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birbleafs · 3 years

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[fic] A Tragicomedy In Five Acts

Series: Saiki Kusuo no Ψ-nan || The Disastrous Life of Saiki K. Rating: T Genre: Friendship, Humour, Breaking the Fourth Wall Character(s): Akechi Touma, Saiki Kusuo, Saiki Kurumi, Saiki Kuniharu, Saiki Kuusuke Warnings: None, save for the canon-typical shenanigans Summary: Akechi has made a habit of showing up unannounced, uninvited at the Saiki residence. The inevitable "bonding" occurs and Kusuo despairs; the world continues to turn. A/N: A piece I wrote for the Disastrous Life Zine, a charity zine. I wanted to share the uncut version here since I like how it reads more (it's not too different from zine version, though). Leftover sales are currently still live, so here's your last chance to grab some limited items if you had missed the pre-orders earlier! Thanks to the mods & other contributors over at @disastrouslifezine, for all their hard work on this project. Many thanks also to my bro Digi for the awesome beta work and for always being an all-round great pal ❤ Fic can also be read AO3. _______ i. It’s a problem Saiki Kusuo should have—could have—nipped earlier in the bud, when he’d been forced to spend a whole Sunday with Akechi Touma betting on horse-racing. But between Akechi being (begrudgingly) accepted as one of the PK Psychickers to Kusuo having to stop a meteor from slamming into the planet—well, a lot had happened. Akechi had since taken to visiting the Saiki residence at random, with little notice in advance. On his second visit, Mom had invited him in before Kusuo could intervene. If it weren’t for the cupcakes Akechi had brought along—not to mention the terrifying heat of Mom’s demonic glare at the first sign of a protest—Kusuo would have teleported him miles away without hesitation. That’s how Kusuo finds himself now—glowering at Akechi who’s sitting politely in his room and firing a running commentary about nothing and too many things all at once. Resigned, he leans back into his study chair and asks, point-blank: What do you want, Akechi?

“Your mother is lovely as always,” Akechi replies instead, dancing around the question. “I’m grateful she’s gone from remembering me as ‘Pee Boy’ to ‘Kusuo’s Friend Who Only Ever Wets His Pants Occasionally’. Surely that’s a sign we have gotten closer.” It sounds just as terrible as the first—only a simpleton would be okay with that as a defining trait, Kusuo retorts. In any case, we’re hardly more than classmates. So, why are you here again? “I thought you would have realized it by now with your telepathy. But I suppose I can explain it for the sake of the readers!” Akechi beams, holding up a small case in his hand. Don’t just casually break the fourth wall, Kusuo frowns, even as he leans forward for a closer look. Akechi pops the case open and turns towards the game console. “I was recently gifted this game by my cousin, who assured me that, while underrated, it’s still a cult hit among fans. I thought it would be fun to play it together.” Kusuo stares flatly at the title OVERWORKED displayed on the disc as it slides into the console drive, already unimpressed. That is such a blatant rip-off. “Oh, no, it's a completely different game from the one you’re thinking of!” Akechi says. “Here you play as the overworked waiter of a cafe who serves multiple orders at once and takes over the cooking whenever the head chef throws a tantrum and storms right off.” How is that different from OVERC***ED? It is totally OVERC***ED! “Regardless, shall we have a play-off?” Akechi offers the controller to him. “Winner gets this box of cupcakes. I got them from the best pâtisserie in town, which is no easy feat. Why just this morning I left home at the crack of dawn to secure a spot in the queue, and even then, there were already about 30-odd people ahead of me! Who knew it was so popular—A-ah!” Kusuo yanks the controller easily from Akechi’s hand towards him with telekinesis, a glint of determination in his eyes now. Best two out of three levels. Loser also has to leave immediately. Akechi grins knowingly and cracks his knuckles, reaching for the second controller. “You’re quick to assume victory, Kusuo-kun. Very well, then!” Thirty-seven minutes later and Kusuo’s left staring at the final scores, appalled. He would have won if his character hadn’t kept freezing in place and glitching at crucial moments, messing up in the kitchens and sending out wrong orders. How is he always losing to Akechi like this? Clearly the universe is still conspiring against him. “You were so close to beefing my lask score dhoo,” Akechi says shamelessly through a mouthful of strawberry frosting. “And my, deez fupfakes are s’per dhasty!” Are you taunting me now? Kusuo scowls enviously at the cupcake in Akechi’s hand before he huffs, slinking back into his chair. Well, I’ll be staring dejectedly out my window for a bit, so feel free to eat your cupcakes and then leave. But Akechi only laughs then and, to Kusuo’s surprise, moves to place a chocolate cupcake before him. “You’re so melodramatic, Kusuo-kun. I never said the winner can’t share.” ... I guess you didn’t. They spend the rest of the afternoon eating cupcakes. _______ ii. This again? It’s been a month, but Kusuo already feels a sense of gloom settling over him when Akechi steps into the genkan. He would have been fine with leaving Akechi outside blathering away through closed doors for the entire day while he pretended not to be home, but obviously Mom is having none of that. “I’m so glad you’ve been coming over to play with Ku-chan!” she greets cheerfully. “I couldn’t believe it when I first heard, but you and Kusuo are getting along well, huh, Akechi-kun!” Dad says with a sagely nod, looking every bit the part of the morally upright, reliable father. Bold of you to believe such delusional notions of camaraderie, or that you even look the part of an admirable adult, Kusuo comments drily, before turning to leave. “We don’t just get along,” Akechi chimes in reply. “You could even say our friendship is super-califragilisticexpialidocious!” GET OUT. If looks could kill, Kusuo’s current expression is pure genocide. But his parents are already fawning and AH-HYUU-!!-ing at Akechi’s words, tears of joy gushing down their cheeks like an endless waterfall. Kusuo watches in quiet despair as Akechi is readily accepted into their fold with welcomed embraces, a key development in this romantic soap opera. Oi, what’s with the misleading narrative?! We’re not in that kind of fanfic right now! Dad and Akechi hit it off well enough, one thing leads to another, and Kusuo suddenly finds himself roped into playing MECH-O ARENA VR on the WAB station in Dad’s study. Seriously, stop it with the terrible rip-offs of actual games already, Kusuo frowns as he watches Dad’s and Akechi’s characters flitting about on the screen to fight off an incoming attack. “I suppose it’s not very original, is it?” Akechi says, punching the controller buttons in a flurry of movements. “But it’s different enough that we can probably avoid any unwanted copyright lawsuits.” That’s completely beside the point. Dad’s wholly immersed with the game now, so it’s impossible for Kusuo to get rid of Akechi without Dad throwing a childish fuss about losing his new gaming buddy. Not to mention Mom’s uncanny ability to appear with coffee and snacks each time Kusuo had tried to inconspicuously retreat back into his room, all while exuding an ominous aura that effectively dissuaded his need to leave immediately. Good grief—everyone’s being such a pain today, Kusuo sighs, before he finally relents to Mom’s cajoling to team up with her against Dad and Akechi in the final round. He figures it can’t get worse than this anyway. That is, until Kuusuke gets involved. _______ iii. When Kusuo returns home from a quick grocery trip for Mom, he walks into a surprisingly empty living room. He can hear Dad and Kuusuke’s voices from upstairs but for some reason he’s not quite able to perceive the atmosphere within—it’s as if his senses are partially blocked by a cognitive fog with the study engulfed in a dead zone. Must be that prototype “router” Kuusuke had installed in Dad’s study yesterday. Kusuo has zero interest in his brother’s tiresome antics, but is compelled nonetheless to check on them, if only to ensure Kuusuke isn’t playing Mad Scientist and coaxing Dad into yet another deranged human project. He opens the door, nearly lashes out in shock with telekinesis when he sees Akechi staring through the doorway with a creepy, owlish expression. “Oh, were you actually surprised, Kusuo-kun?” Akechi says. “My apologies for frightening you like that.” Kusuo studies the room cautiously, only to realize he’s unable to hear anyone’s thoughts with telepathy. He glares at his brother in suspicion. “Welcome back, little brother!” Kuusuke greets him with a Cheshire grin. “I see you’ve got yourself a new playmate. Hmm? Ah, you must think it strange that I've taken to Akechi-kun so readily.” Strange and highly dubious, Kusuo counters. What are you scheming? “Well, Akechi-kun shows the most potential and capacity for mental growth amongst the lesser primates close to you—” What a disparaging worldview. And stop deflecting! I know you can still understand me. “—So, he may yet make a good test subj—Ah, I mean, a good friend! Interesting specimens tend to gravitate towards you, after all. Though his propensity for peeing sure is troubling, isn’t it? Haha!” You can excuse questionable human experimentations, but you draw the line at incontinence? Kuusuke attempts a nonchalant shrug. “Priorities, amirite?” “But this is amazing, Kuusuke-san,” Akechi says, glancing up in awe at the blinking device on the ceiling. “The telepathy canceller really does block our thoughts efficiently!” “It’s child's play compared to Kusuo’s abilities,” Kuusuke says, seemingly modest, but Kusuo doesn’t miss the devious glint in his eyes when he reaches into his coat pocket to pull out what looks suspiciously like a detonator with a giant red button. “Still, with this, Operation SM☆SH can now finally commence—” Wait, Operation what?? Kuusuke, don’t you dare...! But Kuusuke is already pressing the button, and the study is plunged into darkness as the lights flicker off and the blinds draw shut. Alarmed, Kusuo wrenches the detonator away from Kuusuke’s grip with his telekinesis. What did you just do?! There’s an electronic whirr, a blinding flash, and Kusuo finds himself suddenly staring at a large LCD screen as it emerges from the ceiling. Music blares from overhead speakers as a cinematic opening sequence begins to play. “There you are, Kusuo!” Dad looks up from behind the coffee table where he’d been fiddling with the game console. He adjusts the VR headset over his eyes. “It’s time to finally beat you at SUPER SM☆SH BUDS as payback for last time! HII-YAAAH!!” ... Oh. So it’s just another game. “That’s right!” Kuusuke claps his hands together, blissfully ignoring the heat of Kusuo’s baleful glare. “I heard about your horse-racing bet from Akechi-kun and found this as the best way to even the odds for other types of games.” “The idea came to me while peeing in the shower; to find ways you could play and not get bored easily, Kusuo-kun,” Akechi adds in unnecessary detail. “But I didn’t think Kuusuke-san could actually pull it off.” “Here, Kusuo,” Dad says, waving his controller. “Come choose your character—” But Kusuo’s already teleporting away, fleeing the wretched upheaval within his own home to hide at Cafe Mami for the rest of the day. _______ iv. Akechi corners him after school three weeks later. Kusuo is surprised and unsurprised all at once; he had worn the germanium ring to class, after all, in a bid to avoid spoilers for the direct-to-streaming release movie adaptation of a book he’d been fond of. It’s easy to ignore everyone’s spoilery chatter when it isn’t droning directly into his mind—he’d kept his fingers stuck into his ears each time class ended, oblivious to the strange looks thrown his way, and had even hidden away in the restroom cubicle during breaks, successfully avoiding any interaction with the usual human nuisances. Until now, that is. “Let’s walk home together, Kusuo-kun!” Akechi calls, jogging after him. I’m suddenly deaf and sound has eluded me, Kusuo deadpans as he breaks into a sprint, determined to leave before Akechi starts blabbing spoilers. “I noticed you weren’t quite yourself today,” Akechi continues, catching up with him. “And I thought it might have something to do with the ring on your left index finger that you’ve fondled precisely seventeen times throughout the day.” What an awful way to describe it. I didn’t fondle anything. “Perhaps the material of that ring works in the same manner as the telepathy canceller—which would explain why you seemed uncharacteristically skittish today since you’re pretty bad at discerning people’s intentions without your telepathy.” What are you? A psychic? But Akechi only persists. “I realized later that you’d always leave whenever anyone started talking about that new movie on Netfl*x—” Can’t hear now, Kusuo slaps his hands over his ears. Gone horribly deaf. “And I figured it must be that you haven’t watched it yet for some reason, like maybe your home internet is down because your father forgot to pay the bills for three whole months and so it got cut—” How did you even..? Kusuo grimaces. N-nope, not listening! 100% deaf! “I know you don’t have a mobile phone to watch it on either,” Akechi continues. “So, that’s why I wanted to invite you to my house today, to watch it together. Oh, don’t worry, I know absolutely nothing about the movie. In fact, I’d only heard Kaidou-kun screaming out the title just ten minutes ago.” Kusuo pauses then, glancing back at Akechi in hesitance. Akechi only meets his wary gaze with a knowing smirk, and says, “We also have strawberry shortcake in the fridge.” _______ v. I don’t suppose there’s a good reason this time either, Kusuo sighs wearily, closing his book. Still, there’s a glimmer in his eyes; he knows Akechi had come bearing gifts—a selection of coffee jellies topped with cherries and chocolate drizzle. “I’ve made a habit of crashing your place unannounced, haven’t I?” Akechi offers a contrite grin, watching as Kusuo helps himself to a spoonful of jelly. “I do apologize, but whenever I get restless, I find myself wandering here by instinct. Admittedly, I was worried about being a bother, but your mother is always so welcoming at the door despite that dreary, constipated look in your eyes—” You are being a bother. Like a persistent mosquito that thinks it's summer all year round, Kusuo grouses with his Most Annoyed Expression, knowing how ineffectual his Feigning Ignorance Face had become over time. Also, have you graduated from pee references to shitty jokes now? Disgusting. But Akechi takes it all in stride, undeterred by Kusuo’s ugly grimace and acerbic jibes. “—Plus, it’d be considered extremely rude if I didn’t come in after that, and I certainly do not want you to think of me as rude. You’re a friend I hold in high regard, after all. I always have, ever since I found out it was you who saved me from the bullies back then.” The earnestness in Akechi’s words stumps him, if only a little. And though Kusuo is careful to keep his surprise from showing, there’s a part deep down in his not-so-granite heart that feels a touch of warmth at the sentiment. Akechi’s already placing the Scrabble board on the floor, so he misses the ghost of a smile that crosses Kusuo’s lips. Did Akechi honestly think he could beat a psychic at Scrabble too? How naive. “You’re probably thinking how naive I must be, believing I could beat you at a board game with your powers and all,” Akechi notes cheerfully, almost as if he’s a mind-reader himself. Kusuo frowns, slightly disgruntled by the fourth-wall breaking once more and wishes they would give it a rest for once. Overusing a trope gets really tiring, you know? Still, he smiles again as he takes a seat across from Akechi—who is now shuffling the Scrabble chips while nattering away about the history of board games and how the loser would have to give up his share of coffee jelly (as if Kusuo would allow it to come to that again). Two Sunday visits per month only, Kusuo says, lifting several chips into the air with a wave of his hand. If you beat me... I’ll allow it. Akechi’s eyes widen, before he breaks into a playful grin. “Very well, then. May the best man win.” Kusuo only lets out a soft laugh. Perhaps it’s not too late to pick up where they had left off in grade school. —End—

#saiki kusuo no psi nan #the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki kusuo #akechi touma #disastrous life zine #fanfic #please check out and support the other contributors' pieces too !

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royallyprincesslilly · 5 years

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Title: Love, Maybe? {13}

Chris Evans X Reader OFC Vixen Giovanni

Warning: Plot, Cursing, Angst,

Word Count: 3.6K

Summary: After a night of drunkenness you wake up next to warm, hot as hell body, a migraine and no memory of the night before. When you come to realize that the hot body belongs to none other than Hollywood’s golden boy Chris Evans you freak out. As events unfold you become even more panicked to find out you got married in your drunken haze. What else is there to do but get it annulled, right? Before walking away, you share one more night of molten kisses and passion. 3 years later you are still living with the repercussions of your brash decisions, but the surprises don’t stop there. The past has a way of coming back and have you questioning is this fate that you’ve been running from, hell could it have been love, maybe?

Note: Italic texts is an inner Vixen thought. Bold Italic texts is an inner Chris thought.

**Slightly Edited/Proofread**

**Partially Interactive**

Thank you guys for reading!!!! If you enjoyed this please LIKE, COMMENT, REBLOG. 😊 ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 13: Lucy You Got Some ‘Splainin To Do

-Vixen-

The hotel suite was dark and quiet; the only sound that could be heard was the soft moans Ella made as she slept. She was exhausted, and it showed in her behavior. You had to deal with hours of tantrums, screaming, shouting and food throwing until she’d tuckered herself out and passed out after her bath. A bath that left you drenched because she kept slapping her hands in the water, creating mini tsunamis all aimed at you. She wasn’t even two yet, and you were getting an excellent taste of your future. Now you sat in the second bedroom on the bed. In front of you was a massive set up of empty ice cream bowls and tens of possible toppings along with several bottles of bourbon.

“So, let me get this straight,” Nexus began before she paused for a few long moments. She took a deep breath and started again. “Almost three years ago we went to Vegas for Kami’s birthday; you disappeared for two days there. We all thought you were so drunk you couldn’t find your ass. Turns out not; instead you’d gotten married to Chris Evans, thee Chris Evans. Then before you can say Mrs. Evans, you get divorced, fuck him one more time just for fuck's sake, come home not breathe a word of it and then have Ella and keep this all a secret?”

You let her cliffs notes sink in. This was the first time you’d ever actually thought about it from a storytelling point of view. This story was bat shit crazy and incredibly unbelievable. You had nothing to say now though, because it was your reality. This was your life. You bit your bottom lip and nodded your head.

“Uh-huh.”

“Holy—Shit, Vixen! Holy fucking, what the fuck, shit!”

You pinched your lips and waited until she was finished. This was a normal reaction you assumed. It had to be right? Your sister finds out you secretly married a celebrity who you then divorced. You then had said celebrity’s secret baby.

“Really, Vix? Oh my god. What the hell!”

“I know, I know, I know; I fucked up. I shouldn’t have disappeared that night,” you began before Nexus cut you off.

“What? Who gives a shit that you disappeared? You lied to me for damn near three years Vix! We don’t lie to each other. We’ve always told each other everything.”

She was right, and you felt like a world-class asshole. You’d always felt guilty about it.

“I know Nex, and I’m sorry. Really I am. I signed this NDA, and I couldn’t talk about it and--,”

“Wait, like an actual NDA. Something mistresses have to sign?”

You rolled your eyes.

“Come on Vix, was I really going to run to the tabloids and sell your story? I’m your sister. That excuse is bullshit!”

You took a deep breath and sighed out. It partially was.

“I couldn’t tell anyone, Nex. I was so embarrassed. I couldn’t breathe a word of this to mom or dad. If they would have found out I married someone without them there then got divorced they would both die of a heart attack on sight. I couldn’t.”

“Wait, Ella. Oh my god.”

Her eyes were wide with shock as it all finally sunk in.

“Vixen. Is he Ella’s father?”

Again, you sighed. With her answer, Nexus leaned back against the headboard and stared out just as stunned as you were.

“I mean I knew it was some white guy, I mean she has blue eyes and damn near blondish hair, and she is much lighter, I figured that was the reason why you hadn’t told me who her father was because you were embarrassed he was white but this—this takes the cake, Vix. Chris Evans?!”

“I know. It’s a lot to take in.”

“I totally understand her name now. Kristella. We all wondered where the hell you got that from.”

You snorted and shook your head.

“It just fit. Once I saw her, it was the only name that fit her,” you defended.

“So, he doesn’t know he has a daughter running around.”

It was not a question. She knew you down to the science; she knew he didn’t know. No doubt she didn’t approve. Your mind went back to just a few hours ago. Magazines, TV, and memories didn’t do him justice. The years had been very kind to him. He looked taller, his shoulders looked more defined and broader, his hair longer and redder, and his beard was much more filled in. He looked so damn good, so masculine, so damn daddyish. You closed your eyes and ran through the encounter again. You almost laughed out loud because you hadn’t been in LA for a month and one of your biggest fears had played out.

“Wow Vix, this is insane.”

“I know.”

The two of you sat quietly for a few minutes longer. Nexus trying to absorb all the information you’d just laid on her and you just obsessing over how damn hot he was and how much your lady parts must have missed him to come alive during the most terrifying moment of your life—next to when you found out you were pregnant.

“What’re you gonna do?”

You snorted because it was a ridiculous question. What did she think you were gonna do? What were your options here? You let a rush of air escape your mouth as you shrugged.

“I mean you have to tell him, right? He has a right to know that Ella is his. Ella has a right to know her father. Right, Vix?”

You didn’t dare speak; shit you couldn’t even think. This was a lot. Your entire world that you’d built—carefully built for the last near three years had crumbled in seconds, and you watched as it did. You needed a second. You gripped your head and closed your eyes.

“Nex, I need a minute. I just need quiet!”

The silence that filled the room next was deafening. You quickly got up and hurried to the bathroom where you paced the marble floor back and forth and again and again until you were dizzy. Then you sat on the sink and clutched your legs to you as your head spun round and round making you even dizzier. You couldn’t think you could barely breathe. You found yourself hyperventilating. You knew it was a panic attack, and that made you panic even more. You hadn’t had a panic attack since finding out you were pregnant with Ella. The door to the bathroom opened and in came Nexus.

“Slow breathes, deep slow and shallow breathes you remember like Lamaze. Breathe with me.”

She began the pattern of breathing you’d done during Lamaze classes and through your labor, and you slowly followed. The first few minutes were torture because as you fought against the panic, it rose even more. The more your mind flashed on Chris’ face and then the tiny near replica of Ella’s it never faded.

“You’re thinking too much. Clear your mind, Vix, think of nothing. An open field, flowers, look at the flowers Vix.”

You looked at her and glared. It as an inside joke between the two of you ever since you’d watched the episode of The Walking Dead where the character Carol told the little girl Lizzie who’d just gotten bit by a zombie to look at the flowers so she wouldn’t see as Carol shot her in the head. The two of you were horrified by the scene but strangely couldn’t stop laughing after it. You were not laughing now.

“Okay, too soon for a laugh maybe,” Nexus added. You rolled your eyes and continued trying to find your center. You learned that most people went their entire lives with panic attacks, and it wasn’t something you outgrew. You were over it.

After almost ten minutes, your breathing returned to somewhat normal and your thoughts were less erratic. Nexus turned off the water in the tub and turned to you.

“You need a bath; it’ll help. Come on.”

She helped you down off the sink and then walked out the door as you stripped and climbed in the steaming hot water. You sighed, closed your eyes, and sunk deeper into the water. A few moments later, you heard Nexus’ footsteps.

“Just what the doctor ordered, a stiff drink.”

You looked and saw she held the bottle of rum out to you. You smiled, seeing the brand of the most potent rum you’d ever had in your life. You took it and quickly took a few gulps. It burned like a son of a bitch, but you didn’t care.

“Yeah, you get some alone time with Wray & Nephew, and I’ll be the sober adult in case Ella wakes up. Take your time.”

That was the last thing you heard before you drowned your sorrows and any coherent thoughts.

~~~~~~~~~~~

-Chris-

“She’s in LA. She’s in LA. She. Is. In. LA!”

He’d barely moved from the makeup chair since “cut” was called for the day. He couldn’t think and move at the same time, so he just sat there and thought about everything. Not only events from the last few hours but years ago. He was so useless after seeing her that when he went back to filming, he forgot or flubbed most his lines, dropped or fumbled props necessary to the scene or flat out zoned out. It was a mess; he was a mess. The director had no choice but to call cut early.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

He shook his head and looked to see Anthony standing there with his arms crossed, waiting for an answer. He took a deep breath in and stood.

“Nothing. Let’s get out of here.”

He walked past him and led the way through the set to the parking area. As he approached his car, he patted himself down, looking for his keys. When he couldn’t find them, he groaned and dropped his head back.

“Missing something?”

Anthony shook his head and nudged it signaling him to come.

“I got you. Come on.”

He walked to the passenger side of Anthony’s fancy McLaren. Anthony revved the engine with a broad smile spread across his face. Once he got inside the car, Anthony sped off not caring about any speed limit. They drove in silence, and Chris was grateful for it. Silence meant he could think and put into some sense what was happening. He never expected to see you again. He hoped he would, but never expected. His mind jumped to the night in the restaurant when he swore he saw you based off a tattoo; he began to think that it was really you. He’d thought time and time again what he would say if he did see you again, and each time he thought about it; his selections were different. Once it was a cool “hey.” Another time it was a cocky “Couldn’t stay away, huh,” several times it was no words at all and just stripping you right then and there, and more times than not it was silence pretty similar to earlier.

“At least I said her name.”

Before he knew it, Anthony turned off the engine in front of his house. He sighed out and rubbed his forehead, not sensing Anthony’s eyes on him. He could feel the headache pounding away behind his eyes and knew he wouldn’t be getting any sleep that night. He groaned loudly and dropped his head back.

“I was going to give this to you as a birthday gift, but it looks like you need it now. So, let’s take it inside, crack it open, and by the time you pour your third glass, you spill what’s got you so stressed,” Anthony proposed.

He sighed again but didn’t protest. He needed a drink.

Once they got inside, they got comfortable on one of the couches in front of the cliff at the back of his house. The view was the selling point, and he was grateful for it on nights his thoughts got the better of him. He quickly downed one glass dark whiskey and then a second just as quickly. He slowly nursed the third, but Anthony didn’t pressure him to speak. He didn’t know why he’d never told him; he was by far closest to him and Seb than any others in this town but he’d kept this part secret. He felt the vibration of his phone in his pocket and took it out to see Lita’s name across the screen. He groaned again and gulped down the rest of the whiskey then poured another.

“Slow down you’ll regret it tomorrow,” Anthony cautioned.

“Shit after what I’ve been through I should know better than to touch alcohol ever again.”

“What does that mean?”

He rubbed his face and then raked his fingers through his hair, leaving it messier than it was. He tried to find the words for several minutes but realized there was no easy way to say it or any gentle way to break it. He snorted and laughed loudly. Anthony looked at him as if he’d lost his mind and he might have finally lost it.

“Is this a white people thing? Y’all laugh out the blue at random shit in your head? If so that’s called schizophrenia.”

He laughed harder and keeled over, trying to catch his breath. Finally, he stopped and took another breath.

“Three years ago in Vegas when we went, remember?”

Anthony nodded.

“Well three years ago I met a woman in the casino, got drunker than I’ve ever been in my entire life and married her; then had the best sex I’ve ever had in my life to come to LA and get Sherman started on a divorce, then we had that same incredible sex again here before she disappeared with the night.” He snorted again and began laughing. “Earlier that woman—.” He couldn’t stop laughing; the humor of this finally hit him. “That woman was the woman I married in Vegas and then divorced,” he finished.

Anthony sprang to his feet.

“What the fuck! You lyin’!”

Chris laughed louder.

“Naw, you lying. What! There’s no way.”

“I swear, hand to God.”

Anthony stood there, gaping at him. He was shocked of course. If Anthony were the one telling him this now, he would be surprised.

“Wow, wow, wow. Man that’s—wow!”

He nodded and downed his fourth glass of whiskey. As he reached for the bottle again, Anthony beat him to it and poured himself another.

“Three years ago? Man, you stayed quiet. You didn’t speak a word about this.”

“I know. I couldn’t believe I’d been so reckless, so stupid, so---,”

“So unpredictable. Well damn, Chris! You who plans almost everything, you who have always had a plan and a list of the woman he wants, you who does not commit, you! You!”

He narrowed his eyes at Anthony getting the undertone of his words.

“I mean; I mean no disrespect, but damn this is a fucking shock.”

“I know.”

Anthony paced in front of him as he thought about everything he’d just heard. Chris sat there with his hands steepled under his bearded chin, and he also thought about things.

“Wait, wait. Rewind go all the way back. You said the best sex? Really? Ever?”

“Ever man. Ev-er!” He enunciated to get his point across.

“You mean ever three years ago right, not ever three years after.”

“I mean ever in my life.”

Anthony looked confused.

“What did she do? Don’t tell me. Wow. I’m still trying to wrap my head around you having a quickie Vegas wedding with a random woman. I mean did she have anything on the list?”

He nodded slowly. Anthony’s eyes bugged.

“What! What did she have besides the beauty? She is gorgeous!”

“She is. She was then, and she’s even more now.”

He felt a tug of something he couldn’t place, but it felt similar to what he imagined regret felt like.

“She was funny, kind, honest, down to earth, smart, spontaneous--,”

“Spontaneous? That wasn’t on the list before,” Anthony interrupted.

“Shit it’s on it now.”

“Wow, and you divorced her? Why?”

It was time for him to look at Anthony like he’d grown two heads. He couldn’t be serious.

“You’re not serious.”

“Of course, I’m serious. If I met a woman who was all of that which is just the tip of the iceberg I’m assuming and gave me the best sex of my life I would not be so quick to change my situation. I would have stretched it a little, saw where things led.”

He had thought about it. When they were sitting in Sherman’s office discussing the divorce, he first thought it when she spoke up that she didn’t want any of his money or compensation for her time. He’d thought of it again at dinner watching her eat her tacos without caring what he thought or if she was cute. Then he thought about it again when he’d rolled on her in his bed and looked down into her beautiful eyes. He had thought about it.

“I wasn’t at the right time in my life. Do you remember me three years ago? I couldn’t spell monogamy or commitment, especially with everything in my career. It would have never worked,” he said.

“Or is that what you tell yourself?”

He scoffed and poured another drink.

“Okay, okay so let’s go through this like the thirty-seven-year-old adult you are. Look at this with those eyes,” Anthony suggested. He groaned because he didn’t want to. He’d avoided looking at things with his eyes.

“Ah, you don’t want to. You’re scared.”

“Scared? No, I am not scared. I’m a grown man; I am not scared.”

Anthony scoffed and shook his head.

“Damn liar! Is she the reason why you’ve literally been passing on every woman I, Scarlett, or Seb set you up with? Is she the reason you have this list? Did you create this list with all of her attributes? Are you looking for her in every woman you’ve met since?”

Damn. This was the reason he didn’t tell him shit. Anthony was good at seeing through people and situations, he was like a damn private investigator and always got down to the bottom of things. Always. He didn’t want him getting to the bottom of his things because that meant he would have to do some serious introspection. He stood up and walked to the edge of the cliff and took a deep breath. He stared out over LA but saw none of it. He was too lost in his head.

“She’s in LA.”

He didn’t know how long he stood there, but he felt Anthony’s hand on his shoulder. He sighed before he spoke again.

“Did you want to see her again?”

“I’ve thought about her a lot. In the last few weeks, I’d started wondering more and more about her.”

“So you want to see her again?”

“Isn’t that weird?”

“No. She’s your ex-wife.”

Anthony laughed and bent over to continue laughing. Chris nodded and laughed along with him.

“Man, I thought the day I found out you got married would be the day you got married.”

“I know.”

“Yo mama gonna kill you!”

Chris snapped his head to look at his friend with a serious and terrified expression on his face.

“Don’t you dare breathe a word.”

Anthony zipped his lips and smiled.

“Okay time for the Mackie Advice of the day. Ready for it?”

He sighed and prepared for what he knew he was going to say.

“Go ahead.”

“Eh-em. Okay. Go find that woman, you know her name, you know she’s in LA, use your power and find that woman.”

He didn’t say anymore, and Chris looked to him surprised that was the end of it.

“That’s it?”

“What was that, more you say? Okay. Find her, tell her you fucked up three years ago. Tell her you’ve been celibate because of her and then marry her again.”

He rolled his eyes and walked back inside the house, ensuring to grab the bottle of whiskey.

“I don’t know why we’re friends,” he said.

“Come on, Chris, what? I didn’t say anything wrong. I didn’t say anything you probably haven’t already thought and anything that’s not true.”

“I have not been celibate.”

“Really?”

Anthony gave him a look that looked similar to those memes he’d seen of Thor with his face scrunched up. He rolled his eyes.

“For the first almost year or so after Vegas yeah you were a real man whore, you got around but discreetly. Then after that, you became harder to get into than the MET GALA unless you had that plate fee,” Anthony pointed out.

“I grew and learned and became selective.”

“Of course, nothing wrong with it, but it’s still true.”

He shook his head because while it wasn’t entirely accurate, it was close.

“I’m gonna get up outta here but think about what I said,” Anthony said as he walked to the door.

“Thanks for the whiskey.”

“Don’t finish it all tonight, she looks like she likes whiskey,” Anthony said before he walked out the front door.

Alone at last Chris looked around his home and he could literally see your ghost floating around mirroring your movements and path from your last night together. He’d followed your ghost around more times than he cared to admit. Tonight, he decided to follow it once more. He walked toward his bedroom behind the cloudy floating image of you. Once inside, he sat in the corner in the chair and watched the movie of the two of you play out again as he sipped the whiskey. He paid close attention to every touch, every kiss, every moan and paused on your smile and the last moment before you disappeared.

He did have regrets, and he wondered if you did too.

TagList:

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#love maybe fic #Chris Evans #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans x reader #Chris Evans X black reader #chris evans x you #chris evans smut #angst fanfic #slow burn fanfic

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reneeswing · 4 years

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The Joy, The Ridicule and The Hope

Let's rewind: what are the top three advices that have been given to us about COVID-19 prevention: wash your hand, observe social distance and take care of each other. Does that ring the bell that we have learnt all three things since we are in elementary school, if we are ever lucky enough to go to one.

So, I am going to make a bold statement here: most of the life-long lessons that we need for going through life, we’ve learnt them way before advanced educations, regardless of differences in culture, race and geographic locations. Yet, the sad truth is we only seem to spend the remainder of our time forgetting all we have learnt and all we need to remember to overcome this conundrum. If I dig a bit deeper, my basic education have equiped me with way more useful knowledge than what business school and law school have ever tought me. To name a few, geography helps me to navigate through the continents without being laughed at, history and literature offer me perspectives to see and comprehend everything ever happened in this time and this world. Law school and business school, on the other hand, slowly coop up people into a disillusion of elite class, distancing them from what’s actually going on in this insanely biased reality. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe every opportunity of education matters, it emancipates and liberates generations; and if anything, I have been blessed with all sort of way of thinking, coming from each stage of my school years. It is the monotonous perception on education that sometimes misinterprets or overly simplifies its true essence.

Do anyone begin to appreciate the down time of this quanrantine yet? I am not saying this to trivialize the dismal impact of the pandemic; because both our economic and social lives have taken a major toll from this crisis. For those who are alone in this quarantine, they are craving for human contact, the touch, the hug, all the more basic need of being a human; whereas for those who have a full house with multiple children at home, the working day never ends as it is combined with home schooling. This makes people finally realize that their job is their ultimate refuge. One of my friends started to refer to her kids as fantastic beasts, since the third week of the lockdown. This is, in my opinion, one of the best metaphors of the year. Now, this is what I hope: when all this is over, we will eventually appreciate more of our teachers and other educational workers. for us, it is only with our own kids, whereas at school, kids are ganged up on them. They are entitled to fairer reward and respect from all walks of the society.

Like others, my emotion has gone through various stages: at first, I was fairly content with what I’ve got here, a cozy home, abundant toilet rolls and sufficient supply of alcoholic grape juice. Then some kind of obsession started to develop, the bad kind is to slowly transform healthy self-reflection into self-condemnation for something I have done wrong 2,3,5 years ago. And the more time I spent on my devices, the higher level of anxiety incubated. Then, later on, I decided to have a rather lengthy conversation with myself, the righteous thing that I have ever done: committing to my own feelings, compelling myself away from judgement. I learnt to acknowledge them, more importantly, I searched for language and specific words to label them in all the more precise way. Through that exercise, I realized although they appear similarly, the emotion of anxiety is very different from that of sadness; and the exhileration that I was feeling is also different from excitement. When I found out I was able to distinguish those various emotions in me, I felt stress level has already half way gone, I could call the truce with myself. So, something good does come out from this period. When we are not able to go out, we should allow ourselves to go within.

There are a lot more silver linings. To my recollection over the past 8 years, I don’t rememer any of the Dutch springs is as beautiful as this one. We’ve had sunny and warm weather throughout the month of April. Everyday, I went onto my balcony, let the light beam through my forehead and inhale the most precious fresh air. It is painful to face it that our continents are receding to isolated islands as all the traffics are shut down, but it is also delightful to find that nature thrives when human society hits the PAUSE button. The blue sky is returned to the birds and their flapping wings; waterways turn purer as no more crazy human running around and emitting pollution into them. Even panda’s resume consummation. For the last 2,3 years, anthropogenic activities have caused large scale bushfires across north and south hemispheres; it happened even in Syberia above the North Pole. Human society is inflicting pains onto the lung of our Mother Earth. Isn’t it an irony that our respiratory system is succumbed to this coronavirus? I couldn’t help but wonder if this pandemic is the nature’s vengeance onto the arrogance of human race? So, here comes my second wish. One day as we come out of this pandemic, our peaceful moments with the nature will stick around a bit longer. Even though I know that humanity is terrible at reckoning with it own sin, I still wish this time, after all we have endured, we will finally learn to return the favour for our Mother Nature’s altruistic love. That we will be more reflective on our own behaviours, the impact that each of us have made onto anything outside of ourselves. You may say I am a dreamer, but I am definitely not and should not be the only one.

......

The world is suffering from its own bipolar disorder. To steer my way clear from the menaces, I rid myself of watching news during the weekends. But one still doesn't make the cut. As for a while, it is the only thing that people couldn't stop talking about: Donald Trump contemplates injecting/ingesting coronavirus patients with disinfectants, until the moment he made the next obnoxious statement. What's even more troubling is there was actually a slight increasing number of ER cases caused by internal administration of chemical solvent. Both New York Times and RB, the producer of Lysol and Dettol, had to make official announcement to talk people out of their desperate craze. One day I woke up and spit out this question: how is it even possibly happening? If B school has ever taught me anything, it is that leadership matters; and I dedicated most of my career contemplating how to be a good (future) leader. But nowadays, we are riding a perfect storm, while sinking down into a chasm called: the scum rises to the top. We are living in a reality that outruns the most ridiculous screenwriting of political drama. Not only have we got Trump assumed the most powerful position in this world, we don't seem capable of appropriating any countermeasures to dampen the damages. Although his strategy is nothing much different from that of a shameless politician: barking up the wrong trees to divert the public's attention further away from criticism against him, the impact however is way too profound to be left alone. He is dividing not only a country, also driving a wedge between friendly countries, when the only hope the world is left with is the hope of solidarity.

The world is in urgent need of an assertive voice with a kind heart and a pair of potent hands. It cannot be done by one person, rather, has to be a collective conscience of all the human societies. The younger generation does not believe in institutions, they embrace anarchistic believes and have little problem of taking things to its extremity; but in the meantime, they are reasonable, way more objective and fairer than they are being judged or even portrayed. They believe in gender equality, inform themselves of cultural intricacy and they gather to rally for animal rights and climate change. For both reasons, their world needs leaders with integrity and convincing voices. In all appropriate times, we need to learn to be a leader for ourselves and for others. It is up to us how we are going to make our next decision, in giving an opinion, in executing right to vote, in influencing people around us and in doing smallest good deeds to hold onto each other. Here's an example. It is no strange thing to know that our doctors and nurses are working under tremendous physical and mental pressures. We've heard multiple cases in Italy and the US that medical staff committed suicide after virus contraction or nervous breakdown. In almost every country, people are finding ways to demonstrate their gratitude to their guardian angels; however news from India reads that doctors and nurses become target of discrimination, demonising them as virus itself. Similar discriminatory stories surface from time to time around the world against people from other countries or communities because of the pandemic. This shows how far off people could be dangerously biased and misled; the absence of a just and empathetic figure in the leadership attributes to and to a great extent severs the alienation. But we all could and should choose to lead. We can never let our guard down, ignoring any appalling ignorance, even with the slightest carelessness. We need to speak up, protect people who are protecting us and the world's most vulnerable's. We need to do it constantly, consistently and often enough. Bear in mind, our decision and undertaking of today will define our tomorrow in common.

......

Alright, enough about the grim prospect and grievance. As far as being a hopeless optimist, I will complement my third wish with a faith in humanity after it all. Yesterday, I watched the season finale of Westworld. As Dolores sank down into her memory, she restated: "Some people choose to see the ugliness in this world. The disarray. I choose to see the beauty". I agree with every bit of those words. I believe the key to the sublime lies in ourselves and our conscience. In the end, true bravery is to love the world and humanity, despite the ugliness that we have seen or experienced.

Before I let you go, I am inviting you to join me in paying tributes to all the essential workers who are risking their lives every day to keep ours running without panics. Next to our lovely doctors and nurses, here's to the infrastructure workers, the train conductors and bus drivers, the supermarkets' staff, the logistics companies, the mailman, (especially my mailman, who brings me my 1,000 packages to fill the huge void in my soul), the journalists and newsmen, who are running all across the countries, strive to bring us brutal facts, inconvenient truths, disarray and hopes. Collectively you've prevented the world from crumpling, after the mess we made. I thank you for that!

Please take care and stay healthy!

Love, R

#stories

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nealcassatiel · 7 years

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Cas in the Bardo II - A further exploration of how The Empty is akin to the Tibetan Buddhist concept of the bardo and what this means for Cas

This meta builds on this post here which is an introduction and overview of the Buddhist concept of the bardos, from a Tibetan Buddhist standpoint. I finished writing that post the night before 13x4 aired and so now I’m going to elaborate on that with regards to this episode. If you would like to have a better grounding of the bardos before reading this then check out that post for more info :)

Introduction

If you want to storm right into this post then here is a quick overview of the bardos. They are greatly discussed in what the West has now called ‘The Tibetan Book of the Dead’. The bardos is the liminal/in-between space you go into after death. Those without training or a spiritual life normally don’t realise they’re even in the bardo before they are rebirthed back into samsara (the wheel of existence comprising of birth, death, rebirth, and so on). The first bardo occurs straight after death, if one does not recognise this clear light and go towards it they are flung into the second bardo.

Here is what I said about the second bardo and SPN before episode 4 aired;

- ‘If the first bardo passes and attempts to access spiritual states were unsuccessful, the next bardo begins. The second bardo or the “bardo of becoming” is a stage in which the desires of the individual are said to carry the largely helpless soul through a great variety of intense emotional states. Good thoughts bring great bliss and pleasure, and hateful or negative thoughts bring great pain and desolation. The soul bounces from thought to thought as a torrent of thoughts and feelings come like a waterfall. Existing thought habits and desires are said to define the experience of the soul during the afterlife in this way. (Again, we see that the bardo is a space for the inner self to manifest around oneself. I think that in SPN, they will use The Empty in a similar way – in that it will be a space where Cas can understand who he is. It will be a mindful, meditative, and self-reflexive space in which he will understand who he is and the life he lead. He will see what is important to him and what he should cling to and what he should leave).

- The greatest problems of the soul in the second bardo are negative emotions like guilt and fear (which results from a lack of familiarity with the inner worlds), and lack of conscious control over its own experience. Fear is particularly harmful because it fragments the self making concentration on one thing difficult or impossible, and this can lead to confusion and loss of conscious control. (I think Cas will certainly explore these things within The Empty. He has been ridden by guilt for many seasons and I believe that he will feel the weight of his past actions even in death. However I think he will get through these and return to earth having done away with the negative emotions and guilt having worked through them all in the empty).’

It just all makes so much sense having now seen the episode, right? *I flail in happiness*

More under the cut! This got a bit long!

The Second Bardo - The Karmic Bardo of Becoming

So what else about the second bardo after death? (there are six bardos, but this is the second after death, not second in general in case those with Buddhist background knowledge aren’t sure which I’m referring to).

Here is a discussion of the bardos which I’ve added my SPN analysis to. The original full page about the second bardo after death can be found in this link if you want to read the full thing. My added analysis is in bold;

- The bardo of becoming or sipa bardo spans the time between their reawakening and our entering the womb of the next life. The tibetan word sipa, which is translated as "becoming," also means "possibility" and "existence."

- What takes place now at this stage is a reverse process of dissolution: the winds reappear, and along with them come the thought states connected with ignorance, desire, and anger. Then, because the memory of our past karmic body is still fresh in our mind, we take on a "mental body."

- Our mental body in the bardo of becoming has a number of special characteristics. It possesses all its senses. It is extremely light, lucid, and mobile, and its awareness is said to be seven times clearer than in life. It is also endowed with a rudimentary kind of clairvoyance, which is not under conscious control, but gives the mental body the ability to read others' minds. At first this mental body will have a form similar to the body of the life just lived, yet it is without any defects and in the prime of life. (Cas’s body in The Empty (I would say) is not an actual body, but rather a mental projection that his consciousness has made. It is interesting here that the body his mind creates is his human vessel’s. Of course this is because production wise, they were never not going to make it so that Misha was playing dead Cas, but regardless, I think there could be an interesting discussion had about Cas’s familiarity for his human body so much so that in death this is his projection. I also think that this point about reading minds is interesting, because The Empty God read Cas’s mind. Personally, I read The Empty God as being a manifestation of Cas’s inner self rather than an actual God, but more on that later).

- Because the mental body has no physical basis, it can pass through solid barriers such as walls or mountains. The mental body can see through three-dimensional objects. Yet since we lack the father and mother essences of the physical body, we no longer have the light of sun or moon, but only a dim glow illuminating the space immediately in front of us. (This ability to pass through solid barriers is interesting, because that’s what The Empty God does. Also, this discussion of a dim glow illuminating the space immediately in front of us is legit exactly how they lit The Empty. I had previously (I dunno why) but assumed they’d make the empty a foggy, white, space. But the fact it was all black with light only on Cas and the Empty God makes it even more like the discussions of the bardo)

The Empty God passing through the ‘solid floor’

You can see here (well in all the screenshots) that Cas’s immediate space is the only thing that’s lit

- Because of the presence of the five elements in its makeup, the mental body seems to us to be solid, and we still feel pangs of hunger. (This is shown in SPN when Cas is hurt, so we see that the mental projection of his body is still subject to pain and physical suffering)

- In this state mental activity is very rapid: thought come in quick succession, and we can do many things at once. The mind continues to perpetuate set patterns and habits, especially its clinging to experiences, and its belief that they are ultimately real. (Again, we see in SPN that Cas’s mind clings to his past life which is what helps to ground him and bring him back. Also this belief that what he is seeing is real fits in with Cas not realizing that The Empty God was a projection of his inner self).

- In the bardo of becoming we relive all the experiences of our past life, reviewing minute details long lost to memory, and revisiting places, the masters say, "where we did no more than spit on the ground." At the end of each week there is the trauma of realizing that we are dead and we are compelled to go through the experience of death once again, with all its suffering. If our death was peaceful, that peaceful state of mind is repeated; if it was tormented, however, that torment is repeated too. And remember that this is with a consciousness seven times more intense than that of life, and that in the fleeting period of bardo of becoming, all the negative karma of previous lives is returning, in a fiercely concentrated and deranging way. (This is shown in SPN. I hardly need to point it out, but when Cas was shown all the pain and suffering from his past life, it is obvious that past experiences and karma are being shown to him. Many of the things we saw occur in his flashes of memories were of times when Cas fucked up a bit, like with the leviathans and him thinking he was a new God. These are shown to him because this is the weight of karma he now has after his death. His death was also violent and so this violence is also characterized in The Empty with The Empty God beating him up)

- Our restless, solitary wandering through the bardo world is as frantic as a nightmare, and just as in a dream, we believe we have a physical body and that we really exist. Yet all the experiences of this bardo arise only from our mind, created by our karma and habits returning. We are swept along relentlessly by the wind of karma, unable to hold on to any ground. The Tibetan Book of the Dead says : "At this time, the great tornado of karma, terrifying, unbearable, whirling fiercely, will drive you from behind." Consumed by fear, blown to and fro like dandelion seeds in the wind, we roam, helpless, through the gloom of the bardo. (Again, this just further solidifies my point that I think that The Empty God and everything Cas experiences in the empty was a manifestation of his inner self)

- The whole landscape and environment is moulded by our karma, just as the bardo world can be peopled by the nightmarish images of our own delusions. If our habitual conduct in life was positive, our perception and experience in the bardo will be mixed with bliss and happiness, and if our lives were harmful or hurtful to others, our experiences in the bardo will be ones of pain, grief, and fear. (Again, kinda self-explanatory)

- As our mind is so light, mobile, and vulnerable in the bardo, whatever thoughts arise, good or bad, have tremendous power and influence. Without a physical body to ground us, thoughts actually become reality. The overwhelming power of thought, then, is the key issue in this bardo. This crucial moment finds us completely exposed to whatever habits and tendencies we have allowed to grow and dominate our lives. If we don't check those habits and tendencies now in life, and prevent them from seizing hold of our mind, then in the bardo of becoming we will be their helpless victim, buffeted to and fro by their power. The slightest irritation, for example, in this bardo can have devastating effect, and that is why traditionally the person reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead had to be someone with whom we had a good connection; if not, the very sound of his or her voice could infuriate us, with the most disastrous consequences. (This leads to two points, first is that Cas’s guilt and depression (his need to sleep and do nothing) are the things most prominent in his The Empty experiences and the things characterized by The Empty God. They are the things leading him most into the darkness of The Empty. Also, the second point is that Jack calling out to Cas helps him to awaken his mind to this bardo reality).

- The shifting and precarious nature of the bardo of becoming can also be the source of many opportunities for liberation, and the susceptibility of mind in this bardo can be turned into our advantage. All we have to do is remember one instruction; all it needs is for one positive thought to spring into our mind. If we can recall any teaching that has inspired us to the nature of mind, if we have even one good inclination toward practice, or a deep connection with a spiritual practice, then that alone can free us. (Ahhhhrrrrrr, so OBVIOUSLY this fits so well. Cas is literally liberated and rebirthed back into the world because he fights his way out and his love for Dean, and for Sam and Jack is what brings him out of their. Also Cas gains a belief and faith in himself which liberated him from the bardo and causes him to be rebirthed. He clings to those good thoughts and fights and that is what saves him).

- If we are able to invoke or call to mind any enlightened being such as, Buddha, Tara, Guru Rinpoche, Christ or the Virgin Mary, with one pointed devotion and with all our heart, then through the power of their blessing, our mind will be liberated into the space of their wisdom mind. (Rather than calling to mind his faith in a spiritual figure, Cas remembers his faith in the brothers, in love, and in humanity. That helps save him)

- Different signs begin to appear, warning us of the realm in which we are likely to take rebirth. Lights of various colours shine from the six realms of existence, and we will feel drawn toward one or another, depending on the negative emotion that is predominant in our mind. Once we have been drawn into one of these lights, it is very difficult to turn back. (Cas is trying to be drawn into sleep by The Empty God but reists)

- Then images and visions will arise, linked to the different realms. As we become familiar with the teachings, we will become more alert to what they really mean. The signs vary slightly according to different teachings. Some say that if we are to be reborn as a god, we will have a vision of entering a heavenly palace with many stories. If we are able to be reborn as a demigod, we will feel we are amidst spinning circular weapons of fire,or going onto a battlefield. If we are able to be reborn as an animal, we find ourself in a cave, a hole in the ground, or a nest made of straw. If we have a vision of a tree stump, a deep forest, or a woven cloth, we are able to be reborn as a hungry ghost. And if we are able to be reborn in hell, we will feel we are being led, powerless, into a black pit, down a black road, into a sombre land with black or red houses, or toward a city of iron.

- If any of these signs appear, we should be on guard not to fall into any of these unfortunate rebirths. At the same time, we will have an intense desire and longing for certain realms, and are drawn toward them all too instinctively. If our desire is frustrated, the anger that arises will of itself bring the bardo abruptly to an end, as we are swept into our next rebirth by the current of that negative emotion. So, we must take great care not to enter blindly into one of these undesirable realms. Yet what is wonderful is that the moment we become aware of what is happening to us, we can actually begin to influence and change our destiny. (That ending bit of us becoming aware and then being able to influence and change our destiny was just played out superbly in that episode)

That Last Scene in the Sunlight

At the end of the episode Cas is reborn in the sunlight which goes with all the sunshine Cas meta. But also it fits into Buddhims with him following the light to his next chosen birthplace which is earth again. Cas didn’t want to let go of samsara and wanted to return to earth. This is because he had faith in humanity and the love for humanity and the brothers and Dean was what guided him out of the blackness of the empty and into the light. This love is the light of faith, the faith in himself and Dean and Sam and Jack, and also the light within himself. Within Buddhism the light is the light of the Buddha which guides you out of samsara, but for Cas the light is the light of these loves which guides him back into the arms of the world – reincarnated anew in the same form but stronger. Like Buddhist Masters he walks again on earth reincarnated with a rememberance of his past life. He has grown spiritually from this experience and is a better person because of it. He emerges into the literal light.

Also, what do we hear in the score when Cas wakes up within nature? Only flutes which sound like they are Tibetan flutes! They could be Native American flutes, but those tend to be slightly higher? Idk, but regardless, a very similar flute instrument is used in both Native American and Buddhist music. Here is the scene followed by a video of an amazing Tibetan flute player whose music I love. You will hear for yourselves how they are so very very similar and as soon as I heard that music I was astounded that this rebirth was so linked to Buddhist music which basically confirmed all my meta about The Empty being drawn from Tibetan Buddhist ideas of the bardo.

youtube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewR4gwyYe6g

(scene where Cas is reborn on earth)

Also, as a side note, Cas appears back on earth by some blackberries which I know have significance in Biblical symbolism as there is one myth where Jesus’ crown on the cross was made from blackberries? Idk, it just seems here that Cas’s rebirth is heavily linked to Buddhist reincarnation, as well as having hints of Jesus’ resurrection.

Sleep, Depression, Mindfulness and Awareness

‘I don’t like being awake!’

‘I like sleep. And I need sleep’

The ancient god just wanted to sleep. For me in a Buddhist sense this brings to mind ideas that we live life and death, and a life of sorts in the bardo with unawareness. We walk through these worlds without recognition of the here and now. Sleep in Buddhism is literally called another bardo. This is why monks train to (what we would call in the West) lucid dream. Because sleep is another conscious state where one should train oneself to stay in a sort of mindful consciousness – aware of one’s sleeping state so that the monkey mind isn’t swayed by distractions and distracted from feeling the here and now. When the deity wants them both to sleep, he wants them both to be distracted and to fall back into the mindless and un-conscious state without focus or purpose or true feeling. Cas didn’t want to sleep, he wanted awareness and this awareness and the ability to fight against a mindlessness and sleep is what gets you out of the liminal space of the bardo.

Jack calls out his name when he is in death, and wakes him up to the realisation that he is in the empty, just like in the Tibetan Death rituals. Cas was asleep and unaware because he wasn’t trained to be able to wake up in The Empty, but someone with great spiritual/supernatural power (Jack) helped him by calling out to him in death and allowing him to recognise where he is.

Is The Empty God Even Real?

Did The Empty entity really take him out of The Empty? I’m not so sure. I think Cas fought his way out. Jack reached out to him in death and awoke his consciousness into The Empty, much like the mantras read from The Tibetan Book of the Dead are used to call out to the deceased and make them aware of themselves within the bardo to help them get out of samsara and into a better rebirth. Cas chose to fight his way into rebirth on earth, to return to the suffering of the world despite its pain in order to help the brothers – a very bodhisattva act of compassion.

This begs the question of whether The Empty God was even real. If I’m using Buddhism as a way to look at this, I would argue that the God was simply a manifestation of Cas’s inner self and not a literal God described in the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Whilst some read the passages about the Gods and manifestations as literally real, most scholars might agree that these gods seen within the bardo are just inner states manifest. I prefer this interpretation to be honest, with regards to The Empty. It just makes more sense that Cas’s consciousness was flung into this indescribable black empty non-space (which is so like the second bardo after death) and there isn’t really anyone there, but he awakens and has the fervour to fight his way out. The fact that the God could read his mind is cool, but what is cooler is the idea that the God was his mind, that the God wasn’t real, but was something within himself that was telling him to just sleep, to forget, to not be present. The God was a manifestation and exposition of Cas’s inner world. That’s why he looked the same, that’s why he could read his mind, that’s why he was the living embodiment of all the bad karma and guilt and depression Cas had carried with him from his past life. Cas was fighting against himself, he was fighting against his sadness and guilt and the pain and suffering of his past life and he himself fought his way out of The Empty. It’s fun to trivialise this and say that Cas annoyed The Empty God so much that he was flung out of there by him, but The Empty is so linked to the bardo. And the gods in the bardo are manifestations of yourself and so you fight yourself and go into the light by your own volition. Cas was alone, fighting his literal inner demons and he was rebirthed into the light victorious – and isn’t that a much more substantive and positive reading of the whole episode? Idk, I think so!

This also explains why The Empty God couldn't banish him to the far corners of that place, because The Empty God is him and literally can’t get rid of him. He can’t get rid of himself. The Empty God is a projected manifestation with a parasitic hold to Cas’s consciousness and has no power, he only pretends to have power. The Empty God didn’t get Cas back to Earth, Cas fought against his own darkness and followed the light back to earth himself.

‘No regrets. No pain. Kiddo. Save yourself.’

‘I’m already saved’

‘You can remind of my failings. But somehow I’m awake and I will stay awake and I will keep you awake until we both go insane. I will fight you. I will fight you. I will fight you forever. For eternity.’

‘Release me. Release me!’

Here Cas remains awake – in other words he remains what is now commonly referred to as ‘mindful’ – he is present and suddenly jolted out of his mindless unthinking depression and realises that he can be saved.

Conclusion

Anyway, I’ve really been enjoying this whole discussion on Buddhism, I hope it was OK to follow and not just excited flailing from me! Feel free to ask me more about it, and if I don't know the answer to anything Buddhism related I can find out soon for you.

I know a lot has been written on Cas, The Empty God, and Depression which is all amazing great meta. I hope this stuff adds another aspect to that whole discussion - and I say add rather than negate purposefully.

Anyway, I just love how this all fits together and am still flailing about those Tibetan flutes as music during his reincarnation on earth....... It just makes me feel as though this really is all relevant! And the whole bardo idea that everything that appears to you is a manifestation of your inner self which you fight against in order to find the light is such a positive reading of The Empty and shows that Cas fought against himself and fought into the light rather than just being chucked back onto earth by an ancient God.... it’s just such a better and more positive reading for me personally.

#castiel #cas #supernatural meta #my supernatural discourse #my spn meta #spn meta #cas x dean #Cas x Ginsberg #cas and buddhism #cas x buddhism #cas x ginsberg x buddhism #cas x spirituality #13x4 #supernatural season 13 #season 13 meta #13x4 meta #the empty

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noahdnicholus · 7 years

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The Key Points to Consider When Building a UX Team

The field is new and filled with lots of uncertainties for the decision makers of an organization, but it is promising and filled with tremendous opportunities!

Being a User Experience designer right now is an interesting and rewarding experience for the fact that the scope of exploring unknown lands is infinite and I feel proud to be one.

The Internet obviously has a major role to play in the upkeep and growth of this field, and it has lived beyond its expectations up to now. There is a lot of stuff happening around UX nowadays. There are UX conferences, more blog posts explaining the need of User Centered design, and people surely are getting a better picture of the topic, day by day.

While this really is great news for us UX designers, we have miles to go ahead until we reach the pinnacle, where UX design will be considered most pivotal in a system’s design and development process. For this to happen, inclusion of Experience design in an enterprise scenario should be justified, i.e., UX should yield results in terms of tangible values like increased hits, high user conversion rate, improved task completion time and so on.

I work for a large enterprise where people don’t have time for elaborate UX sessions and detailed demos on the benefits of embracing UX holistically. All that matters is the revenue, and it is the single tangible entity that defines the importance, or rather, it is what defines whether something deserves respect or not.

Fortunately enough, the team which I am a part of within a large enterprise took the bold step of taking UX seriously and demonstrated the benefits of doing so, in our own way, to the top management.

This post makes use of my personal experience and wisdom that I have collected over time working in large enterprises, and I will try to present a detailed analysis of key points which will be decisive towards the making of a User Experience team, that delivers.

What is the Need of a UX Team?

The scope of this post is confined to large enterprises where revenue matters the most, where things are already working fine (in terms of revenue) and where there is very little awareness on the need of a good UI. In other words, where the word ‘user’ is often forgotten and has taken the backseat!

The result will be ill-designed applications with significantly diminished user experience, insanely long task completion times and a huge dent in the reputation of the company, when it comes to the quality of interaction and the overall experience with the product.

Though these negatives are obviously visible, people never realize the missing link, the reason is being unaware of the importance of a good UI, less tech-savvy customers who never demand a better experience and, most of the time, simply the lack of proper resources to get the job done!

Push for a UX team here! The challenge lies in convincing management, that this is the solution which connects the dots effectively. It’s just the beginning. Challenges will come like a landslide upon you, and only perseverance will work.

Building the Team From Scratch

I am not a perfectionist, and I fully understand that there is no ‘perfect’ team. But without understanding what you are looking for, you will never be able to identify if you have found the right person or not.

A great UX team is not one which is solely comprised of highly qualified or certified professionals, but one with productive, passionate and positive thinkers who have the right skills. So it’s not only important to identify passionate people, but equal weight should be given to identify the right balance of skillsets, before you go on a recruitment drive.

My understanding so far on the right ingredients for a UX team has worked out well and I take that gut feeling forward.

1. Bring in the experts

Like every other trade, there is no replacement for the wisdom that experience brings to the table. Experienced and seasoned professionals are an integral part of any team. Make sure you have experienced professionals who are self-driven.

In many cases, people land up recruiting misfits just because either the hiring team didn’t have an in-depth understanding of the required profile, or the process of evaluating the candidate was not effective enough. This is where the importance of effective recruitment process comes into play.

Be focused on the specifics of skill-sets you are looking for when you set out to hire a person. For example, while recruiting a front-end engineer, look for his preferences of tools and techniques, which will give you a better first-hand idea on his expertise and way of working.

This has worked for me most of the time. My point here is, make your recruitment process more creative and find out your own ways to get great talents aboard. Also remember, always be on the lookout for better talents than you, and create a team of greats and not a team of dwarfs!

2. Fresh people bring vibrancy to the team

Often, in my experience, freshers (trainees) are the most underestimated resources in a team. I believe if you are recruiting a passionate and enthusiastic fresh soul to the team, the amount of positive energy and raw talent that these people bring into the team is unimaginable.

If harnessed and directed in the right way, they can be one of the best sources of productivity for a team. Provide clear direction to the trainee, clearly set goals and checkpoints along with continuously motivating and directing them to reach the target and let them grow to their strengths.

The key lies in identifying their interests and letting them grow with those interests and passion. The dividends being paid back will surprise you.

3. Certification is not the ultimate benchmark

Professional education/certifications definitely is an added value but not a necessity. Personally, I have worked with people with certifications/design education and also with passionate self-educated professionals, and most of the time the quality of the output was directly proportionate to the level of passion displayed rather than the education/certification.

My point here is, let’s not take certification as a benchmark while recruiting an experienced professional. As I mentioned above, there are gems waiting to be discovered, and the only way to find them is to adopt some really creative recruitment methodologies. This is really important for a domain like Experience design, where passion is paramount.

4. Referrals might not always work – screen thoroughly

I decided to include this point based on some of my bitter experiences in hiring referrals. The ideology behind bringing referrals onboard is to increase the coordination and productivity of the team, assuming that people will find it encouraging to work again with their ex-colleagues or friends.

But this might not always work unless you have a solid screening process in place. Blindly roping in a preferred candidate can be suicidal at times. I am not completely against referrals, but my point here is to never take anything for granted when it comes to building a team that matches your expectations.

Backfires in hiring can prove fatal for the team in the long run, and can seriously hamper the team spirit and productivity if not dealt with in the right way.

5. Never go with the numbers – assess based on the quality of work

Numbers can be deceiving and may not necessarily be proportional to the productivity/quality expected. You might come across a beginner who does magic with code while you may also tumble upon a veteran with no basic knowledge at all. So lets come out of the number game and give respect to those who deserve to be on the team.

6. Make training/sessions/workshops mandatory in the appraisal cycle

Creative designers feed on constant inspiration, and that is one single thing that can drive the show forward. It is essential for a design team to conduct frequent knowledge sharing sessions, and exchange ideas.

Make training sessions and workshops mandatory; this will help bring fresh inspiration to the team and will promote sharing and bring a sense of pride.

Key Roles in a UX Team

While I am not a veteran professional with many years of experience, I’ve had some career defining moments where I have been closely associated with teams struggling to establish the right balance in the team when it comes to Experience Design.

The diversity in my career (a video post-production artist to a web graphics designer to a front-end engineer to a User Experience enthusiast) has been most helpful for this state of mind. It has enabled me to look at my team from a variety of perspectives and identify shortcomings and positives. From my limited experience, let me suggest some key roles which can make the difference in a User Experience team:

1. User Experience Architect

The User Experience Architect is the team’s visionary. Every product thrives on its own vision, and unless the vision is clear, the influence it has on a user’s mind cannot be directed in the intended way. Designing a good experience is meticulously planning a chain of events in which the users are involved, and helping them find what they are looking for easily and smoothly.

A UX Architect’s job is to carefully sandwich the vision into the product, while helping the user to be happy and satisfied in using it.

Should have extensive experience in driving the Experience design processes, as they might have to make key decision just based on his past experiences and wisdom.

They should be passionately associated with a product’s life cycle.

Knowledgeable in UX best practices and processes.

Ability to generate a User Experience Document based on personas and scenarios.

Deliverable will be in form of User Experience Document, Personas/Scenario details and a close association with the team at every stage to make sure the product is shaping up as they wanted.

2. Information Architect

The Information Architect is the authority when it comes to the information design of the product. A skillful Information Architect should be able to cruise along when presented with the challenge of organizing the information in a huge data-driven application with complex scenarios and screenflows. He will be responsible for laying out information and plays a key role in deciding the screen flows and interaction patterns to be followed.

Should be an expert in various wireframing tools like Axure, Omnigraffle, Visio.

They should be a master of IA techniques like card sorting.

Extensive knowledge in standard UI interaction patterns.

Deliverables will be wireframes, screenflows, sitemap and interaction design documents.

3. Visual Designer

The role of a visual designer is crucial to a UX team’s success. Though the efficiency of a product is not skin deep, the skin does matter. The UX vision of a successful product is driven by a visual designer.

While there will be numerous apps and services offering the same service or experience, the first impression, and the visual aesthetics plays a very important role in carrying forward the experience of the product.

A visual designer should be a magician when it comes to color combination, typography, visual hierarchy and importantly should be a great communicator of ideas through whatever medium available, as design is all about communicating ideas.

Madly passionate about visual communication, colors, type and aesthetics.

Share the passion and ideologies of the UX architect and carry forward the UX vision the same way as he would have imagined. This is a key requirement for a UX team to click, and this is often ignored and overlooked upon.

A pixel perfectionist, and a critic lover.

A Photoshop rockstar.

Should have an open-minded approach to design, questioning each design decisions, and contributing to the Experience of the product in his own way.

4. UX All rounder (UX+ VD+Frontend engineering)

From my diverse career experience, this is a role which I feel will make the difference for any UX team. Someone who understands each stage of an Experience design process and who will be able to connect the dots seamlessly across each phase of the Experience design process will be an asset for the team.

They will make sure that the UX vision of the product doesn’t get blurred across each phase. The primary job of this person will be to be involved in each phase of the Experience design process, collaborate with the experts of the respective phases (eg. visual designer, while in the designing phase, information architect during the wire-framing phase and front end engineer during the prototyping and front-end development process) and make sure the product gets transitioned between them smoothly.

This includes guiding the visual designer in authoring graphics/UI elements which doesn’t fall out of the scope for a front-end engineer, or which is entirely non-implementable from a front end development perspective.

Diverse and extensive knowledge in UX practices, Visual design tools & techniques

Front end development concepts, tools & techniques

A trend watcher

Should be on the bleeding edge of all updates, tools and techniques

A good communicator, and importantly a great team player.

The key is communication in this profile, as this person would be working closely with almost all members of the team.

Should have a strong hold on the concepts of each phases, and his/her experience will be put on test, while team discussions, as this person holds the baton for making convincing statements to bring the team to a common understanding and to clear out conflicts that are bound to arise in each phases of the Experience design process.

5. Front-end engineer

This is a key role in a UX team in my opinion, and I am surprised at the level of ignorance some enterprises (at least in the country I work in) show towards this role.

Front-end development is when the product jumps into the first phase of life after much conceptualization and designing from other members of the UX team, and for that matter, this is the most vital part of the Experience design process.

Front-end engineer’s responsibility will be to give life to the concepts and mockups and make them work on a browser or any other medium on which the product is expected to work on. The challenge lies in translating the ideas which are in the form of wireframes, documents, and visual mockups into a working prototype. Working closely with the ‘UX all rounder’ will yield good results for a front-end engineer.

In short:

a front-end engineer brings together the 3 forms of an application, namely content, presentation and behavior.

A rockstar in HTML/CSS/JS based techniques.

Should be a cross-browser compatibility samurai.

Should give attention to detail and should be able to appreciate design.

Well versed with optimization and performance boosting concepts and techniques.

Should have a solid understanding of the technology behind an application in which he/she is working on.

A sharp learner of new techniques and tools.

Ability to bring about a set of processes and standards, and in turn institutionalize the whole front-end engineering process within the organization at large.

6. Content Strategist

It is high-time we start thinking of content as one of the important parts of a product. The role of a content strategist has been a topic of discussion for a long time and the term ‘Content strategy’ itself is evolving. As an Experience design team, content should be considered as an important part of the product, be it web, mobile or any other medium.

A content strategist will be responsible for shaping up the ‘tone of voice’ of the product. He sets the tone of the product by carefully planning the content. Here the content is not only text. It refers to whatever element used to communicate with the user.

A content strategist might even have a call over the design element that the visual designer created, because it communicates something to the user. It is important to convey the right things in the right way to the user for a consistent ‘tone of voice’.

A passionate writer and communicator.

Should have impeccable command over the language and grammar.

Exposure to latest trends and developments in the web world will make a content strategist more desirable.

Ability to appreciate design.

7. Usability Expert

They are the Nielsen and Norman of a UX team. With much established techniques and tools available a qualified usability expert is always an asset to the team. They are responsible for assessing and making sure the product ships out as a usable unit.

Most often, usability comments are best consumed at the initial stages of conceptualization, as keeping the very basic usability issues in mind can help the team move in the right direction.

Also, methods used to conduct user research and similar exercises can prove to be life-saving for highly sensitive which are:

Extensive experience in conducting usability tests and other usability related tasks.

Strong understanding on the working of the product, from a user’s perspective.

A good communicator.

Building a productive team takes time, dedication and lots of effort. Bringing in just the right skills may not always work. It is always important to bring in a balance to the team, by smartly utilizing fresh talent, setting goals and enabling each of them to have a sense of belonging and ownership within the team.

While everything above is based on my experience in the field, there are lots of other factors that some into play while building a team that delivers. The attitude, the passion, the thought processes, everything can make a major difference. Personally, I believe in having members driven by passion and interest in the field, rather than just professional and academic achievements, and this has so far helped us in bringing the right blend of talent to the team.

These are the words of wisdom which my diverse career has gifted me with. I would be excited to know more about this topic from experts and passionate UX practitioners. Share your thoughts, experience, and suggestions on building a rocking Experience Design team!

We now know UX design trends and how to collect the greatest team for user experience. In the next section, we will look at hotel trends. The conversion is really important for websites like these.

from Web Designing Tips https://1stwebdesigner.com/build-killer-user-experience-team/

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