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Welcome to the Universe (Jammy) - The Final Chapter: “The end of the beginning”

We hope this piece gives a little deserved closure to our beloved Jammy and where they are now. Sammy has a few surprises in store, familiar faces and old friends paying a visit! Thanks for reading and all the support. x T&C

**Welcome to the Universe

Epilogue: “The end of the beginning”**

“Dear Diary, where to begin? 10 years ago I was given the unique opportunity to work with a talented band and travel the world. How can I put into words all the experiences and emotions I've gathered through the years? I've started this journey with you all on April 9th 2010 when I was 25 years old, I was engaged at the time, with a long-term vision of the life path I was supposed to follow. Until a certain rock band crossed my path and, changed my entire life for the better.

During my life on the road I love meeting up with each and every one of you. I was embraced right from the start, welcomed straight into the warm yet crazy dysfunctional family also known as The Echelon. I'm forever grateful for all you have done for me and how you entrust me with your stories, now it’s our time to give you a rare insight in ours. It’s been a while since our last interaction, and a lot has happened. Life is not what you expect, it’s made up of the most unexpected twists and turns.

April, 2011 Cussing underneath my breath I slam through the doors leading into the venue’s foyer, crowded with fans still buzzing on their concert high. Hitting speed dial again I bring my phone to my ear while making my way across the venue. Rounding the corner I smack into a fan at high speed, making us both bounce back. Picking up her bag, her piercing blue eyes meet mine, midnight black hair pulled back into a pony tail “oh god, I’m so sorry” I exclaim “It’s okay” she assures me with a smile. “Nice tattoo!” I say pointing out the Mithra tattoo on her upper left arm, peeking from underneath her slipped cardigan. “Thanks” a cramped smile forms her plum tinted lips while shrugging her cardigan back on her shoulders. Continuing my sprint I can’t help but ponder she looks familiar. “I’m sorry I’m late” I gush out of breath breaking through the doors finally reaching their dressing room. Shannon throws a bottle of water my way which I eagerly accept and take a big gulp. “Can’t believe you haven’t broken an ankle wearing those killer heels around the arena.” Tomo laughs. Tugging the hem of my shirt dress I fake a bow. “We need to get to the meet and Greet” I point out matter of factly “You’re actually late” Jared eyes me as it trails from my lips “Isn’t that going to be your fault?” Pulling up a brow I hurl the water bottle back at Shannon who’s started laughing at the remark. Throwing me a kissy face Jared passes me with a slap on the ass. “Instead of throwing a fit, we should go, we don’t want to be even more late.” “Oh you-” slapping him across the back I roll my eyes and lead them to the meet and greet lodge. Luckily the fans were still all excited to meet the guys despite the delay. Shannon instantly turned into a goof spreading himself out on the floor while Jared started telling tales. Since time was cut shorter they quickly start their picture moment. I smile noticing the little boy that caught one of Shannon’s drumsticks. “Oh seems like you’re taking home a treasure from this gig” blushing he nods his head “Can I take a picture of you holding it out in victory?” glancing up in excitement he seeks approval of his father. “Sure” the young man squeezes the kids shoulder and I quickly snap his picture as it soon is his turn to have his picture taken with the guys. Obviously Shannon notices he’s caught one of his sticks and picks the boy up planting him up on his shoulders striking a triumph pose. I laugh at the display and shake my head. Jared high fives the boy and watches as he jolts to his father beaming with joy. As his eyes cross those of his father I notice Jared tense up, looking startled. His gaze wonders to Shannon next to him, who’s busy admiring a trinity skull seal tattoo on a girl’s neck. It takes a split second and he composes himself quickly. When the meet and greet is over Jared slips from the room immediately “Jared” I walk after him but he keeps on walking “Hey” grabbing his arm he stops and looks at me “What is going on? Earlier you looked like you’d seen a ghost?” wiping his brow he sighs deeply “I’m sorry Sammy, I’ve got some unfinished business I need to attend, I won’t be long.” Sucking my lower lip between his he kisses me short but deeply. “be back soon.” And without further explanation he marches off. Deciding to skip the party for one of the crew’s birthday I head to the busses and start my draft for tonight’s entry for the tour diary. “I can’t believe you kept this from me. From us.” Jared’s voice is tense as I hear the bus door open. I hear him fling his phone across the bus and hiss a curse. “Jared?” startled he turns around, obviously not having expected someone to be on the bus. “Is everything alright?” I arch a brow as he pulls me close. A deep groan escaping his lips. Lacing my arms around his waist he captures my lips in a wet and greedy kiss. "yes, knowing we’re alone on this bus, everything seems perfect" he grins, extracting a soft giggle from my lips as his hands slip underneath my oversized shirt dress cupping and squeezes my ass. Tangling his fingers through my messy locks I chuckle resting my hands on his damp chest. Scrunching his nose his fingers start unbuttoning the shirt to cup my boobs firmly while stealing a kiss. “Let’s take advantage of this alone time" smacking my ass once more he pulls away and hurls me over his shoulder stalking me upstairs.

I nervously twirl my lanyard between my fingers making Shannon laugh while I walk off the stage. “Such a fangirl” he nudges my arm with a grin as I just announced ‘Best Female’ at the MTV Video music awards. “I think I’m gonna be sick” I mumble turning around holding my hand against my mouth as I dry heave “You’re adorable, shouldn’t have had those dumplings before the show!” he laughs handing me his water bottle for a sip. As the next performer is announced we head to the side of the stage. “I’m very curious about this act, apparently there’s a mystery guest.” Shannon comes to stand next to me crossing his arms and huffs “Eminem is legendary, he doesn’t need a guest.” he says as the light dims and the venue goes dark. A white beam illuminates a piano, sat at it a busty blonde wearing a sparkling silver and black leather bodysuit with plunging neckline, fishnet stockings and leather knee-high stilettos. * ‘On the first page of our story, the future seemed so bright. Then this thing turned out so evil - I don't know why I'm still surprised’ Finishing the first verse she pauses for a minute ‘Even angels have their wicked schemes, And you take that to new extremes. But you'll always be my hero, even though you've lost your mind.” Whipping her blonde locks from her face she gets up from the piano and walks across the stage. It is then that I recognize her tattoo’s, more precisely the Mithra one on her upper arm. “hey I think she was at a gig” I mumble enthusiastic turning to Shannon who’s gone pale observing the scene in front of him. * “Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, well that's alright because I like the way it hurts” “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me” Shannon curses under a breath. “Did you know about this!?” he asks with a fixed stare. “Know what?” I ask confused pulling my vibrating phone from my pocket, taking note of Jared’s name and answer it backing away to a quieter spot while the song erupts as Eminem joins her on stage. * ‘Hush baby, speak softly, tell me I'll be sorry. - That you pushed me into the coffee table last night,So I can push you off me - Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me’ “Is Shannon with you?” his voice is tense and edged “Yes, why?” as the song peaks its finale and the arena falls dark. Shannon stalks over to me and without any explanation yanks my all access badge from the back pocket of my blazer dress “What the fuck Shannon” I sneer at him grasping hold of his arm but he shrugs out of my grip. “Sammy. Don’t.” he hisses, eyes blazing like I’ve never seen them before. Ending my call to Jared without explanation I run a hand through my hair and stalk after Shannon through the catacombs of the venue. Finding him stood in front of a backstage dressing room he looks lost, hurt and most of all confused. Drawing in a deep breath I compose myself, steadying myself with the palm of my hand against the door and hold my finger out at Shannon who turns to me. After a few seconds and without granting him a word I slap him hard across the cheek, yanking my lanyard from his hand. “Shannon what the fuck.” I demand an explanation. Right in that moment the door opens and a young guy stares me right in the face, the look in his eyes reading like a deer caught in headlights as his eyes fall upon Shannon. I remember him, long blonde locks tousled into a messy man bun, two impressive full sleeves across his muscled arms. He was at the meet and greet a few weeks back. Behind him the girl that just took the stage sat on the couch, holding her head in her hands. “Kristie.” Shannon breathes, his voice broken. Her head shoots up hearing her name, teary eyes connecting with his. Pulling the blonde wig from her head she reveals her dark locks. The young guy places his palm against Shannon’s chest “Can we talk for a minute?” Shannon huffs eying him, not impressed as he pushes past him. Kristie sighs “Alec, it’s okay.” I stumble a little to the left as an energetic boy runs past me towards her. “Mommy don’t cry, you were amazing!” Jumping onto her lap the boy smothers her with kisses and wipes her tears. She smiles and runs her hand through his hair “Oh my number one fan!” Planting a kiss on his lips she motions Alec who in responds takes the little boy’s hand and moves outside to watch the live feed. “You fucking ghosted me Kristie” Shannon walks over to her looking defeated “I know- i’m sorry” she sighs deeply standing up, a painful look on her face “Sorry!? Thats all you’ve got to say?” grabbing her arm firmly he shakes her and pushes her against the wall “SHANNON.” I bark at him marching over and push him off her. I never encountered this side of him before and to be honest, it scared me a little. She sighs deeply burying her face in her hands “What did you expect Shannon?” her voice is but a whisper as she wipes her tears and sits down on the couch. “The night we had our fight, I hated you, I hated myself, I… I was ready to take my own life.” She takes a gulp from her bottle of water. Shannon sighs, uncomfortably fidgeting his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “Kristie I regret every word I said that night. I...” he shakes his head. She looks up, regret touching her eyes as they meet his. “This thing we had, it was unhealthy, it was violent, abusive, sex-driven...”she falls silent and a soft laugh escapes her lips as she rolls her eyes “We fucking loved it, shit , there’s even proof of that.” My eyes grow wide as realization sinks in, the kinky tape. It’s her. “Shannon, I don’t regret us… I regret what we became..” She shakes her head softly, her eyes closed and exhales a breath “But I don’t regret the decision I made after recovering from the overdose” nervously she rubs the palms of her hands together and rethinks her words. “Our beautiful mistake, my biggest blessing” her eyes wonder up to find the little boy roaming the halls. It takes a split second for Shannon to register her confession as he goes pale. Jared bursts through the door, eyes scanning the situation in the room, a breath leaving his lips as his eyes land upon Kristie. Shannon looks broken and defeated and silence falls upon the room “You told me she lost the baby” he hisses at Jared. “I needed a stable and safe environment, not only for my sake but most importantly my child’s sake.” “Kristina why did you cut us out of your life, we could have h-” Jared asks but she interupts him “I’m not proud of my lies.” She shakes her head while Shannon paces around “I loved you Shannon. I still do…” Getting up from the couch she walks over to him, touching his shoulder “I’m sorry” A flash of anger washes over his face as he turns to face her. His composure tells me he’s doing all he can to hold himself together. “So why now then, after all those years? He’s five. You need a famous daddy to milk?” A sour smile touches her lips as she pops several pills to her lips and swallows them with a gulp. Crossing his arms Shannon cocks his head unapprovingly “I want to learn from my mistakes. I know we’ve both changed...” “And you’re forgetting to mention you’re sick.” Jared crosses his arms. “Ah yes, demons from my past have come to haunt me. I’m enjoying my little fucked up party for as long as I still can” She falls silent and shrug “I’ve got no one but myself to blame for this mess.” “Fuck Kris.” Shannon swallows hard “You should have told me sooner” She tilts her head tucking a strand of hair behind her ear “I know. Can we- can we start over? Learn from our mistakes? For our son’s sake? I know I’m asking a-lot and this is overwhelming... But he’s been asking questions about his father lately..” Shannon swallows hard as she touches his arm “Please, I’m not expecting nor demanding you to take up your responsibilities as a father. I just want him to get to know you.” cupping his cheek Kristie presses her lips soft yet passionate against his. Shannon gazes into her eyes with tears of his own and whispers an apology brushing his finger along her lower lip before pulling her in a tight embrace. “I’m sorry things when the way they did” he whispers and swallows hard as Alec walks in with the boy. Placing her finger on his lip she silences him. “Let’s look at the future now, the past is behind us. Let’s make better mistakes from now on.” He nods and she motions towards the boy. “Shannon, this is Ryder.” It is then that I match the little puzzle in my head. Alec and Ryder were at the meet and greet, Shannon had already met his son without even realizing it.

There are two sides to every story and you need to hear both to know all the facts. We may not always agree or like what we discover. Some secrets are deep and sometimes they are filled with regret. Shannon’s relationship with Kara had to endure a few storms dealing with the revelation of his son and rekindling his relationship with Kristie on and off tour. He wanted to make up for his mistakes and rebuild the lost trust and their friendship, for the sake of their son. He voluntary filed a declaration of Paternity taking up his parental responsibilities. Kristie had started working an album independently, filled with powerful, painfully honest songs about toxic relationships, battling addiction, accepting herself and her demons. One night when Shannon invited Kristie over to talk about collaborating on one of her songs their passion reignited, triggering suppressed emotions, seeking solace, coping with intense grief over past and future. Their intimacy was intense, raw and emotional. They didnt regret their actions that night, but they agreed it would be the last time, focusing on a healthy, stable and amicable partnership in raising their son. His relationship with Kara crumbled under the pressure as she already battled her way through her own insecurities dealing with Kristie and Ryder.

When dating a 'celebrity', you never choose the public opinion that comes with it, and you’re never ready for it either. ‘Real love doesn't meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess.’, that quote sadly hits close to home. Jared guided me through my mess, my own battles. ‘Pain shapes a woman into a warrior' the quote traces my spine. Jared has never been a celebrity to me, I never had heard of Thirty seconds to mars nor him, till the day I signed on for the tour diary. I never intended to fall for the celebrity lead singer/actor. Working together 24/7 we established a friendship, that eventually blossomed and we developed a greater depth of love. It stands for the terror I went through experiencing domestic abuse, sexual assault and stalking by the man I once loved. It reminds me of my fight for the truth, my fight for freedom and my fight for survival that nearly killed me and my unborn child.

May 8th, 2011 Intense lightning wakes me early in the morning, the sound of thunder growling and rain drizzling down the window breaks the silence of the night. It's 5 am. Reaching for my cellphone it buzzes in the palm of my hand "hey stranger" I smile at the screen. "good morning Samantha" Jared smiles "did I wake you?" I shake my head adjusting my pillow as I sit upright. "GOOD MORNING SAMMY!" the screen shakes and a very chipper Shannon appears on screen. "morning Shan" I chuckle adjusting my Cami top and pull the sheets a little higher. "even this early in the morning you look beautiful" he exclaims "oh you charmer" I chuckle rolling my eyes. "shan-give... Ugh.. Shan" I gaze at the screen amused as both brothers fight for the phone. "as much as I love facetiming with you both, I'm getting nauseas watching this." getting up from the bed I put on my robe and head downstairs into the kitchen. As a flash of lightening illuminates the entire room startling me, I nearly drop the phone out of my hands, much to both brothers amusement. "oh you know how I hate these kind of storms" I glare at the screen. "repeat after me Sammy 'fuck you thunder you can suck my di-'." "can she not repeat that?" Jared mutters and I laugh "thunder buddies" I wink at Shannon. Making myself a nice steaming cup of cocoa, I softly blow the hot substance in the cup before taking a sip. "is that.. hot cocoa?" Shannon throws me a very judging look. "you bet it is!" I grin "Home-made, I may add. With Belgian chocolate." Shannon grunts deeply, an unimpressed look on his face. "how. could. you" I giggle licking my lips after another sip. "mmm, so, soo good." "alright enough with the cocoa sex, Shannon can I talk to Samantha?" Jared snatches the phone from his brother. "hello again" I smile "can't wait to be home in a few hours" Jared smiles. "I hope your flight doesn't get cancelled" I sigh admiring the storm through the kitchen window. Jared shrugs "at the moment we're delayed for about an hour. I'll keep you updated." the video call lags and I sigh waiting for the video to stabilize. "So how's my girl doing?" "starting to regret that hot chocola-" a wave of nausea washes over me and I drop my phone on the counter, making a sprint for the bathroom. Dropping to my knees I heave above the toilet, pulling my hair back in a messy tail. Rinsing my mouth with mouthwash I pick my phone back up. The video lags as Jared puts his stuff in the trunk of their cab and ask me if I'm okay, wandering from the group. "Morning sickness" I smile annoyed. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and finally developing the cutest small bump. We've been able to keep it a secret, only Emma knows since I confided in her asking to buy me a test after the VMA’s, since I was too scared to get one myself. I eventually took the test a day after when we arrived in Chicago surprising Jared at the hotel with the news, having my test and a litte “hello daddy” romper placed on his pillow. I haven't joined the guys on tour for the past 3 weeks due to extreme morning sickness, they think I had the flu. Today is the big revelation, I'm picking Jared up at the airport when they return from Canada wearing a grey curve hugging dress emphasizing my small bump. He has only seen my early pregnancy bloat evolving to a bump in pictures. Today is the first time he's actually going to admire our little bump. It's not only a surprise to him, but the rest of the crew and Shannon are still unaware of the pregnancy. This afternoon my mom and Constance are coming over for lunch and we're going to surprise them with the pregnancy news! The storm passes quickly and while rain still trickles down, rays of sunshine seep through the clouds. Planning on leaving home an hour before his estimated arrival, to avoid Los Angeles' famous morning traffic jams, I'm in a hurry to find my keys. Cursing underneath my breath I sigh deeply checking the pockets of my leather jacket with no luck. "Damn pregnancy brain. Think Sammy, think." I check my purse a third time before throwing it on the table. "fuck." There's a soft knock on the door jamb behind me and I spin around in shock "oh no, did I get the time wrong, Jared I'm so-" my breath hitches in my throat as my eyes lock with his "You." I swallow hard. "Hello Samantha." my eyes catch glimpse of the silver keys dangling from his index finger, my keys. I swallow hard "how-how did you get.." "Love is a scary thing babe" tucking the keys into his pocket he strides over and I back up. "Caleb , I need you to leave." I plead. He smirks softly "Did you like all the gifts I sent you?" I stare at him in shock when the penny drops and all the flowers and fucked up gifts are from him. "I'm calling the cops." I warn him, fingers rummaging my purse but I'm unable to trace my phone. "no you won't." he states pulling my phone from his other pocket. In that moment fear and panic wash over me, paralyzing me as within a few strides he's right in front of me, his hand tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "I miss you" he calmly breathes, hand tracing my curves. Suddenly he tugs at my leather jacket, a deadly glare peering into my eyes. It happens in the blink of an eye but before I can register it I've slapped him hard across the face, it takes him off guard stumbling back, phone falling from his hand. Before I have time to respond and grab my phone or my alarm button his hand violently slip around my throat while he backs me up against the wall, eyes blazing with rage. "a fucking baby?" His grip on my throat tightening. I gasp, digging my nails into his hand and arm trying to get him to ease pressure. “In our 5 years you never felt ready, and with him it takes you less than a year?” he breathes angrily in my face, angry tears in his eyes "Today is the price you pay for having such a good life" his voice is short, clipped and cold. Feeling dizziness set in I scratch my nails across his face to which he releases me. I fall to my knees and cough deeply trying to catch my breath. I want to run, to hide but he's too fast. As I want to grab my phone from the floor he grabs me violently by my hair and I scream loudly. "If I can't have you, nobody will" he spits flinging me to the other side of the room, crashing into the glass table, shattering it on impact. I feel numb, pain surging my entire body. He kneels next to me and brushes my bloodied cheek. "why do you make me do this. This is all your fault Sam." He rubs his temple frustrated. Tears escape my eyes as the person in front of me is a ghost of the man I used to date. "you once promised to keep me safe-" my voice trembles as I speak "And then you decided to fuck Jared Leto" he hisses hunched over me while grabbing my belly. Protecting my baby I backhand him in the face while kicking him in the nuts and spot my phone. "you cheated on me first, shit head" I crawl over as fast as I can, crying out in pain. Trembling and with blood stained hands I grab my phone. "put it down" he barks angrily. Pressing and holding the side button along with the Volume button I activate my SOS setting. The next few seconds pass by in a blur. I'm fighting him off, kicking and screaming until he has me pinned against the couch, my arm twisted behind me, tearing the phone from my grip. "I told you not to" he yanks my head back, gripping my hair and in that moment, I felt trapped, vulnerable and so hopelessly lost. "HELP ME" I kick and scream, hoping the emergency call was activated. "FUCK!" Caleb screams out tossing the phone away "why do you always make things so complicated babe? Why!?" he frantically rubs his face backing up. Afraid to move I slowly press myself up, ribs feeling sore. "I.. I'm sorry" I apologize, slowly crawling away from him. "please, Cabe, I'm sorry" I whisper pulling myself up with the help of a chair. His eyes lock with mine, tears staining them. "Lies!" he cries "LIES." my heart sinks and I freeze on the spot as I register the gun targeted at me. "Don't do this Cabe" I whisper in a plea. "If I can't have you, nobody can." he yells again, a tear falling from his face. "you're mine. You belong to ME." blue and red flashing lights illuminate the room, police sirens filling up the background. "it's over" I whisper "it sure is. I love you Sammy, im so sorry" his voice is soft, his intense yet soul-less stare sends chills down my spine. And then the penetrating sound of a gun being fired echoes the room, my ears ringing, the sound of glass shattering. Caleb collapses on the floor in front of me as police officers storm into the room. It is then that I feel the sharp sting in my abdomen. Looking down, blood stains my dress, trickling down my leg. Caleb had pulled the trigger, he shot me right in my stomach. Cradling my belly I sink to the floor and pass out in shock. Jared received an emergency text upon his arrival at LAX, he immediately knew something was wrong when I didn't respond to his or Shannon's calls. He arrived home, at the horrific scene when they rushed me out on the stretcher, a paramedic straddling me while performing chest compressions. My body limp, pale and covered in blood, face bruised and cut with marks around my neck where he tried strangling me.

Shreds to some of the darkest periods of my life I've unwillingly lived publicly. Paparazzi are vicious, they'll hound you around invading and violating your privacy until the very last drop of juicy information is shared. Media loves dramatizing, But sadly, a picture doesn't show the entire story and is easily manipulated into telling something different. It's an ugly world, one I decided I wanted to take control over.

Caleb was shot into the chest, 7 days post-op he presented signs of a stroke, leaving him in a vegetative state. My healing started the moment they turned off life support, his life support. I got to witness the ventilator being turned off and removal of his breathing tube. In that moment I experienced conflicting emotions, liberating relief but also sadness. It felt wrong to grieve someone that caused me so much pain, his death gave me closure, but I refused to forgive him. I'd been to hell and back and my road to recovery was long, I had to be strong and find myself again while navigating a high-risk pregnancy, yes our miracle baby survived the trauma.

At 34 weeks, unexpectedly early, a beautiful baby girl made her appearance into this world. Our little miracle was small and fragile, weighing in at 2.250kg and 43cm.

October, 2011 Shannon looks up from his computer in shock, his face going pale as I enter the studio. "Oh God, what happened," he breathes pulling the headphones from his head and strides over to where I'm standing, my pajama pants covered in blood. In a heartbeat he is in front of me, holding onto my trembling hands. Cupping my face he calms me "breathe Sammy, breathe." his voice is soft as he looks me straight in the eyes "hey, look at me. You're both going to be okay." I felt like I was going to throw up, falling from one emotion into another. Earlier Jared and I finished up a maternity shoot shot by Shannon. My first pregnancy should have been easy, but since the attack I had been terrified of complications, Caleb robbed me from enjoying the miracle of bringing life into this world. "We're going to the hospital right now" his voice edged with determination. "But your busy with Kristie’s al-” “Sammy don’t you start” Flipping his phone to his ear he ushers me up the stairs and to the garage. “I don't even have my bag." I stumble my words as he pulls the door open and sits me down. “This can't be happening" I close my eyes caressing my bump feeling some sort of tightening cramps.

Arriving at the hospital they immediately take me for an exam and place a heart rate monitor on my belly. "Hang in there little peanut" I whisper to my bump and close my eyes praying. Feeling a hand atop of mine I open my eyes exchanging a glance with Jared. Even though he looked calm, I read panic in his eyes. "I'm here." Things happened so fast from that point on. We were totally unprepared to give birth this early. The baby was in distress, the exam showing a placental abruption and they took me straight in prepping me for an emergency C-section. Lots of people swarmed the OR. It felt like I was trapped in a chaotic nightmare. "It's going to be okay" Jared’s lips brush my temple and wipes away the tear that escapes my eyes. He's sat next to me in yellow scrubs, calm through it all , my rock. I was scared and nervous, this pregnancy has been all but a dream. "I'm sorry" I whisper apologetic "what for?" "not being able to keep this baby safe" he caresses my cheek and shakes his head "I'm so proud of you. You're such a strong woman, you’re such a great mother". Light cries fill the room and I sob in relief hearing our baby crying for the first time. "It's a girl!" after a few long minutes we finally get to meet her briefly, before she's taken up to NICU, as she is placed on my upper chest, swaddled in a blanket. My entire heart fills with love as I admire our little girl. Jared gazes lovingly at us "welcome to the world, Willa"

Becoming parents was extraordinary. Watching Jared settle into his new role as a daddy, his priorities changed so much more than I expected. The first weeks were challenging as we divided our time between visiting our premature girl at the hospital and our new home in Malibu. Jared's Studio City home held too many unwanted memories, too much negative energy, so we relocated to a gated family orientated community in Malibu, leaving the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles behind us. The moment we got to bring our baby girl home, our wonderful journey started and brought Jared and I even closer together. We introduced her to her extended family at the Vyrt streaming of the 300th show touring ‘This is War’. We settled into a 'normal' life the upcoming years as the band took a break from touring. Shannon took time to focus on his son and even made several guest appearances on Kristie’s ‘Dancing with the Devil’ tour.

The celebrity lifestyle, partying and fame, we traded for a modest family life, trying to get as close to ‘normal’ as possible. I put my on-screen work with MTV on hold indefinitely and decided to work more behind the scenes. Time out from the spotlight was liberating, focusing just on our little family. Jared dedicated time to his other career, acting, he filmed a new movie, introducing me to my new girlfriend Rayon. It was quite a shock at first, to be honest I didn’t even recognize him when he had walked into the house wearing a floral dress, blonde wig, false lashes and fuchsia lipstick. It took me a while to get used to the fact she also borrowed some of my dresses and panty hoses. As much as I came to like her, I was glad her appearance was limited.

After the 2 year gap since we last took the road, juggling between life on the road, family and promotions for his movie, our fairly stable life got turned upside down. Kristie’s condition took a turn for the worse and Shannon spend more time with Alec and Kristie in Hospice care, promising he’d never abandon his son. Ryder became the most important person in his life. A few months later I took on another edition of the tour diary as the band lined up a new tour for their brand new album.

January, 2014 A small golden globes pré party was held at our house. Jared had transformed our patio in a private backyard cinema with an outdoor projector. My mother, Constance , Shannon and Kara, Emma and the kids would be watching the show from home. Tucking some strands of my hair back in my dramatic, voluminous pony I glance in the mirror and smile approvingly, touching up my bold burgundy lips. And winged eyeliner. "woaaaaaaah" an enthusiastic Willa sprints down the corridor, coming to an abrupt stop at the sight of me, her eyes big with wonder and mouth open wide. I giggle twirling around making my dress fly up "does mommy look pretty?" her eyes squint shut as she breaks out in a big smile. I laugh squatting down in front of her and tap her protruding belly "shall I take that as a yes?" nodding her head fervently she leans in for a hug "mommy you're so pretty!" kissing the top of her head I stand up straight "let's go find your daddy!" turning around her giggles bounce off the walls as her little feet run down the hall towards the patio. "here's my little princes!" Jared picks up his daughter and twirls her around extracting even more giggles as he tickles her belly. "Am I dressed okay for the occasion?" His gaze lingers on me as I step outside, an elegant long white fit and flare dress hugged my curves, with an off the shoulder neckline and billowing sleeves in organza material. Mesmerized Jared takes me in "A classical beauty" he muses and leans in for a kiss "you're handsome yourself too" I whisper capturing his lips much to Willa’s dismay who pushes me back "yuk" both me and Jared burst out laughing. "oh Samantha" my mother gushes, tears staining her eyes "you look absolutely stunning" I twirl around again and huff in doubt "really? Isn't this too much?" biting my lip I meet Jared's, his brow pulled up in ponder "Samantha you look amazing" he speaks assuring "picture time!" Constance exclaims making me laugh as both mothers are pulling out their mobile phone. "thank god we've got the good camera here too" Jared mutters under a breath motioning at Myke, who's following Jared around the entire day before and after the Golden Globes for 'A day in the life of'. After our short photoshoot it's time for us to head out to the red carpet, but before all the celebrity glamour we experienced some family drama as Willa did not want mommy and daddy to leave throwing a dramatical tantrum. Jared, being the slick negotiator he is, managed to keep a second round of tears and screams at bay. A soft sigh escapes my lips and Jared squeezes my knee softly. "ah the terrible two's, I'm sure she's all forgotten about it already" his blue eyes look at me in a comforting way "she was already playing hide and seek with Shannon and Ryder when you made your way towards the car. " placing my hand atop his I nod softly. Nearing the venue I feel butterflies flutter my stomach. I felt nervous, it had been a while since I graced a red carpet alongside him. "ready for the madness?" Jared's lips grace my temple "thanks for joining me tonight." I turn to meet his loving gaze and nudge him softy "always, I'm so proud of you. You're already my winner" I wink and he laughs deeply "that's all I'll ever need, what am I even doing here?" opening the door for me he extents his hand and I take it. I had forgotten about the buzz on the red carpet and to be honest I had missed the glamour, it felt good to be back. Jared and I posed infront of the photographers but the atmosphere was different around us, he was much more relaxed and affectionate than he had ever been. I caught him fixing the train of my dress so it looked good on pictures, he lovingly embraced me and stole kisses, I even noticed he had stopped posing for pictures and was admiring me from afar, snapping a personal picture with his iPhone. The night passed by quickly and soon enough the announcements were made for the category he was nominated in. Placing my left hand atop his I lace our fingers and squeeze it softly. All air leaves my lungs as his name gets called. Standing up I cup his face and kiss him lovingly "I'm so proud of you".

You don’t always need a plan, sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go and see what happens… And that’s exactly what happened on our special day in 2015. After a very busy and rewarding award and touring season, Jared whisked me away for a romantic getaway at Glen Oaks Big Sur, staying in a secluded cabin tucked away in a redwood grove near a river.

Outstretching my arms above my head I tangle my fingers into Jared’s hair as he leans down for a kiss. “Are you enjoying your bath?” “Very much so, so relaxing after that long hike” I nod approvingly slipping lower into the claw foot bath tub on our secluded porch. “Emma send me a mail regarding some hotel issues for Europe-" “Ugh say no more, be gone” I sigh splashing some water his way making him laugh “I’ll be back in time for dinner” “Oh you better” I mutter closing my eyes relaxing and enjoying the silence. After my bath I head back inside our cabin and find a box and a card on the bed. Closing my robe I sit down and pick up the envelope, Jared’s handwriting addressing me. ‘I love you, will you marry me?’ holding up the card between my fingers I eye it confused. A proposal? But he proposed to me 4 years ago in Paris? “Tonight?” his soft deep voice breaks the silence in the cabin and it startles me slightly. “Jared what- what is this?” he’s stood leaning, admiring me, from afar, his tender blue eyes locking with mine. Pulling his hands from his pockets he pushes off from the wall and walks over to me, kneeling down on one knee. “Jared what are you doing” I roll my eyes mockingly as he shushes me with a finger against the lips. “The past years have been very eventful.. our baby girl, movies, gigs, all the awards... I- I don’t want to waste any more time trying to find an ideal moment away from the madness.” He shakes his head and tilts my chin, thumb grazing my cheek lovingly “The biggest win in my life is having captured your heart, you are my most valued prize. No award can ever compare. Marry me, here, tonight.” I swallow hard trying to find my breath again “I- Yes” A loving smile curls his lips while he leans in and kisses me passionately. “But I… I don’t have a dress, shoes,.. what about-”with a quick peck on the lips he silences me again “Open the box” fumbling with the box my fingers tear of the lid finding the perfect pair of strass crystal embellished Christian Louboutin pumps ‘It was and always will be you’ engraved on the red sole along with today’s date. I sigh his name admiring the pumps a hint of doubt to detect in my voice. “I know you’ve always dreamt of a big ceremony with the entire family and I promise you, we’ll still do one. I promise.” Taking my hand he leads me to the bathroom, there on a hanger is the most stunning dress I have ever laid eyes on. Sparkly and sexy, consisting of white sequin embellished tulle with full skirt, plunging V-neck and low-cut back with fitted sequin tulle sleeves. Grazing my fingers along the tulle I stare at him in shock. Jared grins “Willa picked it out, I guess it must have been the sparkles. But I did agree on it being a marvelous dress” “You took her to a bridal Boutique?” I smack my lips and chuckle at the thought. “Yes, she has an eye for design of fashion, guess she has that from his mother” Jared winks making me break out in a laugh. “Yes, I do hope she doesn’t inherent your sense in style.” Mimicking a hurt expression Jared embraces me close to him and brushes a strand of hair from my face. “So, shall we get married?” he beams “Let’s do this.” My heart skips a beat as I take in my reflection in the mirror. The all over sparkling sheer fabric looks luxurious yet elegant against my tan bodysuit, Jared customized pumps matching perfectly with the gown. My hair is kept loose in subtle curls along with subtle makeup. Exiting the cabin and walking down the steps I call out his name. Jared turning as I do so and as his eyes land on me while tucking his phone into his pocket, he pauses, struck in awe. Soaking me all in, he’s overcome by raw emotion fighting back his tears as they fill up his eyes. Jared looked sharp in his all black tuxedo, hair tuck in a sleek man bun. Exhaling a deep breath he regains his composure “wow” is all he can bring out. Taking my hand in his slightly shaking one, he pushes me backwards a little looking me up and down and then twirls me around. Capturing his cheek with the palm of my hand I rest my forehead against his. He was nervous, and for him, that was rare. “I keep falling in love with you, over and over, each day.” His voice is pure, a soft tremble “when everything is falling apart, you’ll fuel me to keep going on, the best part of me is you. You became the mother of my children and now you’re about to become my wife. I will always stand by your side with unconditional love” I could tell his nerves eased away as I captured his lips with mine in a sweet caress, his tongue sweeps between my lips indulging into a long emotional heartfelt kiss. His hands resting at the small of my back inching me closer to him. Breathless I break from his hold, wiping some smudged lipstick from his lips. It is then that I notice a young brunette and tall guy capturing every moment of our first look with professional camera’s. Clearing my throat I run a hand through my hair “You’re in luck this didn’t turn into an R-rated version” Bursting into a chuckle they introduce themselves as our photographer and videographer for the evening. “I want to capture every single magical moment celebrating our love.” Jared says lacing his fingers with mine. Since then sun was nearly setting Tricia and Rob advice to go for pictures first at the cliffs of big sur. Standing in Jared’s embrace along the rocky coastline, the setting sun reflecting off the beads of my dress and a romantic fog rolling in over the ocean, it feels surreal, as if I’m moving in a dream. I could not feel more beautiful and more happy as in this moment.

With the last of the fading sun through the foggy redwood forest we arrive at the hotel and I shiver when the cool evening breeze hits my skin. Reaching out Jared drapes a fluffy fake fur wrap shawl around me. I halting letting my fingers roam the fur collar “This… this is my mother’s?” there is a hint of mischief and mystery to the grin forming his lips as he leads me down the path of the enchanted looking forest. We reach an outdoor deck with heathers, decorated with a hundred twinkling fairy lights, blush and white baby’s breath and pampas grass and a long formally set table. "Surprise!" startled I turn around to meet my mother, Constance, Shannon & Ryder, Tomo & Vicki, Tim, Gisella & Andrea, Dean, Mason, Kara, Myke & Kellen and Emma holding Willa standing at the end of the deck. I glance at Jared, whom lovingly brushes an escaped tear from my cheek. "I've had this all planned out, you wouldn't honestly think I'd have us married without the most important people near?" Shannon stalks over and spins me around making the sequin tulle skirt fly up "Sammy you are looking mighty fine". "Hello there, sexy momma" Tim laughs and I slap his chest. "Oh Timmeh, I missed you!" pulling me close he kisses my temple “Gis!” I shriek flinging my arms around her “I can’t believe you’re here! YOU KEPT THIS A SECRET FROM ME!?” laughing through her tears she glances at Jared “He’s the mastermind behind all of this!” caressing her belly I glance at Andrea “You’re going to have your hands full when this little one arrives” he grins and kisses Gisella’s temple “I’m coming back home” she pipes. “You’re moving back to Los Angeles?” I stare at her in shock, a second stream of tears filling up my eyes. “Yes!” she exclaims. Drying my tears I crouch down as Willa stalks over to me wearing a bright pink dress, princess crown in her curly locks. “you look so pretty” pulling her into a hug I kiss her and run my hands through her curls “Thank you for picking my dress, I love it” she smiles widely “mommy you’re a real princess!” Jared's hand lands in the small of my back as he crouches down next to me and kisses my temple and taps Willa’s nose “This Prince wants to marry his Princess.” He smiles with a wink and turns to me “Lets get hitched?" he asks me "Finally” I giggle capturing his lips and brush a tear from my mom's cheek while passing her.

It's been one hell of a journey the past decade. I've been hurt in monumental ways and made major life decisions. At 35 I don't regret any decision I've made in the past, I wouldn't trade this life for the world. I'm right where I want to be, where I need to be. I've transformed from a broken, timid girl into a strong, confident woman. Happy and in Love. Until we meet again! Love and miss you all so much!!!

Xoxo Samantha”

---

I glance up from my laptop, a beautiful rich shade of magenta painting the sky, reflecting off the ocean as the sun sets. Running a hand through my soft curly blonde hair, I place my glasses in my hair and close my eyes breathing in the fresh air. Two arms slip around me pulling me into an embrace from behind, his lips warm against my temple. "Happy Marsiversary baby" he muses and I smile turning on my chair. "So you remember" I smile bringing my arms up to cup his face as he sits down next to me and leans in "oh Sammy" his brows arch up "would I ever forget the day this angel walked into my life 10 years ago? Never." his voice is soft and a soft smile tugs his lips. "forever grateful" he muses pressing his lips gentle against mine. I smile and caress his cheek “The kids in bed?” He nods "Still working are we?" Jared asks glancing at the laptop behind me. Chuckling I pat his knee "Some things never change." "What's the latest?" he asks nudging my shoulder and I smile "actually...-" I pause and take my laptop on my lap turning it to him "-I took a trip down memory lane... The latest blog post is... the final excerpt for the Tour Diary." Jared's brows arch up as his eyes scan the drafted blog post in front of him "it's...my…our, honest closure on the chapter" leaning back in my seat I take a sip of my glass of water and run a hand along his shoulder. "If that's okay with you" I reach out, brushing an escaped strand of hair that slipped from his messy man-bun behind his ear. His eyes lock with mine, a soft smile touching his lips. "Fans rarely get a glimpse in our private life, even after acknowledging our relationship all those years ago. We have always been very selective in the family moments we share online and during interviews...” he smiles, hands landing on my growing baby bump. In a few months our family would be complete, after a struggle to get pregnant again, suffering several miscarriages and going through a lengthy adoption process a few years back, we’d be a happy family of five soon. Chuckling slightly feeling a soft kick I place my hand atop his. Jared smiles “I’m ready to share part of it all.” placing the laptop next to him he ushers close to my belly planting a soft kiss “I can’t wait to meet you little Alexander.”

-The End-

(*) Lyrics taken from : Skylar Gray ft Eminem : Love the way you lie pt2 Visual credits to resp. owners

#Welcome to the universe #jammy #Jammy is back #mars fanfiction #dreamingdreamsnevermore #the end #fanfiction #SamanthaMorgan

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