#anyway so they make you make friends to complete quests. so i used a reddit thread. i do not usually use reddit. i don't have an acct

[inkskinned]

it is all chaos and entropy. the thing is that the chaos and entropy make it beautiful and lovely.

yes, it's true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is terrifying. i have lived through some of the unfairness - i got born like this, with my body caving into itself, with this ironic love of dance when i sometimes can't stand up for longer than 15 minutes. i am a poet with hands that are slowly shutting down - i can't hold a pen some days. recently i found a dead bird on our front porch. she had no visible injuries. she had just died, the way things die sometimes.

it is also true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is wonderful. the sheer happenstance that makes rain turn into a rainbow. the impossible coincidence of finding your best friend. i have made so many mistakes and i have let myself down and i have harmed other people by accident. nature moves anyway. on the worst day of my life she delivers me an orange juice sunset, as if she is saying try again tomorrow.

how vast and unknowing the universe! how small we are! isn't that lovely. the universe has given us flowers and harp strings and the shape of clouds. how massive our lives are in comparison to a grasshopper. the world so bright, still undiscovered. even after 30 years of being on this earth, i learned about a new type of animal today: the dhole.

chance echoing in my life like a harmony between two people talking. do you think you and i, living in different worlds but connected through the internet - do you think we've ever seen the same butterfly? they migrate thousands of miles. it's possible, right?

how beautiful the ways we fill the vastness of space. i love that when large amounts of people are applauding in a room, they all start clapping at the same time. i love that the ocean reminds us of our mother's heartbeat. i love that out of all the colors, chlorophyll chose green. i love the coincidences. i love the places where science says i don't know, but it just happens.

"the universe doesn't care about you!" oh, i know. that's okay. i care about the universe. i will put my big stupid heart out into it and watch the universe feast on it. it is not painful. it is strange - the more love you pour into the unfeeling world, the more it feels the world loves you in return. i know it's confirmation bias. i think i'm okay if my proof of kindness is just my own body and my own spirit.

i buried the bird from our porch deep in the woods. that same day, an old friend reaches out to me and says i miss you. wherever you go, no matter how bad it gets - you try to do good.

#writeblr #warm up #i can't write rn but i have SO much words in here bc im reading the chorus of dragons books #(just started book 4) #and this woman's writing is just LIVING in my brain. let me out!!! #(i read roughly like 2-4 books a week usually bc i go on long walks with my dog but when a book is REALLY good like. it eats my life. ) #anyway ...... so like here's a story that idk i've tried to explain to other people as being wild #but maybe im the only one who thinks it is wild??? #so i play pokemon go (i just started in jan) bc i love pokemon and as i have mentioned i walk goblin for like an hour in the morning #and i don't like a lot of fitness trackers due to the fact it makes me .sad. but i also wanted the little digital rewards. enter pokemon go #anyway so they make you make friends to complete quests. so i used a reddit thread. i do not usually use reddit. i don't have an acct #i lurked. i just googled like ''pokemon go reddit '' and randomly added a bunch of numbers #i was on that page for all of 15 minutes. there are THOUSANDS of responses on that page. #here's what's wild: in that group of people. even though i am not on reddit and it was one random event once #it turns out one of those people lives in the town i live in. or at least very close. i only know this because #when we send each other gifts. it's from the same freaking area. #i can't ask them to meet up bc pokemon go doesn't have a messaging app lol but like . what are the fucking chances that #a random person posts in a random reddit thread and HAPPENS to get added by someone ELSE from their SAME TOWN #who by pure fucking CHANCE is ALSO playing pokemon go and looking for friends #i googled it there's only 42000 people in my broad region. the .......... smallness ! of the world!!!

[erixislost]

LAST UPDATED AUGUST 18TH 2023

SOCIALS, INTERESTS, DNI PAGE, TAGS ↓

I despise tumblor. I am here anyway. I was never on twitter or Reddit shut up.

hiiii hello I have nooo clue who i am and I'm just making my way through the interwebs once in a while saying something funny. he/him and she/her pronouns please. I love movies, Wes Anderson, TV shows, videogames, art, visually pleasing sketchbook pages, puppets, animals, snazzy words, cinematography and music!! you'll see more specific examples of these things as you make your way throughout my blog.

other socials!! (soery Tumblr 😧)

Pinterest here!!

honestly if you wanna know all fandoms I'm in just check here cuz you'll find them all, plus some extras I suppose but the Pinterest addiction is real

Letterboxd :]

I have a taste in movies for sure. I don't know if it's a good one. But I do think this is my funniest platform (and I do love Wes Anderson, have I said that already?)

and I don't think anyone uses TV Time but it's the easiest for me to understand so :P

I'll add my Spotify when I've fixed all my playlists *crais*, but believe it or not you can unlock my discord by completing the sweet sweet side quest of becoming my friend so look out for that!! 🤭

Some skinny pigs to make your day better :)

(I want one sooo bad)

bc this is Tumblr I apparently have to have some kind of DNI page so just don't be horrible plss?? okay good. That means no phobes of any kind, pro-lifers or racists, and I think everyone can get the rest. We respect all fandoms here unless it's a toxic one or if you yourself is a toxic fan. For example TMNT-cest will get banned immediately. Other than that I hope everyone feels safe and comfortable here!! We're not scared to be cringe on this page because what a dumb word really.

(I'll put links to my tags here when I've fixed them but tbh I really don't know how anyones read this far)

okay I think I've written enough so that people think im a serious Tumblrer now.... don't worry guys I'll Troy and Abed myself out..

(IM THE ONE IVE BEEN WAITING FOR)

#community #pinned #trobed #animals #misc

[beevean]

I'm gonna be very honest. Barok means a lot to me as a character, like on a deep personal level. I grew up in a very bigoted household, and general town, and internalized so much of their dogma that I'm still trying to unlearn all that bullshit even to this day. I know it's wrong and irrational, but when you live somewhere with people who try to ingrain that shit into you since the day you born? It's hard to unlearn.

That's why Barok means so much to me. He's a character with obviously irrational, that he knows are irrational btw fandom, and horrendous views (that the game wants to be uncomfortable about, it's not endorsing them people), but what does he do when presented all the evidence that he was wrong? He changes. He stops and starts making and effort not to say that shit anymore. He APOLOGIZES to the people he said that shit to. Multiple times! It's obvious from the way EVERY SINGLE BRITISH CHARACTER talks in this game that they're not glossing over the fact 18/1900s Britian is racist as fuck (even Sholmes had a line or two that could be read as a micro-aggression, SHOLMES).

I can also tell you exactly the progression of Barok's hatred because of how the society around him reinforced it because I have seen it happen before my very eyes in my home town. But unlike a lot of real like bigots who believe they're 100% right and refuse to change, Barok does. We can argue all day if his redemption is handled well or if his reaction makes sense, but let me tell y'all that from first hand experience bigotry NEVER makes sense. Never. And destroying that bigotry often comes from attacking the "reasons" or "logic" behind that bigotry. Barok perfectly makes sense to me.

I rarely ever see characters like Barok and given how the fandom treats him, refuses to acknowledge that yes he did stop and apologize at the end of DGS2, I can only wonder how people would treat me.

Thank you so much for sharing!

I agree completely with what you say about breaking free of bigoted views. It's hard to realize that your normality isn't normal at all, or even that it's harmful and you might have hurt people by doing things that you didn't even think they were wrong. That's why most bigots have a hard time changing, because admitting that you've been wrong for a long time is hard, and because societal pressure is stronger than we may give it credit for and we don't feel comfortable or even safe by standing out from the "normality".

As I always say, Barok's excuse for being a raging xenophobe is a bit weak for me if taken on its own. You don't wake up one day deciding to hate an entire group of people for one single reason. This is why I always propose that one of the major factors for his attitude was also the genuine racism that was prevalent in the British Empire at the time, the idea that British people were inherently superior and that it was their God-given purpose to enlighten those backwards foreigners. I bet that Barok, especially as a nobleman, was raised with this conviction as well, so when a Japanese man was revealed to be a serial killer, it was very easy for him to slip into the mentality of "of course he did all those atrocities, he was a Nipponese, that's how they are, they're savages anyway". After all, if he can assume all Japanese people are set to betray you, he would see past their façade and never be hurt again... right?

And then comes Ryuu, who Barok even admits had absolute integrity at his job, who showed himself to be so talented that Barok left his old friend in his hands, and who came to help him at his lowest point for no reason and without asking for anything in return. They do say that experience is the enemy of bigotry :)

(ngl I felt for him when he admits that he knows that his hatred is irrational, but he just can't help it - while I wish Ryuu had a stronger reaction to his racist remarks, that just screams "please I need a therapist")

And yes, what people seem to ignore is that he changes at the end. And while it's true that before Chronicles' release DGS2 was less popular than DGS1 due to a lack of a complete translation patch, I think they do it on purpose anyway? Usually the people who are so aggressive against "problematic" characters and the people who like them don't believe much in redemption and character development :\ it's one thing to say his "Nipponese" comments are annoying af, becase they are, but to act like that it's the extent of his characterization is a bold-faced lie. Sadly I see this behavior applied to real people as well, it's like they believe that you're either born bad or born good, instead of having control over your actions :\ but thankfully I haven't seen much hatred for Barok in these past few weeks, or at least way less than I was afraid of! And most of the people who complete GAA2 agree that he's an excellent character with compelling character development.

I also love Barok, and I think he's uniquely fleshed-out compared to other prosecutors: he's intimidating, he's hilarious, he's obnoxious, and under all of that there is a sad man who lead a lonely life surrounded by death, shunned by London to the point of not bearing his nickname, used like a pawn and lied to for the sake of "improving London", and without any outlet other than wine and irrational hatred towards people that remind him of the wound that never healed... but who still had the strength to admit to himself, eventually, "I was wrong this entire time". Sometimes you just have to welcome problematic characters in your heart <3

On a slightly related tangent, you reminded me of a comment I read on Reddit once, of a person who loved Nahyuta because they also were raised in a religious household and were a zealot in the past. It's fascinating how some characters can speak to us :)

I wish you all the best in your quest to unlearn bigotry and become the person you want to become <3

#ace attorney #the great ace attorney #dai gyakuten saiban #gaa2 spoilers #dgs2 spoilers #barok van zieks #long post #i just realized he has more in common with godot than i thought #great pain after losing a loved one? #irrationally hating someone? #hiding depression under outlandish court behavior and sarcastic quips? #being associated with bigotry? #drinking harmful substances in court? #being a base breaking character? #guys stop the presses we found barok's true descendant

[meggannn]

one thing that bugs me within HZD fandom—or at least in a lot of reddit threads and the occasional tumblr note—is how the discussion of Aloy as the chosen one because of the circumstances of her birth always gets reframed around [REDACTED] in a way that discredits Aloy.

I do love the “hero is a rando” stories as much as the next person, but what I like about HZD is that it sets up Aloy to be some incredible savior and then it turns out... well, she might do cool things, but she’s kind of a jerk, actually! and she has every right to not want to help most people when she’s been hurt and mistreated by them for all of her young life.

Aloy is a hero, yes, but not because of her birth, but because she chooses to be one. and it’s a hard choice for her, because her natural inclination is to help herself—which is an understandable trait now that she is old enough to try to give herself what she was denied for nearly twenty years—and I like that they keep stressing that.

now that we’re under the cut I’m gonna talk spoilers.

Aloy is a great fighter and impressive machine-hunter and she is very smart, but that’s not because she’s Elisabet’s clone, but because she had to develop those skills to survive. every part about her personality and skillset can really be attributed to a few key elements about her: being an outcast and shunned and judged for something out of her control, growing up in the wilds in a world full of dangerous machines, not being raised with any sense of family or friends or community, and her feelings of loneliness. everything about her personality and abilities has a tie back to one or several of those things, either as a way to explain them, or overcome them. those were things Aloy did because she chose to chase the mystery of her past, but her Elisabet genes didn’t do them for her.

so it really does bug me when people talk about it as if it’s Elisabet’s acumen that should be given credit when we talk about why Aloy is the hero of her own story. I think we are far enough as a culture that we can acknowledge nurture plays a much bigger role in someone’s personality than nature, even for clones. (and I think this is why the Lightkeeper Protocol was doomed to fail anyway.) I think GAIA, when awake, may eventually struggle with this initially, calling her Elisabet instead of Aloy because it’s Elisabet she misses and wants to see again, and she doesn’t know Aloy at all—but she is an AI, and can adapt quickly.

but why I think it bothers me so much is that this “she’s a natural hero” narrative goes against Rost’s last lesson that he teaches Aloy in the prologue. Aloy’s flaws are that she is selfish and often self-centered, and doesn’t rely a lot on others, often to the point of discrediting their abilities. she barges into the Hunters Lodge and demands Talanah take her on as a thrush based on her own assumption that she’s as good a hunter, if not better, than most of the people in the building. she says “I’m faster on my own” to Erend’s incredulity, implying others would just slow her down. they’re completely understandable foibles for someone who has been alone and shunned by the world her entire life and learned to survive because of it.

but Aloy isn’t strong or smart or brave because she was a clone of Elisabet. she could have walked away from seeking revenge against the Eclipse, and arguably, she might have even done it if she hadn’t had a personal interest in the matter: finding out who Elisabet was. Sylens even calls her out multiple times for her short-sightedness in focusing on “what happened to Elisabet?” instead of "what happened to the world?” (I think in ELEUTHIA-9 she says something like "This is interesting, but it's not why I'm here though" and Sylens says sarcastically "Right, what's the whole of human history compared to the origins of one girl?")

again: it’s completely understandable that the girl raised with no family is looking for, y’know, her family, but I think it’s also a pointed choice by the writers: Aloy doesn’t really feel like she belongs to a tribe, so she feels, in some sense, that she has nothing to lose by antagonizing and refusing help to anyone. what are they going to do, banish her? her one lifeline is Rost: it’s her love for him, and his last act of sacrifice for her, that propels her self-centered (though by no means wrong) desire of “I need to find where I came from” to “these people are killers who threaten what I believe in,” and “they will kill again, and even if they will hurt the people who hurt me, many of whom I still dislike, I must do my best to stop them.”

the biggest scene that shows her laser focus on her own interests to the extent of others’ is when Erend asks her for help tracking Ersa’s killer and she denies him without the player's input. I thought that was an interesting choice because the game is canonically telling us that Aloy will barge her way past allies to get what she wants, and she will not be nice about it. like, Erend, a man grieving, tries to get her to stop for two seconds to hear out his ask for help, and she says “Out of the way” and “That’s your war, not mine.” Normally games might give you a choice to say yes or no to helping an ally, even if the game will eventually force you help them to progress the story; but the writers made a choice to show her denying a friend help, just after he helped her. It shows she’s still at the point in her journey where she sees others either as allies to help her or as foes in her way, and she might help allies if she makes time for it on her own (side quests), but when she's impatient and picks up the scent of her prey, she’s willing to ignore others’ needs.

it’s honestly debatable if she would have even cared so much about seeking revenge against the Eclipse if Helis hadn’t killed Rost: certainly she may have been interested in seeing them punished for their ambush against a bunch of Nora teenagers, but she mentions Rost the most consistently when she talks about tracking down Helis, not even Vala or the other Braves (RIP). even to Sylens, who didn’t know any of them, she says “You [didn’t say you knew the man] who killed my... who almost killed me.” (also, sob forever that Aloy still can’t call him her dad even after he’s dead, only “the man who raised her.” Rost really did not teach her to ever call him “Dad.” it’s no wonder why she was so focused on finding at least one parent, a mother, who is centered throughout Nora culture.) but the Nora ambush, while a factor, is still kind of... a side thing. she is most interested in their connection to this mysterious woman-who-might-be-her-mother, and the mystery of why they tried to kill her. people just assume that she is after them out of vengeance for the Nora, and she does not correct them as she uses her Seeker title to explore her own interests.

and speaking of Sylens, I think they are great foils for each other just for this reason: Aloy immediately senses there’s something she doesn’t like about him from basically the moment he makes contact. he’s prickly, arrogant, impatient, unsympathetic, and hates to play nice or work as a team. but like... are they really all that different? I think that Aloy sees Sylens in her future if she doesn’t learn to get along with people. like Aloy, Sylens is definitely rude to you, but I hope you realize you, too, are also pretty rude to others as well! (though you could argue this is a game mechanic so she can ask the questions that the player might be wondering.)

this is not all to say that she’s dispassionate or uncaring, or that her mission isn’t sympathetic or understandable. she helps people out, but her goal driving the story, her True North in a way, is really her own interest to find out who she is and where she came from. one of the significant moments she grows in this regard is when she comes out of ELEUTHIA-9 and decides to fight for the Nora, and for the entire world. she just discovered the truth of her birth isn't what she wanted, and she even thinks afterwards that she’s “not a person, just an instrument.” she’s devastated. what on earth does it mean, that she’s a “recreation” of Elisabet? they don’t have words for “clone” in her world—she thinks it means she’s literally not a human being. she doesn’t want a grand destiny to save the world, she just wants to find her mother and have that sense of belonging she was denied for so long, and she didn’t find that—turns out, she never had that. and now she’s being expected to take on this huge burden about restoring GAIA and fighting subfunctions that she doesn’t understand. both of her “mothers" are dead and there are a bunch of people waiting outside the bunker for her to tell them what their goddess is saying.

so when she walks out of that bunker and sees a bunch of scared, hopeful faces looking at her for answers, her decision to fight HADES—not just on behalf of GAIA but on behalf of the Nora and Carja and Oseram and all others—is her accepting that even though she isn’t what she thought and didn’t get what she wanted, she needs to help others because she is a still part of this world and can make a difference. that’s what makes her heroic. her hero-worship of Elisabet is understandable, but it’s not what’s going to get her through the next challenges in her life—only her own growth and commitment to doing good will do that.

when she tells Rost “if I’m going to fight for something, it’s going to be something I believe in,” I think that was her saying “I’ll fight for that something, but if I find it, I think I’ll end up finding it on my own, and it won’t be with the Nora.” at that time in her journey, she was running the Proving to get something for herself, not to serve the Nora, which she would have been expected to do normally if she had successfully completed it. but she does find something to believe in, and it is with the Nora, both physically in the mountain, and in the spirit of any community: it’s not Elisabet herself, like she thought, but it is what Elisabet stood for, and died for. she may not fully understand what GAIA or the subfunctions are yet, but she knows that their survival and mutual cooperation are necessary for the betterment of people now and civilizations everywhere. she isn’t really fighting for Elisabet or the Old Ones, or I don’t think so, at least—I think it is a factor to do all of this in Elisabet’s memory, in some way, but mostly I think she’s fighting for people alive today. it’s the same conclusion Elisabet came to: the Old Ones are doomed, but people of the future might still have a chance, and that chance is worth her dedication.

but how how a lonely girl ends up fighting to save the world when she barely understands it or the people in it, is an interesting challenge. for this reason I also expect to see her faults in full display in the sequels. Aloy’s tactlessness is a big flaw of hers when it comes to her dismissiveness and occasional derision toward any religion/cultural traditions she doesn’t understand or value. she works through this in some way over the course of the story, like when she decides to spare the Nora the truth of their goddess with an easy lie after leaving ELEUTHIA-9, but particularly in the DLC (which can take place at any point in the story), she challenges a werak to become the chieftan of a tribe she knows very little about, just to get something for herself: she wants to further her goal of investigating AI. I expect this trait of hers will be something we see more of in future games, her barging into a community she doesn’t know anything about and telling them how to do things for their own good. (I call it the “Solas Problem” from Dragon Age Inquisition.) she might be right most of the time, but she also needs to learn how to talk to the people she’s trying to save, and learn how to save them without changing who they are.

#horizon zero dawn #horizon stuff #aloy

[jace-the-writer-guy]

A dream game of mine

These are the ideas I often come up with for a dream game, and it just combines so many elements from different things I've played or watched videos of into one huge and crazy thing that would be amazing to see and play. It's pretty much a pipe dream in this lifetime of mine but I can't help but imagine it. So without anymore stalling, here's all my ramblings about it.

I would just really love a game like Skyrim is, but just... more. Like Skyrim has a bunch of the adventure/exploration elements I love in a game, but I didn't think it had enough diversity in scenery and it all felt cold because of the part of the world it was set in.

I would love a game that was like Elder Scrolls Online in size with all the different provinces you can go to with all that land to explore between the snowy areas, desert areas, and forest/jungle areas and all the settlements that would be scattered throughout. And all the scenery in that game was beautiful to me. And along with that, add the crafting/blacksmithing stuff from ESO too, because that was the main thing I did when I played the game. I created everything I used from different swords and armor.

And speaking of swords and armor, I'd love the game to have what ESO does, which was have there be different styles of weapons and armor you can craft after you read the plans or whatever for it. Like a steel sword can be one style, or you can craft it in another style but it would have the same stats, just a different look. Same with armor too. Or a greatsword could be more on the skinny side, or you could make it be a massive weapon like what the Buster Sword is.

Whatever weapons you favorite will be visible on your character and you can choose where you want something specifically placed. For example, a Ranger could have their bow across their chest and back and their quiver of arrows at their back either behind either shoulder or at their waist, or on their thigh while they have a dagger on one hip and a sword on the other. You can't have too many weapons on your body though. There would be a weapon wheel you can bring up that lets you choose between what weapons you have favorited.

The weapons and armor would be highly customizable too. Like with armor, you could mix and match different pieces or furs to make something unique to you, and for weapons you could add different accessories to them like jeweled hilts or carved bow shafts.

As for the exploration, I think it would be a phenomenal thing to focus on in a fantasy game. With so many environments like what I mentioned above with forests to snowy areas, there can be some absolute magic to be discovered like beautiful lakes or ponds, or something like my Heaven's Clearing area I created in my RWBY AU. Mountainous areas with waterfalls cascading down the rocks? Giant trees in a gorgeously lush forest with a treehouse village? A snowy village deep within the mountains? An ancient and run down fortress in a canyon with only one small valley to access it? Sprawling cave systems in the mountains? Tropical beaches? A beautiful oasis hidden in the middle of a vast desert? Explore and you can find stuff like this and more.

Examples of the sights you could see. I don't know the artists sadly. I found these all on Reddit at r/imaginarylandscapes)

And if and when you find this stuff? Build there if you want! It could be like Fallout 76 with the C.A.M.P. thing, but you have such an extreme amount of freedom to build kind of like in Minecraft, and have the building be like a mix between Minecraft, 7 Days to Die, and Ark. Build what you want from a nice, cozy little cabin in the woods, or a big estate on the mountainside with the waterfalls going under the house. Make it as big and as grand, or as small and as cozy as you want it to be with loads of decoration stuff you can build, and with different variations to the decorations. Different styles of beds, candles, wardrobes, chests, doors, windows, whatever. Just give unmatched variety. And of course for all of them, you would have to go out and find the materials, like for a simple cabin you would have to go out and either buy the lumber, or cut it down yourself. Or if you want to just dig into the side of a hill or mountain and mold your home from there, you absolutely can, given you have the equipment to dig it all out. Or you could just be a nomad and camp around anywhere you wanted while you travel and not be held down to one place.

Character customization would let you be able to make the character you want for a fantasy game like this is in my imagination. Loads of different hairstyles, body types, eye/hair/skin colors, customize your height to be the size of a Goliath (in D&D) or a gnome and so on. Pick from a variety of races from human, different races of elves, dwarves, halflings gnomes, goliaths, orcs and tabaxis', mix races, and more. And in game, you can really pick any type of clothing/armor style you want from even more choices. And along with that, you can of course pick different classes for your character to be from a fighter/warrior, to a ranger, to a magic user, to a bard, or whatever. You pick your skills from a huge list of stuff for each class and you go around and do what you want to do as that character. And like with Dragon's Dogma (one of my favorite games), you can change your class instead of being tied into one class at really any point in the game that you felt like. And you can multiclass too and combine any two classes you want to try.

Magic in the game would be more... magical. Like you start out with basic spells if you're one of the magic using classes with sorcerers getting a bit more, but it all starts out as just looking very dull. And when you train and level up your magical abilities and find new spells out of the huge selection of them in the game, the magic gets more and more bright, vivid, colorful, vibrant, and flashy too so you can actually see the results of all the levels you poured into your magic.

It wouldn't just be exploration though, considering weapons, armor, and magic would be in the game. There would be so many different jobs and ways to make gold to choose from, and there would be multiple long running quests you could accept that would be like something from D&D. And a thing for that is that the game can either be single player and you can pick a party of NPCs to join you through your adventures, or you could switch it over to multiplayer and invite a few of your friends in to explore the world together or do these quests and split the rewards from both the journey itself and the reward for completing the quests. The questscan have different styles, like serious ones and some where there can be some fun, like a Borderlands mission.

And as something in between these quests, you could have different jobs you can choose from like I mentioned. You can start your own mine or lumber yard to sell ores, precious gems, or wood to anyone (NPC or player) that wants/needs it. You can do guard duty for someone, you could scout an area out for any dangers for someone wanting to build a house or for military, or chart out unknown parts of the world and draw a map of it (provided you take a cartography skill) and sell them to people. You could even just be a simple hunter and hunt game to provide meat and pelts for yourself and for trade. Or be a bard and make some music between more somber songs or uplifting ones, or ones where you just tell the tales of events that have happened in the game. And for that, the game would have a huge score of music. And there would be bounty hunting quests as well, and sometimes they can lead into something more.

You have the choice between if you want to be a combat focused character or a trader/craftsman focused character or something along those lines. In single player, you could hire an NPC bodyguard and they would be extremely competent (unlike the referees in WWE games :p) in battles in order to protect you. Or in multiplayer, your friends could provide your protection while you create trade routes or gather materials, or explore the world for treasures. And it could be the other way around with you being the bodyguard and your friend being the one you're protecting too.

Choose your own backstory from a huge list of options. You could have a backstory as a simple farmer, a guard, a soldier, a trader, a blacksmith, a mercenary, or a craftsman to name a few. Each backstory comes with a specific set of gear depending on the backstory and an area of the world you start out with and in. Like a mercenary would start with light armor and a battle axe, having just completed a job in the colder regions so you would have fur cloaks and armor or you could have just completed a job in a more tropical spot of the world.

And romance too! You could have your character romance any NPC in the game no matter if they're male or female, unless they're already married. Or if you want to do a bit more, romance them both! Start a family with them, and hire bodyguards to protect them while you're out adventuring, if your spouse doesn't have any combat skills of course. Or hire bodyguards anyway to secure your childrens' safety.

See a dog you want to adopt? Adopt it! Same with cats or any other animal you might see up for adoption or for sale from somewhere. Each province have different kinds of pets you can get, so traveling the world for your perfect hunting/travel buddy or housemate may be something to do. And you can name your pet too. Or you could even capture and tame a wolf or tiger or something in the wild too if you wanted. Also, you can pet your pets. Give them attention!

For travel, you could either carry the bare essentials on your character and just walk either alone or with a companion by your side, or you could save your gold for a horse or go tame a wild one to ride through the world. And on top of that, you can buy different types of wagons to carry all the things you need to set up a larger camp for yourself or for your companions. Larger wagons mean the need for an extra horse. And you can also buy or craft accessories for your horse and wagons, like different saddles or canopies respectively.

And also for travel across the seas, you can either pay for passage on a ship or save up gold to buy your own and hire your own crew to go on voyages. Along with that, one thing you could do is become a pirate if you chose to in case you didn't want to just spend your days on land, or become a trade vessel to transport goods from place to place, or you could even just have it become a passenger ship and take gold to take people across the sea. Search for buried treasure and pillage other ships as a pirate, or discover an island to claim for yourself and your friends.

One thing that would be in the game would be hunting, from small game all the way up to dragons. The hunting is something I enjoy so much in Red Dead Online that I would love to see it in a game like this with so many animals and creatures. Of course there would be stuff like boars, deer, bears, and animals like that but there would also be fantasy creatures to try to hunt, and the biggest, baddest, most difficult, and most rewarding would be dragons if you chose to hunt them. But you could just stick to hunting normal animals too, because that can be very rewarding in its own way like with what I said before about hunting. And of course, you could go fishing at one of the many rivers, streams, ponds, or lakes in the game too.

There would be two separate modes you could do between a more casual experience or something more hardcore. The casual mode would be that you don't have to worry about eating, drinking, sleeping, or worrying about temperature to survive while the survival mode would include all those things, plus the need to watch out for poisons, venom, or diseases or anything like that so players can enjoy the game how they want to enjoy it.

One thing about the game is that there is single player and multiplayer of course, but the multiplayer would have private servers and public ones for if you only wanted to play with friends, or if you wanted to take it online and interact with a bunch of other players. And on top of that, there would be separate servers for players who only want to have a peaceful time with other players where they can't attack each other at all, and servers where PvP is fully on for the players that want the danger of dealing with other players that want to take them out so there aren't those types of people in the same servers. Choose your server, choose your experience.

Another thing that would be a part of the game is full, unrestricted mod support. Create mods for the game to craft it into something truly special either with different weapons, armors, spells, quests, races, or anything. Download any mod you want at your discretion, no matter what it is. And the mod support would span all platforms the game is on with absolutely no restrictions regardless of platform or the content of the mods.

To make the game even more special, you can create a new character at any time you want, and your previous character will still be wondering the world while you're starting anew. And if you end up finding your other character, you can form a team with them and easily switch back and forth between the two. That would make it possible to create your own adventuring party rather than hire NPCs or relying on your friends. Or, you can just have your characters be completely separate. And if you wanted to, you could possibly romance your own characters if you can't find the right NPC in the huge world.

The hud would be something very simple, with a health and energy/mana meter, a mini map, and radar. Each thing here can be toggled on or off so you could just have your health and energy/mana showing while turning off the radar and map, or you could have it all be turned off to have nothing on your screen for a more immersive experience. You can switch between third and first person to increase that even more.

Basically what I want is some huge fantasy exploration/adventure/action/RPG, something so huge with so many things to do that it has such an immense amount of playability and replayability. Something set in an hugely detailed and gorgeous world with multiple large provinces/climates/biomes. It would take an insane amount of time to try to explore every little part of the world, along with completing all the quests. And there would never really be a shortage of quests because they would keep being added every once in a while to the game through free updates, along with the ones added through mods.

That's all I have to share about this huge, crazy, borderline impossible dream game of mine right now. I might add more to it if/when I think of more. I hope you all enjoyed the read if you decided to read it. I'd love to hear what you guys think, and I'd love to hear your own ideas if you have them.

#personal #video games #ideas #ramblings #dreams #game idea #dream game

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

Been contemplating the idea that Troy's tattoos are actually bad(tm) and the reason they're missing on Promethea is bc the twins have obtained Lilith's powers so red and blue canceled out or some shit.

Also, a bit more general, I know Tyreen appears to be the one using the powers bc Troy's lack of tattoos on Promethea, but it would make more sense if he was the one with them and either they canceled out his red tattoos or they edited his ECHO pic or something. 

There is a weird bit of dialogue when Tyreen welcomes you to Promethea and asks you to thank Lilith for her powers, it's almost like they cut dialogue (either more from Tyreen or a line or two from Troy) to edit something out. You can see where her ECHO link drops out and her icon disappears for a few seconds after she greets us (like, the amount of time between "Buttstallion! Cmere girl!" and "Buttstallion says hello") then it reappears so she can keep talking. Usually they would have kept the link up until she was done or until someone else interjected... 

At least that's what I remember from my time playing the shit outta bl2. If it is the case that they cut dialogue, then it's possible Troy has a line or two there about teleporting the bandits in or something. (Also I wonder if the twins could split up the Phasewalking and the Teleporting aspects of Lily's powers or if they're permanently intertwined)

And, I will say, since we're talking about Promethea, the fact that Sanctuary III has Promethean Citizens on board when we supposedly haven't gone before in-game is pummeling my soft idiot brain. What sorta explanation can I give in canon that doesn't involve Sanctuary III already being in-flight while we're still on Pandora? (Because oh man did reddit yell at me about that theory lmao). If that's the case, I imagine either the ship will land somewhere very open and we can board or we'll have a smaller shuttle we can use to get up to it and the Crimson Raiders have already been to Promethea (unlikely due to Rhys's comment when he finds out we're with the Crimson Raiders). Unless we go to Promethea before the Hostile Merger quest, but that doesn't seem to fit the quest log... Hidden quest maybe?

More realistically, I think the Sanctuary III we saw takes place over the Monastery planet. Not only do we see a Maliwan box just floating around for seemingly no reason, but Maya is there, and it looks as though her introduction takes place on that planet. It would make sense then in the timeline, because then we would have visited Promethea already. Then they wouldnt have to edit in Maya just for the presentation. Also Moxxi is around and I swear we're gonna have a quest to recruit (at least) her because you can see she has a bar named Moxxxi's (I'm hoping we're gonna have to find everyone).

Also, it is possible Lilith had actually gotten her tattoos back somehow at that point in the story and it wasn't them swapping in models. My friend thinks her powers will slowly regenerate over time and tbh I can see it. Tyreen absorbs life forces and you can heal back up over time (so long as she doesn't kill you by doing it), so why not regenerate ur Siren powers, too? My only argument against this is that it looks as though Ty is holding like an orb looking thing, which personally makes me think she took alllll the Siren powers outta Lily cause her succ seems to make tendrils of life force, not orbs, but I suppose we will have to wait and see.

Lilith even has a line that says "Made it in one piece, that's a first" when traveling to Promethea during the demo. It's possible our (actual) first visit damages Sanctuary III somehow- maybe there's a quest where we gotta fix it before we leave Promethea (or maybe we're stuck on Promethea for a bit until they can fix the ship and thus giving us an excuse to stay on the planet to complete the main story).

Anyway. Bed time.

...

Probably.

#borderlands #bl3 #borderlands 3 #the calypso twins

[pwrestlingxpress]

Reddit Article about Golden☆Lovers History

Found this interesting column by WrestlingisJay on reddit.com about Kenny Omega and Kota Ibushi’s history in which I felt compelled to share it here on the Pro Wrestling Express.  You can click here for comments on the article and if you a member, log in and make your own comment.  Anyway here is what WrestlingisJay had to say about the reunion of the Golden☆Lovers that occurred back on January 28, 2018 at New Beginning in Sapporo Night Two and remember, I take no credit in this.  The credit for this should go to WrestlingisJay on reddit:

Hello, I’m u/WrestlingIsJay! You may remember me from such walls of text as this post or this other post. Today I’m here to invite you to come with me on a journey… a Golden☆ journey! A lot of stuff has already been written on the greatest relationship in pro-wrestling, and I always make sure to send people looking for a quick fill-in to this excellent post from a while ago or this more recent Uproxx article, but what I really wanted to do was to create a place to also include all those little details and bump on the road that obviously often get overlooked for the sake of brevity in those kind of summaries but that I really think make up the soul of this amazing story. All the Small Things, basically (thank you Tom DeLonge). I’ll try my best and I hope people will come up with all those other things I’ll probably leave out in the comments, so to make this more and more complete. Let’s start, shall we?

2008-2012: Beginnings.

I guess pretty much everyone knows how it started at this point, so I’ll be quick: Kenny has a unique vision for pro-wrestling that sets him apart from most of his north American colleagues, finds a clip of Kota Ibushi having DDT-style matches on YouTube and immediately thinks that this guy from across the Ocean must thinks the same way he does, so he sets on a quest to face him no matter the odds. He films himself doing a crazy DDT-styled “Anywhere match to appease to them, cuts a promo on Ibushi and manages to get himself to become the one and only gaijin in DDT for quite a while. They have the match (DDT Universe link, it’s 9$ a month, first month is free), and it’s a rough sketch of everything Omega and Ibushi have in store for pro-wrestling: a perfect blend in of comedy, crazy high spots, unique storytelling and unparalleled athleticism. It ends up winning a MOTY trophy earning Omega his stay… the rest, as they say, is history.

I think one of the best “Small Things” about this is the way Kenny Omega retells it during his appearance on “Japanophiles”, a TV Show about foreigners living in Japan which dedicated an episode to him, in a somewhat-shoot interview he did while he was still in DDT (timestamped link) which really drives home how much of real life anime characters these two are: “I felt that my destiny, if there is such a thing, was to come out here and fight Kota Ibushi”.

He will later say that his first match with Ibushi was also the first time he cried after a match during a 2016 NJPW interview but let’s not get too ahead of ourselves here. They have the match and clearly immediately develop a strong friendship as early pictures and statements from Michael Nakazawa, a huge friend of both and basically the third unofficial member of their team (kind like a proto-Elite), attests. (shout out to @archaicbro by the way, who put together a most useful Twitter-sized recollections of their story). They join forces instead of facing each other again, as DDT originally had planned, and hit one homerun after the other: they even get a MOTY in New Japan in 2010 which, as Kenny recalled in the Edge & Christian Podcast, it’s something Jr. Tag Teams just “don’t do”. Their shenanigans both inside and outside the ring really depicts one hell of a great time for both of them, and Japan loves them as well.

Their peak probably comes in 2012 when, as many will already know, they main evented DDT’s most important show of the year, Peter Pan at the Nippon Budokan arena in Tokyo. There the “sketch” that was their first match together gets refined and they put up one of the greatest matches of all time (here’s another DDT Universe link) battling over the KO-D Openweight Championship, DDT’s top singles belt. One very interesting note: Kota Ibushi wins the match after having kicked out at 2 from a One Winged Angel in the center of the ring, the only wrestler to ever having done so without interferences or rope breaks.

At this point, life couldn’t be better for them, as Kenny himself will say to Meltzer in an interview in 2017 that he felt his career had peaked at that point, having gone all out at such a legendary arena, within a company he helped grow, with Ibushi. Despite that though, unfortunately trouble was brewing not so far on the horizon…

2014-2017: Paradise Lost?

2014 comes, and with it the biggest turn in Kenny Omega’s career arrives. He signs a contract of exclusivity with New Japan Pro-Wrestling and decides to stay a Jr. Heavyweight for the time being: with Kota already a Heavyweight in New Japan, this effectively breaks up their team and sends them separate ways. After an emotional (and pretty crazy) farewell match (rutube link as I couldn’t seem to find the match on DDT Universe), Kenny’s conference with NJPW is unusually cold when he talks about the fact that he will stay separated from Ibushi going forward: whether something happened behind the scenes or Kenny’s just preparing to become the evil Cleaner, we may never know, but the Golden☆Lovers are no more.

This is where turbulent times start for Kenny, and this is where the “Small Things” really shine. You’d be hard pressed to find an interview without a shout out, a quick hint or a monologue of the Cleaner towards his former tag partner, and what it all adds up to is a compelling depiction of someone clearly dealing with a lot of unwanted thoughts in his head. Kenny’s constant wandering with his mind towards Ibushi is so powerful, so humane that the lines between reality and kayfabe gets very blurred, and it’s astounding.

The first big crack in the “wall” Kenny put up to forget about his past obviously comes at Invasion Attack 2015, when in a wonderfully put-together segment wanted by all three involved, Kenny finds himself between a rock and a hard place when he has to help AJ Styles retain his IWGP Heavyweight Championship against Kota. He doesn’t go all out in helping his Bullet Club brother, but the split second hesitation he causes in Ibushi is enough for AJ to turn his Phoenix Splash into a Styles Clash for the 1, 2, 3. After the match, Omega is definitely not thrilled about the outcome and his part in it. Some say this even started (in kayfabe) his path towards the inevitable takeover of the Bullet Club against AJ Styles: even when they just graze each other, Ibushi always has a huge impact on Kenny’s psyche and career.

They will stay apart for all of 2016, the true breakthrough year for the Cleaner, and this seem to weigh in deeply on Omega. After winning the G1, he states to having finally surpassed Kota, but he’s also clearly hurt at his disappearance at such a pivotal moment for him. He will start antagonizing him more and more, building up basically a feud with Kota’s shadow that will accompany him throughout all of 2016 and shape his interactions with him when Ibushi will finally return to New Japan later (as himself, although Kenny didn’t refrain from throwing shade at him with a couple of ironic comments on Twitter about Tiger Mask W’s performances being “a little green”). One important moment comes almost six months later, in March 2017, when TV Asahi hosts a ceremony to make a list of the greatest wrestlers in history and Kenny Omega, ranking #15, ends up standing in front of Kota who is amongst the judges. The look Kenny gives Kota here speaks for himself, but he also doubles down on Twitter, truly opening up for the first time in a while.

Keep in mind what he says here, as it’s one of the greatest details of this whole thing: Kenny clearly sees standing in the ring with Kota as the only way to truly be able to communicate with him after all this time. He doesn’t know how to tell him all the things he would like to, and he doesn’t even know if he would be able to, but he knows damn well how to wrestle, so that’s how he wants to speak to Ibushi – by fighting him. He will say this again later, and he will ultimately state as much after the reunion. But once again, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

WrestleKingdom 11 comes and goes, and Omega becomes the hottest topic in the world of pro-wrestling, but he doesn’t forget Ibushi, not even after his war with Okada: in an exclusive interview he states that the WK11 main event brought him to a ”magical [state of mind] where wrestling didn’t hurt”, something he only felt one other time in his career, ”when I was still in a tag team with… an old friend of mine”. Whatever happens, Ibushi is still there, always lingering in the back of his mind. This becomes evident when the rumors get more and more loud until yes, it’s revealed that Kota Ibushi will indeed be a part of the 27th edition of the G1. Kenny doesn’t hide his intentions: he will take part in the G1 because he wants, because he needs to be in the ring with Kota again. Maybe it’s because he really wants to prove himself he can surpass him, but mostly it’s because he’s aching for that chance to talk to his old friend in the only language he would be able to – that of professional wrestling.

Countless “Small Things” are littered among the interviews, tweets and shoot Q&As Kenny did around this time, but two of the most intense statements can be easily found on New Japan World. The first happens during a Skype interview Kenny did to promote the G1 USA Special. At the 22:53 mark, he gets asked about Kota being in the G1 and cuts a short, but awesome promo. I’ll transcribe here some of the best lines for those unwilling to click the link, as I believe it’s one of Omega’s best mic work I’ve ever heard:

“Look… Ibushi. Yeah, I’ll say his name, Ibushi. It’s been a while. I was waiting… I wondered what it would take. […] after I’ve won the G1 I thought for sure, you would come back to me. After I had the greatest match of all time at the Tokyo Dome, something you could never do, I thought you’d come back. What makes you come back now? What makes you want to challenge the G1 after everything we’ve been through. Is it something that you’re doing for yourself? Are you trying to challenge me? […] Questions that are running through my head. You know… I could always call you, I could always contact you, but I wouldn’t know what to say. […] Let’s do the talking in the ring. I want you to promise me… be a man of your word, promise me Ibushi, that you would make it to the finals. It’s the only way we can meet. Show me how much you’ve grown, and I’ll show you how much I’ve grown. You’re not the man anymore… I’m so much more than what you are now, and I can’t wait to show you the difference in that power.”

This is enough to make the situation look even more like a real-life anime rivalry than already is, but Omega wasn’t finished yet. During his appearance at a NJPW World’s one-hour show called Wonderland (it’s on their streaming service but the clip itself is free, so you can watch it without having to pay the monthly fee), where he was asked to go through all his adversaries for the upcoming G1, he stated multiple times that the only reason he was joining the tournament was Ibushi. In the end, around the 55:00 mark, he addresses Kota directly and cuts another gem:

”A-Block? There’s only one… there’s only one. […] There’s only one I want to beat, there’s only one I want to meet. And It’s you Ibushi. It’s a different world, and I saw your training video. You can’t just wake up one day and say, ‘I’m going to win the G1’! It isn’t that easy… but Ibushi, somewhere in there, I know you have it in you. [If it’s] really is your time, take it. Because I never stopped after you left. After you left me all alone, to fend for myself, I never stopped training, I never stopped sacrificing, I never stopped feeling the pain. I never ran away like you did. If you can make it to the final, that’s where I’ll be waiting. And then finally I’ll make you feel the pain Ibushi, and I’ll show you through my actions everything that I felt while you were away, after you threw me away.”

After these two pieces of work, hype was through the roof, but alas, Ibushi didn’t manage to reach the G1 Finals, and the Golden☆Lovers seemed destined to stay apart… for a little longer.

2017-2018: Reunion.

The finals arrived, and after them, the unexpected happened: a beaten Omega clad in gear that was an homage to his former partner met Ibushi backstage, even if the encounter lasted only for a few, seemingly misunderstood, seconds. A failed connection if there ever was one, for sure. But despise that, things kept moving and Kenny kept going there: in an interview with Kevin Kelly (another free one!) months later, when he was about to defend his IWGP US title against Juice Robinson, he reiterated that his only regret for the G1 Finals was the opponent. He wanted Ibushi, he needed to meet him in that ring, and that need was still there, clear as day. A need that would have been answered months later, in a truly unexpected fashion, amidst the snows of Sapporo.

…and here we are, at last, at the final reunion. At that single shocking moment, ten years in the making. With some unrequested help from the villainous Cody, Omega and Ibushi are standing face to face in the same ring again. It’s nothing like Kenny had thought, there are no wrestling moves involved, no fighting. It’s just his old friend, lending a helping hand, and for him it’s his whole world coming down hard. There’s no more feigning indignation, or hatred, or masquerading the pain of having been left alone. It’s all thrown in his face and the Cleaner’s metallic exterior gets shredded by the events. Underneath, the “real” Kenny resurfaces and after some hesitation, he gives in to a liberating hug. The Golden☆Lovers are back.

Again, click on the link (or here if confused) above to comment on this very interesting article from reddit by WrestlingisJay. 

#Kenny Omega #reddit #Kota Ibushi #Golden Lovers Reunion

[demoiselledefortune]

More of my dragon age playthrough!

Last game session was mostly all about Companions quests

I did open up the Western Approach to deal with the small Hawke segment there... and yeah I know see what you guys meant about Hawke being strongly anti blood magic in a weird way (given that some players' Hawke should be chill with it, blood mages themselves or strong supporters of Merril). It was too strong even for my Hawke who is mostly uneasy with it (but did support Merril overall and especially respected her approach by the end so she'd admit exceptions). Inquisition is really good at throwing very hateworthy minor villains at us, though?  Just getting that "what an absolute TWIT" reaction i mean? (which... not my favourite kind of villains but better than totally bland ones i guess) Otherwise I'm in the process of wrapping up the Exalted March (almost done) and also mostly completed Crestwood (which big plot part ended up the way I expected when I first started hearing about the tragic "accidental" death of the Blight refugees :(). OK for more interesting things: Solas asked me to help rescue a friend of his, who turned out to be spirit, who turned out to be a demon. Fairly interesting from a point of view of lore (how many of the demons that just spawn out endlessly in the games are in this sort of situation? Or is it a fairly rare case due to the mishandling of the mage and the binding?); and interesting to see Solas upset and angry to this point. (I feel the most spoilers I have on this game tend to revolve around Solas -- partly because of all the "fucking solas!" asides that can spawn in random discussions even when i try to avert my eyes... or even on reddit threads marked for DA2 spoilers that discuss Fenris vs Anders as potential love interest grrr -- and some of what he said in those tended to confirm the impression I'd gotten from the spoilers...). My character helped him with the spirit then stopped him from killing the merchants. Iron Bull had an alliance mission from the Qun for us. Gatt was a very interesting character to introduce and to interact with Iron Bull (Also taking Dorian with me gave me flashbacks to DA2 - down boys, down!). I got the impression that the Qun tried to entrap Iron Bull deliberately to force him into a loyalty test (and I tested what happens when you do let the Chargers die to see what happens and got the impression IB thought that too.) Anyway, my characters doesn't let members of the Inquisition die when she can avoid it. Great storytelling, and so far my favourite of the personal quests. Sera took us pranking. My character is very indulgent towards Sera as she sees her as something a little sister (my headcanon has her playing adoptive big sisters to a lot of kids, especially her Keepers' children at her clan and she's very used to that role), but also tends to figure out she knows what she's talking about when she makes recommendations (even though I think this one was more about being bored XD). Speaking of Sera, I forgot to say last times, but her Friends of Jenny are starting to really remind me of the Dollars in Durarara!! (but perhaps with a bit more of a mission statement despite still being very anarchic). Which is a funny comparison to make! Josephine asked for help in restoring her family's future which, at first my character wasn't super sympathetic with despite her high respect and fondness for Josephine -- because "but you're not really poor?" -- but got motivated quickly when she learned there'd already been some loss of life. She supported Josephine's slow and diplomatic ways of doing things (my character carries Sylaise's vallaslin, to give context to her respect for Josephine's ways of doing things, she views her as something of a counterparts among the Shems), but was glad of Leliana for putting up bodyguards.... anyway it was handled, and Josephine revealed her backstory of that one time she was a bard and accidentally killed someone which does... make a lot of sense. And last, we found Cassandra liked reading bad erotic literature penned by Varric; and we had to make sure Varric knew it too and wrote a sequel. THAT WAS AWESOME! At this point i'm pretty sure not only do I ship them, but I think my character does too... Also apparently Cassandra loans Dorian smut books? Like how and when and in what circumstances did this loan of book happen, i wanna know. Also I played chess with Cullen and learned a bit about his family (who sound adorb), which was cute. Also, again, Dorian goes around ;p (I love those moments when you see companions having interaction with one another and developing friendships, makes the crew really come alive to see the group dynamics besides just banters). And I think that's it... next time I'll probably finally manage to get to Wicked Eyes Wicked Hearts.

#dragon age #dai #dem plays da #damoselcastel

[naeomee-blog1]

Two Years on Oestrogen

On this day, two years ago, I started on oestrogen hormone therapy.  Getting to that point has been an epic quest of its own, bringing new challenges to light in the process.

This is my story, a tale of my perceptions and my struggles through life from the perspective of gender - I will write more about my disabilities, and how they affected my life, at a later point in time.

Please excuse any clunky language… It may be two years into my journey, but sadly I don’t always have the right wording or language to fully express myself.  I’m doing my best, and that’s what counts... Right?

In the beginning…

For as long as I can remember, I’ve never really understood the point of gender, and it’s supposed crucial role in society.  The idea that there were products, colours, etc that were “boys’” or “girls’” confounded me.  It seemed unnecessarily silly, and pointless - they were just objects, colours, etc.  There was nothing intrinsically gendered about them.  For example, pink being a “girls’” colour - it is merely a colour, a combination of red and white (or yellow). It is a wonderful colour, but it isn’t owned; doesn’t possess a gender. It’s just a colour.

My hobbies were more neutral than anything. I liked to read - every day I would go to my local library after school. On Friday’s I would attend model club - my models of choice were usually World War I & II, and Star Trek related.  When I got along with my sisters, we would play make believe. I secretly had a fascination of ballet, which I didn’t express.

I had these concepts of gender foisted upon me, what was or was not considered for boys or for girls. To some limited form, I allowed these to be pushed on me.  I wore “male” clothing, I was gendered a boy, I was referred to as he/him, etc.  I hid some of my interests because they were deemed for girls only.

I’m under no illusion that my parents would have accepted me, if I expressed concerns about how I was perceived, about being a boy, etc.  The fact that Mummy accepts me now is proof of this.  However, at the time I didn’t know how to express what I felt - a lack of gender.  The complete lack of understand of why things were considered for boys, or girls.  I didn’t have the words.  Instead, I sought solitude, and the company of books - they allowed me escape from a world I didn’t really understand.  The irony, of course, is the books naturally all used very gendered language, and expressed concepts of manliness and femininity - but that I could ignore… For there were worlds in these books, fascinating places of culture, and mystery.

Given how I understood the world to work - unfortunately, thanks to my father (as well as that side of the family), who had a more traditional perception of family, I felt scared to express my distress at being labelled a boy - for being a boy meant being the “stronger” of the genders, the workers, the breadwinners.  Being a girl was considered lesser - to be the one to stay home, to cook, to wash, to clean, to bear children.  I felt that I would have been considered a freak if I expressed that I wanted nothing to do with gender; more of an abomination than if I knew I were a girl.

That’s the world of sexism I was exposed to - the awful credo of women being terrible drivers, stay at home mums, etc.  I’m not going to lie, I have said terribly sexist things in the past myself - in the misguided attempts to fit in.  It felt wrong saying such things, more so than hearing sexist statements spouted out by others.  To this day, father makes these awful declarations and jokes - which makes me extremely hesitant to be around him.  I feel deeply ashamed that I was brought up in a world where this kind of behaviour was deemed not only acceptable, but expected.

Reaching puberty…

My teenage years were the worst part of my life.  I was severely bullied for being a freak, gay, and many other things.  I was sexually assaulted by a girl at the age of 14 - something nobody should ever have to experience, let alone at that age.  I lost my dear Grandpa to cancer.  I was at my lowest, and to add to this I felt even more distanced from myself and the changes my body was forcing upon me.

I wanted nothing to do with puberty, I didn’t welcome the changes - I didn’t even want the genitals that I had.  But I had no recourse but to bite my tongue and deal with it - I didn’t feel I could express myself without being told I was being silly, that it was a phase, etc.  No doubt I would have suffered even more bullying too.

All the while I felt confusion and anger at myself - I had a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome, which was kept off the record due to being at a stage of my life that was apparently “critical”, with GCSE exams upcoming in a year or two.  I found myself lashing out more, I was angry all the time, I rebelled at everything I could - including myself.  I fell behind in coursework, refused to take part in Physical Education (in fairness, it was often just playing football - an utterly stupid ‘sport’ that I loathe beyond words).  I wouldn’t participate in Religious Education either - I felt whatever G-d there might be had forsaken me, robbed me of someone I considered a role model and a guiding force in my life.

I found solitude in my school library, and in the ICT Department, hiding away reading books and repairing computers - two things that gave me relief from life, and a repetitive structure that I found myself liking (as well as learning about electronics).  Eventually, I was placed on antidepressants at the age of 15, because I simply couldn’t cope with everything I faced - it was too much for me, and I started shutting down.  The medication I was placed on (initially citalopram, then escitalopram, followed by fluoxetine/Prozac) kept me barely functioning.  I felt like a zombie - well, more of a robot, I guess. It was better than facing my depression, but left me devoid of passion for anything.  I merely woke up, did what was required on that day, read my books to escape, then went to bed again in the evening.

Headed in to adulthood…

My adulthood has been very mixed, involving many name changes, as my discomfort with myself grew.  Initially I thought perhaps it was the wrong name, so I tried alternatives - including even more male-aligned names to try and throw myself into sharp relief with the sex I was born with, to see if I could suppress this extreme distaste of myself.  To make matters worse for me, I experienced sexual assault for a second time at age 18, at my first trip to an LGBT+ nightclub.  This time a guy was responsible.

Around this time I found myself looking into transgender related topics very much in-depth, and I found a lot of parallels to my own life.  Whilst a lot of people come out at an early age, I discovered that there are people who came out later in life.  I discovered the term dysphoria, and felt relief that there was a description for how I felt.

At this time I had a boyfriend, who was himself transgender.  Unfortunately, I found myself too scared to express how I felt about myself, and that sexual activities with him were almost expressly for his enjoyment (when they weren’t doomed to failure) - my dysphoria caused me significant issues with performance, even with the help of medication such as Sildenafil - and a high dosage of 100mg at that.  I worried it would cause relationship issues, upset and possibly even angry outbursts and invalidation.  This proved not to be a worry, as in the end we split up, and I moved to Folkestone with father.

Acceptance and transitioning...

Eventually I realised I couldn’t escape who I was, or suppress it - and having moved away from Medway, I felt safer being more expressive.  It was at this point I thought about neutral names, and I spoke to a friend about non-binary gender identities - after having done extensive research.  He was incredibly supportive, and I felt more compelled to seek out what I knew I wanted, and needed: A neutral or feminine name, and to be referred to a Gender Identity Clinic to get hormone therapy.

Getting a referral to the Gender Identity Clinic was no walk in the park, I got turned away by the first GP I saw, being told that “they wouldn’t want to see you, as you’re neither boy or girl - they won’t be able to help you”.  The second GP just outright refused because they didn’t understand, and even after clarifying I was told they still wouldn’t refer me anyway.  The third GP I saw thankfully had dealt with gender identity before at a previous clinic/surgery, and told me she would refer me without hesitation or “roadblocks” to Charing Cross.  It was an absolute relief to feel like progress was being made - it took me weeks to get to this point.  In between each refusal I had spent time furthering my research and making notes for myself of how I might make more progress.

With my referral underway, I realised I didn’t think I could handle waiting so long to receive hormone therapy - sure, I was 30 and by that logic I should be able to wait a year or two more… But this brought the realisation that I could be 40 before I had any surgeries, and the thought of that horrified me.  I needed hormones, I needed to start my transition and to get well underway with my social transitioning too - there’s a minimum requirement of two years of hormone therapy and social transition before surgical consultation will be considered.

I looked for alternatives… DIY hormone therapy looking too terrifying and complex, and GenderCare was simply too expensive.  I stumbled across a few posts on Reddit discussing a new-ish service from Dr Webberley, aimed at providing hormones to those who needed it, at significantly less cost than with GenderCare - and was all online.  This sounded perfect to me, so I made some enquiries, which quickly resulting in paying the appropriate fees, undergoing a consultation and a week later, I received my first batch of hormones: EVOREL Oestradiol patches (one per week), and Finasteride (5mg daily).

My hormone therapy started on the 14th May, 2016 - my best friend at the time wanted to “slap the first patch on my arse” as it was described, to my amusement… And that was exactly what happened at his flatwarming party.The patches lasted no time - unfortunately they fell off too often, so I was quickly switched to Climaval tablets.  I was also prescribed Vaniqa, a cream to reduce facial hair - unfortunately this proved to be an unsuccessful treatment for me.

I found my mood improving (despite the monthly wobbles I developed around my marker day - a term I use to indicate the day I started hormone therapy).  I felt more liberated, I started looking for clothes I felt more comfortable in.  My friend started referring to me as she/her and I adored it - it felt so right.

In August 2016 I decided to make the move to DIY hormone therapy, in an attempt to reduce costs, and to understand the process more intimately (having to assess my own blood test results, and gauge the levels to adjust my regime accordingly) - the medication I took was Spironolactone and Progynova.  This lasted until October 2016, when I went back with Dr Webberley’s GenderGP.co.uk service for a month (back on Finasteride and now prescribed Sandrena gel), before transferring onto a bridging prescription with my GP.  This resulted in a prescription change to Cyproterone Acetate and Sandrena gel.

Around November 2017 I started going swimming in Brighton at events held specifically for transgender people, enabling them a safe space to swim, without fear of judgement, misgendering, etc.  I decided to change my name to Naeomee, a name I feel completely at home with.  I’ve found myself describing myself predominantly as non-binary/demigirl, though on occasion for simplicity I do sometimes use transgirl/MtF.  I feel a lot more comfortable with these descriptions.  I’m planning to undergo surgeries, hopefully having my first surgical opinion in June 2018.

I had my first appointment at Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic in March 2017 - I received a call a day before, offering me a short notice appointment the next day.  I jumped at this, naturally - I had to replan my day, as I was due to go to Brighton for Trans Swimming in the afternoon, which I pushed back to early evening.  The appointment was pretty intense, with a lot of personal questions to establish how I felt, how I identified, what I was looking for, etc.  I won’t lie, it was quite overwhelming and emotional.

My second appointment was in September 2017, again a pretty intense appointment, but at the end I signed a Shared Care document to be sent to my GP meaning that my hormone therapy would be officially handled by the GIC from then on.  My prescription was change to Decapeptyl GnRH (injection) and to remain on Sandrena gel.

It’s now two years since I started on hormones.  Whilst I still have a lot of dysphoria, and often struggle to see the changes I’ve undergone, I get constant daily reminders that I’m slowly passing more - I get compliments from people, comments that they would never have guessed I wasn’t born female, etc.  It’s quite validating for me to hear this.  Yes, I still get misgendered a lot too, especially on days where it’s more difficult to keep up my voice and find myself speaking in my older, bassier voice.

Mostly I feel good, I have decent and supportive friends, I have a wonderful boyfriend (also transgender).  I’m living with him, in our own flat - it’s nice to have a place of our own and to be no longer living under parents.

#trans #transgender #transitioning #transgirl #nonbinary #non-binary #enby #enbygirl #enby girl #demigirl #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqia #oestrogen #estrogen #hormones #hormone therapy #hrt #mtf hrt #mtf #dysphoria #trans journey #personal #me #long post

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 YESTERDAY'S POST CAN BE FOUND HERE - 18/01/18 1 Month Anniversary Special Stat Spectacular!  Game Releases: Baseball Riot - EU/NA Release - €4.99 | $4.99 | £4.49 - eShop Link - Website - TrailerHelp Gabe Carpaccio take vengeance on the unholy alliance of his former team and a corrupt energy drink manufacturer Explodz Inc.! Baseball Riot is a fun physics based puzzle game packed with slapstick comedy and mayhem! Take control of retired star batter Gabe Carpaccio as he goes on a crusade to free his former team from the grasp of Explodz Inc. Smash baseballs at various Explodz fueled goons such as obnoxious fans, biased umpires, leery catchers and more. Bounce the ball of walls and platforms to knock out many targets with one hit. Detonate Explodz crates to launch the baddies sky high! See the enemies tumble as hapless ragdolls and try to master each level by collecting three stars. Conquer more than 100 levels and save the day! Vesta - EU/NA Release - €12.74 | $14.99 | £11.46 - eShop Link - Website - TrailerVesta is a witty 6-year-old girl who lives in a desolate underground maze – the ruins of a once-bright city inhabited by humans and perfect machines. Although this world can be lonely, she is kept company by her friend BOT. It advises her and encourages her to do the tasks she is assigned, although it knows much more than it lets on. In order to survive in this passive yet hostile environment, BOT will give Vesta a real helper – DROID. He may be a bit rough around the edges, but he'll handle physical tasks that would be impossible for a fully grown adult, let alone a little girl. Besides, he is the perfect weapon to defend against the dangers lurking in the remains of this abandoned complex. Join Vesta as she explores various environments over 36 levels full of obstacles and enemy robots. She'll need her brains and DROID's power to traverse this varied landscape, properly manage the little energy left in the complex, solve the numerous puzzles she finds in her path, and even fight to survive. But most of all she will need to discover the truth of this story. Nuclien - EU/NA Release - €3.49 | $3.99 | £2.99 - eShop Link - Website - VideoCount as fast as you can in this mind splitting game that forces you to locate numbers as fast as possible, and flip your perspective backwards and forwards at an almost impossible rate! The new universe is about to begin. In this empty void, there is nothing. All that remains is for the DNA architect to successfully sequence the DNA that will become the origin of everything that exists… Nuclien takes a simple concept and turns it into an addictive and challenging experience. Race against the clock to find the numbers in their correct order by counting up, down or even doing both at the same time! Brawl - EU Release - €9.99 | $9.99 | £8.99 - eShop Link - Website - TrailerStep into the darkness of The Emporium with 8 unique characters, each with a rich back story and a surprising plot-twist. Fight your way to the end using different play styles, from pure brutality as a Wrestler to hiding in shadows as an elusive Thief. Play with up to 4 players on Multiplayer Mode with 20+ interactive maps. Fight against your opponents and environmental hazards in 5 game modes, featuring Sumo, Color Domination and Classic Brawl. Team up with a friend and take a challenge on 3 different Challenge Modes. Use powerups to upgrade your bombs and be even more deadly than usual.  Today's News: Super Meat Boy and Forever physical editions probable...and they may release a collection at some point - LinkThe much beloved series dating all the way back 2010 finally arrived on the Switch the other day. The game wasn't just ported as it was either, they added a brand new "Race" mode to the game where you are timed against a friend and have to race through different levels. The game on the Switch also supported split joy-cons, which is always a positive, and the actual performance and patch job seem to be absolutely stellar. Anyway, when a Twitter user asked Team Meat whether their game would be coming to the physical market, the developers very kindly replied, ">99%"...now, I know maths may be quite difficult for some of you so to put that into other words, a physical release is definitely coming to the Switch. That isn't all the news though, as later on down the thread, another user asked whether it would be coming in the form of a Super Meat Collection and to that they replied, "A collection probably in the future, but not for a long time.". Although that means it isn't confirmed, it still shows that they are thinking about it. Can't wait, I just hope that the box art is there and we actually get some form of fancy looking manual!  Game Announcements/Updates: Korg Gadget - Announcement - Spring 2018Now this is an incredibly fascinating announcement. Korg Gadget, currently only a PC and Mac software, has just been announced to be coming to the Switch! Most of you are probably unaware of what this software/program is, so I would like to leave it to the website to give you a better explanation that I could probably muster up at 11:00PM GMT..."Plentiful instrumental gadgets combined with a simple and intuitive graphical interface enable speedy music creation. With this new music creation studio, one can create and perform music by actively twisting and turning the Joy-Con™. There is also a multi-player mode in which up to four people can collaborate in making music. Connect via an HDMI cable to enjoy playing on the TV in your living room, or use it with a projector for big live performances. Everyone can enjoy this new game-like DAW experience.". Holy crap, a music creation software for the Switch that incorporates the joy-cons and even allows for multiplayer! I guess the announcement for that other software arriving for the Switch has been pretty popular, and now I just want even more software companies to port there programs to the Switch. Super Beat Sports: All Star Pack - Announcement - TrailerIn a surprising, but definitely welcome announcement, a new song pack is now available for free for Super Beat Sports. Super Beat Sports is "a collection of five sports-themed mini games with a twist - everything is musical. That means that you’ll need swing, volley, and score to the music in order to come out on top.". This music based game is actually pretty fun and the fact that the developers are providing free song packs is pretty great of them. The song pack titles, "All Star Pack", will come will 6 new songs which are going to be featured in the Net Ball and Gobble Golf mini-games. You can read the full announcement in the link above. Xenoblade Chronicles 2: Update 1.2.0 - Patch NotesThis was very kindly discovered by a reader yesterday, so instead of updating the post 10 hours after it went live, I decided to wait till today's post so you all could be made aware of this update. If it isn't obvious by the title, yesterday saw the release of the brand new 1.2.0 patch for Xenoblade Chronicles 2. This game was the third and final major 1st party release for Nintendo last year and performed incredibly well, however not to the heights of Mario and Zelda but that was expected. Anyway, in this latest patch, several bugs were squashed and other fixes were put into place. They also added several user requested features to make their game even better for their playerbase. Some of these fixes include, "Added functionality to allow players to receive the first round of quests and the second round of items associated with the Expansion Pass.", "Voiced segments in menus can now be skipped with the A or B button.", and "Adjusted the Gormott regular quest “The Riddle on the Wall” to make it completable regardless of player progression in the main story.". This extensive patch is available to download now and the relevant patch notes can be found in the link above!  Top Reddit Posts: Games with tiny fonts have to stop. - Link - u/kravitzzYou think Switches success will bring back "Game Cube" era of all games released on Xbox, PlayStation and Switch? - Link - u/YarrrImAPirateWhat the Switch Really needs is a solid City Builder - Link - u/TheRealShubshubI’ve got a very talented friend. The tips glow in the dark! - Link - u/Fankuan19  If there are any errors or missed information, just let me know and I'll add it promptly.  Well today has been quite a busy day! I've released 3 articles today and have officially launched my website (moved it out of a "soft launch" state! I know I say it regularly, but I would like to thank you all for the continued support, without you I would never have continued this series for more than a week, I would never have hit a month of activity. Today was a little quiet in terms of news, but with the next Direct being rumoured to be a thing next month, I'm sure I'll be kept busy. Thank you to all of the wonderful people who allowed me to use their reddit posts from earlier today, you are part of what make this community amazing. Enjoy your day/night and I'm going to get some much needed sleep now, night night! Sam :) via /r/NintendoSwitch

#reddit