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password-door-lock · 6 months

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Mystictober Day 24-- Mirror

There are no mirrors in the bunker.

There were, of course, when Saeran first arrived— he shattered the one in the living room by throwing a shoe at it shortly after Saeyoung abducted him from the hospital, and the bathroom mirror received similar treatment when Saeran's roots started to return in earnest. Saeyoung took this as a sign from the universe that the handheld mirror in the top drawer by the sink was also destined for the garbage heap, which, presumably, was where it ended up. It's been four months since that particular incident, and Saeran could probably look at his reflection on his phone if he really wanted to. It's not like he hasn't seen any pictures of himself— he knows that he would be confronted with even more of those red roots than the small hint of crimson that provoked him to destroy the bathroom mirror. But, then, he's no longer allowed to bleach his hair, and he doesn't care enough to bother with eyeliner, so what use does he have for his reflection? He wears the clothes that Saeyoung gives him with no regard for their aesthetic merits (or lack thereof).

Your apartment, however, is quite different. It is nothing short of a miracle that you persuaded Saeyoung to allow you to invite Saeran over for an unsupervised visit— he still doesn't know how you managed that, but he is grateful for the change of pace. It's clear that his brother trusts you, and having known you for several months now, Saeran can see why. Your place is cozy, full of muted colors and decorated with a seemingly random assortment of knickknacks. There are also mirrors everywhere: in the bathroom, in the bedroom, and, for some reason, in the closet where you keep your shoes and coats. Saeran can't understand why you like to look at yourself so much, but it’s not his place to judge. You’re giving him time away from the bunker, after all, and for that, he’s very grateful. Though he knows that his brother means well, Saeran feels somewhat suffocated, confined to that cramped, cluttered space with Saeyoung all the time.

Twenty minutes into his visit, you catch him staring at his reflection in the hall mirror. “I look like him,” is the only explanation he offers upon your approach.

It's striking how similar Saeran has become to his brother. Since leaving Magenta, not only have the red roots returned to his hair, but he's also put on a little bit of weight, making his face fill out slightly. The bags under his eyes are fainter, more like the ones that Saeyoung wears on account of his erratic sleep schedule than those that Saeran sported when he stayed awake working for days on end. It's as if the more time he spends in the bunker, the less he exists as an individual, and the more he melts into being Saeyoung's brother— not that Saeran ever really existed as an individual to begin with. Before this, he was just a part of Mint Eye; he has traded one set of walls for another, though at least he is no longer being lied to or manipulated.

You just shake your head at him as you assess his reflection in the mirror. “No,” you tell him firmly but kindly, “You look like you.”

Saeran rolls his eyes. “Obviously. It's what I look like.” He doesn't know why you would even bother to point out something so apparent.

You giggle. “Right.” Your smile is encouraging as you gesture at Saeran's reflection. “But what I mean is, you don't look that much like Saeyoung. I can still tell the difference, even if you are twins.”

Saeran snorts. “Because of my hair.” When his roots take over his head, will he no longer be himself? Will he exist exclusively as an extension of Saeyoung, the way he did when he was a child? Will he ever truly have the freedom to be his own person? Thoughts like this always make him feel guilty— after all, Saeyoung has given Saeran so much over the course of the past few months, going out of his way to transform the bunker into a relatively safe healing environment. Perhaps their fraternal relationship will always be complicated and strange, but they're still family, at the end of the day, and Saeran certainly doesn't hate his brother as he once did.

“No,” you assure him once again. “Your nose turns up more,” you explain, “And you have freckles on your forehead, but hardly any on your chin. I guess that's from going outside with a mask on, right? And your jawline is different, too, see? And your expressions aren’t the same as his, either— you don’t smile the same way. Trust me, I know.”

“You do know a lot about my face,” Saeran concedes. In fact, you’re almost as informed about his features as he is about yours, although he gathered the majority of his intelligence before he even met you, when he was trying to decide whether you’d be suitable for the infiltration mission. He doesn't understand why you would pay attention to all those details when you were oblivious enough to let him lure you into the apartment with the bomb, but maybe your experience with the RFA has made you more observant. There's no way that you like him, right? Someone as bright as you couldn't possibly see anything in anybody like him. You must just be trying to cheer him up.

“Anyway, of course you don't feel like yourself if you're wearing Saeyoung's old clothes,” you muse. “Why would he even have an argyle sweater? It's so ugly.”

Saeran’s lips quirk up a little bit at that. He likes how honest you are with him— everyone else seems to be walking on eggshells in his presence, afraid of setting him off, but you're bold enough to tell him the truth. “I think he wore it in college.” Saeyoung said something like that when he gave Saeran the sweater, though he didn't pay much attention to his brother's words at the time. His primary consideration was that this particular sweater was the best of the bunch— it might not be Saeran's style, but it doesn't look like it belongs in Saeyoung's wardrobe, either.

“Well, you need some clothes of your own,” you decide, “I guess Saeyoung must be worried about having things delivered to the bunker for you, since somebody could use it to figure out where you’re living— but I don't think anybody would even bat an eye if we had stuff delivered here. He's really looking out for you, you know? But I just wish he wouldn't try to do everything himself. Come on.” You hold your hand out, waiting for Saeran to take it, when you could easily just drag him away from the mirror. You're always giving him choices, always letting him take the world at his own pace. “Let's go shopping.” You must mean online— there's no way you would subject Saeran to a crowded in-person store.

“Okay,” Saeran says after a moment. He won’t pretend he’s not interested in finally getting some clothes of his own. Saeyoung will probably be over the moon when he finds out that he's getting his Longcat T-shirt back, too.

If you're put off by Saeran's refusal to take your hand as he follows you over to the couch, you don't mention it, electing instead to open your laptop and start chattering about the merits of various online shops. Saeran is glad to have somebody like you in his corner, he decides as he settles in beside you on the couch. You’re a good friend to have.

#Currently brainrotting over the complicated balance of life in the bunker immediately after secret 2 #Like that must be such an emotionally charged situation all around #mm_mystictober2023 #mystic messenger #mystic messenger drabble

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sadpanda · 24 days

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Happy Dannypocalypse to all who celebrate

#the 911 brainrot is currently taking over my life #but I will be back someday soon sweet prince #*insert dexters laboratory meme here*#danny phantom #dannypocalypse

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northernember · 1 year

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red queen taking place after the 6th mass extinction event has me so unhinged and feral like,,,

its about the underlying theme of being undone down to your base essentials and than remade entire by circumstances out of your control. its about stumbling out the other end, having miraculously survived the horrors done to you but being unable to recognize the person looking back.

its about how humanities hubris will always guide us down the same paths and corridors. how our base components and nature will always ripple across time even as the knowledge of those that came before us is lost.

and what of the great blood divide? how many times were those that bridged the gap unraveled and sewn back together by the massive amounts of radiation they were subjected to until they emerged with silver blood and abilities? How many succumbed to radiation sickness? How long did it take?

How long did humanity claw themselves across the ground of their forefathers failings before they learned how to walk again and how long until they repeat it?

i need to know of the calamities, i need to know what domino fell first. what happened afterwards, How the blood divide happened. Was the Silver’s creation violent and cruel? to mirror the natural, 1500 year evolution of the New bloods? were they made from those in poverty left to die to the radiation, to circumstances they had no control over but managed to somehow survive in spite of it? to mirror the Silvers treatment of Reds now?

was Cal’s arc the radiation? was it the explosion that shattered the windows and cracked the pavement? was it about the unmaking of everything youve ever known to pave a path for it to be remade for those who come after? was it feeling yourself come undone, feeling your dna unraveled, your cells torn apart and Surviving but seeing someone else staring back at you in the mirror? that the blood and ash is still on your hands but the person who stares back is not who you were before. he is scarred and scared but Better, kinder with gentle hands that will hold the world aloft, to help pave a way for those who can fix it, To fix it because he has Learned where his ideals and duty would have lead through his own unmaking.

was Maven’s arc the ruined cities? a place once full of joy and sorrow, of music fluttering through the windows, the smell of paint that clings to some people, the gentle noise of people typing as they write novels and essays and chat with their friends, of people walking and talking, of everything humanity was and now it is nothing more than a hollow city full of the echo of ghosts. A place left to decay and crumble beneath the tragedy brought by those that promised to protect it. A place that is seen as unsalvageable but only needs time to heal. Plants and vines climb up through the cracks, leaving a promise and echo that it Can heal. That it could have healed.

and was Mare’s arc the aftermath? was it the stubbornness and determination to stand on to shaky legs, to look out upon a world ripped apart and left in ruin and choosing to fix it, for yourself and for all those who will come after you? was it about pulling together a community left to die, to rebuild all that was lost, to heal the world and yourselves with gentle seeking hands and promising to do better? you came out bearing scars and cracks, searing memories of the terrible things done to you and choosing to take a trembling step forward even as the earths crust shakes beneath your will. You have had terrible things done to you time and time again but still you loved and still you chose to stand up on your own or reach for outstretched hands. You are scarred and you see yourself as unfixable but your community and family do not and they will give you the things you need and the time to patch yourself up until your tremors stop and your waters settle, until the sun is blanketed by your ozone and made gentle and kind again, until your raging storms become kind bouts of rain. They will wait for you to be okay again, and they know you will never be the same and they will love you through everything. They will stand with and beside you until the end of time. are you the aftermath of humanity or are you the earth’s embodiment?

#red queen #glass sword #kings cage #war storm #red queen series #mare barrow #cal calore #tiberias vii calore #maven calore #im feeling so so insane about this actually #completely consumed by the brainrot #the moment i heard about the calamities during my first read it was Over #this post is completely incoherent and nonsensical but by god #i have so many thoughts about the underlying theme of the calamities and the parallels they have to the current themes happening in rq #biting and clinging to whatever in hell went down 1500 years ago in the rq universe

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benkeibear · 3 months

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Sometimes I miss writing for tr and then I remember that I'm my own boss here and I can write whatever I want

#rhy speaks ♡#and then I proceed to write for my current hyperfixation #which isn't tr #I just have no one to giggle about it so I don't brainrot over it

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matchandelure · 20 days

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i fear that the undercover top secret government assassins are growing on me (cp9)

#I HAD ZERO THOUGHTS ABOUT THEM AT FIRST #IN FACT I WAS DEVASTATED THAT THE WATER 7 QUARTET WERE ACTUALLY CP9 #BUT THEN??????? I READ CP9'S INDEPENDENT REPORT AND. I!?!??!?@?!?#the thoughts are endless ive been having one piece dreams every night for the past few days and they have all been cp9 related the brainrot #is so bad. i am sodgjkadhg #i love one piece there are so many characters with each new arc i get to i get some new characters to obsess over i love it i feel so alive #ive been fighting tooth and nail avoiding spoilers for the latest episode BUT GOD IM SO SO TEMPTED TO. TAKE A PEEK #anyways last night i was once again doing a wiki deep dive and i found some silly things on cp9's pages #JABRA AND LUCCI ARE THE SAME HEIGHT!!!!! THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY #CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!?! the kid you've had beef with since he was 13 (maybe even earlier since lucci alreayd knew him when he was 6) who you #used to have a whole head over is now at eye level with you i would actually be so embarrased #KAKU IS FROM EAST BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS OS IMPORTANT ACTUALLY!! THE MOST IMPORATNT FACT EVER!!!!!!!!!!!#so he knows the strawhats are...also from the east blue right?!? right??????! and ik the wg steals these kids early on to train them so i #doubt he has lingering attachments to his home sea but i still think this so both so so sad and so important :'((#also not getting over how oda's depiction of tiny kaku has him holding a toy boat BC ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!?! ARE YOU K IDDING ME #kalifa and jabra's favourite dishes are both lamb based!!!!!!!!! silly because her animal motif is a sheep haha #BUT ALSO considering how her father was also cp9 and she's probably been conditioned since birth to also follow his footsteps and how jabra #holds seniority in the current lineup id like to think that these two have known each other a very long time and there were influences #the most dysfunctional fcked up family ever. cp9 #blueno and jabra are both from the north blue!!!!!!!!!!!!! and that one falshbakc we see that the two of them plus 6year old lucci trained #together but also it would be so fcked up if the two actually knew of each other before being roped into the governemnt #idk how the wg works do they just??? routinely scout around and pick up a bunch of kids ata time???? were jabra and blueno taken together??#also wondering if ... kalifa jabra and kumadori knew each other the longest as fellow agents or soemthing #i feel like im entertaining a gazillion thoughts all at once its so hard ot balance but we know both kalifa nad kumadori have #parents in the governemnt/assassin profession that also influenced them right #idk maybe one thing they can bond over #cp9 to me is just a fucked up family of some sort. they are not found family they are like some weird forged family where they were all #forced together and somehow made it work and they all love lucci and care for his wellbeing enough to raise all that money to get him to a #doctor and they cared about each other enough to get off enies lobby together without leaving anyone behind and they went cafe hopping and #shopping and bowling together and they all care for each other in their own way

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nat-of-personifs · 20 days

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look

The only lie Foundation has ever told her father is that she doesn’t remember his face.

He’s pale, from too little time spent in the sun and too much spent with her, with slicked-back hair streaked with gray. Gray eyes. Her own are brown from the dirt she’s hidden under, and her face is darker because of everything inside her, but gray is the color of her hair and her bones, which she knows from all the surgeries that made her forget the faces of everyone else. And the shadows under their eyes are both darker than the rest of them, except maybe his suit.

The blindfold is only for security, of course. Never mind that even if her lie was the truth, she’d be able to tell him apart from anyone else, and the other twelve, and her younger brother, in ways much deeper than skin and color, or even smell and voice and touch. But he insisted, and she supposes it’s a good reminder it will always be his job to know better.

The fabric is comforting, if itchy, if impossible to forget.

She never thought of him by his face anyway. He was simply cool, soothing, numbing any trace of guilt that might have fought its way to her conscious mind despite her induced amnesia. When he touches her, she can tell his lockpick fingers are stained with ink from all the paperwork he signs, or above ninety-eight point six degrees from their time on warm computer keyboards.

So why is his… colleague asking her to take off her blindfold?

It’s not an order. It’s not an order.

O5-10 is the keeper of her memories, and her first thought is that they’re presenting her with a test. She’s wondered what they–and everyone else–look like, of course; curiosity isn’t something she can make herself forget. But Archivists like them don’t last long. She’d quashed the worst of her speculation on that role long ago.

And then–wait.

She thinks she’s known them for… less than a decade, probably. She knows, from the time she’s spent inside their head, they were always too young for this. She knows, from the scalding passion she’d seen, that they were always too emotional to face everything she’s done.

This feels familiar.

That’s all she has to go off of, impressions left in her by everyone before them that acid didn’t eat away at. It makes sense, too, that they’d want her to remember their face once they were dead, as some kind of return for all the memories they’d held for her. Which would be illogical, since all her father would have to do would be to cut out an eye to make her forget again, but suicide isn’t usually any more rational than that.

She asks. She never lies to the thirteen, and that includes about her worries, when it’s not an order. It’s not an order.

Silence, and then they put a hand on the place where her blindfold’s tied and it’s, “Of course not. Do you feel it in our exchange?”

It’s hotter than usual, and it increases as they speak, extra conviction to convince her.

It’s hotter, but at its core, the same desire to protect, bathed in more blue than before. She wants to take off her labcoat.

She shakes her head.

“So what are you worried about?”

It’s such a ridiculous question, she’s able to finish thinking that before she remembers they’re one of the thirteen, and anything that sounds ridiculous from them is just sensibility that she doesn’t have the right memories to understand.

“It’s against protocol,” she says instead.

They pull their hand away from her blindfold. “I don’t think it’ll be an issue. You have a thousand other ways to identify me, and you deserve to know something like this about me when I know so much about you.”

A bit of green lances out from their feedline. Something from a previous affiliation she’s never been able to wipe out; it stings, badly, and she wants to scowl. She stays silent.

“Ira?“

“…I don’t know, mixer.”

“You don’t have to, of course. I just think it will be better this way.”

The exchange softens, and she feels its warmth in the sharp points of her fingernails. She wants to shake it away, or entrap it, rid herself of the temptation. Her father would be able to get rid of this with a touch.

He’d also advised her to comply with the others’ wishes, even when it wasn’t required.

“…Go ahead.”

It’s only for him, of course.

“You’re sure?”

Well, why would she say that if she wasn’t?

She nods.

When she makes no move to take it off herself, they grasp the bottom edge of her blindfold and pull it down for her, letting it fall to her neck and hang like an incredibly loose collar. She keeps her eyes on it for a few seconds before she dares to look first at their suit–as black as she remembers her father’s being, though without a red tie–and then at their hands–the nails painted blue–and then their face.

They’re smiling, to her surprise, and she musters one back. She’s fairly certain that’s what one’s supposed to do.

The warmth is still there, coiled around her heart, stopping it from hammering itself to death like she knows it’s what it would be doing otherwise, with the… adrenaline of looking into an Overseer’s face as if she were an equal, and the fear they’ll go the route of everyone else that locks up her bones sometimes. They’re smiling. They’re wearing glasses. Their blue hair is the brightest thing in her line of sight.

Their hair is blue.

Out of the thirteen, it does make the most sense, but she checks her impressions and it’s not familiar at all.

They have the shadows under their eyes and the pale(r) skin most of her own develop as side effects of their exchange, at least, and the suit is good. But the hair.

“It’s not… too big of a deal, is it?” They laugh; her smile seemed to have leeched any tension about this from their body. “Do you like what you see?”

And goosebumps rise on her arms at the movement of their mouth and jaw and chest, and all the muscles that are, functionally, the same to her own. It’s okay when they’re still, when she can evaluate them like a picture, but videos are never this vivid, and just–

They’re moving. She can see them moving.

“I do, mixer. Thank you.”

She’ll figure out if that’s a lie or not later.

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thesaltybuns · 2 years

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🌺Prince Robot IV from Saga🌺

#Before the arcane brainrot took over I was heavy into Saga #It's so good and drawing Prince has made me want to draw my favorite trio again #Seriously cannot recommend this book enough its soooo good #Saga #Saga Comic #Image Comics #Brian K Vaughn #Fiona Staples #space opera #Prince Robot IV #btw I'm still obsessed with saga and am currently waiting for the next volume to come out

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mobbertx · 10 days

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Re-do of tumblrina and da blorbos but 3 years later

Ah yes my blorbos, weird girl number one, weird girl number two and whatever the fuck that blond bitch from one piece has going on

#op #gakuen babysitters #i suppose theres a tmnt mention but dont think abt it too much i still have casey on the brain #almost 4 years of casey brainrot and idk if she'll ever leave #black leg sanji #maria inomata #i love weird women and pathetic men <3 #now pathetic weird girls are everything to me so you can tell im insane over casey and inomata #inomata's autistic swag and complete lack of understanding for current day social norms is so dear to me #and then we have casey and her adhd swag that has completelh bewitched me since i watched rottmnt #now you may ask what the hell did i see in sanji? i saw a pretty boy who loves cooking and was sold #then i found out he has So Many Issues and i fell in love #one piece #tmnt #my art

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gehtsis · 10 months

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your honor. they are friends ( :

#pokemon masters ex #rival silver #natural harmonia gropius #pokemon #been thinking about them recently.#silver and N specifically always held a special place in my heart and i can kind of see why #silver knows how its like to have a shitty dad #(even when said shitty dad is currently trying to take over the place as you speak)#and N doesn't seem to hold any ill will towards silver despite everything that he did (as far as i know)#and by looking at the quotes alone #silver seems to think likewise #oiiuuughhhh brainrot about pokemon characters.. what a life.

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poisoned-sugar11 · 2 months

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Of course you have red hair and are a god who is slowly coming to terms with what that means for you. Of how that makes people view you. Of how you're not mortal anymore, and maybe you never really were. You were chosen. You're better. You don't know why. People either envy or worship you. Some hate you for what you represent. Some hate you for how you were born. But it was never really your choice, was it? They think of you as stronger than you are. You know you can never live up to the ideas they have in their head. And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's good that you're not something great and terrible. But maybe sometimes you don't want to laugh it off and stay strong for the people who look up to you. Maybe you want to let your guard down. But no one actually knows what you are beyond your concept, now do they?

#poisoned sugar11 post #hi yeah im brainrotting over my own ocs currently and had to type this out yawusjsisisueiskkd

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trashlie · 1 year

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ILY FP 210, 211, 212

WOOOOOOOF I’ve been holding off on writing this post, because I wanted to wait for this whole “episode” to fully come out. Quimchee revealed they were all meant to happen in one episode, but SO MUCH was happening in the episode that it was too long to do as the one. I... kind of wish I hadn’t waited because now there is SO MUCH for me to cover, so I’m going to do my best to keep this organized and coherent.

No lie, these go up there in my top episodes, especially 212. I have a feeling I might have some different feelings than others on this one...? We’ll see, I’m keen to hear how all of you are thinking and feeling about it. To me, these episodes really encapsulate a good 80% of the plot that we’ve been dealing with, and there’s some good reveals in here that have been a LONG time coming. I think everything is set up now for the time skip to come, and especially after all the events that transpired this arc (remember how this all started out so many moons ago with Nol going to the company Christmas party? That feels like it was years ago to what is happening now!) I am BEYOND excited to see what the time skips have in store for us!

Anyway, before I start spoiling things, let’s get into it!

Well and truly, I love this arc! It’s really capture so much of the story this bigger story has centered on - the relationship between Nol and Kousuke. This isn’t the root of the story, of course, but it’s a significant portion of what we’ve come to read for, I think, and I cannot tell you how much I love seeing the characters verbally acknowledge things they’ve swept under a rug.

212 felt especially raw to me - Kousuke’s confessions are tragic in the way of too little too late, and the realization that Nol was never against him, that he was always on the same side, that they could have been an incredible team may come to haunt him. That acknowledgement of his that nobody really liked him - no one else but the one person he had demeaned and devalued until he was truly nobody - really hit me like a sucker punch. I truly thought these were truths Kousuke wouldn’t be able to reach until he lost more, like his job or his sense of self, but I guess we can argue that he’s lost a lot of his sense of self; from the moment he punched Nol, it’s clear that he’s dissociating. That also serves to tell us how important this moment is for Kousuke, what it means to him, what Nol means to him.

Now, I’ll be upright honest with you guys, because I think this is where the difference of opinions will come in. I really enjoy stories with this kind of element of hatred and care so intricately interlaced in family or friends. There’s something about this sense of care being overwritten by jealousy so scathing it mutates into resentment and hatred and loathing. The way these two feelings battle out, the way ugly emotions are so strong they come to eclipse any hope for warmth. Idk it’s intriguing to me, it creates a compelling story.

And in Kousuke’s case, it is! A running theory has been that Kousuke treats Shinae the way he does because he is, subconsciously, treating her how he wishes he’d treated Nol. As the story went on and Kousuke’s ugliness started to come out more and more and his paranoia began to consume him, I think it was probably difficult for many to find credence in this theory - that there was no way Kousuke could have cared about Nol and transferred it to Shinae when he treated Nol how he did but I’m still here for the theory. It’s just that Kousuke’s ugliness was so strong, overwhelming, it eclipsed anything else.

Now I’m not saying I think Kousuke loves Nol or thinks of him as a brother, but rather I think deep down, he understood they were connected. As a child, Nol was the only person who didn’t treat Kousuke like an object - like a puppet or rich vending machine or influence to be gained. But how could Kousuke allow himself to think so favorably of Nol when he was so deeply rooted in jealousy?

This is what I find especially intriguing about their dynamic. Something I talk about a lot is that Nol and Kousuke are both the products of abuse - Kousuke is the way he is due to neglect and manipulation, and in turn he took that out on Nol. I’ve seen people say Kousuke doesn’t make sense to them, but he DOES and this episode really drove that home and confirmed a lot of things I’d felt.

Kousuke’s treatment of Nol all stems from Rand and his affair. Let’s look at it from Kousuke’s perspective. He has a father who is never around, and when he is he’s busy and always puts his career first. He rarely joins them for family time, there’s a rift between him and his wife. All young Kousuke wants is for his father to spend time with him, to be around, to notice him. His mother tells him things - if he’s a good boy Father will pay attention; if he wants his father’s attention he needs to be just like him; if he wants Father to care to notice he must be exactly like him. But his mother also says other thing - that there’s someone else, money is being wired to someone. At school people murmur similar things.

All he wants is his father’s approval, his father’s pride, his father’s attention, his father’s time. He must not be good enough, yet. He must not matter, yet. He’ll make sure he does, though. He’ll do exactly what his mother says, he’ll buckle down just like she tells him, he’ll make sure to become the perfect son that his father can be proud of.

So you can understand, then, why the discovery that the murmurs are true, that there’s another family, would shatter him the way it did, why it remains a point of breaking for him even as an adult, why he never really reconciles his father’s affair. How is it that the man who has no time for him or their family, had enough time to create a second family? Why was he so undeserving of his time? Why was he so undeserving of his attention?

And it rooted deep inside him, right in the core of his foundation. This other boy who describes his father as someone who couldn’t possibly be the same man as his father - a funny man, a kind man. That is not the father Kousuke knows, so why does this other child know him? (Never mind that this child has also never met that version of his father.) It all stems from that: a craving for something he’s never received.

Kousuke’s whole speech about how there was only one kind, sweet, generous, funny person in his life was the very person he attacked and tore down hit me HARD. His admission of fear, that he ACTUALLY ADMITTED TO BEING SCARED, that he’ll never be good enough for Rand, that nothing he would ever do would make him worthy of his attention actually hurt. This is the kind of thing I’ve been wanting Kousuke to acknowledge and embrace, because it’s the one thing that has been fueling and propelling him. He doesn’t do this job because he’s passionate about it - he does it because he’s still vying for love and attention. He didn’t forsake his childhood because he was above it - he literally sacrificed it for his father. Regardless of what you think about Kousuke now, it has to be acknowledged that he, too, has suffered. And let’s not pretend that Yui truly believed that Kousuke could win Rand’s affection this way - it still feels like it was a game for her, a manipulation to turn him into someone she could use to get her way, a puppet if you will. It’s fucking sad to think that he gave up everything because he was so determined to earn his father’s love, that his love and attention was believed to be so conditional he had to make himself worthy of it.

“I hate you for making me aware this person exists. And I hate your face being a constant reminder of it.”

So many times, Kousuke has berated Nol for his playful, joking behavior, for seeming so lax and carefree. I’d always thought it was jealousy that he didn’t have that kind of life, that he wasn’t allowed it - and that probably is still a part of it - but now we know that when Yeonggi laughed and played around, he was a vision of a version of Rand Kousuke had never known, a spitting image of a man Kousuke didn’t even know could exist.

And as Nol points out, it was all for naught. All of Kousuke’s jealousy and his fear, tearing down Nol so that he could instead get to know that version of Rand. All of it was for naught, because who knows if that man even exists? It seems like only one person ever knew her, and who’s to know if she didn’t make him up. Kousuke has spent his entire life - sacrificed his childhood, accelerated himself through school, forsook any fun or leisure - on a quest for a man who probably doesn’t exist, for something he’ll never achieve. He spent his whole life tearing down someone innocent trying to get to something he’ll never have.

I really thought it would take for Kousuke to lose it all, to stumble in his career before he’d realize it, but here he is.

But on the other side of that, we have Nol. Nol, who also lost - and lost more than Kousuke did. Nol who was isolated and alienated, Nol who tried time and time again to reach out and create a connection, and was refused every time. Nol who suffered under Kousuke and Yui’s watch over and over. Nol, who despite it all, still tried to treat Kousuke well, still tried to give him a chance, still tried to reach out to him at his most desperate.

I think that really illustrates something important: an understanding that there is a reason for Kousuke’s behavior and his paranoia, where it comes from, but that reason doesn’t justify. I can acknowledge both that Kousuke absolutely is the product of his environment and that he has been an asshole about it lol. Idk I can admit that my intrigue in his has grown a LOT.

These episodes have just tapped into something so deep that I love about this series - that our experiences heavily color our interpersonal relationships, as well as our relationships with our own selves. Nol notes that he, too, suffered, he, too, lost, he has been alone and alienated and despite it all he still tried, and he still attempted to be a good person, in contrast to Kousuke who let his suffering turn him into an asshole. It was kind of a hard-to-read moment, because Nol spoke the truth, and as much as I feel for Kousuke, Nol is right. Because he never attempted to deal with those ugly feelings, because he never chose to face them, because he instead wore them as armor, it became his identity, he became an asshole through those experiences. Had there ever been a moment that he could have met Nol in the middle, that he could have put aside his jealousy, that he could have turned off his Rand blinders, he could have seen what Nol was able to see earlier and more clearly. And isn’t that sad? They could have been a great team, they could have had each others’ back in a world where no one else did, they could have been there for each other, but Kousuke couldn’t cross that line.

Again, I fully acknowledge that Kousuke is the way he is because of those experiences. I acknowledge that this is the wake up call he needed, that he was forced to finally reckon with the truth.

But I also worry what will come of Kousuke as a result of Rand’s arrival. Is he going to backpedal? Is this going to short-circuit something and push him to double down, or is it going to free him?

Kousuke has spent his entire life trying to earn Rand’s favor, to earn his attention. Everything he has done has been an angle to get closer to his father. Like, when you break it all down, that’s the sad, basic truth. He was a child who so desperately wanted his father’s attention that his life became about that. And here comes Rand, showing up when it looks like Kousuke is running away. Rand who never had time for him, Rand who didn’t shower him with warmth and affection.

Rand who showed up and wailed “My son” in response to Nol.

That whole scene honestly hurts me. Nol is hurt, Rand is anguished and horrified, and Kousuke? Kousuke finally witnessing his father show a fatherly side - and it wasn’t for him. And not only that but Rand might not even believe that Kousuke was trying to get help, that he attempted to get Nol up but couldn’t. And does it even matter when the truth is that Kousuke DID cause this? I can’t imagine it was his intention - I don’t think his mind went “punch Nol and he’ll fall over the railing” as much as Nol tried to leave and Kousuke reacted on that. But the point still stands: even if it wasn’t his intention, this is still ultimately his fault. Nol goaded him on and played a part, but Kousuke was the hand that acted.

I fear that this will ruin what little relationship Kousuke has with Rand - and it’s a fear because it means Kousuke could swing in two wholly opposite directions. Does he double-down and return to the side of his mother, the only family member who has made him feel like someone’s child? I don’t think he’s at the point where he can extricate himself from the family, as good as it would be. And I worry that if that’s the case, will he double back down on his treatment and resentment of Nol? For this one moment, he saw that they were equals, that they both had a broken, shitty relationship with Rand. And then Rand showed up, showing that paternal side Kousuke has longed for.

As much as I WANT Kousuke to hold on to that moment, I don’t know that he can. I think the cracks have formed and I think his fragile reality is crumbling faster, but I fear he’ll retreat back into the “comfort” of the world he knows.

Here’s the thing about Kousuke: on some level he knows. He knows that Yui isn’t great, he knows that she has done awful things, he knows that Nol did no wrong, he knows that Rand will probably never change. But these are such uncomfortable truths and he has spent his life propped up by a false reality. This was pointed out by AugmentedElle on reddit, but look at the difference in Kousuke’s flashbacks. Look at the memory in 210 vs 212. The flashback in 210 is the strongest, most vibrant memory we’ve yet seen. Ordinarily they’re in some kind of grey scale, or at least muted colors, sometimes with spot color like in Shinae’s. In Nol and Kousuke’s flashbacks thus far, we’ve seen those muted colors or alterations - Nessa’s face appearing scribbled out in Kousuke’s memories, just as in 212. The use of color suggests that the memory in 210 is, quite possibly, fabricated. It starts out with Kousuke dazed, unable to remember what just happened, and Yui comes in and tells him he won’t have to see that boy for a long time. It feels like something happened - that perhaps Kousuke did something (the huffing that parallels his huffing after he punches Nol in the current story) and blocked it out or whited out and Yui came in and gave him an iteration of the story. It’s the strongest memory because it didn’t come from him - because it was filled in and colored in by someone else. The whole time we’ve thought Nol had perhaps been pushed to the bring, that Kousuke instigated a fight and Nol snapped, but maybe it was never Nol. Maybe the whole time Kousuke has associated Nol with danger and violence - because he was wired to think that way. That whatever happened and lead to that moment was so traumatic he doesn’t have the real memory, and instead carries a fabrication.

And that is essentially the basis of Kousuke’s entire life. Regardless of intent, Yui does manipulate Kousuke. She says things knowing full-well the effect they’ll have. Consider that moment with Nol and Nessa vs Yui in Kousuke’s flashback in 212. He watches Nessa blow raspberries on Nol’s cheek, a warm and silly exchange full of so much love and care - and then he looks up at Yui, who wears her maternal mask, shadows falling eerie over her face. Doesn’t it feel so much like she set this up? Doesn’t it feel like she knew Nessa and Nol would be around? She fills his head with things like “the only way to get your father’s attention is to be just like him” and “we’re not like other families we’re so special” and “isn’t it just so wonderful that rand at least has enough time to eat with us”? That’s not vouching for Rand - that’s passive aggression towards Rand and creating an idea of who Rand is - that Rand unwittingly lives up to. Despite speaking of the affair in front Kousuke, she turns and tells him that “Your father values us too much, he would never do such a thing” - a blatant lie that only plays into that feeling Kousuke wears that he’s been cheated, that there exists a version of his father that has been denied to him. Nessa tells Nol that Rand was a kind, sweet, generous, funny man. Yui tells Kousuke that Rand is anything but funny and he has no time for jokes. Maybe both are true, but Nol’s unintentionally makes a point about how Yui speaks of Kousuke’s father, vs how Yui spoke of Nol’s father. Why would a parent speak ill of the other parent -- if not to make the child see them that way.

(She also tells him there’s nothing she hates more than people who don’t take things seriously, and well, look at how Kousuke came out.)

There’s a fragile cognitive dissonance between what Kousuke knows to be true - that is, the reality that has been shaped by his experiences and Yui’s manipulation - vs actual reality, and we’ve seen this a number of times when various events threaten that tentative balance. Kousuke at the club, angry and paranoid, is aware of what people really think of him. Deep down he knows people don’t see him as great, as an honorable gentleman. Deep down he knows he’s a selfish, judgmental asshole, but it doesn’t fit the fabricated reality he believes in, so it only comes out in his paranoia. He knows that Nol is like him, that he didn’t have the love Kousuke coveted, that he tried to get by quietly, but Kousuke’s fear and paranoia still thought of him as the boy who had earned the love that Kousuke couldn’t, and that made him a threat. He knows what kind of person Yui is and has tried to draw boundaries, but he’s still told her things about Nol that she could act on, because he knows what she is capable of. When people or events fracture that reality, he struggles and lashes out, because he needs that reality to keep it together, but it’s crumbling fast.

Between the phone call with Rand and the moment that Rand shows up on the scene - what is the state of Kousuke’s reality? Is it crumbling? Is he trying to stuff the crumbling rocks back into the foundation? Will he retreat to his mother, the only one who can keep the tint of his rose colored glasses or will he be forced to face reality for what it really is? I wish it would be the latter, but I just don’t know if he’s ready for it yet. I don’t know if he can face that which he’s run from this whole time just yet.

As for Nol, woooooooof. What a fucking NIGHT. To think - THIS IS HIS GODDAMN BIRTHDAY. On the one hand, I think, maybe this can give him some kind of peace. He’s finally gotten a piece of Kousuke’s mind, he finally knows how Kousuke sees him, what he thinks of him, and what motivated him all these years. Maybe with this knowledge, Nol will be able to walk away in peace. He doesn’t have to wonder anymore. He knows where he stands - and where he’s always stood - and I think he’s made it clear that he’s drawn his line. He is done, he is finished, with all of them. If Kousuke can find his way to the other side of the line, then good for him, but Nol has no intention of trying to bring him over anymore.

I do think there’s a lot of room for them to reconcile in the future - when Nol’s raw anger has maybe ebbed, when Kousuke has found himself and learned to stand on his own ground, rather than prop himself up by his fabricated reality. But they are far from there. I’ve said before that I had a feeling maybe we’ll see the three main characters reunite in the time skip as adults after having gone separate ways, and that feeling still lingers. Nol has made it clear that he still wants to get away - and frankly I think he needs to. I wish he’d say so much to his friends, I wish he’d tell them where they stand. I feel so bad for Shinae, who went through so much grief and angst and really put herself out there to bring him back, to get her closure - and then when she had it and was ready to let him go, he insisted on staying. For him to turn around and leave like that again, after everything she told him, after the ways she opened up to herself, god that must hurt a lot. I guess on the one hand, she got the closure she wanted but.... it wasn’t even that long ago that Nol was making jabs at Kousuke for abandoning his friends, and there he goes doing it a SECOND time.

There’s a piece I’d love to give more time and thought to - that maybe all along, on a deep, subconscious level, Kousuke feared Nol leaving and that’s why he’s always acted when Nol was on the leave. If Nol leaves he’ll be truly alone. If Nol goes, there is truly no one left who ever liked him, who ever saw any value in him. This post is already long enough, so I’ll try to spit that out later this week, if I can. I think it’s not a coincidence that Kousuke punched Nol as he was leaving, that he didn’t bring himself to do it when Nol promised he’d leave, just as he let Yui know Nol was planning to leave. Maybe he doesn’t recognize it yet, but I think Kousuke is terrified of being left alone and Nol escaping without him.

Like I said, more on that later, but it’s an important point that I think ties in really well with this relationship Kousuke has towards Nol. It’s complicated, fucked up, toxic, and messy, and it needs a LOT of untangling by professional help. But I do think these last episodes really set something up for Nol and Kousuke’s future - as much as there is so much resentment and anger between them, there’s a mutual sense of longing, of needing each other to fill a void: for Nol, he sought out a brother in Kousuke, a companion against the adults in their lives; for Kousuke, that knowledge that Nol, too, had suffered that neglect, and was the only person who had ever truly liked him. I think one day when that anger has died, when they’ve made peace and hopefully worked on themselves, when Kousuke has freed himself, I think there’s a chance they will be able to reconcile. Like I said, maybe they’ll never be family to each other; there’s so much damage there, it’s really possible that can never be undone. But I think at some point, at least, they will see themselves on the same side, rather than each other.

#I Love Yoo #ILY FP #ILY Spoilers #ILY Brainrot #Nol #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #Kousuke Hirahara #Rand #Yui Hirahara #one day I'll replace my Rand tag with his full name but I can never remember it #lol as you can see this is v v heavy on the brothers and their relationship with each other #i want to maybe do a post later where i point out little individual bits i've enjoyed in these episodes or little details that stuck out to #I REALLY want to write more about their dynamic as brothers but woooof we'll see if i wind up finding the time to write everything i want ;A #i just feel SO STRONGLY about this current arc it's EVERYTHING i've been waiting for and i just have so many thoughts that are all over the #place and it's sooooo had to wrangle them into one place!!!!!!!!!#(I think this is why I like when people send asks - it helps me concentrate on one point lol)#Basically I just have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the content quimchee is feeding us the insight into Kousuke i have been DESPERATE #for this part of Rand the continued hints to Yui and Kousuke's relationship #and yknow even if you don't like a character (at least for me personally) i can often still find empathy #and man i feel for Kousuke in this one #all these truths he's finally releasing all these fears he's facing and one that literally materializes in front of him????#holy shit that's gotta hurt ouchies for EVERYONE #CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS ALL ON NOL'S BIRTHDAY?!#CAN YOU BELIEVE HIS LAST NIGHT BEFORE PRISON HIS FUCKING BIRTHDAY IS GOING DOWN LIKE THIS?!#jesus CHRIST #ILY Commentary

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