#but at the same time it's like... i can't envision myself being happy with this

[nattaphum]

CHIC MAGAZINE INTERVIEW

Hazy and soft veil curtains, classic and exquisite carved wooden walls, and complicated and gorgeous crystal chandeliers, in the space where we finished shooting, the extremely quiet atmosphere brings the illusion of time slowing down or even stagnating. Mile and Apo are in it, and the camera freezes their unique sense of story—either in the grotesque, or in the smog, they lean on each other, their eyes are intertwined, or they are thinking about each other.

Both of them admitted that they have accumulated a wealth of experience from the filming of "KinnPorsche The Series", not only learned new skills in action scenes, but also improved their performance and communication skills. In Apo’s view, he and Porsche grew up together, “Being in this drama made me understand myself better”

With the "popularity" of the series, the work schedules of the two have also become more intensive, and more and more freshness and excitement have been injected into their originally peaceful life. Mile said: "Because of this series, I knew a lot of people. New friends and most importantly i met lovely fans from all over the world, I never thought we would have so many fans supporting us everywhere we go."

Mile and Apo have also bid farewell to the characters Kinn and Porsche and started a new journey - they are performing and filming the movie "Man Suang" together. "Man Suang" will meet with the audience this summer. Apo chose this character and the story because he wanted to try traditional Thai dance, "Thai dance does not need to use words but to express and communicate with body. In fact, everyone now, when you mention Thailand, will first think of tourism and food. Traditional culture is gradually disappearing, we want to take this opportunity to contribute a little bit to Thai culture, so that the whole world can understand the ancient culture of Thailand”.

"If the two of you will cooperate again, what kind of story do you hope to interpret?" Mile and Apo gave the same answer — "acting in a ghost movie". Apo's reason is frank and simple, "Because this is Mile's dream, he really likes it, and he will be happier if his dream comes true!" Mile described the story he envisioned in more detail. “I think it would be really interesting that we each have our own tasks to accomplish, and we can't possess each other."

CHIC: What was your vision of Kinn before you starred in "KinnPorsche The Series"? Is Mile's Kinn as good as you imagined?

Apo: I thought Kinn and I were partly similar, so I was not sure what Kinn would look like. On the day of the interview, the staff did not tell me who interviewed for which role. But I was very happy when they announced that Kinn was going to be played by Mile. In fact, we met ten years before. I think his appearance and personality are very similar to Kinn, which suits him very well.

CHIC: How well do you bond with Mile? On a scale from 1 to 10?

Apo: Full 10 points, because we work together every day and hang out when we are not working, so we are very close.

CHIC: In your eyes, what kind of person is Mile? What are his strengths?

Apo: In my eyes, Mile is a cute and lovely person, and he is also very humorous. His advantage is that he is very kind to everyone, so everyone will feel relaxed and comfortable with him. I also learned to be kind from him.

CHIC: What was your imagination of Porsche before you starred in "KinnPorsche The Series"? What is the difference between the Porsche performed by Apo and your imagination?

Mile: Originally, I thought Apo was a very quiet person. However, if Apo is compared with Porsche, they are very similar, so he is also very good when playing Porsche. The most similar thing between the two of them is that they are very brave, and they are also very similar in some details.

CHIC: What is the level of relationship between you and Apo? How would you rate it from 1 to 10?

Mile: This score will fluctuate, but the average should be 8.5-9.5. This fluctuation is due to my own reasons. Sometimes outside of work, I need to re-understand Apo. For example, when shooting, I will see the other side of Apo. We have a tacit understanding at work. Secondly, when we go shopping, we also choose things with similar styles, but Apo prefers to be more colorful.

CHIC: In your eyes, what kind of person is Apo? What is his greatest strength?

Mile: Apo looks like a horse to me. If some people are unfamiliar with horses and don't know how to get in touch with it, they may be kicked out. But if you know how to get in touch with it, the horse will be quiet and take you to a very interesting place. Speaking of Apo's strengths, whether it is work or life, he is very energetic, and seeing him can also increase your vitality. And Apo pays special attention to details in everything, and often shares good ideas.

CHIC: What is your favorite movie or series?

Apo: In terms of movies, I like “Before sunrise, Before sunset, Before midnight”. This is the same series of stories, the plots are connected by dialogues. I think the person who wrote this script is very good, because it is necessary to understand the characters well enough to allow the audience to immerse themselves in the protagonist's story through dialogues. If it is a TV series, I like the suspense detective type.

Mile: I prefer suspenseful detective dramas. I like the ones that are neither black nor white, so that you can't guess what will happen to the characters in the follow-up, which is more realistic. I just finished watching Dark Glory recently.

CHIC: Regarding the leisure life outside of work, what are the top 3 things that make you happiest?

Mile: First, playing the guitar. Second, knowing myself can make me happier, because if I know myself well, I don't have to change myself because of what others think. Third, being with my family, whether I lose myself or encounter difficulties, home is always the safest and most comfortable place.

Apo: First, enjoying nature, such as hiking, boating, walking by the sea, etc. Second, meditating. Third, being with optimistic people, this kind of person is really rare.

CHIC: If you were traveling by car with your partner, where would you like to go? Why?

Apo: I want to take him to Alaska or Greenland, Ireland, etc., because Mile likes to drive, I like to see the scenery, everything is just right.

Mile: I want to take Apo to Zhangjiajie, I think Apo will like it very much, the scenery there is very beautiful. It happened to be foggy when I went, just like being in a movie. Although the road was a bit difficult, it was really interesting to look down from a high place. I also went to Fenghuang, and every scenery in front of me was like a picture in a magazine. They were all very beautiful, and the color of the water was also very beautiful. China really has too many landscapes that cannot be seen in other places, and there are also cuisines that are completely different from Thailand.

#translated by me with automatic translation #LOVELY LOVELY LOVELY INTERVIEW #❤️ #kinnporsche #mileapo #mileapo x chic

[hornyforherbert]

I Just Wanna Be With You ✧

WC: 938

CW: Fluff, Kissing

Pairing: Sam X Female Reader (Y/n)

A/N: To the anon who requested, I hope you love this and it’s what you envisioned! Thank you for requesting.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own the Cincinnati Bengals or Sam Hubbard and I am NOT affiliated with either of them in any way. This is simply fiction! Enjoy reading.

As I stepped into Sam's house, the scent of cinnamon and vanilla filled the air. The cozy atmosphere made me feel at home, even though I'd been here countless times before. Sam and I had been best friends for years, spending lazy offseason Sundays watching movies and sharing secrets.

"Hey, Y/n," Sam greeted me with a warm smile, his eyes shining with genuine affection. It was moments like this that made me wonder if there could be something more between us.

"Hey, Sam," I replied, feeling my heart flutter at the sight of him. His tousled brown hair and easy smile never failed to make my stomach do somersaults.

"I made your favorite, chocolate chip cookies," Sam said, gesturing towards the kitchen where a plate of freshly baked treats sat on the counter. He always knew how to make me feel special.

"You're the best, Sam," I beamed, walking over to grab a cookie. The warm, gooey chocolate melted in my mouth, and I couldn't help but let out a content hum.

"So, what movie are we watching tonight?" I asked, settling onto the couch next to Sam. His presence was comforting, familiar, and yet tonight, it felt different.

"I was thinking we could watch that rom-com you love so much," Sam suggested, his eyes meeting mine. I could see a hint of something more in his gaze, a spark that hadn't been there before.

"Sounds perfect," I replied, trying to push away the sudden rush of emotions welling up inside me. Sam was my best friend, my confidant, but lately, I couldn't shake the feeling that he was something more.

As the movie played on the screen, I found myself stealing glances at Sam, noticing the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed and how his hand brushed against mine innocently.

"Y/n," Sam's voice interrupted my thoughts, bringing my focus back to him. "There's something I need to tell you."

My heart pounded in my chest as I turned towards him, wondering what could be on his mind. "What is it, Sam?"

Sam took a deep breath, his gaze unwavering. "I know we've always been friends, but lately, I've been feeling something more. I've been wanting to tell you for so long..."

My breath caught in my throat as I listened to Sam's words. Could it be that he felt the same way I did? Was this the moment I had been waiting for?

"Y/n, I just wanna be with you," Sam finally confessed, his voice raw with emotion. And in that moment, everything fell into place. It was as if all the pieces of our friendship had been leading to this.

"Sam," I whispered, tears brimming in my eyes. "I've been feeling the same way. I just didn't know how to say it."

Without another word, Sam cupped my face in his hands and brought his lips to mine in a tender, sweet kiss. It was everything I had ever dreamed of and more.

The world fell away as we lost ourselves in each other, finally crossing that invisible line from friends to something deeper, something more. The love that had always been there blossomed into something beautiful and undeniable.

From that moment on, Sam and I were inseparable. Our days were filled with laughter, inside jokes, and stolen glances that spoke volumes without any words.

"I can't believe this is real," I sighed one sunny afternoon as we lounged in Sam's backyard, the smell of fresh-cut grass mingling with his cologne.

Sam wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close. "It's as real as it gets, Y/n. You and me, together."

The happiness that bubbled inside me was overwhelming, a warmth that spread from my heart to every corner of my being. Sam was my rock, my partner, my everything.

"I have something to show you," Sam said suddenly, a mischievous glint in his eye. He led me to his garage, where a makeshift painting easel stood in the middle.

"What's this?" I asked, intrigued by the unexpected surprise. Sam had always been full of surprises, but this was a new level of creativity.

"Close your eyes," Sam instructed, a grin tugging at the corners of his lips. I obeyed, feeling a mix of anticipation and excitement building inside me.

When Sam finally allowed me to open my eyes, I gasped in awe at the sight before me. On the canvas was a painting of us, laughing under a cherry blossom tree, the colors vibrant and alive.

"Sam, this is amazing," I breathed, feeling a surge of emotion well up inside me. His talent never failed to impress me, but this was different. It was us, immortalized in a moment of pure joy.

Sam wrapped his arms around me from behind, resting his chin on my shoulder. "I wanted to capture our love, our happiness, in a way that words never could."

And in that moment, as we stood surrounded by the beauty of his creation, I knew that Sam was more than just my best friend. He was my soulmate, my true love.

As the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, our love only grew stronger. We faced challenges together, laughed together, and found solace in each other's arms.

"I can't imagine my life without you, Y/n," Sam whispered one night as we lay tangled in bedsheets, the silver moonlight casting a soft glow over our entwined bodies.

I pressed a kiss to his chest, feeling the steady rhythm of his heartbeat beneath my lips. "I never want to be without you, Sam. You're my everything."

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed!

Please do NOT repost/copy my writing without asking first and getting permission from me. (Reblogs are fine and are incredibly appreciated!)

#nfl imagine #nfl #bengals #bengals imagine #cincinnati bengals imagines #nfl fanfic #nfl fanfiction #nfl rpf #rpf #sam hubbard fanfic #sam hubbard #sam hubbard x reader

[starstruck-cupid]

The Sweater

Part 6 of Unnamed Charlie fic. Final part

Kirby x reader at end

(edit: name change. Formerly unnamed)

A/n: I hope this is an okay ending. It isn't what I envisioned but I suppose it's close. This is the finally part of the Charlie x reader. I'm thinking of doing a continuation with Kirby x reader set in the 6th movie.

TW: mentions of stabbing, harm towards reader, smoking. I think that's it?

///////////////////////////////////////////<3//////////////////////////////////////////

After a few minutes, I go to find Charlie. Waking up the stairs, I call him, Jill, and Trevor. No answer. Finally I find a bathroom. I walk in, crack the door, and light a cigarette. Analyzing myself in the mirror, I don't realize Charlie is behind me. I feel a hand on my back. It makes me jump and I look up.

"Oh, hi"

He doesn't say anything. He grabs the cigarette and puts it out using the sink faucet. I turn to face him.

"Are you okay?" He's making me anxious.

Still no answer. The look in his eyes is unrecognizable. It's empty but loving at the same time.

"I'm sorry, bunny." His eyes may not be genuine but his words are. "I don't have any other choice. If I don't do it, if I don't make it easy and painless, she will, and she won't be nice."

"Charlie, what are you-" I feel a sharp pain in my stomach. His arms wrap around me

What's happening?

It hurts. Everything hurts. Everything is spinning. I look down.

He stabbed me?

"Char?" Looking at his face, my eyes welled up with tears. "I-" I can't get it out. Everything hurts. My lungs are burning.

"Shhh. Don't say anything. It'll be over soon, princess."

I can't stand anymore. I slowly start to slip down to the floor. Charlie keeps a firm grip on me the whole time, making sure my fall is calculated.

"I loved you" I finally managed to get it out. The thing I've been trying to tell him for days. I finally worked up the courage to do it today, and he stabbed me.

It's almost like I can see his heart break through his eyes.

"It had to happen this way." Not even an I love you too.

I can feel tears sliding down my face as I see Charlie reach into my bag. I didn't realize he had it. Pulling out my walkman, putting in my favorite cassette, he places the earbuds in my ears.

I hear Jill call out his name. I don't have the energy to tell her to run. He didn't say anything else. He just leaves. I don't have have the energy to cry

I don't know how long I sat there. I know 5 songs played. Sometime during the 5th, a police officer walked into the bathroom, gun drawn. Realizing it was just me. She quickly puts the gun down and rushes to me.

I don't remember what happened after that.

I woke up in a hospital. Kirby in a wheel chair next to my bed.

"How'd you get here?" I ask her with a weak voice.

"I snuck over." She said with a smile.

"He got you too?" The thought of Charlie being behind all of this makes me tear up again.

Kirby weakly sits up, needing against the side of my bed.

"Yeah." She said sadly, wiping the tears away from my eyes. It was the first time I've heard her anything but happy.

"Will you lay with me?" She nods, pushing down the assistant rails. I sit up a bit, helping her climb into my bed. For a while we lay there, wrapped in each other's arms.

~2 month time skip~

Everything was back to normal. At least for the rest of Woodsboro. For me and Kirby, it wasn't. We were recovering, but it was slow. All of our friends were dead and it was our friends who did it. I'm not sure if we'll ever be completely normal again. But we have each other.

I'm not sure what we are, but we've grown very close. We're planning to move in together once high school is over. We're getting as far away as we can. She decided she wants to join the FBI. I fully support her and I'm willing to go wherever she needs me.

For one in my life, I am both content and calm at the same time. I'm not sure if I'm happy, but one day I will be.

#charlie walker #charlie walker x reader #kirby reed x reader #kirby reed

[butmakeitgayblog]

Loving all the #awtr synopses! Thank you for indulging us 🥰 Would you be able to share one of the 365 letters that Lexa wrote to Clarke in the care package? Maybe one of those letters that Clarke return to over and over again?

You are a glutton for punishment

I like you 😈

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Dearest,

Each letter I start feels so awkward in the beginning. As though the blank page itself were mocking me. All bumbling sentences and half-formed thoughts vying for my attention, because how does one get to the point when there's so many things between us left to say? A lifetime worth of words live on the point of this pen, all yearning and jumbled in their haste to be written first. Each one wanting nothing more than to jump right into the thick of it; into the thick of being part of a lifetime with you.

And yet here I sit, struggling with exactly where to start.

I suppose I could begin with the most mundane part of this idea: the actual point of this letter. Forcing myself to tackle the 'why' of the whole reason you picked this one in particular sounds like the smart move here... Assuming, of course, you didn't tear through them all the first second you got... *wifely sigh* If that is the case, don't feel too bad. Your lack of patience is, bafflingly, one of the many things I love so fiercely about you.

You're 30 today.

30!

My wife is 30. I love hearing how that sounds. The thought alone makes my heart skip a beat. (In a decidedly joyous way, I assure you, as it so often does whenever you wander yourself across my mind.) You're 30 now. An honest God adult in every measure, and truthfully that blows my mind because I still vividly remember seeing you for the first time when we were only children. It was drizzling and you'd crashed into me on the playground while running, and I—

Well, you've heard this story enough times before, but my point remains.

You're sleeping peacefully as I write this. Safe and warm in my bed. Tucked to me so tight I can barely hold the pen well enough to get these words out, and yet all I can envision when I look over and see the youth of your face is who you will be when this letter reaches you.

Know, in every version of 'you' my brain tirelessly cooks up, you are as beautiful then as you are right now. If not more so.

I envision that same smile, with those lips that sweeten my dreams, nestled in the crest of newly discovered laugh lines. I see the kindness of your eyes in every universe, my love. The way those same stubborn and fierce blues that take my breath away hold a depth of wisdom far beyond your (30!!) years. You told me once how you hated your beauty mark as a kid, but my goodness, the things I do to wrap my lips around it. Believe it or not, I secretly have impeccable aim. Stop laughing, I do. It's just too tempting. I can't even begin to resist. And your chin! Your wonderul chin, that was surely made to hold my thumb so perfectly each time I kiss you. I imagine it's somewhat sharper now. More refined. More dignified.

Tell me, love. Does it hold another's thumb now?

It should. It deserves to be cherished.

I find myself so often in these quiet moments before sleep thinking of who you are - who you will be - at these stages of your life. And while I know in my heart I'll be right there with you when these times come, smiling and cheering you on along the way, for now, I am left woefully guessing.

I write this all to say: I hope you are happy. I hope you have a life filled with more love than you know what to do with. I hope it makes you feel even a tenth as timeless as your love made me feel. Being loved by you is a miraculous thing in that way.

It's funny, as I've written these letters, I already feel as though I've lived an entire lifetime with you. And even then, it's still not enough. In the earlier ones I worried so much, as I'm sure you remember (again, that's assuming you actually followed the directions for a change and didn't binge them all at once), but I find myself writing this one in particular entirely calm. Make no mistake, I still feel the urge to dote on you. To fuss at you as I do with questions of 'have you drank enough today? Eaten enough? Take a nap with me, dear. You never seem to get enough sleep.' I will always worry about these things no matter where we are in the universe. But understand, love, it's only because I wish to take care of you.

Not that you need it. You've never needed me to take care of you, but I'm so very grateful you let me try all the same.

You're gonna do great things, Griffin. I already know it, but for posterity's sake, I'll write it just to have one final 'told ya so' moment with you. I hope your life is so damn big now that you look back on the walls of this room that held our love in its sanctuary, and it impresses you how we managed to fit the both of us in here along with it. I hope with each dream you accomplish, it's replaced only by what great thing comes next for you. Because while the world is cold and terrifying and beats us down in so many ways, I know you, my darling girl. I know you're the one who can always best it.

I love you, Clarke. I've loved you since before I knew I could have you, and I'm going to love you long after I'm gone. I hope I made you know that in the time we had together, well enough to last this lifetime and into the next. I'll be here, love. Patiently waiting for you to crash into me again.

Wherever you are in this moment, know that I am so proud of the woman you've become. I want you to spend every last second of today celebrating the wonderful, stubborn, charming, passionate, fearless, tender person you are.

Don't ever let that fire inside of you die. I couldn't bear it. The world needs more people like you.

Lord knows I sure did.

Thank you for teaching me what selfless love is. Loving you made me a better person. And I'd like to think I played at least a little part in helping you become who you are too. So celebrate today. And every single day after. I mean it. You deserve it.

Until we meet again,

- Lexa

P.s. Have a whiskey sour for me 🖤

#anon #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis

[r1ddly]

Hm.

I've been having a thought recently, and seeing someone else talk about their own thought that's similar to mine makes me wanna talk about mine. I'm sure people go through this but I thought id ask anyway- has anyone ever gone through a phase in art where you just aren't happy but you aren't necessarily upset either? Like you don't feel anything during the process except maybe tired or loss and while the end result is digestible its not anything you deem as good in some way? Like for me I feel like all my art looks the same, and it's stiff and un detailed and it never turns to what I envision in my head. It's not like I can't draw, I can, I'm just never happy with it but I'm not like extremely upset either. I'm more upset with myself.

I don't know why, but it's been taking a lot of effort to draw recently- like physically? (And of course mentally) like I feel so stiff, sometimes I struggle to even compose a simple sketch and it takes so long I feel a bit sore. Nothing feels right anymore and I'm unsure what to do- I don't understand what I did wrong <:[

And it's frustrating cause I know how to get better, I've studied, practiced, and drawn everyday- I've done it and I don't know.. it never seems to click for me, I don't go too far. And I don't know- part of me wants to maybe just give up? I don't want too at all but I don't know. I don't know what I should do.

I don't mean to be that guy but I've been drawing for a long time, ever since I was in kindergarten or maybe a tad younger I was drawing a lot- I failed a lot of classes in middle school and high school cause all I ever did was draw and draw and dream away. I've always wanted to make something big artistically wise, like making a comic or a game or show- something, anything. I love creating things so much and consuming fiction,, but I don't know maybe I've reached my limit.

I'm sorry I only ever make text posts and I never draw here or ever and I'm sorry I can't keep my promises. It's not fair to you. I'm not a good blogger. I just wanna post things that I'm proud of and not feel confined or anything! I still feel like I'm being watched by something I don't know what or if I'm just paranoid. I don't know.

And again sorry fr the little vent, I didn't really mean to get emotional, you're not obligated to respond or anything. Thank you for reading.

#vent

[lupismaris]

It's the final day of my 20s and I found myself answering, as expected, the question "how's it feel?" rather a lot, asked most by my older colleagues, especially when they realized this is technically a big milestone birthday

The trouble is it's not a milestone birthday for me in the same sense.

24 was a milestone, it was supposed to be a diagnosis, an omen, the tidings of the end.

25 was a milestone, the final bell, last call, the closing of the doors. I can remember standing in a freezing Times Square at midnight while bf ordered our pizza waiting for an act of god, hoping it would sound as loving as a bartender calling out the last round of the night or a mother switching on the porch light for wandering kids to come home.

26-29 weren't milestones so much as baffling confusing years left to my own devices waiting for the cosmic powers that be to realize they'd miscounted and the hunt would snatch me up at some point or another to set the scales right. Somewhere along the way I stopped thinking that and started thinking instead that I might as well make use of whatever time I'd manage to steal before someone notices. Then it shifted to "how does one build a life out of borrowed time, especially when life after 25 never existed as a possibility?"

Now 30 comes, and I'm being asked on the last day of my 20s, how I'm feeling, by people who were terrified of aging, terrified of losing that chapter of their lives, and I told them honestly, as un-depressingly as possible, that 30 feels a bit like coming up for air. I never thought I'd see it, but here it is and I'm waiting to breathe deep.

I swim a lot, whenever I can, the colder the water the better, and there's a moment when you've pushed too hard and held on too long and you see the surface above you with the light cresting and shimmering in the dark as your muscles seize and your lungs shudder under your ribs and you push for those last few inches until you break through for air, gasping, wrenching breathes without grace or dignity, reborn each time, raw and desperate and violently alive- only to do it again a few minutes later, joyfully.

That's what this feels like.

There's no running away this year, no fleeing as far from this makeshift home as possible. There's no self deprecation or deprivation or spreading ourselves too thin. Hell, I have a shrink appointment in twenty minutes, I'm asking for med refills and sleeping meds finally after fighting it for years. I have an ultrasound a week after Christmas. Nothing changes really. But I'm surrounded by people who showed up when I offered a place to come and be together, offered a meal and a bit of love. I have you all here in the void. I have enough to keep the cats fed and medication in the cabinet and food on the table. I have partners who love me even with the distance. Despite it all I'm happy, I think for the first time I am happy, debt, illness and all.

Here's to 30.

Here's to you, to me, to coming up for air.

And here's to the queers who can't envision life past 16, 18, 21, 25- we build our own lives. Sometimes it's entirely out of scraps. It will never look quite like you picture it. But there will hopefully come a moment, be it soft and subtle or a jazz band chorus, when you realize you are loved and the world lies at your feet. The smallest step makes it possible, even just waking up tomorrow counts.

I love you all so very much. Thank you for sticking with me the last decade 💕

Here's to 30 🥂

All my love xxoo

James Maren

#it's Jamie! #death tw #just in case #its been a strange day ngl #im anxiously awaiting that act of god again but like- more in a Christmas carol sense #its like im gonna turn a corner and see ghosts waiting to have dinner and ring in 30 with me like old friends

[chaoticgoodthief]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 5 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers :D

Ok, spent a bit trying to figure how to answer this but here we go!

Creative writing! I love to make stories and exploring new ideas for my favourite fandoms! I have a strong prefence for adding more depth and trauma happy-go-lucky characters. I feel like the idea of someone who has struggled and still chooses to see the good in the world just means more to.me than someone who is Just Happy. I also tend to enjoy the endless possibilites of alternate universes! It's just so much fun to think of how one change or two changes could completely rewrite a story! My favourite pairing is opposites attracting, just because I feel like it adds both a conflict and a beauty to relationships that wouldn't exist in a more like-minded pair of people.

Music! Ties heavily into my writing, but I enjoy it on its own as well. Often I find myself listening to the same song over and over, envisioning that One Scene in my head and getting a better understanding of what mood I want it to be based on the song's lyrics or general vibe. However, I also just really enjoy using it as a motivational tool to help encourage myself through mudane tasks and noisy environments.

Gift giving! I adore being able to give gifts to people I care about. It just helps me express my feelings in a way that words often fail me. I do often worry over the getting the Right Gift because of it, expecially with people with very few wants or needs, but the knowledge that my gift has brought someone joy is always worth it. I can't wait for the day that I earn enough to give others gifts more often than just the Designated Gift Times.

Reading! Even though I've found myself reading fewer and fewer books lately, I still love the act of sitting down and enjoying a good story. I'm personally a fantasy lover at heart, and rather picky about my books, but get me hooked and I would read the whole thing in a single sitting if I could

Recieving praise/thanks. I guess this could be said about anyone, but I feel llike this really is a big thing for me. I like knowing that I have made someone happy. I like knowing when something I've created has had impact on someone else. I don't really ... push for it since I know that I personally am also very horrible at praising other people's work (hahaha social anxiety go brrrr) but I just... really enjoy it when it happens!

#answered #ask game #this was a bit harder than I expected but I really enjoyed it #so sorry for the late response

[sarcasticallyinclined]

it is always funny when my dad is like "you always have a place with me and im sure your mom would say the same" and it's like...

1. thanks but i will not be living with you again if i can help it because you cannot keep your goddamn mouth shut about what i eat even when i don't live with you and

2. said mom literally went ok so i know you're deeply depressed with a useless degree and no transportation and we're a few months into a global pandemic and nowhere is safe and everything is uncertain BUT if you don't magically get a job in a month you are not allowed to live here anymore because i just don't think you're really making an effort to take advantage of the non-existent job market and I do not give one shit if you have multiple disorders working against you and I will NOT make any effort to understand

and then kicked me out at the end of the month with zero remorse to go live with my dad as a punishment (which would have genuinely been fine if it weren't explicitly "you are a failure and i don't want you in my house anymore")

and then in the face of my dad (supposedly) imminently moving hundreds of miles away, when I worked with my therapist and spent hours writing a letter asking to move back in and suggesting how we could maybe try to fix our fucked up broken relationship and how I was doing better with medication changes and I even had a remote part time job but it made nowhere enough to live on,

she ignored the entire part about "I am emailing this to you because our in person conversations have been stressful and unproductive and i can't get to everything i want to say because i start crying so can you email me back" and said no let's discuss this in person

and then once we had a stressful unproductive conversation yet again she handed me a letter she had for some reason typed up and printed out

about how no i was not allowed to move back in even if i at the time had no other options lined up and not enough money for anything because she said when I lived there my vibes were too bad from me being idk suicidally depressed and unable to envision a future for myself while millions of people were dying from something with no cure and that was bumming her out to be around

and quoted some shit that was clearly lifted from shitty facebook articles about cutting out toxic friends in your life which were certainly not meant for parents to apply to their own fucking children

and I could fucking frame that letter as the Worst Shit She Has Ever Fucking Said To Me

so no dad, i actually don't think my mom would or will ever say i always have a place with her again

but it sure is convenient how you both like to forget this ever happened and we're all a happy loving supportive family and nothing bad has ever happened

i sure am glad my mom is now the only family member within hundreds of miles and the only adult I have to rely on so that we can pretend every two weeks that we're a happy mother daughter duo and there isn't minimum thirteen years of bullshit she's happy to leave buried and never ever address

and i just have to personally live with all this shit and know that she will die before i ever get closure because any conversation about it would be exactly as unproductive as when the shit originally happened

because it's not like her feelings on anything have CHANGED, she just thinks im magically not depressed anymore and never will be again and it's not a chronic thing that i just know better than to ever ever mention or show because she's so fucking annoying about it and i don't trust her at all

life is great i love life and every adult who ever existed in my life during formative years definitely did not fail me

#anyway. #jess pretends to have a life #jots this down as things to have even more therapy about bc the hours i've already spent on it clearly weren't enough #in conclusion i don't think people should have kids. they're all bad at it. stop having children.

[apollo-cackling]

[You often see it claimed that] season 6 is pessimistic and I actually don't agree. It's heavy, harsh, and dark, but I believe at the end of the day that this is actually one of the most optimistic seasons the show has ever produced, which is why I want to close this discussion off by focusing a bit on the show's tone. It gets dark, [and] if you were put off by these darker tones and themes, I can't say I blame you, but in a way I think that's why the season works so well. Contrary to escapist or comfort media, which offers an easy refuge from real life struggles, season 6 embraces conflict and human imperfection. There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting your art to be comforting, of course, [...] but at least in my opinion, a lot of what bills itself as escapist comfort media does so because it asks us to specifically look away from life's problems. #notallescapism obviously, but there's this sentiment that's gained traction lately which posits that the creation and consumption of such media is almost a form of resistance itself, and I'm not personally fond of that. Being cozy or wholesome or whatever becomes almost a moral prescription. I know creators whose work has been categorized that way who hate it for that same reason. Jay Dragon, designer of the amazing ttrpg Wanderhome (you really should check it out) has talked about how their work being labelled as wholesome can not only often imply a sort of derision toward works that focus on pain, but can also create limiting expectations for their art. And indeed, I've increasingly seen works that like to categorize themselves as cozy or hopepunk not just as a way of self-labelling but as an implied condemnation of uncomfortable or darker fiction. There's this pervasive implication that focusing on darkness, [and/or] not using fiction as a way to envision a better world is in some way contributing to harm. It suggests that there's this inherent virtue in optimism and depicting coziness that surpasses all else. That's not to say critics of Buffy season 6 should be painted under this light, of course — not at all — but I do think season 6 is an excellent response to it. Season 6 confronts this ideology head on by presenting a narrative steeped in realism and darker themes. It doesn't just offer escape or easy answers, it challenges the viewer by illustrating the complexities of life with a starkness that's often uncomfortable. And at the end of the day, despite all the pain and tears it gives us what I think is actually an incredibly hopeful message: life is still worth living. I haven't dealt with the exact same things Buffy has — I didn't die and come back to life twice (it was just the one time for me) — but I have been in those times where nothing seems to be going right where I just watch my bank account go down and wonder if I'll have enough to make it through it all. I've dealt with struggling with my mental health in a way I don't feel like I can approach others with, even the people I love the most, out of fear for how they'll feel. I've engaged in self-destructive behavior to give myself a temporary boost in feeling, or just to feel it. All these are all things that I and probably a lot of you have been through, and it sucks and we all know it sucks, but here in Buffy there's catharsis, something that tells me life is hard: sometimes you will struggle with depression, you will struggle with money, your friends will be imperfect support systems, but life is still worth it. It resonates far more with me than something that tells me life is always awesome, and your friends are always going to be awesome and perfect, and so you should be happy with life. I know that isn't always true. If you're going to tell me to smile, I need to know you see me first. Season 6 sees me first. Dawn and Buffy pull each other out of their grave, Xander pulls Willow from the brink. It will be dark. We are still human. We should still live.

so I finally got around to watching the new sarah z video. it's. good.

#my rambles #youtube #quotes #also unrelated but they seem to have relaxed/loosened up a lot ever since they stopped using their main blog and I'm happy for them #their videos were always great but now they're hedging a lot less and being a lot more expressive and #idk I'm happy for them #...they probably won't see this but if they do uh. hey I love your videos sorry for being parasocial

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi, Charity! I’m not sure if it’s an intuitive (or having a 4 fix) thing, but what is the best way to deal with high expectations? I usually spend a huge amount of time idealizing experiences and their potential, but once they happen I can’t avoid feeling at least a little disappointed.

I think for any intuitive or anyone with a frustration core/wing, life is never quite wonderful enough. I relate. A couple of weeks ago, I planned an outing with two friends that I hoped would hit it off. I looked forward to it and expected to have fun and... it was not, and they did not (they disliked each other, lol), and then I was rather cross the next day because the fun I anticipated never materialized.

It's okay to think about things that are coming up and feel excited for them, but to try and set realistic expectations -- to catch yourself envisioning the perfect wonderful outcome and then asking if this is being realistic or not. The less time you spend envisioning things in your mind, the more of a chance reality has to be interesting. Try not to live it out in your imagination first too much or leap ahead in a relationship and fantasize about your futures together.

You can also remember that your response to a situation is optional. Instead of looking at it like "that wasn't amazing," ask what it has taught you or where you went wrong in envisioning it.

I see people simply enjoying things, appreciating moments for what they are, meanwhile I’m just frustrated.

Are you catching yourself being frustrated the minute it's happening? If so, take a beat. Take a breath. Get out of your mind and into your body. Be present in the moment. If you can't do that, change your thoughts. Look for something to be happy about in the moment. Look for the beauty in reality, the butterfly in the bushes, the way the light plays across your curtains. Make it a habit to challenge and alter your own thinking and look for something to rejoice in. It will seem stupid and awkward at first, and then get easier.

To worsen the situation, once the moment/special event is gone, I start to think about what could’ve been (“if it wasn’t raining that day, it would’ve been perfect”, “i should’ve gone with the flow instead of overthinking everything!”) and to idealize how next experience WILL be different (“I’m doing everything right next time!”),

Is there perfection to be found in the rain? Without rain, the earth would dry up and deprive us of its beauty and sustenance for life. It feeds the trees that create the oxygen we breathe.

Is there something wonderful in over-thinking? Or, can you learn next time to catch yourself over-thinking, take a breath, and decide to GO WITH THE FLOW? What if for one day you just said yes, and chose not to over-think? Would everything turn out surprisingly good?

What is the beauty in an imperfect experience? What joy could you find in it? Rather than idealizing next time, what was great about this time? Maybe it rained, but were the fries any good? Does the rain produce rainbows? The answer to impossible expectations is to learn to experience the joy out of an imperfect situation. Borrow some of the re-framing of 7 and choose to think about the situation, searching for something good instead. Make a practice of it.

but, when next time comes, I repeat the same process, searching for perfection when reality will never match the high expectations created by my own mind.

It's hard, I agree.

I can’t avoid feeling childish when talking to other people about this because they always say things like: “what did you expect? something out of the world, a fairytale?”, so I try to keep it to myself. It generates “are you not having fun?” questions, since I can’t pretend to feel something I’m not feeling (and I certainly expected to feel something very specific during that situation), but no one seems to fully understand what I wanted and, specially, why am I so upset (sometimes I even snap at people unnecessarily just because I’m frustrated).

You can't force yourself to feel things, unfortunately. So maybe just accept that whatever you are feeling is valid. That you are going to have off days. Learn to process these feelings and learn to put what you want into words and then think about whether they are realistic or not (realism -- I cannot control other people or what they do, I cannot control the weather, I cannot control my feelings or XYZ).

I find that writing things down helps me see what's possible and what's unrealistic thinking, in the same way journaling can diminish the level of "scare" present in fearful thoughts. Write down what you expect before an event and read it over. Sometimes how idealistic it is might leap out at you and shock you; and if nothing else, at least you will get your ideas/expectations clarified and less abstract.

If things disappoint you, dig into it. What did I want specifically from this interaction or experience? What I am searching for? Does it have a name or a shape or is it just that "... it wasn't THIS"?

I guess that it all comes from a desire to control things, to make all the puzzle pieces fit perfectly and exactly how you thought they would, but life doesn’t work that way and these situations only make me wish to stay in my own head even more, because “it’s better there anyway”. I know that I shouldn’t focus on the negative side of things, we’ve got to deal with reality even if we wish things were different. Is there anything that could make this easier, though? Thanks, I really appreciate your work and dedication to this blog!

Are you an INJ? If so, becoming more in touch with Se will help you -- learn to get in your body, focus on the world around you rather than in your mind, learn to see the beauty that exists in nature, etc. Real life is amazing, but you have to separate from your expectations in order to see the wonders it holds.

#question #mbti #intj #infj

[valaglarios]

rough drifter timeline/Fun Facts post about them and also a link compilation for myself so i can keep my inane thoughts about them in one place

the "original" drifter/alternate universe operator died on the zariman. drifter as we see them in duviri is a figment of their imagination borne out of their desire that they were strong enough to protect their loved ones on the zariman, which they then projected onto the "hero" from the actual tales of duviri book. more on that here, in the last pargraph; here; and here

drifter comes into existence and the inner conflict between their partial identity as both an extension of a real person and as a storybook character means that they have a huge identity crisis. having no memory of what their "place" in duviri is or where in the "real world" they came from, they just kind of start to ignore/block out all the freaky "dreams"/memories they have but can't make sense of. their identity as a "real" person sort of melts away and they become a living archetype like other duviri characters. thrax, absolutely shit scared of them discovering that they're The Hero who's supposed to "save" duviri from him, takes advantage of this to be like "don't you remember?? you're one of my courtiers!! haha please don't usurp me"

i think brimon still exists in this version of duviri -- there's no reason why there can't be more than one avatar of pride -- but where brimon embodies the sort of surface-level pride where, like, yeah he's a braggart and kind of obnoxious but that's really it, drifter is, as The Hero, that sort of "heroic" pride that's actually really isolating and self-destructive. they don't necessarily view themself as being above or inherently better than others -- instead they're an avid perfectionist, every little mistake they make eats away at them, they're adamant about doing everything Alone and they will refuse any semblance of help if it means literal death. this is what keeps them from accepting teshin's help for a long time, and finally learning that they do actually do need help and that they're not Bad for it is the first step in helping them break their spiral and become capable of growth

they're aware that it's weird that they're not blue (da ba dee) and will hide it while in public with makeup/just keeping their skin covered but they aren't remotely inclined to examine Why they're so weird. thrax uses this to emphasize that they need to stick together bc they're both weirdos

thrax in general is desperate to have drifter stick with him because 1) He Needs Control and knows that if anyone can take that from him, it's them, and 2) he recognizes that they're opposite sides of the same coin, that they're both extensions of the child who died on the zariman, and they're the only person he has left that he feels he can actually trust and relate to. i've discussed before that i think he feels responsible for drifter's happiness -- he's The Inner Child to drifter's Maladjusted Adult, he's the embodiment of the coping mechanisms they formed as a scared kid, and the idea of not being able to keep drifter happy, that they don't need him anymore and would do better without him, scares the fuck out of him. maybe i'll compile that whole rant in another post lol

also this

so thrax affords drifter a lot of dignity that he doesn't really give his other courtiers. he views them as more or less an equal while he considers the other courtiers as clearly beneath him/them.

drifter's role is basically to be his PR agent. this isn't explored a lot in canon, but i do envision that most of the courtiers had/have roles beyond just entertaining thrax: lodun, of course, is in charge of duviri's military force & is basically a cop; mathila, in this duviri, is his advisor for "peasant business" (keeps tabs on her island's trade & economy/crop yields/use of the land, organizes their tribute, etc); and drifter is a spy of sorts who does a number of odd jobs like political assassinations, doing a lot of propaganda work/damage control for thrax, stemming discontent among the peasantry before lodun has to come in and put the boot down, stuff like that. they're also sort of a supervisor to the other courtiers and keeps them all on track, enforces deadlines, etc.

i think drifter thinks that they're genuinely Doing Good in their job. at the end of the day, they're an embodiment of pride, and they're not going to admit to potentially being wrong easily. i think their rationale is that they do a lot of "little" harms (poisoning one or two malcontents) to prevent "big" harms from happening (thrax getting pissed and sending a wyrm in to destroy an entire island and everyone on it). i think they have a lot of love for the kingdom and believe that thrax does too. also, like, who else could they possibly install as monarch??? lodun??? absolutely fucking not.

i talked about this extensively in another post but drifter Does Not Fucking Like lodun. however they do end up befriending mathila, who is the only person in all of duviri who tolerates lodun, and i'm obsessed with the idea of mathila scruffing them both like they're kittens and putting them in a room together and telling them that they have to get along now Or Else.

and it works.

pretty much everything that happens in-game still applies to them... i haven't sorted out the rest of the stuff that leads up to the duviri paradox but obviously at some point they find out that thrax has been lying to them about Everything the whole time and they're like "hey what the fuck dude" and ditch him, and after a lot of bargaining to try to get them back thrax gets pissed and starts hunting them down. etc etc etc.

i think they probably actually spend a lot of time in duviri after the events of paradox bc like... that's their home and also they recognize that they owe it to the citizens to help build a better place to live, and help thrax grow, etc. a bit on that here

idc what DE says, drifter adopts thrax with their wife hombask and everyone in duviri gets to come live on the zariman before the void consumes them all and they all live happily ever after

a lil more about drifter and hombask here and here

#wfblogging #drifterblogging

[kerra-and-company]

OC Music prompt! All 6 for your newest kiddo (unless you've already done one for them in which case all 6 for Brook!) (@uselessidiotsquad)

Hmm. What if Both? :3 (And thus this post became Long asl;dkjfasdf) But thanks a bunch for the ask! Ever and Brook songs be upon ye!

Ever

1. backstory

The Newly Awakened (from the official LWS2 soundtrack)

This song isn't used in entirely its original context since Ever's not a Secondborn by a long shot--they awaken during LWS3--but the vibes of this track are very much early!Ever regardless, so they get this one.

2. personality

I'm just young enough to still believe, still believe But young enough not to know what to believe in Young enough not to know what to believe

If I can live through this If I can live through this If I can live through this I can do anything

(Champion by Fall Out Boy)

Ever is not that old but also not that young. It gets Fall Out Boy, which is appropriate because of both the lyrics and the vibes of this song--and, on a more personal level, it's close to the same (mental, at least, I was older than 6 lol) age I was when I found that group, so...yeah. There you go!

3. angst

I seem fine But I can't take the highs and the lows All I am is a weapon I shoot 'em down 'til I end up alone

I always say I hate the way you look at me now And I swear, I didn't mean to be a let down What I broke can't be fixed with all my sorry excuses, no

(weapon by Against The Current)

...presented without comment.

4. comfort

We are friends for life Hold that deep inside Let this be a drive To survive

And just stand, high and tall Make sure you give your all And if you ever fall Know that I'm right here

We'll always be together, don't you worry I'll always be by your side, don't you worry

(Always Be Together by Little Mix)

Ever desperately wants to believe this.

5. love life

Not applicable (yet!! that'll likely change :3)

6. fight scene

Countdown's on you best get moving I'm about to change the game Go ahead, try to outrun me It's all the same Ready or not

(Ready or Not by WAR*HALL)

Aaaand bonus Brook songs under the cut! :D

Brook

1. backstory

If you let me I could I'd show you how to build your fences Set restrictions, separate from the world The constant battle that you hate to fight Just blame the limelight Don't look up, just let them think There's no place else you'd rather be

(Fences by Paramore)

Growing up in the Ash fahrar with magic that even you don't understand is a Time, to say the least.

2. personality

So tired from the miles I'm traveling Getting lost somewhere that I haven't been When all the bad shit starts happening I ain't never throwing that towel in

There's a lion in the wardrobe And a wolf out the door I might never get to heaven But I've been there before

(Lion by Hearts & Colors)

I mentioned this on another post at some point, but Brook is very resilient in the specific kinda sense of "you cannot kill me in a way that matters". They will build some semblance of a life back from ashes and will slowly work towards being at least vaguely happy again, even if they can't ever fully get there.

3. angst

Nowhere to run Nowhere to hide You left me spinning around in my mind I got no signal You never replied And I can't get no sleep

I keep telling my, telling myself your ghost story You got me lying awake in my bed, you still haunt me And I can't break free

(Ghost Story by Cheat Codes and All Time Low)

This song isn't meant to be about exactly what I envision it to be about in Brook's case, but it's funny how a song about ghosting someone can also sound a little bit like a song about someone you think is dead. This is one I could dissect in depth for them, weirdly enough aklsjdf

4. comfort

You've seen some trouble Some dark and stormy nights Dry your eyes my son, you're not alone I know the brave, hard You carry your little light up the path in every way you go

Paint the skies Chase the highs Draw the colors of the night Follow the rhythm of your hungry heart Feel the sun catch the vibe for a limited time Be the hunger in your hungry heart Our hungry hearts

(Hungry Hearts by River)

A little bit of Brook's worship of Kormir coming in here, but also them finding a home with the Olmakhan for the years they're there.

5. love life

Nobody gets me like you do I'm not the same, not after you So many things that we've been through I'm not the same, not after All that's been said and done I don't even feel like I'm back at one Nobody gets me like you do I'm not the same, not after you

(After You by Gryffin)

For Brook and Casca - truly a combination of the lyrics, the music, and the vibes of the music video.

Bonus one:

And nothing left unspoken When you whisper, I heard you say

Go on then, love And show me your heart 'Cause you are enough As you are and I'm awestruck So go on then, love

(Go on Then, Love by Said The Sky)

6. fight scene

The Call (the League of Legends one)

Almost more for the vibes than the lyrics (so listen to it if you want a more accurate impression), but the lyrics don't not fit, either!

#gw2 #brook splitstorm #everlyrre #sorry this took a second to get back to you!! i hadn't put together a playlist for ever yet #and i needed to like. entirely redo brook's #since i hadn't touched theirs for a Long time; since back when they were not a super developed character yet al;ksdjf #thanks a bunch for the ask! :D

[thebreakfastgenie]

fic asks: N, Q, S, T

N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?

Yes but also no. I'm known to say "I don't want to write this, I want to read this." Unfortunately... I'm also a control freak, and if I'm attached enough to a fic, I want to do it myself. Both because I want it the way I envisioned it and because, as torturous as it is, I like the process. I don't want it to instantly be written.

If someone wrote some of the AUs I've come up with I'd be happy! First one that comes to mind is The Army-Navy Game but the bomb is real AU. Or anything where all the swamp rats are there at the same time (which is more historically accurate).

There are a whole bunch for The West Wing but I can't think of examples right now. I'll add them if I do!

Q: How do you feel about collaborations?

Collaborations are fantastic and super fun!!! However, collaborating on something like a fic is hard.

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

I'm a sucker for the angst tropes. I have yet to finish a major character death fic--wait, Downpour totally counts! Anyway, I spend a lot of time thinking about and outlining major character death or near death. I love hospital tropes. Illness and injury tropes. Hurt/comfort but heavy on the hurt.

Sorry if this is vague. I'm never sure what counts as a trope. For me, it's 10% trope, 90% execution.

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

I'm not a fan of pining. There are circumstances where it works, because for me it's really about execution, but it also has to be in-character for the person who is pining. I often find pining kind of embarrassing. I'm like... get ahold of yourself. And when it's poorly executed I don't find it believable.

I think a lot of tropes are overrated, but I still like them when they're done well. Fake dating is an example of that.

I've done a rant before about how There's Only One Bed isn't romantic. I also hate soulmate AUs passionately.

My opinion is not every trope fits every character/dynamic/ship/fandom and if it's not a good fit I won't enjoy it.

There are always popular fandom-specific tropes I can't stand. In The West Wing fandom, it's Donna moving in with Josh and being solely or primarily responsible for his care after Rosslyn. In the MASH fandom it's lavender marriage (for anyone). In the Star Trek fandom, it's making Sarek a villain. There are more for all of these; these are just examples.

#thank you!!!

[charybdiss]

Oh no! It's a life update from what basically amounts to a stranger who never posts to tumblr anymore! :O

Hello life has been weird and wonderful lately! Which is a shocker to those of you who do know me in some capacity since all of my life updates before I dropped off the face of the earth were pretty negative. Anyway! On with the show.

I've been working the same job for almost 4 years now (in October) and while it's not what I envisioned myself doing, it's the best paid position I've ever held and I'm finally clawing my way into a position that I could see myself staying in if they'll let me.

I'm training new hires currently, and I found out that I really enjoy teaching/training. It's technically a temporary "flex" position that may end at the end of the year but the worst thing that happens then is I go back to fielding customer phone calls for a while at the same pay rate until I am needed in the training department again.

We finally moved!! We're still renting but it's a cute little house all to ourselves with no shitty neighbors playing their music so loud it rattles the windows. We got in a huge confrontation with our neighbors in the old apartment before leaving where we had to call the cops and she basically streamed live on Facebook and all of her friends threatened to get together and "roll on us" so that was fun. I hope she got new neighbors in our place who are just as loud and obnoxious as she is. Hey, maybe the nazi and his girlfriend moved back in now that the original landlord is gone! Either way, not my problem anymore :)

I had been miserable there for over a decade already (we had been there for 16+ years at the time of leaving) but finances being what they were we couldn't really do anything about it. When we finally ripped the band-aid off and jumped into our current house, it was like night and day. I caught myself for weeks still tiptoeing around and being quiet and fearful that the neighbors could hear us. They can't!!! It's phenomenal!!! And our landlord is extremely nice and flexible and any little problems we've had with the place he has fixed as quickly as humanly possible, and lives in another town so he's never here to "drop by" and inspections aren't a thing anymore. Why didn't we move sooner? To think of all the years we wasted in misery.

I guess the final bit of news is that I'm pregnant! Which is another thing I kind of never thought would happen. We were just getting comfortable with the idea of just being cat people for the rest of our lives and I think the combination of being finally happy at work and happy at home just kind of...allowed it to happen? I don't know but we're very excited and also terrified. I just had my 20 week checkup today and everything is healthy and in order as far as docs can tell. I gave them like 8 vials(!!!) of blood a couple of months ago so they could test for everything under the sun and she looks good.

Coming up with names is extremely hard but being the dorks that we are we are not above considering our (more normal-human-leaning) Warcraft character names lmfao. ONLY IF NOTHING ELSE APPEALS TO US OMFG. We're not that cruel :)

I swear I'm not the type of person who will constantly talk about baby stuff and post baby pics (come on this is a semi-anonymous platform online and is not Facebook) but I will of course tag all of my posts about finding a name and any other wacky baby adventures under some sort of tag I have yet to come up with.

I will also reward (hahaha) your patience with this rambling life update with some drawings in a bit :D

#personal #life update #real life stuff #i don't remember how to tag or what to tag or what do do lmfao just let me know if you need something tagged and i gotchu

[annieintheaair]

There's a million chances for mistakes, that we both can't promise not to make. There's a million doubts that you might have, but is a spark enough to not hold back?

We can spend so much time making all of the plans but the truth is, the only plan is God's plan.

I was going to go to church at 5pm tonight, as we had planned, but then switched to the 3:30pm service and then eventually settled on the 2pm service. My new therapist, Jose, had told me to invite Todd to church tonight, despite everything, and see if he would show up. Not only was I 99.9% sure that he wouldn't show up for the 5pm service but I also didn't care if he showed up or not. Of course, it's not that I don't want people going to church but I didn't care about him being there for me anymore. I went to the 2pm service because I wanted to be there.

I honestly debated all morning if I was going to go at all and eventually realized that I needed to go because the experience on TV just isn't the same. I hated the drive because it's so long but when I finally got close to church, I felt a lot of relief and was happy when I finally got out of my car and walked into church.

Listening to Pastor John talk today, I knew for sure that God encouraged me to go for a reason. He knew I needed to be there. Pastor John talked about the questions we have, like why do bad things happen to good people and why does God allow suffering? He talked about sin and forgiveness and all of it just made me cry but I had to contain myself because I didn't have any tissues with me. It was the perfect message for me to hear. I wish Todd could have been there to hear it, too.

After church, I ran into a few of my friends that I serve with at Students and it was so good to see them and it felt nice to be hugged. I was relieved that no one asked me where Todd was because I wouldn't have wanted to talk about it anyway.

When I left church, I went to check out a house for rent. I didn't know when I inquired about it but it was around the corner from the house that was for sale that Todd and I looked at a few months ago and said was our dream house. The floorplan of the house looked almost identical to the one we had seen and when I left the neighborhood, I passed the house we loved.

My long drive home felt like a trip down memory lane, not of the bad memories but some of the best ones. Seeing the house and driving around that area made me think about the future that we had envisioned for ourselves and the goals that we had together. I drove out towards Denton and recognized some roads we had driven on early in our relationship.

I made a detour to stop for brisket tacos at Marty B's. I debated eating there alone or ordering and grabbing a drink at the bar while I waited but instead, I ordered my food, waited for it, and then left. I haven't been in the mood to drink alcohol all week (my last drink was at the nail salon before our fight). I stopped at the coffee shop, too, and picked up an energy drink for the rest of my ride home.

About 30 minutes from my house, I approached the outlet mall where we had gone just two weeks ago. I passed Buc-ee's where we stopped for candy, and the restaurant where we had lunch. I thought about how we had gone to the movies and we wanted to spend more time together so he stayed another night even though it was a Sunday night and he had to work the next morning.

Years ago, I remember hearing something about parallel universes (multiverses). The Many-Worlds Theory basically says that for every possible outcome, another universe is formed. For all of the decisions that we make, we could have made a different choice. In some other universe, Todd and I had a happy ending, just like in another universe, Dan never died.

As I drove (I drove at least 200 miles today so I had a lot of time to think), I thought more about the church service and I was listening to some songs that pulled at my heartstrings. Just like the questions that Pastor John mentioned in church, I wondered why we hurt each other. I heard once, "Hurt people, hurt people." Aren't we all hurting in some way or another? Why do we hurt each other? Isn't there enough hurt and pain in this world that's beyond our control? Why do we have to add additional hurt?

I thought about this week and this weekend in particular, how I had it all planned out and it turned out to look nothing like what had been planned. It felt like it was going to be a great weekend and there were so many things in the coming weeks and months that we (or maybe just I) were looking forward to. I know I need to trust God's plan but it's hard when I'm really hurting. I just wonder sometimes why I have to hurt so much and when and if the hurt will ever end.

In some ways, I wish I could rewind time to last week before everything fell apart so that I could make other choices and keep all of the future plans that we had. Even if I could rewind time though, if this was God's plan, then this all would have happened anyway and there is nothing I could have done or said to change any of that.

I do wish that we could have talked before it went so far to end with so much hurt. I truly believe that it would have all turned out a lot differently if instead of going silent in the car on the way back to his apartment he had chosen to talk to me. I fell for him in the first place because of his long messages and it seemed like he was great at communicating in the beginning, only to later realize that he would shut me out whenever he was mad about something. In the end, all I wanted was to meet up and talk in person and end on better terms if that was the inevitable.

Thinking about Jesus, who loves us no matter what, forgives us no matter what we've done, and never leaves us, I just wish that people could do the same. I feel like I was able to forgive Todd for the things he did to me to hurt me, including three weeks ago when I slept at my old neighbor's house because he wouldn't let me inside his apartment and his mom told me to sleep in my car or drive an hour home drunk. I even tried to forgive his mom and thought I'd manage to have brunch tomorrow even though I was still hurt and upset about it since she wasn't even sorry for suggesting those things to me.

The Bible teaches us to forgive others in order to be forgiven by God for our own wrongdoings. I know I try my best to follow Jesus but sometimes fall short. I think that's part of being human. We are not perfect people. I wish Todd could have forgiven me for the things that I did that unintentionally hurt him. I don't know if his intent was to hurt me or if he was hurting me because he was hurt. I know that my actions last weekend came from a place of hurt and it all spiraled into so much more hurt. What hurts the most is knowing that the person I loved felt the need to hurt me back, to shatter my heart into a million pieces. At what point do we learn to stop hurting each other?

I know I'll never be able to change the past and God's plan is always so much better than my own but I just can't stop feeling so awful about my own mistakes and Todd's lack of forgiveness and willingness to try to fix things. I really do want to be with someone who means it when they say they love me and who will do anything and everything to make it work. Now, I just wonder, when will I start to feel better about all of this even without his forgiveness?

xoxo

Annie

[lemonflowercat]

75 soft: break day

i am so tired. and funny enough - yes, i did wake up feeling super low energy - but i am so much more tired now than i was when the day began and all i've done is mindlessly scroll through YT. it's not just me, right? everyone feels this drained and disgusting my-brain-is-a-a-sewer feeling, after consuming media for hours, right? and everyone starts to relate to the "if you do this, you probably have ADHD," posts, right? --- LOL. yeah so i reached that point, and that was my cue to unhook my thumb from my screen. let's not even get started with how i feel about people throwing around "ADHD" and "anxiety" and "OCD" and "neurodivergence" like it's the flu.

ugh, everyone out there is trying to sell something, everything is disingenuous un-original misleading and just twisted manipulative ways to hook people's attention. this is not the internet i envisioned growing up. ):

and despite feeling this way, i've been an avid consumer for 8h today. i've been a slave to my monkey brain, and now we get out of it.

today was supposed to be the day i make some crazy headway with my study goals and finish up biochemistry - which didn't happen clearly. i can't entirely pinpoint why my day fell apart, but i know exactly when - and that was right after breakfast. the same thing happened to me yesterday, and the day before. i've also been feeling really tired and yeah self-hate is peaking so these are some things i want to figure out for myself before i start a new week.

things i did that "align" with the person i'm trying to be:

this week v last week is disappointing, because the bare minimum i intended to do is be better than my previous week. but let's not dismiss the fact that i am now down to 3 relatively easy units in biochemistry. it's very hard to fight these deep failure sadness that's engulfing me rn. but push through we will.

i stuck to my calorie budget nearly 6 days this week, which is my best streak in a long time. but what i'm most happy about is that i've eaten out only once this week! which is something that was seeming impossible to do in my Goa life. i had lots of amazing nourishing meals that i am so grateful for.

morning yoga: 5x this week (including this morning's restorative yoga) and evening wxo: 5x this week.

rationally, it looks like i don't need to feel as terrible as i'm feeling. i think it's how little i've studied that my inner critic is being most judgmental about. it's also making me so anxious. i've been feeling like i have a scream trapped in my throat all day. i feel numb, and my brain keeps counting down to exam day with mounting dread. i wonder if the stress has a part to play in how tired i've been feeling. that coupled with the fact that my days get pretty exhausting, what with doing the me-things and then the home-things. like cleaning and cooking and tending to my babies (kokie and suzie). sigh it's not like i have a choice.

well...i don't know what really to do to fix this studying problem. i guess i have to be more mindful about my energy levels and figure what's really working for me. for now, one thing i've noticed is - the afternoon heat is sapping my energy. i will

remember to draw the blinds by my study corner

reserve the afternoon for chores and cooking because i've noticed i've been focusing better in the evening

hope this week is better x