Tumgik
#and we cant seem to get free of it.
marklikely · 2 years
Text
functionally zero difference between dudebros who get angry at a teenage girl for wearing a nirvana t shirt and tumblrinas having a meltdown that an extremely popular kate bush song was used in a tv show
21 notes · View notes
kaeyachi · 2 months
Text
Kaeya had always been an efficient and hard-working individual (he had to be to support Diluc in the background as his brother rose thru the ranks after all).
He has so much free time because he completes all his work way ahead of schedule. And if he still has enough time, he adds more to the workload in secret.
And once all of that was done and over with, he makes time for everyone. He has to. He feels as if every moment has to be given to someone else.
No one knows how he does it. No one has to know.
Every mission has a dozen strategies in line, and every battle plan is made with efficiency in mind. His perfect record will not be tarnished. He can't risk it (even if it baffles others that he would willingly activate a ruin guard just to prevent a failed mission. Jean disagrees with his methods, but Kaeya can say that the results say otherwise)
He needs to be quick.
Efficient.
Perfect.
And so he comes and goes like the wind.
Kaeya values time because he knew every second counted. He can't just stand there as if he were frozen. Time could run out in an instant.
Kaeya had only been late once his entire life.
He'd rather he never be late ever again.
It took one day of being of being imperfect for everything to fall apart. On that tragic day...had he gotten there on time... then maybe...
.
.
.
" Come on, let's get moving, traveler. We're not frozen in place after all. " Kaeya teasingly says. He stiffles a giggle at the traveler's exhasperated sigh.
"Yeah yeah, we've heard enough of you calling us a slacker. Can't you be a bit more patient?" Paimon whines at him.
Kaeya snorts, but acquiesces, hiding the shaking of his hands at the thought of being idle.
He imagines hearing a clock ticking.
Kaeya knows that that is his own problem. He tries his hardest to relax as he waits for the traveler to finish whatever they're making on the alchemy table because, seriously, it is supposed to be a relaxing day. There's nothing major going on, and his schedule is once again empty as intended. What's the hurry?
Kaeya taps his foot on the ground as he waits. He wishes he could take his own damn advice when he tells others to relax.
#kaeyachi randoms#kaeya#kaeya alberich#this is actually shorter than it originally was can yall believe?#kaeya with anxiety truther there i said it#kaeya cant stand being IDLE#get it? get it?#you see that is a play of words in reference to when he is stood idle on our screens. he is one of the more verbally impatient characters#and we also see it reflected on his actions both in fighting and at work. he has a speed boost bonus and if he isnt teleporting he is#actually moving so fast that he seems like it. this is what i also concluded that results him in large amounts of free time that only amber#seemed to be hardpressed about. the people of mondstadt find him reliable and approachable despite the lax attitude and frequent nights at#angels share. we also had lore tidbits before of kaeya straight up saying he finished all his work and jean saying that he also did the#backlogged ones. It is actually insane that we hear him relaxing frequently and i bet its not because of the lack of horses COZ LOOK AT HOW#BUSY THE OTHER CAPTAINS ARE. Also id like to think that he is a toned down noelle and that is why jean told him to watch over her training#give us noelle and kaeya interactions pls i kinda need it tbh#to all those that reached this far into the notes i actually have more to say so get ready#if it wasnt clear the only day he was late was when crepus died. everything fell apart for him that day so i can see some obsessive need to#just keep running around and doing things as efficient as possible. I also think that he found the knights slow and inefficient in several#occasions and he is willing to put them in the line of fire just to get their hearts pumping with adrenaline (and fear lol). idk kaeya is#just so anxiety-coded. impatience-core. Mr. dont waste my time type of guy. and also wow look i found a way to make his idles become angst#silly me ehe#oh youre still here? how about i tell you that kaeya-efficiency-alberich probably knows where everyone is at any time of the day?#can we honestly please give him more free time i need more of him tbh#fun reminder that bro is working around 3-4 jobs casually lmao#i also just realized that the notes is a whole nother post on its own#AND THE ACTUAL FUNNY PART IS I CAN STILL ELABORATE MORE ON THIS LMAO#wait let me add this one tiny idea too but he thinks time is so valuable. bro lost 2 dads and lost time with his bro + he significantly#lessened his time at dawn winery for quite some time. i can see why he is extroverted now.
156 notes · View notes
orcelito · 4 months
Text
Ok. Real question. How many people Actually have believed in Santa? Bc I never did, mostly bc my dad never bothered with the entire pretense, so the whole concept is just. Really fucking strange to me
Putting an actual poll bc I feel like I'm losing my mind a bit thinking about how apparently widespread it is. Like. It's just so... weird? Why is this the thing people have popularized? It makes no sense.
#speculation nation#polls#like ok my dad's an atheist raised by jewish parents so xmas has never really been a religious sort of holiday to me#we celebrate it bc it's fun to give gifts and spend time with family#but that's... it.#all the lore and mythos of xmas is just so weird to me#like baby jesus etc etc but now here comes saint nicholas with the steel chair! (breaking into your house to eat your cookies#and leave presents Only for the rich kids! why only the rich ones? uhmmm Dont worry about it!)#genuinely speaking my dad's worked at ups my whole life so growing up he'd say he (and the rest of his coworkers) were the real santas#said as a joke mostly bc theyre the ones Actually delivering the packages#but i took it to heart. told people at school that my dad was the Real santa.#no one believed me lol which i found quite frustrating.#but yeah i have never once in my entire life believed in Santa#and im content with that. it seems like such a stupid thing i will be honest.#'what about the magic of christmas' what about the poor kids who dont get gifts & feel abandoned by this all-powerful man?#in fact why do we Want kids to not think it's their parents giving gifts? they cant thank the right people if we trick them.#it's a convoluted setup that makes absolutely 0 sense to me#trust me christmas had more than enough 'magic' for me as a kid just bc of all the cool lights and all the free gifts#dont need some mythological man who can travel the globe in one night and is a professional in B&E#makes no sense for Real.#there was a time with my ex step siblings where me n my sister were told not to spoil the fun for them#so i had to pretend like santa existed as they opened presents marked from him#and even back then i was just thinking 'this is So Dumb'#this is an anti santa zone i guess. me and myself hate the popularized version of this strange strange belief system.
41 notes · View notes
everythingsinred · 6 months
Text
Family and the Institution of Alice Academy
Was thinking about this ever since someone (I forgot specifically who, sorry) posed a question like this in the GA discord, asking about (I think) Natsume's extended family or something like that. It was a really interesting concept that I've been thinking a lot about since it was brought up, so here are the thoughts I've accumulated. I'll try to be concise but I have a LOT of thoughts and my brain is messy.
My general opinion at the end of all this thinking I did is that I don't think Academy students typically have very close familial ties after graduating.
I think the most apparent reason for that would be that students are expected to graduate when they are twenty years old. Our main four are exceptions to the rule, coming to the Academy pretty late in life. Most children are taken early, as toddlers or even babies. Natsume, Ruka, and Hotaru's families did all they could to avoid Academy scouting. Mikan was entirely accidental--if she had never met Hotaru, she might have never even found out she was an Alice to begin with. That being said, most kids were separated from their families at a very young age, only to be allowed to reunite with them once they're already adults. For many students, they've been away from their parents for close to two decades.
On top of that, the Academy doesn't allow visitations or phone calls and severely restricts letter communications. Only one child from each class is allowed to return home for one week each year, and that one week does not do much to make up for all the time spent at school.
My point is that by the time students are allowed to see their families again, that familial bond has already been severed, for all intents and purposes. That feeling of closeness and protection no longer exists. Students will feel more closeness and connection to their classmates and even to their teachers than to their parents or siblings, and as a result, I can imagine many graduates not even bothering to visit their families.
While I was pondering this, I made the connection between Academy students and the real life example of a similar situation with Janissaries from the Ottoman Empire. Basically, Janissaries were children stolen from the subjugated people under Ottoman rule. They were taken for the purpose of a "child levy", also known as a "blood tax." Some children were even willingly given by their families due to the possibility of socially advancing, and because the children were promised first class status (sound familiar?). Essentially the children were taken, forced to comply with Ottoman standards and traditions (including forced conversions and circumcisions), and then trained for military service. These soldiers would actually end up being incredibly loyal and efficient, despite likely never seeing their families again.
(Edit: forced circumcisions are particularly heinous when you consider that the children were typically at least 10 years old at the time they were taken.... so.... uh.... not pleasant.... But also interesting that the Janissaries were typically much older than the Alice children at the time of being taken.)
That level of separation doesn't endear ties; it severs them. These Janissaries--very often forcefully taken from their families--ended up growing up with very little connection to their parents or siblings. The feeling of belonging to their previous communities was gone. Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. This was done as a means of creating a strong military force but also to disillusion subjugated communities and tear away their hope. Their children could always be taken; their communities could always be crushed, even without the use of physical force. It's a very effective tool to oppress a group of people.
(There's actually a lot of similarities between Academy children and Janissaries beside the separation of children from their families. They were also paid for their service and were high ranking; the Academy students are given an allowance and many of them, despite being stolen from their families, have a sense of superiority over non-Alices. They feel like they are treasures, and are of higher value and rank. Additionally, Academy students, especially in the DA class, are highly trained and efficient child soldiers, much like the Janissaries. Janissaries are actually a super interesting historical topic and are worth looking into!)
We can even see the effect of this distance when Yuka escapes the Academy and runs away to her family. Yuka was essentially sold to the Academy, with her parents trading her in exchange for money and status. She was very young, far too young to really understand that her parents had abandoned her. As a result, she romanticized her bond with them, and the longer she was separated from them, the more that bond became fantastical. She made many attempts to escape the school to reunite with her parents and she fantasized about seeing them again. When she finally is able to, it's nothing like she imagined. They're cold, and unfamiliar. They don't recognize her. She doesn't know her brothers. They're related, but there's no real connection.
Tumblr media
"I shouldn't have come here."
Yuka's is an extreme example, but I'm sure she's not an exception. For most Academy students, the almost 20 years of separation from their parents would be too much to ignore. They would not recognize each other, or be close. I'm sure many parents did not sell their children like Yuka's family did, but the bond between child and family had not been nurtured the way it should have been, resulting in coldness and distance.
Because of that, I doubt most students even bother seeking their families out, or even if they do, it's to visit a few times before starting a new life with a career. That familial bond, now broken, is difficult to repair. The connections people often feel with their families or hometowns is something Academy students instead feel with each other. They are all Alices, all in the same boat together. That feeling of superiority that many kids feel means they view each other as on the same level, and I'm sure that could interfere with family connection as well.
Thus, I don't think there's many multigenerational Alice families out there with close bonds. I don't think families like Natsume's have strong ties with grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. Even the sibling bonds at the Academy are stunted, with the Imai and Shouda siblings being the prime examples of that.
The Imai siblings have a significant age difference, yes, but additionally the Imai parents had a very different approach to Hotaru after seeing what happened with Subaru. They refused to hand her over as easily, wanting to show her important things in life and build happy memories for as long as they could. Even when Hotaru does enter the school, it's more than six months before she even comes across her brother, since the high school and elementary school are not integrated with each other and they do not belong to the same ability class. Similarly, the Shouda siblings are in different ability classes but they have a much smaller age gap. Despite this, Sumire refers to her brother very respectfully, indicating that there isn't a particular closeness.
The Imais fight against this divide, and put in genuine effort into rebuilding their relationship, but it's a difficult process, and one they struggle to admit to for a long time and for various reasons. Familial closeness is not encouraged, not even within the Academy.
(Though Natsume's bond with Aoi is exploited and the school does rely on him caring for her to take advantage of him, but ultimately he is kept from seeing her. Thus, that bond is also severed despite being exploited.)
Additionally, it would make sense to me if many Alice graduates decided to, upon having children, avoid scouting, like Natsume's parents did, and thus ended up moving around a lot to escape Academy notice. Moving around like that and laying low means that you're not going to be hosting huge family reunions or inviting relatives over often, even if all the other points were moot.
Finally, I think all this creates further obstacles for Yuka's wish to "have a family." At some point she says that, for normal people, the desire to settle down with someone and start a family is a pretty modest goal, but for Alices it's almost impossible. Escaping from the school, or even graduating, is a struggle. And you can have a kid, but it's likely that child will be taken from you, just as you were taken, and by the time the child graduates, they will have no connection with you. Wanting to be a potential grandparent, for example, might seem like a definite impossibility, since being a real parent is impossible.
It's even more proof that the Academy exists as an institution to subjugate and undermine Alices, as children and then as parents. Ultimately, an Alice never has control, not as a child and not even as an adult. The pain doesn't end once you've graduated; in fact, it never does.
30 notes · View notes
alchemiclee · 7 months
Text
been looking in tags for a few days now to see if anyone else found the whole high cloud quintet and related story to be a bit.....poorly written, nonsensical, contradictory, full of plot holes and loose ends, etc. apparently i'm not the only one. (and i'm not even talking about shipping stuff, because any time I saw someone mad about bad writing, someone always replies to be homophobic and laugh about failed ships. weirdos.) it could have been so good but was thrown into the garbage for the most part (IF you noticed all the plot holes and contradiction. if not, then it's a fine enough story tbh. I expect most people to see it on surface level and not read all the little hidden lore bits and try to piece it together like my autistic brain did. which is ok! enjoy it if you liked it and ignore me 😆)
#apparently one of the writers did it on purpose. wont explain here. you can find it elsewhere. but it makes sense now#that's why it fell apart and didnt make sense in the end#ive seem people say anyone mad about it is a shipper and thats why. they use it as an excuse to be homophobes#youre gross get out of thos fandom. im here as someone upset about the story who was very skeptical about any ship theories and focused#more on plot theories and overall friendship and stuff so its not even about shipping you het weirdos!!!#the contradictions and plot holes are bd regrdless of who you ship lmao stop reducing it to that#aure its fine if you ignlre those plot holes. but it happened to be the little plot holes that interested me the most so its obvious to me😅#cant wait until a talented writer in the fandom rewrites the whole story a lot better and fills in the holes and ties up the end better#please someone do this 😭#words#hsr#i just wanted a close found family who met a tragic end#my idea for a better way to write it is dan feng wanted free from the high elder cycle and yingxing helped him create a new elder#but it went wrong and failed because the preceptors fed him wrong info hopong it woukd destroy dan feng since they hated him#instead it was yingxing that died and dan feng selfishly brought him back somehow and thats why hes immortal and hates dan heng now#they created a monster in the process that made a mess and baiheng died trying to kill it maybe but hit its weak spot#so it was weaked enough for jingliu to slay it#maybe for a plot twist jing yuan somehow knew the preceptors were up to something and didnt stop the two because#they were too stubborn and he knew it would do nothing#we know the dragon heart disappeared so either it ended becoming bailu in the end#or it could be inaide blade bow. another fun possible plot twist. they never explained where it went so it coukd be a n y w h e r e#i had other ideas but i forget now. bht baiheng deserves better as well. just being a plot mechanism to make two dudes be stupid#is kinda bland and boring and wasted her character. she deserves better too!!!!#id write this if i had the time and brain power but ill hope someone else does it instead#OH yeah i forgot a big idea. dan feng and yingxing perhaps try to also kill the arbor and end the abundance and long life/reincarnation#and maybe that was one part that led to it all going wrong or something. since yingxing wanted revenge on the abundance for destroying#his home and family???? and dan feng wanted to escape the cycle? similar wants that worked together snd failed#these are all ideas from past theories i read and my own ideas i came up with all of which are better than what that bad writer did!#these are very incomplete ideas that im sure someone else can write better#lee rambles
13 notes · View notes
Text
exciting announcement from russell t davies: mullvad vpn and qbittorrent have obtained exclusive rights to doctor who in australia and other commonwealth countries
42 notes · View notes
bmpmp3 · 5 months
Text
some day i will actually finish all my half finished cover projects instead of getting distracted and starting a new one., some day .
(propose by naisho no pierced, svp made from the midi they provided lol)
#vocal synth wip#synthv#genbu lite#sorry i like. inexplicably fell head over heels for genbu both his fucked up lite and his actual bank#how do i explain that i love genbu Because i think he kinda sucks without pissing off both genbu fans and genbu haters#actually thats not fair his full bank seems decent and out of the volor voices hes not That Bad#he sounds a little worse quality than eleanor (who is personally not my taste but shes solid despite that)#but hes not quite renri level or anything (and i say that will all the love in my heart for synthv renri <3 <3 <3)#(although shes free so i cant get too mad either way LOL)#(but genbu was also the first male bank we got for synthv so i cant get too mad at him either <3 hes an old man)#but like. he sounds like a decent but slightly glitchy utau bank. and his lite sounds like a REALLY glitchy utau bank HJKDSHKds#listen. i havent been able to use utau in forever because i had gotten a new computer a few years back#and i didnt wanna break anything by switching locales so i havent been able to install it orz#and im still struggling to wrap my head around openutau.....i'll get there. i'll get there someday#but genbu and especially his fucked up lite is kinda scratching that itch you know#like his lite is apparently based off his higher range and not his mid range? so thats why hes always fucking YELLING#thats so so funny to me i love that he sounds so odd. fucked up little robot man who screams and whispers randomly#lemme tell u working with his lite specifically. i imagine this isnt a problem on his full because u have all the ranges#but the lite since its one range you have to FIGHT HIM to get him to either stop yelling or speak up HGKDHJds#its wonderful. i love a project
2 notes · View notes
starswallowingsea · 2 years
Text
So Vanitas no Carte, huh.
This post is brought to you by my late night ramblings in the tags of this post
Spoilers, Theories, and Angst below. You have been warned.
So in the panel linked above, Vanitas says “If I’m going to be killed, I want Noe to do it.” and way back in chapter 9, we have Louis saying something very similar, “If I’m going to die anyway, I want [Noe] to do it.” These are some very obvious parallels for Noe’s whole character arc, and given what happened to Louis, it’s been making me think about what the end of this series will look like eventually.
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Okay tumblr won’t let me put these images next to each other to shorten the post, so apologies in advance if this gets long. Anyway, with Louis, he’s had his true name stolen and is essentially “corrupted” and the bourreaus will kill him anyway once word spreads. He’s begging Noe to kill him so he doesn’t have to die at the hands of someone who doesn’t seem him for himself, even as he’s losing a grip on his sense of self. Unfortunately, Noe can’t bring himself to do it. He’s only a kid at this point, after all, and it ends up being his Teacher who does the deed.
Now with Vanitas, we know he has a mark of Vanitas of the Blue Moon on his arm and we know it spreads as he uses Vanitas’ power, slowly taking his humanity away from him. We’ve seen what would happen if he were to exert himself too much with Mikhail in the most recent arc, and we also have it confirmed that Noe has never killed anyone, though we know by the end of the series he’ll kill Vanitas.
Tumblr media Tumblr media
I think, based on this, that Vanitas’ mark will continue to spread and eventually try to take over his body, turning him from a human to a vampire and that’s something we know Vanitas doesn’t want. While he hates humans and vampires equally, he values his own humanity and doesn’t want to change into something he isn’t without his ability to control it. Vanitas will begin losing control, and Noe will have to be faced with that decision of kill him or let him live as something he isn’t, as something destructive, or let someone else kill him. But we already know how that decision ends.
With Noe killing Vanitas.
42 notes · View notes
Text
Tumblr media
random pic for tag diary (made these from kneadable eraser)
#idkkkk just feeling some type of way?#last weekend i was hanging out with some friends and we were just talking about how long we want to live idk#and my boyfriend is the first person ive heard saying that he wants to get at least 120 bc like so many of us are just sad kids#who are scared of a future that seems so dystopian#and in comes this idiot (affectionately) going 'i need to get at least 120 i want all the time i can get'#i dont fully know why but he said 'life's the only thing we get for free and you know that i cant say no to free things' and i almost cried#it was just so very earnest and sweet and im used to being friends with a lot of cynical people#hes good for me i think. softens me up. bc im definitely more on the rough side and hes just very emotional and (a bit over)dramatic#its really funny actually bc were like. super effeminate boyfriend x super masculine girlfriend and tis probably hilarious from the outside#even if i feel super inadequate sometimes bc he's so thoughtful and romantic and im. well. not really. im more like a block of wood#romantically speaking#idk i just stand there and feel awkward a lot bc i cant deal with affection too well but it helps that hes just so sweet#like when we were on our drive through half of germany and we just talked about so much and it was things like favorite colors#or singing along to the beatles on one of his player pianos (dont ask)#it can get a bit much but hes just so easy to talk to. idk why im making a blog entry from this but hey :)#anyways what i wanted to say. it's nice to have someone in my life whos less cynical than me
8 notes · View notes
fabulouslygaybean · 11 months
Text
i hate the come-down period after doing literally anything fun at all at any point in time. i went to a movie theater on friday and then to a convention on the following weekend, which was incredibly fun! i loved it! but there's always a come-down period, where everything feels awful because i know im going to be stuck in my house again, rotting away like always, unable to do anything outside of these walls for who knows how long. its hard to keep doing things i enjoy if i know that im just going to feel awful afterwards.
3 notes · View notes
transgothicgenre · 1 year
Text
i really like mole because it's like. it's about a lot of things. but one of the biggest parts to me is the paranoia . like. "i know what you want and you know what i want" is already so incredibly damning bc that's not how human interaction works so at least one of these parties is making assumptions. and then just following that line up with "information, information". again its the assumption bc neither party is saying with any clarity what the information is so they could be communicating on totally different wavelengths but there's still just that unspoken level of assumption. you know what i want. i know what you want. we don't need to specify at all. you know. i know.
#sorry im like. hghghhghj. march makes me weird#im also. god. i feel bad because i cannot be normal about this#no longer talking abt the goats btw feel free to ignore if youre not invested in my personal life#but ive figured out whats setting me off and its so strange#bc i thought i got over it. this is a thing of the past. literally nearly a decade ago by this point#there is not a single me that remembers it and those that do are seeing someone else's warped vision of it#but it's. a thing. and it's messing me up. and i can't stop it and it frustrates me#i tried to ask my brain to stop it and they explicitly told me 'you don't get to make that request'.#and like. on monday i thought they were deliberating about what to do but it seems like theyre not or if they are they just wont tell me#and its. sucks. cause i dont like being excluded from conversations in the first place#and then theres people talking about things that im not present for which is a large part of what is freaking me out#(i say large part. i mean a small part interwoven w the rest but i don't know for sure bc i literally don't know)#but theyre just. im not. nobody is telling me anything. and im all alone and im getting paranoid about it. so hence the moleposting#its just frustrating cause some parts are avoidable and others arent#like shes always going to know things we dont know bc thats the basic idea of it#but she doesnt have to lie. about it. and misleading.#i dont want to confront her but i get the feeling that at some point i will not be given a choice which is unfortunate#considering that's likely to be big and loud and public#and i dont like that theyre collaborating without telling us. when the informed consent is sus. but thats gonna stop soon#they said its gonna stop soon and i have no choice but to believe them bc i cant. do anything. if theyre lying#i will say i cant like. speak for all parts but some of them have been sliding me notes under the table so to speak and theyre on my side#so that's something#but i really don't wanna have to explain anything. especially not publicly especially not to her etc etc#aand im getting the headache again so that is a sign to stop. goobaba all i hope tomorrow will be better#post
5 notes · View notes
hopeheartfilia · 2 years
Text
i dont know ben but i greatly approve of his sweater
#its iconic and being a meme adds to it being a good sweater#also i mean. idk if ill keep watcing first kill but like it#it was built for me to check it out#i just finished reading gallant recently#ive always been a fan of vampires baring the lack of a twilight phase#and i mean. blood. lesbians. all my favourite things#frankly i am very early on in episode one buuut#its giving me the radleys vibes#which. im logically aware that book probably isnt as good as i think it is but it does have a special pace in my heart#idk the pages were red on the sides and i thought it was the coolest thing ever#im really hoping that me knowing all the mysic isnt a sing of a lucifet situation#less in paper lucifer seems like something i could like at a first glance#and when a friend was watching it she kept trying to get me to see it do tue my positive reactions to all the music that was living rent#free in her head afterwards but like. i really cant watch lucifee its avery boring shoe#and while vampires eith fake blood pills es exactly my cup of tea.. looking at you. vampire knight obsession.#and it does have milk and honey as in homosexuality and blood. i do think they are gay.#this is one of those rare occasions where i didnt know anythint much about the show before i put it on.#i was like. im bored do we wanna watch soemthing on the hsared netflix account#oooh seems vampiric whats it about#oh shwab ive been digging her stuff and im definetly still in the mood for her writhing style#lets check it out#first kill#also i liek how the episode is tittled first kiss#even if im usually quite particular to the slowburn developments so i hope#i suprsingly enough hope for little romantic development in ep one#i want them to very tentatively start a friendhsip. idk i dont even knwo the other main heroine#and idk if ill love the mc weve already met or wish to strangle her with my bare hands#she has that vibe that ill probably have strong opinions about her
4 notes · View notes
timehascomeagain · 2 years
Text
Im sore and guilty and i want to be held until the feelings go away. <- 24/7 shouted chant in the back of my brain
#i feel so badd😭😭 i will always put myself ahead of what i owe other people but not in a good way in a deeply selfish unkind unpleasant#way. like girl no one cares u were overwhelmed with school and work get a fucking grip on yourself.#i dont know what it is i just find it all so difficult. i feel like ill always let people down by dropping out of touch so it's just better#not to try at all WHICH DOESNY EVEN MAKE SENSE..........#but i feel so bad bc my mum so#unded so put out when she asked why i hadnt been texting her while she was away#and i didnt even have an answer#and i feel this visceral tug of grief every time i think of my grandma as if shses not still alive and also waiting to hear from me. it all#feels so frahile and temporary and like theres so much riding on it all and im so stressed and it's not good. anne Carson did you ever figu#re out where to put it down etc#im just so freaked out. i have to write 3 essays tomorrow ajd clean the house and avoid getting into any shit with my family. it's all#painfully real now ngl#i feel so alone but i cant bring myself to nurture the connections ive got. especially family. and it sucks. i wish it didnt feel like it#is all on me to keep everything together.#like i guess it's just a matter of really really trying to balance everything bc at the end of the day id rather have a late essay than kno#w i put an essay before my family.#but it's all just sooooooooòooooooiioooooiioioioiouououiyoririioo#Omfg i realized today that the intro of free in the knowledge uses the same chord progression asthat 1 bit of sweet song thats like#And ahhhhh it seems that we keep falling apart but i hope i see the good in you come back again. which i think is neat.#also i think someone is using the blundering#the blender* and i am not impressed.#oh my god im just so tired i think getting a job might have been a mistake. i think surviving birth was a mistake actually🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
2 notes · View notes
public-trans-it · 2 months
Note
Suddenly reblogging more trans positivity posts won't change anything. We all know what you really are.
Did you just quote that stupid line from Twilight at me?
1 note · View note
cryptidapprentice · 7 months
Text
man,,,
#marine myths rambles#in the tags#dating app diary#i feel so bad bc now that i AM getting matches on these freakin apps i have to Talk and Make Conversation and ideally Meet Up and its like..#suddenly i am Not In The Mood actually. to talk OR hang out. n i feel BAD bc these seem like nice ppl!!! who id love to at least befriend!!!#(i have bumble n im not listed as looking for anything particular so friendship is in fact an option)#or maybe even smthn more!!! but like. idk why suddenly as soon as i get a match its like '...oh. hmm. idk if i wanna talk actually' 😭😭#like if i had to guess id say its my gd OCD avoidance response thats making me not wanna do the Hard Thing (Talking) but its also like...#...do i rly wanna meet My Person this way?? CAN i rly meet my person this way???? like so much of my whole desire to date someone is like-#-getting along suuuuper well as friends n being able to click personality n humorwise n shit n THEN im like 'oh id love to date this person-#this person'* im not retyping all tht lol#but being on an app kinda takes tht away for me?? ig im just not made for like. online/internet dating :V#bc i think that Click has to be like. In Person for me to reach that point yk?? like i could click w ppl online n be friends fine!! but like#if we meet in person and that irl interaction isnt like the online interactions (which its usually Not just bc of the nature of Online..)#and we dont Click the same way... its like... man... i dont think we can be romantic partners WHICH I FEEL BAD ABT bc its like.#i dont wanna lead anyone on... so it sucks if we click online but i dont feel that same Click in person 🥲🥲#idk maybe im just not emotionally ready to date?????? ugh ig ~24yrs of being single'll do tht to a person 🥲🥲#feel free to dm me w like. advice or smthn if u read all this n have smthn to say 🤷🏽‍♀️ i cant guarantee ill respond (bc im shy 🥴)#BUT ill def read n consider ur words i prommie (also sometimes i dont respond bc idk what to say 😖 but im not ignoring i see u n i hear u)#(not in a creepy literal way. in a figurative way.)
0 notes
avo-kat · 1 year
Text
so, lets see. ive had a pretty good time last year (after august). im doing really, really well.
and yet - i still got things i havent processed. that i merely shoved aside, thinking, well, i already dealed with that before, is any more necessary?
and it was fine, honestly. i am fine. but, occasionally, id remember, id think, id ruminate, id shove it away again. because i am fine, really.
except for this only small, little thing. this one tiny thing i dont wanna think about it, because - well, because it makes me feel bad.
and i dont want to feel bad. i wanted to forget it happened. i wanted to forget what happened, to me. i want to forget what i did and what i didnt do. i wanted to forget the betrayel (somebody elses and mine).
its always gonna catch up to you.
sigh.
0 notes