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greenninjagal-blog · 4 years

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currently vibing in a two-week lockdown, can you share some of your favorite fics? i need some new things to read, and I've got too much time on my hands-

Aw man, same! The rest of my actual Spring Semester got turned online… Let’s see…..Fic recs for the pseudo End of the World (Courtesy of AO3, arranged by most prominent ship!) Keep in mind that my descriptions are shorter and written mostly for comedic effect than the actual fics, so if something looks interesting Click it! Get more info about it! Don’t just take my word! I tried my best to get a lot of variety of fics and topics and tropes, as well as authors that might not be as well known! Uhhh here are the links to lists I’ve already made for various other reasons check out my Fic Rec Masterlist!

I also am including various of my fav authors masterlists for funsies!

jungle321jungle’s || Max-isTired’s || TrashficParlour’s || Lefaystrent’s || Mine!

Completed Fics

A Deal in which Virgil tries to summon a familiar and gets a Circle King instead. And he’s really pretty. (Anxceit)

Love Like You in which Virgil decides to give up looking for a romantic partner and considers adopting instead. He finds more than he’s looking for with a set of twins and the man who watches over them (Anxceit)

A Dragon’s Tail in which Logan is cursed to be a Dragon by his best friends stepmother, Virgil is struggling to learn a power he can’t control, Patton who’d rather marry a servant than the Prince, and Roman has no clue what is going on but the Prince he’s supposed to be saving can probably kick his ass. (Logicality, Prinxiety)

A Game of Vice in which Remus kidnaps Roman and turns it into a game of who can come save him from his lonely tower. (Logicality, Prinxeity)

double down with the paradigms in which Logan tries to explain away his own OCD while dealing with the emotions he has for a certain Pre-Vet. Excellent depiction of OCD, made me cry, 300/10 would read again. (Logicality, Prinxiety)

It Takes Two to Tango in which Roman begs his brother, Logan, to let him go back in time to meet a famous dancer. Falling in Love was not part of the plan. (Prinxiety, Logicality)

A favorite star in the heavens in which everyone has at least one soulmate. They’re luckily enough to have three each. (LAMP)

Forgotten Forests and Magnified Myths in which Logan finds out very suddenly that he has the passive ability to talk to dragons. (DAMP, Remilie)

Sense5 in which five people in different countries are suddenly psychically linked together and uh…yeah fun times. (DLAMP)

Stray Hearts Are Subject To Change in which black cat hybrid Virgil plans to die very heroically in an alley and Roman completely messes up that plan by being a decent human being. (Prinxiety, Logicality)

Hidden In Shadows in which Virgil is the boogieman every adult warned you about but he doesn’t actually enjoy being scary. Good thing the three Sanders kids aren’t scared of anything. (Not so good for their very confused Dad who isn’t sure what to do about their new imaginary friend)

Paved with Good Intentions in which the dark sides agree to send Virgil to the light sides as a way to get Thomas to listen to them more. Now if Virgil can just get along with the Light sides enough to actually start making some progress…

Absent Gods and Silent Tyranny or: How Logan Learned to Stop Over Thinking and Love Everyone in which Logan is a morally grey scientist who just works for supervillains because they pay well. He doesn’t expect someone like Virgil to change that.

Series

Clouds and Moss AU in which the sides are gods and its very gay and very good. (Intrulogical, Roceit)

Colors in which Logan is an excellent Dad, Virgil is an amazing son, and the world is very colorful. (Logicality)

Labeled in which Logan is a famous superhero, Patton is a doctor, and they adopt the would-be super villain and everything is soft and lovely and I cry at the purity. (Logicality, Remilie)

Fbi!au in which the sides work for the fbi and I diligently reread these series of oneshots for a daily dose of serotonin! (Logince, Moxiety)

Growing Old is More Fun with You in which Patton is a PTA dad and so is Deceit and they have a “rivalry”. (Mociet)

Gilded Cage in which Roman is forced to dance for the fairy queen whenever she wants it. (Prinxiety)

Renegades! in which the sides live in a dystopia and fight the government while being completely in love with each other. (Prinxiety, Logiciality)

Love and Other Fairytales in which a couple decides to keep their changling and their actual son, a child is cursed gifted a voice that makes people do whatever he says, a boy makes a rotten deal for the sake of his friend, and centuries before any of this, a fae prince is tricked into an endless sleep by his brother.

The Vampire Hunting Vampire in which Virgil was turned into a monster and LPR slowly convince him he’s not as bad as he thinks he is. Through cuddles. (LAMP, DLAMP)

Wasteland, Baby! in which there are things in the woods and Patton gets,,, intimate with them. On purpose! (LAMP)

Destined in which Damian has successfully ignored his Soulmates for five years and he planned on doing it for much longer but on his twentieth birthday fate intervenes with a second soultrait that forces him to come face to face with all of them. (DLAMP)

Old Gods in which Gods sometimes walk the earth and Remus is pleased to hear that people are still making offerings to him– wait that is not a goat. And other fun stories!

Sit back and watch the world go by in which Virgil is a human abducted by alien smugglers, befriends Patton, breaks out, and everyone fears humans as space orcs, almost as much as Virgil is afraid of them.

Teaming the Pieces Together in which Thomas is a pokemon trainer and eevees just…click with him.

Tales from the Dark Sides in which the author provides a lovely hub of works where Virgil is abused by OC dark sides and DLMPR are there to help patch him up.

Uncle Emile and the Super Nephews in which Emile gets custody of his six nephews and tries to bond with them. They in turn try very hard not to tell him they have superpowers.

Cuffed Universe in which Remus is a cop chasing after a hacker, Logan breaks the laws and Virgil would just like tO KEEP ONE JOB WITHOUT ONE OR BOTH OF THE OTHERS DRAGGING HIM INTO THEIR SHIT. (Analomus)

Ongoing Fics

The Origin in which space travel via Thomas Sanders’s ship SS Revelation gets more complicated when the Planets themselves turn out to be entities who aren’t all on board with humanity spreading to the rest of the solar system. (Remile)

Delicato in which Logan and Patton are music professors with very different conceptions of music, and Virgil and Roman are students in both their classes who just want them to kiss already. (Logicality, Prinxiety)

Coming out of The Shadows in which a small mutant child Virgil is treated as subhuman because of his uncontrolled ability to manipulate shadows up until a scientist buys him. (Royality)

Falling Stars At My Command in which Roman wishes on a star and Patton reaps the benefits while Logan unfortunately gets dragged along for the ride. (Royality)

Sugar in which Patton has three sons and no free time to bother with a relationship while he’s trying to manage bills. At least until Roman walks into his life. Sugar Daddy anyone? (Royality)

A Man, a Snake, and a Rat in which Logan, Deceit, and Remus become college roomates (Intruloceit)

a.s.h.es, ashes (We all fall down) in which after Logan almost dies during one of his recuse missions, him and his partner start to dig into the superhero agency they’re employed by and stumble into something far bigger than they expected. (Logicality, Prinxiety, LAMP? LAMP)

Keep him safe in which Detective Logan falls for the owner of his new favorite bakery while his partner Roman falls for the gang member they’re chasing. Ft: emotions, a pet rat, dealing with delusions 101, trauma, and family so gooey it literally makes me melt whenever it updates. I love this fic so much. (Advertises as Logicality and Prinxiety but theres so much LAMP I can’t not put it down here)

Multitudes in which Virgil works at a coffeeshop, pines over the customers that come in, and wonders why they all tip him so well. (LAMP)

Songbird in which the only thing keeping Virgil’s parents alive is his voice: the moment the (new) King gets tired of listening to him its off with all their heads. And Virgil’s okay with that, he is…. Until three visiting nobles leaving him wishing for his freedom for the first time since he was ten. (LAMP)

Shatter in which Logan gets fed up with not being listened to, and takes some poor advice from Rage, which ends with the entire Mindscape being turned upside down and inside out. Now its up to Deceit fix it all. (aka the author decided it was about high time Deceit got some love and appreciation and I’m out here living for it.) (DAMP)

Incredible Cosmic Power in which Virgil awakens some genies by accident and they refuse to let him go back to living a relatively normal peaceful life. (DLAMP)

Plea for my New Self in which Vampire Virgil decides he wants to start over again, and goes back to college to work on coding. There he proceeds to do reckless good with his absurd amount of wealth and a “fuck it” attitude. Actually one of my favorite things ever okay. I love this one so much. (DLAMP)

Your Wish Is My Command in which Thomas accidentally rubs six lamps and becomes the glorified babysitter to six jinn who definitely don’t trust him. But its fineeee. (DLAMP)

6 Dads in which Deceit, Emile, Remus, Roman, Thomas, and Remy make a relationship work and their children aren’t sure how but go along with it anyway.

Rebel Rebel in which Thomas, a well respected man, visits the Imagination, for some pleasure business as a one time thing. Except that he keeps coming back. Maybe maybe falls in love with one, two, thr– all of the men who work there.

A New Kind of Experiment in which Virgil runs away from home, and ends up kidnapped by merman, and somehow he doesn’t mind that much.

Becoming His Own Hero in which everyone has to juggle their superhero lives with their regular lives and sometimes…its just hard.

don’t wanna be a tragedy in which brothers Roman and Remus get a house and subsequently find out its totally, completely, 100% haunted.

Don’t You, Forget About Me in which the author recreates Breakfast club and does it spectacularly.

Heart’s Heroes in which Patton may be a villain but that does not mean he wants to see the child heroes of the city dead.

Mortals and Fae in which Deceit barely escapes the wrath of his town when they all turn against him. Dying, he stumbles into a fairy circle hoping that with his name the fae make his death short and sweet. Big Shock for him when he wakes up with a Fairy Prince swearing to protect him.

Sanders Family in which Thomas adopts six kids and has no regrets about it.

How Not to Go About an Important Inspection in which after a devastating betrayal the crew of the USS Bifrost is docked for repairs and the crew just wants to go back to being a normal family but Command is insisting on an inspection to ensure nothing so…drastic occurs again.

Symbiotic in which certain Vampires have a vemon that leaves with victims craving getting their blood drunken. Deceit, one of these Victims, continues to burn bridges because that’s easier than admitting he might need help dealing with this.

#greengabs #fic recs #Lockdown 2020 list #god this took me like eight hours to put together #I hope this helps

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thekingofkeepers · 4 years

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MY GENSAKU MASTERLIST FANFIC POST

Because I write so much of it might as well have all the links in a handy post for whichever unfortunate soul decides to read them. I’ll keep updating this post as I write more fics!

As additional info, any fic about a particular AU will have that AU written next to the title. Smaller things mostly canon compliant like what-ifs and such won’t be marked as an AU. Also this only includes oneshots as I plan to make more multichapter fics and give them their own masterlist post.

This post is sorted in chronological order, starting by the first one I posted. Enjoy if you do decide to dive into this!

Update: since I still can’t make up my mind on where to put my multichapter fics I decided to just split this list in two- at the top there is the list of all oneshots in order of posting, and after that there is now a list of all multichapters, also in order of posting. Now all the Gensaku fics are nicely grouped up together for you to read!

Oneshots

- The scars we try to hide: It's the first time that Genda looks at himself in the mirror after the match that he really looks at them. The two scars are thin and jagged, running over his right eye and stopping at his cheekbone. Every time he sees himself in the mirror, Genda stubbornly tries to pull his hair over his eye, like that can be enough to hide those scars and shove the pain in a forgotten corner of his mind. It never works. Sakuma tries to help.

- The will to fight: After the match to choose the Inazuma Japan members, something was wrong with Genda, Sakuma could tell, what with how he disappeared without an explanation after practice and came back the next day with bruises he couldn't explain. He was determined to find out what was going on.

- Fever: A sick Genda is a grumpy Genda. Good thing Sakuma is there for him.

- Captain: Being the Teikoku's new captain after Kidou left isn't easy, especially when you don't feel up to the task. They try anyways.

- Eye patch: The story behind the eye patch.

- When your friends aren’t together...: ... even though you and the entire team know they definitely like each other, what do you do? You try to set them up, of course. ... Though Fudou is definitely not the one you'd want to try and set you up. He just wants to win the bet going on at the Teikoku. Kazemaru is very tired of this.

- Anything for you: Because Genda will never leave Sakuma to drown alone in his problems.

- Homework: Just a normal study session.

- Park: A date at the amusement park.

- Anew: (Adoption AU) It all started when Genda met that kid in the park. It all went downhill from there.

- Point of no return: Where one decision changes many things and hurts them in the process. Or: Genda makes a stupid choice to save Sakuma and ends up alone in Shin Teikoku instead.

- Just more school problems: (Adoption AU) When they adopted a kid, Genda and Sakuma weren't ready for many things that came with it. School and mean kids were just one of them. They still manage.

- Of coffee, salt and pastries: (Coffee shop AU) Retail work was far from ideal for Sakuma, even if it was just a coffee shop testing his patience and impulse control on the daily. Lucky him, Genda is there to help.

- Birthday: It's Genda's birthday and the team prepares accordingly.

- Bruised: After the Neo Japan match, their players didn't exactly come out unscathed, what with the hellish training they were put through. The Teikoku team is just worrying over their teammates- especially when Genda is being the reckless idiot they're all painfully used to.

- Of coffee dates and plans: (Coffee shop AU) Ever since Genda started working at the coffee shop, everyone knew pretty well that there was something between him and Sakuma, as much as no one said anything on the job. Two coworkers very tired of seeing them just ignore the matter take action.

- Healing: After their disastrous match against the Zeus, the Teikoku is doing their best to just heal and recover. It's not so easy knowing how much their keeper had to go through for their sake. Sakuma won't leave him alone.

- Once a year: Sakuma's birthdays weren't always great or uneventful as he hoped, more often than not being nothing more than a mess he wanted to forget. Genda refused to let him be miserable like he expected, and Sakuma couldn't be any more grateful.

- Fangs: After the Zeus match, Genda knew he had to become stronger. For his team. Relying on a forbidden technique was not the best idea, though. He'd find a way to work with it without landing himself back in the hospital in the process. Day 1 of teikokuweek 2020: Victory

- Future: (Adoption AU) Reiichi wants to make his parents proud and there might be a few scares involved in the process, but it's alright, because they're still a family. Day 1 of teikokuweek 2020: Future

- By the sword: (Noragami AU) A god should never speak to a human, let alone try to befriend them. Someone should've really reminded Sakuma of that before everything went downhill. Sometimes he felt like a really selfish god. Day 3 of teikokuweek 2020: Alternate Universe

- Cristalline waters: (Mermaid AU) Life changes a lot when you're welcoming a merfolk in it, especially when you're a pirate always on the run. Neither of them seems to care too much. Day 4 of teikokuweek 2020: Beach

- Ache and comfort: Sakuma doesn't have it easy in the hospital between healing injuries and the constant fear of falling behind. He's not alone, and Genda will remind him of it. Day 4 of teikokuweek 2020: Hospital

- Memories of scars: They have gotten plenty of scars over the years. Some have a deeper story than others. Day 6 of teikokuweek 2020: Scars

- In the old woods: (Fantasy AU) Sakuma thought he was going to die in those woods. What a way to go for a prideful warrior, bleeding in some forsaken forest and about to be mauled by a wolf to boot. Too bad it's not his time yet, and the wolf is not all he seems. Those woods were full of surprises.

- Inked flowers: (tatto parlor/flower shop AU) Sakuma had never really talked to the guy working at the flower shop in front of his parlor, too busy with his own work to even bother- he looked pretty intimidating anyways. Then, that guy walked into his parlor asking for a tattoo. There were many surprises that Sakuma didn't expect, but he didn't mind any of them.

- Father’s day: (adoption AU) Sometimes it's the small things that matter. Reiichi still tries his best to show his parents how much he cares, even if it's just a child's little gift.

- Hospital trips: As much as Sakuma loves his boyfriend, sometimes he has to wonder if the scares and injuries are worth it. Unsurprisingly, they are.

- Rainy days: Even in the coldest days, they're alright because they have each other, and that's enough.

- On the road: Of the many impulsive decisions in their lives, Sakuma liked the improvised road trips the best.

- Ice rink: They're on a date at the ice rink when Genda realizes that skating might be harder than he expected. Sakuma doesn't really seem to mind.

- First engine: Sakuma couldn't have been any happier after moving in with his boyfriend, now Genda deserved the best gift he could find for his first birthday after starting to live together.

- Of pain and sacrifices: Shin Teikoku was nothing short of hell, between the training and injuries that kept knocking them down and trying to tear them apart and mold them once again into Kageyama's loyal puppets. At least they still have each other, even if it meant sacrificing anything they could just to keep the other safe a little longer.

- Blessed: (Noragami AU) In which sacrifices are made, more than once. Sakuma doesn't think he could ever endure something like this again. Sequel to "By the sword"

- Among nature: (D&D AU) It all started when he found that cat napping in his bag without a care in the world. Then, he found out that he didn't mind the cat, even when it turned out to be something else entirely, not exactly the friendly animal he had expected. Turns out, what came after that meeting was more than what he could've ever asked for.

- Together: Between the newcomer in the team and Kageyama's return, someone needs to be there for Sakuma. He's lucky that Genda is that someone.

- Parties and drinks: As any college student would do, they took some much needed time off to party and unwind after a tough week. Except for Genda it just meant being the responsible friend and making sure all of them would get back to their dorms. Not easy when they were that drunk. He's trying his best.

- Early sickness: Sakuma is terribly stubborn when he gets sick. At least Genda knows well by now how to take care of him when even making him take medicine is a challenge.

- New foods: (werewolf/vampire AU) In which a werewolf finds out that meat can, in fact, be eaten in other ways than just raw. The kitchen might end up being an unfortunate victim of this discovery in the future, though.

- Haircutting: Maybe it's time for a little change after so many years.

- Cake: Just Genda bringing a sweet treat to his boyfriend in the hospital. gensakuweek 2020 Day 6 - hospital

- Festival: There is a festival in town, the perfect occasion for a much needed break and the date they had wanted for a while. gensakuweek 2020 Day 5 - festival

- Almost kisses: Five times Sakuma almost kissed Genda and one time he did.

- Beach days: Of all the things Sakuma expected to find on the beach that day, a shark was definitely not one of them. He wasn't expecting to befriend said shark either- but he quickly found out that he didn't mind any of it.

- And there was only one bed: (secret santa gift for Tachifuro!) A reservation problem in the hotel they were supposed to stay at in preparation for their next match was nothing. Having to share a bed, now? Maybe that was a bit of a problem. Just maybe.

- Fairy lights: At Sakuma's request, they get some decorations for the season. He quickly realizes that they're not as breathtaking as the one helping him with them.

- Not a beast: (BNHA AU) When a chance encounter with a villains turns into disaster, there is a price to pay. They can only hope that it won't be too high. Or: Genda is still a self sacrificial idiot and may give Sakuma more than one heart attack on the long run. (sequel of sorts to Hero’s Road -first one was for the setting-)

- Demon horns and angel feathers: (demon/angel AU) In which an angel meets with a very annoying demon, except said demon might or might not be his friend and crush.

- Teamwork: Genda is lucky to have the friends he has, even if sometimes they need to remind him. Now, if only he would stop pushing himself and listen to them.

- Homemade: In which Sakuma wants to surprise his boyfriend for the date, only to realize just how much he sucks at cooking.

- It’s always a special day: Sakuma, Genda, and a look at a few of their Valentine's spent together through the years.

- Date in the rain: Or the best they could make of a day ruined by gloomy weather.

- Send me one more message: One day, Genda received a letter, an offer. Even when neither of them was prepared for what would come after accepting, they still decided to try, to push through the hardships. Even with so many hours and distance between them, they were trying.

- It’s not empty day: With his birthday getting closer and all the distance between them, Genda was already expecting the day to be a lonely and empty one, just trying to forget about it for once. Except Sakuma was way more stubborn than he gave him credit for.

- Of love rivals: Sakuma has found his greatest rival when it comes to winning over Genda's affection.

- Seasons: A moment together for every season. Teikokuweek 2021 Day 1: seasons

- Night: During the nights after Shin Teikoku, they find a way to help each other. Teikokuweek 2021 Day 5: Night

- Long distance presents: Because someone has to make sure Sakuma's birthdays are celebrated as he deserves, no matter the distance.

Multichapters

- Made an animal: (werewolf/vampire AU - complete) Sakuma was used to humans fearing him, trying to get rid of a foul creature like him- it just came with being a vampire. What he didn't expect was finding a wolf in need of help when the next hunters came for him. It's not an easy path, with more downs than ups, but they're trying.

- Lion’s heart: (FMA AU - complete) It was supposed to be a simple scouting mission, nothing more. Of all the things Genda expected, the stranger hiding in the decaying, abandoned house certainly wasn't one of them. What came out of helping him wasn't something he expected either.

#inazuma eleven #inazuma eleven go #genda koujirou #sakuma jirou #gensaku #masterlist #this really puts into perspective how much i've been writing uh

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magic-and-moonlit-wings · 5 years

Text

Chapter 43: Breaking Down

-I M trying 2 make text messages look more like txts.- I will probably still veer towards -writing text messages spelled like ordinary dialogue- for the most part, with abbreviations sprinkled in once in a while.

Becoming The Mask

+=+

The dream was … vague. Toby didn't see anything graphic or specific. He didn't scream or jolt upright when he woke. Describing what exactly happened, it wouldn't even sound like a nightmare.

Innocuous; that was the SAT word someone like Blinky might use to describe it.

Toby was at school. Probably school. There was grass underfoot but lockers nearby. Darci and Mary were with him but occasionally blurred into just one girl or the other. Jim arrived, and cheerily informed them all, "Did you hear? Claire's a rock star now."

And Toby knew, with absolute certainty, that Claire Nuñez was dead.

He stood there listening to nonsense words from his friends before the dream faded out and he woke up. His breath hitched. He was shaking. His eyes stung.

Oh, god, Claire was gone.

She, she couldn't be, they weren't down in Trollmarket tonight, she was at home, she was with her parents and –

– and a Changeling. "Every Changeling you've met so far has had personal incentive to keep you alive; that's not going to be universally true." Jim had drugged his own mother unconscious without qualm after sixteen years of knowing and adoring her. Not Enrique had only been with the Nuñezes for a few months. Overdosing was easy to do by accident. Changelings were supposed to guard their secrets with their life (or, preferably, their enemies' lives) and Claire had as good as promised she was going to expose him –

His phone, Toby needed his phone, where had he left his phone?

Had he gotten his phone out of his pocket when he stripped down to his boxers for bed? Once his fumbling fingers confirmed it wasn't on the dresser in easy reach, Toby untangled himself from his blanket and stumbled to his feet. He dug through the laundry hamper for his pants. Empty pocket, empty pocket, was this even the right pair? Empty pocket, bingo! Back pocket!

His finger was headed for the call button before he noticed what time it was. Claire should be asleep. Toby wanted to hear her voice, to reassure himself that she was okay, that nobody had stolen her phone to keep her from calling for help – okay, even he could recognize his imagination was probably getting the best of him now.

-R U OK?-

Maybe he should text the group chat instead? Even if the girls were asleep, Blinky and AAARRRGGHH were in the chat now and they would be awake. Talking to someone, even if they weren't Claire, might be able to break Toby's thoughts out of the downward spirals of worry. It could be hours before Claire woke up and saw the message and texted him back.

Should he call? It wouldn't wake her if her phone was off. Of course, getting no answer might just make him feel worse.

He was hungry.

Are you hungry or are you upset?

He turned on his TV and started a round of Go-Go Sushi. He had the app on his phone as well, but using the TV gave him a larger screen, and keeping his hands off his phone would keep Toby from blowing Claire's up with a thousand texts. The peppy music, cheery colours and low stakes of the game were comforting.

Toby's phone buzzed and he dropped the controller. A cartoon fish informed him he had lost. Toby didn't care. He sighed deeply with relief when he read Claire's reply.

-yeah, Y?-

… Okay, how was he supposed to answer that without sounding like he was freaking out over nothing? Or looking like some kind of idiot who hadn't had it sink in months ago that volunteering to fight trolls might be, you know, dangerous?

Before he could work out a response, Claire texted him again.

-Did NE sneak out and go 2 ur house?- -I'll kill that little monster if mom & dad find him gone!-

-not that!- Toby replied hastily, and then considered. -At least I don't think so?- -I had a nightmare where you got hurt and woke up worried.-

Yes, 'you got hurt' was a much better, less ominous thing to say than 'you vanished and I was pretty sure you died'.

His phone rang. He'd taken a picture of Claire, Mary and Darci at the lunch table when they started sitting with him and Jim, which he'd been using as a contact picture for all three of them since most of his photos of them were in Trollmarket. The version of that picture he'd cropped to focus on Claire now lit up his screen.

"Hey."

"I'm fine, Toby. I get why you needed to check. I get nightmares too."

"You do?" About Darci and Mary, he'd guess, since she had known them longer and had never contacted him in the middle of the night except for troll matters.

"Enrique," she said simply, and Toby felt horrible for not making the connection. "Not Enrique's a brat, but he's been good about letting me check on Enrique with that mirror trick Jim showed us. I mean, it doesn't help that much, because I feel like I should've, I don't know, done something when he was getting kidnapped, but at least I know he's okay while we look for a way to save him." She cleared her throat. "Anyway, I figured it'd be easier for you to get back to sleep if I called you."

"Yeah. This … this really helps. I'm glad you're okay. I'll let you get back to sleep."

"See you at school."

Toby clicked the 'end call' button and picked up his game controller again.

Well. Now he knew Claire was still alive, but he wasn't sure he'd be able to sleep anytime soon.

There were some ominous scratchy noises and quiet thumps behind him, and the sound of his window sliding up. He turned, raising the game controller as if to throw it, and was paralysed by the sight of a red-eyed figure climbing in.

"Toby!"

"Jim?!"

"Chompsky said you needed help." The gnome was on the Changeling's shoulder; Toby could see him now that Jim was in the light and his eyes weren't glowing anymore. "I thought you were under attack."

"… I had a nightmare." He should've gone ahead and texted the group chat if the whole team was going to find out anyway.

"Did you want something to eat?" Jim offered.

Toby shook his head. He almost, jokingly, asked for that tea Jim had been slipping to Dr L for years, before that thought yanked his earlier fears for Claire to the forefront of his mind, and suddenly he was shaking again and could only take shallow breaths.

Chompsky hopped off Jim's arm and scurried over to Toby, chattering in a tone that might be meant to be soothing, and patted Toby's foot.

"Okay, new plan," said Jim, wide-eyed. He turned blue and sprouted horns. He picked Toby up – Toby flinched a little, and Jim did too – and put Toby on his back, and then Jim carried Toby piggyback down the stairs and to Nana's room, where he set Toby on his feet and shifted back into human shape, still half-holding Toby up.

Jim knocked on the half-open door before he pushed it open all the way.

Three cats looked up from the bed and blinked lazily at the boys. The other two paused their tussle on the floor, but only long enough to check who was there. Nana's cats were almost as used to the Lakes as they were the Domzalskis.

Nana didn't sleep with her hearing aid in. Mr Meow-Meow PI always batted her face when her alarm clock rang, and she trusted the cat to do the same if the smoke detector went off. Jim guided Toby to the bed and nudged Nana's shoulder. Her snoring stopped. She groped around for her glasses – Jim moved them under her hand and retreated back to the doorway. Toby sagged.

"Toby-Pie?" Nana blinked at him and put her hearing aid in. "You've been crying."

Jim's shadow vanished from the doorway, either to cook something or go back home.

Toby climbed onto the bed, displacing the nearest cat. Special Agent Patches rumbled warningly at him, but made room, and didn't put her ears back or hiss. The last time Toby had done this, the old calico had been just a kitten. He wondered if she could remember.

"I had a bad dream," said Toby. "One of my friends – she got hurt. She disappeared, and I thought she was dead. And I talked to her, for real after I woke up, so I know she isn't really gone, but – but it could happen. Anytime. And – I'm scared."

"Oh, Toby." Nana hugged him as best she could, then pushed down the blanket – a challenge, with Toby lying on it – to free her arms and hug him better.

"She and Jim have been fighting. He … he's wrong, but he doesn't really get why she's upset. Like, he sort of gets it but not enough to realize he should apologize, just enough to think she'll understand if he explains better. And, I know it's not all Jim's fault, because he didn't want us to know in the first place and we're the ones who followed him, but I'm still mad at him. I still feel like, like he put us in danger."

Toby's voice hitched in something like a hiccup.

"And he's just, just so hard to be mad at because he – there's so much he's not telling us but it's obvious he's hurting too, and that he wasn't trying to hurt anyone else on purpose – like, not for the sake of hurting us, I mean, because some of the stuff was on purpose and he knew it'd hurt but he thought it was, like, the lesser of two evils – and all that makes me feel guilty for being mad at him but also madder for him making me feel guilty."

"Do you need to not see Jimmy for a while?" Nana offered. She looked puzzled as well as concerned. Toby probably hadn't made a lot of sense.

"I don't know what I need."

One of the cats, he didn't see which one, hopped onto his leg and started kneading. Nana rubbed his back. After a while, Toby dozed off.

Once she was sure he was settled, Nancy got up. The bedside table, where her phone was, was on the side of the bed Toby was now sleeping on, so she had to go around the bed to get to it.

+=+

Dr Tiffany Archenn had been one of Waltolomew Stricklander's earliest recruits for Changeling world domination independent of Gunmar – so early that he had still been going by 'Waltolomew' back then.

He had also been trying, since the early 1980s, to convince her to take a guidance counsellor job at his high school. He'd had far less luck persuading her on that score.

Her current therapy practice helped the Janus Order keep an eye on what sort of things humans wanted, for bribery, or worried over, for blackmail, and whether any of them had seen troll or goblin or Changeling activity that needed to be covered up, and to identify future parents suitable for hosting new Changelings. Transferring to the school would reduce her utility, and make her job and Walter's redundant.

Maybe that was the point. Maybe he wanted to transfer elsewhere but couldn't bear to leave his school without any Changeling influence. He'd been a teacher at one school or another since Arcadia Oaks was founded. Naturally he would hesitate to cut the Janus Order's ties to the school system, even if he wanted to do something different personally.

That wasn't why he was visiting her that night. He had come to propose an even more ludicrous plan. Interim Head of the Janus Order? Her?!

"Why would I want to paint a target on my back?"

"You've turned down promotions in the past. Otto will assume you were selected because you lack ambition, and therefore be more likely to try recruiting you than killing you, but more likely to ignore you than either."

Walter was clever. Unfortunately, this meant he sometimes overthought problems with simple solutions. "Have you considered bringing Otto with you?"

Otto would suspect a murder attempt, of course, but he might still go, out of curiosity about what Walter was up to and with intent of being the one to stab first.

"The project is sensitive. Including Otto would be unfeasible."

"And you can't just kill him, because?"

"I don't know what information he's arranged to have released in the event of his death or the means by which it would come out. A bomb with a dead man's switch is the most challenging to defuse."

"Bottle bombs are the most difficult to defuse," Tiffany corrected. Those depended on the explosive's internal chemical reaction rather than an external fuse, a reaction which began immediately during the bomb's construction, and the improvised nature of most bottle bombs meant the explosion was nearly impossible to time accurately in advance.

"My point is, Otto suspects me of involvement in Bular's death, and might have gathered enough circumstantial evidence to sway the rest of the Order."

"In fairness, the Trollhunter has never had much luck against Bular before. Them finally killing him does make one wonder if they had inside help." Walter gave her an unamused look. Tiffany kept her expression mildly interested, like she was encouraging a patient to air their worries.

"Therefore," Walter continued, "I need Otto distracted, not dead. If he does turn up dead in a way that can be connected to me, any speculation he's been sharing abruptly gains weight."

"Or a faithful Changeling became indignant at being accused of treason and killed the accuser." Changelings weren't the most even-tempered of … Actually, and bearing in mind that most of her basis of comparison was Gumm-Gumm behaviour, Changelings might be the most even-tempered of trolls. Said evenness came at the cost of repressed emotion, so it wasn't same as a healthy capacity to feel and release one's emotions in order to remain calm, but still. "You realize you're just giving him time to find or fabricate more evidence against you."

"As interim head, you would have the authority to order his execution, if you so chose."

Oooh, a chance to do your dirty work for you, how tempting. Execute him yourself, you lazy ass.

"You would put me in a position of authority over you?" she taunted, like they didn't both know she would shunt the responsibility back to him at the first opportunity. Tiffany liked being obscure and going unnoticed. She wasn't going to ruin that for herself by accepting a promotion.

"Who else could I trust to give it back?" said Walter, clearly thinking along the same lines.

Ah, so that was his true goal. He wanted her to recommend candidates, and implying she was his first choice would give her incentive to suggest ones good enough to take herself out of consideration.

"Bernie Sturges." Bernie was more on the side of science than anything else.

"Otto got to them first."

"Really. I always thought they were one of yours – wanting to keep the world as it is until they're done studying it."

"Dr Sturges is investigating Bular's cause of death."

"I see." Tiffany tapped her chin. "Then you will want to delay them, before they find anything that could be ... misconstrued, as proof of your involvement. Like a friendly-fire injury from when you tried to drive the Trollhunter away and they dodged, causing your knife to hit Bular instead."

"I wasn't there for that battle."

"Trolls are stone, scars last a long time. Did you and Bular never fight side by side?" She dropped this line of questioning. "Zelda Nomura."

"Please tell me you're joking."

"Put her through a week of diplomacy where she can't pull her swords on everyone and she'll be blackmailing you to take your job back."

"Or the Order will descend into anarchy before my return."

Really, Tiffany just assumed Nomura was involved in whatever Walter was trying to hide about Bular's death. Everyone knew Nomura had once tried to infiltrate Trollmarket and steal the Amulet. She probably still had connections there. Maybe she had even found sympathizers.

(Not Changeling sympathizers; Tiffany couldn't stretch her imagination that far. But Gumm-Gumm sympathizers would still exist in troll communities, quietly, only eating humans in secret, willing to turn a blind eye to machinations leading to Gunmar's escape.)

"Gladys Groe."

"She and Otto despise one another."

"Exactly."

"And she's impulsive. I don't want to return and immediately have to start putting out fires."

"The new agent, the one who cooks." Everyone liked a good cook, so he'd probably survive, and he hadn't had much time to build a reputation on the surface, so he wouldn't be popular enough to usurp Walter or enough of a threat for Otto to attack. "If he won't give you your job back, you can give him detention for however long his human cover is still in high school."

"Absolutely not." Walter took out the fountain pen he used as a fidget tool. Tiffany had caught the flicker of red and gold in his eyes. "Otto would – Jim doesn't have the experience for anyone to respect his authority yet."

"Jennifer Smith, then." She practically ran Omni-Reach Travel already, so it wouldn't even be that much of stretch for her.

Walter's hands stilled and his expression softened as he considered. "Perhaps."

Tiffany's phone rang before she could think of any other recommendations. She checked it on reflex. A patient, probably having something of a crisis considering the time. She could leave it for her answering machine, but, 5:30 was late enough in the morning to justify the ringing phone waking her up and her being coherent about it.

"I should take this."

Walter nodded, still looking thoughtful. Tiffany put on a yawn as she answered, and watched Walter out of the corner of her eye to see how long it took him to yawn back.

"Hello?"

"Ah, good morning Dr Archenn. This is Nancy Domzalski. I was expecting your answering machine."

Walter yawned. He didn't open his mouth wider than a slit, but Tiffany saw his jaw move. Eleven seconds.

"I was just starting to wake up," she lied. "How can I help you?"

"I was hoping to reschedule my grandson's next appointment. Do you have any sooner times available?"

Dr Archenn reviewed her mental notes. Tobias Domzalski, age fifteen. No, wait, sixteen. Still fifteen? He turned sixteen soon if he hadn't already. Initially brought in for grief counselling, having lost his parents at a young age; continued to meet with her because Nancy didn't want to take him away from a therapist he had already built up trust and rapport with, in case he needed further help in the future; stress-related compulsive eating; family history of clinical depression; next appointment scheduled in three weeks.

"I'll have to look over my schedule and get back to you." She had it programmed into her phone and hadn't figured out how to check it without hanging up on a phone call. She had it physically written down as well, but that book was in her office.

"Of course," said Nancy. "I … I don't believe he's in immediate trouble, it doesn't have to be today … but I do think sooner would be best."

+=+

Previous Chapter (The school play happens)

Table of Contents

Next Chapter (The kids try a new strategy for convincing Vendel their families are trustworthy)

Technically I don't think Tiffany should've been answering a call related to her practice while someone else was in the room, per the terms of patient confidentiality and all that, but Tiffany already discloses things about her patients to the Janus Order as she deems it necessary, so she's not all that concerned about the ethics of her behaviour here.

Nancy does not think Toby is delusional. She thinks he's frightened and stressed and hesitant to tell her why (all of which is true) and so is reaching out to someone she thinks will be able to help him.

I have decided that Nancy currently has at least five cats. There's the Siamese and Persian that Toby mentions in the show (upon AAARRRGGHH telling him he smells like cat, "My Nana has a Siamese," which might also be the cat we saw getting food levitated out of its bowl when Jim summoned the armour for the first time; later, watching Jim train, Toby gives AAARRRGGHH a paper bag with "dander from my Nana's Persian, and a couple of hairballs"), a calico, probably an orange tabby, and maybe a tuxedo cat – that's a particular form of black and white patches, both common and cute. Any cats of other description confirmed to be hers in the Tales of Arcadia franchise at a later time were simply not in the room during this chapter.

I want to keep Otto in the story but it's getting trickier to justify why Walter isn't trying to kill him off while he has the opportunity. Thoughts?

#Trollhunters #My Fanfiction #Becoming The Mask chapters #Tales of Arcadia #Monday is fanfic day!#Tobias Domzalski #dream sequence #Claire Nuñez #death and grief #cell phones #Gnome Chompsky #Changeling Jim #cats #Nana Nancy Domzalski #Walter Strickler #Changelings #Original Character

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osakaso5 · 5 years

Text

The Observant Celestial Pilgrim - Throne Of The Stellar

Chapter 2 - Eterno, The Star Of Fiery Sands

Chapter Index

Hope: Done locking up! I've got herbs in case my stomach starts to hurt, and I grabbed what little savings I have.

Hope: And my protective amulet... All set!

Hope: I haven't forgotten anything! I'll be on my way now, Master!

Master Blacksmith: Hold on now... Hope, you're not seriously going to leave, are you? Not with all that luggage.

Hope: ...I'm sorry that I can't keep working at your smithy.

Master Blacksmith: Stop pretending to be all grown up, apprentice. What I wanna know is if a brat like you really has the guts to travel the universe.

Hope: Curse is missing! I've searched all over Eterno, and I can't find him anywhere...

Hope: If he's not on Eterno, he should be on one of the other planets. I need to find him quickly!

Hope: He might be in trouble..!

Master Blacksmith: I get that you're worried because your foster father disappeared suddenly.

Master Blacksmith: But Curse is away on work travels all the time.

Hope: But I haven't heard from him in a whole month, and that's never happened before...

Master Blacksmith: Maybe he just got tired of looking after you?

Hope: ......!

Master Blacksmith: A sagely scholar like him isn't suited for a place like Eterno, right? He probably got fed up with this rough lifestyle and left.

Hope: Curse would never be so heartless!

Hope: He took me in because I had no parents, and we've been together ever since! The Curse I know would never..!

Master Blacksmith: I got it, calm down.

Master Blacksmith: ...Geez, you're always like this when it comes to Curse.

Hope: I'll make sure to find Curse and bring him back! I won't return to this house until I do.

Hope: Now, I'll finally be on my way!!!

Master Blacksmith: Ah, hey, Hope!

Master Blacksmith: Even if you go, you won't be able to afford the ship fares! Nobody's going to give a penniless kid like you a ride!

Master Blacksmith: Come back as soon as something happens to you! For Pete's sake...

- - - -

Whooooosh....

Hope: Phew... The sandstorms are worse than usual today. It's really hot, too...

Hope: But there's so many spaceships! And lots of people!

Hope: I came here on a whim, but it looks like I was right to choose the biggest port on Eterno.

Hope: There's so many ships that at least one of them has got to let me come on board. Maybe, if I tell them they can use me for any manual labour...

Hope: No, not "maybe"! I have to find one.

Hope: Wait for me, Curse..!

Hope: Alright! I'll do my best!

- - - -

Ship Crew: You're in our way! Scram!

Hope: Whoa..!

Thud

Hope: Owie...

Ship Crew: You've got some nerve kiddo, trying to get on our ship without pay.

Hope: Ah! Wait..!

Hope: ...And they're gone.

Hope: I just can't find a ship that'll take me. I've already tried most of the ones around here.

Hope: I won't find another harbour this big, but I guess I'll try my luck somewhere else...

Loud commotion...

Hope: ...Hmm?

Youngster: Thief! Someone stop him!

Hope: Thief!?

Youngster: Hey, wait! ...Make way..!

Thief: Hah, as if I'll letcha catch me, ya dunce!

Whoosh..!

Youngster: Ugh, I can't see anything in this sand cloud...

Youngster: Crap, where'd he go!? At this rate, the transaction fee will... Ah!!!

Passerby A: Huh, dog ears!? Or are they cat ears?

Passerby B: They suddenly grew out of his head!

Thief: Oh, so you're a beast-eared Bestian. Why dontcha go back to whatever circus cage ya crawled out of, beast!

Youngster: .......

Thief: Animals don't need money, anyhow. Us humans will put it to good use, hahaha...

Hope: Take this!!!

Thief: Uaaargh!

Thud

Thief: Lemme go!

Hope: No way! Give him back what you stole..!

Thief: Shit..!

Hope: Hey, you!

Hope: Look, I caught the criminal!

Youngster: .....!

- - - -

Youngster: Thanks for catching him. You really saved my hide.

Hope: Don't worry about it! It was all just good timing. I was in the right place at the right time.

Hope: Besides, I always make sure to do at least one thing to help my people everyday!

Youngster: But I'm not one of your people...

Hope: Doesn't matter, as long as you're on Eterno!

Youngster: ...I see. But I still want to thank you somehow. I'm really grateful for what you did.

Hope: Hehehe!

Youngster: I knew public order is bad on Eterno... But I wasn't expecting to deal with it right on arrival.

Youngster: It was shocking to find that there weren't even guards to hand that thief over to. Luckily there were those vigilantes, though.

Hope: All the outsiders who come here say the same thing. It's been like this ever since I was a kid, so I don't really get it.

Youngster: I see...

Hope: Our king died because of the war that happened a long time ago, too.

Hope: Apparently this planet wasn't as tough to live on before that. There wasn't nearly as much violence back then.

Youngster: But even in a place like this, there's still good guys like you.

Hope: Well, duh! There's lots of nice people here.

Youngster: Right. I guess where you're born doesn't really matter.

Hope: Exactly!

Youngster: By the way, I've been thinking for a while now...

Hope: Hmm?

Youngster: Could you stop staring at my ears?

Hope: Huh?

Youngster: Are Bestian beast ears really that rare?

Hope: Sorry! I couldn't help it... So you're from planet Bestia!

Youngster: ...Couldn't you tell?

Hope: I've never left Eterno, so it's my first time meeting a Bestian. And I've never seen those kind of ears, either...

Youngster: I'm thankful for your help, but I'm gonna have to ask you to stop staring so much.

Youngster: ...When people stare, I can't focus enough to hide them.

Hope: What? You're going to hide them? That's such a shame!

Youngster: Shame?

Momo: I mean, they're so cool.

Youngster: ...Cool? You mean these ears?

Hope: They're so silky and pretty, and the way they're kinda drooping looks neat!

Hope: They really suit you. So I couldn't help staring!

Youngster: .........

Youngster: Not everyone feels the way you do.

Hope: Really? Then they must be pretty weird.

Youngster: You're the weird one here.

Hope: Whaaat!?

Youngster: .........

Hope and the Youngster: Pfft.

Hope and the Youngster: Ahahahaha!

Coda: My name is Coda. Mind if I ask what yours is?

Hope: I'm Hope! Nice to meet you.

Coda: Hope, thanks a lot for earlier. I was just about to go gloat to our leader about today's profits.

Hope: ...Leader?

Man: Yeah, that's right. We're part of a caravan called Burst Roar. We travel around the galaxy.

Hope: ....!

Coda: Fang!

Fang: Hey, Coda. Looks like you got completely wrecked.

Coda: You're always popping in out of nowhere. How long have you been watching me, anyway? If you saw everything, then you could've helped.

Fang: I was going to. But a certain brave young boy got ahead of me.

Hope: ....!

Fang: Thank you, Hope. You've done a great favor to our caravan.

Fang: I'm Burst Roar's leader and ship captain, Fang.

Hope: Burst Roar... Captain..!

Coda: We travel around the planets, trading. Though we rarely come to Eterno.

Coda: It's not like Eterno has any particularly valuable materials to import... Ah, sorry.

Hope: .......

Coda: Hope? You're not mad... are you?

Hope: Um!

Coda: Whaagh!?

Fang: What is it, Hope?

Hope: I need to ask you guys something... No wait, I mean, I have a request!!

Hope: Please, let me come aboard your ship... Let me on Burst Roar!!

To be continued...

#idolish7 #celestial pilgrimage #translation #extra

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youngwidowofbrooklyn · 6 years

Text

Heads. In front of people.

This week I did something I’d never done before. I stood on a stage and read something that I wrote in front of a crowd. The assignment was to create a piece seven minutes in length that somehow related to the concept of “Heads.” I went through several drafts, beginning with the notion of “Heads versus Tails” and ending up somewhere very different. Below is the first draft I wrote.

--------------

Heads.

Heads or tails. Right and wrong. Up and down. Here or there. Kill, fuck, or marry. Death is not an option.

Life is all about choices.

Two roads diverge, and which do you choose? Robert Frost, the pretentious fuck, chose the road less traveled and la-di-da for him.

Meryl Streep, dear Sophie, said to the Nazis “Take my girl!” and regretted her choice for the rest of her life. {Spoiler alert: Did she? I actually never saw “Sophie’s Choice” but I can never miss an opportunity to reference it}

It’s a matter of life and death, make a choice, the beginning or the end. The choice our protagonist makes at the beginning of the novel that sends her on an unexpected journey, and the courageous choice our hero makes at the end of the film to stay and fight and save the poor villagers when the odds are stacked against them.

We love to talk about beginnings and ends. Heads and tails. There’s romance in the newness of a fresh perspective, and there’s cathartic closure that comes in the resolution.

But that’s all bullshit. I call “heads” and we wait, collectively as the coin flips in the air, and some of you - you fuckers - are silently whispering to yourself, “Be tails, be tails, be tails.” And a moment later the reveal comes, and it’s all over. I’m either a winner or a loser. Well, the joke’s on you because I don’t choose. I’m fucking both.

I used to be a person who believed in right and wrong. I used to believe in good guys and bad guys. I used to have been a person who hadn’t experienced much living yet.

2014 was the year after my son was born. It was two years after I’d finally made a the decision to try to have a child before time ran out. In the what seemed like the last moment, we chose to make another person, my husband and I. And as soon as we got pregnant, we had revealed our secret doubts about this choice we’d made. Could we do it? Could we actually put ourselves second and raise a human being up to be good?

My husband was more nervous than I was, for reasons he’d have to explain, I won’t try to armchair analyze his neuroses. Whenever I had moments of doubt, I was always fortified by the knowledge that my kid would get to have my husband as a dad. My husband: impossibly cool, practical, fastidious, kind and quiet.

My husband: in many ways the yin to my yan. He from a freakishly functional and loving family of educated Southern Democrats. The kind of people who call each other to….talk to each other, because….they love each other? And…are genuinely curious about how each other are feeling?

Me: I’m a fucking Tasmanian devil of skinned knees and dirty socks thrown on the coffee table. Me, the spontaneous one, the one who laughs too loud at shows and gets stink eye from other audience members, who can’t remember to pay bills on time and will jaywalk across streets without looking EITHER WAY, and who has broken a two twice this year, just walking around and not walking where I’m going.

My son’s name - no shit, this is true - my husband thought of his name, and we agreed on it primarily because, as he said, “It sounds really good when you angrily yell it.” And it does. That’s my husband. The practical one, the one much better at planning for the future than me.

So, anyway. 2014. The summer before our son turned 1. The summer that my husband first noticed the blue-black bruises of unexplained origin on his leg, that left his doctors scratching their heads.

After weeks of tests, they admitted to the hospital - about three weeks before our baby turned 1. They needed time to make a diagnosis to figure out what was wrong and how to correct it and he had to stay in Mt Sinai Hospital in Manhattan while they figured it out.

I’m not here to talk to you about my husband’s illness, though. I’m here to tell you about the year that I spent - every day - making an impossible choice. You see, here’s the thing, the only thing they knew for a very long time was that my husband’s immune system had been blown to smithereens. And when you have no immune system the last person you should have contact with is a tiny drooling person who doesn’t obey simple commands and who carries a bag full of human waste with them at all times.

One year. Every day, I had a choice to stay with my amazing baby boy and watch him take his first steps, say his first words and inch closer and closer to the funny, smart and silly dude that he turned into. Or, to take two subway trains and one bus from our Brooklyn apartment to the upper east side of Manhattan to put on a hospital gown, a mask and latex gloves to play countless hands of gin rummy with my quarantined husband.

Heads or tails. Every day. Life or death? Every day I chose, and every day I regretted my choice. Sitting on the subway hurtling underground toward one half of my heart and away from the other.

Head or tails. How do you choose when those are the stakes? When both options will break your heart?

That year concluded almost exactly a year later, two weeks before my son’s birthday. My year of impossible choices ended like this:

Me and a stable of doctors in a shabby waiting room on the 11th floor. Something something this infection has made it’s way to his head. Blah blah irreparable brain damage. There are two options. Which do you choose, m’am, as power of attorney?

Well, here’s the wisdom I have to impart to you after a year of playing heads or tails with those stakes. Choose whatever. There’s no right or wrong. Choose the road most traveled, for all it fucking matters. Just keep your fucking head out of your phone, walk to the right side and let the fast walkers pass you on the left side when you do, for Christ’s sake.

Your choices in life take only moments. The beginning of the book is one sentence. The end of the film is one scene.

It’s all the shit you do in between those choices that really matter.

Choose to look at the people around you. Choose to call your brother just to ask him how he’s doing even though he never even called you to offer his condolences. Choose to forgive yourself for all the times you chose wrong. Choose heads. Or tails. Or both. Or neither. And in between all those choices, choose kindness, always.

------------

This was my first pass on the topic, and I sat on it for about a week, before attempting to sculpt it into something that felt more honest and less manipulative.

This was the version that came next.

------------------

I did not choose heads. I chose tails. Didn’t matter, though because I was actually assigned heads in this round of “Head vs. Tails,” which - ironically - seems to imply that a person has freedom to choose.

I did not choose to be here, either. Here in my life, this is not what I chose for myself. I chose an alternate version of my life. I chose the thing that so many of my peers and people in my age group choose: to get married, to have a child, to settle down, and by virtue of those choices avoiding the hellscape of online dating and the possibility of growing old alone, with only my collection of cats and parakeets to keep me company.

That’s what I chose for myself. But the universe chose something else.

So. Heads or tails? You want the good news first or the bad? You’re going to hear both, so it’s not really a choice. But isn’t it nice to feel like your preferences matter in this great big fucking universe that - lets face it - hardly even notices whether you exist or not?

So, tails it is. Bad news first, which is lucky because it allows me to end on an uplifting note. And everyone loves a happy ending, right?

The bad news is that your choices don’t matter. But that doesn’t mean not choosing is an option. You must. You must keep going, you must keep choosing. Even if you choose wrong over and over again. In fact, the ultimate paradox is that even in not choosing you still have made a choice. I’m aware that I am paraphrasing a lyric from a Rush song, and even though I think they are a shitty band, I cannot argue with their logic.

If you know me, then you are thinking to yourself right now, “Oh shit, Jen’s gonna stand on stage and talk about when her husband died and left her widowed and alone to parent their toddler.”

Heads or tails. Every day. Life or death? Every day I chose, and every day I regretted my choice. Sitting on the subway hurtling underground toward one half of my heart and away from the other.

He didn’t choose that fate. Neither did I. We collectively called “Tails!” as the coin spun in the air, “Tails! We choose to beat this and grow old together and one day tell our grown son, TOGETHER - about the most surreal and scary adventure that our little family went on and how we beat it - we beat the big, scary monster that was a terrifying and rare disease, and an army of apathetic and jaded New York hospital staff members! That’s our choice! And when the coin finally landed, the universe hollered back, “It’s heads, fuckers.”

That was two and a half years ago. I struggle regularly with how to exist in a world where my own personal “worst case scenario” has already played out. I look at older couples walking together and know that it won’t be us. I see children on an outing with their fathers and - okay, first I think how fucking lucky that mother is that she has a fucking moment to herself, is she taking luxurious bath now? Or sleeping? Oh jesus christ I miss sleeping like I can’t even tell you

- and after that passes I think to myself, “What did my kid do to deserve this fate? He didn’t get a single, fucking daddy and son outing and it’s not fucking fair to do that kind of shit to a child!”

In my darkest hours I feel like a walking example of the life that no one wants to live. Sometimes the weight of my grief collapses square into my chest and turns me into the world’s saddest navel gazer. I stand here before you, the central character of the saddest story of all time: The Tragic Tale of The Young Lover Who Had and Then Lost Everything. The title is long, I know, but apt.

But as I promised, there is good news, too. And the good news is that your choices do not matter.

The universe is so vast and we are so tiny and very little of what we say or do matters all that much.

I know expect me to have a very bleak world view at this point. But I don’t. I promise you. I have found a freedom in knowing that the universe will not change irreparably with the choices that I make.

I am one tiny part of the universe. My grief is nothing compared to some people in other corners of this planet. I have lost one half of my heart. Yes. But I have also known love in a true and profound way and I am a better person for it.

I am a heartbroken person. Yes. But every day, I choose to be happy. I choose to have things to look forward to. I choose to laugh with my child.

The universe isn’t watching to make sure I’ll be okay. The universe will be just fine if I collapse and disappear. I could drink myself to sleep every night and stumble through my waking life. I could choose to let relatives raise my child. I feel like many people would understand if I did.

But I do not choose that path. I choose to get up. Again. And again. The universe expects me to choose “Heads.”

Fuck you, Universe. I choose “Tails.”

-----------------

And I liked that draft just fine. But, as the date of the performance approached, I began to like it less and less. So with less than a day left, I endeavored to come at the topic from a very different approach. This is where I landed, and this is what I stood onstage and said. It feels like exactly what I wanted to say, in a way that I wanted to say it, to talk about my pain, my fumblings at being a good person, without asking for pity and by making fun of my sadness - mostly because that’s the only way I can bear it myself. Here it is, the final version, for all of my friends who could not be there to hear me say it out loud.

----------------

According to my tax returns, I am the head of my household, but this is surely an error. I am, in no way qualified to head up an entire household, let alone one containing myself, a small child and four small domesticated animals besides.

I plan to appeal this decision to the highest authorities, if need be. The following is a list of reasons why I should be removed from this position post haste.

1. I have totaled two cars and one bicycle, so far.

2. Assuming I was the most qualified person for the job, I have pierced my own ears, and my nose, several times, using safety pins, sewing needles and other pointy and unsanitized instruments.

3. I believe that food you do not pay for has zero calories.

4. I am suspicious of blonde haired people.

5. I have broken my arm three times over the course of my life, broken a toe twice in the past year, required stitches to close a gash in my wrist after being locked out of my apartment and deciding the prudent way to regain entry was to punch through the glass panel in the front door, and I once got high and laughed so hard for so long at my then-boyfriend saying the word “Snarf,” that I actually bruised my lung and had to be treated at an emergency room.

6. I consistently walk across intersections without looking in EITHER direction.

7. I am 42 years old, and I have not yet mastered the art of not peeing in my pants during awkward social interactions.

8. I once got high on Rush’s tour bus.

9. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I strongly believe that it is possible that I could be killed by a great white shark that someone put in a swimming pool as a prank.

For these reasons I feel I should be exempt from consideration for head of anything. I have throughout my life exhibited a pattern of irrational behavior and poorly conceived ideologies. I cannot - no matter how many reminders I put in my phone - remember to pay my bills on time. No matter how much I want to be an organized and orderly person, my home is still a mess of dirty socks on the coffee table and dishes are not loaded into the washer until I’ve resorted to eating cereal out of a vase with chopsticks.

If - for some inexplicable reason - the aforementioned anecdotal evidence I’ve presented is insignificant to persuade you of my poor qualifications for this title, please allow me to submit one final fact about myself. It concerns the manner in which I became head of my household.

Two years, six months and nine days ago. I was sat in a shabby waiting room on the 11th floor of Mount Sinai Hospital. Across from me sat three doctors, a nondescript white man, a south asian man, who did most of the talking, and a white woman with blonde hair (pause) who looked ready to burst into tears at any moment. They called me “Mrs. Bateman” - which was confusing because that’s my mother in law, not me.

“As you know, Mrs. Bateman, your husband began showing signs of confusion two days ago, and we’ve been working to diagnose the precise cause of it. Something-something an infection, Ma’am. This infection has made it’s way into his head. We’ve done some tests, and so on and so forth, and given the size of his pupils at this point, blah blah irreparable brain damage. So, Mrs. Bateman, we have to ask you - what would you like us to do? Did your husband ever discuss....etc., etc.?”

They asked ME these questions. As if I could be trusted with something of this magnitude. I don’t read operating instructions. I don’t save receipts. I don’t balance my checkbook.

Suddenly, it was up to me to say “I don’t think he would want this.” My husband who - incidentally - as the son of two educators, LOVED doing homework, was maddeningly meticulous and always paid our bills on time, had a 401K and great health insurance, HE was the head of the household. He was the brains of our operation. I was the often misguided but usually well-meaning heart of it. Not only am I not equipped to replace him, but I cannot bear that my first order of business in doing so was to give my permission for him to die.

So you see, surely there has been some sort of clerical error. It should have been me. I should have been eaten by a shark in a pool.

Because if that would’ve happened, sad as he would’ve been, my husband would’ve known what to do after. He was always much better at planning for the future than I was.

I can tell you for sure that HE wouldn’t have put MY ashes in a ziplock baggie that he accidentally let burst inside his purse.

Of course, it is possible that the authorities will reject my plea to step down from this post I did not campaign for. I do have a contingency plan, in that event.

I look at my son. Four and a half years old now, he is. Blonde haired. And in his face, I see his father, as everyone who knew his father does. I see his calm reason and his reassurance in my panicked moments and in my grief that everything is going to be okay. Even if it’s hard. Even if it seems like it will never be okay again. And I remind myself that even though it does not come natural to me, it does not FEEL like it is me, I do know how to be sensible, practical, to not make rash or reckless decisions. I know how because these are the ways in which my husband balanced me. And if I close my eyes, I can still see him inside my head, telling me what he would do if he were here.

And so, if I must claim the title of head of household, head of my family, chief decision maker, I know that I am not doing it alone. He’s still here and I accept the title in his honor.

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lightningnose · 6 years

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Puddleshine, Juniperclaw, Whorlpaw, Grassheart, Ratscar, Harestar, Minnowtail and Mallownose for genetics, story and name change (I know they are a lot, choose whichever you want if they are too much!)

Hello again! They’re certainly not too much. Thanks for the ask. Let’s get started. :)

–

Ok, let’s start with Puddleshine. Poor boy in a spot he never ought to be in. He’s described as brown with white splotches. His mother Pinenose is listed as solid black, and his father is a big dark brown tom with tufty fur on his head… Hmm, well, the brown is fine. If we assume his dad is solid chocolate and that Pinenose carries for chocolate, then Puddleshine could be the same. Of course, the white spotting is gong to have to go… Unless we have Puddleshine sired by someone who isn’t Spikefur. However, I’ll just keep it simple. So we’ve got a solid chocolate tom… Hmm, well, a dark brown prefix for sure, and one that doesn’t mandate stripes. It’s possible Spikefur could be a tabby, and indeed it is more likely, but if his markings are so insignificant that they’re never mentioned, I doubt that Puddleshine is going to have any notable markings himself. Otter- is appropriate, and has water connections, same as Puddle-! As for a suffix, the poor cat in canon was dragged into being Medicine Cat despite not wanting to be in such a role. To me, that indicates a passionate belief in doing things to help the Clan, no matter what. That makes him a likely -heart candidate, perhaps a quieter one who, while not quite in your face, is nonetheless stalwartly devoted to his views and who doesn’t change his mind easily.

Now, I haven’t put him into my current verse… But we have seen, through another activity of mine, that other universes with different events take place. So perhaps this tom exists in another world; perhaps the one in which Maplewhisker did become Leader?

In such a verse…Otterkit is born to a ShadowClan molly named Shadenose (solid black) and her mate, Eaglefur (large chocolate mackerel tabby with very faint markings). Otterkit (solid chocolate) has three littermates: two brothers named Birchkit, a pale grey mackerel tabby, and Lavenderkit, solid pale grey, as well as a sister, Mosquitokit, a small and faintly marked light black tabby. He and his littermates grow up with dreams of Warriorhood, and it isn’t terribly long until they all become Apprentices at the proper age of six moons. Driven by a desire to help the Clan, Otterpaw strives to hone all vital Clan skills. He even studies under the Medicine Cats, Littlecloud and Firetail, because who knows when those skills might come in handy? Of course, since ShadowClan doesn’t have a a Medicine Cat crisis, there’s no need to force this tom to give up on his dreams. Nevertheless, he maintains a steady devotion to his beliefs. Despite his quieter nature, he nonetheless becomes Otterheart. Mosquitokit becomes Mosquitonose, while Birchkit and Lavenderkit become Birchfur and Lavenderfur. Alas, Birchfur decides he’d be happier elsewhere, so he leaves the Clan to live life as a loner. Surprisingly, Eaglefur goes with him. Pinenose is disappointed, but ultimately sends them off herself, hoping that they’ll be happy and that they’ll reunite with her in StarClan. Otterheart is devoted to doing his best by the Clan, no matter what the other Clans think of it.

–

Next in line is Juniperclaw. His mother is Dawnpelt, a cream cat, and his father is Crowfrost, who is black and white. Now, I have made versions of Dawnpelt, Tigerheart, and Flametail. They’re currently Kits born to Cherryheart and Rookface. I’ve already mentioned Flametail –> Firetail above. Dawnpelt has been made a tortoiseshell named Commakit. Now then, Commaclaw will have Kits, but not by a fellow Clanmate. Despite being of recent ThunderClan blood, she still thought it’d be a mighty fine idea to hit up Privetfoot of RiverClan (currently Privetkit, born to Ashfoot and Swanstep) for some more fresh blood. Privetfoot is happy to oblige to a no strings attached coupling for the sake of spreading some fresh blood around, and they come to a mutual agreement that all Kits will be raised with Commaclaw in ShadowClan. Commaclaw, a black and ginger tortoiseshell with long fur, has two sons and a daughter with Privetfoot, who is short-furred epistatic white covering blue ticked tabby. The daughter is solid white, like her father, though the solid white covers dilute (blue + cream) ticked tortoiseshell tabby, and is named Sheepkit. One son is a dark ginger ticked tabby with long fur. He’s named Skipperkit. The other, a bright cream ticked tabby with short fur, is named Gorsekit. Gorsekit is the remake of Juniperclaw. Because my verse has nothing to do with the whole Darktail nonsense, or whatever happens there, there’s no splinter group formed. Gorsekit, Sheepkit, and Skipperkit all prove to be fine Warriors. Sheepkit becomes a very valued Warrior named Sheepwhisker; for a Clan with the smallest amount of territory, any cat who can hunt well for them is cherished. Skipperkit surprises everyone. As a Warrior named Skippercloud, he makes the decision to go join RiverClan, feeling drawn to living so closely connected to the water (though not quite skilled enough to earn -stream, for ShadowClan does have access to water in which they can swim) and also desiring to get to know his blood father. Gorsekit, like his sister, remains in ShadowClan. He takes after his mother in skill and becomes Gorseclaw. Though he misses his brother and remains a bit salty that his brother chose the Clan and father he never knew over the Clan, mother, and siblings he did know, Gorseclaw doesn’t let his bitterness control him. He does, however, have some rather rough days during which he depends highly on support and not doing much. It could be said that losing his best friend has spurred the onset of the invisible illness which had plagued him, on and off, since his Apprentice days after that one especially rough leaf bare.

–

Next in line is … Whorlpaw. Who is named a pattern of spirals or circles. I guess this is the new and hip version of Spottedpaw…

Right, so, SkyClan in my verse died out. I think a visit to another dimension might help this case, too! A dimension in which SkyClan doesn’t die out, perhaps? And so there are five Clans in the forest. It’s a bit of a tight squeeze, and ShadowClan bothers SkyClan a lot more than they bother ThunderClan since now they’re neighbours, but SkyClan remains. This grey and white tom, in canon, is born to Grassheart, a pale brown tabby with glossy fur, and Stonewing, a solid white cat. Was he named for a white gemstone, or are there perhaps other white stones? I’m genuinely curious to know. Anyway! Beechheart (a fawn classic tabby) and Snowfoot (100% white spotting covering ginger spotted tabby) are two fine SkyClan Warriors, and they’re utterly in love. They end up having a litter, and prove happy as can be when their Kits are born. One daughter is a grey and cream spotted tabby tortoiseshell with about 50% white, though she’s almost entirely grey tabby and white on account of having very few flecks of cream. She’s named Ploverkit. Another daughter is a very well-mottled tortoiseshell spotted tabby, about half black spotted tabby and half ginger spotted tabby. She has white tuxedo markings, and is named Spottedkit for her striking markings. The tomkit is grey spotted tabby and white, a bicolour like Ploverkit. He’s named Dapplekit. The three grow, close as could be with each other despite their differing personalities. Ploverkit becomes a full-time Nursery aid named Plovertail; she was offered -flower, but since she was also offered -tail (which is so much more prestigious among SkyClan), she didn’t even need to think through her decision. Spottedkit takes after her father and becomes Spottedfoot. She and her sister enjoy racing each other and honing their agility and speed together. Dapplekit, the quietest of the bunch, is happy to become Dapplecloud. He’s well-rounded in skills and very patient, though also ambitious. He spends as much time around the Elders as he can get away with; he loves learning from them, but must be reminded that there are other aspects of Clan life to learn about. He actually later becomes Medicine Cat, though only makes the transition as a Senior Warrior.

–

Grassheart is next, but I’ve already done her looks and rename above! A fawn classic tabby molly with glossy fur and hazel eyes, Beechheart was very much a -face and she knew it. With long legs, a limber figure, healthy fur, and pronounced tabby markings, it really was no surprise that she found herself with both a mate and a litter of Kits exactly four moons after her Warrior ceremony. Though they might be questioned for the practise, the fact of the matter is that SkyClan cats tend to get mates and have Kits very quickly. Ever-opportunistic and pressed for territory and prey, like ShadowClan, they handle it not by honing adaptability and resourcefulness as ShadowClan cats do. Rather, SkyClan strives to keep the population as close to maximum as possible. Not all Kits make it. Not all Apprentices make it. The goal is to get as many new bodies and members as quickly as possible, so that some illness or another won’t wipe out too many to save the Clan. In some universes, it didn’t work. In others, it worked just well enough. Beechheart had always been an avid defender of this strategy, and had even attempted to convince various ShadowClanners to follow after SkyClan in this manner! It was no surprise she was keen to make her words count as soon as she was legally able to. Snowfoot, swift and long-limbed and confident, had already been a dear friend of hers. The transition from best friends to mates and parents had been easy and natural. That, too, was no surprise. She happily doted on their litter, and though none of her progeny were quite as excited to produce more Kits, Beechheart nonetheless proved an enthusiastic grandmother when the time did come.

–

Ratscar is next! I never did make a counterpart for him, originally, in part because I had already made a ShadowClan molly named Ratheart and I didn’t especially want to move around prefixes to make another suitable arrangement. But now, he’s getting a placement!

In canon, he’s a dark brown tom with a distinctive long scar across his back. He has one family member, the canon verse’s prolific breeder Snowbird. Seriously, this molly produces nine named Kits in what appear to be three litters. And for some reason, in the book in which Snowbird’s mate first appears, he’s an Apprentice while Snowbird is already in the Nursery…and Snowbird was in the Nursery in the prior book which has no mention of Scorchfur… Did this tom first sire Kits when he himself was a Kit?!

Let’s change it up in this verse.

A ShadowClan patrol came across a very curious pair of cats at one point. Neither of the two were older than Apprentices; they seemed to be, perhaps, ten moons old. Older Apprentices in age. The molly was already pregnant.

Originally assumed to be mates, the patrol discovers that they’re siblings, in fact. The tom had been evicted from his birth clowder. He had been reunited with his littermate, his sister the pregnant molly, when the clowder had fallen apart as a result of a series of deaths. A tom made his claims and mated with various mollies to secure his position among the mollies who remained in his new territory, but disliking his character, she left soon after. She stumbled across her brother by chance, and they’ve stuck together ever since.

ShadowClan took them in. The tom was solid chocolate and a bit small, so he was renamed from Rat to Weevilpaw and was swiftly apprenticed. Not so for his sister Snow.

The fact of the matter was that Snow was fairly young and pregnant, and thus she needed much care and attention. A Clan cat her age should never be getting pregnant; she hadn’t been raised in a Clan. So, while Weevilpaw trained, Snow – who had opted to not be renamed until she properly began her training – had to contend with worried Elders, -flower cats, Nursery aids, and Medicine Cats alike. Not one day went by without as many cats as possible visiting Snow and checking up on her.

They were worried for her. Snow appreciated the level of care she received, understanding that though this Clan was full of independent and rather tough-love ideas, this was not a Clan so hard-hearted that they didn’t fear for a molly who in their eyes would never have gotten pregnant so young had she been born among them.

The Kits were born two moons later. It proved to be an exhausting birth, and Snow had needed help from a mostly white molly with patches of black and ginger, devoted and experienced in all matters of motherhood, named Brightflower. Three Kits were born, all small but ultimately alive. The first to see them besides Brightflower and Snow was Weevilpaw.

Every day, Weevilpaw brought prey to his sister, and then regaled her with stories of training, of Clan history and lore he had been taught, of new friends he had made. He proved a devoted brother, as well as a devoted uncle to his nieces. He also proved devoted to all matters relating to the Nursery and to all Apprentices, and earned the trust and respect of even mighty Brightflower.

All of ShadowClan mourned heavily when Lightkit, the largest of the bunch but also the frailest, passed away. Snow was told that the Kit might become a Spirit Kit, or otherwise might join StarClan.

Snow realized that whatever this place was, with these cats, it had become a home for her. She thanked StarClan each night that she had been brought here, growing to become fervently devoted to them.

The other two, another solid white named Wisteriakit and a tortoiseshell mackerel tabby named Leechkit, made it to apprenticeship. Snowpaw, Leechpaw, and Wisteriapaw were apprenticed together. Recently named Weevilflower guided them as best as he could, while still helping as much as possible. Some ShadowClan Queens were prickly about having toms around the Nursery, though Weevilflower was well tolerated and, when forbidden access, focused his efforts instead on the Apprentices.

Snowpaw became a Warrior named Snowfur. Her troublesome birth left her weaker than she otherwise could have been, and she rarely left the camp. She found a niche for herself as a Den fixer, a storyteller, an herb sorter, even a teacher. No one judged her; any who knew how young she had been when she first joined was merely thankful that she had survived the ordeal. She, like her brother, befriended Brightflower strongly, and mourned her eventual passing for an incredibly long time.

Wisteriakit became a Warrior named Wisteriafang. Her Clan’s fight was her fight, her Clan’s hunger was her hunger, and her Clan’s needs were her needs. She was incessantly devoted, though perhaps a bit too keen to prove herself.

Leechkit became a Warrior named Leechstorm, proving as well-rounded in skill as any Warrior could dream of being despite her rather turbulent nature.

Lightkit became a Spirit Kit. She often visits her mother and sisters, though she also enjoys pestering various Leaders and Deputies with advice and stories.

Weevilflower was just as thankful as his sister and nieces that he had come across the ShadowClan patrol on that fateful day. He remains devoted in his duties and unflinching, even in the face of injury. He serves the Apprentices, the Queens, and the Kits with the devotion of any proper parent. It was hardly a surprise when he found himself with a mate, Embercloud, and soon a litter of Kits: Whimbrelkit, Sloekit, Redkit.

All in all, his life turned out about as well as it possibly could have. He doesn’t want to imagine how life might have turned out if he had instead had to cope with losing his sister and being unable to care for any Kits of hers himself, alone.

–

Ah, yes. Harestar, a brown and white tom. He doesn’t exist in my verse, but he can certainly exist in some other verse. I don’t think I’ll be making him Leader, though; his qualifications are questionable, given the timing of his Deputy appointment and his ‘earning’ of his first Apprentice.

Anyway! He has no canon relations, so I’ll have to make some up. Let’s see now… His mother is Dipperpelt, a rather large black molly with white tuxedo markings, green eyes, and short fur. His father is Cloverpelt, a cream mackerel tabby with hazel eyes. Harekit, a black mackerel tabby tom with white tuxedo markings, short fur, and eventual green eyes, is born alongside his sister Newtkit, a tortoiseshell with white paws, hazel eyes, and oddly for WindClan, she has long fur. Harekit and Newtkit try to get along, but sometimes it just doesn’t work out. Harekit is confident, outspoken, and rather cocky; he adores himself and is convinced that he’s special. His father, too coddling and inexperienced with parenthood, encourages the behaviour. Newtkit is ambitious, level-headed, cautious, but also rather serious and not at all playful like her brother. That, too, is passionately encouraged by Cloverpelt. A competition results out of each kit wanting to impress their parents, easily impressed Cloverpelt and difficult to impress Dipperpelt, more than the other. This competition takes them in different directions. Harepaw trained to become a Warrior, and seeks gallantry and fame. He makes a name for himself by earning his Warrior Name first, and becomes Haretail for his profound agility. Newtpaw becomes a Warrior, too, but a more calculating Warrior. Like her mother, she’s reserved and focused. She becomes Newtclaw. Haretail is known and is, overall, well-liked. He seems to think he’s won every competition. It remains to be seen if he and Newtclaw, ever-devoted to her work and not caring in the least bit that Haretail has fathered not one litter of Kits, but two (one in WindClan and another in ThunderClan, both products of one night stands), could ever reconcile. They’re happy, though, and perhaps that’s all that matters in the end.

–

Minnowtail of RiverClan! She doesn’t exist in my main verse, but a version of her does exist in an rp I’m doing with another friend, the owner of @fan-clan-fun! However, I think I’ll do something different with her here.

Her mother, in canon, is Dawnflower, a very pale grey molly. Canon Minnowtail has no canon father. That decided, let’s see what to do with her…

Dawnflower’s pregnancy hadn’t been a notable surprise, neither had been the fact that she had decided to mate with not one loner, but two, to produce the Kits. Dawnflower’s first litter had fared poorly; only two Kits had been born, and neither one survived to apprenticeship. This time around, Dawnflower birthed four Kits.

One was a grey classic tabby with short fur and long limbs. He was named Pebblekit, and would grow into a Warrior named Pebblefoot.

One was a very pale molly, a blue smoke with long fur and a very bulky figure. Named Fogkit, she would become a Warrior named Fogheart.

One was a large and bulky black tabby, Whimbrelkit who would become Whimbrelflower.

The last was a dark grey classic tabby molly with white paws and a white belly. She was named Minnowkit.

Minnowkit had been adventurous as soon as she had been able to move properly. She had always gained a thrill out of exploring her world through climbing, wading, swimming, running. She was quick to develop a fondness for climbing in particular, though since RiverClan had few trees she had to make do with banks and rock outcroppings. Prone to mischief and rather hard-headed, it was no wonder she came to be known for a masterful ability to manage just about any terrain with relative ease. She didn’t like something as simple as a change of terrain getting in her way. Minnowtail has her eyes on the Nursery; she dreams of not just having Kits of her own, but also of creating another generation of pranksters so that the Clan will be extra cautious and aware. Needless to say, Minnowtail lives life on her terms, though she’s always full of love for her Clanmates. The same cannot be said for those outside of RiverClan; she’s especially scornful of those beyond and denied her loner heritage vehemently.

–

Last but not least, Mallownose! This one is interesting. He has a mother, Greymist, and a poorly named brother, Sneezecloud. He has a mate, Petalfur. Petalfur has a mother, a father, three littermates, and two younger siblings. Happily, Mallownose and Petalfur were introduced one book apart, and both were Kits in the Nursery together! This means their age difference can’t possibly be too large, since they’re also made Warriors in the same book – though, Petalfur as a 'paw is entirely MIA. It’s still better than a lot of canon couples!

Now, I haven’t actually made a version of Mallownose, though not out of spite! I simply felt I had too many RiverClan cats as it was without him. However, he can exist in another verse! Let’s see now…

Greycloud hadn’t quite expected to have Kits. It wasn’t that she didn’t know how they were made, she just hadn’t thought that a single occurrence could be enough to produce Kits. Of course, it was.

Fortunately for the grey classic tabby, she wouldn’t be undergoing the challenges alone. Her two closest friends, Mintface (pale grey tom with white tuxedo markings) and Icefoot (100% white spotting covering cinnamon tortoiseshell spotted tabby), found themselves expecting Kits together a moon after Greycloud moved into the Nursing Den.

Greycloud birthed two Kits, both toms. One was a grey and white bicolour she named Shrikekit, and the other, a light black classic tabby named Nightingalekit.

A moon later, Icefoot gave birth to four Kits. One was mostly white with a chocolate mackerel tabby tail, Yarrowkit. One was black spotted tabby with white, a bicolour named Duckkit. One was a fawn spotted tabby with white tuxedo markings, Muntjackit. The last, the only she-kit, a mostly grey and white bicolour with just a few flecks of cream, Heronkit.

Greycloud found her patience tested quite a bit by her two Kits. Shrikekit was curious, outgoing, and demanding. To add to this, Nightingalekit was easily distracted and very prone to up and darting after something without any kind of warning. Icefoot helped as much as she could, but she had her own paws full with her four Kits – though the number fell to three when Yarrowkit succumbed to a nasty case of greencough. Greycloud, luckily, earned much help from her Clanmates.

Nightingalekit proved to be swift and very easily distracted. Focusing was difficult for him and it was easy for him to start going; he often set off after whatever new and interesting object caught his attention. As soon as she was walking, Heronkit – loud and very much keen on warning the rest of the Clan when Nightingalekit was on the loose again, for her developing sense of pride demanded that she be the important one to keep Nightingalekit safe – joined on the dashes. She kept up with him easily, seeming to have inherited her mother’s speed. Nightingalekit was apprenticed first, being just a moon older, but Heronkit was swift to follow and once again, they could not be separated.

Time passed, and they were no longer Kits. Though easily distracted to the end, Nightingalepaw nonetheless maintained strong bonds with his mother and with his kithood playmates. He became Nightingalenose, taking after his mother even though he was also offered -foot, whereas his brother became Shrikecloud. Yarrowkit chose to go up to StarClan instead of becoming a Spirit Kit, but Duckkit, Muntjackit, and Heronkit all became Warriors: Duckfur, Muntjacwhisker, Heronfur. Heronfur and Nightingalenose were especially close.

It was, perhaps, only fitting that the two closest of friends jumped each other’s bones as soon as they were legally able. Heronfur moved into the Nursing Den, and gave birth two moons after becoming a Warrior. Nightingalenose took the teasing especially well; always quick-witted, he played along and took the teasing. His heart belonged to Heronfur; why should he hesitate to show it? Though they were both inexperienced, Icefoot, Greycloud, and Mintface all offered help, advice, support, and encouragement.

Three Kits were born to them. One, a dominantly ginger tortoiseshell named Sorrelkit. She will eventually become a Warrior named Sorrelstream. Another, a light grey tomkit named Jaykit. He will become a Warrior named Jayface. The last, a striking black tabby named Owlkit. He will become a Warrior named Owlnose, but in his verse, he will eventually change to being a Medicine Cat!

Nightingalenose and Heronfur couldn’t be happier.

–

And that’s that! I hope you enjoyed this delving into different universes. Thanks again for sending in this ask. :)

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innuendostudios · 7 years

Text

I Want It To Hurt: Thoughts on Night in the Woods

[massive spoilers ahead, but I’ll warn you before we get to them.]

I’ve been thinking a lot about the ending of Night in the Woods. Finished the game a couple weeks ago; it’s pretty much the only game I’ve managed time for other than 20-minute bursts of Nuclear Throne when I’m waiting for footage to render or just decompressing between obligations. I have a weird jumble of feelings about the game, many of them deeply appreciative and some... confused.

These capsule reviews aren’t meant to be any kind of consumer advocacy, but if you’re waiting for me to tell you whether or not you should play the game: yes. Whatever else I say, yes, you should go play Night in the Woods. You may not know what you think of it by the end, but if you’re the kind of person who reads my stuff, you aren’t going to regret playing it.

The game’s protagonist, Mae, seems exquisitely designed to remind a certain type of person of themself. I might be one of those people, or, at least, I was when I was Mae’s age. Mae is a 20-year-old college dropout living with her parents in her jerkwater hometown, unsure of what to do with herself and generally unwilling to talk about it. Her town's economy is drying up and it’s a lingering question whether it will still exist in a decade or two. Everyone’s out of work or working for less than they deserve. Most of her friends from high school are still there, working the same jobs, playing in the same bands, eating the same crappy pizza.

It’s horribly familiar. When I was 20, I was piddling around community college with no motivation to transfer to a university. My dad had been laid off during the pre-Recession recession and hadn’t seen comparable pay since. I spent most of my time hanging out in coffee shops in my own jerkwater town, chatting up all the kids who’d never moved away, killing time. I worked my first job at the video store that was also a liquor store, around the corner from the hardware store that was also a deli. Our local businesses were also dying, save the few that secured a spot on Main Street, though by the time I was 20 my town was becoming a bedroom community for San Francisco and, instead of turning into vacant buildings, the local shops were getting muscled out by Peet’s Coffee and Jamba Juice. We even had our own parallel to NITW’s annual Harfest, but we called it Pumpkin Festival.

Admittedly, I was never a delinquent like Mae, and never managed to play in a band, even badly, so the sequences when I got to smash fluorescent lightbulbs and play bass were a kind of wish fulfillment (Mae’s bandmates sound for all the world like they’re covering Joy Division). And it’s moments like these that create the simple pleasures of Night in the Woods. It’s a game where stealing pretzels to feed to some rats you found in an abandoned parade float constitutes a major time sink and a minor, beautiful victory. Like, maybe I’m a fuckup but I can keep some rats alive and that’s not nothing. It’s a game where the conversation trees talk about the selling out of the working class, about punching fascists, about anarchy. It’s a game where the critical decisions you make are about who you want to hang out with on a given evening. (For the record: I agree that Gregg rulz ok but as soon as I realized that Bea didn’t like me very much I decided, oh no, I’m gonna make this girl my friend. So I saw pretty much none of Gregg’s or Angus’ optional content in my efforts to be best buds with Bea, and I regret nothing.)

So this game is something special. Play it. Let’s talk about the ending.

*SPOILER TOWN*

If I had sum up my overall impressions of Night in the Woods, I guess it’d be a more extreme version of my feelings on Oxenfree - somewhere over the course of the game I went from actively liking it very much to just kind of respecting it. Only more complicated than that.

OK, so Night in the Woods hints at a larger, darker plot from pretty early in the game, and such a thing was directly teased in the Kickstarter pitch, so by the time such things make their way into the game we’re all amply prepared for it. We’ve known all along that "there’s something in the woods.” I’m still not sure how to put into words my feelings on what that something is.

OK, OK, here goes: in the early stretches of the game, Mae has dreams that hint at what her mental state is up to, but as the game goes on, the dreams become more and more consistently about confronting giant animal gods. She also sees what appears to be a ghost man kidnap a kid at Harfest, but no one else sees this. Mae becomes convinced that there’s some kind of ghostly power that’s getting inside her head, while her friends worry that she’s cracking up. Still, they help her investigate various ghost stories around town, for her sake, and Mae’s health visibly declines and her dreams get more intense, until one night she finds herself communing with what may or may not be an utterly indifferent God who does not care about her or anything that lives on Earth.

Eventually, Mae and her friends track the ghost men into the woods and it turns out they’re not ghosts, they’re local men in hoods who are some kind of death cult. They believe they can keep the town from dying by kidnapping and sacrificing undesirables to the demon goat who lives deep beneath the old mines. They tell Mae that this is what’s been visiting her in her sleep.

So: Mae thinks she may be dealing with ghosts or God, the cultists think it’s a demon. Meanwhile, Mae’s friends think she may have some poorly-treated cognitive issues - turns out Mae had some kind of psychotic episode years back where she hospitalized a boy because she just couldn’t see other people as people anymore, and she’s been grappling with this disconnection for some time and going to college without good treatment may have made it all much worse. And maybe all this talk of careless gods and demon goats is just Mae dealing with the ugly parts of her own psyche.

Anyway, so Mae’s friends straight up shoot one of the cultists with a crossbow and then cause a mine cave-in that dooms the rest, which is, no matter how you slice it, a pretty sharp tonal shift from what most of the game has been. And, before escaping, Mae has a vision of sorts, where she feels herself sucked underground and once again confronting some kind of supernatural being.

And she just talks to it. She says she’s done disassociating from people. She knows that maybe nothing lasts, that maybe her friends will all drift apart and her town will die, but if that’s what’s going to happen, she wants to accept it. If everything disappears in the end, she wants it to hurt when it does.

The question, then: in this moment, are you, the player, talking to God? A demon goat? Or the dark parts of a mind in need of treatment? Or, a similar question: is the town dying because of the stagnation of wages, the shipping of jobs overseas, the failure of government to support small towns? Or is because the town needs to sacrifice to the beast that lives in the mines?

The game doesn’t have an answer for you. Instead, the game’s stance seems to be: whatever the answer, it’s out of your control. Be it economics, fate, religion, superstition, or mental illness, it is not a mystery you can solve, a villain you can shoot. It’s something you will have to live with, day by day. It is inexorable that, on a long enough timeline, everything ends. Maybe it doesn’t matter why. When you stare into a void, maybe it doesn’t matter whether you’re talking to God, a demon, or your own broken mind. Maybe what matters more is what you say.

You may never know the truth. So hold on to what’s good and live with uncertainty.

I feel like this is a very profound thing for a game starring an anthropomorphic cat to say. I also can’t shake that it felt more profound when I typed it out just now than when I experienced it myself.

As a person from a jerkwater town, who’s spent his entire adult life working his ass off and yet perpetually broke, who’s spent the last five years grappling with depression and anxiety and the radical acceptance it takes to know that his thoughts can sometimes be extremely alien to him, and who has walked the long path from Christianity to wishy-washy agnosticism to weary atheism, I feel this moment should have slugged me in the gut. I can’t think of a single game that would say such things, and I can’t think of a game that seems more explicitly tailored to my sensibilities and experiences.

But while I respect the hell out of Night in the Woods’ ultimate message, I still feel conflicted about how it plays out. I don’t think the game is wrong to veer into odd genres at the end - so many of its themes are internal and philosophical that literalizing them in order to build to a climax feels like a smart decision. I don’t know if it’s that the game spends such a long time raising questions and then kind of rushes the answers. I don’t know if it’s that Mae and her posse seem a lot more credible cracking wise and worrying about money than shooting people with crossbows. It’s certainly hard for a game about normal people with normal problems to throw in highly abnormal problems for the final hour.

I don’t know if I maybe just need to play it again.

I feel like the more I think about the ending, the better I understand it, but I still can’t say with confidence that I like it. And my appreciation of the game seems deeply rooted in the front half and not the final third.

And I don’t know when I’ll have time to go back in and play it again. For now, I’m glad I played it once. Whatever it was, it was certainly something.

#capsule review #night in the woods #adventure games

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icespyders · 7 years

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opposing lawyers au? single parent au? doctors au? thunderstorm cuddles? celebrity crush au? buddy cops au? marry someone to piss of parents au?

YELLS VERY LOUD…THANK YOU OMG THESE ARE SO FUN!!! alright these ones are gonna be under a cut bc. well. you should know me by now.

opposing lawyers au: i’m torn bc it’d be equally fun to have, like, non-romantic rivals in these roles and the entire fic is just them talking shit (i’m not a big rarepair person so that definitely limits me in au plotting, lmao, i just dig weird friendships so much more than actual proper rarepairs!!) and also pitting an otp against each other and having belligerent sexual tension that will get the characters lectured by their respective HR departments. or! they’re competing within the same firm and both trying to get ahead so it’s more of an office drama, which would lead to a funny ensemble cast, which is always a win in my book

oh dude bokuaka could be fun for this, bc akaashi is a smartass by-the-book kinda guy who looks down on bokuto’s weirder strategies, but akaashi keeps underestimating how clever bokuto is and it infuriates him, and also kinda turns him on, and that infuriates him even further. or daisuga, too, i like the idea of them being rivals bc i have a funny feeling if they weren’t on the same team they’d just push each other’s buttons - daichi holds grudges over petty bullshit (sawamura “death to everyone who’s ever played basketball bc i’ve fought with their captain” daIchi tbh) and it’d just be too easy to irritate him for suga to resist doing it all the time.

if i get into non-romances pissing each other off in professional settings i’ll be here all night so i’ll spare you, but just know there are too many annoyingly-clever strategists in haikyuu who’d square off against each other excellently and it’s great

single parent au: true story, my sister and i have this very elaborate future domestic au about all our ships having kids, so, like, i love kid fics but having one of my own has ruined everyone else’s for me whoops. i can’t read anyone else’s bc i miss the babies i invented. buries face in hands. (but if you want to hear about that i have like a 30-page notes document so i’m happy to tell you about it)

aside from that i’ve vaguely plotted out a specific single parent au, i think (my sister and i are au machines, it’s a problem). we have one where daichi and suga hook up but then suga is daichi’s kid’s kindergarten teacher so the parent-teacher conference gets Real Awkward Real Fast. both of them try very hard to act professional and not ask “so like…we still on for a second date or…uh…”

doctors au: my immediate impulse when i saw this is to only make one of the characters a medical doctor and the other’s like. i don’t know a renowed geologist or smth. full on “dammit i’m a doctor, not a DOCTOR.” somehow they have wacky adventures. my brain wants me to x-files this and turn it into cryptid hunting shenanigans bc i shouldn’t be left to make aus past midnight. this is absolutely not what you meant when you asked me this, anon, but i don’t think i’m capable of writing a medical drama? i don’t watch that many, i lack a frame of reference. but you know what i don’t lack a frame of reference for. GHOST HUNTING. also MOTHMAN. catch me turning your prompt into gay “ghost adventures” somehow??

i have no idea what i’d write for this, i don’t think anyone wants me writing a doctors au. i think the closest i’d get is a future fic abt kyoutani being a veterinarian and he takes care of yahaba’s really fat cat and criticizes how fat it is and somehow they date. sorry omg this is not my best work, au-wise

thunderstorm cuddles: THIS IS A GOOD VIBE TOO…listen in my opinion all my ships should be cuddling all the time, or else what is the point. i really need to learn how to write short fluffy ficlets, i always end up turning everything i write into an absurdly long oneshot but writing ficlets sounds nice.

anyway! this is a lovely moment of vulnerability to work with; if you run with a childhood friends ship for this, it could demonstrate how well the two characters know each other, that they’re aware of the need for thunderstorm cuddles and happy to provide it. however, it’s also intriguing as a moment to allow greater understanding and closeness in a relationship that isn’t as familiar. it demonstrates one party’s willingness to let the other see them in an unflattering state and let themselves be comforted. man i could do this for any ship, i really adore finding these little, understated moments of love and letting them cement a relationship, and also i’m weak to mild hurt/comfort where nobody is really hurt, haha. i would write asanoya for this, they’re especially good for cuddling, i feel. they’re both afraid of storms but refuse to admit it to save face in front of each other but they eventually both cave and learn, oh hey, we’re both scared of storms, this works, and then cuddle under a big quilt and everyone is happy

celebrity crush au: i would love to get “celebrity crush” down to absolute minimum level, like, oh god, since when do i go to college with that one hot youtuber who i’ve watched for years, or, oh no, i TOTALLY thirst-follow that guy on instagram, i’ve watched videos of him bench-pressing stuff WAY TOO MUCH, or, fuck me it’s the bassist from that band that plays in the campus bar, etc etc. i think that’d be funny bc it’s not even like you’re harboring a crush on a movie star like a normal person and it’s even harder to approach a youtube crush by explaining “hey so you’re famous, a bit, to me at least, i’m sorry, i love your work, i promise i’m not creepy.” if i was writing this, circumstances would definitely force the characters together (class group project! train your new co-worker, who you’ll spend hours alone with henceforth! we’re in the same club, time for icebreakers!) and the character with the crush would either awkwardly hide it or awkwardly blurt it out, depending.

i actually do have a vaguely-arced au about characters in bands that play in the campus bar attempting to woo various bar patrons; this kagehina i wrote is in that universe and i’ve just never sat down to write the whole au, and that’s an ensemble piece so there’s a bunch of ships. i dig iwaoi for the instagram thirst-follow concept, or bokuaka. that thirst is real. i’m also getting attached to the idea of the celebrity crush being a new co-worker, like, the two characters work in the school bookstore and spend many hours alone with no one but books for company. i’d write a kuroken for that. kenma didn’t expect that cool youtuber to be such a nerd in real life. also he’s pretty sure internet people aren’t supposed to be hot in real life, what the fuck, this isn’t even FAIR. so he’s all brisk with kuroo to keep his distance bc he feels so awkward and kuroo doesn’t get what he did wrong. (answer: existing and being cute was his mistake)

buddy cops au: COOL! this is another one where i’d love a weird friendship over an otp, just for shenanigans’ sake. if i was writing this it’d be less law & order and more brooklyn 99 so comedy is key. i’m thinking like. kenma and lev, worst partners ever, who solve all their cases against all odds. suga and kageyama would be a fun working dynamic too, or any combo of competitive setters, although i think with many other setters there’d be more attempting to outdo each other. like partnering shirabu and semi would be a mess of passive-aggressive sniping amidst their detective work. oikawa and ushijima where they both think they’re the good cop but they’re actually both the bad cop and oikawa thinks ushijima isn’t human bc he never drinks coffee bc he says he doesn’t “need it” like what the hell, how does he even stay awake on shift, it’s unnatural.

and on a not-haikyuu note, i definitely had a fucking komahina buddy cop au at some point in the distant past, and i’ve always lowkey wanted to write a naegiri noir mystery where kirigiri is the mysterious detective and naegi is the inquisitive reporter tagging along and helping her with a case. dangan lends itself to shit like that since it’s already about investigating murders

marry someone to piss off parents au: oh boy would i love to combine this with a royalty au. oh BOY would i love to combine this with a royalty au!! some upstart crown prince decides to marry below their station just to stick it to The Man and falling in love somewhere along the way, bc marriage is a commitment and it takes effort and you can’t just do it for no reason, it’s not a means to an end. i just find it mildly hard to believe anyone in haikyuu is offensive enough to someone’s parent to pull this off, like, even the ones that look skeevy are actually honor roll students, you just can’t accomplish this in canonverse.

back to the royalty au, make it even better: the protag chases after the crown prince of the rival kingdom bc they’re sick of the constant fighting and border disputes and assorted nonsense, and also it’ll make their parents SO MAD. like romeo and juliet but nobody dies, they just fall in love and dare somebody to do something about it. i’d do kagehina for this, it’s hinata’s idea. “what if i just. married into their family? then we’d share everything, right? right?” he pipes up at a lame-ass strategy meeting talking about import taxes on the rivals, he’d rather be going on adventures but noooo he has to sit at a meeting, so he decides to put his foot down. and then he has to journey off to kageyama’s kingdom and somehow win his hand. that sounds fun as hell.

if i did make this canonverse, i feel like one character is essentially fake-dating the other to make the parents mad, like, they have an arrangement, the fake beau is getting free dinner out of it, but they end up charming the protag’s parents and instead of pissing them off the visit smooths things over and the protag character is really irritated but also kinda falling for the fake beau what the hell?? it all just completely backfires. give me ennotana for this. ennoshita hires the toughest-looking dude he knows to annoy his parents but his parents think tanaka’s a good influence on him, somehow. goddammit how dare he be so charming. this is nonsense.

thank you so much for letting me ramble incoherently, it’s 1:30 AM and this ain’t my best work but i had some giggles writing this so i hope you have some giggles reading it!!! :’)

#ask #anonymous #i love everyone who's sent me these prompts they're so fun god bless

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il00kup · 7 years

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i didn’t know where else to dump all of these thoughts

i haven’t gone onto this site and actually created a post in years, and yet it somehow signing in again made me break a smile. i scrolled through my bratty, spoiled, teen-angsty complaints that now seem so small, small enough to make me laugh. but, this wasn’t my main reason for returning after what feels like a decade; i just needed somewhere to type my feelings that wasn’t a blank microsoft word page, since staring at that blinking cursor on the white, wordless page gives me actual anxiety after 3 years of college. also, there’s something about tumblr that’s freeing; all of the grammar rules feel out the window and i can just write.

when i started my blog, i had recently found out i was the fourth generation of my family to have been diagnosed with depression, hence, “trend4″. i thought it was 1. a cool emo tumblr blog name, and 2. a way of actually talking about it since it felt like each time i approached a family member (who was probably diagnosed themselves) didn’t really want to discuss it. i always secretly didn’t like the name, though, because i felt like i shouldn’t use a diagnoses to define my blog or who i was as a person, really. it’s kind of ironic i kept it.

currently, i am a junior/senior in college studying speech-language pathology/audiology. i say “junior/senior” because despite transferring into the AUDSLP program my sophomore year (being a whole year behind), i somehow managed to graduate early. no, it wasn’t easy and to be honest i don’t know that it was even worth it. and that’s where most of my trouble with things lies. is this even fucking worth it?

the AUDSLP program is acknowledged by my university as one of the elite and most competitive programs it has to offer, mostly because there was a time our graduate program for speech-language pathology was ranked one of the top in the nation. notice, i said there was a time, as it currently does not even place in the top 50 programs in the nation for audiology graduate programs. (for speech, i honestly have no clue, but i’m sure it’s much lower than it was in the past.) regardless, this is one of the only programs in the state that offers an undergraduate course in AUDSLP, and is seen as competitive despite it’s graduate program rankings because of the demand for the field, job security, and future salary.

in first grade, my teacher gave me a book (probably 4 inches thick) of math problems. i didn’t have many friends then (foreshadowing...), but Mrs. Touzour sat with me at recess and watched me do math so that made it okay. she was so nice to me, and it made me feel special. we moved that summer, so i attended a new school for second grade where i got the meanest teacher there was in that school. i’m not kidding, she ripped up student’s classwork because of their handwriting (in second friggin grade). i found myself indulging in more and more math and science books, with the occasional calvin & hobbs luxury (if the teacher didn’t notice long enough to take it away, as it was deemed inappropriate to her). as time progressed, my only other outlet besides getting good grades became piano lessons, and eventually just time spent listening to songs then learning to play them by ear. i loved being told how talented i was, and that made me feel really special, too.

before we moved, my very first friend and i got increasingly more distant, as she was a few years older than me and there comes a time where a 12 year old probably doesn’t want to hang out with an 8 year old anymore. but it made me sad, because it felt like everyone was older than me (my brother is 5 years older than me and my sister is 11 years older, too). but after we moved, i made my second friend (for the sake of not putting real names in this post), Kay. around this time, my mom had been working for a company in another state, and her commute was so long we’d have to wake up around 5:30 a.m. so she could take me to Kay’s house, where her family was kind enough to see me onto the bus each morning before school and take care of me after school until my mom got home around 7p.m. Kay and i became very close because of this, and soon enough were doing everything together.

we were friends until around 7th grade, where we found ourselves liking the same boy. this seems so silly to be writing about 1. so many years later, and 2. because this really was the reason why we stopped being friends. but, it does go a bit deeper. Kay felt like everyone liked me more than her, and expressed this in subtle ways. i remember her always commenting on how skinny i was and that i was blonde, so boys would like me better than her. in all reality, i hit a growth spurt in 7th grade that made me the 2nd tallest girl in our grade, but i struggled to put on weight pretty much my whole life. (i’ve been the same height and weight pretty much since then.) there became a time where although i was at her house before and after school each day, it felt like she wanted to be alone more often and i ended up hanging out with her parents or younger brother and his friends. i wish she had known how wrong she had it. but, in this particular case, this boy we both liked did like me back. he ended up being my first real kiss, my “date” to the field trip to the zoo that year, and we may have even held hands a few times in the hallways. i know, such a solid relationship, right? before any of that, though, i asked Kay numerous times if she was going to be okay with the boy and i spending time more together, and she said yes. it wasn’t convincing, so i kept asking her over and over, to which she (obviously) was (reluctantly) replying “yes” each time. even though i knew she wasn’t ok with it, i wanted her to be because i selfishly liked this boy, too. i thought she’d get over it or this boy and i would eventually “break up” anyway, so what’s the big deal?

so, this boy and i spent time together (i refuse to use the term “dated” as this was 7th grade and i had no idea what was happening to my mind/body/heart/a n y t h i n g), very innocently for what was maybe a month or two. during that time, Kay wouldn’t speak to me. one day, in gym class, i decided to walk with her and a new girl she befriended during our drifting apart, and i asked how she was doing. i noticed some serious looking scratches by her elbows on the inside of her arms, and asked what had happened. “oh it was just my cat”, she replied. Kay had two cats, both of which were constantly given food and were so overweight they were lucky to have moved even twice during a given 24 hour period. they were very friendly, and in all of the years i had spent time with Kay, i had never ones seen them scratch anybody. i knew her story didn’t add up, but i just figured she was keeping the real story from me because she was mad at me, and i thought she had a right to be. anyway, i never could have known what the real cause was.

about a week later (i think), Kay threw a bonfire for her birthday. i couldn’t even tell you if i was invited or not, but i went, because i was always invited to her parties and didn’t think this was any different. upon arriving, i was given death stares, and told by numerous people i wasn’t wanted there. her new friend she was walking with in the gym approached me, and said “you have nerve showing up here when you’re the reason why Kay cut herself”.

i’ve only spoken with Kay once since then, and it was just some small talk over text a couple years ago.

i guess this should have been an obvious sign of what was to come with my friendships in the future, but i was young and naive and maybe kind of hopeful, too. Holly (not her real name) and I became friends in 7th grade, when i asked if i could sit with her at lunch one day. she was so nice and welcoming, and soon enough we were doing everything together. we actually even had a friend “group” that would frequently split up and get back together (because what else is there to do in 7th grade other than fight with your friends about boys and gossip). but despite the split-ups, Holly and I always remained friends. we both auditioned for a performing arts high school, to which she got in and i didn’t.

we inevitably parted ways a bit when we went to separate high schools. it made sense, we were trying to figure out who we were, what was cool and uncool to wear, and where homeroom was all at the same time. but, there are obvious major differences when it comes to going to high school in such different environments. visiting her felt like a whole different world, where people just accepted each other, sang and danced in the hallways, and spent half their day dedicated to their craft. in hindsight, i’m glad i didn’t get accepted, because i learned what the real world was like much more effectively than she did, i think. but, her high school experience was one i’m sure she’ll never forget, and was probably one she’ll remember as one of the happiest points in her life.

i went to every performance she had. i saved every program, ticket, and confirmation order, and put them all in a scrapbook i was making for her when we’d leave for college. she was moving to another state far away for college (her entire family was, too), and we decided to attend Firefly Music Festival together to bond and see some of our favorite artists before she left. that’s when we stopped being friends.

throughout our friendship, it always seemed like Holly was too busy for me. at times, she really was. she was taking the same courses i was while splitting half of her day up to practice her singing/acting/dancing, doing voice and dance lessons outside of school, and participating in every club imaginable. she also managed having a boyfriend too, all four years of high school. he was someone who she treated as something just convenient for her, as she broke up with him basically every summer and would get back together with him as soon as the following fall started. despite these actions towards him, she simultaneously seemed to prioritize him over me at times. for example, i remember always inviting Holly on my family vacations with me, whereas she’d invite her boyfriend. looking back on it, it was probably just immaturity, self-consciousness and jealousy that made me feel weird about her relationship with him, but this wasn’t what ultimately made us no longer be friends.

Holly’s boyfriend was coming to firefly, but we didn’t plan on really meeting up with him much. as i said before, this was the last memory Holly and i would make together before she moved, and we spoke about trying to spend time together this trip and maybe meet new people along the way (if it happened). Holly had spent the week before Firefly at the beach with her boyfriend celebrating Senior Week, so i really didn’t see a problem with requesting to focus her time on me. immediately upon arriving and setting up the tent, she asked to go find her boyfriend’s campsite. we had promised our families that we would stay together the entire duration of the festival, as we were two 17 year old girls having no clue what we were getting ourselves into. i said i wanted to finish setting up camp, but she said she thought she could see her boyfriend’s site from where we were, so i asked her to come right back after saying hi. she returned about 45 minutes later and said the site she thought was her boyfriend’s wasn’t, but she ended up finding it anyway. afterwards, we finished setting things up and met our neighbors and hung out sharing stories with them.

around mid-day the following day, Holly said she was going to the bathroom. they were a good distance away, and i didn’t her to go alone, but she did. she said she’d come right back. i think she did (trying to remember), but she had this look on her face when she came back that felt like she wanted to go back to her boyfriend’s site. i told her she obviously wasn’t banned from spending time with her boyfriend, but when the concerts started (around 2p.m. was the first show we wanted to see together) i wanted to see them with her so she should come back. she never came back that day.

she returned that night, and i acted very distant and upset with her, because i was. at this point, i didn’t even care if she spent the rest of the festival with her boyfriend, because she already made it clear he was more important than me. and she did, she spent the rest of the festival with him. thank god our neighbors were the good souls they were, because me, alone, being 17 and naive and stupid could have gotten into some serious issues at a festival of 80,000 people sleeping in a tent alone.

also, Holly took the only phone charger we had with her. my parents’ one rule was to text once a day to tell them i was alive, and i couldn’t. there were charging stations at the festival, but the lines were hours long because you were waiting for other people to charge their dead phones to 100%. also, they didn’t provide the chargers: just outlets. needless to say, i was kicked out of my house upon returning from the festival. it ended by Holly coming back to the site just as i was finishing loading up the car (i tore everything down myself), and her crying the whole way home about how sorry she was. maybe i could’ve gotten over the fact that all of this happened, but i just didn’t want to. she was moving away and i was happy about going to college that fall to meet new friends that wouldn’t leave me at festivals for their boyfriend (update: Holly broke up with her boyfriend like 2 months later for a new guy she met in college.)

Holly has reached out a couple times- once recently, actually. she continuously apologizes, but after four years, i’m honestly over it. i do miss her as a friend, and am curious to know how she and her family is doing when she reaches out. the most recent time she reached out was about nevershoutnever’s tour where he was performing all of his old songs-Holly and i were christofer drew ingle’s biggest fans when we were younger. She said she’d make the trip home to go to his show close to where i live and we could catch up, but the tickets sold out before she mentioned anything about it again. i’m just tired of her being a disappointment, and don’t plan on talking to her again.

luckily, i was paired with a college dorm roommate that would become one of my best friends. we were so much alike, and never fought about anything...she was sweet, caring, and is so special to me. i ended up meeting a whole bunch of friends that year which are so near and dear to my heart, but i would soon leave them to chase my dream.

i went into college knowing i wanted to go into the medical field, but that’s all i really knew. i also went into college knowing i didn’t want to go to school in my home state, mostly because i wanted a fresh start, to meet new people, gain responsibility, and all the other cliche reasons i’m sure you can pick up on. so i ended up at a small university studying biology. it wasn’t until i stumbled upon speech-language pathology (thanks to a recommendation by my mom), that i thought about transferring to a different school that offered the major as an undergraduate degree.

the school i wanted to transfer to was one of 2 (i think) in the entire state that offered speech-language pathology/audiology as an undergraduate degree. when i would call the office to inquire about anything at all, they’d tell me how competitive of a major it was, and that transferring into it from another school would be very difficult due to the sequential necessity of the courses. they told me i’d be a whole year behind, could not graduate on time even if i were admitted, and said that transferring to the school undeclared and being put on the waiting list to get into the major was an option, but there’s rarely room for those on the waiting list to be admitted.

i was one of 4 people to be accepted into the major that year, but i did it. prior to that, i told myself if i did get in that i should take it as a sign, and go. but, that would mean leaving the group of friends that i felt comfortable and happy calling my actual friends, and having to live with new random people somewhere on campus, and starting completely over again. but, i did it.

during my time at the new school, the classes became much harder than the previous, and so did the ability to make friends. by sophomore year, everyone’s past the “we’re all freshman so we have that in common let’s be friends” thing. there are certain people i enjoy here, but they’re just not like my friends i made at my previous school. they all lived together the year after i transferred schools, so they all became even closer while i felt i was fading away in their memories. it sucked. they reassure me constantly that we’re all still great friends, but i’ve only been able to spend time with them a handful of times in the past two years because of crazy schedules, work, etc. when we do see each other, we have the best time and cherish it, though.

this is where my biggest struggle lies. i often have a hard time defending my reasoning as to why i wanted to transfer schools, leaving behind the only people in my life who i was able to actually fit in with. coming to the new school did wonders for preparation for graduate school, but there’s no telling what it would’ve been like if i stayed. i’m sure i would’ve graduated with a biology degree, but you can get into grad schools for audiology degree with a bio undergrad degree. it bothers me that right now, i honestly don’t know who would even be the bridesmaids in my wedding- i really don’t.

one of the best things that came out of transferring, though, was meeting my boyfriend. that boy...he’s probably the only person i’ve loved this much aside from my family. we met in class over a year ago, and he’s easily become my best friend. but, this time next week i’ll be back at home working an 8 hour long shift, and he’ll be unpacking after graduating and receiving his degree. this summer is extremely busy for me, as i’ll be juggling taking GREs, working, and an internship. i’m worried that his pursuit in finding a job will affect his ability to see me, since i’ll have virtually no time to work around his schedule. and i don’t blame him for this whatsoever...but i can’t help feeling like it’s the beginning of the end.

when i try to explain this to him, i just don’t think he gets it. and that’s okay, because it’s my own internal battle. i’ve been abandoned by many friends who i never ever thought would leave. i’ve had to choose between career decisions and friends and i ultimately couldn’t help but allow this factor to affect my decision. i’ve cried nearly every time i’ve seen him for the past couple weeks, because i just can’t imagine what things will be like without him around. it’s surreal knowing that we will have to drive nearly 2 hours to see eachother for the rest of our relationship...we will only be this close again if things start to get more serious. things are just going to be very different, and it sucks.

my plans are to move across the country for graduate school. there’s pretty much nothing keeping me on this side, so i don’t see the harm in venturing away. i guess the point of this post was to just share my thoughts and put them somewhere other than the endless cycle in my head.

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