#but seriously this quote has me sobbing fr

[armanisluv]

“You have no idea. There is only so much of me left, Renee! I am not giving the scraps to him to ruin.”

the thing about this quote is that- like- it’s so fucking relatable.

like- andrew has been beaten and broken by so many people through his life that he just doesn’t have anything left. what he does have he’s trying to preserve as best as he can as to not be left completely undone. broken beyond repair. he’s already so close to that point. he can’t let another person do that to him.

i’m not good at explaining things like this but @nanatsuyu did it so perfectly and i’m just like- wahhhh TwT

andrew reaching his lowest point in life where it’s driven him to SH is so heartbreaking cuz in the books he seems like he just doesn’t give a fuck (and to an extent he really just doesn’t give a fuck) but it’s obvious that in some ways he really does give a fuck yk?

at one point though, he did. many moons ago, he gave a fuck, even if nobody else gave one about him. the one person he thought actually did (cass spears) turned out to be like everyone else. he’s been forced to stay in survival mode.

then… there was neil.

andrew wasn’t willing to give the rest of himself to kevin. so why was neil the one he decided to do this for?

with neil getting andrew’s protection and being brought into the group of monsters, neil gave what he had left of himself to andrew for him to protect. he trusted andrew enough to give him the rest of his scraps. despite not feeling the need to be protected by anyone (since he dedicated himself as the protector of the group with the deals he made), seeing neil be willing to give up his life for andrew’s sake showed him that neil was worth it. neil was worth giving his scraps to. he knew that neil would never do anything to ruin him. to break him. to make him have to remain in survival mode.

there are people in the world that have gone through situations similar to andrew, whether it be one of them or all of them. there are people that stay in that state of survival mode. they don’t open up to anyone or let themselves feel what andrew provides for the monsters and neil. i’m one of those people, and that’s why i find this quote specifically to be really relatable.

if you know anyone that’s gone through trauma, any sort of trauma, show them that they’re worth protection and love. show them that it’s okay to open up. that it’s okay to give up their scraps to people worth having them. be the neil to their andrew.

PSPSPSPSPS SORRY I FEEL LIKE I GOT OFF TOPIC AND THAT I’M WAY OFF COURSE WITH MY THOUGHTS I’M SO SORRY LEMME SHUT UP-

#yall pls don’t pay any attention to this i read too deep into shit a lot and often get it wrong 😭😭 #but seriously this quote has me sobbing fr #i relate so hard #i’m so sorry for this #aftg #all for the game #tfc #the foxhole court #andrew minyard #neil josten

[dragon-writes-sometimes]

I Hate Me More!

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Characters: Virgil, Roman.

Relationships: Prinxiety

Summary: Virgil has had the worst day of his life. Well, it's up that alley anyway. Roman isn't helping with being as extra as he is, but they eventually get to talking about what's going on. And it makes Roman start to think that, just this once, violence and murder was the way to go.

Word count: 2254

A/N: PLEASE!!! Read the tags!! This is very angsty (for me, and I wrote it)! I had to take many breaks from writing this due to the sheer amount of angst and crying! I don't know how angst writers do this every day!

This was inspired by an incorrect quote made by @MusicalsAndLove on Twitter.

Please stay safe my lovelies!

(This was also written on Virgil’s birthday... so happy birthday, Virgil?)

AO3 link

I Hate Me More!

Virgil was having a bad day. Well, all days were bad days, but this one was even worse. He’d been kicked out of his parents’ house a month ago for being himself. Like, come on. It was almost 2020. Get with the times already. Being trans and gay was nothing new at this point.

He’d moved in with his childhood friend and present boyfriend, Roman Green, after that. Roman Green he was going to kill! He loved Roman, don’t get him wrong. He really loved Roman. But sometimes he could be too much. Especially on his really bad days.

Roman was currently singing at the top of his lungs in the small apartment's living room. Being too extra about it, as well. Princey-style. He’d just come back from his last lecture of the day, Virgil had been home for a few hours at that point. And was just recovering from a panic attack.

Virgil stomped down to the living room from their shared bedroom down the hall. “Could you shut up for just one minute, Princey?!” Virgil asked, irritated. Roman stopped belting out songs as soon as he heard Virgil’s voice.

“Greetings to you too, my lovely Stormcloud. And nay to your question. Otherwise, how would I be able to serenade the most beautiful man in the world?” Roman smirked, turning around to look at Virgil.

“Stop already! You’re so infuriating sometimes! ARGH!” Virgil went to grab at his hair but stopped himself last second.

Roman dropped his smirk into a frown. Something was off. This wasn’t their usual daily after-class banter. “Are you alright, Virgil? What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” he asked. He shouldn’t have.

Virgil metaphorically exploded at being called pretty. He usually didn’t mind it, but after today’s events, it was the worst thing Roman could’ve chosen to say to him. “PRETTY?!” he all but screeched. “Is that all I am to you? Just a pretty face?! Someone to pity and show off? To show what a saint you are?! Ooh, look! It’s poor little Virgil who can’t figure himself out! He was kicked out of his own house because he was so fucked up! Let’s help him to show the world what a good person I am!”

Something was definitely off, but Roman’s mind only fixated on Virgil’s words. His statements. Roman saw red. How dare he insinuate that! “What’s wrong with you, Virgil?! How can you even think that?!”

“I’m right, aren’t I? I’m just a pity-project!” Virgil shouted.

“No! No, you’re not! God, what do you want from me?!” Roman yelled back.

“Nothing!! Absolutely nothing! I want nothing to do with you!” Virgil all but roared. It stirred Roman further into his red set of mind.

Before he could think about what to say next, he heard himself say the biggest falsehood in his life, one that was spurred on by the heat of the moment.

“Oh, my g- I hate you!” And Roman went silent. Had he just said that? Why did he say that? He loved Virgil! More than anything and anyone!

Virgil went silent as well. Tears in his eyes. And the wheels in Roman’s brain started turning again. “Yeah, well I hate me more.” His voice went quiet, and Roman almost didn’t hear him. “I hate me more.”

And the gears clicked. Why Virgil had acted out. His family. “I- I didn’t mean it, Virge. Please, babe,” Roman said with the softest voice Virgil had heard from the other man. And Roman slowly went closer to Virgil. Closer and closer. Until he was only a breath away and embraced him. “We’ve talked about this. You have to tell me when you’re having a bad day.” Virgil was hiding his face in Roman’s chest, sobbing his heart out. “You have to tell me right away when your parents try and get to you. I love you. I won’t let them get to you. I swear it,” he quietly continued as he rubbed soothing circles Virgil’s back.

Roman’s heart broke at the sound of Virgil’s sobs. “I’m s’ry. ‘M s’ s’ry! I-I…” Virgil’s muffled cries came from Roman’s chest. And that sound shattered Roman’s heart.

“Shh, hush, darling. It’s not your fault. I love you so much. But please, tell me what happened. At your own pace. I love you so, so much!” he mumbled as he kissed Virgil’s head.

Virgil nuzzled into Roman’s touch. “Mm, love you too, Ro. I-” Virgil moved a bit to look at Roman. “Can we move to the couch, please?”

Roman’s heart was in danger of bursting from heartbreak at the look in Virgil’s eyes. So pleading and red and hurt almost beyond repair. “Of course, Love.”

After they had settled on the couch, Virgil started crying again. “I’m s- so fucking sor-sorry, Ro-oman! I-I didn’t mean it! I-I just-”

“I know. Love, I know.” Roman kissed Virgil’s hair once more. “But you have to let me know. It doesn’t matter if I’m in class. You tell me right away! Please,” Roman said seriously while looking Virgil in the eye.

Virgil sniffled and rubbed his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it again and hid his face in the crock of Roman’s neck.

“What happened, my darling Stormcloud?” Roman was getting very worried. He’d never seen Virgil like this except for when he stood at Roman’s doorstep a month ago after his parents kicked him out.

Roman moved Virgil so that he was sitting in Roman’s lap. The recently turned 18 art student looked down at Roman’s chest, to scared to look him in the eye after what he said, even though Roman semi figured out what was going on with him.

Virgil softly placed his hands on Roman’s flat chest, one hand starting to softly trace it. God, he wanted a flat chest like his handsome boyfriend. Tears began to blur his vision once more.

“Virgil?” Roman spoke so softly that you couldn’t really blame Virgil for immediately surging up to kiss him. Roman was surprised at first but reciprocated it after only a moment. It was wet and sloppy but passionate.

They broke apart after a minute. “I’m really sorry for saying those things,” Virgil whispered his mouth only a breath away from Roman’s lips. He leaned his forehead on Roman’s before continuing. “My parents-” his voice broke.

“You don’t have to tell me right now. We can just cuddle until you feel a bit better, Love. I’m not pressuring you,” Roman murmured before kissing Virgil again, just a little peck on the lips.

Virgil smiled at the love and affection radiating from Roman and directed at him. “But I want to. I need to.” Virgil sighed, and his smile dropped. “I ran into them today.”

Roman visibly tensed. Virgil could tell he was trying to not show his anger towards them. When Virgil stood in front of Roman’s door on his 18th birthday, Roman had to really control himself so he wouldn’t take off and take out the rightful anger he felt on Virgil’s behalf on his parents.

Roman nodded for Virgil to continue. He wanted to know what the hell they did to his precious Stormcloud!

“They- it was in Remy’s coffee shop. I don’t know when or how they found it. Remy said they’d never been there before. Reina hadn’t seen them before, either. I didn’t see them at first. Was sitting with my back against the door. They-” Virgil’s voice broke again, and he had to swallow past the lump in his throat. “They deadnamed me.”

Roman was seething. Absolutely seething. He considered violence an atrocity but was at that moment planning two murders. Those people knew not what respect was at all!

Virgil hugged himself back into Roman, seeking comfort. “I- they- they said ‘well, i-if it isn’t our p-pretty little daughter, Victoria’. I fr-froze. It didn’t sound l-like they were the by ac-accident,” Virgil said, voice barely above a whisper.

Roman stiffened. “So that’s how I set you off? By saying you’re pretty? I’m so sorry, Virgil! Had I known, I would never have said it! Please forgive me!” Roman hid his face in Virgil’s neck. He was close to tears himself. Stupid! He should’ve noticed Virgil’s mood wasn’t one of banter sooner! Shouldn’t have called him pretty! What was he good for?!

Virgil sniffed out a small laugh. “I know, Ro. You would never do that. You didn’t know, so you don’t need to ask for my forgiveness. But… I forgive you.” Virgil breathed in Roman’s sent. So nice and calming. He smelled like the forest they used to play in when they were younger, with just a hint of lilacs and old books. Bottom line: he smelled Perfect with a capital P.

“What happened then?” Roman asked softly. He had a suspicion but hoped that that was it; what Virgil had told already. Of course, that sadly wasn’t the case.

“They- they started shouting and belittling me, and I didn’t do anything! I just sat there, all frozen.” Virgil was sniffling again, he was very close to tears once more. “If it weren’t for Remy and Reina, I don’t think they would’ve stopped. I might’ve even gotten physical between them and me. I feel so fucking guilty for leaving Ann behind! She has to live with them for two more years! I just wish I could’ve taken her with me out of that hell-hole…” Virgil trailed off, remembering what came next. Roman was going to flip when he told him. Virgil just knew it.

“I love your sister like she’s my own sister, so I get it, Virgil. But we have to stay strong. Maybe we can find something on your parents that’ll make them lose custody over her. I’m sure Remus’ partner, Dee, would be more than happy to help! They could definitely find something we can use against them!” Roman declared, mentally striking a dramatic pose.

Virgil hugged Roman even tighter because he knew what was about to be said was not pretty.

“Hey, what is it, Virgil? Did something else happen?” Roman asked, sensing Virgil’s discomfort. Virgil nuzzled himself closer to Roman in response. ”I’ll take that as a yes. You feel comfortable telling me?”

Virgil took a deep breath. He could do this. He slowly pulled back to look at Roman, tears in his eyes. “Remember how I got a new number after… you know?” Roman nodded. “Yeah, well, I made sure Ann got it so we could keep in touch, as you know.”

Roman didn’t like where this was going. “Yeah? What does that have to do with your parents being assholes to you?” Roman was very worried by the way Virgil avoided his soft gaze.

Virgil fished his phone up from his pocket and shoved it into Roman’s hands. Roman looked quizzically at Virgil.

“When I got back here I-I got a call from Anastacia.” Virgil paused. This was gonna be tough. “Except- except it wasn’t her. Mom and dad they- they got a hold of her phone. They were the ones calling me. I- I thought I’d gotten away from them! And when they called- I didn’t hang up! I let them scream at me over the phone! I- I didn’t say anything, though. So they hung up.” Virgil chanced a glance at Roman’s face, and Roman was no longer contemplating committing murder. He was actually going to do it!

But for now, Roman was going to be there for Virgil. And hear out the rest of Virgil’s story. So if he held him a little tighter? Well, you couldn’t blame him in the slightest.

Virgil nuzzled his head against Roman's chest again and listened to his heartbeat. “Open my phone, and it will tell you the rest,” Virgil sighed. And check it, Roman did.

“What the actual fuck is wrong with them?!” The phone was filled with hateful texts from his parents. Both from their phones, but also from Anastacia’s. And just as he was about to turn back to kiss Virgil, another text message dinged in.

And Virgil froze. “What does it say?” he asked after a lot of internal debating and at least a minute of hesitation.

Roman didn’t really want to indulge Virgil but knew that it was better that he saw it now, together than later when he was alone. Roman felt sick at what it said. ‘Think of what you did, you sinning little faggot. Learn your place in the world!’ is what the text said. “We’re gonna get a hold of Dee right now! I think this’ll help us get at least a restraining order!” Roman practically growled.

“So, worse than the rest,” Virgil whispered. Not a question, but a statement. “Can we- can we stay here for a while? Just. Cuddling? Text Remus, but please just stay?” Virgil asked, voice so quiet and doubting.

“Of course, my beautiful dark angel! I would love nothing more! And I will text him. But for now; cuddles,” Roman whispered back, kissing Virgil’s hair before softly using his hand to tilt his head up to give Virgil a tentative and caring kiss, trying to pour as much love in it as he could muster.

“Mmm, cuddles,” Virgil mumbled as he slowly broke away from the kiss to curl up in Roman’s lap, starting to dose off, the excess anger and anxiety had left him rather tired. This day had just turned from the worst to the not worst. “Cuddles. Cuddles good.”

Endnotes: And if you want to kill Virgil's parents? You're not alone! I wanna kill them, too! All throughout writing this, actually.           

#sanders sides #angst #virgil sanders #roman sanders #prinxiety #remus sanders - mentioned #janus sanders - mentioned #demus - background #trans Virgil #hold onto your hearts everyone! #this is angsty #like #for real! #homophobia #transphobia #slurs #homophobic language #brief #so much angst #angst and hurt/comfort #emotional hurt/comfort #emotional/phychological abuse #verbal fighting #contemplating murder #mean parents #homophobic parents #transphobic parents #eventual fluff #eventual cuddles #i swear