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agentnico · 3 years

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Wonder Woman 1984 (2020) Review

Why specifically 1984? Why not 83 or 85? What is so significant about 1984? 83 had Ronald Reagan propose development of tech that would intercept enemy missiles, and the project was called “Star Wars”. In 85 there was an earthquake in Mexico that killed 9,000 and Coca Cola made a new Coke! Impressive stuff! What happened in 1984? *another quick Google check* Aids break out. Oh. Oh no.

Plot: Diana Prince lives quietly among mortals in the vibrant, sleek 1980s - an era of excess driven by the pursuit of having it all. Though she's come into her full powers, she maintains a low profile by curating ancient artefacts, and only performing heroic acts incognito. But soon, Diana will have to muster all of her strength, wisdom and courage as she finds herself squaring off against Maxwell Lord and the Cheetah, a villainess who possesses superhuman strength and agility.

After many delays due to COVID once again doing a COVID and messing things up, Warner Bros. finally released Wonder Woman 1984, due to concerns of audiences losing interest in the project. I remember enjoying the first Wonder Woman years ago, and though it didn’t reinvent the superhero genre, as an origin story is was watchable and there were a couple cool action set pieces, such as the notable trench sequence where Diana fights through No Man’s Land and literally all that’s missing is her screeching “GIRL POWER!” everytime she deflected a gun bullet! Anyway, nothing ground-breaking but a decent piece of entertainment. Now we have sequel set in the 80s that plans to go bigger, bolder, grander.....well, you know, the usual sequel stuff. And they have the Mandalorian himself along for the ride, because even Warner Bros. knows that this is the way.

Having watched the film I must say, it is disappointing. Though in reality is it really disappointing? Personally I had hardly any expectations anyway, so it’s not as if my hopes and dreams have been crunched and shattered and thrown into a pit of despair! Wow, that came off as if I am super in denial, which I am not, I promise, okay?? In all seriousness though, the movie is a mess. With a runtime of two and a half hours, the film is filled with pacing issues so much so that I can say I was bored 50% of the time. A lot of it doesn’t make sense, the editing is atrocious and also this baby is filled to the brim with plot holes! So. Many. Plot Holes. For example, right from the start, one of the opening scenes involves Wonder Woman stopping a robbery at a mall. The robbery in itself is botched up. "I'm not going back!" screams one of the criminals, so hey, I'm going to hold this kid over the railing and almost drop her so that I can go to jail for murder. Genius writing there. Anyway, so Diana swoops in, saves the kid obviously, then proceeds to destroy the cameras in the mall as if that will also magically erase the footage that has already been recorded as well as all the witnesses that have seen her show off her bongo-bongo power mojo. So she’s trying to hide her identity and existence a secret, and apparently has been doing so for years, yet all her heroic moments happen in the middle of the public’s eye, so there is no way that she could have stayed confidential all this time. Then again, Superman can put on a pair of cheap glasses and all of a sudden he’s this random fella named Clark Kent, so what do I know? My guess is that the human population in the DC world are stupid and aren’t capable of adding 2 plus 2! Right, onto the next plot hole. So throughout most of the film, it feels like the movie is set in autumn or something along those lines. One of the characters gives food to a homeless person and tells them to stay warm, and also many people passing by are wearing coats and furs. Suddenly at one point there is a firework display and Diana winks to the camera and says “oh look, it’s the Fourth of July!” I’m sorry, last time I checked that date is set in the summer. Why would I know this? Well maybe cause it happens to also be my birthday! Next! So Diana can fly in this movie. How? Or why? I don’t know! Because “GIRL POWER!” I guess? I don’t know, this new superpower comes out of nowhere, yet its not referred to at all in Justice League, which is set many years later. So yeah, sounds like director Patty Jenkins couldn’t give a single flying dollop of poop about continuity. Speaking of random decisions, Wonder Woman’s new golden armor serves absolutely no purpose at the end of the film. She decides to randomly use it one point for no particular reason, and in fact it slowed her down more than anything, after which it was all forgotten about. Look, I can go on forever, this movie is filled with disorganised and erratic plot decisions and it makes zero to no sense!

Visually this film is disappointing too. Taking into account that this is a big budget film from one of the biggest film studios, the special effects in this film are atrocious. The green screen is so obvious and the CGI sets are clearly fake. Diana spends a lot of the film doing jumps and then floating in a very peculiar way in the sky, and it looks laughably bad. Even the 80′s setting doesn’t feel quite right. Yes, the costumes are somewhat okay, but the atmosphere is off and it seems the director’s opinion of the 80s is that everyone needs to act like a caricature.

Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman is okay. Look, Gadot seems like a very lovely and earnest person in real life, and her face is indeed very likeable, but I still haven’t seen her give a good performance. It’s the typical pretty Hollywood face, and you can tell she’s trying her hardest, but I can never properly buy her as this female superhero pop culture icon. Chris Pine returns even though he died in the first one. Look, the way he’s brought back is a bit strange, however I did actually like seeing Pine in the movie, as he was one of the best parts of the first film, and he brings that same charm and charisma in this one, now with the added factor of being the fish out of water. And to be honest, his presence actually does provide the movie with some needed emotional heft, as it explores the ideas of having to get over someone you’ve lost and learning to accept it and move on. In terms of villains, there are two in this movie. Kristin Wiig as Cheetah feels very shoehorned in and is mainly there to have Diana fight someone at the end of the film. Kristen Wiig does her part, however the character is written really badly, and her development into becoming a villain comes off as rushed and cheap. On the other hand Pedro Pascal as Maxwell Lord is actually not bad. He’s not the typical superpowered baddie, he’s actually a normal human being, and even though, again, there are some inconsistencies with his character, Pascal brings enough swagger and panache to the role. And I’m sure he actually enjoyed playing a role where you can actually see his face.

As a whole, Wonder Woman 1984 is a mess. There are some good moments, but generally this is a very disjointed movie that doesn’t make sense and is extremely chaotic. Also, the entire thing is really boring. I’d say if you want more of an organised and wholesome movie, check out Disney Pixar’s new animation Soul! Or The Mandalorian with Pedro Pascal, as indeed... this is the way.

Overall score: 3/10

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chid-sen-gan-blog · 5 years

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My Reaction to GoT 8.03 (”The Long Night”)

Hello! I’m back for another recap/review!

I’m so sorry this took so long, but I was a bit… uninspired. But it’s here now, and I hope you enjoy!

Once again, featuring running commentary from my Dad and Brother because I love them and their witty remarks. (all thoughts and quotes are from our first time viewing it, per usual)

WARNING: Spoilers for anyone who hasn’t seen the episode yet, though this warning might be irrelevant at this point.

WARNING 2: My family and I (namely me) weren’t really fans of this episode, so things get… pretty snarky at some points. Also, there’s a lot of shade - no pun intended - thrown at the lighting throughout. A lot. All these are just the opinions of three people, however, and not meant to offend anyone. If you enjoyed the episode, then lucky you more power to you - you do you! :)

And last, but certainly not least, a huge thank you to everyone who supported the first two installments! Now, time for part three!

So… the new opening credits still haven’t grown on me. But the inclusion of the crypt for this episode is a nice touch

(I have a sinking feeling that taking refuge in the crypts is going to backfire for those hiding there and really hope I’m wrong)

Yay! Sam! Please don’t die on me. Please…

Pre-battle preparation montages always puts me on edge. Now is no exception

Another Alys Karstark shot and I’m still not sure why the crew keeps including them…

“So, the showrunners keep giving us glimpses of Alys Karstark, but do they actually plan on doing anything with her, or…?” - My Wonderful Brother; so I guess I’m not the only one curious

“With D&D at the reigns, she could be there for anything from the kidnap theory to a faceless man revival.” - My Wonderful Dad

“True. Let’s hope they get their story right right tonight, though.” - My Wonderful Brother

“I don’t see how they couldn’t. They already have all the pieces in place. All they need to do is not try anything random.” - My Wonderful Dad

Awwww. My children! D&D, don’t you dare kill off Jaime, Brienne, or Pod. I will find you if you do!!! And no CGI dragons will be able to save you!

(I’m super worried about Pod. He’s right up there at the top of my list with Theon and Grey Worm. And possibly Jorah, but I’m 50/50 with him)

(Maybe 60/40; if Dark!Dany’s a possibility, she needs to suffer a huge loss in this battle. And considering Jorah’s her morality pet/conscience, he would fit the bill)

(basically if Jorah dies this episode, then my confidence in the show going the Dark!Dany route rises)

Tormund! I’m guessing you’ll live. The writers need some fan favorite B characters to make it through the night…

Ooh, Beric. Yeah… you’re probably not one of them…

And the Hound will be needed for Cleganebowl, so he’s safe. No way they’re writing off the guy with all the hype surrounding him and his bro’s one-on-one

Actually, he’s one of the few people I’m absolutely sure will live past this episode

Gendry… 50/50 on you, too, sadly. I hope you make it, though

Darn it, knowing I’m never going to see some of these characters again is making me emotional. And it’s not even ten minutes into the episode!!!

Awwww. Poor Edd. You’re definitely a goner, since you essentially doomed yourself last week

Aaaaaaaand now I”m tearing up. Darn it!!! It’s too early to cry!

My new mantra: Please let Sam live

Wow, that shot is… dark. I wouldn’t have known those were horses if not for the whinnying

GHOST!!! Are we going to see him fight this episode? Because Im so here for it!

My wonderful Dad and Brother are just as pumped to see him as I am. Bless them

“But, seriously, why is Ghost with Jorah and the Dothraki and not with the Northerners in the crypts? Wouldn’t that be more practical” - My Wonderful Brother; taking time from his celebration to ask the tough questions

And here’s Dany to ruin my mood. Absolutely spectacular

“So, do you think she’ll abandon Jon and co during the battle?” - My Wonderful Dad

“Nope, she still wants the North to see her as their hero. It’s more likely she’ll rush in at some point and ruin the plan.” - My Wonderful Brother

Sansa!!! Arya!!!

Hey, remember when Dany stans said that Sansa’s S8 hairstyle was based on their kween’s? Good times, good times

Oooooh. A rider in the night? But who? The gang’s all here, except for Cersei and Euron

Is it Bronn? Kind of bad timing if it is…

No, wait, Carice von Houten was in the credits. It’s Melisandre, isn’t it?

They’re zooming in on Davos, it must be…

Yep.

“So, let’s none of us question why she’s here or how she got around the undead army marching on the North. Deal?” - My Wonderful Dad

“Deal.” - My Wonderful Brother and Less Wonderful I

And, once again, everything’s super dark, even for this show. Is it supposed to be intentional, or…?

I love how Jorah’s like: “I don’t know who the heck you are or what you want or why you’re here, but sure I’ll do what you ask, weird pretty red lady”

FINALLY!!! LIGHT!!! Thank you, Melisandre!

I’ll admit, that was a beautiful shot

I have a real affinity for how Liam Cunningham portrays an angry Davos. I’m not really sure why, but I do

Okay, so Melisandre’s going to die before the dawn. Why do I feel somewhat emotional about it?

(I’m still not over Shireen, so I really have no clue)

Ooooh, that look shared between Melisandre or Arya. Is Arya going to kill her? Maybe because of what happened to Gendry?

Ummmmmm…. Dothraki. What are you doing?

Seriously, what are you guys doing?

Don’t tell me these knuckleheads are actually charging at an enemy they can’t even see…

Oh, shoot. That’s exactly what they’re doing.

………… and now were’s firing the catapults. Umm, hello, don’t we kind of need our supplies for later?! What are you dimwits doing?!?!

No, really, this is idiotic. Why are they lighting things up and charging all gleefully like it’s a 4th of July cookout?!?!

“No, Ghost. Turn around. You’re too smart for this.” - My Wonderful Dad

Well lookie there. The Dothraki charged right into the army of the dead. Who could’ve possibly predicted that? *sarcasm, sarcasm*

“And just like that, the Night King’s added tens of thousands more soldiers to his army. Everyone say “thank you, Dany” for bringing your men who apparently have zero impulse control.” - My Wonderful Brother

“So this is why God didn’t give cavemen fire.” - My Wonderful Dad

You just know that Jaime’s watching this display thinking “why did my men have such a hard time fighting those guys again?”

Aaaaaand the screen’s nearly pitch black again. Dandy

Oh, look, slow-mo Jorah. At least I think it is. It’s kind of hard to tell…

Ugh. Dany. I’m not in the mood for you

Wow, astounding. She’s not going to stick to the plan. I’m sure this will work out just fine

“Told ya’.” - My Wonderful Brother

Nothing screams true love quite like yanking your arm out of your boyfriend’s grasp and snapping at him.

(Anyone else ever get CerseixJaime vibes from these two? And I’m not just talking about the incest…)

Grey Worm putting on his helmet is somehow one of the best parts in this episode so far. And I don’t think that’s a good thing

But still, it’s too early to judge, so I’ll shut up

Why hello, Army of the Dead. How was that 4th of July cookout the Dothraki ran into?

And now it’s time for my favorite game - count the fallen red shirts! Let’s see… 1, 2, oh, there’s a third…

And there’s one red shirt who just realized his name’s never been said on the show and booked. I respect his genre-savyness

Meanwhile, back with the important characters…

No!!! Brienne!!! No!!!

Jaime’s “wench sense” prevails again. That’s my boy

Dany’s “ruin-my-mood sense” is also as strong as ever, apparently

Well, at least the dragonfire shone some light on things

Sansa looking awed at Jon on a dragon is so far one of the best shots in the episode

I will forever hate Jonerys, but Ramin Djawadi always knocks it out of the park with his score - even with their theme.

I wonder if he’ll have anything new to present for this episode…

Jon’s gotten a lot better at riding Rhaegal. That could be very useful in upcoming conflicts… *grins wickedly*

Lovely, now Jon’s stuck in a snowstorm. *sighs* Really, I give him one compliment…

“I just hope that Dany remembers she has to light the trench and doesn’t follow him in.” - My Wonderful Dad

“You’re asking for way too much, Daddy.” - My Wonderful Brother

Aw, Sansa. I’m so proud of you. And this is why I love the Starks - no matter the dangers they face, they’re loyal to their people first and foremost

… Arya, no offense, but your sister’s not much of a fighter. Don’t you think you should give her more than just one tiny dragonglass blade?

Ah, callbacks. But, seriously, give Sansa another weapon

Seeing Jaime, Brienne, and Pod together in any capacity gives me all the feels. All of them. Even when they’re fighting literal zombies

And now Dany’s also lost in the snowstorm. Well, on the bright side, at least she didn’t fly directly into it

Theon!……… yeah, you’re a dead man. I’ll sincerely miss you

And we’re back to the battle. That was… interesting editing

16 red shirts… 17 red shirts… 18 red shirts…

So it’s twenty minutes in and no named characters have died yet. I’m surprised…

And there goes Edd. *cries* Why did I think I was safe?!?! Why?!?!?!?!?!

So that’s one death I guessed. I wonder who else…

Okay, is it even possible for Sophie Turner to look anything but beautiful? I mean, even with this episode’s lighting…

I forgot Tyrion was alive Oops

Still have a sinking suspicion the crypts are going to be overrun with wights…

I honestly admire how calm Tyrion is. If my brother was out fighting an army of undead popsicles, you could bet I would be anything but

Jon and Dany bumping into eachother on dragonback is really making me smile. Even though I know it wasn’t intentional this time

If Jorah doesn’t die, Lyanna Mormont will. I’m calling it now

Grey Worm is so far the MVP of this battle. Now I’m really worried about his survival odds…

Soooooooo… are the dragons just going to be lost in this snowstorm the entire episodes? I mean, they have to play a bigger part than that, right?

(if they don’t then Jon really went through some serious guff for nothing)

Jon calling Dany by her nickname again despite knowing she doesn’t like it gives me life. So what if I’m petty?

And back with Theon and Bran after… nothing really happened

“Is it just me, or does the editing this episode feel a little… off?” - My Wonderful Brother

“Not just you. It has been so far. Strange, considering that’s usually one of D&D’s strong points.” - My Wonderful Dad

Aaaaaaand back to the battle after nothing really happened

“….. really?” - My Wonderful Brother

Brienne checking on Pod is what I live for. Honestly, I’m so far more interested in my J-B-P Family Trio than the actual battle

(Though I don’t think I’m supposed to be)

And the lighting is pitch black again. Huzzah

Unsullied don’t feel fear, huh? Welp, Grey Worm’s quickly realizing that most Unsullied don’t usually fight dead men

Really, though, this scene is on-point. Kudos to everyone involved

And now Dany can’t see the signal to light the trench. Yippee…

“YOU HAD ONE JOB, DAENERYS!!! ONE!!!” - My Wonderful Dad

On another note, I think I finally figured out why Melisandre conveniently strolled back into the picture when she did

And there we go

You know, everything has played out so predictably thus far that I feel like D&D are going to pull a huge, random move at some point

One that likely won’t make any sense, knowing them

Oh, I hope that’s not the case

Alright, that shot when Melisandre finally light up the trench is beautiful. I must admit

…………………………………………………………………………. wait, so Jon was just chilling right next to the trench when he could’ve lit it up this whole time?!?!?!?!

Ugh. So far he’s been utterly useless this battle. I mean, I love the guy, but really?

Please tell me they’re just saving his potential for when he fights the Night King. Or, even better, fights him so Bran can take him down

(D&D wouldn’t honestly butcher my boy like this without a reason, right?)

Oh, great. I forgot the Hound has PTSD when it comes to fire. This should be interesting. With any luck, he’ll overcome his fear this episode

Back in the crypts which are still somehow safe

And it’s times like these, when Tyrion touts his own greatness, that I remember he’s much more like Tywin than I’d care to acknowledge

Yes, Tyrion. You would make all the difference out there in the battle. When not even your swordsman brother should, logically-speaking, be near it, given his one hand situation. But, sure. You keep on thinking that.

Sansa laying some truth down. I stan

I really do enjoy her and Tyrion’s chemistry. And it’s actually nice to take a bit of a break from the battle

Oh, look at that. Sansa and Dany aren’t besties after their talk last episode after all. Odd, I could’ve sworn some stans said they were

One of which was, apparently, Missandei

Gee, I love you, Missandei, but that comment was totally uncalled for. They weren’t even talking to you

“And maybe if it weren’t for the dragon queen, the wall would still be standing and the dead wouldn’t even be here.” - My Wonderful Brother

“The girl didn’t even light the trench. Which was, again, her one job!” - My Wonderful Dad

*sighs* I really hate brainwashed Missandei. But I’m sure Dany’s stans will find a woman of color being blindly devoted to a white woman totally empowering

(And, before anyone bashes me, I’m speaking as someone who’s got the blood of all walks of minorities in my veins)

Ad back to Theon and Bran. Are they actually going to do something this time?

Oh, they are!

So, Bran’s “home” quote was said to Theon. Odd, and here I thought he was supposed to have said it to Dany… oh, well

Ooooh, warging Bran. With any luck, he’ll warg into a dragon at some point in this episode

I don’t even care anymore, just let the poor guy be useful in this battle somehow

So… when the army of animated corpses have better battle plans than your armies, exactly how screwed are you?

Jorah ushering Sam to the walls is actually really heartwarming

As is surrogate dad Jaime checking on his adopted son Pod en route to their battle stations

…… Jon has been sitting on the walls of Winterfell for who knows how long doing absolutely zilch. Not burning wights, not guarding Bran, not even brooding. And I’m ticked about it

What the heck, D&D? I thought you loved CGI dragon stuff

Well, finally. Yes, go fight the head popsicle, even if you don’t kill him. Go, my boy, and redeem yourself

The J-B-P Family Trio dynamic is my favorite thing in this episode thus far. Fight me

And Sam and Jorah. I want a spin-off named “Mormont and Tarly” with these two just hanging out

So, it’s almost halfway through the episode and only Edd has died out of the named characters. I have a feeling things are about to get bloody

Well, there goes another red shirt. What was I up to? 42?

No no no no no no no no. Bad wights. Not Jaime. Get off my problematic child! Get off him, darn you!!!

Brienne has “Kingslayer sense” confirmed

Who needs plot armor when you have your totally platonic not girlfriend watching your back?

My children fighting together… *tears up* I’m so proud…

And who needs plot armor when you have your totally platonic not boyfriend watching your back?

Jorah saving Sam with Heartsbane is all kinds of right. That is all

And the Hound is not making any sort of progress with his PTSD. I’m rooting for you, Sandor

Aaaaaaaaaaand…. I’m really tired of ninja!Arya already. I’m sorry. Unpopular opinion, I know, but it seems like the show’s going out of their way waaaay too much recently to make her seem all BAMF. I don’t know, call it personal preference, but I like it when there’s some vulnerability to a fighter

And maybe that hit to the head will take her down a peg. Knowing D&D, though… not likely

Oh, boy. The Hound’s really got it bad. I feel for him….

The fact he cares so much about Arya takes me back to S4, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Ah, the great seasons…

My wonderful Dad and Brother have taken to trying to adjust the brightness on our tv…to limited success. And this isn’t even the darkest the episode’s been…

Okay, I got over Lyanna Mormont in S7, but I have to say, she got the coolest death ever in the show by far. And I’m glad

Also, another predicted death. Makes me wonder about Jorah’s fate now…

So… the dragons above the clouds is a pretty shot and all, but are Jon and Dany just playing hide&seek with the Night King at this point, or…?

Oh, there’s the head popsicle!

(oh, if only fire could burn the unburnt…)

(speaking of which, how does Wightserion manage to breathe fire if he’s a wight and fire kind of kills them all over again? I’ve been wondering…)

“And after less than a minute of the dragons looking like they’d actually do something, we’ve now transitioned in to a game of tag, you’re it.” - My Wonderful Brother, getting fully annoyed with this episode

“At this point you could put Little Sam out in the field and he’d do more than the dragons.” - My Wonderful Dad, getting fully annoyed with this episode

And now Arya’s playing hide&seek with the wights. What is this, buy none get three day?

So… this scene is going to contribute something other than more bad lighting, right? Please say it is…

And nothing’s really happening…

And nothing…

Nothing….

Okay, so I have a feeling this is supposed to come off as a horror movie kind of thing, but it reads more like Tom&Jerry, imo

Wights have better hearing than me. I’m a little jealous

*shudders* Alright, the way that wight re-died (coining that term as of now) when Arya stabbed it was really gross. I tip my hat to the special effects and make-up team

Arya’s running like mad. And I’m happy she seems human again

(On another note, all this focus on Arya is really making me wonder what D&D are planning on doing with her. I can guess it’s something important…)

Too dark to see too dark to see too dark to see too dark to see…

I’m still surprised the crypts are safe. Maybe I’m wrong and they won’t be taken over by the dead after all

“This episode needs more Sansa. I said what I said.” - My Wonderful Brother

The Hound and Beric’s buddy cop adventures continue

Sweet move, Beric. We should enter you in javelin-throwing

Arya fighting just fine with a head wound. Even though I’m pretty sure she must have a concussion. Oh, what the heck, it’s a fantasy show

Beric sacrificing himself for Arya and the Hound in an honestly brilliant scene… that I could hardly see… -_-*

Beric dying to protect them also means that I was probably right before when I said Arya’s going to play an important role in this fight. Or the Hound

But my money’s on Arya. They’ll want a girl power shield in case their plans fall through

Really, the lighting on this episode looks like the contrast effect I add to my Sony Vegas-made AMVs before filtering the colors

So… Melisandre’s alone in this room surrounded by a bunch of doubly dead wights. Did she kill them all herself? Did she flambe them? I would really like to know

And blue eyes. Wait… no.

“They’re going to have Arya kill the Night King. That’s their big twist” - My Wonderful Brother

“But that wouldn’t make any sense. I mean, what about Bran? Doesn’t his whole story revolve around taking down the Night King?Didn’t Uncle Benjen say in no uncertain terms that without Bran they lose everything?” - Me

“Yep. But it’s still going to be Arya.” - My Wonderful Brother

“But what about Jon?! Doesn’t 90% of his arc center around facing this guy, too?! What about their stare down in “Hardhome”?” - Me

“Maybe Jon gets a crack at him, but it’s going to be Arya who finishes him off.” - My Wonderful Brother

“They wouldn’t!” - Me

“Remember Joffrey’s funeral scene in “Breaker of Chains” and how they changed it?” - My Wonderful Dad

“……… oh, no. They would.” -Me

And now I’m worried

I mean, I love Arya, I really do. And I love girls being great. But something like that would just feel so… out-of-the-blue

Please don’t let that be the case

(But then again, my wonderful Brother’s always right)

Theon and the red shirts going to war and I can’t even try to appreciate it

Oh, well, I couldn’t see much of it anyway

And there goes Rhaegal and Wightserion fighting in the sky. And I can’t even see what’s happening. Wondrous

*squinting*

No! Not the cloak Sansa made for Jon! Bad dragon, bad!

*more squinting*

… did Drogon just bite Rhaegal? It looks like it. But I won’t jump to any conclusions just yet because I CAN’T FRICKING SEE!!!

Jon has to be hurt after that fall. There’s no way he only got a few scrapes

Then again, the damage to his body is probably far less than the damage my eyes have taken straining to see the screen

And back to the battle. Time to see if anyone I love is still alive…

*even more squinting*

Ya’ know what, I can’t tell

Oh, great. Dany and the Night King. Well, let’s see if she’s going to kill him and become the heiress of a million more prophecies

Bet you ten bucks she’s going to smile when she burns him

And knock knock I’m here to collect my money

Well, Jon’s staggering around like he’s hurt, at least. That’s good enough for me (at least someone seems to be affected by bodily wear-and-tear)

And the Night King’s not burnt. Oh, this is great!!!

AND THAT SMIRK!!! I CAN’T!!! *falls off chair laughing*

“Can we stan the Starks and the Night King at the same time? Is that even possible?” - My Wonderful Dad

“Well, Dany, your purpose here is done. Time to go back to Meereen.” - My Wonderful Brother

“Excuse me, but what did the people of Meereen ever do to you to have you wish such a thing on them?” - My Wonderful Dad

“Nothing. I just really want Demanding Tourist out of Westeros already.” - My Wonderful Brother

Yes, head popsicle. Get the dragon brat!!! Yeeeeeeeees!!!!!!

Aw, darn it. He missed

Oooh, Jon running at the Night King. Here we go! One-on-one!!!

Oh, shoot. He’s running towards him as the guy’s reanimating the corpses?! Is he really planning on sacrificing himself?!??!

(you know what, never mind. It’s Jon - we already know the answer is yes)

Okay, sweetie, all you need is a few good jabs and I’ll be happy. Just get a couple hits on this guy and I’ll be satisfied

Immediately has “Satisfied” from Hamilton play in my head and chooses to ignore it

Ummm… Jon. Why are you stopping? The path is still clear? Just run through!

Oh, shoot, everyone that was killed is coming back

Oh, hey, look, Jaime and Brienne are still alive… and they’re probably not going to be in two more minutes so I better enjoy it. Good thing I have both Wench and Kingslayer sense, or I might not have been able to tell it was them in the dark

Now where’s Pod? *activates Squire sense”*

And there’s the crypts not staying safe. I fricking called it and I wish I hadn’t

Don’t you dare touch Gilly or Little Sam or Sansa, wights!!!

On another note… how did the wights manage to punch through solid stone with their skeletal hands?

My boy Theon still stepping up. *sighs* I’m really going to miss him… and back from a quick cut, Jon squinting at that dragonfire is me right now, after nearly a whole hour of watching an almost fully-black screen

Giving credit where credit is due, Dany just saved my fav. Thanks for that, but don’t get used to it

Ooooooooh Dany stuck in the middle of nowhere without her dragons surrounded by wights… *pulls out White Walker paraphernalia and foam finger* Team Wights forever!

(What? I did say don’t get used to it)

No Jorah! Nooooooo! Why?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

“WE COULD’VE HAD IT ALLLL!!!!” - My Wonderful Brother

Also, kind of hate how the sword belonging to the family Dany burnt alive is now being used to defend her, but who cares what I think, right?

Jon running past Sam is so wrong on so many levels

On another, however, it shows that he prioritizes Bran - his family - above all else. So, maybe I’m giving D&D too much credit here, but if that’s what they were trying to convey, I can see where they’re coming from

This tunnel run is the most fighting Jon’s actually gotten to do in the episode thus far, which is actually pretty dissapointing

Y’know, considering he was all gung-ho about fighting the Army of the Dead and all

Theon , my boy, you make me proud

Also, what is Bran actually doing? Something important, I hope…

Wow. Dany can magically wield a sword. Where did this sudden skill come from, I wonder…

Are Sansa and Tyrion taking refuge behind Ned’s tomb? *heart breaks into a million pieces*

“YES! WE’RE FINALLY GOING TO SEE SANSA IN ACTION!!!” - My Wonderful Dad

*scene cuts away*

“Hey, I said in action, not inactive! I want to see my girl kill some wights!” - My Wonderful Dad

He’s been a full Sansa stan for only a week yet he gets how awesome she is. I’m so proud of him

Oh, great, Wightserion almost killing Jon

Oh, great, wights almost killing my J-B-P Family Trio

WHY DO PIANO SCORES NEVER MEAN ANYTHING GOOD IN THIS SHOW?!?!?!?!

Yet I’m already loving this score. Let’s see just how much of a next level Ramin Djawadi takes it to

No, bad wights! Don’t kill my children!

No! Don’t make Sam cry!

Noooooooooooo! Don’t say thank you, Bran! Now he’s really going to die!

NOOOOOOO! THEON!!!!!!! *cries hysterically*

Jon… just can’t catch an awesome break this episode, can he? Now he’s got to deal with the dragon he already faced again… *sighs*

And yep. Ramin Djawadi outdid himself with this score. And that’s the hill I die on

Jon, sweetie… why are you randomly screaming at a dragon? Did you hit your head when you fell off Rhaegal? Has the stress of obsessing over the undead finally caught up to you? Did Dany finally break you?

Okay, a white walker’s hair has suddenly turned into a Maybelline commercial

And it’s…

Arya. Oh, boy. Here we go…

Aaaaaaaaand… it’s over. Just. Like. That.

We never even got to know anything about him and that’s it

They Snoke’d him

And Bran was utterly useless, to boot

*left eyes strained from too much squinting twitches*

“They really did it…” - mMe

“Called it.” - My Wonderful Brother

“Well… I guess good for Arya. Right?” - My Wonderful Dad

“No. Not good. Not good. I’m glad she got a chance to shine and I don’t even care about her hitting the final blow. I don’t care who hi it, honestly!!! But Jon and Bran were both completely useless?! EVEN BRAN?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! BRAN’S ENTIRE STORYLINE WAS THE NIGHT KING!!! NOW WHAT’S HE ANY GOOD FOR?! TELLING HIS FAMILY THAT JAIME PUSHED HIM OUT A WINDOW?!?! DON’T GIVE ME THAT! I DID NOT SIT THROUGH SEVEN ENTIRE SEASONS OF GAME OF THRONES AND PUT UP WITH SIX OF THEM WATCHING BRAN’S BORING-AS-ALL-HECK VISIONS JUST FOR HIM TO BE PLAYING WARG THE RAVENS THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE EPISODE AND HAVE NO SAY IN TAKING DOWN THE POPSICLE!!!” - Me, with an unpopular opinion that will get me in so much trouble later

“True. His lack of involvement was… dissapointing.” - My Wonderful Dad

“You know, there’s a way it all could’ve worked. All they had to do was have Bran warg into the Night King to try and keep him at bay to give Arya the chance to finish him off. Show a bit of struggle between all three of them and ultimately have Bran be the deciding factor. Maybe throw in a bit of flashbacks to the guy’s past, while they were at it” - My Wonderful Brother

“Yeah, but that would require making the guy look like a legitimate threat in terms of fighting.” - Me

“Oh, that’s an easy fix. They should’ve let Jon fight the Night King before and get royally owned. That would’ve established him.” - My Wonderful Brother

“Not only that, but it would also heighten the expectation that Jon would make a huge comeback, which would really throw the viewers for a loop when Arya comes to save Bran instead.” - My Wonderful Dad

My family, everyone. Also known as my bright spots in the abysmal world

To be fair, the one thing I like about this is that the knife originally intended to kill Bran eventually saved him. Bravo

Welp, there goes Jorah. My heart is already in pieces, so a few more breaks won’t do anything

*cries anyway*

Guess Dark!Dany is probably coming. At least I hope so. And then we’ll have Bronn fight her or some other nonsensical decision. Who cares anymore?

I can’t bring myself to feel a shred of pity for Dany or an ounce of compassion. Yet even I know Emilia Clarke’s acting in this scene is fantastic

And now at the end of the episode we finally have light. And my eyes actually are having a hard time adjusting to it

So long, Melisandre. I’m surprisingly emotional about this but maybe that’s just because I’m still crying from Jorah

That’s it? Huh. That’s it. Who lived? Who died? Don’t ask me.

I’m going to go work on my AU now. It may suck, but at least I put real effort into it. Maybe I’ll be a screenwriter. It seems to require very little

I’m bitter and ready to be unfollowed

Sorry

#gots8e3spoilers...#anti daenerys #anti jonerys #dark!dany #anti targ restoration #anti targaryen #anti d&d...#anti arya to a extent but not really #just in case i don't want to offend anyone #political!jon musings #unpopular opinions...#anti episode lighting #sorry about the potential typos and incoherencies #i was ticked really ticked #please don't @ me i don't want to start trouble #just getting this all off my chest

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thecharmingknightemma-moving · 5 years

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like this post and I’ll pick a sentence from this meme and turn into a short starter (one liner or with a bit of context)

you can specify your muse(s) and everything else if you want (fandom, what is Emma)

some sentences might need to be adjusted to work

I’ll copy them under read more as well in case the post disappears:

‘ i’m a snack but everyone seems to be on a diet. ’ ‘ i’m gonna replace every bone in my body with a knife, if someone punches me they’re in for a surprise (the knife) ’ ‘ let me just flirt with you and be a brat and send you cute half nudes. ’ ‘ blue-flavored candy is always the best flavor of candy like what the fuck. blue raspberries aren’t even a thing. we are literally eating the color blue as a flavor and it’s fucking magical. ’ ‘ touch id is pissing me off. ‘try again’ the fuck? it’s me with a lil chicken grease. ’ ‘ call me in the middle of the night and tell me you can’t sleep without me. ’ ‘ healthy relationships with fathers? sounds fake. ’ ‘ me to my alarm in the morning: i was literally sleeping but go off i guess. ’ ‘ do i blame my zodiac sign or my childhood traumas or both ’ ‘ *eating microwaved ramen noodles and watching kitchen nightmares* i cannot believe this asshole didn’t use fresh chicken in his paella, unbelievable. ’ ‘ my specialty: the accidental 12 hour nap in broad daylight ’ ‘ quiet little moans while making out is the hottest thing ever ’ ‘ date somebody who will go on a road trip with you to see america’s 10 most haunted places ’ ‘ any vampires who need permission to enter my house…. you have my permission… you wanna come through my window in a flurry of fog and wind? you can do that… wanna drink my blood and take me away to your big vampire castle? alright friend, go for it ’ ‘ i’m the guy from the lady and the tramp who gives stray dogs pasta and stands in an alleyway playing an accordion for them ’ ‘ *nervously calls crush bro* ’ ‘ i don’t have trust issues. i have ‘seen that shit happen before my own eyes’ issues. ’ ‘ fuck summer. i want it to be dark and misty and frigid and october. ’ ‘ concept: we are holding each other in bed, we look at each other and know that all that waiting all that distance was worth it to be close now ’ ‘ i’m so lucky to have gotten to watch you grow so much this past year. i’m so proud of you. ’ ‘ i’m so protective of me now, i’ll cut somebody off for simply having the wrong energy ’ ‘ why are you trying to make me horny. bitch, you know i’m making macaroni. ’ ‘ date a boy who curls up on your lap, even though he is 6’2" because he loves cuddles ’ ‘ going out on a date is cool and all; but what about simply sharing a bed with someone, listening to music and discovering everything about one another, together. ’ ‘ we are drunk and i ended up sitting on the bathroom counter with my legs wrapped around you, but when i wrote ‘marry me’ on your hand with a sharpie, i wasn’t joking. ’ ‘ you’re equivalent to my favorite color. you’re the human version of what is safe. ’ ‘ one of the most toxic things i’ve ever done is ignore the bad in someone because i love them. ’ ‘ you think you want me to shut up? i have to listen to myself even when i’m not talking ’ ‘ why would i fuck a demon? simple, the status. imagine rolling up into hell already havin had your back blown out by one of their own. imagine you and a gang of other losers standin at the gates of hell, they’re all crying, scared to death about having a pitchfork up their ass for eternity and you just walk into the arms of your sugar demon? legendary. ’ ‘ i like wearing your clothes. they smell like you and your scent is home to me. ’ ‘ *therapist voice* you are stupid and gay. ’ ‘ i like to blame myself for everything just in case. ’ ‘ the realist thing you can do for me is keep your word. ’ ‘ love yourself enough to set boundaries. your time and energy are precious. ’ ‘ i haven’t done anything but i sure could use a break. ’ ‘ sometimes you just need to hear how much you mean to someone. ’ ‘ who needs april fools. my entire life is a joke. ’ ‘ i wish i could be near you, my heart misses you. ’ ‘ i’m not trying my hardest but i’m very tired which i think should be taken into consideration. ’ ‘ me @ me: don’t start buddy don’t you dare. ’ ‘ so what’s next? you heal. you grow. and you help others. ’ ‘ my kink is not setting an alarm for the next morning. ’ ‘ if you think i’m cute send me money. ’ ‘ one day i will take a good selfie and you will be sorry….. you will all be sorry. ’ ‘ not a day passes where i don’t embarrass myself but it’s ok because i’m on the path to destroy my ego so i won’t be embarrassed anymore. ’ ‘ there is no reason not to love with you whole heart. ’ ‘ i hope your heart heals from all the damage it took over the years. ’ ‘ sometimes you just gotta say fuck it and send that text. ’ ‘ ‘i can see your nipples through that shirt’ first of all stop being ungrateful. ’ ‘ so much is going on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s too much!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to sleep in the forest for 190 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m tired leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ’ ‘ i heard you like bad girls. well i’m bad….. at everything. ’ ‘ yes, i am fully aware that I’m The Worst™ but i still wanna be like……. loved and stuff. ’ ‘ i really am, from the bottom of my heart, an actual fucking idiot. ’ ‘ let me show you just how good i can be. ’ ‘ i’m just tryna chill on a beach somewhere at 3 am. ’ ‘ i have a serious weakness for thigh grabbing and hickeys. ’ ‘ i’m a snail and god is salting me. ’ ‘ i hate texting people who don’t use a billion emojis and a trillion exclamation points in their messages. just say you hate me and want me to die. ’ ‘ being called baby?????? holding hands????!? being KISSED?!!!?!??????? ’ ‘ i hope your heart heals from all the damage it took over the years. ’ ‘ my heart busts a nut every time someone tells me they saw something and they thought of me. ’ ‘ i have hella heart eyes for you. ’ ‘ you’re cute. i wanna kiss you for a whole hour. ’ ‘ it’s pretty iconic to like yourself. ’ ‘ i am so jealous of animals that get to hibernate, like what the fuck, why can’t i just sleep for four months and then return to real life. ’ ‘ stop feeling sad and acting weird you bitch (the bitch is me) ’ ‘ i’m still obsessed with you like it’s day one. ’ ‘ to quote hamlet act iii scene iii line 92, ‘no’. ’ ‘ i would have a cuter room if i wasn’t a goblin who threw all her shit on the floor. ’ ‘ on two hours of sleep i’m either way too happy or violently homicidal. ’ ‘ let’s go on a date and by date i mean lay in bed and make out for three hours. ’ ‘ alphabet soup. more like times new ramen am i right. ’ ‘ tbh it’s okay if no one else thinks i’m funny because i think i’m a riot. ’ ‘ catching feelings is bullshit. i’m just eating french fries, why i gotta think about kissing you? fuck you. ’ ‘ smiling is so weird like you stretch your eating hole to show happiness. ’ ‘ self care is putting absurd amounts of parmesan cheese on your pasta. ’ ‘ you didn’t go through all of that for nothing. ’ ‘ get you a girl who loses her shit every time you send a selfie. ’ ‘ i wish i could be there to take care of you right now. ’ ‘ home is where the heart is and my heart has always belonged to you. ’ ‘ i just wanna have soft glowy skin, long eyelashes, pink lips, rosy cheeks, lots of cash, and no responsibilities. ’ ‘ ok but platonic forehead kisses. ’ ‘ my heart is guarded but like… very poorly. the kind of guards that would let 3 kids in a trench coat into an r-rated movie. ’ ‘ what doesn’t kill me doesn’t kill me (unfortunately). ’ ‘ do you ever look at a boy and wonder if he moans as pretty as he looks. ’ ‘ life tip: if nothing goes right go to sleep. ’ ‘ by cute do you mean you wanna frick frack or do you mean i look 12? ’ ‘ cats are very pickupable and i think that was a really good choice on their part. ’ ‘ don’t depend on anyone. handle your own shit. ’ ‘ there isn’t one alternate reality where i didn’t fall in love with you. ’ ‘ being my ex must be the worst thing. imagine losing me? ’ ‘ if i say ‘backstreet’s back’ and you do not say ‘ALRIGHT!’ we’re not friends. burn in hell, you sick fuck. ’ ‘ i love every cat in the entire world. every cat on the planet. if there are any cats in outer space, i love them too. ’ ‘ my mom is really that bitch and i’m that bitch jr. ’ ‘ you know you’re fucked when their voice turns you on. ’ ‘ don’t look at my fucking boner when we fight. ’ ‘ not all heroes wear capes. a lot of them wear collars and are called dogs. ’ ‘ it’s you. it will always be you. ’ ‘ why do tattoos cost so much? i’m paying you to injure me. ’ ‘ thank you for being the biggest light in my life and saving me from the darkness. ’

#sorta starter call #starter call;#to be reblogged later #some can be texts some are definitely said out loud #might be done tomorrow for obvious reasons

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marauders70s · 5 years

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So I just watched Crimes of Grindelwald and I have a huge rant list.

Spoilers (obviously).

Also, I did not like hardly any of it, so I’m sorry. Don’t pick a fight with me after reading a post entitled rant list and then be upset that they are all rants.

- wow AMERICA yeah jo we know what you think of us. it’s obvious in our de-tonguing geneva-convention violating (i know it’s not around in 1927 okay) inhumane treatment of not just grindelwald but apparently all the prisoners and animals we keep in cages (i know our prison system is inherently terrible i’m very aware) but to transport him like a paralyzed stroke victim drooling to a thestral carriage on a Dark And Stormy Night really just is lazy writing on why we should dislike aurors without giving anyone a plot, dialogue, or exposition

- this guy who has been posing as Grindelwald....since the beginning? since when? they cut out his tongue?? but then? it’s just forked? there’s magic? like? could they grow the tongue back?? they can regrow bones in harry’s arm but okay

- this thestral carriage chase scene is really CGI explosion heavy turned actioned film and mostly consisted of me being like what. what. WHAT. wait what. wait who is that. what. why wouldn’t he just disapparate. what happens to these thestrals. okay. what. grindelwald can just dissolve wands since when can people do that why didn’t voldemort do that why didn’t harry do that this presents problems

- okay look david yates and co. you had this incredible opportunity to create an entire wardrobe of WIZARD FASHION in THREE COUNTRIES, most notably the fashion capitol of the world and what did you do you put every single person in trench coats and random muggle garb. Also, not even cool wizard hats. No. Just muggle bowlers and mobster hats.

- Does Newt have a job. If so, what is it? How can he pay for this lovely house with magical modifications? Don’t you have to get a contractor to put that in? Did he do it himself? How does he pay Sad Girl In Love With Protagonist tm? Does he pay her? How did they meet? Why do we never see her again?

- For a movie entitled ‘Fantastic Beasts’ we really gloss over looking at any of the in-house beasts, learning anything about them, or doing anything except a CGI palooza.

- Wow Queenie and Jacob are here ‘hope you don’t mind we let ourselves in’ ah yes rude american trope again. who on earth would do that. also this entire time jacob acts like a goon and newt is like let’s take the enchantment off and i’m like hi that’s hella nonconsensual you’re basically raping and kidnapping him and jacob is somehow okay with this. newt is somehow okay with this.

- ‘please don’t read my mind’ um dude you’re talking AT her???

- movie glosses over how jacob got his memories back with a throwaway line of unbelievable dialogue. If obliviate only worked on bad memories, Hermione Granger really needs to go to family counseling with her parents.

- mysterious postcard is exposition over really dumb journalism error that could have been easily fixed within seconds by sending an owl because owls don’t need addresses, something queenie conveniently forgets by not knowing how to find her sister

- queenie is a Dumb American for cheap laughs by letting a woman say something in french, laughing, and saying she doesn’t understand anything only for the droll French woman to repeat it in the exact monosyllabic voice. Apparently everyone entering/leaving a country needs to register a visa or something, which is conveniently circumvented by going through a muggle port? It’s unclear. Queenie herself does not seem to have registered.

- French Ministry of Magic is gorgeous. Has a cool roots to iron elevator. It is also probably improperly named as they put ‘American Ministry of Magic’ despite America not having ministries or ministers outside of some serious religious stuff. They put all this effort into creating MACUSA but didn’t use it.

- Is it just me or does the MoM change the interior every time I see it.

- Queenie is devastated she can’t find her sister in a city of millions despite having magic, a means of communication that is foolproof, and enough money to find a hotel and wait to meet up. Queenie is overwhelmed that other people think in their native language. Instead of finding this helpful for tuning out a crowded city (like she does on the daily in New York), she somehow finds it overwhelming even looking for Newt/Jacob.

- Random woman is Silence In Queenie’s Head. I literally never learned who she was except Hard Bitch Kills Toddler. Or why Queenie can’t hear her thoughts. (Plot twist she’s Bella Swan).

- Toddler didn’t get his own little casket in the French mourning cart. Nice of Grindelwald to give a supposedly muggle family a funeral cart when he could have transfigured their bodies into armchairs or something. (Muggle supposed after he makes the remark about a ‘thorough cleaning.’)

- No one in Paris uses French in spellcasting. Spells are still English-based.

- Dumbledore is a dramatic bitch for gloves and rooftops. It’s a very specific brand of Gay.

- Don’t kill me but I don’t...hate? Jude Law as Dumbledore. He was still kind. But he wasn’t auburn and that was dumb.

- Unclear why Jacob and Queenie have to live in shame and secret when they could move to another country especially when Jacob loves bread and would like Paris. This seems to be Queenie’s motivator which is thin as hell and I didn’t follow her ‘logic’ at all. LAZY WRITING.

- Queenie immediately doesn’t disapparate upon seeing Grindelwald. Queenie somehow gets into this rhetoric. Later Queenie does not get disgusted with apropos wizard-Hitler being like ‘they are lesser beings’ and she, who wants to marry one, is like ‘yeah they totally are because I’m basically Jacob’s mom.’

- Grindelwald, in addition to being played by Johnny Depp, is albino, has one mutilated eye with a bad color contact clearly visible in multiple scenes, and is British when it is specifically stated he went to Durmstrang and was expelled for Dark Magic (at Durmstrang, which is noted for its Dark Arts program). As an allusion to wizard-Hitler, I always inferred that Grindelwald was German or Austrian.

- Wow Paris street magic carnival gave me LIFE and WOW and MAGIC feels. I loved the ducking through the barrier.

- Weird freakshow circus gets blown apart but Newt only manages to catch one creature that is helpfully foreshadowed it can leap Paris in a single bound. It is a Chinese creature when no mention of Chinese magic, Chinese handlers, or any sort of Asian magic is referred to (except in the cringe-worthy case of the ‘South Asian blood curse of Nagini’ which is a whole other can of worms). In all likelihood, as China is one of the oldest civilizations, their magic and dragon worship would be more paramount. China cat’s serious Great Beast’s weakness is a cat toy.

- Why is Nicholas Flamel....like that. Sure he’s like 600 years old but (a) is Jacob literally breaking his hand what the hell, (b) as much money and life as you could want does that mean he has to be like 100 years old forever that sucks that’s not even worth being immortal. (c) Where’s his wife. (d) When he goes to battle I thought he’d drink some elixir and be young again but...no.

- Nagini has no purpose in this movie other than to be snake slave and love interest and run around in a circus outfit with tits out bra off. She did not do a single useful thing.

- Wait I’m sorry WHAT you can like...fuck house elves now?? There are half-elves? How....you know what no thanks I don’t want to know.

- Credence, despite the last movie setting up an obscurial as like a suicide bomb, can relatively control mega destruction now and get back into his body fairly easily. No one even wonders why this lacemakers roof apartment exploded.

- Are he and Nagini in love? Are they escaped carnival freak bros? Why isn’t Nagini heading for the hills? She literally has no personality of her own at all.

- Paris is suspiciously white in this film. Especially for the 20s art renaissance.

- I don’t know why Credence falls into Orphan Must Know Parentage Trope because it’s really overused and boring. And frankly the superfluity of ravens was really beating me over the head. Credence can like...do anything. He could get some money and go to a wand shop. He could just...disappear. I don’t know why he has to be so easy to track.

- By the way who is this weirdo tracking him for Grindelwald/the ministry. It’s very unclear. I never got his name. It’s probably one of the many death eater names they throw in to make sure you know these families great-grandparents are also running around being evil instead of, you know, regular people doing it. So he could be Travers. I guess. LAZY WRITING.

= Now is a special segment on Hogwarts =

- The layout of Hogwarts changes every time I see it. Why are the classrooms always different. Why would the wood still have carvings. Why is there a bridge over this lake which is different than the covered bridge leading towards the Forest that Harry and Lupin have a Serious Chat on.

- YOU CANNOT APPARATE IN HOGWARTS GROUNDS. And don’t you try to tell me Dumbledore instituted that because it’s directly stated in Bathilda Bagshot’s Hogwarts, A History as being a longstanding charm with muggle repelling.

- Everyone apparates onto the bridge and walks through the castle without anyone bothering them into the correct classroom right away?? Like did they get a copy of the teaching schedule? Did Peeves show them?

- Dumbledore did NOT teach DADA. Dumbledore taught transfiguration. He was still teaching Transfiguration when Tom Riddle went to school. So if Dumbledore is teaching Transfiguration, Minerva McGonagall would not be at Hogwarts because she taught transfiguration after Dumbledore. Pretty sure mcgonagall was too young in 1927 to be a professor. LAZY WRITING.

- Just looked it up. Pottermore (official JK writing, btw) states that Minerva McGonagall was born in 1934. So she’s officially negative 7 years old and a professor. That’s GOT to be a record. Poor Rowan Khanna will never beat preconception tenure.

- Despite me being ecstatic to hear/see a young McGonagall, the camera never held still long enough for me to see a young McGonagall. Any far away shots only demonstrated despite this being 1920s, she was still dressing in the 1890s. McGonagall, despite the obvious laughs it was going for, would never use magic against a student.

- Haha this dumb neanderthal student is Grandpa McClaggen.

- Dumbledore, being known for wearing really flamboyant robes, dresses in conservative three piece suit.

- Why would you not go home for the holidays when you have to take care of a baby raven you can just put it in a box or your pocket for christ’s sake you’re carrying like 6 niffler babies at one time but you never even show them again

- Will say that young Newt’s casting is A++

- WHY ARE THE UNIFORMS NAVY BLUE. WHY DO THEY WEAR RED TARTAN SKIRTS. WHY DO THEY HAVE PHD EMBELLISHMENTS ON ACADEMIC REGALIA? Why do they have colored hoods when the original films (and books to boot) say all black robes. Why are these robes not even proper wizarding robes but just like...cambridge robes.

- To be honest this boggart lesson is like?? insane?? how did it last for 70 years it’s honestly so unethical and cruel. I’ve ALWAYS thought this even reading it for the first time in POA I was like “people’s worst fears are spiders and mummies?” like my greatest fear even at 12 was people I love dying. The fact that Newt is more scared of a desk than Theseus dying is weird.

- “I don’t want to talk about my boggart” Leta LeStrange means there was an Incident where Dumbledore realized that some students don’t have Great Home Lives and yet persists in this lesson for the next 70 years knowing that multiple kids are going to have their parents abusing them as their greatest fear.

- Corvus, as a name, just means Raven. How stupid. “Is your house crest a raven?” “Yes. Also my brother. Like if you were named Badger McHufflepuff.” “Oh don’t worry my name is just Lizard Lizard.” “Cool."

- No background or even hints at future background (e.g. they haven’t written it yet) on why Leta gets with Theseus even after the first film where he has a picture of Leta in his suitcase.

- Theseus and Newt have no screen time interaction. They do not behave like brothers. They have no flashbacks. Even young Newt never interacts with his brother. There is no realism here that Newt says they have a complicated relationship or is annoyed by his brother. This exposition is just lazy writing with nothing on screen to back it up.

- So you’re telling me Dumbledore had the mirror of erised for SEVENTY YEARS and yells at harry for looking in it for three nights. How did Dumbledore not go mad? Where did he get it? I feel like 70 years is a long time to have it.

- I guess when you think about it yeah being 40 in the 1920s does put you on the mark to be 110 when Harry meets you but fuck the books did NOT explain HOW OLD Dumbledore was to me I always thought he was like hale and sprightly 70s/80s

- Okay so you’re looking in the mirror and going to just BRAZENLY FLOUT CANON and say his deepest desire looking in the mirror is to relive the memory of the blood oath? That’s exposition. That’s a memory. That’s a pensieve not a mirror. Your greatest desire has ALWAYS BEEN saving Ariana. And even if it was loving Grindelwald this is your GREATEST DESIRE like being together not reliving a blood oath just for the sake of audience explanation. LAZY WRITING.

------ Back to other rants

- Most of this movie was me squinting being like ‘what’s the plot??’ and if there was a whiff of plot (”we all have to find credence’s birth records!”) most of it was me being confused “why does this matter?” “how did they all get there?”

- The confession of Newt trying to talk to Tina in the records room was painful. Not cute. Not even funny. Just so painful. It was like secondhand embarrassment but like...pity embarrassment.

- I don’t know why Grindelwald has a map of a Parisian cemetery. I don’t know why he had to give it to Credence except as a big reveal. I don’t remember how Queenie got there. I genuinely DO NOT understand how Jacob got there much less passed through to the secret wizard place as a muggle.

- No idea why the records lady was attacking them when Leta checked in twice (once as Tina). NO CLUE why they were the worst animated cats of all time or why they became multiple cats or even why when taken out of the French records they became even worse animated ‘real’ cats when they could have just used real cats. The entire chase scene was baffling and unnecessary. The records lady was not an agent of Grindelwald so no idea what’s up with her bee in the bonnet sorry for wrecking all your shit bye.

- I saw this movie less than an hour ago. I’m still confused how Leta, Newt, and Tina all teamed up or why they were cool teaming up or what.

- This mausoleum has a Greek hellenistic statue of a man reclining for no apparent reason and these shelves are supposed to bear ashes right so why are you putting a dumb pop up book there. Why would Grindelwald’s agent remove the record in drag as an old lady? It was weirdly unnecessary.

- Yosef’s exposition on how a white man literally imperiused and raped his mother was like WOW NO ONE IS GONNA EVEN TOUCH THAT???? and then for her to die in childbirth it’s like...my dudes wizards have cured so many diseases muggles haven’t you know they’re up there inventing the c-section with Julius Caesar and accio’ing babies out of utero like ‘gimme that catcher’s mitt she’s fully dilated.’ This whole “oh it was the 1900s” nonsense does NOT apply to magic. LAZY WRITING.

- I immediately forgot what happened to Corvus’ mom. but whatever right? she’s just a disposable woman! this movie does NOT care about consent! much less women! haha they’re just flowers!

- ‘I killed my brother’ yeah i mean we saw that coming she was REALLY SURE he was dead. But I was 90% sure it was going to be a child accident like dropping him down the stairs or shaking him too hard to get him to stop crying and then swapping him with a live baby but no? so i don’t know i feel like you didn’t really kill him.

- this steamer going down is confusing. is it a muggle ship? if it’s a muggle ship than is Credence swapped a baby with...a muggle born wizard? Are their other wizarding families on the ship? If so then why did they drown? you can all magic out of there? your lifeboat wouldn’t go down? why even take a steamer ship to america? you can...apparate or portkey or floo or fly like this titanic nonsense makes NO SENSE. And if Papa LeStrange hates muggles so much why put his only children on an all muggle ship with a half elf (again why) who can’t do magic to protect them

- Finding Credence’s identity REALLY doesn’t need to revolve around the LeStrange’s sordid past. Steamer ships keep passenger logs. So. We really should leave the mausoleum now to go find that.

- Yosef took an unbreakable vow to kill this white baby and it’s dead so is he released? He was released like...20 years ago. Why does he continue to hang out with these people? Your endless vengeance has rested? No need to team up with the sister you never knew? apparently (their family dynamic was also poorly/not explained).

- Why is this mausoleum an underground amphitheater. Literally why it makes no sense. Is it supposed to bring up the first David Yates film OotP? I don’t know. It also has a lot of blue fire and people rapturing the fuck out of there (literally when did apparating involve staring up at the sky and blasting off in rocket smoke). Also in re this movie how can you be tracked after apparating (Newt/Dumbledore’s tail).

- So if you touch this curtain do you automatically teleport to this amphitheater. Also what if you touched it by accident and were like OH SHIT HOW DO I GET OUT. Like wow this guy wasn’t kidding when he said there’s no wizard that can match him magically. This is like Charles Xavier Magneto Level 1 Mutant Power kind of shit. Not even Voldemort could do that. Big Power Too Big trope. Again. How did Jacob even GET there.

- Johnny Depp wears leather pants. Costume department, get your act together.

- Grindelwald, continuing to be British, shows clips of the Great War, approx 1914-1918. While the tanks and biplanes were appropriate, there were also lines (assumingly?) to concentration camps and the nuclear bomb of Hiroshima, which wouldn’t take place until 1945. So is Grindelwald also a prophet? Is he a seer? They kept referencing this book of poems and prophecy but without letting us see it? it went along with my general ‘I’m getting the gist of this but not really the why because it doesn’t make sense.’ And then Grindelwald rumor mongers and uses fear tactics when one of the police aurors straight up KILLS A WOMAN like wow can we cool it with use of force/police brutality is this guy going to get written up or is he fire now?

- Ethnically ambiguous Grindelwald supporter (only person of color) gets immediately incinerated for not being 100% sure of his side. When Credence feels the same way, he gets a couple of gifts.

- Look, I didn’t start this way but I stan Leta LeStrange. She was honestly one of the only people and the only woman in this film with a personality.

- Queenie stands still as weak, silly, expositional, dumb American. For those of you about to be like ‘She’s spying on Grindelwald! She’s the greatest legilimens that ever lived!’ I just want to beg you to reconsider because if you’re right and if the writers get wind of that you know they’re going to have her like teach little Tom Riddle something just BECAUSE everything has to connect.

- Poor Jacob he seems okay with being stranded in another country. Is his bakery okay? Do his friends know he isn’t dead? He is super super super brave throughout this movie despite his main comedic strength in the other movie being nervous. But this time he’s like meh firefights and large monsters.

- Credence I understand going over. Nagini continues to not be a character and did not go with Newt and Crew.

- Wasn’t even sad for Theseus because again, Theseus had little to no character development except being a Whipping Boy to authority. Theseus and Leta never interacted in any meaningful way. Their relationship didn’t even seem real. I wasn’t even sad.

- I feel like Leta isn’t dead though because who the fuck else is carrying this LeStrange line to give birth to Rabastan and Rodolphus.

- At this point everyone apparates AGAIN to Hogwarts. This time I guess a ghost went and alerted Dumbledore because he’s waiting. But yeah like come on in for tea Newt but fuck all those kids they can wait here.

- What is this plot?? Is there a plot?? What is going on??

- Who gives someone a wand like this hi I hid it up my sleeve touch me my boy I long for your touch.

- This is a phoenix, not a Raven. Newt is a sad ordinary bird but you’re a bright beautiful phoenix. Apparently phoenixes can grow up in ONE DAY. Foreshadowing Dumbledore is foreshadowing. LAZY WRITING this is so stupid. The books would have been EXPLICIT about a fourth child.

- Maybe he’s a cousin. Close relative, perhaps? *Pleakley voice*

“He hasn’t got a brother?”

Dobby shook his head.

Literally where I’m at right now.

- ABRUPT ENDING IS ABRUPT I didn’t even realize this was the end of the film because the score, cinematography, and writing did NOT cue me that this was winding down. I literally was like ‘how long does this last’ and then it was like DAVID YATES. Okayyyyyyy.

- Anyway my sum feeling upon the lights going on was: what the fuck. was there a plot. there were so many loopholes. i was confused about many things almost the whole time because nothing was fleshed out and if they threw enough CGI at me I’d be patched up.

Final rating: It matches up pretty well to the middle film of The Hobbit trilogy.

#crimes of grindelwald #spoilers #ftbcog

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weekendwarriorblog · 6 years

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WHAT TO WATCH THIS WEEKEND 8/10/18 – The Meg, Slender Man, BlacKkKlansman, Dog Days

If you didn’t read last week’s column about August at the box office, then go ahead and do so now, but this week, we have a similar slate of potential hits and bombs that will mainly rely on whether people want to go to movie theaters to get away from the oppressive heat wave, or instead, go to the beach. Of course, if it rains this weekend, it will definitely help the movies.

THE MEG (Warner Bros.)

First up, is the first shark movie we’ve had in theaters in quite some time, and a PG-13 one to boot. The Meg, based on Steve Alten’s book Meg: A Novel of Deep Terror about a prehistoric shark that rears its ugly head in the Pacific Ocean. Unfortunately for this shark, it’s going to have to go up against Jason Statham in his first prominent role since appearing in last year’sFate of the Furious, and before he and Dwayne Johnson get their own Hobbs & Shaw spin-off next year.

The Meg is directed by Jon Turtletaub, best known for the National Treasuremovies, but he went on to direct The Sorcerer’s Apprentice for Disney (which didn’t do nearly as well) and directed CBS Films’ Last Vegas, which was a decent breakout comedy among older audiences. Maybe Turtletaub wouldn’t seem like the most likely suspect to direct a giant shark movie, but hey, more power to him.

The movie also stars Rainn Wilson (who I didn’t even recognize in the trailer), New Zealand’s Cliff Curtis (from Fear the Walking Dead) and Chinese superstar Bingbing Li, and by superstar, I mean that she seems to be put into every movie from Transformers: Age of Extinction to Resident Evil: Retribution in order to get Chinese audiences to see her movies. She’s not to be confused with Tian Jing who Legendary who puts in all of THEIR movies (three, so far) in order to help get Chinese audiences. I shouldn’t be cynical (especially with Crazy Rich Asians coming out next week), but at least it also stars Winston Chao, who starred in Ang Lee’s The Wedding Banquet, as well as starring the ever-present Orange is the New Black star Ruby Rose, who has appeared in four sequels in the last two years and has just been cast as Batwoman in a new CW television series.

I’m not sure if the actors on this matter much outside Statham, because shark enthusiasts even rushed out to see a Mandy Moore movie when 47 Meters Down opened last summer to $11.2 million in just 2,207 theaters, even though that wasn’t really a shark movie. When you talk about shark movies, you have to go back to the grand-daddy of them all, Steven Spielberg’s Jaws, which was the talk of the summer of 1975, becoming one of the first bonafide summer blockbuster, grossing $260 million, which is a LOT by ‘70s standards. Warner’s last attempt at a shark movie was 1999’s Deep Blue Sea, directed by Renny Harlin and starring Samuel L. Jackson and L.L. Cool J. That shark movie opened with $19.1 million and grossed $73.6 million but became a cult classic in the bargain. Surely, the interest in sharks and shark movies has only been exacerbated by Animal Planet’s annual Shark Week, which is mentioned in one of the trailer’s jokes, not to mention the super-bad Sharknado movies.

As the studio’s second to last movie of the summer, Warner Bros. has been giving this movie a huge marketing push, both on television and in theaters, where it was almost impossible to miss the trailer in front of other summer blockbusters, and the studio is putting it into close to 4,000 theaters (including IMAX), a number usually reserved for higher-profile blockbusters.

Reviews will probably be rather mixed, because The Meg is the type of summer popcorn movie that rarely is admired by the snobbier film critics, but it also seems fairly review-proof, because it seems like one of those fun popcorn movies we expect in the summer, which should allow it to do decently opening weekend, in the $20 to 25 million range opening weekend and maybe $65 million or slightly more with the summer winding down. Maybe it won’t be seen as big a bomb as Statham’s FF co-star Dwayne Johnson’s Skyscraper earlier this summer, but with a budget over $150 million, this one better hope that Chinese audiences like shark movies as much as Americans, because it’s not making that back domestically.

Mini-Review: What can be said about this giant, prehistoric shark movie other than if you’ve already watched the trailer a bunch of times, you’ll already know whether you’re in or out? After watching Jason Statham’s Jonas Taylor losing a couple of his friends in a submarine rescue mission gone pear-shaped, we cut forward five years to China where… wait, isn’t this the beginning of Skyscraper? It won’t take long to realize that The Meg is cut from the same cloth as the recent popcorn movie starring Statham’s Fast and Furious buddy, although in this case, Statham is constantly being overshadowed (quite literally) by the giant CG shark of the title.

It takes a little time to get there as we first have to visit the high-tech deepsea exploratory vessel in the Pacific Ocean, and we meet the team, as they’re about to make a dive into an area below the icy bottom of the Marianas Trench. The mission is going as planned until a large creature hits the deep-sea vessel leaving three members of the team trapped at the bottom of the ocean. Sure enough, they have to call upon Jonas Taylor, who happens to be the ex-husband of the lead scientist, sowe spend another 45 minutes on this rescue mission before we discover (big surprise) that the Megalodon they discovered has gotten out from under the icy depths where it was trapped. From there, we follow the course of events as the team try to put a stop to the Megalodon, and that’s all you really need to know.

The problem is that there are so many characters in the movie, each fighting for their little bit of screen-time against Statham. The writing is so driven by corny and obvious clichés, it’s almost painfully obvious the role each of these characters will play, including Page Kennedy’s funny black guy but especially Rainn Wilson’s corrupt billionaire who is going to make all the wrong calls for the sake of making money. Ruby Rose’s character gets very little to do as so much focus is put on Bingbing Lee’s character and her family. The thing is that you never feel much for either the characters that live or the ones that die, and an 8-year-old girl steals many scenes from the rest of the cast, including Statham.

By the time we get to the Megalodon arriving in the crowded Chinese bay – a scene right out of the original Jaws– we’ve pretty much given up on trying to take any of it seriously, even if most of the cast continues to utter every line in utter po-faced earnest. Otherwise, the movie tries way too hard to throw in funny moments, but rarely really delivers much in that sense, so you watch things unfold as might be expected.

In other words, The Meg is the corniest of popcorn movies that’s mostly ridiculous and predicable. Just don’t go in expecting Jaws, but maybe something closer to Jaws 2.

Rating: 6.5/10

SLENDER MAN (Screen Gems)

The movie offering the most direct competition for The Meg is this horror film that’s been moved around the schedule so much one wonders if this could possibly have the same quality as some of Screen Gems’ previous releases like 2016’s Don’t Breathe from Fede Alvarez. That one opened even later in August 2016 with an impressive $26.4 million opening on its way to $89.2 million (based on a $10 million budget), helping to solidify Alvarez as a master of horror after his Evil Dead remake a few years earlier.

Directed by Sylvain White (The Losers, Stomp the Yard), you may know Slender Man as the viral internet sensation and urban myth that ended up with one girl almost being murdered by a couple of her classmates “because Slender Man told them to do it.” There’s a lot more to this meme, which is mostly known by younger people who use the internet, but this is a fairly typical movie about teens being haunted by something menacing. (If you want to learn know more about the near-murder, check out the HBO doc Beware the Slenderman.)s

Screen Gems was originally going to release this later in August, but they took a big chance by switching it with the Sundance sensation Searching (one of my faves from the festival) to give this a bigger push earlier in the month. Unfortunately, it’s also going up against a much stronger (or equally strong) draw for young people in The Meg, so genre fans will certainly be torn with this one drawing the teen girls and that one getting older males.

This stars Joey King, who also appeared in last year’s high concept horror flick Wish Upon, which opened with just $5.5 million and grossed $14.3 million, one of the last ditch efforts by Broad Green to have a hit.

In any other weekend, this would probably be good for a $20 million opening, but opening in just 2,000 theaters with less of a push and no big name stars to sell it (sorry, Joey!), this one will be lucky to make $15 million this weekend and might end up somewhere below that. This will definitely be more of a one-weekend wonder than some of the summer’s other films so expect large drops in the coming weeks.

Mini-Review: If ever there was a movie that would make you miss Wes Craven, this attempt at furthering an urban legend might be it, as you wonder what he might have done with the premise of a boogeyman that has kids performing rituals to find out if he’s real or not.

In this case, it’s four high school friends who hear of boys trying to call forth the Slender Man, so they follow suit, knowing of his infamy for kidnapping kids and/or killing them and/or driving them crazy. Sure enough, the next day, one of them disappears, so they have to figure out a way to get her back.

Obviously, Slender Man uses a similar model as Ouija or the awful Truth or Dare from earlier in the year where a bunch of dumb teenagers decide to do the one thing they’re not supposed to do, killing them off one by one. The only thing that makes Slender Man even slightly novel is that the character has already become a viral meme on the internet from teens who have created artwork and fake videos of the character (many of which are used for the movie).

The movie is almost as predictable as The Meg in that it’s fairly obvious where things are going at least until the end, and at least none of the young female actors get annoying, as often can be the case. There are also not many grown-up actors to muck up the story that’s clearly geared towards teen girls, but the lack of real tension or scares does hurt the movie overall.

To Sylvain White’s credit, this isn’t a horrible movie, a lot of that to do with the film’s strong genre visuals and an ambient score that keeps one on edge, and the actual Slender Man, while not particularly scary, also isn’t as bad as some of the twisted CG creatures from other horror films.

I guess the best that can be said about Slender Man is that it could have been a lot, lot worse.

Rating: 6/10

BLACKKKLANSMAN (Focus Features)

Spike Lee is back with another racially-charged and potentially controversial political film, but also his first real-life story in ten years since Miracle at St. Anna but also his best reviewed theatrically-released narrative film in 20 years. (How’s THAT for a variance factor?) Based on the true story of Ron Stallworth, a black Colorado Springs policeman who managed to infiltrated the KKK in order to stop their radical plans.

BlacKkKlansman premiered at the Cannes Film Festival in May to rave reviews (and a prestigious award being mentioned in the ads) and the raves have continued with more recent reviews that are still at 97% on Rotten Tomatoes, and this is a rare case where reviews will matter and make a difference at getting people into theaters.

This is the highest profile role for Denzel Washington’s son John David Washington, who also appeared in the Sundance film Monsters and Men and in RZA’s Love Beats Rhymes last year, but the biggest name is likely to be Adam Driver, best known as Kylo Ren from the recent Star Wars movies. It also stars Laura Harrier from last year’s Spider-Man: Homecoming and Topher Grace in the unenviable role of KKK grandmaster David Duke.

Lee’s last few movies haven’t done great with his controversial Old Boy remake starring Samuel L. Jackson making even less than his independently-produced musical Chi-Raq, both making less than $3 million domestically. What makes this somewhat different is that white critics are getting behind it as much as black critics, which should bring in a nice mix of the arthouse crowd and the African Americans who have been waiting for Spike Lee to return to the greatness of earlier films Do the Right Thing and Jungle Fever.

BlacKkKlansman seems likely to be the breakout movie of the weekend, although opening in just 1,630 theaters might limit its potential opening to closer to $7 or 8 million rather than giving the two movies above a run for the Top 3. Even so, expect word-of-mouth to continue to drive this to a domestic gross of somewhere in the high-$20 mil, low-$30 mil range, which would make it Spike Lee’s biggest hit since Inside Manwith Denzel Washington.

Mini-Review: Spike Lee has finally found a vehicle that plays up to his strengths, while also returning him to the realm of both Malcolm X and earlier films like Do the Right Thing. It’s a film that allows him to explore race relations in this country through the eyes of the real-life Ron Stallworth, the first black cop in the suburban Colorado Springs who decides to go undercover infiltrating the local KKK branch in the early ‘70s.

Ron Stallworth’s story is a solid one, and it’s told in a way that for the most part is lighter than one might expect, because it is hard to believe what Stall worth gets away with. More than anything, BlacKkKlansman is just a great vehicle for the younger John David Washington, who delivers a similarly-rounded performance as Lakeith Stanfield does in the recent Sorry to Bother You, and Adam Driver is great as always as his white partner who does the dirty work

One of the nicer surprises is Laura Spurrier as a local college activist who Ron befriends but has to keep out of the loop about him being an undercover cop. (Cops are very much the enemy to her and her African-American college friends.)

The KKK members are deliberately played so over-the-top as the villains of the piece to make sure there’s no grey area about that matter, but Topher Grace does a decent job playing the unenviable role of David Duke.

By the last act, the movie starts feeling like it’s going on for too long with the last act dragged out by cutting between the KKK watching Birth of a Nationand the great Harry Belafonte giving an impassioned speech about the treatment of blacks in the past. It’s a really shocking and effective juxtaposition that works but also takes away from the movie’s previous tone up until that point.

As effective as this scene might be, it’s also unnecessary as we already understand the seriousness of what Stallworth has achieved, and the extended epilogue showing footage from the Charlottesville protest last year hammers things home in a way that just seems like Spike Lee being Spike Lee. We get it, Spike. There are still race problems in this country. That said, BlacKkKlansman is Spike Lee’s best film in a very long time, one that should continue the narrative that began with producer Jordan Peele’s film Get Out last year, even if it does so in not nearly as clever a way.

Rating: 7.5/10

DOG DAYS (LD Entertainment)

The odd dog out this weekend is this independent family film being distributed by LD Entertainment, Mickey Liddell’s production company that has turned into a full-blown film studio and distributor in recent years, though it hasn’t exactly made many waves in that realm. Its last theatrical release was April’s The Miracle Season with Helen Hunt, which only grossed $10.2 million domestic after an opening below $4 million, but maybe that’s good for a low-budget inspirational sports drama. LD has produced other movies that have fared better when released by other studios like Bleecker Street (Megan Leavey), Roadside Attractions (Forever My Girl) and others.

This anthology film about people’s relationship with their dogs is hoping to bring in families with younger kids that like dogs but also women, and a definite plus is that it’s directed by Ken Marino, former member of The State and David Wain collaborator whose last movie How to be a Latin Lover, a Pantelion release starring Eugenio Derbez, grossed $32.7 million last year. The ensemble cast includes Nina Dobrev and Vanessa Hudgens, who have built a fanbase from their television roles on The Vampire Diaries and High School Musical respectively, as well as Finn Wolfhard from Stranger Things. They’re joined by Eva Longoria, Rob Corddry and Thomas Lennon, which is a decent cast but not one that offers much of a draw over the cute dogs.

Last year’s Megan Leavey might be the best comparison for Dog Days, as that also involved a dog (and no, I’m not talking about Kate Mara…rimshot) and that opened with around $3.8 million in just under 2000 theaters.

I wasn’t invited to see an advanced screening of this before writing this column, so I’ll just have to assume that reviews will be pretty good – NOPE!-- though it’s hard to think there’s much awareness for this movie. (In fact, I didn’t even realize the movie opened on Wednesday since that seemed like a last-minute decision. Expect an opening in the $4 to 5 million range at best, which should be enough to break into the bottom of the top 10, but it could end up being shut out and forgotten with stronger family releases already in theaters including last week’s Christopher Robin.

This week’s top 10 should look something like this…

1. The Meg (Warner Bros.) - $22.5 million N/A 2. Mission: Impossible – Fallout (Paramount) - $20 million -43% 3. Christopher Robin (Disney) - $15.5 million -38% 4. Slender Man (Screen Gems) - $13.5 million N/A 5. BlacKkKlansman (Focus Features) - $10 million N/A 6. The Spy Who Dumped Me (Lionsgate) - $6.3 million -48% 7. Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation (Sony Pictures Animation) - $5.6 million -30% 8. Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again (Universal) - $5 million -45% 9. Dog Days (LD Entertainment) - $4.8 million N/A 10. The Equalizer 2 (Sony) - $4.5 million -48%

LIMITED RELEASES

This weekend has a ridiculous amount of specialty releases, but the summer of high-profile Sundance premieres continues with the New York release of Josephine Decker’s amazing indie film Madeline’s Madeline (Oscilloscope), introducing break-out star Helena Howard as the title character, who got the leading role in a theater piece being staged by a director (Molly Parker) who seems to want to revolve the piece around Madeline’s life including her dysfunctional relationship with her mother (Miranda July). This is a fascinating film that definitely veers into the art film world of July’s own films like You and Me and Everyone We Know, but it has a quirky charm that keeps you invested throughout.

Opening in select theaters after a month-long run on DirecTV is Jean-Stéphane Sauvaire’s A Prayer Before Dawn (A24) starring Peaky Blinders’ Joe Cole as an American kickboxer who ends up in a Thai prison after being busted for drugs. Once there, he needs to take on the savage environment while dealing with his own drug addiction, eventually getting back into kickboxing as a way to clean himself up and change his situation. I ended up enjoying this movie more than I thought I would

Another Sundance premiere that got a lot of buzz was Skate Kitchen (Magnolia), the new film from The Wolfpack director Crystal Moselle, this one a narrative film featuring the young women of Skate Kitchen, a Lower East Side skater crew who are joined by Camille (Rachelle Vinberg), a girl from Long Island whose mother (Elizabeth Rodriguez) doesn’t approve of her pastime. Also starring Jaden Smith, Moselle’s film is an interesting mix of established actors and non-actors, although I wasn’t really into the seemingly non-scripted format, very similar to another Sundance movie coming out next week. I guess I wish there was more of a narrative rather than the young women talking about personal issues, but maybe that’s just me. It opens at the IFC Center in New York Friday (with Moselle and the Skate Kitchen in person) then expands to other cities next week.

Fresh off its premiere at the Sundance Film Festival’s Midnight section is RKSS’s Summer of 84 (Gunpowder and Sky) involving a group of 15-year-olds who think that a police officer in their neighborhood might actually be a serial killer, so they start their own investigation.

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Fresh from its debut at the New York Asian Film Festival and the Phillippines is Erik Matti’s BuyBust (Well GO USA), a police thriller starring Anne Curtis as anti-narcotics special operative Nina Manigan, who is trying to take down the drug cartels of Manila, while also facing dirty cops and bloodthirsty citizens. It opens in select cities this weekend.

Well GO is also opening Huang Bo’s Chinese dramedy The Island about a meteorite bound for earth that doesn’t have much effect on the life of Ma Jin (played by Huang himself) who daydreams of winning the lottery and having a romance with his colleague Shanshan (Qi Shu), but when the event happens, he ends up shipwrecked on an island with some of the coworkers and the winning lottery ticket.

(Continuing where I left off….)

Mia Rose Frampton stars in Jack C. Newell’s teen drama Hope Springs Eternal (Samuel Goldwyn) as Hope, a girl dying of cancer whose condition has increased her popularity, but when she discovers she’s cured, how will all her new friends react? I haven’t seen the movie, but boy, am I able to relate to this as a cancer survivor myself. This will be on VOD and in select theaters.

Gravitas Ventures offers two new genre films this weekend, the apocalyptic thriller What Still Remains (with Strike the Sun Entertainment) from first-time director Josh Mendoza, which will hit VOD on August 14, and Along Came the Devil (Gravitas Ventures), a supernatural thriller directed by Jason DeVan (Mindless) and starring Jessica Barth from Happy Death Day and more. The latter about a teen girl who tries to contact the spirit world will be available On Demand at the same time as its theatrical release.

You can check out the trailers for each below:

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Also opening at the IFC Center is Elizabeth Harvest (IFC Films), the new film from Sebastian Gutierez (aka Carla Gugino’s partner), this one starring Australian supermodel Abbey Lee as the title character who arrives at the estate of her scientist husband Henry (Ciaran Hinds), but is treated poorly by the staff (Gugino and Matthew Beard) and told that’s she’s forbidden from a locked room, which of course, she investigates as soon as Henry goes away.

I haven’t seen it, but I imagine the best thing going for Nick Fituri Scown’s directorial debut Pretty Bad Actress (MVD Entertainment Group) is that it stars the comedic great Jillian Bell (22 Jump Street, Rough Night), but it’s loosely based on the story of Theresa Saldana who was almost killed by a stalker but who starred in the TV-movie about her own ordeal. This one stars Heather McComb as former child star Gloria Green who has a similar experience. It will open at L.A.’s Arena Cinemalounge and be on Digital Friday.

From Bollywood comes Vishwaroop 2(Reliance Entertainment), directed and starring Kamal Haasan, and also out in New York at the Village East is the Icelandic film The Swan (Synergetic) from Ása Helga Hjörleifsdóttir, which will open in L.A. at the Laemmle Royal on August 17. The latter is a drama based on Guðbergur Bergsson’s coming-of-age novel about a 9-year-old girl who goes to visit her relatives in the country where she befriends a farmhand.

Let’s get to some repertory programming in NYC, which is specifically for those who live in New York… or don’t mind travelling.

We’ll start off with the Metrograph who are presenting the first North American retrospective for Anime filmmaker Makoto Shinkai, whose film Your Name. was a blockbuster hit in Japan and breakout hit over here – it even made my Top 3 last year, so I know I’ll try to catch some of his other films. The Metrograph also offers a Rialto Pictures’ restoration of former army cameraman Pierre Schoendoerffer’s 1965 war film The 317thPlatoon, starring Jacques Perrin and others, the story of the occupying French army caught in the difficult politics of the Indochina War. The IFC Center will debut a new 25thanniversary restoration of Martin Scorsese’s The Age of Innocence, starring Daniel Day Lewis, while the Quadpresents a 40thAnniversary restoration of Diane Kurys’ French coming-of-age film Peppermint Soda.

Lastly, Netflix presents the original comedy film The Package about a group of teens who need to put a friend back together after an unfortunate spring break accident… you can probably guess from the title or the image on the Netflix site what body part the friend loses.

#Movies Reviews TheMeg SlenderMan Blackkklansman DogDays BoxOffice TheWeekendWarrior WhatToWatchThisWeekend

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esseastri · 6 years

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Megan Reads Oathbringer (part 2)

Onwards and onwards, my friends

Part two encompasses pages 90-144 (previous parts)

Alyx: How did you STOP??? And go to slEEP??? Me: Well, I hit a Shallan chapter, so it actually wasn’t that hard...

Here we go

I’m actually hoping that this book will maybe?? make me like Shallan more?? again? I mean. I’ve had a lot of time to ruminate on the reasons I dislike her, but maybe she’ll get better. maybe she’ll grow. Maybe she’ll realize she‘s been a prejudiced berk and recognize her privilege and I WON’T have to write that essay on why it bothers me when people in fandom pedestal her.

ANYWAY HERE WE GO

I realize the epigraphs are, like...some dude who wrote a book in-universe about the sword, but I can’t help reading it as Brandon talking about this book, in a meta kind of way.

“You can hate me. I understand.” NOOOOOO I WANNA HUG HIM LET ME HUG THIS HUMMING, INCORPOREAL SPREN BOY

BRIGHTLORD BROODING-EYES

PLS CHILD

Me: WTH THEY KNOW SHE’S A LIGHTWEAVER???? WHY IS SHE CALLING HERSELF AN ELSECALL--oh. oh, that makes sense.

Just read the next sentence, Megan, usually, stuff works out.

okay, here’s the thing. We know the Recreance happened. We know the Radiants all gave up their Shards and killed their spren and it’s called the betrayal of humankind, but I’m just curious... if...how do I word this. If the Desolations are connected to there being Radiants around--if the two things are causal and reactionary--then...wouldn’t the Recreance have been a good thing? A thing to stop the Desolations?

I’m just curious how much of their history is revisionist or, you know, lies. Or misinterpretations, at the very least. A lot of their records got wiped out. Repeatedly. I’m just wondering if the record of the Radiants being the good guys was one of those.

Shallan: “It is quite possible to remain properly feminine while fulfilling my duties as a night.” Scout lady: butbutbut...I wanna be butch

Renarin still wearing his Bridge Four uniform makes me haaappyyyyy

THE BOY IS GOOD

“If anyone would be able to go about intimidating forces of nature, it would be you.” I mean. He outdaded the Stormfather by doing exactly this, so.

Radiants working together to do cool things!!!!! AAHH!!!!

I’m genuinely concerned by who we’re going to appoint OUR champion, when Odium’s arrives and we have to do one-on-one combat with it. ‘Cause like....you know Dalinar wants to do that himself. But Adolin is the Dueling Boy. That’s what he does?? And I’m... CONCERN

ooooooooh has Renarin seen the bad champion? nine-shadows man? he seems familiar with the concept at least...

PHEW the Aimian Oathgate was destroyed. Listen, it’s not that I don’t want Aimia to be protected or helped, I just. Don’t. want. 2000-cremlings-in-a-trench-coat just...hanging around.

oh no

oooohhhh noooooo

another?? murder?

I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR MURDER MYSTERY PLOT IN MY EPIC FANTASY

ADOLIN HOLDING SHALLAN’S HAND IS A LOT I’M HERE FOR IT THE MUTUAL COMFORT IS A GOOD

but also: Adolin. my boy. please, it’ll be okay. you will be okay.

“This has to be the same killer” DOES IT THOUGH? What possible reason would Adolin have for continuing a murderspree.

I’m

this is. what, framing? Trying to make it seem like Adolin is doing more bad? Copycat trying to pin their crimes on whoever got Sadeas so it’s rolling into one investigation instead of kept separate?

I’M CONCERN

ABOUT

MY BOY

“She had forgotten he was with them.” Full offense, but how do you just. forget. Renarin exists. Shallan, please.

NO I DON’T WANT THIS

I DON’T

HOW DID I PREDICT THIS I WROTE THIS BECAUSE IT WAS SAD NOT BECAUSE I WANTED IT I DON”T WANT THIS

“You want me...to investigate Sadeas’ murder?” I WANT TO HUG ADOLIN A LOT

I DON’T

DALINAR TRUSTS HIM SO MUCH SO SO MUCH AND I’M

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Renarin knows, doesn’t he? He can see the lie...

I’M

Kaladin is smiling and I’m emotional about it.

Kaladin is chuckling and I’m EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT.

The Sylblade!!!! I love it

I also really love the idea of him using the sword as a symbol and then suDDENLY getting into a fight and like...as he swings the sword it turns into a spear. I want this in my life very much.

why would the stormforms steal grain though?

I mean, I get that they need to eat, but like... they’ve been deliberately NOT attacking any of the towns and when the did “attack” it was just to steal grain. Not to hurt people.

tHIS is exactly why I ain’t calling them Voidbringers. Not yet. These are just stormform. Something much worse is coming.

That black sphere is too ominous.

“She must be desperate living out here. I mean, look at you. Hair that hasn’t been combed since you flew across the continent, uniform stained with crem, and that beard.” I REALLY LOVE SYL BUT ALSO: SCRUFFY KALADIN IS HOT AND YOU CAN PRY SCRUFFY KALADIN FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS.

SYL PLEASE

oh no, Syl, don’t ship Shalladin, we all know that’s a bad idea on sooo many levels.

“Yes, well, let’s have somone swing around the corpse of your sisters by the feet, and we’ll see whether you consider it a ‘mark of bad character’ or not.” AAAHHHHHHH OWW

I’m still SO MAD THAT BRANDON KILLED OFF SUREBLOOD. WHAT DID THE BIG ROCK HORSE EVER DO TO YOU, BRANDON

Let Adolin be happy 2k17!

AAHH THE BROS

I LOVE THE BROS IT’S SUCH A POSITIVE SIBLING RELATIONSHIP THEY’RES SO SUPPORTIVE OF EACH OTHER AND SO REASSURING AND AAAHH

I love them

eeyyyyyyyy, Glysblade! EEEYYY REGROWTH!!!!!

YOU GOT THIS, REN, AAHHH

eeyy, punk!Dalinar

omg

he got his Plate by.......kicking. a guy. off a cliff. I’m. DALINAR, PLS.

I MEAN WHEN YOUR GENERAL STRATEGY IS “MORE BRUTALITY SO THAT PEOPLE FALL IN LINE BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT TO GET PILLAGED” YOU GOT PROBLEMS

no wonder the Alethi aren’t very united. rule by fear is never very successful in the long run.

also, Sadeas can fuck right the hell off oh my god

Admiral Akbar voice: It’s a trap!

oh, hey, I was right

honestly, how the heck did Dalinar survive his wild and misspent youth?

This asshole they’re fighting diDN’T TELL HIS CITIZENS HE WAS GOING TO DROP A CANYON WALL ON THEM?? ?DIDN”T EVACUATE THEM??? WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT KIND OF RULER

WHAT A FUCK

AAHH THE ARCHER GUY HE RECRUITED IN THE FIRST FALSHBACK IS TELEB!!!! I’M!!!! EMOTIONAL!!!!!!

“He wouldn’t put it past them to attack him once he was distracted with the duel. It was what he himself would have done.” PUNK!DALINAR WAS KINDA OF A JERK OMG???

he didn’t... murder the small child

did he?

what the fuck

Dalinar. what the.

fuck

I’m mad at Dalinar. I’m really mad at him. oh my god. just. THAT’S A BAD YOU DID A BAD AND I REALIZE THAT HE HAD DONE BAD STUFF BUT LIKE. THE KID WAS VERY SMALL, DALINAR. AND I’M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

I’m telling you guys, stormform isn’t the final evolution. You gotta level up your parshman to Voidbringer, okay? and to do that, you need to lose x-number of battles with wild voidspren.

I never even played Pokemon, but I sure do know how to make a reference.

The constant theme in this book--at least in Kaladin and Dalinar’s chapters so far--has been “Do better/Be better” and I just...they’re both so good already, in the present, they’re both such genuinely Good human beings, and I just. That they want to be better is just. so. inspiring.

Theylenah has a queen and I have literally just met her and I love her.

I love hheeerrrrr

swearing and being direct and writing things bigger and underlining them to get he tone across, WHAT A DELIGHT I LOVE HER

THEY STOLE THE SHIPS??? whyyyyy

what are they doing where are they going what is the plan here

poor Dalinar. having to do politics.

Elhokar is being a dramatic baby.

Like, he sort of has the right to it, but also: buddy. my dude. my guy. you gotta grow up. I’m sorry. But you really do.

HIGH KING DALINAR THE MAGNIFICENT

I...listen, this is probs a good thing? because Dalinar should be in charge. But also... kiidddooooooo.

OH SNAP This is actually not a bad idea...send Elhokar to go do something useful for his actual kingdom in his actual home... and get a bonus Oathgate out of the deal? This is actually a really sound idea.

tho what radiant r u sending with him

or will we finally admit that he is a radiant.

come ooonnnnn

“Aesudan is there; if the rioting is still happening, she’s fighting against it.” IS SHE THOUGH? ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE SHE’S NOT THE CAUSE??

omg.

Elhokar requesting Kaladin like “he can save the city after I fail” BBY 1. you will not fail!! 2. god, that hero crush. pls.

SEE, just give him purpose and the opportunity to prove himself and he’s actually a very eager puppy of a king.

NOOOOO

NO NO NO NONOOOO OO

THAT ‘S THE WORST IDEA

DON’T BRING HIM HERE

HE’S EEVIIILLLL

NOOOOOO

NOT TARAVANGIAN

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

NO NO

less stuff needs to be happening. this was only, like, 50 pages, and I’ve got enough liveblog to post this?? there IS SO MUCH GOING ON IN THIS BOOK OH MY GOSH I LOVE IT

#op #Megan reads OB #Oathbringer spoilers #ladyknightliveblogs #there is SO MUCH #and I am SO EMOTIONAL #and GAAAAAHHHHH #Oathbringer #Stormlight Archive #Brandon Sanderson

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