#but his mother's words have hurt him so deeply that he can't actually verbalize that. he can't say 'i was just a boy. it's not my fault'

[i-dreamed-i-had-a-son]

Marc sobbing, "I was just a boy," and Steven telling him afterward, "You were just a child." Marc desperately trying to believe it wasn't his fault, silently asking, hidden behind his words, "Is she right?", pleading, "Someone please tell me it's not my fault," and Steven answering that and telling him, "Those horrible things she said to you--they're not true. It wasn't your fault."

Marc and Steven both grieving that Marc lost his childhood, too, swallowed up by hatred and abuse. The other unspoken question, "I was just a boy. How could you do this to me?"

#marvel #moon knight spoilers #moon knight #marc spector #steven grant #meta #my meta posts #quality meta seal of approval #not to hype my own post up i just put that on all meta posts so that i can find them #kay can i just catch my breath for a second #tw abuse mention #like marc is trying to assert that it couldn't have been his fault--he was so young--it couldn't have been-- #but his mother's words have hurt him so deeply that he can't actually verbalize that. he can't say 'i was just a boy. it's not my fault' #because deep down he doesn't fully believe that. he's heard he's to blame so many times that now it's just a desperate unspoken plea #and he needs someone else to tell him it's not his fault because it's all he's ever heard. he just needs someone to stand up for him #and the simultaneous meaning of it as a deep pain over being hurt so much so young #he was just a boy when the abuse began #but he'll never be able to fully heal from that. he's been changed and scarred too much #it's the pain of a child asking 'why don't you love me?' and the mourning of who he used to be #...so yeah when i say this episode devastated me...i meant it #there's so much meaning in just those five words. #kay has a party in the tags

[thebluelemontree]

I ship sansan but I have to disagree with you. Forcing someone to sing with at a dagger point can't be downplayed as being "too uncompromising and overly harsh". She was scared for her life. Yes, he walked away but I don't want to imagine what would have happened if it wasn't for the Mother's hymn. Sandor is verbally and physically abusive to Sansa. She tries to justify his action and she understands his motives, but that's not an excuse.

Hi, anon.  When I said “too uncompromising and overly harsh” I really was speaking more in general to their verbal interactions.  For the purpose of answering an ask about why I ship Sansan, if I got really specific into every nuance of every interaction it would be a ridiculously long post.  I already have a penchant for the long-winded as you can see.  I was trying to summarize, not minimize.

The Blackwater was an entirely different animal, which I’ll get into later.  I don’t excuse or minimize his bad behavior, but I do put it into context.   I do look at his intention behind his words and actions as a factor in deciding whether or not he is redeemable or worthy of a future relationship with her.  That doesn’t negate his responsibility, but it does make me consider him more carefully than I would Joffrey or Cersei who truly intend to cause Sansa pain and want to see her suffer.      

He is uncompromising in his demand to drop the courtesy and speak plainly with him.  He goads her to drop the mask with him and demands she always look him in the face.  He cannot abide any fakeness.  He’s frustrated with her idealism and wants to crush it for her own good.  At the same time, he identifies with it and he deep down wants to believe she’s right.  It’s part of that craving of a connection with another person, but going about it by being nasty and demanding.  He has no reference of how to people and how to ask for things from another person the right way.  His whole life has been spent trying to avoid vulnerability because the last time that happened his brother held his face in a fire.  She is a person who is willing to give him compassion, but he needs to learn the concept of asking nicely with respect.  And thank GRRM that he made it Elder Brother’s job to fix him, not Sansa’s.    

Now on Sansa’s side of things, she is at times superficially averse to him and courtesy can be taken to the point of fakeness.  I can understand his frustration, especially after he risked his life to save her in the bread riots and she neglected to thank him until she just happened to run into him some days later.  She didn’t seek him out and she knows she fucked up.  Her gratitude came off as lukewarm.  Think she would’ve hesitated if it was Ser Loras that had saved her?  Hell no.  Sandor knows that and he has the right to be pissy, but not to the level of meanness.  Unlike Joffrey, Cersei, and LF, Sansa does feel she can call him out on his bad behavior.  She does flat out call him awful, as she should.  The fact that she instinctively knows that most of his behavior is posturing and bullshit allows her to challenge him without fear that he would truly hurt her.  She even wishes Dontos had some of his ferocity.  There’s still things she likes about his bite, so long as it doesn’t go too far into disrespect.   

I do understand courtesy is her only shield to mitigate her abuse and I fully support her using whatever tools she has.  The thing is Sansa has been positively reinforced to conform to a perfect lady on a pedestal.  How well a person can sew or play the bells does not make a real flesh and blood human.  That’s not her personality, it’s a performance.  She has always tried to win people’s approval by performing and conforming.  Sandor is the first person to challenge her on that conception of herself.  Does Sansa even know herself beyond the superficial?  She says she wants to be loved for herself and Sandor is the only one that tried to get at and bring out the authentic Sansa (in his fucked up way).  Yes, he called her a stupid talking bird which counts as abusive language she really didn’t need, but if we’re being honest, she is a willfully tough nut to crack as much as he is.  But that’s the very interesting push and pull of their dynamic.  The dynamic is difficult, unpleasant at times, and problematic, but also punctuated with moments of gentleness and compassion.  Their issues are very significant, but not insurmountable and not irredeemable.  So while Sandor has said and done things that we would rate as abusive, we can still say he’s not part and parcel an abuser without excusing or minimizing anything.          

Okay, as for the Blackwater I did say his behavior was very scary and wildly inappropriate.  She was justified in fearing for her life because he was so drunk and unstable.  Here’s the thing and I swear to you I am not minimizing or excusing his actions, but the Blackwater was not his normal self. If he was normally explosively volatile there is no way that he would ever be allowed so close to the royal family, especially the children.  He is usually very in control of himself, despite his anger and posturing.  I do put it into the context that he was having a PTSD meltdown, was called craven and humiliated, and his sense of self had been shattered.  BUT he had no right to dump any of that on a traumatized child.  He was 100% wrong in scaring the shit out of her or demanding anything of her, especially at knife point.  You are right that it is the hymn that snapped him out of it.  Made him see that what he was doing could have crossed the line into doing permanent harm, something he truly does not want to do.  He was rightly and deeply ashamed of himself, hence why he cast off the white cloak.  He wasn’t worthy of it.  I don’t think there’s anyone harder on Sandor than Sandor.  If he had even knicked her skin I think he would have just let the BwB kill him or drink himself to death, which it looked like he was already doing before they captured him.

Sansa forgives him as soon as she has the space to do so, but I don’t see her as excusing or justifying.  The two aren’t the same thing.  The latter implies that she thinks what he did wasn’t that bad or was somehow okay.  She has a very brief pause over her decision not to go, but there’s no sense of regret over her decision.  She knows he fucked up too and she’s not soft on what he actually did.  She’s just looking at the whole picture from a less emotionally charged place and considering everything she knows about him.  With time and space, she can put those events into context and understand why that event was singular.  It’s why she can forgive and continue to think about him, even eroticize him.  If it truly wasn’t a unique event, there’s no way I could ship it.     

Whew!  Sorry, I am the queen of over explaining.  Hope that clears things up.              

#sansan #sansa stark #sandor clegane #sansan meta