#but also bc their sexualities did not prevent me from being confused by my mom

[chaos-is-beautifvl]

𝐝𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐜𝐨𝐩 𝐩𝐭. 𝟐

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: eddie munson x fem!reader

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: after the first accidental and absolutely horrid incident with your dad, eddie isn’t all too keen on the idea of meeting him officially. spoiler alert: he has every reason to be worried || part one

𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠: hopper!reader, fluff, tad bit of angst, ‘freak’ used derogatorily + affectionately, assumptions, hopper being this close 🤏 to having a heart attack, joyce being the best mom (besides steve), slight mean hopper bc he cares about his kids, mike again being a little shit, el being confused, jonathan needing to learn how to read the room & mentions of sex

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 4596 (these are my blood, sweat, and tears - no actually, i think i got a paper cut)

𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: the long awaited sequel of doac is here! also, you guys are absolutely insane. 2,000+ NOTES??!! thank you so much! i hope you all enjoy part 2 as much as you did the first. feedback is golden, so please let me know what you think. feel free to send me a request. guidelines here and check out my other eddie fics here!

stay tuned for bonus chapters & maybe a part 3???

“I don’t think I can go through this again... Once was enough, but twice? No, no, no.”

Hopper was strewn across the couch, arms over his head and legs splayed out. He slumped over like he was tired of carrying the world’s weight on his shoulders.

“Can’t do what, Hop?” Joyce questioned, replacing the clothes in the dryer with the clothes in the washing machine. “Let your kid grow up?”

“Grow- Hold on, you’re on her side?”

Joyce rolled her eyes, starting the dryer and bringing her laundry basket over to the table to fold the clothes. “There are no sides.”

“No, no, you are. You’re on her side.”

“Okay, fine. I’m on your teenage daughter’s side, who has done nothing wrong.”

“Nothing wrong-?” Hopper sat up, ignoring the instant head rush that followed. “Joyce, she had a boy in her room - a boy - and if I hadn’t gotten there when I did, who knows what would have happened? I swear, it’s Mike all over again.”

Joyce tossed a pair of mismatched socks on the table, resisting the urge to roll her eyes again. She loves the man, but he constantly pushes her buttons. “I mean, she is at that age. It was only a matter of time before she got curious and started exploring her sexual-”

“Joyce!” Hopper groaned, covering his face with his palms as though that would prevent his ears from hearing her words. “Why the hell would you say that? You know something I don’t?”

She shot him an annoyed look, not withholding her eye-rolling. Heaving a sigh, Joyce turned to her laundry, taking note to sew the hole in Will’s shirt.

“She’s almost an adult. Do you expect her not to know or be interested in those things?” She refrained from using the forbidden ‘S’ word to prevent Hopper freaking out. Again.

“No! What kind of question even is that? What? Do you expect Jonathan and Will to be doing those things?” He threw his hands in the air, returning Joyce’s annoyed look. 

“Will, no. Jonathan, yes. I mean, c’mon, Hopper, you saying you weren’t like that when you were their age?”

The man could only grumble. Joyce was right. While he was significantly older, he hadn’t refined much since his teenage days. The problem was that even though he was as wild and free as ever, that didn’t mean he wanted to imagine or see his kids doing the same. The thought was grossly unfathomable to him.

Joyce sighed as she cast a glance at Hopper. She could see his inner turmoil, and although his reaction was overly exaggerated, she offered him some solace. 

“Look, Y/N is a good girl. I’m sure nothing is or was going on. It’s likely just what she said - they were playing around. Kids do that, you know. If you can somehow pull your head out of your ass, you’ll see why she didn’t tell you about him.” As Joyce was speaking, Hopper opened his mouth to spew what she knew were more excuses. She held her hand up, effectively shutting his mouth. 

“You don't even know the boy. He’s sweet, and he seems to care about Y/N a lot. That should make you happy.”

It did. Hopper wouldn’t admit it aloud, but he was glad that the little punk treated his daughter well, even if the man thought the boy had other intentions.

Joyce snapped as an idea came to mind. She turned to Hopper with a coy grin, and he didn’t like where she was headed. “Dinner. We’ll have dinner. And if you decide you still don’t like it, fine. But you have to try at least.”

After a few contemplative minutes, Hopper begrudgingly resigned, sinking further into the couch. “Fine. Dinner it is.”

——

You don't think you’ve ever seen Eddie so skittish. His eyes were wide and alert, and he constantly looked over his shoulder so he would be prepared if your crazy dad came charging at him again.

“D-Dinner?” Eddie sputtered over his words. “You want me to go to dinner with you and your dad? Your dad tried to kill me!”

The nearby patrons of the cafeteria stopped talking after Eddie's outburst, turning their full attention to you two. You smiled sheepishly, waving a hand dismissively. You were granted a reprieve when someone yelled across the cafeteria, and all staring was redirected.

You sighed, turning back to Eddie. “Look, I know my dad was…”

“Crazy, insane, deranged? Murderous, maybe?”

You grinned at Eddie's interruption. While you felt bad, seeing him so frantic was adorable. You hid your amusement behind your hand, clearing your throat and trying to get back to the issue. “You’re right. He was a bit murderous, but if he got to know you, he would love you.”

Eddie sent you a skeptical look, and you adjusted your words. “Love might be a bit strong, but he would definitely like you. I’m sure. I like you, and I happen to have very great judgment.”

“That’s debatable.” Mike interrupted as he plopped down in the seat next to you. 

You rolled your eyes, “Funny. Don’t think I asked for your opinion.”

“No, what’s funny is how Hopper tried to kill Eddie.” The boy opened a can of Coke, and the sizzling annoyed you just as much as he did. “He was like, ‘I'm going to kill you for dating my daughter’.”

Mike’s impression of Hopper wasn’t that far off, but his levity of the situation deterred your endeavors of convincing Eddie to come to dinner. Eddie was back on alert, not that he’d ever stopped being overly cautious.

“Dating?” Gareth asked as he and the rest of the crew joined the party. To say that you wanted you and Eddie to be alone was understated. “Congrats, guys. I didn’t even know.”

“Thanks, man. Just let me know if you see a man about yea high with a murderous look in his eyes.���

“Context, please.”

“Can we just leave it alone? Yes, Eddie and I are dating. No, you will not get any context.” You quickly shut down the impending questions that would follow once you and Eddie started explaining. 

You don’t think Eddie was paying much attention to the conversation anyway. He resorted to virtually sitting in your seat, hoping you might save him if your dad came around. You wanted to reassure him by explaining that even though your dad was homicidal the first time they met, he wouldn’t actually kill him. But, as you thought about it, you honestly didn’t put a thing past your dad. It is Hopper you're talking about. 

You overheard Dustin asking how nobody caught on to you two dating because he caught on after the first few times you hung out together. You couldn’t help but agree silently. You and Eddie had not been subtle about liking each other at all. 

Pushing the conversation to the back of your mind, you rekindled the one with Eddie. “He said he’d give you a chance, and, believe it or not, my dad hardly goes back on his word.”

Those were the wrong choice of words, it seemed, with how Eddie finally stopped glancing at all the available exits for his escape plan and whipped his head around to look at you with widened eyes.

He was progressively looking like a deer in headlights the more he thought about being brutally murdered by the chief of police. “So, he was, like, serious? About, you know, killing me?”

“Eddie, he never said he was going to kill you.” He didn't exactly say the words, but his actions proved otherwise. You didn't voice those thoughts, though.

Sighing, you grabbed Eddie’s hand. “I really like you, and it would take so much more than my, like you said, deranged dad to change that. And you totally don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but I want my dad to see you the way I do.”

Your words seemed to do the trick. Eddie laughed, and his grin resulted in one of your own. “Could’ve just told me you were obsessed with me, sweetheart.”

You rolled your eyes, pushing him away from you, “Shut it, Munson.” Pursing your lips to hide your smile, you squeezed his hand, “So... dinner?”

Eddie leaned his head back, hair sweeping behind his shoulders. He hummed before sitting up and wrapping an arm around you. “Dinner.” He held up a finger before you could thank him. “But only because I feel bad you’re terribly infatuated with me.”

“I hate you.”

“You love me.”

“Aww, aren’t you guys cute?”

“Shut up, Mike,” both of you groaned, resulting in laughter from the group.

——

You think that inviting Eddie to dinner was a grave mistake. Hopper had been staring Eddie down the entire time, which made for an awkward conversation.

Just when you were about to ask your dad to stop terrorizing your boyfriend, he stabbed a fork in his mashed potatoes. “So, Munson, what are your intentions with my daughter?”

“Dad!” You groaned, sending him an annoyed look.

“What? It’s a simple question. It shouldn’t be too difficult for him to answer. Or maybe it is with all those extra years in school.” He grumbled the last words under his breath, and you were so close to giving him a big piece of your mind when Eddie replied.

“It’s fine, Y/N. And, uh, sir, I have no ‘intentions’ with your daughter. I just think she’s really cool, and she’s such an amazing person. So, yeah,” Eddie glanced over at you, offering a grin. “No intentions, but I really like her, sir.”

You took a sip of water, hoping the coolness would diminish the heat that swarmed your face at his compliments. Eddie was never one to shy away from telling you how he felt, but your heart skipped a beat or two faster with how he looked at you.

Eddie’s response was a good one, and there was nothing Hopper could say as much as he tried, so he only grumbled as he ate his potatoes.

The conversation went back to normal - talk about school, the new mall they were building, blah, blah, blah. Then it took a surprising turn.

Jonathan was pretty quiet during the entire span of dinner, scarfing down as much food as he could. You knew it was due to the hefty amount of purple palm tree delight Argyle left him with on his last visit.

That’s what led to him speaking. “Hey, Eddie…” Jonathan squinted as if he wasn’t sure Eddie was the one sitting in front of him. Eddie hummed, and Jonathan nodded, convinced that Eddie was indeed sitting in front of him.

“You still, uh, you still coming on the trip with us, man?”

Eddie’s head shot up so quickly you would think he got whiplash. His mouth opened and closed like a fish. You sent a wild look to Jonathan, waving your hands to get him to stop talking.

You hadn’t exactly meant for it to be a secret; you just never got around to telling your dad about it. And, in light of recent events, you decided it was best to wait until things blew over, but Jonathan seemed intent on ruining that plan.

Mike raised an eyebrow at your frantic movements, and you coughed, reaching for your water when Joyce sent you a concerned look. It seemed you weren’t transparent enough because Jonathan continued, despite your attempts at diffusing the situation. 

“This chicken is so good, Joyce,” was said as you picked at the piece to prove your point.

“You know,” Jonathan blinked slowly, mistaking Eddie's nonresponse as confusion. “To the Cali trip. I talked to my man, Argyle, and he can’t wait to meet you, you know, thinks you’re pretty rad.”

The silence that followed was loud, terribly so. Your fork was lifted halfway to your mouth with the chicken you suddenly didn’t have an appetite for anymore. 

Mike’s expression developed into shock and slight amusement, which pissed you off, but it wasn’t the time to reprimand him. Will’s widened eyes caught your gaze, sharing your mortification. Joyce looked like she might be close to laughing with how her lips rolled together. You wanted to be annoyed, but honestly, you can’t fault her. 

And El, not knowing why the table’s facial expressions ranged from mortified to humorous, tilted her head in confusion. Her brows furrowed, and you made a special note to start explaining things more. She was lost most of the time, and it’s your job as her big sister to direct her on the right path. That’s something you’ll worry about later, though.

Meanwhile, Eddie looked like he might shit a brick - a perfectly rectangular one. You’re sure you look the same. 

And Jonathan, the cause of the array of facial charades, was just as confused as El until it settled in. You wonder if some genetic thing makes the Byers form similar expressions. His face morphed into shock, like the rest of the crowd. The next he made was guilty, and you’re so glad he feels that way about the mess he created. His shaggy hair flipped around as he turned to you. You could barely understand the words he tried to mouth, but they were apropos of the situation, like ‘I’m so sorry.’ 

He should be.

A harsh clang of silverware on the table made everyone jump, removing them from their stupor. You don’t know how you or anyone else could have forgotten about Hopper. You slowly dragged your eyes over to your dad, and his expression exceeded all your expectations of what it would be. It’s comical and terrifying, and the way Eddie’s face paled, you think he might have actually shit that brick.

Hopper’s face was red, resembling the color of the salad bowl. Like the first unpleasant time he met Eddie, literal steam came from his ears and nose, nostrils flaring as he gripped the table.

You were trying to think of anything that could appease the situation. You screwed up. Majorly. Totally. Tragically. Your heart attempted to flee your chest cavity in hopes of escaping what appeared to be a perfectly disastrous situation.

“What. The. Hell?!” Hopper’s words came out in disgruntled anger, interrupting your meticulous planning, and you wished you hadn't tried to introduce the two. After all, you are the daughter of a cop, and this cop is notorious for taking things over the top.

“Dad, wait, I can explain-” The words tumbled out of your mouth before you thought of an actual explanation.

“Oh, you sure can, missy. Please tell me why you not only lied about who was going on the trip, but you were going to sneak off with him and do god knows what.”

You blubbered over your words as you twisted your fingers. You knew your dad had a temper, that much was evident when he tried to attack Eddie, but this was worse. You hated when he was mad, even more so when he directed it toward you.

“What, you have nothing to say? Go on, tell me! Tell me why my daughter has become someone completely different since meeting this freak!”

Any thought of not talking back in fear of making your dad angrier disappeared. You could handle him being mad at you - you didn’t like it, but it was tolerable. What you refused to tolerate was him treating Eddie like shit.

Standing up, you slammed your hands down on the table, rattling the silverware and the people at the table. You weren’t known for your outbursts so seeing you in this state was surprising to everyone, even your dad, who raised an eyebrow.

“You do not get to talk to him like that. God, Dad, you wanna know why I didn’t tell you? I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d do this - overreact.”

Hopper’s eyes widened, and he stood as well. “You think this is overreacting? Oh, trust me, you haven’t seen overreacting yet.”

“Don’t you hear yourself, Dad? You haven’t even given him a chance, and yet, somehow, your mind is all made up. Do you see the problem there?”

Out of the corner of your eye, you could see everyone itching to get away from the table, and honestly, you wished you could do the same. But instead, here you were, arguing with your dad about your boyfriend while said boyfriend was sitting next to you, looking petrified.

Hopper sighed frustratedly, dragging a hand down his reddened face. “No, Y/N, the problem is with him. I don’t want my daughter dating someone one step away from being his dad-”

Eddie stood up this time, and all eyes shot to him. He cleared his throat, “You know what, I think I’m gonna go. The food was great, Mrs. Byers, but I have a chemistry test tomorrow. And, well, I wanna pass, so yeah.”

“Ed-” You felt terrible. You wanted this dinner and practically forced him to come even though he was reluctant, and now he was leaving early because your dad couldn’t keep his so wrong opinions about Eddie to himself.

“It’s okay, really,” Eddie grinned at you, trying to show that he wasn’t affected as you were. He whispered the last words, “Hey, at least I know what it’s like dating the daughter of a cop.”

His reassurances did little to reassure you. So, when he left, and everyone at the table was trying to make it seem like they weren’t there, you turned to your dad. There was so much you wanted to say to him. You would have told him how much of a literal asshole he was.

But all you could say was, “You didn’t even try, Dad. You said you would.”

With that, you walked off, following after Eddie, hoping your dad hadn’t ruined your relationship with the one person you didn’t want to lose.

The front door slammed shut, and Hopper had half a mind to tell you to come back inside, but he kept it to himself. It was tense then, and Joyce, who needed to have a lengthy chat with Hopper, told the kids to give them some space.

They hurried away, mumbling, "I have to use the bathroom anyway," and "do you guys wanna play video games?"

Once the table was clear, Joyce turned to Hopper, awaiting an explanation. Hopper plopped down in his chair, covering his face with his hands as he groaned vehemently.

“Do you see what I mean? And she says that I’m overreacting.”

Joyce’s muted response prompted the angry man to remove his hands from his face and send her an inquisitive eyebrow raise. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“C’mon, Hop, do I really have to say anything?”

“So you agree? I mean, I can’t be the only way that sees a major problem with-”

“Jesus, Hopper, are you serious?” Joyce furrowed her eyebrows as she glared at the man sitting next to her. She had put up with his initial disinterest in Eddie because most dads are like that, but she was annoyed now with him actively being an asshole.

“Look, I get it, she’s your daughter, but you’re going to ruin your relationship with her if you continue acting like this.” Hopper opened his mouth to no doubt spout a series of excuses when Joyce held up a hand, signaling him to shut up. “Do you really want to know why Y/N didn’t tell you? She was scared, Hop. Scared of how you might react because she likes a boy you wouldn’t give a first chance. And she hid it because she didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“But, Joyce-”

“No buts, Hop. Eddie, who is very sweet, by the way, hasn’t done anything wrong. You’re letting your judgment get in the way and doing the same thing you did with El to Y/N, and you saw how that worked out. So, you tell me, what is your problem?”

Hopper didn’t answer the question everyone was asking, instead sulking in his seat like a petulant child. He pulled out a cigarette and didn’t even bother to light it, just letting it hang between his pouting lips.

Joyce shook her head, crossing her arms, “We can sit here all night until you fess up, or you can just pull your head out of your stubborn ass and tell me what’s going on.”

The man rubbed his forehead, sitting up in his chair and hanging his head low. He stared at the chip in the floorboards before heaving a dreary sigh. “She’s my girl, Joyce. She’s my little girl, and yeah, maybe I was overreacting-”

“You think?” Hopper didn’t even have the energy to roll his eyes.

“Just- look, I know that she’s getting older. They’re both getting older. But she’s my girl, Joyce, my little girl. What if she gets older and she-” Hopper choked on his words. “What if she gets older and forgets all about her old man?”

“Hop…” Joyce sighed. “Our kids - they’re gonna get older. We can’t change that. But if there’s one thing I know about Y/N," she ducked her head to meet his eyes. “She is never going to forget her dad... as long he stops acting like an asshole.”

Hopper chuckled, wiping a stray tear from his face, “Yeah, you’re right.”

“Give him a chance, Hopper. He makes her happy.”

“Okay,” he resigned. He lit his cigarette, furrowing his brows, “How come you’re always right? Is it like a woman’s intuition thing?”

“No, you’re just a moron most of the time.”

——

“So,” Eddie inquired as he tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, “Got a place in mind?”

After storming out the front door, you made your way to Eddie’s van, thankful it was still there. You thought he would be long gone after your dad practically bit his head off, but no. He had just started his vehicle and was contemplating if this time Hopper would actually kill him when the passenger side door flung open.

“Please don’t kill me!” The words were frenzied as Eddie squeezed his eyes shut and held his hands in front of him as if that would protect him from Hopper’s rage.

You grabbed his hands, laughing as you slid into the van. “Wasn’t planning on it.”

“I don’t know. Anywhere with you is good.”

“M’kay, how about…” He hummed before taking a right turn to a lookout point. “Here?”

“Here’s good.”

For the first time, the air was awkward between you two. You didn’t like it, but you didn’t know what to say. What do you say to someone after your dad was an asshole to them during dinner and then proceeded to call them a freak more than once?

Eddie’s “so…” was said simultaneously with your “I’m so sorry.”

You made eye contact, and he let out a laugh you couldn’t help but copy. “Sorry,” he said after catching his breath, “you can go first.”

“My dad,” you started, looking away from him and instead focusing on the view outside. “My dad was an asshole to you, and I know that I can’t make up for that, but I am so sorry, Eddie. Believe me, if I knew he would act that way, I would have never pushed for dinner.”

“Y/N-”

You shook your head, forcing yourself to make eye contact so he could see your genuineness. “No, Eddie. He said some really hurtful things, and I’m really sorry. And, uh, I would totally understand if you, I don’t know, didn’t want to be with me anymore because, well, who wants to deal with a dad like mine.”

“Do you-” Eddie leaned forward, resting his arms on the steering wheel. “You don’t actually think I want that… right?”

You shrugged, toying with a stray thread on the hem of your shirt. “I would understand if you did.”

“Okay, let’s correct that, yeah? I definitely don’t want to break up. I wasn’t lying when I said all that to your dad.”

You stammered, trying to list all the possibilities why Eddie not wanting to be with you was reasonable. All of which included your dad. 

“I thought it was pretty hot, honestly.”

You raised an eyebrow, finally directing your gaze to him. He smiled sheepishly again, embarrassed. “Your dad is… he’s a work of art, but that has nothing to do with you. And I mean, the way you stood up to him - highly doubt anyone in their right mind would do that - I don’t know, it was interesting seeing you riled up over little ole me.”

“Pretty hot or interesting? Gotta pick, Munson.” You cracked a grin at the red tint that rose to his cheeks

“Hot,” he nodded, certain of his answer. “Definitely hot.”

Then the air was back to normal, and it felt good to breathe it in. You tutted and shook your head, “Who’s obsessed with who, now?”

“Oh, I’ve always been obsessed with you, sweetheart. You’re just in denial about being obsessed with me.”

You could only roll your eyes, turning to face the door so he wouldn’t see the smile on display. The two of you sat in comfortable silence, watching the night settle over Hawkins until Eddie spoke.

“What about you?” You acknowledged his question with a hum. “You sure you still want to be with me? I mean, I know you’re completely infatuated with me." That made you chuckle. “And you’re also pretty close with your dad. Believe me, I don’t want to stop what we have, but I also don’t want to mess that up.”

“I don't want that either.” Eddie frowned slightly, and you realized how your words sounded, so you corrected them. “What I mean is, I don’t want us to end. My dad means a lot to me, and I love him, but I also love you. And I really don’t want to lose you. I meant what I said before. It would take so much more than my crazy dad to make me not want you. Screw this whole goddamn town. I could care less what they think.”

You finished your rant with a huff. You felt relieved, finally having said everything you’ve been holding in since this whole fiasco with your dad and Eddie began.

You don’t know what you were expecting Eddie’s expression to be after your winded rant, but you certainly weren’t expecting to be met with a budding grin. Raising your eyebrow, you questioned why he looked so amused.

“You love me, huh?” You were confused until it hit you. You accidentally told Eddie, of all people, that you were in love with him. 

You’re never going to live this one down.

“Shut up.”

Eddie dramatically splayed himself across your lap. He threw his arm over his head, fanning himself with his hand as if he was but a distressed maiden. 

The brunet opened one eye, keeping the other squeezed shut. He held his hand up to his ear, “I’m sorry. I don’t think I quite heard you the first time. Could you repeat that again?” You rolled your eyes, looking away from his simpering grin before you gave in and wore one yourself.

“I said I hated you.”

“I can’t believe that you, Y/N Hopper, love me, Eddie the freak Munson.”

“Yeah, well, unfortunately, you’re my freak.”

Eddie smiled up at you, and this time, you mimicked him. “I guess it’s time to tell you that I’m in love with the daughter of a cop.”

——

🏷 𝐭𝐚𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭: @this--is--music , @riotkayla , @lili-pond , @murnsondock , @ecikilljoy , @salembridger , @boomhauer , @under-the-clouds , @insssanemind , @reidstea , @th0rswh0res , @graywrites20 , @tracymbcm , @chrisevansangel , @lizziesfirstwife , @wiieiei , @iloveeddiemunsonnnn

——

#chaos-is-beautifvl #chaos.writes 🖋 #eddie munson x reader #daughter of a cop #daughter of a cop pt.2 #eddie munson x hopper!reader #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson x female reader

[ageofzero]

I was thinking the other day about being ace and moments in my past where the knowledge of the aroace spectrum might’ve helped me have words for how I was interpreting the world, and

I guess I’ll share the memory here.

So, when I was some late teenager age, probably 18+, I’d had two different relationships and wasn’t in either of them. I was in the car, I think I was driving because I got to pick the music. We were listening to Daft Punk’s “Discovery” album. My brother and I really like the music, we were bopping along, and my mom said

“Ugh, how can you listen to this? All these songs are about sex!”

I immediately protested, because no? Half the album is nonvocal and the rest are just fun dance songs? Mom what are you even saying??? I think someone else (my brother) chimed in on my side, and she might’ve insisted on her stance, but the rest of the discussion is hazy. I was annoyed with my mom for ruining an otherwise innocuous enjoyment of music.

My mom is heterosexual. My dad is heterosexual. I have a strong argument that both my biological parents have had and like having sex. In hindsight, I have no idea why the songs she perceived to be about sex bothered her, when she grew up with 80s music.

It’s not like I didn’t know about sex. I’d been around fandom for a while at that point, I’d read fanfiction and knew people wrote sexual things (and I’d read a few of them, good and bad alike). She knew I knew about sex. I had watched movies where love and sex were a hand-in-hand thing. It was acceptable for me to know about love/romance/sex at the age I was at.

And still, I did not understand what the actual hell her problem was that she needed to pull sex out of nowhere.

The point is, she saw meaning in the songs we were listening to that I didn’t.

I had seen Interstella 5555 by that point, which is how I knew about “Discovery” to begin with, and my brother and I found the CD in a local secondhand store and snapped it up immediately. I have vivid anime imagery to accompany my mental landscape of listening to the music of that album. Even so, if you had asked me my interpretation of the songs with lyrics, I’d probably still say “One More Time” is about dancing and celebration. “Digital Love” is about the crush on a girl you don’t know but keep dreaming about. “Harder Better Faster Stronger” isn’t really about anything but it’s a great workout/encouragement song for such things. Similarly, “Crescendolls”, “Superman”, and “High Life” are just fun as hell bops with vocals that aren’t really meaning anything. I don’t think “Jump into the air” repeated for the duration is some sort of sex thing. “Something About Us” is a sad love song. “Face To Face” is a confronting The Other and finding understanding somewhere in the anger. “Too Long” is the coming home after an intolerable amount of time and finding joy again. The “need” is the dancing and celebration of “One More Time”, but after some epic journey that’s changed you.

Now, I can say I kind of see where people would infer sex from music, from this album at least where lyrics are. I’ll concede to “One More Time”, “Digital Love”, and “Too Long” maybe. I still had to train myself and find the context clues for why people would think that way, though. I don’t really listen to those songs and think “huhuhuhu they’re talking about sex”, by default. And I know there are songs that are very much about sex, both in my mom’s era and in mine!

The thing I pulled out of this recollection is that, with no knowledge about asexuality (my friend wouldn’t mention their asexuality until a few years later when I was in college after I broke up with a third relationship), I didn’t have the mental tools at a late teenager age to discern a sex meaning out of these songs. My mom did, and apparently it was blatant enough for her to be offended that I was listening to and enjoying the album.

In hindsight, I would say that I might’ve taken that as a moment to consider if I was asexual if I’d known anything about it at the time. idk, I just thought someone else might resonate with the reminiscence.

#asexuality #asexual #ace life #personal #ace stories #postscript: #I mention the past relationships and my parents' like of sex #partially because it means I was growing up in conditions where I by all rights should've agreed with my mom probs #but also bc their sexualities did not prevent me from being confused by my mom #and I'm a little frustrated that people think your parents'/progenitor's sexuality transfers to you #this is specifically about Aloy in HFW but also in general #your parents pass on physical/health traits but not gender/sexuality perceptions

[annarendellsa]

my heathers headcanons

it's the way i see them and draw them, you don't have to agree! this is based on both the musical and the movie

CW: mention of suic*de and e*ting disorders (bulimia) as well as various mental illnesses

Heather Duke

• heather duke is aromantic and yes its because she wears green, have you seen her socks in the off broadway musical? /hj

• more seriously, she IS aromantic but it took some time for her to figure out. she is allo but she doesn't label her sexuality, and she was always confused and frustrated to experience sexual attraction but never romantic attraction; she had a hard time accepting this part of herself.

• post heathers: maybe she discovers about non binary identities and asks her girlfriends to test out they/them pronouns on her? idk? aro-agender duke?

• she also struggles with empathy as she is naturally apathic

• and she's putting this image of a cold mean girl because she believes she can only be that given she's aro and ND

• post musical: she had no idea mcnamara actually tried to commit suic*de and when veronica tells her she breaks down in tears and spend a few days writing an apology letter to mcnamara

• post musical: mcnamara helps her to develop her compassion, knowing it's not her fault she's incapable of empathy. she didn't have to forgive her, but they did, and it really motivates duke to become a better person and be as nice as her

• post musical: she sees a doctor! she eventually recovers from her bulimia. veronica and mac are 100% supportive of her recovery, and very proud

• she gets bigger as part of her recovery and learns to embrace it

• duke is very pale with really dark and thick hair and eyebrows, soft features and quite a lot of body hair

• you know the bootleg where duke has blonde hair? when she's on the tv she speaks german and i vibe with german duke now

• duke Cannot say fuck and if someone is prude/innocent/idk it's her. the why are you pulling my dick was just to fluster veronica i think

Heather McNamara

• they use she/they pronouns!! just because. she still identifies as a girl though

• mac is autistic of course, it's like semi canon in the musical

• since she's very tall (movie) she stims while standing like being on the tip of her toes or rocking back and forth and the others can be quite annoyed because she moves a lot but they never snap at her

• post musical: veronica finds her stimming endearing and they know it's safe to stim around her, especially since veronica stims herself

• post musical: mac hums as a stim too and you can often find macnamawyer snuggling on the floor while humming in harmonies together

• she used to mask a LOT and it played a big part in her depression. she knows they had to stop themselves from stimming when she was a heather, she had been the weird kid in middle school but now that chandler took her under her wing, she has to pretend to be NT in order to stay in the lifeboat (😭)

• she's a lesbian!! of course she is

• she knows it since she is in middle school and has been """gal pals"""" with chandler since them but she still struggles with it she has comphet yk, but still less than chandler

• chanamara definitely practiced kissing together "to be ready when we'll have to kiss boys" 👀👀👀

• chandler always had a soft spot for mac and tried to hide it by being cruel to duke

• post musical: it took mac some time to understand that duke had nothing against her personally. she was chill with them until chandler died. from that moment she had to prove herself as the new queen bee and mac was a collateral victim

• duke definetely gave her trauma though and mac is in the process of trusting her again

• mac themselves is not a cinnamon roll just yet and she still has to make up for what they've done to others

• mcnamara has nicknames like mcNcheese or macaroni (veronica came up with those)

• they're also a vegetarian and she loves yellow food

• like she ever only eats yellow food actually (autistic thing). that girl is deficient! part of why she looks that fragile and thin

• also i see mcnamara as mixed race with golden/light brown skin and they have this type of curly curly hair but she straightens it all the time so it's only just wavy (once again, to blend in with the heathers)

• her natural hair colour is actually a dark strawberry blonde? her dad is irish and he's a redhead that's why (stole this from @cam-eats-candles hehe) but she dyes it so it's lighter

• post musical: she starts wearing her natural hair!! and goes with her mom to the afro hairdresser to start to get her curls done right (cornrows mac!!)

• their parents divorced (movie) and it's for the best. mac has daddy issues and only goes to her dad to get cute jewellery for their girlfriends 💖 (he doesn't just sell engagement rings. a lot of regular expensive rings, really)

• she's not a baby, she's not weak nor completely innocent and pure!! the girl is a head cheerleader, she's strong and flexible as hell.

Heather Chandler

• heather chandler is Also a lesbian BUT she is on the ace spectrum like demisexual? so yeah she's double disgusted when she "sleeps" with men

• as a queen bee she's also convinced that the only way to exist is through male validation :(

• chandler is taller than duke and veronica but shorter than mac

• chandler's skin is like rosy and it freckles very easily. i see her with the same cloudylike hair she has in the movie, dark blonde, with the red scrunchie only holding back some of her hair

• she is Buff and is genuinely into sports (lesbian jock like regina george)

• she has a sharp hourglass shape her shoulders are broad and her legs long and strong. she could lift veronica against a wall easily. and she did

Veronica Sawyer

• ADHD!! she's been diagnosed for a while but only became medicated post musical

• bisexual!! so bisexual!! without a preference. she's always been open and proud about it and her parents are supportive

• for me veronica is brown, with thick and dark hair and dark brown eyes, midsize, average height

Martha Dunnstock

• that's canon i know, but she's fat, and not the socially acceptable-hourglass kind of fat. big arms! big tummy! double chin! (i see fanart of her just being chubby quite often and it's ANNOYING like that's a big part of her character)

• she's perfectly healthy like this as are many fat people :))

• i also like the hc that her attempt at sewer slide made her permanently disabled and that she keeps using a wheelchair! because it happens, it's important to show it, and it gives me a lot of ideas for cute kindergarten girlfriends prompts 💓💓

• of course realistically being fat AND physically disabled in the 80's was and is not an easy thing to go through but it's in my head so

• she's also a tiny bit taller than veronica

• i don't hate the outfit she wears in the off broadway show, but I like her west end outfit better!! it's a lot more 80's inspired and i totally see her in kidcore/clowncore etc, even if pastels are cool too

• in the current west end version, martha is played by a black woman and she looks amazing! however I've been drawing and imagining martha as east/south east asian, for no reason really?? also idk kinda rubs me the wrong way that in the more official versions of heathers it's always duke that is black, or martha? not the others? hmm

• i'm not comfortable with hcs that exclusively babyfy her or patronise her like a bunny rabbit just bc she's a fat outcast who likes unicorns!! she's not just cute and giggly! martha can and does swear and she Fucks, like mcnamara

• big round glasses + big nose + long brown hair

• taking inspiration from the princess bride line but she's a huge movie nerd. yes she loves happy endings but she also loves horror movies, as long as they have a happy ending

• she never gets a makeover omg y'all just hate people with glasses and a childish aesthetic istg

• she takes this aesthetic further though and

• post musical and high school: she doesn't just wear baggy clothes anymore as she only did that to prevent more bullying. she develops an unique style with a lot of pink and glitter and she's awesome

------

ok this is getting long ill probably do more!! tell me what you think <3

#heathers #heathers the musical #heathers the movie #heather chandler #heather mcnamara #heathers west end #heather duke #martha dunnstock #veronica sawyer #chanamara #heathers headcanons #heathercanons #autistic mac #lesbian chandler #bironica #aro duke #dawn speaks #heathers musical #heathers movie #bulimia tw #suicide mention

[dylanxmin]

painkiller ∣ 3 ∣ J.HS

breakups are habitual, ordinary maybe even easy for some other people, and maybe it could be easy for you, too, if you haven’t been dumped by your boyfriend after finding out that you were pregnant. no, it wasn’t easy even a bit. and a stranger who wants to be your side doesn’t make this all easy for you, at all.

pairing; jung hoseok x reader

genre; angst, fluff, humor, pregnancy au, strangers to lovers au, single!mom au, slice of life au,,

warnings; angst, swearings, mention of sexual intercourse, bratty taetae, bratty jimin bc why not:), y/n doesn’t like kids?, sorry but unedited:( 

word count; 11k+

rating; nc17

a/n; e-yooo? yeah, i take a long, loong break even without wanting it. but can I blame my life and all the thing I tried to handle? (and clearly failing lol),, well, i wasn’t suppose to post this episode now, but I pushed myself and tried to give it a chance and luckily, I finished this episode!! yey!! sorry for being the worst writer ever on this site, but pls don’t hate me, lol. sooo maybe feedbacks?,, love y’all, thanks for reading it!! ♡

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Jung Hoseok is the man of hope. He and everybody knows it. But are they okay with this? Maybe most of his friends and family members were okay with this but among them, Kim Seokjin didn't like how he always tried to be helpful and all. He wouldn't have any problems with Hoseok being like that unless he wasn't all over you. Hoseok never admits it, but he knows it. Unfortunately, he knew him well enough to understand how he feels from scanning his acts and looks around you. And Seokjin will do the best thing by opening the topic of you in front of his other friends because then, he would have nowhere to hide. 

''Well, I don't know that but I'm saying this. That woman hates me.'' Jungkook let out a big sigh, the sight of the red-haired middle-aged teacher scaring the hell out of him, sending shivers to his neck. He wasn't the smartest one to figure out things easily, but he knew it. Maybe the way she sizes him up bleakly, or the way her mouth crinkles in disgust. Or maybe even the way she calls his name like she was spitting. Jungkook was sure, his teacher was hating him. ''I'll never graduate because of her...'' 

''Okay, first of all, stop being all gloomy about this and think.'' Jimin snaps his fingers before continuing to talk, ''maybe there is one other way to get on well with her,'' 

''Oh my god. Shut that filthy mouth of yours!'' Jungkook covers his ear, physically abhors from what his friend just implied. ''I would never do... that,'' 

''Jungkook you know who is not going to work as a nurse in a hospital?'' Jin tilts his brows, secretly pitying the boy who has red cheeks in front of him. ''perverts like him,'' 

''Oh, c'mon,'' Jimin whined, staring at the pointed finger with a knot between his brows. ''I said what everybody was thinking. Blame me all you want but you were thinking like me!'' 

Hoseok giggles while watching the way his friends tearing each other apart with their stares, enjoying the chaos more than he should. Probably the drinks he had just hit his head. He poured himself another one while Jin got red because of all the yell he did to Jimin, and the poor youngest watching them with rounded doe eyes. 

''I see you are having a great time over there,'' the tone of his friend alarmed Hoseok, he acknowledged that he is the next target of his. So he holds his arms up, his pupils dilated from the fear he feels. ''Hey... what did I do to earn that look?'' 

Jimin's little 'o's filling the room while darting his eyes over Jin and Hoseok, happy to see how tables have turned. The youngest staring his hyungs curiously. 

''So you say that you did nothing wrong?'' Jin crosses arms above his chest, cock his head aside. ''Nothing?'' he asks once again to prevent his friends from attempting to deny him. Light tension fills the room while they stare at each other in silence. 

''He is talking about the patient of his, dummy,'' Jimin can't wait a little longer and talks before Hoseok says something. He lifts an eyebrow, trying to understand what his friend was talking about. His 'o' shaped mouth leaves its place to a pout. ''What patient?'' 

Hoseok asks but deeply knows who Jin was referring to, but he wants to deny all he can. Wouldn't want to believe that he was being that obvious in front of his friend and also his co-worker. His heart race goes high, can't believe how unprofessional he looked. If Hoseok ever wanted to disappear from somewhere, it wasn't the time where his pants decided to leave his body and him staring his first crush in his pink underwear. After memories of the first grade fill his mind, Hoseok's face goes even redder than ever. 

''You know 'what' patient I'm talking about Hoseok,'' the oldest rolls his eyes, his nose crinkles in shame after seeing the useless attempts of his friend. He is the second oldest in this group after Jin, yet he looked like a three years old boy. ''I'm talking about Y/N, saying it in case you try not to understand once again, for god sakes Hoseok...'' Jin lets a big sigh, shaking his head earnestly. 

When a pair of sweat drips occurs in his forehead, Hoseok uses the back of his hand to wipe. Even though he tries hard not to be obvious while dripping anxiety sweats, everyone in the room can regardable as a smart man, plus they were knowing him for a long time so it was useless for Hoseok to try to act cool. He lets a little gasp, pouting, ''Yeah, Y/N. She... she looks like a good person. Yeah..'' 

''Good enough to makes you want to slide in her pants?'' Hoseok gasps dramatically, facing Jimin's big grin with a hand on his chest. He could die from embarrassment. 

''Jimin-ah! Stop talking nonsense.'' Jimin's hand wraps around his shoulder, rubbing the spot where his hyung just put a punch, it hurts enough to make him regret what he said but he can't control his tongue when he is with them and the alcohol in his veins. ''Don't make me yell again. I'm working tomorrow,'' 

Jimin's knitted brows start to ease, while his grin finds its place on his lips. But he shifts from where he sits, abstaining from hyung's punch before saying what he has in his mind. ''Does Y/N have an appointment tomorrow?'' he sizes the man in dark hair, flushed pink cheeks in joy. Hoseok doesn't want to look curious and tries to hold his body stable, not moving a muscle or landing an eye on Jin. But he is burning in curiosity, his fingertips numb with the memory of him touching, patting your arm fills in his mind. 

The heated body, radiating too much agony. And for some reason, he can't quite understand, but he knows that he hates to see you like that. How many times did he see you before, three? In every one of them, you looked burned out, terrified. He doesn't know what he hates the most. The sorrow in your eyes or the way you startled in every situation. He doesn't know, nor he understands, put logic in it. But he wants to make sure of your well being. Not knowing you or you being his friend's patient won't stop him, he knows it for sure. Unless you want him to stop. 

''It's not that scary, right hyung?'' with the poke on his shoulder, Hoseok tears from his thoughts, and you. But little did you know, the image of your bright stare in the hospital exit never leaves Hoseok's mind. Haunts him every minute. 

''R-right, not that scary,'' Hoseok nods while the thought of you being a witch wanders on his mind. He is sure that he got caught up in your spell. 

How many times can a person make mistakes? Does it have any statistics, or it's up to that person's imbecility? If you try to count the mistakes you made, you probably would drown under them like a used chocolate packet. But thinking about past mistakes could not give anything in return. Therefore, you focused on today and the days that were waiting for you. 

Searching on the internet about pregnancy, reading all the comments about it didn't help you the way you want. Moreover, it just turned you into a confused wreck. To be more clear, you were looking at how a pregnant woman feels about it, and if you were making a mistake for not choosing abortion. It didn't help because they all wrote how good to be pregnant and being a mother. How they felt amazing and the special bond between them and their babies.

The one bond you couldn't feel for a particular reason. 

They all wanted to be a mother, thinking about this a lot and then deciding the time they want. And the ones who got pregnant by accident or without wanting at first, get used to all the hardship with their partner unlike you. 

It was useless, and just remembered how lonely you are. So you had to close the laptop before you broke it. Thanks to your pregnancy brain, you never felt this unstable in your life. It was being on a roller coaster with never-ending ups and downs. One second, you were feeling above the clouds, happiest woman ever, and then bam, something just snaps and you can't ease the need to break something. Preferably someone's neck. 

''Yah! From earth to the woman who is drooling,'' when Taehyung snaps his finger on your face, you flinch with the sudden move. Tearing yourself from your thoughts, you size the lovely boys who are staring at your face. ''What were you thinking that deeply?'' 

''And use this. Geez,'' taking the white napkin from Namjoon's hand, you push it to your drooling chin. It was surprising how much saliva your body produces. Almost equal to a Lama. ''It was nothing. Just... just thinking about work and stuff, you know,'' 

Namjoon tsks, lifting his brows in disbelief. ''And I should believe this?'' you shrug one shoulder, throwing the napkin on the table after folding in your palm. You also read about pregnancy drooling. At first, you did not believe it, but as you can see how much you do it was impossible not to believe. ''Believe it or not, it's the truth I'm telling you.'' 

''Aish... stubborn as always,'' Taehyung rolls his eyes at you, pulling his eyes from you to land on Yoongi who sits right beside you. ''Are we watching the movie as we are all together and no work tomorrow?'' he sizes you all, eyes gleaming with expectations. 

''The one you never shut your mouth about?'' Yoongi asks, showing how he got sick of his countless insists to watch a certain movie with them because he was the chicken in the group. ''It's fine by me but is it okay to watch scary movies during pregnancy?'' he continues after Taehyung nods in excitement, but once Yoongi points at the elephant in the room, his mood visibly fades. 

''I don't think so,'' guessed as the elephant in the room, ''They never said anything about it. Both Seokjin and the internet so yeah, why not. Let's get over with it,'' you waved your hand, trying not to turn this into something big. 

When Taehyung wiggles his body in weal, Yoongi scoots over, landing his arm over your shoulders and pulling you close. ''You can always hug me if you feel too scared, you know?'' he grins, patting you on the shoulder. The daringness of the boy always manages to shock you, leave you speechless. But Namjoon acts before you can say anything, ''If she can't find you, there is always another man who waits for her. Right, Y/N?'' he made the effort to sound sneering. You give the finger as a response, but he finds it amusing. 

''Wait-Who are you talking about? Yourself?'' the ash-blonde haired man's eyes go wide, brows tilted. Pout on the lips looks adoring on him, as cheeks get even more fluffy. You want to laugh but you cover your mouth with your hand before sending menacing eyes at Namjoon. 

''Huh. No, aish... no way. I'm telling this one last time, she is not my type. Sorry, honey but I'm talking about Damian. The man who always tries to get in your pants, remember?'' You shush him off immediately. The level of restraining you had against your anger getting lower by the unabashed smile he sends at you. 

''He is not trying...'' as everyone knew how Damian treated you, always tried to do something for you, you did not feel the need to talk back. Teahyung laughs while Namjoon fills his mouth with the cupcake he bought for you. There is no need to say he ate half of them. 

''That man waits on a leash for you, and don’t even fight me on this. You know that.'' Namjoon said, his voice sounded hoarse because of the cupcake he was rolling in his mouth. 

''I agree with Namjoon-ah on this. I saw it with my bare eyes, he is so whipped for you.'' Taehyung backs up, leaning to steal a cupcake from the plate. Even though you know they were right, you didn't want to talk about him anymore. He had a thing for you or not, either way, you didn't want to think about a man in this circumstance. 

''He can wait all he wants, but we all know this pretty lady only has one man in his heart,'' when he gets sick of the topic and hearing the name of a man his friend's talking about, he decides to step in. Yoongi suppresses you on his chest tighter, wrapping you with his warm arms. ''And that man is me, right?'' 

Humming at his question, you wrap your arms around him and let yourself find comfort in his soothing affection. 

The four of you grow together, got more and more close in time, but contrary to Namjoon and Taehyung friendship it was different with Yoongi. You two met when you both had a bad breakup, and were suffering yourself every day. So, your relationship took a different path after a while, it turned into something more platonic. Neither of you had feelings towards each other but finding comfort and serenity in one another company. It wasn't anything physical if you don't count the comfy hugs, tiny kisses, and holding hands when one of you needed it. 

It happened only when you two felt lonely at the same time, and never crossed the line of friendship. It was a harmless, tiny platonic relationship, and you both loved the way it's going. 

You squish yourself deeper in Yoongi's hold when Taehyung started the scary movie. Between Taehyung's screams and Namjoon's criticisms, you giggled when they started to bicker with each other. And in moments like this, you felt extremely happy. Thankful for having them, the chosen family of yours. It was a great way to have a break from feeling miserable and lifeless. 

‘‘Not right for god sake! I said left, yes, a fucking left!’’ you scream at the man who drives, knowing your words sound harsh, you couldn’t help but not caring a bit as the pain in your inguinal area disturbs you. Yet, your screams and constant curses won’t help the redhead to drive decently, or not miss a turn. Trembling hands help him as much as you while he drips red sweat from his forehead. ‘‘Okay, okay… Can you not shout and leave my eardrum alone. Chill a little woman, geez…’’ 

‘‘Have this burning feeling between your legs, and then try to tell me to shut my mouth. Dickhead!’’ You didn’t know why but you were sure of having a urinal affection that tries to kill you for sure. It started two days ago but it only annoyed you while peeing, but after a while it started ache without even landing your back on the toilet. You could only crawl your legs and press them together to abstain from the pain, yet it was useless. 

Taehyung, the lucky man who is driving you to your appointment, wipes the sweat on his forehead, breathing out from his nostrils in annoyance. ‘‘Sure. I won’t forget that,’’ he snaps back, rolls his eyes at you. His grip on the wheel loose after a while, as he doesn’t want to turn this situation even harder for you. Peeking an eye on you, he decides to melt the ice between you and himself. One hand on the wheel, other reaches out and holds yours tightly, and puts a boxy smile on his face. ‘‘Just hang a little okay? We are almost there.’’ Even though you want to spit on his face one second ago, with the sudden affection your heart decides to melt under his caring gaze. 

You will never get used to these abrupt ups and downs. Not in a million years. 

‘‘Well, I’m not giving birth, don’t I? At least, yet,’’ he giggles, shoulders move a bit with the vibration of his laugh. Thankfully, Taehyung didn’t decline your call when you desperately called him after Yoongi, as you knew you couldn’t handle driving a car in these situations, and taxi drivers always get on your nerves so using them with these hormones wouldn’t end well. Taehyung took the savior role and didn’t lose himself even though he had enough of your filthy mouth, at least he was still driving you to hospital. Not dumping you on the road even though he considered this for a minute. 

‘‘Want to wait for me to park the car or meet you there?’’ he cuts your thoughts while pulling the car in front of the entry. Moving swiftly, you open the door and almost run to the elevators after telling him a simple ‘there’, leaving him behind. Heading to the elevator, you act like you are not having the thought of the man who has a heart-shaped smile. You didn’t even know his name, as you trick yourself into this idea. You press the button after entering the grey elevator with a couple of people, two of them step out with you on the third floor, heading to a different direction. 

While you were walking to your doctor office, for the first time in weeks, you didn’t feel heavy on the heart. Not that you were not anxious, but it was different now. The ball of sweats didn’t crept towards your forehead, heart wasn’t beating like it was going to explode, or the way your eyelids stayed dry. Normally they would go puffy from wetness by now. But here you are, standing inches away from Doctor Kim’s door, and not having a slight terror beating on your throat. 

This is a first for you. And probably for your doctor too as he always witnessed your breakdowns. What a pathetic loser, he must think about you, as you did think just like that. 

‘‘Welcome, Y/N,’’ Doctor Kim reacts by standing up after seeing you, holding his hand up to greet you. You couldn’t help not to mirror his smile, squeezing his hand with a pleased smile, happy to see him. ‘‘You look good. Things have been going good, I guess?’’ he asks, pulling his hand to gesture you to sit in your usual place. For a second, you stay silent, not knowing what to say as you didn’t want to lie for some reason. Knowing he is always caring and sweet towards his patients, he still manages to make you feel special in a way. Probably thinking dumbly, but you feel close to this man, and wanted to share the truths. Even though you were not sure if things have been going good, or the total opposite. Well, you were still dealing with pregnancy hormones, morning sickness, and constant urinal issues - ignoring the unwanted pregnancy -, but you can say you were more optimistic these days? You didn’t know, had no idea… 

Sitting on the black couch where he gestured, you bob your head, gathering your thoughts. ‘‘To be honest, I don’t know how I feel. You know about the pregnancy mind and emotions. I think I’m trying to be better,’’ he gives a polite smile, white pearls appear behind his lips. ‘‘Oh, that’s good news. At least we are trying to overcome the negativities, huh?’’ you giggle, nodding while your heart warmed with the way he mentions ‘we’. Not throwing you under the bus, but also counting himself in, easing your anxiety day by day. You found yourself lucky. 

‘‘So, painful urinates.’’ his expression changes in a minute to a professional doctor he is from a friendly one. Eying the papers for a couple of minutes, he holds out a tiny paper to you before adding, ‘‘Let’s have a urine test, first.’’ he smiles again, and informs you about the floor you should go to. 

You already hate taking these tests, have to pee in a cup and all the humiliation you felt after holding it in your hand in the corridor, in front of all those people. Like it wasn’t enough, you couldn’t drop a little drip in a damn cup. Exhaling the air in your lungs, you wipe the sweats from your forehead. Of course, nothing will work in the way you wanted, have to drive you crazy before. ‘‘Why, why, why exactly I can’t pee?’’ you groaned, lifting your pants and pulling the zip before washing your hands two times - because who would wash one time -, and you exit from the toilet to meet with your friend. ‘‘I can’t pee,’’ you sat in defeat, shoulders dropped dead on your body, and you watched your friend’s laughs and snorts that filled the corridor. At least one of you had fun today… 

‘‘You look all pouty and teary just because you can’t pee?’’ he hits his knee with one hand, lips reaching from ear to ear, while you eye him with a crabby gaze. This man wants a punch. ‘‘Ohh… God, you are so cute,’’ he continues to giggle while arms pull you into a hug, one kiss lands on your hair. Then, he informs you to wait for him, and leaves you there to overthink. It’s funny how life treats you sometimes, when you think. You literally wake up every hour to pee from your comfy bed, but when it’s come to an important task, your urinal system decides not to do the thing that it does for a thousand times a day. Hah, funny! Not that you are surprised, though. Looking at your past, nothing came easy, hence, never left without making a big fuss. You did get used to all the trembling mess in your life, but all you wanted was to pee without having a meltdown. Is it too much to ask? Aish… just when you thought everything going alright, not suffocating you with handicaps on your way and such things like-

‘‘For a person who holds a plastic cup, you look very sad.’’ a honeyed giggle interrupts your overthinking, forcing your attention on itself. And with a slight surprised gaze, you had nothing to do other than facing the oh so familiar sound. ‘‘Do you need help?’’ 

‘‘With this?’’ you hold the cup high, now surprised more than before. Watching the man giggle visibly, after seeing your wide open eyes. 

‘‘What! Of course not.’’ he almost shrieks with a mocking attitude. ‘‘It was a way more general question than it’s heard.’’ finally he stops laughing, giggling after sitting right beside you. Brown gaze locked on you after silence takes over your small conversations, but you don’t feel uncomfortable the way you should. The way you thought you should act if you run into him again, but the annoying fondness toys with your heart. After the day you last saw him, you regretted shortly after the way you acted all needy, as a fragile little girl. You still can’t believe how you felt heartbroken when he didn’t find a way to drive you home. What were you? Some girl who can’t control her emotions or hormones? And no, using pregnancy as an excuse won’t work this time. You had strict rules to obey. No man must go near to your heart. 

‘‘Doctor Kim wanted a urine test?’’ Hoseok tried to look cool, asking nonchalantly and tried to trick himself as he only wondered about this as a nurse. Not out of curiosity about your situation or health. Badly wishing you would fool around and not hit him on the head. 

‘‘Hmm. Probably an infection. He wanted a test.’’ you nod, chewing your bottom lip while his chocolate orbs never leaves your face. While your fingers play with the cup, eyes locked on them as you are afraid to look him in the eye, not trusting yourself enough on not blushing all over while eying him. He had some kind of an effect on you, and you hated that. You really did. He leans closer when you scream internally, ‘‘There is something,’’ he murmurs before the touch of his fingertips lick your cheek a bit, feeling the tremble on his hand while he takes a tiny leaf from your hair. It was stupid to feel, but the scene had resemblance with the tv dramas. Both of you stayed dumbfounded as he dared to touch you, of course, you were too close and air left the tiny space. Under the spotlight you two were frozen, waiting for a miracle to move. Something happened soon after, but you may not call it a ‘miracle’ as it was your dumb friend, who yelling at you from across the corridor. 

‘‘Y/N-ahhh!’’ A couple of eyes landed on Taehyung in disbelief, a couple of ‘tsc’s murmured by the older ones, and immediately the young man shut his mouth. Holding his hand above his parted lips, embarrassment turns his cheeks scarlet, heart beating inside of his throat. But all the embarrassment dies after Taehyung spots you and the man right beside you, hand on your hair, the same scarlet on his face. Then Taehyung visibly changes, and you know what is about to happen that you hated so much. Before you could open your mouth to say something, or Hoseok lands his hand, your friend was there. Taking deep breaths, nostrils getting big with every breath. ‘‘I’m Taehyung, and you?’’ wanting to slap your forehead, or his face, you stood up and Hoseok followed your act. 

‘‘H-hey. Hoseok,’’ Hoseok holds his whimper when the red haired man tries to break his hand in the handshake. He doesn’t understand the situation, or why this man looks like he was about to rip his head off, but Hoseok couldn’t help to push his chest up a little bit to show he is not intimidated by the man in front of him. ‘‘Hahaha, how you meet with each other kindly, huh? Hoseok is the best nurse in this hospital as Doctor Kim said,’’ you try to ease the moment, but the words all sound shrill, ‘‘And Taehyung is-’’

‘‘Taehyung,’’ your best friend for life, wraps his arms around you, pulling you closer to his body. With dreadful eyes you scan his face, then landing on Hoseok, watching the strain on his jaw. ‘‘Nice to meet you,’’ Taehyung adds, and you want to punch him. Oh gosh, you want to punch him so bad on the balls. Until his know-it-all, stupid face reddened. He was forcing your restraining level, pushing you too much with the protective acts of him. Between your internally crisis, you land an apologetic gaze on Hoseok’s, wishing him not to care of your stupid friend’s attitudes. 

‘‘Yes. Yes, of course, nice to meet you, too,’’ Hoseok bids his goodbye after taking his hand from Taehyung’s grip, as kind as he can manage. Trembling left hand finds a way to ease the act by wandering on his hair, ruining it. He doesn’t know why the burning ball dropped at his chest out of nowhere, or why his breaths become so fast. Wanting to punch himself in the face, he can’t get rid of the image of the arm over your shoulders. Blood almost meets with air when he bites down his lip, a feeling clawing his chest, but he doesn’t know what it is. He doesn’t want to learn, either. 

‘‘Ouch!’’ Taehyung voices a hoarse whine, rubbing the skin under his rib cage. An instant ache raised after the touch of your elbow, landing on him with a great aspect. ‘‘Did I play good?’’ he tries to laugh but with the pain he wheezes, playfulness wiped from his face. 

‘‘What was that?’’ slapping him one more time, you raged. Hoseok’s back already lost in the corridor, but remembering how his face dropped down, and a terrible anguish struck your heart. Of course it was only because Taehyung mocked him, that was why you felt this stinging guilt. Yeah, that’s why. ‘‘What was what? I think I played well. Shouldn’t we protect you from the danger going around?’’ he asked like it was the obvious thing. Surprise on the face. 

‘‘Who are ‘we’, exactly?’’ 

‘‘Well, you know. Me, as your best friend, also Namjoon. And Yoongi, not that I can count him as your friend, but yeah… You see, that is we,’’ he points, dropping a quotation mark on the air. Breath, yes just breath and ignore the boiling anger inside of you. It would be the best thing to do. ‘‘And here, drink this bottle. Sure you’ll pee like an elephant in a minute.’’ Before taking the bottle from his grip, you tried to say something, abortively parting your mouth only to close it in a minute as you don’t know what to say. The redhead eyes you as if nothing happened, like he didn’t do anything wrong a minute ago, and you didn’t know which word would shake his mind. Maybe a slap, or even a kick would work but with a living creature inside of your belly, you won’t kick anybody. Even if that anybody boils your blood, inflames your migraine. 

Audibly gulping you drink the water swiftly. Hitting the bottle on his chest, you turn to sit where Hoseok just left. An itchy feeling appeared on your chest, leaning to your fingertips by your arms, and you wanted to do something. Probably it was a dumb idea, but for some reason you had an urge to explain who was Taehyung actually, why he was here and all the question in his mind. Even though some part of you screams at you, writing the sane thing with red color. Why would he have any questions in his mind? Or, why would he want an explanation from you? 

Not knowing exactly if it’s okay to eat diet biscuits, you send another crumb to your mouth, crushing it slowly between your molar teeth. A kid looks at you with wide eyes beside you, she points you to show how scary you look while looking at the floor in a trance to her mother. Which you don’t know what was going on in the world as thinking about nothing was way more entertaining than watching the others. Plain biscuit didn’t put a joy in your mouth, rather it tasted like grass. Not that you knew how grass tasted like, or not that you waited for an explosion in your mouth out of joy. All these useless thoughts wander on your mind, keeping you busy while you wait for your test results. Surprisingly, your dummy friend advised you the reasonable thing, like a broken clock showing the right time twice a day, he used his dusty brain for once. After gulping down a bottle of water, a wave of need had hit you on the inguinal area. All you needed to do was wait for the moment, but you were too impatient to do so. Hitting the table with your fingertips, keeping a broken rhythm, humming to yourself got boring after you started. A ball was going right to the left in your blank head, you were able to hear the sound of emptiness. 

‘‘I don’t want to eat this!’’ in the crowded hospital canteen a voice comes out, beating all the other sounds and tickling your ears. ‘‘No. I said no!’’ when the woman tried to feed the little satan again, he jerked his hand and hit the spoon on the woman's hand. Geez. A cold drop takes a track all the way down your spine, causing you to shiver in shock. The satan in the shape of a little boy started to cry soon after the spoon met with the floor, kicking the table and smacking the food on the ground. You were stunned, speechless for a moment as the scene continued by the little boy having a tantrum right beside you. Calling him with such a bad name didn’t bring you any guilt, moreover, you think it suited him well. Red on the face, constant punch on the air and wobbly screams coming out of the boy made some resemblance with the evil force in him. Not that you knew much about babies or little kids, but this boy looked at least four or five years old, yet he managed to put fear in your gut. 

A bucket of cold water dropped by your head, waking you from the trance you dive into. You had no idea about raising a baby, or taking care. It was hitting you with a wave of truth that you had no ability to look out for a baby, while you can’t even survive from the winter on your own. Never thinking of raising the baby in your belly, you never applied to an adoption foundation, though. What were you thinking? You would get used to this, being pregnant, being a mother? Suddenly you would expect the baby, out of nowhere? 

You were acting foolish, reckless and immature. Always having hard times without a father, how could you think you can raise a baby on your own. And until now, you didn’t know that you had such a dump idea. Did you really want to raise a baby on your own, you weren’t quite sure about it, but you never researched the many ways of adoption. Bitterness floats around your tongue, your grip on the biscuit hardened, until there is nothing but a bunch of crumbs. Cold wet stick on your back, black shirt becoming the second skin while your eyes wander around everywhere. Having multiple panic moments these last weeks, you read much about pregnancy depression, which they mostly said it was okay to feel depressed or down because of the uncertainties of your emotions. They were up and down in a blink, filling your stomach until you threw them out with a retch, waking you up with heavy breaths in the middle of the night. That’s why, you always found yourself thinking if this would be much easier with somebody, with… him. Sticking your tongue between your teeth, you hate yourself for thinking about him, the man who ran away from you with toes hitting his butt. And all these pregnancy hormones were confusing your mind, causing you to barking up the wrong tree. 

While you were feeling under the water, fighting with your thoughts to see clearly, a sweet melody of a laugh interrupted the stinging flood of negativities on your mind. Something snapped, and all the scars started to heal after hearing a simple giggle. 

Holding your head up, letting the soothing tone sail into your skin, kissing all the stitches to heal by soft touches, you eyed him. Growing pains chucked away against the pressure of the thrilling balm, honeyed warmness bloomed in your chest after witnessing the mouth curling a heart-shape. He was close enough for you to see the glowing wriggle in his eyes, and you wanted to curl, cover your body with the thought of its beauty. For a second, you wanted to let yourself find the momentary tranquility under his magic, even though it was black. Even though it was harmful for you, too soothing, too good to be true. 

‘‘H-hi,’’ with a croaky voice popping on your mind, you shake your head to come back to reality. The reality where Hoseok was standing behind the table, a timid smile on his face, feeling uneasy. 

Hands crossing each other's way, you stare him blankly, mouth barely spills the greeting. ‘‘Still waiting for the reports?’’ he asks after coughing to get rid of the hoarse voice, billion reasons wandering inside his mind, telling him not to talk with you after what happened on the second floor, but the unknown reason holds his legs tight. Conversely, the part of him, where the logic was long lost can’t ignore the doleful lines on your face. Hundred promises lost its effect with one glimpse towards your direction. Promising, taking oaths for not talking to you was useless over the way his heart reacted after seeing the way you sit all alone. His guts, senses, brilliant mind were nothing but a bunch of trash when it comes to you, and the more he hated the way he walked over his own promises, the more he found himself in a deep hole, where he can’t think of anything but you. As his friend said before, he was stupid. Hoseok knew this very well. 

‘‘Yeah, still waiting. But, it’ll be over soon,’’ you cracked a tiny smile, scanning his face until a voice cut the moment, but Hoseok’s lips never moved. 

‘‘Hey, it’s Jimin,’’ hand hanging in the air, you stared at the man for a second before reacting. Slightly long dark hair falls on the side of his forehead, a tender smile turns his pupils into half-moons, self-assuredness can easily read. ‘‘The best nurse you can run into,’’ he nods to emphasize his words. But his cockyness fades after Hoseok adds ‘pre’ to his caption, holding your laugh back you cover your palm over your mouth. Hiding your grin back as you don’t want to offend the boy you just met. ‘‘Hi, it’s nice to meet. You can call me Y/N,’’ hearing your name, a light ignites in his half-moons, passing by in satisfaction. 

‘‘You don’t mind if we sit together, right?’’ mischievous glares stare deep in you, like he tries to prevent you from saying no, yet you had no intentions to say that. ‘‘We don-’’

Hoseok eyes you in surprise after you cut his words half, not expecting you to agree on what Jimin just said. The smile on your lips shocks him as well, getting cramps on the heart when you land your eyes on him that softly. ‘‘Of course, that would be good. Having a company sounds good,’’ 

‘‘Where is your…-red haired man?’’ a bizarre tone rises from Hoseok when he takes his place on the chair beside you. Before answering him, the embarrassing scene plays on your mind, sending a bunch of curses to the man who drives himself away from the hospital. You curl an apologetic smile. ‘‘He needed to leave. You know, work calls,’’ allowing yourself to feel stupid, blaring giggle popped out of you. It sounded fake, as you were still ashamed of Taehyung’s behaviours. He only nodded, not adding anything until the black haired one leaves to get something to drink. It was silent between you, but nervousness could cut a wire. Both the way his jaw tenses every other minute, and the way your eyes never land on him more than three seconds, you can sense the awkwardness. Never seeing him like this also disturbed you even though you only run into him for like three times. But as soon as the younger one moved away, chary words spilled by his lips. 

‘‘W-was he the father of the baby?’’ Hoseok asked, knowing he is crossing the line big time, but the vexed part of him clouds his logic. Even though he curses himself being this immature, he can’t help the vain need that grows inside of him to learn the truth. Even before seeing your face getting white, lips parting abruptly with an unexpected question, Hoseok knew he shouldn’t ask the question, but witnessing the way you react, he curses himself one more time. ‘‘Who? Taehyung?’’ As you weren’t waiting for him to ask such a question, he wasn’t expecting you to laugh until your body became involved in your laughter. Stuttering, being unable to complete your word, you hold your finger on the air to ask for a minute to gather yourself. For a moment of thinking Taehyung as the father of the baby in your belly made you giggly mess because of the abruptness of it. You not only want to retch with the thought of it, but also want to laugh until your muscles stop working. ‘‘No! Oh, o-of course, no.’’ forgetting where you were, you burst out. 

‘‘Oh, okay?’’ ignoring the dense relief, Hoseok hesitated. Not knowing what to say in return as you were trying to hold your laugh back. 

‘‘S-sorry but thinking of him as that just wrecked my nerves for a moment.’’ wiping the tears from your eyelids, you continued. ‘‘He is my friend. Best friend to be exact. He did act silly before, sorry for that either. He think he needs to protect me.’’ as you gave too much information at one, Hoseok’s pupils grew bigger, and weren't expecting to receive such a reply. He doesn’t even try to hide his amused smile back, shamelessly showing it out. ‘‘Good,’’ he commented before causing a big, heavy silence between you two. As you eyed him in a moment of confusion glowing in your eyes, weighing the meaning behind the word, you were utterly surprised. Was it just to fill the space, or he meant something else, you never truly understand, but decided to lure yourself into thinking it meant nothing. Otherwise, you were in a state of having no control over your emotions, and god knows what that simple world would do to your mind, playing games until you found yourself curled in your sheets, losing the pitiless game. You had lived that more than once, but in this situation, it would tousle you and throw your parts messily. 

Dropping himself on the chair, Jimin spread the husky mood. ‘‘Here hyung, your latte.’’ He pushed the glass to Hoseok’s direction, smiling sweetly, he didn’t forget you. Putting the scarlet cup in front of you, knowing the pleasant scent devours your nostrils in no time. ‘‘And this is for you. It’s my favorite so I hope you’ll like this,’’ he adds, gaze glowing happily. 

‘‘Ah. Thank you,’’ before taking a sip, you murmur, bowing your head little to show your gratitudes. Risky mood runs away after the hot liquor lingers around your mouth, playing, tickling your tongue over and over until it has lost its ruins. Well, you can say that you liked Jimin without having any lack of sympathy before he even treated you with the oh so familiar taste. It was soothing, alarming your senses to ease kind of a taste, and you remembered how your mother always made a cup of this tea whenever you gave her a tantrum. It never mattered if the tantrum was caused because you wanted a shoe, or rejected by those companies over and over again. And for a split moment your heart jammed between the agonizing longing over seeing her crow's foot while your mother smiles endearingly. ‘‘What is this?’’ 

Seeing how your face lightens with the flush crepting up your face, Jimin waits a second to answer. ‘‘It-it’s my mother's recipe. Why?’’  

‘‘You serious?’’ mouth falling open, having no control over the tone of your voice, you yowled. Without wasting another minute, you gulp down the second sip. Licking the taste out of your lips, a smile beamed to your face.

‘‘W-why?’’ stuttering his words, Hoseok leaned closer. Dramatic dread banged his face in a flash of light, but before he could gather his senses, Jimin’s mischievous eyes caught him. 

‘‘My mother always made this when I felt angry or emotionally sick. Even now,’’ giggling away your embarrassment as you shared much again. Seeing the way Hoseok’s dimple color the side of his upper lips as it gets smaller with the curling smile. His eyes glistened with the dim joy covering over his chest. And it affected you. ‘‘So who made them?’’ you look back as you were able to see the creator of your childish happiness, and attempt stealed a tiny laugh from Jimin’s lips. 

‘‘It’s a secret for now,’’ with a twisted smile curling his face, he swallowed a big sip from his coffee. ‘‘As we need to leave now. Right hyung?’’ Two pairs of eyes land on Hoseok, who was locking his gaze on you with an adoring smile on the corner of his lips. Not wanting to show it on your face, you were heartbroken a little as he just got here. They. They just got here. And you can’t deny that you had fun talking with Jimin, sharing the same recipe from your mother’s was exciting. But you had to gulp down your disappointment after seeing the mealy eyes, you faked a giggle. ‘‘I will be okay if you’re looking at me like that because you think I’m too powerless to be left alone.’’ To be honest, you lied to avoid revealing any kind of negative expression. Including yourself, as you repeat that you don’t need someone to hold your hand and wait by your side. Liar. 

‘‘Did you came here with your car?’’ he was about to turn his back when the idea hit him, and he gestured his body towards you once again. Reminding you of the absence of any vehicles to take you back to your not so lovely, cold home. Whether you were exaggerating the situation of your home, you blamed the loneliness. It made you feel cold in there, like a lost puppy, who can’t find the way back home. ‘‘Uber gonna work for me today,’’ you hinder the unnecessary thoughts of you, smiled naively. Then, ecstasy glowed in his browns. Like he detected something way good to celebrate it with a genuine grin. ‘‘If it’s okay, I’d like to drive you back. I had a semi-promise as I remember?’’ 

This was unexpected. As you stare at him back, lips parted slightly due to the maze you found yourself in, feeling a bit funny. Hoseok felt the urge to continue as you stayed staring as you just swallowed a stick. ‘‘My shift is almost over, so you don’t have to wait too long. But only if you’re comfortable,’’ 

‘‘O-okay.’’ Comfortable? Was he joking or he was that oblivious to the way you move, act like a fool around him. ‘‘It would be fine, I guess..’’ your voice trailed off in the end. Afraid to be a burden on him, you were about to turn down his offer. But a blooming, heart-shaped smile put you back on the place. He wasn’t doing these to look kind, he was kind and really wanted to help you out. Even though you weren’t aware of that. 

Wetting his lips ecstatically, his fingers met with his hair as he didn’t know where to put them. ‘‘Then I’ll be at the front gate in half an hour later?’’ he noted. Waving his goodbye, as you mimicked him back without forgetting Jimin, telling him how glad you are that you met him. His half-moons appeared as he bid his goodbye back, wrapping his arms around you tightly. It surprised you how sincere he was, but you put aside your cold-hearted acts for a second to hug him the same way. Which, it felt nice. Now, you were going to wait for him after seeing Doctor Kim, and get your medicine. You knew he would give you an antibiotica as you were aware of the current situation. Yes, it is good. Think about antibiotics to press down your horror, your anxiety over being driven to your home by Hoseok. That would hold back your mind from whirling around. 

Life was funny. The way it worked amazed everyone in this world as well as you. It was funny because you were a mess not long ago. Agonizing, trembling waves of pain never left your chest for a moment, and you found yourself crying in every possible corner. Opposite to the current emotions howling inside of you. Heart stepped closer to the edge of a skyscraper, almost ready to jump with the non stop thrill pumping out of it. After feeling like ages now, you feel the blooming tiny happiness inside your chest. Besides being a good thing, it was also terrifying as you were broken like a glass, torn into million pieces by the love of your life. At least you thought he was the one. Luckily or not, it came out as a false alarm. He wasn’t the one, and never intent to be. Stop thinking about that imposter you wrecked idiot. There was no way that he could make you sad anymore. Not that you had someone, or thinking about filling his old place. Speaking of the devil’s name, you were not thinking about Hoseok to fill his place, but he helped you in the way he wasn’t aware. You come to your senses, remembering you were still a living, breathing human being. Pregnant or not. It wasn’t the end of the world, and you will figure out what to do. Sooner or later. You always did. 

Maybe this, being all sunshine, a ball of optimism was an effect of Hoseok. Still, you were happy at the moment. Weren’t you?

‘‘Oh. You are here,’’ breathy voice came right beside you, tearing you apart from overthinking. And you made the first mistake by sizing him from head to toe. Seeing him in loose black sweatpants, green sporty jacket and darker shade of green t-shirt keeping a necklace above his chest, cost you. The damn glasses didn’t help you, as well. It tied your tongue how his façade changed with a simple outfit. He looked breathtaking indeed. Landing his beg from his shoulders, he pushed back his glasses on his nose. ‘‘I was anxious a bit that you’d left as it took more than I expected to come here,’’ 

A heavy breath turns into a silent hiccup, hitting you on the chest when his eyelids crinkles with an apologetic smile. This was going to be the biggest mistake you ever made - without counting your pregnancy, of course - and you didn’t pay much attention at the exact moment. It felt warm on the chest, if you had to find an excuse. ‘‘Were you? I just came here, too, so it's okay.’’ Forty minutes wasn’t that long and yes, one can say you just come here. 

‘‘Great then. Shall we?’’ Hoseok gestured to the exit, waiting for you to stand beside him. Both of you ignored the growing awkwardness for as long as you can. He was going to drive you home. It was a long road, and you couldn’t just ditch him without offering him something in return. 

Imitating him, you arrived in his car in the park. Shiny red car awakened your admiration. Not that you get paid poorly, or you knew much about cars, but you were smart enough to understand how expensive this car is. ‘‘Do you want me to open the heater?’’ 

‘‘Huh?’’ staring him like a deer in the headlight, you stopped brushing your hands to your pants. He caught you out of blue. ‘‘No, no. It’s not that cold. Just… just my cold hands, that’s all.’’ sinking deeper in the black leather seat, you gulped. Blinking unaware of how pale your face is, you blurt out a plane smile. Never thought of being a woman who likes his partners in such a power, or in great wealth, butterflies raised inside of you. As witnessing the way he grabbed the wheel like ruling a whole country caught your attraction. Was watching someone while driving count as a kink? You didn’t hope so. Fucking pregnancy hormones. 

‘‘Can you write the address on the navigation?’’ he pleaded, locking his seat belt. As you mirrored him before typing your address with a shaky hand. Since when giving your address stopped becoming a threat, you didn’t care. Finishing the task he gave, you leaned back happily. Anxiety still tried to get away where you pressed it down, wanted to eat your happiness alive and offer you the biggest panic attack you ever had. Fortunately, Hoseok managed to hold you at ease, even without working for it. After ten minutes of silence - and it was long enough for you to have a drip of sweats on your forehead - he broke it with an apology. ‘‘You can take back your apology that you bid for you friend’s behavior, as mine didn’t act very differently,’’ 

Releasing the bottom lip free from your teeth’s torture, you turned your head. ‘‘You don’t have to apologize for Jimin. He was sweet,’’ mentioning of his name, mischievous half-moons came alive in your mind. You smiled with the memory. Which Hoseok catched it with the corner of his eye. ‘‘I almost forgot the taste of that tea my mother made for me. So he did something very good for me,’’ you bobbed your head, continuing to smile. 

With the word ‘mother’, Hoseok’s memory of seeing you on the bench while crying, having a heart-to-heart talk with your mother rouse itself. Rusty weariness still visible in your façade, his heart sank into a familiar ache, remembering how desperate you looked before. Unintentionally he grabbed the wheel tighter, brows snapped together as he had no power to hold back the pain you were feeling. First time in his life, he felt useless and it bothered him so much. ‘‘Is she living far from you?’’ 

‘‘If you call two hours of car ride far, then yes?’’ lifting your brow up, you eyed his genuine smile. Eyes getting thinner with the weight of his cheek, milky teeth appeared. 

‘‘I never thought that you’ll turn out as a lazy person,’’ as your mouth takes the shape of an ‘o’, his giggles suffuse the car. ‘‘C’mon. Beat me if I’m wrong but you are not really thinking its long, right?’’ 

‘‘Well, can’t a woman be lazy in peace?’’ 

‘‘Yep, of course.’ holding his giggle behind, he struggled as you rolled your eyes. ‘‘You are totally. Totally had every right to be lazy. Over a two hours car ride,’’ covering his palm under his lips, honeyed cackles slipped away. He was lucky you found him cute. No. No you didn’t. 

‘‘Rude.’’ you crossed your arms above your chest, shifting your direction out of the car, watching the nearest things disappear in a moment. Cars, trees and buildings fading away until the vehicle slowed down a bit, and then stopped going as the red light blurted out. Knowing it will look childish to put an attitude over something this stupid, but for some reason, you also knew he wouldn’t find this abrupt. You would hold your mind busy with keeping an attitude towards Hoseok if your eyes hadn't caught two girls passing by in front of the car, eating the donut ice cream sandwiches in such a piquant way. You knew it was grilled donut, and you would sell your soul just to have one of them right now. Mouth watered with the sight, and tickling craving increased little by little. Covering every piece. If your lips have been locked together a tiny bit loosely, a drop of saliva would drip to the corner of your chin. You read a lot about pregnancy cravings, but you never had this strongly. Fingertips never itched to grab those sandwiches, tear them apart from the girl’s hand this much. Teeth nibbing the bottom lip, you clawed your palms to hold yourself back. At the verge of crying from the need you feel, shaky breath step in the nostrils. It wasn’t the place for this. Not now. Not in front of him. 

Eventually, the light turned green, car moved far away from the girls. From the ice cream sandwiches. Far away from the sweet, mesmerizing taste. Fuck this shit. You were about to lose your mind, and nothing took your mind from those sinful sweets you craved so much. Bottom lip starts to tremble with the amount of sadness you gather inside, head almost whirl around and you almost give away a big whine. It was so stupid to feel, but nothing was going to change the way you feel as you know about this--

‘‘Here we are!’’ the man on the wheel turned his head to give an eye curling smile. But your reaction confused him. Trembling lip, the tip of the nose got pink. Teary eyes wide open, looking upset. He had no doubt. You were looking like a little girl, and his heart grew soft. ‘‘Is everything ok-’’ 

‘‘Thank you for driving me,’’ the brittle voice came out shaky. First, you think about leaving the car as fast as you can and curl in your sheets and cry as you hold tears back, hardly. But the logical side of you found this cruel. Rude also. So you add before grabbing the door handle, ‘‘Can I offer you a cup of coffee? Or whatever you want?’’ 

Afraid of avowing his thrill, Hoseok bobbed his head. ‘‘I don’t want to tire you-’’

‘‘Hoseok, you drive me back all the way down. This is much I can do for you, so please?’’ If his heart didn’t explode before witnessing the warming scene, it was about to. As you said his name in such a tone, adding the cutting please at the end. He was about to lose his mind. That’s all. 

‘‘Okay but I have to get something. You go first, okay?’’ eyes flickered with bliss, your nod was enough for him as a response. 

Choosing stairs over the elevator, you breathe out. It was tiring but counting this as an exercise wasn’t the worst thing you had done. Still too burned out from the severe need of the particular dessert, you barely hold yourself on your feet. It was a tiring day. Very, indeed. Throwing your shoes aside, panic bloomed out of sudden. The living room looked like a war scene, and the man you just invited forcefully were about to witness this mess. Standing mortifiedly, you moved swiftly. Gathering the used napkins, dirty t-shirts and socks between your arms, immediately you throw them into your bedroom. He wouldn’t enter here, would he? 

Of course he wouldn’t you horny bastard!

Shaking your head, you turn back to collect the dirty bowls and cups from the table. You only be able to throw them into the sink but at least they belong to the kitchen. ‘‘The thing I get hype for,’’ you mumbled while adding coffee to the filtre on your machine. Pregnancy made your life boring. With these simple events, your heartbeats bobbed over your throat. But boring meant a simple life, and simple didn’t bother you that much. Well, you were going to give birth last than eight months later. Simple days didn’t sound that bad now. Thinking about the pain you will feel… Gosh, it was enough to send shivers to your spine. Opening the oven to boil water, you closed your eyes for a second. 

Knock. Knock. 

Your heart-shaped positivity wasn’t late. It was a bit weird for him to find your apartment right away, as it was his first time. But you didn’t want to bother yourself with such a lame topic, as you opened the door, greeting him with a big grin. He was a guest now. You better act responsible for once. ‘‘Welcome-’’ mouth hanging open, you falter. 

‘‘To be honest, I also love ice cream donuts.’’ your real life angel takes a step inside with a box in his hand. ‘‘But I also know how intense and painful can be the pregnancy cravings.’’ exploring his dimpled smile, you stand still in awe. Knees almost gave away with the piercing glee. 

‘‘How-.. how exactly you understand?’’ stuttering the words, his smile beamed bigger. 

‘‘You were looking at the donuts the same way Mickey stared at my steak. Not to be rude, but it was kinda scary seeing you like that.’’ fingers covering his mouth, lovely giggle slipped once more. And, for the thousand times today, you wanted to cry, but this time it was because of the weight of an armful of happiness. Gratitude. Seeing him all giggly, standing in front of you with a box full of donuts, his thoughtfulness warmed your heart. ‘‘Oh. Did I say do something bad? You look like you were about to cry-’’

‘‘Thank you,’’ words come out in a whisper, husky by the shoulder of him covering your mouth. As you hugged him. Without thinking further. Tightly. Well, when it comes to you, acting unresponsible wasn’t new, but with the new situation made everything even worse. Now, emotions were higher, heavier, wider inside. Plus, he was literally working on breaking your senses, you thought. Even though you sensed he wasn’t a person like that. All calculated and acting sneaky to trick you into something. He was doing all these out of sympathy, and how you didn’t know particularly, but it made everything even more irresistible. Him, to be more specific. 

‘‘S-sorry for…’’ after his hesitant arms letting you off, you gestured to the space between you two. The regret now shaped after your temerity, daring to do something like that whirled your stomach. It felt empty, or about to be empty.

His voice mirrored the caringness he puts out, ‘‘Hugging is not something you should be sorry for Y/N,’’ the taller’s heart fluttered inside his chest, like it had wings to do that. Childish joy filled his guts, seeing you can’t press your smile behind. It gave him a weird satisfaction. ‘‘And don’t want to pressure you or anything but are you going to let me in?’’ he tilted a brow, taunting you with the softest way possible. 

‘‘Oh, shit-..I mean ‘m sorry,’’

‘‘I thought we agreed not to say sorry anymore,’’ finding you while standing, open mouthed, and not knowing what to do, he decided not to push you anymore. It was fun to him, seeing you all going wide-eyes, lips parted in confusing, and the blush covering the fair cheeks. For the sake of your nerves, he pushed back the laughter when you gestured him inside in defeat. Though, you looked so cute, for his eyes. Shyness of you, the way you tried to pick the right words to spill them, or the way you get all high color of red when you revealed your true self, unintentionally, caused his desire to know you get deeper. It was too early to feel, but seeing you sitting in front of him with a cup of tea between your palms, eying the floor amusingly anxious, bloomed something in his upper body. 

‘‘Thanks for the coffee. It's delicious.’’ he gently commanded, pointing the cup in your direction to emphasize. Eyes of him fixed on your face, around your lips. A loud gulp trembling inside of your ears, you blinked. Too much. 

‘‘Do I… something on my face?’’ chewing the bottom lip, tap of your nails filled background with tensed noises. When he nodded and pointed to your face, you were surprised. As you weren’t expecting the blurted question would be real. 

‘‘Yep.’’ he touched his own face, ‘‘Little upper side of the lips,’’ 

Wiping the remains of the ice cream off of your face, you wanted to dive into between the floor and never come back. ‘‘Ahh,’’ you murmured a weak thanks, blank space between you and him getting bigger and bigger as the embarrassment filled your cup. Silence fell down on the space, the pressed worry now peeking its head out of you, while you brushed your palm over the leg. You didn’t know what you were expecting when you invited him over, as you nearly know each other, and maybe nothing in common to talk about. But the stargazer side of you hoped you would find something to talk about, and spontaneously you would come out as the funnest, lively person he met. Bet, you were someone he never met before but you did not think it was something to be happy over. 

‘‘So, you have a dog,’’ What again? This is your best shot to find something to talk with him? What a brilliant mind you had over there. Well, how could you blame him if he decides to leave you right now, right here. 

‘‘Ah, yeah. He is living with my family but yes, I can say that I have,’’ he points out kindly. Probably thinking what was wrong with you as you both looked and sounded dumb and the most boring- ‘‘I see you are living alone? No pet or a roommate.’’ he distracts you from the stressing thoughts that wandered around your mind, tiny uncertainty hanging on his face as he was afraid to pass the line.

‘‘I never thought about having a roommate, or a pet. Even though I like them beyond measure.’’ you continued after a pale smile occurring over your face. ‘‘Maybe in the future? Though, my mother would try to convince me not to, as I’m barely holding myself together,’’ you laughed weirdly as you confessed. He joined you with a wide smile. Mouth taking a shape of a heart, something snapped inside. You licked your lips in need. Something was playing with your air, as you hardly inhaled some. ‘‘Would you do everything your mother said?’’ 

‘‘Uhm… Probably, yes?’’ crinkling your brows, you gave a thought on it. 

‘‘But two hours of car ride still too much?’’ 

‘‘Hey!’’ wide smile turned into laughter when you protested, and soon after, you joined him. It was impossible to do anything else. The tone of the laugh sounded familiar, comfortable, euphoric, and joyful. And wrongly, it made you spill, blurt out the things you kept to yourself, without even thinking much. The mood turned into a gloomy one right after you started to talk. But it didn’t disturbed you the way you thought it would. 

‘‘I know… I know it’s not that long, but, as you know, this pregnancy thing is very new for me, and… and probably you guessed that, but I wasn’t expecting this. And clearly not handling it well. I just can’t confront her before I get used to this, and maybe figure it out what to do?’’ exhaling, heaviness of your chest lessened. ‘‘Unexpectedness of this is already hard and trying to handle this alone is even harder-’’

‘‘Alone?’’ Hoseok couldn’t stop himself before letting the word slip, he regrets it right after. When he cut you off, you realized you shared too much. Eying the cup of tea between your palms, as it had something inside and made you spill all of this. But, without having regrets you continued, worried chuckles jerked out by the lips. ‘‘Well, as it shows, when you aren’t the one who had a growing baby inside, it’s easier to run away.’’ 

‘‘Oh… I’m sorry,’’ Hoseok doesn’t know what to say in return. He is sorry indeed, but mostly angry. Unreasonable rage burning his chest, his eyes, his palms, he stays silent. His logic just can’t put two in two when it's come to think how someone can be this… this relentless. Memories of your broken face, voice, comes alive once again in his mind, now, everything makes sense. The hurt on your face, loneliness of your eyes. Now he understands why your voice always sounded so weak, so crushed. The blue never leaves your façade. It breaks Hoseok’s heart, but he is thankful as you opened your heart. He feels important. Someone you can talk to. And the elder promises not to hurt this trust you showed, innerly. He puts his anger aside, and focuses to make your face wrinkle with laughter. 

And, he does it. 

#heartsforbts #bangtanhq #bangtanarmynet #houseofddaeng #btsgoldnet #btswriterscollective #btswritingcafe #hyunglinenetwork #hoseok x reader #hoseok x you #hoseok fanfic #hoseok fluff #hoseok angst #jung hoseok #painkiller #dylanxmin

[rittz]

thoughts about being trans, idk where else to put them so here u go

it’s not like i don’t have trans guy friends to talk to about this, it’s just usually in the form of jokes or passing comments rather than an actually serious conversation. also, the transmasc people that i’m closest to identify more with the label “nonbinary” than i do-- it’s not like they couldn’t understand or relate to things i’m saying, but i’m just assuming that they probably don’t feel the exact same way i do

anyway, as a trans person we get often asked “so why do you feel like a [gender]?”, and the answer is usually some variation of “i just feel like it”. this is the most accurate but also vaguest possible answer, so i kinda wanted to break down my personal answer to that question?

basically, i identify as a man because i identify with men. in a general and also personal sense. gender stereotypes are something that trans people by necessity both embrace and reject. i relate to gender stereotypes about men more than those of women-- i’m less outwardly emotional, i like being handy, i don’t like kids, i have questionable personal hygiene, etc-- but obviously these things alone don’t make someone a man. however... you can’t deny that there is some general truth about behavioral differences between men and women (bc of society, not biology). men and women both experience different problems in the world, and each have trouble understanding the experiences and problems of the other. generally, i can relate to the experiences and problems of men more than those of women, even if it seems like i shouldn’t (for example, i am not afraid of walking alone at night, even though i am very tiny).

i, from a young age, have had a constant yearning for more male friends. i would occasionally choose to play video games as a male character. i was upset that i couldn’t be in boy scouts. i have been jealous of my younger brothers being treated by my parents the ways i wished i was treated. when i imagined myself older, i pictured myself less like my mom and more like my dad. when i’m around men, i want them to treat me like one of them. i want to be seen as a man.

and i think that’s what being trans really boils down to. wanting to be seen as someone other than how everyone sees you. wanting what you see on the outside to match how you feel on the inside. this obviously extends to nonbinary individuals, who face their own struggle when it comes to presentation. but at the end of the day, i think that presentation is equally important to gender identity as internal feelings. i mean, i think we’re all familiar with the research proving that transitioning makes trans people happier. surgery is an invasive, expensive, painful process that i DON’T think is necessary for every trans person, and HRT isn’t always easy to get. but changing a name, getting a new haircut, dressing differently, binding, etc. counts as transitioning. you don’t have to hate your body to be trans, but wanting to alter it in order to better connect your internal identity with your presentation, i think is necessary in order to consider yourself to be trans. 

i will admit i am confused by “GNC trans men” i see on tumblr and insta, who use he/him pronouns but exclusively present femininely. i’m not talking about trans guys who don’t yet pass, i mean trans guys who don’t want to. i don’t harbor any ill will, i’m just confused. if i understand being trans to mean “wanting what you see on the outside to match how you feel on the inside”, you can see how. doesn’t that make you feel dysphoric? don’t you want people who see you to read you as male? how is your life different from when you didn’t identify as male but presented the same way? this isn’t me trying to gatekeep on who’s “trans enough”, and especially when it comes to nonbinary identities it’s arbitrary to harp on presentation like this. but like, what’s going on here?

taking a turn here that will come back around, an extremely key component to why i identify as and with men is my sexuality. i have always idolized, envied, and evoked various queer icons from media and real life. the hunky, grunting, macho, hetero version of “man” never appealed to me the way that the fashionable, artsy, flirty, homo version of “man” did. drag queens, my mom’s hairdresser, glam rock stars, i could go on. associating my more feminine qualities with GAY stereotypes instead of FEMALE stereotypes suddenly made more sense, and made me feel less dysphoric. it’s also something that took me a long time to realize, because i had surrounded myself with queers who were mostly attracted to women. transmascs and butch lesbians historically have a lot in common, but personally, i didn’t relate as much to lesbians as i did to drag queens. in dating and loving men, i developed my understanding of them. but my attraction to men was why it had taken me so long to realize i felt more like a man-- i thought i was just some weird straight girl.

now, am i calling these “GNC gay trans men” with long pink hair and poofy skirts and conventionally attractive bisexual boyfriends “weird straight girls”? ...well, not to their faces. but i have to admit that i’m thinking it. these people would never go to a predominantly-male gay bar, these people would never be harassed on the street. i’m not saying i know someone’s identity better than they do, but i don’t agree with the liberal utopian ideal of “let everyone do whatever they want as long as they aren’t hurting anyone” when taken to mean that we can’t question other people’s choices. “why do you feel like a man?” is a question that, coming from another trans person, isn’t inherently transphobic. it’s not “forcing” someone to “prove” their “transness”, no one “owes” me an explanation of their identity. i’m just confused. i don’t disapprove of the way these people live their lives, i just want to know why.

a straight girl being feminine is different from a gay man being feminine, because it has less to do with personality and more to do with society’s historic view of gay men as closer to female than male because of the loving and fucking men aspect. an AMAB gay man wearing makeup and a crop top probably just wants to look good, but he is also signaling to other men that he’s gay via gender non-conformance. by being AFAB and female-passing, wearing makeup and a crop top is not GNC. in fact it’s pretty GC, and gay men will not recognize you as a gay man.

it’s easy to say “gender is fake so do whatever you want”, but like, we have to acknowledge reality. time is a social construct too, but we still use days of the week when talking to each other. strangers will treat you differently depending on what gender they interpret you as. different people will be willing to date you or not. you have to choose which public bathroom to go in. if being misgendered doesn’t bother these people, then who cares? but if it DOES, which it usually does, wouldn’t you want to take steps to prevent being misgendered in the future? if your desire to present femininely is stronger then your desire to be seen as male, then like... why call yourself a male at all? ultimately nothing these people do will really affect me in any way. it just makes me wonder if these people will eventually go on to present as male, or if they will later ID as nonbinary or even cis. i encourage people trying out different labels and exploring their identity, so it’s not like i think these people SHOULDN’T identify as trans guys. it’s more like, i wish they were able to articulate WHY they identify as trans more than “because i said so”. not wanting to be a woman doesn’t automatically make you a man, it just makes you not a woman.

maybe i’m particularly cynical because of the MULTIPLE times that people with larger online followings who identify and present this way have later turned out to be lying, manipulative people. hopefully it goes without saying that i do NOT think that everyone who identifies and presents this way is a toxic liar. the reason i bring it up is because some people genuinely can’t understand the possibility or purpose of misleadingly claiming a marginalized identity, but it can and does happen. an analogy could be made here about white people claiming indigenous heritage. we all WANT to believe what people say about themselves, and asking for “proof” is a social no-no. but we shouldn’t just... automatically trust everything someone says about themselves, right? and as bad as i WANT to live in a world where gender doesn’t matter and everyone default uses neutral pronouns and there are no divisions in clothing stores and bathrooms, we don’t live in that world (yet). when you are AFAB, /extremely/ femininely presenting, and have little to no plans of transitioning, saying “i am a man” will not make other people see you as one. and if you don’t want to be seen as a man, then maybe you aren’t one.

#lgbt #ftm #long...

[mononyann]

a while back people requested that i share some of my headcanons for certain bnha characters, so here's some of the characters that i did

Shota Aizawa

- he absolutely has at LEAST 3 cats, he spoils the heck out of them too. that's why he's always eating those gel packs... he spends too much on his cats.

- he really does love his class. and we all know honey??? u haven't expelled any of them. ur soft for them ok.

- he likes to sleep with his cats bc he gets lonely at night... he will not admit it, but he likes having someone/something there :)

- he has reuccuring nightmares about the usj attack and how he could have failed to save his students

- has a very low alcohol tolerance and often ends up getting dragged back to his apartment by mic or midnight when they go out whilst he rambles and whines the entire time

- he hates crying and tries his best to keep his emotions held in, he's only cried in front of a select few people

- he tries not to let others opinions on him rule his life and tends to block it out if someone hates him

- he doesn't know it, but he is the entirety of class 1-a's dad.

- he really likes tea, and dislikes sweets

- as you would expect, he takes his coffee black

Hanta Sero

- he really likes kpop! he stans multiple groups and really wants to attend a concert

- though he seems really chill on the outside, he's actually quite sensitive and has some self confidence issues

- he loves being around people and finds that he gets his energy from being around those he loves

- definitely into e-boy fashion, and he is open about it

- pierced his own ears at 3 am and called kaminari crying about how he screwed it up

- he actually likes to draw a lot in his free time, it's very relaxing. he puts on some nice low-fi music and draws for hours

- he hasn't had many crushes in his life and doesn't find romance to be a big issue currently, but he's open to anything

- accidentally taped his hamster to the ceiling in 2nd grade, he didn't mean to and cried for hours (the hamster was ok)

Nemuri Kayama

- she is a BRO, she likes to crack a cold one open with the boys on the weekends

- she is bisexual and thinks everyone is beautiful in their own unique ways

- most likely talks shit about her coworkers to her classes

- she thinks children are adorable and loves them, often scaring them with her enthusiasm

- very touchy, she loves hugs and will probably not pass up a chance to use you as an armrest if she has the chance

- she secretly worries about aizawa a lot and is scared that he lets the past effect him too much

- did you guys know she has a cat?!

- i like to think she and mic are like... EPIC bros, she loves to paint his nails and do his hair while gossiping with him (aizawa would NEVER let her do this to him lmao)

- she isn't a mom, but finds the idea of having her own children very nice, for now having a cat will suffice

- she enjoys trying to make all might flustered, she thinks his reactions to things are always very cute and funny (it's all in good fun!)

- she's the mom friend! though she may seem very sexual, which she undoubtedly is, she is also very caring and has a very nuturing motherly personality, she's a lot more than just fanservice !!!!!

Todoroki Shoto

- completely oblivious when it comes to love... he doesn't even understand his own crushes

- "of course you can borrow my credit card uraraka" *pulls out endeavors card which he sneakily took*

- would be the person to tell a child that their pet guinea pig didn't go to heaven and be confused when they start sobbing... like "what... don't be honest?"

- allows his friends to huddle up to his warm side when they are cold

- is confused when people show him copious amounts of love and affection

- he would beat up anyone if they tried to do ANYTHING bad to midoriya

- he wants more friends. he really is enjoying meeting new people and having some new friends at ua!

- he gives really good hugs, he doesn't try to hug you too tight, but he doesn't half ass it either, very nice and warm

- he hates his scar. like. a lot. he wants to cover it up so bad but it just doesn't work. he's afraid it'll make other people scared of him.

Shinsou Hitoshi

- loves patd! and fall out boy, a brendon urie STAN

- loves to kiss his kitties on the forehead but dreads human interaction

- he loves to squish his cats' toebeans... he takes pictures of them and posts them to his secret cat social media acc

- he is gay but doesn't know how to feel about it and/or come out, he's really nervous and doesn't trust people to accept him

- he doesn't smile often but when he does it's the cutest thing ever

- he secretly really likes deku and kaminari and is hesitant about accepting their friendship, but appreciates the gestures a lot

- he suffers with social anxiety and doesn't really know how to make friends very well??? like, in middle school people were total dickbags to him so he kinda just closed himself off and decided he was gonna like... not make friends, but now that there's nice people around him he just kind of- doesn't know how

- this is actually canon! but he feels guilty about having to manipulate people when he uses his quirk, during the 4th school briefs book he feels guilty when he overhears midoriya and ojiro talking about him using his quirk during the sports festival, and he's like "i wish ojiro would say something rude about me to show he's angry so i wouldn't have to feel so guilty about this" since ojiro showed no ill feelings towards him

Izuku Midoriya

- "hold on I'll go get a blanket!" *opens closet* *thousands of all might figurines tumble out*

- watches cat vine compilations until 2 am, than freaks out when he realizes it is 2 am

- very good with children!

- used to be very self conscious about his freckles bc of bakugou insulting them; hid them with concealer for a while until someone told him they were beautiful

- loves his momma so muchhh he would do anything for her, he likes to surprise her with small favors to see her happy

- does not understand the concept of letting people handle their own problems

- stays after to class to offer his teachers help

- he has a lot of self doubts and is still struggling to this day to come to terms with the fact that he is worthy of having one for all

- he wants to learn how to cook for his mom and friends

Kyoka Jirou

- she is a lesbian!!!!! she has a crush on momo but is completely convinced that it's unrequited

- struggled with judgmental kids in middle school because of her sexual identity and style

- gets very easily flustered by anyone complimenting her

- that one person sitting at the back of the bus with their earbuds blasting full volume

- was a GOD at guitar hero

- acts like she's fed up with kaminari's (which she can be sometimes), but truly he's one of the people she can trust the most. she secretly appreciates the way he hypes up her talents and how he really helps her through the day sometimes!

- she loves heroes so much... when she was a little girl and didn't know what to do she'd ask herself "what would my favorite heroes do!?"

- she also secretly buys hero merch but hides it in fear of her being seen as sappy

Amajiki Tamaki

- would have trouble standing up for himself but if he sees ANYONE messing with mirio he WILL throw hands

- likes to watch bob ross videos when hes feeling anxious

- he once went to a butterfly museum with his parents and cried out of joy when one landed on his nose

- leaves food out for strays in his neighborhood, ends up attracting an entire hoard of animals.

- he can paint very nicely, he began to paint after he discovered bob ross

- mirio then saw his paintings and showed the entire class to tamaki's dismay, but everyone absolutely LOVED them!!!

- every day he becomes more and more capable and sure of himself, he is still very anxious, but he's learning to open up and embrace his talents <3

- he really loves to listen to music and any time he's not around others he'll probably have earbuds in, gently swaying back and forth to whatever he has on

- nejire loves to try out new hairstyles on him, and strangely enough, tamaki lets her, he loves it when people play with his hair

Shirakumo Oboro

- shares one collective braincell with mic

- that one person that brings EVERYONE valentine treats on valentines day at school

- most likely plays ding dong ditch

- *draws stick figure* "ah yes. just like van goh" (he cannot draw)

- hates to see his friends (and even random strangers upset) and will go out of his way to do dumb things to make them smile

- probably played soccer

- he's a massive flirt and likes to believe he will become a stereotypical anime protagonist with a massive harem

- he really wants to see aizawa come out of his shell more and tries his best to encourage him to see the best in everything

- he has most likely worn a schoolgirl uniform to class once

- he's very affectionate and loves to hug his friends (even if they don't want hugs), it's his way of showing he likes people

Hizashi Yamada

- he lives off of caffeine. he is a teacher, pro hero, and radio show host, im honestly not sure how he does it

- gives out stickers when students get the correct answer in class and has class parties when they are well behaved for the semester

- just like everyone else, he has his own turmoil as well, he likes to stay busy because it prevents him from having a lot of time to dwell on the past

- he gives really good hugs, and loves to feel the touch of others, it's very comforting to him

- was probably pretty troublesome when he was very young while he learned to get control of his quirk

- overall a really happy and excitable guy, he loves being the center of attention and if he can make people happy by being what he is, that's awesome!

- he shows his appreciation for people in odd ways, but he always means good, even if his wild antics can be a bit stressful lol

- he likes to sing a lot and does it a bunch when he's alone, he can also play a lot of instruments

- he can be very serious if needed, he does often put on a persona when he's present mic

- when he's hizashi (out of hero persona) he's even more of a dork than usual, very goofy, awkward and pouty. a manchild.

OK so I reached my image limit, if u guys wanna see the rest I might post some more later PLUS feel free to request some in my asks, I don't really know how all that stuff works bc I'm kinda new to Tumblr but ILL FIGURE IT OUT

#midoriya izuku #izuku midoriya #midoriya headcanons #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #shota aizawa #aizawa #bnha headcanons #mha headcanons #shirakumo #shirakumo oboro #shouta aizawa #aizawa shouta #jirou kyouka #kyoka jiro #nemuri kayama #hizashi yamada #hanta sero #tamaki amakiji #hitoshi shinsou #midnight bnha #todoroki shōto

[sol1056]

Do you think they couldn't make other characters queer cause of copyright? As far as my knowledge goes (correct me if i'm wrong bc I'm confused) Shiro belongs to the first itineration of Voltron, Go Lion! and Koplars are the owners of the American version. The post-s8 tea on Twitter said they weren't given permission of changing last names, what if was the same with sexualities? Koplar's Shiro, Sven was coupled with Romelle but I think Go Lion's Shiro didn't have anyone, so it was an easy pick?

That’s not really the way copyright works. 

Shiro belongs to DreamWorks, full stop, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. The same goes for Allura, Pidge, Hunk, Keith, Lance, Coran, Kolivan, Krolia, Zarkon, Lotor, Haggar/Honerva, and any other iteration of the characters as they are presented in DreamWork’s version. 

Note: I’m not saying that Shiro wasn’t a character in GoLion. I’m saying that the Shiro-of-GoLion is a character copyrighted by Toei Animation; Shiro-of-VLD is a character copyrighted by DreamWorks; Shiro of… well, any other iteration would be copyrighted by whomever created that iteration. 

It’s a complicated and heavily-legislated area of the law, but here’s the core idea boiled down into a single statement: your creation is copyrighted the instant you “fix it in a tangible medium of expression”.   

That is, you cannot copyright an idea; you can only copyright a distinct implementation. Furthermore, copyright is always owned — automatically upon creation — by the person or company who did the work of setting that idea into its concrete state. 

Behind the cut: copyrighting characters, withholding character information, cultural hot buttons, and where do we go from here. 

note #1: there is one exception, known as “work-for-hire,” where employees create something on behalf of an employer. This must known beforehand and made explicit via some kind of agreement. If you read the fine print, there’ll be a work-for-hire clause in most employee or contractor agreements.

note #2: yes, this does mean you could create a mecha series where the robots are all big lions, or a mecha series where animal-based mecha combine. It would probably end up in court anyway ‘cause companies get prickly about protecting their IPs, but afaik the court’s decision would hinge on whether your implementation is different enough.

(this is why I scoff so much at the EPs being so open about where they steal ideas from: there’s a reason writers talk about filing off the serial numbers. it’s not because we don’t want you to think we get ideas from everywhere. it’s because distinct is also a necessary ingredient for plausible deniability of plagiarism.) 

copyrighting characters

The ‘no last name’ claims are frankly a lot of hot air. 

First, you cannot copyright a character name; you can only copyright the specific and fully-developed character as a whole. (A Meg Murry who’s a South Asian marathon runner? Not a violation of L’Engle.) You could trademark a character name, but only if that name appears in the title; frex, Indiana Jones was able to be trademarked because his name is part of a series of works that all begin with “Indiana Jones.” 

WEP could trademark Voltron (as the mecha’s name), but doesn’t look like WEP chose to do so. Recent research seems to indicate WEP actually embraces and supports non-media products (that is, things that are obviously not their adaptation-of-an-anime) using the name, possibly on the theory this wide usage increases the name’s recognition and cultural cachet.

Second, consider Devil’s Due Publishing (DDP), which gave every character a full name, new biography, age, height, and family history. It retains its copyright over those characters, but only as whole characters. You could make your Keith Kogane an orphan in his mid-20s who’s distinctly anti-social, and you’d probably be fine, because that description is still more of a stereotype than a distinct/unique character. 

To quote the legal encyclopedia:

Judge Learned Hand of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit established the standard for character protection in a case called Nichols v. Universal Pictures Corp., 45 F.2d 119 (2d Cir. 1930), when he stated that, “the less developed the characters, the less they can be copyrighted; that is the penalty an author must bear for marking them too indistinctly.”

For example, alien characters stranded on Earth is a popular and recurring theme as portrayed in My Favorite Martian, Starman, Alien Nation, Transformers, District 9, Predators, and The Man Who Fell to Earth. The idea of a stranded alien character, without embellishment, is not protectable.

[…] once a stranded alien character acquires more distinctive features or aspects—for example, a big-headed, long-necked alien with a glowing finger who murmurs “Phone home”—it becomes distinct enough to merit protection and its owners can prevent others from using the character’s image and expression.

If you make your misanthropic orphan named Keith also a former Marine, and an expert in hand-to-hand combat, and grieving a dead fiancee… He’s no longer a stereotype, but a character with a unique combination of features. DDP probably would have grounds to send you a cease-and-desist. 

However, if you say Keith Kogane is a lonely kid from Texas with an alien mom and a fireman dad, who’s the best damn pilot of his generation, and is generally awkward and whose silence hides a whip-smart intellect… again, a unique combination that fleshes out generic ‘Keith’ into a very specific and distinct Keith. Who is not, it should be noted, a carbon-copy of DDP’s Keith.

And the real nail in the coffin: if you’re going to argue that it’s a copyright violation to use Keith’s or Lance’s or Hunk’s last names, then why wouldn’t the same apply to using their first names? Or using names like Daibazaal, Sincline, Lotor, Honerva, Haggar, Alfor, Yurak, etc. Pretty sure ‘Zarkon’ isn’t a name you see everyday. I mean, it’s not, say, ‘Bob.’ 

withholding information

I’ve seen staff from another DW project say they can’t specify character ages until marketing decides. Which is… truly bizarre. If DW really is having marketing make such creative decisions, it’s not just putting the cart before the horse, it’s putting the cart in the jewelry store and the horse in the attic. 

If marketing or PR is anywhere in the mix, perhaps that’s because someone with social media savvy has realized topics like ethnicity and age will bring out the vitriolic teeny meanies of the Fandom Purity Police Brigade. Thing is, that doesn’t hold water, either: Trollhunters gave us ages and grade-in-school.

There could be another layer, too. The EPs I saw in those earliest interviews clearly had little firsthand experience with fandom, and seemed startled to hear fans actually care about those details. Two years of their interviews, and I have the strong sense they don’t like losing what they see as a battle of wills, no matter who their opponent is. Fandom cries out for surnames? Fandom will never get it. Fandom likes this couple over that one? Fandom is heading for severe disappointment. And so on. 

That’s ignoring the praise the EPs enjoyed for fandom’s conflation of a Korean-American VA and a Korean studio’s aesthetics, to see Keith himself as non-white. The EPs got representation points, and didn’t have to do a thing; the fandom did it for them. Why mess with that?

But no, copyright has nothing to do with that. 

cultural hot buttons

Sexuality, gender, and ethnicity are three places that a franchisee could run into problems, because these are hot buttons in the US. If the franchise owner feels a particular tangible form (this specific character in this specific iteration) violates the franchise’s ‘family-friendly’ aspect of their brand… I’d bet the contract between the parties does give the franchise owner some right of refusal or revision. 

Set aside what you think of VLD’s beginning, middle, or end. For all LM’s other faults, that sketch she did so long ago highlights all three: gender (Pidge), race (Keith and Allura), and sexuality (Shiro). We may’ve had to wait for an unfortunately tacked-on epilogue to get explicit confirmation*, but in the end, VLD was a significant break from previous Voltron iterations. 

Where, exactly, is anyone getting the impression that WEP is so terribly upset about its princess no longer being white, one of its pilots no longer being male, or another pilot no longer being straight? Whatever Bob Koplar might think of VLD’s end, his statement on the day of S8′s release made clear WEP is eager to continue their partnership with DW. 

Sounds to me like WEP is okay with DW’s creative and cultural approach. Otherwise, why go back for more? 

* edited to clarify, per @inklingdancer‘s tag

moving right along

It ultimately doesn’t matter what a previous iteration did. So long as DW’s creation is fully its own, copyright is neither barrier nor impetus to providing (or withholding) any information about that creation. 

What DW creates, DW owns. Which means DW is free to tell us last names, middle names, heights, ages, family history, race, gender, sexuality, love interest, even most hated food or favorite color — or nothing at all. 

#vld #voltron #copyright #sol thinks about stuff

[whyldkratts]

for the ask meme: all of them, but if thats too much maybe just the last 10?

Sorry for the long post aaaa1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? [I bought lottery tickets bc I was in texas and they’re not legal where I live and the cashier at the gas station didn’t even ask for my id. I tried to show him and he just shook his head and let me go???? He didnt even care wtf]2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? [Nah]3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? [Yea a little bit. I mean if it was just occasionally that’s probably fine? But a lot of my family has fucked up their entire lives with drugs so anything like that is iffy for me. It depends on how often they smoke ultimately]4: Do you find it easy to trust others? [I’d say yeah, probably. As long as you don’t fuck me over or guilt me within the first few weeks of knowing me id probably feel comfortable messaging you if I needed someone to talk to]5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? [Scrolling Tumblr]6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? [Probably my irl bffs lindy and raven!]7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? [Dump them. Adios fucker. I hope they’re happy with whoever they cheated on me with]8: Are you close with your dad? [Yeah I’d say so? I love him and he usually let’s me do my thing]9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? [Nah]10: What are you listening to? [Run by hozier]11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? [Sweet tea!!!! I’m from the south baby]12: Do you like hickeys? [Never has one so I don’t know!]13: What time do you go to bed? [Uhhhhhh 5am?]14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? [My siblings.]15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? [Nope I fuck up spelling a lot and have to go back and fix it no matter how many hands I’m typing with]16: Do you always answer your texts? [I try!! Unless I’m emotionally tired or forget]17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? [No. She’s my best friend now, actually]18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? [LIKE 3 MINUTES AGO I was complaining about how long it car ride home is]19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? [My irlbest friends, the cars discord chat I’m in, and a lot of my wk friends]20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? [I was writing ducktales fanfiction in my head]21: Is anyone else in the room with you? [I’m in a car with my mom for the next uhhh 7 hours?]22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? [Karmas a bitch]23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? [I was visiting family in Indiana, so yea probably? Tho I am pretty happy now too]24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? [Sometimes, with my old pal cat. She did some bad things so I stopped talking to her, but sometimes I want to catch up and see how she’s doing.]25: In the past week, have you cried? [YEAH over a darkwing duck episode]26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? [Grey. It has Mickey mouse on it!]27: Do people ever call you by your last name? [Noooope]28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? [I wouldn’t know]29: Do you have a best friend? [YEAH everyone in the cars discord and raven and lindy]30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? [No it was my great grandma lol]31: Who was your last call/text message from? [Call: red cross asking for my blood. Text: raven saying “dang”]32: Are you mad at anyone? [Not really? I don’t get angry very easily at all]33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? [When I was a freshman I was dating a junior]34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? [My great grandma! 88 I think]35: How many more days until your birthday? [LIKE a whole entire year. August 2nd]36: Do you have any summer plans yet? [Help my friend after her spine surgery p much. Visit family around the 4th of july]37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? [I have tons of girl friends!! All my best friends are girls (except em but they’re a good friend still!!!)]38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? [Lindy doesn’t know I’m trans]39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? [Uhhhhhhhhhhh next question]40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? [I try not to regret things like that]41: Do you think age matters in relationships? [UH YEAH?? An adult dating a minor ain’t my deallll]42: Are you available? [Lmfao yeah but don’t hold your breath I’m awful at relationships]43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? [My ex and bff dksdkdiajsai kill Me. I’ve had small crushes but I don’t rly let them grow too much if I realize they’re poppin up]44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? [Septum]45: Do you believe exes can be friends? [Yeah!!!!! I just reconnected with my ex from freshmen year and he’s cool]46: Do you regret anything? [Times where my mouth moved before my head could think and I hurt someone I cared about. Times where I didn’t listen. Times where I hesitated. But the past is a different country, and I try not to waste the present lamenting what I could’ve done.]47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? [Home. And the mistakes I’ve made.]48: Did you ever lose a best friend? [Yeah. She moved away and we just… talked less, and less, and less.]49: Was your last kiss a mistake? [Nah it was my great grandma]50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? [They have a bf and also dont like me plus im unlovable and bad at relationships and feelings *shrug emoji* the other person I’m interested in lives too far away and also doesn’t like me like that]51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? [Twas my gg and probably when I was a baby]52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? [All these last kiss ones are so angsty and sad and it was literally my grandma 5 hours ago I’m laughing]53: What was the last thing you ate? [McDonald’s French fries!!!!!]54: Did you get any compliments today? [Nah I’m in my road trip attire so I look like a mess]55: Where are you going on your next vacation? [New Orleans in October for voodoo fest!! Gonna see the foo fighters B)]56: Do you own anything from other countries?[I think I have Canadian money somewhere…]57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?[girls!!]58: Where have you lived most of your life?[Sweet Home Alabama]59: When was the last time you took a long drive?[DOING IT RN!!!!! 13 HOURS]60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?[yea but it was like, mashed up with truth or dare. Instead of kissing we asked them truth or dare]61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?[nah I’m pretty mild]62: Who do you text the most?[raven probably? Or max]63: What was the last movie you saw?[spirited away I think??? First time I ever saw it]64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?[I’m single, don’t remind me :P]65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?[I was 12 and right smack dab in the middle of my ugly awkward phase (thays still going on today!) So I had none lmao]66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?[nah]67: Do you curse around your parents?[GOOD LORD NO]68: Are you happy with where you live?[I? Hate Alabama. My city is okay but I want to move somewhere nicer]69: Picture of yourself? [I have a selfie tag. I would upload but I’m lazy. Maybe if I find a pic I like later I will]70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?[polyamory All the wayy!!!!! But monogamy is cool too]71: Have you ever been dumped?[probably in elementary school but I don’t remember? I usually am the one to end it bc I get freaked out and skittish around people genuinely caring about me so I break it up before they’re disappointed]72: What do you most like about making out?[being comfortable and close enough with someone to do it.]73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?[yup!]74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?[depends? I’ve asked to kiss someone and I’ve been asked equal amounts.]75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?[eyes? Idk there’s a lot that goes into finding someone attractive it’s hard to narrow it down]76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?[my mom]77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?[virgin]78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?[virgin]79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?[Any cartoon character I’m currently hyperfixated on]80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?[yes. But i would go slow and I wouldn’t want to meet their child until we were both sure this was something we wanted long term.]81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?[no its usually me? Wait i take that back!! One girl did while I was in hs but I’m pretty sure she only did it bc she just figured out her sexuality and I was queer and there.]82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?[nope I bottle that shit up!!!! But if it’s a long standing crush I’ll tell a few people eventually]83: Do you miss your last sweetie?[No.]84: Last time you slow danced with someone?[my friend Franklin at prom. We pretended to be spies on a mission forced to act casual as we scoped out potential enemies]85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?[??? Don’t like the skeptical quote marks. I’ve been in long distance relationships before, yes.]86: How can I win your heart?[just like…… be nice to me, ever, and I’m into it. Talk about things you like, ask me about things I like, try and get into/understand my interests and I’ll do the same?? Don’t make fun of me and don’t belittle my interests. The bar is low]87: What is your astrological sign?[leo]88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?[sleeping]89: Do you cook?[pasta!!!!!!!]90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?[yeah!!! 3 years of no talking and I reconnected with max recently]91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?[uh it’s complicated. Yes but idk if I’m in a good place for a relationship. I haven’t even begun to transition at all.]92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?[you say that like I could get multiple people to date me]93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?[nice dress style?? Glasses are good too. Idk questions like this are hard augh]94: Name four things that you wish you had![money, a job, plush darkwing duck toy, a car]95: Are you a player?[no]96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?[nooooope]97: Are you a tease?[hahahahaha no]98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?[nope!!! Not yet]99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?[maybe. But I don’t think you can love someone too deeply who doesn’t love you back]100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?[sure, plenty]101: Hugs or Kisses?[both??? Both is good]102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?[It’s Not shyness, it’s rejection I have a problem with]103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?[girls are pretty]104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?[Yeah I guess]105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?[If it was an open relationship and everyone knew the situation, then yea prob?? If not, then no.]106: Do you flirt a lot?[not really]107: Your last kiss?[my grandmaaaaa]108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?[not in a romantic way]109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?[not in a romantic way]110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?[next question]111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?[nope!! It’s a hopefully nice surprise for future me]112: Does someone like you currently?[probably not lol but ive got no idea!!]113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?[sure]114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?[I want to fall in love.]115: Ever made out with just a friend?[yeah]116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?[in a relationship I think?]117: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.[just send me an ask and ill answer it]

This got a bit of self hatred dashed in there whoops sorry!!!

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

it’s been a while. again. but i am getting better at writing more again.

i think i feel really lost and confused.

i think i really miss jeanne and andrew and sofia and david. i miss being with people i dont really need to think with. sometimes it’s awkward but usually it’s fun. we can just chill and laugh together and talk about whatever and be blunt and unfiltered and it’s okay. we express concerns and listen intently to one another and when push comes to show, we’re there for each other. i just wish i could be there for them more.

i think ive been trying really hard to be there for people bc it’s my job to do so or bc i feel like i need to in order to be enough. to be accepted and a part of the community when in reality, it hasnt been helping anyone. i havent been genuine and i do want to be. 

this past week, even though it may not seem like it, ive been trying to take a step back. i did stay for a bit on sunday but i didnt stay to play soccer with everyone. im tired of trying so hard to force myself into the community. i just want it to happen organically. nothing good will come of it if i just try and force it. honestly, i felt kind of hurt that david and joyce didnt want to share their struggles with me bc i thought we were close but i also needed to remind myself that if i really love them, i would just want the best for them. whether or not that includes me in the picture. and ive been constantly trying to remind myself of that. of course, i want to hangout with them more. of course, i want to be closer with them. but at the end of the day, i just want to serve them bc i care for them so much. i am so beyond grateful that I can witness and experience God’s love in my own life and what a gift it is indeed. 

so often, people confide in my deep feelings and secrets and im generally pretty good at not breaking that trust. but every time in those instances, i want to share the love of God with them but I don’t want them to just think im taking advantage of them or exploiting their feelings. i want them to know that im sharing bc i genuinely care and only want the best for them.

i started chatting with a woman in the Ravenclaw group who felt alone and was seeking help. and i think i was able to help just by being there for her and listening to her and letting her know im here. and i felt afraid to share. but honestly, what do i have to lose? this is some random lady to whom i have no mutual friends with. i dont even know where she lives or how old she is or anything about her and she doesnt know anything about me either. all we know are the deep things we’ve shared with each other. i have nothing to lose if she turns against me as a result of me sharing my faith. and ultimately, God is in control. Not me. Nothing I say will bring her to Christ. It is only through Christ that that is possible. The best I can do is pray for her. She is so broken and lost and confused and doesn’t know what to do. I am so limited in my own understanding and knowledge and I can only help so much. But what I can do is share the good news with her. So without thinking about what I was saying I did. And she hasn’t responded. I don’t know how she took it. Maybe shes crying on her knees in worship to God. Maybe she was super turned off by the sudden religious turn I made and doesn’t want to make to me anymore. Regardless, I shared the gospel with her. And I can only hope I was able to help. But from here, it is all in God’s hands. The best I can do is to just be used by Him and serve in whatever way I can.

When I hangout with my school friends, I’m a way worse person. I gossip a lot more and feel angry and triggered much more often. But it’s easy. I always want to defend Mulan whenever we shit on her but I’m always afraid of being outcasted. I’m stepping down from e-board anyway though so what do I have to lose? But I was hanging out with them yesterday and I defended Mulan and we all felt a lot calmer after that. After just trying to be understanding of her situation and what shes gone through. I want to share the gospel with her and push her to Christ but I am worried how she’ll react and slander my name. But that is to be expected in such a liberal environment. I just want to help in any way that I can.

As of late, I’ve been feeling frustrated and disappointed with myself and felt unworthy of love. Because I always know that I can do better. I can do more. If I just managed my time a little better or put a little more effort in or was a little more present or a little more involved or something. I know I can do better. But I don’t. I still sleep 7+ hours. I still eat out all the time. I still do all of these things that prevent me from doing better. I’ve been neglecting my schoolwork and my school friends. I’ve been neglecting my studies and responsibilities as a student just so I may better serve the church. And I think that is still important but I need to re-assess a lot. I don’t want to hangout with my school friends more just because it is easier and I have more in common with them. But at the same time, I do really enjoy it and I think I’m a lot happier when I can just relax. I do want to focus on investing more into my Christian Club friends and building a strong Christ-based community at my school before my time ends. I know that my school friends tend to be toxic and encourage alcoholism and smoking and 

And my heart really breaks for Finn. I want to share the love of God with them but I know that their mom disowned them because of their Catholic beliefs. I’m sure they feel extremely bitter towards God right about now because in their mind, He is the cause of their mother’s disapproval. And I can’t answer the topic of LGBTQ+ within a Christian context. But I just want to share the Father’s love with Him and just hope that God will speak volumes into their heart.

I’m worried about becoming an alcoholic because I am constantly looking for something to distract me from my own pain and suffering instead of turning my eyes to God. I’ve been using media to drown everything out. Watching endless YouTube videos that bring me no joy or satisfaction but distract me from my demons and the reality of the situation. And until I get over that, I will never be free from using alcohol as a clutch. I need to get into the habit of turning my eyes to God instead. And just trusting Him with everything I am. Honestly, I feel lonely. There aren’t many females to look up to or rely on at church. I do adore Jason and P. Josh and I want to be there for them too. But there are some things I can’t discuss with them and I don’t think we ever could go super deep because of the gender barrier. I’ve been sexually harassed on the train. I’m so much more afraid of being kidnapped and raped than I am of being killed. I want to reach out to the homeless but I know they could overpower me pretty easily and I’ve been too trusting in the past. And as guys, they don’t get that. I’m sad that Amanda is leaving because she’s the one person I could probably build this relationship with. But even when I have no one else and cannot rely on the people on Earth, I can always turn my eyes to God. 

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.   For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I was shook but this verse that we read during the conference call today and it has been recurring as of recent. I remember having to memorize it for retreat in middle school. I remember Loren sharing it with me after the Harvest festival. I remember reading into my Meyer’s Briggs personality verses. And here it was again. I remember these moments so clearly. I am weak and broken and imperfect and flawed. But through Christ, may I gain confidence and be used as holistically as I possibly can be. Through and by Him and through Him alone.

I was listening to Come as You Are before this and at first I was nervous that my new friend wouldn’t like it because of the voice or something but the more I listened to it, the more truly the words rang within me. And this is what I need to do. There is rest for the weary. There is no sin that Heaven can’t heal. I need to lay down my burdens and my shame. And just give it all up to God because I can’t do this without Him. I can’t. I want to help. I want to do all of these things. But it is only through and by Him that anything is possible.

God, this is my prayer to you. That you would continue to provide me with guidance back to the right path and that my heart would continue to break for what breaks yours.

Amen.

#reflection

[spacednp]

Okay (Part 2)

MULTICHAPTERED VAMPIRE AU BASED LIGHTLY OFF OF PLACENTAANDLLAMA’s FIC COMING OF AGE (WITH PERMISSION)

TW: blood, gore, angst? kinda? Phil's pretty dominant of Dan... just read it bc the bit of BAMF!Phil makes it so it'll be good lol also Dan's such a bottom in this oml (no smut tho srry)

WC: 12k for the entire fic

Dan awoke in an unbelievably soft silk bed, covered in a heavy duvet that he knew wasn't his bed at home. He stirred sleepily, not really having the will to sit up. Then he remembered the events leading up to his falling asleep, or more like being knocked out. He sat up quickly and groaned at his headache. It was like a hangover only thirty times worse. His eyes adjusted rather quickly to his surroundings.

He was in a rich looking bedroom in a large bed that he could roll around in. There was two dressers and two doors, one that was open and looked as if it led to the bathroom and one that was obviously locked. There was no windows but there was a mirror on the far side of the room that Dan could see his reflection in. His hair was a mess. There was also a coffee table, two comfortable looking chairs and a bookshelf. There was two rugs, one under the bed and nightstands next to it and one under the chairs, bookshelf and coffee table. Dan noticed a note on the nightstand closest to him so he leaned over to pick it up, ignoring the aching in his joints.

Dan,

Went to training for lower Levels. Be back soon.

-Phil

That was it. No 'sorry for knocking you out' or 'sorry for kidnapping you' or 'sorry for forcing you to be my mate'. Nothing that showed he cared even remotely about Dan or his wellbeing. He left Dan to fend for himself. Dan was sure Phil knew that Dan felt like he'd been hit by a train, and then a bus. He just didn't care. Comforting.

Dan decided to stop feeling sorry for himself and check out some of the books in the bookshelf. They were all about vampires. He grabbed a random one and flipped to a random page. Of course it was on mating. It wasn't like the sexual reproduction unit he went through in science class, no, it was different.

If one doesn't complete the mating ritual by Level Four, the possibility with mating with one of their species is impossible. In order to mate after Level Four xhe must mate with one of the human species.

Dan took a moment to let that sink in. Before Level Four seemed to be the ideal mating age, but why didn't Phil mate before? It would of prevented the entire situation. Dan was confused, but he thought he understood that concept enough from those few sentences, so he skipped to the next page, still on mating.

If a vampire doesn't mate by the time they reach Level Five, xhe will grow weaker with each moon. Eventually xhe will be too weak to be of use to the clan. At any point of a vampire being in Level Five the clan may choose between three options to prevent this situation:

•Visit the nearest city and clam a suitable human for the vampire •Put the vampire to rest •Exile

These are the only options the clan has as it is against The Code to have a useless member in the clan. All members, unless pregnant, nursing, seriously injured or training, must contribute at least one Job a moon. If a member fails to do so, their clan must perform one of the above.

If a clan fails to do so, therefore breaking The Code, they will be forced into disbandment, resulting in all former members to become Loners or join a new clan.

Dan wondered if this was something he shouldn't be looking at. Was it even his right to know? Of course it was, that was a ridiculous question. He was just educating himself, right? No harm in that. Anyway, even if Phil did get upset with Dan, it wasn't like he was going to do anything too drastic, he needed Dan. If not, he'd been in a bad situation. Dan decided to keep looking through the book, flipping through the pages, reading random things.

Dan learned that a clan was just a group of vampires that chose to live together, which apparently was the most ideal way to live. Loners were vampires that decided clan life wasn't for them/got exiled/clan got disbanded. While Loners weren't all necessarily evil, it was frowned upon as they didn't all follow The Code, which was a set of laws all vampires must follow, which including things like not harming humans unless it was absolutely necessary for survival/training. Apparently killing a set number of humans was required to reach Level Five, which was the highest 'level' of training a vampire could achieve. Dan recalled that Phil was a Five and shivered at the thought of his not-consensual-but-still-future-mate being a killer. Most clans only had a few Fives though there were a few exclusive clans that was comprised only of Fives. Jobs were just assignments that needed to be done for the good of the clan and moons were months, but Dan figured that much. That was all Dan could find before the sound of the door opening made him jump.

"You're awake," Phil commented as he walked into the room. He shut the door behind him, making sure it was locked before sticking the golden key into his pocket. Dan couldn't help but notice how exhausted Phil looked. Dan didn't think vampires needed sleep, but it appeared he was wrong. Phil's steps were heavy and looked forced. His face was sunken and there were bags under his eyes. He was dressed in a black tee shirt, dark skinny jeans, and black high tops. Part of Dan was upset by how spent Phil looked, but then the rest of him didn't care because he hated the man. Hated him for what he did-and what he was going to do-to him, even though he knew it was something he had to do.

"No thanks to you," Dan retorted bitterly. He slammed the book shut, throwing it on the coffee table before leaning back into the hair he was sitting in. Phil sighed.

"You're so melodramatic," He scoffed, looking around the room, not meeting Dan's gaze. Dan narrowed his eyes at the vampire.

"I don't think so, you locked me up in a room God knows where while you did what? Training? The hell does that mean?" Dan near yelled, not fearing the blue eyes man in the least anymore. Dan was sassy, and well, a brat, he'd admit that. This case was no different than telling his mom off for yelling at him for failing a test he didn't study for.

"It means I was teaching younger clan members how to defend themselves," Phil rolled his eyes. "I'll have to train you soon as well," He walked over to the bed and plopped down, sitting on the side of the bed Dan slept on so he was facing the human.

"Well then do it! I wanna learn things!" Dan exclaimed, ignoring the part of him that despised Phil and everything associated with him. Phil chuckled lightly.

"Can't yet," He stated simply. Dan frowned, crossing his arms across his chest.

"Why not?" Dan whined. Phil gave Dan a crooked smile, the white gleam of his teeth showing slightly. Dan envied his teeth for a moment.

"Well for one, I haven't slept in weeks and I'm starting to get tired," Phil began. Dan thought that was an understatement but said nothing. "Second, you're not ready and third, I have jobs I need to do," Dan whined and pouter slightly.

"Do I get no privileges with having to be your mate?" Dan groaned. Phil laughed lightly.

"Not until the mating ritual begins, which I'm dreading by the way," Phil said weakly. Dan couldn't help but notice how calm and relaxed Phil was being. He didn't seem like someone-er... something-on death row.

"Why? Am I not good enough to mate with?" Dan asked sarcastically. He knew he was decent on the eyes, or at least he'd been told so on multiple occasions, but it didn't help his ego. In fact, it probably added to his little attitude problem.

"Eh, I just really don't want a repeat of last-never mind," Phil shook his head and looked away from Dan. Dan furrowed his eyebrows and uncrossed his arms to push himself out of the chair. He walked over to where Phil sat and crossed his arms again, looking at him expectantly.

"Continue," Dan commanded, sass lacing his voice. He still hated Phil, after all. Phil cocked an eyebrow at Dan, who didn't look intimating in the least with his messy brown hair and Pokémon pajamas.

"Oh? You think you can boss me around, hm?" Phil questioned, his voice dropping an octave. Dan felt his stomach sink and his knees buckled. A voice wasn't supposed to effect him that much, what was wrong with him? Dan nodded once, swallowing at the lump in his throat that prevented him from speaking. "Well, we'll have go work on that attitude if yours, won't we?" Dan almost felt sick at the thought, but in a sick way it excited him. God, a vampire threaten him wasn't supposed to excite him. Dan had a problem.

Before Dan knew what was happening Phil had him pinned to the comfortable bed, holding both his wrists with a single hand. His legs were on either side of Dan's hips. Phil was dangerously close to Dan's face, to the point where he felt his breath when he spoke. Phil still smelt like vanilla and Dan was sick of the sent. He hopped getting pinned by Phil wouldn't become a natural occurrence. Phil brushed Dan's fringe out of his face gently with the hand that didn't hold his wrists, eyes scanning the boy's face.

"You're going to learn pretty soon who controls who, got it?" Phil breathed. Dan didn't responded, lump in his throats preventing it. Phil didn't like that. He tightened his grip on Dan, causing the boy under him to wince. "Got it?" He repeated harshly.

"Y-Yes Phil," Dan gasped, silently chiding himself for stuttering. Though it was pretty hard to not stutter when an actual vampire was pinning him down.

"Good boy," Phil sung, loosening his grip on Dan's wrist slightly. "The sooner you stop being such a brat, the sooner our training begins, got it?" Phil's voice had a sharp edge to it and it caused Dan to wither beneath him.

"Yes," Dan whispered, warm brown eyes glued to Phil's icy blue ones. Most of him hated this, but a small part of him loved it so much he didn't want it to end. Loved that side of Phil.

"Now, I have to sleep now, you'll be good, got it?" Phil hissed. It wasn't a question. He was telling Dan he got it, 'no' wasn't the right answer, and Dan knew that.

"Yes," Dan breathed, still watching Phil closely. Phil nodded before getting off of Dan. He crawled over to the opposite side of the bed than Dan slept on earlier and Dan realized that they would be sharing a bed. He didn't say anything though. He sat up slowly and watched Phil closely as he turned away from Dan and his breathing deepened.

Once Dan was sure Phil was asleep he stood up, going back to the book he was reading. He flipped to a random page. It was on mating again. Just his luck.

Vampires naturally dominate their mate, not only during reproduction but also in everyday activities. It is their way of showing ownership. This also includes the short time in between choosing a mate and beginning the mating ceremony, which begins soon after the vampire deems their mate ready to begin training.

Dan furrowed his eyebrows at the page before looking up at Phil nervously. He felt like a teen girl hiding smutty fan fiction from her parents. He figured Phil was still sleeping and looked back to the page.

Mating must be consensual to some degree. If a vampire must make their mate comfortable. If not, it is against The Code and is punishable by exile.

Dan shook his head. He'd never agree to mating with Phil. But the training thing excited him enough for him to decide he wasn't going to try and run away, so maybe he would agree to be Phil's mate because of Phil was a Five, it meant there was lots of things he could teach to Dan. Maybe this was a blessing in disguise, maybe mating with Phil wasn't the worst thing in the world.

However, it wasn't really worth never seeing his family again. He loved them, but he didn't love Phil. At the time, Dan despised Phil. Tears clouded Dan's eyes as he looked down at the book. The once crystal clear text began to blur into a black and white blob as tears started to drip onto the yellowing paper. He'd never see his mother again, nor his father, or his brother. Never wake up to Mum cooking pancakes. Never laugh as his father tried in vain to explain sports to him. Never help his brother with homework at the dinning room table. All of that was ripped from him. He loved his family. Would he ever feel that way about Phil? Probably not. Could he enjoy Phil at times and appreciate him as a person? Perhaps, one day, many years in the future.

Dan wiped at his face, slapping his cheeks lightly to get himself to calm down. There was nothing he could do about his situation, best to not cry over spilled milk. It was bound to happen, he'd have to make to most of it. Dan wasn't really tired and he had just woken up, but he forced himself to set down the book and walk over to the bed Phil slept in and lay down on the other side, back facing Phil's.

He thought about his family until he finally drifted off to sleep, matching his breathing to Phil's.

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#phanfiction #dan and phil #vampire #phan au #part two