#and that sounds so depressing but i really just mean it like...

[hannahssimblr]

I’m on my bed, fully clothed, and I cannot remember how I got here. I don’t know if I’m sitting up or lying down, or what is wall and what is ceiling. When I try to turn to my side, the room twists like a funhouse around me, the bed tilting like it's intent to slide me right off it. Am I alone? I think so.

That's my phone, the bright square of light. It lays on the sheets beside my face, and I grab it. Her name is right there. It's intuitive, too easy to find. 

It rings three, four times, and she picks up. “Jude?” She's sleepy. I woke her. 

“I’m sorry Michelle,” I slur, and I mean to be sorry for disturbing her, but she seems to assume that I’m apologising for much more than that.  

She sighs, “I know you are, and I’m sorry too.”

“You’re sorry?”

“Yeah. Are you drunk?”

“Uh huh.” I should likely be sorry for that too. 

“Where are you? Why are you drunk dialling me?” She doesn’t seem annoyed with me, concerned, hopeful, maybe, so I tell her the truth, “I miss you.”

I assume maybe I’ve passed out or somehow hallucinated this entire exchange because she's not responding, but then she sucks in a lungful of air and her voice trembles, “I miss you too, I wish you were here right now.”

“No, I was a bad boyfriend.”

“You weren’t.”

“I was the worst.”

“Not always.”

“...It's hard being on my own.”

“Yeah, for me too. Every single day has been horrible.”

I feel the kind of crushing, exaggerated sadness that I only ever do when I’ve had too much to drink, like I’m tumbling into a pit of despair so deep that the sun will never warm my face again. I can't think of a good reason why I have done this. “Sometimes I don’t want to go to Berlin,” I tell her hoarsely.

“Yeah,” she says, then hesitating like she wants to choose her words carefully, “You know that you don’t have to go, though.”

“I dunno.”

“You could stay in Dublin if you wanted to, It’s not too late. If the thought of leaving makes you too sad.”

That sounds deeply depressing, but being on my own is depressing too, and then I’m so frustrated that I fear I will start crying or something, “I can’t think.”

“You’re just drunk, but I think you’re saying this because it’s what you really mean.”

“Maybe.”

“I love you,” she says, and I hear her sitting up in bed, struck with urgency, “I haven't stopped feeling the same way about you, I still love you, and I want you to stay, if you're even considering it at all then that means-”

“Alright,” A group of guys pass by on the road outside, boisterously chanting some tuneless song and I’m conscious that I, or whoever brought me in here, never closed the curtains. I don't want other men to see me like this, and yet I'm unable to move.

“‘Alright’, as in, you’ll stay?” She says hopefully. 

“No, like, that I heard you.”

“I think we’re supposed to be together.” 

I wonder if she really believes that. Do I believe that? Maybe. “Mm. Maybe I’ll stay,” Sleep pulls at my eyes, which now rest unfocussed on a shimmery patch of sand outside the window. In the distance the waves roar against the shore, a lullaby. Sleep encroaches the corners of my vision and begins to suck me under. 

“Please,” she says, really crying now, “I don’t want to be on my own. I’ve been imagining you finding someone else and falling in love with them and it makes me feel sick.”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

A sniffle, “No?”

“No, I don’t ever think about other people, just you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Never ever ever. You're my girl.”

She sobs gently.

“Shell, I think I’m an idiot.”

“You’re not, you just made a selfish decision. You can still fix it and make it okay.”

My eyes are too heavy and the world is too weird and dizzy looking to keep them open, “Will you forgive me?” I manage with the last of my energy, but I’m too sleepy to listen to her answer. I pass out in three seconds, the phone warm in my palm, the speakers buzzing gently with the sound of her voice.

In the blinding light of the morning, though my head pounds and every colour and pattern is an assault on my senses, before doing another thing, I grab my phone from my pillow to see new messages from Michelle. I don't read any of them.

Hey.

I type.

I was really drunk. Disregard anything I said, I don't even remember what we talked about.

Beginning // Prev // Next

#lucky boy 2010 #A MESS #get a grip Jude #embarrassing #tw: alcohol #tw: drinking #tw: drunk

[ddlcbrainrot]

ok so i was feeling nostalgic today and started thinking about how my first time going through ddlc was so i’m making a post about it lol

buckle up this is going to be a long one

so i first heard of the game when it first came out in 2017, which means i was like… 12 years old?? so definitely should not have been watching it but what can ya do. anyway i’ve seen the title in a bunch of yt videos which described it as a horror game, and i was intrigued bc… 4 cute anime girls? how is that a horror game. i was too much of a scaredy cat to actually download it on our family computer so i watched some ddlc playthrough in yt. and i was so bored throughout the first half of act one lmao. i think i mentioned it before but when i first encountered the game i wanted to go the monika route, and i was so disappointed it wasn’t an option (until later on when i realised why it wasn’t an option). also the yt video i watched went down the yuri route and look, i didnt necessarily have a problem with the shy girl character type, what i did have a problem with (and still do to some extent) was how the shy girl is always portrayed in anime. i was definitely a shy person growing up, so seeing the traits that had caused me so many problems be considered adorable and desirable kinda irked me the wrong way. so yeah, first half of the game i was pretty unimpressed. i didn’t dislike it, i just thought “i’ve seen these character archetypes before, i know how this is going to play out, i’ll just wait until the other shoe drops”. and oh boy it did.

i remember that scene in sayori’s bedroom to this day dude. this is probably embarrassing to admit, but i honestly believe that scene changed the trajectory of my life. i live in a very uneducated country on the subject of mental health, so i had no idea on anything surrounding it. i’ve heard the term “depression” before, but it was only brought up either in a joking way or in a way of saying someone is too far gone. which is obviously not the case, but that’s how it was usually used back then in my environment. so to see a character that (even if i wasn’t as emotionally invested in bc of how tropey they were at that point) i liked talk about how they struggle with it was a very eye opening experience to say the least. it’s kind of funny thinking back, but i really was like “huh. depression is actually a real thing people can go through. and it could also be something people i care about have to go through. and something i could go through.”. it sounds dumb when i write it down but that was srsly how it was.

then act 2 happened, i don’t really have much to say about act 2 bc throughout the whole thing i was just uncomfortable and unsettled, which is definitely what act 2 is supposed to make you feel. natsuki was now somehow the most normal one, i didn’t like yuri even more now bc she was now also weirdly obsessive, i knew monika was up to something i just couldn’t wrap my head around what. a moment that stuck with me a lot during act 2 was the whole “can you hear me?” thing in monika’s second writing tip, bc wow this girl knows something and is also very clearly trapped by something and WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?? i literally had no idea where the story was going so the reveal hit me like a truck.

act 3… what to say about act 3… i was so mind blown you don’t even know. remember that i was like 12 at the time, this was my first ever experience with the media breaking the fourth wall. and from what i remember i had an… interesting viewpoint on it. i think there are two ways to interpret monika’s self awareness. first up is taking it under the context of the story, basically knowing that she isn’t actually self aware but for the sake of the story following along with the idea that she is. second one is taking it under the context of the behind the scenes, so you understand that she isn’t actually self aware but you can’t ignore it and just immerse yourself back in the story. it’s a risk the creator takes with breaking the fourth wall, bc the second interpretation usually ruins the idea behind the media. i had the second reaction to the awareness reveal. and i think it gives the game an entire new meaning, one that probably wasn’t the original one but i’d like to talk about it. the only thing i was able to think throughout monika’s monologues was : “oh crap. she thinks she’s self aware but in actuality she is programmed to kill her friends. she isn’t free from the script, she’s still following it. the creator just made her think she is aware but actually, she is just as much of a puppet as the other girls and she doesn’t even realise. she’s trapped in an even worse way than the other girls. bc she thinks she is free”. which, is definitely not what dan was going for, but i gotta say it is ten times scarier.

and then sayori goes through the epiphany too and then monika deletes the game and the credits roll but i was so flabbergasted by everything before that i couldn’t even form thoughts through act 4.

so yeah 12yo me was not only struck with the realisation that feelings are real things (thanks to sayori) but now also the thought that just because you experience something that could be 100% real to you doesn’t mean it actually is (thanks to monika). needless to say this game changed me as a person.

damn this was a long one, i apologise if you read through all of this lmao

#ddlc #ddlc monika #ddlc sayori #ddlc yuri #ddlc natsuki #text stuff

[ihatebnha]

AHHH so sorry for being late bae but happy happy burfday wishing u lots of love 🫶🫶🫶 hope ur doing well always :)

m o m m y..................... UR NOT LATE AT ALL (tho i was thinking of u, hee hee hoo hoo)💙💙💙

thank u, thank u so berry much! wishing all the same AND MORE for you right back. kissing u!!!

#i admit i was waiting for ur message BUT ALSO i was thinking abt how last year u were like one of 3 people who said happy bday to me #and that sounds so depressing but i really just mean it like... #im so overwhelmed and feel so blessed by how many people have wished me it this year!!! #even if you'll always have a special place in my heart... bdays and everything aside !!!! #ok sorry that was a lot LMFAO O no pressure i promise if you forgot i would NOT have been mad #i just like you #bye m*mmy... bye patrick... b y e m o m m y .... I like m*mmy #LOL ANYWAY #ty bestie #caities birthday wishes

[sophiethewitch1]

kinda wanna write a fic where the dog is literally the deus ex machina

#sophie speaks #dog backwards is god yknow it makes sense #me and my undertale bullshit back on it again #i have 3 fic ideas for it. one is a meta commentary one is just about a reader with a chronic illness and one is my love for desperate read #-rs returning in full blown massive fashion. and also identity issues but all 3 of these fics have that last one just has that. a lot lot #all include my weird DID metaphors and multiverse shenanigans #because honestly all sans/sans shippers do not understand the weirdness of loving an alternate version of urself #they dont lean into it #i mean im not gonna write sans/sans I'm an x reader till death because i love self love. also sans could not love himself look at that guy #but undertale itself has so many cool themes u can build off of that i just. i wanna grab and squeeze em out like juice #and i mean its not like i can do www at the moment I've written like... 9k this month it ain't going good #might as well just enjoy the depression spiral. i know that doesn't sound very possible but yknow. we rock w it #im just in pain all the time... ill go back to the docs soon and maybe just start taking straight up opiods #but until then i can only do things if i feel there is absolutely 0 pressure on me to do them #once again thanks school system i love these learned behaviors you traumatised into me they're really useful #what was i saying? did i mention im a little scatterbrained atm

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol #this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable #im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work #property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me #like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well #and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for #Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too #like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and #down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy #last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just #feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b #put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back #down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then #that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her #i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better #on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out #dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really? #ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious. #i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles #but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol #unrelated

[stergeon]

for the writer ask

💭🚦💛 💌

💭 What inspires you and your writing?

this is a real marketing major-ass answer (from your local marketing major), but i love sharing knowledge and telling stories. writing’s one of those things that’s a bit of a compulsion for me—i’m always writing something. i took a five-year break from fiction writing before i stumbled ass-first into fanfic last year, but even in those years when i was focusing on my career, i was writing guides and trainings and a ton of other stuff—just not anything fun, lol.

writing is also so cathartic. sometimes i set out to tell a specific story, but at other times, a particular emotion gets me in a vice grip and i have to put it to words before it’ll go away. my stories tend to wind up as emotional dumping grounds as a result.

i don’t write things pulled directly from my own life, but there are bits and pieces of myself and things that have happened to me scattered throughout stuff i’ve written, and usually when i’m about 75% of the way through a piece, i’ll realize it’s absolutely related to something i’m currently going through. funny how art works that way, even when you don’t intend for it to.

and occasionally i just have a fire lit under my ass about an issue and i get so hot about it that i gotta compile my thoughts. looking at you, silver snow

🚦 What sort of endings do you prefer to write: ambiguous, bad, happily ever after, etc.?

look, i would love nothing more for them girls (pick whichever girls you please) to have a happy ending where they kiss and are stupid in love for the rest of forever. i love reading those kinds of stories. but in my heart of hearts, i love an ambiguous ending. i like when there are still questions after the story ends. i like thinking about where things could go or how the characters will go on after the events of the story. like, shared space could be read as having a happy ending, but i don’t really think it is. and with the victors; the vestiges, well. you’ll see :0)

come to think of it, i’m not sure i’ve ever written a happily-ever-after, but i don’t think i’ve ever written a 100% bad ending, either. i read too many bury-your-gays stories and watched too many sad european queer coming-of-age films in my youth to ever be happy putting that kinda thing out into the world. i want to write about love with all its ugliness, but not despair or hopelessness. i think what most appeals to me about an ambiguous ending is that lingering feeling of hope. it’s not the same as the kind you get from a happily-ever-after, and something about it speaks to me.

💛 What is the most impactful lesson you’ve learned about writing?

honestly? how to take criticism. i took a creative writing class in high school where we had to read our work out loud and then receive feedback on it from the other writers in the class, and that did a lot for me. going into that class, i’d already been writing for forever and had won some little local writing contests and such, so i was a wee bit of a pretentious douche. but i’d never gotten real critique before beyond, essentially, spelling and grammar checks. it humbled me lol. it made me grow so much as a writer, and i could see where i needed to improve or where my head was wedged way too far up my own ass for others to follow. it also helped me recognize strengths i didn’t know i had, and that was huge. it’s easy to get into a self-doubt spiral when making creative work, and good, constructive criticism can do so much to help avoid that.

to this day i love critique. i like knowing what worked or didn’t work so that i can continue to improve as a writer and do better next time. did my themes land? did something really work, but another part fall flat? i’d love to know!! i try to treat everything i write as practice for the next thing, and frankly that’s helped take some of the pressure off so i don’t go into total Perfectionist Mode.

i know critique is kind of a sensitive topic in fan spaces, but i think that’s because a lot of people have gotten unsolicited criticism that is purely critical and isn’t constructive. but getting good, constructive criticism will do so much to help a person grow as a writer. it’s scary, and sometimes it hurts! writing is very personal for most people, and it stings when things aren’t received the way you think they will be. but i know i’ve grown more from having my failures pointed out (and, very importantly, having the good things about those efforts acknowledged) than anything else.

💌 Is there a favorite trope you like to write?

actually Just answered this in another ask!

#sterge.eml #foxyjeongin #thank you for playing my little game and letting me talk about stories (and about me lmao) #sorry this is kind of a long post #i talk too much #i think i sound pretentious in this ask whoops. sorry #unfortunately i kind of am. i’m working on it. #… ​i guess the short answer to that first question is ‘emotions and mental illness’ lol #if you follow me on twitter (not recommended as it’s just me complaining about the weather and not being able to ride my motorcycle) #you know that every time i bring up my writing in therapy my therapist rocks my shit by revealing the story is #in fact. #NOT about what i thought it was about #or more accurately ​it’s ALSO secretly about whatever’s going on with me in real life lmao #y’know what’s really fun? looking back at something you wrote in a manic or depressive episode and going ah. hm. interesting. #the signs were. in fact. there. #(this is in fact not fun and i don’t like it. but it always happens.) #everything i write is accidentally Also about being bipolar. no getting around that #i tend to have issues organizing my thoughts and feelings to even figure out how tf i’m feeling #(forget making any attempt at doing so verbally. i have chronic foot-in-mouth disorder and accidentally say shit i don’t mean all the time) #but writing stuff down has always helped me sort through whatever mess is going on in my noggin and i love it for that #learning how to take critique is my no. 1 piece of writing advice but no. 2 is to read #read the classics. find out why they’re classics. read weird shit. read shit you don’t like. find things you like about em anyway. #and importantly: figure out WHY you do or don’t like it #it’s funny to re-read a book i haven’t read in a long time and discover OH. that’s where i get that technique from. #or that’s where i got that idea. or that’s why i had X thing happen in this story. #or why i like this type of character or scenario #nothing’s truly new and original #we’re all an amalgamation of influences and that ruuuuules #celebrate it!!!

[1o1percentmilk]

i love looking at people's aesthetic tags because theres usually some sort of theme going on

#moodboard is the one most important tag on my acc bc thats the one i like looking at again and again #milk (normal) #i feel very alienated from the world and people most of the time and i don't think anyone or anything can change that #but im also getting better at feeling at peace with it and accepting that i don't really belong being okay with that is important to me #so i like brutalist buildings and things that are overtly like hey you don't belong and im like *nods* i know but i am just visiting #i am just peeking my head in and i will be on my way in a bit but you are gorgeous i love how you hate me #i know this sounds very depressing and it is sometimes but its also kind of freeing in a way to give up yknow and not have to try #-to force extroversion or to try and fake emotions and caring that isn't there and just sorta exist in an area #where im not being held to human standards and scrutiny #idk i am very apathetic about stuff in general it's been this way since i was a baby and ive decided to start embracing it instead of #-thinking of it as a moral or social failing that i have to correct #anyways thats a whole essay hope u guys get what i mean. #yeah im doing alright

[indulgnc]

im 20 👍

#woo #not snz #sorry im gonna complain now lol #i know it doesnt matter much but whatever #been having a really shit week like really shit #and im being a baby bc i thouht my online friends would remember my bday but i dont think they did lol #but thats not huge im just realizing i have problems surrounding my birthday bc of past stuff lol #like. really realizing huh guess stuff in the past did affect me (foghorn sound booo) #im just looking for attention lol sorry #and im not a ‘’big account’’ so i know it wont matter that much #i dont wanna sound like a downer but thats just how stuff works in the interner #idk if someone reads this then thatd be nice #BOOO get this guy off the stage so depressing boooooo #sorry. i hate talking like this but when i say bad week i mean bad lmfao

[marley-manson]

I think writing fic is mostly making stuff up, even the most canon compliant fic is technically made up and therefore not canon in the traditional sense. And with that logic all fic is made up, and I release you to go wild in your fanfic writing dreams.

Yeah like I definitely agree, it's all just a case of degrees of separation from canon - unless you're writing for the show you're not writing truly canon fic, and even some of the show writers kinda fail at canon compliance lmao.

But tbf different people have different limits for how far they'll go and in what circumstances, and we all have our different preferences in terms of canon compliance (and our own different interpretations of canon to comply to, for that matter. Like straight Hawkeye is technically more canon compliant in terms of creator intent lol but you won't catch me reading anything where Hawkeye is straight.)

So yeah, everyone should definitely write whatever fic they want regardless of canon! But I do have my own personal limits in terms of what lines I want to cross, what's more flexible vs what I can't change without losing interest, even if it's in service to an otherwise interesting scenario.

Like to put my preferences another way, I would be more inclined to write magical AU dubcon featuring a love potion or smthn as a way to facilitate trainwreck Hawk/BJ/Peg, than I would, say, write Hawkeye agreeing to that triad because he's naive enough to think it's actually a good idea, or he loves BJ so much that he'll accept an unbalanced relationship, or he doesn't think he deserves better, etc. That's not My Hawkeye.

(Actually tbf the one non-AU way I think it could work is leaning into Hawkeye quitting his career post-canon in passive giving-up-on-everything depression, maybe his dad dying to make it even worse, and BJ innocently taking advantage, believing he's taking care of him and helping Hawkeye recover when really he's just emotionally manipulating him into becoming his second wife and giving up on his career forever.)

(Or maybe if Hawkeye lost his license...? Alcoholism, or being outed could do it easily. I feel like that could destroy him enough that he'd just cling to anything anyone offered. At least for a while.)

#the problem there however is that passive depressed hawkeye sounds boring as hell to write lol #also a little too dark at least for this particular scenario. i want dumb relationship mistakes that blow up more than misery ever after #text post #marley on mash #like what i really want is bj proposing the triad thing and hawk and peg both being on board and bj being unable to handle it #and i just don't see hawkeye not going in knowing it'll either be a bj has 2 faithful wives situation which i don't think he'd be ok with #or bj is lying about being able to handle hawkeye and peg either fucking each other or others on the side #unfortunately hawkeye is pretty emotionally intelligent #he's optimistic but not blind. i mean mmmmmmaybe bj just makes a very convincing case? maybe? hmmm #maybe that AND his dad just died or he broke up with someone so he wants to make a change and start fresh... #lmao ty for bringing this up again anon and making me think more about it #at the very least i now have more weird beejhawk ideas

[the-n3w3st-g1rl-g1rl]

I don't trust people who shit on Alphys

#if you're mean to Alphys I don't trust youuuu #''she's annoying'' how so. because she likes talking about her interests? because she's depressed? #because she's insecure and wants to make herself seem cool? #how is anything about her annoying? #you just sound meeeeeaaaaaan #''she's a bad person'' she did the best she could #and if her best isn't enough for you then fuck offff #she was in a horrible situation I'd like to see you do better #she took care of the amalgamates #she tried her hardest to BRING PEOPLE BACK TO LIFE like bitch can you do that? I didn't think so #tbh the fact that she made flowey means that in a really indirect way she's kinda the reason the barrier was destroyed at all #so you know what. I think that makes her a hero. #also in the genocide route she's the reason people survived #she EVACUATED EVERYONE TO SAFETY #she is the absolute hero of that route for sure #tbh Alphys is the best I love her

[yomakairesident]

I actually hate hallucinating so much, actually!

#I really wish I could talk to someone about this #But I haven't told anyone I know in fear of being sent to a mental hospital or something. Wack. #Also #Most people don't care unless they can find it funny which. I mean. That's better than being mad I guess?? #I hate having to relive the same memories at Least bi-weekly #I super appreciate the community here. Love y'all! #I really hope things get better soon. I'm so exhausted. I haven't slept without a nightmare in a while and it usually doesn't matter #but you can only watch awful things happen in so many ways before you start to see it as depressing. #There's this shadow thing that sometimes likes to scare me into not sleeping #I feel so ridiculous saying this. I can't explain it well enough to not sound like a child. I hate having to get up ever 30 or so minutes #to check every entrance and room in my house people could/would be 😭😭 #Sorry for just drama dumping. I appreciate the listen. I'm sorry. No one is gonna read my novel here but if you did I love you!! #I also hope you had a great day!!

[theunconcernedembalmer]

Mr Gatto, do you like doing your job? Is it something you enjoy doing?

(Also take care of yourself Mun! :D)

Even after everything... I don't think I will be changing my job anytime soon.

#identity v #aesop carl #identity v embalmer #identity v ask blog #identity v the embalmer #gatto event #hi anon thanks for the concern XD #im doing alright i just have this insane depressive block that has been impeding y creative processes #so ive been trying a lot of things to get out of it #one option is to wait it out but im miserable doing nothing. so i will force it out and feel slightly better that at least i did something #i probably should have spaced oout my posts i clear the inbox really really quickly #ill try to get some stuff out while i can. since im free for the month before work resumes n i disappear again #seriously though its frustrating sitting down staring at a blank canvas for 10 mins with 0 ideas and low energy #and then resigning myself to going back to lying down and mindlessly scrolling twitter or whatever #every single time i try to do something i end up back on my bed. for days on end. it makes me want to throw myself down a flight of stairs #at least with asks i have something to work towards and thats so much better even if i do end up back on the bed afterwards #this sounds like a very pathetic show of begging for asks. which i guess it is??? #its just that. i used to have so many ideas. i used to draw so many comics. i want to cry every time i compare that with myself now #has work killed off so much of my creativity? probably. but i just really want it back. so im trying my best #i didnt mean to get this emotional in the tags but this is really something ive been struggling with a lot right now #so if u have the time to spare. just drop something dumb in my inbox. it helps a great deal. much greater than i can express #but anyway if ur reading this im still very grateful for the support u have shown to the blog in one way or another. #so thank you very much n i hope the day will treat you kindly #less than three

[goldensunset]

as an underclassman early morning classes and boring classes were what i detested and feared most of all. now it’s difficult classes and evening classes. my evening class last semester actively made me want to become the joker with how disruptive it was to my schedule. i sure would have never wanted to switch into a 9am yawnnnn history lecture class but at this point that sounds like a dream compared to all the tons of active work outside of class with every single professor trying to scare us to death on the first day. i would rather wake up early every day than suffer the hell that i’m currently slated for. last semester brutalized me so badly it’s not even funny i can’t do the same workload again yet worse i need a relative mental break. i do not have that dog in me. i will be going to my advisor screaming and crying tomorrow asking her to make some changes

#like i will take almost anything i can get into at this point #if it fits into my schedule contributes to my actual credit requirements and does not actively make me upset #sounds perfect #and like i am a night owl. it is known i am a night owl #but i can suffer the pain of waking up early for the greater good #i cannot suffer the pain of multiple classes at once in which the professor acts like we don’t have other work to do #like genuinely the workload hasn’t even started yet this semester we’ve had one day of each class so far #and i am like already in absolute dread and depression. just from how they’re making me feel right off the bat #i need out #i need to fix this i thought it would be ok back in november but i don’t know if the pain of last semester really sunk in until afterwards #during winter break i was like oh yay break :] #now that i’m back at school i’m like Huh. so there’s something i never actually recovered from i guess #like now that i’m here i’m like you’re telling me .. i have to do it again. even worse. #and like i was off for 3.5 weeks. but now i understand no amount of time would have ever been enough to prepare me for this #i don’t care if it means i have more work later i’m ahead on credits #this course i wanna drop isn’t strictly required anyway so like. #why kill myself. especially now of all times #sounds like a problem for a future me who isn’t having a mental episode #peach rambles

[toastsnaffler]

my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/

#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man #i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks #and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig #even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them- #better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them #like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it #hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders #for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee #the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want #me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so! #anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too #its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh #we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its #kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way #im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily #cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction #its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things #for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a #want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them #and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy 👎 #i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay. #.vent

[villainvillain]

i mean genuinely i think sean rohani did a good job as prismo, i dont really want him to lose a role just bc of some agent-meddling that could POSSIBLY be fixed in a new season. but i will not lie when i say i really miss kumail nanjiani as prismo and would not complain either way if he was brought back. but i wouldnt complain if they kept sean. do you see my conundrum

#fionna and cake #prismo #prismo the wishmaster #like sean. really does a fine job. he didnt do a bad job at all #i just really. do prefer kumail #sean ? hes good! i just think he sound a bit too.... 'rough' in his intonation??? #if that makes any sense?? #its hard to describe lmao #doesnt sound chill and sorta 'soft spoken' with a slight lisp prismo that im used to in AT #also please try not to provide some watsonian explanation for prismo having a diff voice like #'oh hes depressed and seems to drink sometimes so' like my voice doesnt change just bc im depressed and drinking alcohol #i mean who knows how big prismos role will be in a s2 #he might be less important now #who knows

[sylkana]

i've had one of my worst days in awhile and my friend says he's been distant from me lately bc he doesn't want to deal with my "attitude". cool. thanks. whatever

#like any human i can be a bitch yes but ive ?? been so good towards him the past few months ??? #i realized it wasnt worth opening up to him or trying to seek comfort bc hed just flip it on me somehow #and id have to apologize for whatever #it was tiring. so i just... dont talk #and i can be sarcastic and snarky but thats just... me?? as a person??? #98% of the time its not meant to be mean spirited???? #im so tired. so fucking tired. he goes on about being depressed and stressed out the past few months #NEWSFLASH. SO HAVE I. EVERYONE IS GOING THROUGH SHIT. YOURE NOT SPECIAL #that makes me sound really mean but jesus fuck. he doesnt stop to think maybe im having a bad day (which i was) #no he just automatically assumes im being a bitch #this is the same 'friend' who forced me to open up about something or he threatened to leave #while KNOWING i have trust and abandonment issues btw #im so fucking done. im not talking to him. if he wants to be a dick and not deal with me he can choke #im dealing with enough rn #sorry for rambling #kenzie.txt