#bc he has so many repressed emotions and is quite similar to his father. a rude awakening | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lnsfawwi · 2 years

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control freak? control freak.

it's apparent that Aaron is a total control freak. but I'm bored so I'll beat this dead horse with evidences.

1. Himself

his emotions

I don't think many people have talked about it, which is when Aaron gets emotional, his first reaction is to hide.

let's breakdown just one episode - Ashes and Dust. everything happened in that episode hit him hard.

From their dialogue we can deduce that gideon and Aaron take turns interviewing burned victims, but Aaron volunteered without explanation. after the team exited the conference room the camera panned to him looking at the pic of the mother cradling her baby. To people unaware he might just be altruistic, in reality he was just reminded of his own family, and he wasn't gonna let others see that.

In the hospital he was heartbroken to see the victim, Emily just joined the team then so Aaron, being the posterboy for altruism, sent her away to spare her of the emotional pain. Moreover, he was creating a safe space for himself. It's just him and a barely conscious dying woman, he could let himself be vulnerable.

after finding out that's truly going on with abbey, Aaron for the first time opened up about his childhood&his relationship with his father, to both abbey and his son. he again did it while no one else was around to hear, no one else would ever know, to a couple of strangers, who he knew wouldn't cross path again.

He glossed over his relationship with his father, he didn't mention whether they got along, whether they cared for each other, and he talked to abbey's son in a way as if his father was a noble man like abbey, which clearly was a lie, he probably was just trying to help the father&son reconcile, the boy needed to know his father was a good man. If anyone knows how important a positive parental figure is to a kid, it's Aaron.

Then here's the famous broke down moment. He was barely controlling himself at that point. As I pointed out in a previous post, he became much more repressed after s3, so at this point he was actually quite emotional and relatively open about it, to the point even the police officer could tell he was emotionally compromised.

so what did he do when he had a emotional breakdown? he stormed out the room and hid in a storage room.

only Gideon approached him, similar to when Dave approached him after Foyet killed a bus full of people and he went and hid in an ally. Gideon and Dave probably are the only ones allowed to see him break. (and Gideon only ever admitted his issues to Aaron)

But even as he could barely hold the tears back he didn't indulge in his emotions, he drew a parallel between him and Abbey and deduced abbey's next move. master level deflection, doctorate level self control.

internal/external judgement

He relies on both internal (subjective) and external (objective) facts to support his judgements/assessment, He needs absolutely control over them in order to make sure his reaction/decision making are correct, not letting brain chemistry (or any other chemistry, as we see in Mr.Scratch) take over.

just because he's reluctant to show doesn't mean he's less emotional than others. Pete Buttigieg said it's precisely because he felt so strongly that he learned to govern them at a young age. I think Aaron's the same. he's a leader, it's required of him to be calm, and his job is literally life or death, he can't let personal feelings get effect him, plus his unfortunate childhood, he believes that he has to do everything absolutely right. so after decades of training, rational thinking became a part of him.

everyone, even Gideon was in shambles when Reid was taken in the Revelation. All of them assumed Reid chose Aaron bc he somehow meant it and Aaron stormed out the room in anger. But no. Aaron wasn't angry, he was excited, bc he understood Reid's message.

maybe his control is part of the reason why Reid chose him. he trusted Aaron to be rational, to be able to think under tremendous emotional turbulence.

I find it rather terrifying even with everything spiraling in '100', he remained the most collected and was always one step ahead of the whole team. he knew theoretically what to say and not to say to Foyet, he managed to hide Jack, when he entered the house he knew exactly where the flashlight was, he searched each room with tactical precision, and was able to spot foyet despite the sudden shock and grief of just seeing haley's dead body.

similar situation in Mr. Scratch. not only did he broke the drug's influence, he also profiled him accurately while under. that's fucking inhuman.

sure he'd lost his cool a few times, but not nearly as much as others. his mind is practically a fortress. (can someone be 'too' calm?)

2. his immediate environment

obviously he's the boss man, he has to have total control over the situation, but it's more than that, he wants to be able to predict, if not control, everyone who works for/with him.

as we see in the case of Emily, he couldn't stand being blindsided. And being the new member, she accidentally pushed a button she didn't know exited - she questioned his authority in public. Aaron didn't need more reasons to dislike her. so despite her doing a good job, the slightest form of insubordination was intolerable.

It was totally unfair but it speaks volume of his control issues. Emily wasn't vetted by him or Gideon, worse, she might be a plant by Strauss to sabotage him and the team. Aaron had every reason to doubt her, his distrust was not entirely unfounded. at least that's what he believed.

in Profiler Profiled Aaron was livid when he found out Morgan was hiding information from him. Morgan didn't have to tell him about his records, but Aaron thought otherwise.

this's his team, he believed he oughtta know every bit of the team's life in order to better protect them.

Morgan needs to thank Gideon for pointing out Aaron's hypocrisy lmao

in the Piano Man he asked the team to stay longer when they usually take off as soon as the police close the case, bc they “need to help the DA build an airtight case.” I'm assuming he would've been offended if other ppl barge into his office and imply he couldn't do his job lmao

He talked about trust among the team with Emily, how that's the only way a team could function. but truth to be told, he isn't a particularly trusting person. he needs to thoroughly observe and asses and test a person, and it takes him longer time than it does other people.

3.Everything

“I wanted to stop them before [the murder cases] hit my desk.” Aaron Hotchner season 1 episode 13

“I think your biggest fear is that you can't save everyone...It's worse than I thought.” Dr. Goodman, season 3 episode 3

aside from his hero complex and altruistic tendency, what these two lines conveyed was a man desperately trying to control the whole fucking world. To change it, to make a difference.

if someone completely unknown to you says they want to get ahead of killers and catch them before they kill (more) people, you'd probably think they're 1) very noble 2) unrealistic&idealistic 3) hatching up a mass surveillance program.

not everyone believes in psychology, not to mention behavior analysis. He left the prosecutor's office, a promising career, for it bc he felt powerless. he might think, “people are abducted, raped and killed while I'm sitting in a nice office reading a case file 6 months old. this's not acceptable.”

the lack of control and inability to act drove him to the BSU.

he and Morgan got into the justice system (partly) bc of their life experience. Morgan doesn't want to save “everyone” since he believes there're people who deserve a needle to their arm.

Aaron on the other hand, really wanted to save everyone. interestingly, the doctor didn't expect that, he detected Aaron's intention to actually save him instead of letting him die, that's why he added “it's worse than I thought.”

#aaron hotchner #criminal minds #it's been sitting in my draft for so long #I literally don't remember if there's more to it #whatever

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nabtime · 4 years

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Hold My Broken Hands, Ignite My Burning Heart

1h27min/25 songs that make me think of Tododeku in different ways

Fire - Diskopunk // Out of My League - Fitz and The Tantrums // Aawake at Night - halfalive // Bad Liar - Selena Gomez // Collide - Howie Day // Falling For U - Peachy!, mxmtoon // Crush - Tessa Violet // Would You Be So Kind - dodie // Please Notice - Christian Leave // I See You - MISSIO // Talk Too Much - COIN // Tongue Tied - Grouplove // When the Day Met the Night - Panic! at the Disco // First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes // Home to You - Sigrid // Fall On Me - A Great Big World // Grow As We Go - Ben Platt // Two - Sleeping at Last // High Hope - Patrick Droney // Talk to Me - Cavetown // Sunkissed - khai dreams // I Do Adore - Mindy Gledhill // Pink in the Night - Mitski // Laundry Room - The Avett Brothers // Brand New Day - Kodaline

explanations for song choice under the cut ! its looooong

Fire - “When I saw you a fire / Started in my heart / I looked at you again / Yeah, you've burned from the start”

Every tododeku fic youve ever read has a moment like this or a moment similar. izuku has to light shouto on fire either metaphorically or literally. “It’s your power, isn’t it?” This song is for that. its about a spark that ignites between them, whatever the catalyst, and sets the world around them ablaze (wonder, gratitude, amazement, relief, an all-encompassing light and bubbly feeling that leaves them stunned and in love)

Out of My League - “You were out of my league / Got my heartbeat racing / If I die, don't wake me / 'Cause you are more than just a dream”

both of these idiots, at one point or another, think that the other one is out of their league. Izuku is far too cute and personable and an over all sunshine beacon and obviously he is far too good of a person to ever be in Todoroki’s league and Todoroki is far too beautiful and composed and an over all competent badass to ever be in Midoriya’s league

Aawake at Night - “ Alone in a crowded room / My eyes will search for you / Abandoned by my company / I'll search for what's in front of me / And hope that I find something new”

a tribute to those fics where Midoriya and Todoroki meet at a party. where they lock eyes and everything begins from there bc damn if they hadn’t just spotted the hottest person theyd ever seen. its about those fics where theyre both awkward wallflowers finding solidarity in not wanting to be at this party that their friends dragged them and abandoned them in

Collide - “ I'm open, you're closed / Where I follow, you'll go / I worry I won't see your face / Light up again / Even the best fall down sometimes / Even the wrong words seem to rhyme / Out of the doubt that fills my mind / I somehow find / You and I collide”

what is this an early 20s comedy show that has its surprisingly deep/romantic subplot moments? absolutely and there’s noting you can do about it. its about Midoriya punching Todoroki with friendship and then showing him via the dekusquad how to be a person and that friendship slowly evolving into love. its about Midoriya being fumbling and awkward sometimes bc this is the first time hes ever had friends or a crush that he actually talks to?? on a regular basis?? and even though getting together is a clumsy mess they still come together

Bad Liar - “ Oh I'm tryin' / Not to think about you / With my feelings on fire / Guess I'm a bad liar “

Theyre gay and trying to repress their feelings and thankfully its not really working out for them. its about the boys trying so so hard to not be in love with the other for whatever reasons the fic has (he’s my best friend and i dont wanna ruin it, obviously he doesnt like me like that, my father would kill him, etc etc) and failing miserably.

Falling For U - “ I didn't wanna believe my feelings for you / I didn't wanna believe that I could lose you / If I told you just how I felt “

Gay repression and mutual pining take 2 ! but also including That Moment when oh everything comes together and oh my goodness im in love ?? and Midoriya cant believe the world is crashing down around him and Todoroki has set himself on fire and theyre both so dense and suffering from so much emotional trauma but here they are, in love.

Crush - “ You make it difficult to not overthink / And when I'm with you I turn all shades of pink, ah / I wanna touch you but don't wanna be weird / It's such a rush, I'm thinking wish you were here, ah-ahh “

doesnt matter when the fic is set, if theyre teenagers or adults, these boys are the epitome of puppy love crushes and blushes and fumbled awkward words and gestures and not quite knowing what to do with their feelings and theyre both so anxious about and its always such a relief to find out that its all mutual but still, having that crush is always like being hit over the head with affection

Would You Be So Kind - “ Oh would you be / So kind / As to fall in love with me, you see / I'm trying / I know you know that I like you / But that's not enough / So if you will / Please fall in love “

oooo its about that sweet sweet mutual pining that they both thing will forever remain unrequited and that yearning for the other to love just as much as them. its about the boys falling into daydreams about what it would be like if their feelings were mutual. its about that first fumbling confession maybe where its either todoroki being blunt or midoriya finally scraping together his courage and always always saying “its okay if you dont feel the same, we can forget this and still be friends, but i need you to know...” and its about hoping, hoping so much, that they wont stay friends and that maybe, if the other takes the chance, he’ll fall in love too (even tho he’s already there) its about skirting the edge of friendship and pushing boundaries into the romantic hoping that it sparks something (even tho it already has) its about fake dating with a crush and never demanding that the other not fall in love (bc maybe theres hope)

Please Notice - “ Do you know how in love with you / I am / Do you see how in love with you / I am / Every thing that you do, it makes my heart stop / Oh, it stops / And baby when you sleep, do you dream of me? “

its about that hope again. its about midoriya staying up so late at night overthinking everything hes ever done and wondering if todoroki is just humoring him bc his crush on the other is just so so obvious and it feels so awful to know that hes so obvious and todoroki is just playing along and he wonders if todoroki really knows how much he loves him. its about todoroki in his own room, worrying about the same thing. its about noticing the little things about each other. its about already knowing a whole host of secrets and knowing its okay to trust themselves to the other. its about midoriya noticing everything about todoroki and detailing all his little ticks and favorite things in his notebooks and hoping that todoroki notices just as many things about him, wanting the other to feel the same depth of feelings. its about todoroki becoming more and more emotionally aware (heroes can cry too) and noticing everything about midoriya and thinking hes just cataloging everything he’d need to take down a rival but do you really need to know all of someones different smiles in order to fight them?

I See You - “ I'm alone with you / You're alone with me / And I'm hoping that you will see yourself / Like I see you / Yes, I see you “

its about mutually loving each other even in the hard times, even in the sad times. its about that sweet sweet hurt/comfort that the both of them inevitably have to have bc of the trauma each of them have faced either in their childhood or together as heroes. its about being able to see through the masks that they both have whether it be a stoic one or a smile. its about hoping that the other will see their own inherent worth past their hurting and understand why they love them. its about hoping the other will see how much they love them

Talk Too Much - “ You know I talk too much / Honey, come put your lips on mine and shut me up / We could blame it all on human nature / Stay cool, it's just a kiss / Oh, why you gotta be so talkative? / I talk too much, we talk too much “

a cute and silly song about midoriya being overly talkative bc hes a little chatterbox and we all know that todoroki loves it but sometimes it get a little frustrating when he wants kisses instead of the fifty-third rant about all mights golden age costume design (really todo it was a brilliantly done color scheme and- and the symbolism!) and maybe sometimes even midoriya would rather be kissing than talking too

Tongue Tied - “ I loved you then and I love you now / Oh yeah / Don't take me tongue tied / Don't wave no goodbye “

kinda debated about whether or not this one fit enough to keep but its a bop so it stays. its mostly the tongue tied part of the lyrics that apply bc both the boys get a little mixed up and tongue tied when it comes to talking to each other when theyre in love and crushing hard ( mostly midoriya but todoroki too)

When the Day Met the Night - “ When the moon fell in love with the sun / All was golden in the sky / All was golden when the day met the night “

do i really need to day more than sun and moon motif tododeku? its about izuku bringing warmth back to shoutos life and shouto being a steady gentle presence for izuku. its about izuku being able to light up a room and shouto being full of radiant grace and the two coming together as opposites in harmony

First Day of My Life - “ Yours was the first face that I saw / I think I was blind before I met you / And I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been / But I know where I want to go / And so I'd thought I'd let you know / Yeah, these things take forever, I especially am slow / But I realized that I need you / And I wondered if I could come home “

we’re getting into the really mushy gushy songs that make me sigh like a lovelorn maiden or something. i love this one for tododeku especially with the sports festival in mind as a sort of awakening. like shouto had only just realized what it was like to fully live for himself bc of izuku. izuku really opened up a path for him and guided him out of his misery into a brand new life full of acceptance and love. and shouto was there to return that love tenfold to izuku who hadnt really ever felt such devotion before. its about finally realizing that they can be so good together. its about wanting to come home to each other

Home to You - “ But I see the world so different now / But there's a place by the sea and that's my town / When I don't know what to say / When I don't know what to do / There's a room I need to sit in / Surrounded by my favorite view / When I need a hand to hold / Someone to tell the truth / Would it be okay if I came home to you? “

One of my favorite ooey gooey songs about coming home and finding solace in another, which is just so perfect for tododeku. i love it when shouto feels like izuku is his home. that hes never felt like he truly belonged anywhere before he started belonging in izukus arms, holding his hand, and loving him. i feel like they would be good for settling each others doubts and fears. izuku worries that hes not good enough, that he needs to do more in whatever hes doing, that he will once again be found useless. but shouto is no nonsense enough to tell him straight that hes enough, hes wonderful, and already does so so much that its astounding and izuku cant help but to believe him. and when shouto starts to think hes like his father too much in the wrong way, starting to doubt is path in life, or thinks that his trauma makes him too difficult to deal with. but izuku is far too open and loving and shouto knows hes far too good to ever let shouto be what he fears most and izuku is there to remind him of all the good things hes done to earn that love. its about both of them being emotionally repressed in different ways and not knowing what to do or what to say but finding a way to communicate with each other anyway.

Fall On Me - “ Fly like a cannonball straight to my soul / Tear me to pieces and make me feel whole / I'm willing to fight for it / To feel something new / To know what it's like to be sharing a space with you “

there can be a lot of challenges for the boys depending on the setting their relationship takes place in; shouto’s father always plays a role, kacchans attitude whether a constant interference or a ghost of izuku’s past, acceptance from the outside world, acceptance from friends and family, power imbalance (shoutos a prince and izukus a servant/knight/random adventurer) and a whole host of fic specific issues. this is about falling in love with each other despite them all, this is about begging each other to fall despite the dangers, this is about fighting to be together anyway. this is about finding an impossible love that shocks your soul and embracing it with all your heart.

Grow As We Go - “ I don't know who we'll become / I can't promise it's not written in the stars / But I believe that when it's done / We're gonna see that it was better / That we grew up together / Tell me you don't wanna leave / 'Cause if change is what you need / You can change right next to me / When you're high, I'll take the lows / You can ebb and I can flow / We'll take it slow / And grow as we go “

you know some of those fics that hurt good bc mostly izuku but sometimes also shouto decide that their hero careers need to come first and that having a relationship would only interfere with that despite the fact that they love each other a lot? this is the song that plays when they realize that’s not true and come together and decide to be together anyway and that theyll be stronger for it. its about growing together as a couple as well as separately and still loving each other even through the changes. its about rising through the ranks together. learning about the world, together. and its about taking on any challenge thrown at them. together. growing, changing, loving.

Two - “ I know exactly how the rule goes / Put my mask on first / No, I don't want to talk about myself / Tell me where it hurts / I just want to build you up, build you up / 'Til you're good as new / And maybe one day I will get around to fixing myself too / Like a force to be reckoned with / A mighty ocean or a gentle kiss / I will love you with every single thing I have / Like a tidal wave, I'll make a mess / Or calm waters, if that serves you best / I will love you without any strings attached “

listen listen this song is so so so good for tododeku like look at those lyrics i just wanna cry about it. its about highlighting the flaws that can happen in their relationship when theyre both trying to fix the other more than to help themselves (especially izuku like baby boy please) its about making the promise to love each other unconditionally bc neither have really had that before outside of their moms? (and shoutos sibs) love without strings attached (doesnt matter if you were quirkless, doesnt matter if youre not the number one hero, doesnt matter that youve been through so much trauma ill help you and love you anyway) both of them striving to be the best fit for the other either a tidal wave or calm waters, eaither righteous fury or gentle love and its about just being so so thankful that they love each other even through the hard times

High Hope - “ Know you're coming from a bad place / Honey, I was there just yesterday / So I know the time it's gonna take / For you to feel like you again / And I'll be here if you need me / If you don't, just know / I've got a high, high, high, high hope “

this about past trauma and shared trauma and healing both on their own and together and knowing their relationship can weather through it all. this is about izuku comforting shouto through everything about his father and his family and the feelings that dredge up when someone asks about endeavor and its about shouto helping izuku through his complicated relationship with katsuki and how he flinches when a villain says his hero name in just the wrong tone. its about izuku covering shoutos scar with kisses and its about shouto tracing his fingers along the scar tissue on izukus hands. its about being patient and waiting and helping each other through times that feel like just too much to handle.

Talk to Me - “ You don't have to be a hero to save the world / You don't have to be a prodigy to be unique / You don't have to know what to say or what to think / You don't have to be anybody you can never be / That's alright, let it out, talk to me “

its about both of them living up to the high expectations placed on their shoulders and telling each other that theyre enough. that izuku doesnt have to be the next symbol of peace exactly like all might. that shouto doesnt have to be the number one hero exactly like his father. its about encouraging each other to talk even though their both bad at it; izuku mumbles and stutters and takes forever to get to the point and shouto takes a long time to say what hes thinking and form it all into words and sometimes he still cant find the right ones. but shouto is patient and so is izuku.

Sunkissed - “ So slowly a sunlit dream pulls me out of sleep / Feel the morning through the blinds / I turn my head to meet your sunkissed face / In this quite place I can give you all my time “

the ooiest and gooiest and again with all the sunlight that always used as a lovely motif. izuku is always lit up like the sun and shoutos hair always catches the light just so. its about finding each other and falling into a home and comfort together and being disgustingly in love with each other. its about the comfort that comes after the hurt and being happy and being at peace with each other

I Do Adore - “ When you're near, I hide my blushing face / And trip on my shoelaces / Grace just isn't my forté / But it brings me to my knees when you say / Hello, how are you, my darling, today? / I fall into a pile on the floor / Puppy love is hard to ignore / When every little thing you do, I do adore “

ah another cute to emphasize that both the boys are dorks and sometimes even when theyve established that they like each other they cant help but combust into blushing messes. its about how sometimes shouto still lights himself on fire when izuku has a rare bout of confidence and really zuku that was very bold and my heart cant take it and about how shouto can still shock izuku speechless with a few well timed kisses

Pink in the Night - “ I could stare at your back all day / And I know I've kissed you before, but / I didn't do it right / Can I try again, try again, try again / Try again, and again, and again “

izukus got a nice strong back and so does shouto (theyre heroes of course they cut a nice figure) and sometimes shouto gets lost in daydreams and sometimes izuku does too and its about the soft soft kisses that neither can get enough of. its about the yearning despite finding each other bc sometimes it doesnt feel real and ya gotta kiss again and again just to make sure and honestly its a mitski song what more to you want from me

Laundry Room - “ Don't push me out / Just a little longer / Stall your mother / Disregard your father's words / Close the laundry door / Tiptoe across the floor / Keep your clothes on / I've got all that I can take / Teach me how to use / The love that people say you made “

theres just so many fics about laundry? what makes doing laundry together so intimate? sharing detergent and smelling like each others clothes? showing a part of yourself to someone else? anyway, its about love and being home with each other and wishing the love will last. its about sometimes things dont end so well and you want to turn back time and sometimes izuku leaves and sometimes shouto runs but most times one or the other comes back and it all hurts but the love again is worth it

Brand New Day - “ I'll be flicking stones at your window / I'll be waiting outside 'til you're ready to go / Won't you come down? Come away with me / Think of all the places we could be / I'll be waiting, waiting on a brand new day “

its about running away together or just traveling the word together or going out on a journey (always together) its about izuku wanting to go to the states for hero work or about prince shouto needing to complete a quest to be free of his father and its about izuku not wanting to go without shouto and about prince shouto only loving the journey after picking up a stray green-haired adventurer. its about beginning something new together, its about ending one chapter and starting another.

oh tha t took soooooo long . .. anyway ! hope you enjoyed !!!

#tododeku #todoroki shouto #midoriya izuku #naps mixes

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sicklylittlesnowflake · 6 years

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So I am in /desperate/ need of an injured Grantaire because of a bar fight (maybe ‘protecting Enjolras’ honour’ type thing in which he tells some idiot to stop badmouthing his sun) and Enjolras not knowing until he walks in to find Grantaire bleeding all over the place with broken or bruised ribs like ‘it’s nothing’

(Combined bc these prompts are similar!! Ok real talk I love this prompt a lot tho?? I had a lot of fun with this!)

It’s quarter after one and the all the buzz of earlier that evening has died down considerably. The Cafe Musain is relatively calm, quiet with the exception of the slight and quiet chatter of those who remained. It’s nice, and Grantaire is calm.

He takes this time for himself as he walks aimlessly around the area, appreciating life for a moment. Grantaire watches the other happy people, their laughter leaving a warm fuzzy feeling in his stomach. There is something so cozy about being inside a warm cafe during a cold winters night and the slight warmth from the one beer he had that night. He thinks about the glee of those surrounding him, and when he heads his way down the stairs ready to walk home, listen to the music along the cobbled pavement, he sees his main source of glee, glowing with all that he is.

Butterflies flutter in his stomach and he feels like he is flowing when he sees bouncy golden curls hunched over a seat. Grantaire can’t help the idiotic, smitten smile that laces his lips as he inches closer to who he wished was his.

Grantaire swings onto the chair next to him with a charming, a little sloppy, grin on his face, prepared to say something sly or playful, when his smile is suddenly wiped off his face when he realises his beloved is not glowing as bright as he usually is.

There’s a few tears falling down his flushed face, a massive contrast against his complexion. Strewn about him is a collection of cans of alcohol. He normally smells of coffee and chocolate cake but now he reeks of what seems like a concoction of Kronenbourg and Guinness.

“Enjolras?” Grantaire immediately says, concerned and alarmed.

Enjolras jumps, only now broken out of his own world. He becomes aware of the world around him and he wipes away his tears quickly, turning to face him with a shaky smile.

“Hey ‘Taire,” He singsongs, but his timbre is wobbly and there’s something behind his eyes that aren’t quite as bright as he intends.

“E..what’s going on sunshine?” Grantaire asks softly, his gaze drifting towards Enjolras’ shaking hands.

Enjolras shakes his head, clearing his throat, but it doesn’t stop his voice from cracking, “Nothing. Nothing. I’m fine.”

“Then why are you drinking so heavily? C'mon E, this isn’t you. We’ve talked about this before; you don’t need to repress your emotions from me, or from anyone. It’s no use bottling it all up. Please talk to me,” Grantaire encourages, there’s a steadiness and firmness to his voice but gentle enough. He knows Enjolras so well. Grantaire eyes his shaking hands again and he gestures towards them.

“Yeah, yeah, you can hold them, a-actually please do,” Enjolras whispers as to keep himself from bursting into tears again. Grantaire reaches in and laces his fingers with Enjolras’s, holding firmly but gently, strong but loving. He tries to ignore the lovesick voice at the back of his head, screeching for more.

Enjolras lets out a shaky breath and nods, gently fiddling with Grantaire’s fingers in a blissfully absentminded way. He subconsciously clings onto Grantaire for support, and the way Enjolras’ fingers brush against his make the butterflies in his stomach wildly dance and his chest soar.

“I just..I’ve had an off day. I just woke up this morning..feeling really blue, you know? I mean, I have them often and it doesn’t really faze me as much now, you know, I was getting through the day. But since I feel so empty I was empty at the meeting earlier and I was lifeless and dull, and pathetic, nothing like a leader should be and I fucked up earlier. Loads of people weren’t listening and I don’t blame them because why would they, and I just feel like I’ve failed miserably and now I’ve tuned the other Amis off the cause because I can’t fucking feel happy and–”

Enjolras can’ tbite back the sob, he slaps a hand over his mouth to stop himself. Grantaire gives his hand a gentle squeeze.

“And to make everything worse I saw two guys from my high school–they’re the sons of my dad’s business partners and they tormented me so many years and they still are–they’re passing through town and they saw me and I could hear them talking about all these horrible and disgusting creepy stuff about me and all these homophobic bullshit and how much of a failure and disgrace I am to my family and now I keep thinking of my father and maybe he was right all along, maybe they are right, maybe they’re–”

Hearing all of the people who have hurt his sunshine made Grantaire’s blood boil. He could feel a fiery passion building up within him, an anger that was begging to be released. Grantaire cups Enjolras’s face and brought it over so they were looking at each other, looking at him intensely.

“They are so wrong about you. You are strong, and brave, beautiful, intelligent..You incredibly bright and talented and the world has to brace itself because you’re here to take it by storm. You are not a disgrace, E. We all love you, we all look up to you. I know you don’t see it but you’re a great leader, because you have bad days, because you have bad days but you persevere and you live for another day. Don’t let anybody take that away from you. And if these guys give you any trouble again, let them know there’s a very angry Grantaire ready to show some fists,” Grantaire promises as he carefully wiped tears away from his face.

Enjolras manages, a chuckle, and he could begin to see a little bit of that bright, spectacular smile again.

Grantaire couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face, “There it is.”

Enjolras leans in to give Grantaire a hug, nuzzling his nose into Grantaire’s hair, whispering a breathy and loving, “Thank you.”

It sent shivers up his spine and he felt like a chilly but somehow cozy winter’s breeze brush against him.

“Lets go home, okay? I’m driving you–you are far too drunk to be walking. You need your rest, Apollo, we’ve got a big day tomorrow,” Grantaire remarks, at hoisting Enjolras onto his feet and slinging his arm over his shoulder, holding him close and he feared the moment he’d have to let go.

Despite all the love and warmth he could feel soaring all throughout him, Grantaire couldn’t quite shake the anger still boiling in his heart and the burning passion for justice for the wrongs done to his sunshine. He could not rest.

“Hey Bossuet! You seen Enjolras?” Grantaire calls out to his friend as he jogs up to him, slightly flustered and out of breath.

“Yeah! He’s just over there, getting ready for the speech–he’ll be on in about 5 minutes so you better get to him now!” Bossuet says quickly as he walks off to get his seat in the audience and watch.

Grantaire nods and heads over to Enjolras who is waiting for his queue to go on. His face is blank, breathing deeply to try and get himself into the right headspace. He’s gathering energy, building up the fire. Creating just the right spark.

And Grantaire knows he hasn’t quite got it.

Enjolras lets out a frustrated sigh and stings his hands anxiously, until he realises Grantaire’s presence.

“Oh! Hey ‘Taire,” Enjolras greets.

“Hey you, how you feeling?” He asks sweetly.

“Not great. I don’t have it, I can’t get the fire started. Yesterday just..kinda extinguished it. I’m not sure if I can get it back,” Enjolras admits quietly.

Grantaire gives him a reassuring smile and holds him by the soldiers firmly, “You’ve got it. It’s right inside you. But you gotta let go of these thoughts and voices and people who are withholding you and your entirety. Once you do that, I know you’ll get it.”

Enjolras smiled softly and kisses Grantaire on the cheek quickly, so sweet that Grantaire could have melted into a puddle. He felt a little bit shaken after that, swept off his feet, light as a feather.

“Think of someone who makes you feel safe.”

With that, Grantaire leaves with a thumbs up and heads towards the audience to watch his beloved. And unbeknownst to him, Enjolras had thought of him the whole time.

When Enjolras steps onto the stage, he’s still a little out of it. And before he can even speak a voice echoes, loud and harsh and cold. It freezes him.

“It’s the fucking disgrace!” A man yells.

Then comes the homophobic comments, the disgusting remarks. The words are like nails against a chalkboard for Grantaire, and it makes his blood boil and he can feel the fire rising in his body and he feels the anger sizzling within him.

Grantaire finds his attention averting towards the noise and ruckus and he finds his target, eyes of venom as he sees the two men guilty of this crime. He has company, Combeferre is glaring and Jehan is too while holding Courfeyrac back.

Enjolras is frozen, and the crowd watches on, a mixture of confusion and pity and discomfort. He sees his sunshine scan the crowd anxiously, he can see the breathing pick up but suddenly like this magnetic inclination, this electric attraction, this connection, they meet eyes.

Enjolras’s gaze locks onto his and suddenly he thaws. He steadies himself with him as his anchor and Grantaire is all he sees. The rest of the world does not exist. The fire is lit.

And Enjolras burns with fire as he speaks, and the crowd roars with him.

The energy is soaring high when the speech finishes. There’s this pulsating adrenaline in the air afterwards, this beautiful high and everyone’s light and breezy, celebrating this victory. This enlightenment.

But Grantaire seethes in his anger, there seems to be a thunder cloud looming above him and the lightning is striking.

Grantaire wishes he could be calm because he wants so badly to find Enjolras and hug him and tell him he told him so, celebrate with his friends, but he can’t quite shake that bitter feeling of injustice stinging at his heart.

He takes a swig of the Kronenbourg he has in his hand and relishes the metallic warmth as it slides down his throat, the heat in his stomach only seeming to progress the fury building within him. Grantaire sits there with himself and his anger, in a world of his own with his fiery thoughts rampaging a storm until he is pulled back to reality with a grating voice that cements him back to this reality.

“What a fucking queer..You know, he’s actually smart, he could have been working for his father at this stage.”

“God yeah, he had it all. He had girls lining up to even talk to him. To be fair he is good looking–he just had to go that way, it’s so disgusting. And he had to pursue that stupid English degree–which is so fucking stupid.”

Grantaire tenses more and more as more and more slurs piled up, until he just couldn’t anymore.

He had reached a breaking point, something inside of him snaps and he loses control.

Grantaire liftshimself off the bar and plonks his beer onto the table, shoving himself off his seat. He pushes through the crowds of people, and as he gets closer and closer he can hear better and the insults get louder and Grantaire gets angrier, picking up pace and his fury builds up onto this climatic crescendo.

He pushes past until he makes it to the table where the two perpetrators sit. Fiery rage ablaze, panting. The two look over at him and raise an eyebrow.

“Who are you?”

And Grantaire’s fists meet their faces.

Grantaire lunges and pounds with fire, he feels this fire come ablaze and spread, he punches with force and he feels the adrenaline pump. It feels great.

Until he is kicked off, and he feels a sharp, stinging pain rise up hid body and he yells out in pain. Firsts come into contact with his face, and he feels the rough and hard bones like concrete against his face. He cries out as a a sharp and tremendous blow explodes by his rib cage, the pain and hurt radiating like tremors throughout his body. Grantaire hisses in pain and spits the metallic taste of blood onto the floor of the bar.

Grantaire groans, unable to pick himself up from the floor, but he manages to look up to see one of the guys standing, looming over him, preparing for the last blow. But before he does he kicks him off balance and lunges, pouncing on him and punching him repeatedly. The two scramble out, limping, leaving Grantaire leeched of all energy and dropping onto the floor.

He can hardly hear the commotion before him because all he can think of is the impending and worsening pain by the second. But through all the madness and noise he can hear a familiar voice calling for him and it sounds like a sweet familiar melody calling him home.

“Grantaire?! Grantaire–’-TAIRE! Oh my god!” Enjolras screams, pushing violently past the ring of people that have crowded around him and he slides onto the floor by his side.

He holds Grantaire up with so much warmth, his touch so loving and secure, like he’s determined to never let him go.

“Oh god, R, I was so scared–I couldn’t find you and–fuck! What’s happened to you?! Where does it hurt?!”

Grantaire gruntsvin pain, reaching out for Enjolras’s hand to cement him back to earth, as a lifeline, squeezing it tight, “My ribs.”

“Oh fuck, why’d you do this?!” Enjolras cries out frantically, placing an arm around him to try and support him.

“For you,” Grantaire chokes out, a few spatters of blood flying from his mouth.

Enjolras freezes, bewildered, confused. “Me..? Why would you..?”

“Because I love you–aaAHH!!” Grantaire yells as his ribs scream out to him, a intemperate scorching pain pulsating throughout his ribs. He cries out in pain, hissing as the pain ravages him.

For a second Enjolras is frozen, but soon after his instincts kick back in and he hoists Grantaire to his feet, away from here, to a place where he can be fixed up again.

“Stay with me sweetheart, you’re going to be fine,” Enjolras repeats over and over as he drives frantically to the hospital, Grantaire groaning out in pain in the backseat, squirming, hissing. He’s not really sure if he’s saying it for Grantaire or for himself.

Grantaire cries out as a new tidal wave of pain comes in with a vengeance and washes all over him. Enjolras bites back his tears, loathing the amount of pain his beloved was in, and how it was because of him.

“You shouldn’t have done this for me,” Enjolras whispers, and it doesn’t quite reach Grantaire and in a way he’s glad it didn’t.

But he can’t quite ignore that persisting feeling within him, the three worded sentence echoing in him repeatedly like a mantra. He doesn’t quite feel like he’s here, like he’s gone on autopilot, because his world has just been shaken and it cannot go back to how it used to be ever again.

Enjolras is not sure how long he’s waited but each moment lasts forever and it feels like he’s known nothing but this torturous limbo.

The ticking clock seems to be taunting him, playing with his heart. He breathes in ragged breaths and wrings his hands anxiously, tapping his foot to a syncopated rapid rhythm. He cannot rest until he knows Grantaire is okay.

He springs up to his feet when the doctor comes out of the room.

“Is he okay?!” Enjolras yelps.

The doctor is taken aback a little, “He will be just fine, sir. He has pretty severely bruised ribs, and quite a few more bruises. He’ll be in a lot of pain for the next few weeks but we’ve loaded him up on some painkillers. You may see him if you wish.”

Enjolras nods quickly and pushes past the doctor to meet Grantaire, sitting up on the bed with an ice pack pressed against his cheek.

The sight of him–his blackened eye, bruises face, scratches and swollen all over, in pain, brought him to tears.

Enjolras bit back the sob that threatened to leave him, and he aggressively swiped the incoming tears from his eyes.

“What the fuck?! Why did you do that?!” He cried out, angry, shaky, trying not to succumb to his tears.

“What? Because–E, they were disrespecting you!”

“And so?! You didn’t have to! Leave them be–they will always disrespect me, it didn’t do anything, did it? Now you’re hurt without reason! Don’t fucking do that!”

“Without reason?! You are reason enough, E! Do you not appreciate what I’ve done?!”

“No! No I don’t! I do not appreciate you bloodied and screaming in pain my arms, I do not appreciate the anxiety and fear taking over me in fear id lose you! I do not appreciate my heart pounding out of my chest in a rush to make you okay again!”

Grantaire softened, “E..”

Enjolras couldn’t help the tears flowing freely now, “You don’t understand. You don’t understand, seeing you hurt hurts me.”

Grantaire sighs heavily, “Of course I understand. You don’t understand why I did it. You should’ve seen your eyes. You are sunshine, Enjolras. You’re radiant. You glow. Yesterday you were full, dark, like all the life and light had been sucked out of you. You were empty and it hurt me too. I couldn’t let it happen ever again, because I..i..”

A silence fell upon them.

And suddenly Enjolras leans in and his lips collides against his, sparks flying between them in this wonderfully electric connection. He can feel a fire, a blazing fire full of life. Grantaire is glowing.

Enjolras pulls away, “I-I’m sorry, I..”

Before he could speak any further Grantaire pullsback in, grabbing by his shirt and kissing him like it would be his last, letting the warmth rush through him once again. He shivers as Enjolras puts his hands through his hair, and it’s like the air has locked into place for the first time really.

“I-I’m sorry to interrupt..” A nurse calls out with embarrassment.

The two quickly pull away in shock, looking at each other with bewilderment until they end up in giggles.

Enjolras straightens up, unable to wipe the stupid grin off his face, “Sorry. I’ll..be on my way.”

He gets up to leave, but not without giving Grantaire one of those beautiful smiles that melt him all over.

“How’re you feeling, sir?”

“I don’t know m'am, like I’m a lot lighter.”

“It must be the concussion–”

“No m'am, I think it might be my heart.”

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inhale-in-hell-theres-heave-blog · 7 years

Text

romanticisation and reality

i’ve always been one to hold onto the past. it’s a very unwelcome part of me which decides that i should definitely still be awake at 2am replaying moments from days or weeks or years ago in my head and wishing i could do them again differently instead of doing what anyone else would do by laughing about it and moving on

like when i suddenly remember a much better meme i could have used to end a twitter argument which would have likely made me look a lot funnier and like i didn’t care and less like i was actually crying into some chicken selects because i had been simultaneously dumped and then humiliated lol xD

or when i think about when i used to get a bit wild on yunghan420 (follow if u want to be pissed off by the shitposts about once a week) and post things i’d immediately regret and then i’d end up with about 7 less friends than before and a lot of lost respect from people WHICH IS FAIR ENOUGH bc tbf was such a cunt on there i shouldn’t even be allowed it

or when i could have just handled things a lot better. i never know how i feel about astrology but i do basically fit the characteristics of ur classic aries, especially in doing things before thinking and putting emotions b4 rationality etc,. which is not really ideal ahahhahahahahahah it’s so bad i basically regret about 91% of social decisions and just torture myself w/ thinking about them over and over

but there’s another side to this. i realised that past memories go either way with me- either i’ll repress them and then use them as reasoning as to why i am not a functioning human & should probs be euthanised or i’ll overthink them to a point where the actual events become very overexaggerated caricatures of how they actually happened lol

e.g from september to christmas felt like a peak for me - i had a pretty stable friendship group, a boyfriend, i felt so confident etc etc

or did i???

have I just over thought it? was i really happy? am i just remembering the positives about that group and deliberately blocking out the parts where i felt left out in order to regret distancing myself (because i am alexander hamilton and i will never be satisfied clearly)?? am i overexaggerating how happy i was in that relationship and forgetting the distrust (amongst other things lmao)?? was i really happy then or am i just choosing to portray that part of my life as the happiest to make up for how i feel now? i dONT KNOW gosh darn it

again with the last boy i was with. as soon as we met i felt a click immediately and i knew that i could spend months with him. i enjoyed spending time with him more than anything else in the world, hence why i am still very hung up on him and listen to jeff buckley about 3 times a day because it reminds me of him but i digress. did i really feel this or has this only come about since he ended it? i know i’ve romanticised it to some degree, partly because it was the relationship i’ve dreamed of for so long. he took me out at night and we sat in the car and listened to the sound of the smiths and watched louis theroux in his cute lil room which was so ideal and he was older and could drive and it gave me the approval i wanted from not only him but also everyone else. it was perfect until one day it changed and he ended up telling me very nicely and gently that he wasn’t really looking for a relationship which was obviously a fucking blow when you’ve invested so much of ur already fragile self in him :-)

but what i’m trying to get at here is that i’m not sure what is really true and what i’ve romanticised. yes we had a wonderful time but it wasn’t all great. i knew he had to go to uni etc. we probably weren’t a perfect match at all. i think its just the fact it never really got started which left me able to speculate because it ended at a point where anything could have happened and gave me endless scope to romanticise what might have been if it hadn’t ended. (e.g easter ball. i had such high hopes for easter ball and when i got there all i could think about was that i could have gone with him ffs). through no real fault of his own, he left me with no choice but to picture everything that we could have been while he’s likely to have happily moved on and probably gives me very little thought or maybe thinks about me only when he sees me in school or sees my name in his contacts or scrolls past louis theroux on netflix because he’s moved on and probs sees me as a charming but unstable girl who he regrets introducing to his parents or some shit whereas i blatantly haven’t (and i probably should just face the fact i was more invested than him) AS U CAN SEE i’m just out here wondering what might have happened if we were still together

and i see myself doing this with so many things which tbf makes me worry i am basically jay gatsby who, although fictional lmao, i draw many similarities with. this sounds quite far fetched but roll w it i promise i am both revising eng lit here and also making conclusions about myself lmao. gatsby dates daisy for a month and ends up hung up on her for 5 years. he reinvents himself, changes his name, buys A MANSION TO LIVE OPPOSITE HER, THROWS HUGE FUCK OFF PARTIES IN THE HOPE SHE’D GO u get the picture. and when he eventually gets her back he’s still not satisfied. he wants more and more, for her to erase the last 5 years. DO U SEE WHAT I MEAN !! if i got him back, or my old friends back, i probably still wouldn’t be happy. i wouldn’t be able to compromise in a way that i wouldn’t regret at least one decision in that process. i would still want more SO I AM BASICALLY GATSBY AND WILL PROBS GET SHOT IN MY POOL (or hamilton bc am never satisfied so will probs get shot by my political rival or something)

so i think the real moral of this absolute shambles of self realisation is that i need to stop living in the past and focus on the future. yes i have been happy in the past but just bc these things have ended doesn’t mean i need to be unhappy. they aren’t defining factors of how i feel but merely just things to contend with which i am very sure i can do if i stop clinging onto things which once made me happy

how to do that, you ask? well i am not entirely sure but it seems fairly logical that if most of the world’s population, excluding the $10 founding father and 1920s literary figure james gatz, are able to move on and function normally then i’m sure with a bit of work i can. by acknowledging the things that happen to me as happy memories which are in my life for a reason rather than mistakes which i constantly wish i could change, hopefully i can start to move on and focus on other things !!

easier said than done haha cannot wait to slide back into sadness after writing this

jks i am trying to be positive i promise

hope u enjoyed this self absorbed shitpost with almost no real meaning except for a weak literary comparison and how i should probs move on from him bc its been a solid 7 weeks hahahahHAHAHAH banter

peace x

#what is this #why DO I STILL LIKE U ITS RUINING MY LIFE #get out of my head i'm tryin to move on #its failing can u tell #lover you really really really should have come over we would have been a beautiful couple at easter ball #look what ur missing oh wait nothing really ur probs better on ur own #self deprecation is my forte #OK DONE bye

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