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bbyx · 4 years

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ripple effect - part eight

Summary: During her fourth year at Hogwarts, (y/n) Deauxville falls for none other than Cedric Diggory. But it's not easy when you have to deal with protecting your family's fortune, keeping your father's illness a secret and having two of your closest friends catch feelings for you.

Pairings : reader x cedric, reader x draco, reader x harry

“You’ll never guess what happened today.” Ron says, hurrying to catch up to you as you enter the Great Hall for dinner.

“What, Ron?” You say amused.

“We think Hagrid fancies Madame Maxine.”

“Finally found a woman his size huh.” You grin looking at Hagrid in his mismatched suit fumbling next to Beauxbaton headmistress.

“ Who do you reckon the Goblet will pick.” Says Harry, materialising beside you.

“ Krum for sure.”

“ B-but what if he gets injured, he’s the best seeker!” Ron stutters, turning pale.

“ You should come sit at the Slytherin table if you wanna meet him so bad.”

“Yeah right. They would slit my throat before dessert.” Ron scoffs.

“Suit yourself.” You say before splitting up to your respective tables.

“My mother wants you all to know that you’re all invited to the Malfoy’s New Years ball, as always, and she’s sending out the official invitations next week.” Draco says, sipping on his pumpkin juice.

“ Oh my god! I think Astoria is finally old enough to attend her first ball. Do any of you already have a dress?” Daphnees exclaims, turning to you and Millicent.

“ Balls are boring, the only fun part is the after party.” Theo says stifling a yawn.

“(y/n), I hope you don’t mind, but my mother’s already picked out a selection of dresses for you. I tried to stop her but,” Draco says, his ears turning slightly red. “erm she wouldn’t listen. Anyways, she’s sending them over as soon as heavenly possible.” He finishes, imitating his mother’s posh voice.

“ That’s fine, your mom has a good eye for clothes anyways.” You smile reassuringly.

You and Draco had been each other’s dates for formal events ever since you could remember. It was just easier, not having to worry about finding a date. And (y/n) also knew that Narcissa Malfoy would have loved to have a daughter and that shopping for (y/n) brought her so much joy.

“Well, the goblet is almost ready to make its decision,” said Dumbledore. “I estimate that it requires one more minute. Now, when the champions’ names are called, I would ask them please to come up to the top of the Hall, walk along the staff table, and go through into the next chamber where they will be receiving their first instructions.”

The flames in the cup turned from blue to red and silence overtook the hall. It sputtered and a charred piece of parchment flew out.

“The champion for Durmstrang,” Dumbledore read, in a clear voice, “will be Viktor Krum.”

All the Durmstrand students jumped up cheering in foreign languages and patting Krum on the back.

“Bravo, Viktor!” boomed Karkaroff, so loudly that everyone could hear him, even over all the applause. “Knew you had it in you!” Viktor stands up, his lips slightly upturned and goes to the chamber.

The silence comes back when the Goblet starts sputtering again.

“The champion for Beauxbatons,” said Dumbledore, “is Fleur Delacour!”

The remainder of the Beauxbaton students were absolutely devastated, some of them even crying. The other students were too busy ogling Fleur to cheer. She graciously slips into the other chamber.

The whole room is practically shaking with excitement as the cup starts sputtering again.

Not Nick please.

“The Hogwarts champion,” Dumbledore calls, “is Cedric Diggory!” Every single Hufflepuff jumped to his or her feet, screaming and stamping, as Cedric made his way past them, grinning broadly. He winks as he passes by you, making your heart melt. The applause for Cedric seemed to be neverending. Even Draco gave in and started clapping.

“Excellent!” Dumbledore called happily as the cheering died down. “Well, we now have our three champions. I am sure I can count upon all of you, including the remaining students from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang, to give your champions every ounce of support you can muster. By cheering your champion on, you will contribute in a very real —”

But Dumbledore suddenly stopped speaking. The fire in the goblet had just turned red again. Sparks were flying out of it. Another paper popped out of it. Dumbledore looks perplexed.

“Harry Potter.”

The entire room was looking at Harry, who looked shell shocked. For a split second, your eyes meet. “Harry Potter!” Dumbledore calls again. “Harry! Up here, if you please!”. Slowly he stands and awkwardly waddles to the top table. “Well . . . through the door, Harry,” said Dumbledore.

“It’s always bloody Potter. How did that fucking pinhead manage to trick the Goblet.” Blaise says venomously.

“ He’s Dumbledore’s little darling, that’s how.” Draco says, his jealousy leaking through each syllable. You were about to jump to Harry’s defense but decided against it, not wanting to start more conflict.

“God, the Hufflepuff party is gonna be wicked. Allison Odgen’s in Hufflepuff, Ogden as in Old Odgen’s Firewhiskey and I heard that she’s got two whole crates of firewhiskey just for tonight.” Theo says, musing.

“ I heard a couple of seventh year Puffs stole a shiton of weed from the Greenery too.” Milicent adds.

“What party?”

“The one for Cedric, duh” Daphne says while wrapping an arm around your shoulder.

“Oh. In the common room?”

“No, at the bottom of the lake.” Theo answers sarcastically. “C’mon let’s go before it gets too crowded.”

“You guys go ahead, I'll be there soon.” You say crestfallen, as your friends hurry out of the Hall. (y/n) had been looking forward to finally spending time alone with Cedric. He was supposed to show you around the Hufflepuff common room but you had a feeling that wasn’t going to happen because of the party. After a while, you find yourself alone in the gigantic Hall, which is a very eerie feeling. The candles had burned low and shapes were flickering on the stone walls. The silence makes your ears ring and you decide to just meet Cedric at the party when a voice makes you jump.

“So,” said Cedric to Harry, with a slight smile. “We’re playing against each other again!”

“I s’pose,” said Harry.

“Harry! Cedric!” They both jump, not having noticed you in the dark hall. You run and grab Harry in a hug.

“Harry! What on earth happened?”

“I didn’t put my name in!” He desperately shouts, his voice cracking.

“I know, I know.” He gazes at you for a couple seconds, making sure you believed him.

“Do you want me to come to the Gryffindor common room with you?”

Harry takes one look at Cedric’s clenched jaw and your worried face. “No it’s fine. I’ll erm see you tomorrow. Enjoy yourself tonight, we’ll figure it out in the morning” And with that he leaves.

“No hug for this champion?” Cedric says pouting.

“Of course!” You say, throwing yourself against him. “I’m so excited for you.”

The golden flickering lights of the dying candles made his lips look even more inviting than usual. The Hall that had looked so daunting minutes ago, now looked like a safe haven. His grey eyes are fixed on yours and he slowly leans in. You close your eyes, feeling his hot breath on your mouth when someone coughs loudly. Your eyes flicker open while Professor Moody limps out of a dark corner.

“P-professor!” You croak.

“You are just like your mother, Miss Deauxville, coercing well raised boys into doing your dirty work.” You look at him, mouth agape. “As for you, Mr.Diggory, I suggest you stay away from these types of women.”

Cedric looks like he’s about to pounce on Moody, but you grab his forearm.

“Ced let’s go.” You say softly, while Moody stands there as if daring Cedric to hurt him. You try pulling him away but he’s far stronger and heavier than you. Finally he gives in to your tugging, puts a hand on your back and leads you out of the hall. The two of you walk in silence.

“Cedric” You say, grabbing his hand. “It’s not a big deal, let it go. He’s just a psycho old man.”

“It’s not about that.” He mutters, staring ahead.

“What is it about then?” You say as you near the Hufflepuff common rooms. The hallway was vibrating with the beat of the music playing inside.

“It’s about the fact that he interrupted our kiss.”

Cedric brings his hands up to your face and flashes you his blinding white teeth. He leans down and barely pecks your lips before the door of the common room swings open.

A drunk Ernie Mcmillan stumbles out and you see Cedric’s eye twitch.

“Ayyyy it’s Dedric Cigorrry. The whole house s’been looking for you Cigarette.” He manages to say before vomiting the contents of his stomach in a nearby barrel. You and Cedric move past him and enter the common room. The place is decorated in an embarrassing amount of posters bearing Cedrics face, Hufflepuff banners hang from every corner and music is blasting so loud that the furniture shakes slightly.

“I promise I will show you this place when it’s not trashed.”Cedric manages to say before a mob of girls in yellow robes swarm him.

“Cedric! We organized all of this!” The leader says motioning to the group of girls and the posters of his face.

“Er wow. Thank you so much.” He flashes them his million dollar smile. The crowd forming around him was making you claustrophobic so you go sit with your brother and his friends.

“Aren’t you going to congratulate him?” You ask the boys who are sitting at a large round table in the corner.

“Yeah of course, once the fan club’s done.” Graham says, his eyes focused on the paper he's cutting.

“We’re having a blunt rolling competition.” Xavier says motioning to the dried leaves on the table.

“Aah, can I join?”

“No. You can be the judge.” Your brother says.

“You’re such a narc Nick.” You say while pulling out a chair.

A clearly fucked up Jeremy laughs. “Nick the Narc. That’s funny.”

You moved around from friends to friends during the most of the night, but the only presence you craved was Cedric’s. He was surrounded by people congratulating him but finally he broke free and headed to the table with his friends. You make a beeline towards his, leaving Daphne on the dance floor. She doesn’t notice, she’s too busy dancing her heart out with a group of Hufflepuff girls. All the boys hug him and he’s smiling like an idiot.

“Ced, have i evver told you-” Jeremy starts slurring but he stumbles forward. “Alohaa” He throws his hands up and start swaying.

“Cedric, man! You’re gonna win this thing I have a feeling.” Nick says ruffling his hair.

“What d’ya want.” Graham says motioning to the different baggies on the table.

“I’ll have whatever he’s having.” Cedric says motioning to Jeremy who was swaying back and forth with a paper bag on his head.

“(y/n) wanna have a shotgunning contest. If you win you can have my shoes. If I win you have to kiss me” Peregrine says holding a tray full of firewhiskey shots.

“Why would I want your shoes?” You say, glancing at his black tennis shoes.

“I dunno.”

“Fine, let’s do it.”

Graham starts lining up the shots, seven each.

“ My bet is on Peregrine, physically he stands a better chance.” Xavier says with all the authority of a rocket scientist.

“You have no clue how much the Deauxville’s can drink then.” Nick says, nursing his own drink.

You give Peregrine a competitive smirk. “Three, two, one, go!”

When shotgunning whiskey, the first three shots are always the hardest. The first burns your throat like you’ve just swallowed a big gulp of salt water. The second one, if done fast enough, numbs all sensation in your mouth. The third one is when most lightweights die off, it sends electric shocks through your body. After the shock of the third one, all the others seem dull. The faster you go the more time you’ll have before the alcohol in your blood reaches your brain. After that your vision will start clouding and you can maybe manage two more before you’ll collapse or hurl your brains out. Luckily for you, Peregrine dies off after your fifth shot and stumbles to a nearby basket.

“Learned from the best.” Nick says proudly. Cedric’s mouth is agape.

“Wanna go again?” You tease when Peregrine comes back.

“Christ! You’re good” He says taking his shoes off and throwing them at you. You catch them easily.

“Nick pass the weed!” (y/n) hollers at her brother.

“Yeah Nick, don’t be such a weed hog.” Cedric says.

“Nick the Hogweed student. That’s funny.” Jeremy says muffled by his paper bag.

You take a moment to look around the room. You had to give it to Cedric, the Hufflepuff common room was beautiful. The high ceilings had copper lighting fixtures that sent golden light through the space. The walls were full of hanging plants and the floors were covered in plush mismatched carpets. Soft couches and wooden tables were scattered around the room. At the moment the room was full of Hufflepuff students, a handful of Ravenclaw and the eternity of the Slytherin population of Hogwarts because they would rather die than have a Gryffindor champion. You spot Theodore and Draco on a nearby couch. Some blonde sixth year girl is eating Theo’s face. Draco is playing with the thick rings on his fingers not paying attention to Pansy’s storytelling. Milicent is part of a group of students sitting on the grand piano, singing furiously along to the lyrics of the song. Blaise is too drunk to notice that the girl he’s flirting with happens to be a very tall plant. And Daphne is dancing with Hannah Abott. You do a double take. Daphne is now kissing Hannah Abott.

The kissing reminds you of the interrupted kiss between you and Cedric. You sneak a peek at his lips. Just then Xavier drops something heavy in the middle of the table. It’s a deck of cards in the middle of the table.

“Strip poker!” Peregrine shouts excitedly.

“You wish.”

“I’m the card dealer.” Graham says, grabbing the deck.

“Xavier you forgot the poker chips dumbass.” Graham says.

Xavier sighs “Yeah, couldn't find them. It’s okay though, we can use-”

“Shoes!” Peregrine says, toppling his drink on the floor.

“Peregrine, I have your shoes.”

“Oh well fuck, i’m on team (y/n) then” Peregrine says.

You motion for Draco to come sit because he’s the best player you know. He sits and rolls his eyes at the shoe idea but agrees to play.

“Well boys, start saying goodbye to your shoes.”

Two hours and 11 pairs of shoes later, most of the partygoers had cleared out. You were glad to find your white sneakers still clad to your feet. After the game had started, so many people joined but you and Draco were the only ones still wearing shoes. He had fared better though, with 15 pairs of shoes.

The air in the common room was thick with smoke, the music had stopped except for some Ravenclaw playing his heart out on the piano. (y/n) is lying on a couch with her head in Cedric’s lap, her feet on top of a sleeping Jeremy. Theo as usual was nowhere to be found and you suspected that Daphne was in Hannah Abbott’s dorm. Blaise was still relentlessly talking to his plant, the boy could talk about himself for hours on end.

Cedric plays with your hair.

“I’mm tired.” You slur lazily.

He chuckles.“(y/n) you can’t fall asleep here.”

“Whyy?” You pout up at him.

“Because Nick already looks like he’s going to hex me.” You blow a strand out of your face and turn your head towards your brother. You sigh, not wanting to create new tensions between you and your brother.

“Blondie, take me homee.” You holler at Draco.

“Gladly.” He says helping you up.

You throw Cedric his shoes. He dodges your clumsy throw that was heading straight to his face.

“There you go Cinderella.”

“Goodnight (y/n)” He chuckles.

(y/n) and Draco are walking down a dark hallway illuminated only by the pale moonlight, your footsteps resonating. You stop in your tracks.

“Draco, I've just had a brilliant idea.”

He doesn't answer, just raises his eyebrows.

“The shoes. On the… fuck whats it called. The big light thing?”

“A chandelier.” He sighs, shaking his head.

“Yes! Chandelier. We hang all the shoes on the chandelier in the great hall.”

“And how are we going to do that?”

“ God I don't know! You’re supposed to be the smart one.”

He sighs deeply, but takes your hand and starts walking towards the great Hall.

When the two of you were done, they’re were 26 pairs of shoes hanging on the chandelier. From sneakers to dainty ballerina flats.

“The chandelier looks so much better now, see? We should do this to all the chandeliers in our houses”

“I’ll make sure to tell my mother to keep it in mind.”

“Let’s get out of here.”

“Finally,” Draco says looking at his thick silver watch. “It’s 4:38 am.”

“No point in going to sleep then.”

“You’re insane.” He chuckles, catching you as you stumble forward.

You smirk devilishly. “ I just can’t wait to see everyone’s face at breakfast tomorrow.”

#cedric diggory #harry potter #draco malfoy #hp and the goblet of fire #cedric diggory x you #cedric diggory x reader #cedric x you #cedric x reader #harry potter x reader #draco malfoy x reader

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xthefxrgxttenx · 4 years

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@4x0hxnxroll said : 🤝 + Beth & Emily

texts the other memes at 3 am:

Neither girl really does this all too seriously, because Emily puts on a much more serious persona she wishes she had to. And Beth just isn’t funny. And if it does happen, it’s done semi-ironically, or at least so they claim, because, God, who sends each other MEMES at 3 in the morning? Which, to that end, despite not being traditionally funny, Beth is the more likely candidate between the two, especially earlier on until Emily feels able to show her dorkier/nerdier aspects to Beth. And the more Beth grows attached, the less and less ironic (and more and more frequent) the memes become. Such is the way of being a walking fucking paradox. But again, with all that sad, it’s not a hugely integral component of their friendship/relationship. And is more just a “Man, I’m fuckin’ bored, can you believe I’m looking up memes about a fuckin’ llama who kidnapped a child? Help me.’ kind of escape.

tries to convince the other to do an idea that definitely sounds questionable:

Both, but for entirely different reasons. Beth is the more unstable wildchild of the two, digging through her brother’s medicine drawer, using Chris for weed and coke, barhopping, fooling around with strangers etc. And Beth can start to have that Jess-effect on Emily as their relationship progresses, drawing her out of her more cautious bubble and giving her a chance to live a much louder and more adventurous life than she’d have if Beth wasn’t around. Emily, however, has that weird impulsive need to flirt with temptation, and will, entirely on a whim, in a random fit of courage, dare Beth to do something more intimately personal between the two. The kind of adventure that Beth would herself wouldn’t ever be able to initiate. (Like kiss her panties in the living room half naked after texting Sam to come help them.)

is the designated driver and who always gets wasted:

This depends on the night, to be honest, and often just doesn’t happen at all. Beth can be responsible when she wants. And at times can feel almost COMPELLED to be. So if she knew Emily was gonna be off her face smashed and vulnerable, she’d definitely be a designated driver and stay sober enough to keep her safe. But then, I also kind of feel like once Emily starts to notice how weirdly repressed yet impulsive Beth truly is, she’d actually want to be a designated driver for Beth once in a while so she can not ONLY get wasted, but also get wasted with SOMEONE WHO CARES. However, absent those exceptions, both girls are likely to just get an uber home because rich and fuck life.

always has to host the impromptu sleepover:

BETH. BETH BETH BETH BETH. BETHBETHBETH. BETHHHH. Emily’s dad is an absolute fucking cunt and while he’s more fond of Beth and Hannah on the surface than their brother, Josh, he’s still a bit of an ABSOLUTE FUCKING CUNT. Emily’s parties are therefore ALWAYS meticulously planned, to make sure her dad isn’t out and that she has MORE than enough time to safely clean up before he gets back. Beth, meanwhile... Sure, Beth’s dad might also be a bit of an absolute fucking cunt, but at least he’s an absolute fucking cunt who DOESN’T FUCKING CARE. Her parents spend more time across the national border than in their home country of Canada. Their house is often vacant, save for Josh and Hannah, who are usually always down for getting shit faced, too. Post-Game, Beth has her own little apartment she lives in that Emily could honestly move into if you needed.

who’s netflix account gets mooched off of:

Actually, in a rare turn of events, its BETH who has her account mooched off of. This is due to Emily’s dad paying for her Netflix and being a lot more strict with what he qualifies as APPROPRIATE for his should-be prodigy of a daughter. Beth’s account, however, is paid for by a dad who could literally give zero shits what Beth watches so long as she stays outta trouble. So Emily can safely watch anything she wants on Beth’s Netflix without being judged or berated by her father. (Though she sometimes has to lie to Hannah and Josh about just exactly WHO is mooching. I mean, come on, when is Beth Freakin’ Washington going to watch CELEBRITY MASTERMIND?) Post-Game, however, might be a different story... (As in, Beth kinda estranges herself from her parents and that sweet free money, and Emily might give Beth her pass and then just blame Beth when Henry wonders who the fuck watched an entire season of Sex and The City overnight.) Once Emily also gets cut off, they find the money for an account between themselves.

brings all the snacks and who supplies the movie:

Emily supplies the movie. With two very specific exceptions. Those exceptions being: 1. When its an early premier or pre-release of one of Beth’s dad’s productions. He’s a bit of a narc and LIKES to have any and all eyes he can to appreciate his psychotic masterpieces. And sometimes Beth genuinely likes some of his films and just wants to watch one once in a while. 2. If Beth is super pushy or passionate about a specific movie, Emily will cave but she won’t hide her feelings. If it’s shit she WILL bitch about it. And if it’s REALLY SHIT, she’ll pull the “I wish Jess was here” card. As for snacks... It’s typically Beth because Emily is full anorexic and unlikely to bring anything “snacky” to begin with, and Beth kind of has this weird obsession with eating with people/people watching her eat. So bringing snacks that Emily might wanna eat with her brings Beth a bizarre sense of joy.

is usually the first one to say sorry after a fight:

Beth. Though only if she genuinely sees that she was in the wrong. Both girls are pretty stubborn and guarded like that, but I do feel like Beth would break first, especially later in the relationship when she’s more obsessed. That being said, Emily also has a pretty quiet GUILTY STREAK that sparks up in game. During the pre-order bonus scene she ends up being pretty apologetic/grateful to Matt for handling her “high-maintenance” self, and she is downright terrified and blaming herself in her better Matt endings. And even if this is sometimes rooted in insecurity, I do think she’d be capable of having those moments with Beth as well, provided Beth had shown extensive enough loyalty through a lot of conflict/drama.

is the ‘ mom friend ‘:

Errrrrrr... Kind of see the bit about the designated driver. It’s kind of the same deal, honestly. Beth is repressed mom having a quiet quarter life crisis. Therefore she sometimes takes care of Emily. Emily is a repressed everything who actually does have a soft side beneath that icy fortress, and would feel bad for Beth and wanna let her be a wild child in safety. But then both are also royally fucked up and might just say fuck it all and get wasted and wake up inside each other panties on a park bench one night. That being said, Emily kind of has the encouraging mother role when it comes to Beth’s insecurities, namely her leg and her eating habits. While Beth is sort of Emily’s tough loving mother when Emily is making stupid mistakes like wanting to call Mike at two in the morning when she can’t even stand without using Beth as a crutch. So it really does just sort of depend on the situation and whether one or both of them are going through psychological bullshit at the times.

calls the other at 12 am to wish the other a happy birthday without fail:

I actually don’t know, to be honest. I feel like it would happen, and both would do it almost ritualistically after the first time, but the first time would either be: 1. Emily because she’s actually secretly super organized in life and might genuinely know certain birthdays of certain friends and just do it on impulse one day. Possibly while drunk. Probably while drunk. 2. Beth would do it out of a need to make Emily feel noticed and special once she learns about the true depths of Emily’s insecurities and need for validation and fear that no one would actually give a shit about her birthday if SHE didn’t make a big deal out of it to begin with. Which really it just depends who does it first. I don’t think either is so romantic or sappy to always do it outright. But once it IS done, if at all, then I feel they’d both do in return for the other doing it. LOYALTY & RECIPROCATION.

is the better wingman to the other:

Ummmm... Emily. Definitely Emily. It has to be Emily. Which, that isn’t to say that Emily is a GOOD wingman. It’s to say that Beth honestly COULDN’T wingman for Emily because Beth could never, ever, EVER be able to overcome her own insecurities to willingly guide attention to someone other than herself. Especially when maybe she herself has a small crush on Emily and wants to fuck her and have Emily’s attention all on HER. (It’s definitely not a SMALL crush.) Emily, meanwhile, would probably deflectively (during) or indifferently (early on) wingwoman for Beth because she’s not allowed to be gay and she spends a lot of time hung up on Mike. THAT BEING SAID: Post-Game, I genuinely don’t think Emily would be able to wingman for Beth either.

‘ the strong must protect the sweet ‘ , who’s the ‘ strong ‘ and who’s the ‘ sweet ‘:

HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?! The bitches protect each other. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. (Maybe literally.) That’s why they’re both designated drivers or moms at different times. That’s why Beth lets Emily use her netflix or stay over. That’s why Emily would at all want to take care of Beth during wild nights out. That being said, I do think, by literal definition, that Emily is physically stronger than Beth (especially post-game due to muscular dystrophy and her fucked up leg post-mine) while Beth might be sweeter than Emily. at least on the surface. But yeah, it’s again SITUATIONAL, based on whether one needs PROTECTING or one needs to be CARED FOR.

pulls the other up for karaoke to sing a duet together:

Oh. It’s Beth. Let’s be real. No fucking way does Emily do karaoke voluntarily. Meanwhile, Beth is a wildchild, as stated, and more importantly she LOVES noise -- ESPECIALLY MUSIC. Hell, it’s her FAVORITE NOISE, even. (Apart from Emily moaning. AHEM.) So Beth would absolutely drag Emily up for karaoke, even if Emily was bitching about it every frictional heel-scrape of the way. The ONLY example possible where Emily takes Beth on stage is out of SPITE. If Jess or Mike or Matt or Hannah has pissed her off sufficiently, maybe peer-pressured her into it, and Emily wants to HURT them. And depending on the specific atmosphere, Beth might just be up for being Emily’s metaphorical blade.

#MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMKAY KNFDN LKNDS KFDSKL NFDSKL NDSOI IOFSN IOFDS CFML; FM L;DMFL; FMDS #HERE WEGOOOOO #BOMBS AWAYYYYYY #(HAVE FUN READING THIS MADNESS XD)#THE FACADE OF BETH WASHINGTON ///THE GOOD THING ABOUT BEING ALONE? NO ONE'S EVER THERE TO SEE HOW LONELY YOU TRULY ARE... FUCK.\\\#THE BREAKAGE OF BETH WASHINGTON ///WHEN YOU'VE LOST YOUR FAMILY FRIENDS FAITH TRUST AND SANITY -- WHAT'S LEFT? ...DARKNESS...\\\#THE BREAKAGE WITHIN EMILY ///LIVING WITH YOUR BACK TO THE WALL BECAUSE YOURE SICK OF FINDING KNIVES IN YOUR SPINE.///#THE FACADE OF EMILY ///A GIRL WITH MORE FEAR THAN SHE'LL EVER TELL. BUT SHE'S A BITCH -- RIGHT?///#BETH'S SECRET HEART ///WE;D NEVER KNOWN IT CAUSE WE NEVER LET EACH OTHER IN BUT WE WERE EACH OTHER'S SOMEONE WHEN NO ONE ELSE WAS.\\\#BETH X EMILY #4X0HXNXROLL #I'VE BEEN ITCHING TO DO ONE OF THESE FOR YA <3 <3 <3

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crescentmoonrider · 5 years

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so uh, i was telling @ishibooty about my daydreams and the fact that somehow in two of these scenarios, marcus ends up joining libra, and all of a sudden it was 5am and i had 3k words of summary of marcus’ arc for one of them

there are two parts to it. this was supposed to be a side-plot. why am i like this

anyway enjoy my ramblings i guess

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Mushroom arc

Marcus and Leo meet at the hospital (Daniel came to visit/interrogate/make fun of Steven and kicked Leo out of the room) and leave a good impression on each other. (“So uh, are you also a cop ?” “Why does everyone assume that ? Is it my name ??”)

Later, Libra investigates on a drug ring. Because the drug seems to incorporate magic in its fabrication, making it as potent on humans as well as all sorts of beyondians, Leo is sent alongside Zapp to get a sample and get a closer look and maybe identify the spellcaster or something. Marcus is in the club and makes himself known, and it turns out he is part of the gang. Zapp and Leo get invited to a private room and meet some of the higher-ups (Marcus included), buy their sample, and are then asked to breathe into a container, of which they are assured it is perfectly safe, just a security measure. Since murdering clients seems like a pretty bad business plan for a drug ring, the duo does what they’re asked. They pass out and wake up in the club, with no memory of the past 30 minutes.

Later, Leo is greeted by Marcus at Diane’s Diner and they have a chat, during which Leo feels like he met Marcus recently but can’t seem to place it ? Marcus makes fun of him, asks if Leo has been hanging with Mushroom beyondians and at Leo’s confusion, mentions the amnesic effects of their spores.

Leo comes back to Libra all “MOM HOLY FUCK”, and the team decide to investigate that memory-erasing spore thing. Also one of Steven’s “contacts” discouraged him from looking deeper into the drug ring geez I wonder why that might be.

In parallel to that whole investigating, Leo goes to eat out with Nej, accidentally bumps into Marcus, and they somehow become a trio of burger pals ? (“wait what do you mean you sold Nej burgers for profit” “it’s money my dude”) Hanging out together during lunch break regularly, all that jam. At some point, following Leo and Marcus complaining about their respective workplaces and co-workers (preluded by Marcus being all like “work ? like, part-time ? aren’t you in high school ?” “… I’m 21…” (quietly) “what the fuck”), Nej mentions having an actual job but can’t seem to remember it. Cue laugh track I guess.

Plot twist it’s not funny it’s actually tragic because the place Nej works at is the spore extraction factory that serves as the center of that Mushroom traffic. Chain, Zapp, and Leo storm the place, Leo gets beaten up, Nej is traumatized, the Mushroom beyondians are evacuated, the building is burned down and so are the spores. Meanwhile, Marcus is allowed for the first time into the laboratory, meets the spellcaster, looks around the place and asks non-suspicious questions, he’s just curious and enthusiastic and kind of dumb in his cleverness but that’s just how Marcus is haha look at him, such a good and loyal guy (we hope).

Someone caught Leo and Zapp on tape while they destroyed the factory and since Marcus is friends with Leo, it’s a bit uhhhhhhh suspicious ? Marcus is all “do I look like I have control over whatever every single one of my friends does ?”, the Chief goes “okay well, would you fucking mind getting that kid over here so we can know where he learned about the spore factory ?”, and so Marcus goes to do just that.

Except he doesn’t. What he does is go see Leo at the hospital, offers to go on a walk in the hospital park, covertly gives Leo a vial of his own blood, and tells him to act like they’re fighting and then run away and bring the vial to Daniel. He then makes as if to grab Leo to take him with him.

Leo knees him in the dick and books it. The gang guy dispatched to make sure Marcus actually did his job watches and comes to the conclusion that Marcus is on their side because, like, yeah.

When he gets the news and the blood, Daniel calls the narc brigade to start the tracking, grabs Leo, gets in the car, and starts driving. The “tracking” is actually blood magic, the vial of blood Marcus gave Leo reacting to sigils he left at the lab and even on the spellcaster and forming spikes in the direction of it all. Turns out Marcus was an undercover narc looking to get his hands on the spellcaster (drug labs are rather easy to make, having a magic user able to apply their knowledge to that kind of craft is a lot less common).

Of course when magic is activated, it risks being picked up on by other magic users, so any intervention needs to be swift, and also Marcus seems to have been under some suspicion (why else would he ask Leo to serve as a middle-man) so things need to move real fast. (“wait so you’re going on a drug busting operation with a civilian in your car ? I know I said I wanted to know what the hell is going on but that’s kind of, like, uhhh” “you’re holding the vial and giving me the directions, I can’t do that while driving”)

Anyway, most of the gang is arrested, Marcus ends up in the hospital because he saw some kids crossing the road without watching and jumped in to save them, ironically saving him from being exposed as a cop to the underworld, and Leo later apologizes for kneeing him in the dick. End of arc

------------------------------------

Boss arc

Marcus takes advantage of his old gang being disbanded, and of him still looking like a regular crime guy, to join another, bigger group. The Boss welcomes him with open arms because 1) Marcus sells himself really well (“yo my brother’s a lieutenant of police, I got some intel”) and 2) they actually knew each other before the Collapse, and while Marcus never worked for him, the Boss has a lot of respect for him.

The burger trio still hangs out together, and sometimes Marcus also hangs out with Leo alone. It’s a nice break from work for Marcus honestly, Leo is a chill guy, and it’s great to not have to pretend to be someone else, with someone who isn’t Daniel, for once. And for Leo it’s also a nice break from the usual Libra madness. They share wacky stories, some gossip, one time Marcus arrives like “LEO HOLY FUCK” because he spotted Steven at Daniel’s flat and they both lose their shit. They also get a little more real sometimes I mean, both of them have some heavy baggage, and Marcus doesn’t have a lot of emotional support outside of his brother (who is married to his work and not great at emotions himself). In short, they’re friends.

Anyway, Leo may or may not be developing a crush – whatever the truth is, Zapp has decided to go on Big Brother mode and drag Zed along to stalk Marcus and make sure he’s an okay guy. (“are you sure this is necessary ?” “this is HL, and this is Leo, he’s like, a trouble magnet ! and if things turn out badly, guess who will have to deal with the fallout ?” “… you actually care, don’t you” “shut up !”) Of course, Marcus publicly performs as a Crime Guy, so that’s a little… well…

Zapp and Zed follow Marcus to a shady pub where Marcus has a meeting with the Boss (“wait isn’t this guy like, a crime lord” “god fucking dammit”), get spotted, but since Marcus isn’t about to out them as Libra if he can avoid it, he just ironically buys them a drink. And that’s how a hot mess and a merman end up sharing a table with a Crime Guy and a Crime Lord. Zapp, always the diplomat, asks Marcus to break up with Leo. Marcus is obviously very confused because, like, they’re not ??? A thing ??? So Zapp instead tells him to not start a thing, while Zed sits there nervously and very obviously tries to not look at the Boss.

Marcus laughs it off, but he ends up a little shaken by the encounter honestly, not because Zapp said anything particularly clever, but because it echoes doubts he’s been holding about himself for a while now. He’s been doing his job for quite a long time, has done quite a lot of shitty things to keep his cover up, and he – he isn’t quite sure he’s really helping. Sure, he’s lead to the dismantling of some drug rings, but was it worth it ? If he looks at what he did for the past years, how exactly is he different from the people he targets ?

Also there’s like, Collapse trauma, which in his case is also closely related to that whole issue. For three days, Marcus walked around with a suitcase of “merchandise” from whatever his gang was at the time, doing his best to survive and get that thing where he was supposed to get it and not lose it and not act like a servant of the people who would actually help, or try to help at least. Marcus made it out of the Collapse with his cover intact, his gang mostly dead, and a suitcase full of shit he didn’t know what to do with because the people he was supposed to bring it to died and he did it all for nothing. He let people die for nothing.

And he does feel a kinship with some of his “co-workers”. He’s friend with some of them. He slept with one of them, at a time when he had just lost whatever purpose he’d had for the three days the Collapse lasted, at a time when he couldn’t get in touch with his family and make sure they were alive and he was just so desperate for someone he knew, for some human warmth, for whatever comfort he could get. And the Boss (at the time not his boss, but someone he knew and who made business with whoever he used to work for) was kind and praised his determination and good work and just held him with no judgement.

Marcus enjoys the Boss’s company. What happened after the Collapse was a one-off thing, but they’ve been in touch ever since, drinking out sometimes, sharing some quiet comfort together. The Boss introduced Marcus to a new group in exchange for his merchandise. The Boss keeps on vouching for him, trusts him, and Marcus almost feels a little guilty.

He feels guilty a lot, he finds, whether that be when he enjoys drinking with his co-workers or when he works at home on a spell that would identify the caster in charge of their drug.

One time, Steven comes to the Boss with a deal, information for whatever price the Boss gives and Marcus sits there, at the Boss’ right, watches Steven and the apparent friendship between him and the Boss and thinks “ah”. Same fucked up hat, same dilemma, same constant walking a line you can barely see.

At Daniel’s place (Steven has been there a lot more often lately, and Marcus a lot less, but they still end up meeting at times), neither of them mention that moment of recognition. But Marcus mentions being a little tired, and Steven half-jokingly offers him a place in Libra, should he ever want a change of pace.

And Marcus thinks maybe, just maybe, this would be better. Maybe he could help, really help, the way he wants to. He just needs to finish this job. Just this one job.

It’s not that he means to isolate himself, he just really needs to figure this spell out, and anyway Zapp was exposed as Libra and that brought suspicion on Marcus because of the whole “don’t date my friend/colleague” incident and while the Boss trusts him, there’s this one guy who has some amazing instincts (and maybe holds a grudge for that time Marcus beat him up for trying to sell stuff to kids), and that means hanging out with Leo is probably a terrible idea. And he has work. And he is so, so tired. He has nightmares, too, a little more than usual. Maybe more than that.

It’s a good thing that there are spells offering protection against nightmares, really, a good thing there are spells that provide energy too. Marcus has a rule against ever consuming something he sells, but he’s been so tired lately that he gets close. But there are spells for sleep that work better than alcohol, and spells for energy that work better than cocaine, with none of the less appreciable side-effects, and it’s a shame the only magic he knows is blood magic because drawing blood to activate them is a pain, literally. But it’s a small trade-off for the ability to keep it together and finish his work.

Leo actually seeks him out once, and while the encounter is short because Marcus can’t afford to hang out with “most definitely Libra” and tells Leo that (and also mentions Zapp and Zed’s visit because he is petty), it’s also nice to have Leo be all “if it’s because you’re afraid of getting me into trouble, friendly reminder that this is HL and that I am Libra” at first and just. Miss him, apparently ? Marcus will have to treat him to lunch once he is done.

After that, after his eyes pick up on the weird magic going on over Marcus’ shoulder, Leo looks up spells by shape, and if he was worried about Marcus avoiding him before, he is now worried for an entire different set of reasons. Square-shaped spells are reinforced exponentially, and there’s no way anything stronger than a level-1 energy spell (the equivalent of an espresso) can be healthy. Also he is going to kill Zapp.

And finally, finally, Marcus gets his breakthrough. He finalizes his identification spell, drops a little blood on the powder in the middle of the circle, and gets a signature. He can track this caster. He grabs paper, a pencil, writes down the signature sigil, calls Daniel to tell him that he got it, and – and there was a defensive spell inside the drug because of course there was and Daniel needs to come here right now.

At the time, Daniel is wrapping up a case with Klaus and Gilbert nearby, and there is no question what the fastest vehicle here is. The others can manage without him. Daniel reaches Marcus’ flat in record time, Klaus on his heels, and they find Marcus unconscious on the floor, left arm injured, in a state that seems much worse than it should be.

Daniel grabs the paper Marcus is holding, Klaus compresses the injury and carries Marcus to the car, and Gilbert drives as fast as possible in these conditions. Calls are made – to the narc brigade, sending them the signature so they can do whatever it is they need to do with it and so they can prepare to start the tracking of what Marcus left for them to find, and to Steven, who is currently free and can absolutely help in the capture of the higher-ups of the gang (Leo definitely helps spot anyone who escapes).

Luciana welcomes them with the same determination she has at all times, and the slight annoyance she always expresses at seeing Daniel, and hurries Marcus inside. “What did he take ?” she asks, and Daniel could strangle her. Marcus doesn’t take anything, he is a professional, how dare she – but he is overdosing, Klaus was the only thing keeping his heart beating during the drive there, and the powder on the floor of his flat seemed weirdly crystallized, like it had solidified and broken. And there was no weapon that could explain Marcus’ injuries. And the conclusion Daniel and Luciana reach is. Bad.

He answers Luciana’s questions, asks for a small sample of Marcus’ blood, shouts at whoever he has on the phone at the time, and goes for the car. Luciana is baffled, Gilbert readies to drive, and Klaus says he will stay at the hospital and call if anything happens. It’s not a pretty arrangement, but the look on Daniel’s face was one that promised death to anything that tried to stop him, so.

I could go into length about the capture, about the way Daniel almost killed the Boss for his words, about the return to the hospital and the gruelling wait for news, about the way the Luciana on coffee break duty told Daniel off for criticizing her devotion to her work when he isn’t much better himself, about the relief Daniel felt at it being personal, a revenge of sorts, instead of something he’s heard much too often about his being heartless. He isn’t, if Marcus died it would break him, but he simply doesn’t know any other way to deal with these emotions than drowning them in work.

Later that night, after Steven has dragged him home to make him catch at least some sleep, he will tell Steven about the death of his grandfather, back when he was a kid, about Marcus crying for an hour, about himself not shedding a single tear, instead finishing the model boat the three of them had started because he needed to do something. It will be the first time they have that kind of discussion, the first time it feels like whatever they have going on is a serious relationship. But that is a story for another time.

When Marcus wakes up, a few days later, he asks Daniel to transmit his resignation letter. His recovery will take time, months even, to get back to a functioning state both physically and mentally, but that is the first step towards that. Another step will be to buy Leo and Nej lunch when he gets discharged, reconnecting with them. And another will be to ask Steven if the job offer was serious, and to accept it.

Marcus joins Libra as a blood mage with some background information on drug dealings, and he thinks, for the first time in forever, he can help.

(Also he hasn’t told Daniel anything about that last part and he is not looking forward to that conversation, at all.)

#kekkai sensen #blood blockade battlefront #marcus law #leonardo watch #yumi writes #note : blood magic and blood fighting techniques are not the same and actually dont have much in common #yes i actually made some magic theory for this. its. somewhere in my unscanned sketches #my naming conventions for most characters are. terrible. if i dont know your name ill just call you by your job #idk if read mores are still as buggy as they used to be on mobile but it they are im very sorry #body heat AU

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utimagines · 7 years

Text

Sorry this took so much longer than I expected, but here’s the second half of the abuse fic! The first half can be found here, but please read the warnings first <3

-Vaughn

Warning: This post may contain triggering content. You may continue to read if you feel you are safe doing so. This is tagged below as abuse mention, panic attack mention and harm mention. There will be no self-harm. Also, these are very long. Be prepared for that too.

Undertale

Papyrus

Narc parents. Never wrong, always right and always greater than everyone. Even their compliments are manipulative tactics in disguise. They say they love you, but they treat you like you exist only for the purpose of giving them authority.

Having your mother away from your life has made everything better. Now you are able to focus on the good, little parts of life; the crunch of snow beneath your feet, the warmth of the sun, and being around the people you trust. You can’t be brainwashed into believing your mother’s words and criticism anymore.

One day as you lay on the couch with a book in hand, you hear the phone ring. Looking down at its screen, you freeze. It was your mother.

Lifting the phone to your face, you furrow your eyebrows. ‘Mom. I told you to never call me again. If you call me one more time, I’ll take legal action.’

Your mother ignored you. ‘I went to the hospital today,’ your mother clucked. ‘My doctor said that I have an infection in one kidney. I’ll need a new one.’ You knew where this was going. A long time ago she tried to make you donate a part of your liver to your father.

‘No, Mom. Don’t call me again. As you were about to hang up, you hear your mother spit out one last sentence of manipulation.

‘Fine, don’t call me. Abandon me like everyone else! If I don’t get a new kidney I’ll die, and it’ll be all your fault!’ Your hands shake and sweat as you hit the button to hang up, the words she said to you all your life ringing in your head once more.

Okay, breath you thought to yourself. I just need to go upstairs.

Your knees shook hard enough for you to fear falling down, and you latched to the handrail as tightly as possible. When you finally managed to stumble up to the top, you knock on Papyrus’ heavily-decorated door.

He opens the door with a large smile that quickly faded as he saw your face. ‘Datemate, you’re crying! Come inside, quickly!’ You hadn’t realised that there were tears streaming down your face, perhaps too dizzy to notice. Papyrus hushed you into his room, trying to keep his volume down to not further stress you.

Sitting on the floor, Papyrus holds your hand. ‘Was it your mother? Did she call again?’ You nod your head, throat hurting too much to explain. Papyrus stayed silent for a moment to gather his thoughts.

‘Well... I don’t know what happened, but remember that you’re doing the right thing by cutting off contact. There is never any shame in avoiding people who try to hurt you!’ You look in his eyes as he gives you his small speech. He is as genuine as ever.

‘And if she does call you again, I’ll be there right by your side to help you! And so will all of our friends. Even if she says horrible things, there are many more people who love and care for you!

You sniffle a ‘thank you’ and pull Papyrus into a hug. With him around, things will get better.

Underswap

Sans (Blue/Blueberry)

You were the lower child, destined for nothing. Unlike your younger sister, you were destined for nothing. While your sibling was praised for their hard efforts, you were scolded for the smallest things; eating too much, eating too little, sleeping too much, studying but not spending time with family, and so on. You started to believe them.

Many years later, when you were an adult and your sister was a teen, you were taken to the mall to buy clothes. While your mother and sister scanned the stores for something suitable to their tastes, you sifted through the graphic tees. Right in the centre was the perfect shirt, and although it was slightly smaller than your usual size it would have fit just fine.

‘Hey, Mom, can I get this?’ You look over to your mother, displaying the tee across the store. She looks at you with a look of disgust on her face.

‘When I said I’ll buy you something, I meant something that wouldn’t make you look fat. Put it away right now.’ You fold the shirt back, hands trembling as you realise the whole store heard your scolding. One character in particular stares from the back of the store. Your mother and sister head to the counter, you shyly following. You sister had collected a small pile of clothing for her to wear.

The clerk looked very uncomfortable as your mother continued to berate you for the shirt incident, and the skeletons in the back slowly move closer once he sees your eyes, filled with tears.

‘Next time we go shopping together, I won’t be bringing you. You always choose something ugly, and-’

‘Oh, hey, it’s my human friend! How are you doing this fine day?’ The short skeleton rushes forward to link arms with you, and you jump back in surprise. You mother puts on her false caring expression.

‘Oh, Y/N, you didn’t tell me you had monster friends! How progressive!’ The skeleton cringes. What a rude thing to say. He clears his... throat? (if he even had one) before saying ‘how about you have lunch with me? I can drop you off after!’ You consider your options: Spend the rest of the afternoon with your mother and sister, or hang out with a potentially dangerous stranger. In a moment of what may have been poor decision making, you decide that perhaps the latter is the best option.

‘Uh... yeah, alright. Hey, Mom, I’ll be heading off now. Seeya.’ Your mother waves you off as the clerk finishes scanning the items.

As soon as you and the skeleton are out of sight, he turns around to face you, a much more serious look on his face.

‘Oh, I am so sorry you have to live with that. She seems horrible!’ You chuckle and make eye contact with him. ‘Luckily I don’t live with her anymore. I’ve been trying to cut off contact for months.’ He seemed like a guy you could trust, but you worried you might be oversharing.

He places his hands on his hips proudly. ‘Well, I’m glad you’re out of there now! Some people can be really mean. But, uh, do you still want lunch? There’s this really good place around the corner that makes pizza!’

You spend many hours eating and talking with the skeleton, who you later learned was named Sans, or ‘The Magnificent Sans’, as he put it. When you both realised that it was late, he walked you back home to your place.

‘My brother is probably wondering where I am now so I have to be quick, but here’s my number. Feel free to call whenever you stressed or bored! I’ll answer any time.’ Giving him a wave goodbye, you walk inside with the paper slip in your hand.

Maybe things are finally turning around for the better.

#papyrus #sans #blue #blueberry #ut #us #undertale #underswap #abuse mention #panic attack mention #harm mention #modvaughn #they're finally done!#sorry again that they took so long

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taran42181 · 4 years

Text

Losing Sean to addiction and illness...one year ago......

I’m not sure why exactly I’m writing this. Maybe because there’s not a human on this earth, I can talk to the way I can to a blank page. It’s too many layers of things and just confusing to be honest. I’m writing this with limited editing. For an English major it’s not going to be my best work, but the only way for me to get my thoughts out raw and unfiltered is to not care about the silly nuances of grammar. Perhaps that is why I chose to call this blog “Ramblings” because essentially that is what it will be.

I’m sitting here alone, for the first time in weeks. I’m grateful for the chance to quarantine safely in my home with books, tv, food, water, heat, etc. I’m grateful for the extra family time and extra sleep. However, I need my me time. I can only take so much interaction before I need to retreat for a while.

So what is on my mind..what is on my mind..is that I’m missing my brother. Actually, I’m missing my childhood family as I once knew it. Two gone, One sick and one in another state. Such is life. I’m reminiscent. I cringe typing this, because so many people have it so much worse. So many people have so many more struggles and why should anyone give a damn about what I’m missing? We all have stuff do deal with in life. I feel, I post too much as it is, about my life on social media..but I’ll never stop acknowledging Sean or my dad. I’ll just keep the details of my feelings to this blog. I can write, which I love to do, without being a “Debbie Downer,” Sorry.

**********************************************************************************

Dear Sean, You are on my mind so much. I got to text with Paul and Eric out in Colorado and damnit, I’m thankful for them. I’m thankful for Rich, too. I’m glad you had friends that loved you for you. Friends that chose you as family. It means the world to me.

I’m thinking of you Sean, because this time last year, you were dying. You were laying in a bed at CMC, struggling to breath.�� I’m scared of the coronavirus and devastated and anxious for the patients laying in ccu beds on vents and their helpless families. I watched what irreversible ARDS can do to someone and its downright terrifying. It’s ironic that I’m hearing what it does, when just a year ago, I was watching it happen to you.

I tried for years to shield people from your less redeeming qualities; the severity of your mental illness and addiction. It’s so easy for people to judge without knowing the person behind it all. Some people are unforgiving and I wanted to protect you from them. I didn’t see things through rose colored filters. I was tough on you a lot. I was embarrassed and sometimes even afraid for you. I prayed you wouldn’t hurt or kill yourself or accidentally hurt someone else when you were using.

You started out in life as the funniest, happiest little guy I ever knew. You were my best, and for several years, only friend. You never minded hitting record on the cassette player and being my audience when I wanted to sing Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston songs. We walked home from school together every day, and we started neighborhood clubs together. You let me boss you around and played every game I ever asked. You always thought of me when you did things and included me. We both had trouble finding our place in the world at times, but had each other.

It broke my heart when you were 16 and I was 18, and I started noticing you had been acting weird. I had never lived with an addict, and I think it took all of us a little longer than some, to notice the signs. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from a bad choice. You made a choice, and honestly I know it was for the sake of peer acceptance, to try heroin. I’ll never forget the day I confronted you and made you call mom at work and tell her you had been using heroin and couldn’t stop. In hindsight that was a terrible decision on my part towards mom.

It would take days, months even, if I were to write about the years between this day in 1999 and April 1, 2019- the day you died. So, I won’t recount all of it. In short, you suffered all those years. We suffered as a family. We discovered you had many physical health issues, some irreparable. We discovered you had more severe mental health issues than the current mental health system was prepared for, and we saw your addiction spiral to an honestly impressive tolerance. I’ve yet to see anyone else compare. I’m not saying that as a good thing, just the reality. You were hurting, you hurt others and it was a vicious cycle. I won’t sugar coat it. You kept your distance and I tried to protect what I could of your reputation when people asked about you. The truth is your mental illness led you to some dark places and with that, you lost many friends and acquaintances. I know some people never knew you enough to form an opinion, other than a bad one. For their lack of insight into your issues, I don’t hold anything against them. I understand why people would judge harshly and detach from someone who was self destructing. However, I’m so grateful for the people that saw past the bad and remembered that there was a kind, compassionate guy in you somewhere. I’m thankful for the relatives that would ask about you, remember you at holidays and not take your isolation personal. They forgave your mistakes. They loved you and that never waivered. I hope you know that. I know you felt shame, Sean. You felt guilty and hated. I also know you just wanted to be accepted. It saddens me that some family chose to not come out here when you died. They chose to NOT be here for mom when you died. They chose to not honor you as a human being. This doesn’t refer to all of them. Only a couple. Some didn’t acknowledge your death at all! I understand and I know you do too. It’s hard with families and jobs and I hold no ill will. It’s hard, especially coming from out of state. Some of themy expressed their condolences and I was grateful. Some though, judged you and didn’t like what you had become. Maybe you had done or said things to them, and weren’t on good terms with them. Maybe because you didn’t bother to visit them or engage in their lives. Ha! If they only know what your life had become. Alas though, your death wasn’t important to them. Mom’s loss wasn’t significant. They couldn’t be inconvenienced to be here one day for mom, unless it fit their schedule. You didn’t have cancer, you didn’t commit suicide. I’m sure they were surprised it took this long. It makes me sad, but it’s their fears and ignorance that kept them away. I forgive and move on. Guess what though? your true friends and family showed up. I saw Mike and Lem and some other of your childhood friends. Eric, Paul and Rich. My friends from CMC and so many others. I’m forever grateful for each and every person who came to your service or called. Sean, the bottom line is that your life was complicated. My feelings on everything are complicated. ((sigh))).

So, having touched on all the negative stuff, I want to tell you how much you meant to me and still do. I know you knew. I told you all the time I loved you and you told me. We had so much fun together. I wish more of the world saw the Sean that I did. You were kind, funny and loving. You only showed yourself at your best to your nieces and nephews. Somehow despite it all, you managed to be a positive in their lives. It breaks my heart how much the kids miss you, especially your buddy James. When you were doing well, you were amazing. Those times in between, when I know you tried harder than anyone has tried at anything, I cherished. You had so many positive qualities. I’ve still yet to meet someone that compares to your intelligence and quick wit. You are one of a the best writers I know and could play the best pranks.

Watching you die was the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. Even harder than watching dad die. Ryan and I have talked about the comfort we find in knowing you and dad are together. Maybe dad had to die first, to be there to bring you home.

******************************************************************************

For those of you still reading that don’t know what happened when Sean died.. I’ll tell you. A quick side story though... My mother has a neuroendocrine malignancy and parkinsonism. A tiring and frustrating combination of mysterious symptoms. Anyway, much of the last few years she has been in and out of the hospital. Thankfully, we are closer to a more accurate diagnosis and treatments, but her quality of life has diminished. She was a healthy, vibrant healthcare administrator and an active board member for various community organizations in Denver. Approximately 7 years ago, was the beginning of her decline. She still lives life to the fullest though, does not look for help or sympathy, and does her best each day. She amazes me and on her best days you wouldn’t know anything was wrong!

Anyway, about two weeks before Sean died, she had a bad episode in the middle of the night. Paramedics took her to the hospital. It was awful. The next morning, I called Sean to check on him. No answer. A couple of hours later, my mom now stable at the hospital, asked me if I’d talked to him. I told her I’d keep trying. I called and called. I went over to Sean’s apartment and although I had a key, I had to break the chain lock. When I got to his room, he was in bed. He had vomit all over him and was unresponsive. I called 911 and luckily was able to get him to wake up by screaming directly into his hear. When he came to, he was lethargic and disoriented. I wasn’t able to ascertain exactly what he had taken. My only regret that day is that I didn’t go to the hospital with him. Sean’s had many overdoses. I was frustrated and relieved he woke up and thought this would be another one of his hospital admissions. My mom and Ryan have resuscitated him in the past. He overdosed and was intubated several times over the years, before the days of getting Narcan at home. (And yes, he did get lots of “tough” love too. He was in treatment many, many, many times) Sometimes treatment was hard to get because of his co-existing mental and physical issues, but my angel of a mother never gave up on him. She was scammed out of money by a “recovery coach” and hit a lot of roadblocks through the years, but she always tried to keep him alive. She never gave up hope for him. She has been judged for this, but you find out what you would do when your in situations. Anyway, enough sidetracking.

Sean was taken from his room with paramedics and police to the hospital. I fully believed he would be ok. I had to work that evening and called the hospital to check on him. I wasn’t able to find out where he was or what was happening. My mom found out he had gone into respiratory distress and had been intubated. Sean, having been intubated previously on several occasions, had repeatedly told my mom he did not want vented ever again. I’m glad we weren’t there for them to ask us, because his honest feeling was that he didn’t want to be saved but we didn’t have a written dnr and we didn’t want to lose him. In any case, he was intubated and admitted. I went to see him the next day and when I spoke quietly to him, but he woke up and started trying to talk over the vent. I told him I loved him but I was leaving because he needed to rest. I reminded the staff of his high tolerance for sedatives and told them I’d try to stay away as to not agitate him. The nurse was very sweet and understanding.

The next few days I was there in between kids activities, school and work. I tried to visit him and my mom as much as I could. Fast forward, each day Sean got sicker and sicker. I left my phone in my car one day to get coffee at wawa and when I came back I saw the hospital had called. Sean had coded, but they got him back. I went over to the hospital. I took my mom from her hospital room to ICU to see him. They did a TEE but it was negative. They told me he was septic. He had a very bad infection in his lungs. He had what you may be hearing about now on the news, called ARDS. He was so hot that I could have literally cooked breakfast on his skin. He was on a cocktail of antibiotics. Sean had pre-existing lung issues and the night before I found him, Sean had taken drugs. Which ones and what kind, I’m not sure of exactly. He had sedated himself so much, that he went to bed, drank something in his sleep (he had a bottle of orange juice with him) and he aspirated. Had he not taken too much of whatever he did that night, he wouldn’t have been lethargic and under the influence. Had he not brought orange juice to bed, he wouldn’t have aspirated. Laying in bed for a day, after choking, and his breathing diminished, made for him too become too sick to recover.

He continued to deteriorate until they could not longer keep him vented. (side tracking again, if your family member is intubated for any reason I strongly suggest you research what you can and know your rights and options). It came to a point where we had to make a decision. Sean was “out of it’ for most of the time, but he would wake up at times. It was agony because we knew he didn’t want to be vented but he needed it to live. The Palliative care doctor decided we could slowly wean him off things that made his judgement cloudy. Not immediately, but when and if, he was coherent enough, she would talk with him directly. We ask him and he communicated with head nods and pointing. He even tried writing and then he tried and pointed at letters on a keyboard. The day came around and Ryan, mom, me and the Palliative care doctor spoke with Sean. His intensivist told us his lungs would “never recover.” If he were to be take off the vent, the only way he could live was to have a permanent trach. My mom having health issues, and at the time, still a patient herself, wouldn’t be able to care for him full time. He would be likely left to live out years and years, in a nursing home on a trach. If he was healthier and this was reversible for him, it would've been a no brainer. Unfortunately, he had a lot stacked against him. The doctor explained to Sean what happens if we take the tube out. He kept motioning for us to take it out. She explained without the trach he would stop breathing eventually. He indicated in several ways, he clearly understood. For Sean, living each day was a struggle. I think even if he had a better chance at recovery, he still wouldn’t have wanted it. She asked him if that's what he wanted several times and each time, he indicated yes. I had to leave the room to not lose it and break down. So it took a while but they slowly weaned him off of the vent. He asked for Mountain Dew, his favorite. He couldn’t swallow or drink so we put the smallest amount on a one of those little mouth sponges, and gave him a taste. He coughed and coughed, but smiled. He wanted his music, so we played his favorites for him. Frank Turner, Billy Brag, mainly. (much of the music he introduced me too is now stuff I listen to regularly) The three of us spent the next several days with Sean, watching him die. We told him stories, he listened. He tried to laugh. He cried. We cried. He slowly and painfully left the world after three or four days. I can’t even remember how long it took. I told him I would get a tattoo to match one of his. He pointed to one on his arm, that he wanted me to get. The day after his death, I got the tattoo. His breathing became more difficult. His skin burned and burned and even with cooling packs, they couldn’t help him. It devastated me to see him suffering at the end of his life, even though the nurses tried their best to keep him comfortable. Each time he had what I now know is called “Cheyne-stokes” respirations, we would think the time was near, but he kept on. We told him it was ok to go and that dad was waiting. My angel mother prayed over him, with him. She sang to him and I’m damn positive she delivered him to God herself and helped him transition peacefully between the two worlds. I don’t know where she got the strength. She never left his side until the last day. I wasn’t as strong. I couldn’t handle hearing his breath sounds without crying. I’m glad my mom and Ryan could, but I know it wasn’t easy. So, if you’re still reading this long story. wow. and thank you . I feel better for having wrote it out. It’s so much to talk about. I have some really great friends that let me vent to them during it all and have been there for me still. More angels that walk this Earth. <3

I know this is jumbled and all over the place. Half talking to Sean, half talking to whomever is reading. I apologize, but it has been cathartic for me to get it out.

Sean, in the end, I love you. Your life mattered. You had many positive impacts on people. You are missed. We are grateful for having had you for 35 years and I won’t ever forget you!!

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