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lovelybrittxo · 4 years

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where do I even start?

I’m literally only writing this for myself since typing a whole novel out on the computer is way easier than writing this in a physical journal which is what I normally do. I come to Tumblr though when I have way too much to say and don't know how to say it. I just need to get it off my chest before I blow up. so here it goes...

shall we start at the beginning? I grew up in a decently religious household. my mom, sister and I went to church almost every Sunday with all our aunts and uncles. don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and whatnot and I wouldn't change my upbringing in the church for anything. but it may have suppressed my views on the world. something my aunt said to me a few years ago has stuck to brain ever since and I can't seem to shake it. she told me that she actually believes that being gay is a sin and that you can love the sinner but not the sin. so like, she believes if you're gay, you can be gay but don't act upon it/the sin. she believes, for example, that being trans is a mental illness. like, I just can't wrap my head around that. and honestly, she spoke with so much conviction and “sense” that she actually had me fooled to think the same way for a hot second. and then to learn that my other “cool” aunt also believes this... kinda sad. both of those aunts have literally talked down upon family (and our family is very tight knit) and people they love... what would they do if they ever found out about me?

ive felt a lot of feelings ever since I was young. mostly towards males... but also towards females. I just thought the female part was me wanting to be like them or be their friend and just have them like me and accept me as a chill person to be around. but fast forward to a couple years ago. I was bombarded (in a good way) by social media flaunting (in a good way lol) different sexualities and things. its hard to describe but that “world” was just becoming more prominent to me I guess.

I started to try and put my religious upbringing in the background so I could focus on trying to figure out who I really was. ive been doing this for at least a couple years now. and although im still trying to really figure it out, right now half way through 2020, I think im getting closer to an answer. and guess what has helped me the most? tiktok lmao! no but for real, the internet is an amazing place for discovery in any form. after I started to get into real communities online (like kpop and penpaling) i’ve never felt more connected to the internet and it allowed me to try and find real personal help... if that makes any sense. i’ve just tried to put myself out there and not just google my feelings but piece together a map from asking real people over the Internet here and there to try and figure out who I am.

sometime last year (or maybe earlier) I found a YouTube video of a popular creator retelling her coming out story. I just randomly commented on the video about how I had been feeling, not to get a reply but just to comment. but then I actually got a real reply (not from the creator but still a nice person). they said something along the lines of me basically being bicurious. I had never in my life heard of such a word and I had thought that this person was just making it up. one google search later I found out it was a real thing. although at the time of first looking it up I was still very confused about the word... still kinda am? lol. however, just a couple weeks ago I had seen a post somewhere (an ad I think selling pride flags) saying there was an official bicurious flag. I was in shock. I thought it was a scam, but its not, it’s real (I just don't think it’s talked about very often cause it doesn't seem like a solid sexuality that you can claim your entire life). but anyway.

now what i’m gonna say next I don't want to come off in the wrong way (you nonexistent person reading this lol), but I feel like dating a trans person brought me into that “world” a bit more. like, i had literally never met anyone who was trans before him or anyone who was gay or used a they/them pronoun... never. but in his world, all of that was common and normal. and this is where I don't want to come off wrongly... I don't wanna make it seem like because I dated a trans person i’m qualified to be included in the LGBT community now or to talk about LGBT stuff or whatever. I just think because I dated him, it opened up my shallow world a bit. especially because he’s open about it (on a side note I always loved looking at his huge trans flag above his bed. that was the first flag I had really ever memorized because of him. besides the rainbow one obviously lol). like, his best friend uses they/them pronouns, and although i’ve always been aware of that, i’ve only ever seen things about it through YouTube videos and whatnot. I had never had to actually use those pronouns for anyone I knew in real life until I met his best friend. like, everything I knew about that “world” had only been through online researching/consuming. i’d never experienced it in real life before.

I remember one night we talked about it a little. I knew he was bisexual and so I asked him if he’d ever dated a guy. he asked me if I would ever date a girl and i just said that I had always thought about it and that my tinder profile was set to find both genders. then we talked about pride since it was at the beginning of quarantine and we didn't know if parades were still gonna happen or not yet. he said I could always go as an ally because I told him I felt ashamed and like I shouldn't be allowed to attend a pride parade. (of course he reassured me I can go and he wasn't shocked about me liking both genders at all...he just said ‘nice’ lol)

I still have a little inkling in the back of my mind that I still shouldn't be able to attend though. honestly because I don't know what I would be attending as. I feel like an imposter. I don't want people thinking that im doing all this for attention or just because I dated one person in the LGBT community. i’ve been struggling with this for so long... but it just so happens that now at 27 years old im coming to terms with who I am. I just feel like because I didn't figure it out earlier that I’m not “worthy” of being included. I feel like such an outsider because no one’s “invited” me in yet lol because im still trying to figure it out.

and on the same note, I don't feel like i’m worthy because I still really don't have a solid answer. at the moment I just use bicurious because ive never dated a girl before. the trans guy ive been talking about has been the only person i’ve ever been romantically involved with. im serious. I made it 26 years without being with anyone in any type of way. I feel like I don't have the right to call myself bisexual. however, I feel a tiny bit more confident in using that label maybe after I do end up dating a girl in the future and not feel guilty about using it because that same guy calls himself bisexual but told me right out one day that he’s way more attracted to girls than guys and im in the same situation but opposite. the only difference at this point in time is that he’s dated both and I haven't. but thennnn on the other hand, do I even need to label myself at all right now??

even if I did wanna come out, I don't wanna do it until I really have a solid answer about my identity. i just feel like such a fraud or something because im trying to figure it out so late. and like, im going so over the top with my support this year because I feel like I should fit in and maybe im trying too hard? again, I just don't want people thinking its because I dated one trans guy and all of a sudden im huge into the LGBT community. it’s not like that. all of this is just helping me bring out my true self. ugh this is the part where it gets confusing to put into words. i’m aware and I have pure intentions. im just trying to figure out myself after a long time of trying to figure out myself lol

some days the research is overwhelming. there's so many facts and opinions and different people’s stories and labels. as crazy as it sounds I just want someone who’s been gay their whole life to come up and tell me “yup, your bisexual no doubt” lol or something like that. I guess I just want to be validated in my exploration. and i’ve seen random tiktok comments saying stuff like that, that validates me, but the difference is that their comments aren’t directed specifically to me. they don't know me personally. it’s hard to have a random social media comment resonate with me. honestly, and this may sound selfish and not right, but when I was talking to the guy I was seeing, I almost wish he just told me straight out what I was that day. but instead he said I could go to Pride as an ally. and that was probably just him being respectful and not forcing me to be anything, but it almost had the opposite effect on me. by saying I was an ally it felt like he was giving me that permanent label even after telling him I like guys and girls.... ya know?

something recently happened to me that really stuck with me and I was so happy. I have a penpal who is very southern Texas raised religious. she knows the Bible better than I do. I had posted a Pride doodle I did on my Instagram at the beginning of this month and she was the only one who personally responded with an encouraging and supportive dm. if she can support whole heartedly the LGBT community and still love God, then why can't I?? and that's when I trulyyyy knew that I was right and my aunt’s were wrong and I wasn't going insane lol

I wanted to buy a bicurious or pride flag recently. but then was torn when I saw the ally flag (which I also didn't know existed until recently) and the bisexual flag. I know they're just flags but it feels so solid?? like you buy one when you know what you are.... and I don't yet. so I ended up not buying one at all :/

again, there was no purpose to this post because I know no one is going to read it but I just had to type it out into the world so I didn't have to bottle it up anymore.

#lgbt #pride #pride 2020 #lgbt community #bisexual #bi curious #trans #transgender #questioning #sexuality #coming out #me #personal

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grenawitka · 4 years

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I was tagged by @u-okay-hen- thank you! 💛💛

1. What is the color of your hair brush? i had a red one, but it broke. and now im using my parents that is black and purble but i just ordered one that is made of wood and another ne that is light blue.

2. Name a food you never eat? im very picky with what i eat so the list is long

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? too warm

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? daydreaming about the life ill never have lmao

5. What’s your favorite candy bar? i like a lot of candies

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game? no, the only other sport i like besides hockey is fútbol (football or soccer), but the fans get a little aggressive after the games, and shockingly enough i wouldnt like to die out there, so no, i havent.

7. what was the last thing you said out loud? ella es tan linda (she’s so sweet) (about my tutor being the nicest person on earth)

8. What is your favorite ice cream? its a bar of chocolate that they made an icecream. its called sahne-nuss and its delicious

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? a glass of coca-cola (coke, whatever you guys call it)

10. Do you like your wallet? yeah, i guess. its plain black, i like black.

11. What was the last thing you ate? a banana

12. Did you buy any new clothing last week? i bought a corey perry jersey, because hes my king👑

13. What’s the last sporting event you watched? stars winning game 5. lets go for game 6 tonight!!

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? sweet

15. Who was the last person you sent a text to? nh-ell! shouout to my girls💖

16. Ever go camping? not technically. every summer, me and my cousins set a tent in my backyard and we spent the night but i dont think the world would count it as camping, even tho we totally do lol.

17. Do you take your vitamins? im not exactly trilled with the idea of living so why try and be healthy to make it longer 😌😌

18. Do you regularly attend a place of worship? no

19. Do you have a tan? nope, we just got rid of winter here.

20. Do you prefer chinese or pizza? ive never had chinese food, and pizza is the best invention EVER

21. Do you drink soda through straws? not really but i actually like drinking from straws. reusable ones - LETS SAVE THE PLANET YALL

22. What color socks do you usually wear? i was just gifted a huge amount of socks of all colors and i am living my best life right now

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit? i can barely drive

24. What terrifies you? losing the people i love, but i guess we all fear that

25. Look to your left, what do you see? my wallet, which reminds me i owe my dad money for buying me the corey perry jersey

26. What chore do you hate the most? i hate aking my bed but i love when my bed is made. i guess is the price to pay.

27. What do you think when you hear an australian accent? i think about a movie where a group of friends go into the middle of nowhere in australia and when they go back to their homes the world was at war. i cant remember the name of the movie, it wasnt good either, but the trauma of that happening stayed with me. also chris hemsworth.

28. What’s your favorite soda? coca-cola. i think americans call it coke. nothing better than something that kills your liver

29. Do you ever go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive thru arent very popular in my country. i mean, they exist but we usually dont use them.fast food places are where is at

30. What’s your favorite number? 27

31. Who’s the last person you talked to? my mom

32. Favorite cut of beef? whatever is eatable, idk. i just eat it

33. last song you listened to? punto y aparte by morat 🎼

34. Last book you read? guys, i dont read, stop asking me this 🙃

35. Favorite day of the week? friday’s but only at night because i have classes in the morning. friday’s are ussually family day - we all gather and we dance, drink, sing and do something stupid. i love my family.

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? if im drunk enough i can do whatever 💯

37. How do you like your coffee? i dont drink coffe

38. Favorite pair of shoes? i just bought a pair of brown boots, and theyre so fluffy and warm and pretty, but dont wear them because im in lockdown :(

39. Time you normally get up? 8:00am, but only because i have classes either way it would probably be at 1pm. i love my sleep😌

40. Do you prefer sunrise or sunset? sunset

41. Describe your kitchen plates? a have a few that are plain white, others have an organge adge, others have flowers, others have blue and red stripes. i own a lot of plates

42. How many blankets are on your bed? 4, we just reached spring in my country, so its still a little bit chilly down here in chile

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment? white, with a table... i dont know how to describe places, sorry😅

44. Do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? i change favorite drink, like i change socks but right now im really into diaquiris. also, i like making my own drinks.

45. Do you play cards? yes, tho i just know how to play a few type of games. i usually play with my family

46. What color is your car? my parents have a car and its black👍🏻

47. Can you change a tire? kinda. i struggle a little but yeah i can do it.

48. Favorite state? new york - its my dream place (i love cities. oh to ignore everyone!), tho im poor and i could never afford to live there 🙃

49. Favorite job you’ve had? i’ve never worked before

50. tagging: tagging people gives me anxiety because i think they may not like it and therefore won’t like me, and today sucks so i won’t do it (unless anybody wants to)

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weirdlizard26 · 5 years

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For the ask meme? All of them.

jay,,,

give me a sec to edit this post ok

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

wine glasses are like reading glasses except you wear them while drinking wine

i’d say water bottles but only the ones that can handle heat and stuff and not poison your drink with plastic or whatever

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

i havent had a lollipop in a good while so thats my choice

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

havent tried either but boy i’d love to try just a little bit of cotton candy at leastonce

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

bro,,,,,, that was like 10 years ago, how am i supposed to remember that,,,,,,,

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

i usually drink soda from plastic cups but honestly? nothing beats the experience of sipping that sweet sweet ambrosia from the bottle,,, but also i’d love to try soda in a can some day!

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

idk what half of these would look like but sportswear always wins in my book

7. earbuds or headphones?

ok i actually googled whats the difference and im more of an earbuds person! theyrejust safer i think and it makes me kinda anxious when im home listening tomusic and cant hear anything going on around me

8. movies or tv shows?

tv shows! well, unless the episodes are like 40 minutes or a full hour because its hard to focus for that long kfjsndkfs

9. favorite smell in the summer?

pavement after rain and also. grass.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

haha thats a funny joke you made there *starts crying*

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

just a couple of meat+cheese+mayo sandwiches! if its summer mom cuts tomatoes or cucumbers for us and as they start getting more and more expensive we replace them with pickles!

12. name of your favorite playlist?

sorry i couldnt choose!

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring!

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

aaaa i love fruit flavored ones!

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

aaaaaaaa i dont remember if it was elementary or middle school but we were assigned this really cool ukrainian book that ive actually read before they assigned it. well, nobody here will recognize it but it was Тореадори з Васюківки by Всеволод Нестайко and it was about 2 boys who were best friends growing up in the countryside and they went on adventures and had fun and their friendship made me so happy,,, i guess i was all for cool friendship portrayal even back then! it was mostly laughs and jokes but some moments were actually serious and hit me really hard and i remember them to this day actually

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

its a myth, sitting was created as a personal attack on me

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

my trusty old sneakers!! theyre all black and the sole is very soft and nice

18. ideal weather?

when the sun is out and its just warm enough to show off your new graphic tee and also very soft and nice

19. sleeping position?

i just lie on my left side like a fool

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

notebook!

21. obsession from childhood?

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!!! AND DANNY PHANTOM!!!! i even made a ghost fighting costume once,,,, tho it wasnt much of a costume, it was just fingerless gloves i cut out of paper. they were extremely uncomfortable. but very effective in fighting ghosts!

22. role model?

kfjsdnfk i have a bunch! might sound weird but one of them is bdg i think??? and the other 2 are some online acquaintances whom im too afraid to interact with more often than i do

23. strange habits?

repeating silly lines i hear on tv / in anime/cartoons? and also i never touch food with my right hand unless its plums?? and there are more but. you know. bad memory.

24. favorite crystal?

all of them!!!!!

25. first song you remember hearing?

my grandma used to sing this to me over the phone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUPnqqPXQsw

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

go for a walk!

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

slep

28. five songs to describe you?

we are the people by empire of the sun

home by cavetown

strawberry blonde by mitski

smile like you mean it by the killers

afterlife by arcade fire

29. best way to bond with you?

wash your hands very thoroughly and make jokes

30. places that you find sacred?

i see nature i go crazy from how much respect i have for it

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass andtake names?

*wearing hinata cosplay* im here to play volleyball and kick your ass and as you can see ive already played today’s match

32. top five favorite vines?

road work ahead

a avocado!! thanks!!!!!

REBECCA THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK

i fell can you help me :(

that vine where ukulele sounds like human voices and people sounds like ukuleles

33. most used phrase in your phone?

idk how to check that??? sowwy

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

the stomach meds ad they keep showing on tv

35. average time you fall asleep?

3am? 4am? idk for sure

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

t-trollface…

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

havent used either (cause ive never traveled anywhere too far away) but the latter looks pretty and i feel like it would fit more stuff

38. lemonade or tea?

depends on my mood!

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

dont kick me but im not sure if ive ever tried either ;w;

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

the school’s cat who hates most people actually kinda warmed up to me even tho im terrible with animals

41. last person you texted?

jay uwu

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

afabs cant have both huh

but i want both. please give me both.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

all of these sound nice but my lazy ass will always go for hoodies

44. favorite scent for soap?

aaaaaaaa im allergic to a lot of soaps but i like flower scented ones

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

i love all of them dearly but lately ive been more into superheroes i think. im not sure really sure what exactly i feel

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

something really really long

47. favorite type of cheese?

there are different types????

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

i hope im a pear

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

become a good person. thats all.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

i dont remember what it was but i remember i was with my friends and we couldnt stop laughing for several minutes and ive never felt happier

51. current stresses?

UNIVERSITY FUCK OFF!!!

52. favorite font?

i like comic sans

53. what is the current state of your hands?

they arent doing so hot tbh, my dermatitis is back again

54. what did you learn from your first job?

i dont have one!

55. favorite fairy tale?

gonna be honest chief, i dont remember too many of them ;w;

56. favorite tradition?

on new year’s we turn the lights off, light up a candle in the kitchen, laugh at president’s speech and only then starts eating

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

getting over a lost friendship, passing high school finals and uni entrance exams and coming out to my best friend

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

singing!! being able to learn how to do most things pretty quickly!!! and i cant think of anything else but honestly these two are quite enough for me

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

uh oh! guess what! i dont have a catchphrase and im very self-conscious about it!

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

im torn between sports anime and slice of life

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

because humans dont have wings we look for other ways to fly

from haikyuu

obviously

62. seven characters you relate to?

tsukishima kei from haikyuu

mae borowski from nitw

apollo justice from ace attorney

flame princess from adventure time

donatello from tmnt

sokka from atla

kageyama shigeo from mob psycho 100

63. five songs that would play in your club?

mr brightside, bohemian rhapsody, smile like you mean it by the killers and allof haikyuu ops and eds

64. favorite website from your childhood?

if social media counts, vkontakte i guess?? i didnt really go anywhere else and it still exists and i thriving so im not sure if it should count fkjsndkjf

65. any permanent scars?

yeah, the one from my very first vaccination from when i was a few months old i think and also some traces of when i had chickenpox

66. favorite flower(s)?

idk a lot of flower names but i really like tulips

67. good luck charms?

dont have any at the moment but i’d love to get one!

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

whatever fish mom used to buy when we were kids >:(

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

bro my memory isnt good enough to remember those,,

70. left or right handed?

im a righty but i had to become a lefty for like a month when i broke my pinkie

71. least favorite pattern?

i like traditional ukrainian ornaments

72. worst subject?

history :P

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

ice cream + fries

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

idk how pain levels work but i try not to take meds unless the pain is interfering with studying

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

idk but i had a box full of my teeth for so long they turned to dust and i had to throw it away

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

RHNGRHGNRHGRNH EVERYTHING except for freshly made mashed potatoes

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

if its green it can stay

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

have never had either of those and i hope i never will cause they sound gross!

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

i dont have a license, so.

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

kfjsndfks depends on the mood tbh!

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

fireflies!

82. pc or console?

i WISH i had a console but this is too broke for that,, i played a couple of times tho and it feels more fun than pc!

83. writing or drawing?

please dont make me choose, ive abandoned both and its making me feel bad

84. podcasts or talk radio?

podcasts :O

84. barbie or polly pocket?

idk what polly pocket is but barbie rules!!!

85. fairy tales or mythology?

i feel like sometimes fairy tales are kinda like watered down myths so i have a right to say i like both

86. cookies or cupcakes?

my heart goes to cookies

87. your greatest fear?

finding out im faking any part of my identity

88. your greatest wish?

get through whatever’s going on right now

89. who would you put before everyone else?

mom

90. luckiest mistake?

when i recorded an undertale medley and got a few notes wrong but it actually ended up sounding better than originally

91. boxes or bags?

boxes!

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

fairy lights……

93. nicknames?

never really had many? my bff calls me mr smith sometimes but thats all i can think of fkjsdnfs but also! steve used to be my nickname before i decided my life my own and i get to choose my name

94. favorite season?

spring ;w;

95. favorite app on your phone?

sudoku

96. desktop background?

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

my own and my mom’s

98. favorite historical era?

eh im not very fond of the past because not every time period had soap

#wl26 #wl26 answers #flamingerrs #jay just so you know i love you a whole lot #i really did that huh #long post

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ghostmartyr · 5 years

Text

Pokémon FireRed Nuzlocke [Part 11]

The quest continues to beat this game using standard Nuzlocke rules and the added rule of no battling outside of Trainers. Grinding is strictly forbidden. In round I-don’t-even-know of this adventure, we head to Nugget Bridge!

Yee. haw.

-many minutes later-

Well, that’s done with. Now time to go beat up on all the Trainers hanging out near Bill’s house. Also I guess time to free Bill from the Detective Pikachu nonsense he done did to himself.

This is all going to be things we’ve done before, with me nonchalantly hoping Acorn (Pikachu) makes it up to a usable level by the end.

In the spirit of mixing it up a little, I’m going to see if Acorn can handle some of the pre-Misty trainers in her Gym. Totally not because there’s a level 17 Slowpoke up there that I want him to be able to knock flat.

First trainer beat without a fuss, Acorn grows to level 16, blah blah blah, ah. The second trainer has a Goldeen, so we’ll just come back later once we’re done with the Route 24 people. ...25?

Hell, I don’t know. I barely care at this point.

It’s 25. I do not care.

I CARE A LITTLE ACORN DON’T DIE.

Acorn does not die.

I think a piece of me does.

I’m gonna take a break from battles and catch my 24/25 stuff.

Oddish for 25 ftw!

Caught it!

Its name is Oak.

Route 24 wants us to have Weedle. As penance for missing one in Viridian Forest, I assume.

...

Acorn killed it.

Am I ever going to get both a Route 24 and a Route 25 pokemon?

[doubt]

Note how the Clefairy just disappears. Detective Pikachu’s take on this is much less dark.

Alrighty. All trainers up by Bill have been dealt with, meaning that it’s time to go forth and deal with the rest of Misty’s Gym. Acorn is level 17, Oak is level 25. Oak will take on the Goldeen the remaining trainer has. Then Acorn will have a chance against Staryu, but Oak will take on Starmie.

Acorn gets an Oran Berry, Oak gets a Persim. That Starmie’s confusion rate is the worst thing about this entire Gym.

My policy is that I have four sacrificial token pokemon in my party to spare my real team members pain. I think I’m canonically a monster.

Oki doki. The Staryu is level 18, so I think Acorn should be okay against it.

Yes! Acorn survives without a scratch.

But you are not fighting the Starmie. We do not gamble with Gym battles.

-flashbacks to Brock-

...We do not gamble with. most. Gym battles.

Oak, now level 26, against a level 21 Starmie. AKA An Abomination.

Wow.

Heeeeeeeeey, second badge get!

Time to wander down to Route 5 and catch a thing.

The thing is going to be a Meowth. Its name is Oak.

This is so much easier to do when you’re not typing down every single little thing you’re doing. I’m incredibly grateful for my past self’s logs, but I’m even more grateful that they did them so I don’t have to. Going through and not bothering with anything except the highlights is a lot more pleasant.

Not replaying Route 1 is, too.

This Butterfree Supersonicing everything in sight is less fun. The Stun Spore isn’t great either. But like everything eventually, it dies.

Step 1 of figuring out what to do about Celadon.

Step 2.

Step 3.

Wow, I’m not sure I’ve ever read this entry properly before. This is incredibly mean.

(Its name is Oak.)

And with that, we have our Vermilion City catch, and no longer have to worry about Magikarp belonging to any other route. Awesome. This is much nicer than the first time we caught a thing in this city.

Route 6 is taking too long to catch things in. We’re abandoning the attempt for now.

What we are not abandoning.

Is this insanity.

The reason I bought Repels during Left’s run, and then again during this one.

I think you can catch Diglett up to level 29 here. Oak is level 27. If I put on a Repel, things stronger than him will spawn. That should mean. I can get a ridiculously overleveled Ground pokemon for free. If true, that will help immensely.

Let’s watch as whatever happens is not that.

THERE WE GO!

The risk now is that we won’t catch it, or it will kill Oak.

Bite or Water Gun. Bite or Water Gun.

Bite for first bit.

Okay, Bite does little enough that Water Gun should be safe.

This thing knows Sand Tomb. My other fear about this arrangement is that it will have abandoned Magnitude as a move. I’m hoping I’m wrong, but even if I’m not. Level 29 Dugtrio. That’s not bad, given my options.

One more Bite, then I’ll try to catch.

It also knows Mud Slap.

-worry intensifies-

It uses Dig.

What’s the last move, Dugtrio.

FUCK YEAH.

This is probably the best thing I can currently do for this run. I would very much like for nothing bad to happen, but the fact that I can make this work is already really swell.

Her name is Bark.

Bark, you will replace Oak in the party. Now let’s see.

She’s Serious, and... yeah. No Magnitude. Because Mud Slap and Sand Tomb are so much better.

It’s okay, though. We’ll get through this by being superbly overleveled. Squee. We also now have something to eat Attack IVs up for breakfast, so this is just. There is nothing bad about this.

Route 11, what’ve you got for me?

Drowzee.

It’s caught. Its name is Oak.

Now to beat up the many, many trainers on this route. In hopes of getting Acorn to know Thunderbolt. That’s at level 26. He’s at level 20 right now.

Post-Route 11?

Level 22.

Bike Voucher to drown my sorrows.

Followed by boat ride.

-many minutes later-

Acorn is level 25. Soon. Soon, the day will come. The day of reckoning. Thunderbolt is waiting. Somehow I’m always surprised by how difficult it can be to get an Electric pokemon with Thunderbolt. I think that, more than anything else, has single-handedly killed my general interest in raising Electric pokemon. It’s kind of sad. They were by far my favorite when I was a kid.

Side note unrelated to anything going on right now that might be scaring me.

Rattata with Hyper Fang is scary.

Those tiny things aren’t supposed to be dangerous.

Then.

Suddenly.

Danger.

And just in time for the Rival battle!

They’re going to have a real awkward wedding one day.

This fight is a lot simpler when my lowest level pokemon is level 26. Take notes, future self.

The Ivysaur is very, very annoying, though. Bark turns out to be my best choice for dealing with it. Not what I would call a comfort. ...Heero. I still miss you. So much.

Cut get.

Super happy fun boat trip over now.

We teach Cut to Oak, and go about our business entering the Gym and throwing all the Trainers to the ground. Acorn, Bark. I put my faith in you.

Pokemon fans, what is your least favorite Gym setup, and why is it Surge’s?

Let’s goooooooo.

Acorn will (hopefully) handle the Voltorb and Pikachu, and then leave the Raichu to Bark’s capable. whatevers.

Success on Acorn’s side.

Bark...?

Right.

Yeah, so Double Team?

Do Not Like.

Except when I use it. It’s like Sturdy, in that way.

This fight takes around ten turns for Dig to actually hit and knock the Raichu out in one blow.

Surge’s Gym: The Actual Worst.

We made it to needing Flash! Miracles do exist!

...Wait, what do I have that can learn Flash?

None of the Oaks present. :(

And this time!

This time!

I made it through the damn Diglett cave without needing to kill any for illicit exp.

Back at Cerulean, I’m gonna get my bike, but first I’m going to put Oak in the box so that Oak can come in and learn Cut and Flash.

Heading off to Rock Tunnel like a boss.

Huh, there’s an Aerial Ace TM around these here parts. I’m going to get rid of Sand Tomb on Bark (I hate Sand Tomb and everything remotely like Sand Tomb, so I can’t see myself using it) and teach her Aerial Ace. She is going to be violently fighting Fighting pokemon at some point, and the next Gym coming up is one I have nothing naturally super effective against.

Meanwhile, back in things happening, Route 9 option is a Spearow!

...tfw you don’t know how not to kill something and throwing a poke ball doesn’t work.

But we persevere and catch it!

Its name is Oak.

Route 10 shows us... Voltorb!

.zaft. ;-;

Oh whoops.

Um.

I was spamming the A-button equivalent.

Bye Voltorb, nice not knowing you. Uh. Sorry. +117 illicit exp to Bark and Acorn.

Oops.

Let’s go hide in a cave now and not examine all of that too closely.

Rock Tunnel gives us a Geodude to try not to kill! We are going to answer that call with utmost seriousness, and do whatever possible to not kill the Geodude.

Success!

Its name is Oak.

Now we undertake the long. long. long. journey through the tunnel. It’s exactly like that scene in Lord of the Rings. Just with less fire. And wizards.

This Clefairy near the end of the tunnel is trying my patience. Minimize is the worst. Letting pokemon become immobilized by love is the worst. All of this is the worst. I miss being able to set things on fire so much.

As romantic as it is that love as a status appears to be unending, fucking stop.

Cool. Nice. Great.

Playing this is sapping my struggling will to live, good grief.

Okaay.

So here’s how this plays. I think, if I were given the choice of having everything handed to me, I would go with catching one of the Snorlaxes, and catching a very high level Grimer in Celadon. That would put me at five pokemon. Six would be if I wanted to take the Hitmonlee or Hitmonchan.

I don’t know if I have the resources to make that work.

Truth be told, I still think it was possible for me to beat the Elite Four with my original team. I was overly paranoid about the wrong things, as it turned out, and made a few bad calls. But I don’t think that team was doomed to failure.

Leveling things up so they’re invincible works as a strategy, but I’m also undoubtedly handicapped with Typing. I could drag this current team through the game with no additions, and the leveling could make up for a lot. Maybe even enough to surpass my original team.

Or I could pick some more stuff up.

It’s a hard call. I do really think that throughout the entire game, I only have three realistic options for team additions, and I’m very close to having my hands on any of them. Everywhere else, the leveling is just too much of a negative. A level 25 Lapras was cool and all, but if you look at how much time went into leveling it, I’m not sure I would call having it my best option. Buying a Scyther has already been ruled out here, because it would be level 20. It would resist Fighting and make all Psychic things easier, but it would take too many resources to train.

Grimer, Snorlax, Fighting Gift.

Those are the things I can get that I feel could be a worthwhile investment.

What do I want my final team to look like? What things do I already know are going to cause problems, and how do I want to adjust for them?

Questions I get to ask after three badges. Hell. Why did I think this was a good idea?

I think what I’ll do. Ugh.

See, I think the problem is that the Fighting thing is closest to being gotten, but the Snorlax is what determines if I use it or not. If I can’t have Snorlax, the Fighting thing would be good. But I don’t find out if I’ll get the Snorlax until a bit later and argh.

For now, let’s keep things simple. We’ll go through the tower now, so Acorn and Oak are more experienced as we hit the other sections of the plot. I can’t remember if I get the Super Rod now or later, so we’ll also go down and mess with the fisher people briefly.

Tower and Rival-san first.

...Oh wait. I guess the first thing I want to do is dodge as many trainers as possible and run to Celadon for a Thunderstone for Acorn. Let’s do that.

But if we can get the Super Rod already, it would be best to do that now so we could nab a Grimer when we got there... Sigh.

No Super Rod just yet, sorry me.

Route.... uh. One we’re on while we head towards Celadon gives us a Growlithe to try and catch. ...Bark kills it. More sighing. +195 illicit exp.

Celadon reached, Tea gotten. And...

Yay!

Now to buy a ton of Lemonade.

Then we deal with the tower.

The nicest thing about Heero (that is a lie, all things about Heero were the nicest) was that we didn’t have to deal with this monstrosity.

Ivysaur is still difficult. I don’t have an actual answer to that, yet. It has perfect accuracy with its Sleep Powder so far, adding to the extreme difficulty. We get through it, though, and Oak handles the Kadabra.

Now for the rest of the tower to be taken by Acorn and Oak.

Right. We can’t yet see these, so no catching just yet.

So I lied. Acorn killed everything. Oak did not help. Sorry, Oak. Now I guess we go do the Celadon side of this. So we can then come back to the tower. So we can then figure out if we’re doing a Snorlax or a thingamajig. So we then can get a Grimer.

On and on it goes.

“I don’t sound remotely suspicious at all!”

Sigh. I hate how Levitate is a thing with certain Poison pokemon. Not naming names or anything. I’m just pointing out that my life would be much, much easier if Bark could Dig every single Poison thing in existence.

Look Ma, I made it.

Thanks in advance for giving Oak some exp, Giovanni.

Though Bark is taking the Kangaskhan. Love you Oak, but Dig is better than Water Gun. ...and it still manages to do nothing. That’s mildly scary. I have never missed Allenby so deeply.

Bark finishes it off while still in the green, though. Proving once again that leveling beats everything.

Silph Scope get, so now we can go and finish up the tower.

...I don’t think I actually have any moves that won’t kill this, so if throwing a Poke Ball doesn’t work, we’re running away.

Hm.

It used Curse. Fine, we’ll make an honest try of catching it.

...Why does every sleep-inducing move hit every single fucking time. Why. Why why why.

...

I don’t know how it’s still alive, and I feel like it shouldn’t be.

Whatever.

It’s caught.

Its name is Oak.

Hey, my past self screwed up and didn’t note if I could run away from the Marowak or not. If I can, I have to do that instead of winning extra exp.

Ah. Running away lets me leave the battle, but when I walk back forward the Marowak respawns. Fair. Guess you’ve gotta die, sad ghost.

That done with, time to rescue flute guy. He has a name, but that name is less important than that he has a flute and will determine what our final team will look like once we make use of it.

...I can’t believe I just realized that this is basically Kurt’s plot from gen 2.

We now begin the most difficult trial of the run.

The Snorlax wars.

If catching one looks like it will kill someone, I’m running from it. That goes for both of them. This is a mission of pure luck. Snorlax can kill whatever it wants. The mission is to avoid it killing my team. Accidentally killing it is cool, but if the choices are something dying or running to escape, we are running.

Pictured: Stress.

Let’s get this done with.

...This is not going to work. One Headbutt puts Bark in the orange. If it decides to make a concentrated attack instead of just sleeping, I’m in trouble. Plus, without an Allenby, all I have barely puts a dent in it.

THEN AS I AM TYPING THIS

What the actual fuck.

Welcome to the team, Trunk?

Uh.

Things I did not expect.

Oak, you’re going in the box to make room for Trunk.

Then I guess we’ll. Go get the Super Rod. Fetch Grimer. Then deal with the actual plot of the game. Huh.

Trunk is Quirky, and has Immunity, which as we learned last time, is great for Koga. So uh. What I guess I’m saying is. Nice. This puts us dangerously close to being in a pretty good place.

Lowest level thing that I’m using is level 30. That’s really, really good. So now we’re going to feed all the trainers we didn’t beat on Route 8 to Trunk, and giggle about it as we go.

Righty then, Trunk hits level 32, and we’re going to storm Erika’s Gym now.

...Why does everything put all of my stuff to sleep this round.

I also should find a more workable solution to fighting Grass pokemon at some point. I have an inkling that being overleveled isn’t going to last forever, and it’s my only real defense at the moment.

And I need to stop having Oak in up front. I’m trying to get some Sp. Atk from the Oddishes and things, but really it’s just meaning I forget and have to switch out on things like Bellsprout. EV training fails everywhere.

Seriously though, I’m using Acorn to deal with Grass things. That is not a solution. That is an abomination.

Lesgo.

Including blatant the blatant stupidity of having Acorn fight the Vileplume.

I just want my team to be its best self. Don’t judge.

VINDICATION.

Badge 4, get!

And now we fish for our Grimer. Which. tbh I don’t even know if it’ll make sense to use, but in any case, we will have it. Having things is nice.

According to Serebii, there’s a 1% chance of Grimer here. Mostly this pond just has Magikarp.

We’re going to be here a while. Especially since getting a pokemon on the hook at all is proving mighty difficult. Until a few seconds ago, I was averaging five tries per Magikarp.

-6. hours. later.-

Presenting.

The lowest level Grimer you can catch in this here pond.

Are you fucking kidding me.

-cries in the corner for six more hours-

(Sadly, only one of those descriptions of my actions is fake. Now that really wants to make me cry for six hours.)

Its name.

is.

Sap.

It joins the party. Tree goes in the box.

It is Brave.

Good for it.

Let’s call this a stopping point, shall we?

#Pokemon #Nuzlocke #Nuzlocke Challenge

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thejokersenigma · 7 years

Text

Joker x Reader - One Shot Request - No one disrespects the Queen.

Hi guys,

Some I' really excited for this piece of writing because it's my very first request! Thank you to whoever posted this for me to do by the way - I like writing for someone!

This was the request:

Could you perhaps write a oneshot fanfiction with Joker where the reader is badly anorexic? I know it's a touchy subject it's just I personally am struggling with it and feel unlovable. Most people tell me I'm a skeleton and look disgusting. If you are willing too I'd really like to read something like that as I adore your work and reading your fanfics makes me happy. If not it's understandable... Like where J realises she never eats and sees how deathly she looks and tries to help her?

First of all, I was more than happy to write this because I myself have been through anorexia and so I really wanted to cheer this anon up in anyway I could. With that in mind I do apologise if you can't relate to this fic very well, I'm sure everyone who has anorexia goes through things differently, but ive written it the way that I went through by using what I felt and what I experienced.

Other point to make, this is not exactly like what the request asked for as it focuses more on the lack of energy etc. side of it and more of just before help, not the help techniques. If you would like a one shot more on what you asked for feel free to let me know and I'd happily write it but I got caught up in this storyline in my head and didn't want to make it 10,000 words by putting in anymore than what ive done here.

But like i'd said, I'm happy to carry it on if that's something people are interested in.

Sorry about the really long blab above ^^^ I'll get on with the story now.

MASTERLIST

One-shot MASTERLIST

WARNING: TRIGGERING! Please do not read if anything about anorexia is in anyway way triggering!!!! You have been warned! Pls don't put yourself through pain to read this! xxxxxx

You've been warned!

When I looked at my phone, the clock read nearly 4:30am.

There was a dim light in the room, the summer sun already having risen. I could feel a presence behind me as I lay in bed, and a quick glance over my shoulder confirmed my suspicions – my boyfriend was home.

He hadn’t been 2 hours earlier when - yet again - I had woken up, but now I turned over to watch him, his green hair - usual so neatly styled – dishevelled and fanning out around him on his pillow, his pallor face peaceful, and, though the rings under his eyes still dark, the features on his face were softer somehow.

He was beautiful in his own way, I thought as I admired him lying there. To some people his appearance was terrifying, others found him almost intoxicating. I was one of those. His vibrant red lips, only a short distance away, were addictive and even now I wanted to reach out and trace them. His eyes, hidden though they were in the dark under his eyes lids, were a captivating blue that could pierce into you and I had to stop myself from waking him just to see them.

I didn’t get to do this often. Just be with him. He was always busy doing something, sometimes I wondered if he acknowledged my existence at all or if I was just a convenience, available when he needed me, but otherwise not there.

When we were together I still didn’t feel like we stopped to savour anything, he was always such an urgent person, he didn’t savour many things. So I liked times like this, even is he wasn’t really part of this. I felt like I could step back and just admire him.

As I revelled in his perfectness, I couldn’t help the thoughts now turning to how much I wasn’t perfect. How I was nothing like the man before me. Personality or beauty.

So why was I here?

Why was I the one lying next to him in this huge queen-sized bed in his penthouse?

Was I just a convenience?

I was always waiting for the day he didn’t bring me back here. Or the day he just turned a gun on me. You’d think I’d be scared that this was technically a possibility, but it was weird, I had never felt in danger with him. He clearly trusted me, I thought as I watched his chest rise and fall rhythmically, or else he wouldn’t put himself in such a vulnerable position with me.

But why?

There was nothing about me particularly enticing, nothing to draw someone in – I was a plain girl, untalented, chubby, ungraceful and nothing compared to what he could have.

The minute I once more turned my thoughts down this path, I could feel the invasive thoughts taking other once again, That’s right. The voice said to me, you need to be better. They were right and I was now painfully aware of how many hours I had been lying in the bed. I had to be better.

I rolled back over, sitting up and about to swing my legs over the edge when I felt a strong, muscular arm wrap around my waist and pull me backwards.

My head landed on the Joker’s solid chest and I heard the sleepy mumble close to my ear. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Can’t sleep.” I replied, pulling against his restraint. The voice in my head was louder now. Demanding. I needed to be on my feet now or else I was lazy. Failing.

I pulled against my restraint, almost violently, and J wasn’t expecting it so he released me. I moved back to the end of the bed, immediately pushing myself to my feet. I hugged my arms against myself, instantly freezing when I got out of the warm bed - even in the middle of July. I noticed movement behind me and I turned to see the Joker making a move to get out of bed as well.

“No J.” I told him, leaning over my side of the bed and placing my hand on his chest – immediately the invasive thoughts were back, battling with each. Was this bad? Am I using energy if I’m not supporting my full weight on my legs? But I’m using my arm muscles to keep myself up – so that’s alright – I’m just using different muscles. “You need to sleep.” I said, trying not to show the inner battle inside me.

“And so do you doll.” He retorted grumpily.

“I went to bed early.” I lied, watching him carefully, begging him in my mind to believe me. “J, I’m fine.” I insisted, “Just because I can’t sleep doesn’t me you shouldn’t.” He stared back at me, his eyes clear and penetrating even in the darkness of the room and I was worried he would see through my lie and put up a fight.

He dropped back down onto the bed without a word, turning over so he wasn’t facing me. That hurt a bit, but I was glad he was letting me go. I didn’t hang around, leaving him to get some rest as I walk out the room in silence, grabbing and jumper and then closing the door as quietly as possible behind me.

I wandered from room to room slowly as I pulled my hoody over my head – it was 2 sizes too big for me now.

I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I had all these extra hours now that I didn’t sleep as long, yet nothing to do with them.

I tried to remember what I used to do, but few things appealed to me anymore.

I remembered I used to read a lot, book after book – sometimes finishing a huge novel in a day if I got really into it. Now nothing seemed to hold my attention for long – it was too much effort to get invested in a book and pay attention to it.

I remembered once wanting to write. Now had no imagination, and no will to sit at a computer for hours at a time. Besides I couldn’t now - I would have to stand.

Instead I turned to one of the few activities that I found myself enjoying now – so much so it was what usually got me through the day – watching the cooking channel.

It sounded lame, but for some reason I loved it and found it fascinating. I made my way to the living room, switching on the TV, not surprised when it was already on the right channel (J didn’t watch much TV – he was too busy). And so I watched rerun after rerun of a cooking competition, enthralled in the concoctions and the food porn on the screen.

I didn’t sit on the expensive sofas that graced the high-end flat though, instead I stood, leaning on the back of the chair until I realised maybe I ought not to be leaning – the voice telling me that it wasn’t doing enough – and I reluctantly pushed myself up so that my leg supported my full weight, my feet already protesting.

No pain, no gain, I thought, shifting my weight from foot to foot to try to relieve the ache a bit. After a while I pulled out my phone and returned to my second favourite pastime – looking at websites for health tips, weight loss tricks and recipes.

I don’t know how long I stood there flicking through tabs and watching Jamie Oliver teach me to roast a Turkey just right (it was a Christmas special on in the middle of July) – probably at least an hour before I couldn’t ignore the pain in my feet anymore and I needed to move.

So I switched to the last thing in my repertoire of hobbies – cooking.

So the rest of the my very early morning was spent cooking up a breakfast for J and any henchman that had to stop by the flat for business.

The oven clock read 8am when I finally allowed myself to have my first meal of the day. (I was ready to eat at 7:56, but it had to be exactly 8 before I allowed myself anything – otherwise the voice told me I’d get too hungry too quickly). I prepped my food – an apple – cut into the thinnest slices I could manage so I felt like I was eating more – and weighed it – 50g = 26 calories. I typed this into my calorie counting app on my phone then proceeded to remove 10g from the scales and threw them into the bin - just to be safe that I wasn’t definitely eating no more than 26 calories.

When I had remeasured the food at least 2 more times to check it was definitely the number I had read I finally allowed myself to sit down on one of the kitchen stools and eat.

I ate away at the thin pieces of fruit, trying my best to eat slowly and make the most of the food, cursing to myself that I couldn’t have waited until later to eat. The problem with getting up early was I had to acknowledge the hunger earlier - if I managed to sleep later, I could eat later. That then meant that got hungry later and might even be able to skip lunch.

I suddenly felt a shiver wrack through my body even with my oversized jumper and thick pyjamas, and I yearned for a hot drink to warm me up a bit. I could smell the coffee beans that J had from the other side of the room. Even as I considered the temptation of making a cup I was doing the calculations in my head. I couldn’t afford the calories – all 2-9 of them (depending on who you asked) I always counted each cup as 18 calories because that was the highest result I had gotten when I had searched it and I couldn’t risk being wrong.

So instead I stood back up, my feet immediately sore again, and boiled the kettle, pouring myself a mug of hot water. This would do I thought as I sipped at the hot water. It felt wonderful.

My breakfast finished, and still no movement from J, I thought about what to do now. Today was my day off my usual work out – but that didn’t mean it was my day off exercise. I didn’t want to wake J up, but I needed to get out of my pyjamas so I dug around till I found the pile of laundry, clean but not ironed.

I changed in a bathroom down the hall, pulling a fleece over my goosebump riddled arms. I couldn’t believe it was July. Must be global warming or something.

I took the private elevator down to the ground floor and then headed across the large entrance way to the exit. I got a few weird looks on the way out of the building but most of the people around at this time of morning on a Tuesday were business men rushing to meetings and I was too self-conscious to keep much of my gaze higher than the floor immediately in front of me.

I said I would go for a walk. Told myself I would. But I knew I was really going for a run. The good thing about running was – besides the obvious calorie burning – I could run past people before I caught them staring at me.

I started running the minute I stepped onto the pavement. I ran and ran until I couldn’t anymore. Then I would slow to a walk for a few moments before I ran again. I continued this the whole run. I couldn’t run any less than the last time – it always had to be the exact same or more. If it was more – then I would have to meet that next time.

I ran for a good hour. 1:13 to be exact. I did a circuit so I ended up back at the suite.

It was only when I walked back into the pent house, still catching my breath, that I realised the door to the bedroom was open and, when I looked in, the bed was empty. J must have finally got up and probably now working – I wondered if he found the food I’d made him.

I moved to the bathroom, turning on the shower and undressing, having to pause for a moment when I felt a wave of light-headedness wash over me. I sat on the side of the large bath tub, soon letting myself slip off and sink to the tiled floor, my knees folded into my chest and my head in my hands as I tried to breathe evenly, momentarily terrified something bad was happening to me.

I kept breathing myself through it – maybe I’d been overdoing it recently? After a few moments, everything felt fine once more and I pushed myself wearily to my feet – the voice in my head only justifying that I could sit that long thanks to the run I had just done.

Standing upright made me feel woozy again but I persevered anyway, slipping into the shower and moving slowly until I felt a bit better – though it was probably the speed I always moved. Everything I did was now was slow. But everyone had days like that right? When you didn’t have the energy or motivation to move any faster than one slow pace. That was just life – I just happen to do it a lot lately – but was it really slow after all – was I just being silly?

As I stood pondering this I felt cold arms wrap my stomach. I flinched at the contact on an area I felt sensitive about, gasping in surprise, at jumping at the cold touch. “Jeez, doll, this water is boiling.” I spun around to come face to face with the Joker still fully clothed, behind me.

“What are you doing?” I asked in disbelief looking at his shirt which hung open as though he had been in the middle of getting dressed, the water now soaking into the sleeves.

“Trying to see if my little kitten wanted to get hot in a different way then pouring lava on her skin.” He growled teasingly with a wide grin on his face, his hands trailing over my skin and making me goose bump in a non-sexual way. I couldn’t help but shiver against him.

“Ooo doll, do that again.” The Joker purred, pulling me closer so I was pressed against his muscular chest, his cold skin against mine seeming to pull the heat from my body.

“No, J.” I said almost harshly, pushing away from him and stepping back under the powerful shower, hugging my arms to myself and embracing the heat that washed over me.

“Excuse me, doll?” Asked J incredulously, his grin dropping and his eyes becoming dark – like they did when anyone refused him something. But I trusted him to control himself around me.

“I’m sorry J,” I apologised none the less - I didn’t like disappointing him. “I’m just not in the mood.”

He grumbled something indistinctly, his eyes still dangerous, and left in a huff. I was left standing alone in the shower, even colder than before.

We didn’t really clash for the rest of the day – mostly, I believed, because J did his usual of shutting himself away in the office all day as he carried out his business.

Our relative peace only lasted till that evening however, when J asked invited me to go with him to the club for the evening.

“No thanks, J.” I said, giving my familiar answer as I lounged on the sofa (my first sit down in over 2 hours).

He frowned, his eyes darkening immediately again, not that I noticed – I wasn’t looking at him. He didn’t say anything in reply but he didn’t move either. I had expected him to get his answer and leave – maybe in a huff, but I didn’t have the energy to care. When he didn’t however I turned my head to look at him, frowning at him in question.

“It wasn’t a request this time, doll.” He growled at me in warning.

I was shocked by what he was saying, was he forcing me to go out? “I don’t want to go, J.” I told him calmly, but with a sternness to it.

“I don’t care what you want, doll.” He purred dangerously.

“You can’t force me to go out with you.” I told him, but my voice faltered slightly under his gaze and I knew I could feeling my pulse under my skin. He was starting to scare me.

“Kitten,” He warned, “you’re pushing me and I’m not sure you want to.” There was no smile on his face, his lips a dark red and pressed into a thin line, his eyes looked fierce.

I was frightened now, J hadn’t been like this with me before. Had I pissed him off? I was always worried because of my low mood that I was being moody or annoying to people, but I couldn’t never seem to do anything about.

Now I was stuck in my own mind. I hated that I was letting J down by not wanting to go with him, but I was tired – physically and mentally exhausted. The voice seemed confused too. If I went to the club then I the movement was burning more calories than staying here. But I hated the feeling of exhaustion I got when I was out in public and the fact I would have to make it through the whole night trying to look alive, whilst also coming up with a new reason why I couldn’t have one of the club’s cocktails. J had already asked me several times if I was pregnant. I wasn’t willing to say yes to that to get out of a drink – not yet anyway.

But I hadn’t been to the club in over a month now. J went nearly every night to one or another of his businesses.

I didn’t know what to say to J now. He was still frightening me and I was scared to push him further and unsure what I could say to placate him. All that was running through my head at the moment was the same lame excuses as to why I didn’t want to go – I’m too tired, I don’t even drink, you don’t need me there, it’s not like I’ll do anything but sit and wait for you to finish anyway. I knew J didn’t care about my excuses.

I couldn't meet his eyes anymore, keeping my gaze down. He couldn't stop glaring darkly at me and - if I looked at him now - I was sure I would see the anger darkening his eyes to a stormy blue.

When the silence between us became too much, and I had to look up at him just to try to gage what he was feeling, it was worse than I thought. I was worried what I was seeing was not truly anger, but hurt, as though he was in some sort of pain.

That sight burned me, broke me, and I had to look away, concentrating back onto the thick carpet under my socks, tracing the pattern with my eyes.

“I’m sorry, J” I mumbled at the floor.

“You’re sorry?” He whined, mimicking me cruelly. “You’re sorry?" he asked again. “Your apologies are like cheesy pop songs doll, they just keep playing till people are sick of them!” He sneered.

I didn't know what to say to that - clearly an apology wouldn't be right - so I continued to stare at the floor. It was comfier like this. I liked the fact my neck hung loose, no energy needed to hold it up. I liked the fact I was collapsed on the sofa, all day I wished I could have done it.

“Look at you.” he snarled venomously, gesturing to me as I sat - probably looking like a rejected puppet collapsed against the arm of the sofa and lost amongst the many layers of baggy jumpers and hoodies I wore, "pathetic."

"You’re weak.” He spat, “No spark, no flare, no energy. What is the use of you anymore?" he demanded.

I shook my head at the carpet, each word stabbing and shooting through me like he was firing the weapons I knew were in his pockets. What was the point in me? What was my use anymore? I could feel the tears forming in my eyes and I tried to hold back the tide that now threatened to overwhelm me, covering my face with my hands as if somehow that might help to hold it all back.

“Pathetic.” He snarled again before he spun around and stormed out of the room, leaving me curled into the sofa, no longer able to hold back the emotions. I let out one hiccupping sob and then everything poured out until I was blubbering into the expensive sofa arm.

It wasn’t long before I heard the roar of an engine and the screech of wheel that told me the Joker had left and a new, more intense wave washed over until I was gripping fists of my hair and pulling in misery and frustration.

In a moment of mental clarity, I had a thought.

What was happening to me?

I went to bed early that night, unable to concentrate on anything but on low I was feeling. How nothing was right. How I was starving and wanted food. How I was in pain and hated my workouts, dreaded them every day. How I hated that I hurt people around me – especially J. I didn’t blame him for going off on me, everything he said had been true. I was weak, I was pathetic.

With all these things replaying in my head I slept fitfully that night – never seeming to manage for than 30 minutes before I was awoken by my own mind.

That was why - when the Joker finally returned to the suite at 4am the following morning - I was lying awake. Hungry, thirsty, depressed and stressed, yet too exhausted to anything about any of these things, I just lay staring up at the ceiling in the dark.

When I heard the front door open I knew it would have to be him – security was tight around here, very tight. Not even a henchman was allowed up here if he wasn’t here. None the less I panicked and my every sense focused on his movements through the pent house as I tried to detect when he was getting close to the room.

After a few long agonising minutes, the hallway light was switched on illuminating the outline of the door directly in front of me. I heard the door open and one crack of light enlarged as the bedroom door opened to reveal J’s dark shadow in the doorway. I blinked at the sudden brightness that filled the room.

The silence between us stretched on. I didn’t move and neither did J.

I could have pretended to sleep. Delayed the conversation, maybe even removed the chance to have it.

But I was tired, achy, depressed and starving.

“Help me.” I whimpered into the dark.

I thought the shadow would leave me then. Turn and walk away from the pitiful girl lying on the bed, unable to find anything within her to even sit up. All I do was wait for the shadow to leave the doorway and for the sound of receding footsteps.

But they didn’t.

The shadow moved, but not away. It came into the room, his steps softened by the thick carpet underfoot. I closed my eyes, no longer sure I wanted to do this now.

The next thing I knew I was being scooped up by strong arms and pulling me upright with very little effort until I was cradled in his arms. His chest was hard and cold, but I found it comforting and solid.

“I thought you would have left.” He murmured so quietly I almost couldn’t hear.

I shook my head – hard as it was to do when I was pressed so tightly to his chest.

“The one time, kitten, that the I’m glad you’re not like you use to be.” He said, and I pulled my head up to look him in the eyes, frowning with confusion.

“The old you would never had let me get away with the shit I said to you, doll. You would have up and left whilst preaching about some right you had or something.” He chuckled quietly to himself. I just cuddled back into his solid chest, showing him in my own silent way that I had no intention to leave. His arms tightened around me even more.

We stayed like that in silence for a while, happy to be in each-others company. It was what I had always wanted between us – for him to slow down for a moment, and I guess I needed to as well. It was a rare kind of sincerity with the Joker.

“I just want to be perfect for you J.” I finally admitted, lifting my head slightly so I could speak.

He didn’t say anything and I wondered if he heard me. I buried once more, embarrassed for confessing something so personal when he didn’t even care to listen.

“You think I would waste my time on someone who wasn’t already perfect?” He asked, and I felt the vibration of his voice through his chest, it comforted me.

I pulled myself away from him again so I could look up at his face, “But your always around all those pretty girls at the club – I’m nothing like them.” I pointed out.

“You don’t think I know that, doll?” He demanded with a frown and I let my head drop – he was annoyed that I wasn’t like them then. “I’m glad you’re not, doll. I’ve been around those sorts of girls for a very long time and none of them have ever come home with me.” He told me, “The first night I saw you I made sure you did.” There was a another pause of silence, both of us lost in our own minds. “That was a long time ago though.” J reminisced, “A time when you looked very different.”

“But why - ?” I pressed, confused by what he was saying – it didn’t make sense to me.

“Because doll, I chose you for more than you’re looks – which I hasten to add are more than adequate!” He said hotly, as though annoyed at my continual denial of this, “And I’ll be sure to correct you when you say otherwise.” He added. “But doll, the first thing I saw with you wasn’t your killer dress or your murderous curves,” He purred teasingly, running his hands up my body as he still held me upright and I squirmed under his touch, uncharacteristically trying to hold back giggles, “it was your personality, your humour, your energy. All of which you are now severely lacking in, kitten.” He pointed out.

At least words any happiness I had built being with him crumbled. “I’m a failure.” I blubbered, feeling myself close to sobbing again.

“You’re not a failure doll,” J said, almost softly, though there was firmness to his voice, “I’m afraid you’re just sane.” He said solemnly, “It’s a terrible disease that grips you – it makes you care too much, it makes you gullible, it makes you greedy for something better and never content to revel in the present.” He rattled off passionately. He switched his arm placement around me so he supported me with only one arm, the other he brought up to my face and tenderly wiped away the tears on my cheeks, “It’s a terrible disease,” He repeated, “It always makes you look for the reason to cry, not to laugh.” He added with a sad smile that I could just make out in the poor lighting.

I gave him a weak smile in return, probably looking a state even in the darkness, and my smile dropped again at the thought. J must have noticed because he moved his hand from my cheek to my chin, tilting my face up so I looked at him in the eye. “That why I’m here though, doll.” He said with a small smile, “I’m the opposite of you, you’re my sanity doll, and I’m your crazy.” He purred lowly, tilting my face more and pulling me up as he leant down and he kissed me.

“I’ll help you.” He promised, “No one disrespects my Queen, especially not the Queen herself.”

tags: @carouselcurls

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fystarlust · 7 years

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1-100 ❤

1. What’s your middle name, and do you like it?Rachel, its okay HAHA2. are you artistic?depends what kind cos i cant draw for shit but i can do makeup??3. Have you had your first kiss?yes4. What is your life goal?be happy5. Do you have any experiences with a famous person?i mean ive seen 5sos 1d and mcbusted in person if that counts6. Do you play any sports?horse riding, i want to play more though i actually really like sports7. What’s your worst fear?demons8. Who’s your biggest inspiration?jacksepticeye9. Do you have any cool talents?my makeup looks great sometimes10. are you a morning person?yes11. How do you feel about pet names?theyre cute to a point, im not about that 'cupcake sprinkle sugar bean' life12. Do you like to read?if the book is good yes13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life.none have changed my life thats a bit far14. Do you care about your follower count?i used to but not anymore15. What’s the best dream you’ve had?i recently dreamt my gf was back home again16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender?yes17. Do you have any pets?yes, 3 dogs, 4 cats, 1 horse and soon to be 1 hamster18. Are you religious?no lol19. Are you a people person?noooo20. Are you considered popular?considered by who HAHAH bc my gf thinks im pretty cool 💁🏼21. What is one of your bad habits?biting my nails22. What’s something that makes you feel vulnerable?during and after ive had a mental breakdown23. What would you name your children?Lily, Ava24. Who’s your celebrity crush?taeeeee25. What’s your best subject?nothing academic rip26. Dogs or cats?dogs27. most used social media besides tumblr?youtube28. best friends name?ellie29. who does your main family consist of?idk what main family consists of but i see all my family a lot so my mum, brother, dad, grandparents, aunty, uncle, cousins30. Chocolate or sugar?both31. have you ever been on a date?yes32. Do you like roller coasters?some types of them33. Can you swim?ye boi34. What would you do in the event of an apocalypse?i would be a badass mf and protect my loved ones and animals35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder?yes, am currently struggling with a few and likely always will be36. Are your parents together?no37. What’s your favorite color?baby blue38. What country are you from/do you live in?England to both39. Favorite singer?bts40. Do you see yourself being famous some day?nope41. Do you like dresses?yes but i need to work on my confidence when wearing them42. Favorite song right now?deeessspaaacito43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?yes, very44. How old were you when you first got your period?1245. Have you ever shot a gun?nope46. Have you ever done yoga?yes47. Are you a horror girl?if this means horror film then yes48. Are you good at giving advice?kind of? with some things im not though49. Tell us a story about your childhood.near my house me and my friends had this den that was like a cave in the ground and it was sooo cool we spent hours in there everyday and its still there50. How are you doing today?im okay51. Were you a cute kid?not to be up my own ass but yes52. Can you dance?secretly yes53. Is there anything you do that you can’t remember ever not doing?looking after animals54. Have you ever dyed your hair?nope too scared55. What color are your eyes?blue56. What’s your favorite animal?ooooo i cant pick one i have so many57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself?lots of times, ellie n jess know this best58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?its complicated but kind of59. Do you have good friends?wonderful ones60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group?yes61. What’s your favorite class?in college it was Zoo Management62. List all the tv shows you are watching.RuPauls Drag Race, The Walking Dead, Your Lie in April63. Are you organized?yes64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion?i cant remember65. Which tv character do you relate to most?not a tv character but Ryan from BuzzFeed Unsolved is literally me as an asian male68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness?my hell brain69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?travelling with my gf70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?god idk71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?iDk72. If you could start over, what would you do differently?i dont like these deep questions73. Would you break the law to save a loved one?yes74. When was the last time you traveled somewhere new?the other week when i went to Wadswick 75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?my dogs76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?i applied for a hnc77. What did you want to be when you were a kid?a vet78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?everything?? i dont knOW79. When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?when i was being bullied, shouldve beat that bitch into the dirt80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence.travel and be happy and be with jess and around animals81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?well id get a lot more done82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity?id spend it with jess then when she died id kill myself HAHAHAH that sounds so dark83. How would you spend a billion dollars?travelling, on a house, animals84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future?the past, i dont wanna see the shithole of a future until i have to85. What motivates you to succeed?literally nothing86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most?a lot of them cos theyre v realistic, i dont like it87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why?woods BUT not a creepy woods where id get killed, just a nice forest, and because i hate how busy cities are88. Do you believe in life after death?im not sure89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they?none they can all suck my ass90. What’s your fondest childhood memory?the one about the cave den91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why?jacksepticeye bc i luv him sm92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy?when people come home from fighting abroad to their kids or dogs93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life?idk how to sum it up94. What do you think happens after we die?i have no idea95. What would you do if you would be invisible?pretend to be a ghost and scare people96. What’s something you can’t do no matter how hard you try?DRAW97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring?no i like surprises98. How did your first crush develop?i cant remember99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it?yes always lmao, paranoia, anxiety, worry100. Do you live or do you just exist?so deep oooOoOoooO i dont care

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astroflore · 7 years

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i was tagged by @chvrliecobalt thank you so much !!!!

1. Are you named after someone? Yea

2. When is the last time you cried? sunday night :/

3. Do you like your handwriting? i love it because it’s mine, but to many it is a bane of their existence

4. What is your favorite lunch meat? ham, or chicken, yum

5. Do you have kids? nope

6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?

i think so, but i’d have to be the kind of person who was okay with honesty all the time because im a very frank person, and okay with lack of skill regarding keeping in touch

7. Do you use sarcasm? all the time, in joking form and in true meanness. the latter less often bc i dont like being mean

8. Do you still have your tonsils? yep

9. Would you bungee jump? hell to the no

10. What is your favorite kind of cereal? chocolate cereal, or honey nut cheerios

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? depends on the shoe

12. Do you think you’re a strong person? yea, i think with the cards ive been dealt in life i had to be strong

13. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? mint chocolate chip

14. What is the first thing you notice about people? nose, eyes, then smile

15. Red or pink? red

16. What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? i like me, and since in the past ive struggled with not liking me, im not going to rank myself since i was made the way i am for a reason

17. What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? white shorts and barefoot

18. What was the last thing you ate? peanut m&ms

19. What are you listening to right now? so into you by tamia

20. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? black or that golden one that looks like sunshine

21. Favorite smell? magnolia blossoms

22. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? my sister

23. Favorite sport to watch? futebol bc im a basic brazilian, but i also like watching archery and figure skating

24. Hair color? ive had people explain it to me as a golden brown, and i think that’s pretty accurate

25. Eye color?  light brown

26. Do you wear contacts? no way man, i read an article about some guy having his contacts melt in his eye while he was grilling and ive been scarred ever since

27. Favorite food to eat? chocolate chip pancakes

28. Scary movies or comedy? comedy

29. Last movie you watched? blind date, it’s a french movie and it was kinda cute

30. What color shirt are you wearing? black

31. Summer or winter? i prefer the transitional months, spring and autumn

32. Hugs or kisses? both

33. What book are you currently reading? Symphony for the City of the Dead by M.T. Anderson

34. Who do you miss right now? my sister

35. What is on your mouse pad? dont own one

36. What is the last TV program you watched? Poirot

37. What is the best sound? the ocean waves at twilight, with “inutil paisagem” by tom jobim playing in the background. i suppose that’s two sounds tho

38. Rolling Stones or The Beatles? rolling stones

39. What is the furthest you have ever traveled? argentina

40. Do you have a special talent? im good at languages, i pick them up fairly easily

41. Where were you born? U.S

42. People you expect to participate in this survey? @margaritamamun @radishphilosophy @magnorum @paternalpadfoot @zcbini

if i tagged you and you dont want to do it, don’t feel like you need to !!! and if i didnt tag you and you want to do it, consider yourself tagged my dudes

#it is i #tagged

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themoneybuff-blog · 5 years

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Questions About Crowdlending, Prayer, Christmas Trees, Chess, Beans, and More!

Whats inside? Here are the questions answered in todays reader mailbag, boiled down to summaries of five or fewer words. Click on the number to jump straight down to the question. 1. Investing for childs future 2. Crowdlending investments 3. Shorter workweek thoughts? 4. Struggling to improve at work 5. Last minute holiday gifts 6. Praying for financial help? 7. Child care suggestions 8. Christmas tree suggestions 9. Learning chess for cheap 10. Keeping beans fresh 11. 401(k) help 12. I never want to retire I get two or three requests a week from a reader asking to reprint an article Ive written for some purpose. So, heres my policy on that. If you wish to reprint an article of mine for a print publication or an email newsletter, not a website, you have permission to do so provided that you attribute the article to Trent Hamm at The Simple Dollar and include the URL of the site, http://www.thesimpledollar.com/. If you are interested in a reprint on a website, ask me first. Make sure that the article was actually written by Trent first, however, by visiting that article on the website and verifying that Trent was the writer of that specific article. Some portion of articles that appear on the site were written by other writers and youll need to ask them individually for permission. On with the questions. Q1: Investing for childs future I have a young kid (6 years old) and Id like to invest a little bit for him in a set and forget fashion. I realize Im pretty lucky to be living in an expensive place (Seattle, WA) while being able to max out my 401k, my Roth IRA and my wifes IRA. We dont have any loans, pay off out credit card monthly and just have a home mortgage with low interest. I am still able to put a little bit of money regularly on a brokerage account and a 529 for my son (although I dont want to put too much for a few of reasons: I dont know if hell go to college here (expensive) or in France where Im from (cheap), I value community college highly and dont necessarily aim for him to go to ivy league schools and finally I dont believe in taking at my charge all his higher education expense. My only downfall here is that I feel a bit behind on retirement because I moved to the US AT 26 for a temp job that became permanent at 32 and only understood 401k since I was 34. Im been maxing out ever since. I definitely have the saving mentality that we find Europeans! In essence, we live on about 40% off a single about 110k/year (my wife works for a non profit and brings an income that pretty much only pays for her laptop, cell phone, car gas and child care once in a while for us to go on a date). With that in mind, what could be our next smart moves (I feel that is not often addressed for people that are able to to reach all the conventional goals we see out there but dont fit in the high income category where advance money placement and tax schemes can be beneficial). So my questions are two folds: what is the next smart move for us (just keep investing in the Vanguard Total Market Index Fund?) what can I do to invest long term for my son? I was hoping for an IRA but he is not earning income. Is the anything else? Bob First of all, a 529 might still be useful for you even if your child goes to school in France, provided that hes attending a college or university thats eligible for Title IV student aid. There are hundreds of overseas universities and colleges that are, so youll have to research the ones hes considering. If youre not strictly saving for education for your son, however, your best bet is probably what youve already stumbled on gifting your child a certain amount each year below the gift tax exclusion limit ($14,000 a year) and then investing that money in a taxable account in your childs name while again gifting your child enough to pay any taxes on dividend income. This is of course assuming that your child is not earning an income of some kind via modeling or acting or something akin to that. For us, our savings for our childrens future is strictly in the 529 plans. Once they move out and go to school, their 529 plans are our financial support for their education. We hope to have enough in each account to cover in-state tuition for a few years at a state university (like Iowa State U or University of Iowa), though they can make other choices in terms of where to go to school should they wish too. Q2: Crowdlending investments What do you think about crowdlending investments? Carly Crowdlending refers to any program in which individuals can lend money to other individuals or businesses, supplying the capital for the loan and earning a return on that money in the form of the borrowers interest paid on that loan. Typically, many people provide small amounts to make up the capital for that loan for example, someone might want to borrow $10,000 and that loan is made up of 100 people lending $100 each. A number of businesses exist to help facilitate this, such as Lending Club and Prosper. It really comes down to the riskiness of the borrower. Someone with a high rating as a borrower represents pretty little risk and youll almost always get your money back and more. A high risk loan might net you a very nice return, but you have a real risk of losing your balance. In general, I would not invest money I needed going forward in a crowdlending investment. Its a good place to put money that you dont need if youre seeking a nice short term return on it and youre willing to pay a lot of attention and take on some significant risk. Remember, if someone defaults on a crowdlending loan, that means youve probably lost most (if not all) of what youve invested. Q3: Shorter workweek thoughts? What do you think about this article that argues that people 40 and over work better if their workweek is shorter? It matches my own experience. This one? Jenna I frankly agree with it. Speaking from my own experience, I find that the vast majority of my work gets done during three days a week. I tend to have about three days each week when I can really slip into a writing zone, and my work on other days is often just busywork. I think this is honestly true of most information and creative jobs. For every day of really great mental performance, I think people of all ages need at least a day of rest to recharge fully. If you demand mental performance day after day, that performance is going to degrade fairly rapidly and eventually result in burnout. The trick for me is in properly preparing for a three day week and getting it reliably without interruption due to personal or family illness or some other interruption. Part of why I write for a living is the flexibility of it, which means I cant just sit down and lock down three specific days of writing each week. Often, I have to break it up more than that. Q4: Struggling to improve at work I currently work as a bank teller. Went in for a performance review in October and read your advice about asking what I need to do to get a raise or promotion. Boss was great and gave me a list of things to work on. Thing is Im always busy and rarely have the chance to work on a lot of those things. I feel like Im not making progress on any of those things and cant find time for them. Not sure what to do. Bailey The best thing you can do is find opportunities to work on those skills in the course of your regular tasks. Without knowing your regular casts and the things that your boss suggested that you work on, I cant offer specific advice on that. However, there are probably at least some of the elements on that list that you can work on while doing other tasks. If theres new material to learn, do your best to learn it when youre not at work. If there are topics youre supposed to know about, spend time when youre not working learning those things. You should also try to get into a routine of having regular scheduled one-on-ones with your supervisor just to talk over how things are going and build a stronger relationship. If youve not really communicated in any way with your boss in two months, you might want to strengthen that relationship a little. Just ask for a regularly scheduled meeting once every two weeks or once a month and go over the things on that list. This gives you a deadline to push toward a little more effort on those things, and it shows your boss youre consistently trying to work for the brass ring. Q5: Last minute holiday gifts So my mom got sick and asked if I could host family Christmas and I said okay. In the past we did a name drawing for gifts but she also got everyone something small and shes not doing that this year but I want to do it so I am looking for good ideas for last minute small holiday gifts under $5. Amy What kinds of things did she give out? At that price point, Id probably go for consumable items. Get people nice bars of chocolate or a bottle of craft beer or something like that. Youre not going to go fancy at $5, but you can find something the recipient would enjoy. Just make a list of everybody whos attending and try to identify one food or drink item each one of them would like. Theres your shopping list, and thats exactly what I would do in your shoes. Q6: Praying for financial help? I pray and pray for financial help and it never seems to come. We never make ends meet. I try to follow your advice and things always turn out badly. Jaime A simple suggestion: rather than praying for financial help, pray to have the strength and wisdom and focus to make the difficult choices needed to put you and your family on a better financial path. Dont pray for money to be dropped on your lap. Instead, pray that youll have the foresight and wisdom to not spend money on foolish things. Pray that youll feel lower stress and that youll be able to lower the stress of those around you. Pray for the creativity to make your meal budget stretch a little further. Most of us already have the financial answers we need already in our life. We just need someone (or something) to take the scales away from our eyes so that we can see those answers. That change often comes from within, not from money from outside sources. Money drops into our lap more often than we think it does what matters is how we use it. Q7: Child care suggestions Moved to new city and starting school in January. Have a three year old. Thought there would be child care support through school but all slots are full. Program will subsidize child care but everything within subsidy is kind of scary. Suggestions? Danielle I have helped Danielle many times over the last few years. For some background, she was engaged to be married but her soon-to-be husband ghosted her and she cant find him for child support. She moved in with her parents for a brief while, then found an apartment on her own. She applied for a bunch of scholarships to go back to school and then I hadnt heard from her in a while until this question popped up. She has been using many different programs to help give her kid a great life and working her tail off, so I do have some real sympathy for Danielles situation. Danielle, you absolutely need to check and see whether your state has some sort of child care assistance offered through their Department of Human Services. Given your situation, its very likely that youre eligible for some help through such a program, which is available in a lot of states. Another approach you might want to consider is whether or not you have a close friend or relative you trust who could move in with you and provide child care in exchange for free rent. Do you have a sibling or close friend who might be interested in such a situation that youd trust? Those are the two best options I have in mind, other than making sure youre on the waiting list for child care options through your school. This will get somewhat easier when your child reaches school age, as youll both be able to go to school! Q8: Christmas tree suggestions Is a real Christmas tree worth it? We usually only decorate for a few days before Christmas and the twelve days after taking things down on January 6. Used a tiny artificial tree for the last few years and were considering a real one this year. Arne It depends on how you define worth it. Real trees are messier and take more work (because you have to water them) and need to be disposed of after the holidays; artificial trees have none of that. Plus, real trees have to be replaced every year. From a purely financial standpoint, real trees arent worth it. However, real trees have an enormous aesthetic advantage. They smell wonderful. When properly cleaned up, they look better than artificial trees (in my opinion, assuming you dont buy one thats half dead). Is the work and the (eventual) extra cost worth it to you? For some people, it is. For some, it isnt. We had a real tree for a few years when I was growing up and while I appreciated it in my teen years, it wasnt life changing for me. As an adult, I probably would not have a large real tree unless my children were genuinely excited about the concept and brought it up frequently. Q9: Learning chess for cheap My five year old was taught chess by his cousin at Thanksgiving and now he wants to play chess all the time. I can fumble through the moves but he is finding stuff on his tablet about openings and stuff that I have no idea about. I want to get better at chess and also help him find things to help him get better at chess. What tools are cheap/free? Andy It really depends on your goals with this. If youre just wanting to get a bit better and assume that this is a fad thats going to burn out, Id just get an inexpensive chess app for his tablet and for your phone and just play lots of games. Most games have a feature where they suggest good moves and point out bad ones and over a lot of games, you can gradually learn from that. If you really want to start learning openings and stuff, theres almost nothing better you can do than visiting your local library that has a selection of chess books, picking out a few, and then going through them at home. My local library has a couple dozen chess books on the shelves and can reserve hundreds more via interlibrary loan. Take them home and then just try an opening during a game with your kid. Pick one that looks like fun, memorize the first three or four moves of it, and bust it out with your son. Tell him what the opening is and then see whether or not it looks like youre in good shape. I have an eight year old that loves to play chess constantly but really has zero interest in actually learning the game. If your son is into openings, play into that and use it as an opportunity to learn together. Q10: Keeping beans fresh You mentioned cooking beans early in the week and keeping them in the fridge all week to use for meals. How do you keep them fresh and not just turn to mush? Every time I do it they get mushy. Blair First of all, dont cook them quite all the way to completion. I try to aim for beans that are not quite all the way cooked, just done enough so that they wouldnt be annoying in the dish but clearly could use just a bit more cooking. Theyre really firm at this point but definitely edible. I drain them and let them slowly cool down to room temperature. This usually cooks them just a bit more so theyre pretty close to exactly what I want. I drain them and rinse them again so that theyre close to dry, then I put them in a sealed container in the fridge. I aim to use them within four or five days. Most of the time, I add these beans late to something else Im cooking, like a soup. If Im using them in a salad or something, I might cook them just a bit more in some simple fashion, like with a bit of water in the microwave, but Ill usually just toss the beans right into the salad. This works for all kinds of beans. My personal favorite is black beans, which Ill use for pretty much anything I can get away with. Q11: 401(k) help I just signed up for my company 401(k) and there are only a few options available and none of them match up with anything you have ever mentioned. They have names like aggressive growth and moderate and safe. Alex Likely, the options you see are ones that whoever runs your 401(k) have pre-chosen for you and given friendly names that actually make it harder to figure out what they actually include. The first retirement plan I signed up for was very similar in that regard. You can ask the HR representative that deals with the plans whether or not you can pick your own funds, but its likely that you dont have such control, so you probably just have to choose one of these options. The honest truth? In a situation like this, its really hard to pick the best option for you because you dont really know whats going on underneath the options. In your shoes, if I was more than ten years from retirement, Id choose the most aggressive option available. If I was less than ten years, Id choose a moderate option. That is, assuming I couldnt see anything more about the plans than such vague descriptors. Q12: I never want to retire I dont like reading about retirement talk because I never want to retire. I love what I do (nursing) and I want to keep doing it in whatever aspect I can for as long as I can until Im shoved out the door and straight into a retirement home (or a casket). Why should I worry about retirement? Dinah Never retiring is a marvelous idea in theory, but it often doesnt quite pan out that way. Many career paths nudge people out the door when they get to a certain age, regardless of whether those people want to keep working or not, and sometimes health conditions pop up that continue to allow a mostly full life but cut off certain career paths. Another reason to save for retirement is that it opens up the possibility of a second career or a different kind of job later on. You may end up taking on a position that uses your nursing skills in a very positive way but it doesnt pay nearly as much as your current job; a retirement savings plan can help offset that loss in income. You really should save for retirement no matter what career youre in and no matter how much you love it. Its cover all your bases money, because you simply cant predict what the future holds. Got any questions? The best way to ask is to follow me on Facebook and ask questions directly there. Ill attempt to answer them in a future mailbag (which, by way of full disclosure, may also get re-posted on other websites that pick up my blog). However, I do receive many, many questions per week, so I may not necessarily be able to answer yours. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/questions-about-crowdlending-prayer-christmas-trees-chess-beans-and-more/

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Sacramento California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 94286

"Sacramento California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 94286

Sacramento California Cheap car insurance quotes zip 94286

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freeinsurancequotes.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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What is the average cost of business insurance in Portland, Oregon?""

How much does car insurance cost?

I will be turning sixteen this May, and my mom has arranged for me to get my licence on my birthday (May 1). I have to pay for my own insurance and gas money (unless I am driving somewhere for them). They are buying me just an old used car that will last me through the rest of high school and college (7 years). It may be falling apart by the end of that time but it'll get me from point a to point b. I plan on getting a job as soon as possible. I want to work somewhere this summer, and I will tutor (which I already do occasionally) during the school year, because I don't have time for a part time job all year with extra-curriculars. How much do I need to make to afford my car insurance? Also, my grandad works for State Farm, so we all have to get it there. OH and I took drivers ed when I got my permit so that's deductible.""

How much will insurance cost per year for a scooter/moped?

I am 17 and would like to know roughly how much insurance would be for a basic 125cc moped/scooter

Any estimations on how much my car insurance will be? Uk.?

Im 17 in november, in gonna start to drive but i was wondering if anyone iceby ideas on how much my car insurance would be based on what i tell you. I live in the uk. I cant go on my parents insurance because they dont drive. In gonna get a 1.4 or 1.6 engine car. An thats all i can tell you, can anyone please have a rough estimation on prices?""

Are you still suppose to pay car insurance when...?

Are u still supposed to pay car insurance after you have had an accident?? The car was a total loss..so I don't have it anymore and there is no other cars on my policy..am I still responsible for anything especially when my car paid for itself, the deductable, and then some....???""

Cancer Victims that do not have health insurance in CA. What can i Do?

My mother inlaw has cancer in her stomach and has now spread to her liver and hip bone:( but does not have good health insurance. She has no income. Please let me know if there are any programs we can look into to help her. THank you!

why is mazda 3 insurance so high

Where can I find affordable insurance when living on disibility?

I am disabled and I only earn a certain amount per month, and I also have a wife and child. I just want to cry sometimes.""

Obamacare health insurance rebates?

My school requires a mandatory student health insurance plan and i had this for the last 3 years. With the Affordable Care Act, the Govt. requires health insurance companies to pay back some of the premium it if less than 80% is used on medical care or more than 20% is used on administrative costs. I did not use my health insurance at all during the last 3 years. Will i get get a rebate of some kind? Should i call my school and ask for a health insurance rebate for last year?""

Car Insurance question!?

ill be 16 years old. I'm getting a 1986-1988 Pontiac Trans Am. Very good responsible driver. so, would car insurance be a lot of money??? What would be a good and cheap company to go with??? name brands please (state farm, All state, 21st Century, ext.)""

HEALTH INSURANCE FOR INFERITILITY?

I live in Georgia and I am trying to find some private insurance that would cover fertility testing and not treatment such as ivf OR IUI . Me and my fiance have been trying to have a baby for 3 years and i have tried everything, i finally have saved up enough money to be able to pay for private insurance can someone please tell me some health insurance company that may cover fertility testing.""

So is this whole car dealerships thing going to affect insurance?

If the prices of the cars are going to drop, is this going to do anything to the amount of money I will have to pay for my car insurance once I turn 16? Will it go up, go down, or stay the same""

How much will my car insurance premium change when i turn 25?

I'm 24 and a car in insurance group 6 is costing me 600-700. I've heard this goes down significantly when I turn 25, is this true and how much should it go down by?""

A 125cc Scooter in California?

I want to get a 125cc scooter just because it does use a lot of gas. In California, does a 125cc scooter need a license plate? Do I need to buy an insurance? Do I need a driver license? Do I have to ride on the bike lane? or I can ride as a car? How do I make a left turn? How do I park my scooter? park it as a car (occupy a car parking spot)? It's in California. Thank you very much""

Does anyone know of any cheap but good medical insurance?

I need affordable medical insurance!!!

Auto insurance estimate for 5 points?

Hi i have 5 points on my license i live in Baltimore city and drive a 1985 Chevrolet corvette with historic tags insurance with it in my dads name is very cheap even with me as the listed driver but i think my insurance company some how missed that i have 5 points on my license so i am just wondering if anyone has any ball park figures as to what my insurance might be when they see that i have 5 points thanks.

How can I get Cheaper Auto Insurance?

I'm looking to buy a 03-06 Mitsubishi Evolution was wondering if it is possible to get cheaper insurance? My Father owns a Business can we classify it as a business Vehicle? I'll be 18 when i buy it. I can afford the payments, Just not insuracne, lol""

Average motorcycle insurance for a young married couple?

my fiance and i are thinking about getting a motorcycle in about a year. how much would insurance cost for an average bike? we will be 20.

If I get into an accident (salvage / rebuilt title) how much of my cars worth will the insurance company pay?

I have a 99 GST Turbo Convertible Eclipse Spyder that I bought a few years ago with a Rebuilt Salvage title. You would not even be able to tell that it was in an accident. It looks great. I have been putting a lot of money in the car fixing it up (making it look nice and faster) and one of my friends told me the other day that if something happened to my car I would get practically nothing since it has a Rebuilt Salvage title. Is this True? I have only had liability since I bought it and this has never came up before. So assuming that I get hit tomorrow by a car that is insured and it totals out my car, how much of my car's worth would I get? What about all the money in parts and accessories that I put into it?""

What happens if you don't pay your car insurance?

how important is it every month to pay your car insurance? what could happen if you don't

Car insurance so much money?

my car insurance when i was 18 was $155 a month for a 95 honda civic. now i am 19, in the military and im planning to get a 08-12 honda civic. i got a quote on progressive and it said $520 a month, wtf?! i then tried usaa and they quoted me around $250. is there anyway to get my insurance down? i dont even want a car if my insurance will be more than my car payment. any advice or help is appreciated.""

Can a ticket for no insurance be reduced?

Friend of mine got a ticket for no insurance 9 yrs ago.....i know long time......but after all this time is there anyway a good lawyer can.get the ticket reduced to a lesser one?

How much does a sixteen year old in BC pay for car insurance?

The car is an 87 porsche 944. my grades are less than satisfactory. i am expecting high numbers. i make $9.50 an hour working ten hours a week. also, is it even possible for me to pay the insurance along with gas and income tax? (car takes approx. 20 mpg) i drive about 30 miles a week.""

Health insurance question please?

My family and I have not had health insurance for the past few years. And I'm starting to get really sick and probably need tests done. I live near Aurora,IL, what's an affordable good health insurance I can get? I work part-time at a pet store and it's not gaurenteed hours so I may get like 30hrs a week for a month and than it go down to 20hrs a week. I am going to school full-time as well. Can someone please help me?""

What cost more to insure?????

what cost more to insure, a coupe , sedan, convertible, truck, suv, i ask because i have a mustang gt and insurance and gas are killing me. i want a luxury car, but cant decide if i want a suv or sedan ect. ect.""

How much is car insurance?

My mom said she would buy me a car, as long as i payed for the insurance. Im thinking about getting an SUV if that matters. Also I'm Terrell Owens so money is not an issue.""

How much does insurance cost for a chimney sweep business?

I am starting a chimney sweep company and I was wondering what is an average cost to have insurance for the business (bonus points if you can say all of the types of insurance I might need) I know the standard answer is to say there is no way of knowing since this all depends on a number of factors but I literally have no clue what it would cost so ANY estimate or guess is appreciated. The business will be in Maryland and have just 1 employee with revenue I am guessing would be about 100,000 a year if that helps.""

How much is the car insurance of 17 years old?

how much is the car insurance of 17 years old here in virginia beach?

If i have no car do i have to pay insurance?

if i have my liscence but no car, but i drive my parents car do i still have to pay insurance""

Why has car insurance gone up so much?

Im 18 learning to drive and getting my first car soon but I'm wondering why car insurance has gone up so much?

I don't know what to do with my auto insurance coverage... can someone help me??

I got a new auto insurance last November and it expires end of May. I paid $320 for 6 months. The rate was higher due to a moving violation. Well, the violation is off my record now.... and when I got a quote today with another insurance company, it was $150 for 6 months. So would it be cheaper for me to cancel my current coverage ($50 early cancellation applies) and get the new coverage? Or just keep the current coverage and apply again in June?""

Will My car insurance go up if a 16 year old gets a older 2 door car?

why is mazda 3 insurance so high

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/affordable-dental-insurance-ontario-mia-ogden/"

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s3venpounds · 7 years

Note

1-102

102 questions? damn thats gonna be tough my guy but aight

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

i do. at least, i trust in them enough to not take the phrase lightly.

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

considering im 22 thats not that huge of a gap, considering some people have like a 10 year difference. so yeah i guess

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

pretty recently actually, went to a birthday party of an acquaintance and i didn’t really enjoy myself til i went to sing karaoke but my drunk friend was being hella annoying at the same time

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

i do that on the daily so yeah

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

i mean probably, humans can’t do ANYTHING without having both a positive and negative influence

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

yeah Spire- Reverie( feat FAWNA) that song was sent by said friend that i got reminded of =]

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

red plaid boyfriend style shirt, pepperoni pizza print socks, superman boxers and some athletic shorts with my highschools logo and colors

8. How often do you listen to music?

whenever im not talking to someone, playing games, or in a serious atmosphere

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

sweats after wearing sweats style pants for so long its hard to go back to my skinny jeans

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

considering its 2017 and literally nothing happened in 2013 but my graduation then no

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

both? i think im one of those things you call an ambivert.

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

yeah and he was way too timid about it man like ‘s just a kiss

13. What about ‘R’?

nope all my friends with an r name arent close enough for me to try that shit

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

nope would love to learn though

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

yep. mostly so i know where to tweak my personality so i can improve as a person i guess but yeah i tend to get paranoid

16. Are you going out of town soon?

not to my knowledge no, but it wouldnt be the first time my parents pull out “surprise” plane tickets to go somewhere i didn’t want to and on such short notice

17. When was the last time you cried?

mmmmmm can’t remember, so its not in the past 6 months or so

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah, went downhill afterwards

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

blue or purple if possible thatd be dope

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

no not really

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

how hungry i am and the lack of food

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

considering im not gay or at least not confirmed yet, no.

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

dunno, not even sure where we stand

24. What are you sitting on right now?

a folded up blanket and an old office chair

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

its not everyday but when i say i love them they say it back so thats nice

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

yep, multiple times. but yknow oh well right? i would rather something be left where it is than go through an extra excruciating chapter of hurt just because i fell in love with someone i barely knew

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

A.T

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

nope infact the last time i got sick was 2 years ago i believe

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

blue notes, it was on sale and it WAS really soft not its just eh soft

30. Does anyone hate you?

HAHAHHAA yeah. one of my friends confirmed it too still do i think

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

why would i hide them.. these questions were clearly made for someone under 18 and i apologize for reblogging without reading them

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

FUCK.NO.FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME WATCH THEM AND FUCK YOU FOR BRINGING THEM NEAR ME

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

nah sounds like too much maitenence

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

my first year. erase my existence. nah im kidding i would probs delete last year or the year before that anywhere in that time frame

35. Did you have a dream last night?

nope sadly =[

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

the day before yesterday we were both v sleepy after movie night

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

nope. marriage is an annoying thing and until i find someone worth all that struggle not gonna happen. but ive got a good feeling about this one

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

considering they said i love you yeah i would hope so

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

that same person also said this a few days ago so yeah i think so

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

yeah found some old classic songs and got my body groovin that night

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

nope

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

nope

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

no… and now i feel a little sad

44. What’s the best part about school?

when all ur friends did something amazing yesterday and they talk about it with u all excited and shit

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

yep , some are really cringe worthy

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

nope i just texted notes were too hard to pass without getting caught

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

yeah a lot to the point im almost there

48. Were you single over the last summer?

yep

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

yeah a little

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

chores, usual adult things, maybe cooking

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

nah i dont hate him, maybe not on the best terms with em but yeah

52. Are you nice to everyone?

nope there are some people that just rub me the wrong way

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah 100%

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

are you serious? 6 months? thats so short, how the hell anyone falters at that point? i expect people to start cheating ATLEAST at the 1 year mark

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

not very to be honest. i wear my heart on my sleeve as a friend says.

56. Do you think you like someone?

yeah i think i do

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

no…….?

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

boys are fun for mindless fun but girls are more for sentimental stuff. both are equally nice to be around

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

yeah tequila is a bitch

60. Do you hate anyone?

yep! same person who hates me!

61. How’s your heart?

like spiritually or like physically. havent gotten a medical check up so dunno, and spiritually? its being taken care of so thats nice

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

yep! and i refuse to talk about it =]

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

nope never

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

person who hates me HEH maybe even my best friend but in an endearing way like “ this fucking bitch decided to snort fucking fundip hes my friend but god damn hes a fucking dumbass”

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

nope i wouldnt mind painting em tho

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

probably i make a lot of them

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

they better not. youre a shitty person for pushing someone to that point.

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

yeah, sometimes on purpose sometimes on accident, sometimes cuz i wanted to

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

A.T

70. How do you look right now?

like shite mate i havent showered yet

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

yeah Justin HEH

72. Can you commit to one person?

i damn hope so otherwise life is gonna be hella lonely

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

yeah!

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

yep. multiple times too

75. Did you wake up cranky?

nope woke up horny. thats what happens with morning wood

76. Are you a jealous person?

yeah, the more amazing someone is the more jealous i get

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

i wanna say yes so yall dont shy away from them but like real talk its fucking aggravating, a lot of work, and tiring sometimes. anyone who says otherwise is glossing over shit or hasn’t seen the whole spectrum yet

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

yeah about 98% done too

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

yeah

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

the same tiring shit as everyday pinky try and take over the world

81. Last person you cried in front of?

justin

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

Azley.

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

considering they stayed up with me while i was hitting an emotional low yeah i would think so

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

cuddling, probably freaking out that we’re physically right in front of each other

85. Are you over your past?

nah, i like my past as shitty, cringy and heartbreaking as it is i love it

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

yeah isnt that how relationships happen….?

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

yeah justin

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

yeah i’d accept it, then close the door.

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

yeah cuz its fucking cold outside my dood, here lemme get some tea or some shit youre probs freezing

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

honestly yeah i once had this really spotty conversation with a girl literally everyone in the school hated at the time. then i realized wow, im just horny and have no substantial feelings for this person and if i do go through with this i will regret it

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

i dont know i dont like to think very far

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

yeah he grew out his hair like that annoying french kid in the will smith movie hitchcock that kept calling him le petite asshole

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

nope

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

nope

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

nope HAH

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

considering the last person was my brother fuck no. hes ugly as all hell

97. Who do you have texts from?

uhh, my brother, my best friend, my brother in law, my phone company, and a close friend

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? i would cheer em on while i get fetch the crown royal hidden in the back of the pantry

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeah not that much different from anyone else really

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

no one unless you mean the person who took the photo then my cousin

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

no, and i dont plan to now. i hate them.

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

yes.

overall this shit has gotten my mood a little low so if yall excuse me im gonna mentally drown in music

#ask me shit

0 notes

documentinq · 7 years

Text

7/21/17

Why do I always have such big gaps between posts lol I need to start posting more. I re read everything I posted and just really have to get this out there, ive loved a lot of people. But all of them have been different types of love, I don’t think ive ever actually been in love. I love my current boyfriend kevin but we’ve only been together 4 months and I know im going to be with him for the rest of my life so that love has room to grow in a healthy way. What scares me most about myself is my imagination. i have 2 different types of “love” ive felt. Group 1 consists of: Justus Carr, Noah Coombs, and Austin Mahone. Group 2 consists of: Michael, Dylon, and Kevin. I have loved 6 people, all in very different ways. Group 1 was me being in love with the idea of what could be/have been and group 2 was me loving the reality. Ive always had a vivid imagination and thats often whats set me back in relationships. My unrealistic expectations and fantisies overshadowed how i was being treated. I was so blinded by the possibilities of what we could be that i was incapable of focusing on what was right in front of me. The thing about being in love with an idea that nobody ever wants to admit is that its one of the most powerful loves you can feel, but its the loneliest because the person/relationship you want to be in love with doesnt even exist. Their empty promises and leading you on only makes you more interested. The chase makes you feel alive and you feel like if you cut it off you’ll miss out on this great big prize. But the truth is there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and that rainbow you’ve been chasing can’t even be touched, its nothing but a beautiful illusion. Justus was my first love, though it was all in my head it was the first time a boy had been able to make my heart drop just by him looking at me. I was only in 7th grade. He never knew how i felt about him because he was my friends older brother but I looked up to him so much and i tried so hard to be a better person simply because he inspired me to be so. Noah Coombs, hah. theres a tricky one. It pains me to say I still feel love for him but i almost want to make a separate category for this type of love. I know he never loved me back and never even understood why I felt the way I did but thats just how it is. I would never want to be with him in a million years because our past has been so toxic and hes a terrible person but ive always gotten the strangest feeling from the universe from him. I think one of the reasons ive always been so obsessed with him was because there were like a million coincidences that kept happening everytime i said i was done with him, as if God kept telling me nope he will never ever leave your life. He even moved to LA after I did hahahha but anyways, I was infactuated with the idea of what we could be and didnt even think i loved him until we “broke up” or whatever. His absesnce drove me insane and his games intrigued me with a passion. Like deadass I would choose kevin over noah anyday but I know I will never feel a love that intense and heartbreaking in my whole life but thats okay because only toxic loves can drive someone to a crazy love like that and its kind of cool knowing no one will ever be able to cause me as much pain as he did to my little 16 year old heart. Austin Mahone, haha another tricky one. We never met but I considered him my best friend for a while. But the fact we never met I think is what made me love him to an unhealthy degree. I was crazy over thinking of what we could be and how perfect he was. I was blinded by it but the truth is hes not perfect at all and i see it now with all the clarity in the world. He was my friend but when we were together he brought me down to make himself look better and i never felt good enough for him. He was litterally just another Dylan who went to church lmfao. I wish him the best and I know we will cross paths in the future but I am so thankful i didnt meet him or have sex with him. Im just glad that relationship ended because it was toxic as well. He just lead me on the whole time and was more in love with the chase than he was with me. Now lets talk about group 2, the type of love where at the time you feel like its gonna last forever. Michael was my best friend for a year and then we started dating but I got a feeling it was wrong so I just dropped it all of a sudden. Dylon, he was the type of love that was perfect for me at the time but also terrible for me at the time. terrible bc i was about to move across the country but perfect because i hadn’t had that type of relationship in a long time. he cared about me a lot but we were very different and there were so many things about him and our relationship that screamed to me he wasnt the right person for me, plus his anger issues were out of control. Now Kevin.... kevin is the type of love i wish i had with dylon. Like, I definetly loved dylon at the time but there were things missing with dylon that ive found with kevin. Kevin has the perfect sense of humor, hes trusting and caring, and so fucking attractive. The only doubts I have for our relationship is my fear of the future, what is he going to do for a career? I want him to pursue his passion as a comedian bc I have full faith in him, hes the funniest guy ive ever met.. but I dont know what his deal is. He has all these friends in the entertainment bussiness but isn’t making any moves. I want him to be successful but I don’t know how to talk to him about this without hurting his feelings. He isn’t where he should be in life, hes unemployed living in a frat house. I mean a lot of it is because of his mistakes in the past, hes had plenty of great opportunities come his way but he screwed all of them up with his drug addictions but hes so much better now and im just praying more opportunities will come his way. I love him and I want to support him but our relationship wont last if he doesn’t get his shit together, hes 25 and doesn’t even have his liscense bc he got it taken away bc of drunk driving a few years ago, and he can go and get it now from the dmv but he doesn’t even have the money rn to get a lisence. and i know his parents are rich and hes gonna get money from his family eventually but i don’t want that to be the only thing hes betting on? I want him to live up to his full potential and hes not doing drugs anymore but his past mistakes have set him back so much these struggles are taking a toll on him. and i know right now is the time he needs me most so obviously i wouldnt end things but where is the line where I need to cut things off? I want to start a life with this man, I want to move into a little studio appartment in LA just us two and me do my music shit and him do his comedy shit and it would be perfect. But I know im not doing perfect either, I’m broke as fuck too but im focusing on my music right now and once that kicks off theres no limits to how high im able to go. i’m also only 18... 18 and broke is not nearly as bad as 25 and broke. But the thing is I don’t want to talk to him about it because he KNOWS these problems hes depressed as fuck about all of this and he regrets all of his past mistakes but i dont know what hes doing to fix them like when he thinks of how to make money quick he just turns to illegal shit like selling drugs. I know he has great potential but when is enough enough? He treats me so well and I really do love him, I honestly havent vibed this hard with a guy since noah. literally. I know i said that before about dylon but i really do realize i just met him when i was in a very fragile state and clung onto him, but hes literal trash lol. Kevin is so different from anyone ive ever been with, hes honestly 10x better of a person for me than noah ever was and I do believe hes my soulmate which is why I need to stick with him through this hard time, he just needs prayer. I used to think Noah was my soulmate but I know thats not true now, what I do know is that the universe did make sure noah was a big influence in my life for some reason. I don’t know what that reason is right now but I know i’ll find out within the next few years lol. The song im recording rn i dedicated to my mom but i initially wrote the first few verses bc of kevin because i want him to make a change in his life. The song definelty applies to my mom more but it does apply to kevin as well. Its about how a person will never change for you and they have to want to change for themselves first before they will ever consider changing for anybody else. Kevin will never change his life for me, he has to want it for himself and I will continue to try and motivate him but I’m giving it till December, if Kevin isn’t financially stable enough to have his own place and doesn’t have a career I’m going to give him a break until he finds himself. his birthday is in January and being 26 and unemployed is so unnacceptable. Because love really isn’t always going to be enough to save a relationship.

0 notes