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onyourowndaisymae · 1 year

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obey me brothers as songs from noah kahan's "stick season"

i don't really have any excuse for writing this over the million other things i need to write, i just really fucking love this album i beg of you please listen to it so i have a void to scream in

content warnings: season 1 and 2 plot spoilers, discussions of death, minor nightbringer spoilers

Lucifer - Strawberry Wine

"strawberry wine, and all the time we used to have // those things i miss, but know are never comin' back // for you, darlin', for you //// no thing defines a man like love that makes him soft // and sentimental like a stranger in the park // for a few moments, i see you"

a soft song about grief centered around alcohol? so painfully lucifer

strawberry wine (as far as i'm aware-- and side note that all of these interpretations are semi-official and semi-speculation) is about losing someone you loved

makes me think of his grief surrounding lilith as her older brother. in nightbringer, he talks about how he used to laugh off her visits to the human world and how that was a mistake. every time he discusses her brings this sort of softness, this melancholic haze of regret and love.

that's what strawberry wine is to me. it's love and regret and pain all mixed together into a sense of yearning for something you know is long gone.

Mammon - Orange Juice

"honey, come over, the party's gone slower // and no one will tempt you, we know you got sober // there's orange juice in the kitchen, bought for the children // it's yours if you want it, we're just glad you could visit //// feels like i've been ready for you to come home for so long // that I didn't think to ask you where you'd gone // why'd you go?"

this song literally makes me scream

orange juice is about seeing someone again for the first time in awhile and finding out that they've changed and worked to better themselves in their absence-- all while you never noticed them struggling in the first place. it's pity and regret and sympathy and hope all mixed together into a mocktail of emotion that KILLS me.

mammon is a busy guy. something is constantly on his mind. s much as he loves the people around him, it wouldn't be that hard to hide your struggles from him.

it makes me write this fanfic in my head about mammon seeing a newly sober mc a few years after the exchange program and coming to terms with the fact that as much as he cares for them, he's not always been there for them in the way they need. i have a vision so clear in my head. maybe i'll write it someday

shoutout to the "are we all just crows to you now?" lyric that i can't listen to without thinking of mammon. the disappointment and earnesty in the way he says it makes me lose my MIND

Leviathan - Come Over

"i know that it ain't much, i know that it ain't cool // oh, you don't have to tell the other kids at school // my dad will strike it rich, we'll be the big house on the block // someday I'm gonna be somebody people want //// but I'm in the business of losing your interest // and I turn a profit each time that we speak // don't you know there's a coffin buried under the garden? // was there when we got here, will be there when we leave"

come over is a song about feeling so small and out of place, about yearning for something greater feeling foolish all the while. it's insecurity, knowing you're not what you want to be, but hoping that the person you hold so dear can look past the things about you that make you squirm.

this one is my roommate's fav song, btw, so i hope i do it justice.

i see levi here in the song's insecurity, in the almost apologetic tone for not being "enough". it's all yearning for someone you worry will be ashamed of you. the song practically shuts itself down before it even starts, and this to me reminds me of that envy that keeps itself coiled around levi when he interacts with mc or groups of his brothers

the lyric "the sad kid in the sad house on Balch Street", my mind immediately pictures levi, head ducked, avoiding the spotlight most of his other brothers embrace

Satan - Northern Attitude

"if I get too close // and I'm not how you hoped // forgive my northern attitude // oh, I was raised out in the cold //// if the sun don't rise // 'til the summertime // forgive my northern attitude // oh, I was raised on little light"

i feel so passionate about this one, i feel it in my BONES

if satan wasn't from hell i could absolutely see him as a northeastern sad boy from a rainy town

northern attitude is a song about being a fuckup from fucking nowhere. the chorus (quoted above) is a plea for the listener to forgive them of their social transgressions, of not being good enough to be around, because they weren't raised with warmth and love, but rather in the cold and the dark.

satan was never an angel, unlike his brothers. they had time to roam and grow up in the celestial realm, a land of light and virtue. satan's home is the devildom in all its dark, sinful glory. that place is all he as himself-- not as an extension of lucifer's memories-- knows.

satan is also well aware that he is the avatar of wrath and clearly that is off-putting to a lot of people. especially after meeting mc, this song to me is satan trying his damnedest to go against his nature as a reckless demon and be someone they can love

Asmodeus - She Calls Me Back

"if only i could wake you up // if only i could fall asleep // i'll love you when the ocean's dry // i'll love you when the rivers freeze //// does it bite at your edges? // do you lie awake restless? // why am i so obsessive? // hanging onto every sentence // this town's the same as you left it // your page is blank but i read it // i still dial 822-993-167"

i don't think asmo, at least aesthetically, fits into stick season very well. the whole album is very rainy and depressed, unlike him. but. there is one song that stands out to me sonically, just like the way asmo stands out from his brothers. hence why she calls me back and asmo are a good match

i like asmo most when solmare decides to acknowledge his depth as a character. one of those dimensions i think is very interesting is this sort of obsessive aspect to him where he needs everyone to like him and to always be perfect all the time. it's like he uses this perfectionism to generate enough love and praise to cover his insecurities.

the first and only person asmo loves as much (or more!) than himself is mc. noting that obsessive part of him, i think that everything they do sort of eats at asmo. he's never been in genuine love before, so i think that everything about loving mc feeds into this obsessiveness. like the popularity contest where he's fighting so hard against lucifer, where simeon eventually pointed out that people want to look good in front of those that they love? that. that is the feeling i'm getting at.

when the chorus gets to the "everything's alright when she calls me back", that reads as the relief. asmo won't worry about what mc thinks or if they like someone better in those moments because there, above everything, is the feeling of love he has from just being around them.

Beelzebub - Everywhere, Everything

"would we survive in a horror movie? // i doubt it, we're too slow moving // we trust everyone we meet //// two bodies riddled with scars from our preteens // intertwine in a car's dirty backseat // stare at a drive-in screen //// we didn't know that the sun was collapsing // 'til the seas rose and the buildings came crashing // we cried, 'oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh'"

everywhere, everything is a song about wanting to stick by someone that you've grown up and grown together with through the end of the world-- or the end of yours, specifically.

beel comes off to me as SUCH a family person. i'm sure that's canon too, i just can't think of anything specific to quote atm.

this song to me seems like a reflection on the journey of the past as it mirrors the journey ahead. to me, with beelzebub, his previous life in the celestial realm came crumbling after the great celestial war-- yet he came out the other side with (most of) his loved ones to stay by his side.

i think he's willing to follow the twists and turns of fate to jostle him around, take what they need from him, so long as he gets to keep his remaining family.

when mc comes around, i think they're immediately woven into that same protective field of his. he'll go through hell and back again as long as they come out the other side with him.

Belphegor - The View Between Villages

"passed alger brook road, i'm over the bridge // a minute from home but I feel so far from it // the death of my dog, the stretch of my skin // it's all washin' over me, i'm angry again //// the things that i lost here, the people i knew // they got me surrounded for a mile or two // the car's in reverse, i'm grippin' the wheel // i'm back between villages and everything's still"

this is, unquestionably, my favorite song on the album. by a lot. it just means so much to me. the extended version WILL kill me this summer.

the view between villages starts slowly with an acknowledgement of growth while painting a picture of a slow drive through the backroads home. it's all peace and love, all growth.

then the second half of the song kicks in (quoted above) and it just hits you like a sledgehammer, picking up intensity until the final line where the world stills again. it is so, so good. the latter half is the feeling of being back home and being mobbed by your ghosts, of realizing that maybe you can't just up and walk away from your traumas like you thought you could.

to me, this feels like belphegor's experience in lesson 16. when confronted with the truth about lilith's death, all of the pain and anger and fear rushes back to him, and he just... breaks down. the swell of the music mimics that rush of emotion as it overwhelms you past your breaking point. it's the influx of righteous anger at your loss, the pain of yesterday finding its home back inside you. it's bitterness and anger and pain melding with the person you've grown to be. it's a new beast entirely.

god this is such a good fucking song

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thejosh1980 · 4 years

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Update #21 – 1 week at “The Ocean Shores Resort”

A week ago we left quarantine in Adelaide!!!

It's been another week of mixed emotions, but I have to say, for the first time in months, they've been mostly on the positive side of things.

Last Tuesday, we left the hotel without too much hassle. They'd given us a basic breakfast the night before to have first thing and they called us down early; luckily we were ready and down the stairs we went. Before you know it, we were in the hotel reception taking our masks off!

Adelaide and South Australia are COVID free, so no masks, no problems.

The checkout was quick (the big bill comes in a few weeks!!), the staff were awesome and the police informative. They all understand that quarantine is not easy on anyone, and they were patient with our questions and worries. We had won the jackpot of quarantine hotels: Pullman Adelaide and the staff helped make our stay tolerable.

Jumped in a taxi (with masks on cause we really weren't sure yet how to behave in the outside world) and off to the airport. We had to leave the hotel by 07:30, because another bus of incoming “Covicts” were coming in that morning. Our flight was at 11:50 up to Brisbane, so it was yet another waiting game to check in and fly. But first... coffee! (we actually bought a coffee from a coffee shop! Amazing!! It's the small things...).

The flight was about about 2/3's full, no masks.

Landing in Brisbane we had to do a border check, show our papers, explain where we had been and all that. The check was there to stop anyone who may have COVID from coming in without quarantining. Each State has slightly different rules, and they do change from time to time, depending on hotspots and COVID numbers. Because the flight was from Adelaide and we left the hotel directly to the airport, we made sure we had no problems entering Brisbane (Queensland). We definitely didn't want any chance of another 14 day hotel stay!!!

Our original plan was to fly into the Gold Coast airport, which is only about 35 minutes from Mum, but there were no flights on our leaving day, so we had to fly into Brisbane (which is 2 hours from Mum's). My cousin picked us up (bloody legend!). We were hungry, and we went directly to Yatala pies. This was the moment I started to realize we were almost home. The taste of home! (Yatala Pies is a well known bakery south of Brisbane, a regular stop for many).

My cousin could drive us as far as the QLD/NSW border. Once there, we walked across the border and Dave picked us up on the other side. A little complicated, but sure enough, the plan worked.

The whole experience felt like something out of the movies. Not that it was all “Hollywood”. It was more like: I can't believe this is finally happening. I wasn't really in the moment. Yet.

As we were getting close to “The Ocean Shores Resort” (which is the name we have for my Mum's house) I still didn't feel calm...

Anyhow, we arrived, and if you've seen our IG or FB Story on the day, you'd know that when I knocked on the front door, we had actually surprised Mum (a little early), and she couldn't find the front door key to let us in!! So our reunion started off with a scream and eventually a laugh!!

Mum did cry, but we all expected her to cry more... ;) Honestly, I think we both had cried too much the past 2 months, it was no longer needed. It was all about joy and happiness.

After meeting and hugging Alex (some more tears) we entered the house to find Mum had a “welcome home” sign and our picture up on the walls (lots of me and Alex, can't go wrong with that!!).

It was surreal.

A quick house tour for Alex and we settled down. Lots of chatting and catching up to do, and a roast dinner!

We'd made it.

The next morning (Wednesday), a son's work is never done and I was up early to take Mum to school. She's part of the support unit inside the primary school, working with kids with Autism.

Even though her eyesight is deteriorating, Mum can still work. Driving a car; that's out of the question. Reading the “use by date” on a packet of chips is almost impossible. Keeping an eye on children in the playground, developing their social skills or helping them with their school work (considering the text is usually quite large and the pictures bold) Mum can still do really well.

I've learnt she has figured out ways to cope with her eyes. She has a great memory, so once she's told something, she can remember it really well (like recipes for cooking etc). She's still a keen bargain hunter when it comes to shopping. I enjoy learning that she's kept her life as close to “normal” as possible, making small changes to the bigger things to keep her independence.

But it's those small things that are hard to do alone, which is why I'm here...

After dropping Mum off, Alex and I spent the morning of our first full day in Brunswick Heads. This is the town I lived in from the mid 80's until late 90's. I went to primary school here, learned to surf here, and know the old names of the shops (the hair dressers is now a surf shop, the butcher's is a cafe, the ice cream shop is a real estate agent and the bank has recently closed). Lots of changes for me, lots of new things for Alex.

We also went down to the beach, the south wall of the Brunswick River, where the river meets the ocean. We watched some waves. Taking in the salt air (I don't think I ever realized how salty the air is here until now).

It was a relaxing day.

But I still wasn't quite “here” in my head and heart. Leaving Dresden back in July, only to be delayed for 7 weeks, then another 2 weeks in quarantine, was going to take sometime to overcome.

Time to pick up Mum from school... Home... Unpack a little, dinner, chatting and a little TV.

Thursday morning, it was time for another radio interview. To finish off the 3 part story with ABC North Coast Radio I did another live interview with Joanne Shoebridge. I'm always nervous doing these kinds of things, even though in the music world, I've had to do interviews, they were never quite as personal as this.

After we dropped Mum off at school Thursday morning, we drove up to the Cape Byron Lighthouse and luckily got a park up close to the top.

I wanted to introduce Alex to the area as much as I could, without overwhelming her. Brunswick Heads, Ocean Shores, Mullumbimby and Byron Bay all played a big part of my childhood, and I wanted her to at least know these villages a little bit as early as possible. We'd covered Brunswick Heads and Ocean Shores a little, so now it was time for Byron Bay.

Bring on the whale watching!!

Within minutes of leaving the car, we could see whales jumping out and swimming around the cape. It was a wonderful morning. I'm so glad Alex got to see them (in fact I can't remember the last time I saw whales so close to the shore). They migrate each year around September/October, so it was perfect timing.

It was a special day for Alex...

The sun was shining, the whales were in plain sight and the tourists were kind enough to stay away from Byron Bay. COVID does have its benefits. Fewer people in these tourist spots isn't always bad (although I am quite aware the economy is suffering. The borders are opening up next week and it'll be very busy then).

Back into Ocean Shores, picked up Mum from school. Home... Dinner.. Chatting... Some TV...

Friday was the first day we had to do “stuff” in regards to living here permanently, and that was banking. So after dropping mum off at work, we drove into Mullumbimby “The Biggest Little Town In Australia”. I went to high school here.

Basically Brunswick Heads and Mullumbimby are like Neustadt in Dresden. You can't walk down the street without seeing someone you know, stopping and chatting. It happened in Brunz the other day, I literally parked my car, and lo and behold an old high school friend came out of the video store to say hi... Or in Mullum, as we arrive at the bank I see an old friend who used to teach me rock n roll dancing (yeah, I can still cut a rug)... and even inside the bank, I said hi to a fella from my high school year, we hadn't seen each other since 1997.

It's a small world...

The banking took a bit longer than expected, after much back and forward we settled on our new bank accounts and how to arrange things going forward. While I've had an account here since I was very very young, I cancelled most of my stuff when I left in 2002, so now it was time to set up shop again, especially since I had my wife with me and we have a future to work towards...

We walked the street of Mullum, grabbed a coffee and we let the country hippy vibe soak in. Alex commented on how many folks don't wear shoes here and she can't believe how many new coffee shops there are for her to try (there's a lot more than when I was a kid).

Picked up Mum from school... School holidays for 2 weeks! Yippeee!!

Home... Dinner... Chatting... some TV...

Over the weekend we sorted out things around the house. Set up better internet Wifi around the house, the pool is in good condition after the winter sleep, cupboards got cleaned out and we unpacked and the car was washed (first time I've hand washed a car in over a decade!).

Sunday I watched Mark's live stream (from his front porch in upstate New York) and I felt inspired (he does that to me). So I am considering live streaming next week. I have a guitar and good internet, so why not? I just have to find time to practice ;) I'm thinking net Sunday evening here, which would be Sunday lunch time in Germany. If I don't get to it this Sunday, then maybe next Sunday... I'll keep you posted.

Overall the weather has been warm, often over 20 degrees. But the mornings are still quite chilly, with frosty dew on the golf course out back. It's not bad for coming out of winter...

Today, Monday, we went “up the coast”, to Tweed Heads.

First thing we tried to exchange my German license for a mandatory NSW (State) license, unfortunately I gotta wait for some back checks, no idea what I did 19 years ago in Melbourne, but they wanna check it out. So onwards to shopping...

Yes!!! We bought a coffee machine! Finally we can wake and with a press of a button get ourselves a cup of joe. It's the small things....

Helped mum with the grocery shopping. She knows her stuff. She knows where everything is in every shop, but sometimes she just needs me to reassure her what is actually written on the box or package!!!

So that's basically our first week...

We are settling in well. Alex and Mum get on like a house on fire. I often can't get a word in edgewise and I'm always outvoted!

I still miss Germany and I still miss Europe... (I always will). I miss a lot of the “past life”, but that's just cause Australia has moved on without me these past 18 years. Each day here I get a little closer to that homey feeling I used to have as a teenager (when I didn't know better).

In hindsight, the past 3 months wasn't too bad... We survived... But that's easy to say now...

When we were in the middle of it, it was really tough.

It was really hard packing up our lives into boxes. It was emotionally draining saying goodbye after goodbye to our wonderful friends. Playing my goodbye show was one of the musical highlights of my life, even if it was one of the saddest.

Then we were ready to leave...

As you all know, that didn't go according to plan.

That's when the really bad feelings crept in. You know it's one thing to know you gotta pack up and say goodbye to leave (you are prepared for that)... It's another when you're ready and the world says “nope, not yet”... and again and again that build up and let down was happening, and until the last 2 weeks in Germany, we had no idea why!

As some of you know, I'm not really good at spontaneity. I'm not good when the plan changes... It was tough... But...

When we took control of the situation and booked new flights, it helped a lot. We were back in control.

Quarantine was a difficult time, it got a little dark there. It brought with it, it's own set of challenges and a steep learning curve. I, for one, learnt a lot about pressure. I put too much pressure on myself. Since we arrived here, I have tried my best to relax more, in my own way at least. My to do lists are shorter...

Alex and I had already figured out how to survive the German lockdown, the packing up of our lives and clearing out the apartment. Then we had 2 months at her parents stuck in “limbo” and then 2 weeks stuck in a room together. Our marriage is really new, and we survived that without any damage to our relationship. Sure, we both have a few personal scars, but nothing a little love and tenderness wont fix. I'm proud of her, Alex has a lot of patience for me!

I'm really happy I am here to help Mum each day. Those small things will slowly become bigger things, but for now, it's great to be able to do “stuff” with her. That was always the plan, to be here in time, before things got really bad.

We've been posting often on our IG and FB stories, so I hope folks have seen the day to day happenings. I'm sure we'll continue with that, keeping you up to date visually.

I think I'll end these FB journals here, and switch over to Tumblr full time. The idea being that if you'd like to continue to read these long “new life” chronicles, I'll still post a link here when I do update there... Confused? Me too! ;)

Thanks everyone for your messages of support and love. We are very lucky, we have the best friends.... You guys rock! You're awesome! We love you.

Love

Josh and @dauntlesscoffee

#travelblog #australia #byron bay #whale watching #coming home #covid

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