#but im tired and dont wanna do anything about it

[ittybittybumblebee]

i want to see exactly how many people actually have thought i am for research because ive gotten this quite a few times from different people i just wanna see how far it goes

#please understand while im not doubting so much now im not going to base off everything by peoples perceptions of my online behavior but #i feel like it does give good insight #i just always have a little hesitation in me because i feel like no one can get a full scope or honest picture of myself to Know me enough #to say that i can trust their opinion of me without knowing me enough in that sense #gahh. cuz i always feel like im doing Just Fine Enough i feel normal enough but im not guhh. #GUHHGGGHGH #it literally wouldnt change anything for me. like im autistic . ok! shrugs my shoulders. i cope i cant to anything more to help myself #than that #do u guys get it. do i have to go eat bricks or do u guys get it. my internal struggle. im like sisyphus #i cant trust other peoples opinions of my and i cant trust my own perceptions #while of course self diagnosis is a wonderful thing i dont want to put a name on myself that serves me no purpose #autism is awesome but do i deserve that title when dont feel like i own it wether i am autistic or not #im just so conflicted. #do you get it. do you get me. am i being reasonable . am i just fighting a truth about myself or are my doubts realistic. but the Evidence. #im so tired #i do not wanna b one of those tiktok girlies saying theyr hyperfixated on cooking pasta #Now do you get me #all my long winded rabbit trail rambles out of me before i finally get to my one point condensed conclusion #and now i just cant delete the rest of my tags because of all my time spent on them #enjoy my indentity crisis lol #i Might delete some of these tags later

[3-aem]

thinking about my exit interview that was super informal but at one point i was like okay i will say something positive about the team and my ex manager was like okay

and then we both sat there in silence for a solid minute

#me:…theyre nice people! #my ex manager with suspicious eyes: #delete later #i wanted to try out my buildings laundry machines today #bc i was tired of using the portable one in my apartment #its big and clunky and breaks my tap everytime i do laundry #and i dont have a dryer so massive pain #but it cost me $5.5 and so i will continue doing it in my apartment ❤️ #tbf it wasnt even really an interview i just had to return my shit and was like hey do u wanna hear the tea and gossip #and he was like pulling out a notebook like yea #and then i went off for an hour #hes not a retaliatory dude so it was fine if anything im sure he just took the notes and then went off to figure out solutions or whatever #now i feel like i snitched #i didnt say names but he just kept figuring it out #i was like ppl dont like how ppl drop documentation in code reviews #and he was like is this about gordon and his use effect document #and i was like……………..*speechless* #and then i was like some ppl thing the environment has gotten a tad competitive #and he was like is that from henry #*SPEECHLESS*

[jessicas-pi]

it's actually, genuinely, honestly hilarious that in a fandom where popular ships include characters who are biologically related, characters with a 10+ year age gap who met when one was a teenager or even a child, and characters who have tried to kill each other, people hate on a friends-to-lovers ship with a <2 year age gap where the characters have a deep emotional bond and plenty of romantic subtext, because "they're siblings". my brother in the force they are literally not.

#i'm just saying. out of all the ships in the star war; sabine and ezra have one of the healthiest dynamics #right up there with kanera and bail and breha and obitine and maybe a few others. there are SO few 'problems' with it. #not that those 'problems' make a ship BAD when it's written well or in certain context. #just that out of all the ships to pick on; people choose THIS one????? #the one with character growth and found family and mutual respect?? #the one with self-sacrifice and decades-long loyalty and obitine parallels and a jetpack chase scene???? #what's there to hate??? #and i would add a disclaimer about how if you dont ship them its fine as long as you dont bully but honestly? #i am so so tired of having to qualify my statements. #this is about the targeted hate. this has always been about the targeted hate. #and i don't care if someone loathes something i love as long as they they keep that loathing out of my personal space. #this has been a tag rant. thank you for reading. #btw i'm not being sarcastic about it being hilarious. it genuinely cracks me up to see people get SO hateful over this #for a reason that does not exist #as opposed to several other ships which DO IN FACT HAVE THAT OBJECTION. #like. oh my gosh. are you even listening to yourselves. #if u wanna have the don't-ship-siblings fight then puhLEEZE bring it to someone who ships siblings. #jessica's controversial star wars opinions #sabezra #(don't worry that this post is a vent because i'm getting bullied or anything. im not visible enough for that i guess lol) #it was written in humor not in hurt :)

[standfucker]

not gonna lie yall, it feels like all I do is either work or recover from work and it's bumming me out big time

#I don't have a chronic illness. I shouldn't be taking this long to recover #idk why I can't get home from work and go straight to writing #it's like I have to spend a day mustering up the will to live in the face of ongoing capitalism #it's my own fault. I would have had a two day weekend but they asked me to come in to cover someone and my clown ass said sure #I want to be pissed at the coworker who called off but it's my own fault for accepting #I had a phone interview today and I am ANXIOUS to know if they're going to bring me in for a second interview I NEED a better job #I just want a job where I dont dread going to work and also maybe get paid more than minimum wage #feeling really depressed about capitalism and working forever and knowing I'll never be able to afford a house #I WANT TIME TO DO MY HOBBIES GOD DAMN IT ;A; #also im lonely as hell. how am I supposed to go out and meet people if I'm too tired to do anything #I wanna meet someone. I wanna be loved romantically.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan #i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch #shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else #even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress #but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside #academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project #i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send #myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it #but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or #maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something #just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there #it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so #tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing #ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position #and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle #sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux #i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices #even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany. #and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it #unrelated

[moonlit-orchid]

When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out

#vent #its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything #i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant. #im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something- #-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again. #plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal) #and just #im fucking tired ok #and I'm sorry im a bad friend #i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some. #but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired #i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn? #and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON. #I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it #but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit #and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them #and they can lash out on me #i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not #last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend #it wasnt my fault #that friend ghosted me #im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too #but at the same time im too done to even really care #i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day

[the-kipsabian]

so i cant tell if my phone is fucked or if my cords are fucked but something isnt working. it started last night/this morning when my phone ran out of battery and when i tried to recharge it, its starting to claim that theres something stuck in either the charger port or in the cord and i cant see anything or get anything out and i am just so fucking done right now

slept overnight about it (took a gamble cause i had no idea when i'd be up without an alarm or a clock to check regularly ough), still doesnt fucking work. if its the phone and not the cord (i dont have a double to check. fucking yay) i cant afford to get it fixed, let alone replaced. ive had this thing for barely a year. i havent even paid it in full yet

and then i wake up to both my email and my tumblr inbox flooded with spam and i honestly should just go the fuck back to bed i dont see this day improving at all

#i think it should be obvious that i really do need my phone but that makes it sound weird #but in todays society thats like. yeah #any potential work offers (LMAO as if i would get those in the first place) would come through there #any other important stuff comes through calls first. texts second. emails third as a last resort if at all #im just. fucking done. im gonna get coffee and hope it magically starts working but anything ive tried has not so far and everything sucks #i have such a huge fucking anxiety about this cause i was told im getting a call related to some stuff this week and if i cant answer it? #they will mark me unreachable and cut my benefits sssoooooo #i really just wanna cry. everything fucking sucks. i dont know what fucking god i pissed off recently but please make it stop #yesterday was already rough as shit can we stop this shit please #just end me. please. im so fucking tired already #night is an absolute mess on main

[ragingtwilight]

WHY AM I SO EEPY!!!!! WHY NOW!!! I HAVE ATTACKS TO MAKE!!!! REVENGES NEED TO BE DONE!!!! THIS IS CATASTROPHIC!!!!!!!

#BRUH!!!!!!!! #when im tired like this i am not in the mood to do ANYTHING and im a lot more sluggish #sometimes i dont even realize im tired until hours later 💀 #that kind of happened today and ive been so unproductive!!!!! #HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET 8 ATTACKS DONE IN LESS THAN 2 DAYS #BLEASE its the bare minimum i wanna finish with i gotta draw these characters for af i cant wait a whole year 😭 #gonna try having a nap and when i wake up im going INSANE #ill probably pull an all nighter #stay up until artfight is just about to end #then i gotta conk bc i have an appt the next day LMAO #arragharraiuhrhgeha #grrr

[aroaceofthesea]

Learning how to code apps bc i want to play a very specific game of cards with my friends and there isnt anything online thats good enough to play

#great way to spend the last summer days i think #the thing is were from different parts of spain so we gotta meet online and play online games #and one of our favorite games is mao (a game of cards where you cant talk about the rules) #and that little detail makes it very hard to find smth to play it online since everyones rules change a bit (or a lot) #so we tried to find smth that basically let you take cards and play cards we dont rlly ask for much #but we didnt rlly find anything (im still shocked that no one has done that? at least we couldnt find it in like 10 mins until we got tired) #so now i wanna create a very basic app to play mao bc im still mad that it doesnt exist and i dont rlly have anything better to do anyways #''it cant be that hard'' <- says the devil inside me knowing perfectly well its gonna be super hard #but whatever #mine #life

[poems-of-a-lover]

im so jealous of cis guys. being able to grow up how they want and being confident in themselves and just. im so fuckin jealous. it is so hard. SO hard. to feel comfortable with someone else in a relationship when im not comfortable with myself. i hate it.

#i know this is stupid #im supposed to be proud of being trans and love myself no matter what and be proud of my identity but #fuck man sometimes id just give anything to be cis #like this shit sucks #i dont wanna fuckin do this anymore im tired of it #'nick ur only 18' YEAH I KNOW AND ITS STILL BAD #god im pissed off #i just. i hate that i cant be proud of who i am bc im not someone else. #im losing my mind i think #i wish i was cis so fuckin bad u guys. i wanna have the experiences of growing up as a boy that i missed out on. #i wish i couldve went to school dances in a suit and not had to worry about being stared at #i wish i could dress how i wanted and present myself how i feel comfortable without hearing those goddamn whispers behind my back #im sick and fuckin tired of it #anyway <3 im done <3 im gonna go watch youtube and pretend like i dont exist <3 #vent #dysphoria mention

[archirdarchernar]

.

#vent #it feels awful #not knowing what the fuck to do #i WANT like a fucking gluttonous beast #i wanna be good at everything #i wanna be good at art and singing and worldbuilding and writing and editing and animating and academics #and i never feel satisfied #and no ones forcing me to do any of this #i just fucking want to for some reason and its destroying me #i just end up being not good at anything. im shit at studying and sleeping and keeping to deadlines #i want there to be enough time for me to explore everything #for me to learn everything at my own pace and perfect my skills #but it just feels like i have no time for myself anymore #everything i have i must dedicate to studying for a levels and its so tiring. i wanna draw and be creative too but theres so much course #content that its killing me. i want my free time back #and im forever thankful to my parents for moving with me all the way to the uk so i can learn about things that actually interest me but #even that doesnt really mean anything anymore thanks to the standardization of education and especially exams and exam boards #so my parents spent all that effort and money for nothing and i really just want to break down and cry and say sorry #but that would just hurt them even more and even i dont have the heart to do that so im stuck with this and im so goddamn tired #and of course by spreading my attention and efforts so thin everything i do is lackluster so of course my grades are shit #and i get sick often so my attendence record is also shit #it just feels like im a burden for existing like a malignant tumour #and i have to relearn how to cry. imagine that. a grown adult not knowing how to cry #i never knew there was supposed to be emotional relief when crying sometimes because whenever i cry when im overwhelmed...or anytime really #i get told to stop immediately so i got trained to hold everything in.and i get that its easy for the adults to deal with a not-crying child #but i kinda feel cheated #i want that emotional catharsis that comes with crying your feelings out and i have to teach myself how to do it #how pathetic is that #had to get this out there its just too much for me #arc 3am logs

[be-good-to-bugs]

i dont understand how everyone else seems to just meet people so easily and become friends

#the bin #how do you even become friends with someone? how do you meet someone and have that turn into a friendship? #im so tured of being all alone. i had a person who always made me uncomfortable but it was still social interaction and now thats goen too #and like. i am glad becausebi absolutely hate her but. god. im so tired of being alone. not speaking to anyone at all #if im not working then i dont speak to anyone unless i have a very specific reason to call my mom. #i hope after i move i can figure smth out. i wanna be able to do things with another person. do fun stuff. any stuff. #i miss all the problems i used to have with friends. i wish so bad i could go back to worrying all my friends secretly hate me #that was so much better than not having friends at all. i dont struggle too much with feeling like everyone hates me because there is #nobody there to hate me. #i get sad just thinking about doing anything with another person. like. literally anything. i hate being alone. i hate not talking to anyone #i hate being alive like this. it feels so bad.

[luigis-mogai-mansion]

Im so fucking tired of allistic people man...

They always present like 2 choices for you and go on for days about how they understand either choice, they won't judge you no matter what you pick and how they'll be fine regardless then act all disappointed and whiney when you make that choice and they didn't get the answer they wanted.

I'm sorry, how was I supposed to know that was the wrong choice™️. If you wanted me to do something why didn't you say it. I don't care about all your little social shit, be honest with me. I didn't choose based on your wants when I don't know what you want. I made the "selfish" choice despite everyone around me saying they supported my decision and totally understood. Then I'm the bad guy. For making a choice. That I was assured over and over again that I wasn't going to be judged for.... I'm so tired of this... I'm so tired of allistic people setting these fucking landmines for me. Like they enjoy my suffering. I always get fucking burned in these situations. I can either just do what I think they want with varying response or I can be honest and unmask and do what I think is best for me then they all collectively sigh and look away like Im the disappointment...

If it's not truly safe, don't fucking tell me I'm safe. If I truely won't be judged, don't judge me. If I can't safely unmask, don't tell me to be myself and make my own choices. Even allistic people who had no fucking skin in this game judged me. I chose the option that was best for me and now I'm the villain. Again. Fuck allistic people man, fuck those wishy-washy judgey ass people.

#clover speaks #clover vents #its ok they said just do whats best for you they said #and my dumbass was just like yeah sure 😚 and now im looked at like a monster for taking a choice they gave me #and encouraged me to take! ill support you no matter what my ass #it makes me feel so fucking unsafe in my chocies like a fucking saw trap #its always multiple choice questions and nothinge ever seems like the right choice #they are always wrong and everyone always despises me abit afterwards #even when i know i didnt do anything wrong i didnt hurt anyone and i made a chocie for me #its all supports and i love yous and its oks up until the tism comes back out and i get the cold shoulder #i get the look aways and the silence #they know they are hurting me and they dont care about the betrayal i feel over being basically lied to #i know its your choice but i felt like- ok then why didnt you say anything BEFORE I MADE THE CHOICE #FUCK ALLISTIC PEOPLE IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THEIR QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS GAMES THAT MAKE ME LOOK HORRIBLE FOR NO REASON #IM SORRY I DIDNT READ YOUR EXPRESSION ITS ALMOST LIKE I HAVE A MODERATE MENTAL DISABILITY THAT PREVENTS ME FROM RWADING EXPRESSIONS #i just wanna say or do something right and they always judge me no matter what #im never safe around these people because everything is always watched and judged according to their morals and what they would choose #as if their morals are superior to mine because they are fine with throwing themselves at trains over nothing and im kot #fuck allistic people man #im so stupid for believing them and thinking this time ill be safe... #im never safe i will never be safe #im always so scared of looking like a stone faced unfeeling monster who dosent love anyone or anything and they always make me into it #no matter what i do or how much i try to express it #i feel things i love people im not a robot #this hurts so much... #sorry for the total lack of context but you dont need any #i dont want or need any more allistic judgement

[widevibratobitch]

.

#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa #something is Wrong lol #i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡 #and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches #all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now #but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit #and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on #to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back #like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend #i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect #i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back #but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms #or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations #or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings #or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af #because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff #im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility #i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn #but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself #and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc #i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself #and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it #i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do #i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it #and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person #<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation #of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡 #like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT

[mellomadness]

sometimes I wonder if I should take a gender studies class just so I can bitch every day about how an imaginary boyfriend is often seen as a requirement for a woman to feel safe enough to have fun at a club, or the idea that an imaginary person with a fake “claim” over me has more influence over predatory men than my own voice saying “No, I’m not interested, get lost”

#venting #hnnnnng the double standard is really really making my teeth hurt recently #(in that I’m grinding my jaw at the mere thought of this particular breed of injustice) #I honestly miss going out with my friends. I miss going to bars and clubs and enjoying the night #but I wanna go with my friends and leave my boyfriend at home for once #he gets to go out and enjoy himself all the time with his friends and they never even have to deal with unwanted flirtation #meanwhile I go out in a tshirt and jeans and get fucking catcalled or flirted with just fucking getting groceries #and it’s not a narrative on beauty or anything. it’s about men’s perception of women #specifically predatory men and men who don’t realize they’re BEING predatory #perhaps it’s because I’ve been going to this fucking gamer school for far too long #and I’ve interacted with so many socially inept/incel men from there #who don’t know what no means or dont take women seriously when they do say no #or they literally cannot read between the lines of a woman politely declining their advances #‘but she was being so nice to me’ yeah bc if she wasn’t you’d either call her a bitch or try to force her anyway #anyway. I’m angry #im tired of living in fear of morons #I’m tired of not being able to go out on a Tuesday night and just walk the town with my friends #specifically my femme friends #we should be at the club!! instead we’re trying to make sure the group is like a school of fish so we’re less of a target #and like. I could talk about this on twt or reddit but. cmon. let’s be real here #MelloMoans #really does feel like we’re going backwards when it comes to gender equality and feminism #especially with the influx of the whole sigma male/high value male bullshit #I understand how it came to be I really do but that plus the whole pick me girl thing is just another toxic view of gender identity #and all it has resulted in on both sides is a wider degree of separation between the genders #therefore allowing both extremes to dehumanize every one that doesn’t identify as sigma male or not like other girls YET AGAIN #(and therefore also opens up the door for dehumanizing lgbtq+ folks but. let’s be real. that hasn’t really gone away yet :/

[kindheartedgummybears]

if I see one more person on TikTok compare the T's I'm going to purposefully put a doll next to their stove.

#im tired of seeing all this “Tanya and Tabitha >>>> Taylor” #“i loved tanya but she bacame an annoying teenager(??????)” #“Taylor is so annoying and bitchy blahblahblah Tanya was so much better than her she should of lived” #SHUT UP #LITERALLY #TAYLOR I S TANYA #TANYA IS TAYLOR #TANYA WAS WHINY AND BITCHY #TABITHA WAS WHINY AND PROBABLY BITCHY #FUCK IT #TILLY WAS PROBABLY AN ANNOYING WHINY BITCH TOO!!!! #i dont see anything about her tho(probably because shes not even a character :')) #SHUSH. #THEY. ARE. THE. SAME. #DO NOT COMPARE THEM!!!!!! #THEY ARE ALL WHINY ANNOYING BITCHES!!!! #BUT YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT #THEY'RE M Y WHINY ANNOYING BITCHES!!!! #literally the only tabitha edit i could find was 1: not even a dedicated edit and 2: TAYLOR SLANDER😭😭😭😭😭 #LIKE YES ILL ADMIT I PLAY FAVORITES #BUT WHEN SOMEONE LIKES TANYA/TABITHA THAN PROCEEDS TO DESPISE TAYLOR ITS JUST LIKE????? ?? ? ? ? ???? ?? ? ?? ? ? ? ? #BITCH SHE I S TANYA😭😭😭😭 #Little Hope #Taylor Little Hope #Tanya Clarke #Tabitha Milton #Tilly Johnson #i will never EVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR be normal about the T's