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deadcactuswalking · 9 months

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 09/09/2023 (Kylie Minogue, Kenya Grace, Tion Wayne/Nines)

Content warning: Discussion of death and some sex references

Doja Cat dethrones Olivia Rodrigo at #1 on the UK Singles Chart, with “Paint the Town Red” becoming her first ever song to top the chart. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

Rundown

As always, we start with the notable dropouts, which are songs exiting the UK Top 75 (that’s what I cover) after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we say farewell to “On the Radar Freestyle” by Drake and Central Cee, “FE!N” by Travis Scott featuring Playboi Carti and Sheck Wes - kind of - “Pakistan” by D-Block Europe featuring Clavish, “How Does it Feel” by Tom Grennan, “Everywhere” and “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac, “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears, “Kill Bill” by SZA, “Another Love” by Tom Odell and finally, “Riptide” by Vance Joy. And stay out.

Always infinitely more interesting are our notable gains, which this week includes “Party All the Time” by Hannah Laing and HVRR at #57, “DNA (Loving You)” by Billy Gillies featuring Hannah Boleyn at #54, “I Remember Everything” by Zach Bryan featuring Kacey Musgraves at #50, “Rave Out” by Turno, Skepsis and Charlotte Plank at #41, “Feel It” by Jazzy at #35, “Bittersweet Goodbye” by Issey Cross at #23, “Rush” by Troye Sivan at #22 thanks to a remix featuring PinkPantheress and Hyunjin of Stray Kids (it’s alright), “Asking” by MK and Sonny Fodera featuring Clementine Douglas at #14 and finally, Fred again.. and Obongjayar get their first top 10 hits as credited artists with “adore u” - even if I’m not a fan of the song, still happy for them at #9.

Our top five on this week’s UK Singles Chart is pretty standard: we have Peggy Gou’s “(It Goes Like) Nanana” at #5, “What Was I Made For?” by Billie Eilish at #4, “vampire” at Olivia Rodrigo down to #3, “Cruel Summer” by Taylor Swift at #2 and of course, “Paint the Town Red” at #1. Now off to look at our interesting list of new entries.

NEW ARRIVALS

#75 - “HONEY (ARE U COMING)” - Maneskin

Produced by SLY and Rami

As soon as I saw this title, I had my concerns about this Italian rock band dipping into incredibly unsexy “I WANNA BE YOUR SLAVE”-esque territory, but whilst the double entendre may still be there, the song is more about sheer adrenaline… and it goes hard as balls. I’ve never been a fan of Mr. David’s nasal delivery, but he rides the riff pretty effectively here, even going into a falsetto he can’t even really hit for the purpose of just having chaotic fun, which seems also to be the reason for the switch between a slimy sing-songy flow in the chorus and its ending screech. The riffs here are infectious, with some great subtle overdubs in the verses, and once again, Ethan Torchio on the drums does a lot to keep this song’s momentum going with a basic but propulsive drum pattern that hits heavy in the chorus and plays really well off of the nastier bass as it rattles around the mix during that post-punk-esque bridge. I do wish the final chorus had a better build up than the smash-in technique it goes for here, but this still kicks a decent amount of ass, even if it’s not all that interesting or unique for this band.

#73 - “Back on 74” - Jungle

Produced by J. Lloyd

It is incredibly painful to see a song called “Back on 74” debut at #73. So close. Anyway, Jungle are a real unique group - you could call them a soul group, an electronic music group, but I don’t think they can effectively be pigeon-holed really. They’re probably best described as a funk group active since 2013 and consistently snatching top 10 albums in the UK. It was of no surprise to see their latest, Volcano, peak at #3 there but it is a bit of a surprise to see them on the singles chart, this being their highest-peaking song in the UK Singles Chart ever and first since 2014’s “Time” which peaked all the way down at #94. I’ve yet to listen to that album yet, but this is a great cut with Lydia Kitto on lead vocals, keeping in a breathy, sometimes clipping higher register amidst a rolicking groove and cute acoustics that exemplify probably the most appealling part of this song to me: sincerity. It’s a nostalgic-feeling jam with seemingly the best intentions with each little vocal harmony, especially when the guys join in on the second verse with Kitto or provide that deep-pitched “oh-oh” doo-wop lines during the chorus. Kitto has some really flailing vocal riffs here too, poking out of the mix kind of desperately in a way that reflects that mantra of “let it go!” The warm synth keys, almost reminding me of Tyler the Creator in how they replicate what would be a brass instrument in an older song, come in later and really seal the deal for me, trickling down until… the song just kind of ends, abruptly, and slightly disappointedly. We do return for a soulful acoustic outro consisting mostly of vaguely psychedelic improv, but it doesn’t feel like a substantial conclusion to a song with so much drive. Otherwise, I mean, it’s still a good ride to hop on, just could have found a better destination. I would be surprised if this stick around too but, hey, I wouldn’t be complaining - it’s rare that something like this ends up even this high.

#72 - “Miillion Dollar Bill” - Beyond Chicago, Majestic and Alex Mills

Produced by Beyond Chicago and Majestic

This is a bit of a deep cut, guys! For context, “Million Dollar Bill” is a throwback-sounding disco and funk track by the legend Whitney Houston herself, released in 2009 and produced by Alicia Keys and her husband Swizz Beatz, yet somehow not ending up sounding in any way modern. This is probably a good thing for Whitney, as her performance here and the instrumental she’s on has never felt perfectly right to me; she still had the pipes in 2009 obviously, but she approached the song in a way that didn’t feel as youthful as it should, as proven by Alicia Keys’ fresh-faced backing vocals that kind of just make me wish she kept the song for herself. It’s also just kind of a boring song, with very little up its sleeves other than relying on sheer belting prowess from its lead star. Regardless, as the lead single from her final album, it still peaked at #5 in the UK, and is clearly remembered enough for a remix by UK DJs Beyond Chicago and Majestic, who you may know from his remix of Boney M.’s “Rasputin” which peaked at #11 just a few years ago. Now on one hand, this song does what the song should have always done, increased the punch of the percussion and picked the pace up a bit. On the other hand, we no longer have the iconic Whitney Houston and are stuck with the completely serviceable - most of the time - Alex Mills, who covers the song without the subtlety that Whitney inherently brought at times in that original version. That’s mostly a good thing when it comes to the incessant French house flip that this song has, still maintaining a replicated version of some of the original, more organic percussion for the pre-drop but going all-out elsewhere on basically digitising this single. I’m still pretty torn on it - it makes the song what it was probably written as, with little regard to who it was written by or for. It slaps harder but less interestingly, it’s got more vocal leap but less personality. It’s structurally completely fine so it’ll function in a club, and I guess that’s this song’s only real purpose so I’m sure it can be a fully ignorable version of a pretty uncommonly-brought-up single from the tail end of a legend’s career.

#65 - “I KNOW ?” - Travis Scott

Produced by OZ, Coleman, Travis Scott, Buddy Ross and BBYKOBE

When listening to UTOPIA, this song may have been the track that exemplified just how much I was bored and frustrated by Travis, as this entire song seems like an exercise in testing patience. It’s plopped right in the middle of the album, between the mysterious Beyoncé-featuring “DELRESTO (ECHOES)”, an aimless, wandering lecture on how to lose all momentum, and the album’s attempt at a grimy banger, “TOPIA TWINS”, so the link between the two complete opposites kind of needs to be substantial, or smooth or at least effectively transitional. This is a piano-led stodge with distorted and time-stretched samples placed in and out as haphazardly as possible to connote “experimentation”. This could potentially fit into a hypnotising, drugged-out atmosphere as Travis has often fell into before but the layers of synth aren’t there, the vocal samples cut in and out, including his own ad-libs which are mixed interruptingly loud, and he has twenty girls sucking him “like bisons”. Regardless, the mindless repetition is enough to make this a catchy song, and hence a fan favourite that has lasted way longer than I expected in terms of its streaming traction. It’s not offensively bad like many other cuts on that album, or even all that frustratingly boring like the rest of it given its shorter runtime, but it’s still just about as worthless.

#53 - “Demons” - Doja Cat

Produced by d.a. got that dope

This series has for the most part always been “all about the music, man”, even if I do often get political or make off-hand comments about scandals. The one thing I tend to avoid - half because I just don’t care enough and half because it accentuates that musical focus - is the music video for a song. I will rarely ever watch a video for a song, genuinely, and this hurts several songs that I end up reviewing. This was a bigger deal from the mid-2010s and earlier, dating back to the 1980s, where videos were a big event that often came with the song to create cultural phenomena, but it’s not like we’ve had a “Thriller”-level match of phenomenon single and cinematic video since, well, maybe “This is America”? Music videos are a lot less important it feels nowadays, at least in the Anglosphere, and I bring this up because the video for “Demons” seems like it was made completely in conjunction with the song. Doja’s teeth-grinding yelps aren’t as villainous without the cloned pitch-black devils echoing them, the trap metal beat from d.a. got that dope of all people doesn’t blast as well without the knowledge that it’s the endless soundtrack to this helpless woman and her kids trying to escape the demonic creatures, and Doja’s sing-songy cadence sounds childlike without the condescending looks and that typewriter scene that practically explains why the second verse’s flow is so awkward. I’m not a music video reviewer though, I review songs and yes, surprise, surprise, I still like this. The horror movie strings are immediately punctuated by a shoddily-mastered bass and maniacal laughter from Doja, who cuts off her own gasping-for-air ad-libs with creepy empty space that is even more noticeable when the stiff beat seems like it should be doing more to cover her minimal, nursery rhyme verses. I’ll admit that the hook gets a bit stale, but the sarcastic pettiness and gross sex bars in that second verse increase the theatrics in a very typically unsubtle way that ensures this won’t fade from memory anytime soon. I’m dying on a very risky hill here, but hey, if Baby Keem needed to be a woman rapping over slasher film soundtracks all this time for me to like him (her?), then Doja found the formula before he could get to it.

#46 - “Last Time I Saw You” - Nicki Minaj

Produced by Hendrix Smoke, ATL Jacob, Bak, Frankie Bash and TooDope

The Queen of Rap is back with her sequel to her debut, Pink Friday and just like the original, there are sugary tacked-on pop singles. This particular one is a bit of a new lane for Nicki though, considering it’s a slow synthpop jam, held together by a ringtone lead synth and some of the worst straw-sounding drums I’ve ever heard on this kind of production backing a harder backbeat that actually functions, perhaps a bit more than Nicki’s mush-mouth singing that is still quite limited, even if it’s far from a bad performance, and coated in enough reverb and Auto-Tune to drown out many of the flaws. In fact, this restrained, kind of muted singing fits pretty well for a song about regretting being not as close as she could in a relationship before it ended. The rap verse may not really take the restraint angle, and it’s not exactly a good verse for Nicki’s standards, but it functions basically as a guest-rap verse on her own song, which is a cute decision, and doesn’t distract much from the song’s flow. In fact, on repeated listens, I began to really like this. Content-wise, the song is just vague enough to reflect any relationship, but does make it clear that it’s not purely romantic, and makes some leads toward it being about her late father, with her struggling to complete the sentence “I killed it”, which resonates with me particularly because there’s always a sense of guilt and loss that you weren’t the perfect person for someone when that person close to you dies, and being as closed-off as Nicki as in this performance, not really wanting to talk about it, was my instinctual reaction too when my father passed. The bridge is what really sold me on this though, with that speck of ambiance amidst all the backing vocal layers, a distant electric guitar signifying his death, before Nicki observes the stars in a nostalgic interpolation of Madonna’s “Lucky Star”, naming her father as the first star she notices in the sky that night. Then the vocal and synth layers continue to pile up, repeating mantras of sentences, whilst the drums transfix into this jerky Jersey club rhythm that never fully comes to a conclusion, just fading into a drumless chorus that is honestly pretty beautiful, especially with what sounds like a subtle male backing vocal harmonising with Nicki on the first line of that final hook. I… may have just talked myself into loving this one. I’ve got to stop doing that.

#43 - “AMEN” - Tion Wayne and Nines

Produced by Smokey.jam and GUSTO

The two grit-voiced UK rappers team up for a collaboration that makes all too much sense and yes, whilst it is mostly a Tion Wayne song with a Nines guest verse, Nines still must have injected some fury in Tion here considering how he comes in with a lot of violence here, making his typical pop culture potpourri of references just that more fun. He’s over a pretty nasty beat too, blending shuffling boom bap drums with an eerie acoustic loop and some gorgeous female vocals standing airily in the back of the chorus. The call-and-response with the choir in the chorus is a brilliant choice to make this song anthemic, and to my surprise, Nines doesn’t really mess it up either. He comes in as sloppy and conversational as he’s always been, but his lowkey basically-just-talking flow is a nice respite from Tion’s aggression and he occasionally sounds smooth even. As a whole piece, this may not be perfect - it’s not exactly the most potent either have been - but it’s a great pumping rap banger outside of the trap and drill subgenres, which I feel like we’ve been missing lately. Hell, if this whole G-Unit revival sound in the UK is going to bring songs like this, I can’t be too upset at Digga D for helping start that.

#20 - “Strangers” - Kenya Grace

Produced by Kenya Grace

This one kind of came out of nowhere, especially for a top 20 hit, but this is Kenya Grace, a singer from London with just a few songs out as of writing, and this is her massive breakout hit, “Strangers”, which I see as a more futuristic and cinematic version of what PinkPantheress has been doing, replacing her more vintage-sounding samples with a plastic 80s synth and ominous vocal loops, whilst keeping the rhythmic, wistful delivery. Sadly, the chorus really doesn’t hit here, as it’s just two extended, kind of awkward lines with that “uh-huh” mantra filling in the blanks. Interestingly, just like PinkPantheress, the song feels unfinished, but in a completely different way, not that there’s a great song that just needs a proper emotional climax, but in that this song feels like a template for what could be a brilliant track, and never gets there, which is especially annoying since it uses the momentum of a drum and bass track to propel itself, which makes it incredibly unsatisfying when nothing aligns together as it should. It’s a good effort but I’m more hoping for a more realised follow-up than listening to this one anytime soon.

#19 - “Tension” - Kylie Minogue

Produced by Duck Blackwell and Richard “Biff” Stannard

And from a singer who was a practical unknown until recently to perhaps the most established and no-introduction-needed artist in this list. The second single and title track from her upcoming album, is “Tension” going to live up to the big comeback of “Padam Padam”? Well, perhaps it won’t be a similar phenom, but it applies a similar formula with the robotic repetition and bordering-on-cringeworthy lyrics amidst a slightly bubblier production than the last single, going for a 90s piano house lead and very fizzy synth bass plucks following every angle of the mix, even in the intensely-filtered pre-chorus which is practically a call-and-response, but with Kylie’s heavily affected cooing that eventually transforms into this completely unrecognisable glitched fabric mixed sloppily onto a slap house rhythm as the bass dominates the mix until what is practically a drop-within-a-drop, that brings in a freaking sick bass guitar line and releases a lot of airier synth soundscapes. The second verse has some fantastic choir-like backing vocal layers, and the rest of the song’s progression just continues to overwhelm in a way that seems set to establish Kylie’s sexual and pop culture dominance. As she’s basically a mystical figure in pop at this point, this new practically alien futuristic house sound that’s minimal in idea, maximum in execution, is a sound I really love for her. It actually brings her into the modern pop scene a lot smoother than you’d think, because it incorporates elements of her existing stage and media persona. This is great - silly, but not bordering on stupid like “Padam Padam” - instead, it’s just fantasical and out of this world in a really gripping way.

Conclusion

What a good week. There are only three songs of nine I wasn’t a fan of and even then, they’re far from terrible. Travis Scott does end up with Worst of the Week for “I KNOW ?”, but a Dishonourable Mention isn’t needed. Instead, how about two Honourable Mentions for “Back on 74” by Jungle and “Last Time I Saw You” by Nicki Minaj which was very close but does mean that Best of the Week goes to Kylie Minogue for “Tension”. There was a lot of good stuff this week though; I’ve yet to listen to Olivia Rodrigo’s newest but I hope she brings some of that same quality next week. As for now, thank you for reading, rest in peace to Steve Harwell and I’ll see you then!

#uk singles chart #tion wayne #nines #kylie minogue #kenya grace #song review

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deadcactuswalking · 1 year

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS EUROVISION SPECIAL: 20/05/2023 (+ Lil Durk/J. Cole & Ed Sheeran)

Content warning: Discussions of Israel-Palestine conflict, death/grieving and brief mentions of r*pe, homophobia and Drake

Welp... it’s a big one. Despite all of the movement and a hefty competition, “Miracle” by Calvin Harris and Ellie Goulding reigns for a sixth week. This’ll be fun to run through... welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

Rundown

As always, we start with the notable dropouts and as you’d expect, there are a lot this week, mostly because we have 16 new songs to cover... which may be a record. What I consider notable dropouts are songs that exit the UK Top 75 – which is what I cover – after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40, which means we say farewell to “Scrap the Monarchy” by The Krown Jewelz, “Favela” by Nines featuring J. Styles, “Boat” by Ed Sheeran, “Alone” by Kim Petras and Nicki Minaj, “Make Me” by Borai and Denham Audio, “Peaches” by Jack Black, “Here” by Tom Grennan, “Snooze” by SZA, “Us Against the World” by Strandz, “Players” by Coi Leray, both “Mother” and “Made You Look” by Meghan Trainor (not her best week), “Pointless” by Lewis Capaldi and of course, some of the long-time bottom-feeders – “Afraid to Feel” by LF SYSTEM, “Another Love” by Tom Odell and finally, “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers, because of course.

It’s a busy week... yet somehow, Lewis Capaldi’s “Someone You Loved” found time to return. 16 new arrivals and we have “Someone You Loved” at #75... the UK Singles Chart, everyone. We also have a ton of other random re-entries, like “CUFF IT” by Beyoncé after her tour announcement – it previously peaked at #5 – as well as “Creep” by Radiohead getting a Guardians of the Galaxy-related surge to #41 (it peaked at #7 in 1993, and Thom Yorke is right about it – it sucks). As for our notable gains... I mean, we did see some boosts for “Waffle House” by the Jonas Brothers at #37, “MATHEMATICAL DISRESPECT” by Lil Mabu at #27... this is all terrible news. Outside of that, we have “Dancing is Healing” by Rudimental, Vibe Chemistry and Charlotte Plank at #23, “Dog Days are Over” by Florence + the Machine at #21, “Giving Me” by Jazzy at #14 and Mae Muller copping her first top 10 with “I Wrote a Song” at #9 after a particularly bad closing performance at the You-Know-What contest.

The top five on this week’s UK Singles Chart consists of a mix of your standard, expected tracks from past weeks and at least one surprise. We have “Wish You the Best” by Lewis Capaldi at #5, “Eyes Closed” by Ed Sheeran at #4, “Daylight” by David Kushner at #3, “Tattoo” by Loreen at #2 – we’ll get to that soon, don’t worry – and of course, “Miracle” at the very top. Now to cover the big story I haven’t been mentioning by name:

Eurovision Song Contest 2023

This year’s Eurovision Song Contest broadcast included a video presented by Bjorn Ulvaeus of ABBA that bragged about the recent success Eurovision acts had been having on the charts, which we saw ourselves on this show – if I can call it that – with Maneskin, “Arcade”, “SNAP”, and I’m sure I’m missing some. Eurovision songs always appear on the chart if they do well, but prolonged success is rare and the streaming success as of recent is pretty good for the contest’s longevity. Of course, Eurovision was hosted in Liverpool – on behalf of Ukraine – this year, so there was a lot more buzz about the final in the UK than usual, with me myself getting back into the hype for this year. I did enjoy it, for the record – I don’t do Eurovision reviews because a lot of it ends up in the top 75 the week after but if I did, I’d be pretty positive since I liked the minimalism of some of the staging, especially the more inventive or sparse-looking performances, as well as appreciating a lot of the songs. My favourites were Luke Black from Serbia and Slovenia’s Joker Out, but they did not get far in the competition or on Spotify at least in the UK, so we’ll have some of the lesser songs – but at least not any of the dull ballads – debuting here instead, and since I did it last year I may as well cover them separately once again. As with the new songs, the numbers represent the debut position and I’ll note which country the song is representing instead of the production credit – but don’t worry, I’ll weave them into the review as with last year. Oh, and I’ll keep the #2 debut for last just like Sam Ryder for consistency’s sake; Loreen will not be in this section. As for who will be, well...

#63 – “Because of You” – Gustaph

REPRESENTING: Belgium

Landing at the seventh spot in the song contest is Belgian singer Gustaph, who self-produced this cute little dance-pop track alongside Willem Vanderstichele – awesome name. Cribbing from Jamiroquai’s fondness for both big hats and funky beats, we have a groovy house track on our hands wherein Gustaph honestly carries himself as a diva over an infectious synth bass and more generic house production that sounds as 90s as it could possibly sound. It’s a love song where Gustaph carries on because of his partner, and whilst the drop doesn’t do much justice to the celebratory tone of the song in my opinion, it has really grown on me due to the live performance, which was fantastic, and the notable anti-homophobia undertones are obviously going to resonate in the current... LGBTQ hellscape in the western world. It’s a defiant song that makes up for its shortcomings in pure charisma – I wish there was more to it, but that final crescendo with the fizzling percussion and strings does a whole lot to sell me on it. It’s a song that’s absolutely fit for the burst of energy format that Eurovision tends to allow for.

#56 – “Solo” – BLANKA

REPRESENTING: Poland (controversially)

Yeah, there were some issues surrounding this one. Apparently, there were accusations of rigged votes due to connections the jury had with BLANKA... and I hope 19th place was worth the corruption, guys. It’s not like the end result of it, produced by Tribbs and Maciej Puchalski, is all that good. You wouldn’t be able to tell a Pole made it considering the generic European pop sound reliant on a reggae-esque beat that somehow gets stiffer the more percussion is added, sounding like a modern version of Ace of Base that nobody asked for. BLANKA celebrates how she’s better off without this partner, and I don’t really care because she doesn’t sound like she does either, with the entire song sounding as processed as possible. Eurovision is at its worst when it’s boring, and BLANKA absolutely was, with the performance being just as dull as the song is. BLANKA even released extra remixes – and this is not like Ukraine, wherein TVORCHI released an original mix and a Eurovision mix (the song – and especially the genius performance – were great, by the way, and it’s a shame it did not chart). No, it has a nightcore version, several producer-led remixes (they’re both cheap garbage but the Audiosouls slap house remix kind of works for what it is), a live acoustic version that does her pronunciation absolutely no favours and a Goddamn Christmas version. It adds jingle bells. Next.

#48 – “Who the Hell is Edgar?” – TEYA and SELENA

REPRESENTING: Austria

I guess we had to be on a strictly first-name basis with the entrants this year, and despite coming 15th with a surprisingly minimal and drab performance, I at least like the song’s conceit. It’s about ghostwriting, and takes a pretty comical approach with the two suddenly having this hit song on their hands, being possessed by the ghost of Edgar Allen Poe because... of course, and ending up not being able to pay rent still despite the song’s popularity, making a point about how little artists get royalties-wise from streaming services. It makes a decent point and is pretty goofy doing so, making little cute references to the business side of the industry... though that may be why the juries were unwilling to give it the time of day. With that said, it’s an alright song, though it’s kind of soured on me – the warping synths, staccato bass and rollicking guitars in the verses are great, but it doesn’t entirely mesh once we get to the hypnotic chorus, especially with the bass distracting from the hypnotism of it if anything. In fact, it gets a little too bombastic for me especially with the choir interludes and some of the delivery feeling a bit noxious, but that’s kind of expected with this goofy premise. It’s alright, but not one of the Eurovision tracks from this year that I come back to often.

#45 – “Unicorn” – Noa Kirel

REPRESENTING: Israel

You know, to an extent, Eurovision is about representing countries and their public image. This has always been necessary for Europe, as we have committed some of the worst crimes against humanity known to, well, humanity, and to be seen as fun-loving and progressive is just what we want to look like in the face of growing discontent and awareness of the bloodied history of these nations thanks to the war in Ukraine. Produced by Yinon Yahel and placing third, this song tells the story of Israel, and whilst Kirel has said it represents harnessing the feminine power of the unicorn and that she’s promoting “togetherness”, don’t be fooled: she’s lovey-dovey with President Herzog, and this song is a bitter, bitter version of the story of Israel sang by someone who didn’t get the memo that Kesha wasn’t being 100% serious. Kirel dismisses believing in old stories – which, for someone with family that survived the Holocaust, you’d think she’d be more open to hearing – calling them “fairytales” whilst making references to her DNA and professing the “independent” power of Israel amidst other people “calling them names”, with an extra touch of condescension to, you know, native people fighting for their freedom? She does the whole patronising motivational aspect, which could come off okay if she weren’t representing Israel – say what you want about what the song truly means and it’s going to mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people (which is great!) but to me, this is sly propaganda written off as a girl-power anthem. When the continued oppression and murder is ongoing, current and brainwashed into Israelis in their youth, it’s hard to compare it to a motivational song from many of these other countries that are not so explicitly murderous, especially due to how pissy and defensive this is lyrically. To make it this danceable and kitsch is just the genocidal cherry on top of the cake of ethnic cleansing. Screw this song, free Palestine, and let’s move on.

#10 – “Queen of Kings” – Alessandra

REPRESENTING: Norway

I mean, if we’re getting political still, there are some Queens and Kings here in England I wouldn’t mind to see gone. This song placed fifth and is the first top 10 hit by Alessandra, the part-Italian singer, alongside production from Henning Olerud and Stanley Fernandez, who I think are the main issues here. I did think the performance was completely fine, if a bit disappointing, but this girl-power anthem is not about genocide – thank God – but instead is kind of a Game of Thrones escapist fantasy acting as a release for the struggle that it was for Alessandra to grow up bisexual in Italy. It’s not immediately obvious in the lyrics but it’s Eurovision – it’s usually AGAP (as gay as possible). Her breathy belting is impressive and rapid, even if it didn’t translate that well live, but I don’t like the dramatic swell of this, mostly since it feels really cheap and over-produced, which really muddies Alessandra’s performance: she just has no space here, especially with the bass at the front of the mix that gives it a nauseating, headache-inducing feel that shreds it of a lot of its genuinely promising elements. It’s a shame because the high note is impressive and the song is catchy as sin, but the first of our Eurovision top 10s doesn’t impress me that much. At least it’s better than Mae Muller, and with this, her and Loreen, as well as the next song, we actually have four Eurovision songs simultaneously in the top 10, showing an unexpectedly large impact for the contest this year. Oh, and by the way, I’m sure you know but “I Wrote a Song” placed 25th... hey, it could have been worse. We could have been Germany.

#6 – “Cha Cha Cha” – Kaarija

REPRESENTING: Finland

Now this one is probably our strangest: as expected, the vast majority of the charting Eurovision tracks are 90% to 100% in English, but this one is by a formerly practically unknown rapper whose vocals are solely in Finnish. Whilst it came second overall, it won the televote and there were a lot of fans in the audience that night, I imagine partly because of how over-the-top and outwardly quirky it all is. It was a rather populist track in that regard, and I’m not surprised that despite its inaccessibility, it’s in the top 10... and it’s not just the language: it’s really out there. Produced by Aleksi Nurmi and Ki-RO, I wouldn’t be all too surprised to hear 100 gecs over this, combining hypnotising bass and intimidating techno rhythms with a creepily layered vocal in between a perking siren that eventually takes us headfirst into a dance-rock jam, with a charismatic chant vocal Keith Flint would be proud to hear still near the top of the charts. I have no idea what the song is about and I don’t think I’m supposed to: the “cha cha cha” is there to make sure I don’t need to care, and the guitars smash into the mix to ensure the only important element of the song shines: it goes hard. It goes intensely hard... and then it goes really 100 gecs on us and turns into a full-on trance song, still using the “cha cha cha” motif but otherwise ditching the chorus for a completely new one and it’s just Goddamn brilliant. With an utterly seamless transition, Kaarija’s yell dampens into an Auto-Tuned croon fit for 90s bubblegum dance, and every flash of synth has so much colour over the still pulsating dance beat that you almost forget this is one song until the crowd cheering comes in like this is “Zombie Nation” and a soaring guitar leads us into the final refrain. It’s adorable, it’s aggressive, it’s bizarre and honestly, with the ending callback to the original hook and siren loop, it’s kind of genius. Of course it won the televote, and whilst it wasn’t my favourite, it absolutely deserved to win the contest as a whole. We’ll get to the true winner after a not-so-brief interruption from songs that may actually last.

NEW ARRIVALS

#72 – “Real Back in Style” – Potter Payper

Produced by Jason Julian and Kyle Evans

Potter Payper was blocked by Ed Sheeran for the #1 on this week’s albums chart, with the album of the same name as this track debuting at #2, which is still his highest peak yet. I’ve never really been impressed by Mr. Payper, but his guest verse from last week was alright so I had some hopes for this and honestly, it’s not bad at all. The filtered gospel choir-sounding vocal sample is pretty airy with how it’s edited and it leads to a levitating foundation which fits Mr. Payper’s yelling delivery since it makes him stand out even more as he makes his entrance before the pounding drums come in and he finds his pocket a bit more tightly. The rhyme schemes are pretty good, with a flubbed rhyme actually being used for tension purposes, which is a sick decision, and the soaring chipmunk vocal behind the hard military-esque drums is a nice touch too. Sadly, he focuses from Recovery-era Eminem melodrama syndrome with an unnecessary, cheap-sounding electric guitar but it’s not that distracting when Mr. Payper is going so hard delivery-wise. He’s barely adding much groove or rhythm as much as he’s just yelling into the clouds about his life, and it’s kind of endearing due to the sheer passion. The beat switch could have been pulled off a bit better – the build-up feels a bit too long for what is essentially just a trap beat, and not one that goes consistently hard either. It sounds like Mr. Payper wrote and rapped over a beat with no drums and the producers just jumped the percussion in afterwards. With that said, the second beat is where Potter gets the most profound – if he hadn’t been placed in prison and mistreated by police, if he didn’t get involved in drug trafficking, if he wasn’t impoverished, he wouldn’t be able to receive the praise and success he does now... and that’s a sad existence when laid out as explicitly as it is here. Maybe this guy really is improving, though it may take another single for me to really be convinced to check out that album. Regardless, I’m impressed it charted. Speaking of album cuts charting, however...

#71 – “Satellite” – Harry Styles

Produced by Tyler Johnson and Kid Harpoon

We’re basically a year on from the release of Harry’s House and man, I still think it’s pretty terrible. I don’t like this one at all but it’s probably one of the better tracks, and now it’s got a video, it barely made its way here. Maybe it’s grown on me? I mean, no, it really hasn’t. It’s the track I want to like the most, with its progressive electronic swirl at the start furthered by Styles’ ambient humming, but the cosmic sparseness of it doesn’t allow for Harry to actually dive in as much as he clearly wants to. He feels a bit unambiguous to his own instrumental, which may fit due to the song being about him orbiting, just waiting for his love interest to bring him in... but then why does it have a corny dance beat in the chorus? Why is there a pitch-shifted post-chorus interlude that only plays once before being a distracting layer of some of the lines in the chorus? That chorus never changes like I feel like it should – it’s one of those songs that demands a bit of a narrative switch but it’s constantly stuck in flux, adding nothing of interest except for a brief crash of guitars that sounds great, especially with the distant reverb on Harry’s voice and the soaring synths, but it really is too little too late and there’s something about the guitars combined with a continued unchanging chorus that prevents it from ever feeling cathartic. I would have preferred it maybe go into a half-time breakdown or you know, he finally gets the girl, making more of a moment of the song instead of flindering off into nothingness, but I guess that would mean it doesn’t fit into the numb void of Harry’s House. If he played into it more with the songwriting, maybe it’d actually be interesting.

#70 – “TMO (Turn Me On)” – Luude and Bru-C featuring Kevin Lyttle

Produced by Chase & Status and Luude

...What? Were we really in need for a remix of “Turn Me On” by Kevin Lyttle by the “Down Under” guy with vocals from... Bru-C of all people? Why aren’t Chase & Status credited but the sample is? For what it’s worth, I really like the original. If I ignore the backing vocals from a BTEC Sean Paul, I can get into Lyttle’s unique falsetto that makes the song feel really cute, especially with the upbeat dancehall rhythm and extra synth inflections added by RedOne. It’s additionally VERY catchy, and has not left my head since it peaked at #2 in 2003 – he was blocked by Sugababes, which was a surprise to me. I assumed this had got to have gone #1, but alas, here we have Luude, Bru-C and Chase & Status taking the song to a new generation of listeners and is the remix any good? To be fair, Luude tried his best to make sure the general vibe – even if not genre – was replicated, with an uncredited emcee hyping up the track before it starts, and the dancehall rhythm being replicated with breakbeat stabs... and Goddamn it, it’s really good and I have no idea how to feel about that. It doesn’t do much to the original other than changing the sound – in convention, it’s very similar, with rubbery synth glitches reflecting the jerkier synth strings in the original. That’s probably for the best in this case, as making this any darker would completely ruin the naive, fun-loving spirit Lyttle has, and Bru-C’s “desperately trying to be cool” cadence fits perfectly, especially with a slicker-than-usual rhyme scheme and flow that sounds pretty sick over the pulsating drum and bass beat. This song is one that absolutely knows its intentions and completely succeeds with flying colours. It didn’t really exceed my expectations but... it’s a drum and bass remix of “Turn Me On” by Kevin Lyttle, what should even BE my expectations?

#69 – “hotline” (Edit) – Billie Eilish

Produced by FINNEAS

This is a one-minute cover of “Hotline Bling” by Drake. There is a full version of the cover, which was recorded in 2018, and released on her SoundCloud as well as a physical single, but she noticed it going viral on TikTok and released this tiny edit of it onto streaming services. You can barely tell that it’s a cover, given its acoustic guitars and her whispered delivery that phases into the cloudy production... and uh, that’s kind of it. I don’t like the original song because it’s a tad whiny, and Eilish’s version definitely isn’t but I don’t get much obvious emotion from it at all. This is essentially just a nicely-produced snippet of an acoustic instrumental that features barely audible Drake lyrics in the background, and it sounds like it would make a good background track for a scene in a particularly pastoral film set in a forest, or a dream sequence. That’s probably more analysis than this tiny snippet will ever have. I like the sound, though, and if Billie’s going this direction with the next album and this re-release is a reflection of it – I wouldn’t put it past her to include this on it – I’m pretty excited for what might be next.

#66 – “Area Codes” – Kali

Produced by Tate Kobang and YG! Beats

Ludacris’ “Area Codes” featuring Nate Dogg is a classic, lighthearted jam that sadly never charted in the UK. It has Luda’s signature brash fun and carefree bars alongside Nate’s rich voice dripping in untouched swag and charisma. It’s full of hooks, and I recommend you hear it if you like this interpretation by Kali, a rapper who I know (and liked) from XXL but have otherwise heard not much else from. I expected a more fun, swaggering track reminiscent of the funky R&B hook of the original, but this is such a bare snap track wherein Kali’s rapid whispering is at the front of the mix as she raps about taking advantage of all these men she’s with. The minimal, eerie nature of the beat alongside the soaring sound effects in the back allow for it to sound really dark, and it’s a shame that Kali doesn’t fully play into that, as I’d prefer it to fully give in to the evil seductress vibe implied by the laughing and flow than keep in this awkward middle stage. This is especially an issue with the song’s length, as it just kind of flounders off into an instrumental... which doesn’t serve much of a purpose when there’s practically nothing to said instrumental. This is far from bad, and I’m pretty impressed by Kali’s presence here, especially on the call-and-response chorus where she throws in that her hoes might even include your dad, but I’m not fully on board because there just isn’t much here.

#53 – “Side Effects” – Becky Hill and Lewis Thompson

Produced by Jon Shave and Lewis Thompson

Man, I’m not even close to finishing this episode, am I? Well, at least the charts are somewhat making it easy – I can’t say much about one-minute snippets or really even Becky Hill tracks. This sounds like any of her others for the most part but there is an interestingly darker tinge to this that would be interesting... but the flashier swell and the sing-songy chorus kind of ruins that vibe for me. Becky actually fits very well on darker production here, so I’m pretty disappointed they didn’t go that route fully, as again, I’d like her to play the villain more – framing it as a moving on or breakup song is just less compelling and less fitting production-wise than going into full cheating, regretless one-night stand mode. With all of that said, this song is still very much functional, and Lewis Thompson’s production has enough quirky sound effects to differentiate it slightly from the typical slap house, with the vocaloid drop being a tad more ethereal helping with this quite a bit. Also ever since I mentioned them in the “TMO (Turn Me On)” review, Sugababes must be on the mind because the chorus of this song, even just the first line, immediately reminded me of their version of “Freak Like Me”. Honestly, Becky Hill could kill that. Now that’s a cover I want to hear more than one minute of.

#35 – “Mountain” – Sam Ryder

Produced by Jimbo Barry, Lewis Allen and Sam Ryder

During the performance at Eurovision, Sam Ryder brought out Roger Taylor of Queen. A legend, of course, he deserved to be there and he was even given a little camera pan and acknowledgement by aging homosexual Graham Norton. He played drums on this song. That was it. Ryder didn’t come out and cover a Queen song, which is beyond me since when I think about British music, Queen is one of the first acts to cross my mind. Roger Taylor was just... there. He doesn’t even play drums on the official version, so that felt like a massive wasted potential. Regardless, the performance raked up some sales for this song and I’ve not been diagnosed with narcolepsy so it’s clearly not my fault that I immediately felt the urge to fall fast asleep when I pressed play on this one, right? Ryder has a nice voice but this song has no weight or grit to it, just a whole lot of fake handclaps and a surprisingly weak chorus when it comes to a recognisable melody. It just feels very staccato and also very reminiscent of Katy Perry’s “Roar” which had that exact same problem. There’s an instrumental break that consists of a single drum fill and what sounds like the start of a guitar solo... before it just creeps below the final chorus in the mix. If I were to soundtrack an advert for cars that I didn’t actually want anyone to buy since I kind of liked having them, and I’m not going to make much of a profit anyway since they’re not great-looking or designed by expensive companies, they’re just kind of middle-of-the-road cars that couldn’t be afforded by the average person but also is below the price range of the kind of person who would flex a car collection, so I’m just kind of showing off the cars in well-shot ads that clearly cost a lot to produce so I should probably try and sell the cars, but there’s not much of a demographic for them anyway so it might be cheaper to keep them since I rented this sent to film so I definitely have the space at least for now, and Hell, I might be able to coerce the person who owns the property I used to film the semi-professional-looking car adverts to take at least two off of my hands for his troubles... this is my first choice.

#29 – “Life Goes On” – Ed Sheeran

Produced by Aaron Dessner

I have still yet to hear – (Subtract) in full, but this seems to the post-album release single Ed is pushing, considering it has the video and a duet version with Luke Combs. Sadly, Combs isn’t credited here, but this folkish tune was in his wheelhouse before he was on it. The song is an acoustic ballad about the death of his friend and entrepreneur Jamal Edwards. He says that he wanted the world to stop like it did for the Queen and he got some of that comfort through the traditional “Nine Night” custom where for eight nights, friends and family gather for drinks and recollection of memories they have with the deceased. The ninth night is a party to commemorate their life and acknowledge that things have to go back to normal, but Ed struggles with this idea, because it hit him so heavily initially that he can’t bring himself to do anything but sink and sulk. He continues the weather theme that’s present in some of the other singles and you can hear a lot of the raw emotion in Ed’s great vocals here, and since it’s mostly acoustic, he really shines, with a lot of the moments of swell seeming borderline sarcastic considering how he’s convinced himself that life must go on. The bridge leading into the final chorus is a really crushing moment and as someone who is still processing a very important loss, this hit me really hard. It’s a beautiful tribute whilst also serving as Ed passionately taking a grip on his own grieving process, which is very difficult to do, and because of how personal it is, I think the Luke Combs version, which take the same lyrics, doesn’t serve the song much purpose, even if I love his vocals as always on here. It just means a lot more to hear it from just Ed.

#17 – “All My Life” – Lil Durk featuring J. Cole

Produced by Dr. Luke

Sigh, one thing I really hate about J. Cole is his blistering ignorance of issues that don’t directly affect him. You can’t be a conscious rapper and be spitting on beats produced by rapists, Jermaine, and that same vitriol goes to any rapper who won’t admit their imperfections on wax. That’s why it’s particularly annoying that he’s present on this song about Durk actively trying to improve himself, with a motivational chorus led by a children’s choir (which rarely ever works and doesn’t here under the weak trap beat) and a verse that shows how despite some of the blame being on the system, and rightfully so, he’s going through a lot of his own trials to get himself out of the violence he had become so accustomed to. It’s a great verse, with the difficulty of keeping the balance reflected in the varying cadences that go from mellow, muted melodic snippets and nasal, unabashed yelling, as well as his crooning about how a lot of the problems are inherent and internal – he’s not trying to preach, he’s using this to remind himself more than anything. So why is J. Cole here? He’s flexing, mostly against other rappers which just feels misguided when half of the verse is about a murdered rapper he admits he’d never heard of until he died, then getting rightfully upset at the media for publicising it and attracting fake hype just because he was the victim of a murder. Without many specifics or any interesting imagery, he��s essentially saying nothing about this societal issue whilst attracting all of the issues towards his own orbit; it’s all about him, and how he’s above all of that, despite the fact that he continues to use weapons as imagery when describing how much better he is than all these reckless, clueless rappers. To have this holier-than-thou verse after Durk’s honest one about how he lived that life and it’s a difficult mental process to get out of it is completely tone-deaf, and the fact that he really isn’t showing much technical skill or even a good flow here makes it even more bitter. The hook was growing on me by the end as well, and the melancholy Rod Wave-esque beat is not bad at all... so piss off, Cole, find worse songs to ruin. This could have been good.

#2 – “Tattoo” – Loreen

REPRESENTING: Sweden

Produced by Jimmy Jansson, Peter Bostrom and Thomas G:son

FINALLY! Oh, my God, finally, this week is over. Let’s just get this 16th song over with – sorry if it’s anti-climactic but for a Eurovision-winning song, it feels more like jury bait than anything all that interesting. I like the filtered synths but both the 80s synthpop pastiche context and 2010s EDM sound are very much done to death nowadays, so the song feels more like placing two clichés together than actually playing with them all that much. The performance and staging was excellent, however, and Loreen looked and sounded as excellent as she does on record if not even rawer and more powerful. The song itself is Loreen fighting through a troubled relationship and the claustrophobia that could set in from that tension is definitely there, especially in the orchestrated breakdown, but it just doesn’t click with me, especially due to the abrupt ending. It’s her first top 10 since she last won Eurovision in 2012 in Baku with “Euphoria”, which means she’s only the second singer to win Eurovision twice after Johnny Logan from Ireland, which ALSO means Loreen is the highest-charting non-UK Eurovision winner since Mr. Logan. Sweden tired the Irish for the most wins in the contest with seven and bam! – there’s your chart stats, you got my opinion, you got the background. It’s a song review speedrun.

Conclusion

Fittingly for a week with 16 songs it was kind of a mixed bag, though one thing I found they had in common was a lack of things to say... which is a saving grace because again, 16 songs. As for what I give out at the end, well, Ed’s done it again. Sheeran gets Best of the Week for the second week in a row for “Life Goes On”, though a close Honourable Mention goes to “Cha Cha Cha” by Kaarija. As for the worst, it’s a shame but Eurovision kind of dominates. That J. Cole pissed me off but not nearly to the extent that Noa Kirel does so “Unicorn” grabs Worst of the Week – it’s not a political cop-out if the genocide’s in the lyrics – and I think Sam Ryder gets the Dishonourable Mention for “Mountain”. I talked about cars for the vast majority of that review, and I barely know anything about cars. As for what’s on the horizon, I really don’t expect the Eurovision stuff to stick around outside of maybe Loreen and hopefully Kaarija, so I imagine it would be a similar free-for-all next week... though especially with less songs. Please, Britain? I have a life to live. Regardless, thank you for reading – if you were able to make it this far – and I’ll see you next week!

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