#cant stress enough how literal thus us

[simonstamenovic]

#cant stress enough how literal thus us #the library at mount char #heartbeats #.png #or... #.psd

[uselessheretic]

Lmao "how dare you not make fanworks of this canon bland wholesome couple with no conflict between them and no major personal flaws, you must be ableist" or the other acussation which is that you hate bald men (??? These people are shipping Lucius and his dumb sideburns and Izzy who's also not what you'd call traditionally hot??? Why would they balk at bald????). Lucius/Pete is just boring for the popular fic tropes. Like I have yet to see one person say they dislike them in canon! But there's what's good and enjoyable to see on screen as a background pairing, and there's what's going to get its claws deep enough into the brains of people who do transformative fandom to compell them to write fic about it. These two do not provide the correct brainworms.

Izzy is sort of catnip for fanfic writers which I called as soon as the oooh daddy Thing happened. He's a mess and so are all of his possible relationships (also kinky on main without wanting to be kinky on main) but at the same time if you go the "if you touch him right he melts" or "if someone railed him he'd calm down" route it's also believable, bc he's a mess, so you dont have to commit to a 60K angst fest to fix his life or make it worse either. Fandom bicycle pathetic little meow meow.

It's also why so much Blackbonnet content is about their reunion when it's not pure fluff or a pwp, it's the closest bit of relationship drama that has to be resolved (even if you flatten them into uwu cinnamon roll non-pirates and thus ignore any other issues they'd need to work on to make their relationship not implode, you still have this fight to resolve! If you dont do that both of them have so much shit to work on to survive past the honeymoon phase and get better as people together that you do probably need like 70K of fic, maybe a series. This is why they're the central relationship in canon lol. Given the Steddyhands fic Ive read it seems to me to have hit bc if you put Izzy in that mix it's so volatile they HAVE to talk shit out they cant just ignore their problems for 48 chapters without Izzy leaving or dying of stress??)

Cant comment on how the actors being hot factors here bc im too ace to tell when none of them are like. Hollywood Hot/a model?? They're too normal people I could see on the street in real life to like. Rank.

it's just silly because this keeps popping up about the canon pairings as if izzy's going to steal their spot and it's like?? that is not a threat?? i'm trying to not be too heavy on ship hate or whatever but iont even like Lucius/Pete as a pair, but ik they're gonna stay canon and i hope they do bc lots of people enjoy them! but otherwise fandom's just a lil sandbox for me to play in and i wanna see izzy kiss ppl.

i think the "this is problematic" discourse is funny though because i think people are struggling to find a way to make it more woke when both ships are literally white m/m with not much else. you can't even argue a problematic age gap since izzy and pete's actors are only 4 years apart. (lucius confirmed for on a dilf hunt btw) so you just get stuck with "conventionally attractive" which i stg is discourse that only ever happens around white men. (tbf i think people are super out of pocket when they say a poc isn't conventionally attractive. like someone said taika was unconventionally attractive once and like dude. taika is hot in a very like traditionally handsome way??)

and then it's odd because i feel like it's like?? kinda an appropriation of the language used when talking about the racial biases people have against characters of color in fandom. it is an issue when character of color are sidelined or erased in favor of white characters. or sometimes people just? erase canon aspects of characters/pairings to make them flatter than they actually are. like people call jim/olu a fluffy low stress ship, but they're not? their meet cute is a murder and they have ups and downs with separations and communication issues. i do legit think if they were two skinny white cis men that people would be more on them with writing angst and other drama, but :/

either way that concept's being stretched too far where people keep talking about ships where izzy usually just replaces another white guy so what does it matter. even if people wanted the pair to breakup in canon and be replaced with izzy it like... doesn't matter? representation isn't being lost? who cares lol.

i think maybe people just need to work on their propaganda or smth tbh like i didn't find con oneil hot at first and im p sure i got brainwashed into being super into him by fandom. maybe people need to stop complaining about pete being bald and just start talking about wanting to slap him on his bald ass head while topping him and get the tumblr girlies in on the action

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

sometimes (well, it's almost all of the time nowadays) it feels super exhausting being someone who's super closed off. there are times when i do want to vent abt stuff, but cannot, because:

1. the problem is too confidential in nature, and thus i cant just spill it casually to others

2. the problem is too complicated that not explaining everything in detail will make the person i'm talking to misunderstand and draw the wrong conclusions, but having to explain every little thing is also exhausting. my problems tend to get tangled and influence one another instead of being fully separate, so there are also times where said problem needs to be explained in great detail to be able to get full context, but there are also some part of the problem that are confidential so i cant talk abt it and thus making the other person not have the full context, which in turn just makes me frustrated

3. idk if i just happen to stumble upon shitty ppl or anything, but sometimes i get the impression that ppl consider me very passive and incapable. if i talk abt a problem, i always get recommended simple solutions that i either have tried with no result (or sometimes even worsen the problem), or not possible to try for whatever reasons. but if i tell them that they will either come up with reasons on why i should have done this or shouldnt have done that (stuff like "well u should have done xxx back then to avoid this problem" or "thats ur own fault, why did u even pick xxx/do xxx, did u not think of the consequences", or if i say i cannot do this and that bc of reasons, i get responses like "stop making excuses" or "well, life is hard. nobody told u life will be easy" or smth similar. this is very frustrating when it comes from ppl whose circumstances are obviously easier than mine, but it pisses me off when it comes from someone whose circumstances are similar to mine, but they managed to get out of it out of pure luck. it comes across as really annoying bc like. u went thru the exact same thing as me. i have seen u break down over this. now that ur out of the situation (with pure luck, mind u, not bc of their own effort(not saying they put zero effort, but effort alone wont be enough to get them out of the situation)), u look down on those who are in the same place as u in the past? this is, like, the kind of person i really have a hard time respecting. u literally reacted similarly to us when u were still stuck here, but after ur done with it... u look down on us??? same reason why "i was so cringy back during my teenage years" rubs me the wrong way, bc i believe u should have compassion for ur past self, not mock them, but especially u shouldnt mock current teenagers bc they remind u of ur own behaviour in the past. even if said behavior is immature... well, u literally werent an adult at that time so give urself some grace pls. esp bc ur disgust towards ur past self already extends to shitty behavior towards other ppl. (to clarify, i am an adult, so no, this is not a teenage complaining abt the way adults treat them (altho i support their right to vent abt shitty treatment from adults as well)). like, okay, i wont tell ppl what to believe and how to think so i wont bring it up to these types of adults, but as soon as that mindset makes them treat anyone who reminds them of their past self badly... then thats a different story

for example (not the problem im stressed out about; just an example): i complain about not being able to get a job. they say "well u should have looked harder for job vacancies", then i say i have applied to 100+ vacancies and none accepted me. they say "u should have honed ur skills, nobody wants an unskilled worker", then i say "i did hone my skills, i was ambitious before graduating uni, but all those hard work led me to serious burnout, which is why u only see me 'lazing around' (resting) nowadays". they say "well thats ur own fault then. who told u to overwork urself". bonus point if they were the exact person who told me to use my time before graduating to get as much experience and skill as possible so i can compete with countless others and get a decent job. but i know for sure they will also blame me if i wasnt ambitious and honored my own limitations back in the day (turns out i've been living in hard mode since i was undiagnosed neurodivergent, ha!)

but even if i was diagnosed, i will still get blamed for not standing up for myself. really annoys me bc aside from the notion that disabled ppl has to go above and beyond just for accomodation... i did try to advocate for myself. multiple times. which led me to the conclusion that nobody cares no matter how nice i phrase my requests. i will end up at the same position anyway. so i really hate ppl who always assume i havent tried every single method at my disposal

i think the problem is... i feel like deep down they already have a preconceived notion about the whole mess being my own fault. so no matter what explanation i give them, they always respond with things i could have done (or should not have done, according to them) without taking into account the specific circumstances at that time that led me into making those decisions

4. difference of value. there are also times when the person i talk to is supportive, but then they give support/advice that differs a lot from my value, so i cant execute the advice. in this case i usually also feel bad bc i feel like i'm not appreciating their genuine support by not heeding their advice

simply put, lots of those experiences have made it hard for me to trust others enough to vent seriously. i feel like i get super wary of possibly receiving invalidating responses. but at the same time, it's kind of exhausting. sometimes i think abt whether im the one who is too picky abt the response i hope to get and thus just sabotage myself regarding receiving support, but like. i generally dont feel safe enough to vent abt stuff unless i know i can launch long ass rants and not get invalidated, but also... ngl, the length of those rants also usually make me wary of the other person finally snapping and accuse me of only complaining without attempting to remedy the issue. but it's really, really exhausting. i wish i can just vent freely without my defensive walls anticipating invalidating responses, but unfortunately that's my reality. i only have the courage to vent abt general stuff like this instead of the specific problems im dealing with, simply because in abstract vents ppl can just sympathize, while in more specific vents... lots of ppl immediately go to problem solving mode? and for some reason my request to only be heard, not given advice... usually get disregarded under the guise of caring for me? while they go on and ignore the part of my vent where i told them i already did what they're suggesting me to do?

also, tbh the main point i'm venting about is the exhaustion of not being able to find the ideal person to vent to (even though i do know my criteria for ideal vent person is... quite a lot). i'm wary of getting invalidated, but not being able to vent is also exhausting. also, as u can see... my way of venting is so all over the place that most ppl wont be able to comprehend what im talking abt, which can hurt a lot esp when im feeling shper vulnerable. so when im vulnerable i tend to not interact with ppl

Hi anon,

I'm sorry about what you've been through. It can definitely be hard to vent when the problem is either too personal to share, requires a lot of context, the person you vent to gives bad advice even if they've been in a similar situation, or doesn't consider your values. It makes sense to find it exhausting to have many experiences of people mishandling what you want to get off your chest.

Unfortunately I don't think many people in general realize that not everyone is asking for advice when they vent about something, and it's important for them to listen for a question like "What can I do about this?" as a cue to give advice. Many people may not have experience or education about giving advice and actively listening which could explain why some have made dismissive comments towards you like "life isn't easy". It's hard because even the people who you could say are dedicated to listening and responding to vents (therapists) aren't perfect and can dispense advice unsolicited, despite their training. So please know that it's valid to feel wary of venting, not knowing how someone might respond.

We try to pay close attention to what someone is asking of us, whether it's support, advice, validation, or if they just want to vent. When it's the latter, I try to avoid advice as much as possible and just focus on active listening and validation. I hope that I could help make you feel heard, and please know that we're here if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse

[a-dragons-journal]

hi idk if youre the one to ask for this but like: how do you deal when people call you gatekeepy and keeping saying that you're wrong and they're right when you try and and correct information (kin being voluntary)? i cant deal with stress very well but it's also very hard for me to not try and correct any wrong information. do you habe any tips/recommendations? -☆🌕

My advice comes in two parts here, I think, so it’s gonna be a long post and is thus gonna mostly go under a cut.

Part one: Conflict Management

Conflict management skills are a blessing, if you haven’t taken a conflict management course then go find one and take it. It may be that you’re coming off as aggressive without meaning to, or are doing something else that’s making the conversation shut down - that’s easy to do over the Internet, especially on a hot-button topic like this. The crash course version of the conflict management skills I learned from one (1) lecture series that have saved my tail many, many times, below the cut:

Never assume malice where ignorance will suffice, which is one I try to just live by

Be Stubbornly Kind, or at least Stubbornly Polite, if you want the discussion/debate to continue

Use "I" statements, not "you" statements (ie "I feel like there's a misunderstanding here" is going to get people a lot less defensive than "you're misunderstanding me" despite fundamentally saying the same thing)

Defining terms at the start of a conversation is key to make sure everyone's talking about the same thing and miscommunications aren't happening. (Or when they come up, or when you realize you may be meaning different things with the same word)

Sympathetic, appeasing, and even apologetic language can be unbelievably useful in deflating anger before it has a chance to ruin a discussion. Phrases like “I think I wasn’t clear enough about that, sorry!”, “in my opinion, and you’re free to disagree with me, [subjective opinion]”, “in my experience,” “Am I making sense?”, and “I definitely appreciate the concern for [x]!” The only downside to this is that it can come off as passive-aggressive or condescending if overdone. All things in moderation and all that. (A very light, careful amount of humor may also help defuse anger.)

Pick out anything you agree with and point out that you agree with them on it. Literally anything. The smallest shred of a statement that you share common ground on. Anything you agree with them on, state clearly that you agree with it. This both shows that you’re not arguing for the sake of arguing (and thus makes them less defensive) and keeps you both from not continuing to argue about a thing that you actually agree on, so you can focus on the things you disagree on.

Ask clarifying questions. If you’re confused as to why a person would make an argument, don’t be afraid to ask “Do you mind if I ask you to clarify what you mean by that?” or something similar.

Rephrase their points back to them if you’re starting to get lost. This basically just ensures that you’re not misunderstanding them - and it tells them that you are listening and paying attention to what they’re saying. The phrase “If I’m understanding you correctly, and please correct me if I’m not, [rephrase]” is an underrated tool.

All of these will help aid communication by a) making sure that you’re not misunderstanding each other and b) keeping tensions lower and preventing everyone involved from getting angry/frustrated/defensive.

Part Two: When Conflict Management Fails

The reality is, after a certain point, all you can do is present information and let people do with it what they will. You can make logical arguments against logical arguments, but if someone is just flat-out disagreeing with you about the definition of a word and won’t budge on that, there’s sometimes not a whole lot you can do to change their mind. You can present your arguments and evidence as to why it’s factually wrong, why it’s harmful to keep perpetuating that, and why “this word has a definition” is not gatekeeping, but there comes a point where the argument becomes a circle with no end in sight. At that point you just kind of have to step away before it starts doing more harm than good.

You have to find your boundaries for how much argument you’re willing/able to deal with, and draw a line in the sand - not for others, but for yourself, to tell yourself when to step away - in advance, so you don’t have to make that decision in the moment.

Me personally, my line in the sand is pretty far out, because debate and intellectual discourse generally do more to stimulate me than to stress me out. That’s why I can run the antikin-and-misinformation-addressing sideblog I have in a healthy way - and it’s why I don’t recommend most people try to do that, because I’m the odd one out on that. But I made an agreement with myself when I started that blog that the day it actually started to cause me stress would be the day I put it down and never went back. The line in the sand exists, it just isn’t publicly visible because if I even get close to crossing it, I step away before I can do or say something I’ll regret.

And I’ll let you in on an open secret - as someone who runs a blog specifically to interact with those kinds of posts, the point is rarely actually to convince them to change their mind. People hit a point where they’re so adamant about their point of view that they refuse to even listen to any arguments to the contrary. The point is usually to make your viewpoint visible to the third party onlookers who haven’t made up their minds that strongly yet.

(And in an effort to try to avoid becoming that myself, and to facilitate communication, one of the other reasons I have those conversations is less to convince the other side and more to understand them - if they genuinely have an argument I can’t dismantle, I want to know what it is so I can look it over and see if it warrants changing my opinion on a subject.)

If you can’t handle the arguments, and you can’t make yourself let it lie, the answer may be that you need to leave that social space entirely or block those individuals - the block button exists for a reason. Which may sound harsh, but blocking really isn’t as big a deal as people make it out to be these days - you curate your own experience, and that’s a key part of that. Your mental health is the most important thing.

That was probably a longer answer than you were bargaining for, but I hope it helps at least somewhat.

#conflict management lessons with Rani today apparently #otherkin #rani talks #asked and answered #rani gives advice now i gues #anonymous #conflict management

[og-danny-dorito]

[ Tanjiro Headcanons To Fuel The Fluff/Angst Tank ]

He Is Baby™ thank you very much and i love him with my whole heart

- hi hello i would like to share my thoughts on this baby cause i love him v much

- he gives me the vibe that he would def love anything strawberry related. like strawberry milk, strawberry shortcake, strawberry yogurt- the list goes ON

- he would eat them more often if they weren't so godamn expensive, and most of the time you can only find those kinds of products when in the city and he mostly travels through the woods rather than through heavily populated areas. he does get them when he can though, and usually has some stocked up when he and nezuko leave rural areas

- thats not the only fruit he likes though! hes also a huge fan of cherries but he gets those even less since they're even MORE expensive. he also very much likes mint chocolate chip icecream! something about the clash of dark chocolate and refreshing mint is just so good to him, and usually he’ll try to look for that specific flavor if theres any icecream places nearby. my basis for that?

- thankfully though he doesnt really buy things from others since he just gets most of his food from the surrounding forest. you see, tanjiro literally lived in the woodlands for most of his early life before the whole 'incident', so hes accustomed to being more of a hunter-gatherer when it comes to those sorts of things

- he knows a whole bunch of stuff about forest plants and topography for that reason specifically, and can make food out of pretty much nothing due to having to go through some rough winter times that required scavenging

- overall though hes a pretty good cook! his father and mother both liked to cook and bake and all that before they died, and, being eager to help and learn, he usually watched them when they did or asked to help with preparing the food

- he actually probably has a lot of domestic skills, now that i think about it. things like sewing up ripped clothing or repairing damaged items are almost muscle memory to him since he was raised to value what he had and not aimlessly spend his money due to his humble beginnings

- he’s actually more comfortable with simple things rather than lavish ones since thats what he grew up with. being a demon slayer means that he does get commissioned to do things sometimes or paid for it, but he usually gives most of his money to poeple who need it after spending some of what he has on more efficient and useful things like better fabric for clothes and repairs for things that he doesn't have the skill set to fix himself

- due to this humble attitude he has for things, he barely ever really treats himself to things he enjoys. he usually puts others before himself and thus forgets about his own needs, leading him to often deny taking care of himself if he deems to 'not have enough time' or 'not being important enough”

- usually forcing him to sit down and eat or at least take a moment to drink some tea can calm his nerves a ton, even if its only just for a second

- i'm pretty sure that his favorite drink is green tea (or strawberry milk), actually. its just so naturally calming and relaxing that he usually uses it as a staple for calming himself down or taking a breather from the stressful life he's lead so far

- for someone that barely takes care of himself hes awfully adamant about others taking acare of themselves. oh, you haven't slept in three days because of work? guess what you're going to sleep right now. no, dont Mention how he keeps moving even though he should be in bed because of a broken rib, your needs come first now go to sleep

- deeefinitely the mom friend type in more ways then one. its p obvious that he already takes care of Nezuko, Zenitsu and Inosuke as good friends of his, but hes kinda adamant on taking care of them almost like they're younger than him or something. this doesnt mean that they can’t take care of themselves of course, he just kinda feels the natural instinct to protect people he values if he can (mainly due to the fear that he’ll suddenly loose them without making it clear he cares about them first but we will unpack that suitcase LATER in the list)

-for that reason i can safely say that he's probably fantastic with kids because of his gentle nature. hes just so soft and pure that children naturally feel calm around him? its weird how like a baby will literally stop crying in a city full of people just because they saw tanjiro wave and smile at them and as SOON as hes out of eyesight they start crying again. also tanjiro holding a baby? you CANNOT tell me this man wouldnt softly sing some lullaby he remembers from his childhood to a child cradled in his arms, fast asleep. and the smile he gives to the person who finds him like that is BLINDING i cannot comprehend the purity-

-the EXACT same thing goes for animals. its straight up canon that he understands (to an extent) what birds are saying when they're chirping to one another, so its probably safe to assume that he might understand a little bit of what other animals may be saying when they communicate

- yet another effect of living in the forest most of his life and being way too observant at his age :p

- when dogs bark he responds to them out of instinct, knowing what they mean. when some pig just randomly snorts at him don't be surprised when he just says "oh, thank you!" in the most earnest tone possible because he probably knows what the animal said and is responding to it honestly. answering like he's pretending to know what it means would be dishonest, and thats too out of character for the sunshine boy

-its also gotta be mentioned that tanjiro physically rejects the concept of being dishonest. i swear to god I'm not making this up- when hes lying its so easy to tell because his face is physically rejecting the concept that hes not being sincere

-this goes for pretty much anything- he cant really blatantly lie without shifting in place or making a weird expression. its no expection that when asked about his feelings that he can barely keep a straight face by saying that he's "okay"

-theres just so much pent up grief and sorrow for so many things that its hard to really say that he's "just fine" or "alright" some days. the accumulation of trauma and guilt has lead up to this constant dread boiling in the pit of his stomach that he'll fail one day, and this would've been all for nothing

-he'll die one day without his goals being met, without Nezuko being healed, without his friends safe, without so many things that he thought he could fix that will eat him up until he fixes them. he doesn't have frequent depressive episodes all that often anymore since Sakonji helped him with that (kind of, it was kind of a group effort by his other superiors, the Pillars, too with some reassurance and advice since a good portion have Been There Done That with the survivor’s guilt and the like) in terms of teaching him how to meditate more frequently and search for positive outlets for his negative feelings. he helped him accept that it was okay to feel bad about it, but he couldn't give up, no matter what. because “What worth was your dream if you just gave up in the end?”

-and so he doesn't. he never gives up, on anything. he refuses to give up when his friends are in danger and the odds are against him, or when hes face to face with an eldritch demon who's been alive longer than the numbers he can count. tanjiro is incredibly persistent in his efforts, big or small, and makes a conscious decision every time to not abandon what he worked for because the phrase "What worth was your dream if you just gave up in the end?" motivates him to be better than who he was yesterday and try his best to reach his dreams

- because of this he's a heavy believer that most people can change. i say most because I'm pretty sure he knows Muzan will never change, or some of the other terrible people in the world. he's accepted over time that he can’t help everyone, but he'll be damned if he doesn't try his hardest in figuring ot if they are truly, genuinely, capable of being better. so he's incredibly supportive of people who actually do make efforts to improve themselves because he knows how hard it is to come from such a bad situation/bad mindset and reteach good values and habits

- that doesn't mean that poeple are expempt from their punishments of course- everyone deserves the consequences of their actions to be better to know what to improve on, but he has sympathy for the poeple who's consequences stop their lives short (example, countless demons that he feels terrible for because they came from really bad situations)

-since he knows how hard it is to improve on anything- he’s very very supportive to people who do that for themselves or for others. in fact, he would go out of his way for about anyone to make their life a little better but if he sees someone struggling their way to their personal best he'll happily be a help to them in any way that they can. oh, you were training really hard today and had no success in perfecting a certain technique? its alright, you can just lay down right now while he fixes your bath water and tomorrow he'll help you out with it in any way he can. hes the best cheerleader!

-overall tanjiro is very sweet and kind, even though he has personal problems with his own demons and feeling as if he's a burden most of the time. for all this suffering, he views the prosperity of the people around him worth it and is selfless to the end of the line for those whom he cares about

[ ~Thank You For Reading!~ ]

#tanjiro #tanjiro kamado #tanjiro headcanon #tanjiro headcanons #tanjiro imagine #tanjiro imagines #demon slayer #demon slayer tanjiro #demon slayer headcanon #demon slayer headcanons #demon slayer imagine #demon slayer imagines #kimetsu no yaiba #KNY #kny headcanon #kny headcanons #kny imagine #kny imagines #water breathing

[mollydollyjournals]

Maybe I need to just like. Scream. Loudly. For a few hours.

My concentration is still so bad I'm barely getting anywhere with this same set of nails. Still. I'm trying to keep working on it but my mind is just not doing it because I feel constantly on edge. This is day 3. One set of nails! Jesus they're not that good. I take a long time to do most things but my mind is really just not functioning.

I'm feeling really particularly isolated again. I have nothing to say that might be of interest to anyone else. I dont really even know how to respond to the small amount of interaction I do get. A friend has started being more talkative in our group chat and sent me a message asking for some info on nail art techniques - maybe I'm being self centred but I feel like it could at least partially be an effort to get me talking. If so I appreciate it. But I still dont really have anything to say beyond quick surface responses.

My mum asked if I'm going to see her this weekend. I wouldn't on Sundays because she has a zoom call with relatives I dont want to talk to. It occurred to me that saturday is tomorrow. Part of me wants to go to hers and drink red wine and just connect with someone. The one person who's almost always had my back, or at least has never seriously intentionally opposed me. I want to go see my dog and my kitten and tell her that actually I'm doing pretty bad, I'll probably be divorced by xmas and sometimes I hear things that arent particularly confusing or distressing but they're definitely not real.

But that's not how it works in our dynamic. She had a serious psychotic episode when I was a teenager, and I took care of it all. My younger brother has ongoing psychosis. It's in our family. If I say I hear things she'll only panic. My doctor knows so it's not a secret - if theres one thing I learned from both of their cases, it's not to stay in denial. But theres no point telling her. And the divorce stuff? She'll internalise it. One of her children is dead, one is an ongoing psychiatric case with not much of a future because he's also actually a pretty terrible person, and the last one is me. She feels bad enough because her "marriage failed," which is a weird phrase her generation seem to use. She told me before not to date other people in case it hurts my "marriage." She'll think it's that, and start spiralling about her history with my dad and the one guy she's dated since they divorced. She won't believe me and hb were fine having other relationships and the issues arent to do with that, and I dont have the energy to talk through her stuff again.

Maybe it's getting to me more than I think. It's not like I didnt know this shitstorm was coming. But now it advances. Like I heard the forecast before, but now I can see it on the horizon. Now I have to really truly consider moving out of the house and splitting up the cats and whatever else. Thinking about it, maybe i should talk to my mum. Itll almost definitely be her I move in with if it all goes through. But then maybe I should only talk about it if I'm sure.

I dont know. I'm jealous of everyone with good parental relationships. I still havent even texted my dad for his birthday. I guess I should do that. I kind of miss when all 4 of us go back to my dad's house for drinks, us and my half brother. But that's not going to happen for a long time yet, for all kinds of reasons. Maybe it never will again. I'm catastrophising I guess. But it's hard not to with the current track record. I just feel like there isnt any evidence of positive things. Really, truly. The best thing that's happened to me recently is I sent the rented carpet cleaner off and then saw that my cat did a big healthy shit in the middle of the carpet. I have to be happy about that because it means hes not losing his guts to diarrhea and vomiting like he was before. But I still have to deal with a hygienic nightmare and probably a stressed cat picking up on my mental state. And I still have to gauge the whole situation based on a literal pile of shit.

I feel like thinking positive is just kidding myself and giving into my genetic tendency towards psychosis. If I'm going to convince myself of something that isnt real in order to make myself feel better, why not lose myself in a fantasy entirely? I should just build an entire world where everything is okay and lock myself away in it. Why stop at just telling myself that this one bad thing or another won't happen.

I try my best to stay grounded in reality to avoid ending up in that kind of mental state. But reality is fucking tiring. I know my life isnt the worst in the world by far, I dont mean that. But we're all going through some extra shit these past couple of years. I struggle not to take that on too. Not that it even helps. We had a mass shooting here today and I'm thinking about the people who thought they were safe because they live in England where firearms are extremely rare, the parents of the child who died, the people living in that area who will feel so unsafe now, and all the pro-gun lobbyists in the US who will use this as a reasoning that gun control doesn't work thus keeping millions of other people at risk as long as those laws dont change. But god. I would be dead many times over if guns were as easy to buy here as they are over there.

And then I think about all the people that have been lost to situations like that. I'm multiracial and have family in multiple different places - I was always raised with the idea that you dont stop caring about people just because they're not in the same country as you. And it's true, you shouldnt. But I've internalised a lot of it as fear and sorrow and idk what else. Just bad feelings. Feeling like the world is such a terrible place, that I cant deal with my own suffering, and that if I can't deal with that then what about the people who have it worse? What can I do??

What can I do for anyone when I cant even paint a single set of nails?

I'm sure of all kinds of bad things happening. I dont want to be. Some of them I couldnt prove, so maybe it's just my mind. Many look likely. I dont know how to deal. I am all the worst parts of each of my parents and this is the result. I wish therapy was more of a thing last century. They should never have had kids. My older brother got off easy by dying. Incidentally I have to somehow gather money for his gravestone soon as nobody else in my family ever offered to help my parents with it in all this time and it's only just been put up now when I said I'd help my mum with it. I never even fucking met him. My life is like a bad tv show. Not an interesting one, not a well written drama or tragedy, just bad.

[morishiges]

IT BOTHERS THE FUCK OUTTA ME WHEN PPL CORRELATE SCOTT PILGRIM TO DUDEBRO CULTURE

the movie’s great, i love it, but for the love of god read the comics oh my god i cant stress it enough the movie didn’t do how fucked up ramona and scott were justice

i HATE that ramona’s become the postergirl for manic pixie bpd shit SHE’S LITERALLY NOT. SCOTT PILGRIM IS A DECONSTRUCTION OF THE MANIC PIXIE GENRE.

loser dude gets dumped, tried to rebound, meets cool chick who he thinks can fix his problems and tries to use her as such but it turns out she’s more fucked up than him and they realise neither of them can fix each other, only themselves.

the whole point was scott continued to run from his problems by ignoring them, thus hurting everyone around him. you don’t wanna be him.

ramona lacked so much of an identity she dated any guy that talked to her and when things didn’t work out she’d revamp herself and run away from her own mistakes and pretending to be someone she isn’t so she didn’t have to deal with herself either. you don’t wanna be her.

the movie completely removes these facets of the characters and now ppl that have ONLY seen the movie think it’s exactly that at face value, it isn’t.

neither scott or ramona are people you should aspire to be and i HATE when people do this dumb thing like, comparing ramona and scott to that dumb manix e-girl/jock couple wtf did we read the same thing?

it’s so much more than what the movie made it out to be. scott isn’t suddenly “award” ramona after what he did to everyone else including knives. that’s something that’s brought up in the comics like he  has to earn the trust back and ramona is no longer like a “award” for it.

it bothers me so much omfg use a different series to talk about manic pixie dudebro shit cus this one LITERALLY isn’t it.

#victro.txt

[moderatelysociallymaladjusted]

I gotta weigh in on this school bullshit. Look. I don’t want school to start up in August. In any form. That includes online. Why? Because as a parent who works and cant rearrange my schedule in a way that allows me to be home with my son to be able to have him do any kind of online classroom learning, I don’t want to have to be forced into a corner. I don’t want him going to actual in person school but that is the closest I can get with the current bullshit reopening. I am terrified to send my son to school but mine and my husbands jobs do not allow us to be able to be home with him to learn. I’m actually curious now how actual home school works and how hard that is or if its flexible enough I could do that instead. Because we have no one who can baby sit that has internet for him to have access on the days we work and thus campus based online curriculum isnt’ optional for us because of the demand they have on the students to be present every day. I’m stuck in such a bad spot because I literally can not do online. But if I send him to school I’m putting him at risk and I’m so fucking stressed about what to do. Anyone familiar with traditional home school and how that works, what kind of smarts I have to have as a parent to help him or just anything that might help me if that has to be an option? 

Point being. My opinion. In this time, with everything going on. I do not think letting the kids take a semester to a year off will really be that detrimental. We need to protect our children and a health crisis is more important than damn school right now. Like seriously how stupid do people have to be to think opening up in the fall is smart with all this shit happening?

[finding-the-daylight]

Today has been a very stressful day, so guess wtf time it is? Drunk Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. Here is what I soberly remember of the movie (I have not watched it since BD2 came out): 

1. There���s a wedding.

2. There’s a honeymoon.

3. There’s swimming in the ocean.

4. There’s an accidental pregnancy.

5. The baby almost kills Bella.

6. The canon incident that we all hate happens.

7. The Volturi evilly laugh. 

Same as Eclipse, my drunken narration of the movie will be below the break.

A brief intro statement, I was 100% sober and just beginning to drink at the beginning of the Eclipse post and progressively got more drunk. For BD1, I’m throwing back before I even start watching this shit show.

- I love the effects of the intro. it’s very calming. THe putting away childish things quote is literally a Bible verse. I hate that Stpehen appropriated Quileute culture, Christian culture, and every culture. I know she’s mormon but sitll. THis shit feels real appropriated.

- Idk why rennee is all happy. she never gave a shit before.

- OMG ALICE TEHCING BELLA TO WALK IN HEELS IS THE CUTEST ICRY.

- carlisle carryign the bench is literally the hottest hting i’ve ever seen fck

- lowkey kinda creeprd out because she’s literally sacrificing her humanity to marry this deud she’s known for like a year but everyone other than jacob is super supportive

- damn she’s looking @ this dreamcatcher and it’s making me sad but tbh that shit probably caused half her nightmares because she’s not native so sleep paralysis (if you know you know).

- DAMN EDWAD RELALY JUST ADMITTED HE’S BEEN A VIRGING FOR OVER 100 YEARS WHAT AB RAVE MAN WE STAN

- BUT FOR REAL WHY IS NO ONE FREAKING TF OUT THAT SHE’S LITERALLY BEGGING TO DIE FOR THIUS DUE?

- he just todl her hes killed people and explained it and it didn’t work she’s still down to clown with this vapire emo boi

- HOW HE’S SMILTING @ HR WTF I AM SO ALONEEEE

- i just wama ne im loved amd ne loved in retun plz

- this dream sequence is awful also fck the volturi is til hate that they never overthrew that crabbyass monarchy bullshit they were powerful enough

- i just wanna be like rosalie when i greow up

- charlie knew shit was off when he saw those crapsk 

- why the HELL is renen actin liks she cares? bitch go the fuck back home

- jessica is the only one with any damn common sense in this whole series talking about they’re too fucking young for this shitt bitch true and itm akes sene now why she was the valedictioajrn 

- SLEEPING AT LAST IS THT GROUP IDK IF YALL HAVE HEARD ANY OF HTEIR OTHER STUFF BUT THEY’RE AMAIZNG AND I USED TO CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP # THAT SHIT

- damn id’ be fuckign panicking too your lfie is over hoe 

- stpeheen sto pwiht your racist ass smiling its offensive

- CHARLIE FUCKING DEWEVRE BETTER SOMEONE LOVE HIM PLEASR

- this wedding is gorgoeus though i live for hte fuckj g aestiec 

- OH MY GORD THE PROM SONGGGGGGGG  FCK ME RIGHT IN THE EMO 

- IT JUST HIT ME WHN THEY WRE LOOKI  @ EACH OTHERS EYES THIS BTCH REALLY MARYING AN UNDRSF VAMPIRE HOE this shit is horryighn why was i not scare?

- carlisle is the love of y life

- sth is a lil ray of sunishen 

- i just reaized howd fucked it is that sue and chalrie are starng to catch feelz ut sue knows his daughter is funckugn off with a unded vamp emo iboi

- OMG I FCUKING HATE STEPHENE RACIST ASS I LEGIT MADE AP OST EARLIER SYAING LAURENT WANTED TO DO THE RIGHT THING ANDWOUVLEBE BEND A VEGETATIAN BITCH AND IRENEA CONFIRMED FCK THIS SHIT IM OUT ANG ANGRY

- charlie is gget ing drunk as hell my spiritn animel

- jesica is smart and beautiful she needs t os stop being jealous and petty know ya wotht girlie you got itl

- I SWEAR WHEN IGET MARRIED OSMEDAY IF ANYONE GIVES A SPEECH LIKE THIS I WILL PERSONALLY DRAGT HER ASS OUT.

- edwar lves her so much fck im all alone\

- how haoph hacob is when they hig i hate canonn they were best friends fc,

- jacob stay the fck outta her sex life she;s been wanting this for ad dman year fkc steohe let them jsut befriend

- steh is so swert but e is a chidl fck the is reacist plot bulshit

- CHARLIE DESEVRD BETTR FCK THIS PLOT FOR REAL I HAE CANON

- bela looks os ad she knows it’s goodbye but edward’s family is all smiling because they have her now hwat fthe ckc

- jac0bs cryng my heart brke

- i love bineg dunk 

- the scene isn rio is my faorite isn any of the movies eveyrhting looks warm and happy

- this bich can drive ab oat too damn he can just fod evryhin cant he

- CARLISLE BOUGHT A WHOEL DAMN ISALND FOR HIS WIFE AND I CANT ECVE GET A TEXT BACK? 

- deis this honeymon scene make anuone else unconmfy becuae same

- marying a vampire would be horrying af but also hot af and good af becuase htye oculd love so much and protect you from everythign fck 1-/10 woukd efeel safe

- bwll gaving a panic attakc ism e anyt tinme i try talking to an attractive man

- slepeign at last fckign ti up agin bit ch theis m yshit 

- when he said it was the best night i cred 

- tstoehe added the chess game like this shit is a hoje but i would love to play chess on my honemodn idk how uut  i want a man to each me but not mansplin

- WHY THE FUCJ AR THEY SO CTE ON THIS AMN HONEYMOON?

- i know i sadn it was horryig but i want a hotass vamp emo boi husband plas 

- damn jacob is being too emo she aint really gonan be ded for ever youll see her agianb itch

- ‘CULLENS ARE NOT A DNAGER TO THE TOWN OR TRUBE” BITCH IB EG TO FUCKIN DIFFER THIS SHIT BIOLOGICAL WARDARE RACIST ASS STPEHEN WRITING THIS FUCKING BULLTSIT

- ‘NONE OF THEM BELONG TO THEMSEVLES ANYGMROE” - SOMEONE SAID IT BITCH THSI SHIT IS FUCKRE IP

- i fucking hates these vamp racist bitches but i want a nonracist va,p husband bitch thus hot afck

- how tf does she not know shes rpegr yet eatin this weid ass shit?

- THESE FKERS BEEN AROUND FOR CENTURIES TLAKING BOU IDK IF ITS VEEN POSSIBEL BTICH YU SHOULD FUCKUGN KNO BY NOW

- ROVERT SPOEAKIN G PORTGUEVE IS SO KING ATRACTIV

- poor bella her life chaned so uqick and she[s soc scared fck dcnaon

- POOR CHARLIE I HATE THIS HE DESERVES TO BE LOVED AND TURTH TOLD

- ROSALEI IS THE EST 

- “YOU LOOK TERRBLE’ THIS IS THE FRIENDHSOP WE WANT WHYT THE FCK DOES FOPSTHE RUIN EALL THIS SHIT

- CARLISE IS FUNCIGJ HOT

- LIRALY BITCH I JUST WNAT A PURE FIRENDHSIP WUTH JACOB AND BELLA ITS WHAT THEY DESERVE FJC CAON

 - this montage is turopy a f when youre drunk waht the helc por jake thugh

- im sorry but i;n laughign my ass off at these fuckugn wolf vocie overs lmaoooo this shit hilarious

- SETH HAS SUCH A PURE HEART WHTY TF DID SPTEHEH RUIB HUS FUCJING CHILDHOOD BULTHIST

- WHY IS EVEYRIJE BSUCG AFUCKUGN BUTCG TO LEAH???? SHE DESEVRED THE FUCKING WORLD STPEHEN IS A RACISHT BITCHHHHHH

- calisbe is fos unicngn hot

- i just reaized robert is like the best fuckugn actor like this diolaguge is wha k as fuck btu he’s acitng all emo boi oscar worhty shti

- they realy had her fuckin drink blodo i hate cannjnonnn

- ifelel the same as kaje watchign this 

- but carlisle’s prety face made it all fuckig hetter

- FUCKRT HIS SHTI CHARLIE DESERVED BETTER HE’S THE BEST DAD FCK CANO NFUCK STEPRHNE 

- okay ut id is cute as fkc whe nedward hears the baby 

- esme and calrisle wilougn to risk their lives for bella i cryi

- fkc i really do hate cnaon because jake is acting liek an adult now and trying to do the honrble thig bue he should be a hpaoy chidl 

-  resnemsien is a ficking ridjcils name and we all fuckj nnew

- i ahte this part i’n bot even wathcing this shit rgros me rout 

- WHY THDID FUCK DID THIS BITCH HAVE A FUKCUNG SYRINGE OG VENOM LAYING AORUND? HOE!?!?!

- literlaiy fuick the dynamics of this whole moty hfknfucjg storyline plot bitch

- LEAH AND STHE DESERVERD BETTER

- SO DID JACOB

- SO DID ALL THE WOLFPAKC STPEHEN IS A RACIST AS SHOE

- aw hell here the fucks we hgo with theu ickgn im************** bulshit i ghate cnaojn canon can suck ad ick

- YES BILLY DEFEND YOUR CHIDL 

- rosalie is literally perfect when cnai b ehr 

- im real glad im drunk rin now because ioculd nto sit throguh this shit sober

- imp&******* is the worst plotline fkc]

- bit iamgiben falling alseo lookin gsick and waking up fhot as uck goals

- this sogn making me cry literlalu imcruing ims o alone lmao

- rheye really ended htoe move wirh red eyws lmaoooo

- hodl the fick up a damn minute stpeehebn producre htis cufkcng shit?

- now heres the hoes iv’ve been waiting on burnt the monarch fuckwits i hate thes epompis fuckers

- OVERTURBR THESE FUCKSERS THEY HAVE TIOO MUCH POWR 

CARLISR COULD FUCKING D OI T I HATE CNAON BRING THE VAMPIRE DECONOARCY

- OOHG BRUNNO MARS BRINGNG THE FUCKING SIMPSSHOES ANTHM I NEEDLOVE IT

#Twilight #Twilight renaissance #Breaking Dawn #Breaking Dawn Part One #Breaking Dawn review #simp ass hoes #simp ass hoes fandom #we hate canon #WE HATE CANON HERE

[bigskydreaming]

As much as I hate the Ric Grayson storyline, the general reactions to it are pretty on point for how people usually react to Dick....with the irony being that the whole POINT of this storyline is at the moment, he ISN’T Dick. He literally thinks of himself as a different person a lot of the time.

But notice how many of the negative reactions are towards Dick himself - when again, he kinda doesn’t really even exist right now, lmao - because Ric didn’t react to his amnesia the way they expected or wanted. With this being true of both characters in universe and fans outside of it. The number of times in the past year that I’ve seen a post or a fic about that storyline that basically condemns Ric because of how he’s hurting his family by staying away from them, insisting they stay away, that he doesn’t care that he’s hurting them, that he’s still Dick deep down, so how can he just not care about these people who try and tell them they’re his family and they love him, etc.

The ultimate takeaway in almost every variation is that basically, people are mad because Ric’s reactions don’t prioritize the Batfamily, or even factor them in at all. That he’s isolated himself by his own choice, rather than even try to get to know them, let them get to know this new him.

But the problem is....

RIC GRAYSON DOESN’T OWE THESE PEOPLE ANYTHING!

They’re complete strangers to him, when they introduce themselves. He doesn’t remember them. All those connections they supposedly have with him, that they feel so strongly about...he doesn’t feel those connections because as far as he’s consciously aware, he never made them.

Like....just because you go up to a random stranger on the street and tell them hey, you don’t remember me or have any idea who the hell I am or what kind of person I am at all, but we’re family even in spite of that all being true, and like, that matters, so please come home with me, everyone really wants to see you and your siblings have really been worried about you, it’d be a huge relief for them to actually see you with their own eyes....

THAT DOESN’T MAKE THAT STRANGER OBLIGATED TO DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS.

In fact, the more you press on the subject, the more they’re likely to push back against it? Even if its true, that’s like..a HUGE thing for people to wrap their minds around. Like, think of how upsetting it can be for a lot of people to find out later in life that they were actually adopted....even though they love their adopted parents and have like, good relationships all around and are HAPPY other than that revelation - because its just about like....when something you’ve believed to be true for so long that you take it for granted pretty much, just like turns out to not be true all along, that can really fuck with people before they get a handle on it....because if THAT isn’t true, turns out they couldn’t count on what they believed to be reality on that front....what else that they take for granted might not be true either? Where does it end?

So for you to like just wake up one day and find out that its years later than it should be as far as you know, you’re older than you remember being, you were  apparently a fucking SUPERHERO, like...what are you even supposed to do with THAT tidbit after its dropped in your lap, like are you supposed to nod and go yeah, that makes sense, sounds about right...and oh yeah, btw, your parents are dead and have been for years but you have this new family now instead, and they all have years and years of history with you that you can’t remember and might not ever, and also because of all that, they each have all these emotions regarding you based on stuff the guy with your face did when interacting with them before, the guy they still see when they look at you because again, you have the same goddamn face....but no matter how much they remind themselves YOU don’t remember the things they love you for and are holding a grudge against you for or made them feel special or was something you used to really like when they did for you.....

What are the chances, realistically speaking, that they’re ALWAYS going to remember to keep that awareness front and center every time they interact with you, that at times they’re not gonna be pissed at you because you do one tiny little thing that doesn’t even register with you as something that would upset them but oh yeah it actually reminds them of this HUGE FUCKING FIGHT you had with them about that very thing and so they’re kinda pissed at you for a couple days even if they’re trying not to show it, they can’t exactly be mad at you for something YOU DON’T EVEN REMEMBER DOING so how can it possibly be to you like its something YOU did, the way it is to them....and stuff like that is going to be happening CONSTANTLY, because nobody can be on top of everything 24/7 and on their A game constantly and not ever slipping up or into old habits the second they get comfortable...and even if they CAN, having to be careful of everything they say or do around you so they dont hold things against you that you dont remember or expect things of you that you have no idea you’re expected to do, and on and on...that’d be stressful as HELL and it would inevitably take a toll, and guess what happens then? 

Resentment starts to build, they start to get bitter that they to constantly be so careful, that they can’t just have their brother back or you can’t just ‘snap out of it,’ like hasnt it been long enough - it doesn’t matter that these things aren’t rational, because none of us are ever ALWAYS rational people, and sooner or later, there’s gonna be drama and YOU’RE going to be the one to take the brunt of it.

After all, llook how much drama there already is just because you had the nerve to tell a bunch of total strangers that hey, turns out I just got shot in the head and woke up missing a decade of world events and personal history and EVERYTHING ELSE, can you all just back the hell off until *I* even have a chance to figure out who the hell I even am right now, because until I know that, I cant even possibly be expected to be able to tell you who I am and thus how I’m different from that guy you all are not at all subtle about wishing was here in place of me, a person who also happens to feel pretty strongly about the fact that uh fuck you, I have a right to be here, living MY life, maybe I don’t want to constantly hang out with ppl knowing they’d all trade me in a second for some other guy who basically is just as much of a stranger to me. 

Like, the only way Ric was able to get them to slow down and keep things to what HE was comfortable with until he was ready to handle more....information, expectations, hope, pressure, PEOPLE....was when he finally got fed up and told them all to just stay away, because what was a pretty reasonable request in his eyes, that hey maybe we take this at my pace since Im the one here who has to play catch up with the entire world...like, he apparently couldn’t even get them to stick to that, given the few interactions we’ve seen with Babs, for instance, without them inevitably trying to steer their conversations back in directions that led to where they wanted Ric/Dick to ultimately end up...whereas Ric was literally just trying to figure out where he even WANTED to end up, what that even looked like to him.

LOL and people are mad about this, because he’s not doing what they think Dick Grayson SHOULD do, he’s not acting the way they WANT Dick Grayson to act, EXPECT him to act....

even though he keeps reminding people he’s not Dick Grayson and its not fair to expect him to be or get pissed at him for acting how he wants instead of how some total stranger he doesn’t remember being used to act.

Its kinda how I’m always saying, like the biggest issue underlying just about every problem Dick’s ever faced, usually without much of a support system ever actually kicking in....is people expecting more of him than anyone has a right to expect, and rarely if ever offering the same in return. And how this is always most evident when he’s hurt or suffering, because the people around him constantly make HIS traumas and tragedies and crises more about THEM instead, which makes it impossible for him to ACTUALLY get any support, or even look out for HIMSELF, so long as they’re demanding attention for the reactions they’re having to....his amnesia. His reset button, his dramatic, traumatic upheaval of everything he knew and trusted to be reality, that he took for granted and now can’t feel safe taking anything for granted.

Cuz I mean look at the reactions from the Batfamily. Look at the reactions from Batfandom. All of that is holding true in the Ric Grayson storyline, is happening in reaction to it....

And the guy in question doesn’t have a single memory of being Dick Grayson, doesn’t FEEL like the person they expect him to be and thus just wishes people would leave him alone so he can just BE, without all this pressure and responsibilities and obligations that it feels like these people are just barely holding back any time they’re around him and are really just ITCHING for him to hurry up and BE Dick Grayson again so they can heap all that pressure and responsibility and obligation on him again. Like normal. Like the way its supposed to be.

LOL Dick Grayson can’t get a moment’s peace from what everyone else thinks he owes them or what he should be doing....even by literally peacing out of existence for now.

[lenjaminmacbuttons]

Hope you’re doing okay, I know there’s been a lot going on the past couple weeks. 🌈🌈💛💛

FOOF YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

thank you for the good vibes anon, i love you and it means a lot to me. however unfortunately now im gonna use this to vent dump exactly how much has been going on the past couple weeks off the top of my head. this is actually pretty far from Everything thats happen but im so tired and dont want to think about any of it anymore

my grandma passed away last week. we were prepared for it and we know she’s at peace in a better place et cetera et cetera, her body was all full of restraints & impediments that she doesnt have to deal with anymore and the next time she’s in a body it’ll be all New And Improved and awesome. i missed so much work in anticipation of this that now i can’t get work off on the day of the funeral, so i can still go to it but i’ll have to go immediately to work right from it and have to pretend everythings fine and dandy and nothings going on.

everyone at work Does know there’s something going on however and the two coworkers i have who are actually like i consider them friends mostly they’re all like Hey Im Here For You Talk About Your Feelings Honestly with me and i. dont. want. to talk about my feelings at work. thats not what work is for and i dont like talking about my feelings anyway and i dont want them to ask anymore

the changes to the handbook and the honor code have completely sunk my heart. i had so much hope up until those hideous ridiculous unfathomably transphobic things they wrote and now i don’t feel like i can trust or have hope in ANYTHING the institution does anymore. ive been up all night going back and forth over whether i want to go to church today. or ever again. it’s not bringing me joy. it’s making me feel anxious and depressed and frustrated and alone. i keep seeing people just on the street or on facebook who are so happy and content with the church and whatever it does and i just…i get struck every single time with this thought of “they don’t care about me. they don’t care about any of these problems. they’re not affected personally by it and so they don’t care.”

and then that makes me feel like such a hypocrite because!!! ive been them too for so long!! what makes this moment so different!!!!! why is this the straw that breaks the camel’s back when the camel should have thrown off the whole burden and run to join its friends at the first strike of the owner’s whip!!!!!!

plus it’s making me feel gross about my mormon memes blogs. idk if i can keep running those anymore.

im failing this semester anyway and i keep getting emails about it. i was planning to take a break from school After this semester but ive missed so much class that i just really can’t go back to any of them so i guess im just dropping out right now. as much as i’d love to participate in all the incredible amazing protests going on right now i really really cant be on campus at all without feeling literally physically ill. and my Hope was to do really well this last semester and then submit mission papers and that way i’d know exactly what next to do with my life until i decide what After, and id be able to Get Out somewhere and travel someplace while still feeling like my life has some semblance of structure and direction. however! HOWEVER!!!!!!!!

i’ve been feeling so, so horrible and so worn down and i dont even know where or what my testimony is anymore. but that’s probably a lot lower on the list of Why I Can’t Serve A Mission, because a. i still don’t trust my Local Bishop enough to talk to him about things The Handbook says to b. i am finding it harder and harder and harder to be perceived as female. i never really have dysphoria about my body or my presentation or anything but like, when people say Sister and Ma’am and Miss and Daughter and Hey Pretty Lady It’s Me Your Relief Society President it’s like…that’s not me. that feels gross. and i wear suits and ties to church, have done so for a while and never get any flak for it, and im gradually working up the nerve to maybe start introducing myself as lev or levi instead of lillie buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. socially transitioning apparently is not allowed.

not to mention my temple recommend expired ages ago anyway. anxiety about bishops prevented me from ever going in for an interview to renew it. i haven’t visited the temple once since before graduating high school. but every time i see it or think about it i long for it so badly and it hurts so much.

and also like, i get that same kinda horrible regretful longing feeling whenever i hear violin music? because i played violin for a few years and then stopped but i still have the instrument because it was given to me by my grandmother. who played it herself until sickness wouldn’t let her anymore and she entrusted it to me and i Stopped Playing but then i hoped to pick it up enough to at least learn how to play her favorite song and aw wouldn’t that be so nice to play that for her on her violin except i never actually got around to printing out the sheet music or practicing At All. and now she’s gone.

and one of the last things she said to me was that she would love to hear my book since her eyesight was too gone to read it so i said i’d record it as soon as i got the right software/hardware to do that and then i never did that either. also i promised alla yalls that book would be Published Published coming up on four months ago now and i still haven’t done that

i took a pair of safety scissors to my forearms as mentioned in a previous post and surprise surprise, the lines have not healed still, it’s getting warmer outside and thus harder to wear long sleeves, and guess what! a while ago on a separate occasion i complained that i kinda wished my self harm scars looked more like the classic cutter lines and Now They Do!! And I Hate It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and a couple nights ago my little sister saw them and so i told her i got attacked by a spider-pawed bear and fortunately my brother Understands and backed me up like “dang what do they teach in schools these days i cant believe youve never heard of the spider-pawed bears that live in the mountains and are totally normal and real”

and steven universe is ending. that’s a thing.

and like….okay. not everything in my emotions right now is bad. some of it is just complicated. one coworker friend i have recently confessed that she’s had a crush on me for several months now. fortunately when she said this i was able to be honest and say that im not super eager for a relationship right now, im not ready in the slightest to settle down or anything, im still hung up on my high school crush and also dealing with issues from my last relationship, and she replied that’s all perfectly fine and she doesn’t have any expectations and she’s great being friends and we can take things at whatever pace is good

except i also now have a date with said high school crush loosely planned for tomorrow and i told this coworker friend about it and she admitted it’s making her a little jealous and then she said jealous is an ugly word and amended it to Insecure and i feel bad about that

but i also like. am really excited for this date. like it’s not really a for sure romantic capital-d Date and that’s fine, but i haven’t seen this friend irl for so long and ive been missing her so much over this past little while that we’ve been internet chatting and that ive been i guess officially falling back in love with her but i also like, i dont know what her deal is romantically right now i don’t want to presume anything but i really really really am itching to see her

work is stressful. it’s only gonna get more so as weather gets warmer. but we’re getting two new managers with loads of experience and glowing reviews next week. i have hope that they’ll makes things a little lighter.

and there’s also. good things. peridot took off her visor for the first time ever in canon and i saved like 50 different gifs of it to my computer cus it rocked my world. sonic has she-ra toys for the kids meals and i managed to snag a tiny inflatable version of the sword. i’m making cosplays of the tres horny boys from the adventure zone and they’re all very exciting and making things makes me very very happy. i’m finding joy in all the fanfictions i’m writing right now and in talking about dungeons & dragons with my brothers and friends. ducknerva is a very beautiful Good Ending version of marahope which makes me happy and taako is a super effective projection outlet. i bought cupcakes today and they were delicious. and when i think about those good things, when i think about any good thing no matter how small, everything else disappears.

whatever happens happens i guess.

she who lives will see.

#talkyllama #hey if anyone needs tags on posts like these please please let me know asap #i always forget that actual people see the things i post #i dont usually trigger tag cus i dont usually think i need to but if i do i will

[iobottle]

atissi

replied to your post

“it kinda makes me sad when artists giving out tutorials on character...”

oh could you talk more about this? :o

ABSOLUTELY thank u for enabling me to go off about designs i love this shit this may get a bit long so its going under a readmore (sorry if ur on mobile i hope it works)

gonna start this off with im no expert Nor have i taken any sort of official art class this is me just analyzing characters from what i found that makes them memorable to ppl (most of these examples are going to be from games sorry i got them on my mind)

ok so basically making a memorable revolves around personality and appearance now theres different ways to go about showing these things and i think from consuming media you like will help narrow down how you wanna go about it, basically thinking about your character inside and out!

SO shapes and hyperstylization is a good way to get a fun appearance across in a cartoon esp media and is often what a lot of artists stress on an example of using shapes and a good silhouette to make a memorable character is sonic!(specifically comic sonic)

(had to google idw sonic for a non...u know image)

but not only do they use lots of triangles for this hedgehog they also made him blue! you’d be more likely to remember a blue headgehog over a realistically colored one!(also almost all of the sonic characters have a combination of fun shape + unusual color to help you remember them! the designs werent afraid to use color to make a bold statement)(he’s also segas mascot so of course they put a lot of work in his design)

now sonics appearance is not the only reason why people like him or remember him so much he’s also got personality! he’s cocky, fast, always getting into trouble, “you’re too slow!”, accompanied by shitty butt rock and a cool guy persona ie he’s got personality! and they weren’t afraid to give him some weird interests(see the butt rock) and he’s not perfect( see arrogance) if youve ever played a sonic game you have almost always remembered the crush 40 theme that went with it

all in all to go with his unusual appearance he’s got some unusual traits! it helps make him believable! admittedly he’s not the most embarrassing of the sonic crew (see knuckles or shadow) but he’s definitely rounded and not boring from an objective standpoint(you can not like sonic or his games i dont care)

(another example of something that requires good shapes is pokemon altho they arent really like very depthy since there are 600+ and some only have like a pokedex entry worth of info but still they have good and memorable designs)

NOW something that doesnt have the most “good shapes” design off the top of my head is link

now in the most recent zelda game his most memoriable physical attribute is that he’s on the androgynous side w his longer hair and smaller build but in his older designs he looked something like this

(art for a loz:link to the past)

not really that much of a striking silhouette, but what do we look at and kinda leaves an impression on us? his hair and hat! its very silly to see someone in such a big green hat with that big of bangs/mullet, the hat at least became so ridiculous of a look that in botw nintendo didnt include his hat in links main outfit bc it was too hard to make look good, its silly! thats good! its fine to have a normal human looking characters because sometimes stories are about humans, but if you want us to remember them include something that will strike us as strange for them

also probably a good thing to note is the noises link makes when he swings his sword, jumps, pushes something, ie any action they have always been something that has stuck with me

(another example similar to this is in mgs solid snake in mgs is this cool super spy but is rocking a full on mullet which is considered a joke hairstyle. this leaves an impression on us. a spy with a mullet! how ridiculous! another example is raiden who was specifically made bc a woman wrote that she didnt want to play as an “old man” so the protagonist of the super spy game is a longer haired pretty boy (with a huge ass))

now ive explained a little on a character with good shapes and personality and a character with a more “boring” shape design that makes up for it with almost quirky design choices but i feel like theres another series thats what originally got me thinking about how even a memorable silhouette doesnt need hyperstylization

ace attorney! (which is out on switch now if u havent played it i would def recommend it)

if you dont know the protagonist is the guy in the blue suit(phoenix), which well he looks like just a guy...with ridiculously spikey hair enough so that in his silhouette you can recognize him but also his posture (the pointing) makes for a sticking recognizable image bc if you’ve played the games you can practically hear objection just from looking at phoenix’s silhouette

which is another thing id like to talk about! not only are a good shape a way to have a good silhouette but posture is also important! how the character holds themselves can say alot about them just from a glance! such as meekness, arrogance, confidence, sadness, anger, happiness its a very important too especially when you arent relying on stylization

now onto the characters of ace attorney ive gone over phoenix's design a bit but theres a few others id like to look at with some Weird style choices that make us remember them(just going to glance over them since this post is so long)

now, this woman, franziska von karma, she dresses kind of strange for a prosecutor but her outfit is not too out there and her silhouette is not striking

but you see that whip? remember how i said she was a prosecutor? yeah she will strike people in court for getting off topic and will even hit phoenix when he starts breaking down her witnesses testimonies, which what literally strikes up about her

another prosecutor, godot, now his hair could provide a somewhat memorable shape but what we first notice is the strange mask on his face which is weird, but not the Same weird as franziska bringing a whip to court thus having both of these prosecutors being Weirdly memorable for different things (another note is his liking of coffee that he does not give up even in court ha ha)

now onto the other protag for the aa games

apollo! who also has weirdly spikey hair, but even if you put a silhouette of him next to phoenix you could tell there some was a difference between the two! its showing a pattern with the protags while also keeping them distinct enough to be able to tell who is who! although you cant say the pointy haired guy from ace attorney and not get just One answer unlike saying the prosecutor who has a whip but still they are distinct to people who have little experience with the series

sorry i dont have any sort of conclusion on this this was just sort of me rambling on about character design, but my main point is if you are discouraged bc all your characters dont have wildly different silhouettes thats ok! there are other ways to establish a good memorable character! dont be afraid to make them a little weird! give your character pink hair in a medieval setting, have them be ridiculously in love with tigers they have a striped shirt and pants, let them love childrens tv shows and have them never miss an episode, give them wacky hair or an extreme love of gum, show us some personality!! but dont forget about how they act and their values and dont forget that posture can go a long way for establishing a first impression

there are also many other methods to making a good character! like colors and dress!

silly is the way to go! have fun with it!!

there isnt just one way to make a good character!! theres plenty of more series that have good character design that i didnt mention pay attention to why you like the characters you like! also watch this video bc its really good

#atissi #im sorry this is so long and incoherent #im sure this is hard to parse so im realyl sorry if i end up confusing ppl

[kondo-hijikata]

Pairing: Pre-Relationship to Relationship Kondo/Hijikata Rating: T Summary: Hijikata had no particular interest in meeting the new Tennen Rishin Ryu heir…until he saw the size of his shoes. [AO3]

<< Chapter 2

.*Before the Storm*. Chapter 3

The universe was a finicky thing. It was unfair, played favorites. To some, it gave with reckless abandon. From others, it took and took in the same stride.

For once, it favored Hijikata Toshizo.

Ducking beneath the flowering bough of the Sato residence main gate revealed beyond advantageous conditions: Nobu was preoccupied somewhere in the house with her two young children, Hikogoro hadn’t yet returned from meeting Tamejiro, there were no nosy neighbors or merchants haunting the front garden… In short, a golden opportunity had fallen right into Hijikata’s lap, and he snatched the reins with an ecstasy that left him light-headed and almost delirious.

Everyone was out of his way. And for a change, he would have his.

It was a beeline straight to the back of the property with Kondo in tow, and when Hijikata just about punted the shoes from his feet and bounded up the dark stairs, his soon-to-be opponent spoke up in inquiry.

“Um, do you think we should wait for—?”

“No,” Hijikata stressed without so much a glance over his shoulder, and on that, he disappeared into the dojo.

Several moments passed before a breathy laugh rolled off Kondo’s tongue, his head canting and shoulders nudging up into a shrug. “All right, then,” he said aloud to no one, making quick work to free himself of hat and shoes, smooth out any displaced locks of hair, and follow Hijikata’s lead before he might be scolded for taking too long.

As shoji were thrown open for airflow and they set to readying themselves, the training hall was devoid of conversation—not because there weren’t matters of common interest to mull over or twenty questions to be asked. Simply, at present, there was but one thing on Hijikata’s mind. And that thing, that prospect, was all-consuming.

Anticipation electrified him, had every last nerve in his body lit up by the feverish exhilaration of being taken seriously, of at last having the opportunity to substantiate his merit. This would be the test of all tests and the ultimate proving ground, facing off with someone not only of Kondo’s talent but status. Hijikata’s fingers nearly trembled while readjusting the red ties woven about his personal training attire, and he began fastening the breastplate to his torso.

Kondo was perched across the way in formal seiza, making his own refinements prior to quickly outfitting himself. Seizing a pair of loose straps that hung about his waist, he pulled hard and started binding, then spoke up without diverting attention from his task. “You never did say what school you’re with, by the way.”

Hijikata sprung to his feet. “All of them.”

Chin snapping up, Kondo’s eyes were instantly on him and following as he approached the shinai rack. “Ah, I mean…” He rose to stand as well, and gave himself a final shake to let the armor settle comfortably about his frame. “What style do you practice?”

Two training swords were pulled free and Hijikata pivoted on his heels, tossing one over to Kondo while returning to the place he’d left his facemask. And just before his features became obscured by a ribbed cage, he offered a smug twitch of the lips and huffed out his nose. “It’s called Hijikata Toshizo style.”

Kondo’s lashes parted a little wider and though he said nothing in response to that statement, his mouth pulled outward into an enticed broad smile.

The playfulness was gone in an instant from Hijikata as he strapped himself in. “Don’t you dare go easy on me.”

~

It all started off so well. Confidence was soaring, the ship of peasant-turned-samurai dreams sailed, life was on the upswing and anything was possible.

Then the shinai was sent flying from Hijikata’s grip.

Kondo was saying something, but the words fell on ears deafened by distraction.

What…was that just now? Hijikata blinked, maintaining position and studying his empty hands before his eyes shifted to the fallen practice sword. After a second more of thought, he retrieved it, reassumed position, and squared his jaw with determination. “Again.”

He stepped into Kondo’s lunge with a different technique, a new approach at blocking…only to be disarmed in the same manner.

There was no pensive consideration this time. Hijikata swooped over his shinai and took it up without breaking momentum. His feet slid back into stance like second nature. “Again.”

Again and again and again, until he figured out a countermeasure for this move.

Again.

~

Pulling off headgear on a day like today felt like breaking back through the surface of water after staying submerged for too long. Hijikata stood panting hard with his eyes shut tight and nose angled toward the ceiling, his heart pounding and lungs working double time. The mask which dangled from his fingertips dropped unceremoniously to the floor, and his hands began blindly ridding the other articles that bogged him down.

“It is hot!” Kondo rasped with desperation, seeking his own freedom from the same burdens, and then used the sleeve of his hakamashita to wipe the sweat from his face.

Indeed it was hotter than hell, among other things just as uncomfortable. While his pulse slowly calmed and his muscles relaxed, the disappointment that welled in the pit of Hijikata’s stomach started creeping up his throat to sting his tongue with the bitter taste of chagrin. All he offered to Kondo’s statement about the heat was an affirmative breathy hum, and when his lashes finally parted, he found himself being regarded with another grin. It was almost unsettling, given the circumstances. “…What?”

Shaking his head, Kondo let the fabric fall back in place at his side. “I’m just impressed.”

“What?” Hijikata’s brows drew inward and his cheeks flushed with anger. “Don’t goddamn patronize me!”

“I’m not.” Hands flew up before Kondo’s chest in surrender and he swallowed hard, his shoulders still rising and falling from catching his breath. “Don’t get me wrong. You lack discipline and consistency, and your form needs work. But—” A few moments of panting. “—you make up for all that in creativity. It certainly kept me on my toes.”

While his expression hadn’t lessened in severity, Hijikata studied the young master and took heed to his words; it was an appraisal that was admittedly fair and one he couldn’t argue, even if constructive criticism hadn’t been something he’d particularly sought. After all, it was plain as day now that he was no match for Kondo as he was. That Kondo could find anything remotely positive to comment on about his performance was already much too kind in his opinion.

Pulling his mouth taut, Hijikata remained silent. It was mortifying to admit even to himself that he’d envisioned victory. Then again, he could mop the floor with the local dojos frequented during his peddling rounds, so perhaps this loss was a necessary and humbling kick in the ass. It wasn’t even that Hijikata hadn’t held his own well enough during the match, because he had. However, in a world where someone with ambitions as wild as his needed to be better than the best, staying on the defense simply wouldn’t cut it.

And by the gods, having a weapon knocked free over and over—something that should never happen even once—was humiliating beyond belief.

No, he needed to be more than just decent, more than passable or creative. He needed to be a legitimate contender to people with advanced skill like Kondo if he wanted to get anywhere in the life he envisioned, and that was the cold hard truth. Thus, the contest was Kondo’s triumph and Hijikata’s failure no matter how minced the words, but at least he could learn something from it. He licked his lips, eager to move on from being the recipient of half-hearted compliments. “So, what was that move?”

“What move?”

“The one you kept disarming me with.”

Another smile inched out into Kondo’s cheeks. “Ah, that…” He gave a firm nod. “The Tennen Rishin Ryu is structured purely for warfare. It’s an aggressive style that seeks to neutralize threats as fast as possible, so disarmament is a big factor.”

Hijikata narrowed his eyes. “Right…yeah, I get that. But I wanna know how you did it.” Several seconds passed without any verbal response as the young master seemed to study him—and just as he’d been about to reassert his demand, Kondo huffed.

“Um, Hijikata-san,” he began slowly, letting his focus wander to nowhere important. “From what I gather, you have knowledge of all different kinds of styles from your travels.” Kondo returned his attention then, his gaze direct and piercing. “But the Tennen Rishin Ryu isn’t one of them, despite this dojo being literally in your backyard. Why is that?”

It was a splendidly predictable inquiry but somehow still managed to catch Hijikata off guard. He scoffed and rubbed at his neck with irritation, averted his sight to the garden and replied with a breathy, “Answering a question with a question, huh…”

“Forgive me, but you are asking for the semantics of my technique, are you not?”

Hijikata’s fingers paused and his eyes shifted to his companion. …Kondo had a point. Or it was more like he was damn correct and this situation was becoming more than a little embarrassing with every passing second. It was time to leave before more damage could be done, time to salvage whatever was left of his pride—if any of it was. “You’re right,” Hijikata relented with a nearly disdainful drop of his chin. “Sorry, it was overstepping.”

“Mm?” Kondo tilted his head and started pulling at his hakamashita to help himself cool off. “I don’t believe I said that…”

“Aa, I know.” A forced smile twitched at Hijikata’s lips as he collected his armor and stepped up to take Kondo’s as well. “Well, thanks for the match but as you found out, I really am just a medicine peddler with rough hands.” Before that could be interpreted as a cry for sympathy, he was quick to shrug and press on with the kind of talk that would pacify anyone of a higher class. “Which is fine. We all have our place. Mine happens to be healing the ailments of this country.”

As he was learning, however, Kondo wasn’t just anyone.

“Anyway, I’ll take that.” Hijikata leaned forward to reach for the breastplate at the young master’s side…only to have his shoulders caught in the grip of hands much larger than his own. Hijikata froze, his eyes snapping up to golden ones boring into him, and relented when he was gently coaxed back into standing upright.

“Look…” Kondo’s palms slipped from where they’d steadied him, but Hijikata could feel the gentle yet insistent weight of his touch remaining even after it vanished. What even was this magnetism? Part of him wanted to leave so he could process and swallow the crushing loss that shattered his confidence, but another side remained inundated with curiosity—so much that it won out and had his feet staying cemented in place. He warily listened.

“I assess all kinds of men day in and day out through training and sparring. That being said…” Kondo swiped up the training gear Hijikata had been after, his attention falling to it before returning with a pointed earnestness. “Hijikata-san, I promise you. Your opinion of yourself is much too low. Actually, I’d go so far to say it’s completely wrong.”

Several moments of tense silence persisted, each studying the other like they were back at that proverbial game of Go from when they’d met on the street earlier, before Hijikata’s features relaxed and he choked out a strained breathy laugh. “Uh, thanks,” he said dismissively and reached for the armor again.

Strange as it was, Kondo hadn’t taken the bait to lighten the mood and seemed to have no interest in giving up the raiment that Hijikata had been after, his demeanor holding as fervid as it was genuine. “I’ll show you the move if you come to practice sometime.”

Hijikata’s brows creased and he felt a rush of…something hit his head—annoyance or offense or another emotion he couldn’t rightly identify. Whatever the case, it wasn’t favorable and so he replied with a cool retort. “I’m not interested in becoming your student.”

“What do you want to be then?”

And damned as he might have been for it, the unintended suggestiveness in that question took Hijikata by surprise. His lips parted, but no sound came forth.

Kondo’s hands docked on his hips. “Rivals, friends? Enemies, a few fake samurai trying to forever be good enough?”

“Excuse me, fake?”

“Of course. You said it yourself, didn’t you? We all have our place.” Turning his head to the side, Kondo’s gaze was back on the garden. “Society won’t see us as anything more than farmers.”

“What are you even saying?! You’re literally a samurai!” Hijikata snapped. “You have the actual status. I don’t. I have nothing at all.”

“You think that means something…” Kondo trailed off, his voice going quiet. He huffed, closed his eyes, and cocked his head…shrugged and smiled. “This status you refer to amounts to nothing at all.” But when his lashes parted again, Hijikata could make out a fire burning in the man in front of him. “If the Shogun worked the land before he became the Shogun, the world would still see him as what he was first, no matter his accomplishments.”

Ah, there it was. A bitter scoff followed. “So you lied to those kids, after all. Can’t say it surprises me.”

“Actually, no, I didn’t. I’m a farmer, Hijikata-san. That’s how I was born. That’s how I’ll die. I have to work three times as hard to get even a sliver of what some people are lucky enough to be given at birth.” Squaring his jaw, the light dulled in Kondo’s eyes. “But I’m not discouraged by that, because you see, I’m lucky too. My fate is in my own hands. I can carve my own path.” And with that, his grasp on the plate tightened. “To society, I’ll always be someone trying to be something that I’m not and nothing more. So I’ll be a farmer with the greatest samurai spirit, more samurai than any samurai who thinks he’s entitled to that honor because of where he happened to be born.”

Hijikata’s attention was locked on Kondo and he didn’t dare even blink, his heart pounding so hard that he heard it echoing in his ears. What he was saying, it was infuriating and ridiculous and it spoke directly to his soul with the words he’d always wanted to hear. “More samurai than…any samurai,” he echoed as his companion pivoted on his feet and made for the armor stand. “You’re—”

“It’s the same for you,” Kondo said, reaching for a nearby rag and beginning to wipe down each article to prepare it for stowing. “Whether you see it or not.”

“You barely know me!” Hijikata shot back. “How the hell can you make such a bold ass statement like it’s some kind of fact?!”

Kondo’s hands came to a stop and he lifted his chin. “It’s simple.” Slowly, he turned his face to look him dead in the eye. “I see myself in you.”

There weren’t many times in his life when Hijikata had been rendered utterly speechless, but it seemed that the young master had a particular talent at striking his sharp tongue frozen. His mouth opened suddenly. Then, it closed.

And just when it parted again, in his true horrible timing fashion, Hikogoro’s voice pierced the air. “Katsuta-san?!”

The moment was lost, the seriousness slipping from Kondo’s expression as he smiled warmly at the harried man running up the dojo stairs. And while Hikogoro made his greetings and unleashed a chastising tirade for letting Kondo put his own training attire away, Hijikata’s silence persisted.

More samurai than any samurai.

A farmer with the greatest samurai spirit.

What do you want to be then?

“Oi, Toshizo! Are you even listening to me?!”

I see myself in you.

At last, he released the breath he hadn’t even realized he held.

#uss enterplaid #toshisami #hakuouki #t1 #writing on plaid paper #long post

[tumblunni]

Headcanons about maddiman's wife:

* name: Joy Nocturne

* her personality is like your classic 'overbearing wife' or 'loud woman' except its not a bad thing and i hate how its always stereotyped as a bad thing. She's confident and outspoken and badass and these are all the things that made Madds fall in love with her. Its also the things that makes everyone else think she's 'such a nag' and start rumours that their marriage is on the rocks, because he 'must be so whipped', etc. And back when they met in highschool everone thought she was a 'typical american thug' who was 'being a bad influence to that poor honor student'. Basically she's used to people hating her personality and she was already secretly doubting whether her husband also found her annoying/bossy/unattractive cos of this. Like she's usually able to be confident in the face of hate from strangers but as she grew to love this man she felt her old insecurities coming back. They were both having trouble talking about their feelings and worrying that their spouse didnt love them...

* oh and BIGGEST HEADCANON: she very much loved him and there was no villain of this story, just a sad tale of two people falling apart due to miscommunication. I think its infinately sadder if they were total soulmates and never stopped loving each other even after this tragic falling out. I feel like Joy just had to make the decision that was right for her son when her husband was never around to be part of his life. And with the way maddiman acted she had every reason to feel like he'd stopped loving her...she didnt leave because she hated him but because she didnt know why he was so distant and thought he hated her...

* She never remarried. She did manage to live a full life and raise their son to be an upstanding human being, but she never forgot about madds and never found anyone she loved more than him.

* She was actually there when he died. The point where he passed out midway through writing a diary entry wasnt actually the exact moment he died, his coworkers found his comatose body and rushed him into surgery. He was on life support for a few days befofe he faded away, having never woken up. Joy rushed over on the fastest flight possible to get to see him before it was too late, but she only managed to arrive in time to see his yokai self emerging and vanishing into the ether. This phantasm haunted her for the rest of her life and she sorta inherited his fatal yokai obsession, in hopes that what she saw was real...

* after her son died at just 17, she became even more tied to the desperate hope of her husband's old fairytales. Ultimately though, she was never able to find him. She actually could have walked straight past him and not been able to see him. And madds wouldnt have recognised her, only wondered why something in his heart says that this particular trespasser in the haunted hospital should be guided to the exit without harm.

* they first met in high school, oddly enough due to maddiman's dad being a massive asshole. Nogut always pressured his son to be perfect and live out all his dreams for him, blablabla, gotta get to the best schools and never get a single bad grade. Joy and madds werent in the same class so they hadnt talked much, and she only recently transferred anyway. But one day Nogut was in school for a parent teacher conference and he was being his usual pissy entitled self, blah blah im too important to be here and my son is the cause of all my problems somehow. So he got uhh.. "Distracted". Aka being an absolute fuckin creeper to underage highschool girls! Thus the day Joy first became friends with maddiman was also the day she became mortal enemies with his dad by kicking him in the balls. And shortly afterwards she bumped into maddiman who was hyperventilating in the same closet she coincidentally picked while hiding from Groinally Harmed Anger Dad. He was having a panic attack from the general stress of his dad being here, and she helped support him through it which became a really valued memory of his, and why he sees her as his hero. Well, that and shortly after when she was like 'lol i just met this total creeper and kneed him in the nads' 'THATS MY DAD' 'geez sorry dude' 'NO THATS AMAZING'

* she also helped him pull off his ultimate escape from trash dad. They had a plan in place for a long time that as soon as he turned 18 they were getting on a motorbike and riding off to Anywhere But Here. But he didnt expect her to literally bring a birthday cake and throw it in his dad's face! And then that was the beginning of their relationship. Madds had totally been crushing on her for quite a while but never knew how to confess, until the sheer awesomeness of that moment made him accidentally squeak it out while they were riding for their lives from an angry old man.

* oh and also there were probably a lot of funny cute clueless moments where it kept going over joy's head that he had a crush on her? I was thinking of a cute idea for a valentines day flashback where maddiman was too shy to give her a box of chocolates and she comes along like "man i didnt get any chocolates im glad you managed to get some!" "U-uhh no i umm..wanted to give them to someone but i...didnt." "Oh that sucks dude! At least now you can eat them all to yourself to help forget that girl. Lemme sneak one, tho!" And thus he ended up sharing the box of chocolates with the perosn he wanted to, even if she had no idea. And it was a very good day!

* also i think considering the pattern of him bottling up his feelings and running from relationship problems, it seems likely that he ran from the altar on his wedding day. But it was also one of the only times ever that that happened and it wasnt super sad. As he does, he got all worked up into a mess of anxiety and convinced he knew the only answer- the stupidest and most reckless answer! So even though he loved this woman he was so scared that he'd be a bad husband that he tried to jump out the window at the last second without even once trying to actually talk to her about any of this. But this time she did manage to find him! All the friends and family were like 'ugh leave him, he doesnt love you', but she knew there had to be more to it so she ran out in the rain in her wedding dress and searched for miles until she found him sobbing in a public bathroom. They managed to talk it out and get to the bottom of his feelings and actually resolved something for once, and it all went okay. It kinda helped that seeing her turn up all bedraggled in the wreckage of the dress she loved so much, bleeding from her tight heels and fighting off several biker gangs along the way helped convince him that "hey maybe she thinks i'm worth fighting for, so i should try and believe her". So yeah then she swept him off his feet and they danced all night as everyone else in the church was all "ugh she looks awful" and "why would she take him back", but the moment was so magical that they just didnt care. And thats how the biggest failure of a wedding was also the happiest day of their lives! (..though sadly the same doubts and communication difficulties would come up again and not be resolved so easily...)

* i keep flip flopping on what career i want to give her, but at the moment im thinking possibly owns a lil bakery/coffee shop type place? Madds is one of those people who cant stand the bitterness of tea/coffee and prefers caffinated sodas instead, but he used to drink strong coffee every day back when he was human just because his wife made it. He loved all the rest of her cooking so itd be cruel to say no! Its a lil detail that i figured would be cute but also foreshadow how he'd meet his tragic end, as it shows he's capable of bottling up his feelings for years even when talking would be so much easier. Also probably a comedic note that he's coming up with nonsensical mad science techniques to make himself able to drink coffee! "Shall i genetically modify my tastebuds or create an undetectable translucent plastic armour plate for my tongue?"

* also maybe she could make cinnamon rolls shaped like madds's doofy cyclops head when they reunite in the future. Just because i want to eat that.

[tova-onova]

war reporter //get killed before you speak

when you are torn and tortured, before losing your life, you have the most gracious and beautiful dreams

@Moths

*this is what today is made into entertainment as an industry - models starving to death, ballet dancers dying of anorexia because of the stress in their minds and the pain their bodies are too fragile to actually take for a long period of time without pauses for deep regeneration and rest.

(*NOTE: this post is designed to express frustrations, don’t take it literally. an though that is not debated, is false. i put stuff under deconstruction to find peace w/ them. don’t feel offended,if you can)

this pain has to be kept secret, intimate, personal. whispered, not shouted about on media. it is sickness depriving people of their intimate space of suffering or struggling and selling them out for money. to  point you either became desperate to try being gracious altogether and you give up on it, or you are left completely isolated and everyone else starts making fun of your personal efforts to reach glory and greatness through grace. i have no space to breathe - this hate reality is suffocating any human being who might mess up and fail, but is ready to continue trying and move on in order to become better at what they want to perfect about themselves in the first place, through art or craft.

INSTEAD YOU BECOME HUNTED and all the grudges othe rpeople have get clened with your intimacy and your capacity of dilligece to genius and grace. you are shamed for beign sog ood, ad it is expected of ou to be ahamed of your competency just because int he smae time some narcissist is feeling lonely and deprived because they are and never can be as good as you. there is no actual reson for hating other, or your colleagues - it is only jealousy and a very poor personal character. strng people cn accept defeat from rivals. ut psychopaths - can’t. they live in their own reality bubble and they are then only judge in it, and the only factor tobe judged - otehrs dont hold any real value to a arcissist, and it is like they don’t exist in the imagined erality fo a narc. many int he cerative industries have acted as full narc so far. and because of this all others that are different re on the verge of suffocating. ad eve if they wanted, they can’t express their desirs to help people learn in their day-to-day lives more about reativity, focus, strategic plnning, maing use of rt to have a healthier and peaceful life, while helping your community nd the evironmet to stay safe and great. the problems of the Earth are woven in fabric. not only social fabric, but al kinds of layers of the human activity that hs been permitted to occur so far. if we do a cleanup of the ocean of human consciousness and subconscious, while also we clean the physicla earth, we have to address big names, big brands, big industries, big practices and big amouts of abuse and narissism, that kill life on all levels - environment, personality, communit,industry, culture. and the ultimte value is ot harmony or beauty - it is money. and thus people who are aggressive ca steal moey while patient peopel who want to deeserve it die from exhaustion trying to earn eough to fund their projects.

but the public is anxious, as well as the agents and the providers of funding. why cn’t a critic wait, since a performer is the gold mine they are digging to make money out of? and how coem they take it all out on the perforemr for beig a human. the can’t create, the oly watch, the have a failed ambition to be the cretor, so they suffer in a pond of anger and negativity. they are dangerous becuse thy are afraid to invest in their love and desires so they become judgemental of others’ work, as they are judging themselves. they erate a false reality and media strts busing the split in their minds to burn rel people to ashes with negatibve hateful comments that ruin their careers if they get to hear them. the world of popular products of culture is sd because obody is feeling like an artist. the feel like a product. so they get offended by every criticism. they dont defend themselves and their genius, they defend  brand that they have been turned into for money. this is a very unstable livig style. and it never ends. it has to end because real people lose teir physical strength and they need pece from the nonstop drama of the popular stars who are alws hugr for money and fame, but never feel complete, liek a creator. a creator an keep silent. and can do meditatio by living life shining is part of all of it, it is not all of it.

this is unfair and all of humanity suffers because we ive in an ugly world becaus eof that narcissistic greed.

every beautiful piece has a history of cruelty, but the most cruel thing comes out from the artist who tries to overcome his or her human limitations by becoming even better and more gracious in their craft -

the cruelty comes from the critics who are jealous, from their influence in the media that makes the humanity of the artist seem as a weakness, but the drive of these critics is jealousy and not caring for their colleague - they wanted to be as good and they badly wanted to shine, but they are not as smart, or as tall, or as courageous and hard-working, so instead they resorted to being haters online ro in newspapers or at universities or in printed publications. they spread their poison on behalf of actual craftsmen and artists.

a person struggles when they face their limits and have self-criticism. but they take a break only to regain their power and then try again. today every failure of someone who is trying to demonstrate grace to the entire world, is made into a sensation and the person is balacened as a complete moron, total failure, garbage or unksilled as an artist, simply because he said ‘i need to take a break’. this pace of insanity is called a nuclear war reality. where do you hurry for? what is more important than giving time for a doung to rise and than be baked into a sourdough bread? what more important job do you have than wait and observe and do LIFE?? huh?

and why is the body of a young person expected to compensate for that???? why do you not sacrifice your body if you re in such a big strong hurry to blow yourself up in another hatred-ridden ‘islamic state’ attack on the private space of individuals from peaceful cultures who lead logical lives and are not narcissists who create deliberate chaos to steal attention to themselves, because they re worthless and they don’t do anything all day, but they want to be the actor of their show, because they have sold their soul to a culture that makes them think they are more than everyone else and they are god, but it becomes sad and terrifying and empty because they don;t have anything else but their fake ideas that cant feed them or provide them with warmth and shelter. so they steal nd they terrorize all of the rest - to tare their peace out of them, to torture their brains their guts everything - until everyone is as dead s the narcs are. and they call this massacre dead end game a ‘win’

.........

they are a poison all over internet and everywhere where there are humans who express themselves artistically and want to be able to express their humanity freely

to the point of losing all energy in battling the savage brutality of haters, instead of producing even more enchanting and spectacular art with their skills.

when it is not safe to have a different opinion, and your job and livelihood depends on you putting up with brutality just to make ends meet, how does anyone expect to not see young people who loo alienated and who hate their surroundings? people are irresponsible enough to not care about anything else int he world than their living room and their dinner, but when their grandchildren come and show them a radioactive piece of trash they found while swimming in the ocean, they call the child mentally sick or bad and defiant, and they tell the child it is a threat. Do you really thin that being killed by radioactive weapon is an unreal threat but your child warning you about someone’s plans to low you out of existence is one??? Stupid idiot

-THE REPORT IS INTERRUPTED BECAUSE YOU BECOME MURDERED. a.k.a. YOU GET KILLED-

[peutro]

wonhobi ofc, cckencall, line taeguk! - this is moose who cant remember the login to their mumu For now FAKSDJFL

@vingtvies

WONHOBI

gives nose/forehead kisses

wonho is the king of forehead kisses. when he’s saying goodbye on his way to work, or good morning when hoseok awakens, or a hello — the FOREHEAD KISSES emerge. hoseok gives out nose kisses when wonho is being cute and when they’re cuddling.

gets jealous the most

listen… we KNOW they’re both the jealous type, to the point it’s almost kinda bad JKFNGKDJ i’m still inclined to say wonho, just because he’d be more obvious with his jealousy ( with him getting moody ) but also because he’d try to hide it once they’re together, but he can’t help it !!!!! he trusts hoseok, so much, but he still thinks he deserves better and thinks one day hoseok’s gonna wake up and realize that and yea.

picks the other up from the bar when they’re too drunk to drive

this works both ways too… but i gotta say wonho. once they get into a relationship esp, and because wonho literally owns a club, he’s grown responsible with his drinking and doesn’t work to get drunk like he used to earlier in his life

takes care of on sick days

wow a lot of these can apply to both of them, just because you already know they’re gross with each other… but okay, i will say wonho takes care of hoseok more so, just because wonho really … doesn’t get sick, it’s pretty rare for him, but that’s why when he does get sick, i’d imagine hoseok will worry and do whatever he can to make him feel better hmm.

drags the other person out into the water on beach day

hoseok drags out wonho, we been knew this.

gives unprompted massages

i… want to say hoseok…. 

drives/rides shotgun

wonho drives, hoseok rides shotgun — you know i’m right.

brings the other lunch at work

this also works both ways, but i’m gonna say wonho. he drops in and brings hoseok lunch when he’s on his own break and can slip away from work, but the same could be applied to hoseok, whenever he can come visit wonho @ headquarters.

has the better parental relationship

hmm, this is kinda tricky to be honest. wonho’s pretty wtf since he found out he’s adopted and even though he loves his parents, he can’t believe they kept it secret for that long… but also since his dad’s sick he’s been ignoring that and trying to not be so difficult …. but i think hoseok has a great relationship with his parents, even though i’m guessing he doesn’t talk to them as much since he moved to be with his aunt, right ?? but i am still inclined to say hoseok, u can fight me on this. 

tries to start role-playing in bed

hoseok. u know.

embarrassingly drunk dancer

hoseok. i know he’s super good actually, but wonho doesn’t drink to get drunk, thus … would never let himself go long enough to dance.

still cries watching titanic

HOSEOK.

firmly believes in couples costumes

HOSEOK !!!  wonho would never embarass himself like that.

breaks the expensive gift rule during christmas

wonho… this needs no explanation, he would spoil hoseok to no end.

makes the other eat breakfast

this might seem strange, but wonho. ever since his dad got sick, he’s been even more on top of keeping a healthy regimen, and i think we know hoseok’s not… the best at taking care of himself. wonho, knowing this, would make sure to remind hoseok to keep himself on top of things, and also make him breakfast ( and dinner when they’re home and want to eat in, or do something special )

remembers anniversaries

hoseok. although wonho’s not the worst at these, and he does have a planner ( and secretary at work ) to keep him on top of things, he still has those days when he’s overwhelmed with work !!!!! hoseok is just… really good at the romantic aspect of the relationship ( even though wonho was with sooyoung for so long, he’s just … really bad at putting others before work, no matter how much he wants to )

brings up having kids

hmm, i know we’d talked about this a lot, and i’m going to say … hoseok, just because wonho wants kids, he really does, but he’s not gonna be the most vocal about it, whilst hoseok would probably ( once they’re comfortable with each other and confident it won’t completely scare the other off ) drop it in a convo here and there until they discuss it and are ready.

KENCALL

gives nose/forehead kisses

kenta definitely, considering he’s much more out there than yongguk. yongguk’s not one for displays of affection ( although it’s also not so rare, he just struggles with it a lot )

gets jealous the most

hmm i think. kenta might show he’s jealous more so than yongguk ever would, but i think yongguk takes the lead for this. while he wants kenta to be happy in life and thinks he’s lucky to be … well, lucky, he also doesn’t want him to leave his side because kenta’s all he’s ever known, his other half, and he struggles with these two different mindsets — keeping kenta close, and letting him go.

picks the other up from the bar when they’re too drunk to drive

do they even drink omg  ?? i’m gonna say yongguk just because he doesn’t really drink unless its in the comforts of his home, and even then he’s hesitant, because he’s too afraid to like… let go, you know, so he’s always feel to pick kenta up if asked.

takes care of on sick days

hands down, must say kenta. yongguk’s the one who gets sick all the time / hurt, so kenta would take care of him whenever possible / let him bask in his “lucky” presence.

drags the other person out into the water on beach day

kenta would drag yongguk out, the latter’s probably scared of the ocean.

gives unprompted massages

hmm, could go both ways, but i want to say yongguk because he knows kenta works hard and must be tired, but i don’t know if it’d be unprompted because he doesn’t want to just intrude. but also kenta because yongguk does get hurt / bruised a lot and is stressed about well, everything a lot.

drives/rides shotgun

kenta drives, yongguk rides shotgun … but it could work the other way too, idk kjnfndnjfg.

brings the other lunch at work

hmm, yongguk. he just has more time to do so.

has the better parental relationship

N/A.

tries to start role-playing in bed

kenta. this needs no explanation.

embarrassingly drunk dancer

kenta. yongguk doesn’t dance, period !!!!!  but kenta’s a good dancer considering his day time job, so maybe it’s just more wild when he’s drunk.

still cries watching titanic

kenta. a very emotional card > yongguk who still doesn’t understand, but feels perhaps a small pang of sadness for the ending.

firmly believes in couples costumes

kenta !!! it’s not my fault my muses are emotionally constipated !!!

breaks the expensive gift rule during christmas

b….oth.

makes the other eat breakfast

kenta, because yongguk isn’t responsible for shit, but yongguk would probably try cooking whenever kenta’s around because he actually likes doing it … he just needs kenta to remind him to actually do it too.

remembers anniversaries

yongguk, he’s just really good with dates and stuff.

brings up having kids

HNGJDK is this even possible for cards …. 

TAEGUK.

gives nose/forehead kisses

i think taehyung would be the more affectionate one between the two, even though jeongguk loves him just as much, taehyung doesn’t feel the need to restrict a boundary between them. but even jeongguk is weak @ times and will do both too !!!

gets jealous the most

jeongguk, he’s secure in his relationship but he also can’t help….. how he feels… my muses are all the jealous type.

picks the other up from the bar when they’re too drunk to drive

i’m gonna say taehyung because jeongguk probably goes out drinking with his coworkers a lot and would give taehyung a heads up and taehyung being taehyung would go pick him up … maybe surprise him sometimes afterwards.

takes care of on sick days

jeongguk takes care of taehyung, although this applies to both of them — jeongguk just ignores his sickness until its unavoidable / until he can’t hide it from taehyung anymore. however, he has a knack for know when taehyung gets sick and will force him to get back into bed right away.

drags the other person out into the water on beach day

jeongguk loves swimming and will bring taehyung down with him

gives unprompted massages

jeongguk 18452852% does this wanting 1. to help taehyung wind down after a long day but 2. also because that leads to shoulder kisses which usually leads to s e x.

drives/rides shotgun

jeongguk drives, taehyung rides shotgun usually.

brings the other lunch at work

taehyung brings jeongguk lunch, or they just end up surprising each other and take their breaks together.

has the better parental relationship

i think we established jeongguk has a messy relationship with his parents ?? so taehyung.

tries to start role-playing in bed

i wanna say taehyung … but i think jeongguk would go this far too, especially considering how they met LMAO.

embarrassingly drunk dancer

taehyung. jeongguk is good @ dancing, i’m typical.

still cries watching titanic

this… could apply to jeongguk, he’s sentimental, not that he’d admit it. easy tears up during sad movies but tries to hide it.

firmly believes in couples costumes

ok lowkey i’m gon say both by once again citing the origins of their first meeting. maybe just a tiny bit more taehyung to convince jeongguk of the idea and then he’s 100% in.

breaks the expensive gift rule during christmas

jeongguk. doesn’t understand the value of $$$, he wants to get his man the best.

makes the other eat breakfast

TRICKY…. they’re both bad @ breakfast imo because early risers ?? they stay in bed as late as they possibly can, and if they’re working early, they’ll try to leave the other undisturbed if possible. if it got more domestic, i think it’d be taehyung because jeongguk’s a grouch in the morning and not @ all an early riser … a cup of coffee is a must to get him out of bed.

remembers anniversaries

considering how sappy and invested they both are in the relationship, i’m inclined to say both !!

brings up having kids

i think … taehyung simply because jeongguk wouldn’t think about kids until taehyung brings it up because he’s just … never thought about having his own until he’s with taehyung and then it’d be some sappy shit like imagining raising someone with the love of his life and thinking how great he’d turn out under tae’s influence and yeah !!!!!! a sap

#Anonymous #this is so sappy and long wow a whole 3 of our ships icb .... i hope the answers aren't so similar we have Types