#didnt intend to end with my hand writing but i wrote too much to switch to text

[daneesoro]

The team's relationships with the director

#didnt intend to end with my hand writing but i wrote too much to switch to text #oc #my art #dani art #original characters #original character #might post a diff one that has everyone's opinion about each other #which was what i meant to do with this but itll just be words everywhere

[castlehead]

makeshift feels from the opinion lab

kafka wrote in a journal urhmherm of being limited to prague, then his room, then his bed, then nothing at all. to be limited at last to nothing at all. well. turns out i guess the most kafkaesque sentiment came from franz kafka.

enjoi ya rickety gethsemane while it is still to be dreamed, young writers, young writers of youth.

after a job on a hot day back in april or may or something i started listening to this while walking out of the truck towards the gas station convenience store and abruptly pivoted away from the sliding doors to sneak around the side and weep near the green fencing around some boilers. it occurred to me how little i could ever forgive myself for doing.

the shit ive done, all of it, i havent forgiven myself. if i did it and it was bad, or even meagre, dumb, really no big deal, bet yr ass it still keeps me from thinking i deserve happiness. i do not forgive myself for anything ive ever done. no deed is too temporal to etch itself cleanly into my head as something unforgivable, if only it makes a small point.

i know this is true because no joy i ever feel is felt fully, because i do not think it is deserved; and because i allow myself to be joyous only when i think of the truth of my unforgiven, unforgivable state. never to be. Never will.

and that is what is depression.

There must be something here, in me. Here where the jackals caterwAul Like streetcats Mewing their gizzard After this night’s heat, What’ll it be Jackals, Buzz off, shit man

i feel like the key to life is knowing that 90 percent of anxiety & depression, either in degree or in its truth, and at least somewhere not wracked by war, is unsubstantiated (the ten percent being actual crises, like fear of violence, a death in the family, etc). The problem is how persuasive these feelings can be that lead to the fulfillment of the very fear or solidifying the reason for being depressed. But with positive feelings, the least thing, whether true or no, can always be rewarding. A bit of happiness must be allowed to be felt, indiscriminately, because it is more useful to us than a bit of sadness. Take the fierce dialectic u use to establish a depressing ‘truth’ and persuade yourself of something good. If one is far fetched, let it be the something bad. Until it happens, after all, all of it remains in your head, to do with what u will.

You don’t get to lower taxes on the rich and gut social services at the same time. The reason social services are in place is to provide a fair shake for john q public. Mostly investors are feeling the benefits of the corporate tax cut. They’re not giving the money towards a better product that would help the people. but one day there will be no sesame seeds on the bun of yr Big Mac and you’ll wonder how that’s possible with an entire sesame seed dept that just got a pay raise.

tax reform should be done to help a free market, so that the rich can be poor and the poor rich. Taxation helps the people so that social services become less necessary. Social services were developed because the percentage of taxation was unequal between higher and lower class. Poor folks felt the pain while rich folks shrugged it off.

Thats why I say you can’t do both: social services are a protection against the world being entirely controlled, if it’s not already, by those from the very swamp this president wants to drain. T**** hasn’t drained shit.

i feel like writing takes over for your thought process. You can’t think and write at the same time, or something. something turns off or it switches where it’s doing the shit it’s doing to a different place, like yr hands. I don’t think you can write down one linear thought with another thought being thought in your head. This is why people say their mind goes blank in extended periods of inspiration. The functioning has gone from being untethered and temporal, ie wandering thoughts, notions, speculating, to being possessed in a focused place, ie yr hands, which usually leads to a more focused expression of perhaps a thought of particular value, enough in the first place to require writing down. But tho this can be easy for some talented people, who might, as Joyce said, polish their nails while writing some genius thing, what does not come easy for anybody, because it is imposssible, is thinking two disparate things, of the everyday and of some behemoth philosophic concept, for example, without either one taken place after or before; or, one of them being intermittently disturbed, tho linearly, by the other, like a notification on yr phone- until at last one of the two breaks down, and the foxus superseded by the one left. This is especially novel. One thinks; one does not think and also think. That would make it two people in one head. Therefore we can presume that ones identity is found in the unity, or internal focus, of their story in thoughts down one narrow wire: thought can cross many paths and examine everything under and beyond th sun, but per person it is still in the singular. It cannot divide into two simultaneous paths of equal focus. there can be multilayered thoughts with a similar core concept behind them, and these can be thought simultaneously as much as one can ante up and dole out shades of emotion and shades of thought, and so on. But I cannot think of a teleological explanation for all creation and with the same focus Apply myself to letters in the mail. There is a dominant voice, and the rest, the mundane voice, is seen thru that lens.

ya cant say yr colorblind then gripe about people hatin ya cuz u r white. contradiction of terms no? if you really didnt see color, ud say people hated yr ass because yr a damnfool entrylevel, grunt-ass lowbrow. not because of the color of ya skin, which ya recognized and put to the forefront in making that very statement.

feel like uh, a priori is not intuition alone. Intuition is a function of the mind, while a priori is, if I understand Kant correctly, a representation synthesized before there is an object of focus available for the senses to interpret, ie an essentially true conclusion drawn, that has no need for a combined manifold, as, Kant tells us, is offered by merely living in space and time: time to extend and progress from cause to effect to cause, and space to do it in. In other words, intuition is cognitive- psychological, and a priori, theoretical- logical.

Pathos is the one thing most divine about people, for i see that in my worst state I can still grieve for the savaging of life’s last hope, and be uplifted, feel tears, at least for a little blessed while. There is no state so low that does not inspire one to at least pity themselves, and feel the comfort of passions, however mistaken or wretched the person.

i feel that / Some subjects do not even allow to be proved through the scientific method, yet they are still issues of a scientific nature and not just mysticism. the line is very thin however, since usually these subjects devolve into mysticism. In fact, if science only worked with that which could be proven, from the outset or otherwise, we’d have a pretty limited roster of discoveries. Sometimes discoveries can be made along the way towards proving; sometimes, discoveries can be made, scientifically, thru means that for lack of anything better, are entirely theoretical. And sometimes the search is not to prove something true but to clarify something. Science is not out to be incontrovertible.

The man in mismatched sox inhaled not as deeply as he would have liked at such a crescendo, even if on the third listen in a row, then, looked up at the massive pure blue upwards, cloudless, felt likely to cry for joy, but in the end simply mouthed the words:

“I’m gonna die of loneliness, fo sho.”

So often doth trespass our intuition upon realms and pathways of a more intimate enumeration of cause and effect than could be available to any witness, and that is available only to the actioning of objects involved in the event seen and analyzed by what and who were no player.

The crisis paid goodbyes in the form of telling your ass off, is what he said. But we all knew he thought he was merely a parable often enough already. We didn’t listen to the crisis, deliberately shut our ears like boxing them very slowly ourselves before anyone else could. Later in the year many terrible events would occur that were the direct result of ignoring his words. But nobody came around to believing he did it. The crisis was way off teaching prophecies someplace probably foreign. But if I refuse to be confined to learning from my own folly I should at least give the follies of others a chance. Fatass karma, and more hell than handbasket.

What the crisis he said was

HEY YOU DONT WANT TO FACE JACK, FACE? TELL ME ABOUT HOW CRUELTY CAN BE ELEGANT AGAIN. YOU ARE FACING NO SUCH BURDEN OF SIMPLY LIVING. TELL ME WHAT HALLUCINATIONS ARE, YOU SWOLLEN, DYSPEPTIC SHIT.

And to this day All I remember is him Looking slain already Like he’d be on the slab In days Or even hundreds of years from then And it’d be how, uh, how He looked then Slamming the door While my sister and things Was gatherin they buckets for weeping later In that queer disease of spite where You grieve for the vanquished enemy.

all triumph is in some sense humorous, for in itself triumph is the opposite of tragedy. that is why the soldier laughs as he shoots at a retreating enemy. there is an element of rowdiness that is somewhat comedic, taken in itself.

Numbers are the only symbols that stand for what they are. In this way they are more like hieroglyphs

is bed porn a thing? it should definitely be a thing.

THIS LIFE IS FILLED WITH DARKNESS THIS DARKNESS IS SO LIGHT GOD IN HEAVEN QUA SKY MUST BEAT WINGS TO KEEP ON GROUND NOTHING MUCH IS EVER FOUND NOTHING MUCH IS EVER FOUND. No symbols where none intended etc etc

No art is permanent, in that its aims in being created do not last, do not translate between epochs. I will never experience Homer as one living in Ancient Greece. Have not closely read Homer, but when I do it will be as myself in my time, with all the sullying context of those years from then to now only left to unguide me.

Kierkegaard tricks you into thinking he knows his insanity is illogical, the side effect of writing his labyrinths. The frightening moment comes when you realize how fiercely logical his insanity seems to him, and how insane the World actually is, and you wonder if it is that you do not understand it or just do not accept it.

#prose #powtry #prowse #poetry #collage #social media

[tumblunni]

okay im gonna just try and write down all my damn pokemon i can remember from every generation fuck fuck i know i could never get ALL OF THEM cos it was at least 100 each gen but i can hopefully remember my main teams??

~ Sun and Moon Team ~

Pulcinella the male Primarina (Egotistical smarmy jerk-with-a-heart-of-gold celebrity boy) Herald the female Mimikyu (nice grandma + amateur newspaper reporter, sends them back to the other ghosts at the thrifty megamart) Charlene the female Golisopod (never really thought of a personality for her? I didnt originally intend to use her but then she was really good and i love golisopod’s design?? so i just named her randomly after charon cos wimpod is kinda shaped like his hair, lol) (i think maybe one of those cowardly characters who’s brave when she needs to protect her friends? like eduardo from foster’s home for imaginary friends) Suspenders the female Lurantis (stoic samurai type, but also very sweet, naive and a little ditsy. easily gullible to pulcinella’s pranks cos she just takes everything seriously with samurai honor.) Ampere the female alolan Raichu (sweet mom friend of the group, makes everyone pancakes and mitigates all the conflicts. you’d think herald would outrank her in mumsiness but she’s more like the eccentric grandma who encourages her kids to misbehave, lol) Sherbet the male Muk (super chipper cuddly little toddler type fella who luv and support he friends) (OH GOD i caught a shiny muk in bw2 and i was gonna say they were cousins and i was so excited to have them finally meet.. aaaa... T_T) (THE COUSIN IS NAMED NOUGAT AND HE IS ALSO A SUPER CHIPPER CUDDLY BABY AND NOW HIS WHOLE FAMILY IS FUCKIN DEAD) (god that gives him a plotline to differentiate him from his alolan version but GEEZ i didnt want it to happen like that...)

and honorary member Neopolitan the Kadabra who was on the team early on but got replaced with Charlene cos when SuMo first came out there was a dumb glitch that prevented kadabra from learning one move in its learnset and it was just STUCK WITH NO ATTACKING MOVES FOR 20 LEVELS GEEZ but neopolitan was still a supportive friend yes possibly personality like that monk robot guy from overwhetch?

also honorary member: that leavanny that my friend Beezah traded me and i spent ages training it up to level 80 to rematch her and i NEVER GOT TO DO IT I think his name might have been cedric?? or some other c name??

~ X and Y Team ~

Didnt really think of personalities for these ones or have any big attatchment to them, except that the game came out on my birthday by some strange coincidence. funny how we’ve gone from that to losing games on my birthday! the xy birthday was like the only time my birthday hasnt been GIANT MISFORTUNE in the last seven years, and the only time i managed to meet up with any irl friends and have some sort of a party. so i guess i’ll remember that fondly about XY even though the story was possibly my least favourite in the series.

Namaqua the male Greninja Jayus the male Aromatisse (named for an OC of mine at the time, who’s also my steam handle!) Dwedd the female Gourgeist (who was actually my most powerful pokemon in sun and moon competitive?? god im gonna miss her now)

and I’m seriously struggling to remember if there were any others :P

~ ORAS Team ~

I played both versions of this so my team was kinda huger? Still not super memorable as a generation, tho. one of the ones im least depressed about but more depressed than xy. but still depressed about all of them. AAAAA

York the female Blaziken Roquefort the female Swampert (a duo! i played with both of them as my starters cos i only played a little bit of alpha sapph before switching to omega rube for the main playthru. i just love tabitha!) (oh and they were named for some of my ocs at the time.) Wesley the male Charizard (actually got him in XY but never used him there) Seraphim the female Salamence (REALLY sad about this one cos she was a gift from my friend Zoe whom i’ve now lost contact with, same one who gave me the birthday party when xy came out, same one who traded me like EIGHTY OTHER POKEMON ACROSS ALL MY GAMES and LITERALLY SAVED MY LIFE ONCE and WAS AN AMAZING PERSON) Nick the female Gyarados (also traded from zoe. it was named after her fish who died :< I LET HER DOWNNNNNNNN) Tanka the female Gardevoir (just a shoutout to the one i had back when i first played the original rse as a kid, but lost along the way. it was also my username and the name of like forty different ocs for every fandom i had as a kid? i just thought it was a cool word. its the name of a type of poem i heard in class once) Pascal the female Ludicolo (Only one who i gave any sort of personality to. I kinda liked her so much she was more like my starter? i felt like she was a super chill badass. repurpose all those old chuck norris memes for pascal!) Lockjaw the female Banette and Hex the male Mismagius (actually pokemon i made as ocs for a team galactic fanfic i never wrote. usually i make pokemon ocs based on mons i caught, but these ones i went out and caught them to match the story. spent so long chaining mons to find a story-fitting nature for lockjaw that i stumbled onto a shiny shuppet along the way?? i was like “fuck but that isnt what i asked for, but i’ll take it anyway” XD) (oh and i named the shiny shuppet Chuckie) (oh and lockhjaw and hex were meant to be the rest of charon’s pokemon team to give him enough for a decent boss battle)

~ BW Team ~

Anotehr generation i didnt really enjoy? honestly there was a large gap between sinnoh and sun and moon where none of the main plots grabbed me. i still enjoyed the gameplay and the increased graphics for all the cool areas and stuff, tho! im just a plot lover so SuMo bumped the series back up from “just consistantly good” to “the best game ever” But strangely enough I did get really attatched to these guys, even if i didnt really think up personalities and backstories for all of them

Shogunkora the male Samurott (Back when i was in highschool i drank so much caffeine it was like a running joke i was ‘that cola kid’ so i just named my starter after a dumb attempt at ‘cola in a japanese accent’. Ugh, past-me!) (But Shogunkora was actually a casuality long before this! I lost him during the time i was transferring pokemon using a friend’s BW cartridge. I actually had to sell my BW game cos i was preparing to run away from my abusive parents and live in a homeless shelter. Thankfully i did indeed survive that! i had to pick on only one game to keep and of course it was sinnoh. But then i ended up losing the cartridge when i moved house and then finding it earlier this year and then causing me to buy bw2 and put the sun cartridge down and.. well, you know the rest.) Boku the female Leavanny (named as an in-joke cos my roselia was Ore in sinnoh. also a casualty who got lost in that hectic transfer.. alas...) Alviss the male Roggenrola (I was very fond of that pun. He managed to survive, and i even got to pet him in sun and moon! I miss him... gahh.. he survived so much and it was all for nothing...) Flint the male Lampent (i only just finally was able to evolve him in sun and moon, thanks to beezah’s help! i miss him tooooo... fuckkkk...)

~ DPPT Team ~

THE GOLDEN ONES god that was back when i was so extra into pokemon, aaa it legit helped me survive thru abusive dad times i got so atattched to sinnoh and all of these lil guys... fuckkkk...

Ore the male Roserade (Personality was like a cheerful and goofily oblivious typical shonen action hero, but like.. eight. He had a sad backstory where he was befriended by a kind old blind human back when he was a wild pokemon, and then some sort of tragedy burned down the forest and killed both that human and all of his family. And also burned off his hands. I mean, he’s a plant so he can grow those flowers back, but it was still super traumatic. So he took up his trainer’s sword in his burnt off hand stumps and promised to avenge him, and thus gained a magical girl style transformation into a human, somehow...??) (the theme for this party was ‘gijinkas’ and i thought it would be cool if there was a different reason behind it for everyone. he was the more magical type.) (oh and he really liked sandwiches) (oh and he was comic relief a lot cos he was a pokemon who turned into a human instead of vice versa. like ariel in the little mermaid where she combs her hair with the fork. HOW DOES HUMAN WORK) Mangos the female shiny Luxray (traded to me by another best friend that i lost touch with long ago, Clash. I miss her too, it sucks that now all i have is one well-protected drawing of an oc she gave me in high school to remember her by..) (anyway, Mangos fit into this random plotline by being the opposite to Ore. she was a human who got turned into a half-pokemon through an evil genetic experiment. And she balanced him out by being an ultra stern and serious mom figure. She was actually a policeman as a human, so she kicked a lot of ass!) (I know that this whole serious personality doesnt really fit with a name like mangos but shiny luxray looks like mangos) Zene the male Infernape (another shonen hero type comic relief guy?? but he was a teenager and comparatively buff, i guess? i didnt realize these two were so samey despite being opposite elements lol. i guess just the difference is that zene did more comic relief and ore did more cuteness factor) (he was also the least developed one in terms of backstory for being in this half-pokemon heroes team. I just knew that he was some sort of martial artist trainee who wanted to be the best, and that was still his goal after he got superpowers, rather than actually saving the world and all. he’d always recklessly get into fights and have no sense of danger, just HEY THAT THING LOOKS DEADLY LEMME PROVE IM DEADLIER) (oh but i did think way too much about how the law would work in this situation?? like, he was depressed and ended up joining this travelling group cos he got banned from the martial arts tournement he was in. having pokemon superpowers would put him at an unfair advantage.) (oh, i think actually his powers were just genetic or something? like it was a mystical power his whole family line had, but he was an orphan so he didnt know until he hit puberty and started breathing fire. but comedically he thought it was because he ate a magical riceball instead. “it was supernaturally yummy!”) Gaspar the male Haunter (Actually came from that one memorable trollish trade in sinnoh where that lady offers you a haunter and it doesnt evolve into gengar, DAMN YOU. i was determined to love him forever to spite her!) (oh and he eventually did evolve into gengar in xy due to a friend trade and me forgetting to tell her not to evolve him. i’d gotten really attatched to him as a haunter so i was sad for a while before realizing it was dumb and that i might have made my friend think i was mad at her?? thankfully we worked it all out!) (Gaspar’s gijinkaness was literally just... i Died.) (He was a human from the 1920s or something who died horribly and came back as a ghost to avenge his own death. but then after he avenged it he continued to exist, and he floated around aimlessly for a long time before learning to appreciate his second chance and form a new life and a new family. He was like the goofy sitcom dad of the team!) (oh, and he liked candy. i still maintain the headcanon that all ghost pokemon like sweet things!)

~ RSE Team ~

These guys actually were also part of my sinnoh team, but they originated from RSE. I didnt really get attatched to my pokemon in rse or gsc cos i was still salty over having my yellow cartirdge stolen and losing my starter raichu that i loved. TOOK THIS LONG FOR IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN, EH? *cries forever*

Reaper the male Sneasel (My honorary starter and oldest pokefriend. I miss him the most.. fuck..) (He was like.. kinda sirius black from harry potter? but teenage? and like.. trying to be serious? like, a total goober prankster loveable uncle figure but he wants everyone to think he’s a brooding dark antihero, and gets flustered whenever his true cuteness slips through. He looked like squall from ff8 except with dark skin and sunglasses??) (He was also someone who was a pokemon with human powers, instead of a human with pokemon powers. But he adapted a lot better to human society, he was just like.. pride at being wild? He hated the idea of being captured by a trainer, or now the idea of losing his true self and becoming like those humans he hated. So all his moments of failing to pass as human were more cos he refused to lower himself and do [insert normal thing here], rather than cos he was oblivious like Ore. But he actually did end up getting a soft spot for his trainer and becoming like a dad figure to her, like how mangos was a mom to ore and zene, and gaspar was the grandpa/dad to everyone in general. I had quite a complex set of relationships worked out for everyone!) (oh, and yeah, they had a trainer! cos i mean i was playing the game, of course they did. but it was more like the one token powerless human on a team of magical girls and boys. she just pretended to be their trainer so they could travel around pretending to be normal pokemon when necessary. and they were all bffs and protected her cos she didnt have parents. she was kind of a self insert..) (oh, and reaper’s backstory was that he was one of the shadow pokemon captured by team cipher, and then when he got rescued and purified it somehow gave him superpowers too or something. he was blessed by celebi and was like the chosen hero of that legendary. But he didnt wanna, he just wanted to use his new human feet to go buy booze and stuff XD) (i actually did get him in collosseum and he was my fave and best and i kept him forever and now he’s fucking gone) (fuck) Nether the male Sableye (Basically my oc Malachi?? its been all these years and i just suddenly recently revived his plot concept as his own character in his own original story. I hope maybe now i could do that with all the others in some way, so i dont forget them..) (he was all the same back then, down to dying from being bricked up inside a basement. except he became a magical gijinka instead of a more normal ghost.) (oh and this version had him as an adult instead of a child, and his personality was... vague? he started off as a loki-ish trickster and then was a complete jerk and then was the comic relief and then was a gym leader and blablabla. At one point he was even Reaper’s boyfriend, which is ridiculous now this character is a kid instead! (tho he’s still remained bisexual in honor of that) Funnily enough he was also Reaper’s sworn enemy gary oak rival at some point too!) (Basically he was the least developed personality-wise, so i dont feel bad that i changed him quite a bit as malachi. it doesnt feel like a change and more like i finally figured out what i originally wanted to do with him.)

~ RBY virtual console team ~

aaaargh only just got them and already lost them whyyyy

Chuppy the male Raichu (reincarnation of the first pokemon i ever got on my original Yellow cartridige, which got stolen because kids are ASSHOLES) (i cried for days and i feel like doing it again right now.. how little life changes...) Starlet the female Clefable Gumdrop the Nidoqueen

i didnt even have time to love you enouuuuughhh

i didnt love any of them enough aaaa

god this made me sad

but at least now i wont forget any of those memories

probably??

i dunno how to tag this so i dont forget

#BUNNI DONT FORGET #bunni plays pokemon #bunni's important pokemon that bunni isnt gonna forget #THE EPITAPH TO LOST GAMES #aaaaaa i made myself sad: the motion picture #WHY ON MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY

[in-paradox-space]

so my boyfriend just dumped me.

I wrote a massive stream of thoughts down below.

im not going to spell/grammar check it and i only write these things to look back on in the future. 

if you read it, it will be hard to follow

i write them in a way i know i will understand, because theyre intended for me. 

so a lot of context isn’t written down, because I expect myself to already put that context into the right place.

ultimately these are a collection of thoughts many many many other people think, and youre not reading anything new anyway.

In the long term this is a good thing but I’m still in shock.

One of the last things he said was ‘I think you’re mistaking being woke for being retarded’.

I had to look at it and think objectively. What if I am retarded?

Am I just retarded? I asked deep within and it’s like my body was rejecting any possibility of it being true with denile.

I know now the truth is I’m just not on the same plain as these people. It’s foolish for me to try to connect with them on that level with those questions. Whether I am or I’m not retarded, I’m in a completely different world from them and it’s just not comparable. 

Still, I had to ask. Am I retarded? Whenever I looked deep enough to find an answer, a part of me just threw back denial at any possibility of it being true.

I never claimed to be woke or all-knowing but I didn’t say that because that starts a typical pattern of discussion.

I do care what he and many people think and it’s just damaging to pretend I don’t, but if I gave in to that and tried to correct him it would just build on how much I care. Trying to acknowledge it and let it pass.

I don’t blame him at all. This sounds like self-pity but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m still shook but I think I’ll be alright once I’m done processing it and acknowledging it all.

Again, I don’t blame him. I’m surprised it hasn’t come to this already

I guess this is the time something good came from being a dick.

I’m wondering if I get to say this is the meds. I get hella mood swings from my medication. Like super fast switches

I’m honestly a different person, entirely different personality, on this medication. My mood literally switches every couple of minutes, sometimes quicker. I would switch between mania and extreme irritability less than a minute apart from each other after starting the medicine.

I do believe that made me act like a dick to him and many people I know.

Am I allowed to say it’s not entirely my fault because of that though. Many others, including the old me would say I can’t. I’m still to blame. Any loss of control over self is just the result of me not manifesting the willpower to make a change within myself. 

I do try to make this clear to anyone reading

but these are thoughts from deep down within

where things aren’t expressed with words, but just the understand of myself I only truly share with myself.

If you think you understand what I’m saying, you most likely don’t. Even if you think I’m wrong on that.

It’s the bane of my existence. Truly.

The feeling of not being understood while others say they understand. 

If I say nobody understands me, or you don’t understand I become a cliche

and also people can respond with ‘I know I don’t understand, thats why im asking’.

when i try to help people understand my world, it leads to them understand less and less and less

while asking more and more and more

and I’ve seen it happen a thousand times... to me. 

I know the pattern, exactly how it starts. When I notice that, I try to explain to them that I know how it starts. They’re just not going to understand the answers to the questions they ask, it’s an endless cycle. 

They believe they’re different for some reason though, that they will be able to understand. Or that’s what it is on the surface. Really, I know they aren’t real and that they’re being controlled in a way to just enact conversations in a precise enough way to get to me. 

I’m speaking in material world  terms though.

They sometimes get offended when I insist they don’t understand.

when we eventually end up screaming at each other, because I gave into their persistence

and it plays out exactly how I knew it would

they say I don’t understand

then I point it out, they won’t understand. I’ve had this conversation many times before and you just won’t. 

but they still persist and it just goes on 

I forgotten how I started talking about all of this.

but yeah my boyfriend dumped me.

this is what I actually wanted but right now I’m still shocked. which is what happens.

I was a dick to him, and many other people. I’m surprised he stayed around  that long. since february. half a year.

I’ve gotten fat since then. I’ve become very ugly. I’ve been very mean, very ignorant and just yeah not a nice partner. 

also we never kissed lmao

never felt i could authentically go into kiss him

he did try once when we was at the door, but i turned my head and pretended to be looking at something. I pretended i didnt know.

honestly I prefer girls.  i wont go into why, its just really my personal whatever you want to call it.

It’s how I feel. I don’t like females. almost none of them. It is sexism. that is the definition of what I feel. i wont try to convince anyone to think the same, or act in any way other than avoidance. 

but after lots of observation i came to a conclusion. its a long winded one, and again, its something about me that I just know. I don’t have the feelings in words.

but yeah, I just dislike females. Almost all of them. 

the ones I don’t like i must objectively admit, I hold them on a pedestal because im sort of crushing on them. they’re no different, despite that fact though. 

i also struggle to talk to them. i also had a bad history with my mother and sisters.

you can blame it to that and i accept the possibility of it being down to that too. im not saying men are better (unless thats literally what im saying. its just sort of a stream of consciousness) 

anyway yeah

im attracted to girls more but i dislike females

so i dont persue them

and if i ever do, im too fucking shy 

like i cant make eye contact with them. im so chill around guys like my heart doesnt even race. im so authentic

but i just freeze and i dont know what to say

so yeah, i went for a boyfriend instead

yeah maybe sometimes im into that, but deep down its not a lot 

maybe just as one night stands. as relationships it doesnt work.

and i guess thats part of why it fucked. I wasnt inclined to put the effort in after the initial manic phase of me falling for him

 i like not using my phone. i ignore or dont even check messenger for days

i usually reply to my one main friend only, then ignore the rest. even that is around once every 4 hours at most. 

and in person i treated him as more as one of my friends, not even a main main one. just a casual.

I also snapped and got moody about various things everytime i was around him.

it just builds up, and tonight i was being very moody. trying to make sure things go my way, because i didnt want a personal project to go differently to how i planned. 

it meant alot but deep down. I wanted control

i felt like control was being taken from me, and that was one of my only forms of control. This is where I believe my ego is destroying my life(in one way), although idk how my ego comes into that.

i didnt want to admit that, even to myself

even though a part of me was acknowledging it at the time, while fearing i might continue to desire control

leading to psychotic breaks and a downward spiral in the years to come.

him and my main friend were taking the project into their own hands. scrapping my ideas for it, and replacing it with their ideas

they both agreed they was better ideas. im in denial but im making my self type, yes, they were better ideas than mine. 

i didnt want to admit that. i didnt like that fact. it was threatening, and if a concept like that can be threatening, i presume my ego is involved.

on another note, im going to meet an internet friend, the end of this month, were gonna do shrooms and acid.

sure ego death likely isnt that simple but its worth a mention.

also ego is releated to sense of self and distinction between things in the universe. im not looking for ego death, per se (maybe i am and im just unaware), i just want  to not care what people think and what way people might percieve me

so yeah. i was being moody and making sure my ideas were in there. while they insulted my plans together.

its not painful, but  i physically felt a sigh of sadness in my chest.

ive felt much worse though. especially last time my bf dumped me. the first time he did. we didnt speak for a week. he came back. i went through so much pain in that time, that when he called me back and got back with me. i just didnt care. i met him like once a month after that and ignored him. surprisingly he took his time (months after that) to dump me too.

I know there’s a lot of great features about me, but theyre far from the surface

so i dont know why people stay with me for that long. there are no reasons for them to stay with me, that they can see without being me.

there really really are plenty more fish in the sea. fish much better for them.

so again. its a relief this happened. As long as he doesnt come back and develop on this.

as long as it ends clean like this. its all good.

I need time to process shock right now. 

Also to truly acknowledge how I feel and just feel. 

then he’s gone. 

i dont have to worry about him. im also glad i got to use him for a project in time

needed him for something else but oh well. its not something he wanted to do though 

and i wasnt being very grateful, just more demanding of him doing it. 

we also had plans. me him and my main friend. but i didnt want him there because i just feel like its extra baggage. 

so i dont have to worry about that

he got me a birthday present for my soon coming birthday. 

idk what he plans to do with that but if its edible he can just eat it. if not, he has friends, they can have it. 

this made me think though.

its understandable why he did this. he chose to leave because ultimately i was creating an unpleasant experience for us both while not actively trying to make a pleasant one.

the reason my friend hasnt left though, is simply because he’s loyal enough to stay that long. we have a stronger bond and feeling of understanding with each other. weve known each other very long and done a lot together

but how long until it becomes too unpleasant for him. 

im aware i need to be kinder to him. i honestly dont feel i have the power to be nice when im in that state though

nobody on the outside can see that

its simply me being a dick

and whether meds are to blame or not, how long would he choose to be around that

he has plenty more options

and hes similar to me, he can just move on

i need to be more open to what he says

i need to let go of my desire for control 

i dont need him,

but i want him in my life 

to have him leave my life would be a huge change. hes the only reason i really stay in this country other than my doctors being here. 

i want to explore usa, just party and do lots of shit

but i have a perceivable future with him 

if he leaves i need to figure out a way to keep my health up, while in the US

change is an important part of my life. Change and adaptation. 

thats not what is holding me back from him leaving

but I do want the future, that involves me and him going far.

Whether he takes me along or not he is going far

and i dont want to just be a leech, I want to be there with him 

I also dont have anyone physically

that im as okay with as him

i dont want my mood swings to destroy friendship

im aware of it while its happening but i cant snap out of that.

its so strong. my exterior convinces my interior that i am right, therefore, i disagree wholly with him

when he’s almost always right

and its a shitty situation

i feel so strongly about it then, that this time i am definitely right. even though all the other times like this I was wrong

then later on, i reflect and realize he was right again while i had some hints of truth+logic but was wrong

how long is he going to put up with it? 

is it long enough for the meds to be tapered down enough for the mood swings to disappear.

if so, will our friendship be as strong and undamaged as it is now, on the way out.

it would be foolish to tell him tonight because its 4:30

its the emotional irrational time of night. 

but tomorrow i... i dont emotionally want to

but tomorrow i must tell him that im different on these meds

and i dont want to snap at him

im aware i do and that hes right

and most of all, i understand why my boyfriend left, and the reason my friend hasnt done so yet is because hes more loyal and connected to me

and that i dont want him, my friend, to leave. He has many valid reasons to, and im not the greatest friend

but i dont want him to leave. the others can leave. i dont give a shit and i havent for a very long time

but if any person is important to me, its him and my good health consultant.

not even family

just him 

family have been a hindrance more than a help

he’s the one truth

i dont know what that means

but i tried to type what he is quicker than  i could think as to be as honest as i could with myself.

hes the worthy one in this unreal universe. the one who can succeed. who deserves it. 

the one i want to succeed.

if i dont succeed, i want him to. whether i do or dont

if i die and lose everything

i want all my potential to go into him so he can use it for good.

i dont want to cause him to leave, and i must ask for his understanding and patience until im off the medicine

my personality and how i even feel placed in this world is so different

i was extremely dissociative off the medicine

and i know, off the medicine i will think/realize that the medicine is just used as a means to host me

make me the same as everyone else and stop me from thinking freely. its thought control

and thats the truth but ill be much more aware of it off the meds

like i literally just 

wow

extremely dissociated is all i can hope to say

you wouldnt get it unless you felt the level yourself

but on them

im like a moody, menstrual 15 year old girl

#personal #prais #ekek #sorry for defiling your name like that #boyfriend