#do not mistake this for me saying that it's ~okay~ to be wilfully ignorant about genocide or climate disaster

[lhazaar]

hey. i'm turning my chair around and sitting in it backwards now because i want to speak specifically to people with ocd. this is a targeted post and is not meant to apply to the userbase of this website at large or to serve as a policy decision.

hi. do you know what scrupulosity means? it is a strong, intense, often painful concern about morality or religion. it's very common for religious people with ocd, actually—the fear that you've sinned, that you will sin, that your thoughts themselves are sinful. you're afraid of being an evil person. every thought and feeling you have is scrutinized to exhaustion in case it's proof that you're evil. this also happens for non-religious people with ocd, it's just that ours will look different; it's often a preoccupation with social justice issues. you care a lot about being a good person, right! most people do. you want to be a good person, you want to be kind to others and to dismantle oppressive systems where you can. i'm making some assumptions here, but they're based on my specific audience base.

so, there's this thing that happens online, especially on tumblr and twitter—not because bluh bluh platforms bad, but because of the ways in which information is propagated on here. people used to tag for these posts sporadically but don't do so as much anymore. you know posts that exhort you, the reader, specifically, to take action? they tell you not to look away, not to bury your head in the sand. they tell you to give and to agitate and to donate time, money, resources.

those posts used to make me intensely, deeply anxious. i don't mean mild agitation, i mean life-ruining, day-occupying panic that seizes your entire body, and thoughts that don't leave your brain. guilt that paralzyes you because you, personally, cannot go kill the politicians responsible. you don't have enough money to do more than donate a few dollars, and sometimes you don't even have that. but because of where you live, because of the fact that you have internet access and you're literate enough to read these posts, you know that you have a level of privilege that most people never will. you're aware of that privilege because you're reasonably in-tune with social justice movements and you've probably spent some time dissecting your own privilege to examine your biases. (that's not a bad thing; i'm not here to condemn that. stay with me, if you can.)

there's a thing that can happen if you've lived with ocd like this for a long time where you become kind of incapable of telling what's addressed to you personally and what isn't. everything feels like a personal exhortation. you have trouble saying no, or knowing when you're overextended, because other people have it worse. how dare you enjoy relative comfort when people are being bombed or drowning in a climate change -induced flood or being crushed to death in a crowd panic. how dare you not be aware of it at all times, always, constantly. how dare you look away. don't look away.

i want to tell you about something i went through, if that's okay. a lot of people who follow me will already know this, but i haven't talked about this aspect of it very much publicly. in 2020, while visiting my partner in southern oregon, we had to evacuate from wildfires twice in under 24 hours. that was a really, really bad fire season, caused and perpetuated by a combination of global climate change and colonialization practices that destroyed traditional indigenous fire management strategies across the west coast of north america. fires stretched from bc to california. we wound up fleeing south, and then had to flee back north again, hemmed in on three sides. i flew back home to bc shortly afterwards, and i have this vivid, awful memory of seeing my home mountain range, the cascades, choked out with smoke from the window of an airplane. the woman in front of me sobbed the entire time until we touched down.

i remember thinking at that time that it was insane the entire world wasn't stopping. what i was experiencing was apocalyptic in scale—the fire we ran from the first time was part of a complex that chewed up entire towns. it wasn't the first fire season, nor the worst for the continent, nor the world. but all i could think in the moment was why aren't we doing anything, this is going to be all of us in a decade, why are people looking away.

if i had gone online and posted that, it would not have been morally wrong of me. there's no ascribing morality to a reaction like that. i mean, if i'd gone to someone who suffered in the years prior in australia or california and told them that ours was So Much Worse, that would have made me an asshole, but i didn't do that. i made some upset facebook posts targeted at the trump voters in my family, but i had no way to express at the time the sort of clawing panic of WHY AREN'T PEOPLE DOING ANYTHING??

the answer to that, which you probably know, is: what would they have done? we were sheltered by friends we evacuated with, but what power did a mutual in new york or wales or singapore have to affect a wildfire in oregon?

so, come back to the present day with me again, if you will. i said above that posts worded like this used to make me really, really anxious. in the span of time after the fire, i developed ptsd, and my ocd ruined my life. i took an extra year to graduate after i'd finished all my coursework because i could not send in the forms required. i was too busy spending 10-16 hours a day rearranging furniture in my room, or lying in bed, full-body tense, until it felt like my teeth would crack from the pressure. i'm medicated now. i'm grateful for it. i have more tolerance for these posts because i've been there. i know the op isn't doing anything wrong, because they're not wrong. why isn't the world stopping to look at a natural disaster, or a genocide? the world should not be like this.

you are not the world. you are someone with a brain that will torture you to death given the chance. you know how learning to reckon with your privileges, whatever they may be, requires you to not try and escape them? you need to be able to hold in your head that yes, you benefit from something that isn't fair; yes, other people should have that benefit, and that they don't is unjust. but you need to, for example, not try and weasel your way out of being white because you're uncomfortable with the guilt that it produces. you need to not go online and say well not ALL americans because you can't sit with the idea of being complicit in american imperialism. if you have ocd, you need to apply that to your own brain, too. you need to apply it to every post that you see. you need to know that people are not speaking directly to you, they are crying out in pain and fear. they are not doing anything wrong. they are scared and hurting.

they do not benefit from you taking on all the guilt of that fear and pain. i am not saying this to absolve you of the guilt. i am saying that you need to be able to exist with that level of guilt without allowing it to paralyze and destroy you. if you can't do that right now, i'm not here to cast judgement on you. blacklist phrases. i had "wildfire" blacklisted for a long time. i'm sure i missed aid posts because of it. the alternative was me being nonfunctional. for a long time, i had donation posts blacklisted across the board, because the way my ocd worked meant that i was neurologically incapable of knowing where my own limits were, and i would give money i did not have. if you need to do that, this is me giving you permission. doing this does not make you evil. it does not make you morally bankrupt. it makes you someone whose brain is trying to fucking kill them, and the world needs you to not let that happen.

this is not a post about how you're exempt from caring about the world if you're mentally ill, it's about how you cannot apply that care to anything useful if you're having massive panic spirals every other day about the guilt that you feel. your guilt should not rule your life. if it does, i say this kindly, but you very likely need medication. i'm sorry if you don't have access to that right now. you cannot think your way out of ocd. you cannot think your way into stopping neural activity. you cannot guilt your way into being a good person; you have to be able to exist with the guilt and not let it rule you in order to do that. nobody benefits from your brain trying to martyr you in the name of solving the world's suffering.

you need to be able to function, free of crushing and paralyzing guilt, before you can help anyone. you are not an effective ally like this just because your brain tells you that it's necessary.

#bark bark #ocd tag #actually ocd #also i want to say this now: if you do not experience ocd i do not want your 'well actually' takes on this. #again. this is not a site-wide thing i think everyone should do #do not mistake this for me saying that it's ~okay~ to be wilfully ignorant about genocide or climate disaster #i am speaking to a very specific clinical population whose brains do not work in a way that people outside of that population understand #the guilt you experience with ocd is not the same guilt that everyone has just turned up #it warps your entire personality. it warps your sense of right and wrong #you will deal with it for your entire life unfortunately #(even medicated i still absolutely have Intense White Guilt episodes lol #i just try not to make them my loved ones' problem #because part of handling pathological guilt has to be responsibility without overresponsibility)

[memesfromstuff]

* A FABLE OF GODS: ARIA OF THE ACCURSED (NOVEL) PART ONE.

feel free to change pronouns, wording, etc. as needed!

"What the blazes happened here?"

"It's madness!"

"You should turn back. Now! Before it affects you, too."

"What are you talking about?"

"Before what affects me?"

"Turn back!"

"Alright... In you go."

"What happened here?"

"Are you not going to come in, [name]?"

"You always did say you found it more a blessing than a curse."

"It would seem the others share your affliction now."

"You... You couldn't... You didn't-!"

"One day, [name], all of this will make sense."

"For now, I will leave you with my last shred of hope."

"No need to thank me."

"Don't tell anyone about this, okay?"

"We best not stay here."

"I'm so sorry to wake you. I wouldn't unless it was urgent."

"Is my barn on fire?"

"Are my fields on fire?"

"Then it's not so urgent that it cannot wait until sunrise. Goodbye."

"I really do apologize for waking you up, [name], but you need to listen to me."

"I don't need to listen to a word you have to say."

"Now isn’t it funny, how eventually your actions come back around like that?."

"That’s why I’m here. I was wrong.."

"Can I come in?"

"You were wrong about what?"

"Just say it. We should have listened to you from the beginning."

"It’s not the time to rub it in."

"Though now that there’s two of us, maybe others will finally listen."

"Did you manage to kill the creature?"

"I didn’t dare approach it."

"I don't want to end up as a faded."

"If the woodland creatures are starting to get affected as well, then we need to act, and fast."

"You think he’ll listen?"

"We have to try. This is a matter of whether or not our people will survive the coming summers."

"Your reputation might take a dive after this."

"Let them speak. If they knew the dangers we’ll be facing soon, their lips would swiftly shut."

"Their tongues have not been stilled yet, despite my continuous warnings."

"You cannot blame them."

"There has been plenty of signs, you’ve just all chosen to close your eyes to them."

"Maybe we’re too scared to see it because… well, because of what it means, you know?"

"So, it’s better to wait to acknowledge it until it is too late, is that what you’re saying?"

"I’m saying it’s not that simple."

"I wanted to believe that there was nothing to worry about, that we could continue to live carefree like we always have."

"And so maybe I decided to be wilfully ignorant. And maybe… that was a mistake on my part."

"I guess what I’m trying to say is, none of us are free of fault."

"If you want people to listen, perhaps try a bit more to see things from their perspective."

"To them, you are practically telling them that we’re all going to die."

"That’s precisely the thing I am trying to prevent."

"To them, you are disrupting their feelings of safety."

"I guess I never thought of it that way."

"I’m not trying to say you’re wrong."

"How we’ve all treated you has been vastly unfair to you."

"You didn’t deserve that, and you have taken it in stride."

"I'm sorry for my part in it."

"You don’t have to forgive me, but I hope I can make it up to you."

"There has been, uh… a miscalculation."

#rp meme #roleplay meme #sentence starters #starter sentences #rp promts #novels #books

[sooibian]

Catch These Hands

Pairing: Baekhyun x Fem!Reader

Description: Living with Baekhyun comes with its own challenges

Themes: Fluff (surprise!!!!), established relationship, make up artist and masseur Byun, a little bit of byuntae, and one (1) Eminem reference lol

Prompt: @/notyourenglishprofessor : You SAY you didn’t eat in bed but these crumbs say differently.

A/N: Happy Birthday @is-that-baekhyuns-shirt​ !!!! here’s your biggest pet peeve woven into a bbh fic! Hope you enjoy it XD

Word count: ~ 1.7k

Nights out have never agreed with you. It’s 2 a.m. and your feet hurt from the heels, your head hurts from the drinks, your little black dress (your best friend sure does have a penchant for party clichés) is mocking your food baby, your makeup feels clumpy - maybe you overused the setting powder but you wouldn’t know because the complex art of blending cosmetics has always eluded you. How do they make it look so easy in YouTube tutorials?

As you’re keying in the passcode to your apartment, despite all the malaise, a sudden surge of comfort courses through your veins at the thought of your adorable boyfriend asleep in a clean, cozy bed, engulfed in warm and fresh sheets that exude the fragrance of a spring meadow - courtesy of your brand new laundry detergent. You imagine he is dressed in his snuggly pajamas, with his lips slightly parted, dark hair tousled, and your ostrich plushie clutched to his chest. Ever since you started living with him, you’d never spent a night away from home but the one time you returned after a weekend long Neuroscience conference, you found your plushie resting in the comfort of his arms. The next morning he insisted that he didn’t know where it came from.  

‘Time to catch him red handed’, you smile to yourself.

Kicking off your heels and scraping your hair up in a bun, you tiptoe to your bedroom and the faint melody of Baekhyun singing in a highly expressive croon falls upon your ears.

Tell me you’ll love again, come back to me again..

He should’ve been long asleep and while you can’t wait to crash out either, you allow yourself the pleasure of eavesdropping on his heavenly vocals that always sound especially sweet when he’s wrestling sleep. Until..until you hear it.. the sharp crunch of plastic which sends you barging into the bedroom with exasperation painted across your features. 

Baekhyun clamps his mouth shut. 

Instead of jumping out of bed to wrap you in his arms, he uncharacteristically stays burrito-ed in his duvet, fixing you with an apologetic gaze. Elbow crushing the pillow underneath him, shoulders crouched, lips pursed, hair dishevelled, pajama bottoms scrunched up to his calves, he tries to blink away the very apparent guilt in his eyes. Your ostrich plushie lay on your side of the bed as if its neck had been snapped like a popsicle stick. 

As you loom over him, lower lip wobbling, he pushes his weight further down the pillow but the tail end of the red Orion choco pie wrapper teasingly peeks from underneath it, glimmering in the cozy golden lighting of the bedroom, already chuckling at the drama that is to ensue.

You’re too tired for this.

Without a word to him, you grab a bunch of blankets from the dresser, shut it with a loud bang and stomp out of the room while Baekhyun’s bearing is that of a frozen frame. As you’re questioning your life choices and are about to vent your frustration on the irreproachable couch, your weary gaze finds the bane of your existence again - crumbs. White, inelegant fragments of food conspicuous against your tan sofa.

They say the more you try to avoid something, the more you create it. This was unequivocally the worst quote you’d ever read. You created nothing! You were not the one to leave this slew of crumbs on the sofa neither did you leave a pile of crumbs on the bed! It was all Baekhyun! 

You’re way too tired for this.

Drowsy, you lie down on the floor, curled up in the many blankets, although still cautious as your piercing eyes doggedly probe for more evidence of Baekhyun’s insolence. Surprisingly, the rug was clean-ish. It was almost as if he had planned on you sleeping on the floor tonight. This thought fuels the rage bubbling in the pit of your stomach so you force your eyes shut to avoid a shouting match this late in the night. 

The shuffling sound of footsteps grows closer and you’re determined not to give him the satisfaction of even a glance. The sound comes to a halt and you feel a gentle caress of warm fingers ghosting over your cheeks which is quickly replaced with a smooth and cool touch of a cotton pad against your eyelids, cheekbones, jaw line, with a distinct scent of micellar water wafting in the little to no space between Baekhyun and you.

You continue to play dead as he’s quietly and deftly taking your makeup off while delicately holding you up by the back of your neck and you coyly move your face from side to side to allow him better access to every inch of your skin.

“Too much setting powder”, he whispers.

Darnit!

“Still so pretty”, he remarks in his dulcet voice. Your head now rests in his lap and he’s gently moving his thumbs in tiny circles under your brows, working his way from inside out and continuing the movement all around your eyes and ending back at the bridge of your nose, almost lulling you to sleep.   

At this point every cell in your body is waging a war against your now weakened spirit that’s continuing to disregard him yet you find yourself revelling in his mellow affections.

“It’s a rookie mistake. Not to worry, baby, I’ll help you get it right the next time.” He reassures, planting a soft kiss on your pout.

“Right”, eyes still wilfully shut, you chastise him, “maybe when you find the time from eating in bed.”

“Yah! Don’t be like that.” Baekhyun whines, prying your eyes open with his fingers, not-so-gently.

You smack the back of his hand and sit up cross legged facing him. He stretches his hand out to pat your head and you smack it again invoking a look of pure confusion in Baekhyun’s soft features. His hand is now barely an inch away from your lips and he commands with a raised brow, “Now kiss it better.” 

“Ew!” Your hand strikes the back of his, again. “How many times do I have to tell you not to -”

“Not to eat in bed!” Baekhyun completes your sentence with a deep sigh, “I know and I wasn’t -”

“Do not lie to me Byun Baekhyun!” Warning him, you wag your finger as annoyance betrays your voice, rendering your pitch shrill. Dusting the corners of his mouth with the pads of your fingers, you sneer, “These crumbs say otherwise. You know I hate it when you eat in bed! It’s ...It’s….disgusting! And -”

“And?” 

“You always ignore my post-its!”

Baekhyun huffs and runs a hand through his hair. Letting on a forced smile, he reasons, “We’ve been living together for three years now. I think it’s time you stopped leaving ‘do not eat’ post-it notes on everything you buy!”

Tilting your head to the side, you explain animatedly, “First of all, you won’t let me buy snacks on our grocery runs because they’re unhealthy or whatever and you want to bring about a stupid dietary reform in the household which, by the way, is failing miserably - ”

“Yah!! We’re still in January, don’t be such a pessimist!”

“Do not interrupt me! The few that I do manage to sneak into the cart are mine and mine alone!”

“It’s just that..the ones that you buy taste better”, he mumbles, unveiling the most powerful weapon in his artillery - the pout.

“That is the most ridiculous thing that’s come out of your mouth today aside from the crumbs! I imagined you’d be...”, it’s nearly 3 a.m. and you’re starting to descend into a fugue state, “you’d be...curled up in bed like a...like a... cooked shrimp with a plushie clutched to it’s chest!”

Visibly offended, he flicks your forehead and bellows, “Cooked shrimp!? It’s called the fetal position. Look it up!”

“I know what it’s called!” Your livid expression eases into a rather ill meaning smile, “My apologies, I took you for a grown man.”

“What in the world - I am a grown man!” His lips stretch into a wide grin and the tips of his fingers tease the sensitive spot on your neck, “would you like to see?”

“You’re disgusting, Byun Baekhyun! A grown man does not eat in bed!” You smack the back of his hand. Again.

“Strike four! You’re obligated to kiss it better now!” 

Tears start to well up in your eyes at the sight of his hand dangling so close to your face. “I’m tired”, you cry, burying your face in your hands as exhaustion and exasperation take over, “I really need you to stop eating in bed.” 

“Babe, I -” His eyes grow into large brown circles at the sight of your distressed state and he freezes.

“I feel like the crumbs will, like, turn into ferocious ants and nibble at my skin while I’m asleep”, you break into full blown sobs and Baekhyun takes you in his arms, holding you tight against his warm and comforting frame and patting your head to calm you down.

“Hush, baby”, he sing-songs, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! You go get changed into something comfortable and I’ll dust the bed, okay?”

“Can you change the sheets instead?” Sniffling, you ask him with wide, pleading eyes, a sly smile playing at your lips.

His eyebrows shoot upwards and he exclaims, “It’s three in the morn-”

“Please?” You sing-song, a little too loudly.

He lets out a deep sigh, “Okay! I’ll change the sheets.”

With his slightly dispirited face sandwiched between your hands, you ask cheerfully, “And you promise to never eat in bed again?” 

“I promise to never eat in bed again.” A dejected Baekhyun says to his knees. 

“And you won’t steal my snacks?”

You had now started to push your luck with him, but it was a risk you were willing to take.

He flicks your forehead a little harshly this time making you squeal. “Can you stop with the stupid post-its, already?”

Rubbing your forehead, you surrender and get up. “Fine! I’ll go shower now.”

Baekhyun wraps his arms around your waist. Nuzzling your neck, he coos seductively, "I’ll join you.” 

“Byun Baekhyun!”

#exowritersnet #bbh-net #exosnet #exo fluff #baekhyun fluff #exo #baekhyun #exo oneshot #baekhyun oneshot #baekhyun oneshots #byun baekhyun #exo x reader #baekhyun x reader #exo x you #baekhyun x you #baekhyun fanfic #baekhyun fanfics #exo fanfic #exo fanfics

[titconao3]

Frank Castle for the character ask!

Refers to this ask, send me a character and I’ll list…

(brace yourself, it’s pretty long!)

favourite thing about them

OMG OMG do i have to choose *flail*He seems like a pretty chill guy when he’s not in full-on emo guns-out murder mode. Not the kind to ask himself pointless questions that will only cause distress, and that seems so… nice. Soothing. He’s good at waiting for the right moment, the right shot (sniper skillz!). He can be quiet.(Well, I’m not sure Dinah or Curt would agree on that one ^_^ put the gun down Frank - put that gun down. Please?)This appeals to me, probably because I’m always doing the brain-churn thing inside and I wish it would just stop rather often ;-)

He is generally practical-minded and down-to-earth (well not so sure about the razor blade under the skin, but he wasn’t 100% sane at the time? although I’m not sure he ever is, really… but then, he was even less sane!), but he doesn’t overdo it: he doesn’t feel the need to advertise his skills, he just does what he believes he has to do. With extra bloodspill and gunpowder on top.He reads books but doesn’t make a big deal out of it, he knows himself pretty well, he understands how people work. He makes mistakes, but he deals with it and ploughs forward. Like Matt, he is Will and Purpose. Like Matt too, if he gets ploughed over while he’s on a mission, he doesn’t care. He can be his own casualty, as long as the mission gets done. People who care for him find that extremely scary (and it is!) but it’s also something I can admire.

He is, as Root said about Shaw in Person of Interest, an arrow. The calm centre in the middle of the hurricane.Some people probably think he’s dumb because he doesn’t dazzle you with words or convoluted strategies… those people don’t last long.

He also generally doesn’t pretend - what you see is what you get, and when he loves / likes you it’s full on to the death unless you betray him. In that case, it’s to YOUR death. (Hi, Bill.)

least favourite thing about them

Hm.Well, what he does is, in fact, bad. But we can’t hate him for it because we know why, because the bad guys are even worse, because he puts limits to his acts and abides by them… and I don’t want to root for him. But i do, all while knowing i shouldn’t. 

Don’t make me have complicated feels, Frank è_é (which is also probably what his friends think about him, tbh).

Also, shoes on furniture: NO.

favourite line

I don’t know… You gotta do what you gotta do? Pretty iconic. Or, I really like pancakes? I killed him (you didn’t)?Or the One batch, two batch, Penny and dime thing?Maybe I should say whenever he says nothing, or just one word. I like that he doesn’t overuse words. He’s short, to the point. Bit grunty at times, sure ;-) but he doesn’t obfuscate.

brOTP

DAMN don’t ask me to choose.Curt is a wonderful, wonderful friend who goes with Frank until he thinks Frank goes too far; then he’s not afraid to confront him. Curt is The Best I hope Curt can go back to his girlfriend and explain stuff and that he’s happy!

Dinah’s ambivalence around Frank is fascinating - she hunts him, listens to him, uses him, respects him, enables him… and he, on the other hand, avoids her, pulls her out of a burning vehicle (it’s a trend), calls her for help, argues with her… theirs is a complex relationship, and I’m in for it!

Early days Billy, they seemed so close and I can’t help but be all ARGH T_T about it. Would Billy have made the same choices a few years earlier? Would he have betrayed Frank and let his family be killed? Was the closeness we saw, in the army and outside of it & even involving Frank’s family, all a lie?So. Many. Questions! So. Much. Angst!

I would love to see more Brett & Frank as reluctant team partners *evil cackle* 

And then of course, there’s Matt! All their interactions in DDS2, the evolution, the respect that grows there all while their philosophies are at odds… or are they? etc etc. 

Last but definitely NOT least, MICRO! I missed David and generally speaking the Liebermans so much in S2. There already were kids in canon for Frank to be attached to! *coughcough* David and his robe, David not taking any of Frank’s BS, David helping Frank, being scared for him, yelling at him… 

OTP

Hm. Matt, or Beth, or Maria ;-) i really liked Beth, they seemed to hit it off and she looked like someone who - like Maria, and the people who matter in his life - wouldn’t let him forget there are two people in a partnership. He can, I think, be very self-centred, and can wilfully ignore his actions impact others when he’s on his quest. Someone who recognizes he can be an asshole and calls him out on it, while still providing an anchor that reels him back in. Someone he can care for / be protective of, but who he knows deep down doesn’t need him. He needs to feel needed, I think, but if nothing counterbalances that he can be way too overbearing.

Maria, Beth, Matt can protect themselves (well, Matt less than the others, he can’t protect himself from himself) and are no frail little things; but Frank needs to feel needed and Beth, for example, shows appreciation of his behaviour with her son, appreciates he’s respectful with her, etc. She needs that in her life, she is clear about it and he certainly provides. Maria raised two kids on her own and didn’t take any of his shit.

Or, generally, Frank/peace; but that won’t happen…

nOTP

i don’t ship him with Curt (buddy vibes), Dinah (not really buddies but I don’t get the shippy vibes at all either), or Karen. Or Billy, I think it’s a thing too but it’s way too sad / doomed for me.Also Micro seems too into his wife to have anything left for Frank ;-)

random headcanon

Our big boy Frank is a bit of a health nut. As a Marine, it was drilled into him that his body is a weapon, and he takes care of it so it serves him well. Okay, so sometimes he forgets he can’t pick up another one if it gets destroyed like he can a gun, but generally speaking he exercises regularly and if he can, he’ll eat well (the macrobiotic line in S1? I never got over it!).

unpopular opinion

Probably not being into Kastle?Generally speaking, I don’t ship Karen with anyone, so no Kastle for me. No beef from me if you do! Ship (or not) and let ship (or not) ^_^ 

I actually really like the idea of Karen and Frank as friends, because she refuses to take his bullshit and he is 200% grateful for what she did for him - seeing him as a person, reminding him of his family even if it hurt, etc. That’s canon and I can definitely roll with it, and I don’t see the need to add to it just because he’s a guy and she’s a woman. I like strong relationships that don’t need love / sex on top of it. Those relationships matter too, including between people identifying as different genders.

song i associate with them

To be honest, I’m not that good at music stuff; I don’t listen to a lot of music and when I do it’s usually stuff I’m familiar with over new. I prefer the quiet ^_^However, this time, I will give you one: Marilyn Manson’s Killing Strangers. Not only do the lyrics fit, it’s also written about a vet’s PTSD.

favorite picture of them

no idea… sorry ^_^

#beguilewritesstuff #punisher #the punisher #frank castle #ask

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Okay so the Lizard stuff in ASM v5 #2 really bugged me as I stated when the issue came out, and it has continued to bug me a lot since then, but I did take a step back to consider some things and went so far as to refresh my memory of Shed, No Turning Back and every Lizard appearance story since then (all of which bar one, were written by Slott) to give myself perspective. I also re-read ‘The Child Within’ by DeMatteis and Buscema and skimmed ‘the Death of Vermin’ also by DeMatteis and Buscema because I felt they were relevant to the topic at hand.

 So I have SOMEWHAT changed my mind on my initial reactions to the Lizard stuff from ASM v5 #2, partially because I got some perspective and partially because I went through the painful process of returning to those previously mentioned Lizard stories (of which I will begrudgingly admit ‘No Turning Back’ by Slott...isn’t that bad, I know no one was more shocked than me).

So my beef was how nonchalant Peter and everyone else was over the Lizard teaching at ESU and also how chill Connors himself was. I wasn’t going to just go by the logic of ‘well they were written that way before under Slott so it’s consistent’ because Slott of course was notoriously bad at characterization. Case in point Spider-Man 100% made a joke/casual comment about the Lizard eating people in Clone Conspiracy #3 as he did in ASM v5 #2.

 This was to me, and I 100% stand by this, totally out of character in both instances because...he’s joking about cannibalism and subtextually joking about the cannibalism of an innocent child, an innocent child whom he knew personally .*

 Which is a great big egregious NO in your chyaracterization of Peter Parker. I despise ‘Shed’ passionately but whatever else you want to say about it, Spidey’s abject horror of Billy’s death in that story was totally true to his character and an important part of that story, that story itself (however anyone wants to feel about it) being an important story in the history of the Lizard. I feel about ‘Shed’ the same kind of way I feel about the Clone Saga (except I like parts of the Clone Saga). Maybe you don’t like it, maybe it was bad for the characters, but it’s so important to their histories you can’t just ignore it.

 Having Peter joke about the Lizard an cannibalism is very much ignoring the single most infamous part of the most well known Lizard story ever (besides his debut issue and Torment by McFarlane). It would be akin to Spider-Man ignoring the fact that he believed himself to be a clone or in fact being insensitive to someone because they were a clone (which he was to Kaine actually in Spider-Island).

 In ‘the Child Within’ Spider-Man also showed horror and disgust over the fact that Edward Whelan/Vermin, had also literally eaten people.

 If Spider-Man is going to show horror and disgust over someone he doesn’t know literally eating other people he doesn’t know, why would he ever joke about someone he does know personally (Curt Connors) eating someone else he knows personally (Billy, a child he’s tried to protect multiple times)?

 Answer: this was a moment where Spencer did I am afraid drop the ball badly. But you know...happens to the best writers. Let’s not sit here and pretend Stan Lee himself didn’t make major screw ups. Hell J.M. DeMatteis and Roger Stern, two of the greatest Spider-Man writers ever, made missteps. Heck we’re talking about ‘the Child Within’, that’s a story where I think DeMatteis made a big mistake in his characterization of Spider-Man himself, one that cuts to the heart of the character in a way bigger way than this moment from Spencer. He’s still one of the elite Spider-Man writers though and still (with DeFalco) my fav ever.

  I have however changed my mind on the matter of Connors himself being so chill with his life situation and with the wider ESU staff and student body and the idea  of Spider-Man himself accepting Connors.

 So I said I wasn’t going to just blithely run by the logic of ‘well this is what it was like under Slott so it’s consistent’, but it is important to remember Connors accepted his own guilt in Slott’s run and didn’t try to shy away from imprisonment despite having the option to. He was however, even before Clone Conspiracy, not the kind of broken man you’d imagine anybody who’s child was so horrifically murdered (by their own hands...let alone own mouth) would be like.

 After Clone Conspiracy this could ARGUABLY make sense though. Connors as man who lost everything important to him, his arm, his faith in humankind (see Spider-Man Unlimited #19), his home, his career, his humanity and his family (mostly all due to the same thing, being the Lizard) could very well cling to any given opportunity to in some shape or form reclaim his family and then by extension everything else.

 This is why I think, like so many people in Clone Conspiracy, he embraced what was clearly just a new cloning process as a form of resurrection. He was so desperate for Billy and Martha to be alive again and for them to be a family that he either didn’t question it or pushed aside the rationale conclusion that these were merely clones not the genuine articles.

 So in having them back it in a sense allowed him to cope with, heal from, move on from, or do whatever psychologically to NOT be a broken man over eating his own son. To him, even though it’s not actually the case, his greatest sin has been undone and he’s even had a hand in ‘making it right’ because he was the one who figured out how to stabilize their conditions and prevent them from dying at the end of Clone Conspiracy.

 In making them Lizard people like him (although that already happened to Billy anyway, but nevermind) it equally mighty have alleviated the fact that he was himself trapped in the body of an inhuman monster. He had his family back and bonus, now they were like him, now he no longer needed to worry about hurting them when he transformed both because he the human was in control but also they were fellow reptiles now. He wasn’t the man with the monster inside him who might destroy his family, they were all monsters together now.

 Had he compromised his wife and son’s humanity to get there? Sure but they were alive and together and that desire within Connors was possibly so strong that he essentially wilfully denied that he’d turned them into monsters. I am loathe to give Slott credit for this and I might be overextrapolating but this could very well be why in Clone Conspiracy Omega when Lizard Zombie Billy is eating his plate and Lizard Zombie Martha is struggling to talk beyond a grunt whilst pouring water all over the table Connors is just nonchalant and content. He’s in denial because he is so desperate for his family to be back in any form. Potentially he might also be thinking he could get out a more permanent cure for all of them later.

 From there the fact that he has his arm back, has the chance at a career and public opinion is more favourable towards him ever since he helped Mayor Jameson back in Superior (likely a contributor to the job he got at ESU) from his warped desperate perspective he’s gotten back a lot of the stuff that he lost. He might even enjoy the power of being the Lizard whilst still being in control (in ASM #43 he DID suggest that the Lizard could defeat the Rhino). Even if that wasn’t the case with the inhibitor chip enables him to switch back and forth anyway.

 This I think is the most logical explanation for why Connors in more recent stories hasn’t been the broken man he should have been in the wake of ‘Shed’.** You could also argue that he is forgiving himself somewhat because ‘the Lizard did it not me’, although I find this less believable.

 Regarding the ESU staff and students, they seem chilled out with him but equally I must now admit we don’t hear THAT much from them in the issue anyway so for all we know they’re just getting on with the situation and not saying or doing anything to express their potential horror and discomfort over being in the same room as a cannibal. Plus he did state he hadn’t been in Lizard form the whole time, just for the sake of that experiment on that day.

If Mayor Jameson was forgiving of him, if the authorites gave him a second chance, if they gave Vermin/Edward Whelan a second chance and he seems like a nice guy I guess it stands to reason that college students, who tend to be on the more Liberal and accepting side of life (not dissing that just and observation) would probably give him a shot, especially if cannibalism isn’t brought up much or if they didn’t know about that. Also realistically you’d imagine in the Marvel Universe greater emphasis and efforts would be made from the student body of a NYC based university to be respectful towards mutants and that likely would extend to mutates like Curt Connors. That’d just be a reflection I think of how a lot of modern colleges act, although there was an anti-mutant sentiment in some old ESU Spidey stories IIRC.

 Finally we come to Spider-Man himself being so forgiving towards Curt Connors. I stand by how OOC it was for Peter to make a joke about Connors history with cannibalism but having refreshed my memory of all the above mentioned stories I am big enough to admit that I was somewhat mistaken and wasn’t thinking things through.

 I think I was letting the elephant that was Shed blind me to the character’s individual and shared histories together and equally my disdain of Slott’s run led to me not revisiting his stories much, thus certain details of them slip my mind moreso than with yarns I like (e.g. the JMS run).

 Again, I didn’t want to approach this topic with the mentality of ‘Well it was like this under Slott so it’s consistent so it’s okay’, because again Slott’s characterization was notorious. HOWEVER even a broken clock is right twice a day and in his run Spider-Man clearly (mostly) demonstrated an attitude that Connors was not himself to be blamed for the actions of the Lizard and he demonstrated a certain forgiving attitude towards him too. In ASM #699 the Peter inside Doc Ock’s dying body even wants to free the Lizard, though he wonders if this is due dying affecting his thinking.

 This is consistent with Spidey’s attitude towards Connors/the Lizard going right back to the Silver Age. But I thought you know...infanticide and cannibalism are different ball games, would Spidey extend the ‘Connors is not to blame for the Lizard’s actions’ mentality to something like that?

 That’s why I read ‘the Child Within’ and ‘The Death of Vermin’. A human being who was turned into a half human/half animal monster as a manifestation of internal psychological issues who also engaged in violence and cannibalism? Obvious grounds for comparison and as a bonus Vermin’s character was created and defined by DeMatteis, who is one of Spencer’s biggest influences on Spider-Man.

 So in reading those stories, Spidey does At FIRST take a merciless attitude towards Vermin, precisely due to his cannibalism, but it’s also implied it’s due to the association of Vermin and his trauma over being buried alive as well as one of Vermin’s abilities just bringing out darker, unpleasant impulses in those around him; psychic poison as it’s called.

 However as both stories clearly demonstrate, at the end of the day Peter does pity Vermin, doesn’t regard him as a monster but as a victim of both Baron Zemo and his own mental illnesses. In ASM #403 (again by DeMatteis) when Edward Whelan is transformed back into Vermin Spider-Man expresses dismay because he’d come so far.

 So actually yeah Spider-Man would totally forgive Connors, totally embrace working with him and be sympathetic towards him. He just wouldn’t have joked about Billy and I hope desperately that we WILL bring up the fate of the Connors family later since last Peter checked they would’ve died in Clone Conspiracy.

  However my reading actually uncovered a few other problems and inconsistencies. The biggest ones being that Peter is shocked and scared in ASM v5 #2 that the Lizard is anything other than Connors in control considering that last he checked that was the Lizard’s status quo. Even if you argue that Peter doesn’t have the memories of the Peter who died in Otto’s body back in ASM #700 (who first learned Connors was in control of the Lizard’s body) he clearly knew that Connors was in control back in Clone Conspiracy, Connors outright told him that. So...why is he reacting like he doesn’t know that?

 Again, it seems like Spencer dropped the ball here. The scene would’ve worked fine in like the default setting for the Lizard/Connors from the old pre-Shed days but it doesn’t line up with very recent stories, Clone Conspiracy was after all as recent as 2017 and a major event.

 In the same vain it doesn’t really make sense for the inhibitor chip to be a plot device in this story because again, the Lizard’s persona was ‘killed’ back in No Turning Back. Connors had been in control of the Lizard’s body for YEARS (in-universe and in the real world) by the time we got to ASm v5 #2 so why is the story and Connors acting like he’s got this new gadget to enforce control of the Lizard body and prevent him from changing?

 Not to mention how did the authorities get a hold of him in the first place, wasn’t he on the run last we saw him.***

 Again, it’s something that’d make total sense at almost any point in the Lizard’s history before 2009, but it doesn’t jive with what we’ve seen most recently.

 Which if you wanna go in this direction I support that, I infinitely think that’s better for the character than the band aid Slott had tried to put over Shed (valiant effort though it was, I begrudgingly give him that) but like...you gotta explain this stuff. This is the entire status quo for a supporting character who’s been around since the Silver Age arbitrarily changing in very noticeable ways with little-no on the page implications as to how.

 I hope Spencer addresses this stuff in the future even though my initial problems barring one no longer bug me. 

*ASM #365 Peter and MJ attended Billy Connors’ birthday party. This isn’t a small obscure thing to overlook because ASM #365 was one of (arguably the main) story celebrating Spider-Man’s 30th anniversary, complete with a Master Planner homage. The Parker/Connors family friendship appeared in other stories both before and after that issue too so every writer should be aware Spidey knows Billy somewhat personally. 

**As for why he didn’t seem like....WAY more upset prior to Clone Conspiracy I think you could even explain that one away as him knowing intellectually that the Lizard killed his son but it was at the moment that the Lizard struck the killing blow that Connors ‘died’ as it were. His thought captions actually back this up in Shed as they literally rip in half. So although Connors KNOWS he/the Lizard killed Billy he might not have remembered or ever actually seen or experienced it himself.

Like he blacked out just as it was happening, meaning he wouldn’t retain anything in his memories of the experience to actually traumatise him. He might not even know that the Lizard literally ate his son, just that he killed him in general.

If you go with this idea then him being upset and feeling he deserves to be punished as we saw in  No Turning Back, ASM #699, No Escape (from Superior) and a few other appearances prior to Clone Conspiracy makes more sense. He is obviously upset, he is obviously devastated but he just isn’t broken. Not that Slott or anyone communicated that very well, but they also didn’t make him seem like he definitely WASN’T that either, he just didn’t talk much except to admit he was punishing himself or to save Jameson’s life. 

***Also Peter in No Turning Back claims that really it was Curt Connors who was the evil behind the Lizard all along. Let’s ignore ‘A Lizard’s Tale’, that horrible Paul Jenkins Lizard story which claimed Connors had always been in control. This line of dialogue from Slott doesn’t really make sense however you want to interpret it. If you interpret it as Spidey saying the Lizard was a manifestation of Connors’ inner negativity it doesn’t make sense because...he already knew that from Spider-Man Unlimited #19. But if you interpret it as Connors was actually himself at fault for the Lizard’s actions the whole time (including Billy’s murder) it also makes no sense because Spider-Man totally knows there is a Jekyll/Hyde situation going on there.

#Spider-Man #Peter Parker #Curt Connors #Lizard #the Lizard #Nick Spencer #Vermin #Edward Whelan #J.M. DeMatteis #Dan Slott