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nyctophilin · 4 years

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Fake affection | I

sweet anon: Can I request a dom! Han Jisung smut? Where he and the reader are fake dating because Jisung want's to make someone jealous but ends up fucking the reader instead? I love your writings so much!!

Chapter I, Chapter II, Chapter III, Chapter IV, Epilogue

Description: Han Jisung has been rejected by the girl he likes one to many times. He decides that he has had enough and is set on making her want him back. What could possibly make her want him more than seeing him with her rival after she boldly assumed he can’t find anyone better. That way Jisung and Y/N are stuck in a fake relationship until Jisung’s crush falls for him. Or he falls for someone else.

Pairing: Han x fem!Reader, Hyunjin x fem!Reader

Word count: 4.5k

Genre: College!AU, Fake dating!AU, Angst, Fluff, eventual Smut

Warnings: swearing, mention of masturbation

A/N: Wow, so it looks like I am unable of making short fics, haha. I planed for this to be a one-shot but it’s already this long and I don’t want to bore you guys with long fics so I will make a second part and a third if needed but I doubt. I really hope you guys like this one. Feedback is very much appreciated.

Y/N was tapping her finger on the desk, her head resting in her palm. She was watching the professor walk around in front of the class explaining something but she wasn’t paying attention. Her mind was filled with thoughts about whether or not she was going to get the role.

Some people from her university that were majoring in Film Production had to write a script for a short movie and the best five got chosen to be produced. Initially, she believed that only Theater and Film Majors could participate at the auditions but the administration of the school made an announcement one morning informing them that everyone could take part in the audition process. That meant she had to deal with more competitors for the role she wanted.

Initially, Y/N was the only one who wanted to audition for the main role of one of the movies since people didn’t really catch its concept that well. When the audition day finally came, one Modern Dance major showed up out of nowhere and auditioned as well. The apparition of that particular character made her blood boil with anger.

Her competitor for the role was none other than Mina, her so-called enemy. They weren’t enemies in the real sense of the word. They just simply didn’t click with one another and silently agreed a long time ago to ignore each other. They weren’t pulling childish stunts on each other, they didn’t speak each other's names unless necessary, they didn’t try to win each other in grades or parties or body counts. They were just mutually ignoring one another. And everything was fine until she showed up there.

Y/N wasn’t going to lie and say that Mina wasn’t good. Her performance wasn’t exceptional but for someone that has never done that before, she was fairly good. That had her worried about her chances of getting chosen.

When the bell finally rang ending her suffering she got up in the split of a second and left the room. She could not bear to hear any more of the professor’s babbling. Her boots let out quiet thuds every time they touched the concrete floors. She found herself in front of the announcement board but the paper that was supposed to tell her if she got chosen or not, was missing. Thinking to herself that they probably will put it up later she turned on her heels and made her way towards the cafeteria.

She met her friend Hayoon there and they sat down at a table situated in the centre of the cafeteria. They talked about how they had been up until then and Hayoon complained about one of her classes and how she’s going to fail it.

The chatter in the cafeteria died down when the door was slammed open and Mina stomped in, a bitter expression on her face. “I can not believe that they made me a stunt double! What does that even mean?” Her voice was louder than it should have been as she addressed her friends. Her intention was most probably to attract attention.

A smirk crept on Y/N’s face as she realised that she did, in fact, get the main role. She gave her friend a suggestive eyebrow raise as she slowly took the chopstick to her mouth. Her face dropped when she heard the stomping approaching her. “Hey, loser, what’s a stunt double?” Mina’s voice was scratching her ears. How she managed to sound like one of those toys for dogs sometimes, she’ll never understand.

“I can’t believe you’ve auditioned for a role without knowing what a stunt double is.” Y/N rolled her eyes at the other girl and a few people from around them chuckled. Mina’s face caught a crimson colour as the embarrassment settled in.

“Haha, you are so funny!” It was clear by now that the girl was trying to mask her flustered form by trying to embarrass Y/N back.

The truth was that she didn’t mean to make fun of her. She just let her first thoughts leave her mouth. “I wasn’t trying to be funny.” A sigh left her lips. “A stunt double is a person that executes all the dangerous or action scenes for the main actor so they don’t get injured. Stunt doubles are usually gymnasts, people that know martial arts and all that jazz. They probably chose you because of your dance background.”

“I can’t believe it. Not only they didn’t give me the role, but they are also going to use me to protect you?” Mina had an annoyed expression.

“Oh please! Did you really think they were going to choose you? You entered that room without even knowing the concept and somehow managed to get the feel right a couple of times. Meanwhile, some of us actually prepared for that audition.” Y/N was fed up with Mina’s princess behaviour. Always thinking that everything is rightfully hers and expecting everyone to kiss her ass. All that just because her father was donating a big sum of money to the university every term. They are donations at the end of the day and she should not be expecting special treatment just for that.

Mina’s face became a crimson red for the second time in ten minutes and she stomped away from Y/N’s table. The few people that were watching them averted their eyes when Y/N took a look around.

From the corner of the cafeteria, someone was watching them with a smirk on their face. Oh, how he got just the perfect idea.

Y/N sat in the second closest row to the professor. She was in “Canto class” as she liked to call it. It was one of the optional classes she chose to take that year. It wasn’t a compulsory class for Theater and Film majors since you don’t necessarily have to know how to sing to be an actress but she took it anyway because she thought it would be fun. And so far it was.

A loud bang invaded her left ear and she turned to find Han Jisung having his back to her and chatting with his friends that were seated a few rows behind them. She raised her eyebrow but didn’t question it. It wasn’t like the seat was occupied and she definitely had nothing against him sitting next to her. He probably just wanted to pay more attention since he and his friends are always distracted during class.

Y/N turned back to her stuff and opened her notebook to take another look at the notes from last class. Soon after the professor entered the classroom and the chatter died down.

She was vigorously writing in her notebook everything the professor was explaining to them. Suddenly she felt a touch on her left elbow and stopped for a second. She immediately resumed her writing, convinced that he probably did that by mistake. Not even a minute later she felt another touch on her elbow this time more evident. She ignored it again not paying much mind to it. Jisung’s elbow collided with hers causing her to push her notebook and scribble on it.

She snapped her head towards him and felt anger overcome her when she noticed the smirk on his face. “What?” She whispers yelled in his direction.

“Hi!” He did a short wave of his hand in her direction and she clenched her jaw. She closed her eyes and exhaled deeply before going back to her note-taking. She had only five minutes of peace before he poked her side again. She smacked his hand away from her and continued to mind her own business.

Throughout the class, Jisung kept bothering her and trying to talk to her despite her obvious wish to let her take notes. When the bell rang she got up quickly, her blood boiling and left the room in a hurry hoping she could lose Jisung on the busy halls. As she was hurriedly making her way between the sea of people she felt an arm going over her shoulders and she crashed with the owner of the arm.

“Why are you in such a hurry babe?” Jisung’s voice rang in her ear as they were practically glued to each other. She grabbed his hand and swung his arm away from her shoulders.

“For the love of God, what do you want from me Han Jisung?” Exasperation was present in her voice as she threw him an ugly look.

She couldn’t guess what he needed from her to annoy her to that extent. They were acquaintances and nothing more. They knew each other from that one class they shared and the longest interaction they had was when the professor prepared an interactive class once and they had to work in groups of five.

He was the university’s “heartthrob” as people liked to call him. Y/N personally thought that that title should be given to Hwang Hyunjin who was majoring in Modern Dance. He was more mature than the rest of his friends, he was friendly with everyone and wasn’t pulling pranks on innocent people to entertain some brainless creatures. But who was she to oppose the masses?

On top of doing all those things, Jisung was also in a relationship with Mina. Every time they are together they will target someone and will start making fun of them. More Mina than Jisung but he was still entertaining her actions and that made him as guilty as she was.

“I need to ask you something. Or better, make you a proposal.” He winked at her and she felt an uncomfortable shiver run through her. How disgusting.

“Ok, and what is it?” She threw him an expectant look and he started looking around.

“Let’s talk outside where there are fewer people. You got a free period, right?” Confusion made its way on her face.

“How do you know that? Are you weirdo following me?” She has never talked with him as friends and they share only one class. How on earth would he know her schedule?

“What? No! I see you hanging out around the university all the time after our class.” She rolled her eyes at his answer and gestured her hand towards the closest exit out of the building signalling him to lead the way.

Very soon they were seated on a bench under a tree somewhere behind the university. It was her first time coming there. Y/N usually liked to remain at the front of the building since couples usually liked to come there and make out sometimes even fuck.

“I think we should start dating.” He blurted out and she froze for a second before jumping to her feet startling the man.

“I knew you were fucking weird. I’m leaving!” What in the actual fuck did she think when she came here. For a second she expected a real conversation but Jisung’s main skills were flirting and making bad jokes. She set her expectations way too high for that conversation.

She picked her bag from the bench and started leaving only to have Jisung grab her wrist and stop her. “Wait, let me explain. I swear you’ll understand better after.” Y/n wanted to turn and leave but the puppy dog eyes he gave her made her stay and listen to him. Now, don’t get her wrong, his expression didn’t soften her but if he was desperate enough to try the puppy eyes on her then it must be important to him.

She plopped down on the bench and waited for him to start talking. “Look, I’m pretty sure you know Mina. And I know you two aren’t on great terms. I say we date so you can get back at her for all the things she has done to you.” He raised his eyebrows at her and pursed his lips.

Y/N was the one that raised her eyebrow next as she leaned her head to the side. “Aren’t you and Mina dating?”

“Obviously not.” Jisung used a tone that pissed Y/N off. A tone that said ‘It was so obvious, how can you not know?’ and she didn’t like it one bit.

“Oh, I’m so sorry! I must have read the signs the wrong way. I mean, it's not like you are always together and you carry her backpack around and you hang out outside of school six days out of seven and kiss before classes and make out behind the university probably right on this bench.”

A smirk appeared on Jisung’s face. “Who’s following who now?”

“Don’t flatter yourself. Mina’s voice is so annoying I could hear her every time she talked. When I would turn to see what was up now you two were most times engaged in some sort of PDA.” She spoke fast trying to prove that she wasn’t following him. She didn’t know why she felt the need to do that but the thought of Jisung thinking that she has some sort of interest in him was terrifying. He completely humiliated the last “unpopular” girl that confessed her feelings to him and at that moment the last thing she needed was for him to go around saying she is a stalker.

“Well, we are getting there. I asked her out and she said that she’ll love to but it’s too fun to tease me. When I asked her ‘What if I get a girlfriend?’ she told me I can not find anyone better for me than her. When I saw you fighting in the cafeteria earlier I knew I found my perfect girl. Not only are you hot, but she also hates you.” Y/N raised an eyebrow at his words.

“Hot?” Her tone was untrusting as this was the first time someone from uni had said that to her.

“Yeah. You didn’t think that guys came to last year’s theatre spectacles because they were actually interested in theatre, right?” A laugh left his mouth at her dumbfounded face as she registered his words. A blank expression adorned her face immediately after trying not to seem so surprised.

“Well, not anymore.” She let her tongue trace her bottom lip before biting the flesh. “Ok, so tell me what you actually want us to do.” Uneasiness settled inside Jisung as he watched her bored face.

“Well, I mean what I said. We should date. Or fake dating if you will. That way I can make Mina jealous and push her to run into my arms. I bet she can’t stand seeing me with you for too long.” He looked into her eyes hopefully thinking that maybe he convinced her but his hope was quickly shattered when she opened her mouth.

“What are you? Five? I don’t want to get back at her and I have absolutely no reason to help you in your sick plan. I’m out of here!” Once again she picked up her bag to leave only for Jisung to grab her wrist and stop her, again.

“Please Y/N! I’m desperate. I’ve been trying to date her for a year and a half already.” That was pathetic. She had absolutely no reason to help him. None at all. But something pushed her to stay and accept his offer. Maybe she could take advantage of the situation.

Turning her head towards her she tried to keep a straight face as best as she could. “What do I get out of it?”

Jisung’s face brightened instantly at her question and he held her hand with both of his. “Anything you want. If it’s possible I’ll do it.” His eyes were pouring into hers and a stupid sparkle was present in them.

“I guess you were going to do that anyway but I want you to present me to your friends.” The same bored expression that she had on for almost the entirety of their conversation was adorning her face. Jisung was amazed at the lack of emotions she managed to show but she was an actress. Maybe she’s just good at her job.

“Why? Do you have a crush on any of them?” A smirk was enveloping his facial features and he had a teasing tone. Y/N rolled her eyes at his comment.

“No. Some of them seem like really interesting people but their only defect was hanging out with you. Now that I have to hang out with you too I might as well start talking to them.” She shook his hands off hers before putting it in her front pocket. “Now I have to go to class cause my free period is almost over. See you later, babe!” She winked at him before turning around and making her way to her next class.

The next day she met with Jisung in front of the cafeteria so they could walk in together and “announce” their relationship. Somehow he got hold of her number and they texted the night prior about the terms of their little deal. She felt like laughing when she saw how serious he was about it. If he really did end up dating Mina she’ll be convinced that both of them are idiots.

His arm was over her shoulders as they walked through the tables. Multiple people were staring at them but she decided to ignore them. Upon reaching the table she placed her tray down and took a seat. The people at the table were looking confused at one another and some were throwing Jisung questioning looks.

“Everyone, meet my girlfriend.” He spoke gesturing with a hand towards her. She smiled at them and waved her hand, muttering a soft ‘Hi!’.

One of them, who she recognised to be Lee Minho, a Modern Dance major cleared his throat. “Hey. It’s nice to meet you.” He had an awkward smile on. “What are you majoring in?”

“Yeah, I don’t recall seeing you around campus.” Seo Changbin, a Music Production major added.

“Oh, I…” She started talking but a puff coming from her left stopped her.

“Seriously dude? You share a class. She’s L/N Y/N from your Theory and Improvisation class.” The voice belonged to Hwang Hyunjin and she felt a funny feeling in her stomach at the realisation that he knows her. Everyone around the table was throwing him weird looks.

“You are right but how do you know that? I’m pretty sure you don’t take that class.” There was a trace of embarrassment in her voice.

“I don’t but sometimes when I wait for those guys outside of the classroom I see you walking out.” He said that with nonchalance taking a bite from his food.

“And how do you know her? She’s not a Music Production major otherwise we would have known. And she’s not a Dance major either otherwise Minho and Felix would have known about her as well.”Changbin’s tone was almost provoking as if Hyunjin had done something bad and he was about to reveal it.

“She’s a Theatre and Film major. Last year when we went to all those theatre spectacles to support Jeongin I was actually paying attention to the plays. She had either the main role or the lead. I remember her being really good.” She felt her cheeks heat at his comment.

“Thank you!” She threw him a smile. However, she got ignored as Lee Felix started talking.

“Do you know her Jeongin?” She somehow felt offended by his question. Maybe that wasn’t his intention but he should have used a different tone.

“Of course I do. We share almost all of our classes and last year we worked on multiple plays together.” Annoyance was present in his voice caused by his friends' ignorance.

She knew Jeongin from the first day. He was the first to speak to her although they didn’t exactly become friends. They kept on working on plays together throughout the entirety of the first year of college but they kept everything mostly professional since they both had their own group of friends and she kind of disliked most of his friends.

“Then how come you never talk about her?” Now, wasn’t Changbin an annoying one? She rolled her eyes discreetly at his question.

“Because we are not the best of friends. Why don’t you talk about Kim Gina from your degree?” The youngest question was a good one. They were acquaintances and barely knew something about each other. What was he supposed to talk about?

“Gina is not hot. What am I supposed to talk about?” The older male said calmly with a shrug of his shoulders.

The water she was just drinking got stuck in her throat and she started coughing violently. Jisung started hitting her back repeatedly trying to help her swallow. When she finally calmed down she looked at him annoyed.

“Who she is, is not important. What’s important is that she is my girlfriend” he gave Changbin a side look ”and you have to accept that. Stop talking about her like she is not sitting right in front of you.” A few of them raised their hands in defeat while some of them averted their eyes. Minho and Changbin rolled their eyes.

She felt her blood pressure spike up at their action. She remembered why she never wanted to talk to any of them. Arrogant pricks.

“Ok, Mister protective boyfriend. Just tell us when you break up.” Minho took a bite of his food done with the younger man’s antics. Everyone knew that he was in love with Mina. The moment she shows some interest in him he would probably leave this one in a heartbeat.

Y/N sucked in a breath discreetly. He really got her worked up and she hated it. She put an arm around Jisungs shoulders and yanked him towards her, his face close to her chest. With her other hand, she grabbed the sides of his face making him look up at her and forcefully pursing his lips.

“Break up? Do you wanna break up with me, babe?” Y/N’s voice was mocking as if she was talking with a child. Jisung swallowed hard before shaking his head. She smiled at his response and used the hand from around his shoulders to ruffle his hair. “That’s what I thought.” She placed a short kiss on his lips before releasing him and turning back to her food.

Everyone at the table was looking at both of them shocked, especially Minho and Changbin. She wanted to let a proud smile escape her but she controlled herself.

For the rest of the lunch, she decided not to engage in any more discussions with Jisung’s friends. She continued eating her food and listened to them talking about things that didn’t involve her, occasionally responding to Hayoon’s texts.

She was the first one to get up, impatient to go to her next class and not have to see them. “Bye guys. It was lovely meeting you!” She smiled at them, a smile half true because she did like some of them. “Bye babe. See you later!” She grabbed the sides of his face again placing another kiss on his lips before taking her empty tray and leaving them alone.

The men all watched her as she made her way out of the cafeteria. When she closed the door behind her they all burst into laughter. Jisung was biting the inside of his cheek irked by their action. When the laughter stopped, Seungmin that was sitting next to him put his hand on his shoulder.

“I absolutely adore your girlfriend. She knows how to keep her ‘babe’ in check I see.” Seungmin tried cupping his face as Y/N did but Jisung slapped his hand away.

“Are you her good boy, Jisungie? Does she give you rewards if you listen to her?” Minho cooed at him and Jisung held back an insult.

“Shut the fuck up. It’s not like that. She surprised me as well. Who the fuck knew she was going to do that?” When he proposed the whole fake dating thing to her he thought it would be easier. Looking at it now he can’t understand why he thought that. He saw the way her fights with Mina unfold and he knew she was an actress which meant that she was probably either crazy confident or really good at faking it. For some reason, he thought she would be easier to tease and control but it would be a lie if he said it didn’t intrigue him. He liked a challenge and if the prize was Mina he would try his best.

“And you man” Chan spoke for the first time “what the fuck was that? Do you know her entire biography?” He was looking at Hyunjin who rolled his eyes.

“I told you I paid attention to last year’s plays. On top of that, she’s hot. I remember that after one spectacle I and the guys from my dance group at the time talked about her for like a month. She was so..” The man let out a groan and threw his head back trying to explain what he meant.

“Sure, tell me more. Did you masturbate to the thought of my girlfriend? Perhaps got any wet dreams about her?” Jisung commented, raising an eyebrow.

Hyunjin winked at him as a smirk made its way on his face. Some of the guys simultaneously let out disgusted sounds at his gesture.

“But how did this whole thing happen? I can’t remember a moment when you talked about her or when you were together.” Felix’s deep voice rang making everyone pay attention to him.

Changbin suddenly let a gasp out and dramatically covered his mouth. “Yesterday our little Jisungie sat next to her in Theory and Improvisation and when the class ended he ran after her. I think he might have had a secret crush!” The older man teased.

“Yeah, but she looked really annoyed with him. Hence why she sprinted out of the class. Why would she accept to date him if she looked like she’d rather listen to Mr Jung talk about the first piano ever invented.” Chan intervened making Jisung shrug his shoulders.

“She was annoyed with me but what can I say? I’m so charming she couldn’t refuse me.” He leaned back in his chair putting his arms over the back of the chair.

“I think she did it out of pity. When she realized you’ve been trying to get Mina for a year and a half now she probably felt so bad for you she decided to sacrifice herself so you look less like a loser.” Hyunjin said his tone way to serious to be a joke.

Jisung threw the man a deadly stare. “At least I didn’t masturbate to the thought of her like a fucking virgin.” He spat in the other man’s face.

“Touche.”

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sanstropfremir · 3 years

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also to add to the expert panel conversation, i don't think people expected rookies to join mostly because of the seniority in the kpop industry. i think it begs the question, are they able to judge their seniors?

like it makes sense that suju is part of the panel considering that they are one of the longest running boy groups in the industry (i don't like them but ya, you can't deny their influence and how they're still very prominent in the korean entertainment industry through variety shows). the other experts (lia kim, music critics, producers) also are valid based on their title and experience. but i don't think rookies should be entirely invalidated because they are rookies... sure, there are some components that they might not be entirely familiar with because they lack overall experience but that's why there are other experts on the panel to make it more balanced.

and also like because they are actually revealing the faces of the experts, it is most likely that mnet didn't include people that are directly tied to the participating groups. i don't know if these experts are the same ones who have been participating since the beginning or if they are changed each round. i'm assuming that they are different since mnet wanted to keep anonymity in the beginning. and it'll be hard not to, considering how the korean industry itself is relatively smaller. if that makes sense. like i have a feeling if you know one person, you know many other people based on mutuals. and also, like skz is from jyp, ikon from yg, cj enm is an investor of kq ent/ateez, tbz is from kakao m (home to iu and is just a big company overall), btob from cube, and sf9 being a subsidiary of sm. i really think because they revealed the experts, they chose people they could find that were the least involved with the groups.

i think its very reasonable for juniors to judge their seniors. i think a thing that people who dont work in the arts dont understand is that your audience is not your peers. you make work for the general public, not for your seniors. and the general public are not experts in kpop dance. or rap. or vocals. they like what they like and theyre gonna be weird and opinionated about it. the feedback of the layperson is extremely important to your growth as an artist. and the thing is, these rookies are not laypeople! anon you are absolutely correct in saying that the panel is balanced; there are actual experts there to provide feedback. but what lands with an expert is different than what lands with layperson, and both are extremely valuable critiques. can you tell i’m in grad school because im 100% in grad school.

i dont think we’ll ever know, but i would hazard a pretty confident guess that these are not the same experts that were doing the judging before. if they are i would also agree with you in that they probably chose to reveal the ones that were the least connected to the groups. i mentioned this in another ask somewhere but i am too lazy to find it, but it would be crazy difficult to not find an expert with some connection to the groups specifically because the industry is so small. hell, i’m under six degrees of separation from pretty much the entire korean entertainment industry because i have a friend who was a trainee and ive worked on projects with active producers.

#kingdom #i talk SO much about art how are you not all bored of me yet #at least im getting better at moderating the length of my answers lol #pray you never meet me irl if you get me on a subject i have opinions on i will not stop #kpop questions #text #Anonymous #kingdom asks

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wellntruly · 5 years

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hey i know its Literally Years Later but ive been going through your hannibal recaps again and ive made it all the way to the end of the Super Concise ones and 3.12 seems to not exist anymore? it just says Not Found. I know a couple of the s1 ans s2 ones got caught up in the december purge so im assuming thats what happened here. TLDR hi i love your stuff, do you still have a copy of that one so i can read it again? thanks

FROM ALL THE WAY BACK IN 2015��..

HANNIBAL RECAP: S3E12

Last time on Hannibal: Hannibal tried to get Will’s family killed and Will was all “I hate you and I know you still like me but i don’t like you i don’t care what your stupid friends say you make me touch your hands for stupid reasons u accidentally say you hugged me i will never like you again I HATE YOU I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS DAMN WORLDDDDDDDDDD”

But Hannibal’s just like, “you don’t hate me you just hate change.”

This time on Hannibal: You are cordially invited to the Third Annual CHILTON MAIM-FEST 2015

Season 3, Episode 12: “The Number of the Beast is 666…”

So, this is the longest recap I’ve written yet? Seriously, pack a snack my friends, it’s the PENULTIMATE EPISODE and we’re diving headlong here.

We begin, Will in Bedelia’s home-office again, talking about his troubles. In a development I couldn’t have even dreamed of, it seems that Will is legitimately seeing Dr. Du Maurier now, as his new therapist. HOW WONDERFUL.

Not wonderful though: Will is helplessly seeing himself killing Molly, the way the Dragon killed Mrs. Jacobi & Mrs. Leeds. Oh noo. Bedelia warns that you don’t know when brittle materials will break. It’s a good thing Will’s strength is of the bendy sapling variety then, I tell myself willing it to still be true, pls still be true.

Remember a couple episodes ago when Will asked where Bedelia’s scars were, to match how many he has? Well he’s still on that, wondering what it is that Hannibal is going to take from her, like he’s trying to take Will’s family away. Will Graham is a big believer in reciprocity & justice, which is one of the things that occasionally reminds me why he probably got into law enforcement in the first place. Anyhow, he trades Bedelia a warning of her own: she could still be killed, as “Hannibal has agency in the world.”

“Will raises a good point. Class, any insights on how this character enacts agency within the narrative?” - a liberal arts professor

But Bedelia responds, perfectly: “Hannibal has no intention of seeing me dead by any other hand than his own, and only then if he can eat me. He’s in no position to eat me now.”

Will, shaking with righteousness: “If you play, you pay.”

One time when I was home from college, I was watching tv with my sister while my dad read the newspaper, and apropos of nothing, he suddenly turning to us with an Aesop glint in his eyes, and intoned “When you play with the tiger, you get the teeth.” And then he made fangs with his fingers like the knights in Monty Python & the Holy Grail when they’re talking about the rabbit. So my dad would probably like this line.

Bedelia remarks that Will has paid dearly. “It excites him,” she says with the slightest suggestive wiggle, “that you are marked in this way.” Will genuinely asks why. Because he’s marking you as HIS you beautiful idiot!! Oh my god, I can’t deal with you right now you fucking innocent.

Bedelia also can’t believe she has to deal with this and just goes “why do you think,” and Will bitterly calls her Bluebeard’s wife and she gasps and these two are basically my favorite dynamic on this show right now oh my god. So slow & cool, with their liquid eyes always just about to spill over. Bedelia, a shimmering icicle, tells Will that if she were to be Bluebeard’s wife, she would have preferred to be the last. At first I thought this implied that Will is an earlier wife, blood filling the kitchen floor, but her past tense on “preferred” makes me think that she’s setting Will up as the last wife.

like most things Bedelia says, all interpretations are Way Interesting. also, petition to have Gillian Anderson record an Angela Carter audiobook ASAP.

But you guys. You guys. It seems, after multiple bride references from Bedelia, combined with literally every fucking other thing that Hannibal has done, that Will, world’s blindest empathy detective, is finally beginning to figure out something Important. He asks, carefully, because neither he nor I can believe this is happening right now: “Is Hannibal….in love with me?”

YOU SURE BET, LIL BUD. And YOU SURE BET, WORLD. We have made it 38 episodes into this gay-ass cannibalism show, and finally William Deerheart Graham has just literally asked, out loud with his own mouth: “Is Hannibal in love with me?” AND PEOPLE SAY WE’RE READING TOO FAR INTO IT. NO. LOOK INTO THIS MAN’S EYES.

BRYAN FULLER IS NOT FUCKING AROUND, AND HE WILL GIVE YOU THE POST-ROPE HOMO MURD SHOW OF YOUR DREAMS.

TO WIT, IT CONTINUES —

Bedelia, mouthpiece for a subset of the population for whom the first definition of the word cards is “running one’s fingers through someone’s hair in the present tense,” follows that question up with THIS, which, if I were writing fake lines as a joke, I would have looked at these and thought “oh you’ve gone a bit far on the sexual longing” BUT NO IT’S FUCKING REAL:

Bedelia: “Could he daily feel a stab of hunger for you, and find nourishment at the very sight of you? Yes. But do you ache for him?”

Will completely does not respond to this because he’s having to do a lot of recalculating right now. Oh so that would mean — oh yes and that time too — oh and THAT— oh god. Oh god, and I…? I’m assuming that when we get the deleted scenes we’ll find out that after this Will drives to Muskrat Farm and Alana kindly answers his tentative questions about bisexuality while Margot & the Verger Baby finger-paint in the background.

Meanwhile, at the Baltimore State Hospital for Crimes Against Milton:

Hannibal is talking with Jack about religion. God, the Devil, the Great Red Dragon — and the Lamb, our own Will Graham. The day of the Lamb’s wrath is coming, Hannibal says. This is all very ridiculous and biblical, and I’m pretty sure a quarter of it is just lyrics from Johnny Cash’s “The Man Comes Around.” Which are in turn quotes from the Book of Revelation, I think, but lbr Cash is the Book I know.

“Righteousness is what you and Will have in common,” Hannibal says, and wow they are really pushing Will’s righteousness streak lately aren’t they? “In righteousness the Lamb doth judge, and make war. War against the Great Red Dragon,” he continues. Hannibal’s Will fan site is just like “new url: murder-deer >> murder-lamb”

Jack says that the Dragon is Hannibal, “the Devil himself, bound in the pit,” and Hannibal suggests that makes Jack God, and Jack’s just like, I’m fine with that. Heheh, Jack Crawford. But, “All gods require sacrifices,” Hannibal says. UH OH.

“Half gods are worshipped in wine and flowers. Real gods require blood.” - Hannibal’s favorite Zora Neal Hurston quote

Meanwhile, Dolarhyde kneels in front of his Great Red Dragon print and tears his nails into his own shoulder repeatedly, then scratches lines of blood into the painting. UH OH AGAIN.

CREDITS. Holy hell was that the longest first act ever or am I just losing all sense of time / propriety? Both, probably.

After the creds, Will, Jack, and Alana plot their next move. Will is all bitter about offering his tiny bod up as murder bait again, which is very sad but also very funny to me. God what a specific thing to have as a recurring problem.

WHY DOES THESE KEEP HAPPEN 2 ME

Trying to distract himself from disquieting visions of Alana with the bleeding mirror eyes (shudder), Will then pretty much directly quotes Freddie Lounds from a few episodes ago about using the killer’s narcissistic desire to read about himself. Maybe Will can bash the murderer in print, then go and stand in an open area and wait for Dolarhyde to pounce on him, hoping the FBI can nab him before he gets in a killing blow. It sounds like a joke but this is in fact their real plan. To help it seem less trappy, Alana suggests that they have a professional voice legitimatize what Will’s saying.

Will: “Someone to hide the wire of the snare. Are you volunteering?”Alana, scoffing adorably: “No. I’d have to be a fool.”

SMASH CUT TO FREDERICK CHILTON. AAHHhahahaha, perfect. Chilty, you eminently fuck-with-able fool.

Frederick Chilton, incensed, is presently talking to Hannibal about the psychiatry articles he’s been writing. The most recent one is a special point of bother with him.

Hannibal: “A particularly good one.”Frederick: “It may be my fa-vor-ite!”

Oh my lol.

“I have seen a lot of hostility,” Frederick continues, and yeah I’ll bet, “but this is QUANTIFIABLY BITCHY.”

QUANTIFIABLY. HERE I HAVE CHARTED OUT YOUR BITCHINESS FOR YOU ON THIS DAMNING LINE GRAPH.

Chilton asks if Hannibal thinks he is his nemesis, and Hannibal chuckles “oho no,” because we all know Will is his true Nemesis Mine (god, a lot). But Chilton is SO MAD and it is SO FUNNY. I watched this scene multiple times just for the joy of listening to Broadway baby Raúl Esparza treat his dialogue like a piece of music.

Apparently, Chilton filled his book with lies to save Hannibal’s life (?? why did you do that!) but now Hannibal has gone and refuted his own insanity plea (why did you do that??). Hannibal then falls back on his usual “you’re just not going to be famous, Frederick” and Chilton’s just like “aaauugghhh!!!!1!!” Specifically, he refers to the “freak value” of Hannibal’s byline, and, bitchily, shoots the rolled up journal through one of the sniff holes. Bless u Chilts, I knew you’d be the first to capitalize on these.

I just knew it

Trying to tear Hannibal down a few pegs, Frederick then falls back on his usual: “the Dragon is more interesting than you.” Apparently he’s going to call his next book The Dragon Slayer. Will? Really it should be Jack, Jack the Dragon Slayer, that’s a pretty good reference and I’m surprised no one has made it yet (holy heck, wait — a prize for whoever rewrites me a Hannibal version of “This is the House That Jack Built.”) (WOW SOMEONE DIIIDDD!)

But Hannibal darkly warns Frederick not to get ahead of himself.

ugh, look at this Mikkelsen — now that’s knowing how to use your light

As a parting volley, Chilton then paints a threatening picture of what ending fate has chosen for Hannibal: life in the general ward, featuring prison rape & stewed apricots. It is VERY UNPLEASANT. After leaving Hannibal a personalized copy of his book (bonus unflattering doodles? that’s my guess) Chilton walks out to find Alana leaning against the wall.

much more pleasant

She’s just like “come along Frederick we need you to be useful for a change,” and hauls him off to meet with Jack, Will, and Freddie Lounds. Praise be, it’s a FREDSCAPADE. They explain the plan: having Chilton say unfounded & uncomfortable things about Dolarhyde, Will making them openly insulting, and then publishing the whole thing in TattleCrime to raise the Dragon’s hackles. Freddie mentions that a decent newspaper would never run this, and Will points out that she does not run a decent newspaper.

Will: “You sell T-shirts that say ’The Tooth Fairy is a One-Night Stand’.”Freddie: “I can get you one if you like. You a small or a medium? Small I bet.”Will:

THE SMOLLEST

They get down to business. Freddie sets up a mic on the coffee table in whatever the heck random Washington DC locale they are in, Frederick sits down and begins happily making up bullshit, and Will paces behind him delivering the pithy bites. It goes like this:

Chilton: “The Tooth Fairy’s actions indicate a projective delusion, compensating for intolerable feelings of inadequacy. Smashing mirrors ties these feelings to his appearance—“Will: “Not only is the Tooth Fairy insane, he is ugly, and impotent.”Chilton: “holy—crap, ok”

Chilton barely gets going on his next line before Will jumps in with “He is a vicious, perverted sexual failure. An animal.”

“do you want this to work or what”

Eventually they have enough (more than enough), and Freddie says she’d love a photo of Will in a bathrobe, for reasons, and Will’s just like “no.” Instead he stands by the window so the Tooth Fairy can see where he is, and asks if Chilton wants to be in the picture too. He obviously does.

Several hilarious things happen in quick succession. Jack is adjusting Tiny Freddie’s camera angle…

oh my god

Will & Frederick are having this supremely awkward physical space negotiation at the window…

“Gross, he’s touching me.”“Gross, I’m touching him.”

I think I read in an interview somewhere that Dancy & Esparza are, in real life, very fond of each other, which I think is why they clearly have so much fun loathing one another on camera.

Anyway, Freddie snaps the shot and they’re good to go.

Well what a murderer’s row of things I love there was in this scene! We’ve got:

- Frederick Chilton being a living reaction gif- Freddie Lounds not giving a damn- Will Graham hating everyone- Jack Crawford going “a good thing to do would be [a bad thing to do]”- a vague heist-movie vibe- everything is weirdly sexual- and: jokes about how little Hugh Dancy is

Thank u Bryan xoxo

Later, Jack & Will pace around the courtyard. The plan is “too passive” for Jack’s tastes, they “are playing games in the dark of the moon” (wow), but they don’t really have much else going on, so ehh.

Jack knows, very specifically, that pedestrian traffic drops off in this space:

pretty

at 7:15 pm. He wants Will to take a nice normal alone-time stroll in the dark around 8:30, wearing body armor.

Will: “Seven out of eleven times he’s gone for the head shot, Jack.”Jack, literally: “Yeeaahh…”

Honestly the people that should be most glad that this plan is not going to go the way you wanted it to are YOU, for pete’s sake.

Meanwhile, the plan (this fucking plan) starts to unravel. Dr. Chilton, schmoozing on his cell to some poor soul, walks into a parking garage flanked by bodyguards. Apparently he is going to write another book refuting Hannibal’s refutations, entitled….Blood & Chocolate. Hahaha. Out the rear window of the car, we see his bodyguards each get shot (in the head, JACK. 9 out of 13) while Chilton cluelessly laughs on the phone in his nice leather gloves. PERFECT. God, the stage play-ness of how Chilton gets fucked up on this show is one of my favorite things.

Then Chilton gets yoinked out of the car.

people entering or leaving your field of vision in unexpected ways: not just one of, my ACTUAL FAVORITE THING

Chilton gets woken up, in the Dragon’s lair. OH GOD. It’s happening. Do you feel that change in the wind? It’s that time of the season again! When batshit insane injuries are inflicted on Frederick Chilton, Hannibal’s Kenny. I mean, obviously I’m torn up about it, he is my trash fave, but there’s such a fun loop-the-loop to this. Chilton does awful things, and then awful things happen to Chilton. And repeat.

Raúl Esparza actually has quite a task in this sequence, because he has to balance a whole number of things. He wants us to laugh, as he always does, but he also wants us to be alarmed, because it doesn’t work if it’s just a cartoon character being tortured — it doesn’t work in the context of how we’re supposed to feel about Dolarhyde in these final episodes (legitimated frightened of him), and it also doesn’t work with how much this is gonna mess with Will later. So we need to be laughing, but we also need our heart rates to pick up a bit, we need to flinch. And on top of this, we also need to have at least a moment where we feel for him. Again, this is largely to do with how Will is going to react later. There needs to be something in Chilton that we recognise in ourselves, so that on a level of basic humanity, we regret what happens to him.

So, does he pull all this off? Of course he does, it’s Raúl Esparza.

champ

I think the quote that probably best captures what he does in this scene is this one:

“I have to tell you, I am scared. Man to man, I am scared, and it is very hard to concentrate when you are scared.”

Amazing. This is IDEAL Chilton, because it’s funny, we’re specifically laughing at him, and also it sounds like a paraphrase. This is maybe the thing I most love about Chilton’s dialogue, this strange…I don’t know, formal bluntness that he has. You never have to suss out the subtext to what Chilton says, because it’s all there in the text. It’s hilarious and I adore it.

But anyway, this works so well in this scene because it’s a Perf Chilts Line, but it’s also unnervingly believable, because who doesn’t understand that feeling? For the last two seasons, about the time it became apparent that Chilton was the only one besides Will who actually knew Hannibal for what he is, and was spending all his episodes quoting cannibalism puns, being weirded out by Hannibal’s food, and literally watching scenes on his laptop, that — as much as some of you will probably hate this — Chilton is us. Chilton is a certain part of us, the part that thinks we would be all suave & dark about it if we were in this show, but in reality, if Hannibal winked at us at a dinner party we’d freeze & fluster & look away with an internal monologue of “oh shit oh shit oh shit.” And I am so glad that Esparza has been playing Chilton this way, because it give these Dolarhyde scenes that last recognition element that they needed. Certain moments can hew a little too close, and it’s good that they do.

ANYHOW, this has been a lot about Frederick Chilton, but I love his role in this show, and this is the last chance I get to talk about him so whatever. Also, well-played as it might have been, you don’t really want me to do a blow-by-blow recounting of a 15 min torture sequence do you? Naw, we’re just doing highlights, like:

Dolarhyde’s robe & mask combo, a definite #look

Chilton’s face when he tries to figure out what the right answer is to questions like “do you feel privileged?”

Dolarhyde: “Do you think God is in attendance here?”Chilton: “No, no I do not feel God in this Chili’s tonight.”

The most important broad-strokes thing to happen, I’d say, is probably when Reba shows up with some soup. OH MY GOD. Dolarhyde just lets her in, because theoretically she can’t see the nude dude he has glued to wheelchair and hyperventilating over in the corner, except for the fact the he’s forgotten that she’s Reba and, I would guess, TOTALLY KNOWS HE’S THERE, because as mentioned: nude dude, hyperventilating. I hope this comes into play somehow in the future.

Reba mostly just drops off the soup & some Life Advice and leaves.

Chilton: waaaaaat?

More highlights in the following scene:

- Dolarhyde showing Chilton William Blake slides like the world’s worst art history quiz

“Uh, uh, William Blake’s ‘The Great Red Dragon and the Woman Clothed…In—”“WITH. WITH THE SUN. CHECK MINUS.”

-Dolarhyde asking “do you see“ enough times that it starts to sound very Garrett Jacob Hobbs

- the What’s Better Than This, Just Two Guys Hanging Out moment where Dolarhyde dramatically sheds his robe to pose shirtless in front of Chilton

- Dolarhyde adjusting his camera all “I am an auteur”

Eventually, Dolarhyde says that he’s going to send Dr. Chilton home, with a thermos and some ice, actually, which?? What. Anyway, before that, though, he wants to give him something to remember him by. Oh christ.

One of the problems with Dolarhyde putting on his teeth is that when he did so I suddenly remembered Will saying that the biting was a sexual behaviour as much as a fighting style, and then as if agreeing with me Dolarhyde goes right for Chilton’s mouth.

and he kisses him passionately and that’s it that’s the scene!

Ok no he tears his lips off with his teeth and it’s beyond gruesome, and I don’t know if that’s just Chilton screaming or if there’s an effect on it because I can’t stop screaming myself.

I cannot believe I watched this twice for you all. THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU.

Envelope processing transition! Is there any show on television that uses classical music as well as this one does? Surely not.

All cleared through the x-ray, Alana brings Hannibal his package, not accompanied with a smile. He asks if he may open it in private, and she’s just “No you may not.” A Hannibal’s gotta try. He pulls out a little paper towel-wrapped something. That’s when I realized. IT’S CHILTON’S LIPS. NOOOOOOPE.

WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THIS SHOW AND SENDING FACE PARTS THROUGH THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE I SWEAR TO GOD.

The….delivery was accompanied by a note saying “With these he OFFENDED ME,” capitalization Dolarhyde’s, and flawless. Hannibal says he was offended by Chilton too, so like, *shrug*. I mean he would shrug, but he’s currently straightjacketed to a dolly. Jack holds up one of Chilton’s lips on a platter.

he’s wearing white gloves and the platter’s silver so really this looks like Hannibal is being served dinner and that is perfect

But why just one lip though?

QUICK CUT

*gulp*

OH MY FUCKING GOD. I SCREAMED, I LAUGHED, I SCREAM-LAUGHED. Frankly they could get away with a lot more editing like this, it is SCARY and HILARIOUS and it totally fits.

Hannibal, unable to suppress his grin: “I’m sorry, Jack. The tragedy of what’s happened to Frederick has put me in an excellent humour.” UNDERSTATEMENT.

Hannibal asks what exactly Alana & Jack’s plan was — oh man, you do not want to hear this Hannibal, you are gonna judge them so hard. Alana tells him that they were using TattleCrime to make the Dragon really mad. Well it sounds dumb now, when we say it out loud. Hannibal observes that it could have just as easily been Alana as opposed to Frederick. “It could have been your lip I was tasting. Again.”

ew do not remind her

Alana halfheartedly tries to blame Hannibal for this, but honestly dear I think he’s actually right on this one: this is all on you guys. :(

Now it’s time to watch the home video Dolarhyde recorded of poor doomed fool Freddie Chilts. Who’s excited!!! I hate this.

oh hey, just now noticing that Dolarhyde has his other home videos playing behind Chilton, like a frame-in-a-frame — #technique

Chilton, repeating after Dolarhyde you may remember, haltingly talks of how privileged he is to witness this artful Dragon becoming, no one here is crazy or impotent, this is all Will Graham’s fault, etc. Alana glances at Will like “oh no” but I hasten to remind everyone in this room that yo, that was what you wanted to happen?? The whole POINT of this fiasco was to get the Dragon furious enough with Will to come after him? I know it is tempting because it is exactly the sort of selfish shit that Frederick would totally pull, but he is not in fact selling Will out here, because you can’t sell out someone who was already trying to sell himself out.

Anyhow. The video goes on. Soon Dolarhyde is addressing Will directly, through Chilton. He tells him to reach behind his back, and feel where his backbone connects to his pelvis. “That is the precise spot — where the Dragon — will snap your spine.” Chilton’s voice breaks here, because he refuses to just leave me in peace.

just LEAVE ME in PEACE, goddamnit

Frederick finishes what the Dragon wanted him to say, and then, well, you know what happens. Apparently that was on camera too.

Sometimes I like to think of Will Graham as one of those fundraising thermometers, only the red designates “horrible shit I have seen,” and once it reaches certain levels you unlock specific breakdowns. Watching Chilton be savaged by Dolarhyde raises him past one of these, and as a result he drops to the floor, clutching his shaking hands over his ears while his vision swims and his breath comes in sickening waves and Chilton screams and screams and screams.

Ok I know it’s like aaauuugghh but please remember this moment because I am going to bring it up again in the next scene. It is Important, to Remember.

Will returns for another complicated therapy hour with Bedelia du Maurier. She asks if he wants to talk about what happened with Frederick Chilton. Will literally looks like this

I don’t know when I’ve last seen framing that more broadcasts “I AM NOT OK :(”

But then Will leans back in his chair, and the camera moves from where it was hovering over his ear, and you can just see Will physically putting on his reflection of Bedelia’s tremulous remove, it’s astonishing. They start talking all slow about divine punishments & retribution, and irony. I mean yes Chilton’s fate IS super thematic, but so is everything on this show. It’s also HORRIFIC. “Damned if I’ll feel,” Will whispers very carefully, and I don’t know what the fuck that means but it upsets me.

Bedelia says that they are all Dante’s pilgrims in the Inferno, and Will retorts, “No we’re not pilgrims, we’re pets. And the Great Red Dragon kills pets first.” Yes sweetheart I know that distresses you.

Speaking of pets, Bedelia then proposes that by putting his hand on Chilton’s shoulder, Will visually claimed him, and that is specifically why what happened happened. Um. No? Wait. Seriously?! This is ridiculous, and I could go on at length over why this is ridiculous, but I think the simplest rebuttal is this: it implies that if Will had simply stood next to Chilton in the picture, at the same close distance, but WITHOUT his hand on his shoulder, then none of this would have gone down. THAT’S INSANE, OF COURSE IT WOULD HAVE. And I would have forgiven this if it just came up here, but Chilton is ALSO going to talk about the hand-on-the-shoulder thing, and I just. I can’t with this. This is a shoulder too far.

ALSO HIS HAND ISN’T EVEN ON HIS SHOULDER IT’S ON THE BACK OF HIS NECK AND THAT’S ACTUALLY FUCKING WEIRDER AND NONE OF YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT THAT.

A big reason why this gets my goat is that they’re using this to once again try to convince Will that he’s ~murderously dangerous~, and I’m a little surprised at Bedelia right now honestly! The best apologistic explanation I can come up with here, to save her from simply being another Hannibal all “ur just a dark little murderer inside aren’t u” and Will going “omg maybe I am??” while I gesture chaotically to the scene immediately before this where he was literally shaking in a ball on the ground because of the violence he’s forced to bear witness to (remember), is that maybe she’s trying to subvert his survivor’s guilt. In earlier episodes, Bedelia has seemed interested in shoring up Will’s strength, in teaching him that it’s ok to protect yourself, even at the expense of “wounded birds.” And I get that as a thing Bedelia would believe, and as a mindset that could be beneficial for Will. And here, really underscoring that Will is complicit in this (because he totally is! he totally is, I am not refuting that, just as Alana & Jack & Freddie are also at fault) helps Will understand the impact that his actions have. You too have agency in the world, Will Graham. And ultimately yeah these could be helpful things/warnings to hear.

But damn if it doesn’t just sound a lot like Hannibal’s manipulative-ass conversations with Will throughout this whole series:

Bedelia: “Touch gives the world an emotional context. The touch of others makes us who we are. It builds trust.”Will: “I put my hand on his shoulder for authenticity.”Bedelia: “To establish that he really told you those insults about the Dragon. Or maybe you wanted to put Dr. Chilton at risk? Just a little?”Will: “I wonder…”Bedelia: “Do you have to wonder?”Will: “…No.”Bedelia: “What did you think the Great Red Dragon would do? You were curious what would happen, that’s apparent. Is this what you were expecting?”Will: “I can’t say I’m surprised.”Bedelia: “Then you might as well have struck the match. That’s participation.”

Like, I AM ALSO NOT SURPRISED THIS HAPPENED, but that doesn’t mean I did it! Although I’m glad you’ve given Will yet another complex about the act of touching, that should be fun times.

Bedelia: “Hannibal Lecter does have agency in the world; he has you.”

Ok I do like that line a whole lot though. That’s nice. I don’t fully agree with it in this context, again because they’re making it specifically Will and specifically that damn hand, but I do think that has a lot of validity in general.

Aaannnnd then flaming Chilton goes rolling down a path in his wheelchair, An Actual Fred On Fire This Time, and plunges into a fountain, because Frederick Chilton will always survive. Now this is ridiculousness I can get behind.

*sploosh*

Think of me what you will, but I would have let myself drown in that fountain. I have offed myself to get out of lucid dreams enough that I know with certainty I would just imagine this too was a dream, a nightmare, and fucking end it. He no longer has lips, vision in one eye, part of his jaw/cheekbone, several internal organs including a kidney and part of his intestines, and now he’s covered head to toe in third-degree burns. IT’S OVER, CASH IN.

But this is why I am not Dr. Chilton, IMPROBABLE SURVIVOR EXTRAORDINAIRE. Every single damn season. It’s fucking beautiful. My darling cockroach.

After the break, Will imagines himself lighting the match and setting Chilton on fire. I am 99% certain they recycled footage from his first openly cannibalistic dinner with Hannibal.

a less visually striking show could probably get away with this — really it’s a compliment

We cut to Jack talking to Will in the hospital. Well, Jack’s mouth is moving, but you can’t really hear what he’s saying, what I like to call the Ring-Fucks-With-Frodo Effect. It really creeps me out, so it’s a personal fave. When the audio comes back in, i.e. when Will has managed to drag his focus back up from the depths, we learn that Chilton said Will’s name when they brought him in to the ER. Oh boy. Will looks about how I feel. Even Jack asks him if he’s ok, and he just goes “Yeah I’m ok.”

Jack: “He’s trashed. You oughta get ready for this.”

again: same

If you thought, oh it’ll be fine, he’ll just be in full-body bandages, JEN, you were wrong. I’ll spare you all a cap of this mess, and instead offer you this:

Will swallows a few dozen times, and then announces that he’s there. Frederick starts talking to him, and I caught maybe half of it the first go round. “Can you understand what he’s saying?” Jack asks. Not entirely, Jack, thank u for asking. Will then becomes our Chilton translator, which is strange on a rational level because why should he be able to understand this better than Jack, but makes Full Sense on an emotional level because it forces him to say out loud all the things that Bedelia suggested about his responsibility for this. I also like the idea that this is why Will can understand Chilton: he’s already hearing this in his head all the time.

And what Chilton says is this: “You set me up. You knew it. You put your hand on me in the picture, like a pet.” It is so OUTLANDISHLY similar to what Bedelia said, that actually, I’m beginning to become Newly Suspicious about this. Is there perhaps some communication going on between some of these parties that we are not privy to? Given that Hannibal seems able to talk to Dolarhyde at any moment, I’m beginning to wonder if he hasn’t also been in contact with Bedelia. Bedelia working with* Hannibal for some inscrutable end is fully within the realm of possibility, I’d say.

*well, “with” — always to some degree for her interests alone

So that’s something I’m going to think about for a bit. In the meantime, Chilton says he saw a black woman, who was blind, and Jack’s like “oh dang that must be Reba!” and instead of a nice happy transition of Reba making a victory cherry pie for having successfully escaped the Great Red Dragon, we cut to her bound up in the back of Dolarhyde’s stalker van. Booooo. He must have gone off after her, and now he’s dragged her back to his murder manse.

Reba, in full “negotiating with a psycho killer” mode, says “I didn’t know you cared this much about me. I’m glad you feel that way, but you scared me with this.” Reba, my darling, this is unbelievably generous, and a Good Tactic probably.

Unfortunately, Dolarhyde just tells her to shut up, and says he has something important to tell her. “Sermon-on-the-Mount important. Ten Commandments important.” Ok, like, chill bro. We’re listening. He tells her about the Leeds & the Jacobis. He tells her he’s the Great Red Dragon.

then he steps back, unfurling his wings

Well, shit.

Anyway if Will doesn’t end every single one of his lines to Hannibal next week with a battle-ready “whatever you’re in love with me” then I will be disappoint.

No real talk though I have no idea what is going to happen in this finale oh good god somebody hold me.

- Earlier Recaps -

#Super Concise & Sensible Hannibal Recaps #Hannibal #Hannibal spoilers #Tarra recaps stuff #thinkin about cannibalism

85 notes · View notes

feralhogs · 4 years

Note

1-100 TELL ME ALL

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

1. What is you middle name?

Jesse

2. How old are you?

3. When is your birthday?

dec 9

4. What is your zodiac sign?

sagittarius

5. What is your favorite color?

purples

6. What’s your lucky number?

7. Do you have any pets?

8. Where are you from?

bc canada. my great grandparents are from russia

9. How tall are you?

5 something

10. What shoe size are you?

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

3 that i actually use

12. What was your last dream about?

i dont remember my most recent one but i had a banger of a dream i described in another post

13. What talents do you have?

i think expressing myself, or music, i have some talent that needs discipline

14. Are you psychic in any way?

well i am a spiritual person, in a way. and growing up in a toxic drama filled family, i have Developed the Skill of guessing how people are feeling and what they are gonna do. and i analyze dreams. so not psychic but i am really interested and intuitive whats goin on in there

15. Favorite song?

for some reason https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oilVq8-F4_Q colours by roosevelt ive been obsessed with lately i just loop that shit. loop loop loop. blaringit into my ears and speedwalking down thestreet. the beat.!!!! i feel like I took all the colours

16. Favorite movie?

spiderverse. i really enjoyed always be my maybe.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

someone who doesnt make me feel like im Too Much

18. Do you want children?

not RIGHT NOW

19. Do you want a church wedding?

i have no idea actually. id want a special wedding definitely.

20. Are you religious?

yes, i honestly feel like i just come like this, i dont go by any books and i dont want to be associated with christians. if i be too religious i start getting the Bad Feelings

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

yes visiting sick relatives. and one in a psyche ward.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

i got a parking ticket

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

no. maybe i did and i had no idea who they were because id never heard of them

24. Baths or showers?

showers.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

alien socks that are green and black

26. Have you ever been famous?

no. what does that even mean !!!!

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

yes because money but noooooo. its hard when one person definitely doesnt like me. if im famous some people just wont like me and theres going to be more of them

28. What type of music do you like?

stuff with electric guitars in it. funk. bops. i cant get enough lately

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one. and sometimes NONE. i dont fucking know why its just more comfortable. id lie down on a floor and pass out

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

i usually cant fall asleep unless im on my face with my arms tucked under me for warmpth and general log shape. after that though its chaos. dreamin

32. How big is your house?

BIG!!!!!! so many rooms. so many people.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

on a Functional day, cereal. not because its my favourite thing but it doesnt require a lot of attention and its easiest to tolerate. my appetite is just. like this

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

HELL no.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

in my child days i shot my hair elastics around and pretended i was fighting aliens. this is definitely archery.

36. Favorite clean word?

i dont really think about words like that. pizza is a nice word.

37. Favorite swear word?

bitch. its really fun to say.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

not all that long. if i was up the entire night i am usually sleeping in midday no matter where i am. ive disappointed many teachers. its called not caring.

39. Do you have any scars?

yes, but theres no dramatic stories to them, just me not leaving scratches and bites alone as a kid. they look kind of cool though. and theyre so mysterious. youd think id have scars from self harm but no.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

i believe so...

41. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i am 100% like morally committed to lying.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

NO. my thought process is: its rude to assume someone is going to behave badly, and they will be offended and have hurt feelings if you anticipate that. i have to like. treat everyone with exactly the same respect unless theyre a dick. otherwise its being judgmental. and it ends up as naïveté. but im okay with that . the price of being a good person

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

i could do a british one once i guess LOL and it looks like now ive Absorbed a mexican accent but i never really try to talk in other accents

44. Do you have a strong accent?

i dont know how to answer this

45. What is your favorite accent?

idk i like new things i havent heard before. and thinking about how other languages work. theres a lot of different accents at my work and i honestly enjoy listening to them

46. What is your personality type?

that.... INFJ. see. psychic

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

one of the gay jackets

48. Can you curl your tongue?

dont think so

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

50. Left or right handed?

left

51. Are you scared of spiders?

depends. i had these big house spiders in my dungeon at my parents house, and id just be “hi” and set them free. but if i see one where im not expecting it i might yell a lot and tell everyone and run around and then set it free

52. Favorite food?

tacos from my old work. i was indeed. screaming, lost in the sauce. i waited until i was away from the restaurant because i knew all my dignity would vanish

53. Favorite foreign food?

idk... i need to eat more curry. i need more curryin my life. bring it on.

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

clean

55. Most used phrased?

“this slaps” i feel like ive been saying that a lot

56. Most used word?

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

a whole entire fucking hour (when i wake up) otherwise 5min

58. Do you have much of an ego?

i do, but i hide it.

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

chomp chomp. i am not a patient man.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

yes, when i know no ones around, or when im not worried about seeming like a crazy person at work

61. Do you sing to yourself?

nah

62. Are you a good singer?

no. i can sing and it sound okay. nice even. but good??? like beautiful?????? no.

63. Biggest Fear?

someone dying, natural disaster, new illness

64. Are you a gossip?

maybe. i feel like i have the Tendencies and then im like “am i being a bad person right now”. i want to know the deets though.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

i Simply Dont Have the Attention for Those

66. Do you like long or short hair?

BOTH . long hair is more fun to draw. short hair is hot

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

fuck no. why would i. fuck off. i dont care about your states.

68. Favorite school subject?

ART ART AR T

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

introerverte

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

71. What makes you nervous?

people who are not Definitely Cheerful

72. Are you scared of the dark?

no. unless i think about things to scare myself on purpose

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

no unless they need to know. because im not a fucking ANIMAL

74. Are you ticklish?

depends. i can be not ticklish if im determined.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

i dont think so... i started a rumor i was from mars

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

maybe i was supposed to train some girls and then i probably didnt do a great job and they didnt listen. they say my job now is somewhat authority and im like...... ok......

77. Have you ever drank underage?

78. Have you ever done drugs?

79. Who was your first real crush?

someone whos OUTTA MY LIFE

80. How many piercings do you have?

two? i got them pierecd at claires lmao and i didnt get an infection because im so salty. then i took them out because they were from claries

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

hell yes

82. How fast can you type?

so fucking fast. faster than my work finder helper. im fast im very fast

83. How fast can you run?

IM VERY FAST

84. What color is your hair?

orange

85. What color is your eyes?

green

86. What are you allergic to?

im still trying to figure that out. whatever it is gives me hives

87. Do you keep a journal?

yes. so i can get better at handwriting and just talking in general and hear what my voice sounds like. and to have a space away from other peoples needs and pressures

88. What do your parents do?

my mom is a stay at home mom and my dad shoots pop bottles into the sky

89. Do you like your age?

sure

90. What makes you angry?

everything. cabbage. i swore about cabbage for a long time the other day. i am just full of anger.

91. Do you like your own name?

YES. i mean i chose it i better. honestly my first name ......... i feel self conscious about it sometimes. i think it was the only name for me though. it wasnt the ideal most wonderful namei could find because those didnt fit, it was MY name.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

im going to have two sons and im naming them brick and rusty.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

yeah, i want a boy a girl

94. What are you strengths?

my strengths doing all 100 questions, this is serious muscles

95. What are your weaknesses?

the exhaustion of jumping from one question to the next especially when they are vague. im not complaining this was my idea

96. How did you get your name?

i pfound it in the baby name book and i was lie “hey yyy, i saw that name in black beauty, lets use it for my gay coded villain what the hell!”

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

no but i did have some ancestors who lives i a mansions andhad fucking SERVANTS. before you call me problematic my other part of family was like sewing things and not going to school

98. Do you have any scars?

weve been over this. when im older im going to get a cool scar fighting a dragon

99. Color of your bedspread?

pink, white, blue

100. Color of your room?

white

#chatty tag #WHEW

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randomoranges · 6 years

Note

i am very thirsty for all three uni au's ok.

Part 3

Dorm roomies

Étienne, as he was known to do,ended up throwing some wild, crazy party that weekend, much to Edward’s chagrin– he would have preferred spending a quiet weekend, catching up on his readingsand assignments, but even after he had barricaded himself in his room, ataround midnight, just when the party had been in its full swing, a verydishevelled and very happy Étienne had sought him out and had somehow or othermanaged to get him away from his books and into the heart of the mess of peopleÉtienne had gathered for his “humble affair.”

Edward had protested at first, butÉtienne’s good mood was always contagious and within the first few minutes, hehad found himself letting lose and joining Étienne and his friends, dancing anddrinking with them all – Étienne had been more than pleased with himself andthe smile on his face could have rivalled the brightness of the sun itself,which had only lead to Edward taking his friend by the waist to dance with him.

From there, everything had been ablur of familiar, warm hands against his body, green eyes that had never seemedto leave his, and one song that had lead to another and another one after that,until they must have passed out, for when Edward next had a conscious thought,it was morning, he was in Étienne’s room and draped over his body there wasÉtienne’s heavy arm and his friend was sleeping soundly next to him, theirbodies intertwined together; how they got to be like this was anybody’s guess.

Étienne student, Edward prof

Afterclass, Étienne stopped by the washroom to freshen up, before he went byEdward’s office – he straightened the collar of his shirt, made sure he didn’thave anything stuck between his teeth – remembered he had a mint somewhere inhis bag – and made sure to tousle his hair a little; he had it on goodauthority that his shock of curly hair gave him a certain air and that itsuited him – he figured he had nothing to lose, before he took a deep breathand headed up to the fourth floor where Edward’s office was.

Thedoor was slightly ajar, almost as if it was teasing him – giving him a softpreview of what he could find on the other side, a world of possibilities, allmore alluring, more inviting – Étienne figured it would be best if he knocked,the last thing he wanted was for Edward to think that he was impolite – the fewseconds it took between the knock on the door and for Edward to invite him inwere some of the longest in all his life and his heart rate picked up afrenzied pace, before he was finally able to step into the office.

“Étienne,glad you made it, have a seat, please,” Edward motioned to the chair in frontof his desk and Étienne walked up and then sat in it with all the grace hecould muster – he took a moment to take in the décor of the room and foundhimself even more endeared by his professor – it absolutely suited him; fromthe books that were meticulously arranged on the large bookshelves behind thedesk, the potted plant on his desk, the various little trinkets placed here andthere between the shelves, the desk and the window sill; hockey figurines, mementosfrom previous travels, a picture frame here and there, art on the walls, – theentire office felt cozy but not over crowded and Étienne could picture himselfspending many an afternoon here with his favourite professor discussing morethan just the last class reading, but the thing that really stole his breathaway was the very real and very welcoming smile Edward was giving him.

Edward student, Étienne prof

He felt really stupid for feeling so bummed out, but evenafter five days, Edward still felt like a miserable idiot – the end of term hadcome and gone, he had submitted his last paper for Étienne’s class, they hadexchanged very polite, if brief, well wishes for the holiday season, he hadgotten his grade back a few days later – an A, and then that was it – Étiennewas out of his life, and he had chickened out and hadn’t done anything abouthis feelings for his professor – he told himself it was best this way, therewere rules about this and he didn’t want to make Étienne’s career a living helleither, but he had really likedÉtienne and he had really wanted to give it a try.

That was why he was alone, in a bar, not far from hisapartment, drinking beer and feeling miserable – the new term had just started,his schedule was okay, but he hadn’t been able to fit in any other of Étienne’sclasses and seeing as he was graduating at the end of the semester, there werereally no more chances of him ever getting to know Étienne on a more personallevel – his crush would eventually die down and he would meet some other guy,he assumed, and move on.

Edward knew he was being melodramatic – if it hadn’t workedout, then it it wasn’t meant to be – or so his mother had always told him, butEdward still felt like he had missed an important chance and that he had takenthe easy way out, instead of even trying – he was about to call it a day, whenthe object of his yearning materialised right next to him, and it was eitherthe booze, or some delusion, but Edward was shocked as much as surprised whenÉtienne took the empty bar stool next to him, with a bright smile and clappedhim on the back, “Edward, so good to see you!”

———-

Part I, II, III, IV

#pc: edmonton #pc: montreal #edward murphy #étienne maisonneuve #au #ficlet #3 sentence fic meme thing #uni au A #uni au B #uni au C #quatschmachen

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littleshebear · 7 years

Text

Memories (Someone We’ll Never Meet) pt.3

An accident, a meeting and a decision.

AO3 Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/11388942/chapters/25503108

Sofia is ten years old and they are having a history lesson in school. Earlier in the morning, Papa had asked Sofia what she thought history is.

“It’s what happened in the past.”

“”No,” he replied in that serious way of his. “It’s the study of what people said happened in the past. Never forget that.”

They are studying Book One of the Maraid in class. It describes how the Awoken came to be, how the Reef was formed. Sofia thinks this is a strange place to start. She is fairly certain that History goes back a lot further than that, is has to. Papa’s poems are hundreds of years old, he said so. She decides not to say anything in class, mindful of her family’s private set of Rules. She will ask her parents about it later.

Sofia sits, elbows on her desk, chin in her hands. She’s pretending to listen to Ms. Sadler explain how Queen Mara saved them all from certain doom but instead, she is daydreaming about one of Papa’s poems, the one about the daffodils. It is a funny word. Daff-o-dil. Far too silly-sounding for such a pretty thing. At least, she imagines they are pretty. Ms. Sadler is droning on, something about Starlight and Darkness, while Sofia is fixated upon images of yellow flowers, blue skies and a carpet of green as far as the eye can see. Once she has the image fixed in her mind, she is loathe to let it go. It is so hard to properly visualise anything that is not in shades of blue, black or Royal Purple.

“Sofia?” Ms. Sadler’s voice cuts through Sofia’s reverie.

“Yes?”

What did I just say?”

Sofia has no idea. She was far too busy wandering in her head, lonely as a cloud.

“Uh,” she hazards a reasonable guess. “It was about Queen Mara?”

“No. If you’d been paying attention-”

Ms. Sadler is interrupted by a sudden rumble that seemingly reverberates throughout the whole station. Sofia grabs the edges of her desk to steady herself, expecting a shockwave to rock the little classroom. She feels vibration through her feet but nothing more.

“Stay in your seats.” Ms. Sadler heads towards a console behind her desk. She calls for silence as a ripple of chatter breaks out among the children. She frowns at a read out before announcing that class is dismissed and everyone is to return to their quarters and stay there until further notice. “Come along,” she says with forced brightness. “Quickly now, but no running. Two by two.”

The class pair off and file out in not quite as orderly a fashion as their teacher would have liked. Cries of “What’s going on?” and “Are we evacuating?” echo down the corridor.

“No one is evacuating, just…” She hesitates, as though she were unsure that she can project enough of an aura of calm. “There will be an announcement in due course.”

Sofia knows it is foolish to expect a straight answer from one of Them. She opts to get information from a source who is not programmed to lie. She spots a Frame standing at the end of the corridor. She breaks away from her classmates and and marches up to it.

“Frame? What caused the noise at fourteen-twenty hours?”

The robot swivels its head to face her. “Explosive decompression in Hangar Six.”

Sofia pales and just stares for a second or two. Mama and Papa are stationed in Hangar Six.

“Are my parents okay?” She quavers.

“Casualties reported. Identities unknown,” it replies in its maddeningly calm voice.

“Are my parents okay?” Sofia raises her voice. She knows she’s breaking the Rules here but she’s past caring. “My mother is flight engineer -”

Someone grabs her wrist before she can scream her parents’ names and ranks in this useless Frame’s stupid, oblong face.

“Sofie…” Marcus is pulling her back into line. “You’re not supposed to do that. Come on.” His lips are set in a thin line and he is frowning deeply. Sofia cannot believe he cares about the Rules at a time like this. She is ready to punch him again (and she would know how this time. Papa taught her). She is about to yell at him to let go when she notices that his mouth is curving distinctly downwards and his chin is wobbling.

“What’s wrong?”

“My dad’s in Hangar Six too.” There is a hitch in his breathing and his voice is strained.

Sofia puts aside her animosity and slips her hand into his. She can forgiving. “It’ll be okay.” She can be brave. “They do drills for this sort of thing.”

Marcus nods but his brows remain stubbornly knotted together . Sofia is not sure she believes it either but she feels strongly that someone should say it.

When Sofia arrives at her pod she gives Marcus’ hand a firm squeeze while saying, “It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.”

Marcus nods and repeats the mantra. “It’ll be okay.” If they say if often enough, it will become true. He lets go of Sofia’s hand with some degree of reluctance and heads towards his own pod.

Sofia shuts the door and takes a seat at the table. Then she moves to the couch, perching on the edge. Then back to the table. She finally decamps to her bedroom. She grabs a stuffed rabbit toy off the shelf and curls into a foetal position on her little cot. She has told herself for the longest time that she is getting too old for the toy (what even is a rabbit, anyway?) but today, she clutches it to her as though her life depends on it. She stares across the expanse of the pod at the front door, waiting for some sign of movement. For all her grousing about how cramped the pod is, the thought of Mama and Papa never coming home again makes the place seem cavernous.

She glances at her chronometer periodically, each time expecting at least an hour to have gone by, only to see that the time has only advanced by a matter of minutes. She curls her fingers into her toy rabbit until her knuckles turn white, and her muscles start to ache from lying rigid and unmoving. After a seeming eternity, she hears the door seal pop and she springs back into a sitting position. She does not realise she has been holding her breath until the door finally opens and Mama walks through. Sofia exhales sharply before covering her mouth with her hand, stifling a sob. She does not remember running across the pod to meet her mother. One moment she is sitting on her bed, the next she is flinging her arms around Mama’s waist and sobbing into her coveralls.

Mama crouches down and to Sofia’s level and hugs her back just as fiercely. “Did someone tell you what happened?”

“I asked a Frame,” she whimpers in response. “Papa?” She asks, fearful of the answer.

“He’s out on patrol, he wasn’t there. He’s fine.” Mama insists she’s fine too but she is trembling, her hands are ice cold and she refuses every attempt Sofia makes to Link with her.

~*~

They pile into a cramped room in one of 10 Hygiea’s libraries. Sofia stares in wonder around the walls. They are covered in shelves which are packed with books, hard drives and engrams. She is dying to rifle through them but she is under strict instructions not to touch anything. Sofia turns her attention to the other people assembled. There are all sorts; Engineers like Mama, pilots like Papa, maintenance workers, archivists and even three Cryptarchs. Sofia stifles a giggle. Their bright yellow robes make them look like three intellectual daffodils.

Mama had not been sure if Sofia should have come to this meeting but Papa was adamant. “She’s old enough to understand. She deserves a say.”

Sofia can hear voices engaged in a spirited back and forth discussion but she finds it hard to follow the conversation with the crush of bodies obscuring her view of who is speaking. Papa eventually notices her standing on her tiptoes and craning her neck so he lifts her onto a library ladder. He holds her around her waist to steady her.

“Don’t fall.” Papa whispers, smiling. “You mother would have my hide.” Sofia smiles back, wraps her arms around his neck and grips his shoulder. She turns her attention back to the meeting. Two of the Cryptarchs are arguing.

“We have everything we need here. I see no sense in taking off into the unknown. We have defences, food, water -”

“Our material needs yes but-”

“What is more important than that, Rahool?” Counters the first Cryptarch. “This is a matter of survival.”

“I have no desire to live in a city of pigs,” The one called Rahool snaps back.

“Pigs? What are you talking about?”

“Oh read a book, Ives.”

Sofia frowns in puzzlement but Papa is smiling softly. She leans in to whisper, “What is he talking about?”

“He means there’s more to life than survival. There’s leisure, art, beauty. They’re important too.”

“Oh. I get that.” She nods until something else occurs to her. “What’s a pig?”

Papa shushes her gently, “Later.”

Another voice pipes up. “But he’s right though. Earth is dangerous, the Fallen -”

“The Fallen are manageable.” Papa does not raise his voice but somehow manages to cut through the hub-bub. “Besides, we should be uniting with Earth, not leaving the people there to their fate.”

“Well that’s very brave, very noble and perhaps rather too easy for someone in your position to say. We’re not all soldiers here.”

“If arguing from morality won’t convince you, very well. How about pragmatism? Earth has resources we could use, we have resources Earth could use. I see no advantage to this division.”

“We’re Awoken, we are not human,” that Cryptarch called Ives chimes in. “You may not see the sense in it but the division is there, whether you want it or not. Assuming we returned to Earth, there’s no guarantee they’d accept us.”

“We’re more alike than we are different,” Rahool steps into the fray again.

“And humankind has a long history of being accepting of difference,” Ives replies, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Surely you of all people shouldn’t need a primer on that?”

“I like to think that we haven’t lost everything that the Golden Age gave us.” Rahool’s fists are clenched in front of him and his words are clipped.

“That’s just wishful thinking. You can hope Earth will be safe all you want but we know we’re safe here.”

“I lost eight members of my crew last week!” Mama isn’t yelling but she is not exactly calm either. Ives sits back in his chair a little, as though pushed back by the force of her words. “Two in the explosion, six got spaced. I was lucky I was hooked on, I’d have joined them if I hadn’t been. More than a dozen injured. Do not talk to me about safe.”

Sofia’s gaze drops to the floor. Marcus has not been in school since the accident. She thinks his father must have died. She did not much like him, from what she saw of him but she feels for Marcus. She hopes whatever happened to his father was quick. She does not want to think of the alternative. It’s too horrible.

Ives does not speak at first. He just looks at hands which are clasped in front of him. He will not look at Mama. Sofia does not blame him. When Mama and Papa stand shoulder to shoulder like this, she suspects the Darkness itself would think twice before taking them on. He eventually sighs and turns to Rahool.

“I can’t be a part of this, I’m sorry.” Ives’ voice is soft, like his words are directed only at Rahool. He stands and nods respectfully to the female Cryptarch. “Mistress Karn. I shall endeavour to keep the libraries in good order should you decide to leave.” He glances briefly at Rahool again before heading for the exit. Rahool goes to reach after him but this Mistress Karn shakes her head, lays a hand on his arm and gently lowers it back down. The room stays silent for a moment, as if everyone is unsure what to do now.

“What is our youngest attendee’s opinion?” The female Cryptarch fixes her gaze on Sofia. “After all, it is the young who will need to deal with the repercussions of what we decide here.”

Sofia freezes, acutely aware that dozens of pairs of eyes are suddenly trained on her. She glances at her parents for reassurance.

“Just say what you think, sweetheart.” Mama smiles encouragingly. “Don’t say what you think we want to hear. Be honest.”

“Uhm.” She coughs, then takes a deep breath. “The Fallen scare me. I think there could be lots of things about Earth that would scare me but…” She pauses to get her breath again. Her lungs seem too small all of a sudden. “The Reef is cramped. It’s dark. The water keeps getting turned off. And if anything goes wrong, people could die. At least on Earth, we wouldn’t have to worry about being sucked into space if we open the wrong door or flip the wrong switch. We wouldn’t run out of air if an engine broke down.” She takes another deep breath, feeling the words come more easily now. “And Earth has trees and rain and waterfalls and birds and clouds. And bowers. And daffodils. I want to see that. Don’t see why I shouldn’t get to just because I’m Awoken.”

Mistress Karn steeples her fingers and smiles softly. “If you were told you could leave for Earth would you go?”

Sofia knows she should probably take a moment to think before responding but she knows her answer. She has known it for two years now. “Yes.”

“And what if you were told that if you left, you could never come back?”

Sofia nods emphatically. “Still yes.”

She senses both her parents on the periphery of her mind, waiting for permission to enter. She opens her thoughts to them and is suddenly deluged with Mama and Papa’s pride in her. She wobbles on her ladder perch a little, knocked off-balance by this happy onslaught. She rights herself and smiles sheepishly, the colour rising in her cheeks.

“This is all well and good, Tyra,” Rahool is speaking again but far less stridently now. It is like he has lost much of the fight in him since Ives walked out, “but this entire discussion may be moot. We’re assuming the Queen will just let us leave, and there’s no guarantee of that.”

“I’ll speak with the Queen, leave her to me.” Mistress’ Karn’s voice remains calm and measured. Sofia suspects that there is very little that could faze her.

“What if she says no?” asks a young corsair. He looks agitated, scowling and fidgeting with his gloves. “Do we just roll over and accept that?”

“I doubt it would come to that, it wouldn’t be politically expedient for her. I know Mara Sov. She is many things but she is not stupid. She knows there would be resistance and she knows that would be damaging for her. Far better for her to appear magnanimous.”

“Resistance is a mild word for it,” the young corsair growls and folds his arms.

Sofia broadcasts ripples of fear to her still-Linked parents. What does he mean? Is there going to be fighting?

No sweetheart, Mama replies silently. It won’t come to that. You heard Tyra Karn.

But what if it does?

Then Papa is in her head, calm and resolute. I’ll protect you, Starshine. I’ll always protect you, never doubt that.

~*~ Notes: If anyone is curious, the book Rahool is imploring Ives to read is Plato’s Republic. And I never expected to end up shipping those two but here we are.

#Destiny fanfiction

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shrekshugebadussy · 7 years

Text

im going to get real here, and it might be long. so basically im having an emotional meltdown because i think ive finally figured out what i want to do in life. so here we go. ill also put it under a read more so its not long on the dash

so back in high school, i never really gave thought to what i want to do. I thought maybe id go to school, get a degree in meteorology, and then maybe try and become an actress of some sort or whatever. i never thought about it seriously because i never knew what i wanted to do with my life. nothing sounded intriguing enough.

so i graduated high school and went off to college. i started off with the meteorology degree only to find that as much i loved the weather and that i loved learning it, math, chem, and physics just werent my thing. neither was me trying to actively look into the future and i just didnt want to be where i was headed. it wasnt me.

sophomore year started last semester and i started taking art classes. i dont know what all my options are out there in the art department, so i just decided to explore. now, at this point ive gotten to where i can narrow down some things i would love to do. I love photography, and i love storm chasing. theres part of an option. i also love drawing, and if i could do something in that, such as animating or graphic novelizing, that would be great.

flash forward to now: ive taken an intro to drawing class and im not taking an intro to painting class. i didnt even realize that there wasnt an animation program offered here, at least until they started to have lectures from animators themselves to see if they would be good professors, i assume.

I went to one of those lectures two hours ago. The animator that spoke was one that worked with disney for a long time and has moved here and there to dreamworks and such and is now working on the cartoon network show Clarence. i learned so much from listening to him. keep in mind though i literally knew nothing about animation beforehand, or anything program wise either. so i was able to learn what the process can take on average and such.

i want to cry. i realized that as i see myself in the future as an animator, i love it. if i change that to one of a meteorologist, i dont feel like that is where i should be. and animation is one that would i love to do until the end of my days. and i honestly cant believe it took me until this long to figure that out. i want to cry.

the frustrating part tho is that even though ive been drawing for years and ive definitely improved, i still have A LOT of improving to do, and im only starting out. the program wont launch until, i think they said next fall, so fall 2018. thats a long way away, and ive already been here for two years. i dont want to be here much longer than needed. so im going to keep with these art classes, to keep improving, and then i can start. and i just hope it wont take me super long to get out of here so i can start animating.

i want to cry. for once in my life i finally figured out a plan for my future instead of just idly going by. for the longest time i couldnt see myself in the future doing anything. it was frustrating. i was just there. the future was just kind of black. but now i can see myself doing what i love and i want to cry

#im sorry im ranting #personal #college #aspiring animator #thanks to whoever actually read this lmao im sorry its longer than i was anticipating

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space-racoon · 4 years

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✨Meet the Daydreamer!✨

I decided to fill out this template made by @babydollsmadd! (edited for my immersive daydreaming)

Name/Nickname: Ollie

Age: Minor

Pronouns: They/them

Star Sign:Saggatarius

MBTI: INFP-T

Likes: I like listening to music,making art, reading, writing and playing videogames! (Also daydreaming ofc) I also really like Autumn.

Dislikes: Im a picky eater, so there is alot of food i dont eat. I dont like hearing a song that triggers my daydreaming and then not being able to pace. I also dont like it when i have to listen to music with one broken earbud because it throws off my daydreaming. I also dislike people who dont care about others.

Hobbies: I like making art and writing. Im going to try and pick up sewing and skateboarding soon!

Fav Colors: Yellow,light green and pastel purplish blue. They make me happy!

For how long have been immersive daydreaming?

Ive been doing it at least since i was 12, but i remember having some paras vaugely before then (my memory is really bad, so i only kinda remember the paras, and ive mostly forgotten the storylines,but i do know most of them revolved around music)

When did you discover the term/community?

The first time i heard about the community, i was twelve and heard about Maladaptive Daydreaming. Everything fit except the “unable to controll the daydreams” thing (the daydreaming being maladaptive), so i decided it didnt apply to me and held off looking into it for a couple of years. Recently, i decided to look into it again and found the term “Immersive Daydreamer” which fits me perfectly.

In which ways does daydreaming affect your daily life?

It doesnt affect it negatively, but i do use it to cope with my home situation and dysphoria. The only problem i have really is people walking in on me pacing;but my family has gotten used to it by now so i don’t get looked at as weird as i used to.

(Also sometimes i daydream in movie theatres and my stimming disrupts my family a bit, but i can control it and stop, i just get really excited sometimes :])

How many Paras do you have? How developed are they?

I’ve done a rough headcount and i have 32(ish? im pretty sure im forgetting some less developed ones, and also im not including my parames because theyre self inserts) and they all vary in how developed they are (depending on the paracosm/universe because sometimes i reuse paras).

The paras ive developed the most (and also the ones i remember having the longest) are Skylar and Adam (ill introduce them later!)

What media do you use for Daydreaming related things? (Examples would be music, books or social media platforms.)

I use music mostly. Sometimes if i read a book/watch a movie or tv show and i really like it ill take the plotline and add it to an existing cosm/make a new one. I also use tumblr (i.e. this blog).

Assuming you have a MaDD blog, in what ways did that change how you view and interact with your daydreams/Paras?

I havent had the blog for super long, but it hasnt changed much!

Is there a special meaning behind the name of your blog? How did you choose it?

I asked my friends to help me name it and picked the suggestions i like the most!

Do you want to add anything? Here you can say something about yourself that you want to share!

I’m really excited to meet new people who understand what its like to immersively daydream (im pretty much the only one i know that does it in my friend group)! Feel free to say hi! I can be pretty shy, but ill try my best to talk!

#immersive daydreaming #my daydreams #daydreaming #the racoon speaks

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recentanimenews · 4 years

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Review: Pokémon Sword and Shield

Pokémon has moved forward several half-assed steps at a time, and that’s not a criticism. The series has existed comfortably in its own bubble and where other games would get lambasted for looking inward, Pokémon has thrived on reiteration and the slow crawl of minor innovations to the template. Pokémon games primarily get compared to other Pokémon games and no one expects the series to change drastically from its rock-solid fundamentals after so many years. Even as people forget weird features like poffins and Pokémon Musicals, they can take solace in the notion that even the jankiest gimmicks all work towards crafting the definitive Pokémon game, whatever that might look like in the future. Well, that future died with the announcement that Sword and Shield would mark the end of the full Pokémon roster and we would all need to leave the old “gotta catch ‘em all” mantra in the past.

Pokémon Sword and Shield is the eighth generation in the mainline series of games and the first to appear on home console. It’s set in the Galar region, a place inspired by the art director’s experiences as a youth growing up in the United Kingdom. Players assume the role of a silent protagonist chasing the dream to become the Pokémon Champion, a lofty goal that is pursued with much more fervor by the player’s rival, a perennial loser named Hop who is also the current champion’s younger brother. In my mind, the player character I created, a young Pokémon trainer named Tomoyo, has lived the entirety of her life stuck in this one-Pokémon Center town knowing nothing more about the world other than what’s filtered down to her through Hop’s experiences in the comforting shade of the champion’s cape. Her growth into a person with her own story to tell spurred me on to leave home but unfortunately Hop won’t be shaken off so easily.

Even as Hop is vaunted as a formidable rival, he crumbles within seconds of any given Pokémon match against the player character and typically loses to other mid-card trainers off-camera. Loser rivals have become a staple of the series ever since Game Freak decided to let players hold type advantage over the rival’s starter Pokémon a few generations ago. For the most part, this hasn’t been a problem as balanced team-building has to grow from the initial Grass-Fire-Water triangle of effectiveness. The purpose of the rival has always been to test the player’s progress against what’s to come, gating off high-level areas until the player proves they’re capable. Hop’s path toward the Gym Challenge Finals is tightly woven with the player’s own journey and while I welcome the idea of a rival/ally having greater involvement in the storyline, Hop simply sucks at Pokémon for the longest time. And here’s the kicker to all this: everyone in Galar sucks at Pokémon.

II.

When people claim that Pokémon is “easy” and offers “zero challenge,” they tend to forget that they come in armed with a huge advantage of prior knowledge of the mechanics. By design, the player is meant to become the Pokémon Champion and there are no alternate routes to some other final destiny. That said, Sword and Shield puts up a considerably weaker fight than its predecessors. You never get the impression that the trainers are trying at all to compete and the Routes between towns are now more than ever a vestige of environment design better suited to the capabilities of the classic Game Boy. Galar’s layout evokes memories of theme parks and my quick, unimpeded dominance of the region made me feel less like a champion and more like an asshole ruining the illusion for the rest of the patrons.

Separate from Galar’s underwhelming Routes, the Wild Area received a lot of buzz when it was first unveiled and to be fair, it’s the most exciting part of the game despite its flaws. The diversity of the wild Pokémon encounters more than makes up for lame trainer battles. It’s never more apparent that certain conventions are dead and gone than when running into high-level final evolutions of Pokémon that have never appeared in the wild before. In the past, wild Pokémon were more of a nuisance than anything, hardly worth the time spent inputting the commands for an easy one-hit knockout. Along with the variety present from field to field, many of Sword and Shield’s wild Pokémon also give juicy experience points, frequently outleveling the trainers present in the immediate area. The delicate level curve of the game is easily broken as a result of meandering through the Wild Area for too long but it’s still a welcome change of pace to decades of grinding trash mobs.

Players that think too hard will look at the Routes, then at the Wild Area, and will then ask themselves why the developers didn’t just design travel around the more gratifying open world environment. The issue is that the Wild Area doesn’t have that Breath of the Wild butteriness to it, perhaps an unfair comparison considering BotW wasn’t connecting to hundreds of other players at all times. Wild Area performance takes a huge blow while online even with the console docked and although chop is reduced if a player disconnects from the internet, that defeats the purpose of the lively community feel of the Wild Area. Given how erratic the Wild Area renders under the strain of weather conditions and online connectivity, I see it more as a fun experiment than the cornerstone of Sword and Shield’s design. It shows that Game Freak is at least attempting to evolve and it’s unfortunate that the shrinking Pokédex became the symbol of change when the Wild Area is the best new idea the studio has had in years.

III.

The region of Galar is dominated by the influence of one benevolent businessman named Chairman Rose who has sculpted the culture of competitive Pokémon battles around Dynamax, a Galar exclusive phenomenon in which Pokémon get really, really big. Stadiums are built on top of “power spots” that allow Pokémon to Dynamax for the entertainment of the crowds, building up matches as a festival occasion on top of being a legitimate sport. As nice as it is to have the gyms back, this aspect of the game hasn’t grown much at all despite how they dress it up.

Even once you catch a whiff of the true nature of Dynamaxing and strange instances of Pokémon going berserk, the game is dismissively patronizing about keeping players focused on their regular journey, with characters insisting that the Gym Challenge is more important than giant Pokémon running amok in the stadiums. This subplot eventually does come to the forefront at the worst possible moment and by this point, solving the crisis that’s about to unfold has zero momentum compared to the Pokémon League. The whole farce regarding the dark omen threatening Galar wraps up as soon as it’s introduced, making me wonder why the game even bothers raising the stakes to some world-ending catastrophe if it’s compressed into a handful of battles.

For all the emphasis placed on Dynamax, the battle feature is one of the more underwhelming gimmicks in a series that’s full of them. The story explains that its use is anchored to locations featuring power spots, isolating it to stadiums and raids in the Wild Area. Despite the showy nature of the effect, it’s never utilized in any meaningful way in battle and it only takes a couple of fights to see the full extent of what the system has to offer. So long as a player can survive three Dynamax moves, the threat of actually wiping out in a Gym Leader match will have more to do with type disadvantages than the power of Dynamax. The max raids against wild Dynamax Pokémon are far more challenging than what you’ll see against trainers and the rewards from the raids are stupid good, so the gimmick isn’t entirely a worthless feature. Still, it doesn’t clear the air of this idea that Dynamax wasn’t worth the trouble.

IV.

Held up to the light at any angle, Sword and Shield is marred with flaws, but I still wouldn’t want to go back to the early generations after experiencing Pokémon on the Switch. The story is an absolute shambles but if your game is to raise, train, and tinker for the perfect critter, Sword and Shield is a considerable step up from the 3DS era’s mature metagame functionality. Untold millions of hours will be saved as a result of cutting out so much of the bullshit regarding stats, natures, and leveling. The interface is clean and responsive, controls can be set to play with a single joy-con, and the decision to give players almost-unlimited access to their Box storage is a lifesaver when it comes to breeding and farming Pokémon eggs. People that approach Pokémon at the surface level will see the same game they’ve been playing for years but the maniacs that put in the time and effort to hunt for shiny Pokémon or train for competitions will be grateful at how much the process has been streamlined.

I finished the main story at about 30 hours with a third of that time spent either going out for detours or idling to prepare coffee. The main game isn’t much longer or shorter than the past couple of Pokémon games but the scarcity of unique things to do after the credits roll is somewhat insulting. “No postgame” is an exaggeration but “minimal postgame” would be hard to argue. I can’t blame people for feeling cheated with the first $60 console Pokémon game having a single post-game quest to capture the box art legendary and no other high-priority content outside of the meta. Going back to pick up missed items and face trainers in rematches isn’t nearly as compelling as uncovering secrets after becoming Champion, especially if you have no interest in playing past catching rare Pokémon. I took myself past the 75-hour mark to complete my Pokédex and as fulfilling as it was for me, I wouldn’t claim that it’s a significantly worthwhile endeavor for the average player. By comparison, Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon had its own post-game quest, an extensive roster of legendaries to hunt down, and yeah, full support of all Pokémon going back to Ruby and Sapphire for GBA. Whatever the reasons might be, Sword and Shield has a very definitive end to its adventure that comes all too soon.

For all the controversy in the lead-up, Sword and Shield ended up being more than a little OK, if not a messy success that could still be better. The future of the series will be challenging as long as Game Freak commits to the idea of rotating Pokémon in and out of the main games, guaranteeing that the next game will have limited compatibility with this generation out of the box. Nintendo and co. took a calculated risk with Sword and Shield and now that the games have sold a verified and very real One Billion copies at retail, they can reasonably infer that they won’t have to bend to the will of a few thousand rowdy fans clamoring for a return to the old ways. They have a healthy base of players comprised of casuals who don’t give a shit about Dexit, newer fans that aren’t too miffed about leaving the 3DS games behind, and folks who just like Pokémon too much to complain too loudly. I found my own enjoyment in Sword and Shield, but I’m also not rushing to post #thankyougamefreak without seeing the shape of Pokémon to come. You don’t have to like it, but odds are you already paid for it.

Pokémon Sword and Shield originally appeared on Ani-Gamers on December 21, 2019 at 6:17 PM.

By: David Estrella

#Anime #News #Ani-Gamers

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rantsbymiriam · 4 years

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Nightmares

I had a terrible nightmare last night. It was so bad that im still thinking about it today....so vivid in my memory as if it actually happened to me. Thats the thing about dreams, you actually feel all the emotions when you dream. And when you have a bad dream, you feel it as though it was real.

I dreamt I was in a school bus filled with school children and we all got into a major accident. We crashed into the river..but it wasn’t a river..it was a river filled with oil. You cant swim in it. (gila climate change dream)

I survived. The bus driver managed to haul me out. The children died. I cried so much. The bus driver told me that we should leave the area immediately and act like nothing happened so no one would find out. I was appalled at his suggestion but I was too much in shock to be able to process his suggestion. Then suddenly im back at home trying to tell an ex of mine what happened to me with the accident and all. And he just ignored me.

Then I woke up.

How many layers of trauma can you point out in this very dream? So many! I dreamt abt dying chlidren!!

I have a bajillion things to do at work today and all I can think about is

1- The children died. I can hear their cries. 2- wtf is wrong with the bus driver 3- wtf is my ex boyfriend of 10 years ago doing in my dream ignoring me? Seriously wtf. dah dah la tu.

Obviously whatever thats going on in your dreams is a reflection of your reality. Howver, my reality is not so bad now though. Work is work. I should feel pretty excited about whats to come for work stuff (murals and new projects and shit) but I think at this point of my life i cant derive happiness from work anymore. In the beginning I could because everything was new and exciting and now everything is just work...blerghhh..

You know what I need to get? A life. Thats what I need to get. I spent the whole of 2018,2019 focusing all my energy and time on work and figuring out the business....but its already the end of 2019...and im legit dying for something new. I also think I need to start dating again. You know, be a normal 31 year old single woman.

I just dont know how to anymore. All the things I used to like a few years ago...before I left for London in 2016...going to bars, clubbing, partying...im just not into anymore. Whenever I am invited to go, or think about going, my head immediately feels heavy...like my entire body refuses to do all these things...

So i’ve been trying out new activities...like THRIFTING. I am a natural thrifter. It gives me so much satisfaction if I find something I love for RM2. I went last weekend with some friends and we found a RM2 MARIMEKKO PLATE WHAT WHATTTTTT. If thats not a steal I dunno what is. I used to sell these plates at Janine and they’re like RM50.

I said in my last post that i’ve been getting back into my music.....which is really playing the guitar again..playing my ukelele....writing music..singing to myself. Why did I even stop doing this? I loveeeee music. But for the longest time, ive had the weirdest most complicated relationship with all the music I love. (to cut the story short, a lot of bands trigger my PTSD LOL) I’ve been trying to deal with all these triggers and FORCE myself to listen to the songs and create new memories attached to it.

I notice this abt myself. When I go through a bad experience in life... when im out of it... I avoid everything to do with that time of my life like THE PLAGUE. Even when the experience also had good stuff in it, I still avoid. I don’t think this is a good way fo navigating life.

For example, last night I went to watch Last Christmas with my mom and my sister (#romcomnight) and the movie was shot in London. I legit had so many WEIRD flashbacks of my time in London. It was non stop. Good and bad memories. mostly bittersweet. I couldn’t bring myself to really get into the movie because THE ENTIRE MOVIE TRIGGERED ME. I need to deal with this. I WONT allow just a shitty time in London make me hate an entire city that I used to love. Ahh.. London...what a weird time of my life. Thats the moment I realize you can get what you want in life, but still be unhappy about other shit. It never stops. More on that later.

You know another city that triggers me? Singapore. Oh my god. Now I have 2 freaking countries that make me have the hibbyjibbies when I go there.

Anyway, this year, I plan to stop getting triggered with crap that doesn’t even directly affect my day to day life. Like music, movies and entire cities that i’ve been completely avoiding because it triggers me so much. As you can obviously guess by now, relationship memories trigger me. I now know that it isn’t the relationship per se that triggers me, it isn’t even the person im seeing. It is just me being overly sentimental and having all these childhood traumas that come back to haunt me when I date people.

And it only comes out when I start getting intimate with people. All my emotional baggage from being abandoned and neglected as a child comes back tenfolds with any guy I date. He could be the nicest guy in the world and I would still have to deal with my baggage. I know my nightmare last night is probably a reflection of all these experiences i’ve had as a child.

It took me a looooongggg ass time to accept and forgive all the people who had hurt me as a child. If you dont know yet, childhood trauma is one of the main reasons why people behave / do / believe in what they do / have unhealthy coping mechanisms...and it can REALLY affect relationships and how you are in a relationship if one does not deal with these traumas properly. It also affects how you deal with stress and stressful situations. It affects everything really. For me it affects EVERY SINGLE THING abt my life, except work related stuff .People always assume I have my shit together because when its work related im almost always on the good side of things. My personal life is the opposite of my work life. It used to be a disaster area. Literally a hurricane went through it and nobody rebuilt it. It was just left there in shambles...Theres a rave happening in the middle of it.....Not really a happy rave...more like a rave happening out of desperation, like “fuck we live in a hell hole. LET’s RAVE!!!” Instead of cleaning up the mess, I chose to rave. Omg. Thats totally me and my life haha. Anyway, that was back then. Currently my personal life is a beautiful garden straight out of a Monet painting..theres a beautiful cottage right by the river.....flowers are blooming everywhere...Its pretty scenic...fantabulous...level boleh masuk Architectural Digest (welcome to my crib)...... The only problem is that its completely EMPTY.... More on that later.

Back to childhood traumas, I am not the only one in the world with childhood traumas. EVERYONE has childhood traumas in one way or another. EVERYONE has baggage. You reading my blog here. You have traumas. It’s only a matter of being AWARE of ones trauma or not. Thats your own journey to find out. Some people are lucky to have been born into mentally healthy and happy families, GOOD FOR YOU BRO.

Im not special at all. I hear stories front left and centre about relationships falling apart because of they haven’t properly dealt with all their mommy and daddy issues...and issues regarding the self....

Anyway I dont even know why im talking about this right now..I guess the dream last night made me realize that ive totally been avoiding dating or having relationships (or even meeting new people) and using work as an excuse to not have to deal.

Then again, its not like TINDER has the best quality of men in the world Lol so I know im not missing out on much. But I know I must.

For the sake of my “art” and creativity. I’ve never been a full time artist AND be in a relationship at the same time. I always wondered all these artists and their “muses” - being inspired by another person to create your art....I find it fascinating.

If you read about Frida Kahlo’s life and her artist boyfriend...whoa..thats like ART TELENOVELA....Artists are so passionate when it comes to love. I scare myself when I think about it. Artists have no chill honestly. When they feel, THEY TRULY FEEL. Im sure many artists are able to properly regulate their emotions and are just normal ass people...but the artists I know are all super mad in some way....

Which is why, I believe this is the best profession for me. There was no way I could work in an office and be a robot...churn out report after report and new marketing strategies when there is so much ABOUT LIFE out there to get inspired by...I guess this is a topic for another time which I really wanna talk about. Basically how I came into “myself” when I made the change to do what I really want in life. I changed my hair and dressing too.....I suddenly realized “Why am I wearing all this 9-5 bullshit? Why TF am I wearing an A line skirt” I can wear whatever the hell I want I dont have a boss or have to be “professional” and I can get away with wearing a plastic bag on my head if I wanted to. And here I thought I was a “non-conformist” There was so much more I was subconsciously “conforming” to and didn’t realize. Dressing and hair are just surface level stuff....Theres a whole lotta “lifestyle” choices that ive been re-thinking too....Also the sacrifices i’ve made to do the business...I had to do a whole entire LIFESTYLE rehaul for me to be able to afford doing my business......(this is something that I REALLY want to share. Cause chasing your dreams ain’t easy. People only see the glamorous parts of it)

Thats a post for another time. For now, I really gotta go back to work and FINISH UP SOME REALLY EXCITING PROJECTS....

(I tried to do this in caps lock to hype myself, but it didn’t work. im dreading work today....oh well) Im human. some days we get nightmares and it fucks up our entire day.

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