On the Way to Rock Bottom
There was a bit of a trick when it came to getting into the building’s laundry room, and Maddy had more or less perfected her preferred method. With her laundry basket pinned between her hip and the face of the door, her hands were free so that she could fit her key into the lock and, once it was open, push one hand against the corner that tended to stick while she turned the knob with her other hand. The really tricky part was catching her basket when the door unstuck and swung open. She managed! with the quick reflexes of the prepared and only a mild swear.
And then she, immediately after clearing the door as it shut itself behind her, yelped and stumbled into a drier.
“Oh fuck- Andrew,” she addressed the figure slouched like a cadaver in the far corner, “you scared me.”
He sniffled. Stirred. After a long second of silence, he flopped his gaze up to look at her. His face remained blank for another stretch. He blinked, and then light entered his eyes.
“Ari…zona.” His mouth twitched into a fond smirk. “Y’ fixed the door.”
Maddy’s heart clenched. She set her basket on top of a washing machine and made her way to the corner he was slouched in. She crouched down by his feet.
“Fixed it?”
Andrew hummed, affirmative.
“Closed behind me, got stuck.”
Maddy bit down the thought to remind him that it was locked as a default state of being. Locked and so old school that you needed a key to open it from either side. It seemed safe to assume he either didn’t have his key or had forgotten he needed it to get out. (How, she wondered on a secondary train of thought that extinguished as soon as it flared, had he gotten in?) Regardless…
“How long have you been down here?”
Andrew blinked again. His fond greeting faded into a look that Maddy couldn’t place. He shrugged.
“Okay, um. Hold on a second.”
Maddy reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out her phone. She had just pressed send on a text to Viv when Andrew sat up. Both of his hands, abnormally warm, closed around her forearm. Maddy found herself face to face with an Andrew far removed from the one who had first greeted her. His brow was crumpled and beaded with sweat. His breathing pitched into an odd rhythm, making his leaned-forward position seem like he was doubled over in pain. For a long time he just held on to her like that, looking at her then over her shoulder like there was someone there (there was not: she checked twice even though she knew there was not) then shaking himself and looking at her again. Wanting for speech, each shift of his attention was slow and exaggerated, like a film that had been slowed down. Maddy took the opportunity to respond to Viv a few more times.
“It makes sense,” he told her through his teeth, startling Maddy, “it makes sense because it doesn’t make sense… he won’t see me. You don’t even do anything. The door closes and nobody believes you, you say it so many times and nobody ever does. Yeah, it makes sense.”
Maddy shook her head, breathing through the sick feeling that had slushed into every corner of her skin. Her thoughts made a leap, but she wanted it to be wrong.
“What,” she asked, “what makes sense?”
Andrew’s mouth snapped shut, his teeth clicking together, and kept pressing so that the corners of his jaw flared out. Without either of them looking down, Andrew turned Maddy’s arm so that her wrist faced upward. The sick feeling pooled, sour, behind her teeth.
“I’ll tell you a secret” Andrew whispered, conspiratorial, and he was someone new again, crumpled brow replaced with wide-eyed mania. It was only by his gesture, a shake of her arm and the brush of his fingertips across the scar buried under her sleeve, that Maddy knew he hadn’t changed subjects. “I’m a coward.” She inhaled sharply. He laughed, humorless. “And stupid. It’ll never make sense. He’ll never see me … no reason. The sky goes up and I’m just…a coward.”
Maddy released the breath she’d held in and instead took hold of Andrew’s arm. Her reply held only the greatest affection as she told him to:
“Shut the fuck up.”
Andrew, whose gaze had wandered, returned his eyes to Maddy’s face. He laughed again. He laughed and laughed and uncrumpled, falling backward like a triggered mouse trap. Whap! the back of his head connected with the concrete wall. He didn’t seem to notice. No amount of ‘hey’s and ‘Andrew’s would convince him to sit up again. His humor, his desperation, his shining eyes: all were gone. He was staring, eyes half lidded and glazed, at the long fluorescent bulbs that lit the laundry room. Maddy felt spiritually connected to Viv’s last text.
Well, fuck.
With the effort of the stubbornly determined, Maddy hauled Andrew into a seated position and then, with some awkward shuffling, tucked herself behind his back, keeping him propped that way. She didn’t know… well, as much as she suspected a few other people in the building would, but she did know that laying on your back was a bad thing, even if she couldn’t remember why. Andrew leaned his head back, draping it on Maddy’s shoulder. Maddy suppressed the urge to try and coax more words out of him, afraid of what path it might lead him down, and simply wrapped her arm around as much of his shoulders as she could manage.
That’s how they were sitting when Viv pushed the laundry room door open. Maddy’s relief mingled with gut deep discomfort. Viv was clearly and understandably upset, so Maddy did her best to explain what she knew about Andrew’s condition. With Viv’s help, Maddy managed, finally, to get him into a properly upright position. And then, as soon as it seemed reasonable, Maddy excused herself and stepped out.
She made it to the small hallway between the stairs and the elevator and managed, even, not to throw up. She took a deep, shuddering breath. Then another.
Coward. What a word to use, coward. She knew the thought- too scared to do it, too afraid to try. What if it worked. What if it didn’t— Maddy shook out her hands and fought for another shuddering breath.
Five things. There had to be five things to see, what were they? She scanned the hall: bare concrete, one. Silver elevator doors, two. Water stain on the ceiling, three. Viv’s key still in the door, four. The scratched and dented polish on the handrail of the stairs. There, five.
Now touch four things. The ground under her feet, permanent, the wall against her back, sturdy. Two. She combed her fingers through the loose waves of her hair, three. Three… she crossed her arms. Her jacket sleeves, four.
Okay. Good.
Three sounds. Viv’s voice in the laundry room, muffled. The quiet whir of the elevator going- she glanced at the panel- up. Shoes on the stairs, down. Easy.
Two- it always smelled like laundry down here, detergent and softener and drier sheets. What else? She couldn’t find anything, but she had her One: her chapstick tasted of oranges. She had been chewing on her lip. That was fine. She didn’t feel like she was going to throw up anymore.
Someone touched Maddy’s arm, summoning her out of the middle distance. (When her eyes recentered, she was looking at the panel next to the elevator still, though couldn’t have said what she had actually been focused on.) She found Cameron’s worried face waiting for her.
“Hey, you okay?”
Cameron. Of course, he was there to help Viv help Drew. Maddy presented a feeble smile and nodded.
“I’m fine. You should go help Viv, I don’t think he’s being very cooperative in there.”
Cameron swayed in place. He wanted to be in more than one place at a time. He eyed Maddy’s crossed arms.
“Whatever he said,” Cameron started, apologetic, “he didn’t mean it.”
Maddy pressed her lips flat and turned her head.
“Yes he did.”
Cameron gave the next humorless laugh of the night, a short exhale. He touched, fleeting, the side of Maddy’s face.
“Yeah. He did. I’m sorry.”
Maddy shook her head.
“It’s really fine. Just..” she bit her lip and felt her brow furrow, though she had been trying not to let it. “Just keep an eye on him, okay?”
Cameron nodded, solemn, and went into the room.
Maddy waited outside. She watched as Cameron and Viv guided Andrew down the narrow hall and loaded him into the elevator. And then there was just her. Or, if certain people were to be believed, just her and the ghost that inhabited the laundry room. If not, then it really was just her and a plastic basket of worn clothes. She loaded the machine and wondered what she might have told Andrew if she wasn’t the coward he thought he was.
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Mugs of Goodwill
I was getting pajamas at Goodwill and as happens, I ended up wandering down the tat aisles. I don't buy a lot of physical possessions these days, but I love cycling mugs, so let's see what they have! Oh boy!
1) Blue Heron
Honestly, I didn't realize until I got home that this heron mug, despite being marked dishwasher/microwave safe (and vegan??), has an odd...crumple to the design, which is flaking off. They go for a buck, so if it starts going downhill, I'll take it outside and use it as a seed starter. Reduce reuse recycle!
2) Frolicking Reindeer
This is obviously going away for a bit, but I'm looking forward to pulling it out of storage after Thanksgiving. Hot drinks from seasonal mugs is one of my favorite things!
3) Trick Shadow Mug
Do you ever buy something and regret it? More specifically, do you ever buy something, accidentally destroy it, and regret it? This is a copy of a mug I bought on sale and was surprised by--the shadow puppets turn into hands when you add hot water, which absolutely delighted me. Unfortunately, I got pretty lax about putting it in the dishwasher, and the OG is starting to fade out. I regretted that...until today! Into storage for the grandkids with you!
4) Discount Hamilton
Shit dude, it's the man with the singing about the old dudes! I am a Broadway nerd, and I gave a pass on the mug at $20 ($30?) on tour, so 99 cents is quite a bargain! That's ninety-nine Lincolns! Lol! Please lol I counted the pennies out individually and the teller didn't laugh once even though I told the joke 99 times!
5)
This mug. This mug holds the elevator door for senior citizens so it can open it between flights and shove them down the shaft. This mug rolls homeless veterans for bus money and walks home. This mug stands outside of pain clinics putting cigarettes out on dogs. This mug holds no good will. This mug is in Hell's gift shop. This mug told Tiny Tim to git gud. This mug unsaved Christmas.
6) Comic Strip Crush Wig
Comic Strip Crush Wig
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