was taking great pleasure in exploiting, knowing if she spoke low enough, Marinette wouldn’t be able to retaliate without him realising something was up. “I could’ve even clued you in sooner that he’d started crushing on you.”

Because it made sense to her best friend (and from the knowing looks thrown her way, Nino too) that Adrien would’ve picked the girl he liked when he started acting rebelliously towards his father and snuck out to visit a girl. At night. In her bedroom.

Especially given Adrien’s newfound style of flirting with her – in front of everyone. It was a more reserved form compared to Chat’s usual bravado and she had uncomfortably discovered that it both exhilarated her and turned her insides into jelly. The death glares she received from Chloe and Lila certainly hadn’t helped her to relax either. But then neither had the shrewd glances from her classmates, and other friends around school, whenever Adrien referred to the bakery as home.

And really, why else would the Dupain-Chengs have wanted to foster Adrien instantly after the news of his father’s villainy broke, unless he had already been a constant addition to their lives? There had been no logical way to explain and still hide her status as sleepover friend from anyone who knew them – at least not without creating a hundred difficult questions she couldn’t exactly answer without endangering their own identities.

“I’m pretty certain your parents and Master Fu have already said much worse in front him tonight than I ever could,” Tikki chuckled, bringing Marinette back to the moment. She groaned, hiding her face in her hands at the memories of all the ‘couple’ talk the three adults had used when referring to the two of them.

Her and Adrien had finally found time to fill Master Fu in on the situation completely, including that they now knew each other’s identities, and that their parents were also in on the secret. It had been an uneasy wait for the reporters and police to back off enough that they could move around without fear of being followed, though they had still played things safe and acted as if they were introducing Adrien to a family member, in case anyone noticed.

At Tom and Sabine’s insistence they had arranged a meeting as soon as they thought it was safe for them to get to know each other – and so her parents could ask any questions the kids might have been unable to answer, or not thought to ask. Family movie night had needed to be sacrificed, but Marinette had been sure it would be worth it. At least, until the teasing had started, and she once again found herself wishing she was able to melt through the floor at will.

No shouts of, “Mama!” “Papa!” or “Master!” had made a difference and Marinette had resigned herself to a fate of death by humiliation as Master Fu had gotten around to explaining that he had tried to pair up two young souls who he thought were “made for each other.” She had absolutely refused to look Adrien in the eyes during that part, but she still managed to catch his shy, embarrassed smile in her peripheral vision when Tom had reached over to muss his hair right after.

There was a muffled thump on the balcony behind her, indicating Chat had finally arrived home. He often liked to stay to the shadows and circle back on himself to ensure no one spotted where they were headed –and normally she did too– but she had been so flustered by everything going through her mind tonight that she had neglected her usual caution and taken a more direct route. But he had finally caught up to her, and now they were both home.

Together. Alone.

And she still had no idea how to bring up her own feelings with him, even with all the constant teasing making it the elephant in the room most days.

“Hey, My Lady? How long do you think your parents’ll stay chatting to Master Fu?” he asked with a tone of almost forced casualness, “Like, should we wait for film night? Or maybe we should just watch one in our room? Just the two of us?” She turned to see him scratch at the back of his neck awkwardly, a hint of nerves evident in the wrinkle of his brow. “Just, it’s getting kind of late, and they’ll have to be up early to work the bakery tomorrow. And I don’t know if you’re worn out from all the…from the talking, but I’d like to do something.”

Biting her lip to hinder her first instinct –which was to push him away by the nose and make a quick getaway– Marinette smiled shyly at him. Her head dropped a little despite how hard she tried to cling on to her depleting confidence, and she found herself glancing up at Chat, almost through her eyelashes.

“Sure,” she said, and as much as she tried for a normal voice, her words came out tender and full of some unspoken emotion, “Why don’t you go find something you think I’ll like?”

Chat blinked at her for a moment, eyes wide and owlish before he shook his head and gave her a weak smile. “I’ll go have a look then,” he said, clearing his throat so his own voice sounded more natural, “You know, this is one of the few times I’d love to have access to my stuff at the mansion. There’s a ton of stuff I’m dying to watch with you.”

She watched as he dropped through the skylight and presumably began to rummage through her family’s collection of films in the main room. She sighed as she considered his parting words. It didn’t seem to bother him that he was only allowed to keep some bare essentials from his time at his father’s, but it was still clearly a weight on his mind to know that everything he owned was being searched through repeatedly on a daily basis, along with everything else in the mansion. Then there was the constant stream of questioning from the police and their reminders that Gabriel’s assets were being held, as well as keeping him informed of any supposed progress in their full searches of the company premises, and certain employee’s homes. Marinette often wondered if they suspected him and were just looking for telling reactions; or if they genuinely wanted him to know how everything was going, given how in the dark he’d been about his father.

“So, I was stuck between an older classic,” Chat breathed against her ear, making her jump a little in fright, “and I know it’s only from 2003 and your dad would kill me if he heard me say that, but it’s Love Actually! That’s a classic, right?”

Marinette fought off the trembling that threatened to give away how nervous she felt. She wasn’t entirely sure if it was from the shock at his sudden appearance, or the way his mouth had been so close to her ear that she had been able to hear the sounds his lips made as they formed the words before his voice broke through. Or even if it was the ungodly amount of discomfort she got from the thought of watching that film with him – given how she remembered first seeing it with her mama in the room and feeling utterly mortified at some of the scenes. She somehow managed to step away and turn to face him without belaying her emotional distress, and then nodded gently in response to his question.

“Or,” Chat continued, “There’s this one – About Time? I’ve never seen it, but I wanted to. Is it good?”

“Um-” she quickly ran over and snatched the DVD case from his clawed hand, “-maybe that one isn’t the best for you to watch. It has a bit of a theme about…” As she trailed off, her eyes screwed up a little and she remained alert to how he might react, ready to offer support if he needed it.

“…Losing family?” she finished tentatively.

For a moment she regarded his rapidly dampening eyes –full of unshed tears– before he turned and wiped at them furiously with the back of his hand. When he was done, he moved towards her and she was still straining her mind to work fast enough to react when he pulled her into a warm, tight hug against his slightly heaving chest. She hugged back as best she could, his cheek resting on the top of her head and DVD case pressing against his back awkwardly as she tried to wrap her arms around him.

“Thank you,” he breathed, voice cracking and sounding slightly watery, though she didn’t feel any tears against her hair or clothes, “You’re always thinking of me. Thank you.”

Only a moment later, she felt his breath even out a little as he regained his emotional strength once more, breaking the hug almost hesitantly to look at her instead. “So, Love Actually?”

She smiled. “Love Actually.”

“Okay!” he said, suddenly grinning and far too cheerful, “Uncomfortable simulated sex scene it is!”

She squeaked and crumpled to the floor, where she remained for a solid twenty minutes before he finally managed to convince her to come downstairs, despite his own fit of giggles.

Buy Me A Coffee?

#PIP writes #marichatmay2019 #A Feline's Family #MariChat May #MariChat

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lightsandlostbells · 5 years

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Druck season 2, episode 9 reaction

This episode is hard to watch. It straight-up turns into a horror movie in the middle.

I’m obviously very excited to talk about Matteo’s season but I still want to do a thorough job with the last few S2 episodes, because I loved Mia’s season and think it deserves a close look. Hopefully I will get these done soon!

Episode 9

Clip 1 - Mia and Alex on the stairs

Mia is coming back from the shop talking to her mom. Bringing her parents into the story more at this point is not only relevant to their own marital issues, as we’ll see, but again, a reminder of what we’ve seen of them so far and a way to connect that Mia is projecting her family problems onto what happened with Sophie.

At first Mia tries to ignore Alexander, like she told him in her text to leave her alone. I don’t know if she’s so overcome with betrayal and hurt and shock that she thinks he isn’t worth her time, or if she just doesn’t want to face the truth. If she doesn’t talk to him, then he can’t confirm what Björn said, which would be devastating to her. But when Alexander wants to talk, she asks him outright if it’s true. When he says she can’t believe Björn, Mia points out that’s what Björn said about him. Ouch. It’s true that Mia knows Alex on a level she doesn’t know Björn, but that also might make the lies worse? Her boyfriend she opened up to and went through drama for vs. some dude she doesn’t really know.

He follows her into the building asking whether he knows how crappy Björn treated Sophie, and Mia blows up at him and says she doesn’t care who did what to each other. She’s mad that he lied to her about his sister. Because yeah, Alexander and Björn’s situation is a case of he said, he said, but the sister lie is pretty cut and dry. He told her she lived in Bali. Sophie is not in Bali, she’s dead. Therefore, he lied to Mia. It’s understandable she focuses on that. Alexander says it was just complicated and he would have told her. He’s not good at talking about that kind of stuff. Sure, I get that he finds it hard to talk about Sophie especially considering how she died. But you know, Mia would’ve had to find out eventually. When composing the guest list for their wedding, when Mia was like, “Hey, why don’t we invite your sister,” was Alexander going to be like, “About that...”?

At the same time, while I understand why it’s the sticking point for Mia, it’s also still one of the things I find most understandable from his POV? I mean, I really do have sympathy for Alexander here, and you could also argue that maybe he was even entertaining the fantasy that Sophie really was in Bali. It’s a pretty big lie, but it’s one that came from a place of pain. And the content of the lie isn’t hurtful to Mia herself, like Mia lying to the girls about being sick was hurtful to Kiki herself because it covered up her lie about Alexander; Sophie being dead doesn’t really hurt Mia in a personal way. It’s just the fact that it was a lie that hurts her.

Mia points out that he beat up a guy and then disappeared for several days. Again, that’s all of Alex. His silence was the most damning thing, tbh. If he’d texted Mia after it happened and gave even the briefest explanation (like “That guy hurt my sister”) then it wouldn’t be as messy. And by not explaining, he put Mia in the path to contact Björn since obviously Alexander wasn’t going to talk.

Alex says Björn is a psychopath, Mia say Alex is also not right in the head, if he can do something like almost kill Björn. He says she’s exaggerating, but ... no, she isn’t. All kinds of stuff could’ve happened to Björn, and I don’t care about him, but I do care about Alex not going to prison for killing a guy or severely injuring him.

He points out that she’s so pissed she could have pushed him down the stairs. Um, what? Which is also Mia’s reaction. Just from this angle, it looks like she’s angry and confronting him, and she grabbed his shoulder, but that’s not the same as pushing someone. But someone who is used to violence and abuse would think that. I truly doubt the thought even crossed Mia’s mind, it wouldn’t cross most people’s minds. So either that behavior is normal to him, or he’s just trying to counter her by making his own actions seem not that unusual. She says she didn’t push him and that’s the difference. Alex said if he did to her what Björn did to him, she would’ve pushed him. Man, that’s creepy? Like I know that Alexander is not a bad guy, and that Björn is a very bad guy, but he is being somewhat manipulative. Especially from Mia’s perspective, since she’s still in the dark, and Alex is basically telling her she’s capable of violence. As much as I would get a visceral thrill out of seeing Mia push Björn down the stairs, doesn’t seem to be the case.

Clip 2 - Mia and Amira on violence

Mia sits by a window at school, when Amira comes up. Hey, they managed to make this clip a windowsill scene like in OG, sort of!

The timing and context of this scene is pretty different from OG, obviously. With Noora and Sana, this scene happened before Noora told Vilde about her and William, so that was a critical component of the scene, the secret relationship, Noora being able to spill about William to Sana when she’d bottled up much of her feelings. This scene happens after Kiki knows, everyone knows, the happy ending should have been achieved.

Mia alludes to some Alex drama, then says she was truly in love with him. A lot of the dialogue here is similar to OG, such as when Mia asks Amira whether she ever just wants to get drunk and hook up with someone, and Amira says her faith is stronger than desire, and when Mia says her principles were the most important thing, but then since Alex, he’s the most important thing.

Mia tells Amira about the whole Alex-Björn-Sophie history and situation. Amira is surprised that Alexander had a sister. I wonder how plausible it is that so few people would know? I think it is perfectly possible, especially if the family tried to keep it quiet, but did Sophie go to the same school as Alex? IDK, it’s not really a nitpick, just wondering if there wouldn’t be any gossip at all, and if Sophie’s former classmates would have any idea she died, if there were any news articles about it, people posting memorials to Sophie on social media, etc. (I can definitely buy Mia and Amira not knowing, but Kiki would certainly be clued in to the gossip.)

Mia says she doesn’t know why she got involved with Alex because he’s not good. Amira is like, because he lied or because he beat up that guy? She doesn’t get it, why did Alex beat him up? Mia explains about Björn saying Alex blames him for the death of his sister, but that it’s not true. According to Mia, Alex twists her words, he says everyone in his situation would react the same way. Amira is like, hit someone with a skateboard??? My beautiful girl, we are on the same page with that one. But she also says, you don’t know exactly what happened between this guy and Alex, and you don’t want to know? Mia is like, is there a reason to hit someone with a skateboard? Amira says it depends what happened. I love her attitude here, I’ll get that that in a minute.

Amira is like, so it’s over between you, because of your principles? She says that when the fight happened with Hanna and those girls, she broke one of those girls’ noses. LMAO WHAT. Damn, Amira went hard. Were there any consequences for that? Not that I blame her since the other girls started the fight. Amira asks if Mia wants to stop associating with her, too. Mia says it was self-defense, they went after Hanna first, but Amira points out she doesn’t reject violence categorically. And well, it’s not mentioned, but Mia also jumped into that fight, she can’t cancel herself, lol.

The lesson for Mia is to find out the truth before she passes judgment. Amira is all, look, I’m not a fan of Axel either, but I saw how you two looked at each other, and maybe he deserves to be listened to. Mia and Amira share a little comfort moment where Amira rubs Mia’s arm and Mia puts her head on Amira’s shoulder.

Oh my God. They improved on this moment from the original show. You guys. This was my least favorite scene in all of Skam, and they made it so much more palatable for me. I’m so happy.

I was always bothered how Sana went to bat for William when she didn’t even know him. For instance, she says that William was angry and scared when he smashed the bottle on that guy’s head, but how could she possibly assume that from his motivations? I get assuming the best of people, but Sana doesn’t know William and she cannot accurately say that he’s a guy with sympathetic motivations and not some dude who just loves fighting and being violent. Like it came across as William apologia from the show’s voice of reason so we were supposed to accept it. Amira, on the other hand, does not make any assumptions about Alex’s motivations - she’s confused by what they were, and questions Mia’s hardline stance against violence, but she doesn’t jump in to tell us that Alex probably had good reasons for what he did. In fact, she says she doesn’t like Alex much, but she saw how Mia and Alex were together and maybe he deserves to have his side heard. I feel like this is what the original scene was trying for, and it somewhat got it across, but it was just framed in such a weird way, where Sana came across as defending William more than supporting Noora IMO, and in a situation where Noora was upset about him being violent. It was such an unhealthy message to be sending. Here I felt way more that Amira was Team Mia first and foremost, but she made a logical point by bringing up the fight to defend Hanna, and sure, it’s not the exact same situation, but it’s a decent way to illustrate that things aren’t always black and white, and maybe Mia should at least hear him out before she ends things with him.

And you know what? If Mia still wanted to be done with Alexander after this point, I’d be fine with that. Of course I know he has his reasons to do what he did, and I mean, from a story perspective I want them to end up together, but ultimately Mia is within her rights to say she doesn’t want to be with a guy who’s capable of beating someone with a skateboard no matter the reason. I felt like Amira was making more of a suggestion to listen to Alex, rather than a judgment toward Mia for not listening, which goes over way better with me.

Also, this scene is missing the part where Noora complains that William is controlling and she feels like she can’t argue against him, and Sana is like ... but does he get angry when you disagree? Then what’s the problem, that he’s smarter than you? That part of the scene has never felt right with me, first of all because William’s not actually that smart, lmao, all of his arguments are self-serving and it frustrated me that Noora wasn’t allowed to pick at the obvious holes in his bullshit. But more importantly, because it felt like there was no problem if William like ... didn’t Hulk out when Noora disagreed with him, that him getting angry was the only possible reason him telling Noora what to do or feel or think would be an issue. As if him trying to tell her what to think/feel/do in itself isn’t a problem, but also, completely ignoring that there are other ways besides anger someone can react unhealthily if you disagree with them. Like, for example, belittling you and calling you naive, something William does to Noora. Or dismissing your concerns as a tedious hurdle to get over, something William also does to Noora. Or turning your argument back on you, making you seem like the bad guy, like oh, you thought I was mean for saying something rude to Vilde? Well YOU were the mean one for saying rude things to me after that! Something William does to Noora. Sana’s response to Noora’s concern that William was controlling presented manipulative behavior within the limited manifestation of anger, when it can take so many more forms. And to be clear, Alex does say a lot of the same bullshit earlier in the season, during the date with Mia, but at least here Amira isn’t rushing to defend him. (And you know, if your friend tells you she thinks her boyfriend is controlling, maybe you should just accept her gut feeling and not try to talk her out if it. She probably knows better than you. Just saying.)

Clip 3 - Björn ruins everything

It’s raining and Mia’s headed to Alex’s. She run into Björn coming out of the building. Björn says he was there to see Alex, but he wasn’t home. Mia’s like, you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, maybe not for Alex, but anything that potentially leads to Björn getting his ass beat sounds like a magnificent idea, IMO.

They have polite talk about how he’s doing. He’s leaving but then turns around and apologizes for dragging Mia into this, it should be between him and Alex only. See, I can completely get why Mia might give Björn some benefit of the doubt, because outwardly he seems polite and thoughtful. He seems to be handling the matter more maturely than Alexander. Alex might be the better guy on the inside, but on the outside he can be rude and inconsiderate.

Mia starts to cry and sits down on the stoop, saying how everything happens at once. Björn sits down; he’s not overly in her face at this point, like he’s not trying to hug her or touch her, he just carefully asks if he should go and then sits down with plenty of space between them. Again, right now Björn doesn’t seem like such a terrible guy. It’s not like his behavior immediately pings as predatory.

Mia gets a text from her dad about her parents’ separation. Her mom kicked out her dad. Björn offers sympathy and beer. She says no, but he says alcohol can solve all your problems. So she agrees to a beer, and Björn goes off to get some. It’s pretty subtle, this moment, because again Björn seems like a nice guy, and in another instance, this could be a completely innocent suggestion. But he’s basically planning to lower her defenses. If she has one beer, maybe she’ll have another. And another. Maybe she’ll get drunk. Maybe she won’t be able to fight back. When Mia initially declines, he re-suggests it in such a friendly, helpful way, not like he’s pressuring her. But he does want her to re-consider. Like why does Björn care whether Mia has a beer or not, why is he invested? It’s chilling when you look back at this and see how his intentions were there all along.

While Björn is gone, Alex calls. He’s at school about to take a maths exam, but they express their desire to talk. They’re very polite and calm, not heated or emotional. They agree to talk tomorrow. Björn just ruins everything, they would have worked things out and Mia wouldn’t have been assaulted if Björn hadn’t been creeping around Alex’s. Actually, why does Björn go to Alex’s place? Is he stealing stuff? Trying to get Sophie’s things? He’s just a creep who gets off on the power of walking through Alex’s place when he’s not around?

Björn comes back with the beer and they clink to divorced parents. He tells her a story about his own family problems; he found chats between his dad and an old school friend, and his dad told him not to tell his mom, but his mom eventually caught the dad Skyping nude. Dad said Björn knew all along, so she kicked both of them out. But now he’s over it and gets along well with his parents.

This is a pretty interesting anecdote, honestly, because my initial reaction was, well, that’s shitty of Björn’s mom. It’s not your kid’s fault, the dad is the one in the position of power and the one who’s cheating on you, the dad is throwing his son under the bus. And then I was like ... well. If this story is true. Because this is something else manipulative of Björn, telling Mia a sad story that relates to her own family problems at the moment. Gaining her sympathy, opening up to her and telling her something personal so she feels she can trust him. I mean, Björn got me here and I know what’s coming in the story. If I momentarily forgot this guy’s true character, then it’s easy to see how Mia can feel like this guy isn’t so bad.

We don’t know if that story is true or not. If it’s true, then it’s an indicator of a dysfunctional family life and possibly a bad upbringing full of secrets and lies - definitely not an excuse for Björn’s behavior, though. Alexander also has a crappy family situation and he manages to not assault drunk girls. In any case, it’s a disturbing story. Björn says he’s over it and has a good relationship with his parents, but does he really? Is that just a thing he’s saying to make Mia think he doesn’t hold grudges? He’s not bitter at his mom for throwing him out as a teenager, he’s totally chill, he’s not the villain that Alexander said he was. He wouldn’t have an unwarranted grudge against Alexander or anything. The story not only makes Mia feel bad for him, but it makes him sound like a level-headed person who doesn’t cling to past wrongs. And the story also makes him sound like an innocent bystander, basically. Björn is the victim of other people’s indiscretions. And hey, maybe in this case it was true, but there’s something about it that primes you to think maybe Björn was just an innocent bystander in the Hardenberg family drama as well. It’s all pretty subtle but looking back on it, you see that sharing this story wasn’t just casual, it was strategic.

Mia says she doesn’t even know why it makes her feel bad, her parents are terrible together. He says it’s stupid to wish everything stays the way it was. They walk off together into the rain. It gets a little blurrier. Probably because Mia is drinking.

By the way, I love the presence of the rain in this clip. It might have been unintentional, it just happened to rain the day they filmed this scene, but I appreciate the atmosphere it conjures. Wet and cold, not super comfortable if you’re caught in it. Just something to add to Mia’s gloomy mood. (Or, you know, I also just like rain sounds.)

We see the two of them getting on the bus and Björn filming her for Instagram, through the POV of his phone’s camera. She’s not into being filmed, but Björn does it. Meanwhile Mia is opening another beer. Björn is getting closer to Mia, leaning into her for a selfie. Seems ominous as FUCK.

Clip 4 - Run away, Mia

Mia is still hanging out with Björn. NOOOOO BABY NOOOOO.

She says she has to go home and FaceTime with her dad, she explains her parents live in Madrid and that she’s 18 and lives alone, moved out when she was 16. Her aunt lives around the corner and used to check on her. We didn’t hear that before? I mean, maybe they weren’t super close, but auntie was an adult figure in Mia’s life monitoring her, that seems like an added bit of stability instead of a 16-year-old being completely on her own. But anyway, this part of the conversation gave me massive anxiety, because I was so worried that Björn was going to use this information against her. He knows she lives on her own, not with her parents, and I was afraid he was going to follow her home or try to go back with her and basically use this information to prey on her. I was utterly dreading that happening and hoping that like, Hans and Linn would be there to intervene and Mia wouldn’t wake up with Björn in her bed or something.

Mia says she doesn’t want to study, and Björn suggests hanging out with the guy her boyfriend almost killed instead. At that, Mia says Alex said Björn treated Sophie badly. Björn does not actually deny this, which is a red flag, IMO. He says that they treated each other badly and Sophie was complicated. Look, it happens in real life, instances where both partners in a relationship hurt each other, it’s mutually toxic, but abusers being like “my partner hurts me too” is a common defensive tactic. They shift responsibility for the abuse and present themselves as the victim, too. Notice he doesn’t elaborate on how exactly they treated each other badly, he just walks away, ending that line of conversation.

He sees some people taking a photo and he offers to help them. See, what a helpful, decent guy he is! Don’t think too much about the Sophie thing! Then he has them take a picture of him and Mia. (I love the one lady who’s waving at them, lol.) Björn has the guy take picture after picture, “one more” over and over. If I didn’t have bigger reasons to hate Björn, I’d want to kick his ass just for that, tbh.

Oh no, it’s even later and Mia’s still walking around with Björn, drinking. Lots of focus on the beer bottles. The night seems to get dreamier as it goes on.

OH JESUS that shot of Mia smiling and Björn blurred in the background, then switching to Björn in the background eyeing her. Fucking CHILLING, it’s like he’s eyeing her like prey. It doesn’t last too long and it doesn’t beat you over the head or anything with what a bad dude Björn is, but it’s enough to send shivers down your spine. It’s enough to make you think something is off, in case you too got drawn into Björn’s faux harmlessness.

I get why Mia would be out with Björn, because he has done a very convincing job of seeming normal and nice. She’s going through a very hard time, with Alexander, her family, not to mention other stresses like exams, and this evening feels like an escape. She can wander through the city drinking and feeling free and having fun. Björn isn’t asking anything heavy of her at this point. He’s just been a sympathetic listener and a chill companion. He’s managed to get to Mia when she’s vulnerable and wear down her defenses with alcohol. This guy is a skilled manipulator.

Clip 5 - Kill Björn, for real

Mia just keeps drinking. Oh no. She’s getting dizzy and drunk. She checks her phone and sees how late it is. . I like how the camera is all wobbly and gets blurry at points, like she’s so tipsy that it takes a moment to focus on her phone. She realizes she has to get home. Björn stops her. He tries to kiss her and she steps back, her giggly relaxed mood gone. She says she’s going to drink water. She goes into a bar or restaurant or something and is in the bathroom drinking water from the sink. (The graffiti reflected in the mirror says Eazy Peasy Lemon Squeezy, by the way. Truly the most important detail of this scene.)

Mia pukes a little into the toilet. She moans as if in pain. Things are getting very unstable and unfocused now. The sound effects and cinematography are ominous as hell, like this went south real fucking fast. There are a lot of closeups so you only get brief glimpses of what’s happening

OH MY FUCKING GOD HE’S BEHIND HER, WE SEE HIM STANDING IN THE BACKGROUND AS SHE’S HUNCHED OVER THE TOILET

Jesus CHRIST this is filmed similar to a horror movie, like he’s Michael Myers or some shit. Seriously, they film Björn similar to a slasher villain, his face blurred out, his figure unfocused in the background. Poor Mia is sick and feeling miserable so she doesn’t even notice that he’s behind her.

Was he locking/barring the door?

…. What is he doing?

HOLY FUCK IS HE JERKING OFF AND FILMING HER, DESPICABLE

The sound of his breathing as he does that ... JFC, he IS Michael Myers.

The look on her face when she realizes she’s not alone, damn. She gets up and shoves him aside, says to leave her alone. Thank God she was able to escape.

Mia gets outside and there’s some slow motion as she runs through the streets disoriented. She gasps when some guy asks if she has a light. Everyone is a threat now. She must also be worried that Björn has caught up to her or found her.

Björn texts her the pictures he took of her that day, going from smiles and happiness to Björn filming Mia from behind in the bathroom. The way the clip ends on her heavy breathing makes me think of Alexander’s panic attack and the focus on his breathing.

So we’re still doing this storyline, with only two episode left. I am glad that they didn’t drop such an important theme of S2; earlier, as we were getting closer to the end of the season with this plot not happening, I thought they might not include Björn assaulting Mia, but that sexual assault would be brought up because it turns out Björn raped Sophie and she ended up committing suicide because of it. I definitely wouldn’t say they toned down the assault but they did omit a part that would absolutely require more screentime than is perhaps possible at this point, when Noora thought she may have been raped but is unsure because she blacked out. That was like a two-episode plot point, there were scenes that focused on her finding out the truth. Something terrible happened to Mia, but it seems like she’s mostly aware of what happened; she was drunk but she didn’t black out. Narratively that’s better for the remaining time in the season, it would be waaaaaay too intense to cram in Mia trying to figure out if she was raped by Björn while she was unconscious, on top of wrapping up everything else in the season.

This clip was really, really good. Horrifying, but well-executed. The reveal of Björn standing behind Mia in the bathroom caused genuine fear in me. It was pretty clear about what happened but it didn’t cross over into unnecessary grossness because they had Björn be shadowed and his movements be kind of obscured, like it was shocking but didn’t feel like the moment was done for shock value, if that makes sense.

Clip 6 - Mia shutting out the world

Mia is lying in bed. She’s got wet eyes but she almost seems all cried out.

Hanna texts her about missing her bio exam, oh no. Mia says she’s sick. Nooo, Mia, don’t cut yourself off from your friends about this.

Hans and Linn come in and say Alexander is here. Mia says she’s sick, and the roommates already told him that but he won’t leave. She still doesn’t want to see him. However, Alexander comes and knocks on the door. She gets up and locks it. I like that moment, how careful and quiet it is, but also how simple it is, like she doesn’t seem to be debating it too much, she just knows with utter certainty she cannot face Alexander right now, and that’s heartbreaking.

You can hear Alexander trying to open the door and calling for her but it gets blocked out when Mia gets back in bed and sticks in her earbuds and listening to sad music - like the reverse of that earlier scene where she took out the earbuds to be able to hear him. There she was slowly opening up to Alexander, here she’s decisively trying to shut him out.

I like that the camera gets so close and focused on Mia toward the end, like she’s shutting everything else out. Except her own thoughts, those she can’t escape. The closing images after Mia shuts her eyes are flashbacks to last night, the trauma lingering.

Clip 7 - New Kiki is an upgrade

It’s a few days later. Mia is on her bed, looking at her computer. Hans says the kitchen is on fire and to come help, and lmao, I love that this is apparently plausible enough that Mia doesn’t call bullshit, like Hans could genuinely be burning down the apartment right now. which I guess was to lure her out of her room. But of course it was really to lure Mia out of her room, and when Mia opens the door, he says it’s a lie, and that she has a visitor.

Kiki is there, and she is wearing big round glasses that are utterly adorable. I love this development for how cute she looks and because of what it says about Kiki’s potential development. I don’t know, is it still considered uncool to wear glasses, or have we moved beyond that? But I do think that an image-conscious person like Kiki wearing big round glasses is a nice sign of her being more comfortable in her skin.

Kiki asks about her and Mia says she’s sick with a fever, Kiki doesn’t buy it. Worth mentioning that the last time Mia claimed to be sick, it was also fake, so Kiki is gonna suspect another fib right away. She says that Hanna said Mia missed her biology exam and didn’t call in sick. Mia said she forgot. Mia :(

Mia says Kiki doesn’t have to take care of her when she’s been a terrible friend and Kiki has better things to do, but Kiki shuts that down, saying Mia Winter doesn’t whine and she doesn’t pity herself. Heh, I love that Mia tried to push her away but Kiki seems totally over the drama, which is a big step considering a few weeks ago she was posting angry IG stories showing how she was pissed at Mia.

That gets through to Mia a bit. She says she likes Kiki’s glasses. Kiki does that expert push-up-the-nose gesture glasses wearers learn to perfect and thanks her, saying Carlos thinks they’re ugly. Mia correctly is like, he has no taste, you look fantastic! Kiki says she thinks so, too. Awww! Kiki was so willing to change herself for what Alexander wanted (trying to get a new perfume because Alexander didn’t like hers) that it’s nice to hear she doesn’t give a fuck what her boyfriend thinks about how she looks. It’s about what Kiki likes about herself, not a boy.

I like Carlos and all, but he’s the one in need of glasses if he doesn’t think Kiki looks good in hers. I mean that is legitimately a terrible opinion. This is why girls should not listen to boys’ hot takes on their appearances

Kiki says she’s feeling really good, although Carlos tells her she should go to a therapist because she’s so concerned about gaining weight. Mia is like, that’s what I’ve been telling you since we’ve met! Kiki says she never said it so directly. Well … fair point, from what I recall? Did Mia ever outright say Kiki should try therapy, or has she always been carefully walking up to the subject but never quite getting there? Really I’m not sure Kiki would have tried therapy before, and I don’t want to pin it on her getting a new boyfriend and valuing his opinion, but I also think the fact that she’s no longer chasing someone who isn’t interested in her, trying to keep his attention, does a lot to push the focus back to herself. Not what Alexander wants, but what Kiki wants.

Mia asks if she’s going to do therapy, and Kiki says she’s already been to a therapist, who is a tree hugger. Yesss, Kiki went to therapy! Honestly I would’ve expected her to put up more of a fight about it, considering she didn’t believe there was a problem for a long time, but it seems she’s accepted it. Mia says it helped her, and explains to Kiki that when she was 13-14 she was so lovesick she didn’t want to eat anymore and got sent to a psychologist after collapsing at school. She didn’t like it at first, but now realizes she wouldn’t have been able to get better if it weren’t for the psychologist. Kiki asks why she thinks she has to deal with everything on her own, then. Mia doesn’t really have a response to that. Kiki holds Mia’s hand and says they’re all there for her. Kiki hugs her as Mia tears up

Such a great scene, and I LOVE that Druck is having characters talk about therapy and normalizing it. We’ve heard about Mia, Kiki, and Alexander going to therapy, and it’s treated not as a scary or shameful thing, but something that’s a real option to help people live better lives. I love that Kiki seems to be in a better place but still acknowledges that she could use help for her weight-related anxiety. I love that they acknowledge that going to therapy doesn’t instantly solve your issues, but that Mia says it ended up being instrumental in her recovery. It’s just a very thoughtful inclusion and I think it’s part of why I feel Druck really wants to help teenagers in the way that Skam did.

Clip 8 - Björn fjucked up

That was a typo in my notes that I have made more than once and I decided to keep it.

Mia waits for Björn in a bar. When he enters he tries to touch her in greeting, and I feel my inner Ripley rising. GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH. Mia is not receptive to his touch.

Björn tries to order a beer for her - he doesn’t ask, just orders, but she says she doesn’t want one. He was probably trying to get her guard down again, seeing how well it worked last time. He even tries to get her to change her mind like last time, saying it’s on him. Trying to seem all friendly and generous again. But Mia is aware of his true character now.

Björn wants to sort out this drama quickly, how dismissive. He apologizes for what happened, saying he was wasted. But when Mia is unimpressed, Björn says he misintepreted the signals Mia gave him, so let’s not make a #MeToo thing out of this. FUCK YOU, DUDE. He says she flirted with him and now she’s embarrassed. Shifting the responsibility, making it Mia’s fault. Mia’s like, I sent you signals to whip out your dick in front of me? Seriously. Even in a hypothetical scenario where she had been flirting with him, how do you make the leap from flirting to taking your dick out, like isn’t that wildly extreme? And how do you interpret Mia as flirting when she had just backed away from a kiss outside? That’s a pretty clear stop sign. Björn says he was drunk, what is she going to do if she really gets harassed? Goddamn. Druck has the abuser response playbook absolutely down perfect, I’m pretty impressed at how they nailed the typical bullshit excuses.

Mia says he did sexually harass her and that she reported him. Björn is like, are you serious? He confides that he has a criminal record and this won’t look good for him. LMAO, not her problem you have a criminal record, dude. Shoulda thought of that before you took of your dick. And why the fuck do you have a criminal record?

He starts to get emotional and almost sniffly (manipulative) but Mia holds her ground. Her face is just unresponsive and unsympathetic and I love it. She’s not cracking. Then Björn asks her if she’s shown the pics to Alex, and Mia shakes her head. He says he’ll show them to Alex. Björn is pissed because her psychopath boyfriend almost broke his neck, and now Mia wants to report him over nothing, according to him. He says he’s just fighting back. Again, I fucking love how stone cold Mia is. Let Björn lash out all he wants, he’s not getting through to her.

Björn says if Mia doesn’t take back the report, He will show Alex the pictures and report him for grievous bodily harm. FUCK. I think she has a very brief moment of consideration, probably for what will happen to Alex, but Mia says, go ahead, he deserved it. DAMN GIRL. STONE. COLD. Björn says what does she think the police will do when they were alone, no one saw them, and she was drunk? Mia says maybe he would’ve gotten away with it a few years ago, but times have changed. And yes, maybe this is awfully optimistic of her. It’s not like #MeToo and related movements have made it so victims always get justice, that they are always believed and supported. There is still a long, long way to go. And of course I understand that things are not simple and there are reasons why victims would not want to report. But I still like that this is the message. I feel like it’s important to show that Mia will not be silenced and that she isn’t discouraged from reporting. Of course it’s never easy, but this is part of how the world changes, when women speak out.

Björn accuses her of trying to fight some feminist war, she says yeah (lmao that backfired on him, feminism is not a dirty word for women like Mia) and that she’s not going to keep her mouth shut even if the police can’t prove anything. It’s not blackmail, it’s the truth.

Björn gets up to leave, but before he goes, says Mia is brave, totally alone. One final attempt from him to get her to back down. Mia says she’s not afraid of him. Not gonna lie, I was waiting for that beer on the table to get thrown in someone’s face or for Björn to slam it down and break the glass or something.

After he goes, she takes her phone out of her pocket and says, he’s gone, I’m coming over to you now. She sees a bunch of text messages of support from the crew. Awww, the girls. So were they listening to the conversation? Recording it, hopefully? Because Björn just incriminated the hell of out himself. Not like he denied taking out his dick.

I do wish we had seen more of the girls prior to this scene, because Noora telling her friends was so important in that story. Even if Mia just told Kiki when Kiki visited, that would’ve been really great to see. But I do like that it proves how wrong Björn is when he says she’s totally alone, for that claim to be countered immediately, when we see the whole time she had people on her side.

Social Media/General Comments

Mia’s mom sends her a quote from Julia Engelmann, saying it moves her and she would like Mia to contact her. Google tells me she is a German actress who does slam poetry. I don’t know if there are any specific connotations with her, let me know if there’s something to this person that’s especially relevant to this story. Anyway, the quote is “Everything’s good, but never good enough. I don’t let go enough but allow way too much.” And regardless of the intent of the quote, in the context of Mia’s mom, I think she’s trying to say how her life isn’t what she wants. She feels stifled with Mia’s dad, she’s feeling restless. She wanted to hang out with Mia but something about it almost felt like she just wanted to get away and hang out in Berlin as much as see her daughter. Her life is OK but she craves more, and she isn’t as free as she wants to be, she allows too much from Mia’s dad. Mia is independent and this season she’s been letting down her guard to let someone else in, Mia’s mom wants to be independent and seems like she’s shutting out her husband.

So there’s a clip of sorts between Mia and her mom, that wasn’t in the episode itself, but was posted on the YouTube channel. It’s a video chat. Mia’s mom says she and the dad are separating, and what we learn from Mia is that this isn’t the first time it’s happened, or said it was going to happen, and that obviously Mom went back to Dad before. Mom says she was too weak it call it quits for good before, and now Dad is begging her to stay. Mom didn’t tell Dad, though, she thinks he just has to know that she can’t stand him anymore. Errr, not a great plan? As Mia points out, she’s just going to treat him like shit until he leaves. Mia describes this plan as cowardly. Now Mom gets upset and says Mia is making accusations. Mia thinks she deserves them because she’s playing with her dad and keeping him in suspense instead of being honest. Mom thinks if she throws him out, Dad will just come crawling back, and she’ll have to be the bad guy by breaking up with him. Mia says yeah, sometimes that happens. Mom doesn’t want Dad to hate her. Mia says sometimes that’s how it works. This actually gets through to her mom, like she seems to realize it has to be this way before she ends the call.

It’s amazing because Mia seems to be a lot more mature than her mom, like Mia’s mom is an adult and Mia is a teenager. But Mia also had to grow up faster by being independent and living on her own.

Mia also learned the same lesson earlier this season. She avoided telling Kiki the truth, in an attempt to avoid conflict, not have Kiki hate her, and not deal with the consequences of her relationship with Alexander. But eventually everything was discovered and exploded. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy if you’re going to be honest.

More Jonas messiness as Matteo asks if he wants to know if Hanna hooked up with boy Sam, Jonas says no, but then seems curious when Matteo says she didn’t. Later, Matteo texts Jonas as Jonas is missing his history exam. Jonas seems way too casual about oversleeping and missing the test, he’s not freaking out about it as most people would. My boy, you are all over the place.

Mia texts Hans to come get her and it has such a feeling like Isak texting Eskild after the hotel scene, I love it. I don’t think Hans realized the depth of what happened to Mia just from that short text conversation, obviously, but he came and got her without questions. I enjoyed this especially because at times Hans has seemed more selfish and careless than Eskild was, but we see that he really does have a thoughtful caring side here.

I lost track of some of the SM stuff at the time, but I heard Mia deactivated her Instagram after the assault? If so, ouch, poor Mia. Also a good use of the real-time and SM format.

When Mia texted Björn to arrange a meeting with him, Björn was so overly friendly, using happy emojis, and he said she could come to his place. UGH. Red fucking flag. Mia thankfully suggested the bar without acknowledging what he said. But it just grosses me out how innocent he tried to make himself come across, as if their last encounter didn’t end in Mia running away from him.

There was a ton of fandom drama because Björn’s actor decided to post some stuff on IG about how in a parallel universe Björn and Mia were the OTP or what the fuck ever, and then went on a rant all Alt Er Love when people pointed out it was messed up to glorify his sexual predator character. I didn’t pay a ton of attention to it because at best it was cringe-worthy and probably an attempt to win over the Skam fanbase, at worst gross and inappropriate, like I get it, as an actor you have to get into your character’s mindset, and a guy like Björn probably doesn’t think he’s the bad guy, he’s the one being wrongfully accused. But you shouldn’t carry that abuse apologia when you’re done with the job. Anyway, I don’t think we’ll see Björn after this so ... bye.

I’m not German so feel free to elaborate, clarify, or correct anything that I missed or misunderstood

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

#druck reactions #druck

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porgthespacepenguin · 6 years

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first thoughts about episode 11

So a few hours behind most people, I have finally watched episode 11 and … what a ride!

First let’s start off by comparing what I had predicted earlier on with what actually happened:

The eye injury Michael inflicted on Voq in episode 2 ended up super important (Correct)

Voq revealed (Correct)

Voq fighting against mirror!Voq (Correct)

Lorca being revealed in the same episode (Wrong)

Ash/Michael going down in flames (Correct)

Ash vs. Voq being the only prime vs. mirror showdown (Wrong)

4/6 isn’t too bad a score, and the episode honestly exceeded my wildest hopes (which I keep low on purpose). I am happy to get stuff wrong as long as it’s better than I anticipated! And it was.

And I admit I’m pretty proud of figuring out the eye injury was important, as it was what almost immediately clued me in to Ash being Voq and I have not seen it discussed anywhere else (if someone else did figure it out as well, feel free to comment and I’ll amend my post).

Now onto the analysis. Beware, this is not a meta, just some ideas after watching the episode a few times.

Ash/Michael – welcome to tragedy, population: us

Forewarned is forearmed: the show definitely did warn us, though not in so many words, that this could only end in tears. Regardless, witnessing Ash and Michael’s relationship crash and burn was beyond painful.

I wrote in my earlier meta that I didn’t believe that Ash/Michael could come back from all this. I stand by my opinion more than ever after episode 12.

First and foremost, there is the fact that as soon as Voq got his memory back (and therefore his full agency) he made his choice, in full conscience.

And that choice was to murder Michael.

Let that sink in for a while.

He chose to murder her in cold blood.

Worse, if mirror!Saru hadn’t intervened, he would have gone through with it and succeeded. It was only because of Michael showing kindness to Saru earlier on that she didn’t die.

Later on in the episode, Voq shows no remorse. No regrets. Not even a hint of internal pain.

To me, more than anything, this highlights that their relationship is dead in a romantic sense.

You can come back from a lot of things – lies, double-crossing, even betrayal – but attempted murder without a hint of remorse or regret is more than a line crossed.

Especially as they are an established relationship, not two adversaries on a battlefield (I would not hold their first fight in episode 2 to the same standard, for example – that was a clearly different situation).

If the show did walk that back, and put them back together, I don’t think I could continue watching. I liked Ash/Michael but after watching episode 11, I’m out.

Some people have speculated that Michael could potentially find mirror!Tyler and pick up the relationship with him instead. I see many issues with this:

Assuming there is even a Tyler…

And his mirror!version is not a racist jerk…

Michael did not have feelings for Tyler, she had feelings for Tyler/Voq…

And just picking up a spare right after losing the original guy feels a bit… cheap?

I know, I can hear some of you saying: wait, aren’t you the one who wrote that long boring meta about how Lorca had a past relationship with mirror!Michael?

Yes, I am. And I stand by it, by the way. I truly think it would be really lovely storytelling to have Lorca finding his lost love in another universe after tragedy struck (and if Michael hadn’t been sentenced to life in prison, to a literal “future full of misery”, I’m not sure he would have interfered at all – just a gut feeling).

When it comes to Michael and Ash, trying to replace the original guy (who attempted to murder you) with a lookalike equipped with a better personality is problematic to say the least.

It would cheapen their actual relationship (past or not, it did exist!) and totally erase Voq from the equation, leaving us to wonder what purpose this whole arc served. Unsatisfying on so many levels, so that’s a pretty firm no from me.

In the future, what will happen with Voq?

Until we go back to the prime!universe, probably not a whole lot. Michael might have to face him again to come to terms with some things, though.

Once we are back, from a story perspective Voq will have to resume his own narrative arc, which means potentially breaking out with L’rell and going back to the Klingons.

Perhaps a resolution to the war can then be found before the end of season 1 but it would necessitate a time jump: no way can we go believably from murderous fanatic Voq to “humans are not so bad” Voq in 2 episodes.

We might get there eventually, if his experiences as Ash can bring him the same wisdom mirror!Voq displayed. But again, this type of character development takes time.

Before we move on… in hindsight all of Tyler’s declaration of love and protection sound pretty hollow right about now. And yes, I’m bitter about it on Michael’s behalf.

Michael deserves better, dammit.

Michael/Lorca

The agony booth scene

So much to unpack here, it almost deserved its own post.

Before anything else… poor Gabriel. I mean look at him. He needs a hug and a stiff drink, is what he needs.

So, the agony booth scene. They are both standing. Lorca looks like hell, he is shaking and barely holding together. Importantly, this has stripped away a lot of his defenses. He is not in control the way he usually is, not anymore.

Michael is conflicted about what to do with the rebel base. Lorca’s response is immediate, do what you have to do and bomb them if you have to.

Now I have seen some people react to this as confirmation of Lorca being evil or being out to grab the throne for himself.

But let’s keep a few things in mind:

Lorca is familiar with the Empress, and he correctly foresees the fact that she will be mightily displeased at her orders not being followed. Michael is taking a huge tactical risk by being merciful, and it ends up having huge consequences.

Even if he is not affiliated with the rebels, it doesn’t follow that he would not be leading a rebel Terran faction of his own. As far as we have seen, the rebel group led by Voq doesn’t seem to have any Terran members. It would be fairly logical that there would be dissent within the Terran ranks beyond the non-human resistance.

The conversation that follows is pretty amazing. This is one of the first time we see Michael inspire Lorca, pulling him toward her idealism and Starfleet morals and away from the mirror universe’s darker, more ruthless standards.

After all, wasn’t that explicitely one of the reasons he chose her?

You chose to do the right thing, even at great personal cost.

That moment, all the way back in episode 3, made me certain that Lorca isn’t evil.

Dark? Maybe. Morally grey? Sure.

Evil? No.

I mean let’s be logical about this. If I were a villain intent on committing a villainous plot, I wouldn’t go ahead and specifically pick a person with a strong moral compass to help me with it. They would of course try to thwart me at every turn. It would make zero sense.

Ah, penguin, I can hear some people say, but what if Lorca needs her, specifically, to access the Empress? Wouldn’t he recruit her and then manipulate her into doing his bidding then?

Sure. So let’s take a detour to “How to manipulate someone 101”:

Destroy your victim’s self esteem

Use gifts and favors to create a feeling of obligation

Isolate them from their support system: family, friends, romantic attachments

Denigrate their achievements

Undermine their self confidence

Punish the victim for perceived transgressions

Right. And in contrast, so far Lorca has:

Helped her rebuild her confidence on her own (contrast the start and beginning of episode 3, it’s such an amazing change)

Given her a job and a place aboard a starship again, while avoiding her gratitude as much as possible

Helped her maintain or rebuild her support system: mounted a rescue for Sarek (family), gave her Tilly as a roommate (who was the only one good hearted enough to look past Michael’s transgressions and befriend her), and kept his opinion to himself concerning her relationship with Tyler (though he was undoubtedly jealous)

Praised her for her strategic mind and her strong sense of morale

Encouraged her to take pride in herself (“You did well, Burnham. You should be proud.”)

Trusted her with the most important missions

Ignored at least one transgression that could have landed her in the brig (that fight they had on the bridge in episode 9)

I’m sure I’m forgetting things but you get the idea.

Honestly, if he needed her only as a tool, it would have been much smarter to keep her under his thumb with her confidence broken. Look how pliable she was at the start of episode 3.

(Again, I do think that the fact that Georgiou is the Empress is significant, and that having Michael on his side against her is a tactical advantage – but that’s not the whole of it, by a long shot.)

Anyway, moving on.

Michael sweetens the deal by adding the part about finding out how the Fire Wolf leads his coalition, but essentially it all boils down to:

She appeals to his moral sense

She asks him not to force her to commit such a terrible act

And it works. Partly because after so much torture, Lorca’s defenses are way down. But I think it’s mostly because of Michael’s ultimate secret weapon: she says please.

Seriously.

She says please, and… that’s that.

Just like with the Sarek rescue mission, Lorca just gives in and makes an illogical tactical decision (which, I might add, results in the Empress coming straight for them at the end of the episode).

Visually, I don’t have much to say beyond the extensive use of choker shots. Those are very often used to create emotional intimacy and tension, as I’ve mentioned many times before. This is not a shot you’d use for people who are not developing a strong relationship of some sort (be it friendship or romance).

And finally… Lorca’s “Hurry back. Please.” just kills me.

That’s not an order. That’s a plea.

The meeting room scene

Their second scene together is quite different. Lorca is looking a little better, while Michael seems shattered by her recent betrayal.

By the way. I love how Michael (who is a tough cookie) is psychically exhausted after 3 days in the mirror!universe and how much reflection (pardon the pun) she is doing on it.

Hopefully it will help mitigate her anger at Lorca when she finds out he is from the mirror!universe too (and has spent his entire life there without turning into a human-shaped demon spawn like the rest of the Terrans). At this point, overthrowing the Empress is starting to look like a moral imperative.

Lorca informs her they have to stay longer, for reasons that are both tactically sound and highly convenient, because I’m pretty sure he plans to face the Empress at some point (though probably not right there and then).

There also a lovely little morsel I wasn’t expecting: Lorca sounds jealous. He can’t bring himself to say “liked” or “loved” (that little pause is very telling) and when he says “Tyler”, you can tell he truly wanted to say “what’s his face”.

As an aside, I think he only noticed Michael’s partiality for Tyler in the previous episode, when Ash had a panic attack in the worker bee. I don’t think I mentioned it in my main meta, but I adore the way Lorca manages to sound at once gruffly protective (“You can relax too. He’s safe.”) and jealous despite himself.

Moving on.

Michael just can’t take it anymore, she’s scared, and she just admits it to him, leading to this amazing exchange:

“I don’t think I can survive this place alone.”

“You are not alone, Michael. We will survive this place… together.”

And then Lorca takes her hand. This is the first touch we have seen him initiate with her. It’s also the second time he calls her Michael, and that’s not a coincidence.

Not Michael Burnham, not Burnham, not Specialist Burnham.

Just plain Michael.

Right there and then, Lorca is not being her captain. He’s just being a man, comforting a woman.

Even more importantly, @trashywestallen made a brilliant point in one of our discussions, which I hadn’t noticed until she pointed it out.

This scene is meant to be the mirror of the scene in episode 10 when Ash reaches for Michael’s hand during their discussion in the mess hall.

Both Ash and Lorca are on seated the left, while Michael is sitting on the right. (Very quick aside, the man on the left/woman on the right is imagery commonly found in classical paintings, with the Arnolfini portrait commonly cited as an example.) Both contacts are initiated by the man.

That’s where the similarities end, because everything else is inverted.

In the scene with Ash and Michael, the camera zooms in on their joined hands but very noticeably, the shot is obstructed by a teacup.

Contrasting this with Michael and Lorca: their hands are in plain view. There is even a shot with the light streaming in from behind through the window and onto their joined hands.

Another major difference: Tyler grabs Michael’s hand possessively to reassure himself. Lorca lays a calming hand over Michael’s to reassure her.

Ash takes Michael’s right hand with his right; Lorca covers Michael’s right hand with his left. Symbolically, this is hugely significant. The left hand is the hand (or arm) a gentleman or a knight would use to escort his lady: keeping the right hand, his sword hand, free to defend her.

Lastly: Ash asks her to let him handle things on his own; Lorca says they will figure it out together.

Point taken, I guess?

Everything else

Stamets! I am pretty glad to have been wrong about there being only one twin encounter. Go save your love, Paul. (Though mirror!Stamets freaks me out a little).

Empress Georgiou is utterly terrifying. I love it.

Michael lying to spare Saru (while Saru lies to spare her) is just lovely. Also interesting to note she is willing to lie for a good cause (not unlike other people I could name…)

Michael’s kindness to mirror!Saru coming back to save her is almost karmic.

Mirror!Voq was awesome. Wise, strong, everything a leader could be. Unfortunately, that means prime!Voq is the evil twin. Bummer.

Mirror!Sarek, who’s met Michael all of 5 minutes, is more validating and full of praise than our own Sarek. Seriously, dude, you’re going to have to step up the dad game, presto.

#star trek #star trek discovery #star trek discovery spoilers #star trek disco spoilers #lorca x burnham #michael burnham #gabriel lorca #michael burnham x gabriel lorca #st:fallenangels #USS ArchAngel #st:archangel #uss archangels

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macguires · 7 years

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ok first of all if someone actually decides to open this , i want 2 v firmly express that i would actually turn into the fucking knife emoji if anyone ever tried to contact someone about what i vent abt on my blog and i could go on a whole separate rant about exactly why

plus a) i’ve been thinking obsessively about this since i was a literal child (especially over the last year or so) and it’s gotten too frustrating and overwhelming to have this on my mind every second of every day and know i can’t talk about it to anyone irl because people will freak out and try to intervene and i’ll have the one choice i can make for myself taken from me so i would very much like to actually be able to get this stuff out without needing to worry about people here doing that also and b) my mother is already aware of a fair portion of the stuff i’m about to vent about so u will do nothing she hasn’t thanks

this is absolutely just me basically talking to myself and getting everything out that’s been bothering me and that i’ve been distracted by and this is very much a last resort way of me getting it out, this isn’t really for other people to read like. i don’t mind if someone does, i just want to make it v clear that this is first and foremost just a jumble of incoherent thoughts that i’m putting down as i think them and i can’t deal w/ someone seeing it and getting involved by telling anybody about it, not that i actually think someone would sit here and literally read through it all because even i don’t know how long this will get and it very literally only matters & relates to me

but i’m really paranoid so just in case like. even if this makes no sense to u and u think it’s the right thing to do to tell someone about it or something just do me a favour and Do Not lol

anyway ok time to Empty my Brain in no order whatsoever

honestly i’ve literally been like Actively Suicidal for so many fucking years that at this point i’m just on a whole new level of it lmfao. like whenever people are kinda clued in to what i’m thinking (by which i mean the 1.5 people who've ever actually half-noticed bc i never fucking talk to people about things) they kind of assume that it’s bc i’m like. i’ve given up on getting better and if i just make Yet Another effort to seek help (which has never helped ever) or someone just talks to me about stuff i’ll see Hope and that i don’t really want to die and instead want to be ‘saved’ and to get better and live happily etcetcetc

but like.... that’s not even it like i’m? i love the world. i love the universe, i love everyone i’ve ever met, i love my family and my friends and everyone who’s neither of those things and i absolutely love the Little Things in life and talking to people and all of that stuff

like it’s not that i hate the world or can’t see the value of life or anything? that’s not it at all

i’m honestly so far past the whole Super Angsty emo stage of being suicidal and i’ve crossed over into ‘serene acceptance’

like it’s just a fact to me that i’m going to do it? this has been the plan since i was like 11, this was always how i was going to do things, i always knew when i’d do it and how and what i wanted to get done first and i’ve always had it in my mind no matter what i’m doing or talking about, and it doesn’t make me sad to think about it now that it’s not so far away? i’m literally sitting here counting down until it’s time (i’m staying to see the last two star wars movies first lmao i’ve still got A While) and it’s just another Thing. like i just feel totally chill about it and i’m actually in a better mood now that things are properly settled in my mind than i ever was when i had no idea what i was going to do in the future, like i’m appreciating everything so much more now and every conversation i have just feels. like i’m taking it all in and saying everything i want to say while i still can and making sure that people know i love them and. idk i’m sure it only makes sense in my head and would be awful & stupid to other people but like i’m so calm about it

like a few years ago i would’ve been wishing for help and for people to talk to me and for me to find a way to turn my whole life around and fix my v faulty brain, but now i feel like i’ve literally just crossed over a line somewhere, like past the point of no return, and now you could offer me all of that, you could offer me another way out and everything i’ve ever wished for, you could offer me Unlimited Happiness and true love if i keep living, and i’d literally be like “thanks but nah. i think i’ll leave anyway”

? like i’ve seen the world. i’ve tried it out. it’s lovely. it’s beautiful and i love the people i’ve met and i hope i’ve made a positive impact on them while i’ve been here. the stars are pretty. video games are Good. i love life - i just don’t love being a part of it. it’s just....... Not For Me. it’s never made me anything but miserable and literally every bad thing that could happen happens to me, esp mental health-wise. i’m so exhausted so like thanks for the trial run but it’s been terrible personally and i want the chance to opt out now

and i don’t even want to imagine how much worse i’d feel all over again about all of my mental and physical health problems if i didn’t have this because i’m literally coping with everything right now by thinking to myself “well i won’t have to deal with them for long anymore”, like everything in my life is now being dealt with via the ‘only a little longer’ mindset and if i had that taken away from me i’d be Destroyed yet again

but like legitimately i’ve just. since i was a child all life has been is depression and anxiety and anorexia and avpd and suicidal thoughts and literal physical & verbal child abuse as well as seriously fucked up domestic abuse where literal guns were involved towards my mum and then watching my dad get questioned by police and get charges pressed against him and then watching them get dropped and him never getting punished for any of it and carrying on w/ his life because police asked me to tell them about it while my mum stood there in the room the whole time to make sure i was covering for him and she would lie to my sisters when they asked me about what was going on and nobody ever believed me and even now if i mention it to friends i can never shake off the “oh my god they don’t believe me they think i’m lying and making it all up for attention” and i hate it. and i don’t hate him now bc he’s different now but my whole childhood was fear and violence and anger and nobody coming to my house because my friends were terrified of him even when he was acting nice for guests and it still affects me & my mum to the point where we were watching a video of my sister’s wedding a couple of months ago (which happened around the time the abuse was at its Absolute Height) and my dad came onscreen at one point without warning and i literally wanted to throw up and i was shaking and my mum got so bitter and sad and for a split second seeing him just like he was when it was all happening, it was like being back there and i just felt it all all over again and i felt so helpless and angry and i’d really been trying so so so hard to forget it all and i hate that nobody will ever know how bad it was or fully believe me when i reference it

and when i talk about me ‘dealing w/ anorexia’ i mean that’s literally. like if you don’t have an eating disorder you have no idea. a couple of my friends know that i have it and i know exactly what they think it’s like and they have n-o-i-d-e-a how bad it is and how all-consumingly it takes over your entire life, literally everything. it’s so different from what you hear about it and assume about it if you’re reading about it without experiencing it firsthand, it’s so much worse and so much more horrible and painful and for like 3 years now i’ve been able to think of nothing but weight and food and eating and how many weeks it’ll be until i can next eat something and it’s made me bitter and stressed and i’ve gotten literally nothing from it. like surprise! you don’t even always lose weight! that’s a possible side effect of an eating disorder, but thanks to Starvation Mode and the speed of ur metabolism, you could royally fuck up your life irreversibly, damage your internal organs, push away all of your friends and throw away your entire future as well as make yourself totally miserable and be at risk of dying and you’ll still be the same weight you were when you started! in fact u might even look bigger bc u’ll bloat constantly, even if all u did was have a drink! u will literally look pregnant! nobody will believe that ur eating disorder is serious bc even if u haven’t eaten for a month u’ll still look totally healthy! and if ur like me the Logical Solution to this will be deliberately dehydrating yourself to the point of passing out in front of people multiple times just so u aren’t bloated when they see u, bc they might think it’s fat! will that mean you’re able to stop starving urself bc you see that it’s not doing anything and ur not losing weight? nope! have fun continuing w/ putting urself through literal hell for nothing and also with massive crying panic attacks over half a pound of temporary water weight gained after drinking a cup of tea one day

and i’ve had to drop out of school and i’m never going to be able to work or live alone and i’m literally never going to be happy or enjoy life in the slightest so i’m literally like. why should i keep forcing myself through this. why should i stay here and have my whole life be like this and keep living for other people who make me feel miserable anyway, why shouldn’t i be selfish and make my own choice about whether or not i want to keep doing this all day every day for another 60+ years, why shouldn’t i get an option, why shouldn’t i be able to say “yeah this isn’t for me, i literally don’t remember feeling happy or loved at any stage in my life and it’s just not worth it for me, i’d quite like for everything to stop now, thank you for the opportunity”

like i know that’s selfish and unreasonable and i know it would make no sense if i ever tried to tell someone about it and i know that people would panic and try to change my mind and call people and like. get me put somewhere where i can’t do shit because they think i’ll change my mind one day or feel better later or they want me to stick around for them (tho there is a part of me that’s started thinking of that as like. why should i only be living for other people when i don’t want to, shouldn’t i be living for myself? shouldn’t that be the whole point? if i don’t want to do that and i’ve stuck around since i first started feeling this way when i was 11 purely for other people’s sakes and i’ve found that that just isn’t working out and hasn’t changed anything and at no point has anything gotten better like people always told me it would, why can’t i make this one really selfish choice for myself and say no thank you i’d like to make this decision for me now)

but vague bitterness aside, i’m past the “oh my god my life is horrible and i cry 24/7 and i just want to die, i’m going to end up killing myself and that’s awful and sad and i wish i wasn’t like this” stage that lasted literal years and i’m in the “yeah i’m definitely gonna be doing that, but that’s a peaceful and comforting thought rather than a depressing one, i feel much calmer and more clear-headed knowing that there’s an Exit in sight and i don’t have to do this for much longer”

and the fact that i’m sticking around as long as i am purely to watch the last two star wars sequel movies (or at least the next one, whether i want to wait for the last one or not depends on what happens in that) is probably also the dumbest-sounding thing i’ve ever said. like i wasn’t even supposed to be here that long. the whole thing since i was 11 was that i was supposed to be Very Dead by the end of 2017. i went through my last birthday with the assumption in my mind that it would be my last one. and i was v relieved about it. but ta-da! here we are and i accidentally got attached to star wars and then had a literal massive dramatic panic attack alone in my room as i tried to figure out how to deal w/ my Need to know what happens next with the thing i’ve been planning and that i’ve been comforted by the certainty of for years, eventually very reluctantly and miserably deciding that i’ll stay to see through to the end of these stupid-ass movies while also desperately hoping i’ll lose interest in them before then and can give up on that and it won’t be a problem anymore. and like there’s no going back after i’ve seen them. especially after changing plans to wait for the movies to come out, that’s already WAY TOO LONG and v much stresses me out to think about, i was NOT supposed to ever reach the age i’ll be when they’re done in a couple of years, so no matter what as soon as i’ve seen them i am Gone Bye Bye lmfao i’ll literally be rushing to do it out of panic by then bc of the Delay

and i always thought i’d stick around for my irl best friend, that’s how it was at first. there was one brief time during february 2014 (i think?) when i ended up almost doing something v permanent because i was v miserable and said best friend phoned me one night about how they were scared they were going to be kicked out of their house and sent to some random place in perth (which is pretty far away) and i told them they could stay at mine if they needed to, and thankfully they weren’t kicked out and things were resolved back then but i literally remember thinking to myself like. if something ever happened to them, i wanted to be there for them? i was like “if i’m dead i can’t help them, i can’t say ‘you can come to mine’ if they ever need to, i won’t be there to answer if they’re ever in another situation where they need to call someone” and i’ve never told them about this but they pretty much saved me back then just by doing that because i realised i couldn’t go through with it like a day before i was supposed to, i didn’t want to leave them

and like distantly, in a r e a l l y detached way, i’m sort of glad i don’t feel the need to do that anymore? like they did eventually end up getting kicked out not long ago and they did end up staying at my house (which i admittedly did for selfish reasons, i wanted to be useful and i wanted to feel like i was helping them and like i was keeping my promise to do that for them if they ever needed to) and now i’ve done that and they’ve met new friends and they’re just. doing so many wonderful things and we’ve drifted a little in the sense that i know they’ll be totally fine, i’ve sort of drifted from everyone, and that doesn’t only make me feel sad anymore? like i’m actually so proud of them, i’ve known my friends for years and watched them achieve so much and i know everyone will be okay and they’re all going to do so much w/ their lives and i wish them all the happiness & love in the world, and it’s sort of just really freeing to be able to say that i don’t feel like i need to stay for them, it won’t really affect their lives if i wasn’t here anymore (and i don’t even mean that to sound self-pitying or anything, it doesn’t make me upset to say that anymore, it’s literally just another thing i’m v accepting of), they have other people to call and other people to be with and i’m so happy for them

and it’s just totally changed the way i’m seeing things, like i might (depending on how i feel about my weight at the time lol bc that dictates Everything now, it’s great fun) be meeting up with a few friends in april and i don’t see them irl that often anymore, and i’m going into this knowing i’m very possibly seeing them for the last time? depending on whether we all get together in person again in the year or two afterwards? and it’s so strange idk. like it’s strange to think that i’m going into this and i’m going to be looking at them and wondering if i’ll see them again before it happens or if this’ll be the last time i do and. like it bothers me a little because they won’t know and us all meeting up that day won’t mean the same thing for them as it does for me, but i’m trying to let that feel freeing too

idk man everything’s just. i’m accepting everything. a lot of things that would have made me panic and cry and pity myself a few years ago just sort of gets a. “yeah, that’s true, and that’s okay, i’m not mad/sad about that anymore” response from me now because everything is just so much more ‘whatever’ now that i can tell myself i don’t need to feel all of this and think all of this for any longer than another couple of years and i just want to love & appreciate everything and everyone so there’s absolutely no mistake about what i think of anyone, like while i’m still here i want to spend that time making sure nobody can feel uncertain about how much i love them & how grateful i am, i want to make people as happy as i can and to tell them everything i love about them while i can

i used the word ‘freeing’ a minute ago and i guess that’s the term i’ve been looking for since the start of this shamefully long post and since i started thinking about all of this more concretely, knowing i have this actual solid way out and knowing when i’ll get there and how long it will take and how it will happen is so freeing and it’s just making everything feel more peaceful and meaningful (? that’s not quite the right term but) and i’m so determined not to let this get taken from me

#this is incoherent and is very much written for venting purposes #it's LITERALLY me talking to myself for like 15 paragraphs #idk how i'd feel about other people seeing this and this is v much a precarious place to post it lmao #but i have nowhere else and it's been upsetting me & distracting me to be thinking about it constantly #and knowing i can't tell anyone about it and knowing people will react badly and that i can't. share it w anyone like #i've been dealing w it on my own for years & years & it's very!! overwhelming #and i just want somewhere to say it that's not in my own head lmao #like i feel better just knowing it's Somewhere external #i feel like i've sort of finally talked about it without actually talking TO someone about it #which is basically what i needed #mine #anyway if someone is actually fucking bored enough to open what i've essentially just described as a screaming diary #please pay attention to the first few parts because that's the only reason i put them there just in case someone saw them #and. u know. probably don't keep reading if it doesn't sound like something u can agree to

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