#because I read it all the time in middle/high school

[lavampira]

book recommendations

tysm @winedark and @rosenfey for the tag <:

passing it along to @hythlodaes @scionshtola @coldshrugs @likeabirdinflight @lesbianalicent @veeples @narrativefoiltrope @kirnet @disequilibria @jennystahl @elvves @queenofthieves @weird-ecologies @erielake @verbose-vespertine @solarisrenbeth @onceinabluemoony @queerbrujas @oldblood but ofc no pressure!!

1. the last book I read:

GOTH WESTERN by LIVALI WYLE — well. technically, it’s an indie graphic novel. but it’s a western meets magical realism about necromancy, revenge, and the power of love. and lesbians. I burned through it in a couple hours sitting because I was so gripped by it tbh.

2. a book I recommend:

THE HACIENDA by ISABEL CAÑAS — an absolute all time fave book in my heart; I would say one doesn’t even need to necessarily love horror to get invested in this one, since it also involves very interesting critique of spanish colonialism, religion, and class struggles in post-independence mexico only using hauntings as the lens to view it.

3. a book that I couldn’t put down:

THE PRIORY OF THE ORANGE TREE by SAMANTHA SHANNON — I was glued to this book for a solid two weeks despite its length. I have a lot that I would change about the pacing and certain events or qualities of some characters’ outcomes, but it was such a fun fantasy read, and I had a difficult time even moving on from the setting and protagonists once I was done.

4. a book I’ve read twice (or more):

THE SONG OF ACHILLES by MADELINE MILLER — my first time reading this myth retelling was my freshman year of college, so I reread it again ten years later to see if it would still hold up for how much I loved it, and it absolutely did. the perspective of the man standing beside and in love with the hero interwoven with the tragedy of achilles and patroclus takes me right out and the passages that tumblr enjoys to quote from it have so much more impact in the full context of the narrative.

5. a book on my TBR:

OUR WIVES UNDER THE SEA by JULIA ARMFIELD — this poor book keeps getting knocked down on my TBR but I’m determined to read it this year. I’m intrigued by the horror of the protagonist’s wife ‘coming back wrong’ in a sense, and the recommendations based on its similarity to ANNIHILATION, but also the fact it seems to be a wlw scifi horror, too.

6. a book I’ve put down:

AFFINITY by SARAH WATERS — I wanted to like this one so bad, considering how often waters has been hyped up to me as The Author for historical lesbian novels and the fact it delves into victorian spiritualism, but the pacing felt so slow at getting to the point in the plot, and when it finally did, the twist put me off on finishing the end. it’s probably more of a case of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ but I def had to DNF it.

7. a book on my wishlist:

GHOST STATION by S.A. BARNES — space horror quickly became a fave niche genre that I got into last year, so I’ve been very excited for this release, too. I’m also a fan of how barnes writes atmospheric dread and I have high expectations for it.

8. a favorite book from my childhood:

WUTHERING HEIGHTS by EMILY BRONTË — it altered my brain chemistry as a teenager in high school and I haven’t been the same since I read it. I distinctly remember listening to ‘you said I killed you — haunt me then!’ read aloud and having to pretend like it didn’t make me feel so completely unhinged in the middle of class.

9. a book you would give to a friend:

PIRANESI by SUSANNA CLARKE — I was recommended this one by a friend to begin with, so it feels like an even more perfect book to pass forward. I think it’s one of those books that’s easy to get absorbed into even if it’s not a typical genre one would read, and it’s such a life-altering experience to go through with the protagonist, too. the underlying message that we’re all changed by our own trials and we’re never the same as we were before lingers with me.

10. a book of poetry or lyrics you own:

CRUSH by RICHARD SIKEN — it’s taken me so long to finally track down a physical copy at my bookstore but it was worth it because it remains my fave book of poetry to date. I could quote so many lines, after how hard they’ve hit me, and some of them have influenced my own writing or pairings in some ways.

11. a nonfiction book you own:

HAVANA NOCTURNE by T.J. ENGLISH — back in 2015-2016ish I went through a true crime phase in the prohibition era through the foundation of the US mafia, and this is a very informative book on how the mob became tied to cuba and how the revolution affected it.

12. what are you currently reading:

AN EDUCATION IN MALICE by S.T. GIBSON — I stumbled across this retelling of carmilla set in a late 60s massachusetts women’s college after reading gibson’s A DOWRY OF BLOOD and had to give it a try. I’m enjoying it so far; the prose is full of thick emotional yearning and electric chemistry, and the balance in the narrative of toxic mentorship, historical romantic and sensual attraction between women without shaming them for it, and vampiric elements is really fun.

13. what are you planning on reading next:

WHAT FEASTS AT NIGHT by T. KINGFISHER — I only found out the other day that the sequel to WHAT MOVES THE DEAD was even released but I’m so desperate for the next part of alex easton’s story (and how eerily kingfisher writes horror) that it shot up to my next read.

#childhood is a stretch but i only read like. where the red fern grows. as an actual smaller child #and honestly? who let me do that? i sobbed for weeks i can’t consider it a fave after how bad it shattered little dani’s soul #dani.txt #tag game

[goodluckclove]

tw for drugs and sex mentions

yo clove not writing related but do you think it's normal to have not tried recreational drugs by 15 and not particularly want to find them? I've seen people making fun of people for it, along with not having sex which is also concerning to me as a sex-repulsed aroace person (caedosexual and demialterous/aroflux). I'm really anxious about stuff like this so I'd love ur opinion if you're comfortable answering stuff like this, I trust you a lot and you seem like a smart and knowledgeable adult so if you say it's fine I'll probably stop worrying

Hey man if you want to get real let's get real. I won't get too descriptive, but I do agree some people may need the tw so I'll put this under a Read More. Generally my answer is that younger people have a warped view of what warrants maturity and adulthood and a lot of the stuff that they think represents being a Cool Grown Up is actually not meant to be that profoundly world-changing in my opinion. This is especially true for all the stuff that is designed to spike your dopamine, unless in cases where it's being used medicinally (and even then it's case-by-case on if it's really medicinal).

Let's get into it!

So first off let me say the three big things that make me kind of biased to talk about stuff like this.

I am an alloromantic, sex-repulsed asexual

I am an addict

I am a child of addicts

I'll tackle sex first just to get it out of the way, and because I think it'll be easier to answer. Teenagers are one of the most brutal species on the goddamned planet (second only to middle schoolers and that sludge in Chernobyl that kills you immediately if you look at it), and I know for a fact they'll find a way to make fun of you for anything. I didn't know I was asexual in high school. I was an out lesbian at the time - I actually came out on our school broadcast for a GSA ad that ended up playing at least twice a month all year. People were more...too into it, which is also bad.

Mean Teens might say some dumb shit. That sucks, but you'll live. There will be way more Mean Teens that have an opinion on your sex life than there will be Asshole Adults. Like way more. I am open about being an asexual marriage and the worst I get is like "what if you want kids" which - you know - you can shut that down quick.

What matters is what you think about yourself, and the cool truth is that if you go through your whole life never wanting to have sex your life will be very close to unchanged in the grand scheme of things. I'll probably never want to eat a whole olive, and Riley thinks that's crazy because they love olives. But we will both see the same amount of sunsets and cool birds, and we were both eat roughly the amount of yummy snacks and have the same amount of adventures.

I've had sex. Ladies. No, seriously though - it's fine. It's okay. I remember yearning for it for years (I was actually wanting intimacy oops), and when it finally happened I was like oh. that's it? okay. There was a point when my girlfriend at the time actually entered me and I was immediately confused because I had no idea what she was trying to do. I remember I furrowed my brow like I was trying to understand Improv Jazz.

I laughed. i did laugh. That is not great for two people having sex for the first time.

Anyways, I had a few sexual partners and just kind of assumed they were all bad at sex or I was doing something wrong for some reason. Then I met Riley and they were openly ace, and something just clicked in me. I'm still aesthetically and sensually attracted to them (I use sensually in terms that aren't sexual), but there's really no pressure there and we aren't worried about it. And it's awesome.

If someone makes you feel weird about not having sex or a romantic attraction to people then you should feel a little bad for them, because that seems like a thing that a person would only do if they had very little else going on in their lives. That's some bland-ass khaki shit.

Onto intoxicants! So before I moved to Portland I lived in San Jose, California, and shortly after weed was legalized my parents had me start smoking with them - I was 18 - and I ended up being heavily addicted for about three years. This is a divisive thing to say because I know there's some argument about whether or not weed can even be addictive. Let me just say right now, I'm not about to have that argument. I detoxed for about three weeks and I genuinely thought I was dying. Like, I said my "last words" to my mother when she came to check on me. It was rough.

I am not anti-weed. I know it can be an amazing tool for people with certain medical conditions. And if you don't have a history of addiction, it's probably fine to smoke a bowl or a joint every so often and just have that be the end of it. I mean, it's so easy to find now.

Weed is fun, though. That's kind of the reason why it developed it's own culture and persona. The same can be said with alcohol. People definitely have opinions on IPAs. But if someone is so invested in what is essentially little more than an economic industry, that they feel the need to judge you for - spending your money on other stuff? That's piss wizard shit.

Weed is fun, yes, but it is expensive. If someone says they have cheap weed it's probably shit and you need to smoke a lot, or they got it through means that aren't great. And going out to bars also gets costly quick. I still go sometimes, but I limit myself to one fun cocktail.

You can also still go to bars if you want - when you're older, I mean. They can be a good place to meet people and see shows. A lot of them have cool non-alcoholic options - I like when there's a kombucha on tap - or they even have mocktails that are still cool mixed drinks with no alcohol. But they all have Coke or whatever.

There's literally a bar by my house that I go to and I only order the French fries and a Coke. Nobody cares. Getting drunk can be fun if you're in the right situation, but I don't consider it worth the hangover. Getting high can also be fun in the right situation, but edibles taste like trash and if you smoke you're essentially a smoker and that's it's own stigma. What's the alternative - vaping?

Oh my god, vaping? Come on. I have friends that vape and you know how many of them only do it because they're addicted? All of them. Shit sucks. I don't judge them, but I can see them cringe every time they have to hit it.

Also don't let people talk to you about that Delta-8/9 shit. Yeah, it's stronger. Yeah, it's unregulated. But like - it's unregulated and we have no goddamned clue what it'll do in the long run.

Getting high is fun because you don't have to exist in the world for a while and that's great, but it ultimately doesn't solve anything. When I'd smoke a bunch of weed and sativa alone in my bedroom (Hey don't do that! Bad idea! Really bad! My parents knew I was doing this and they allowed it because they are bad people!), I'd giggle and fuck around and eat a lot of snacks, but the next morning all the shit I was trying to escape was still there. Only difference was that now I had to go out and drop another 60 bucks on an eighth to get me through the next two weeks.

A lot of people want to have sex and get drunk or high so they can think of something else other than their current situation for like fifteen minutes to six hours. if you don't want to do either of that, and you're not going absolutely insane, that seems pretty cool. I can cite all the studies that say that a lot of that kind of stuff can actually stunt your development if you get into it too early (Or at all, really), but you don't need me to do that. You know that's the case. I knew that and I still OD'd on weed twice before the age of 21.

You're good, man. It's not a culture when you do that this young, it's a coping skill. And if you found a different one that's going to be way better for you in the long run. You can still have fun and make friends, you can even still have a partner in life if you find that's something you want. Your life is might seem limited in a few ways - but it's actually far more open in many, many other ones.

I don't mind questions like these all, by the way. Thanks for trusting me!

#friend asks #personal #tw drugs #tw alcohol #tw sex mention #asexual #aromantic #asepc #aroace #asexuality

[maddie-grove]

This is so depressing.

#romance novels #the cartoon covers have totally taken over #more expensive and worse #I’m not saying they’re all bad but #(a) most of them are contemporary romance which I don’t like nearly as much #and (b) it’s hard to tell the New Rom Com Romance from the kind I like #idk whenever I read the new rom com type #I’m just like #this worked better in fanfic #or this worked better in a romantic comedy movie that put more emphasis on the comedy #or this worked better when it was the 2000s and it was called chick lit #chick lit is so interesting to me as a basically dead genre #because I read it all the time in middle/high school #and there was a lot of sex and shopping #but there were also a lot of novels about ordinary women dealing with regular life stuff #like light-hearted in tone but they took regular adult life seriously #and it’s kind of bizarre that they were so dismissed #hot take but Tom Perrotta and Nick Hornby are both chick lit writers

[just-somedude]

.

#I had to go to a high school friend's funeral a couple weeks ago #the guy was like an older brother to me #he was only 23 #I spent an hour alone in a room with his coffin just crying #wishing I had gotten to spend more time with him #Now because of that #I'm making sure to live my life exactly how I want to #I've had people tell me to “do the smart thing” and build a career #travel in short spurts etc #fuck that #I want to be the unemployed friend in all those memes #the guy who you don't hear from until you get a video from a glacial lake in the middle of the wilderness #and then a week later a picture from atop a mountain #I want to do cool shit #I want to have DAD LORE #stories to tell #people to tell them #mid life crisis at 22 is crazy but FUCK IT WE BALL #anyways my rambling is over if you're still reading this I'll give you a smooch

[quaranmine]

your mom reads your fanfiction? that's awesome! what else does she say about it?

Well, she's read this one! She hasn't ever read any other fanfiction before either but I've explained the concept to her. It's also the only piece of fiction writing she's read by me since I was probably in 7th grade or so. She knew I could write based on the essays and articles I've written. Like, I've had her help me edit my college papers before and she went with me in high school when I competed at state for timed essay writing. But she had ZERO exposure to whether I could write fiction or not!

I left her some notes at the beginning of the story to explain a few things, like how yes the names are weird but she'll get used to them. (I pointed out that she loved Cold Storage by David Koepp, which has a character who is called "Teacake" the entire time.) She is also reading it slower than she probably would've read other books, because I recommended she open up the document on her laptop. At 218 pages, the google doc lags HARD on your phone.

She told me that once I used the word "rack" to describe Grian hanging up the phone in its place, and that wasn't what it was called, but she blanked on the correct word to describe it. (Cradle? Just 'holder'?)

She already knows the end of the story, but she still thinks it's very irrational for Grian to assume Mumbo is alive. She too has a lot of experience going hiking and doing outdoor activites, as well as a big true crime obsession, so she's well versed with the odds of missing people being alive after such a long time. So she think it's Painfully obvious that Grian is wrong, but she also understands the way I've set up his grief and is very sympathetic to it.

She's delighted with the part where Scar desribes Jellie to calm Grian down. She also highlighted several descriptions I've done and said that she loved the way I described the mountains and nature. She said it was very beautiful. She has learned a lot about fire lookouts and finds all my details interesting. She likes Scar best because she knows a lot more about him from me talking about him over the years—I guess I tend to talk about Scar more than Grian because I watch his streams more and showed her pictures of Jellie.

She's also calling it "my book" :D

#quara asks #hc_firewatch_au #i also told her to under no circumstances try to find the rest of my fanfic :sob: #i likened it to reading my diary (which i dont have) without my permission and that i was voluntarily sharing this #she SHOULD respect that because she's always been very good about those type of boundaries (thankfully) #cause i do know that she can find the ao3 copy with very minimal googling #anyway i have talked to my mom about this fic over the past few months because i wanted someone to talk about it irl with #i used to have irls in middle school/high school that were into fanfic and so i'd talk to them all the time #but for various reasons we've drifted and now i dont really have many like...fannish friends irl

[yzafre]

This post sponsored by the youtube vid title I saw referring to Aqua as "mom" my teeth are set on edge and I'm eying it suspiciously because I DON'T trust it. I've seen that "oh, she's the mom-friend and the only one with her life together, just going around picking up the boys' messes" opinion too many times, I am hissing warily.

That's way too simplified, stop reducing her depth, she's much more complicated and also even inside the mom-energy she admittedly has, it's like. Hm.

She does have some mom-energy (affectionate) but I think she also has mom-energy (derogatory). Y'know?

#kh #aqua #I've been in writers block for a month #so I'm just thinking about the characters #and consuming a lot of KH media #to try and get back in the right headspace #so some aqua thoughts because the sun is down and it's time for rambling #the thing is I want to acknowledge how strong and skilled she is #but I also want to poke at all the mess I glimpse under the surface too #except the girls in KH get side-lined enough I don't want to come off #like I'm dismissing or undermining her you know? but #I have very complicated feelings on Aqua #from certain angles I see 'just-graduated-high-school' me #so I'm always playing the 'is this projection or is this an accurate reading of the text' game #...it's somewhere in the middle probably #she looks very put together most of the time #but then there's those handful of scenes #where she suddenly says something and I'm snapping my head to the side like '???' #'oh we're re-contextualizing EVERYTHING you're doing now'

[nero-neptune]

idk, i just think that (to a point) Everyone's a product of the media they consume. that's why certain media is called 'formative', esp if you watched it young. one thing you watched/read could’ve lead to an interest which could’ve gotten you to learn/participate in/avoid something you wouldn’t have otherwise. take away all the books you’ve read, movies you’ve watched, music you've listened to, etc etc- you’re likely a totally different person. which is neither good nor bad, that's just called being a person who lives on planet earth.

#if i went back in time to middle school and made it so twilight wasn't on hold and i finally read at the age of 11 #pretty sure i could've become a twilight fan (opening a whole new branch of who i could turn out to be) #or how i was This Close to becoming a directioner (and i probably would've been a whole new person due to that) #or how i only got into doctor who because i was recommended hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy (my first real intro to scifi books) #and without that i probably wouldn't have stayed on tumblr (which i only made bc of my interest in animation (more media consumption lol)) #bc it's the who in superwholock that cemented my desire to make an account #or if i hadn't thought the violin looked cool bc i saw it in a movie then i wouldn'tve joined orchestra in 6th grade #(and then discovered i hated orchestra so then i joined band. and then i was offered the choice of baritone or sax and i chose baritone) #and marching band (which i later joined) defined all 4 years of my high school #something that straight up would not have happened if i hadn't thought a violin player looked cool in a movie i saw as a kid #boom! butterfly effect! #so who am i without all these experiences bc of the media i consumed? idk. if they exist in an alternate timeline #without any of the things that make me Me #that's a stranger for all intents and purposes #rambles

[soliusss]

I love reading posts about allistic/neurotypical behavior. Everything makes sense. Apparently in conversations there are cues for beginnings and ends you’re supposed to pick up on. And that’s how you dont accidentally talk over someone else. I do not have the Sensors for that. And that’s just one example of many. This stuff is crazy. No wonder I can’t make friends apparently there’s like 20 million social rules I’m unaware about. Doesnt feel like I’m missing out on much though, it sounds exhausting

#the reason I passed as Normal for years in my youth is because I have the girl afab masking tendencies #also I think all kids dont have those innate social cues established yet #but in middle/high school they do which is why I’m only struggling now #dunno why it wasn’t picked up on earlier though #8 year old Solius would read the sibley field guide cover to cover multiple times #all tjat bird knowledge to randomly infodump onto people #solius posting #that Costa Rica ornithology trip was the best ever because half of us were audhd with bird/plant/insect spinterests #i still struggled but it was still easier to socialize

[bitchthefuck1]

One of the weirdest things about finding out you're traumatized/mentally ill/neurodivergent as an adult is looking back at all the very obvious signs in your childhood and realizing none of the adults responsible for you were paying attention

#it really is a mindfuck #like all of yall were really asleep at the wheel here #me: exhibiting very obvious symptoms of neurodivergence and mental and physical illnesses #ever parent teacher coach and other authority figure i interacted with: shes just Like That. #fun fact i when i was in elementary school starting in 2nd grade id have to walk to the front of the classroom and read a section of the #board at a time and then go back to my desk and copy it from memory because I couldn't see well enough from my seat and not a single #teacher said or did anything about it until i was in fifth grade. guess who needed glasses. #like they didn't even ask they just let that happen until my fifth grade teacher was like. what are you doing. and i told her i couldn't #read the writing from two rows back and she told me to tell my mom i needed glasses #anyways ms. [redacted] you're the only valid mfer in this place #not even gonna get into the number of coaches who called me lazy or out of shape in middle/high school (even though i was playing multiple #sports a year) when i told them i couldn't breathe after running for only a minute or two. guess who has sports asthma. #maybe this is just being the middle child but like of you're not going to pay attention to me can u at least not immediately call me a liar #when i say something's wrong maybe #those aren't even mental/neurological those are very obvious and easily demonstrated physical issues and you STILL didn't say anything #not even gonna get into all the very obvious signs of mental illness and neurodivergence

[blondiest]

going to make my own version of those "that girl" videos that used to go around on tiktok (which were basically aesthetically-styled disordered eating so far as i could tell tbh) but mine will be me eating stuff like hard-boiled eggs slathered with mustard & enjoying it with a degree of enthusiasm that viewers find off-putting. my "that girl" trait will not be yoga or drinking five gallons of water a day or even having nice hair or clear skin, it will simply be my joie de vivre or however it's spelled

#i used to eat hard boiled eggs w mustard on them all the time in college bc they had them in the vending machines #and they also had packets of mustard #and i forgot my lunch like every day lol #so that became my lunch #it's a humbling experience to eat a wholeass hard boiled egg in public with like. no knife to cut it in half btw. like you just have to #take bites and it's fine but you feel silly and inelegant #it does not help if you are very gender nonconforming at the time but like. aren't trying to be. jfhfhfjgh #<- was really bad at fitting in during college bc i had super short hair and wore men's jeans and sweaters from goodwill #all of which are actually swag things to do btw but like it doesn't feel swag at all if you like. are actually trying to fit in #and are just very bad at it #and genuinely cannot connect the dots on Why Girls Don't Want To Be Your Friend (it CAN'T just be that you're getting read as queer. right?) #(because that would be so messed up if it was because of that.) #[narrator voice: it was because of that] #anyways this is off the rails bc it was supposed to be about eggs and my love of them but #a lot of people say that college is better than high school. and for me it WAS by a lot but it still was really hard in a lot of ways #i felt deeply isolated. i went to an ag school in the middle of a midwest state and studied STEM #in high school i associated with basically only queer art kids (not a huge high school and a lot of us weren't out yet but. y'know.) #and then in college i felt very out of place #and towards the end of college i decided to try and take a stab at looking more traditionally feminine. grew out my hair #got rid of my bangs #it was fine #i definitely noticed that people treated me much nicer once i had long hair and women's clothes that actually fit me #and i was like okay yeah so i guess i just should try to pass as straight then. that seems like it'll be easier #during the pandemic i gave myself bangs again. just a lil bi girl swag yk. and then last august i got my hair cut into a real short bob #and i immediately felt so much more like myself. idk how to explain it. but i was just like not meant to be feminine in that exact way #i'm honestly still pretty feminine presenting overall but #i love the fact that if i wear my hair messy now it looks kinda boyish. and if i style it nicely it looks girly. #i feel like i have options yk. and i still don't think i get read as queer now tbh? though i'm bad at knowing these things #but i don't feel like i'm HIDING anymore #WOW THAT WAS LONG SORRY LMAO

[fingertipsmp3]

Why did I get paranoid about how no one has checked the work I submitted yet. It’s literally Sunday

#i mean i signed up for this last night in like the middle of the night #but i guess they either automate the sign up procedure or they have saturday office hours #it is based in the usa so if they work saturday afternoons they will have gotten my stupid application at a regular time #oh it’s freelance work. it’s basically just writing and proofreading #i just want to get approved so i can actually do the thing and then i can make at least a little money and not completely lose my mind #as i continue searching for a job. and also! when i get asked about the gap in my resume i can be like ‘yeah so i was actually freelancing’ #it will also make the job search a bit less urgent and calm me down a bit if i have an income stream in the meantime. i think #like i won’t have to apply to stuff i genuinely can’t do just because i need a job (like factories or care work. neither of which i should #probably really be doing on account of the dodgy knee) #but yeah. i was sooooo paranoid but literally… i did like 16 different example tasks for them. it took me well over an hour so it’ll #probably take a lot of time for them to mark it #i just hope they don’t reject it. that would be embarrassing as fuck. ma in english; i’m qualified to teach esl AND high school english……. #if i fail at proofreading i will simply just cry #the thing i feel like could screw me is i didn’t really understand the guidelines on maybe the first task or two because i can’t read #apparently. also i use british spellings and it’s an american company. i also didn’t realise grammarly was there and ‘helping’ me for a hot #minute. i was like ‘what are those squiggly lines for’ #look if they don’t want to keep me i’ll just keep scouring the subreddits and find something similar. it’s fine. it’s all good #this would just be perfect for me because i love writing and i love correcting other people’s mistakes lol #personal

[aurosoul]

I got some incredibly kind messages today after venting about my thoughts about quitting art this morning and I just want to say THANK YOU to the people who reached out to me and that I love you all 💖💖💖💖 ;__;

I’m definitely NOT giving up, I’ve just been really struggling with anxiety, imposter syndrome, and hinging my self-worth on my income lately and I’ve been losing sight of what brought me to art in the first place.... life remains incredibly stressful to us all, but this was a good reminder to take a breath and be gentle to myself despite everything

#incessant meowing #i don’t talk about this because i’m embarrassed by it #but due to mental illness and a history of bad living situations i’ve never been financially independent #and as i get older i’ve been putting more and more pressure on myself to finally make at least a lower middle class wage #and sometimes i wonder if i am chasing a pipe dream trying to accomplish that with art #but throughout all my life art is the only thing i can dedicate full time hours to #and i’ve considered other career paths but those require college degrees #and i barely graduated high school and then dropped out of college twice #i struggle immensely with many things like school and jobs and maintaining friendships #and art has always been my refuge where i can really shine #i have a lot of emotions tied up with the goal of making a career out of it #but to be honest i could stand to take a step back... #and maybe even pursue some therapy for the anxiety around this because it’s been tough #anyways thank you again to the anons i got #and thank you to whoever is reading this #i think it’s important to share feelings with others even if they’re negative #because we are all very human and none of us are alone

[montanabohemian]

so yesterday i had someone comment on a post i made on IG telling me how "offended" they were because i'd simply ended my post with the phrase "end the occupation and free palestine." so much of what they said was actually insane racist islamophobic bullshit and they managed to end their comment by calling all muslims terrorists and literally parroted the "they want to kill americans" fucking horseshit.

the person that made this comment was by someone i've literally known since grade school. i'm not close friends with them but i've gotten to know them over the years and never once thought they'd say anything like this. i actually thought it was a bot account for like a full minute.

i'm sadly not surprised at the rhetoric because that's where we are. we're right back to twenty years ago during the post 9/11 / war in iraq / war on terror fervor kicked off. i'm just. i had to fight this shit twenty years ago and here we are all over again, except this time with the added benefit of fucking social media.

if simply saying "free palestine" is so inflammatory for you, then that is your fucking problem to work through.

#this person commented a couple more times after i called them out on their racist remarks #including trying to pull the 'you support baby killers' bullshit #to which i said if you really condemn the murder of children #then by god you'd better be condemning israel who's been murdering them all fucking year. and last year. and every year. #and now this person has sent me multiple DMs trying to backtrack their fucking bullshit #and i haven't even read all of them because i don't have the energy for that. i just don't. #like until you retract your racist bullshit and apologize for it #then i am not giving you the time of day #i don't know you guys #i am not ready for this bullshit all over again; i mean i think all last week i was experiencing some trauma response to it #and by that i mean i dealt with this 20 years ago when i was in high school when i was one of maybe five out of 1500 that actively spoke ou #i don't remember any of my classmates ever saying anything to me; or if they did they certainly backed down if i challenged them on it #it came from the adults in my life – including teachers #when you're 15 years old and literally called a terrorist simply because you stand up and say 'hey this is a bad idea' #and when you are constantly bombarded with commentary about how all middle eastern people and all muslims are terrorists because ... ???? #and when you are watching people get harassed and assaulted every single day simply because they *might* be arab because the government ... #... and the media said it was okay to do that #i don't know i guess i never realized it'd affected me until i started seeing the EXACT. SAME. RHETORIC. used *today* #and i'm just a white girl in montana like i can't even fathom the depths of pain this brings on POC who deal with this daily for years #it's just so devastating to see how quickly everyone has jumped on this 'let's kill all the muslims and arabs' train ALL OVER AGAIN #and seeing the horrifying responses by governments to shut down any pro-palestine speech or detain anyone who fucking looks palestinian #like this is just so so so so so so so so so so so so so bad #AND I'M ANGRY AND TIRED AND I NEED TO FUCKING SCREAM AND I'D LIKE TO SCREAM AT BIDEN FOR SUPPORTING GENOCIDE #sorry this is such a personal dump #i just needed to get it out there for my mental health ahahaha man i don't even know #i've already lost two close friends because they were upset that a palestinian on the news didn't condemn hamas in the way they wanted #like they're literally only qualifying palestinians by how they condemn others and not listening to what they're trying to fucking tell you #which is that the occupation and forced displacement of palestinian people is the root cause

[unpretty]

a fact about me is that i was an early bloomer who hit puberty in elementary school and was immediately, obnoxiously horny in ways that were uncomfortable for everyone because no one is prepared for an elementary schooler with b cups and a deep fascination with movies where people get tied up. another fact is that because i was considered smart for my age in the ways that mattered, i just accepted all this as a single package, the many ways that i was not really a child the way other children were children but was instead a miniature adult. i was technically a child, but not really, as far as i was concerned. it also did not occur to me until around high school that i was fat, because i instead considered myself to be sturdy, to be buff, to be built like a tank.

so somewhere around middle school i am noticing the ways in which i am Not Like Other Girls, the ways in which i am not what society says a girl is and the ways that things marketed to girls do not appeal to me. i don't know how other girls dealt with this, but i very rationally decided that i was only technically a girl, in the way that i was only technically a child. so i looked at the things that did appeal to me, and that i did enjoy, and reverse engineered my demographic to decide that on a practical and functional level i was a middle-aged man. i had also gotten really hornily into wolverine because of the first x-men movie, and ended up reading a lot of comics, so as you can imagine the comic book version of wolverine who is short and built like a tank and older than he looks despite being for all intents and purposes a middle aged man really had some appeal to me.

there are idiots who say shit about how tomboys would be considered trans these days or whatever, but i can assure you that was not what was happening here. by middle school i already had to special order bras and i was fine with that because of the many weird fetishes i was developing, none of which can be blamed on the internet because i hadn't found that shit yet and also to this day you would have a hard time finding anything similar to the things i wrote in my secret notebook and immediately destroyed. the fact that i was technically a girl was vital to all this. media where there was a big reveal that some cool dude had been a hot chick the whole time was my shit. weird feral beast people who turned out to be hot women once they took a bath? fuck yes. i would never have cut my hair because that would have ruined my chances to take off a helmet and reveal that i had girl hair. at no point did i think i was anything but a girl, it was just that i was functionally a middle-aged man, who was a girl.

what this means is that i still liked all the things i already liked, such as leather jackets and comic books and anime and old stand-up comedy, but i also did extensive research on the other things i felt i should like according to the demographic i had assigned myself. i watched vh1's 'i love the 70s' with the air of someone trying to hide their amnesia, even though my parents were children in the 70s. i got into the beatles. i tried to get into cars for a while before accepting that i only liked the vintage car aesthetic and couldn't be fucked to know actual car facts. i wore nothing but cargo shorts and aloha shirts for a while, which didn't really stand out that much because it was middle school. i bought a fedora and became a libertarian atheist. i made plans to buy a motorcycle (i could not ride a bike).

i gave up on it after a while because quite frankly my titty situation meant there was never really going to be a big reveal that i'd been a girl the whole time. it was pretty obvious even with the cargo shorts. also the older of a teen i was, the more likely it felt that i could maybe get laid, except i could tell that was never going to happen as long as i kept wearing cargo shorts. it took longer to give up the fedora because it was leather and i wore it with my leather jacket and fingerless gloves, which i convinced myself worked a lot better after i'd gone full high school goth. i lived in the desert so you can imagine how well that worked out for me, smell-wise.

anyway that's how my female socialization went, i don't think it was particularly successful tbqh

#original #the funniest part to me is the vh1 thing #i watched so much vh1 while inexplicably behaving as if i was already familiar with everything i was seeing

[inkskinned]

at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"

like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.

"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."

... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.

and i'd still keep writing.

i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.

i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley

"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"

and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.

it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.

you create because you're greedy.

#every time someones like ''AI will replace u" im like. u will have to fucking KILL ME #there is no replacement here bc i am not filling a position. i am just writing #and the writing is what i need to be doing #writeblr #this probably doesn't make sense bc its sooo frustrating i rarely speak it the way i want to #edited for the typo wrote it and then was late to a meeting lol #i love u people who mention my typos genuinely bc i don't always catch them!!!! :) it is doing me a genuine favor!!! #my friend says i should tell you ''thank you beta editors'' but i don't know what that means #i made her promise it isn't a wolf fanfiction thing. so if it IS a wolf thing she is DEAD to me (just kidding i love her) #hey PS PS PS ??? if ur reading this thinking what it's saying is ''i am financially capable of losing this'' ur reading it wrong #i write for free. i always have. i have worked 5-7 jobs at once to make ends meet. #i did not grow up with access or money. i did not grow up with connections or like some kind of excuse #i grew up and worked my fucking ASS OFF. and i STILL!!! wrote!!! on the side!!! because i didn't know how not to!!! #i do not write for money!!!! i write because i fuckken NEED TO #i could be in the fucking desert i could be in the fuckken tundra i could be in total darkness #and i would still be writing pretentious angsty poetry about it #im not in any way saying it's a good thing. i'm not in any way implying that they're NOT tryna kill us #i'm saying. you could take away our jobs and we could go hungry and we could suffer #and from that suffering (if i know us) we'd still fuckin make art. #i would LOVE to be able to make money doing this! i never have been able to. but i don't NEED to. i will find a way to make my life work #even if it means being miserable #but i will not give up this thing. for the whole world.

[libraryofgage]

I realized Steve is absolutely that kid whose parents put him through piano lessons solely so they could have another way to show off at parties and shit. And then that thought morphed into a little Steddie plot bunny and here we are lol:

Steve doesn't know it's the last time he'll sit at the grand piano, the last time he'll press down its keys and let music fill the empty room before bleeding out into the empty house.

He doesn't know that when his parents next come home, his mother will notice how horribly out of tune the instrument is. He doesn't know that it will be sent off somewhere for repair (his parents won't tell him where, no matter how he asks, and he'll never quite understand why) and lost to him. He doesn't know his parents won't bother buying another one; it was only ever there to impress party guests when Steve sat down and played some Bach. Without those parties, company or otherwise, there's no point in getting another one: both the piano and Steve will have outlived their usefulness.

He doesn't know that he'll be storing away his sheet music, carefully placed into folders and in a waterproof box for safekeeping. He doesn't know that he'll soon become too consumed by high school and dating and monsters to idly write down notes on a staff. He doesn't know that when he's swinging a nail-ridden bat in the future (to destroy monsters, sure, but destruction is destruction, right?) he'll ache with the pain of missing the act of creation as a means of stress relief.

He doesn't know any of that, so Steve sits down at the grand piano with a soft smile, gently trailing his fingers over the keys before lining them up in the Middle C-position. He runs through a few warm-ups, letting muscle memory take him away, so he doesn't have to think. Without another thought, he seamlessly transitions into idly playing, bits and pieces of everything he remembers and songs he's heard blending together.

Mozart's Air morphs into Beethoven's Fur Elise into Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody. It doesn't all sound good together, but that's not the point when Steve plays by himself. All that matters is letting his brain shut off for a bit, letting the notes and echoes mingle together to create something new and joyful.

After two hours on the piano, his wrists are aching; he always forgets to hold them in the proper position when he plays alone. But it's a good ache, one that reminds him of the music still dancing around in his brain.

Steve takes a deep breath and slowly releases it, feeling the last of his tension dissipate. He lets his hands linger on the piano for a little longer before standing and leaving the room, tragically unaware of his imminent and unavoidable loss.

--------

Steve is sprawled across an old couch in Gareth's garage, reading Eddie's well-loved copy of Lord of the Rings. He'd promised to at least give it a go, and he had to admit he was looking forward to finally understanding some of the references Hellfire Club and the kids make. His progress is slow, but he's almost halfway through after two weeks of work. Reading while Corroded Coffin practices helps; the background noise of their music is perfect, letting him ignore all other sounds and focus.

Of course, that's provided they actually play continuously instead of starting the same song over and over only for Eddie to stop them halfway through. When it happens for the sixth time, Eddie growls in frustration, tugging harshly at a lock of hair. "It still sounds wrong!" he cries, dropping into a crouch while cradling his guitar close.

"Stopping us halfway through isn't helping," Gareth points out, idly twirling a drumstick as he watches Eddie's lament.

"Do you know what's wrong yet?" Asher asks.

Steve can longer focus on Lord of the Rings. Instead, he places the book on his chest and looks at the band to watch how this plays out. Eddie scowls and looks up at Asher. "Unfortunately, Ashy Baby, no."

Jeff, meanwhile, has locked eyes with Steve. And because Jeff knows the perfect way to get Eddie off their asses is to get him on Steve's instead, he says, "Why don't you ask Harrington what he thinks?"

Eddie whips around to look at Steve, eyes wide and hopeful. He doesn't even bother standing from his crouch, instead waddling his way over to Steve and testing his ability to hold back laughter at the sheer ridiculousness of the sight. "Stevie, baby, sweetheart, lover boy, please tell me that wonderful brain of yours has an idea so your favorite boyfriend can finish this rocking song."

"You're my only boyfriend."

"Which automatically makes me your favorite," Eddie points out, grinning as he leans closer. With Steve still laying down, Eddie's the perfect height in his crouch to kiss him. He lingers for a few seconds before pulling away, and Steve knows his own smile matches the dopiness of Eddie's.

"Have you considered adding a piano?" Steve asks.

"None of us know how to play," Asher says, and Steve would look at him if Eddie's face and hair and shoulders and everything weren't filling his entire line of sight.

Without thinking, Steve hums and says, "I do."

"Do what?" Eddie asks.

"Know how to play piano."

There's a silence that follows his sentence, one that makes Steve's stomach lurch as he wonders if he's maybe fucked up the shaky peace and friendship he's finally managed to build with the other members of Corroded Coffin. He doesn't know how his words might have done it, but he's scrambling to somehow take them back when Eddie slaps a hand over his mouth, the bands of his rings pressing against Steve's lips.

"Gareth, you still got that keyboard?" he asks, keeping his eyes locked on Steve. There's a light dancing in them like he's just discovered magic is real, like Steve has amazed him beyond imagination.

With a grunt, Gareth gets up from his drums and steps into his house. The rest of them stay in silence while waiting, Eddie refusing to remove his hand no matter how much Steve licks his palm. When he finally gives up and just glares at Eddie, his boyfriend grins brightly back.

"It's a little dusty, but it'll work fine," Gareth says when he comes back, and Eddie finally moves his hand and body, allowing Steve to see Gareth setting up a keyboard a few feet away from his drums.

"Okay, sweetheart," Eddie says, taking the book from Steve and carefully setting it aside before pulling him off the couch, "you've heard the song enough. Play what's missing."

Steve hesitates before walking over to the keyboard. Eddie sticks to him like a shadow, sliding his arms around Steve from behind once he's standing in front of the white and black keys. An odd nervousness churns in Steve, tugging at his spine and making his palms clammy, but he knows it would be much worse without Eddie there. If he had to play in front of the band without feeling like anyone was on his side, he'd probably just throw up instead.

"It, uh, it's been a while," he says quietly, easily falling into the muscle memory of tracing the keys and finding Middle C and dancing his fingers through warm-ups despite his words.

Eddie squeezes him tighter as Jeff asks, "Since you've played? Why?"

Memories of his grand piano rise in Steve unbidden, overwhelming him in a rush of longing for the instrument itself and the relaxation of playing. "My parents paid for lessons and had me play at company parties. They, uh, sent it off to be tuned, but it got damaged, and they didn't get another one."

"That sucks, Stevie," Eddie murmurs, soft and reassuring and Steve suddenly feels far more confident.

He looks up at Jeff. "Can you start playing again?" he asks, flashing a grateful smile when Jeff nods and starts strumming the song's opening notes.

Steve listens closely, breathing in the tune he's heard so many times and letting it take hold. He doesn't allow himself to actually think, letting Jeff's guitar and Eddie's arms and hair and scent drown out everything else. Before he knows it, he's playing a hesitant tune that grows with confidence as he follows the song laid out before him. He's always a measure behind, chasing the guitar's echoing notes as they fade.

He and Jeff make it through the whole song without Eddie telling them to stop. When the final notes of guitar and piano echo together, the latter still chasing the former even at the end, Steve is shaking with excitement and anxiety and grief and joy.

He lets out a slow breath, feeling tension he didn't even realize had lingered for so long finally draining from his shoulders and dissipating. Steve can also feel Eddie's face pressed against his neck, a smile searing into his skin as Eddie squeezes him even tighter.

"I love you so fucking much, Stevie, that's exactly what was missing," Eddie says, his words the only warning he gives before pulling Steve away from the keyboard and off his feet and spinning him around. His surprised yelp quickly morphs into laughter that still lingers even after Eddie has set him down again.

Gareth and Jeff and Asher have already started discussing how the other parts of the song might change with the addition of a keyboard, but Steve is too busy turning in Eddie's arms and kissing his smile away to pay them any mind. He can worry about inevitably being roped into the band's practices later, after he and Eddie are breathless and flushed and smiling bright.

#steddie fic #Steddie #Steve Harrington #Eddie Munson #Corroded Coffin #Stranger Things #My writing #I got this plot bunny and fucking ran with it