#but i lost it during quarantine and it's still not back bc i guess nothing past my wrist gets sunlight!!!

[rubberbandballqueen]

i'm getting a tan on my hands bc i never go out w/o a jacket and it's like. "did i have a tan like this in high school?" (was the public school kid who wore a winter jacket year-round) and "should i just start wearing gloves all the time too?" (thinks the tan looks silly bc it literally stops at my wrists)

#the thing is i remember having a WATCH TAN for YEARS and YEARS bc i've worn a watch since i was SEVEN #but i lost it during quarantine and it's still not back bc i guess nothing past my wrist gets sunlight!!! #my current hypothesis is that the wrist tan or w/e has been the result of biking to work n stuff #bc my FACE is still not tanned from what i can tell (probably bc of helmet visor) n i'm usually in long pants so it's like #the back of my hands are literally like the only surface getting that vitamin d from the sun bc if i don't wear a jacket i cease to functio #and it's also like. i usually don't care abt my appearance all that much. SO WHY AM I SO BOTHERED BY THIS............ #LITERALLY IT'S NORMAL TO GET TAN WHEN YOU GO OUTSIDE......... THIS IS GOOD IT MEANS I GET FRESH AIR N TOUCH GRASS........ #the worm speaks

[madisonrooney]

oh shit its been like. a week and a half and i havent told yall my dove story maybe i should do that

so i went to the cameron boyce foundation gala again. thats where i saw her last summer too, not sure if i ever mentioned that then lol. knew she would be there but only wanted to talk to her if it felt right given the circumstances. following my much more talkative friends lead who knew a lot of the people there to some degree (not unlike my fan relationship with many of them but a bit closer than i am to some), we talked to a number of people so im like ok if were talking to everyone else we gotta talk to her.

almost thought we lost her as things wound down but we spotted her and walked over and my heart rate continued to increase every step i got closer to her.

didnt really know what to say but i wanted to re-establish who i was, given how much time has gone by since we used to regularly interact plus i was wearing a mask, so i just said what ive said before in similar situations which was “its been a long time!” and she said “yah i havent seen you in a while!” and im like oh god she does remember me oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god

we take a pic together and then i finally give her my short little speech that basically sums up my last 3 years worth of thoughts and worries. some off yall may remember me posting during quarantine how terrified i was that our relationship would basically die since we couldnt interact in person and im too anxious to be on stan twitter or anything like that. so i said “i know we havent interacted much over the past few years bc of that little pandemic lol but i hope you know im still supporting you in everything you do” and she like.....put her hand on my arm and thanked me hhhhhhh

then i added “obvs ive been supporting you from the beginning but even moreso as youve been an advocate for the queer community of which im also a part” and she thanked me again. THEN I SAID HAPPY PRIDE MONTH AND SHE SAID IT BACK LIKE. OKAY. (my coworker said those were basically our wedding vows and i have to agree)

she apologized that she was having a bit of a nervous breakdown, i guess in regard to her short responses (which i really thought nothing of). like first of all so was i and second of all ofc i dont blame her given the circumstances

at some point she said “thank you for supporting cameron” which just. warmed my heart so so much.

gave her a quick hug and as she walked away i said “we love you!” and she said “i love you guys!” and blew us kisses. whew.

so. yah. i basically got to tell her what id been harboring inside me for like 3 years and got three PLUS years of weight off of my shoulders. its kinda hard to believe but i really healed so much in that moment and im just. so so grateful.

to still be able to have these interactions with her, even if not as long and not as often as they were years ago, now that shes blown up so much is not something i take for granted in the least. i really needed this and im so so glad i got it.

one of the first things that popped in my head afterwards (besides the intense desire to cry which i had to fight due to still being in public) was “man. i would do anything for her.” so i guess let that be your take away

[unbridgeabledistances]

Prompt: About the 87% scene. Could you write about Mickey lying about having a "boyfriend" when he was in Mexico. And telling Ian that afterall he didn't have his whole Heart because of that "boyfriend". Ian realizing that the way he said those things weren'te the best. Then the confrontation, they talk about it and are cute with one another

anon i am CRYING mickey would 1000% do this!!! why did the writers not make this happen

(actually i’m glad they didn’t, bc these boys don’t need any more drama)

here’s my take (since we all need a little gallavich before the next episode!), hope u enjoy<3

--

“I guess everyone I’ve been with gets a little piece of my heart”

Mickey froze where he was standing, by the toilet bowl and the dust-covered bathroom shelves, and felt his heart sink. The fuck is he talking about?

“Wait, everyone?”

“Yeah. Yup.” Ian froze for a moment, his toothbrush hanging out of the corner of his mouth. “Okay, maybe not everybody. You don’t feel the same way?”

Mickey could almost wince. Fucking Gallagher—didn’t Ian know he was the only guy Mickey had really been with, because Ian was the only one that mattered? Instantly, Mickey thought back to all of the sloppy and excruciatingly boring hookups he’d had with women—back before he came out and was constantly putting on a show, was burying who he really was deep beneath the ground.

Ian looked at him earnestly, toothbrush still half in his mouth, with those steady green eyes Mickey could always get lost in—the only thing keeping Mickey afloat during those darker days, when he felt like everything else was pulling him under. Ian was the only person who had ever made Mickey’s heart race or his palms sweaty, the only fucking person who made Mickey feel like he was here for a reason, no matter what bullshit life threw at him. Ian was the center of Mickey’s existence, and he always had been—how could that asshole not realize that no one else Mickey’d been with could ever compare to him?

“No, I don’t. Y’know what, fuck you” is what Micket wanted to say—he felt the words about to launch off the tip of his tongue. Instead, before he knew what he was doing, Mickey lied.

“Uhhhhh. I guess, man. Y’know, I had that thing down in Mexico with, uh, Julio.” Mickey looked down at his bare feet on the tiled bathroom floor, knowing that Ian would see right through him if he looked directly in his eyes.

Ian’s eyebrows raised in genuine confusion as he leaned over the sink. “Julio? Who the fuck is Julio?” Ian sputtered as he spit out a mouthful of foamy toothpaste.

“Were you not listening, smartass? He was my… my lover. I was in Mexico a long time before I snitched on the cartel and threw my life away for your ass.”

Ian stood up and placed his toothbrush in a cup on the shelf above the sink, turning to look at Mickey, who finally raised his gaze from the linoleum. Ian didn’t look hurt, which was what Mickey was aiming for— more than anything, Ian just looked thoroughly confused, and maybe a little bit amused.

“You’ve never mentioned anything about some dude named Julio, Mick. Where’d you meet him?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know, Gallagher.”

Mickey stormed out of the bathroom, and turned the corner into their bedroom. It was this fucking quarantine, that was the problem—the same way that they were down each other’s throats when they were cramped together in a tiny jail cell. They were so used to the lack of each other that being together always seemed to make a mess of things. Ian didn’t actually mean that he had been in love with other people— right?

People annoyed Mickey, mostly— sex was sex, just another bland part of his bland life of doing runs for his dad, living in his fucked-up household, getting drunk with his brothers. And then one day, Ian came bursting through his door. Mickey would never forget that first time that he and Ian were together— in his opinion, that day probably permanently altered his brain chemistry or some shit. The day that he was laying in bed, woken up by a pale-faced angel whose chest was just as smooth and beautifully pale and freckled as the skin on his face and hands. And Mickey was also covered with skin, that was apparently covered with super-powered nerve endings that hadn’t done a goddamn thing his whole life, but came alive like ice and fire and bee stings as soon as Ian touched him. Wherever Ian touched him.

Sex was just sex to Mickey, for so long—but sex with Ian was on an entirely different plane of existence.

And the thought of Ian being like that with someone else, especially during that time when Mickey was locked up and there was a wall of plexiglass between them, a wall Mickey had put there himself when all he was doing was trying to protect Ian from Sammi’s bullshit; well, it made Mickey’s stomach churn.

Ian followed Mickey out of the bathroom and leaned on the doorframe of their bedroom, like he knew Mickey needed some space. “You and this Julio guy, you were like, together?”

Mickey kept his gaze downward as he put on a wrinkled shirt. “Hell yeah, man. We lived in a shack by the beach, fucked all day long. You don’t know everything about me, Gallagher.”

“I guess not.” Ian mused, still looking like he half didn’t believe Mickey. “So, uh. This Julio guy. You’re saying he has a piece of your heart?”

“Oh yeah, a big ol’ chunk of it. You aren’t special, Gallagher. In fact, he might have a bigger piece than you do, with all the fucking bickering we’ve been doing lately,” Mickey spat out as he pulled on his shoes.

Ian rolled his eyes, but sensing Mickey’s tension, he kept talking. “Mick, you know I didn’t mean it. You have the majority of my heart. The vast majority.”

Mickey scoffed, feeling more pissed off than ever. “Oh, yeah? How much is that, exactly?”

“I don’t know… 87%?”

Mickey looked at Ian, charging up for a fight. “Fuck you. That’s not enough.”

“It is enough, Mick. I’ve been with so many people I can barely remember their names. You know what it was like at the club. That’s 87% for you, and 13% for every other meaningful connection I’ve ever had in the years we were apart—that seems pretty stacked to me.”

“Yeah, well, joke’s on you, motherfucker, because you don’t even have that much of my heart, anyways. In fact, maybe I’ll go back down to fucking Mexico and see if Julio’s still around.”

Ian rolled his eyes. “Mick, calm down. You don’t mean that.”

“I do, asshole. Excuse me for thinking I had your whole heart, instead of pissing away 13% of it while I was locked behind bars and tattooing your fucking name onto my chest.” Mickey turned to where Ian was blocking the doorway. “You gonna let me through?”

Ian sighed, gently putting a hand up to Mickey’s chest to stop him from barreling past into the hallway. “Okay, listen, all that shit came out wrong. You know you’re the only one that matters.”

Mickey looked at Ian’s hand on his chest, then looked up and to meet Ian’s gaze. “Do I?” he said, in a softer voice than he realized.

Ian smirked, and let his arms glide up Mickey’s chest and around his shoulders, locking him in close. “Hey. Of course you are. You’re the only one I ever wanted to be with forever.”

“Fuck you,” Mickey said earnestly, but he didn’t try to shake himself from Ian’s grasp.

Ian let his hands roam up to cradle the back of Mickey’s head in his hands, making sure he had Mickey’s undivided attention. “Listen. All those people, like Ned or Kash or whoever, they were all an important part of me becoming who I am, and nothing can change that. But they’re all a part of our love story, Mick. They’re all… minor characters, on the path of me getting to marry you.”

Now Mickey was the one rolling his eyes, his tough exterior finally starting to melt. “Yeah, okay softie.” His eyes flickered downward, in one last moment of vulnerability. “It’s just… it’s hard to forget all the stuff I missed out on, all the time we both coulda had. Time where you were with other people and not me.”

Ian pecked Mickey’s forehead, holding him in close. “Yeah, well, we have plenty of time now. Almost too much time. So much time that we’re ripping each other’s heads off.”

Mickey leaned back, and smirked. “Well, I’ve got a pretty good idea of what we can do with all that time on our hands, Mr. Milkovich.”

Ian leaned in closer, Mickey’s face millimeters from his. “Oh yeah?”

As Mickey leaned in to close the gap between their lips, he felt the nerve endings all over his body going fucking crazy again—maybe it had been a bumpy path for them both, and maybe he’d lost some of Ian along the way, but he couldn’t deny that this was worth the wait.

#ty for the prompt!<3 #gallavich #gallavich fic #shameless #ian x mickey #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich

[dawniebb]

Face reveal bc yes

So, guys...especially from the Renegades fandom bc i’m the most active there: you saw the title lmao. This will...barely get notes (i wonder if it’ll get notes at all) buuUUUT YEAH LET’S GOOOO (If you’re gonna reblog pls be respectful bc i have issues and btw reblog ONLY if we are mutuals)

THIS IS ME! <3 HELLOOOO!!!

Now, if you want to stop here, do it. If you don’t...well

I’m going to tell you a story about myself and why I decided to post this.

First of all, I’m not celebrating anything. I’m just celebrating me, I guess (?) and in fact I’ve been wanting to do this since my parents got me a She-Ra cake for my 20th birthday back in May, because I loved that thing and felt the physical need to shove that thing into everyone’s faces But I didn’t because I didn’t feel ready enough...then that thought left my mind, and it came back like two weeks ago.

I’ve had mental issues since I was in like...elementary school. I’m sure I had felt depressed before I turned 12; however, the first memory I hold of feeling so, it’s when I was already 12. Because it was then when I realized that I wasn’t just a dumb kid who didn’t know how to make friends xd To this day, I genuinely feel like I was suffering from isolation bullying; you know xd my classmates purposely excluded me from activities, they would find any excuse for not letting me join their work teams and stuff like that; during my last year at elementary school, I only had like one friend, and that one friend and I shared a sort of abusive/toxic relationship, as in: manipulation, “we’re best friends. you should only talk to ME”, and then this friend turned her back at me too, because she decided to join the rest of the group and ignore me.

lol.

And I remember wondering what was I doing wrong. Like, why didn’t people like me; why didn’t they want to hang out with me; why did everyone seem to have friends except me. And then I got trapped into a very...dark place, and I remember being overthinking one day, because I tend to overthink a lot...and I remembered this specific kid who was in the same class as me.

I was in the line for the teacher to check my homework, and this kid, a boy, was behind me.

You see. I’ve always been chubby xd I don’t think I’ve ever been skinny since I was 2 years old or so, because by the time I was in kindergarten my classmates’ moms were already calling me a ‘little meatball’ thinking it was a fucking adorable nickname because Mexican moms can be pretty shitty sometimes don’t let the media stereotypes fool you not all of them are all cheerful and upbeat and when I was in elementary school, for some reason, besides being chubby, I had a really bad posture. And this boy who was behind me started imitating my way of walking and his friends were laughing, so I turned around and asked him wtf his problem was xd and he turned around to his friends and asked “Do you see how hunchback she is?” like I wasn’t even there xd and I genuinely tried to slap him but I couldn’t, and he said “Yo, stop moving because you’re going to cause an earthquake”

And my mom has always felt personally attacked for the fact I’m...u know, fat. She has always been very insistent on the fact I need to lose weight and stuff like that. And her, mixed with my experiences at school, made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

But my mind started saying things like “And u know why you aren’t enough? Because you’re fat”

Because, like, the day of the hunchback insult, when I told the teacher, who was a very shitty teacher btw but i’m not talking about her again today (i’ve already talked about her in MANY of my university papers, because I’m studying to be an English teacher), she turned around at him and said “Don’t listen to HER” and to this day I still don’t know why xd

But it made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Because I was fat.

Lol x2.

To this day, I still don’t know if I have an ED. Like, I genuinely don’t know. But I can safely say that, if I have one, it’s more likely BED... because, through the years, I managed to lose weight when I turned like 15 and I had my quinceañera party, but then first year of high school came and I had a relapse into depression...like, this might come off as a very unpopular opinion, but junior high school was dope for me x’d I remember it as one of the best years in my life, right after my second and third year in high school (high school in Mexico lasts only three years) and so...when I started my first year in high school and got fucking depressed again, I gained ALL that weight back, and even doubled it. During my second year of high school, I met my friends. The friends I still keep with me to this day. And they accepted me like the fucking train wreck I was, failing math like three times in a row and crying about it every single one of those times  because I’m pretty sure I have dyscalculia but my parents won’t listen to me they think i’m just lazy when it comes to math even though they know i cant even read a fucking clock . And them, along with my another very close friend who I met via fanfction when I was 12, helped me go through it. Like, I did have some issues with my body during high school, but not as much as you would expect. They were getting pretty bad in my first and second semester, but during the other four my friends managed to stop me from losing my mind, even when it all went to shit in my third year again for different reasons.

Then I graduated from high school, and I made friends there too. Although my best friends are still my friend from fanfiction, my friends from high school and just one of my university friends. And you know...I was left...pretty scarred from the shit that happened during third year of high school, and even if I didn’t feel like I was *that* depressed, I did gain a lot of weight.

Like, the highest I’ve ever been. Then my dad got sick during October from last year, then my two doggies were murdered god i fucking hate my neighbors the same day my dad was released from the hospital and my mom went kinda nuts during December and I wanted to just...yeah.

So I did a lot of emotional eating. Like, y’all don’t understand.

It was like...I would go to uni and eat a brownie. Then chocolates on my way home. THEN a “a snack” like...fucking rice krispies. Then a huge ass meal, with soda bc why not. Then I would have either cookies or hot cheetos as a treat after my huge ass meal,

I’m a short person xd carrying that much weight was making my ribs and back hurt, as well as my legs and feet; my breathing was freaking awful, and there were some days were I got SO paranoid I just said things like “i’m gonna die today” or “out here trying to get diabetes like the rest of your family, aren’t you??” :’) but i didn’t tell anybody. My parents are not really an option in this case, BUT I didn’t tell my friends, because then I would have to explain that I ate a lot and that was something I was EXTREMELY ashamed of.

When February came, I was scared of going out, because I knew I would have to choose what clothes to wear and nothing fit me anymore and, the things that did, looked super stretched on me and, u know, I was sore. My health was getting bad. But I didn’t like to feel that way.

AND I MUST CLARIFY HERE. I’M WORKING ON THAT. I’M ACTUALLY A BODY POSITIVY DEFENDER, I JUST DIDN’T LIKE HOW *I* LOOKED AND, BESIDES, I WAS GETTING SICK. I GENUINELY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT. I’M NOT SAYING BEING FAT OR CHUBBY IS DISGUSTING. NO. I BELIEVE ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL. AND IF I’M WRITING THIS IS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW RECOVERY IS DISGUSTING AND DIFFICULT SOMETIMES AND THAT IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT: I’M SORRY. NOBODY SHOULD EVER FEEL LIKE THAT. I SUPPORT YOU. AND I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER. AND NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE TO CHANGE ONLY IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE. BECAUSE IT’S YOUR BODY. KEEP HOLDING ON.

But going back to the story...

My friends used to tell me I looked pretty all the time, which I appreciate a lot to this day. But my parents were like

Me: I’m fat and I look deformed.

Them: I agree.

Because yeah.

Just before the pandemic madness happened, I went on a school trip with my uni friends and one of them triggered my isolation trauma in the worst way possible...and that, somehow, ruined ALL the photos I took throughout the trip. Because I wasn’t enough. Because I was deformed and fat and I looked like an apple. Because nobody wanted to be seen near me. And my personality was shitty.

Like, I should’ve known I was worth it. I’m still worth it and I know that. But I wasn’t less worth it when I was chubbier. And maybe I didn’t look as bad as my head made me believe. But at the time my mental health was extremely awful.

Now, covid happened.

Not gonna lie. Quarantine fucked me up as much as it fucked everyone else, but for me...by not going out, I stopped being near trigger foods, and I was even able to consult a dietitian.

I’ve lost 15 kg since March. And I’ve managed to love my past self, but I love this one because changing it was my decision. Sure, my parents didn’t help a lot, but in the end it was MY decision. I’ve come to accept I was worth it even when I felt disgusted by myself, and all of those awful things people said or did to me, like my friend during that trip...

I didn’t deserve any of those things. Because NO ONE deserves to be treated that way.  No one deserves somebody else making fun of them. No one deserves somebody else doing awful things to them that they know damn well that they trigger their childhood trauma. No one deserves to be judged for the way they look.

I was in a very dark place, and sometimes I’m still inside there. And like...during all those times, I kept posting in here.

I remember being next to my dad in the hospital, telling him “Guess what? Supernova drops this week” or “We’re going to watch TDP together, right?” or “Let me talk to you about She-Ra...” ....those were things that like...saved my life for a while, though mostly Supernova. Because, actually, Marissa Meyer has helped me in my fucking darkest years x’d from my third year of high school until now.

Her books didn’t take my depression away, but they did make things a little lighter for me, even when I felt like dying.

And I know this fandom is like..full of minors, so...I don’t know if any of you need to hear this: But you’re worth it.

If you want to change anything in your body, do it because YOU want to.

Because YOU’LL like you better.

Because it’s YOUR body, and it’s the only part of yourself that you and other people can touch.

Nobody should ever tell you you’re worthless because of your weight and your physical appearance. And if they ever do, then they’re the ones who should apologize, not you.

Nobody has the right to mistreat you, abuse you, or use your own body against you.

As for me...my ribs don’t hurt anymore. Nor does my back or my feet, and my breathing is getting better; I took the conscious decision to lose weight but, like I said, now that I’m not in such a dark place, I’m staring to realize that the past me wasn’t as hideous as my mind was making me believe. She was okay; she was broken inside, but she didn’t deserve anything that happened to her, nor did she deserved to treat herself that badly.

I posted my photo just to celebrate that I can finally said I’m not disgusted anymore. I can finally see myself in pictures again. And see my own reflection. Or go through my closet. Or do my makeup, because I LOVE doing my makeup and I was even ashamed of that. I’m not fully okay yet, but I’m healing.

So, if there’s any little Dawnie around here: I hope you give yourself a chance and realize you’re beautiful.

I hope that, if you change, it’s because you wanted to do it.

I hope you know that it’ll get better even if the healing process it’s not that easy.

I hope you know there’s people who love you.

I hope you know that you are beautiful. You were always beautiful and, no matter what path you choose, you’ll always be beautiful.

And worth it.

And human.

And important.

Take care of yourself, because you’re wonderful, no matter your size <3

#personal #VERY PERSONAL LMAO DAWN WHAT HAPPENED THERE U OK? #tw: eating disorders mention #TRIGGER WARNING EATING DISORDER MENTIONS #tw: depression #TRIGGER WARNING DEPRESSION #face reveal #and im gonna tag this bc yes #renegades trilogy #marissa meyer #renegades #archenemies #supernova #also TW: BULLYING

[xmxisxforxmaybe]

How about fun sex tropes number 3 w sledgefu? 😊

3. sex on a countertop/tabletop/sink because we couldn’t wait to get somewhere with cushions

I wanted to do something with the quarantine, so this is a modern-ish AU. Also, hopefully you like my chosen hard surface! I love Sledgefu but do find it difficult bc the Sledgefu writers in this fandom are … pretty much actual gods.

I loved writing this though, so thanks for the request 😊

* * * * *

Gene was done.

Completely over it.

His classes had been cancelled for the remainder of the semester, and he was suddenly filled with a sense of purposelessness.

“Gene. If ya don’t find somethin’ to do, I’m gonna have to find somethin’ for ya.”

Normally, Snafu’s words would have been suggestive, dirty actually, except that he really was tired of Eugene acting like a Victorian dandy in distress.

He would sit down to read, then stand up with a dramatic sigh as he tossed his book back on the couch. He’d putz around the apartment, opening doors then closing them, like he was looking for something. He’d clean the bathroom, then the bedroom, grumbling all the while about Snafu’s dirty laundry being everywhere but in the hamper, and in Snafu’s defense, it was usually only an errant sock or maybe the shirt that he had just taken off for the day.

Sometimes, Gene would head into the kitchen and start cooking something, only to have some minor step in the recipe go wrong and the entire dish would be tossed in the trash.

That didn’t just annoy Snafu; he hated it. Food was not ever something to be wasted.

So, when Gene started pulling ingredients out of the cupboard, it was Snaf who snapped his book shut with a sigh.

“Stop, Gene,” he commanded while walking into the kitchen.

“You tooold me to find something to do,” Gene whined.

“Not waste food.”

“Fine,” Eugene snapped and began putting the strewn ingredients back into the fridge and the cupboard.

“Put ya overshirt on.”

“Why?” he said, crossing his arms and pouting in a way that made Snafu want to slap him or kiss him—when Gene was difficult like this, he wasn’t sure which option would actually make him feel the best once it was done considering he’d only ever tried the kissing.

Snafu ran a hand through his curls, which were bordering on wild thanks to the quarantine. Eugene had offered to give him a trim, but he had only eyed his boyfriend warily, thanking him, but deciding to wait for the barber to open.

Gene’s hair was longer than usual, too, but it suited him. Snaf loved to run his hands through it, pushing it back from his forehead and just feeling the way the silky, auburn strands fell from his fingertips as he pulled Eugene’s hair up and away from his face.

“Because I asked ya to.”

Gene huffed but made his way to the bedroom. Snafu grabbed a light jacket from one of the hooks near the front door and checked the pocket for the keys to his truck. Reaching back to make sure he had his wallet, he slipped into his shoes and waited for Eugene to emerge.

“Where we goin?”

“I’ll tell ya when we get there.”

Eugene frowned, but Snafu saw something come alive in his eyes, something he hadn’t seen since the first few weeks of the quarantine when Eugene realized that he was locked inside with his boyfriend without anything to do for days and days except make love.

It was wonderful, a damn near divine experience for them both until the days droned on into weeks, then months, and they both began to realize that something like this was going to alter life as they had known it forever.

Gene followed Snafu out of the apartment, doubling back to make sure the door was definitely locked.

They drove in a comfortable silence for the first hour, the radio quietly singing but not much louder than the sound of Snaf’s truck rumbling down the highway.

During the second hour, Gene started getting antsy: shuffling in his seat, resetting his seatbelt only to adjust it again in a few more minutes, opening the glovebox for no reason and shuffling through whatever Snafu had crammed in there.

Maybe this is worse than wastin’ food, Snafu thought as he watched Gene in his peripheral.  

When Eugene adjusted his seatbelt for the third time in a row, Snaf turned his head to look over at him and ended up smiling at the way his hair caught the last rays of the dying sunlight, looking golden at the edges, like a halo on a deeply ripened strawberry.

“Talk to me, Gene. Ain’t dat wha’ we do?” Snafu asked before reluctantly turning his eyes back to the road.

Gene said nothing for several minutes, and Snaf didn’t push; he knew how this worked, how stubborn Eugene Sledge could be.

After two more sighs and another snap of his seatbelt, Gene started talking.

He fumbled through his words at first, restarting his sentences and trailing off with a frustrated, “You know what I mean,” until suddenly, he found the right metaphor for what he was feeling and then he couldn’t stop talking.

Gene talked for the next hour of the trip, talked until his mouth was dry.

But god be damned if he didn’t feel better, like he had just purged himself of a gut full of rotten meat.

“Can we stop at the next gas station? I’m parched,” Gene asked, his voice raspy, but his tone light.  

“I think ‘bout a lotta those things, too,” Snaf said quietly as he slid his hand over to flick the turn signal, the ticking filling the truck in the silence after his statement.

“How—how come you don’t let it . . . eat at you? I feel like I’m just raw with worryin.”

Snafu was quiet for a moment, his eyes checking the rearview and the side mirror as he switched lanes to catch the exit.

“I jus’ figure as long as I’ve got you, nothin’ else really matters. Sounds stupid, don’t it?” Snafu said with a soft laugh.

No—no it was not stupid at all, Eugene thought, realizing he wanted to do nothing other than to kiss Snafu silly for saying the most brilliant thing he had ever heard.

And once the truck was in park, Gene did just that.

He tore off his seatbelt and slid to the center of the truck, almost smacking into Snafu as he turned to see what the hell had gotten into his boyfriend, but he didn’t have to wonder long because Gene planted his lips on him in a searing kiss.  

He pulled on Snafu’s lower lip with his teeth, sucking it into his mouth before he tilted his head and thrust his tongue inside, earning a moan of approval from Snafu.

Snafu’s tongue swirled around Gene’s, his mouth open wide, wanting to taste every inch of the man who meant so much to him.

Eugene was almost in Snaf’s lap when Snafu closed their kiss, gently pushing Gene away.

“Thought you was parched?” he panted.

“I am—but I guess not just for soda,” Gene grinned.

Snafu laughed and shook his head. “Come on. We got a long drive back. Let’s get some caffeine.”

Eugene clutched at Snafu’s shoulder. “This is . . . it? We’re not going anywhere?”

“No, cher. I jus’ needed ya to talk to me. Didn’t know how else to get ya to do it.”

Eugene’s face burst into the first genuine smile Snafu had seen in over two weeks.

“You sly sonofagun,” Gene said, still grinning.

“Gotta stay on ma toes with you.”

“I could kiss you.”

“Ya already have.”

“I could kiss you forever.”

“Genie, dat’s all I’m eva gonna need,” Snaf said, leaning over to press a soft kiss to Gene’s lips. “Come on—now I’m parched.”

Stocked up with drinks and snacks, the boys began their drive home, this time with Eugene sitting in the middle of the cab, leaning into Snafu’s shoulder as the conversation flowed freely amidst their glances and their laughter that now filled the cab, drowning out the music.

But after a while, it wasn’t enough for Gene to just lean into Snafu; he had started with his hand mid-thigh, an act of sweet affection more than sexual suggestion, but the affectionate gesture shifted quickly to the latter when Gene’s fingers began to flex, crawling up Snafu’s thigh higher and higher until the Cajun’s foot hitched on the gas.

“Wha’chu doin, boo?”

“Touchin’ you.”

“We makin’ poetry now?”

“Pull over ‘n we can sure make somethin,” Gene said, leaning over to capture Snafu’s earlobe between his teeth.

Snafu made a noise in his throat and took the next exit.

“There,” Eugene said, pointing to the sign that signaled a pull off for a nature preserve.

Snafu drove over the winding roads until he found a secluded turnoff, perfectly bottlenecked by tall, bald cypresses. He drove a ways into the clearing, cut the engine, and cracked the window.

“Nice out he—mmf,” Snaf began before he got cut off by a red head in his lap, squeezing between him and the steering column, the horn emitting a short beep, but neither of the boys caring as they kissed, intense and deep, lost in something they both had been badly missing.

“Want you so much. Need you Snaf,” Gene puffed out between kisses.

Snafu pushed Gene back a little, the horn again reminding them of their tight position.

“Think we need more room?”

“Ya gotta get off ma lap first,” Snaf replied with a smirk, giving Gene’s ass a light smack before he wiggled back to the middle seat.

After his feet plopped onto the dirt, Snafu pushed up his seat to pull out the sleeping bag he kept there.

“Gene,” Snaf spoke up before the red head could slide all of the way out of the cab.

He angled his curly head toward the glovebox, and Eugene popped it open, rummaging through it to find the tube of lubricant.

The boys settled in the back of the truck, and it was clear that Eugene needed to take control by the way he was immediately on top of Snafu, and it was clear that Snafu was open to whatever it was Gene needed by the way he was sighing underneath him.  

Popping open Snafu’s jeans, Gene reached in and palmed his hard cock, rubbing and twisting until there was pre-cum slickening his thumb.  

“I wanna fuck you so bad, Snaf. Bury my cock in you.”

“Do it, Gene. Miss ya so much.”

Popping the top off, Gene smeared lubricant on his fingers and crawled back over Snaf, spreading his legs with his knees and quickly working Snaf’s dick and opening with each hand. Eugene quickly jerked Snafu off, his hand flying over Snafu’s hard cock, twisting at the tip just the way he liked until he was spilling hot cum all over his stomach and Gene’s hand.

Before Snafu’s breathing had time to even out, Eugene slickened up his cock with the lube and positioned himself at his entrance, pushing slowly until Snafu breathed, “Fuck me.”

Eugene groaned, low and animalistic, and thrust into Snaf’s heat, both of their eyes squeezing shut at the intensity of the sensation.

“Gene,” he breathed, laying back on his elbows and looking up at the night sky, his throat bared and Eugene’s eyes raked over Snafu’s body, thinking he had never looked sexier.

“You’re beautiful,” Gene breathed as he began to move, slowly, caught up in everything that was Snafu.

Snafu’s cheeks flushed and he was glad it was too dark for Gene to see him blush. Countering the intensity of his own emotions, he bit out, “Tell me ya wan’ more. I know ya wan’ more.”

Eugene moaned and pulled out of Snafu.

“Hands and knees,” he demanded, watching intently as Snafu shot him a toothy grin that Gene could see perfectly under the night sky before he rolled over and got in position.

Gene pressed a kiss to the base of Snafu’s spine before he straightened and brought both hands down on Snafu’s ass, digging his fingers into his cheeks as he pushed into him again, the growl of satisfaction emitting from Snaf spurring Gene to really let go, to fuck him like he needed to fuck him.

Eugene admired the flexing of Snafu’s ass as he pounded into him, both of them groaning out their pleasure to the trees, to the stars, to the night itself until Gene finally felt like he had purpose again.

This man, so open and willing in front of him, was his purpose. How he could have forgotten that, he would never know, so he swore as his hips stuttered to a halt and he came inside of Snafu’s body, swore that he would never forget again.

Gene collapses on top of Snafu, pressing him into the bed of the truck, distracting the discomfort with the kisses he is peppering across every part of his boyfriend that he can reach.

“Wow,” Gene said rolling onto his back and releasing Snafu.

“I’ll fuckin’ say,” Snaf answered, rolling onto his back, too.

“Did I ever tell you you’re the best boyfriend this side of the Mississippi?”

“Only this side?”

“Well, we’re still young,” he joked as Snafu reached out to smack him. “Once this quarantine lets up . . .”  

They both laugh as they shimmy back into their clothes, sliding out of the truck bed and standing in the dewy grass.

“Thank you,” Gene said, pulling Snafu close to him.

“I love ya, Gene. Jus’ want ya to be happy.”

“I am happy. I really, really am.”

And when he leans in to kiss him, Snafu knows that Eugene means it.

#sledgefu #sledgefu smut #snafu #snafu shelton #Eugene sledge #sledge #smutty smut smut

[arheadbar]

Football Player Dimitri! (A High School AU~)

━━━━━━×⋆☆⋆×━━━━━━

March 30, 2020

A/N: Day ???? of Quarantine: I’ve lost it. I’m writing another Dimitri x F!Reader fic because I have nothing else to do and I hate myself. How many of these am I going to write? I don’t know. Although, I think these are a lot of fun to write, so I guess it’s a win-win? I might stop writing smut for the time being since my first two one-shots have been nothing but smut so I might go for something a little more vanilla, and no smut at all. I’ve been tempted to make a high school/college au fic but I really don’t know if I’m up for writing about school, plus I’m not very good at world-building even if it’s something as simple as modernizing 3H’s world and characters OTL. I might give writing an actual AU a shot, but I rlly don’t know lol, I’m kinda just rambling at this point. This one is gonna be dedicated to my friend because prom got straight-up cancelled bc of COVID-19 and she’s kinda(really) salty. And I know this isn’t prom I just thought it’d be easier to incorporate athletic dimitri if it was hoco szn y’know? Anyway, enjoy this fluff! It was actually a lot of fun to write :’))

-xo Mika

━━━━━━×⋆☆⋆×━━━━━━

Categories: Fluff, High School AU, Romance

Word Count: 1,350

   Your eyes roamed the large football field as you fought through the crowd to find your best friend. 27… 27… Where are you 27...? Your eyes lit up as you saw him making the run back with the ball, narrowly avoiding players from the opposing team. More of the opposing team was quickly gaining on him, but thankfully he was able to reach the goal before they got to him. You were already late to the game because of the stupid halftime preparations all because were nominated for the Senior-class homecoming court. You didn’t have too dress up too much, but you would rather look presentable when most of the student body went to these games. You only went to support your friends. Before you got to the game, Dimitri had texted you saying,

“Meet me at our usual spot, I wanna talk to you about something after the game.” The text filled your stomach with butterflies, but you tried to pay no mind to it as you continued to cheer with the rest of your friends. Your school’s team had switched to defense and the crowd began chanting, “Let’s go defense!” and you screamed until your lungs hurt. You heard someone call your name from the field and you were met with a wink from a sweaty Sylvain that was downing some water after a timeout had been called. Dimitri waved at you with a smile as he noticed Sylvain’s usual antics. The interaction only lasted a few seconds, and they were quick to put their helmets back on and disappear into the sea of players.

Before you knew it, halftime was already there, with your hair slightly disheveled despite the bandana you had it in, and the blue and white dots that you had put on hours ago was beginning to crack, but you looked fine otherwise. You stepped down the bleachers and towards the track while the cheer team’s blaring music went on in the background.

“Alright, Sylvain and Mercedes you two will be together in this car,” stated the ASB director as she frantically tried to organize the mess of teenagers and parents that stood before her.

“You and Dimitri will be in this car together,” she added as she guided you and Dimitri to the car behind your friends and she went on to organize the rest of the students that were nominated in their respective vehicles.

“Another thing, and I’m pretty sure this goes without saying, but please smile and wave or at least do something.” She groaned, and surely enough the other halftime performances had concluded, and you were up next.

You couldn’t help but stare at Dimitri in his uniform, his skin glistening with sweat in the Friday Night Lights, his blue eyes becoming a paler blue than they usually are as he smiled and waved at the crowd, his cheeks were flushed pink for obvious reasons and he was still trying to catch his breath, but you tried to avert your gaze and went back to smiling and waving at the adoring crowd. They announced your names in order of youngest class to oldest class, so obviously the four of you had been saved for last.

After that whole ordeal was done, you made your way back to the crowd, and the rest of the game went by with a blur. All you knew was that your team had won, and Dimitri was responsible for it. From what you heard, it became a rather close game, and when you stared up at the scoreboard, the team had barely managed a tie-breaker, and you were excited to congratulate your friend after you said your goodbyes with your friends in the crowd.

You made your way to your secret spot with Dimitri, but now that you think about it, it wasn’t all that secret since most of the school had dubbed it “Make-out Corner” because most couples would make their way there to eat each other’s faces off during school but at night when all the lights were out (because the school hadn’t bothered to replace them yet), it was dark, and the only thing you could really see was the shadowy figure of whoever you had brought with you. You and Dimitri had used this place on multiple occasions, whether it be just trying to find time to talk to each other or to just sit in the silence of the night together after a hectic day.

“There you are!” Said a familiar voice, and you couldn’t help but run up and hug him.

“Congratulations dumbass, you managed to carry our team again,” you teased as you punched his shoulder pads and he started to walk towards his car, which was conveniently parked in the spaces right next to the building.

“Oh, shut up, come on let’s get some food.” He replied and revved the engine of his car after he threw his gear in the trunk. This was your favorite kind of night; nobody but you, Dimitri, and whatever playlist he had in the background, but usually it was classic rock.

“Where are we going tonight?” You asked since the two of you usually ate in at the local burger-and-shake place, but this time he ordered take-out.

“You’ll see,” he replied, as he started making his way out of the city with a silly grin you could feel even as the two of you sat in the dark together with the only light sources being the streetlights that you drove by.

The drive wasn’t too long, and honestly, the view was worth it. It was a road on a hill that overlooked the city and all its twinkling lights, and it was just the two of you there…alone. You helped him lay out a blanket on the hood of his car as the two of you sat there with fry in one hand, milkshake in the other.

“So why are we in such a beautiful place in this deadbeat town?” You ask in between bites of your burger.

“Well… There’s something I wanted to tell you, and this was the only place I could think of that would help me.” He explained, having already inhaled all of his food while you were barely able to finish the last few bites.

“Wait right here.” He ordered while he rummaged around in the back of his car, and the butterflies in your stomach started acting up again. It was a few minutes before he returned, and the sight you had before you almost made your dinner come back up because of your stomach lurching at the sight of seeing him so sheepish around you.

Dimitri had managed to fix his hair that had been ruined by his helmet as he held a bouquet of what looked like blue roses in the pale moonlight as he approached you carefully.

“I know we’re going to homecoming together as friends…” He started, “But the more I thought about it, the more I realized my true feelings for you.” He took your hand carefully in his own and placed a gentle kiss on the back of it. You already knew where this was going, and you kind of wanted to slap yourself for not saying anything, but he continued, “I don’t want us to go to homecoming together just as friends anymore. I want you to be mine.”

You were speechless. You didn’t know how to respond, and your heart was beating right out of your chest. You looked at the flowers in your hand, and then back at the sheepish, innocent boy who had thought all this out just for you, all you could do was nod pull him into a hug.

“I love you.” He admitted as he placed a soft kiss on your forehead, and you pulled him by his jersey to return the kiss, but on his lips.

“I love you too, Dimitri.” You giggled, as the two of you sat on the hood of his car while you were in his arms as you watched the city glimmer in the distance.

#dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #high school au #fire emblem three houses #dimitri x reader #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd x f!reader #why am I doing this #fluff #one-shot #my writing #fire emblem: three houses

[anotherlazysneaker]

I was in pain again, but who is not?

(c) Kim Friend at Mt Arayat South Peak 12/6/2020

I just finished coffee with my neighbour, Jane and it's 6:30 in the morning now. We just finished an 8-hour hike yesterday after more than 8 months of not going outside Manila (due to COVID19). My legs and arms still hurt as I write this. But the good news is...that hike, that mountain, that pure & cool air, that starry night, that "climb" with my friends literally cleared my head and awaken my writing muse (i lost my old LazySneakers account bc i wasn't even using it this year).

I want to share the pain & the prize of my weekend hike here. It was my first time to do a so-called major hike. Mt Arayat South Peak trail was a mix of rocky terrain, a forest with some thorny bamboo along the way, and some "open sky" grassy way at the entrance. I was a mess going to the trip. I ended work at 10am, slept not so deep for 3 hours, woke up and went to prep our packed food, slept a bit during the travel to the jump-off point and that's it...the hike began. Aside from a sedentary work at home set-up, I was only able to do 3-4 sets of 2-hour walk around my neighbourhood before the climb. We just knew the duration of the hike before we actually started, which is better because we might drop out before if we knew beforehand.

So with "feeble" feet and knees i guess, 6 of us (we live in the same building but different rooms) set out to an exciting journey. The steep rocky road started. Carrying an overpacked backpack (too much snacks), we went off to our first encounter with her, MT. ARAYAT SOUTH PEAK. The first lesson she thought me was, to travel lightly. I realized after the trip, when we got back down the jump-off point, that I don't really need to eat a lot while hiking nor halfway at the peak. I knew it after, and now I know better. Thus reminding me of Hebrews 12:1 "...let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." NLT

Here goes the second lesson, drop the phone (not literal hah). Personally, I chose to leave my phone since I was traveling with friends, I’ll be able to share photos with them anyway. During the hike, I intentionally started on a slow pace, knowing that I might pass out because of the lack of sleep and pre-hike exercise. For a beginner group like us, first timers in Mt. Arayat. We needed to focus on every step. Each step my affect the rest of the hike. If we go too fast, we might get injured or pass out for the lack of air. If we go hastily, we might trip or “roll back down” which might hurt other joiners. I realized beforehand that the hike will need 110% of my focus. During this hike, at some point, halfway of the trail, I tried pacing with our guide, MacMac a high school student and a local. I lasted for 30 minutes on the rocky trail then felt fire on my legs. I asked him to rest and wait for my friends. I was focused the entire 30 minutes but my body was not conditioned to be at the same pace as him, I needed to stop.

The next thing this hike taught me was, I needed to be present, it was all or nothing. Since it was my first time hiking this trail, I was not familiar with any of the road. Each of us needed to listen and trust our guide and organizers. I learned to leave whatever pride I think I have down the jump-off point and be humble towards the guide and organizers. I really appreciate how they emphasized on taking our time and pace ourselves. I remember MacMac telling me that he reserves his energy while walking (in silence) and going hyper when we reach the top. I think I did a pretty good job on the silence thing with a record of 5 minutes, 10 minutes and 20+ minutes during the ascend (which a new friend Clyde, timed on his phone). I might not be able to strike that much conversations if I had my phone. I was glad I left it. During the hike, I felt like there were times that I was not able to hear well, maybe because of the altitude, I needed to ask the person am speaking with to repeat what they said.

Lastly, on a deeper note, the mountain conquered me again. That’s what I love about the few times I had a “hard” hike. It reminded me how small I am, how I am a part of a grand design, a harmony of creation working together with or without my permission...either I choose to take part or passively not pay attention that I am a part of a big design. The past 8 months of COVID19 lockdown and quarantine was painful. I was not able to go back home because of schedule and lack of public transport. I kept asking myself why am I even back here in the Philippines, when I was on a roll outside. I stopped writing because I felt so blank even though I knew I was in pain, I did not know how to put words on it. There were days I keep on being grateful, there were days that I felt like a zombie or a robot going through my day (night, I work night shift). This hike reminded me about the painful journey I needed to choose so I can see the beautiful peak. And if the view at the top will be covered by clouds, I had a beautiful journey with the people I hiked with, I was not alone. 

This trip reminded me of a blog I wrote back in April 2018 about my bjj journey. I spoke of how I was in pain during the process while reflecting about 6 months living in a foreign country alone. I wanted to used the same title as I felt it was parallel with a new experience and a new struggle. It’s making me smile now as a realized it. This post is also an appreciation to the organizers Buhay Bundok. It might be just another hike they organized but it changed (and healed) me. Not only I appreciated the beauty of a mountain in my own region and country but it was a gift to meet like-minded people and share good memories with my friends.

(c) Fiona’s iPhone 12/6/2020 

#hiking #philippines #arayat #sinopinas #friends #travel #backpacker #trekking #beautiful places #viaje #asia #lugares lindos #amigos #salidas #travel diary #favorite place #good times #trending

[cancerbiophd]

Quarantine Tag

Tagged by @docresa (you tagged my main blog jncera but i’m gonna post it here) and @miss-biophys. thank you both!

I’m not really in quarantine (I still go to lab every day) but I guess some of the questions still apply. Also I want to fill this out so I can tag others bc I’m curious what everyone’s been up to!

Are you staying home from work/school? Nope! We got a waiver to continue on as essential lab research, so I’m still here baby. But I literally only go from home to work back to home again so still sorta in the #quarantinemood.

If you’re staying home, who’s there with you? My husband. He’s exclusively WFH and has become my 1950′s housewife

Do you have pets to keep you company? Our dog Lemmy! (link to pic)

Who do you miss the most? The rest of my family. We just had a stream of March and April birthdays of myself and my husband and a bunch of siblings and it just sucks that we couldn’t all hang out together for them. 

When was the last time you left your home? This morn to come to lab

What was the last thing you bought? A cardigan from amazon that i wanted but probably didn’t need bc something’s got to fill the void

Is quarantine driving you insane or are you finally relaxed? Idk neither? tho I think it’s making me more stressed out because I just feel really terrible for all the bad things it’s causing, like layoffs and people being stuck with abusers, etc. and yes, i know it’s better than people dying but still terrible to go through!

Are you a homebody? Absolutely. My weekend plans haven’t changed too much lol

What movies have you watched recently? We just watched 1917 and Birds of Prey (rented on Amazon). Both are really good!!

An event that you were looking forward to that got cancelled? MY GRADUATION CEREMONY T_T 4th time i cried in grad school

What’s the worst thing that you’ve had to cancel? def the graduation. but other than that.. not much, since i don’t make a lot of plans to begin with lol i’m boring

What’s the best thing you’ve had to cancel? I was supposed to go to an awards luncheon for a fellowship I got and would’ve had to present my entire research in 5 measly minutes and honestly I was not looking forward to making that presentation.

Do you have any new hobbies? No time to make new hobbies :( 

What are you out of? sanity umm nothing atm for personal use. for lab use i’m desperately waiting on some stripping buffer so i can finish my western blots /twiddles gloved thumbs

What music are you listening to? omg when the covid panic was at its worst here in the US mid-march i listened exclusively to 90′s boy band music bc i was seriously craving that familiar sense of comfort. 

What shows are you watching? we’re currently watching Black Sails (just started S2)! is billy coming back :(

What are you reading? Red Seas Under Red Skies by Scott Lynch and American Buffalo: In Search of a Lost Icon by Steven Rinella (on audiobook).

What are you doing for self-care? A better sleep-schedule, and the majority of weekday evenings off from doing anything work-related (unless it’s super necessary/easy). 

Are you exercising? am i what? i can’t read all of a sudden.gif

How’s your toilet paper supply? good! it just so happened that i had to get more tp right before the panic buying started, so we’re good for a while. and worst case scenario there’s always kimwipes from the lab right

Have you made any changes to your hair during quarantine? no but i wish i had gotten a hair-cut before all this because it is getting waaayy too long. boob-length is my limit!

I tag: @fragileanimal, @cytostorm, @queenofthebench, @immuno-studies, @symbiotic-science, @skinny-little-nobody, @immunologic, @phdstudyblr, @biopsychs, @sacardia, @astoryofej, @fudeh, @nerdgirlnarrates, @quinazoline, @astudyinphd, @scienceshenanigans

[revol-lover]

i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok. 

ok? anyway.

so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though. 

i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.

and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.

anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend. 

so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.

i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020  but yeah idk

i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i  have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic. 

and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.

and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is 

therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me  in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps

meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.

this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.

[kebinwooo]

rules: answer 10 questions, tag 10 mutuals to answer 10 questions you write

getting to this a bit late but i was tagged by @theyoungflexer! i realized all my answers to this are super boring so i’m so sorry in advance OTL i’m honestly not an interesting person this is so sad LOL anyways everything’s under the cut (bc despite having boring af answers i still somehow talk a lot)

1. what’s the worst thing you’ve ever eaten?

why am i blanking on this LMAO i want to say i’ve never eaten anything super disgusting myself (like bland and would-not-order-ever-again stuff? yeah i’ve had that. but nothing impressionable enough to say it was the worst thing i’ve ever eaten) but i have definitely seen my fair share of gross creations /looks at jeonghan’s marshmallow wrapped in lettuce 

2. describe your aesthetic as pretentiously as you can!

is it bad if i say i don’t really have an aesthetic? or at least one that i know of? i’m so sorry i’m so boring LMAOOOOO like i have certain things i like but idk if any of them constitute an aesthetic... anyways moving on bc the more i write the more sad i get AHAH

3. would you marry your bias? why/why not?

depends who we’re talking about. if it’s kevin (from ukiss), that’s a maybe. he’s been slowly sliding off my bias list and lowkey already lost ultimate bias status (I’M SORRY KEVIN ;A;) and like he’s definitely a super sweet and kind dude (i know since i met him and he was so caring and attentive ;u;) but also he seems a little too perfect yknow? being with him would just make me feel like i can never live up to his image hahaha so yeah i can’t imagine marrying him (also bc he’s eight years older than me LOL)

if it’s joshua, yes. i love him a lot and he also seems sweet like kevin but also  so easygoing and thoughtful and fun to be around and just AGH. i’m gonna cut myself off before i ramble lol

now... if it was changkyun, HELL NO. I CAN BARELY STAND THE DUDE AND I’M ONLY A STAN. WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO MARRY HIM BC I’D WANT TO FIGHT ALL THE TIME (lmao i’m only (half) joking. like yes i do love him in my own way but idk if i would be willing to marry him bc i get the feeling our personalities won’t completely mesh) 

4. what’s your favorite myth?

this is a great question and one that i’m suddenly blanking on. i love greek myths a lot but for some reason i can’t remember any wtf??? i guess my favorite one that i can remember off the top of my head is when odysseus tricks the cyclops and blinds him and then the cyclops is running around going like ‘NOBODY STABBED ME’ and his cyclops friends are like wtf do you mean (does this even count as a myth? LOL well i’ll just say it does)

on another note, i DO want to say that my favorite greek goddesses are artemis and persephone (and also a lil bit of athena) but i really can’t remember any myths related to them that i particularly liked so.... oops?

5. what’s your favorite meal?

ooooof this is a hard one. i’ve had a lot of meals that i’ve eaten and loved... i’ll go with my birthday meal from last year. basically it was an omakase-type restaurant and i ate like various cuts of meat throughout the entire night and it was delicious and great. i wanted to go back for my bday this year bc i’m turning 21 and they give you free alcohol on your bday but tbh idk if i can even go anymore.... fuck covid tbh >:( 

6. what is your idea of true happiness?

honestly? i’m kinda unexpectedly graduating early next semester so right now my idea of true happiness is just a stable job and a clear path for what i want to do bc that’s what i currently DON’T have lmao. also having a s/o would be nice.... quarantine is making me feel sad and single and lonely HAHAHA. but yeah mostly just having a stable, clear life path that i enjoy while being able to afford what i want with a little leftover so i can splurge every now and then yep

7. if your life was a movie, what song would play during the opening credits?

hmmm, this is a good question and one i can’t seem to answer right off the bat LOL the undying kissme in me wants it to be a ukiss song... so i would choose ukiss’s dear my friend as like one of those fun, starting off the day songs! but also it doesn’t feel like it would start off a movie on my life. so realistically, it would be yorushika’s hitchcock! it’s a really upbeat, cute song.... and then you read the lyrics and it’s pretty depressing and existential LOL and that basically sums me up super well and would be a great song for that initial character setup

8. if you were a dinosaur, what dinosaur would you be?

i have absolutely no reasoning behind this but i would want to be a brontosaurus or a stegosaurus LOL i feel like i once had a more interesting answer to this question but i forget now oops

9. where’s your favorite place to hang out/visit?

this is gonna sound super lame of me but boba shops where they have a lot of seating and you can stay for hours playing games. my favorite summer activity is to go out with my friends for boba and then sit around playing board games in a nice air-conditioned cafe. but alas.... covid >:( 

also, this is gonna sound even lamer of me but when i’m at school in washington, my favorite place to hang out is the international district in seattle (and particularly the supermarket, uwajimaya). i’m surrounded by a lot of white people where i go to school so when i head up to seattle for a day trip, going to the international district and just seeing asians again and eating asian food is soooooo comforting. so yeah LOL 

10. what do you HAVE to have on you when you go out?

this is gonna sound super dumb of me but i like actually NEED to have my phone on me. my phone broke last year and i had to go around without it for like three days and i felt so naked, especially when i was eating by myself and had nothing to do with my hands. it was the worst tbh so yeah i’m a horrible phone-addicted person it seems OTL 

***

i’m not tagging anyone but if for some reason somebody read all my answers and wanted to do this as well, i’ll add some down below! just say you were tagged by me if you do them! 

1. If you could reunite any group of people, who would it be? 

2.  What’s your favorite trope?

3. What’s a song that you always recommend to somebody?

4. If you could live anywhere in the world without any restrictions (aka language barriers are nonexistent, money isn’t a problem etc.), where would you want to live?

5. If you could learn the exact time of your death, would you choose to know? 

6. What’s a superstition you have?

7. If you could give a TED talk on anything, what would it be on?

8. What’s your favorite form of potato?

9. What would you absolutely never do, not even for a million dollars?

10. Make a soundtrack of your life. What songs have to be included? 

#sorry for posting this so late! #i tried to give some thought to this #then realized i'm actually pretty boring so all these answers are just.... so boring..... and lame..... #on that note i actually really like the questions i asked LMAO #too bad i dont have anybody to tag haha #anyways thanks for tagging me again chelle!

[matcalderon]

ryan guzman / cis male — is that matias ‘mat’ calderon ordering a green tea at mocha ? i heard they’re a thirty two year old personal trainer. rumour has it he can be a little restless, but also passionate. i guess that comes with being a cancer. they always make me think of workout gear, green juices & sleepless nights. i sure hope no one finds out no one knows he’s bisexual. well, looks like their order’s up ! ( pau / 25 / she/her / gmt-3 )

i rly said QUARANTINE WHO and i brought another muse with a full ass child gfklgjklfdgjldf

mat's lowkey inspired in nimai delgado bc i fucking LOVE that dude so

he loves going to the gym. he gets super invested when it comes to his clients, to the point that he trains alongside them every fucking time

he follows a whole food plant based diet bc not eating animals is sexy af

hella kind & loving

cares about the shit that matters aka how not to be a sack of shit as a man

thats sums it all tbh but if you want more info:

jennifer prescott & josé luis calderon’s only child. he’s always been momma’s boy, something his dad never liked

josé luis always thought mat was a bit too feminine for his taste, he used to bring him to fishing and “manly” reunions (yikes) with his peers so he would change matias’ ways. he clearly was unable to do so, what put a bit of distance between them

he was born in wilmington & stayed there his whole life

growing up, he was a bit shy and kept to himself. his favorite plan was staying inside and drawing his lil heart out

he came out of his shell a little bit when he met his former girlfriend at 16. she transferred from tennessee and blew his mind off. he didn’t quite know how but six-ish months later, they were dating and already talking about getting married and having kids. she was the love of his life and he wanted nothing more but to be with her

he realised that love wasn’t forever as he once thought when she left him without really saying why. he saw her move on with her life like he didn’t mean shit and that really crushed his spirit

he had always been in touch with his emotions up until that point. he was sensible and kind, and people made fun of him a lot for it. but after the break up, something switched in him

he put on the brave face everyone said he should and started conforming to gender stereotypes a lot. he switched his colorful pencils and paints for a basketball, and suddenly there was a sense of community, acceptance and encouragement he felt from his peers that made him feel like he finally belonged. not because they wanted him there but bc he was surprisingly good at it ???

basketball brought along hours and hours of practice, weekends spent with his teammates and a whole lot of ‘locker room’ talk and really nasty attitudes towards women in general, something he didn’t quite agree with but he was part of a group and he couldn’t go against what everyone else said

he managed to get a scholarship through the sport as well, which landed him the opportunity to go to college he wouldn’t have had otherwise, so he stuck with it for some of the benefits, regardless of how he felt about the whole thing

during his last year at college, he met this awesome gal that blew his mind yet again. he was reticent at first bc he had everything the dudes from the team had said was ingrained in his brain by that point. like having a normal conversation with a girl without jumping straight to her bones? unheard of. but he managed to get in touch with his sensible side he had somehow lost throughout the years and went for it

and boyyyy did that go well !!! they graduated, moved in together pretty quickly and went on about their lives happier than ever. she helped him a lot to get back to his old self, reconnect with former friends and make amends with people in general after a couple of years of being a Douche(tm)

she also showed him his stupid, lowkey misogynistic patterns and he embraced change with open arms. he started this lowkey activism to remind people muscles shouldn’t equal being an asshole, that being strong doesn’t mean shit if you’re only doing it to post on instagram. he did it only in real life, until his gf told her she was pregnant and that made his mind go off like !!!! you can’t bring a child into this mess of a place !!!!!! so he turned his loving revolution into a business

now he has a lowkey 250k channel on youtube where he talks about masculinity, fatherhood and ofc the gym !! and he’s loving it so far

he recently broke up with his girlfriend after ten years and even though they’re alright, it was a mutual agreement and shit, he still needed a lil bit of love. that brings him to chicago, where his best friend arthur lives !! he brought his three year old son bruno with him for a fun holidays, not thinking too much about it

i’m thinking he’s been here for two or three days so far. catch me asking for his former partner in 2.5 secs so he can stay fdskjfkn

#mocha:intro

[captainimprobable]

This photo popped up on my Facebook memories and I nearly lost my gd mind.  Everything under the cut is depressing so don’t click if you don’t wanna be bummed out

This is from Mother’s day, May 10th, 2015.  At this point I had been breaking down every night for a month, taking Ativan like it was candy, because lower doses stopped working since I took them so often.  I dropped out of college during finals week instead of just waiting for the semester to be over because I didn’t know if I could make it through another week. 3 days after this picture was taken, I checked myself into the hospital.  It was a planned check in, preemptively done so it wouldn’t come to a place where it would be an emergency.  I stayed for about a week, and when I got out I wasn’t cured or anything, but it had been the restart I needed to start working to get better. 2015 was the Year From Hell for my me and my family. (So far, it’s still beating 2020. Like. That many bad things happened in 2015.)

I spent most of my recovery alone, aside from my mother.  I had friends, that I loved and who I knew loved me, but when someone is going through something difficult and you don’t know what to say, sometimes you just say nothing at all.  Not to mention I kept all this very very quiet.  On the outside I looked fine.  I’ve been told by many, many therapists that  I’m the only patient they’ve ever had who can fool them into thinking things are great even if I’m wildly depressed, and my friends weren’t trained, so. Nobody really knew. I’ve been working my ass off for five years.  A year after this picture was taken, I graduated college.  By the end of that year I got my first job.  It took me a long long time to get to a place where I thought I could actually, maybe be a real person.  I was finally planning to start my career, which was going to lead to me moving out. I was finally, FINALLY, after 7 years of trying and failing, going to travel to japan. And then Covid happened.  And here I am, five years to the day later, feeling the same things I felt then, completely rewinded, like the past five years just haven’t happened.  We’re back, babes!!!!!! We’ve returned to the Shit Zone, no feeling good allowed!!!!  We’re back to having to take everything minute by minute, sleeping a lot and popping that Ativan again because I can’t stop crying. I’m fucked, my dudes.  Every year I’m so proud of how much progress I’ve made since May 13th, 2015. But right now all I see is the same pattern, the skipping work, the spontaneous sobbing mixed with being Totally Okay Somehow for a few days, and I’m alone again, because quarantine means nobody knows when we’re all gonna see each other again.  On top of that, i have nothing to look forward to since cons are cancelled.  Cons were basically the only thing I had..which I guess is shitty and lame, but it gave me an outlet, it was a place where I could be super gay and not worry about where I am, I was surrounded by people like me and not here, in my religious town, where nobody is like me.  (I am the Queen of the Drama Queens. Wow.) So all I see in front of me is the same thing, nothing, forever.  But hey the smores frapp comes out in two weeks!!!! Thank god.  I dont know what I would do without the smores frapp. (This is serious. Im not being sarcastic.  That shit is GOOD) Posting this is incredibly embarrassing for me because I’m not usually this open when something is wrong, but this picture popped up at an exact moment I was freaking out about something and I just had to do something.  So now, on top of everything, I’m severely embarrassed and I feel about three inches tall. Hi up there guys!!!! Things are great down here, I’ve managed to corral a spider and now I have a way of getting around without walking everywhere, so that’s rad.  Sorry if you think less of me. Surpriiiiiise Ive been a loser all along!!! I’m used to being vented to but the other way around...doesnt.....make sense??? Like, this feels illegal.  Was this too much information? I straight up Do Not Know. Anyway, thanks to the few people who know I’m losing my mind and have helped. Also I’m totally safe yall, that’s not something you need to worry about, I promise. idk wtf this post is for. actually. i might delete it like. soon. bc this feels Wrong and like Im crying for attention and i am a small helpless child. And Im not. But. Ill see. God this is bad if people see this they’re gonna think less of me but Im supposed to be this big advocate for mental illness on facebook, so I wanted to be honest, but I couldn’t get myself to post it on facebook so I’m putting it here and. Idk.  Sorry.

#jaytp #HELLO HELLO REMINDER THAT I AM OK AND SAFE #i dont think anyone thought i was cool before this but well #if someone did this will kill that quickly #i am baby

[mividadelicioso]

El Ano de Treinta

First post here...in a long time anyways. If I were being honest, my last Tumblr of decades ago turned into this soft porn type feed. It’s easier to get to that place then you think lol. First it starts with beautiful things as something to choose for your feed, or clothes, and at some muddled point down the line, there are half naked peeps (amongst other things) just popping up on your feed. In any case, that’s not why I ghosted. I ghosted, because like many things, but especially my writing, I just lost the juice of any kind to use my words via ink or typing, (rather). 

So you may be wondering to yourself, or...more realistically, not be giving a shit at all, as to why I am back in this wordy black hole. Well, really, a conglomeration of things that I’ll slowly vomit out onto this virtual paper, but to nutshell it, I’m losing my mind during this quarantine...losing my fucking sanity, as I would assume, everyone else is. However, for me, it’s more than just this quarantine situation (which, by the way, is incredibly insane to think about, but I digress atm), somehow, someway, (of course in my life), all these events just happen to coincide in a very important year of my life, hence the name. I basically spoiler-ed this post for you (you’re welcome for those of you that have no patience to wait until the end). 

I never thought that the ripe old? young? age of 30 would be a big deal to me; I mean, sure, everyone makes lofty goals for that age, that I would almost dare to say, 90% of the population never accomplish, but it just never worried me that the inevitable would come. It WOULD come, like every birthday, and then it would pass, like every birthday, without cause or concern. So what happened? (You might be asking yourself, OR you MIGHT not be caring at all. I mean, who really cares about a strangers’ musings? AMIRITE?). I don’t know, dude...or dudette. The truth is, this quarantine has forced me to sit in my apartment, shut off from distraction, and has forced an OVERTHINKER and an OVERANALYZER to overthink and overanalyze. It has, shall we say, created the perfect storm for this. Of course, the usual shit bothers me about this birthday; like, I had put together a meager list of goals a long time ago, if you could call them such, and as is the purpose of a list of goals, none were accomplished. Typical? Yes. Normal? Yes. A reason to have mental moments (I will always refer to breakdowns of any kind, as ‘mental moments’)? No. And yet, here I am, friends of Tumblr, have now had a mental moment over this  seemingly significant double digit. You’re probably wondering what that list was; yes, I thought about this myself, because truth be told, this last hasn’t actually been present in my mind at all, recently (PROBABLY why nothing has really been accomplished). 

**LIST OF GOALS: 30th Birthday**

-Go to Ireland (always been a dream of mine to visit)

-Be far along in my career (this is about as fucking unspecific as it gets lol)

-Be financially stable (i.e. have savings and shit)

-Pay something towards student loan, bc them government fuckers will find you

TADA! This was my list, ladies and gents. SHOCKING, I know. The length of it...just straight obnoxious. And TBH, none have been accomplished. TECHNICALLY, the second point does not count, because I switched jobs about 4 months ago...made moves as they say. Now, were those moves, MONEY moves? No...(had to make a rap song reference, don’t hate). Please, judge, and then judge away some more. I mean, listen, I have a 401K collecting moneys SOMEWHERE, and I can always still go to Ireland later this year. The irony of THAT particular point is, that I’m on furlough with my job, and the flights have never been fucking cheaper...but I am at a point, where I am FORCED to not spend frivolously. Although I am blessed with a boyfriend, who will be mentioned in a later post, that handles most of the major finances. Not because I’ve asked, (believe me, I have fought him on this...independence and such), but he thinks it’s his duty as the dude, I guess. But still, can’t be spending money that I may need down the line, should this godawful virus continue to ravage the U.S. (STAY HOME PEOPLES. FUCKING MAKE A BLOG...like me). 

In any case, coming face to face with an un-checkmarked list is quite possibly one of the most depressing things ever. So on top of me going out of my mind, and worrying about the health of my friends and family and significant other, I am also confronting the daunting age of 30, as well as, an unrealized list of goals.

Boohoo, boohoo, right? I resonate with your unsympathetic sentiments as well, but isn’t one of the benefits of blogging on the internet, that you can throw yourself as many endless pity parties as you want and no one can say a goddamn thing. That was definitely a rhetorical question, said in the most un-grammatically correct way ever. God, I love the internet. 

I will continue to rant about this further later on, but for now, I will say, that the only resolution I have come up with for this ‘mental moment’ I had about my list of un-accomplishments, is to create...and dare I say it...A VISION BOARD. Yes. 

God. I. Said. It. A FUCKING vision board, people. I’m about to get DIY up in this bitch...cause...not like I have anything else to do, right? 

Ending this post with some photos of tonights’ dinner. My spin on fried rice w/ asparagus, carrots, and corn as the veg component and some general tso’s chicken I baked in the oven. Despite the potential health hazards food can pose, when consumed in large proportions, I do believe in food therapy, people. BELIEVEEEEE IT.  Hashtag it folks, FOODTHERAPY...unless someone created that hash already, in which I can further add that to my list of failings for my grand ano de TREINTA. 

-Foodie OUT-

P.S. Don’t go all Sherlock Holmes and stock a hoe through my food photos. KTHX. 

#delicious #food #rants #quarantine #fried rice #asianfood #birthdays #oldlady #satirical #darkhumor #ohiolife

[drunkme-mories]

Okay, here I go...

Since I’ve met you, I find myself on an eternal repetition compulsion.

“Repetition compulsion is a psychological phenomenon in which a person repeats an event or its circumstances over and over again. This includes reenacting the event or putting oneself in situations where the event is likely to happen again.”

It’s like I’m on an infinite roller coaster, stuck on the loops. I don’t know why I am unable to get over you. (I mean, it has been almost 2 years that I’m trying to...).

Some days I go to bed, with a feeling that when I wake up the next morning it would all be just the same, just like before, you know? It would be a usual Friday, before the pandemic, and I’m feeling nervous just to imagine if I’d see you later that night and if you would finally notice me.

You’re still in my head (almost 24/7 lately), but I just don’t know why. Sometimes I justify it with the fact that we never talked in person about everything, we have barely texted about it. I even used to believe that what we had was a karmic relationship.

I keep asking myself “why I’m still thinking and caring about her, even after everything that has happened?” We’ve lost the most important thing to me, that was our friendship. And I know I’ve probably lost the sympathy of your friends (but I promise that you didn’t lose my friend’s sympathy, ‘cause every single time I have talked to them about you, I have always emphasized the fact that it had nothing to do with your character, and that you’re a good person with a good heart) and it hurts so much to know that we will never be able to meet up at the bar again, grab some drinks and spend the night laughing and having fun like we used to.

I even miss the nights we spent during this quarantine texting each other, talking about some crazy shit that has happened to us some years ago, to send each other TikTok’s, to know what’s going through your mind, what’s happening in your life, who’s the new girl that you’re breaking the heart, stuffs like this you know?

I was finally getting used to the idea that we would never see each other again, wouldn’t even talk again, but maybe unconsciously I don’t want that, I don’t want to say goodbye, I want you in my life, even if it’s not like a lover but as a friend, and I wish we could make it out without hurting each other again, and without hurting my lover too.

Well, she was always insecure about you, because even she could see how pure and intense my feelings were for you, even when I didn’t want to see it, and didn’t want to assume it (to you, to her, and myself). And I would probably feel the same way if I were in her shoes.

Since the goddamn day I fell in love with you, I live with this guilt, that consumes me more and more every day, the guilt of not being brave enough to tell you at the time what I was feeling for you (even tho you were always really mean to me, but that’s not the point right now), just like Lizzie did to Casey on that episode... Or to just have sent you a drunk message saying “hey bitch I fucking love you can you stop being trash to me and just accept to go on a date with me, to steal me a kiss after some glasses of wine, and tell me that you feel the same way about me?” you know? 😂

But now this guilt is even worse, because I’m with someone else, who I unconditionally love and cherish, but I know that I’ll never love anyone the same way I have loved you and it kills me inside.

Sometimes I think I'm not enough for her, that I wouldn't be enough for you if we ever had become something, that I don't deserve to be loved, and I know that it's probably true...

But anyway, sorry if sending you that previous ask sounded like I was being selfish, or that I was trying to take advantage of you, ‘cause it wasn't my real intention.

I wish I could erase this feeling on us, so we could meet again and laugh about all of this chaos, especially about the stuff we both wrote about each other ‘cause, I mean... I was never a good writer, but I kinda wrote some poems about you, I even wrote you a letter, remember? Not that I'm trying to be cocky but I nailed the poems, they're pretty good, maybe I should try to write some more so I can publish a book, Rupi Kaur style 😂 sorry, I tend to use humor as a coping mechanism.

But anyway, I hope you're doing good, that you have achieved your dream of entering a med school, that you're going to therapy, and I'm still hoping we could still be friends, even grab a coffee someday, and finally talk about everything in person. I will always wish you the best! 🌕

Yeah let me go topic by topic ok.

First of all. It’s good to talk to you again.

Second, yeah I also feel lost in that loop (by the away great taylor song about it the way I loved you check that out). But I don’t thing it’s karma at least no a bad karma. I think we have this weird connection that every time I’m thinking about you a lot, like these lasts days you show up in my life again and I can’t help but think that we’re going to always be in each other’s life bc were supposed to. This weekend my family was talking about other lives and even I don’t believe in that, I thought this may be us.

About lost our friendship I spoke to one of my friends a couple months ago that I was missing you. And I didn’t know why. So I told him “ok I’m going to text her”. He told me to look at our old conversations to see if eventually we’d have those conversations now that you’re dating. And FUCK looking back to that hurt me. But it was good to see how much I’ve change, you know, that last convo when I was saying that I was jealous and i couldn’t just say “I’m jealous of you, you dumb bitch” was especially cringe for me. But yeah, he’s the only friend of me that knows and he’s not our (strange to say our bc that’s no us at all) number 1 supporter. Cause I don’t even now how to explain to people what we had. It’s something that we don’t even know what it was or what it is.

Now let’s get in to the topic that you blocked me. And I know that was important for you relationship and stuff but I was heartbroken. Like unfollow and muted ok, but cut me like that was cruel of you. I understand. But was hard. I also wanted to told you about some big changes up in my life, wanted to know what you’re up to, love life, college, family and everything. You were some weird friend of me after all.

About being friends I’m 0% into that right now. At this point I can’t see myself having anything with you (but I’m up to a illicit affair). Also fuck her. This 6 moths made me hate her so much and I know is jealousy but I don’t care. I know it’s not kind of me and blablabla but fuck it, she’d also hate me to if she took a look in my brain. And she’s right to feel insecure bc if I had a chance I wouldn’t doubt about it (guess me being a trash didn’t change that much lol). And I know she’s good to you, know she treats you like I’ll never be able, but I just think it should be me, you know, even though if we were both single we’d be nothing like that. So yeah that’s another topic. Fuck her.

And yeah Casey and Izzie will always remember me of you, and also will some songs, and some other movies. That was all I had of you in the last 6 moths so I guess that will change eventually.

It’s good to hear that even though she’s having a lot of was once mine, she would never have it all. That’s good. This past moths I’ve seen she take everything that as ours and turning in to yours so it’s good to know that if I show up at your wedding I would still cause some trouble.

Some things never change right?

I’m really sad to see you putting you down like that. So if my opinion has any importance to you, I think you’re too much for her anyway. And I’m sorry to help you feeling that you don’t deserve love in any kind of way. I think having a past, like you like to call me, won’t make you least or not deserving her love.

It’s not you’re fault you had a 10 and she’s a 5. Ok maybe a 9. Ok in 2019 I was definitely a 5 as well.

Don’t be mad at me I’m just joking ok.

In the moment we sat down and talk about this time we’ll have some good laughs. I still got those poems and I’m still waiting to have the box you told me about. And I guess that’s whats keep us here talking in one unofficially social, talking in other language, me writing texts about you. I’ve never lied to you that I love this drama and I think you might like this as well.

Least, I want to tell you again that right now I can’t see myself having a friendship with you cause I still have a lot of feelings going on. I like to imagine us meeting again in the future, both change, both grown, and living all the things we’ve always wanted but we’re both not ready for it. After that being said, I wish the best for you as well. I’m not going to end it that way bc I feel like this is not the end. So I hope you read this and send me a chat on here so we can talk privately. If you feel like that’s not the right thing to do, I’ll be always here fore you and I’ll always have a song to send you for you to remind of me in secret. Missing you.

[anarchy-in-the-pre-k]

absolutely pissed at a few friends i know dont go on tumblr. 

dont know anyone to talk to bc im down to two friends in my life so unless i want to lose them too then i guess i just have to scream into the void of anonymous blogging. ive had an crazy pathological FOMO for almost as long as i can remember. ive felt like an old old man since i was 15. all i can think about every day of my goddamn life is the passing of time and how my youth has been wasted in circumstances/a time and place where theres no cool counterculture/art for art’s sake/anything meaningful and social. im 20 now and ive been feeling like my best years are behind me for years. college is a nightmare. ive lost every friend ive had except for two and im not even entirely sure why. nobody wants to do anything. there are old friends in town, im always surrounded by old friends, but none of them leave the house. i dont want to live in a world where the only people in my life are friends from high school who blow me off every night for their millionth round of league of legends and my genuinely insane alcoholic dad who just goes on crazy rants that make me want to kill hiim and then myself. this is a crazy way to live. i cant move out. even if i could, id be miserable having a landlord/being a wage slave again. my god, all i want is the barest amount of social interaction that doesnt make me want to die. i cant believe ive never been to a crazy party, that almost all the friends ive ever had never wanted to do anything but sit around and play video games.

but onto what’s bothering me today. met up with the two friends i have left. known them for a while but we didnt use to be as close. they’re the closest to “interesting” or countercultural/artistic friends ive ever had, but they see all of that as mostly behind them. im incredibly resentful of not being “let in” on some of the more crazy times they had when we were growing up, but i can usually manage those feelings. today, they were just reminiscing about this secret spot in the woods they used to have wild parties at during high school. the way they described it made it seem like every stupid youthful experience that i’ve ever wanted. huge gatherings getting broken up by cops, a small pond for diving in from a gigantic vandalized cliff. glow sticks tied in trees for when it gets dark. ive known about this place forever, and ive always asked everyone to show it to me. i asked for years and years and years and nobody took the fucking 2 hours out of their lives to satisfy my curiosity. now i just have to sit there and listen to them talk about it like its the greatest thing that ever happened to them, so many life-changing experiences. so many true and completely authentic celebrations of being young and irresponsible. everything i always wanted, i begged them over and over to show me when we were all younger and they never found the time. now, they just talk about it, and i sit there, visually super uncomfortable, i tell them im annoyed that they never got around to taking me there- they dont take criticism well at all. they try to be polite, but they just want me to quit complaining. after the most hyperbolic shit you can imagine coming out of their mouths about this glorious place that shaped their young lives, i immediately hear a “oh, you wouldnt have liked it anyway, logan” just to shut me up. i didnt say anything to them for the rest of the day.

I know how crazy I sound, I dont care. I know there’s something wrong with me in the way i glorify those kinds of memories, how badly i want times like that to come back, but they know that about me too, and it was almost as if that whole conversation was designed specifically to torture me. it was like they took my deep-rooted, extremely sensitive pathological FOMO and said absolutely every combination of words that would set it off. i felt like some kind of incredibly cruel joke was being played on me at certain points. they went on for like 20 minutes. i think im really getting sick of this friend group, but if idecide to take a break from them, then ill be down to 0 friends. 0 friends and my only human interaction will be with my insane, narcissistic, racist, violent dad, who’s just looking for an excuse to kick me out of the house anyway.

I hate the kind of person i am now. I hate having this much hate in me. I know that absolutely nothing in this environment is doing any favors for me mentally, but i cant think of anything else to do. I say that now, even as I type it, I dont feel any better. there is nothing cathartic about this. I can say it over and over again “I dont know what to do now” but that doesnt change the fact that when im done making this post, i will have to keep living this. i have no power to change my life. there are no new friends to be had. i dont know how to meet women beyond dating apps, and staying on them makes me miserable. i have no other relatives to complain about my dad to. i have no other friends i can complain about these two to. all i do is list my problems in my head with nothing productive to be done even after identifying my problems. I know that so much of it is “just me”, but my environment is forcing all the worst parts of me to come out over and over. im horribly, incredibly lonely, but i hate everyone i come to interact with. i dont know if theres any hope for it to ever be otherwise for me. i thought i would use isolation, especially during quarantine, to make some money and prove my worth to myself as an artist. ive had my stories published bought by a few magazines now and i still feel horribly empty. i feel too world weary to even imagine myself having a positive relationship/friendship with anyone ever again. im just so tired of every single person that i meet. im tired of everyone, and the most amount of pleasure afforded to me is sitcom reruns and fast food. the safest, most conformist material pleasures that there are. i hate my own melodrama, i hate that i care this much about small thinngs, i hate that theres something so deeply wrong with my psyche that im this crazed by the mention of a punk hangout spot that nobody ever showed me when i was younger, but i am going to live the rest of my life resenting that everyone around me only wanted to game, and nobody ever wanted to go to the shady/weird spots of the woods with me. how can i have missed my chance to childishly self indulgence, only to come out a whining adolescent still? how can i still be such a kid while missing what it felt like to be a kid? i dont know. ive always felt this way, but its only been especially bad for the last 3ish years. if it keeps going like this i dont know what ill do. again, no catharsis. again, there is nothing healing about my writing this. life sucks at every moment and then, somehow, i decide to keep living. im going to build a ted shed soon i think

[brokenhayatim]

tw: food

i’ve wanted to write this for so long but i couldn’t really find time and i think i felt too ashamed to write it. idk how to even write it. 

in the beginning of the year, and some of last, there were days when i didn’t eat well. i’m normally not a breakfast person - more dinner and desert. i didn’t feel lie coming out of my room so i usually just peeped out for dinner. it made me superr dehydrated and so early this year i tried to rectify that and just come out to get water. it was kind of a start but not. when i was at uni, i would just take water and a small granola bar bc i didn’t want to overeat, and i walked a lot for uni between classes. before quarantine, i told my psychiatrist i felt like i wanted to binge eat all the time, food was always on my mind even when i was eating, i would want something more. it was honestly distracted, everything i did had my mind coming back to it. i’m normally the type that loves food and never shies away from eating a whole ice cream cake. but i knew there was just something off and i couldn’t really tell how bc my mood is normally crap anyways and i don’t socialize with anyone to even sense the effect or them to see. it was really only post dinner i would feel this as i didn’t actually eat anything throughout the day like i mentioned. it seems really strange and may seem normal but it wasn’t for me. quarantine started and i was super insecure about gaining a flibillion pounds and then ramadan came and i was like maybe i’ll lose some?? i mentioned to my sisters lightly that i really never ate break/lunch and they were like why didn’t you just fast and get the blessings? i hadn’t thought of that honestly. but i remembered a few years ago where i actually lost sum pounds in ramadan when i did nothing really so i was like maybe this time. when i wok up for suhoor i drank just water (which isn’t sunnah yeah) or i ate a few dates. i don’t really remember nor do i think i would say i binge ate during ramadan, my dinners were normal and my desserts were common. but i just felt like i was constantly gaining weight. i went walking everyday and the biggest reason was to try and lose weight i thought i gained in quarantine. i hadn’t known my weight or what i lost for about 2/3 months. i knew my weight months before when i went to see my psychiatrist right before quarantine. you know those people that stare in the mirror and sort of pull all the skin and fat like it’s stretchy elastic, i became that and i still am. i was and am so hyper focused on it it seems now. when i went to my friends house, i messaged her weeks before if she has a scale and she was like yeah i think so but i’d have to find it. i went to their house and i ate so much and knew i ate so much (like two meals and two snack ok). it was like i couldn’t stop at night too. and i hated it, i knew i would regret it. very cooly the next morning i asked to see it. i stepped on the scale and from when quarantine started to a few months after, i had lost about 6/7 pounds. i felt so happy like genuinely surprised but also really happy. i shouldn’t have stepped on it because i’m actually worse. when i came back to my place i felt like i needed to get rid of every single weight i gained then, bc surely i did, and did the same as i always did. but now with this new sense of accomplishment, i couldn’t really bother waking up at 7 am alot so i started looking up how many calories i should eat everyday w my bmi or whatever. and i ate under it. i wasn’t calorie counting per se, i was just aware and checked. i then searched up how many calories less that would produce weight lose and stuck to that. i didn’t see it as starving or under-eating bc i ate dinner and desert.  it was like addicting to stay like that. i went to the grocery store after i came back from her house and i used this huge scale by the bathroom and it said i gained back about 4/5 pounds and i was like oh my god and that’s how this all really began progressing. i also did the eating routine along with walking my usual 2 1/2 miles sometimes. i had to make it like that again. i started classifying water and ice as a meal like breakfast. i still do. i did a lot of ab workouts for a few weeks. i asked my sister to bring a scale for suitcases when i was moving and she says the most accurate way to weight it is if you subtract the weight of you holding with your weight. i was afraid to step on the scale, for them to guess how much i weight bc i felt like it was too much larger than what i wanted. i stepped it on for a second days later and was proud that i did good. i’m home now and i’m still the same. same behavior. same mindset. more walking bc the house is way bigger than my apartment. there’s a scale by the kitchen, i assume to be packed up for the move, or thrown out, idk. but i was like yess when i saw it and weight myself. i was about the same weight i was at the start of this - 6/7 pounds less than pre-quarantine. it’s so bad now that i find every time i enter or are near the kitchen i weight myself. my sister noticed my habit and went “do you ever eat??” as she always usually asks me what i had for breakfast and lunch and i either say nothing or i lie. my only meal should be dinner, i can survive till then. i searched about intermittent fasting and maybe i can do that all the time. i don’t really know when this will end bc i’m afraid. i cant seem to see the weight gone, especially from my face so i try harder. she made me 3 pancakes once and it was really good but i felt like i had to have less dinner now. or i needed to make it up that gain the next day. i went to my sister’s house where her and her friend cook meals and had the same thoughts of either ‘i want it all i cant stop’ then ‘i’m gonna have to do something tomorrow to get rid of this weight’. even though it was all super healthy. i’m better at hydrating and i’ve tried to be really hard since i don’t normally enter the kitchen(s) until dinner so the intake is typically super low. i deleted the reminder app look away. idk why i’m so insecure that it’s embarrassing to even admit. i was at the neurologist and the paper said how is your diet? fair or poor? i shifted between the two for so long and i checked fair bc i know i don’t have an eating disorder you know? i just eat differently. it’s like fasting. though some tiny part of me knows it’s wrong. but even when i’m not looking in the mirror i’m conscious of all the fat on me and i want it gone. i watch pictures and videos of people closely and exercise my jaw acting like that will make it all more chiseled. i’ve always been !! about my thighs even though they’re always praised too. i look at my stomach a lot, stretch it out, suck it in. i don’t know if it’s something noteworthy to even mention, if it’s such a big problem or it’s normal. if i’ll get over it or keep it up with substitutes. i don’t know.

i’ve lost 11 pounds now since the start and i want to make it 15 so badly. 

#asiya's thoughts #probs so many typos i dont wanna proof rn