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of-another-broken-heart · 3 years

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I’m just going to copy/paste this because it took me hours and I’m drained.

I guess I have to format it again if I want it to show up at all...

I couldn't even make it back home before breaking down crying again.

Driving while chronically sleep deprived, exhausted, fatigued, and dissociating is bad enough. Doing it with all that AND without being able to see? How special.

I barely had time to sit down, my phone rang. I answered it, begging for someone to hear me. For thirty straight seconds. "Hello? Hello? Hello???" Finally someone spoke, but they couldn't hear me. I'm sobbing. They hung up. I scrambled to call back, from my computer, because at least then I'm not fighting a lack of reception as well as my anxiety. They called again. I didn't answer. I waited for my computer to ring through instead. I'm put on hold. I'm sobbing. It was just to ask what my pharmacy is. Which I already answered on my paperwork. Which I answered, again, at check-out. And I was forced into a third confirmation via a pointless, needless, anxiety-attack inducing phone call hazing. For something I already answered.

It's not fucking fun. People don't choose this. I didn't choose this. But does it matter? "Call," the command comes. "Just call." "Call to confirm." "Call to ask." "Call." "Call." "Call."

I want you to think of something that takes physical hold of your body and brings to you to tears. I want you to hold that and sit with it until it does those things. I want you to choose to reduce yourself to a sobbing mess, struggling to breathe, alone. And I want you to picture a world where you are commanded, demanded, required to do this. For virtually everything. Imagine needing help - but you must first re-traumatize yourself with your most painful memories until your nose is running and your eyes burn from crying. And you're exhausted for the rest of the day, too. Maybe multiple days. Absolutely exhausted. So fucking depleted that taking yourself to the bathroom is almost impossible. Feeding yourself - even eating something out of a can, or microwaved - is a herculean effort. Does that sound fun? Of course not.

As for the appointment itself: It's the same. Much better bedside manner. But it's the same underlying capitalism-serving "care" system. It's my fault. I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not blacking out alone on the side of the road enough. I haven't dissociated hard enough and/or blacked out while driving yet, so it can't be that bad, right? Not until I'm maimed or dead, right? Why address the root of a problem when we can just plaster on endless band-aids instead? When we can blame you for hurting, instead of the environment that's poisoning you? I'm not medically sedating myself into an obedient little wage slave, and that's the real problem. I should aspire to produce capital for someone with most of the remaining hours of my life. That's the purpose of living, that's the reason for "health"care - not to care about health, no, just to keep the wheels of capitalism well-oiled with wasted human life. Inherent human value? Quality of life? Nah.

They refused my medical history. I brought the 72-page pdf on a flash drive. Because that's how I was given it. Because I can't afford to buy and operate a personal fax machine and/or print out a chapter book's worth of pages of medical records. I went through the trouble of getting the files, and it took over a month - only to be told "we can't take anything but paper or fax." I filled out a file release form as best I could. But I didn't have the phone number or address memorized. Not even before that place became synonymous with medical neglect and trauma for me. So now they're going to go through the ancient months-long ritual of requesting the self-fucking-same documents from LISH, either by mail or fax, because they "can't" access a flash drive or a pdf or use email. Welcome to 2021. We're back to "normal" and teleheath never existed and the internet is fake and technology is a myth and why do anything efficiently when you can waste time and do damage to people instead? My Aunt called to check in on me during her lunch break. (Thank you again) She offered to get the file printed and try to hand it in for me. I'm too tired to hope. I'm too exhausted to think they'll accept it without fuss. Anything and everything to make things harder.

Top priority order of business is the whole "diseased for life" thing. Hashimoto's thyroiditis. Hypothyroidism. Daily hormones for every day of the rest of forever, gatekept behind eternal doctor visits and prescriptions and pharmacies and copays and and and and did I mention this is forever? I've got a referral to have a thyroid sonogram done. Haven't ever had one of those before. Need to make that appointment. I was able to have my blood drawn for the thyroid testing without needing an additional appointment, which was a nice change of pace. Normally you're supposed to fast for that, but I wasn't expecting that could be done during the visit. Three years of having to make additional trips to the lab for blood work. I ate immediately before getting there, so hopefully nothing had a chance to metabolize and skew the results. Even though it was great not to have to juggle yet another appointment for health shit, it was stressful. The nurse took three tries before she had all the supplies she needed in the room. I already have anxiety spikes (which also raise my blood pressure and heart rate) for all doctor visits now. (White Coat Syndrome, I learned, it's called) I didn't need to have a rubber cable tied around my arm, popped off, tied again, popped off, and tied a third and final time to make it worse. A pro to that con: she was incredibly accurate and gentle. I normally have sub-dermal bleeding and some bruising after having blood drawn, and keep the bandage on for a day or two. The bandage didn't last even an hour after I got home - but there wasn't a single spot of trapped blood, and I almost couldn't even tell where she stuck me.

I have another new diagnosis to add to my growing collection. Hypertension. High blood pressure. I used to have slightly low blood pressure. It stunned the first doctor I ever saw (you know, because I'm fat, so that sort of thing is supposed to be ~impossible~) and it frustrated my last doctor at first, too. But now, with years of building stress and anxiety? It's almost like living with your most basic human needs barely provided (food, shelter, healthcare - let's not bring up social needs LMAO those don't count anyway, right?), and at constant risk of being taken away, for months (years, in some cases) on end, is some form of stress. It's almost like being constantly dismissed and told "you're just not trying hard enough" (WHILE TRYING YOUR BEST JUST TO SURVIVE EACH DAY) is some form of stress!It's almost like perpetual, ongoing, worsening stress has a negative impact on your heart! It's almost like there are decades of data that spell this out, plain as day!It's almost like I noticed my elevated heart rate back in NOVEMBER and mentioned it out of concern to my last doctor - who dismissed it outright because my reading in-office wasn't *that* bad, and also shouldn't I be on 5487 psych meds instead? If I was sedated out of my mind, I wouldn't be physically capable of feeling stress in my body despite the presence of real-world stress factors. That's healthy, right? Don't bother to solve the stressors, just neuter the body's response to them. Super healthy response. (Not) My GYN took note of my concern in December, when my vitals DID show as high in-office. Not that my GYN had the jurisdiction to do anything about it. I'm being put on another medication to try to mitigate this, and potentially also address some anxiety. I haven't picked it up yet. I don't know the name. I don't know if I'll be able to afford it. "Your copay is only a dollar!" Yes well, when you don't have a dollar, you can't afford a dollar, can you?

I was given a list of psychiatrists. To "Call!!"Precisely none of them are a reasonable distance away. Nearly half aren't even in my insurance network. Some explicitly exclude Medicaid. Others are exclusively for children. I was suggested a medication for depression and anxiety. I can't remember which one. Either Abilify or Lexapro? I declined it for now, either way. I wanted to be able to research it. Lexapro is just another SSRI and I already know those don't work for me. Adding a chemical bouncer to my brain to make sure the happy chemicals stay out to play doesn't help when there are no happy chemicals in the first place. A quick search for Abilify doesn't address anxiety at all so it was probably Lexapro. In which case, I am not interested in repeating a different-flavor-Prozac experience. It was not good. I didn't get any notes with that medication, regardless. I got a sticky note with "Valerian Root Extract (tea or tincture)" and "Magnesium Glycinate 2 capsules" scribbled on it, instead. Out-of-pocket home rem-maybes. I can't afford to experiment with snake oils, so mostly I'll probably just spend a bunch of time looking for data and research and studies for those substances, and that's it. If I get around to psychiatric care, I will have to start from scratch in my insurance's shoddy search tool, again. And, frankly, it's not a priority. My mental health struggles are the result of a lot of physical factors and external/social factors, and no amount of artificial chemicals bullying my brain is going to solve any of it. When your car starts leaking oil, you don't just commit to buying more oil forever and dribbling it all over, wherever you go. You fix the fucking leak. If your house has a gas leak, you don't invest in gas masks. You fix the fucking leak. If you end up with a burst pipe, you don't commit to wasting water and money and damaging your environment. You fix. The fucking. Leak. But in these comparisons, I'm getting prescribed oil and gas masks and infinite water damage/waste/bills as long-term care.

I mentioned my fatigue. It was the final straw that made me give up with the last doctor. It just keeps getting worse. It's been getting worse for over 3 years. And I'm so, so fucking tired of it getting pinned fully on the fact that I'm not on psych meds. I WAS on psych meds during part of those 3 years with my last doctor. And it didn't fucking make any difference! A daily chemical lobotomy does not address or restore my lack of physical energy. My decades-old medication-resistant insomnia has never vanished with psych meds before, and it's not likely to do it now. Especially not with yet another of the same family of chemicals that I already know don't work. I want my concern to be taken seriously. I don't want it just brushed into the mental health corner, again. Being too tired to even do the things you used to enjoy - no one fucking wants this! I don't want this! I miss being able to go for walks. I miss going to the gym. I miss seeing how much I could do, and feeling good, and feeling strong. And I can't do any of that now. Not without risking harming myself in the process.

No one wants this. I keep talking, but it feels like no one listens. At the earliest opportunity, we're back to repeating the same tired old shit that doesn't work. I try to come prepared, and the stress and time and system make sure I fail to stand up for myself anyway. I didn't get to document my disordered eating history. The relapse this year. Restricting, sometimes to the point of not eating at all. I declined to be weighed, because I want my care to be based on relevant data, vitals, blood results - not the shape and size of my body. But I was too tired to realize I needed to dodge a verbal ask for the same information. Which, it turns out, is nearly as bad a trigger as having the scale spit it out for me. Being your own advocate for equal care, when you're already tapped out? I'm not winning that challenge.

I'm frustrated. I'm not giving up, but I am frustrated and beyond tired. I don't really expect anyone to read this mess. But it's here.

#personal

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delicatefury · 5 years

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Grey Dawn Breaking day 3: You do realize this is basically me outlining the plot, right?

It’s not even subtle. As such, things written here may or may not be entirely accurate to the final product.

Anyway... on to the show!

****Spoilers ahead because I don’t know how to read-more on mobile****

I know you’re all anxious to see the Zuko+Iroh talk go down, but I’d just like to take a moment to catch up with the rest of the Gaang and how they’re handling all of this. I just want to make it clear though, that I love every single member of the Gaang. Like if I wasn’t so invested in GDB, I’d probably write at least a one shot of all this happening to Aang instead and him just being like “In this timeline, Avatar’s chase you!” Before kidnapping Zuko onto a life-changing field trip, because it has to work in reverse, right?

That’s not this story, though, and GDB is eating me up inside and I need that attention for the bar exam. So without further ado...

—————

So, right off the bat, Aang’s been given even more responsibility from the get-go. Not only does he have to master all four elements by the end of summer, defeat the firelord, and save the world, he also has to find Avatar Roku’s great (great) grandson so they can help him find a person who made a deal with a dark spirit to do who knows what and that problem might actually take priority!

In usual Aang fashion, he manages to both kinda ignore it, but also worry about it all the time. Which is avoidance and an issue he struggles with and that as never fully resolved (because while I love the Zuko-episodes, the fact that they’re the last ones before the finale means that some really important pre-finale growth for Aang kinda got shuffled to the side. Just a smidge). What this means story-wise is that Aang is internally anxious but keeps his cheerful facade up complete with side-trips and nonesense.

Which also means that he’s fully on board for searching for “curios” on suspicious ships.

Meanwhile, Sokka and Katara are the only witnesses to Avatar Roku singleing Zuko out during their great escape. When they tell Aang about what they saw (but didn’t hear) they joke that maybe Roku was trying to scare the prince away. After all, Zuko looked pretty shaken after Roku smiled at him. What could that be if not a threat?

(That’s a boy with severe self-esteem issues getting approval from someone he never expected to get it from, comics-be-damned.)

Water Bending Scroll happens similar but differently. Katara’s captured a little later, but not by much, but what’s weird is that when Zuko shows up, he’s creeping in the shadows, not being all stomping and yelling like she’s used to. He, well, asks to save her from the pirates. Actually the exchange is more “will you stop wriggling and let me cut you free?!”(whisper-yelled) “What the - Zuko?!” (Very loud shout). Zuko’s forced to recover, offers the bounty for Katara (she hears that he’s willing to buy her. He will later be upset that that’s how she interprets his actions, yet she gives no thought to what pirates would do), accidentally lets slip that there’s a bounty on her companions too, and well, the rest goes as described in last post.

Between this and Crescent Island and Aang’s secondary quest, the Gaang gets a lot to talk about in their bits in between Zuko’s woes. A lot of it focusing on Zuko’s slightly, but not actually, out of character actions. And one accurate but dismissed joke from Sokka that “Hey, maybe Zuko’s Roku’s grandkid!”.

Actually, there’s a lot to going on with Sokka, Katara, and Aang while Zuko’s stressing out on the Wani, and while Zuko’s our traveler, Avatar (and by extension GDB) is sort of an ensemble story with each character getting a pretty well developed arc/personality and I intend to do the same here.

But back to Zuko, because he’s still the main driving force of this plot.

____________

In all honesty, I’ve blocked this scene out on multiple drives to and from work (I haven’t moved yet, so I still get 20+ minutes each way), and I have made myself cry. But The Padawan Discussion from TDPL did too, and people seemed to love that.

But... you won’t be getting the full cry version. This is just the outline. But it’s a very detailed outline.

I’ve gone over this scene a lot.

_______________

Zuko cleans himself up after his training and goes to join his uncle for tea. It takes a while to psych himself up. He’s fully aware that he’s pretty poorly equipped to handle this... everything... on his own. He needs guidance. He needs help. He needs Uncle. But the guilt is eating him up alive and this is probably the most terrifying thing he’s ever done, and that includes facing Ozai in the Agni Kai arena and in the underground throne room.

He remembers Sokka telling him that Uncle would be proud of him. He knows Katara would say that his sincerity would speak for itself. Toph would tell him to toughen up and just go in, while Suki would remind him to stop thinking only about worst-case scenarios.

And Aang would tell him that sometimes, you just need to take a leap of faith.

With that thought, he goes in.

Uncle is waiting with tea in the pot. Zuko carefully keeps the table between them, instead of sitting off to the side. He sees the hurt in Uncle Iroh’s eyes, but he needs the barrier. He feels like he’s taking advantage of his Uncle if he accepts the comfort.

Uncle Iroh does what he’s best at and approaches his problem from an angle. He compliments Zuko’s bending, and the seeming progress. Makes idle chitchat while he pours the tea and waits for Zuko’s first sip. And sighs in relief when it’s spat back out. Zuko’s incensed. Why the hell is his tea so salty?!

And Iroh explains what Zuko has missed. The men have been gossiping that a Spirit has taken Zuko’s place or put a spell on him or possessed him. Since Zuko’s reaction to the salt was entirely human (and not, you know, dropping an illusion, or fleeing to the spirit world, etc.) Iroh can now let the men know that their prince is not possessed by any spirits. But Zuko asks about spirit deals. He’s not stupid, and he has probably researched every possible lead on the Avatar. He thinks he has an idea of what happened.

And Uncle Iroh automatically assumes it was Zuko who made the deal. In denying it, and explaining that he’s pretty sure Azula’s done something like that, details of what happened start to come out. Even the fact that Zuko’s 8 months displaced. And Iroh takes it all in stride. Until he asks Zuko if it has anything to do with why he’s avoiding him. If he had done something to anger his nephew.

Zuko, haltingly, forces himself to explain that it’s all his own fault. That he screwed up and ruined everything and how the guilt ate him up every time he looked at his uncle. And when he takes a breath after going on about how much Iroh will be disappointed in him when he knows just how bad he screwed up, Iroh pulls him into a hug, tea and table be damned. He’s an old man and he knows himself better than anyone, even Zuko, and there’s nothing in the world Zuko could do that would ever make Iroh hate him. And that Zuko’s so remorseful and so obviously pained, how could he do anything but forgive him?

So Zuko tells him a very abridged version of the most eventful 8 months of his life. Chasing the Avatar to the poles, their lives as fugitives in the Earth Kingdom and refugees in Ba Sing Se, the tea shops, and Zuko’s first encounter with a spirit fever. With context, Zuko’s betrayal is both more painful and more understandable and Iroh hugs him again before the apologies can start. Then the return to the Fire Nation, the Day of the Black Sun, and Iroh’s happiest surprise of the day, his nephew joining the Avatar as his teacher.

Then they finally get to what started the whole line of questioning: Zuko’s use of the dancing dragon form.

And when the story’s finished, Iroh asks Zuko to show him the full form. His nephew shouldn’t worry about what the crew may think, he’s already coming up with a half-true cover story.

______

This... this ended up being a lot more detailed than I intended. I’m sure you all don’t mind, but still.

Anyway... I stayed up too late. But once I got started writing this out, I needed to keep going. Here’s hoping I don’t regret it in the morning.

#fury writes #gdb #gdb spoilers #grey dawn breaking #Avatar #the last airbender #Zuko #Uncle Iroh #Katara #Aang #fanfic #If this scene #when fully written #does not make at least one person cry #I shall be very disappointed in myself

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catsnuggler · 7 years

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I’ve been wrong. I’ve been wrong about this whole thing. I’ve been wrong the whole time. I was wrong to cut off my friendships, I was wrong about the entire thing, I was wrong, and. Well. Fuck, it still hurts. It hurts a lot. But I was wrong, and goddamn do I hate having to finally realize that now. Ugh, fuck. I really, really hate this, yet wanting to make things better is understandable, yet wrong given the situation and what she desires. I hope her desire will change in time; I really, truly fell in love with her, and it hurts a lot. But wanting to go against her wishes is wrong.

Even my emotionally abusive father told me, in sensitivity and love for me - yes, abusers can love, it’s just certainly not a good, pure love, but sometimes, with some, there are some aspects that are actually good - even he said that friendships with mutual friends could still work out, even if bridges are burned between my former love and myself. Yet I would not admit he was right in this, thinking I knew better, blinded by the notion that worth must only come from others, that there must rightfully, at least concerning myself, be no self-worth, only judged worth from others; only honor, and love from others. I was blinded by the burning desire to be loved by others to make up for the burning hole in my heart from the lack of self-love. And one who possesses no self-love does little good for the one they love. Not that the person who possesses no self-love deserves no love; far from it! They especially need love. But they must not become dependent, and above all, they must be taught to love themselves, because they are the ones they need love from the most.

I said earlier, “my life is nothing, if not a paradox.” That’s still true, I think, and it’s funny to think that actually, it’s quite true, because on the one hand, I’m a very cool guy, easygoing with my friends, with good references, an okay handle on ideologies, a lot of gaming potential... yet on the other hand, I have toxic personal issues I need to work out, and unfortunately, it’s hurt some people in not-so-cool ways. Well, there are much better descriptors than “not-so-cool”, but I’ve said far enough about that before. Still, consequently, some people don’t want anything to do with me anymore. And with eyes as wet as the Pacific Ocean I was born so close to, I hope that one day, that might change. But that is only my hope, and there is another side with different hopes, hopes that must be respected as I have not respected before, love aside.

I still won’t move on for who knows how long, because I’ve never moved on in a healthy manner before so I don’t really know how to yet, and I still don’t want to move on because I still love her very, very much; but I cannot intrude. But I can still have friends, even if it will be difficult. I can still have friends. And it wouldn’t be replacing, because one can have multiple friends, one can lose friends and gain new friends, and lose new friends and regain old friends. Painful, but it happens, and, well, we’ll see. But I don’t have to lose them all, even if things are difficult between the two sides - sidenote, I still hate there being sides to this, but that’s my fault, yet I shouldn’t be so persistent in trying to earn forgiveness if such attempts are undesired. I don’t have to lose them all, and I shouldn’t, either. I shouldn’t consign myself to an impossible duty in the hope of receiving the pity to be forgiven. Although, I will admit, wanting her back, I still want to be forgiven. I still want it a lot. But it must not be an all-encompassing, unhealthy desire. I need to live my life, as that would be healthier for her, and definitely for me. But for the thousandth time - I know I’ve said this a lot - I hope the life I live brings us back together. For now, though, it neither doesn’t mean I should be separated from all my friends, at least, nor would it be right to do so, because that action is what cheapens them, as much as I’ve told myself I did it because I cared. And to my credit, my conscious mind, at least, believed it was because I cared, even if my unconscious mind was worried about being rejected. Though I still think at least half of it was actually because I loved my friends and wanted to spare them the pain of being in the middle of potential quarrels. My love may be something to fear, sometimes, especially due to its capricious nature, but it’s strong.

But hey, I’m confused, naive, haven’t even lived 20 years, and I just had a long conversation with my psych major sister debunking exactly why I was wrong. *Anyway, I’m too tired to organize this into paragraphs, but here’s the jumbled mess of my thoughts, right here. I hope it’s an improvement over the last few days. I’m really glad to have my older sister. She told me tonight she thinks I’m the coolest sibling of all our siblings, but honestly? She is. I mean yes, that’s kind of devaluing myself, but frankly, she is. It’s foreign to try seeing value in myself. Maybe one day, it won’t be so. For now, it kind of is, even if it’s good. I need to improve myself, and much more so for myself than the one I miss so dearly. And I guess that’ll include accepting my good, even knowing the evil things I’ve said and the evil I’ve possibly done.

P.S. I know it certainly isn’t a desire now, but unless somehow it happens that I find someone else, well, assuming I’ve changed and the whole situation’s changed, and all for the better... again, assuming I’ve made the proper changes, if you ever change your mind and want things back, well, you can bet I would accept the offer. Again, though, I admit that now, and for a while, that would not be the right thing to do. Nor would it be my decision; it’s yours. And if your decision forever remains that it’s over, then so mote it be.

*Edit: at 9:28 AM, I put these into paragraphs, and also edited some sentences slightly, like changing a usage of the word “healthy” to the word I meant to use, “unhealthy”, to describe my previous stubborn determination to hold onto the past and the possibility that there must be a way to bring things back to that point through forgiveness. Stuff like that.

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guyinlovewitheremika · 7 years

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Dude serious question here : how are you still single ? Judging from your blog you seem so cute and friendly and an overrall fun person to be around. I for one would have loved to get to know you irl. But well keep up your amazing blog, I wish you the best in life

Aww anon that’s really sweet of you haha. Hope you have an amazing life too.

I used this opportunity for a little bit of self-analysis, which I’m keeping under-read since it’s not the main content of this blog. Quite frankly it failed and I don’t recommend reading.

THERE IS NO POINT TO THIS POST. I started writing with a huge plan, it didnt work out and now only half the thing is here, and by itself, it makes no bloody sense. I still wanna keep it here simply for myself, but anyone reading this rn will probs only get an incomplete and thusly inaccurate picture of what I’m trying to paint.

Okay, so here’s the thing. I started writing this huge thing with a clearly mapped out thought process in mind, it had structure and whatnot. Unfortunately an event I even described in my analysis, a change of my mental state, prohibited me from finishing my writing---this is thus very incomplete, lacking many arguments and most importantly an actual conclusion. I doubt I’ll ever reconnect to this particular text anyway, but I still felt like sharing it as I considered it to be a very accurate depiction my head up until the point where I got lost. So even though it’s totally lackluster and incomplete, I’m still sharing it here because I feel like I owe it to myself. Anyway. After this follows the introduction I had originally written. Since I posted this for myself, the chance of me answering asks, replies or messages about this is very little, partially for reasons explained below. AnYwAY

Le forum ofdeath and sucks balls what the fuck

You'reprobably just a lovely anon who wanted to say something nice and cheer me up,and believe me, it's appreciated^^ This extended response shouldn't be takenpersonal by you in any way at all, I simply saw an opportunity for me to writethings down I've been meaning to write down for a long time. Thing is, there'sabout a 0% chance of me talking to over people what's really going on in myhead unless I'm prompted to do so--unless there're huge indicators of therebeing legitimate interest in my psyche, I aint talking, and even then, the chancesremain slim. Granted, your message wasn't really a direct inquiry or whateverbut I've had this shit in my system so long that it's more than sufficient forme to let lose. Warning: basically everything below (and even above) are mypersonal observations of myself, and most likely don't make a ton of sense foranyone who isn't, well, me. "Translating" all of this into anythingcomprehensible outside of my head is gonna be tricky enough, but I still feellike doing it. The purpose of this text is ultimately for self-analysis; uponwriting things down it can clarify or explain certain thoughts, and that'sreally waht I'm after. I don't want to shove my own analysis of my mentalsituation down my followers throats, I'm writing and posting this only for myselfto be affected by the process of doing so; thusly, once more, this will potentiallybarely make any sense for anyone, but it's not supposed to for anyone exceptme, so in essence, don't read too much into this post.

Long assintroduction

Damn

Anyway, let'sget started, and back to the original question, how are you still single.

BecauseBOI, there's a plethora of reasons, mostly tied to my relationship with myselfand my surroundings, and that's what I wanna talk about here.

First ofall, yeah. Guy does seem like a fun, sweet person to have around here, doesn'the? You're not the first person to tell me that, and I'm not saying that tofeed on my ego or whatever, but because this perception of Guy isn't unique. Iget nice and lovely anons, Barely and hate towards me as a person despite arather rapidly growing follower count, I've even made a ton of onlinefriendships over the span of months, and those folks generally don't seem tohate Guy either, for similar reasons. That's all good and fun, and ofc Iappreciate people who're sympathetic towards me, but that's because here ontumblr and over on discord, I'm Guy. The dude who absolutely loooves snk, whoknows a lot about the series, who tries to help people out and is pretty wankfree (that's an over-the-top, stereotyped description simply for the sake ofgetting the general point across).

The problemis that "Guy" is a periodic, temporary and very much incompleterepresentation of my identity. Now of course, the following dialogue can quicklyfall into the "edgy-teenager-YouKnowMyNameButNotMyStory" trope whichtypically disqualifies any rationality accompanied by the claims, but for thesake of argument, I'd like to give my analytical skills more credit than a 21stcentury stereotype. The basic point I'm trying to make here is this: the"real", "complete" version of myself has more to it thanjust the blogger you know as "Guy", and that's simply because myonline presence is very filtered. Whenever I'm posting on my blog or talking tomy friends on discord, I'm being Guy. My mental state, my thought process, andmy emotional balance is that of SnK loving Guy. The thing is, whenever there'sa change in my mental state, a variation, one that differs from who we know as"Guy", Guy shuts down, and so does my activity. I'm not blogging24/7, I'm not being constantly Guy. And I'm not chatting 24/7 either, myfriends may confirm this: I often stop talking in the middle of conversations,stop responding, reduce or cease my current activity all together. Occasionallythat's caused by irl disturbances, but for the most part, the issue lies in avariation within my mental state, one that disrupts my situation of being Guy,causing a discrepancy between my activity and my thought process concerning myactivity. In simpler (and seriously overblown) terms, I temporarily stop beingthe person I just was (this being Guy), and swap to a different mental state, onethat differs from being Guy.

This allprobably sounds ludicrous and absolutely over the top, and I apologize for that.It's not as if I have "multiple personalities" in my head, orschizophrenia, or whatever. These varying mental states I'm describing aren'ttotally different people, but...different facades of myself, if that makes anysense. It probably doesn't, so let meprovide you with a possibly explanative analogy, to visualize everything. Letssay you're playing and RPG, and you have your core character. You level him up,gain experience, skills, and whatnot. That's default form of your character,lacking equipment and whatnot. However, in order to adapt to the constantlychanging environments and opponents you face, you need equipment, and the onlyoptions you have are various, predetermined armor and weapon sets. There's adifferent, unique type for every situation-one for each environment and eachenemy. The only problem is this: they come with a predetermined set of statsand skills. Parts of the sets cannot be exchanged with one another, and youcan't use multiple ones either. What's worse is that, despite the varyinglevels of skills you may have obtained on your core character, these arepartially or even entirely overwritten when donning one of the sets--you can'tverify or even use these stats and skills of your core character, as they'relocked away by whatever set you use. Only in down times, when in your hideout,all by yourself, can you take off the sets and access your stats andskills--only then does the experience you obtained when using the sets actuallyappear, only then can you observe your core character as a whole. That's moreor less what my head looks like, from my POV. Granted, this by no means is atotally accurate representation--it's flawed, it ignores certain other aspects,doesn't universally apply to me either, and ultimately, has no proof. However,I feel like this is the closest approximate description I can offer at themoment, and ultimately just am example to allow for some visualization--not auniversal truth or affirmation.

But let'stake a closer look at these equipment sets, or mental states, as I like to callthem. One of my favorite movies over the past years was the sci-fi flicArrival--Denis Villeneuve's thought provoking tale about extraterrestrialcreatures showing up on our planet and humanities attempt to interact with them.One of it's major elements was the use of language, and one theme in particularfascinated me: the theory that speaking in another language can potentiallymodify, or even rewire your brain and thought process. It's something Icouldn't agree more with. I fluently speak three languages, and, given myliving and educational situation, typically switch between all three of themmultiple times a day. I don't want to assume anyone's thoughts or feelings, butI'm certain I'm not the only one who has different relationships with thelanguages they speak, and who feel different depending on the used language.It's a pretty natural thing. Another thing we can probably all agree on is that,depending with whom we're interacting, or under which exterior circumstances(such as location), our precise way to express ourselves may sometimes vary--youmay act in a certain way with one person in a certain place, and act verydifferently with another person in a different place. Well, of course I can'tclaim that to be a universal truth for every person on the planet, but I'vecertainly heard other people describe it before, and I've felt it from otherstoo. It's there, sometimes, to a certain extent. Maybe it's totally natural, aneveryday feeling for everyone involved, and maybe I'm just too weak to be ableto counteract the consequences, but who knows. My primary issue stems from the fact that, I'm taking this varyingcircumstances and their consequences to a ridiculous level. Depending on mylanguage, my location, the time of day and the people I'm with, my expressionof myself, my (from an exterior POV observable) personality, if you want to, isborderline subject to change. "Guy" in many ways I can't mentallygrasp at the moment is fundamentally different from the person you mayencounter under specific, different circumstances.

Now ofcourse, this probably is something felt by other people alone, I'm not somehowspecial by feeling that way, probably just too weak to deal with it. But onething I can say with absolute certainty is that the consequences of thevariations has an effect on my surrounding. An example in my family: due to hisjob, my father is rarely at home, and I'm typically left with my mother, withwhom I have a rather close and positive relationship with. On the days myfather is there however, our relationship changes, my general mood is affected,and my expression of myself heavily changes. Once again, I'm sure I'm notunique in that way, I'm sure it's a normal, human concept, it just seems toaffect me really much. This isn't just limited to important, deep relationshipslike me and my parents, but its present in really every situation. Example, Imay desire to spend time with my friends at school when there, but back home,in a different mental state, that desire disappears entirely. I often don'treply to messages for weeks, and rarely ever initiate communication by myself,which can be totally different in another mental state. See, and that's one ofthe primary issues. My relationships with pretty much everyone are heavilymodified and affected by the changes in my mental state based on circumstancesand whatnot. If we follow that logic, any intimate or romantic relationshipwould be affected too. And that's one of the cruxes here: I couldn't possiblyentertain one particular mental state throughout the entirety of anoverarching, important relationship with someone. There would be instances inwhich my mental state would vary, and I would in turn be severely affected thischange, but this non-given, non-evident relationship with a significant otherwouldn't just...stop existing, wouldn't temporarily be on hold until I've returnedto a mental state appropriate of said relationship. You can't put it on hold,you can't neglect all of that while waiting for your brain to return to anadequate state. There's continuity and effort and ultimately something enduringwithin a relationship, but that's incredibly hard to entertain if the facade ofoneself is subject to constant modification. Though that in itself is somethingI would already consider rather problematic, it's far from the end. Rememberwhen I described the situation in my head? The idea of a certain core character,unaffected by the armor sets? Let's take a closer look at that.

All thesevarious mental states, these predetermined armor sets, caused by the varyingcircumstances I find myself in throughout life, have one thing in common: blockingout the "core character", the one that acquires the skills andexperience obtained through the life in armor, the one that has a sort ofoverseeing access to all of these obtained life experiences. That is what Iconsider to be the "purest" version of myself. The one thingunaffected by circumstances, the one at the center off all these various mentalstates. I can only be in this unaffected state when not in relation to anythingin my exterior: not being constrained to convey thoughts verbally through theuse of a certain language, not being actively in relation to another person,and being in a neutral place, unaffected by anything, such as my room.Basically, if I'm in an entirely neutral situation, not affected by anythingexterior whatsoever, my mind goes into a neutral state too. This neutral stateallows me one particular thing: introspection. Self-analysis, if you want to.Only in the neutral state can I fully reflect on my experiences and my life asa whole, only then can I attempt to understand my progression in life, myemotions, my mental situation. In fact, at this very moment, I find myself inthis neutral state--only now am I actually able to reflect on what's going onin my head, and the fact that I'm able to write it down cohesively is an enormousfeat in itself. However, this distinction between my neutral state, the"core character", and the various mental states, the "armorsets", comes with a plethora of issues, the first one being this verydiscrepancy. As explained earlier, the "sets" override the"core", and I mean that in a literal way. All my reflections, all mythoughts and questions, all my arguments, failures and progressions, areblocked out when I'm in one of these sets. For example, if I'm talking to mytherapist, it's downright impossible for me to communicate all these thoughtsobtained through introspection, simply because they're blocked out, they're notavailable anymore. They slip out from memory, I can barely grasp them at all,it feels like walking through horribly thicc mist; and even in the event that Istill can formulate some of my thoughts, I can't properly convey them. In fact,even if I write them down and try to read them out, it feels more like readingsomeone else's thesis: my brain doesn't connect to the material at all, itdoesn't understand, it can't back it up: in that situation, they're not my ownthoughts at all, but someone else's, and no matter how much I search my mindfor answers of clues, the only thing I can find is a bleak, empty void, leavingme feeling dumbfounded, with an empty head. Literally. When I later return tomy neutral state, everything returns to me, but quite frankly, that's notuseful, since I still lack the means to communicate it in a manner thatconvinces both me and party B.

Unfortunatelythe issues don't stop there. If we go by the assumption that this neutral, coreversion of myself is what you may call "the real me", I would kind ofbe in a pretty shit situation, because, quite frankly, being this neutralversion of myself is not fun at all. Maybe its related to ingrained pessimism,but all introspection, all reflection and thoughts, always go in a prettynegative way. Never once have I thought about myself in depth and arrived at anactual positive outcome: every answer is negative and spells out inevitabledoom one way or another. There's always a depressing note to everything, infact, there is a seriously ingrained tendency leading towards what may be aform of depression in all my thoughts, but I'll get into that later. The bigbad issue is that ultimately, this neutral state of mine, as well as everypossible variable mental state, lacks one primordial thing necessary to thehuman existence: life. I'm descending towards a melodramatic presentation oncemore, forgive me. It's a hunch towards excess. But here's the thing. Theneutral state is exclusively based around introspection, it can't do anythingbut reflect, and reflect in a pretty negative manner if I might add. There'snothing else to it. The "sets" are technically set in what we wouldcall life, they're all in relation with something, but inherently lack thecommon thing that is myself; they're mere facades, they're fakes, they'reincomplete, they're not ME. Here's thething. Perhaps it was a result of all the issues mentioned above, or perhaps itcaused the issues above and originate from a certain event in my pastirrelevant for now, but one thing is certain: I'm heavily emotionally distancedfrom my own life. I barely ever feel any real, active emotions out of anythingin life, everything is distanced, bleak, unilateral. Any real, strong emotion,be it joy, hatred, sadness or whatever else you may think of, is something Ibarely ever feel these days. Even events that have an incredibly strong effecton my life struggle to bring forth an emotional reaction. Everythingstays...bleak. Unaffected. There's often a sort of distant negativity, abackground feeling of sorts, and there are occasions of limited joy or whatnotthat last a few moments, but it takes absolutely nothing whatsoever to returnto an empty or even highkey depressed state--ultimately, the sensation of"being alive" has become incredibly elusive to me over the last 8years, now nothing more than a mere distant memory. That's just how things are,and I can't deal with it.

Granted, Imay possibly be overdoing it rn. Been writing for a long time, need to makesure I don't start getting affected just yet. Ultimately, all these thingsheavily block the way for a meaningful relationship with another person. Notonly would they have to deal with the fact that the person they know seems toundergo mental changes on a continuous basis which can't be any good, their s.o.would go through constant mood changes, would often be emotionally distant fromthem for seemingly no reason whatsoever, wouldn't be able to even entertain a relationshipon a deeper level. Whatever it would be, it couldn't even be called a proper relationshipfrom my point of view. I wouldn't be able to be myself, and that's pretty mucha death sentence for anything meaningful that's supposed to last for a bit,right?

(sidenote:I feel as if I may have just exited the neutral state and am no longer able toentertain my introspection. My thoughts are literally disappearing from my mindand my memory of everything I've said so far and what I meant to say afterwardsis getting foggier by the minute. It's absolutely ridiculous and horriblyannoying, but at the very least it proves my points to myself, that's worthsomething).

After this point, I continued writing, but quickly realized I lost all connection, I had indeed gone through a change in mental state, leaving behind my introspection. Thus, this is largely incomplete, with many threads not tied together, and many arguments lacking entirely. My analysis went much deeper than what we see here, but unfortunately I don’t seem to be able to pick it up for now. What a shame. I had thought I had finally figured out some serious progress. But in a way, it’s also fitting. This major failure is evidence that the points made are very real and not my imagination. Too bad it prevented me from going further, but that’s all I can do for now.

This is more or less the conclusion I meant to reach, but since half the arguments and reasoning are missing, it doesn’t make sense and feels like an asspull for the sake of attentionwhoring. It’s not, and I can assure you there is legitimate reasoning behind this, I just can’t access it rn: To add more finality to the actual question that I tried to properly explain here but clearly turned out incapable of doing so, I have rather convoluted but justified mental and psychological issues for being single. These aren’t by choice, these aren’t because I enjoy being lonely, in fact I’ve desired the opposite since I was a child, but for various reasons I cannot fully explain yet, it wouldn’t be good at all for neither me nor my partner, not with the way I am right now (and this current failure is proof of that). Instead, I’ll keep sitting on my ass, waiting for a miracle that will never happen, with mental and and physical issues getting worse and worse as a consequence. But in its own way, that’s desirable for me; which is based on another issue, rooted even deeper in my psychology, one that is probably the source of all my issues. But I can’t talk about that yet.

Other than that, there’s practical issues too. I’ll be leaving the continent this summer. I have very little positive memories about the last 8 years, the 2nd chapter of my life, but I don’t want to start getting attached to this life just as it is about to end. That would be the worst possible way to leave, and I need a clean cut at all costs. So yeah, no SO for me.

#dont read this #personal #reference #guy's introspection #this basically took me the entire day but like 75% is missing don't read this.#Anonymous

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presidentsims · 7 years

Text

Will... I Am Here Forever

Will… I Am Here Forever

I remember how it began and how it is supposed to end. I mean I did not come here to argue about religion or semantics. Shit I fucked up many of times and got diagnosed as bipolar and schizophrenic by doctors in two different states. I lost my drivers license and ride my bike everywhere but I remembered that I traded a physical car for a spiritual car with a dope Co-pilot that has followed every instruction written in time. I do not remember who you are but you remembered that I like to work and three’s and flourish when someone threatens a good time. It funny how religious scholars and just regular people who follow a religion, in general, think their “God” would come back performing magical shit to send the world over the edge. Imagine if you saw a guy walking around turning water into wine, blowing trumpets, and calling for their disciples to begin the process to destroy the world and start a new everlasting Heaven with Jesus or 72 virgins. I sorry but that is not how this story ends, quite honestly this story will never end if we do not learn to love each other for who we are and just chill.

There once was a kid that wanted to know why everything was so black and white, why their was good and evil. Why a good person goes to Heaven and a bad person went to Hell. So he dug deep and found the answer and started spreading shit he shouldn’t have. O the universe had to fix itself and he lost his mind. By the time he lost his mind it was too late, people started using the words he said to control the simple minded and gain power for themselves. Over time the world started changing and a small amount of chaos start to ensue in different parts of the world and humanity kept trying to fix it by building. They built rules, regulations, and governments. They built structures, industries, and culture. The more they built, the more they had to build to maintain i=order in the world they were creating. Now here we are in 2017 demolishing the system they built with love, understanding, and a little bit of humor. The thing is you can not destroy a civilization with politics, because that leads to war. War will lead to total chaos and total chaos will lead to well… The end.

Many people may be lost by the words that I am speaking but that is okay because if you keep reading you will start to understand the words that you read from these pages. This is not a biography, but it sure as hell isn’t fictional story. I mean you can believe it is, I would not be mad. I’ve lost my mind to many times trying to find the right words to find myself again. Yeah I am the kid that found out the purpose of good and evil. I am the kid that tried to figure this shit out. I am the kid that ruined the world trying to make it better. The thing is we are going to keep building until… Well we find a solution to something that is simple to fix. We are going to build something that will destroy the Earth before we can reach an enlighten stage and we are going to start all over and live this same life. Why? Well I tested a perfect system and I am suppose to learn a lesson. I have learned the lesson already multiple times but Man as a whole has not learned the lesson because I’ve always either killed myself before I wrote this story, shared the story, or I lived my in silence with my best friend secretly sharing the story with each other to ensure we both weren’t crazy. We both have anxiety problems. He takes anxiety medications to help him and I smoke cigarettes. We are the living breathing definition of fight or flight.

So what am I trying to get at with this story? Well I found my true love, with tattoos, art, music, and drugs I can now say I am ready to tell the story and fix the attempt to fix the world. I am down to the hardest part because I do not know if I have been here before. I could lose my mind again… If I do I will kill myself but if I can make it through this fall without ending up in the hospital again. I will know this is how it all begins again, this is how we make it to a happy heaven like place. The science and religious talk is going to get weird but I have taken enough time away. Plus my love looks good with his deer tattoo, lol I don’t even care if I have sex with him. We just chill, smoke, and talk. This religion built and created by “God” has trained the human psyche to group up find someone to love and marry them and have a family and kid with them. I but I never read that shit in my bible. Then again I never finished the bible in this lifetime. Anyways a majority of the population runs around looking for that person to love but in all actuality we just looking for someone to fuck or hold us and give us their attention when no one else does. That lifestyle may be for you but it’s not for everyone, you could say I am a lonely gay guy just writing of that fantasy because I will never find love but I find love in so many other ways.

This will not be your regular love story about how a two people find each other and fall in love with each others. This is a love story about a person who loves them self so much it blossoms into the atmosphere around them. I bet you’re tired of my rambling and would love to know where it all began? Well it all started with this nerd I had my eyes on from middle school through High school. It was the middle school field day and there he was, a tall nerdy 8th grader they looked like Harry Potter. It was love at first sight, I did not know what sex was, I was just attracted to him and I wanted to hangout and play video games and just talk about shit. Well I let that go because guys should not like other guys. I grew up in a very religious family. Well then boom out came all the middle school lesbians guiding me to being comfortable with the idea of being gay. Lol I remember I dated this one girl in middle school as a bread so people would stop calling me gay. By the time 7th grade rolled around I was the best wingman, I would stand in front of my friend and the girl she was talking to and blocked the teachers view so they could kiss on the playground. Then it began I started looking for someone to kiss, someone to like, someone be with.

Once I made it to high school along came another nerdy white kid in choir, the kid that outed and changed my life forever. See when I was a freshman my sister was a senior and my brother was a junior. We all went to the same school so when one person finds out you’re gay everyone does. Eventually my brother and sister found out but they pretended like they didn’t know, people at my church found out and they started making rude comments about being gay in bible study and hinting to my youth pastor that I was gay. Once that happened I said fuck it and started looking for someone to kiss and hold in public, not just a person to fuck me. Actually I don’t even get fucked anymore that whole situation just kind of ruined bottoming for me. Well along came my best friend. This cute little artist in my biology class, I mean he did not become my best friend until my senior year of school when he moved in with me because of person beef with his parents that I still do not understand. To be honest I could write a whole book on our friendship… But I mean ugh that is not what we are here for. Something’s have to remain a secret, but I love a good deer. Then along came my first real relationship, that nerdy kid I had a crush on in middle school… Yeah I went for him, I went the sweet route. I went to a football game with our mutual friends and brought him food from the concession. When that didn’t work I started texting him everyday. I mean he was a quiet kid but he was fun as fuck. Eventually I gave up the sweet shit and when straight for the kids heart… I offered him a blowjob :) Shit I got to stop offering guys blowjobs. Some guys think that shit is weird and call you a rapist.

So after I gave him a blowjob I played the waiting game. All the way up to prom, I noticed he was going to prom with his friends and I was going to prom with my girl that I will always love no matter how crazy she drives me. Well, my dumbass friend decided to wear some high ass hooker heels to prom and decided to leave 20 minutes into prom so there I was at prom all alone having a good as time and in comes Christian looking fine as ever. That was the night I asked to dance.The night we fell in love. Shit, I said this was not your typical love story but your heart is probably melting right now. Well, stick around because this is where it all begins. This is where I found out what the world calls love. Holy shit this story is about to get good fuck. Ambiguity begins for those of you who do not know who am I am. The truth is being told to my friends who know my story. Thanks to Will I am found again. By the grace of God I am here to stay forever. I am not a writer so feel free to edit..

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