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ambidextrousarcher · 4 years

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Sarcastic StarBharat Reviews: Episode 6: Bhishm’s self-choice ceremony

Tagging @avani008, @butchcaroldanvers, @chaanv, @medhasree, @ratnas-musings, @iamnotthat. Anyone else who wants to be tagged, please comment.

Thanks to @avani008 for the reblog with the amaze tags! Thank you, Avani didi!

The episode begins with an elaborate naming ceremony, complete with a ringing hymn. This generation of babies has naming ceremonies, the next one, on the Pandavas’ side, anyway, doesn’t. I don’t really remember the Kauravas, but man, imagine 100 freaking naming ceremonies in the span of a few days. Ouch. I feel pity for the pandits in that case. The part of the precap dealing with Dhritrashtra’s naming plays. Next, it is Pandu who’s named. CANON FAIL. Pandu is not named for the glow on his skin, he’s named for his paleness. When Ved Vyas um, copulates with Ambalika, she turns pale with fear, which is why Pandu is born pale, canonically. Satyavati instructs the Mahamantri to give Dakshina to the Guru. “Rajmata!” Ah, it’s Mr. Paragon of Perfection. Whatever this guy is going to do, please don’t think it’s canon, alright? He has a baby in his hands, clearly, it’s baby Vidur. “The ritual is not complete. The naming of this child is still left.” There’s a woman standing behind Bhishm, I think it’s Vidur’s mama. She’s silent. Satyavati is livid. “But he’s a servant’s…he’s Parashrami’s child.” Apparently, she is too regal to say ‘dasi-putr’ in open court. “He’s not just her child, he is the gift Ved Vyas gave us. He will grow together with the Princes as their younger brother. All three ladies look pissed, like they’d rather be somewhere else, but Bhishm doesn’t give them a choice. Satyavati reluctantly holds Vidur, as the Guru gives the baby his name. (BTW, isn’t honey harmful for babies younger than 6 months?) The ladies still look pissed, but Bhishm is smiling. Camera focuses on Psycho Princess walking through water. Then it switches back to Hastina, where Satyavati is giving daan after the naming ceremony, when she notices Psycho Princess. She has a “Oh, shit, not her again…” expression on her face. Ikr, Satyavati, really. This psycho Princess has a thing of turning up smack dab in the middle of happy events and ruining them, no? First a coronation, then a naming ceremony. Idk how she gets past Hastina’s sentries into the palace. Something is wrong with your sentries, Bhishm, go train them better! Everyone moves away from her (so would I, frankly. She looks crazy, plus like she hasn’t bathed in days, at the very least.) She reaches Satyavati and says that she’s here to give daan to Bhishm. What will he choose? Marriage or death? Wow. I’d choose death, and so shall Bhishm, especially if I’m supposed to marry a psycho who literally wants me to go to hell. Right now, he stands silently, as Satyavati ostentatiously asks psycho “What do you want? We’re still ready to welcome you into the family. Why do you choose this destructive path, instead of the happiness you can have as a member of Kuruvansh?” Okay, this does not happen in canon. By the way, how can she become a member of the family, by marrying a baby who’s her nephew? What the…this makes no sense to me. “What happiness did you give my sisters? The terrible experience of Niyog? An incomplete child?” Good question, also non-canon. Canon Amba never mentions her sisters, so this is kinda a good change. “I am looking forward to the true pleasure of Bhishm’s pride breaking in front of me. My heart is beating in the anticipation of that golden moment.” Alright. Peacock feather makes an entry and I poise my finger over the skip button. It’s yet another sermon on desire and revenge. Skip. Skip. Camera focuses on Bhishm galloping on a horse. He reaches Parashuram, who’s taking a weird spin effect now. Psycho Princess is behind Parashuram. How the heck did she reach there before Bhishm? Bhishm dismounts and moves towards Parashuram. “Stop!” “I wish to touch your feet, Gurudev…” Ah, I’m so getting Arjun vibes here. Okay, I need to stop Arjun fangirling, stat. He doesn’t exist yet. “I need to find out for myself if you are worthy of my blessings. Because the man who blesses a sinner sins himself.” Why am I reminded of Bhishm refusing to bless Arjun in the future after he marries Subhadra? Okay. No, this is not Arjun I need to talk about. Bhishm rather dramatically says that the meaning of his existence is to fall at Parashuram’s feet. Alright, why is this man so very much a drama queen all the time? Even Arjun would not say that, for all that he adored Drona a lot. “As for sinning,” continues Bhishm, “The very fact that you doubt me is enough of a sin for me. If I were not bound with Hastina’s responsibilities, I would have sought death this instant.” Goodness. Faced with this much fawning drama, Parashuram does a volte-face. “When did I say I doubted you, son? However, to settle this maiden’s doubts, I wish to take your test. War with me, Bhishm. If you are following Dharma properly, you will not be defeated by my hand.” “Then, would my Guru be defeated by my hand?” He sounds like he’s gonna cry. No, Nila. Don’t think about Arjun. No. Parashuram scoffs. “A Guru gets victory if he is defeated at a student’s hand. War against me! Just like a small blot dirties a white cloth, similarly, the smallest of complaints can dirty a man’s principles in front of the society. Lift your weapons and destroy the accusations.” Parashuram causes thundering with a hand movement, creating a bow. A fight commences, fireballs moving towards Bhishm as psycho Princess grins psychotically. Bhishm’s arrow explodes the fireballs, turning them into flowers. “Pranaam, Gurudev,” says he. Seriously? Parashuram pushes Bhishm twice, leading to him toppling off a cliff. Parashuram leaps after him, punching him. They land inside water. Don’t ask me how they can breathe in water, let alone run around and do fancy moves, and that too in armor in Bhishm’s case. Parashuram clocks an uppercut, landing Bhishm in a forest. “You are cheating, Bhishm!” “I cannot attack my Guru.” Be still, my heart. The melodrama is too much, I know. “You are disrespecting your Guru. Do you not believe in your Guru’s strength that you will attack and he will be defeated? This Parashuram is not that old yet!” Bhishm unknots his hands as Parashuram throws a tree trunk at him, which Bhishm punches into two. Bhishm tune plays. I repeat, canon is NOT this over dramatic Precap: Ganga is asking Shiv for help because the two warriors, Parashuram and Bhishm have lifted their weapons. Shiva makes a cameo. Camera focuses on a sleeping girl, her room filled with diyas. The diyas flicker out due to wind, making her start awake. “Sukhdha!” she calls.

#bhishm #extra-perfect student too #parashuram #psycho princess #amba #satyavati #entry of the three babies #dhritrashtra #pandu #vidur #ambika and ambalika #cameo shiv and ganga #sarcastic starbharat reviews #scribbler gets salty

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amandajoyce118 · 5 years

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Agents of SHIELD S6E06 “Inescapable” Easter Eggs And References

In this week’s episode, Fitz and Simmons find themselves reunited, but sharing a mindspace while the Chronocoms want them to work out time travel. It leads to some unexpectedly therapeutic tracking through old memories.

As usual, there are spoilers. Again, SPOILERS if you haven’t yet watched the episode. You’ve been warned.

Spoilers.

Seriously.

Last warning.

The White Room

This is probably unintentional, and the white room they end up in is likely just meant to look like the blank slate it is, but… it made me think of another white room from Marvel Comics. Specifically, the White Hot Room. That’s the name of the Purgatory like space that the Phoenix Force inhabits pretty often. It’s also where Jean Grey recharges and accesses all of her memories when she and the Phoenix re-merge. It’s just a very striking similarity since Dark Phoenix was just in theaters (and the movie doesn’t use that comic book aspect at all).

Fitz’s Proposal

If Fitz’s proposal sounds familiar, that’s because we’ve heard it before. Last season, when he found Jemma, she couldn’t hear him, but he gave her nearly the exact same speech. (Edited to add: She also answered him the same way he answered her when she proposed last season. Nice. And she knew exactly how his speech would end, which means she must have asked him at some point last season how he proposed when she couldn’t hear him. Also, right before Fitz proposes, you’ll spot his bad hand twitching a bit, a nervous tick Iain has kept using since his season two injury. Love the character consistency.)

Alice In Wonderland

A hole appearing in the white room that Jemma escapes through and Fitz following her into her own childhood bedroom feels like a very intentional nod to going “down the rabbit holt” and Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

Jemma’s Room

I know I’m going to miss some things in Jemma’s room, but there is so much going on in here. Obviously, the book about her and Fitz, but there’s more. We see she’s a Jane Goodall fan because that photograph features prominently. There are stars on her ceiling, likely a nod to the times she spent studying the stars while recovering from surgery as a kid. She has so many samples on her shelves that I wish I could actually see what they all are. There’s a Winnie the Pooh which doubles as a nod to the Disney parent company and it being one of those very English animated properties (edited to add it is technically Canadian) for kids. Not to mention fellow MCU alum Hayley Atwell starred in Christopher Robin. Right next to Winnie is a Paddington Bear, which is a nice touch. Also, the butterfly painting on her wall that looks like it’s a little mixed media with butterfly pieces on the bottom? That was in Jemma’s Hydra apartment in season two. (I remember that odd detail because I used it in a fic.)

Edited to add that Jemma has a serious thing for butterflies that makes me curious. In addition to the butterfly print from season two, there are framed butterflies on shelves, and sample vials of other butterflies in her collection, and even butterflies on the tea set that she and Fitz have in the white room. I wonder if it’s because they were easy for her to study as a kid, or if she was fascinated by their transformation, or something else. Is that something else, perchance, something to do with Sarge’s Snowflake? She does like to go on about how people become beautiful butterflies after she stabs them. Is this just a weird bit of foreshadowing? Showing a connection between them? Is Snowflake another’s world’s version of Jemma? Oh, that would be weird. But food for thought.

Also edited to add: the book doesn’t just feature Fitz as the prince in the stars and Simmons as the princess looking for him. It also features Mack as a strong bear and Daisy as a quick rabbit, which are interesting choices. I’m assuming it’s them only because they’re the friends they call later in the episode. I mean, it could be that the animals are Daisy and Piper since they went to space together, but that would make Davis the monkey? lol

Cuttlefish

Okay, I’m editing this one in because it struck me, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to include it until I looked up the sea creature. So, I initially thought this was a nod to Jemma talking about fish in the pod at the bottom of the ocean in season one. And maybe it is. But, the cuttlefish is actually from the same taxonomic class as squids... like the symbol for Hydra. Nice nod either way.

Fitz’s Academy Dorm

Hey, Bonus mention of Anne Weaver! I enjoy her. The show should try to get her back for a cameo or two.

Okay, I’ll admit I was too focused on them processing the memory to focus on everything in Fitz’s room, but I did spot that massive Manchester banner. Just a reminder that’s Fitz’s team and Hunter is not a fan, as we learned last season. I might catch more on a rewatch, but feel free to tell me what I missed in both of their rooms.

Edited to add: Fitz is wearing the “same” dark blue hoodie that Jemma wears around the base in season three when she returns from Maveth. It’s not actually the same, but we’re clearly meant to think it’s the same one that fits her because it is far too small for Iain to be wearing it over two more layers of clothing. Also, even before Jemma mentions Fitz being manic, you can actually seen hand drawn monkeys on the wall like what Fitz did in the prison cell. Only a few before they start discussing his state of mind and then show Jemma looking at them on the wall. Also, the tie that Fitz wears when they meet Coulson is hanging on his coat rack.

Side note: I found it interesting, though I loathe the term, that Jemma says she friendzoned Fitz in that scene. That means that Jemma at the Academy must have had some inkling that Fitz had a crush on her. Or, this is just Jemma looking back on it with the benefit of over a decade of experience with Fitz and realizing it. Either way, it confirms that Fitz always thought she was the coolest, even while he was busy arguing with her.

Jemma Needs Therapy

I love that Jemma’s problems locked in a box are an amalgam of all her traumas. (Also, it’s funny to me that she has a little pink safe on her dresser that she could have locked her troubles away in, but instead, it’s the easy to open jewelry box.) This version of Jemma looks like a monster, but she’s wearing her shirt from Maveth and shreds of her Kree-slave attire, carrying the shiv from Maveth, has gold paint on her forehead from her time in the future. (Edited to add: she’s also covered in dirt with a hoarse voice, and I’ve noticed some people think that’s a nod to her emerging from a grave in the Framework, which is a good catch. I thought it was simply to make her look more like a monster, but it makes sense that it’s a nod to what she discovered in the Framework now that I’ve watched the episode again, and this “monster” only emerges after they’re faced with the Doctor.) She’s the embodiment of all the bad things Jemma has gone through, and Fitz is right that she’d be better off with therapy instead of keeping the English stiff upper lip.

Meeting Coulson

The scene where the two of them meet and get recruited by Coulson makes me wonder if it happened immediately before we meet them in the pilot episode. Why? Because they’re wearing their pilot episode clothes, though the hair, of course, is not exactly accurate. (Edited to add: Simmons telling Fitz, “yes, I’ve heard the stories, don’t be weird” is a nod to Coulson’s death being on record. They weren’t at a high enough clearance level to actual know he was alive.)

Edited to add: can we talk about how significant it is that Fitz “fights” the demon version of Jemma on the part of the quinjet where he first thought he was going to lose Jemma? It’s where he couldn’t get his parachute on in “FZZT” and Ward went to save her instead. I just found that location choice interesting. It’s not the bus from season one. It’s definitely an updated quinjet, probably because they don’t have the same exact set pieces anymore, but it looks strikingly similar. Demon-demon asking Fitz if his lungs or bones will go first? That’s a nod to the scene of she and Daisy torturing an alien this season when they were looking for Fitz. Clearly, though she saw the intimidation and torture as necessary, it left it’s mark on her.

Also, I didn’t mention in when I initially posted this, but I think them choosing Daisy and Mack to save them speaks more to how they view them than just what cast was available. We’ve seen Hunter literally pull Fitz out of prison, yet he chooses Mack to save him from Jemma. Why? I feel like he might trust Mack with Jemma’s trauma more than he trusts Hunter. Because Mack was there for most of it, and because Mack was there for his own recovery in season two before he became closer to Hunter. Likewise, Jemma calling Daisy and not May, or Elena? That’s because Daisy has had her back for a year in space. She’s seen Daisy literally take out an entire room of badguys while drugged up on puffies, so of course, Daisy is her first choice. Daisy has also already had the Doctor in her own head when Fitz had his psychotic break last season, so it’s a bit of symmetry there too.

Trapped In A Pod

Okay, so it’s sweet that they realize they don’t just have to rely on one another and call Daisy and Mack for backup against the dark parts of their minds. I enjoy that, as well as the symmetry of them both getting to see each other’s worst parts. What I really love here though is that this is the angrier version of the season one pod scene. The two of them run away from their troubles only to be trapped together in an enclosed space, yet again, to yell at one another about all the things they haven’t had the chance to argue about before. Watching the scene, I literally said that the only thing that would make it better would be if it was actually at the bottom of the ocean. Of course, they realized that and it filled with water. Of course. The arguing in the middle of the water, just as it did in season one, leads to their confessing their feelings. It’s a lovely, symmetrical, story of their relationship, this episode.

That Makeout

Leopold and Demon Jemma going at it while Fitz and Simmons argue? This just further proves that all that bantering in the early seasons was really foreplay, right?

That’s all I’ve got, for now. I’m sure I missed some things just because of the nature of the episode. It’s taking us on a walk through memories, some we’ve seen, so there are likely more that are harder to spot. Let me know what I missed!

#agents of shield #aos season 6 #aos spoilers #aos easter eggs #fitzsimmons

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robininthelabyrinth · 6 years

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Fic prompt: as a kid, Len inherited his maternal grandfather's books. Old, valuable books. When things started getting worse, he would seek refuge among their pages, reading things meant for far older, wiser men - such as instructions in how to make a golem... Many years later he still hasn't found a way to tell Mick the truth...

for the magical creature bingo board, square: author’s choice :)

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He shouldn’t have done it.

Len knows he shouldn’t have, and feels almost bad about it, almost, and he doesn’t feel bad about anything anymore. Hasn’t for years, ever since he started helping Dad out at age five and got his ass kicked for asking about why stealing wasn’t wrong like they said on the TV.

He doesn’t really regret doing it, but that doesn’t change that he shouldn’t have done it.

He shouldn’t have stolen his grandfather’s books, to start with. They weren’t his to have: his grandfather would never have given it to him. Not the grandfather he spent most of his time with when he could, his father’s father, the kindly old man with the ice cream truck and the sad eyes and the deluded hope that his angry son would be content with his father and his wife and so spare his son, but the other one.

He called him grandfather, but he was Len’s mother’s uncle, since her father was long dead; the tall, stern Rav Eleazar, who smiled rarely and did not approve of Len’s mother but insisted on teaching her son Hebrew and the little scraps of Jewish faith he could fit into the one week a year he spent in Central. The one who Len worked so very hard to please, learning Hebrew even on his own time in the library. The one who, when Len read out a whole prayer by himself for the first time and beamed from the sheer pride of it, laughed softly and said, “You remind me of her.”

“Her?” Len asks.

“The Golem of the trenches,” Rav Eleazar said, and his gaze was distant and soft. “I met her in the Great War, where she stood tall among the men, with stars on her brow and truth on her tongue. She fought with honor and with love for all mankind, and walked freely through No Man’s Land where bullets could not touch her.”

It took some time for Len to put it together, the rumors and the stories and the legends, before –

“You met Wonder Woman?” he marveled. “For real?”

“Oh, yes,” Rav Eleazar says. “She is one of our own, you know – a long-wandering Jew taught her mother the tricks of it and stood by her as she formed her out of clay, wrote the shem of God in her mouth and on her brow, and now she is the guardian of mankind.”

“You met Wonder Woman! The superhero! She’s a legend! Tell me about her!”

And Rav Eleazer did.

But he told his tales too well, to a growing thief like Len, because Len couldn’t help but want to know more.

So Len stole his grandfather’s oldest diary.

The one with the stories of his time in the war.

The one with the secrets.

He meant to give it back, he really did, but his mother died a few months later and his grandfather never again returned to Central.

So he carried it with him.

Carried it when his father beat him for questioning his judgment about a job.

Carried it when that job went south and his father hung it all on him.

Carried it through the trial, which no one came to watch.

Carried it to juvie, where no one stood by his side.

Carried it to the hospital, a stab wound bleeding in his side from a shiv no one was there to defend him from.

Carried it through his stay there, with indifferent nurses and doctors barely even looking at him.

Carried it back to juvie, teeth gritted and eyes burning red with hate and hurt and loneliness, to be beaten again and again and again, for the color of his skin and the tenor of his faith and even just because, until he just couldn’t take it anymore

And he pulled out that book and he went to work.

The juvie catered to both of the Gem Cities, but it was located in a far off suburb of Keystone, where the streets had all but faded to rural fields and there weren’t enough people to complain and keep the juvie out, so it was Keystone soil Len went for, thick and strong, warm between his fingers and filled with life already.

He built himself a man, big and tall and strong, with a back strong enough to take the hurts of the world.

He shaped fingers to be clever and quick, shoulders to help support him, strong legs to brace himself against any onrushing force.

For his brain, he put a scrap of lettuce from lunch, to represent growth, and stolen lighter, to represent destruction.

For his heart, Len worried at his own lip until it bled, and he spat that blood into the mud that he mixes with the last few tears he has within him.

Defend me and be by my side, he wishes, with all of his cold little heart. Be mine always.

And he carves the name of God, the shem, into his man’s rib, where it will be safe, and puts the name of truth upon his brow.

And then Len sits back, fury spent, energy gone, nothing left, and closes his eyes.

Please work, he thinks.

He won’t be able to take another disappointment.

If his grandfather lied, if his grandfather’s stories were no more than stories –

It would break his heart.

Please work.

Please.

A warm hand touches his elbow and Len sighs, an exhale of breath. He’d hope to escape notice long enough to complete his task, but apparently that wasn’t to be.

“Hey, kid,” a gruff voice he doesn’t recognize. “You okay?”

Len opens his eyes.

His man of clay looks back at him, open concern in his gaze.

It’s been so long since Len has seen anyone look at him kindly, look at him with concern, that he’s almost forgotten how looks.

“Hi,” Len whispers, unaccountably shy, and smiles, just a little.

And his man of clay smiles back.

Len can’t bring himself to regret that much. Michael, Len called him, named him, and the system recognized him as Michael “Mick” Rory when he followed Len back in – a boy with no family, no home, a pyromaniac whose family burned in a freak accident that he blames himself for.

Len has no idea if Mick Rory actually existed before his Mick walked back into juvie with him, and honestly, he’s too scared to look.

That’s not what he regrets.

What he regrets –

What he regrets is never having damn well explained any of this to Mick.

He should’ve done it from the start, he knows that, but he was scared. That’s explanation, not excuse; he played dumb when Mick asked him what he recalled about Mick’s past, pointed to the story the institutions gave them, avoided any reliance on proof, let Mick learn it and re-learn it until even he thought that was his real past, until he woke up at night dreaming of faces of sisters and brothers he never had.

Or maybe he did; what does Len know of golems? Maybe those dreams are of faces of other golems – Prague, Vilna, Themiscyra – far away.

Maybe Len’s been keeping that from him, too.

Fuck, Len’s fucked this one right up.

And now it’s too late.

Now Mick knows.

It was the fire that had revealed everything.

Len crafted Mick with a lighter in the center of his brain, a pulsing, beating core that thrummed with a remembrance of its love of fire, and it manifested as pyromania. Len was able to help Mick manage it well enough most of the time, but then - the job in Shreveport.

The whole room went up in a rush of flame.

Len scarcely escaped.

Mick, trapped by his love of fire, did not, and the flames consumed him.

But Mick is no mortal man, and fire cannot kill him. He is a golem, made of clay, and you know what fire does to clay?

It hardens it.

Len goes and finds those that turned the warehouse into a trap and kills them, only crumbling after the deed is done, falling to his knees and bowing his head in sorrow and regret.

That is how Mick finds him. His skin is glossy from the heat of the flames, but his face is cold.

“You knew,” he says. It is not a question.

“Yes,” Len whispers.

“Tell me everything.”

Len tells him all of it.

Not just the beginning, born of pain and desperation and a terrible fear that no one would ever love him, but the rest of it, the sickening pangs of guilt, the growth of love, the wrench of knowing that he should speak but finding he cannot, the understanding that he betrayed Mick every day with his silence -

Mick listens, his face closed, his body uninviting.

When Len finishes, cracked open and empty, Mick says nothing.

There is nothing but silence.

Finally, Len can take it no more. “Mick,” he says - more a plea than anything else - but finds his well of words has run dry. “Mick -”

“I need to think about this,” Mick says, and his voice is flat and unfeeling.

Len nods, numbly. That makes sense. That’s reasonable. Mick can think as long as he likes, as long as -

“Alone.”

Len bows his head, the little spark of hope that had been kindling in his chest abruptly extinguished.

It’s only just that this be the result. It doesn’t mean he likes it, it doesn’t mean it isn’t ripping him apart, gutting him, but he understands it.

It is fair.

It is awful, terrible, all-destroying, but it’s fair.

Len brought this on himself.

On them both.

Mick leaves.

After a while, Len leaves, too.

The next year goes by in a terrible blur. Len runs heists, same as always, going through the motions with a dull heart and an empty mind. He gets money and dumps it into bank accounts and turns around and keeps going. He has to keep going.

He knows if he stops, he will fall apart.

He goes - and goes - and goes -

It’s all nothing without Mick.

Len worries about him.

Oh, he knows it’s ridiculous. He knows Mick is all but invulnerable - bullets, knives, blunt force, fire, water, it’s all the same to him. But he has one vulnerability - that mark of truth on his forehead, right between the eyes where it can be mistaken for the wrinkles of stress.

If anyone changes a single stoke of that mark - erases truth and makes it death, a mere letter apart in the original Hebrew - then that’s it.

Dust to dust, ash to ash - clay to clay.

Len wakes up in a cold sweat on a regular basis to images of Mick, his beautiful Mick, dissolving into clay. He’d always known of this risk, but somehow it had not terrified him quite so much, in such a bone-deep manner, as it did now, with Mick gone who-knows-where. Gone where Len cannot protect him.

Even finding a superhero wasn’t really enough to break Len’s apathy. Oh, it’s nice; it’s a challenge. Len spends the whole time thinking wistfully of how he would enjoy this, if he remembered how to enjoy things without Mick.

His heart is gone.

He adds the heat gun to the pile of gifts for Mick that he has no opportunity to give.

He starts planning the next heist - either Keystone or Coast City, since it’s all the same for him right now - when there’s a knock on his door.

Len’s heart throbs for the first time in a year. Anticipation.

He knows that knock.

Len wants to dash over to the door, but his body is seized up. He walks to the door, slowly and surely, and opens it.

It’s Mick.

He looks good.

“Mick,” Len whispers.

“Len,” Mick says, and smiles.

Len suddenly needs to sit down.

Mick catches him as he falls, luckily, and guides him to the couch.

“What the fuck,” Len says groggily.

“Sorry,” Mick says. “My fault. I didn’t realize - you never said - about the distance. You should’ve said.”

“Distance? What about it?” Len asks.

Mick rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. “Of course you didn’t know; that’s why you didn’t tell me. I should’ve known. Len, to make a golem, you have to put your heart and soul into the making or it doesn’t work.”

“Okay..?”

Mick taps his chest. “My heart beats with your heartbeat. When I go away from you, your heart is gone as well. But I’m back, now.”

Everything is in color. Len hadn’t noticed how dull it was the last year, how everything was dull, how even his lovely, sparkling Lisa seemed flat and uninteresting, though he loved her just as much as ever.

“I think I know what you mean,” Len says. “But you don’t have to stay just because of that.”

“I don’t have to stay,” Mick agrees, and there’s a stabbing feeling in Len’s chest. “I want to.”

The feeling fades, replaced by a steadily growing glow of irrepressible joy.

“I’ve learned a lot,” Mick says. “About golems, about humanity, about life, but most of all, I learned that I don’t want to be apart from you.”

Len smiles.

He gives Mick the heat gun – he gives Mick all the gifts he saved for him, anything he thought Mick might like – and they go together on a heist, then on a supervillain spree, because they’re back together, and no one can stop them.

They even go travelling in time, but it doesn’t suit them, and they try to pull out of it. Len has a strict code, so they have to finish the mission first, but they want out. They want out.

Out doesn’t come the way they would have wished.

“The Oculus explosion will kill even you,” Len hisses to Mick’s ear. “This isn’t a fire. This is a nuke!”

“I know,” Mick says, and his face is beauteous in its calm. “But that’s my duty, in the end. I’m here to protect you. I will do it.”

“You will not,” Len says, and takes his place.

Sara carries Mick away, surprised by how light he is for his strength. She does not know that he is clay, and Len does not tell her. Mick’s secret will die with him.

Len braces himself, and wishes Mick well.

A glowing gold rope wraps around his arms.

“What,” Len says, a second before he’s quite literally lassoed into a glowing portal that appears right by his side.

He stumbles out onto a beach, surrounded by a lot of women.

Very tall, very scary women.

“Um,” Len says. “Hi?”

“Welcome,” one of them says, stepping forward.

Len’s never met her before, but he knows her on sight.

“Holy crap, you’re Wonder Woman,” Len blurts out.

She smiles. “Call me Diana,” she says. “After all, you are my brother-in-law.”

Len opens his mouth, then closes it, then opens it, then closes it again. He feebly gestures his lack of understanding.

“Mick is a golem,” Diana clarifies. “As am I; and so he is my brother. And you have married him, which makes us kin.”

Len tries to say something and fails.

“He speaks very highly of you,” she says.

“Well, Mick’s the best,” Len finally says. “None better.”

There are approving smiles all around him, which is a surprise – Len never makes a good impression on anyone – until Len realizes he’s still wrapped in Diana’s famous lasso of truth.

Well.

Mick is the best.

“Unfortunately, I cannot find him right now,” Diana says apologetically. “Will you stay here until I can?”

“Sure,” Len says, a little dazed.

He was expecting a few weeks.

It’s a whole year.

Not that it’s bad – Len doesn’t mind being on an island entirely composed of women, even if his movements are somewhat limited for religious reasons. He finds enough to keep him busy, though they do make him give back everything he steals. They don’t mind that he steals, mind you – they seem to think of it as a very clever game, and that he’s remarkably good at it – but they like the way they’ve distributed things and he doesn’t get to rearrange that at will.

Actually, he ends up becoming rather good friends with Hippolyta, who created Diana all those years ago out of clay with the help of some wandering sailor, and who is the only person who understands why Len’s vitality dims and his world goes grey the longer he’s away from Mick. Diana carries her heart with her; Mick has Len’s own.

“He knows you live,” Hippolyta assures Len. “He knows, deep inside, though perhaps not consciously – do not worry. You will be reunited, in time.”

Len waits, and waits, and waits, even when he sees cracks in the timeline – helpfully laid out in the every-shifting tapestry of Arachne hung up next to but not inside the temple of Athena for obvious reasons – and worries about Mick.

Even when he collapses as his thread is plucked out of its line in the tapestry, and wakes a few weeks later with a new set of memories and a newly intensified hatred of brainwashing.

At least he can assure himself that he only shot Mick through the heart, which would not have killed him, and at any rate, that future was averted.

Still. That was awful.

“I really need to find him,” he says to Hippolyta, Diana having gone out on mission. “I really need to find him. He’s suffering.”

“You’re suffering, too,” she says. “Soon.”

“I’d really appreciate a timeline,” Len grouses. “You’re literally centuries old. Your ‘soon’ and my ‘soon’ are not the same ‘soon’.”

Luckily, it turns out to be closer to Len’s ‘soon’ than Hippolyta’s.

In fact, it turns out to be during a massive universe-crossing invasion.

Diana makes an appearance.

“Ohmigodohmigodohmigod,” Cisco hyperventilates. “It’s Wonder Woman.”

Barry is vibrating with excitement, quite literally. Iris is just making squeaking noises and waving her hands frantically. Caitlin is frozen in place and attempting to communicate her excitement through blinks.

Even Oliver Queen, master of the unimpressed face, has stars in his eyes. “It’s an honor, ma’am,” he says, shaking her hand. “I mean – that is –”

“Diana is fine,” she says, and smiles, and Oliver looks like he needs to sit down.

Len gets that. He’s amused, watching; he’s not expecting to be recognized, what with the armor he’s currently wearing while the resupply lines go and grab his gear from Thermyscia. He’d been training when the call came, and at any rate, you can’t wear a leather jacket or a parka in a Mediterranean island.

Not even if you have a theme.

But his heart is beating strong and the world is in vivid color once more.

The Legends have arrived.

Sara is out first, flanked by Ray and Firestorm.

“Oh my god, it’s Wonder Woman,” Firestorm says. “I mean. Wow. I idolized you growing up. We did. Both of us. I mean – wow, this is embarrassing.”

“Think nothing of it,” Diana says, laughing. “I am honored.”

“Ditto to what he said,” Ray says, looking dazed. “Wow – like, so much ditto. Wow.”

Sara looks like she’s been hit by a truck. It’s not uncommon when people meet Diana. “Yeah,” she says. “Seriously. Wow. And you and your Amazons will be working with us on this? Wow. Now that’s an honor.”

The other Legends follow – Nate and Amaya and Zari, which Len has seen in the tapestry, and Mick.

Mick.

Len would go to him, but his feet are frozen in place.

(Karma for being amused at Caitlin’s plight, no doubt.)

“This is so cool,” Nate says, while both Zari and Amaya seem to be bouncing up and down in a fit of excitement too intense to actually permit them to speak. “I’m going to go say – Mick, what are you doing?”

Mick ignores him and continues walking straight up to a distracted Diana, reaching out for her.

“Mick!” Sara squawks, echoed by Ray and Firestorm. “Stop!”

Diana turns, sees him, and embraces him warmly. “My brother,” she says warmly. “I hope you are well. I have him for you.”

“You’d better,” Mick says, looking relieved.

Nate attempts to insert himself between the two of them. “You’re just amazing,” he gushes, ignoring Mick entirely despite the way they’re intertwined. “I mean, you’re Wonder Woman – Mick, let me talk to her, you had your moment –”

“Buzz off, Pretty,” Mick says, pulling back and making a face at his crewmate. “I wanna talk to my sister.”

“Mick,” Nate hisses.

“Perhaps we can speak later, Mr. Heywood,” Diana says politely, her kind smile unaffected. “I have not seen Mick for quite some time.”

“Wait, you guys have met before?” Ray asks, looking between them. “For real?”

“Did you miss the whole brother-sister thing?” Mick asks dryly.

“We didn’t miss it, we were just stunned,” Firestorm says. “Man, Mick, why didn’t you tell us you’d met Wonder Woman?”

“Didn’t seem relevant.”

“How is that not relevant?” Sara asks, then shakes her head. “Don’t answer that. Really cool, Mick. How did you two meet? And what did you do to get called Wonder Woman’s brother?”

Diana laughs. “He did not have to do anything,” she says, squeezing Mick’s hand. “He was born. Is that not the typical way of it, with brothers?”

“She’s older,” Mick says. “In case it wasn’t obvious.”

“Wait,” Cisco says. “Wait, wait, wait. You’re literally siblings? Mick’s from Thermiscyia?”

“How?” Ray asks. “I thought they were women only.”

“I’m from Keystone, idiots,” Mick says. “She’s still my sister. Listen, we’ve got something really important to discuss – more questions later.”

“Agreed,” Diana says. “If you will be so kind as to excuse us…?”

The crowd parts like the Red Sea, and lets them pass, Diana leading Mick back towards the Amazons. Of course, as soon as they’ve left the group, and the Amazons have close ranks around them, blocking them from view, frantic whispers and gestures erupt in the group left behind.

Len would normally be wallowing in amusement, but his focus is elsewhere.

Mick.

He pulls off his helmet.

“You,” Mick growls, and lunges forward.

Len is moving at the same time, and they crash together, arms around each other, holding each other close. Len feels the wave of dizziness, the feeling of heat burning in his chest, and he knows enough now to let it flow through him, from Mick into the rest of his body, and when he regains his ability to stand, Mick still has him held tight.

“I won’t do that again,” Len promises.

“You’d better,” Mick says. “I won’t let you.”

They stand in silence for a few more minutes.

After a few minutes, Len says, “How do you feel about threesomes? There’s a list of interested Amazons I’ve been collecting.”

“Yeah, I’m in,” Mick says, rolling his eyes but unable to keep the smile off his face. “Maybe after the current crisis?”

“If you insist.”

“I think I do.”

They grin at each other.

“Cisco rebuilt your gun, you know,” Mick says. “Caitlin’s been using it.”

“Trust me, I know,” Len says. “I’ve been watching Arachne’s tapestry.”

Mick blinks at him.

“Long story.”

“No, I know what it is, but it’s only supposed to be readable to – you know what, never mind. Let’s go fight.”

“You can’t leave it at that!”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m happy you’ve developed a functional form of immortality by becoming an Amazonian prince –”

“Don’t be absurd!”

“Technically, my dear, you did marry the brother of the princess,” Hippolyta says mildly. “You qualify. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.”

Len’s reintroduction to the Legends and the Flash turns out to involve some unattractive gaping on his part, because his friends are all awful people, but it still works out somehow. He only has to punch a half-dozen of them or so.

Besides, he has a new job.

Namely, protecting Mick from avid fans trying to convince him to get Diana to give out autographs.

Len minds exactly not at all, as long as Mick’s by his side.

And in the end, they go back to where they ought to be.

The Gem Cities just aren’t the same without their golem.

#dccoldwave #mick rory #leonard snart #wonder woman #diana prince #my fic #coldwave magical creature bingo board #oneiriad

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20-44-sims · 7 years

Note

for misha 1-100

At first I thought you are joking with me…hahaha but then I thought maaaybe someone really wants to know about her 🤔

1-16 you can read HERE

17. What are they like when they’re drunk?

she laughs a lot and hugs ppl and she has the best jokes when she’s drunk ahahah

18. What kind of music do they enjoy?

it depends on her mood but jazz is always a good choice

19. Are they right or left handed?

right handed

20. Fears?

fear of sharks and snakes, but the biggest one is that something bad will happen to Luka

21. Favorite kind of weather?

sunny spring day is like a paradise to her

22. Favorite color?

deep wine red

23. Do they collect anything?

Hats 😁

24. Do they prefer either hot or cold weather more?

cold weather

25. What is their eye color?

green with little blue

26. What is their race/ethnicity?

half Serbian half French

27. Hair color?

Red

28. Are they happy where they are currently?

Yes, she is happy in NYC… but I always see her going back to Paris, maybe later in her life…

29. Are they a morning person?

Noooo she is sooo not the morning person… She’s a night owl for sure!

30. Sunrise or sunset?

Sunrise

31. Are they more messy or more organized?

Messy … but more like an organized messy hahaha

32. Pet peeves?

Bad table manners … loud eaters and gum chewers!!! she would do a serious side eye hahaha or even walk away from the table hahah

33. Do they own any objects of significant personal importance?

yes, small mirror from her grandmother

34. Least favorite food?

Snails

35. Least favorite color?

Bubble pink

36. Least favorite smell?

Gasoline

37. When was the last time they cried?

Hmmm 🤔 ohhh for her birthday, while talking with her parents on the skype

38. Were they with anybody the last time they cried?

Luka was there

39. Tell us about one of the times they got injured?

hmmm she never had any big injury, only those that active kids usually get

40. Do they have any scars?

just tiny ones from rollerskating or falling down as kid bc she was always running/jumping…but they are barely visible

41. Do they struggle with any mental health issues?

Nope

42. Do they have any bad habits?

procrastination

43. Why might someone dislike them?

maybe bc she changes her plans so offten…or bc she tends to make big changes in her life just bc she got bored…

44. Why might someone love them?

maybe bc she has an open mind and open heart

45. Do they believe in ghosts?

Hmmm I mean she never thinks about that but it is an interesting idea and everything is possible…

46. Is there anyone they would trust with their lives?

Family for sure and few friends too… Shiv and Emma

47. Are they romantically interested in anyone?

Yes

48. Are they dating/married to anyone?

Not that I recall 🤔🤥 Kazakov who? they are 10 months together (in real time)

49. Do they like surprises?

yes yes

50. When is their birthday?

21st May

51. How do they usually celebrate their birthday?

It’s an all day thing … First, Luka and Misha always have their morning skype chat with parents, after that she tries to indulge herself as much as she can…this involvs lots of ice cream… hahha… and ofc evening party with friends

52. Do they have any family?

Twin brother (shy guy hahahah) and both parents

53. Are they close to their family?

yes, very much

54. What is their MBTI type?

ENFP (yes yes I took the test as Misha, it’s so fun to pretend that I’m an extrovert)

55. What is their zodiac sign?

Gemini

56. What Hogwarts House would they be in?

she would like to be in the Gryffindor (sorry but I don’t have time for taking this test as Misha)

57. What D&D alignment are they?

58. Do they ever have nightmares? If so, what about?

Nope…

59. What are their views on death?

She tries not to think about that… but she believes in reincarnation

60. What is something that they’re sure to laugh at?

61. When bored, how do they pass time?

First, she would call her friends to go for a walk or to grab a coffee…if no one is free then she turns to a movie or book

62. Do they enjoy being outside?

yes, that’s kinda preferable

63. Do they have an accent?

French accent

64. Upon seeing a slice of chocolate cake, what is their first reaction?

I’ll enjoy in every bite of this chocolate cake like a kid would do

65. If they knew they were going to die, what would they do/say?

she would sell all her stuff and travel with her closest ones

66. How do they feel about sex?

😏😏😏

67. What is their sexuality?

straight

68. Do they become squeamish at the sight of blood?

yes

69. Is there anything that they find really gross?

hmmm nothing comes to my mind…

70. Which TV Trope(s) best describes them?

what is this?

71. Do they enjoy helping people?

yes but sometimes this can take a toll on her bc when she’s helping someone she gets really invested…

72. Are they allergic to anything?

73. Do they have a pet?

no, not right now…and this makes her sad but in the future, I see her with lots of dogs :))) my reds love animals

74. Are they quick to anger? What are they like when they loose their temper?

yes, she gets angry so fast but that anger flame burns out even faster… hahaha… she would lose her temper only if you hit her straight in emotions and then watch out for her sharp Gemini tongue hahah

75. How patient are they?

not very patient hahah

76. Are they good at cooking?

from time to time, when she feels inspired but usually she does not like to spend too much time on cooking food…no way…

77. Favorite insult? Do they insult people often?

jerk, idiot

78. How do they act when they’re particularly happy?

she is not doing anything special but she shines ohhh so bright and spreads that positive energy

79. What do they do when they learn about other people’s fears?

if she thinks that she has something smart to say that can help that person to overcome the fear, she will say it but if not then those infos are stored in the confidential file

80. Are they trustworthy?

yes yes

81. Do they try to hide their emotions? Are they good at it?

not from the ppl that are in her close circle, bc what good can come from hiding emotions from them

82. Do they exercise regularly?

yes, yoga is part of her every day and she likes to run too… but she does not like to go to the gym

83. Are they comfortable with the way they look?

yes, very much so

84. What are some physical features that they find attractive on people?

eyes!!! then strong jawline

85. What kind of personalities do they find attractive?

passionate ppl and creative minds

86. Do they like sweet foods?

yes yes

87. What is their age?

88. Are they tall or short or somewhere in between?

tall… 180cm/5′10′’ (somewhere it says 5′9″)

89. Do they wear glasses or contacts?

glasses…she can’t stand contacts

90. Do they consider themselves attractive?

yes

91. What is their sense of humor like?

witty humor

92. What mood are they most often in?

happy mood

93. What kinds of things anger them?

lies, manipulation and when someone underappreciates her

94. Outlook on life?

“we are the creators of our own happiness…”

95. What kind of things make them sad/depressed?

animal cruelty

96. What is their greatest weakness?

taking things so emotional and maybe

97. What is the greatest strength?

Finding a way to everything that she wants

98. Something that they regret?

How she ended things with her ex

99. Biggest accomplishment?

Getting the job as a costume designer in NYC prominent theater

100. Create your own!

#get to know my chars #questions about my chars #misha #it took me 2 hours to respond to all this #i'm going back to bed now

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terranempire · 7 years

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The Mummy SUCKS

So, Universal is trying to relaunch their classic movie monsters. For the third time in recent years. I get it. There has been success with them in the past, and even some of the more recent iterations did well and were good (which is not the same thing). Brendan Fraser’s films were good and made money (forgetting the abomination that was the third film). “Dracula Untold” was really good but made no money. But this version of “The Mummy” is a trainwreck. I’ll save the biggest and worst problem for the very end but let’s break it down a little, shall we? SPOILERS BELOW

The movie has really uneven pacing, and is very repetitive. It starts with a scene set in the 1100s in England, which really puts you in mind of Egypt and mummies, right? Some Knights Templar are burying one of their own with a shiny red gem. The gem will come in later. A lot. After that brief foray it jumps to the present, where that same location is being rediscovered when they are cutting a new line for the underground. Still no Egypt, still no mummies. Then we finally get the set up for our titular mummy, an Egyptian princess named Ahmanet. It’s the usual story - raised to rule until Daddy managed to get himself a son and now she’s out of a throne, so she turns to evil and kills them all, and gets “mummified alive” for her trouble (which really just means put in a sarcophagus and nothing else). This is all in the trailer. When she gets captured she is mid-ritual to bring the Egyptian god of death, Set, into the world via sacrificing her apparently quite willing boyfriend. Ahmanet is played by the excellent Sofia Boutella, who I love, but the movie really doesn’t let her do a lot. On to our “hero” Nick - Tom Cruise - who is a frontline recon soldier in modern day Iraq who uses his scouting position to steal artifacts and sell them on the black market before Daesh comes in and destroys all that stuff anyway, clearing up any evidence of his wrongdoing for him. It’s a good scam, until he and his wise-cracking, scaredy-pants parter Vail - Jake Johnson - wind up having to call in an airstrike to get away from some insurgents while 100 miles from where they are supposed to be. The airstrike unearths Ahmanet’s tomb/prison (also in the trailer). Tom has found this location by stealing a map sent to a one night stand archaeologist, Jenny - Annabelle Wallis - who shows up on the site at the same time as the military, or possibly with them. It’s not clear. Either way she browbeats them into retrieving the sarcophagus before the insurgents can return and break everything. She’s meant to be strong, I suppose, but she just comes across as a bit of a bitch, which isn’t unreasonable given the circumstances but makes it almost impossible to root for the inevitable “romance”. In the tomb Vail gets bitten by a spider (which is referred to as not being “poisonous” instead of venemous, and it clearly is since he has visible marks of some kind of toxin all over his face shortly thereafter which no one notices). Then comes the set-piece featured in the trailer of the plane disaster. Vail dies from the spider bite and is taken over by Ahmanet’s power. Plane crash follows, with Nick saving Jenny by getting her in a parachute and off the plane, and then dying with the rest of the passengers. The moment stays on him, stuck on the edge of the hole torn in the side of the plane, which the audience can see the ground rushing up through. It’s arguably the best moment of the film because you really feel the futility and sense of impending death and it goes on longer than you would think. Shortly thereafter he wakes up in the morgue, fully intact but seeing the rapidly decomposing ghost of Vail. It’s very “American Werewolf in Paris”, and Vail repeatedly pops up for the rest of the film, trying to convince Nick that they are cursed and filling him in on some of what Ahmanet has planned for him. The tone is very consistent with Jake Johnson’s other work (New Girl, “Let’s Be Cops”, “Jurassic World”) and it sticks out like a sore thumb in this film. It’s just a little too much to be an effective comedic balance to the horror/action elements. The plan is that since her original boyfriend died before she could complete the ritual and put Set in his body Ahmanet has now chosen Nick to be that vessel. Vail wants Nick to give in and take part in the ritual because it is not something he thinks they can fight, or even should. Nick is obviously less keen. Ahmanet is now out and about, sucking the life out of nearby cops and paramedics investigating the crash site, and returning to “life” in the process. It was done better in the Brendan Fraser version of “The Mummy” - Imhotep was scarier and felt far more powerful than Ahmanet does. The limitation of needing to suck down the life force from only the people who were there when his tomb was opened also gave him an oppressive momentum that Ahmanet’s opportunistic kills do not have. Her reanimated victims are also seriously shitty monsters - they flail and squelch and chase but they don’t feel dangerous or kill literally anyone. Again, the Fraser version is vastly superior here - the secondary mummies are dangerous and will fuck you up. Nick and Jenny are at a pub, and this is where some of the best Nick moments happen. She’s asking him how he survived without a scratch and he basically is just getting hammered and shrugging. He’s not a particularly heroic hero - he’s kind of a dick, in it for number one, doesn’t really know or care what’s going on. I liked that about him, but not enough for me to want him to win. Vail’s gross ass shows up again and does his ‘we’re cursed’ thing some more. Ahmanet and some CGI rats freak Nick out with a vision. Nick and Jenny go to the crash site, pulling off at the church where Ahmanet has set up shop. He’s drawn to her, and there is some interesting temptation going on there. Given that she is the only character in the whole movie with any draw, I was honestly well sold on her. Give in, Nick. Be her eternal boytoy. It’s an offer I’d take up. But Nick freaks out when she pulls her magic knife to shiv a god into his body, and she freaks out when she realises her magic knife is broken. The gem half got buried with the Knight Templar in the opening scene. She only has the blade and it doesn’t work without both. Nick and Jenny run away. Shitty CGI mummies try ineffectually to stop them. Nick drives right back to Ahmanet, because she’s in his head, drawing him to her. I liked that. Right as she’s about to fuck him up and kill Jenny, Jenny’s people show up and tranq dart everyone, bringing them all back to their super-secret lair. The dude who has been giving the voiceover background on Ahmanet the whole time is there - Henry Jeckyll (as played by Russell Crowe). His people investigate, contain, and eradicate evil, and Ahmanet is the oldest thing they’ve come up against. We see some nice bits and pieces indicating where Universal plans to go with future “Dark Universe” films - including a vampire skull. He goes over Ahmanet’s backstory again for Nick’s sake, showing the audience the scenes of her killing her family and getting stopped mid-boyfriend sacrifice again. As I said, weirdly repetitive. Jekyll wants to dissect her (for science!) and even Jenny is like, “That’s kind of fucked up.” He also wants to put the magic knife back together and sacrifice Nick to let Set in, and then somehow kill Set. It’s a bad plan, and both Nick and Jenny are like, “Um, pass.” Jekyll then Hyde’s the fuck out, and Hyde tries to talk Nick into becoming Set and evilling together like pals. Nick manages to get him his Jekyll-juice and knocks him out. He and Jenny escape. Ahmanet, using magic spiders for mind-control purposes, also escapes. The spider thing was weird to me. Why not just use scarabs? She’s a fucking mummy. Apparently scarabs are reserved for Arnold Vosloo. ANYWAYS, Jekyll’s people have unearthed the gem half of the magic knife, so Nick & Jenny (and sometimes Vail’s creepy ghost), and Ahmanet, and Jekyll’s people all go for it. Ahmanet reanimates the Knights Templar to kill the Jekyll-people at the crypt while she breaks every window in London (except those on the cars used by Jekyll’s people) to create a sandstorm with her face in it. It is in the trailer. Again, the Fraser films did it better. Ahmanet catches up to Nick & Jenny after she gets the gem and puts her knife together, dragging Jenny into the flooded part of the Knights’ tomb and drowning her. Some of this is also in the trailer. Seriously the whole fucking movie is in the trailer. Nick tries and fails to save her. So, it’s just him and Ahmanet. She’s offering immortality and the power of life over death AND herself as his queen. Like, bro, that’s a great fucking deal. If you don’t take it I WILL. Ahmanet and I can be immortal death goddesses and lovers and you can cry on that dead blonde girl you fucked that one time who believed “somewhere deep inside” that you’re not a douche, despite the ample evidence you personally provided her to the contrary. So Ahmanet kicks Nick around for a little while, trying to get him to say yes to the whole get-sacrificed-and-become-a-god thing even though at no point was it even implied that consent is required, so if you want him that much girl just stab him, and he’s like no, no, no, I don’t want to, it’s not me, it’s you. They tussle and Nick steals the magic knife, and Ahmanet’s like, wtf, thief! And Nick smashes the stone of the knife on the ground, cracking but not destroying it. She tries to convince him once more to join her instead of breaking it, so he just goes “fuck it” and stabs himself to become Set’s vessel. Ahmanet is freaked out and cautious when Set/Nick gets double irises like her (which btw is a stupid fucking design choice), but then he flashes back to blondie telling him she thinks he’s a good man deep inside, and then comes the oh-so-obvious fight against the darkness within bullshit and Nick single-irises again and sucks the life out of Ahmanet, leaving her a mummy once more. He then screams at Jenny’s dead ass not to be dead anymore, so she gets up and he’s all hiding in the shadows, “don’t look at me, I’m a monster, I wish we had more time together (even though neither of us actually likes the other all that much and we only knew each other for a couple of days)”, blah blah. Anyway, he dips and then Jenny and Jekyll talk about how maybe it’s better because sometimes you need monsters to fight monsters, but who know if the evil in him will prevail, etc., blah blah. It intercuts with Nick in the desert somewhere, with his hand pointlessly wrapped reminiscent of a mummy, and Vail is with him. Vail casually thanks him for making him not dead anymore (which did not happen on screen and sticks out like wtf are you talking about? Do you even know how to movie?). And that’s it. Tom Cruise is The fucking Mummy. Tom Cruise. Tom definitely-not-Egyptian, not-even-African-like-Sofia-Boutella-and-Arnold-Vosloo Cruise is The Mummy. That is how Universal decided to reboot their monster franchise. What the ever-loving fuck? What moron greenlit this shit, seriously? Did they honestly think people were going to say, you know who would make a great Mummy? Tom Cruise. You know: Maverick. Ethan Hunt. Jerry Maguire. Motherfucking Lestat. He’s The Mummy. And that is some bullshit.

#The Mummy #The Mummy 2017 #Tom Cruise #film review #spoilers

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literateape · 6 years

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American Shithole #22 — FLOTUS, She Wrote (Us)

By Eric Wilson

It’s been seven days since we last connected, Shitholers, and I am confident our country has cleaned up all this nasty business of torturing impoverished children. Having taken a break from all media for an extended weekend, let me just bring myself up to speed, old school.

(If you were to listen closely, the rustling of old-timey newspapers could be heard at A.S. headquarters.)

Let’s just take a looksee here at what is happing in this fine country (rustle, rustle) as I am certain the powers that be have reunited the thousands of (rustle) migrant toddlers and adolescents (rustle, rustle) that they themselves scattered across America after they themselves and no one else enacted a ruthless policy (rustle) ripping them from the loving arms of their mothers and fathers.

(rustle, rustle, rustle)

Let’s just see here… there are an awful lot of think pieces about a restaurant.

The Red Hen must serve some amazing grub to garner this much copy. No, it’s not the food. Apparently someone of some importance didn’t get their meal?

So, metaphorically speaking, the fucking plane is crashing, the kids are all stuffed into the overhead, but some people are pissed because the lady sitting in 17C that helped set the aircraft on fire, didn’t get her fish sticks?

This seems to have upset the current occupant of the Lazy D Dude Ranch as well, who seized the opportunity to cattle prod his moron herd into chewing cud outside the Lexington restaurant this week — although I found the colorful characters that descended upon the quiet Virginia town in protest documented in the Washington Post to be thoroughly entertaining.

I’m sure there’s some news in here about torturing kids. Restaurant (rustle) restaurant (rustle, rustle) ah-ha! Here we are!

Now before I read the good news — the good news that will with absolute certainty both assuage my fear and confirm my belief that the United States would never allow the torture of migrant children — I’d just like to say, how proud I am to be an American.

I just wanted to get that in there before I read what is definitely going to be good news.

(If you were to listen closely, the short silence would be followed by the careful folding of old-timey newspapers, and the gentle flick of a Zippo.)

I see this administration has gone… a different direction.

It appears this president desires to do away with the constitutional provision of due process for all. Instead of taking this catastrophic failure of epic proportion and showing some humility, some decency, some semblance of compassion and empathy, Trump has elected to do away with courts of any kind, stripping immigrants and asylum seekers of their constitutional rights.

It’s like we’ve fallen into a bottomless well, and we’re hitting history all the way down — and the history we’ve ignored is hard as steel.

“Not so fast, Mr. President,” says U.S. District Court Judge Dana Sabraw — who granted a preliminary injunction to the ACLU Tuesday requiring all immigrant children under the age of 5 to be reunited with their parents in less than two weeks, and for those children over the age of 5, no more than a month.

“Not so fast to you,” says our Commander in Chief, “I’ve got a Space Force.”

Every few months the malignancy is noticeably worse. The pain is constant now, and the will to fight is stretched thin. Let’s face it, we are dying of cancer, America.

“So, um, you all know where each and every one of these thousands of kids are, right?” asked millions of worried citizens looking to hold onto their last shred of American integrity.

Seventeen states and the District of Columbia are suing the Trump Administration over the family separations, so far. This hellish nightmare is the summer’s new hit series and it is definitely renewed for election season.

To offer further perspective into just how toxic this situation is, even before the shit hit the fan, the two Texas companies deemed capable of doing the job, turned down lucrative no-bid contracts worth upwards of a billion dollars to expand the child immigrant camps — so Trump’s plans to enlarge the operation were scrapped.

But hey, I hear the First Lady is set for a second trip to visit with the kids still living it up in Cagetown. Her first trip was quite the fashion statement; I’d say a smashing success, even — with sociopaths. Since so many people found her coat that read “I really don’t care, do U?” confusing, American Shithole has employed the services of three psychologists, five sociologists, a score of linguistics analysts and one relative who just needed a job, to decipher Melania’s cryptic message to the world.

Unfortunately they all failed, because it makes no fucking sense that FLOTUS — or anyone for that matter — could or would be either that callous or that clueless. My brain literally shut down late last week when that image splashed across the back of my retina. It acted like a kill switch.

It dawned on me (rather late) that the distraction was likely a choreographed event. It does not compute, my brain decided, so I turned the news off for five days. With crying, terrified children on every screen on the planet, the immigration debacle is the first to nearly break the spell — the only solution for Trump was to get everyone to tune out. Melania was either instructed to wear that coat or she is party to all this madness.

Look, I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I’m all out of coincidences.

Wondering what she’ll wear next? Well muse no longer!

American Shithole has secured secret footage of the possible wardrobe choices considered by/for FLOTUS for her next visit with incarcerated toddlers. We have it on good authority that she is going with another winter jacket in the blazing hot summer that will offer one of three significantly clearer messages for the country.

1. I’m hungry, U bring me the chubby ones.

2. South Lawn needs weeds pulled; graves dug.

3. Barron requires one lucky playdate, niñas.

Not that some opportunist from Slovenia could ever break into the top 1,000 problems we face as a country — even if she is the First Lady. She's just a distraction.

The real disaster is that the ultra-conservative, uber-rich spent the past 70 years manipulating three generations of Americans, dumbing down middle and lower-class citizens in states all across this country, inciting people to hatred, stoking their fears, driving away empathy, championing tribalism — all while stripping them of value — and now we have a nation of imbeciles too scared and too stupid for critical thought.

A month or so back you might remember I suggested Trump supporters don’t deserve to suffer (because no human deserves to suffer in my opinion), but I am clearly not above wanting them to suffer — which I do.

I do feel emptiness sometimes, in a way I have never felt it before, when I reflect on how much rage this presidency instills in me. The Yang of a terrible Yin, I suppose. I’ve never experienced the desire for revenge, the way I want for it now.

I need everyone involved with any of the treasonous actions leading to the theft of the presidency or the subsequent obstruction of justice, to spend the rest of their fucking shitty lives in prison. Not rich-people prison, either. None of this country club with bars bullshit, I mean shiv-dodging, soap-dropping, salad-tossing prison — preferably with a cellmate named Lamont or Jesus.

I also hope the multi-millionaires and billionaires responsible for turning America against itself for their own selfish reasons lose absolutely everything. They are grossly, obscenely overvalued, and they need to be revalued according to their worth to humanity; which is zero. Less than zero, actually. Then I want those motherfuckers to go to prison too.

Finally, I want every fucking MAGA hat wearing zealot to eat crow in public until the end of their bootlicking days, with a full-understanding that history will be remembering early 21st century conservative America for the scared senseless, shallow, stupid, pitiful shithole it was.

They may not deserve to suffer, but I fucking OWN my desire to see them suffer. I am not proud of this; it is just part of my inner workings — these motherfuckers must pay.

Like this shambling mound of overconfidence that shuffled her way across the street like some fugly fucking peacock, in her fucking socks no less, to wag her fat middle finger in the face of a brown-skinned American working on the job. She can be heard parroting Trump in her assertion that all his kind (Mexicans, she assumed) are rapists and drug dealers.

Fuck that fucking house troll in rolled-up mom jeans.

My friend Chris echoed some of my sentiments recently:

“Trump makes these assholes feel comfortable to be openly racist. Let’s make racism socially unacceptable again. Force these bigots to bite their lip out of fear of being outed, embarrassed and ostracized. The process of learning one’s culture, enculturation, isn’t just learning from parents (racist or not), but also through peers, social norms, etiquette, shame/praise, etc. If we can’t change minds, we can at least change interpersonal behavior — for collective peace. Find this lady’s name and spread it around. She should be embarrassed. So let’s make it happen.”

I agree, but unfortunately I can’t find her name, at least as of Tuesday.

Whoever she is, she needs to eat crow on a daily basis. Same for any other racist we witness and capture on camera. Share it, get it viral. I get a boner like concrete anytime a Nazi loses his or her day job. Get the word out about who these emboldened racists are, where they are, what they do, and let’s make their shitty life decisions costly — and this should ring some bells — as a deterrent for other racists looking to express their fear and hatred out in the open.

Remember, even five years ago, if the (then) hypothetical question had been put to the American people “Would you support the impeachment and incarceration of an openly racist president guilty of treason?” almost no one would respond, “Well, that depends upon their party affiliation.” What they would say is, "Oh, that could never happen here."

B.S. Report

The Parkland Survivors are wrapping up their June tour dates for March For Our Lives, where unlike every effort before them, they are actually moving youth to register to vote all across the country in record numbers. No small feat, indeed. You can check their website to find cities near you that are on the itinerary for July and August. Show your support for these fine young Americans, if you have the chance.

In the best of ways, they are the vanguard; this is how nations change.

4LWjr.

#Red Hen #Space Force #Melania's jacket #racists

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