#and then i complain about how miserable i am that i havent done anything with myself when im too scared to actually do the work of making | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pezpenser205 · 3 months

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the fact that whenever you look up anything "concerning" on google it gives you those prewritten messages telling you to reach out to someone feels so insulting.

no i dont need you to baby me with your ai suicide prevention prompts and even if i sent those (to who???), people would only be fighting to "save" who they think i am which doesnt exist anymore despite me trying to hold on so hard to who i was a couple years ago that i lost everything else their opinion doesnt matter anyway.

i dont believe anyone (irl or online) has a connection with me or actually understands me and im just going to end up alone rotting the same way as an adult with a degree i wont use so id rather just fantasize about suicide, put off my coursework, ramble like a fucking lunatic drafting suicide notes and look at gore until i snap and get it over with if im being completely honest because if i reached out to anyone i know irl and was 100% honest with them about whats wrong with me they would tell me to go ahead and kill myself or hospitalize me on the spot because thats how far the disconnect is between who my family thinks i am and how i actually am and being hospitalized as me would be worse than dying.

can you tell ive given up on caring whether or not any of you like me yet. can you tell that attention means nothing to me anymore because people mean nothing to me and we're all just meat. can you tell that i could not care less if i make people feel bad or concern them anymore. can you tell that im rotting and hate everything about existing here and everything i do is painful and unenjoyable. i would say im rotting alive but calling what i am right now alive is insulting to life itself. i get no pleasure from anything at all and dont talk to anyone and only take things. i have made the world a worse place and i havent even enjoyed myself.

i was always going to end up here leeching off of people that work harder than me while liveblogging my nosedive into a journey to kill myself as slow as possible to poor undeserving people who followed someone that doesnt exist anymore until i die alone never having done anything with myself or the potential every adult in my life insisted i had. i Should have died so many years ago before anyone knew there was something seriously wrong with me and i wasnt as far gone and as irreversibly shameless and raving as i am now. im too lazy to put in the effort to actually kill myself right now and i dont wanna fail again. im not going back to the mental hospital. but if i died in the next 30 minutes i wouldnt complain.

the worst part about all of this is that i dont care. yes im miserable and crying so hard i throw up and get splitting headaches at least twice a week but im never gonna put in the effort to fix it because i dont feel like i have anything to fix it for. but i cant find anything to fix it for because i cant get attached to anyone or anything in a positive way and nothing makes me happy and i just have to continue on like im still a person thats alive and enjoys stuff and i am too apathetic to try any harder than i already am. i feel like im trapped in an endless cycle with a brain that doesnt work, refuses to work, and a life i never asked for thats too overwhelming for me to even begin to live. i have had a net negative impact on the world and i should have never been born in the first place. i wish my mom and i werent lucky and actually died when she was giving birth. after everything we both deserve it.

#op #suicide mention #suicide #i just want to stop hurting is that so much to ask

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tetranocular · 2 years

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having a personality disorder is absolute balls

the whole ethos of my life is just.. finding an easier way because i have zero tolerance for hard things

i cant just push through the way other people often can, so when an easy alternative isnt available, i crack under pressure and give up

and my threshold for what is or isnt easy is slowly shifting so that more things feel impossible to do

and its not like i cant do challenging things, im capable on occasion, but i cant choose what those things are at all, even when its something i KNOW will benefit me, or when it’s something i REALLY want to do

and the extra sucky thing is that when i try and communicate this to my parents, they dont seem to get it at all, which is an extremely frustrating and isolating experience

and its not like i havent worked to try and change this. ive been in therapy since i was 13. that’s a decade. a decade of therapy and there’s nothing to show for it. hell, it was only a couple years ago that we were finally like “oh hey you might have a personality disorder!”

so what did i do? i went and found a therapist who specialized in personality disorders, i told him what hasnt worked for me in the past, and he essentially said “shit, the things that havent worked for you in the past are the only things i know how to do, sorry :/”

and ive kept him despite making basically no progress with him because he’s one of the few therapists willing to keep my parents at bay for me, because they just cant accept that i dont work the same way as them and dont trust me enough to make decisions about my life and need some dude who also understands very little about me to echo what i say in order to actually take shit seriously

because if he didnt do that, they’d start hounding me about doing things their way again, despite the fact that it made me 10x more miserable. hell, even with him keeping them at bay, they still try and do that! my therapist just makes it so its less frequent

god, and before anyone says anything, im SO fucking tired of people telling me what i need to do to improve my life

if you have a suggestion, chances are, ive already tried it, so just please fucking dont

like man ive tried so much shit. i’ve been to a wilderness program, ive been to a therapeutic boarding school, ive done yoga and breathing exercises and mediation and cbt and dbt and exercise and group therapy and VARIOUS meds. fuck, the only thing i feel like i HAVENT tried is sending electric waves directly into my brain, and thats only because people say that the treatment can make your memory worse, and i already cant remember most of the shit i do each day. even so, im STILL considering trying that out, because i just dont know what else to do

i just... i really wish i could approach life in a different way, but they dont call personality disorders ‘personality rigidity’ for nothing. shit feels impossible to change. ive spent half my life trying to be even mildly functional, and it hasnt worked, so at this point, im tempted to say that i just cant

and the thing is that its just so fucking typical of me. giving up because it’s hard. but im just so fucking tired of trying. believe me, if it seemed like shit was working, id probably have a bit more drive, but ive been running in place for a decade. im tired. i want to just be able to exist as-is without someone (cough cough my parents) complaining to me that im ill-equipped for the world and that im not doing enough and wasting my life

i know! believe me, i know!! i AM ill-equipped for the world, and shit, i probably am not doing enough, but unless you can wave a magic fucking wand and fix it for me, youre just gonna have to take me the way i am, because i dont see change on the horizon

#ugh... just rambling #i dont know whether im more frustrated with my disorder or with the way people treat me because of it #the thing is that im usually just fine when my parents get off my back and let me live my own life #but because im dependent on them they think its just fine to fuck with my mental health just because they feel entitled to my time #like after getting dragged out to visit them ive thrown up twice and had my sleep schedule put in a tailspin #and my period got fucked up too and ive just been feeling WAY more tired than usual #so much that im back to taking naps all the time (which is a very bad sign for me)#but when i told my mom that i think i should go home she started crying about how i dont love her enough to stick around for christmas #calling me ungrateful and shit #and i just really want to go home

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anarchy-in-the-vent-blog · 2 years

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creating this at the behest of a friend who may or may not just want to stop listening to me. cannot entirely blame them as i wouldnt want to listen to me either always complaining but it really piles onto my feeling that im not that close to anybody. today, and i dont know if this is what im really upset about or just a broken shoelace, i lost a writing contest over a script that i've been working on and off on for about a year. i did not expect to win necessarily, but the year before this i was a finalist in the same contest with a script i had spent only a few days on. im pretty devastated rn. i thought this would be a chance to get a foot in the door of professional comics, or at least a big ego boost, and i got fucking nothing after months and months and months of work and honing this story. i cant even think of anything i should have done differently, my story was good my presentation was incredible there were fewer contestants this year than last year i went the extra mile and threw in an entire edited polished script along with my pitch document and pitch video, i did a fucking somersault at the beginning just to get these anglo fucks' attention and i got nothing. this creative shit isnt working out at all. ever since i was a kid i just wanted to be some kind of artist, the particulars changed every couple of years. i wanted to be a novelist for a while, a filmmaker, a musician, blah blah fucking blah. ive been working the last two years writing short stories and comics, over and over, i spend countless nights just writing and editing and reading more so i can get better ideas and for fucking what. the short story market out there is abysmal. i cant even submit to most anthologies bc theyre so idpol focused that only 1/3 of them accept manuscripts from straight white guys, and the ones that do accept have only 1/2 a chance of responding to you at all when they reject you, and maybe 1/20 of the ones that send a rejection email actually give a reason why, even if a brief one. i've sent out about 100 submissions for a dozen or so stories in the last few years and i've only sold two to two of the smallest magazines that nobody's ever heard of. one of them went bankrupt immediately after the issue in which they horribly misprinted my story (1/3 of it got cut somehow "accidentally"), and the other one is a small run new zealand gimmick theme publisher that i actually lost money on just ordering myself a copy of. maybe it was a fucking scam, idk. but they only made $5. I've made less than $30 selling fiction unless that haunted doll counts and i'm fucking miserable. I'm keeping up other creative hobbies that are going nowhere too. I just finished and released an hour long album a few weeks ago that i put two fucking years of my life into planning, writing, recording, editing, re-recording, mastering, promoting. I've worked harder on this album than anything else i've ever actually released and i think maybe only 4 people in total have listened to it. My closest friends have given it a cursory glance. i dont make art entirely for attention but how the fuck am i supposed to keep going if im getting kicked in the ribs any time i put anything out. nobody ever reads my stories, when i get rejected i never find out why, nobody ever listens to my music. the joy of creating in itself is really slipping from me. nobody really cares about me. my friends keep insisting that they do but i dont know if they do much to show it. im an obvious third wheel half the time. my dad broke a 3 year sobriety. i swipe on bumble every day and havent gotten a like in weeks even though friends have told me that i look good. my grades are slipping. i'm out of work. i have no job prospects or any sort of prospects in general for the future. i haven't been in a relationship of any kind in almost two years. i havent been in a happy relationship since fucking high school. i have neither the time nor money for therapy. therapy has never worked for me in the past anyway. i am really considering suicide for the first time in a long while. i dont really

take any joy in anything anymore. even momentary physical pleasure like masturbating and eating unhealthy food feels like absolutely nothing. i feel scared all the time. i feel like im gonna get screamed at or beat up at any second, mostly from my dad but also from strangers. i feel like im always about to be verbally chastised by my friends. it kills me that i cant see things objectively, only from this shakey nervous point of view that i know is most of the problem. i cant help it. i dont know if ive forgotten how to socialize with people or if i never knew to begin with and im only losing my illusions now. i really dont feel like living. i havent felt good in years. not truly good, maybe not since i was 12. the last time i felt generally vaguely happy like everything was mostly okay was when i think i was 16. im never going to be a great artist. ill probably never have a girlfriend i actually care about. i find most people incredibly boring or cruel. ill never really know if my friends like me, or why they even tolerate me. im writing this while putting off an important essay i've barely started. my friends seem to get so much love and notoriety for the smallest artistic efforts. i feel too stupid to read whatever theory and manifestos it is i have to read in order to make things like they do for the people they do, but i dont even want that for myself. i just want to write comic books and short sci-fi stories and im too fucking retarded or hopeless to even do that for an audience larger than myself. im really really fucking hopeless, i really dont want to keep living if this is all life is. i have no reason to believe that there is anything else. most people cant stand to be around me and i dont like myself either, i cant stand being in the same body with me, i hate having to think my thoughts. i hate being stuck inside myself. i think im going to cry again. i guess ill put off the rest of this important essay for tomorrow and collect my B- with all the other fucking midwit nobodies.

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trickstarbrave · 5 years

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today in reasons i feel shitty: my friend blew up on me on twitter bc i kept ASKING him if he wanted to play dnd with us bc hes a part of our group. i asked him if he could LAST WEDNESDAY and he has been giving me the run around since then. saying “i dont know yet” and “ill tell you when i do”. i tell him to let us know sunday at least, because the only days off he has are monday and tuesday. he says okay

sunday evening comes and he hasnt said shit so i ask him. hes drunk and i tell him we’ll talk tomorrow. monday i ask him if he can play tomorrow and he says hes “not sure and will need to ask if theyre playing mtg” so i say “okay”. he doesnt reply back all day. TODAY i ask him if he wants to play today or not and he says “i have to pick up a court summons” (not, “actually sorry i am playing mtg today”, not “i dont feel like playing, im sorry”). i sound suspicious but say “okay” and remind him we havent played in over a week AS IS. and he then GOES OFF ON ME for “guilt tripping him” and “making it an ~obligation~ he plays” and how i “stress him out by asking over and over again”. when i tell him he should have told me straight out he didnt want to play instead of just giving vague “maybe i dont know” answers he gets defensive even more and says “I DID” and when i say “no, you didnt, the only thing vaguely like that is you saying “im gonna be tired” on a question about your days off. thats not a yes or no answer and lots of us play while tired so why would i assume it was something else”

“WELL ITS NOT MY FAULT YOURE A BUNCH OF SADISTS WHO HAD TO TURN A FUN CASUAL GAME INTO A OBLIGATION WHERE YOU ALL ARE FORCED TO PLAY SICK OR TIRED! i cant even SAY i dont want to play because you all guilt trip me and get mad when i do.”

see, he doesnt say “sorry guys my next days off will be full and im not up to it.” and apologize for keeping us waiting or giving us the go ahead to play without him (WEVE HAD THIS DISCUSSION BEFORE and PURPOSEFULLY made the game so if he doesnt want to play he can leave whenever so long as its not in the middle of a fucking mission. okay. its not like we just sit there doing nothing but complain if he cant play). he waits until the DAY OF OUR GAME to tell is he purposefully made plans on game night, no he cant change them, no he was absolutely always forced to do them right now during game time, and then get pissy when we all complain because we dont even have time to plan around him and have cleared out our evening for nothing and our time is wasted.

he then keeps going on and on because apparently i was just supposed to know the words “im tired” and his vague answers like hes genuinely unsure about the state of tomorrow were him “actually” telling me he doesnt even want to play and i should have fucking caught on, he wanted to quit this game MONTHS ago. i was just supposed to know him being ‘busy’ was a ‘secret message’ that actually meant ‘just stop even asking me when i want to play a game and hang out with my friends! just stop inviting me in general! i dont like you or the game! its not fun and stresses me out and im LYING to you.” and we just all fucking ignore him and play without him and let him figure out we havent even been giving him the opportunity to join to play

which is so fucking. terrible. who would just assume “thats what you mean”???? like imagine if you WERENT doing this and actually were really busy and your friends just eventually stopped even inviting you to game night, only for you to check the group chat months later and find out they have been playing without you and having fun and didnt even bother inviting you to anything at all. you just find this out. and by the time you figure it out they might have done a lot stuff or played games YOU wanted to play and they arent going to go back and replay the stuff you missed bc they just assumed you were lying to their faces and it wouldnt matter anyways if you were there or not. how hurtful would that be? imagine if some of your friends did that to you, would you be HAPPY they did it???

keep in mind HE is the one who picked out the VERY NEXT MISSION WE”RE ABOUT TO DO so fucking sorry if we assumed “HEY HE PROBABLY WANTS TO PLAY IT. YKNOW THE MISSION HE FUCKING PICKED OUT. THE MISSION INVOLVING STUFF SPECIFICALLY FOR HIS CHARACTER” oh my fucking god.

now i dont know the state of our group bc he yelled at me more and said he quit and deleted all his tweets and our dm is miserable and put the game on hiatus for 2 fucking weeks. i feel miserable too bc my friend has been lying to me and called me a guilt tripper and manipulative for reminding him hes stringing along 5 other people by not being fucking honest with us and said its OUR PROBLEM he cant be honest even though we structured the game so he can take MONTH long breaks if he needs to just give us the heads up. i told him he could quit once we got more than 3 players bc do you know how annoying it is to do a full campaign w only 2 characters playing???? bc one of the three dropped out??? i told him to just fucking play until then and he could quit for real and he went “but i DO wanna play : ( im just stressed!”

well now ill just fucking believe every time he complains abt smth like “man i have to spend money on this thing” that means we’re just not hanging out like we planned. im not gonna ask him if hes actually going to the ren fest even tho the bed situation was taken care of bc i just assume now that he only brought up the bed to tell me hes not fucking going and to fuck off. im not making a costume for it either if my best friend doesnt go im just gonna stay home.

i cant read the fucking air and he knows this. hes known me forever. he knows im ignorant and dont ‘get’ stuff like “if someone keeps canceling plans that means they want you to leave them the fuck alone and stop even inviting them or talking to them”. he knows im probably autistic and struggle with ‘unsaid” social cues like that and he just STILL does this and calls ME terrible for not ‘getting it’ and ‘forcing him’ to yell at me. im rtired.

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seouliloquy · 7 years

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I feel like the universe hates me.

I didnt get the need-based scholarship this semester. I went in to find out what the deal was and they said since i already got it twice they gave preference to other students who didnt get it yet.

Which makes like no sense cause everyone knows that without selling yor body its impossible to earn full tuition by yourself in Korea.

I mean i chose this path so its my fault and i should have prepared to pay the whole thing from the beginning right? But stupid me, relying in my advisor's recommendation letter to help me out I naively assumed i could safely earn half of it during the summer vacation and be okay.

I made the mistake of making this assumption and treating myself to a new workout outfit. I mean i've been exercisig a lot too and making decent fitness progress top so i deserve it right?

Then i find this out.

Which means i can apply for the tuition payment in installments...but that still means that somehow, magically, i need to increase my income by 800,000 won per month to make the payments and still manage 6 major classes.

And then i go to pay my health insurance today and at least get that taken care of because if i'm gonna be killing myself to survive this semester i better be able to pay for my likely hospital visit.

Speaking of which i still havent gotten my eye exam or blood test that I was supposed to get in uh...March....i'm sure my doctor thinks i left the country. But i need the discount on my tests and prescriptions....when i eventually get around to getting them done.

And O is just like "quit the jobs you have now, and stop playing soccer. my friend worked in a bar in Itaewon for 9,000 per hour and she even got tips i will ask her about it"

Okay, 9000 won per hour, in Itaewon, sounds sketchy to me. I dont trust it. Also that means late hours bartending and no tume to study and quitting the single thing i do that makes me happy anymore and having so social interaction with anyone anymore. Also i hate itaewon. Full of greasy scumbag men that will follow me and bother me and i dont even want to breathe the same air as them. And my current sandwich shop job is great, im the best employee and my boss values and respects me. The problem is i cant get more hours from him.

And my taekwondo and soccer classes are done as of today because they dont match up with my class schedule this semester. All of my classes finish at 5pm

She says "just try it this way" so easily. She has a 4.1 GPA and got full paid scholarship this semester and last semester. She hangs out with her friends all the time. She works enough to give herself pocket money and buy stuff online all the time and spend her entire life in the study rooms but she complains about gaining weight while eating chocolte and ramyun noodles all the time and hates exercising. Thats fine on her, she can do what she wants with her life. But for me, being active has helped me so much. Because its part of who I am, i was active my whole life and being a sedentary miserable student has been my downfall into depression and weight gain and more health problems.

I had signed up for a 7km marathon with two korean friends and their friends as a group and now i'm considering selling my ticket to extra cash.

And then to make everything worse, my ARC card is missing and i need to pay my health insurance. If i wait 3 weeks for a new card i'll have to pay for august, september and October all at once and i'll have no coverage until then and who knows wtf will happen knowing my luck.

O isnt planning on going to grad school. She's gonna get married with her bf and live haplily ever after doing who knows whatever. I need to go to grad school. My degree (if i even manage to finish this shit) is useless otherwise. All my time abroad and time spent studying will have no value as an American who can only speak English and decent Korean. I have no other skills except food service. I will graduate with no research or lab experience because my university sucks at having these kind of opportunities (for foreign students) and i will have no time to even volunteer or do an internship because i will have to WORK to survive.

And everyone is like "just take a semester off" like Koreans just dont get it at all and it drives me nuts.

I'm half ready to just pack up my shit and leave forever and just give up. I am just SO exhausted. Everytime anything good happens to me or I do one little thing for myself or makes me feel good (i completely regret going out for chicken and beer after work yesterday) shit like this happens. I'm tired of constantly having to find another job every 4 months. I'm runnig out of adaptability HP.

I just want a real break, for once. Like today os the last day of summer "vacation" and i'm not even excited or nervous about starting the semester but rather freaking out about how i will survive.

I'm not willing to quit my sandwich shop job because it gives me almost unlimited free food and it has so far been the most positive working environment i have had in the almost 5 years i've lived here. And its close to home so no commute cost or time...but getting more hours is the problem.

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audiovisualrecall · 6 years

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steph called on the way home from the deli, around 4:18, so i suggested we go to the ‘treasure sale’ flea market thing around the corner that was closing at 5. she told me to get ready, so i started finishing what i was in the middle of, expecting to be done and have shoes on by the time she got home. but literally 2 minutes later she comes in the house and is immediately rude and annoyed by me not being ready, and as soon as i said i had to use the bathroom started giving me a hard time. i got annoyed, went into the bathroom complaining, and was a little upset bc i wanted to do something fun, and she was being an ass by giving me a hard time abt the bathroom, and i was upset bc i havent been feeling well and didnt get anything done today etc - and she went on the attack, saying other people deal with this so much better than i do, that im a baby, etc. when i got out i told her she shouldn’t give me a hard time because i dont give her a hard time when she doesnt feel well - and somehow first she decided i was saying she never feels unwell and reminded me she has chronic pain, and then i repeated myself more clearly and she insisted she’s never had a day where she was a miserable whiny lump because of pain or discomfort, just to emphasize how silly i am that i cant deal with my stuff, and i just. things just got out of my control, and i got more frustrated and unable to make words work for me right and got even more frustrated as she turned things around and around and then i started throwing things bc the frustration needs to get Out of me somehow and she had a comment for that too, and i was just....pissed and upset, and she was gonna walk away looking like a daisy in this and it made me so mad that i was a rage monster and she was totally fine, and i threw a milk crate at the stairs and didnt make sure it wouldnt hit her legs, and when she came back down i apologized but she decided NO i cant say sorry because i dont mean it because im going to do it again and i got madder because you dont get to dictate what i feel or say, you dont have to accept an apology but you dont get to say that im gonna just do it again and that i shouldnt apologize and least of all you cant tell me that i dont mean it, because fuck you, i do. even if what she said about other ppl with crohns dealing with it better hurt me and was JUST as bad as what i did and was the verbal equivalent of me throwing something at her, except hers was TOTALYL UNPROVOKED and mine was in response to HER BULLSHIT. i still fucking apologize because i fucking mean it, not just because its the thing to say when u do something wrong, i say it because i am sorry, because i regret it, because i want you to know that i recognize it wasn’t right, i say sorry because i mean sorry. NOTICE how she NEVER EVER APOLOGIZES for anything like seriously she apologized maybe twice in the past 5 years? despite saying nasty things to me and ma and dad all the fucking time? despite taking her problems out on me and then blaming me when i explode bc im supposed to be working on not reacting but i haven’t been feeling well so its been more difficult not to! especially when she stabs at me like that. anyway so i yelled at her and she went to starbucks or something and then i yelled and cried alone in the house for a bit till i calmed, and then ma got home and i told her what happened and cried at her and talked abt it, and THEN steph got home! and while i went and tried to distract myself steph starts talking abt what happened to ma, and ma was trying to you know, let steph say her side of things and hear her out and then tried talking abt it to steph and just. every single response steph had was that i was the one that flipped out first, that she did nothing wrong, that theres NOTHING WRONG WITH TELLING ME THAT EVERYONE ELSE DEALS WITH THINGS BETTER THAN ME. ma was like everyone deals with things differently, etc. and im making comments from the other room because FUCK NO you just have no empathy sometimes steph, if you honestly believe there’s nothing wrong with telling someone that everyone else deals with the same health concerns better than they do, then you have a big problem. wtf. anyway so then she got on the track of she’s trying to look out for me or whatever, she’s saying it because she cares! sure! at least i think she was saying that. anyway! she just... and she got all mad that everyone says i react to her but no one says she reacts to me.... and i said some things abt her being nasty to everyone a lot which is true....it just....she doesnt see she did anything wrong and she did! and she refused to accept that i knew i did wrong too, which is silly, i know i was in the wrong too. it’s just that what she said was just as bad, and i only reacted in this case, she walked in being rude and then went on the attack when i was annoyed by her being annoyed and rude and impatient with me and got a bit upset, i reacted to her attack and her confusing and frustrating me by deciding i was saying things i wasnt and then that i didnt mean my apology. that’s it. i dont apologize for saying she should move out. i love her, i like her a lot when she’s being fun and enthusiastic and telling me stuff and talking abt design and tv shows, i like that she can consider other views on things given time to come to those conclusions (ie, realizing that the portrayal of autism in the good doctor doesnt sit perfectly with her, so i might’ve had some point in my concerns when i first told her i didnt like the show from what i’d heard - she came and talked abt the show with me the other day, and i told her, watch it if you like it, just dont take it as law on autistic ppl, and if something makes you uncomfortable abt it, thats your prerogative if u wanna stop watching. that was nice.) i like when we can discuss or debate something and be on opposite sides and it doesn’t become a screaming fight, we kinda see where we are and accept we have different views and we then go back to watching tv and its good. i like her a lot except when she turns around randomly and becomes nasty and mean and then insists there’s nothing wrong with what she said or how she said it. i dont like when she complains about people and refuses to see how hypocritical she can be. i dont like when she complains about our parents and gets mad when i dont agree with her 100%. and i don’t like when she throws words at me like knives and insists they’re harmless and have no connection to my anger or reactions. that everyone is unfair to her. when she’s MEAN a lot.

#long post #mimis personal journal #steph problems

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acidmatze · 5 years

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I havent cried out of lonelines and desperation in years but wow this year alone i have done it more often than all the other years combined

Im glad Im too stupid to simply give up though. I mean.. i have given up Its not going to get any better. And yet i am too stupid to leave because one damn braincell keeps hoping. And this hope causes so much pain.... It wont get any better for me. Ever. I cant imagine that anyone would even remotely want to be involved with me. Even on my best days Why would someone want that? I dont have anything to offer Even on my best days there are so many people who are better choices because they dont have bad days. I have them though and i was unbearable and unloveable before and im even more so on the bad days There wont be a happy end for me. I cant imagine not having an absolute miserable life full of me struggling to escape and find the happiness I wanted. Maybe Im buddhist because my subconsciousness is trying to tell me to stop wanting things. To just shut the fuck up and be quiet because I dont deserve normal people happiness so I should stop complaining about it. Its not worth it. Im not worth it. Words cant describe how much I hate this life and when i try people think I want to die which is wrong I dont want to die. I never wanted to die I just dont want to suffer anymore. I want to LIVE dammit This isnt living

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jess-oh · 5 years

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Reflection

hey God,

i just got back home at my new apartment from a MAST meeting and there’s some things i need to get off my chest that i realized i’ve been avoiding.

honestly, we’ve been a bit distant lately.

im really grateful for MAST and the people they are. and i only wish we couldve bonded on this level sooner but i am glad we’re able to do so now.

we had some deep talks during our hangout today and were very present and intentional with each other and im glad.

and when jason shared about his family, it made me realize how terrified i am to go home bc i am afraid that nothing will have changed. i love jenny and i love MAST. I love PJosh, Amanda, Jason, and Johnathan bc I dont have to worry about being a burden with them bc i do genuinely love and care for me and want the best for me. They go out of their way to take care of me and make sure im home safe and mentally okay. And I am beyond grateful. Unsun loves me. Jenny Chang loves me. Josh Henderson I think loves me. People actually care for my wellbeing here. And I don’t feel like I have that at home. Not only have I been distancing myself from my family but I’ve been distant with everyone back home in general bc i’ve been so focused on trying to make a community here. Full of people I love and trust and can rely on.

I just dont want to feel like I’m being taken for granted again and just have so many expectations upon me. To be a good daughter, to be a good sister, to do this or do that. My mom was offended I didn’t ask her to help me move to Chicago my freshman year and she only asked me if I wanted her to help me move bc she found out her friends were helping their kids move in. She didn’t ask or offer her assistance. She just expected me to ask bc she wanted to fit in with her friends and prove she was a good mother.

even with my sister, she messaged me today with an expectation of me. instead of being glad or grateful that i would be going home, she asked why i couldnt just leave later and go to lollapalooza with her. is it wrong of me to expect or hope for her to be grateful im coming home at all? why is it so terrible that i dont want to go to lollapalooza? i told her that i still encouraged her to go if we wanted to and im not standing in the way of that. and she even said my mom was willing to pay for my ticket to the concert but im already so in debt to her bc of my mission trip and i dont want to just add onto that.

im also lowkey a lil frustrated rn bc i feel like ive explained my proposal to emily on how to handle utilities 3 times already and yet, she keeps asking and assuming and my patience is starting to run thin. i dont understand why she hasnt taken my proposal seriously or done what i asked her to do. she knows i dont have a phone and seemed willing to call peoplegas herself at first so i dont understand why shes being stubborn about doing it now.

sigh

anyway, in the car today while johnathan was driving me home to my new apartment, he asked what my thoughts on the whole topic were bc i had remained pretty quiet throughout it all. which i did. partly bc i just wanted to listen and be present and not feel the need to say what i think is “right” or the “best answer” and also bc i could never find a good opportunity to enter the conversation without interrupting someone else. and i confessed that at least on the topic of christians vs non-christians, i understood why jason would feel closer to non-christians bc of that expectation that christian communities have. i grew up in the church, yes. But I didn’t meet Christ until the end of 7th grade. And then I was temporarily on a spiritual high but struggled a lot my freshman year of high school and eventually just didnt see it as a priority or a reason to attend at all during my sophomore and junior years. And senior year, I tried to be open and honest and ended up feeling betrayed by James and tbh, im still a little triggered whenever I hear that name. Regardless of who it’s actually referring to and the context behind it. But that is when I came back to God bc I did feel a sense of community and belongingness with my Guatemala team. At least at first. I definitely felt it with Judy and Grace and I was glad to be there with them. But whenever I’ve come home and far too often, I feel like I have to try so hard just to be a part of the community at all and have to try to go to them so I have anyone in my life that I can rely on. Even when it comes to games, I’m often excluded and ignored bc I don’t fit the “standard” or cultural norm. And no one wants to be excluded or outcasted. We’re all insecure about ourselves but bc everyone is too afraid, no one reaches out to those that are left out and they all eventually leave bc they dont feel a sense of community. it’s a toxic culture and i dont want to go back. but yeah, i didnt come back to Christ until my senior year of high school and even then, it was just gaining a deeper understanding of Him through the Word and practical exercises. But mostly from mission training tbh and just being able to get closer with my team. so during that time when i was away from the church, i relied on my non-christian friends and they were the ones that were there for me when things got rough. i was honestly miserable at home and i couldnt handle it on my own and they were there to help me and listen to me and talk to me and be there for me. not my church friends. with them, i just felt betrayed. i tried to reach out to james, only to find out he and the rest of the guys had been gossiping about me behind my back when i so hopefully believed that we were getting closer and on our way to being friends. im shocked whenever people acknowledge my voice and im not ignored bc im so used to that culture and environment. ive tried to cry out to God and while i havent heard these things about me directly, i have heard many people complaining about people singing too loudly or not singing well enough and how it was annoying or keeping them from going to God. And I am so scarred by that toxic culture and behavior and bc that’s the only church I ever knew growing up, it’s affected how I perceive church in general now. And with church, there’s a certain expectation to be a better person and actively try to be more Christlike which I do but bc of that, I feel like I can’t make mistakes and have to meet that expectation which just leads me back down the path of perceiving serving as an obligation and work and a burden and something i have to do instead of doing it bc i genuinely care and want to serve God by serving them. It is so easy for me to cultivate deeper relationships with my school friends and really care for them bc there is no expectation for me to do anything. But because I genuinely care, I am able to reach out to them and make sure they’re doing okay and provide my help and services in any way that i can. with church, im almost forced and expected to reach out and be a good Christian and do everything right.

I know P. Josh knows my character and who I am and loves me for me but every single time I fall back into this mindset of serving bc I feel like I have to serve and I’m being defined by that, I am afraid to tell him and be honest about it bc I know he said previously he’d be weary of someone joining MAST bc they defined themselves by how they serve and I don’t want him to kick me out of MAST bc that’s what I’ve become. And I keep beating myself up over falling back into this place and this habit because I so desperately don’t want to lose this community and this little family that I have here and people that I do love and trust and rely upon so much. I don’t want to disappoint him. I can’t bear to.

And even at my home church, I never felt like I could speak ill of my parents or vent about what I was going through with them bc my dad was so heavily involved in the church. Everyone knew who he was and I didn’t want to soil his name. I had to be a good Christian and uphold his reputation as his daughter.

But I hated being defined as “Marty’s daughter” or “Loren’s sister.” I just wanted to be known as Jessica Oh. I wanted to be known as me for me.

And I know I’ve made mistakes at my home church and bc they came back to haunt me later during my high school career, I’m afraid they’ll never go away hear. I made a lot of mistakes my sophomore year and I’ve grown a lot since then. But I’m worried people haven’t forgotten about the mistakes I’ve made and relationships I once had are irreparable bc of things I said or did that I didn’t realize in the moment was wrong. I can’t be fully honest or trust the community with who I am bc I feel like I have to be perfect all the time bc of the expectation and pressure placed upon me. And it’s crippling. It’s a fear that is crippling and I can’t fully handle. I’m letting it stop me from really coming before Christ and being honest with Him and growing as a community bc of my love for Him and yearn to serve Him.

but...it’s definitely tough.

i started crying in the car. i didnt think i would but i really am in a lot of pain over this. i just hope it gets resolved soon.

but anyway, thank you God for providing us with the space and opportunity to share our thoughts and go deeper with each other. it was much needed and meant a lot to me and i do really love them all so much.

thank you, God.

oh last thing—the reason ive never really shared all this with jason in the past is bc i know his own relationship with his family is tense and he cant help me or give any advice on how to solve this issue bc he himself does not know.

but yeah.

thank you, God.

#reflection

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