#but still makes me like almost cry seeing myself listed as one of his grandkids

[tothesolarium]

Did ya know I illustrated a book? The way of Loving Kindness: an imperfect process of spiritual engagement by David Orendorff. I keep forgetting to make a nice post about it with teasers and stuff but- this is my grandpa, one of the kindest people I’ve met next to my Nana and some friends.

They’re the reason I’ve been able to work on my art and story so much recently, and have been keeping me from drowning in these… Emotions, to say the least.

The book is about the universal love and the work of being kind to the whole. He is a Methodist and a retired pastor, but he considers my magic and demons to be just as loving and good as what he does. Well, he’s certainly helped more people directly than I have, but he’s an old man! Give me time to catch up fhfhdhs

So to my witches and whoever else follows me, I really recommend this book. It’s got ten illustrations of mine, and a lot of good words.

He’s a wizard but wouldn’t call himself one, but has a better altar than I do.

Y’all better know what a big deal it is for me to recommend something like this

#it’s taken me awhile to read it cuz- i know quiet a bit of what was going on it and helped make it less Gody lolol #but still makes me like almost cry seeing myself listed as one of his grandkids #family is good #often it’s the chosen ones but #damn I’m lucky and grateful #anywho check out the book 10/10 #I’ll do links and stuff tomorrow #i hope #but I’ve been sick #pop story time- the lion was feeling wounded and weak so he went up to the gazzel and roared who is the king of the jungle #the gazzel said you sir! you are the mightiest king! #the elephant and boar did the same #the lion went to the small mouse and roared who is the king of the jungle #the mouse sniffled and said not me I’ve been sick #i sick mouse but when we get better kings tho #taken me awhile also cuz I’m distracted by so many books #but yah I’ll make this with some pics and links tomorrow #if I don’t do this now it’s not gunna happen! cuz !! scatterbrained

[flcwerborne-a]

“ i… i would’ve liked for mr. hartley to be the one to walk me down the aisle, but he’s— he’s gone, of course. “    her gaze lowers to her phone as she grips it tightly in her lap. her knuckles are white. she didn’t know who else to ask. well, except for her dad. his name reads in big bold letters on the screen. she feels maren’s hand rubbing her back soothingly.

“ i know, songbird. i know he would’ve been happy to walk you down the aisle and see you get married. “

the little fae can picture it, the smile on his face, the tears of happiness pricking the corners of his eyes. the tight, warm hug he would’ve given her before taking a seat in the front pew. she can’t say she believes for sure in any sort of afterlife, but maybe he would be somewhere looking down at her, smiling, happy for her. melody hopes so. she wants to call her dad, too, at least to tell him that she’s getting married. she would of course be happy to bring him here to norway, money isn’t an issue, it’s just… what if she can’t even look at him? her lower jaw trembles. she hasn’t spoken to him since… well, since she moved out when she had enough money to do so. she was twenty-one then, now twenty-five. four years… it’s a long time to not even speak to someone, isn’t it? especially family, but they parted on such bad terms that melody didn’t even want to speak to him, much less see him again.

she felt that her father should know about his only daughter’s marriage to the woman she loves and plans to spend the rest of her life with, even if… even if he doesn’t want to come. he would still at least know and melody would be okay with that.

from the corner of her vision, she can see maren lean down to look at her wife. there’s a gentle, reassuring smile on her face.    “ you don’t have to call him if you don’t want to, mel. we could always walk down the aisle together. “

actually… melody would like that. she’d like a lot. it would be enough for her father to be in attendance, right? right there in the front with her mother. yeah, that would be good.    “ i— i think i’d like that. “    she says and looks up to maren, a smile forming on her own lips. her gaze returns to her phone.    “ even if he doesn’t walk me down the aisle, it’s enough for him to be there, right? “

“ whatever you want, songbird. “

she had hoped for something a little more sure, a yes or a no, but in the end, it’s all up to her. melody taps her phone screen and her dad’s name pops up again. although maren and melody changed phone numbers after their move to norway, she had kept his number for… what? she supposes maybe she would’ve gotten the urge to call him at some point. before now, she has, but still felt too hurt to follow through and actually call him. for a while, melody hated herself for wanting to call him, to update him on her life. i’ve made many friends. i own a flower shop now. i fell in love and i know in my heart that she’s the one. we adopted a little girl together, her name is ariel and i know you and mom would adore her. you always hoped for grandkids, y’know?

but she would always chicken out and wouldn’t call him. still, she kept his number in her contacts list.

melody’s thumb hovers over the call button. finally, as she presses it, she reaches for maren’s hand and holds it tight. she feels her wife give it a squeeze of acknowledgement and she looks up at her, lips pressed in a thin, worried smile. it rings a few times. static. a voice.

“ hello? “

recognizing her father’s voice, her heart drops into the pit of her stomach. she doesn’t speak immediately.

“ hello? is anyone there? “    his voice is as gruff and gravelly as she remembers. her hold on her wife’s hand tightens.    “ look, if this is a prank, i— “

“ dad? it’s— it’s me. it’s melody. “

there’s silence on the other end and for a moment the little fae worries he’ll hang up. he doesn’t want to talk to her, of course he doesn’t. he certainly doesn’t want to see her. why should he? they left on such bad terms and—

“ mel? is that— is it really you? “    in the background, she can hear her mother gasp and call her name. is that melody? she hears her father whisper almost shakily, yeah. melody chews the inside of her cheek, her heart pounding hard against her ribs.    “ your phone number, i didn’t recognize it at first. i would’ve… i didn’t mean to sound short. “

“ n-no, it’s— it’s fine. i had to change my number a while back, but i— i-i never— “     she takes a deep breath, soothed by the feeling of maren’s hand still on her back, rubbing soothing circles over it. nonetheless, tears well in her eyes. she quickly puts the conversation on speaker so maren can listen too.    “ yeah, it’s really me, dad. there’s, um, something important i have to tell you. “

she hears her mother’s voice again. her dad put melody’s voice on speaker.    “ is everything okay? are you hurt? “

“ hi mom. no, everything is… is great. in fact, i’m… i’m getting married, and i want you to be there. both of you. “

“ married? oh, honey i’m so proud of you. if only you could see your father’s face now. he’s beaming with pride. “

a small laugh leaves melody and she can’t help but smile.    “ really? “

her dad answers this time.    “ yeah, i’m real proud of you, mel. are you happy, does she make you happy? “

melody looks up at maren. her smile grows and she nods.    “ she does, yeah. we’re very happy. i’d love for you to meet her. it’s okay if you can’t afford to fly here, we’d be happy to cover the costs. “    she wants to mention ariel to them, but melody also wants to surprise them with her, too. it would be nice to see the looks on their faces when she introduces their daughter to her parents.

“ well, of course we’d love to attend! we wouldn’t miss your wedding for the world. just— call us again when you’re prepared to have us there, okay? “

“ okay, mom. i promise. “    melody pauses, her smile growing more.    “ i really can’t wait for you to meet my fiancée. i know you’ll love her. “

“ we look forward to meeting her and seeing you again, honey. “    and then the little fae hears her mother whispering to her father, urging him to say… something, she doesn’t catch what. her mother says goodbye, that she has something important to do. and the there’s silence for a little while.

��� dad? “    she calls softly, chewing the inside of her cheek.

“ i wanted to call you after… after you left, but i didn’t think you wanted to speak to me for a while or, well, ever again. so i didn’t. i beat myself up over it. whenever you called your mother, i wanted to ask you how you were doing, but i— i didn’t think you wanted to talk to me. “    he heaves a sigh. she hears the chair he sits in creak as his weight in it shifts.

“ we parted ways pretty badly, didn’t we? “    melody asks, voice quiet.

“ we did, but it was my fault. i thought— i thought i was protecting you. i didn’t want anyone to learn about your true nature because i didn’t want anything bad to happen to you. i didn’t want anyone to take advantage of your powers or for you to be shunned because of them. and, at the time, i didn’t think… i didn’t see how much you really loved what you were doing. i didn’t understand. i didn’t think you would really be happy being a florist for the rest of your life. at the time, it just seemed like a waste. “

“ dad, it’s— “

“ melody, please, i need to get this off of my chest. “

she gives a small nod.    “ okay, go on. “

“ over the years and all the phonecalls to and from your mother, she told me how happy you were with your life and that you even own a shop of your own now. she keeps saying how well you’ve done with your business and i— i couldn’t be more proud of you, melody. i’m so happy for you. i just— i hope you can forgive me for how i treated you and put you down for your dream. i’m so, so sorry, melody. “

tears spill down her cheeks and her hands tremble. she feels maren give her hand a squeeze and bring it up to her lips, pressing kisses to her knuckles. how long had she hoped he would apologize? how long had she felt bitter for what he did? it still hurts, but it hurts a little less. the sincerity of her father’s apology lifts another weight from her shoulders. she feels lighter again.

“ melody, are you still there? “

“ sorry, yeah, i-i'm still here. “    the little fae sniffles and wipes the tears from her cheeks and eyes. forgiveness. that’s a step, though a difficult one, toward healing, right? how does one forgive? do they just say it? i forgive you. or is there more to it? how does one actively forgive someone for the pain they caused? melody doesn’t know. no therapist could explain it to her. still, it’s important, right? it’s important to repairing their relationship.    “ i forgive you, dad. “

silence. she hears sniffling on the other end, then crying. she can’t help it when tears stream down her cheeks again. melody never could help herself when someone she loves cries around her.    “ oh, melody, i’ve waited so long to hear you say that. i’m so happy that you can forgive me. i’m so happy you called me. “

“ i-i— i’m glad you picked up the phone, dad. i… i’d like to do this again soon. but, y’know, t-talk more. “

“ i’d love to do that. just call, okay? any time for any reason. “

wiping the tears from her cheeks, she smiles again and nods.    “ of course. a-and the same goes for you, too. you have my number again, so— so just call when you want. “

“ hey, mel? i love you. “

“ i love you, too, dad. “

#wanted to write her reconnecting w her dad tbh #and them starting to repair their relationship #so here's a lil drabble #:) #drabble. #i saw the beast in her and still i fell for her. ( maren ♡ melody ) #berygtct #tagging u since maren is partly in it #🥺 #also no formatting bc i'm too lazy oof

[spooky-raccoon]

Years Later (Part 8)

Pennywise x Female Reader

Part 8 to Years later!

Tag List: @trig-loves-clowning-around @rottenhearts-and-sharpteeth @aethersghoulette @sewer-clown-hype @clussysposts @originalclodmakergarden @queendemonfangirl @yeetingful @pennywi-se @wanna-rock-n-roll-in80s @risettochan

         The next morning, I could hardly tell what was sore and what wasn’t. My whole body ached and when I tried to get up from bed my body caved, making me fall back down.  I groaned out, my throat sore and parched.  I turned my head to the side to find a small note, folded in a triangle, beside a glass of water.  There was even a straw in it.  Odd. I rolled over and managed to get the glass of water and the note.  As I sipped on the water I took to reading the note.  It had Pennywise’s barely eligible handwriting.  I would have thought a being who had all the time in the world would have good penmanship but that wasn’t the case.  At least I could read it.

        ‘My little (Y/N),

Did so well for me last night.  Rest.  Rest the day away.  No need for work today.  Already made arrangements.  Won’t notice you there.  Rest. Drink up and will be back soon. Very soon.

        Word to the wise from Pennywise.’

        There was a smiley face on a balloon next to his little ending signature which made me chuckle.  At least Robert’s handwriting was nicer but Pennywise had the better signature.  I set the note back on the nightstand and finished about half of the water before laying back comfortable in the bed.  I looked to see that the bed was normal.  Not a spot of blood or dried up pool of saliva. Even my wounds were bandaged up. Poorly, but it was better than nothing. I stared up at my ceiling and tried to think of why he would clean up and even patch up my wounds.  He never had in the past.  Before I could think too much on it I was starting to fall back asleep.

------

27 Years Ago

         Pennywise and I had taken a stroll through the woods by the Barrens. It had been a nice enough day and Pennywise was in a better mood than usual.  I suppose it was from hunting earlier and he had gotten a group of campers who had wondered too close to the sewer entrance.  Or maybe it was the group of kids who had gone into the Neibolt house for a little ‘adventure’ that he made go insane as they tried to traverse the house. Either way, he was a pleased clown so right now he was kinder than usual.  As we walked I listened to him chat about various ways he had caught meals as of recent.  Sure, it made my skin crawl in some of the ways, but I couldn’t help being a little interested.  Just a little curious of this weird being that was Pennywise the Dancing Clown.  

        Along our walk we found a nice flat rock that both of us could sit on that the river moved around.  I laid out on it, stretching some which made my back pop in just a few places.  My hands folded under my head and I looked toward the sky that was painted in hues of orange, purple and blue as the sun was setting.  Stars were starting to show up here and there.  Pennywise laid out beside me, taking up most of the rock.  He copied my position as he too stared up at the sky. For a while we were quiet, and the thought crossed my mind.

         “Pennywise?”  My head tilted toward him to take a look at him.  He let out an inquisitive hum as he looked down to meet my gaze.  “Do you ever miss it up there?  Where you came from?”

          “Not particularly.”  Pennywise shrugged while looking back up to the sky.  “Have food here.  Don’t have to worry about that damn turtle.”  Maturin. Pennywise’s brother.  Pennywise had told me how Maturin coughed up the universe that I live in like a cat with a hairball.  It was almost unbelievable but knowing Pennywise and what he was, I could believe it.  “I have Derry under my thumb along with some other towns.  Why give up food that follows my whim?”

         “Makes sense.”  My gaze followed his back up to the sky.  “Wonder what other universes are like.  How different each one is.”  I was getting lost in my own curious thoughts which made Pennywise chuckle.

        “I can’t remember too much from mine.  Coming here and landing took a lot out of me.”  Pennywise raised a hand and pointed to a star that was brighter than all the rest even with the sun still somewhat out.  “Came from that direction.  Just right through.”

        I looked to the spot he was pointing, and my head tilted to the side as I tried to think of what it must have been like.  Before I could get too lost into thought he rolled over and he was suddenly over me, on his hands and knees with a wide grin.  I yelped and could feel my cheeks blushing brightly.  I hadn’t adjusted yet to the times he wouldn’t scare me, and he had been becoming more affectionate.  It was strange.  At first it was little things like wanting to be closer to me or even sitting with me when I watched movies.  Hell, the other night he had pulled me into his lap during a horror movie we were watching together.  My mind was still reeling at even that.

        “Little (Y/N) is a curious thing.  Wanting to know so much in such their short life.”  His head went from side to side and his bells in his collar jingled.  “Could perhaps help with that.  Yes, yes I could.”

        “I, uh, how could you do that Pennywise?”  My brow raised as I tried to not focus as his face was getting closer to mine.  His lips wet and looking plumper than usual.  No, they were always like that but god he was so close, and thoughts had gotten to my mind about what it would be like to have them against mine.  Just once and I would have been happy.

        “Agree.  Simple. Agree.  Say yes.”  He snickered, his tongue swiping at his lips.  His eyes were starting to change from their baby blue to the golden hue that I was more familiar with.  “Say yesssss to me.”

        My eyes faltered to his lips and that was enough for him for me to agree.  His lips met mine and they were softer than I could have imagined.  I could taste sweetness of cotton candy and a strong taste of iron that I could only be guess from blood.  As the sun was setting as stars started to fill the night sky he was working the clothes off my body, tossing them carelessly to the side of the rock. When I tried to cover myself, he pinned my arms down and growled in my face, reassuring me that no one would see and even if they did that they wouldn’t live to see another day.  I could feel my face was red from embarrassment and he  was eating up every bit of it, mocking me he peeled off the last of my clothes.

        “Little (Y/N) so worried that someone will see her body.  See your curves.  Gaze at your squishy bits that belong to me.  See how you give yourself up to Pennywise.”  He giggled as he started to tear away his own costume.  I had never seen him without it, so I watched with curiosity despite my nerves.  His whole body was pale white like his makeup.  There were even cracks in it like the ones on his face.  Everything seemed almost normal except for where his genitals were.  It looked like a row of sharp teeth that were starting to open up with a sickening wet sound. A thick, black tendril started to emerge from out of it that was riddled with different shapes of bumps and ridges. As it moved through the air, it shifted from red to a deep purple but always back to black.  The head was a bit flared and looked stiffer than the rest of it. A whimper left my throat and he laughed out as he worked on getting himself lined out as it finished emerging from him. “Relax, relax.  Going to give you everything you wanted.  Everything.”  

         I could feel it move along my folds which made me gasp out. It was exploring me as he loomed above me to watch my reactions.  My eye lids fluttered for a moment before he plunged it into me.  I cried out, not expecting for what it would feel like. It felt like heaven.  Every bump.  Every ridge and even the flared head made it feel like pure bliss.  He fucked into me as if he had always been the one to do so. He didn’t need to learn my body. He already knew each spot would make me melt more for him, melt so he could mold me into what he wanted and what he needed.  He played with my body and I was soon crying out his name as orgasm after orgasm rolled off of me.  

        Eventually, we were both collapsed onto the rock and he had me laid out on top of his body.  The sun had already set and there were the sounds of frogs, crickets and other bugs sounding off around us.  Things were still illuminated by the full moon and the stars above us.  Oddly, it was peaceful.  His hands even were running along my back.  The night was strangely soothing, and I could feel myself starting to fall asleep on him.  His question pulled me back just a little bit though.

        “Does little (Y/N) wish to have a family some day?  A little brood of her own?”  I could feel his head moving down to look toward me.

         “One day would be nice.”  I yawned out, not giving his question too much thought.  I knew he would have to go rest at some point and I would go on about my own life.  “Would be nice to settle down, get married, and have some kids before I die.  Maybe see some grandkids while I’m a little old lady on the porch.”  My chuckle was tired, and my eyes were starting to shut.

        “Would you do anything for them?  Whatever it took for them to thrive?”  He was sounding more serious with each question.  All I could do though was nod.  If he was planning on bothering me when he came back and try to go after my kids I would do what I could to protect them if that’s what he meant. Or maybe he would leave them alone because they were mine.  With a lighthearted giggle he patted me on the shoulder, and he was sounding like his clowny self again.  “Good, good little (Y/N).  Always good to hear.  Now rest.”

         Little did I know Pennywise was going to make sure I wouldn’t grow old.  That I wouldn’t find someone to spend the rest of my mortal life with.  At first I had thought he wanted to take away my hopes and dreams from me like he had done before.  Though, in a way I did get my wish.  That the child I would someday carry would be his.  I after all did agree.  At the time I didn’t know what I had agreed to, but I had agreed to be his. No matter what.

#pennywise fanfic #pennywise fanfiction #pennywise the dancing clown #pennywise smut #pennywise the dancing clown smut #pennywise x reader #pennywise x female reader #pennywise: years later #pennywise: years later part 8

[sweet-teas-writing]

A Woman Scorned (Chp 1)

A/N: Hello beautiful people! The day is here! The debut of my new project. I've been working on this for a couple weeks now (all while juggling college), and as my gift to you, I will be giving you the first TWO chapters of A Woman Scorned. I will try to update a new chapter each week, and if I end up falling behind I will sure to keep you updated on that too! So sit back, get comfortable, and get ready for one hell of a ride!

A/N 2: Also, if you want to be added to the tag list, ask me! I'll be sure to include you!

Warnings: This story is meant for people aged 18+. Talk of verbal abuse/domestic violence, cheating, betrayal, masturbation (not yet), and SMUT (also not yet)

One: From the Beginning

Present Day

As I sat on my front porch, I could feel the warm sun on my skin. I could smell the fresh clean air. The waves knocked against the rocky shoreline. And inside our beach house, I can hear my grandchildren chatting and laughing with their grandfather. His loud, boisterous laugh echoed throughout the entire house, reaching me outside the screen door. I chuckled to myself as my daughter, Angela, scoffed in amusement next to me with a glass of iced tea in her hands.

"They're just like him, Mami," she told me.

"They sure are, mija," I told her back. "So full of life, ambition, and laughter. It was one of the many reasons I fell for your father in the first place."

"Do you regret how you met Dad?" Angela asked me.

I turned to look at her and shook my head. "No Angie. Your father was the first man to ever make me feel like I was something. My husband at the time wasn't giving me the love and attention that I deserved. Yes, I felt bad that it was under those circumstances that I got together with your father but I don't regret it at all."

"The way Dad looks at you, Mami… it's just beautiful." Angela sighed. "He always has the biggest smile on his face whenever he's around you. Like you're his light or something."

I laughed. "Well he always tells me that he regretted letting me go the first time. And once we were married, he wasn't letting me go. And here we are, 30 years, a beautiful daughter and three grandchildren later, still together and still happy."

The screen door came open and my husband Alastor came out followed by our grandchildren, Alejandro "Alex" (21), Alaina (19), and Ariana "Raina" (16), still laughing. He turned to Angie and me with a raised eyebrow and his signature smile plastered on his face.

"So what are you ladies talking about?" he asked us curiously.

"You as always," I snorted.

"Aw, it's nice that you think about me," Alastor chuckled before kissing my cheek. "I couldn't have asked for a better family: a loving wife, a talented daughter, and…" he turned to give our grandkids a big group hug "these adorable gifts right here."

"Aren't we a little old for group hugs, abuelo?" Alex asked in embarrassment but accepted the hug anyway.

"In my eyes, my boy," Alastor started. "No you are not. Ask your mother, she knows."

Angela laughed. "Always such the charmer, Papi. It's no wonder you ended up with Mom."

Alastor smiled down at me lovingly. "I wouldn't choose anyone else I would rather be with other than your mother. She will always be the love of my life. Despite the way we got together." He said that last line with a wink.

"Speaking of which," Alaina asked. "How did you guys end up together?"

"Yeah," Raina retorted. "Abuela, how did you and Grandpa Alastor meet?"

Alastor and I looked at each other before turning to our daughter for a sign.

"I think they're old enough to be told the story," Angie said. "It was bound to come up sooner or later."

Alastor shrugged and I gave a small smile. "Well, my dears, it's a bit of a long story. A long, complicated story." I said. "I was still married at the time when I met your grandfather, but my husband at that time… well he wasn't good to me. He wasn't faithful, he was controlling, and I wasn't happy with him."

"So why did you stay, abuela?" Alex asked.

"Well, mijo, I thought I was in love with him," I answered honestly. "I thought if I was patient enough, then he would change his ways. I was a young, naive girl at that time who thought keeping him happy was more important than my own happiness. That is… until your grandfather came along."

"So you two were lovers?" Alaina mused. "Kinda intriguing."

Alastor chuckled. "That may be true, Alaina, but I didn't see your grandmother as my lover. She was more like… the one that got away. And I was willing to do anything to get her back. Even if it meant "stealing" her away from her husband. But to fully understand how we met, it's best that we start from the beginning."

***

Miami, Florida, 1993

"Ava! Get your ass up! I'm hungry!" Jason yelled.

I deeply sighed before I rolled over to check the time on my alarm clock: 9:13 a.m. I sat up in the queen sized bed inside our condominium and looked out the window. It was cloudy with peeks of sunshine seeping in through the bedroom window. I saw a bluebird sitting on the windowsill, its chirping a sweet melodic sound. I smiled at the bluebird before I heard a loud bang from the sound of our bedroom door opening. My husband Jason entered our bedroom with a grumpy look on his face.

"Ava, I said I was hungry! The fuck you still doing in bed?"

"I just woke up Jason," I deadpanned. "I just needed a moment to fully get myself together."

"Well get up, I'm hungry now. At least be good for something and make some breakfast. What kind of wife are you?" he grumbled before shutting the door.

"Good morning to you too," I whispered sadly.

I've been married to Jason Mitchell for a year now but we've been together for almost 5. And to be honest, it's been absolute hell. All he does is belittle me and tells me that I'm a an awful partner, despite him being the one who's been unfaithful to me ever since we were together. He's cheated on me with countless women, I would threaten to leave him, he apologizes saying he won't do it again, I end up taking him back, and yet this toxic cycle repeats itself. I don't know why I'm still with him honestly; maybe it's because a part of me is in love with him, maybe it's fear of being alone, who knows? But I don't know how much longer I can take his constant abuse, but in the meantime I'll just swallow my pride and continue to play "the good wife."

I did one final stretch before I went into the bathroom to freshen up. I washed my face and brushed my teeth then I took a look at myself in the mirror. My normally bouncy curly hair looks like a matted mess on top of my head, dark circles stained around my eyes, my normally radiant caramel skin appeared kinda pale under the fluorescent light. I was exhausted; both physically and mentally. But yet I put on makeup to hide the dark spots, brushed my hair into a neat bun, and got dressed to make a quick breakfast for Jason and me before heading to work.

In the kitchen, Jason sat at the table reading a newspaper when I walked in. I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before I went to the refrigerator and took out ingredients for eggs and French toast.

"'Bout time you got up," Jason scoffed. "I was starving in here."

"You know," I said. "You can always cook for yourself whenever I don't have time."

Jason gave a mocking laugh: "But then what will you be good for? You're the wife, you're supposed to cook and clean for the husband."

I rolled my eyes. "Times are changing honey. Women are allowed to work and have careers too."

"Whatever Ava," Jason grumbled. "Oh by the way, I'll be out late tonight so you don't have to wait up for me."

I froze after cracking an egg in the skillet. "I thought you said you were done 'staying out late'?"

"It's just for work, dear," Jason said. "Don't get your panties all twisted up."

Rage bubbled within me. I knew he was lying. The last time Jason "stayed out late," he smelled of perfume and had lipstick on his collar. I could feel tears form in my eyes, but I wouldn't let him see me cry.

"Why don't you stay home tonight?" I suggested. "We can order take out and cuddle on the couch like we used to."

Jason shook his head. "Can't babe. It's important. I promised them I would stay." He looked at me up and down before he spoke again. "Plus you don't look as appealing to cuddle with at the moment," he snorted.

I said nothing as I plated the food and gave one plate to him. Jason's eyes lit with glee upon seeing the food and began to scarf a forkful of eggs down his throat.

"I'm running late," I said lowly. "Lock up when you leave."

"Yeah okay," Jason said with a mouthful of food.

"I love you," I told him.

"Yeah you too."

I gave another sigh and grabbed my keys and jacket before heading out the door. My back rested against the door as I let a few years fall from my eyes, my breathing a bit ragged. I covered my mouth to stifle my sobs before I stood up straight and wiped my eyes.

Why can't I just leave him….

I regained my composure before I walked to my car and drove off to my job. One day I'll get back at Jason, I just wasn't sure when.

Tag List: @sirenascales @masked--empress @evilangel84 @wwevampireamongkpop @queen-legacy-productions @defenseofourdreams6277 @neversatisfiedgirlfics @superrezzy00 @writing-reigns and anyone else who wants to read it!

[cutiepasta-thewriter]

Her Gift

(Warning: attempted suicide)

Peter knew her well. One the day he was born she was there. Her dark shadow-like figure stood in the corner with her black lips tilted up in smile. She turned to leave with her black nurses outfit with her as if to fit in but she was never seen in the first place.

They met again months later. As she stood over his crib. She reached down to stroke his curls and cooed at him. Her voice was light and sweet as she spoke.

"Don't worry, its not time yet." She whispered as she moved away.

Five years later she returned but not to see him. She came for his parents and the crowd of other passengers on their flight. Peter wondered what they said to her. Where did she take them?

They met again ten years later. She stood by his side as he cried over his uncles body, only leaving to speak to his uncle. Peter didn't see him but he knew.

She had taken so many from him. Why? What did she want from him? Why won't she just leave him alone?

These thoughts drove Peter mad. She never stopped and she never would. The demon would hunt him for as long as he lived.

Standing on the edge now he felt so tired. He just wanted some peace, to sleep and not think all the time. As he took his first step he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm not usually the one to stop people but you can't do this Peter." Her even tone gave no sense of panic or care.

Peter turned to her. Wild black hair, a black tee and blue jeans. She looked like a emo chick and not a demon, she was normal.

"Why would you of all people stop me? This is what you want isn't it? To see me finally do it? You've driven me crazy for so long, you should be happy."peter accused not bothering to step away from the edge.

"Peter, we both know you don't want to do this. Your afraid of me, afraid I'll take you when it suits me so your trying to make it on your terms."

Peter flinched, he knew exactly why he was doing this and he knew it was wrong. At the same time it felt like the only way. He killed uncle Ben not her. This would make it right and then he'd never have yo suffer loss ever again.

"I just want to do what's right but somehow no matter what I do I end up alone." Peter spoke in a hushed whisper.

She sighed before taking a seat on the ledge. Her eyes scanned the horizon as the setting sun disappeared behind the towering buildings of New York.

"Look. The reason I'm here is to make sure you stay on track. Believe it or not you are a special human to me. But then again all of you are special." She laughed pulling Peter to sit with her. "Peter you have a fate that goes beyond your comprehension at the moment. If destiny was here now they'd tell you themselves. Unfortunately they can't be here but they did tell me this themselves."

"Destiny?" Peter tilted his head in question like a puppy.

"My older sibling. You've met most of my family already. Dream, Destruction, Delirium, Despair, Desire, but you haven't met Destiny." Death listed off her family members as Peter held his breath to keep from laughing.

"Are all of you named with the letter D?" Peter asked giggling at the alliteration.

"Yes, we are."Death took no offense but she did ask a question "Peter I've known for a long time that you're going to do something that shocks even me. I can see how your life will improve many others just by virtue of existing."

Peter shifted uncomfortably as he thought about her words. What could he have done to interest death herself. Who was he going to help? How can she be sure?

"I don't believe you. I know-i know your death and everything but it's hard to believe." Peter mumbled, he sounded so stupid. He just couldn't see that future or any future for that matter.

"Oh my god! Kid I just gave you a prediction of a wickedly cool future and your turning it down."She sounded almost shocked as she facepalmed "Alright sadsack, you wanna question me? I'm death, I know when it's time. Peter you need to understand that you're getting just what everyone gets. A lifetime. Whether is today or a hundred years from now you're getting it. Stop moping around afraid of me and start living. Your taking my gift for granted."

Peter quirked his brow. What gift?

"Peter you are not owed a happy life. No one is but you are given a chance to have a meaningful one. Whether you take it or...not" She paused as she looked down to the concrete stories below "You have the ability to make it as great as you possibly can. I'm not saying you're blessed to become great just because. You're great because you are going to try, you're going to work hard everyday to achieve what you know you want. Or you can prove me wrong right now, Peter. You can jump and I'll let you because I can't change death. Its what I am after all, but know this; I am no villain. I am death but I am also life. True, I didn't bring you into the world but I am the reason you live. I'm what drives you to achieve because life is short, but I am eternal. I make people leave to house to travel the world, meet new people, fall in love because every second could be your last. Everyday you keep living, I'll be there. I'll watch and wait, I'll continue to push you to live until the end comes. If you want to escape then jump."

Peter suddenly found himself standing at the edge. No sign of death in sight but he knew she was still here. At the same time he was alone and nothing could stop him. Taking few deep breaths he thought over her words.

What did he gain by doing this. He wanted the pain to end but was he really ready to die? Did he even know what it was like to live? He was only fourteen after all. What about aunt May though, she'd be all alone.

Peter stepping down from the ledge as he wiped the heavy tears from his eyes. He was just so empty after uncle Ben died and he just wanted to forget it all.

Thinking it over however he considered death's words. Everyone gets a lifetime. And that's true Ben got a lifetime and it was a pretty good life at that. At the same time its a reminder to Peter to do something with his before its to late.

Years later they met again in a world space between the physical and spiritual plane. A simple house in the middle of nothing. A realm of death. It was surprisingly cozy.

A comforting hand was placed on his shoulder as the owner pulled him close. As if to protect him the owner glared at the figure across from them.

"Don't come any closer. I don't know if you're some servant of Thanos but I want you to stay away from us."Stephen spoke in a baritone growl as he held tightly onto him as the stranger approached.

Peter snuck a glance at the dark spector and saw a familiar figure. A tall wild haired emo chick with black painted lips and a tank top.

Peter smiled warmly as he pulled himself from the mystic's embrace to greet death like an old friend.

"You've grown but you're still not taller then me." She laughed rubbing her thumb over his ruddy cheeks like a grandma seeing her grandkids again.

"You can be as big as a house if you wanted to so don't give me that."Peter joked back before shifting his expression sombered "So its that time?"

Death put a finger to her lips in thought.

"No, I don't think so and thank gods for that. Thanos has caused an uproar among the spirits. Everyone is going into holding until it clears up. You guys are going to be staying here until further notice." Death prepared to launch into a explanation she had given too many times "Your friends should be next door. Don't worry if your for someone you'll find them. Also Peter, you are unofficially adopted by this man because someone is required to look after you and it ain't gonna be me. Also he was the closest to you when you got dusted."

"I can't just be adopted without consent. Besides I'm old enough to take care of myself." Peter argued crossing his arms and pouting.

"Well, I said so. I suggest you all prepare for the future. Even I don't know what comes next or what will happen. The universe I crying out and my people are nervous. We are looking for answers." Death willed herself for a moment letting the gravity of her words sink in. "I'll see you later guys."

With that she was gone.

Peter and Stephen had to figure out what was next or even if there was a next. For now they were safe but gods only know what the world must look like now.

#neil gaiman #endless #peter parker #stephen strange #strange family #dr strange #spiderman #Death of the endless #sandman #dc comics

[alicedoessurveys]

loooooong survey

Childhood

Did you spend your childhood time with mostly real or imaginary friends?: real. I spent most summers/half terms with my cousins and my neighbour’s grandkids. Did people consider you an odd child?: not odd, just shy  Do you have memories that go back to when you were only a few months old?: nope Do you remember any thoughts you had when you where very young?: not really nope  

Were they intricate or simple thoughts?: probably simple but I can't remember 

If you answered “intricate”, give an example of one of those thoughts: n/a

Were you dreams very vivid as a child?: yes, still do. I also used to get really bad night terrors a lot as a kid What is the strangest memory you have from early childhood?: can't think of anything strange.. Were you a child prodigy or did you display any gifts at a young age?: I drew a lot, but I was no prodigy What was the most “grown-up” thing you ever said as a child?: I have no idea What were your favourite TV shows in early childhood?: I grew up on Fairly Odd Parents, Rugrats, Tracy Beaker Were you afraid of monsters?: yes, especially zombies Did you believe that fictional characters were real?: yes Were you more quiet and artistic or loud and physical? quiet and artistic  Issues and stuff Do you eat meat?: yup, but only beef, chicken and bacon/sausage  If you do, what is your justification for it?: I dont feel I need to justify it, just like I wouldn't expect a vegetarian to justify why they dont eat meat. each to their own.  If you could legalize 3 things in the US, what would they be?: I dont live in the US, I dont really know their laws and I dont really care  Do you believe in the death penalty?: nope Did Mumia do it?: do what..? If you had a choice, which country would you have chosen to be born into?: I like that im English, I just wish I was born in a different part of England cause Birmingham is a shit hole What are your opinions of Michael Moore?: I dont know who that is  Describe your feelings about marijuana legalization: I think it should be for those who need it for medical stuff Red, White and Blue is a ghastly color combination, right?: nope What television news coverage do you detest the most?: all of it, I dont watch the news What will you do if Bush is re-elected? Im British, I dont care  Which state do you think will drop off into the ocean first?: idk Who do you consider “American Heros”?  I feel like these questions are very aimed at Americans  Completely Obtuse And Silly Questions Have you ever taken something apart just to see how it worked? yes  Do you ever yell at the television while you are alone? Reason?: not yell, but talk to the telly yeah. and not even just while im alone.  Name a few things (if any) that you bought on Ebay recently: I cant remember the last time I bought something off eBay  Are the Muppetes sinister? Think about it.: nope... o.O Do you watch the Science Channel (Discovery) on a regular basis?: no ive never watched it  Ever gotten into an “in person” argument with a total stranger? Discuss: yup. basically I was at this event thing where they had boats and pretty floating lights and shit on a river. we had waited all day to see them and when they were finally coming past we couldn't see them because it was so crowded and there was a “security guy” stood in the way. There was kids infront of me who kept saying they couldn't see because of him so I yelled “MOVE” and he turned around and started arguing with me. Long story short, he eventually moved out the way and found a space where he wasn't blocking anyones view and the people around me thanked me. I felt so awkward after cause im not a confrontational person at all but I was so tired & irritated that I just snapped.  Sugar or Honey?: Sugar What’s on your desk right now?: im not sat at my desk atm  How many e-mails do you recieve a day?: about 20 Do you think that time travel is a possibility?: no Are you slightly addicted to online tests and surveys?: not addicted, I just enjoy doing them to pass time San Francisco or New York City?: ive never been to either, but I would like to go to New York  What are your favorite color combinations?: grey and light blush pink looks nice Close your eyes and type the first random image that pops into your head: I cant because im listening to hairspray so thats all I can see right now  Do you enjoy night or day better?: depends what im doing  Favorite animal: Dogs   Have you ever been to a protest?: Nope, but ive ended up in the same place as a protest was taking place and it was horrible Aggravated a cop on purpose?: No Ever gone train hopping/ridden the rails?: Nope If you could choose a time period in which to live, which would it be?: I’m fine with this one Ever put your hand through a window?: no List a few words you hate the sound of: the c word And a few you like the sound of: idk Are you sick of this survey yet? not really  Emotions And Such Have you attempted suicide more than once?: No  Cutting?: Yes Do you get violent when you are angry?: Not with people, just with myself or just like throw stuff on the floor like a brat  Which emotion are you most consumed by?: fear Are you highly emotive?: Yes Do you discuss problems or keep them to yourself?: keep them to myself, and if I do discuss them I downplay or make jokes Do you fall in love easily?: not in love, but I do fall for people too easy What age/year was the most difficult for you?: around ages 19-now How do you channel your anger/sadness?: shut myself away and cry  Ever been addicted to alcohol or drugs?: No

Ever been homeless?: No List a few simple things that make you happy: playing sims, Tumblr, theatre When were you most recently your happiest?: hanging out with nick and Addison the other day  Do you consider yourself empathetic?: yes Friends Do you have friends that are drastically different from each other?: my main group of friends is only like 3 people and they have their differences but not drastic differences List a few key traits that all of your friends have in common: my friends are all into gaming, watching films & eating Do you keep in touch with friends from high school?: yes, two of my best friends are from school Have you lost touch with many of your friends?: almost everyone I become friends with end up losing touch in the end but ive been friends with Addison for 10 years and Rhys for 20 years Are they mostly local or long distance?: local  When you go out with friends, what kinds of things do you do?: usually go to the arcade, cinema and get food Have you ever been betrayed by a close friend?: yes If yes, are you still friends with that person?: no Are your friends mostly your age, younger or older?: rhys & Addison are 23, nick is 25, I am 22

Do you have a hard time making friends because most people bore you?: no, I have a hard time making friends because im socially awkward Do you like to hang out with friends one-on-one or in groups?: groups, it takes the pressure off in conversations Which of you online friends do you have the most in common with?: I dont have any online friends Family Are you close to your family?: yes What traits are you glad you inherited from them?: faithfulness & a good sense of humour  What sitcom does your family most remind you of?: I cant think of anything other than that me and my mom are a lot like Miranda and her mom from the sitcom ‘Miranda’ Does your family live locally or far away?: local Have you ever stopped speaking to someone in your family?: yes Have either of your parents died?: no, thank god Is your family very much like you or are you opposites?: a lot like me  How many siblings do you have?: one older sister Has your family ever thrown food at each other?: yes, every christmas season we throw chocolates at each other from the Quality Street or Roses tins Are the holidays a nightmare or a time of joy?: I love Christmas Day and I normally love christmas shopping but this year I found it all very stressful because I was so busy at the theatre and I had no money to buy gifts  Do you look like your parents?: ive been told I do List one interesting fact about your family: apparently my dads side of the family is descended from royalty Lovers Gay, Straight, Bi-sexual or no idea?: Straight Married/partnered?: Single Ever gone out with someone you were embarrassed to be seen with?: no Ever broken someones heart?: someone I “dated” in infant school told me when we reunited in senior school that I broke his heart. but I didn't actually do anything so I dont know where he got that from  How many serious relationships have you had?: none Have you ever lusted obsessively over someone you knew you couldn’t have?: not obsessively lusted, but I have fancied guys that I knew nothing could ever happen.  Do you believe in the theory of soulmates?: yes Ever cheated?: No Been cheated on?: No Thrown someones stuff out on the lawn/stairs/etc.?: Nope Had your stuff thrown out on the lawn/stairs/etc.?: Nope Most important emotional qualities of a lover?: someone who makes me feel happy and can make me smile, makes me feel comfortable, is caring, trustworthy, honest, affectionate  Most important physical qualities?: I dont think physical qualities are super important but I do fall for peoples eyes & smile Food & Drink Non-alcoholic beverage of choice: cherry coke or caramel hot chocolate Alcoholic beverage of choice: cider Foods you crave on a regular basis: chocolate

Salsa and Chips or Pita and Hummus?: neither Meat or Tofu?: Meat Soup or Salad?: soup Soda or Juice?: Soda Can I get you anything else?: You didn't get me anything..? :’) Favorite candy:: chocolate in general Favorite food to make: lasagne 

Food brand that you hate?: idk Do you try to buy all organic?: nope  Favorite fast food?: mcdonalds Final Questions Ever had a great song ruined for you after it was used in a commercial?: yes

Ever yelled at an SUV?: nope A Hummer?: Nope Ever faked being sick to get out of going somewhere?: yes If you could turn back time and change one thing, what would it be?: stay in college Bambi or Nemo?: Nemo List 3 things that are worrying you right now: 1, money. 2, a meeting I have to go to next week that im absolutely dreading. 3, I have this constant annoying anxiety that tells me my friends dont actually like me and that I get on everyones nerves.  Do you think you’ll ever have children if you don’t already?: not my own now, but I hope to adopt Do you think there is life on other planets?: no Have you ever broken a leg or arm?: nope Would you rather stay in the house or do things outside: depends on my mood David Letterman or Jay Leno?: I dont know who they are  Last words?: Bye

#survey #long

[thelostandforgottenangel]

Where are you Christmas?

So I’m not a Christmas person – and right now after what I dealt with yesterday who the hell could blame me

I get called a Grinch around this time of year almost daily by somebody I love enough to not punch him every morning and will laugh and joke along even though it destroys me to pretend it don’t hurt my feelings to know I can’t be the person I used to be (And not just cause I like quoting the live action Grinch movie word for word) I don’t like asking people for gifts and stopped writing a wish list when I was 8 unless I was forced too - I’m never picky, you buy me something no matter what even if I already have it or don’t like it I’m going to be the happiest person in the world and cherish it as if it’s made of gold because you thought of me enough to buy me something even though I feel bad for you spending money on me even if it was clearance to less then .50 cents. If you make me something you put so much effort into something so beautiful and it’s time you had to make someone so much more worthy of your talents feel special - I treasure you and that work of art for life because it came from your heart

But no matter what anyone says I don’t deserve any of it

Probably why I was so drawn to my man, he don’t buy me stuff - doesn’t get me presents even though I go out on what I know he would want same as I do for my loved ones... I spoil the people I love and never expect them to do it for me 

I don’t ever get in the spirit even though I do make an effort to make the holidays great for my kids and family. 

I don’t remember what it was like to enjoy Christmas or what the 5 year old me found so awesome about the holidays that I wasn’t witnessing somebody commenting how much they disliked their gift or how the person never listened to them on what they wanted never really thinking about maybe they didn’t have the money for something so expensive and they got them what they could as a thoughtful gift, or the one time I saw somebody get the one thing on their list that cost the most (At the time a 400+ game system) how they only got one thing - when the person who bought it had to work two jobs to afforded something they wanted 

Christmas was always supposed to be about family and it kind of ruins that when you watch someone smile the rest of the morning before going to take an hour shower just so they can break down in privacy without the kids knowing

The person who made Christmas special for my family every year was also the woman who made me love Halloween so much and she died in 1999 when her heart finally stopped working after being told she would never live to see her first grandchild born… She lived to see three and was there through most of my mom’s pregnancy with the fourth. My mom always did her best to make Christmas special after that even when we didn’t have much and she still does every year that’s why I keep my mouth shut

I dislike the cheerful music, I can’t bare to watch Christmas cartoons, I leave the room if somebody is talking about the holiday, all the lights are pretty but don’t give me the magical feelings they used to when I was a child, I hate to see people ungrateful for what they get, and the feelings the month brings with it kills me inside... I cry more around this time of year while sitting alone like I am right now. 

The only thing making this moment okay is the wonderful family I have on this site talking to me and making me feel loved

But even though I can’t celebrate there are a few songs I don’t mind listening to around this time of year - most really depressing ones, I want to see kids laughing and enjoying the season… I want my kids to love this time of year because they need to know happiness exist. I want them to believe in magic, Santa, and the special time of year meant to bring families together

Even if I am a Grinch and don’t believe in it

I hate being this way but every year I put on a big smile and bare it like an adult, I sit in a car for an hour to take my kids to see my man’s family making sure we will be on time, I listen to the songs while getting ragged on for wanting to listen to anything else or putting in my headphones when it gets too much, while there I am singled out and asked why I can’t do anything festive like wear anything but black, occasionally I excuse myself to go hide in the bathroom so I don’t start crying while they question why ‘I’ cannot bring their grandchildren to see them, why ‘I’ keep them from seeing their family when mine gets to see them all the time. My family lives 5 to 10 minutes away and only sees my kids if they invite me to something or drive over to sit in my yard and talk to me… My own father sees the kids on holidays if he shows up or the off chance I run into the man out in public. They don’t make any effort to try to see us because they know who will show up with the kids if their son is working and I’m not who they want to see

It is not my choice if they see my kids but their son’s, if it was I’d let them see my kids every week but they believe it is always my fault and make sure to start drama the moment I enter the room – I stopped making an effort to help my man connect better with his family after they gave me the third degree over my scars and how a good mom would never allow herself to slip that bad

If anyone calls my phone while at his family’s house my father in law gets mad and starts to subtly judge my friends or family interrupting their time with us and their grandkids… In other words I suffer in silence and keep smiling because I want to make it all better.

My gift is sat to the side for last and I watch my loved one open their gifts - I sit with my kids and open their presents with them so I can see their happy faces and a lot of times I get ridiculed because people (My in-laws) think I’m being ungrateful and rude by not opening the gift they got me right then. I get one or two from them which is fine cause I don’t care I’m not their child nor do I ever expect to be accepted.

I’m just the white girl who married their son and ruined his life… Nothing to them

 My point in this ramble is I can be a Grinch and still want everyone to be happy – I’ll fake being happy to keep everyone from knowing how sad I am on Christmas, how I wish I never had to go out of my house on that day – and I’ll sit there and take all the shit that comes with the season if I can only see everyone I love having a good Christmas then go home and put my kids to bed and find solitude knowing I fooled everyone again for another year before I cry myself into a hole where I stay for the rest of the year

I don’t have to explain myself but maybe this will make it easier to understand just cause I go by Angel doesn’t mean I’m a Christmas one Anon’s… Merry Christmas – Happy holidays – Have a good day and I love all of you

*Blows Kisses*

[red-lion-of-voltron]

meme thing! All of them! Cause I'm evil and you brought it up XD

Dude, I am so ready xDD

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

If humming is counted, it was today in the car on the way to work. Actual singing was last weekend.

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

I’d want to know long I’d live. Most people find this scary but I honestly don’t.

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Battling my mental illness.

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

Watching the first Pokemon movie.

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

No. I’m already anticipating death, whenever it’ll happen. 

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

Become a therapist/counsellor, go on holiday to Tokyo, ride a jet ski.

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

My sister, @suddenlysombra. She’s my salt buddy, is doing a course in Games Design, an animal and nature lover, and totally rocks~

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

No, it was quite a sad one.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

I think it was my sister, during the Christmas season because of frustration + dissatisfaction.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

The person who sent me this ask~! Because they’re a wonderful friend.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

Depends on how our conversation starts off and progresses.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

My sister, a few months back. We salt a lot together about stuff.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

I’m finding a way around this - I’d tell my sister that I’m leaving this world, hope to see her soon and to post on here and FB about my death so that other people also can be reached.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

They’re meh. 

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

This quote gives me hope because it speaks to my dissatisfaction with just how imperfect this world is. All the sadness and hatred and bad stuff is not meant to be this way, and I believe in the life after this one where things would actually go perfectly, i.e. Heaven/eternal life. I cannot express how much I cannot wait to go there, and really hope I will. 

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

“The Rain Doesn’t End, Till The Mist Takes Me Away” 

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

Give most of it away. 

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

I find it difficult to be forgiving. I remember how people treat me and if it’s bad treatment, I replay scenes in my head a fair bit. I don’t quite like being this way but it’s just so hard to not hold any bad actions against the people behind them.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

“Hey you. I’m Future You. Justwriting to say I’m so sorry pretty much everyone leaves. School sucks likenothing else, doesn’t it? I know you have no one you can consider a friend andnot just an acquaintance or peer, but you have plenty of friends in thefictional realm. All the Pokemon you are obsessed with are your friends. So isevery Disney character you’ve watched on a screen, and for that matter everysingle fictional character is your friend. You carry a piece of them insideyou. I’m your friend. And all of us are great company.” 

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

Punk because I dislike coming across as “soft”

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

I’m indifferent towards both, but am perfectly fine with anyone who has them. 

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

Not a lot, because I feel it isn’t worth the time and effort.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

Red is a band that has helped me so much in processing my anger - their sound is raw and powerful yet beautiful, almost like a beauty out of chaos kind of thing. Lots of meaningful lyrics too.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

“How many of you want to work 4 days a week, and have a 3-day weekend, instead of how it’s been for too long?”

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

To be honest there’s no concert I’ve been to that I enjoyed - it’s more that I was dragged along or was bored so I went for it. I don’t like the crowding and the noise levels and am happy just listening to the songs on my own. 

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

Lmao, that would be Sebastian Stan, and I’d love him to say he’d love to meet in person sometime for a meal despite his crazy schedule, because he wants to get to know me better.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

Yup. It’s not ridiculously organised but isn’t a tangled mess either.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

I work on passion projects or watch a film/episode. There’s the occasional dinner outing or cinema trip. 

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

They shall not get any grandkids from me. I don’t want to give them the satisfaction.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

Just some purple highlights, because it isn’t too drastic a change and would still look amazing.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

My siblings, @fragranceofroses, @vilcade and @ladyginoza xD I’d choose an amazing island spot in Thailand with sun and beaches, where we’d talk about memes and fandom and enjoy good food and each other’s company~!

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

1. More money so I can help more people without worrying about my own savings too much. 2. For Pokemon to be real, because the world would be far less boring and also happier. 3. For the sequels and additional seasons of my fave shows to exist (I’m eyeing you, Psycho Pass Season 3!!)

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

(Making one up) Going as Greedling from FMA. With one arm partially covered in his ultimate shield. 

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

Never been drunk or high before.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Kill someone lol.

storms: you can only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

Whoa. I’d pick a song and at this point it’d be “Gojintai e Futatabi” from the Kimi No Na Wa soundtrack. 

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

I’ve only had crushes and have not been in a relationship. I’m not sure this qualifies…? As for having a crush, it’s thrilling and exciting.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

I don’t think I’d rock short hair, so am aiming to keep it long forever. 

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

Dark mocha frappucino. I’d trust most people to order it for me.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

That I’m not around my mum for most of each day because of my new job. Thank heavens. 

#ladyginoza #ask memes #long post

[lifeofnes]

Wk 5

Ok so from Sunday to Wednesday I did nothing but stay in bed. The weekend really kicked my butt.  I researched and listened to OPM and read manga and comics. I caught up on Shokugeki No Soma and the Immortal Hulk. Both I feel describe me well: a culinary enthusiast who is a thoughtfully aware rage monster. That’s a joke. I’m only up and mobile a 6-8 times a day to eat, bathroom, or say hi to inay and tatay. I don’t want to get them sick so my interactions are distanced and brief. I can still tell inay’s not at one hundred, but in your mid-eighties who really is? Every day I hear my mom buzzing around the house trying to literally do everything she can to make the living situation more comfortable for inay. They got her an at-home oxygen machine and a new cane. Mom is cooking almost every meal for five people. Cleaning and trying to find a suitable home and caregiver. Most of which is impeded by her brother and inay who do not want to spend the money they’re not even using. When she’s not here she’s at the apartment holding herself back from sticking her foot up the neighborhood managements ass to come fix our roof. It's been a month. We’re already bribing them to put us on the top of the list of repairs. I have no idea if its worth it, or if it will matter since we leave in a day. She’s also trying desperately to sell our car, but with only a weeks worth of time and wanting a full payment in cash in hand, I doubt this last day will be any different. It’s heartbreaking really. I knew we were coming into this to take care of inay, but I had no idea the amount of pressure she would put on herself doing so. Not to mention the lack of thankfulness and for some reason underlying anger, I have noticed coming from either of my grandparents and uncle Ver. We have a few moments with each other during those days and she tells me that of all the times she’s ever been back to the Philippines, this has been her loneliest experience. She starts crying and I hold her hand. She really wants to go home and see dad. And I get it. Imagine having to live with your parents who still treat you like a irresponsible teenager, when you’re 58, in front of your own child. The difference in tone and dynamic in how they talk and act towards my mom and how they talk and act with me are worlds different. I have no idea who’s mad at who, or for what reason, but every conversation is laced with this scent of resentment. It is a sad feeling to want to raise your voice, but know that it has no sound behind it. By Thursday I was healthy (enough,) fed up, and only had six days left. I escaped quarantine and went to the mall to have churros and by a sim card. With that pocket Wifi gone I needed to have some form of communication. A sim with 5 gigs cost 20 pesos. That’s less than fifty cents. That was wild. I got churros with an ube white chocolate dip. That was wild. My mom was letting me travel by myself. WIIIILD. We met up for lunch at this place called army navy burger and burrito. I had a burger for the first time in thirty Gregorian calendar days. Though not the best burger I had, it was welcoming. Mom and I talked about the plan for the next few days and told me that she found someone to replace her and convinced everyone in the house it was the smartest decision. What a trooper. I love her. The next few days mom and I spend hanging out with Kristel and Vicky, sleeping at their place, and being treated like proper guests. It’s nice to see my mom not having to everything for a change of pace. I work a few shifts at Conrado’s and hang out with two of Kristel's friends. Both of whom are lesbians and in a very “will they, won't they” rom-com situation. It’s entertaining. I’m hoping they don’t because they seem bad for each other, Kristel doesn't want it to happen because she knows one of them isn’t a lesbian, she just likes the attention lol. We go out to Korean BBQ! It was pretty good, and super cheap for unlimited everything! Like 6.50 usd. But I did spend 700+ on a plane ticket here so my small monetary victories don’t mean much. On Friday ate Vic brings us to Tagaytay to go sightseeing. We eat bulalo and is easily one of the best meals I’ve ever had in my life. They also did a beef shank karekare which changed all my life experiences with that dish. The view we had was over a cliff during midday. The whole experience was Michael Lawrence Tyler (Mystkal.) We hit a few other restaurants on the way back home for coffee and pastries. The first is at the newly opened Ridge Park. They have natural cut bench tables and secluded huts for bigger parties, lining a path mere feet from the edge of the mountain. We grab coffees there which are crap, but we’re there for the view anyway. Wish we could visited the island that’s inside a lake that’s inside an island that’s inside a lake that’s inside a island. We were really close to it. You’ll know what I’m talking about it you Bing it. View is breathtaking and I’m happy to be sharing the moment with my family. We head out to a cafe called Bag of Beans. This one is definitely ritzier, not at all indicated by its humdrum name. Like destination wedding reception levels of fancy. It’s terraced, meaning all of it’s rooms are on different levels of the mountain but all part of the same grounds. The main area has 3 dining rooms. One next to the cashier and glass shadowbox with their baked goods. Its adjacent to the kitchen which looks fully loaded and up to date based on my nosy looks though the circular glass of the door. There’s the upstairs dining area accessed only by spiral staircase, and an outdoor area with a view of Mt. Taal and its lake. One terrace down is a newly renovated ballroom, that is slightly overhanging the cliff-side. One terrace above is an auxiliary kitchen/ power/boiler room with rooftop garden access. There’s a ridiculous water fountain piece stocked with koi between levels 2-3. The grounds manager stocked every nook with flowers and every flavor plant. This joint is swanky. Kristel and I take a look around with hot cocoa in hand and I jokingly (not jokingly) tell her to make sure to have her future wedding reception here. We head home after sundown and hit a night market before the highway to eat jackfruit on the ride home. Saturday the Mayor side throw me and my mom a going away party. My cousin Onyok who owns a wild boar piggery comes through with the lechon. It’s sweeter and has a deeper savoriness than all of the other lechon I've had. I think it’s because he finishes raising them on just fruit in their final months. It’s also ate Agnes’ birthday but as usual she’s cooking something. I join her in making empanadas, fish lumpia. She says she wants to make a career of this somehow. I tell her that just because she’s 40 now doesn’t mean she shouldn’t go for it haha. My two eldest cousins Cesar and Emma got to see each other. They’re the ones who both got strokes within weeks of each other and are pretty much bedridden. Everytime they see each other Cesar is crying and Emma is getting mad at him for it. Kuya Onyok’s wife, Cori, wouldn’t stop taking pictures of every single thing. It was a good day for her. After eating twice, I ended up playing volleyball with Onyok’s grandkids (they’re my age so that how old Onyok is if you were wondering) and I had a hard time keeping up. It was my first physical exercise in over a month I think. All of my older cousins were asking how my time here was. If I had a relaxing time being back or if I had hard time adjusting. It was “all of those things and more.” I told them. Some of the physical space I was in, but mostly depended on the people I was getting to know. Some gave me hope and drove me to keep going. Others filled me with pity, a longing to help, but not knowing where to. But all of them gave me a perspective change. Life in the Philippines is hard. Weather you have money or don’t. There are going to be relational problems between families and lovers. Government here is twice as corrupt and convoluted as it is in the states. There are actual ongoing armed conflicts, real firefights, going all over the islands. Wages suck, good jobs are scarce, and opportunities to get ahead in life seem narrow. There are some beautiful places but the uneducated majority of the populace leaves pollution thick in the air, in the water, in the streets. Religion and tradition still hold a tight grip against modern, practical, and sound policies. Still, all of the people I’ve interacted with and observed seem generally happy-go-lucky. Like things are going all according to plan. Maybe I’ve only met a handful of people here in a small amount of time, but a spirit of endurance is prevalent here. I have to pack still and say bye to the cousins I can manage to get in touch with. So i’ll leave it at this, I love this place and I’m thankful for how it both made my world smaller and larger in perspective. Ingat ka! See you in Eat-aly.

#alloranes

[myalternativelife5524]

This is gonna be a long one folks... Sorry in advance.

So full of mixed feelings... I spent the majority of my Saturday with an older mother figure friend of mine, doing Christmas shopping..... 7 1/2 hours worth of shopping... We get back to her house, where we proceeded to distribute the presents she bought for her kids and grandkids... Well her son was there- not the issue as I see him as a pain in the butt little brother- and so was his friend, a friend whom I had also slept with a few times about two years ago... Normally I'd ignore him and proceed with my night, as id planned on sleeping over at my friends house. Here is where I say I am now 32, this guy I slept with is now 22/23... This guy, I'll simply call him 'C', had recently broken up with his girlfriend, with whom he has a 16 month old daughter... Now while I find my self still sexually attracted to C, I will never again have sex with him or even sleep next to him, as he treated me horribly in the few weeks after we'd had sex. He hadn't broken up with his girlfriend( not the same gf he has a baby with) like he'd told me he had, and instead cheated on her with me. And in turn 'cheated' on me with his baby mama- his now ex gf... I found out just how horrible he was to each of his previous gfs, and it physically made me ill. But as I'm sure most of you whom are reading this know, once you start drinking you make choices against your better judgement.. I cannot tell you how much I wanted to pull him into a spare room at my friends house and have my wicked way with him. And to be honest he probably wouldn't have put up much of a fight, as he'd earlier admitted that he was horny and hadn't had sex with his ex in almost three months. Whether I believe him doesn't matter a bit... Instead I sat there making Christmas ornaments out of those perler beads with my friend, trying to keep myself distracted... Until he pissed me off talking about his ex and how he'd change things if he could go back in time... That's when I began asking him if he'd known how badly he'd hurt my feelings when he presumably used me for sex... And did he use me for sex because of my obvious feelings for him and the fact that he was the first person I'd ever been that intimate with... Now while I'm flattered that he said he had been attracted to me and he did apologize for being such an asshole to me, I knew he wouldn't remember a damn thing that was said- he'd been chugging beer after beer for the past four hours, he was drunk off his ass... And that just stinks... He admitted he wouldn't have treated me that way if he knew then what he knows now, because karma has bit him in the ass big time... And all he really wants is a loyal partner and to be able to own a house and have kids and be able to support his family and his list went on and on... Made my almost drunk self cry because to be honest I want someone to share my life with as well but I know it won't be him. He's too immature and needs to grow up a lot before he can be any sort of responsible adult... And sure enough when I asked annoying little brother the next morning where C was, he said he'd left earlier, and that he'd had to tell C what had gone on because C couldn't remember a damn thing...apparently we had woken brother up with our yelling and arguing a few times... But man how BAD did I want C Saturday night... Thank the gods my friend J(mother figure friend) was there to prevent it or else I'd be in trouble

#long as fuck posts

[mageofblack6]

The Start of New York, Before New York

I woke up early when the sun rose. I definitely did not want to be up. I turned over and went back to sleep, later waking and seeing my phone brightly display the person I love and a time of 8am. I was so sad. I almost couldn’t get up, but my dog was whining pitifully in my ear to go potty so eventually I sat up and I cried. My Love is gone and it isn’t the same without him. His smell is still fresh as he just washed the sheets before he left. I cry into them. Missing him so much my heart and head and body just wanted to be surrounded by him. By 8:30 I have already walked the dog and got in the shower to rid myself of my tears; I’m dirty in different ways and the tears are not helping. I had a lot to do before my trip. I got out of the shower and grabbed my phone to text Love; I texted my best friend, Alice, as well. I open my computer and noticed the time said 10 something in the morning and I, the ingenious character I am, realized my phone was set two hours prior. I lost two hours I thought I had for preparation to New York. I get to work, packing, checking lists, buying necessities since I lost time. At 5:30 my ride, Forest, has joined me while I am making some last minute choices, like doing the dishes and printing out resumes and train tickets. My travel anxiety is in the process of kicking in and I quadruple checked my lists to make sure I didn’t forget anything, which later I realized I forgot my antibiotic pill on the counter. We headed to Atlanta, my anxiety caused my chest to feel heavy, my eyes to water, and my hands to pull on the antlers of my stuffed Swiss Goat, Jorj. I remember my Amoxil on the counter and have to get the biggest busybody I know, that is caring for my dog and cat the first two weeks I’m away, to return to my apartment earlier than planned to find this pill and remove it from within chomping distance of my 5 month old Husky-Shepard mix. When I left home he was crying throughout the whole complex that I live in, I could hear him as Forest drove away and there was nothing I could do to change it. I was uncomfortable crying, but tears filled my eyes multiple times anyway. At 8:05, the scheduled time to board my train, we arrived at the train station. Unfortunately, my train had been delayed until 9:26 and I had nothing else to do, Forest and I talked for a few minutes and then we removed a splinter from his finger that the old time train benches gifted him. It was pouring outside, which is definitely how I was feeling. I was definitely waiting for my doom to come, go anxiety. My thought process was along the lines of: My train keeps getting delayed, there’s a sign on the wall about sex trafficking, the white guy two benches down, the two black guys against the wall and the Spanish female are all watching me. Oh and the couple behind me are also watching me, I’m not going to see my cat, dog, or Love for a month or more and I am going to a city I know virtually nothing about. There was a 70% chance I had a yeast infection from the Amoxil, but no medicine. I am going to die. Eventually the Hispanic lady across the way started talking to me, initially very quickly in Spanish and I told her I didn’t speak Spanish in Spanish and she translated mostly in English for me. Then later told me she thought I was Hispanic when I was saying goodbye to my boyfriend. (Forest isn’t my boyfriend, but she doesn’t speak enough English for me to want to try to confuse her with who he is.) She had just assumed because of my face and skin color I was also Spanish speaking. Which, on a general occasion, I might have been. We chat a little longer and then she gets up to go closer to where the train is supposed to be. It got delayed again. Until 10pm. I begin to wander to expel some anxious energy, plus someone stole my corner seat when I got up for the restroom. I wander inside eventually and discover a bag that says Chipotle on it. I got super excited since I’ve been craving Chipotle for the past couple years but not enough to drive over an hour to get it, and here I am only three minutes walking distance. I went to investigate, but unfortunately did not buy Chipotle. I talked myself out of it, saying there was food on the train. (What I did not know is that they closed everything by 11 and that was when we were finally seated.) I returned to the train station and continued my wandering until I found a garden I wanted to be in. Then it started raining again so I went back inside to sit next to an elderly white woman and an elderly (About 70) black man. They were talking about something and would eye me as I passed by so I decided to sit next to them. The woman got up and left and another black man, not as old, walked up and gave the first man a drink. He had a distinct foreign accent but when I asked where it was from he said “My lips.” He was funny, a Jokester, when he first sat down he said that the train people needed to “hire a boat” with all the raining and possible flooding that had caused our train to be late. I tuned out their conversation for a while until I heard them mention knives and guns in the house and I told them “Why stab people with knives when you could throw it?” And later the woman indicated that the Jokester and I would go around the house with a knife and get killed while she would have a gun and shoot whoever was in her house. I told her I wouldn’t walk around the house, I’d hide and wait for them to pass me, then I’d kill them. Which caused the whole group to laugh at me and decided I was a murderer and that I would definitely do that in my home. The train was finally here, there was a female around my age in line with a handsome man, she started crying, then he started crying. They had been there since I was and she stared at me for a moment when I first got there after she was done shivering from the AC and rain. When we went down the stairs I realized why she was crying. He was on the other side of the fence, no longer next to her. But he was dutifully waiting in line with her by himself across the way. She kept waving goodbye and nodding and trying not to cry. And he was clearly trying to hold it together. He eventually stopped waiting in line with her and started texting on his phone, I lost sight of him. I found the Hispanic woman again and had helped her down the stairs, I boarded the train holding her pillow. To be specific she is from Dominica, she said what part, but it was too fast for me to understand. She boarded the train but left her bags in Coach. I tried to get her to switch seats with me, we were given the ticket numbers 9 (window, me) and 10 (isle, her) and she took the window seat and told me she would be moving so it didn’t matter. When she tried to get into coach she got in trouble and sent back. She told me later, but then showed me photos of her gorgeous grandkids, then fell asleep like a rock. And still sleeps now while I type this. She has a tattoo of flowers on her left shoulder and she took her bra off before she slept. I can see a bubbled up scar on her right arm. We had a little bit of a language issue so it was interesting to try to piece together the conversation, but I definitely do not think I will ask her about the scar. If it’s a long story I do not think I could keep up. The first man next to me, I think is an alcoholic. He wanted to buy a beer but everything was closed, then filled his coral cup with rum form his bag and coke. He then asked when he could buy alcohol again and they told him 6am. He is still drinking Rum… now with Pepsi. I boarded with him and he was very fidgety and seemed kind of like he needed something, I initially thought it was travel anxiety too… But I’m pretty sure by the way he holds his cup even as he dozes off that he is an alcoholic. At 1:30am or so I got to the point where I had played with everything I could on the train and decided I should try to nap, even if it is only a little bit. It was hard to get comfortable and Dominica seemed to seep into my space, but she was warm so it wasn’t too bad and eventually I was able to doze off for a moment. I awoke multiple times due to being cold and an occasional back spasm. I put my feet on the table in front of me and my back popped so I could rest a little while longer and before I knew it, 6am had come and the dining car was open again. I couldn’t decide if I wanted food but I definitely wanted to travel between cars. It was like a video game, you had to wait to jump to the next one because of the way it moved and the train seemed shakier than a cruise ship so I had to figure out how to step. I could not step lightly on the train, I had to step with purpose and put my foot down. No tiptoeing or I would be knocked over. The landscape has stayed about the same, the grass is greener and some of the stops we made were filled with old masonry and old train stations, I could almost smell the hundreds of people and women crying goodbye to their lovers for war. In the train the seats are larger than airplane seats and we have more room to walk around, and we are allowed to walk around. It just might not be the safest. Though, there are no seatbelts. Do trains even need them? The internet is awful, and often I have no service, but the majority of my friends are still asleep so texting is not a huge problem. I just hope my pets are okay. I am excited to get to New York, my anxiety went away and now I’m itching to explore the new area that is New York. Hopefully I will not have too much trouble. Though, this is a first for me to travel and still miss home at the same time. But I know I will return to Love and animals in a month’s time. Hopefully everyone will be there when I’m back and I haven’t changed too much, or if I have, I won’t lose the people I care about most.