The 2022 Miss Universe pageant was last night!
Which means: the National Costumes are here.
Yes, there is video. It’s worth watching if you want to see how some of these look in motion, but I’m warning you in advance that the emcees keep doing these shitty little rhyming couplets, and they will make you want to strangle them with one of the many available voluminous gown trains. So I’m suffering on your behalf, and liveblogging.
First up: Albania.
Sparkly flag-inspired bodysuit with train is the voting “present” of the Miss Universe National Costume Competition.
Angola. She did a fun dance on her way to center stage, which would probably not have been possible in her original costume, which was “tree-inspired” and too big to ship to New Orleans.
Argentina. This is where the video does come in handy, because without it I would not be able to award her First Contestant To Visibly Struggle Under The Weight Of Her Outfit. It’s a waterfall. The rainbow crotch area was certainly a design choice.
Armenia. I would like to see what’s going on with the bodice behind the... shield thing? but she never put it down.
Also, it turns out that when one contestant has a costume dedicated to solemn remembrance of the Armenian genocide, and the contestant immediately after her has a costume that’s about beach parties, there is kind of an uncomfortably abrupt tonal shift that happens onstage.
Aruba. Like I said: weird tonal shift! She did a little shimmy dance at Miss Armenia as they passed each other and it was clearly awkward for both of them. This is made of recycled materials leftover from Carnival, which is cool? I guess?
Australia. This is a prom dress. Boo.
Bahrain. A rare pants look! There’s a lot of detail in the headdress and bodice that’s kind of getting lost, but it looks cool in motion. Also the theme is apparently “Bahrain is rich as fuck,” so congrats I guess?
Belgium. Okay so the theme of this costume, my hand to g-d, is “the window on the International Space Station that Belgium built.” Why does this requires a shit-ton of leftover Christmas tinsel and some very awkward-to-wear angel wings? I do not know.
Belize. This is fun! It’s a good “lesser-known Batman villainess” kind of look. Like if Ivy and Catwoman co-mentored someone. The actual theme is “the world’s only jaguar reserve, which is in Belize,” but I think it’s also kind of implying that she might be a were-jaguar. Which, again, is fun!
Bhutan. This goes in the “just an actual regional/folk costume” category, which is also kind of like voting Present, but it looks like the fabrics are nice.
Bolivia. She has an entire Andean condor on her head so I’m already on board. This photo only shows the cloak, which is covered in silver spangles in honor of Bolivia’s silver mines, and is also why her condor is perched on a miner’s helmet. The dress underneath is entirely made of swags of sparkly gold beads, so the visual effect is actually pretty nice in motion.
Brazil. The construction details on this are actually quite lovely! Lots of intricate beading and rhinestone work. Unfortunately that doesn’t convey well at any distance, and also that white fin peplum thing flaps around really awkwardly when she walks. Oh, wait, she can flip it up to be a clamshell thing behind her head!
That looks much better.
British Virgin Islands. First giant flower of the year!
Bulgaria. Apparently this is made of neoprene? So with that and the rainbow stripes, the effect ends up being kind of “what if Midsommar, but at a rave.”
Cambodia. It feels weird to say “yep, standard Miss Universe warrior goddess costume” but basically that’s what this is. I do like the green-and-gold color palette, though.
Cameroon. “The baskets represent the nation’s agricultural movement.” Okay! I like how it’s giving “Valkyrie, but make it Global South,” though I’m not sure three entire country-shaped cutouts were necessary.
Canada. Another fine Miss Universe tradition: contestant who knows how to dance en pointe so she’s going to goddamn wear a costume that goes with pointe shoes, Or Else. Some nice beadwork! I would let her be the third, secret red swan in Swan Lake if that were a thing.
Cayman Islands. Sexy Blue Iguana is a fun concept! There’s a tail in back of the cape.
Chile. Sexy Atacama Desert is kind of abstract, as these things go, but I respect her choice to wear something she could walk in.
China. Hilariously, the announcer was like “This look... does not match the bio we were given, so I’m gonna wing it!” The fabrics are nice -- the satin drapes and moves well -- but the embellishments are kind of meh compared to some of the Miss China looks I’ve seen.
Colombia. This is a legit great Sexy Phoenix, but I need you all to know that her crown got turned a little sideways while she walked to the stage and she clearly knew it and just as clearly could do nothing about it, and I feel bad for laughing but it was funny.
Costa Rica. Sexy hummingbird! I think I’ve identified a recurring theme for this year. Corset and wings are made of recycled materials, which is nice, and they look well-made -- a lot of wing-based costumes tend to flop around or go crooked in motion, but not these.
Croatia. Oh, honey. This has big “my mom helped me make this the night before it was due” energy, unfortunately.
Curacao. “Meet the Fisherman’s Wife, a woman with a key role in Curacao’s fishing industry.” Okay? Honestly you could have left off the basket and said “this costume represents the beautiful marine life of Curacao” and I would have been like “yep, checks out” but now I have many follow-up questions.
Czech Republic. This is meant to be a Mucha-inspired look but uh. Mostly it’s just. beige. I’m starting to feel like all the other Slavic countries saw advance photos of Miss Ukraine and were like “let’s just phone it in this year, girls, there’s no point.”
Dominican Republic. “This costume recognizes the importance of birds in Dominican culture.” They did make it with silk feathers, which I appreciate, because it would have been very weird to use real ones with that mission statement. Also I like her headdress, and the giant feather fans are a good way to nod in the direction of wings without the hassle of actually wearing wings.
Ecuador. This looks good in motion! She did some dancing onstage that worked well, and there’s a great sculpted Inca head scowling on the back of her headdress. This is still only a few notches above voting Present, though.
El Salvador. “History of Currency,” which is definitely a concept! The Bitcoin wizard staff is sure something.
Equatorial Guinea. A perfectly nice entry in the “actual regional costume” category, but on the video I was like “oh, yikes, her headdress is really wobbly” and then it FELL OFF and I felt so bad for her.
Finland. “Spirit of the Forest”? Fuck off, that’s a prom dress. Boo.
I’m going to pause here so this readmore doesn’t get completely out of control. Shit, there are 50 more of these? Well, I have only myself to blame.
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Couple years ago I fell in with this weird art crowd. It wasn't entirely my fault, but rather my rip-roaring need to be loved and the fact that none of them had paid enough attention in math class to count how many more Zima I was sneaking from the gallery openings than I was formally allocated.
One of the big names was Teoric (not a typo, but we assumed it must originally have been one.) I fucking hated him and his holier-than-thou attitude. His thing was genocide. Not committing it, though I'm sure he would have been open to doing so, but documenting it in his art. Cruise control for shocking the common gallery-viewers. He wasn't even polite about it. Interpretive Dance Anne said that she had dibs on the Armenian Genocide, and Teoric swooped right in there with a mixed media collage moistened with his own tears.
Remember, I wanted to be loved. Pretty much everyone was done with his non-stop antics. So I volunteered to smooth things over. Teoric live-work-lived in a disused furniture factory that had been converted into artist lofts. They didn't believe in locks, and conveniently for me, I didn't believe in them either. I went over to Teoric's office, and sat down in a chair next to his working area. He immediately exploded with rage.
"You fucking bourgeois simpleton," he shrieked. "That is not a chair - that is a transformation of Ikea commodity furniture to honour the victims of Hrothgar the Terrible's mass execution in 673!"
At once, I saw an opportunity here. "You know, Teo" - he hated being called that - "a lot of new genocides happen every day. You could be the first artist to document them in history."
As I watched his plane depart from the pre-9/11 departures lounge (more ashtrays than now,) I had one thought on my mind. Well, two. I didn't know where Tajikistan actually was, and I hope whoever's credit card that was got some good karma for their contributions to local art.
When I got back, Interpretive Dance Anne had already moved into the now-vacant studio. She was overjoyed that I had managed to remove the thorn in her side, and offered to put a good word in for me with Obvious Dance Anne. I felt cheap. What had I done? My guilt grew until one evening, at the Ford dealership that a guerrilla art collective had seized and was now displaying portraits of the owners' family's last moments, I saw Teoric again. Just for an instant, but it was undeniably him. I rose from my chair, scattering the gaggle of local theatre journalists I had been holding court to, and pursued.
My flabby, booze-soaked legs could not catch him that evening, sliding on the rain-slicked dealership lot. The last I saw of Teoric was him climbing into a Chevy HHR and peeling out across the parking lot. Mixed-Media Ernie had seen me run out, and came to put a reassuring hand on my shoulder, assuming that I was about to vomit for a different reason.
"Oh yeah," Ernie said, as I explained the entire situation to him, "he sold out and started working for General Motors. Designs all their cars now."
The SSR too? "Yeah." He had found his muse in war crimes yet again.
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On the evasive Basque accent
We all know by now that the legend saying Basque is almost an impossible language to learn is nothing but Basquephobic propaganda. Euskara, just like any other language, may have tricky parts but all languages can be learnt.
One of the silent, trickiest sides of Basque though is its accent and intonation. It flows naturally for Basque people - even the ones that grew up speaking only in Spanish and then learn Basque - but is pretty tough to understand for students from outside EH.
Most languages have a single dominant syllabe and fixed rules for stress but this does not happen in Basque. Linguist Antonio Tovar figured this out already in the 50s: "The Indo-European and Semitic idea that every word has an accent does not seem to apply to Basque."
In fact, Basque accent looks quite different from Indo-European and Semitic languages. According to the Hyman classification, these are the locations of stress:
[+1] dominant inital stress (~114 of the studied languages) or prototone, include Chechen, Gegorgian, Czech, Latvian, Serbo-Croatian, Irish, German, Dutch, Suomi, Estonian or Hungarian.
[-1] dominant final stress (97 of the studied languages) or oxitone, include Armenian, Kurdish, Farsi, French, Hebrew or Ainu.
[-2] dominant penultimate stress (77 of the studied languages) or paroxitone, include Quechua, Aimara, Breton, Polish, Romanian, Protuguese or Spanish.
[+2] second syllabe dominant stress (12 of the studied languages) include Dakota, Tsakhur or Mongolian. Following Basque linguist Koldo Mitxelena's theories, Basque belongs to this group, the only European language!
For example:
Beriain = be-riAin, while Spanish-speaking students tend to say be-ria-In.
debekatuta = de-bE-katu-tA, while Spanish-speaking students tend to read de-be-ka-TU-ta.
aireportua = ai-rE-por-tu-A, and not ai-re-por-TU-a.
zitzaidalako = zi-tzAI-dalako, and not zi-tzai-da-lA-ko.
Although debatable, many linguists agree that even though phonology changes over time, in words of linguist Steve Peter "there is no, at present, any theory of accentual change in the way there's a theory of phonological change". Accent may be even a part of an ancient substrate, like linguist Navarro Tomás wrote: "On my side I noticed the possibility of assuming the same kinship among the most peculiar characteristics of Aragonese and Basque intonation."
Linguist Álvarez Enparantza "Txillardegi" thought that if ancient Basque followed the stressed and non-stressed syllabe pattern our vowel system would be different, and that this very simple vowel system is better explained assuming that ancient Basque was a tonal language. This theory may also explain the dancing accent - and even double-accented words - of Euskara.
*From Lingua Navarrorum by Txillardegi.
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Being bullied for knowing another language is a real thing. Think of all the animosity people feel towards the Bachelor for saying, what, 3-4 phrases in Latin.
Storytime.
Every Russian feminist remembers how Nixelpixel was bullied and I presume is still being bullied. It really was Russian gamer gate and Nixelpixel is Russian Anita Sarkeesian. Both were tormented for being feminists, that's the base of it. But Anita was also a target of antisemitism and anti Armenian rhetoric. Nixelpixel is a skinny white Russian, very little to add on top. So she was bullied for speaking English.
She is bilingual and as many of us bilinguals do, she mixed languages in her speech in the way that I do and feels natural to me and all my friends.
The Russian Internet was not having it, not even a little bit. Unanimous consensus was that she is doing it only to appear smarter.
For English speaking people in the first world it maybe hard to comprehend. English is just the default language. But remember how conservatives react when some nonbinary teenager makes a video about cultural appropriation or any other academic topic and suddenly they all feel like they don't know certain words?! And they have to google words to understand someone's complex speech?! This is unheard of! And what right does this "beneath me in social hierarchy" have to know something that I don't?!! Outrageous!
The core of this emotion is envy. Knowing English good enough so you become legitimately bilingual is a privilege in Russia. Knowing a lot of stuff about society and understanding complex topics is a privilege. You have time and money for education. Or you got lucky and had educated parents. Envy becomes even more venomous when the person you envy is supposed to be beneath you.
Like, I don't really get it. But that's how I make sense of other people hating me all my life for being... eloquent. As if they anticipate me being hostile because they are less eloquent than me and attack me preventively.
This is made worse by me being autistic and forgetting all the time that you must make all humble song and dance around your every achievement so not to trigger neurotypical rage. I genuinely forget which words are too smart and which are fine. The idea that I'm trying to sound smarter on purpose is so laughable to me.
Returning to the Bachelor. He's a doctor, he studied at university. Do you hate him when he uses medical jargon? What's the deal with Latin then? They study Latin in med school. It is a mandatory course. For me this trait of his always meant to signify that he took his education very seriously and knows everything that he studied very well.
When people just assume that someone, a character or a person, does anything just to look smart I'm a little triggered. I know I'm not safe in that company.
And I know that all of it is incredibly whiny. Knowledge is a privilege, as I said. Dankovsky is a privileged man. I'm not blaming those who feel uncomfortable around learned people. I'm not blaming those who are not into such characters.
But Dankovsky is not gatekeeping knowledge though! He looks like a man who would nerd out about Latin to you, if you only asked. He gives his degree away for free! It's not the same as rich people hoarding wealth. He's eager to share his knowledge! But now he is a coloniser imposing his western ideas onto indigenous society.
Oh well, damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Maybe it's not envy then? Maybe they want a smart sounding person but the one who would agree with them all the time? Like, Peterson uses a lot of long words and they love him. Hm...
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