#being an actual adult is...difficult

[crayonurchin]

First art of the new year is all about re-structuring your internal monologue.

In my early 20s I was working full time in London with many social commitments and a variety of hustles and side projects.

In my later mid 20s I cater to many sensory and social drain needs I have and indulge in special interests while respecting my lower energy reserves and celebrating my different way of processing the world.

Did I get more autistic? Nah. I got less fake.

-

[Art description: Three panels showing figures on a black background. Long descriptions follow.

1. A drawing of OP as a person with hip-length hair and a dress standing sadly with her hands clapsed together in front of her. She is coloured a muted rainbow gradient. Behind her, two pairs of nondescript figures chat while smiling. White text says, ‘I’m getting more and more autistic the older I get.’ 2. OP’s colours are brighter, and her expression looks happier. Crayon-like scribbles have crossed out the text from the previous panel. 3. OP’s colours are vibrant, and she balances on one leg and throws her arms out as she dances. The text above has changed to say, ‘I’m becoming more and more myself the older I get.’ \End descriptions]

#urchin art #autism #autistic #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #actually autistic #autistic things #autistic adult #autistic artist #autistic community #listen- the process of unmasking every fiber of your fabricated being is difficult #figuring out who you are behind the mask is scary #but continuing to act in a play where only you got no script is officially cringe #(this is me waxing poetic I am very aware of the safety needs of masking but that's not the point) #the point is ask yourself #are you getting MORE xyz? #Or are you becoming MORE of you?

[tj-crochets]

Hey y'all! Weird question time again So I have kind of a lot of emergency/as needed medications that I have to have with me in my purse whenever I leave the house, and a few more that I have to take with meals, so if I'm going to leave the house for longer than a quick errand I need those too. The problem: I have two nieces that live nearby-ish, one of which is an absolute bundle of chaos of a toddler*, and the kidlet I babysat is going to visit next year. He's nine. If I spend time with any of those kids, how do I childproof my purse full of medications without making it difficult to access emergency medications I could need at very short notice while potentially pretty significantly impaired, like my rescue inhaler? *her parents babyproofed some doors with those latches high up on the door and she figured out how to take a broom and unlatch them

#the person behind the yarn #medical mention #medication mention #harm to children mention #not like specific actual harm it's hypothetical harm I am trying to stop from being an issue #but I know that can be a big issue for people so I tried to tag for it #but like some of the meds I am on can be REALLY BAD if overdosed even a little #one of my meds was used as the murder weapon on a tv show! #and that's the one I (a fully grown not-that-small adult) take 0.05 mg of daily #my nieces are not fully grown and even 0.05mg is probably a dangerous amount for them #but I have to have that pill with me when I leave the house because sometimes I need an extra dose #and if I need an extra dose and don't take it I can get very sick very fast #the benadryl I am less concerned about because A. it's a children's dose and B. it tastes terrible #but I reaaaaally don't want to risk making them sick but also. I HAVE to have those medications with me when I leave the house #and I HAVE to have most of them very easily accessible #because it is difficult to think or do some fine motor skills (like undoing child locks) when wheezing really badly

[queergodot]

Reverse DL-6 where the gun Miles threw aimed just a liiiitle differently and ended up shooting Von Karma dead. Because apparently nobody on the DL-6 case was at all competent they can’t figure out what caused his death so it just gets ruled a suicide. Miles is too loopy from oxygen deprivation to remember throwing the gun and due to his dad still being alive he never gets the trauma nightmares that make him remember. Everything is objectively better for everyone until Franziska von Karma, years later, re-opens the case, and because she’s actually competent, figures out it must’ve been one of the three people in the elevator who shot him. Cue Defense Attorney Miles Edgeworth defending his dad from a murder charge that, honestly, really looks quite plausible.

#'but the statute of limitations -' you think franziska cares about the statute of limitations? grow up #i have no real point with this au except that i think the idea is funny. who's miles weird little girl? #my posts #miles edgeworth #franziska von karma #'but there's no way the cops didn't figure out that he must've been killed' i mean yeah but like #a) the ppl who investigated the dl-6 somehow thought the case was difficult enough to bring in a medium despite the only suspects being #a grown adult man who works in security and who had access to a gun. or an actual 9-year-old #so i think it's safe to say they're not great at drawing logical conclusions #and b) don't quote me on this bc i read this ages ago but i'm pretty sure part of the reason the unsolved murder cases in japan is so low #and the suicide rate is so high is bc every time the police can't solve a murder they just rule it a suicide #obviously that's not the ONLY reason for the suicide rate but you know. still fucked up #anyway i think that's something fucked up enough it'd definitely be a thing in the ace attorney universe

[bedcorpse]

but yeah to piggyback off that post y'all have to understand that if you're not usamerican or got lucky in regards to english teachers, even writers like myself got so sick of being handed boring, surface-level interactions with media and being discouraged from anything else that ofc we hated having to explain why the curtains are blue. because it wasn't a discussion of "okay is this meant to set a tone? tell us something about the character, like is blue their favorite color? or is it meant to symbolize something deeper? what are the different ways we could interpret this?" it was "the curtains are blue because the main character is sad. we don't have time for anything else bc public schools are wildly underfunded and overcrowded depending on the district and i make like 40k a year so any differing opinions will be shrugged off at best and punished at worst."

#emma shut up #how about you apply some of your own nuance for literature to like. actual human beings. #like i LIKED english i write essays for fun in my adult life and put them on yewchewb. and i went thru a 'THE CURTAINS ARE JUST BLUE' phase #because it felt pretentious to me because we weren't engaging with the text on a level that mattered #also most assigned reading for classes suck sorry. like shakespeare and to kill a mockingbird are outliers #i had to read shit like the fountainhead which was so long and stupid we didn't even finish it #also i can't imagine being autistic or having a learning disability that made reading for comprehension difficult #and being forced to do that shit. like whata fuck i can barely remember what i read and now you want me to explain color palettes?

[wesavegotham]

Obviously I have no idea where Tom Taylor will be going with his Dark Knights of Steel elseworld, but the first book pushes the idea that Bruce, despite being a bastard (he's the illegitimate son of late Queen Martha and Jor-El in this) should inherit the throne one day since he's the only one related to the original monarchs of the kingdom, and I can't help but imagine Bruce sitting one the throne one day and he swears to himself to only sire "trueborn children" so no biologically related child of his would ever suffer from growing up as a bastard like he did...and then Damian is introduced to him.

#The idea that Damian might not actually be Bruce's son goes out the window the second Damian starts to scowl exactly like him #Actually this scenario would create a good opportunity for Bruce to reflect on how he was treated by his family #Legitimizing Damian might be controversial both because of Damian's connection to Ra's #And because being a bastard who became king should already put Bruce on politically shaky ground #If he recognizes Damian as his firstborn son and heir it would also become difficult for him to find a political alliance through marriage #Since any wife of his and her family would want to see her children on the throne after Bruce and not Damian #But Bruce suffered deeply from being a bastard and from Jor-El only revealing to him that he was his father when he was an adult #So treating Damian as a bastard or denying the paternity might be emotionally difficult for him because he knows how that feels #Btw in my head Talia only reveals Damian to Bruce to protect him from Ra's or another threat #Not to mess with Bruce #And hey #Maybe we can even solve this problem by having Bruce fall in love and marry her #Even if marrying Ra's daughter would probably be frowned upon #Idk I just want Bruce and Talia to have a love story again #Plus Talia would look amazing as queen

[ruffgem]

not to bring up beef from when i was in second grade but i'm still not over how teachers/teacher aides would automatically assume i was trying to be a smartass when I was actually just curious/asking for clarification. BECAUSE! in second grade, we were writing in our journals, and a kid leaned over and asked me how to spell "gonna," so i told him "g-o-n-n-a." but the teacher overheard and was like "WE DON'T talk like that. we say GOING TO!" and i was like, with genuine curiosity, "but what if someone talks like that and you're trying to write how they talk?" and she got so mad at me like i was trying to be a little shit and not just asking a question!!! AND. in third grade. I wrote a poem about a frog and used the word "leapt," and a teacher aide came up to me and said "um, it's leaped. past tense verbs end in ED!" and i said "oh, i think you can say leapt too, check in the dictionary!" and I WAS NOT TRYING TO BE A SMARTASS! I for real thought i was being helpful and showing this lady a new word but she got so mad at me for "talking back" and made me erase it and change it to "leaped" even though that didnt even rhyme. bitch. smh. I will have beef about this until i die idc if its petty. its my villain origin story

#i think its because my parents always spoke to me like i was a human being with intelligence and so i tried to talk to all adults like #the way i would want to be talked to if that makes sense #but they thought i was being a know-it-all when in actuality i just had like a weird obsession with words and spelling #LOL #like actually. spelling was my favorite subject #also i dont hold grudges ok im a forgiving person but im still so mad about leapt that i use it as often as possible #crazy how she LEAPT to the conclusion that i was trying to be difficult #bitch!!!!!!! meanie!!!

[dont-offend-the-bees]

Obviously Trobed is the main love story of Community and is practically canon in one way or another and I adore it, but I must say on this rewatch I'm nursing a little flicker of a fond and curious spark about the possibilties of Jabed

#No one throw tomatoes at me I'm allowed to multiship!!! #anyway something about Jeff occupying a persona out of fear and Abed occupying many personas out of love #something about Jeff being a man in his 30s so terrified of being unlovable that he crafts the persona of a man too cool for love #vs Abed a man who's been told he's weird/alien so many times that by his 20s(?) he's fully abandoned any shits he might have once gave #Jeff who makes out like he's a smooth ladykiller who has beautiful women throwing themselves at him #vs Abed who ACTUALLY has women (and men) throwing themselves at him because he's weird and it's hot #Jeff who's still not convinced he's a real person at all under the facade #Abed who's so confident in who/what he is that he can take vacations from it and step into totally different personas but always snap back #I think it's genuinely so important that they're the first two of the Greendale seven to meet/hang out #Jeff needs Abed to call him on his shit and show him it's possible as an adult to be weird and playful and loved for it #Abed needs Jeff to ground him a little and to take the group spotlight so Abed can observe and play to his heart's content #anyway i think in the best timeline we got an ep subplot like the han solo!Abed and Annie subplot #wherein Abed embodied a character Jeff has a buried crush on and briefly had a whirlwind romance with him and rocked his world #and Jeff has a crisis for like a week bc he considers himself a pickup artist who knows all the tricks #but the study group TV nerd just swept him off his feet and then strolled away like it was *nothing* #anyway don't mind me. Trying to prepare myself for a difficult day with some harmless blorbo thoughts #mr. bees speaks

[branmer]

one of my controversial opinions (in some circles) is that actually i think it's fine for adults to complain about a kid being annoying if they're doing so in private or in nominally adult spaces to other adults. because well, kids are annoying sometimes, they can't really help being annoying, and having a quick gripe about it to fellow adults is actually like fine and a good way to deal with it rather than taking it out on the child. this includes venting anon/pseudonymously online btw (obviously i am not counting parent bloggers who use real names and expose their kids to online speculation/ridicule etc. those people can fuck off)

#whenever i see these posts where someone is like 'how dare people ever say anything mean about a child's behaviour' i just roll my eyes #having a little gripe about a kid being annoying (or even hurtful because boy can kids be mean sometimes) when the kid in question #is not present is not child cruelty get over yourselves #and it doesn't mean they hate kids or want harm to come to them either #it's actually incredibly important for carers to be able to go to other adults and vent a bit! #parenting is exhausting and having emotional support through the difficult bits is important! #it is good that my sister can turn to me in private and go 'eldest nephew is being a real pain today and im at the end of my tether'

[brine-in-my-eyes]

ive loved myself more than ever before

#a revelation #wow guys #being an adult actually rocks #this kicks ass #i love living #i love being alive #i love being here more than anything #everything is still so so difficult #but it feels good to just be here #wow #they werent kidding it really do get better huh

[sketchdeath]

thinking about how i legitimately have a learning disability that was never ever caught despite [insert all the horrors] and now im an adult who has barely an elementary school childs basic grasp of math 😐🤨‼️👍

#slipping thru the cracks like water #sorry i just had a random memory of like. all the times thruout my entire life that i just. couldn't do it and thought that i was going to #grow up to be a failure. #debatable rn to be honest‼️👍 #mine #i feel like i cant even talk about how little i know too. i feel like ill be ridiculed. because i have been lol! #yes ive made the effort to learn yes i went to tutoring. i just got pushed aside the majority of times because well. lol. i was coasting. #and now even doing basic math makes me actually legitimately panic. its like im reverted back to trying to do it in school and not being #able to. #i can not do mental math. i can only do some very basic stuff #i can not read fractions or decimals #i can not read big numbers #it is difficult for me to count things in a row especially if those things are very similar #i can not properly measure time or estimate the time it takes for me to get ready/leave for things. i have to plan things in advance to #extreme lengths #cant calculate a tip on the fly. very bad at estimating that. have to preplan. #struggle with coming up with how much things will cost when put together/estimating cost #super fun stuff that makes me feel infantalized as an adult 👍

[seilon]

you know im realizing now. with the exception of a few resident psychiatrists, ive had like. no good experiences with mental health professionals

#most recent occurance is eating my brain alive right now because I feel just so. degraded and offended by how she chose to evaluate me #I won’t get into it because it will make me spiral even more and get angrier and more overwhelmed but tldr she didn’t acknowledge #anything I said about my symptoms both out loud and via written test. chose to ignore or dismiss anything that came from me #as if I couldn’t be trusted to recount my own experiences and feelings. also did not take into account that I am an adult and thus have Had #to learn to mask and shit so while she brushed off So Much Shit because i seemed (in the three hours she met/saw me) #functional Enough. that’s only becuaee I put in a Lot of effort every day to do so. and that effort does not last forever #and of course because. like I said I’m an adult. I’ve been yelled at I’ve been punished I’ve been put through courses and #through the ringer of Society in general to the point where I mimic Normal Person Behavior at least somewhat decently when im prepared to do #so. she treated me like a child and didn’t acknowledge most of my major issues. ignored me when I said I don’t avoid social situations out #of fear/anxiety I avoid them because it takes a lot of energy for me to mask and try and read people and act accordingly #and in her report suggested generalized anxiety. part of the reason I was there is because anxiety HASNT ever properly described my #avoidant behavior. #and just. yeah I said I wouldn’t get into it but here we are. this always happens #it’s just eating at me because I keep realizing more and more things she just fucking disregarded. literally wrote that I ‘listed many #relevant symptoms’ and kept it at that. did not actually give those symptoms any validity. basically just implied I was listing things #just. becuase? #some shit was just blatantly wrong like claiming that I have a variety of interests when I told her outright that I can only be interested #in one specific interest at a time- example being the entirety of last year being only interested in One (1) video game. and this is to such #an extent that it’s difficult to make and maintain friendships because I have no interest in anything else but that One Thing for however #long and won’t care about other things people try to get me into in order to have something in common with me or whatever or just. yeah. #issues. #she didn’t acknowledge the issues I have with low empathy or overstimulation. didn’t acknowledge my history of taking things literally to #such an extent that it has caused problems with people. didn’t acknowledge anything that was self-reported and not being displayed in that #moment right in front of her eyes. it’s just. really really disappointing and. yeah degrading honestly #especially because it took months upon MONTHS to get this fucking appointment #and to just be not listened to and dismissed. #anyway. yeah I’ve also just only ever had really shallow relationships with therapists (at best) #and have never felt helped by them or like they ever put in much effort to try to Get to me so to speak. only my psychiatrists have #been open minded and Listened to me. but they were always residents so they’d leave in a year or so. I don’t have one at this point. #kibumblabs

[outmwverse]

to do list:

>update intro post (way overdue. augh)

>species intro posts (very short. one page per species >_>)

>story pages on da blog

#maybe if i write it out like this itll make me more likely to actually do it #i keep starting and losing steam and then starting over like every few days its really annoying #being an adult and making time for my passion projects and then also being happy with them is...incredibly difficult :(

[stgroversfire]

hold up are anti self-diagnosis people like fully aware of the cons of formal autistic diagnosis

#actually autistic #i was fortunate enough to have an autistic therapist that could work with me on it #but diagnosis can be ridiculously expensive #in a world already financially difficult for autistic people #plus all the fun other shit like being unable to immigrate to several countries #and completely closing off all avenues for other diagnoses #not to mention how unfamiliar so many doctors are with adult adhd #sometimes a pediatrician is your best bet #.text

[isfjmel-phleg]

(back on my history soapbox, sorry)

#random personal stuff #I don't want to name any names and I'm not looking to get into arguments #but I struggle to understand how #the imaginary atrocities one assumes a historical teenager would have committed if they had lived to adulthood #are so much worse than #the actual atrocities committed by a related adult which are excusable because this person had a sad life #why is the one allowed sympathy and complexity while the other is judged harshly for the assumption of what they could have become #it costs zero dollars to be understanding of and fair to multiple historical people at once #this isn't black and white #and it really bothers me that it seems to be so difficult to find compassion for an actual child #who was as much the product of their upbringing and culture and circumstances as anyone else connected with them #anyway this is a frustratingly common perspective on these people and it showed up on my dash today #(from someone who isn't a mutual/friend) #and I am just...very tired of unfair takes on historical people and of selective compassion and designated villains #these were real human beings everyone

[gloombog]

thinking a lot recently about how being chronically ill as a child must have really fucked with me. i never really thought about it that much in the past but now it's like. i am rotating it in my mind and so on and so forth

#like. the weird and totally indescribable way hospitals make me feel. i want to say ''liminal space'' but it's not really that #supposed to be a place you go to get ''better'' and like sometimes it was but mostly it just always represented uncertainty to me #like so many appointments and urgent care and all these tests only for them to consistently be like ''we don't know what's wrong with her'' #especially with the gastrointestinal issues i always had and it was truly awful sometimes #and there were at least a couple uh. traumatic experiences #and it's also kinda infuriating that soo much of it could have probably been chalked up to me having severe anxiety #and like when i think about the way i was as a kid i feel like it should have been SO obvious. but no one ever once thought to consider it #not even once. it was just ''we don't know what's wrong with her'' over and over again #don't even get me started on how obvious it was that i had adhd but adults always acted like it was just me being willfully difficult #''she needs to learn how to pay attention. she doesn't care about anything'' and i was just there like for the love of god somebody help me #but anyway that's another story. in conclusion hospitals feel like a place i go to be scrutinized and poked and prodded #and put through so much fear and discomfort and pain even #only to be told that there's nothing wrong with me and it can't possibly be as bad as i make it out to be #but actually shoutout to my pediatric asthma and allergy doctor. dr. lee truly goated thank you for always making me feel safe <3

[elainemorisi]

why does my house have a (full!) bathroom on the floor with no bedroom and a (large!!) bedroom on the floor with no bathroom. aaaaaaaarg

#these being the 2nd and basement floors #so also obnoxiously difficult to renovate! #(2nd being the top/roof/attic) #iteration 2324 of my immense griping about the general incomprehensibility of non-romantic companionship: built environment flavor #this goddamn house has the goddamn space and the goddamn rooms for another goddamn adult who I am not GODDAMN FUCKING #but just didn't care to put those goddamn rooms near one another why on earth #what suburban use for a FULL BATH IN THE BASEMENT is there #(that is half the ire; if it were just a toilet it at least wouldn't be taunting me like this) #it's a fully submerged basement this isn't some half-finished walkout mother in law suite #let us all once again sing the cheery tune #'why on earth have we decided to tie fucking somebody to all this other unrelated shiiiiiit' #'at least when it was a logical part of the business arrangement there was a reaaaasooooon' #I like that fine! I like romantic relationships fine! #I do not like pursuing them for the sake of actually fully unrelated life goals that feels incredibly disgusting and I won't do it! #(not like morally on a grand scale... ish. like if someone WANTS a romantic partner who is also all the other kinds of partner god bless #I'm fully agnostic on that matter so the idea of dating because I want a roommate is just urg. creeps me the hell out #not as bad as the last iteration of this problem of course which would've been dating because I want a kid. but still bad!) #and I want a roommate damnit :( #but I sure would like to be able to provide them with a reasonably separate personal space too but ALAS