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#another blood knight
blood-orange-juice · 4 months
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ok so ive never properly played genshin and don’t plan to but i know a bit about it’s lore and characters and i think it’s really neat. however i have thousands of hours on ffxiv. on that note please explain why graha and childe are similar. i only have very basic knowledge on childe and i gotta know
Fellow ffxiv enjoyer. <3
(anyone asking me about G'raha has a 100% chance of getting a wall of text and I'm not apologising for that. enjoy your wall of text)
I'm not entirely sure I'm not a case of a person with a hammer to whom everything resembles a nail, but I do think they are the same archetype.
Sweet characters who could have been perfect sidekicks (who still are perfect sidekicks) but listened to too many epic tales as kids and found themselves in a wrong place at a wrong time and now have to play a key role in some universe-changing story.
Both are defined mostly by their stubborness, they are not very suitable for the roles they've chosen and fail over and over again until they do it somewhat right (barely).
No matter how badass they look, their power is not their own, G'raha is a glorified technician of someone else's miracle and little else than a living key, Childe wields an art of old Khaenri'ah without fully understanding it. It's all borrowed from someone else who needed them to achieve a goal.
They do look badass, but mostly because they larp. I'm honestly not sure which one enjoys theatrics more.
Civilisations that created the magic they use specialised in perversion of the natural order of things. They try to use it in relatively noble ways and mostly hurt themselves but the flavour is there.
Both are unbelievably tragic and both somehow make their stories seem almost lighthearted. Complete absense of self-pity. I think that's what makes them both so charming, it's a rare trait.
Both have an incredible capacity for loyalty and love and an incredibly twisted view of what relationships look like. "I'll cross time and space for you, I'll die for you, I'll build a city for you, I'll live for you but please don't ask me to share my plans." "I'll sacrfice my own health and respect of my subordinates to keep my brother's happyness, probably my humanity too, but don't expect me to actually interact with him."
Both have something that looks like self-sacrificial tendencies bordering on suicidality while being, if we are honest, a self-serving trait (partially born out of low self-esteem but still self-serving). They want to live in an old myth and sacrificing oneself is a perfectly reasonable price for that.
Huge egos. And I mean Huge Egos. It's a bit less obvious in Graha's case but I know the type, you see guys like that in PhD programs a lot.
Huge dorks. Both of them.
Both are stuck somewhere between human and non-human and, hmm... their ability to remain human is the most astonishing quality of both. By all accounts, neither should have. They somehow did.
Both are incapable of lying to the point where a third of each fandom headcanons them as autistic. Both are somewhat all right with tricking people without technically lying (although Childe had more practice).
Both are secretive because no one would understand anyway.
FF XIV is a kinder story, so it's easy to overlook, but technically G'raha is a case of body horror, accepts the role of a villain for a while and hides from the player way too much. Hmmm... Where else have I seen it. Hmm. Oh right. That ginger guy from Genshin.
Minor things:
Both are little shits and enjoy annoying the hell out of people they dislike.
Abysmally bad fashion sense. There should be a name for this particular type and level of bad. I don't think I've seen this anywhere else.
And then there's the colour scheme. Red+black+white+blue and red+black+light grey+blue (it's an "anime magician" color profile, I think. black-red-white as alchemy colours + blue as pure magic/something elemental). Childe doesn't quite fit but still the combination is rare.
They way they talk. Dear gods. Who the hell talks like that.
Here's where the similarities end.
One is morally grey but ultimately a good guy (technically. I think the point of ShB was that Emet and G'raha are almost the same), another is a morally grey but still (kind of) a bad buy.
At every step of his story Graha is surrounded by people who love or at least appreciate him, Childe is pretty much on his own and surrounded by people who are either shitty or clueless.
G'raha is kind. Truly and astonishingly kind, in a doomed world he chooses to love everything he touches. Silly little priest of hope. Of all the things he has done this is the most wondrous, I think. Not the time travel, not the city he founded, just being able to remain kind after everything that happened to him.
Childe is... well, Childe. I think he is a deeply decent person (to the point of having a visceral distaste for any kind of unfairness) and he's idealistic but he's indifferent more than he is kind. Empathy usually develops only when someone has shown the person empathy first and, as far as we know, he didn't have much of that in his life.
Also G'raha builds things. Childe breaks things. Childe breaks pretty much everything he touches.
One is an archeologist and a mage and another is a warrior.
I think these differences are caused mostly by the settings they were put into. Childe raised in Sharlayan would have been a very different person. G'raha trained by a voidsent and shipped off to Garlean military would look very much like Childe.
G'raha also has a beautiful character development arc. I love his ShB role. He has this huge ego in the raids and is insufferable and then we see an older and wiser him with a bunch of actual achievements and a bad case of impostor syndrome (trying to do anything real always humbles a person, we all know that real world is held together by sticks and scotch tape. honestly, this change alone is beautiful). And he gets to be an actual hero when he abandons all hope to be Important and resigns to die as a nameless villain if it saves everyone and spares his loved ones from heartbreak.
Childe's character development is yet to happen and I'm not hoping for much but we'll see.
The only difference that definitely isn't created by setting is that G'raha is naturally manipulative. In a kind-hearted way and mostly for the sake of better larp but he isn't that straightforward. Childe is spectacularly blunt for all his mysteriousness.
As a bonus, they both compare main characters to stars, but in completely different ways.
"No doubt your heroism will be the star by which I chart my course," says G'raha to the WoL.
Childe mentions the morning star, which is, of course, pretty and a good companion to a lonely traveler, but also it's not a celestial body you can chart your course by.
It's a guy whose signature weapon is called "Polar Star" and his first artifact set was full of nautical themes, so I think he fully understands what he's saying. "You are my friend but I won't change anything in my life for you."
So I don't think his story will be anything like G'raha's, his life took a different turn very long ago. I do think they used to be similar as kids, bookish boys who dreamed of adventure and being special. So it's fun to compare.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk. <3
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starflungwaddledee · 7 months
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kirbytober 2023 11 + 13 + 17: another dimension + ancient + knight [ prev || next ]
wings.jpg the comic
scene from an AU where something happened and you hope it was a miracle, but probably not!
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hollownest-whore · 8 months
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Posting infrequently as ever o7! Don't worry guys <3
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I don't post alot abt this AU because it is just "ghost in a kingdom full of my ocs" but I love it!!!
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antlerpunk · 1 year
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insects of inferno
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post-it-notes7 · 9 months
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hghghghghhghhg the mir garlude arc is Killing me I love it - how close did dmk come to loosing that eye anyways? It seems like down the line he still has full use of it so did he just get really lucky on that first blow or is there still something up with it?
following this related ask
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He got extremely lucky, considering what that sword can do to reflections, and only took a glancing blow. Being what some could liken to as "the prince of the Mirror World", DMK also had access to the kind of healing that could mend the damage before it became something worse. The wounds inflicted on reflections by that sword are not supposed to heal on their own, and they wouldn't have without help.
Of course, neither DMK or Mir Falspar knew that right then. That sword was kept at the Mir GSA in secret under Mir Arthur, Mir Nonsurat, and Mir Garlude's watch. The most DMK can tell is that something was off about it, and that the tiny little scratch it gave him feels like it's trying to tear him apart.
(present day, his scar occasionally acts up and is followed by brief flashes of sharp pain in his left eye, though he's not admitting this to anyone.)
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bryndeavour · 6 months
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artzysyam · 7 months
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Frigid Nightmare
Snippets from @xysidhequeen AU. Based on the question about Jason comforted Danny after a nightmare...
Jason slumped back against the wall, his chest heaving as he drained a bottle of water mixed with ectoplasm. His training with Fright Knight was over, and it had been a year and a half since he came out from the grave, six months since he was knighted as Red Knight, four months since he discovered that Batman had replaced him, with mere seven months after his death.
The pain welled up in Jason's heart and soul - the same pain that had driven him to mow down the rebellion in another realm who dared to challenge Danny. Danny had seen him that day, standing alone amidst the demon corpses as their blood caked his human form. His eyes were raised to the sky, which burned orange from battle, and tears rolled down his cheeks unchecked.
Jason took a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut and willing himself not to be dragged back down into despair. The members of his newfound family tried their best to keep him in the present moment, teaching him how to allow himself to express hurt and anger without being punished for it.
Fright Knight's dark figure towered over Jason, his gaze unwavering. His deep voice rumbled through the room. "Are you well, my apprentice?"
Jason hesitated before responding, unsure of how to express what he was feeling. "I'm ... just reminiscing Frighty."
Fright Knight hummed in response and knelt down before Jason, his eyes softening with compassion. "As I said before, no one has ever been chosen as my apprentice before you, Jason Todd - King Phantom chose you, and I'll do my utmost best to ensure that you're strong enough to protect our liege."
Jason was warmed by Fright Knight's honesty. He knew from Jazz's counselling sessions that healing from trauma isn't linear - there will be highs and lows as well as scarring that must be endured. A wistful smile spread across his face as he thanked his mentor. 
"You're welcome, my apprentice," Fright Knight replied, standing tall once again before saying something else - but a high-pitched screech cut him off. Immediately, Fright Knight summoned a flaming green sword while Jason stood up with gun in hand, prepared to jump into action against any incoming attack.
His heart thundered in his chest, his core aflutter with anxiety and panic as he remembered the last time Danny had one of these episodes. Dread clawed at Jason's stomach as he and Fright Knight raced down the hallway leading to their liege's chamber, only to be stopped short by a violent blizzard raging between them and their King.
"Our liege is having a night terror again, we need to get Master Nocturne now!" Fright Knight yelled over the roar of the wind, looking at his apprentice with worry in his eyes. Jason could feel his vision tinge green as something inside of him screamed for him to go check on his King.
"Fright. You go on and get Nox, I'll go in to see our king is safe!" Jason shouted back, before sprinting into the howling storm.
"Jason!!" Fright Knight called out desperately, but his apprentice was already lost in the turmoil of snow and ice. With an exasperated curse, Fright Knight summoned his mount and set off to find Nocturne as quickly as possible.
Meanwhile, Jason trudged through the blizzard with his toned arms raised, shielding his face and the red flaming sword in the other. His breath came in ragged gasps, pluming out of his mouth and nose like smoke from a dragon's nostrils. "Mom! Dad! Please, I'm your son!" Jason heard Danny's voice yelled against the howling wind. 
"Don't ever call us that to our son's face, ghost!" Maddie Fenton's voice screamed back. Jason's heart sank as he recalled Danny's story of why he stayed in Infinite Realms. His parents had not taken kindly to his reveal, capturing him and nearly vivisecting him before his friends had saved him. The voices in the blizzard retold Danny's trauma again and again. "Dad! It hurts, Dad! It really hurts!" 
The frigid air felt like razors on Jason's skin, but his rage and core urged him forward like an animal spurred on by instinct. He thought of Danny, his king, HIS. The memory of the day when he went on a rampage came to mind, but instead of pure rage taking over, it was a controlled fury fueled by an unwavering desire to protect what mattered most to him.
"Where is my son? You're not my Danny'o!" Jack Fenton's words ricocheted through the storm as Jason continued on towards the frozen door.
Finally, he reached Danny's room and Jason grasped Ifrit, his red flaming sword, tightly in his dominant hand. With a single, powerful thrust of the blade, the intense heat blasting from its edge shattered the frozen door open. As the shards of wood flew outward into the hallway, Jason saw Danny curled on his bed with his hands over his hair. Thankfully, his body wasn't frozen. The chill that radiated through the room was colder than anything within Far Frozen and made Jason shiver as he rushed towards Danny whose body jolted in response to his voice.
"Danny!" he shouted out, his core sending the wave of protection and safety to Danny, who winced from the shout.
Jason's boots crunched through the snow as he approached Danny, kneeling down beside him. He grasped his King's shoulder, his own warmth spreading into the coldness of Danny's body. "Danny," he repeated softly, and felt the tension in his King's body ease slightly. 
Danny looked up, eyes widening in recognition and relief. "Jason?" he said, voice trembling.
Smiling reassuringly, Jason sent a wave of warmth and reassurance through his core. "I'm here, Danny. I'm here."
As if in response to their exchange, the blizzard outside ceased, and the room began to warm from within.
Danny inched closer to Jason, his exhausted body desperate for warmth. The embrace created a sense of safety as he felt Jason's toned arm tighten around him.
"Your parents?" Jason asked softly. Danny, too tired to speak, simply nodded in response.
"Do you want to sleep?" Jason asked, his fingers lightly stroking Danny's hair. He shook his head no and looked up at Jason with wide, pleading eyes.
"You're tired," Jason sighed, brushing a stray lock of hair away from Danny's face. "Do you want me to stay with you so you don't have to be alone?" Danny nodded again, relieved that he didn't have to speak.
Jason looked to the far corner of the room and saw a small puddle of melted ice where the frigid castle had been moments before. The knight hoisted up the tall, lanky king from the floor and carried him towards his bed, cradling him like a koala cub as he went. As he was about to lay the king down on the bed, Jason heard his mentor and Nocturne enter the room.
"I see you handled the situation, my apprentice," Fright Knight said as they stepped into the doorway.
"Yeah... He got the nightmare of his fucking parents..." Jason replied, tightening his grip around the helpless king protectively as Danny clung to him. He fought to keep his composure, reigning in his anger.
Nocturne, the ghostly figure of sleep and dream, swept into the room on a midnight breeze. He cast his gentle spell of slumber onto the King as he lay in Jason's arms, and watched with fondness to ensure his ward was at peace.
"That should keep him tucked in for a few hours," Nocturne said before turning to Jason. "Do you need my assistance, young Knight?"
Jason looked down at the King, peaceful and unaware, and then back to the ghost. "Nah, I'm good," he sighed. "I just need some time to calm down." Nocturne nodded silently, before he dissipated into the ether like a whisper.
Fright Knight stood in the doorway, illuminated by the faint candlelight in the room. His helmet blocked the majority of his ghostly features, but Jason could still detect a hint of pride in his mentor's voice. He paused for a moment and turned his helmet to glance at Jason, then said, “Rest well and be proud of how far you come, Jason Todd.” With that, Fright Knight disappeared into the shadows, leaving Jason alone with his king in his arms.
Danny snuggled close against Jason and he felt a wave of protectiveness wash over him. Rage coursed through him as he thought about Fentons - if he ever found them, they would fucking pay for what they have done to Danny. As Danny slept peacefully on his chest, Jason vowed to never let anyone hurt him again. He tightened his embrace around Danny and promised himself that when Danny needed him, he would always be there.
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purble-gaymer · 8 months
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you’re praying to the ghost in your blood to save your soul (x)
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age-of-moonknight · 6 months
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“Deliverance,” Marvel Zombies: Black, White & Blood (Vol. 1/2023), #1.
Writer: Ashley Allen; Artist: Justin Mason; Letterer: Clayton Cowles
#Marvel#Marvel comics#Marvel Zombies: Black White & Blood#Moon Knight comics#latest release#Moon Knight#Marc Spector#Khonshu#so yeah this is yet another story that ends on the incredibly bitter note of Marc fully handing the reins over to Khonshu#(with the added bonus of being zombified and eating former comrades)#but idk this page in particular got me thinking (on multiple things) so bear with me#firstly I find it increasingly interesting how in these short stories a reoccurring theme if the creators are going for the horror angle#is Khonshu taking full control and yeah that’s terrifying considering how much of modern MK comics are about restoring autonomy#both in the literal sense (shaking off Khonshu’s influence and kicking him to the curb) and in a more ephemeral sense (proving that#while categorically neurodivergent MK’s not just «some loony» but a dependable hero in his own right#so I guess it just gets me that in this case it’s a matter of sacrifice#that Marc would give up something he fought endlessly hard for to save civilian lives (although the creators succeed in making this#still feel like not a complete victory)#the other major things for me is Khonshu’s «faith has never needed rationality» which is…something I take personal umbrage with#that’s a common understanding of the term but arguably the strongest faith is born of rationality#the idea of logically coming to the conclusion that «I have combed through everything on this Earth and determined that there are something#outside the human understanding and thus I’ll hold strong to a faith in something not of this world#the fingerprints/evidences of which are still apparent even in this world too»#thus personally I see Khonshu’s statement there as another example of his oft-used manipulation: his attempts to convince Marc that#his mind and consequently Marc himself are unreliable and useless without Khonshu’s guidance#(i.e. overbearing and uncaring control) and tbh that’s pretty horrific
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baerryjj · 1 year
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So uh. Protective Loretta?? Anyone?? 🧍
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sp1resong · 9 months
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handful of scavs
in order: she/her, he/him, they/them, and he/it
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starflungwaddledee · 3 months
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Ok, for an AU I'm cooking up, what if my OC Periwinkle (who is actually a fragment of Void Termina's power with the full extent of their memories and abilities, though they are nice, until you physically smack/smack talk/hurt the feelings her friends out of malice (she's able to sense emotions), then she will not hesitate to bonk you with a live explosive (expert with the Bomb copy ability) and "give you a proper lesson on not hurting my friends".) met your Galacta Knight? How would the situation play out? (Maybe Galacta comes to her universe then destroys her friend's cooking utensils, and she decides to spare the vandal no chill at all.)
hmmm i'm not suuuper comfortable answering questions like this, sorry! especially with folks who i don't know well... i don't really know your oc and i'm also not comfortable just being like "well he k-words (the oc)" to strangers who might not find that fun, yanno?
i think you'd have to characterise him in a way that suited you and your story/oc/au/needs, and then decide from there! like... what you described with the cooking utensils... no, my version of him wouldn't do anything like that haha. so you'd need to make your own charactisation where something like that worked!
i'd enjoy being That Person With The Evil Galacta Knight Characterisation and i'm happy to answer general questions about my personal hcs of him for sure, but i certainly don't have any sort of monopoly on making him nasty. i feel like there's actually a significant amount of evidence in canon itself for him to be Not Nice! so you can of course characterise your own version of him however you like too!!
the galacta knight that i personally headcanon (who is mostly present in awtdy au) is simultaneously chill and unchill. if someone minds their business and doesn't get in his way or interrupt his plans- which revolve around kirby and meta knight in awtdy au- he doesn't really care about them. this is kind of evident in the way he overlooks bandee's potential entirely.
however if they are a threat to him or his plans, he deals with them. he also sometimes takes a sadistic interest in figures he can project the things he hates onto. in our headcanons in particular he has a specific hatred of dark matter and mages, if that works for you and gives you anything to chew on! fwiw in the star allies arc of awtdy void termina is never released, because galacta knight lays eyes on hyness for 0.2 seconds before fileting him like a fish.
he's just not really a hesitater. and that takes most folks- who want to talk, who want to monologue, who maybe have the hope this can be sorted out- by enough surprise that he generally gets in there first.
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gethoce · 1 year
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A Knightmare in the Underworld: No fighting on the Train
[Prev] - [Next]
[First]
As the train moves on Axe Knight tries to keep the mood steady, pointing out notable locations to Meta Knight as they appear and explaining things along with Blood Knight. Meanwhile Papi just watches the situation disgruntled, only occasionally chiming in with an addition or correction if an explanation seems particularly off to him. Both of the other underworld warriors laugh it off, especially Blood Knight.
"I swear Papi isn't always like that. He's actually a really nice kid, it's just that he really really hates me."
"Everything goes wrong whenever you're involved. The pattern doesn't lie."
"At least I am involved."
Both Axe Knight and Blood Knight begin to laugh heartily. Not even Meta Knight can resist a chuckle, meanwhile Papi's expression darkens even further. Instead of engaging with the insult he looks outside the window to see for how much longer he has to endure the company of these knights.
"Stop at the next station. We'll have to go on foot from there on out."
At that moment a light in the upper corner of the train's dashboard begins to shine and a monitor displays the name of a station. Blood Knight takes a look at it while addressing Papi.
"Looks like we're gonna stop there anyway. Someone ordered a ride."
He tabs the monitor to switch to a different screen which shows a camera recording of the station and is immediately met with a close up of Morpho Knight's face. Holding back a laugh he turns to his guests pointing at the screen.
"Oh, it's… You know. The one we're looking for."
Papi moans, rolling his eyes annoyed about the waste of time he just experienced. Axe Knight chuckles while Meta Knight tilts his head in confusion.
"That I did not expect from them."
"Morpho and I have known one another for a very long time. We're comfortable enough with each other to be silly like that."
"I see. It's like with my crew."
Upon hearing these words from his boss Axe Knight almost explodes from happiness, he can hardly hide his excitement. Papi, still sitting next to him, begins to slowly move away in dismay.
Meanwhile Blood Knight has his eyes on the upcoming station and notices Morpho Knight waiting, however, unexpectedly, they are not alone. Next to them stands Galacta Knight, the Greatest Warrior in the Galaxy!
"That's Galacta Knight. Galacta Knight is with Morpho Knight."
"Galacta Knight is here!?"
He mutters, followed by all three of his guests. Blood Knight brings the train to a halt at the station shortly after and opens the door for the two ancient warriors. Both enter, Morpho Knight smiling at Blood Knight warmly at first greeting him, yet upon noticing Meta Knight they immediately turn hostile and draw their sword.
Galacta Knight jumps into a corner with a flap of his wings and holds up his shield defensively. Without hesitation Meta Knight lets his cape fall back and draws his treasured sword Galaxia from within it to counterattack. As the two swords clash Papi withdraws his own weapon, a nasty looking mace and attempts to swing it in Meta Knight's direction only to be met with Axe Knight's axe.
"NO FIGHTING IN THE TRAIN!!"
"NO FIGHTING ON MY FUCKING TRAIN!!!"
With sudden brute force Blood Knight pushes Morpho Knight out the door using his water ability to help wash them outside the vehicle. The lighter warrior had no choice but to leave the train immediately. At the same time Axe Knight kicks Papi with full power and he as well gets washed out before he can react. Immediately after Blood Knight pulls a lever that shuts the train's doors and additional water is shot from the train's sides to push the two butterfly warriors further away.
The train begins to pick up speed leaving both Papi and Morpho Knight in the mud. The remaining warriors look at each other with heavy breathing. Axe Knight points at Galacta Knight dramatically shouting.
"We found Galacta Knight! Mission successful!"
To that Galacta Knight does a little victory dance akin to Kirby's classic dances with his hands in the air.
"I have been found! What does that mean, though?"
Meta Knight shakes his head in dismay with Galaxia still in his hand.
"That was only one of our goals. I also meant to ask Morpho Knight why they attacked Magolor, Marx and I at The Divine Terminus. Admittedly I should have expected them to be hostile towards me once again."
Then Blood Knight points at him still trying to figure out the situation in his head.
"You! You acted in self-defence!"
"Yes?"
"Great. This is how I'll justify this to Morpho Knight."
He then turns back to his dashboard to check in on the current status. At the same time Axe Knight sits back down followed by Meta Knight and then Galacta Knight. The skull-faced warrior shrugs even though he himself had been concerned for a moment.
"Morpho Knight and Papi both know as well as you and me that fighting is forbidden in here. Lord Meta Knight, however, didn't and is therefore excused."
"Sounds about right."
Blood Knight nods while watching his monitors in an attempt to catch a glimpse of Morpho Knight in the camera footage with no success.
"You see, this used to happen a lot and the train has derailed because of that far more often than I wanna think about. I began to insist on a no-fighting rule in here, anyone who doesn't follow this rule gets kicked out immediately."
"I've been in here while it happened one time. It was almost as bad as that one time the Halberd crashed."
Axe Knight nods along approving of every word his old friend says. The remaining two warriors listen carefully before addressing one another, starting with Galacta Knight.
"Last time we met, when you were travelling with that noddy and the halcandran, what happened?"
"Morpho Knight… absorbed you and then attacked us. We defeated them, but you didn't reappear. We were worried about you, Galacta Knight. I should be the one to ask what happened."
"Apparently Morpho Knight brought me here to fight someone or something. Typical."
To that Blood Knight joins the conversation again.
"Dark Nebula. A negative Matterborn, Darksouldream hybrid. If you guys don't mind I'll bring us there and we quickly take care of them so Morpho has less reason to be mad on us and then I'll bring you all back to the overworld. Deal?"
"Deal."
Everyone agrees, eager to get this whole thing over with. The pressure of the Underworld lays heavy on both the souls of Meta Knight and Galacta Knight, neither wishing to stay for longer than they need to.
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vixlenxe · 4 months
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Xaos mega hating on the Ishgardian trio & all of them are just like three different versions of '??? Okay??'
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moondoposting · 2 years
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love reading the official descriptions for moon knight black white and blood issues. it starts like “THIS HOUSE-HAUNTING ISSUE OF BLACK WHITE AND BLOOD IS GONNA BLOW YOUR ENTIRE PUSSY OFF” and then a third of the stories are like. marc hangs out at a diner with his buddies. marc hangs out with spider-man and lends him his cool suit. future marc protects this small girl with a balloon. day in the life of moon knight: cat POV.
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afieldinengland · 5 months
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#i’m starting to wonder if i hate myself for having been born a transsexual#it’s not shame— but there’s something in the way i think about myself that’s deep and bitter. i don’t know. well i’ve never enjoyed myself#in general. i’ve never been ashamed of it and i’ve never been proud of it in fact i hate talking about it entirely#and i’ve realised i don’t even like thinking about it too deeply. too knee-deep in history’s men-image#(by which he means richard ii and oscar wilde and injured knights with long hair and poets on laudanum and artists on cocaine)#i feel sick. it isn’t a sickness because i can’t be ‘cured’ and i don’t want to be and it’s intrinsic but modern vocabulary feels heavy in#my mouth and puts me in a petri dish. even ‘transsexual’ feels like uber modern parlance sometimes. i can’t do it#but that’s the word. just sometimes i think it would have all been easier if things had gone otherwise. and i know that makes me bad at thi#i have to speak to you in your language. and i don’t know what i mean by that or even where that thought comes from. it’s your language#i should be in the bronze age right now i’m sorry i got waylaid. i got lost#i can’t stop being it but if i think too much about it i start wanting to eat my own fingers and i think— and this is my hypothesis—#it’s because i’ve never enjoyed myself i’ve never been in a healthy relationship and i can’t remember the last time i had fun#but then that’s another thing i’m not made for. that’s a lie there is a desperate aesthete in here who has been so starved of hedonism for#as long as i’ve had him that he’s hoarse. i’m tired i’ve been walking for nine hundred years my feet hurt#i don’t know. why me why now et cetera. i’m just wondering if i don’t despise myself a bit for it— like it’s a trick i did in a past life#again. it’s a privilege. it’s more intrinsic to my personhood than blood type or astigmatism or that weird thing i have with my hip#and i could be proud of it if only i could work out how. i’m content— in the same way i’m content with everything— but i don’t know.#i don’t like talking about it i don’t like thinking about it because it feels like i’m losing the game i’m constantly playing against mysel#in my head. i’m my own personal spin doctor you see#whatever. sorry. in light of doing better i can get this out too. can you believe i haven’t been kissed in years
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