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minustwofingers · 1 year

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exoplanet p.6 (ellie’s journals)

summary: you’ve won the life lottery as one of the few people on earth with parents who gained admittance to the most prestigous safezone in the world after the outbreak. but after a lab accident sends you out to jackson, wyoming, real life hits you fast. it’s a good thing that a hot lesbian finds u. (lol). mean ellie at first, slowburn, enemies to friends to lovers, fem reader asf

warnings: a significantly different writing voice! this is going to be a very different vibe from the other chapters since i had to write it as i imagine ellie would (which is a lot different than i do). slight nsfw content (mdni), language, mentions of violence/gore, angst, ellie’s pov is actually really depressing

a/n: soooo i know it’s been almost 3 months...and i’m really sorry about that! a lot of stuff happened in my life and i kind of fell off writing for quite some time. but i finish series, so i’m going to get through exoplanet in its entirety so i can finally give you all closure. some preliminary notes: know that these are modeled after how i imagine ellie would journal if she did journal this much. canonically she didn’t do that much writing that follows a narrative like it does here. i think it’s honestly a little ooc for her to be emotionally responsible enough to talk out her feelings, but given that there’s no other way to tell her side of the story (save for legit rewriting it from her perspective, which would take another 6 months or so and be horrifically repetitive), i decided to just suck it up and write it. i’m sorry if it sounds awkward, since she definitely doesn’t write in a voice that i have much experience with. the next chapter will be better!

word count: 5.5k

tags~ @intrnetdoll @dazedshoon @lovecaraya @pctcr @sariyaflowr @loser-keiji @prettyplant0 @666findgod @sawaagyapong @rystarkov @buzzybuzzsposts @addisonnie @galacticstxrdust @elliesbabygirl @pinkazelma @ariianelle @lu002 @blairfox04 @sparkleswonderland @elliesflower @muthafuckingstargirl @elliewilliamsissubermommyoml @eviestevie-14 @quicksilversg1rl @guacala @crtcrp @overtrred28

(i haven’t updated this yet bc my tags aren’t working)

a special special SPECIAL thanks to both @roarriita and @elliesflower for being soooo sexy and betaing for me. you both are so wonderful and helped me sm in feeling good enough to post this :)

without further ado, enjoy ellie’s journals!

January 20th, 2038

Today’s been…fucking…

I don’t even know where to start. I don’t get why this sort of shit always happens to me. First it was being bit and somehow surviving. Then it was getting carted off across the country. And now some girl basically falls out of the sky, claiming that she comes from some sort of paradise up North?

I’ll spare the immediate details. I don’t think I’ll forget the basic stuff—her name, the way she looked clutching at her knees in the clearing and shaking. That stupid shirt she had on and that expensive scarf.

I still want to believe that she’s just a liar who happened to get lucky with running into us, but even without Joel vouching for her story, I don’t think I’d ever be able to buy that she’d been living in the same world as us. I’ve never met someone without scars before. I didn’t know that there were people out there who didn’t have marked up arms and faces. Or people without calluses. Did you know that hands can be totally smooth?

Anyway. Tommy says that he’ll try and reach out across the contacts he has. Joel has her living right down the hall from me in the meantime, so now I have to share my bathroom. Hopefully the Terranovan authorities are good at finding people. She takes so fucking long to shower. It’s a wonder the whole compound still has hot water.

[One page of drawings follows: Dina smiling in the snow on her horse, Joel playing his guitar]

January 25th, 2038

Maria says that they’re thinking about breeding Shimmer soon. I know she told me because that means I’ll need to ride another horse for a little until she recovers and I know that we need another generation of foals, but it still made me cringe for Shimmer’s sake. She’s too free-spirited to be a mother. She doesn’t deserve that.

I went stargazing last night. It was pretty. Lots of shooting stars. I ran into the girl while I was coming back from the meadow. She gave me a weird look, and I could tell she wanted to ask me where I’d been but kept her mouth shut. Sometimes I regret dropping off that bag of clothes. I really fucking liked that gray sweatshirt, actually. I’m not even joking. It looks weird to see it on someone else.

[Half a page of drawing follows of the night sky with labeled constellations]

February 5th, 2038

Long time no see. I’ve been pretty busy with patrols and helping Maria with securing the walls. Joel made me try some of that coffee that our new house guest brought. It was just as awful as I remembered, but he seemed happy. So one point for the space girl. I guess.

Dina’s been hanging around more. She just broke up with Jessie (yes, again). She swears that it’s for good this time, but I’m not so sure. She also talks a lot about Y/N and what little detail she’s gathered about her life back in Terranova. I thought teasing her by asking her if she had a crush on Y/N would make her talk less about it, but it just made things worse.

I miss when things were normal.

[One page of drawings follows: one of Shimmer in cross-ties, another of a girl’s face, half-finished with the face scribbled out]

February 12th, 2038

Today I’m sad. I’m in bed with that book about astronomy that Joel nabbed for me on patrol a while ago and there’s a section I wanted to read that’s completely waterlogged. It shouldn't be a surprise. It’s decades old and has survived through an apocalypse. Normally things like this don’t bug me much because I’m so used to it. Half of my Savage Starlight collection is damaged. I don’t think I’ll ever find the first book to actually complete the series, and that’s okay, because I’ve never expected anything more. But now that I know that there’s a world out there where I’d never have problems like this, stuff like this hurts. It’s so stupid. I’m lucky to be alive. Compared to what’s left of the world population, I live a much cushier life than most. But for the first time in a while, I’m wishing for more.

“Greed is the enemy of happiness” is what Maria would say if I ever said this kind of shit out loud. But is it really? Or is it just realizing what life can be?

[Half a page of a drawing of the solar system, with each planet labeled]

February 22nd, 2038

Maria let me pick the sire for Shimmer’s foal. It felt kind of gross, to be honest. I asked Maria if there was any way for Shimmer to choose and I was only sort of joking, but she just laughed anyway and patted my back. I won’t have to worry about finding a new horse for another two seasons or so, she told me. It’ll be weird not having her for a little.

She also told me that there was still no word from anyone who knew anything about Terranova. She said this to me in this placating voice, like she thought that I was going to punch a hole in the wall or something after hearing it. That seems to be common when it comes to people talking about Y/N and me. I don’t know why so many people think I don’t like her staying with us.

I don’t, by the way. Let me be clear. But I mostly feel indifferent about her now. She doesn’t bother me as much anymore, not since she started getting out of the house. I think she might be helping in the gardens, but I’ve never actually asked. We don’t talk a whole ton. I don’t think she likes me all that much.

[A drawing of Shimmer’s head poking over her stall door that takes up one page]

March 2nd, 2038

Today was finally our first nice day of the year. I would’ve enjoyed it more if the bird that lives in the tree outside my window hadn’t blown me out of bed at 4 in the fucking morning. I’m exhausted now. It’s been a long day. Joel says I need to take Y/N out on patrol soon. Why, I have no idea. Maybe he just wants me to actually befriend her or something, and I do nothing but patrols now. He can’t possibly expect her to be a good patrol partner.

Thankfully, I checked the logs when I came back. The route he wants me to cover with her has been the quietest all season. I doubt we’ll run into anything. If we do, I’ll probably be able to handle it. Hopefully.

[Half a page of doodles, mostly of nature and wildlife with the exception of a half-finished doodle of an arm clad in a fabric that drapes like silk and a hand with polished nails]

March 3rd, 2038

Many surprising things were learned today. I can’t believe it’s illegal to be gay in Terranova. Sorry. I shouldn’t laugh. It’s just—out of all the things they could be bothered by, it’s that? Really?

March 12th, 2038

I haven’t been good at journaling recently. I don’t really want to talk about why. You know why.

[Six pages of drawings, with many unfinished doodles of Y/N—including but not limited to her on her horse, her reading on the couch, and one with her sitting in what is a very loose interpretation of a classroom, taking notes]

March 13th, 2038

I will feel more normal tomorrow. Hopefully.

[Two pages of drawings, all of Y/N. One is her bent over a book, the other is her smiling up at you]

March 14th, 2038

I did something really stupid. I think I should probably just document this here so I don’t accidentally drunkenly spill it all out to Dina at the next bonfire. This is so embarrassing. I don’t get why I feel this way. It’s so stupid, you know? To feel anything towards someone who’s so…I don’t know. Different.

She gives me the weirdest looks sometimes. I can’t tell what they mean. It feels like she’s judging me. And why wouldn’t she be? I bet all the girls she spends her time around back home are just like her—perfect, orderly, pretty, proper. The day before I took her patrolling she gawked at the shorts I was wearing. It was borderline offensive. Actually, fuck that. It wasn’t borderline. It was offensive. You don’t just stare at people like that. She should know that.

Anyway, I invited her over to my room last night. Normal, right? Because we’ve been doing that a little since I took her on patrol, by the way. I’m not sure if I mentioned that before. But this time I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m…I don’t know. Creepy? Strange? Scary? She told me that she thought I was intimidating. And then I called her “untouched”, like how some old-timer devout Christian wackjob or whatever would describe virginity. It was so fucking weird of me. I don’t know what got into me, but she kept doing this thing where she kicked my foot with hers or touched my knee and it just threw me off. It took me forever to fall asleep last night—I kept replaying what I’d said to her, especially how I’d told her that she wouldn’t have made it if she were me like I was some sort of hardcore survivalist. I think I embarrassed her. I’m never doing anything like this again. I’m going to be dead sober every time I see her from now on.

I’ll stop talking about that. Y/N did come back after I’d made a fool of myself and showed me her collection of movies, so maybe it wasn’t so bad. I haven’t watched any movies since I was with Cat. When we first started dating, I’d invite her over and she’d sit right where Y/N did last night. I’m trying to not think of the implications, because it’s space girl, and she’s going home sometime soon.

[Three pages of drawings follow—some nature drawings of ferns and moths, others of Y/N with wet hair, her knees tucked up to her chin like she’d been in Ellie’s bed that night]

March 19th, 2038

It’s the Spring Equinox. That’s the first thing Y/N told me this morning when she saw me in the kitchen this morning. She gave me a mini lecture on what that meant for the planet’s axis tilt and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I already knew, since she seemed really excited to tell me.

I made a horrible discovery yesterday, by the way. Maria came up to me and told me that Tommy had decided to reach out to some of his other buddies up North to see if they had any connections to Terranova, and for the first time, I felt myself hoping that it wouldn’t work.

It’s awful. I shouldn’t be thinking like this. Even in Jackson, where things are comparatively much better than the rest of the world, there’s risk. Just this winter, one family had to be kicked out when they were found hiding an infected son. No one here is completely safe, just safer. I shouldn’t be selfish. Y/N needs to go where she’s meant to be, where there’s no chance of infection or invasion. I’ll be fine. I just need to get over whatever this is.

Speaking of her, I need to go get her to tell her that we’re heading out on patrol in just a few minutes. Fingers crossed she doesn’t accidentally shoot me, but Joel swore up and down that she knows how to handle a gun now. Sure. Haha.

I’m back. It’s the middle of the night and she only just left my room. I don’t know how much detail I need to go into—chances are I won’t forget this. But for bookkeeping purposes: patrol did not go so hot. I had to give her stitches without any local anesthesia. I’ve never given stitches to anyone nearly in my lap before. I was really nervous, too. I don’t think I’ve ever had to focus so much on keeping my hands steady when it came to stitching someone up before, not even with Joel.

I’m starting to think that maybe I was wrong about thinking that she didn’t like me. I still can’t tell exactly what she thinks of me, and I know that it’s a really bad fucking idea to be entertaining thoughts like these, but tonight she did something that made me reconsider. She got under the covers with me, and instead of moving away to keep us from touching, she rested her head next to mine on the pillow.

I hope she couldn’t hear how much my heart was racing. People can’t hear that kind of stuff, right? Even if they’re close?

I’m being ridiculous. There’s no way she—No. She doesn’t see me like that.

March 21st, 2038

She rested her head on my shoulder today. I don’t know what to think of it. If she was normal and grew up like the rest of us did, I would know exactly what to think. But she’s not normal, and it’s not fair of me to treat her like she is. Maybe this is, like, a culturally acceptable thing back from where she grew up. Maybe rich people just cuddle each other all the time. I wouldn’t fucking know, and unfortunately no one in this godforsaken town can help, because there’s a distinct lack of what Maria calls the “bourgeoisie”. They’re all either dead or back where Y/N grew up, doing whatever rich snobs do.

Even if it is normal for her, I feel like I can’t stop analyzing everything she does. She seems more nervous around me than she does anyone else, but she lingers like she can’t help herself. I’ve noticed that she stumbles over her words and touches me much more than is really necessary. Or at least I think she does—maybe I’m just imagining things.

But even if it means what I think it does, I can’t let myself think like this. It’s not fair to her. No one deserves to live here if they have the choice. At least the people out here know how to handle it. She doesn’t, and I don’t want her to turn into the type of person who does.

When I stitched her up and teased her about being weak and sensitive, I think she thought I was insulting her. I try not to think about it, but if I let myself wallow too much, I’ll wonder what kind of person I’d be if I wasn’t so jaded. Maybe I’d draw more, or read more, or write more. Maybe I’d be an easier person to love. I didn’t get to choose how I turned out. It just happened to me.

So if she has the choice, I’m going to do everything I can to help her make the right one. I don’t want her to be like this.

March 29th, 2038

I had a dream about Riley last night. I haven’t had one of those in years, not since I was traveling with Joel. We were back in the mall, and Riley had just turned the lights on as a surprise. I had this feeling then, like I was being given a second chance. That I could set things straight and do what was right. I woke up before I could insist that we leave.

[A drawing takes up half of the next page. It’s a crude depiction of the mall Riley turned in.]

April 4th, 2038

It’s the middle of the night again. I can’t sleep. I’m so disappointed with myself about what I did tonight with Y/N. At the time, it seemed like a really good idea. She likes me back, apparently. I was right about everything that I wrote about earlier, I guess. But it certainly doesn’t feel like I thought it would.

It’s not like there’s no part of me that isn’t thrilled that she feels the same way. That’s why I gave in and slept with her. But even when she told me how she felt, even before I completely lost my self-control, something heavy was already hanging over me. Regret, maybe. Or guilt. I don’t know. What I do know is that this can’t last. I can’t make this good for her like I want to. She needs to go back, and she needs to be able to feel like she can make that choice without feeling like she’s leaving anything good behind.

I’m not a spiritual person. but even so, I can’t help but feel like that dream of Riley was a sign. This is my second chance. I’m not going to fuck it up this time. I’ve already been an accomplice of so much suffering. Y/N is going home, and I’ll never see her again when she does. That’s that.

It took all I had left in me in the end to kick her out. She looked so hurt, and the fact that she tried to hide it made it even worse. I wish I could tell her why this can’t work, but I don’t think she’d understand.

[A drawing of Y/N kissing Ellie’s palm follows, her hair slightly mussed]

April 6th, 2038

I need to stop making rash decisions like knocking on her door late at night and asking her to come over. I really don’t know what’s gotten into me, because whenever I see her now, I can’t help but freeze up. Like last night, when she kissed me and touched my face and told me she thought I was a good person. I panicked and told her—well, nevermind. I don’t really want to repeat it here. It was mean, but I didn’t know what else I could do to get her to stop.

She was already tearing up by the time she left. I had to sit down and breathe deeply for a few minutes before I was sure I wasn’t going to be sick. I don’t really think I want to write more about this right now. It just makes me sad how unfair this all is. Of course the one time after Cat that I meet someone I really like it just has to be in one of the cruelest scenarios possible. I just have no idea what to do.

[Five pages of drawings follow of Y/N in bed, her head tilted back against the pillow, her eye’s half lidded, and her mouth slightly agape. Ellie redraws this multiple times, x-ing out parts that don’t seem quite right]

April 10th, 2038

I know this is none of my business, but she’s been spending a lot of time with Dina lately. She nearly got herself killed getting a gift for me with Dina yesterday, which feels like some sort of especially cruel joke. The universe isn’t being very fucking subtle right now.

If what I’m worried about is right, at least Dina has the option to come with her up North. She’d test negative.

April 20th, 2038

I would really like it if I could have one short break from the misery that’s my life right now. I turned 20 yesterday, accidentally introduced Y/N to my ex, proceeded to get much drunker than I meant to, completely fell off my rocker and asked Y/N to stay the night, and then discovered this morning that not only has Terranova found Y/N but that my strategy of keeping Y/N at arm’s length completely failed.

She wants me to come with her, and she’s threatening to stay here otherwise. I did the only thing that I could think to do and snapped at her.

I’m so tired of this. I hate having to act like I don’t care. This is the third time now that I’ve had to say something nasty to her to keep her from getting too close. I just want to get in bed and sleep until she leaves and I can pretend like nothing ever happened and that everything is normal.

[One page of drawings of Y/N passed out in her bed and Y/N grinning while holding a lopsided cake]

April 28th, 2038

I know I haven’t been writing much again. Sorry about that. I just can’t bear to think about my life right now. I know I should be relieved—this is what I wanted. I wanted her to go where it’s best for her.

But there’s still that selfish part of me that keeps me up at night. Y/N is going to leave this place never knowing how I feel about her. Logically, that should be what I want. This way I won’t need to say a real goodbye. I know I won’t need to now, since she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. It’s really fucking immature of me to be so hurt by what she must think of me now, but I can’t stop.

I wonder how long it will take for me to stop feeling sad about this. I’ve never had to process anything like this where there’s nothing I can do. With Riley and Sam, I at least got to heal from the knowledge that I was going to help make the vaccine to save the world. But losing Y/N just because of where we come from is totally meaningless. I can go forward knowing that I made it easy for her to make the right decision, but that only goes so far.

I don’t know how I’m going to handle this. I’m going to practically live with Dina so I don’t need to be alone for the first few weeks.

I wish May 8th would just come already so she can go away and I can get on with my life.

May 1st, 2038

Things have changed some. Joel cornered me in the kitchen last night and told me that I needed to grow up and just appreciate the rest of the time I had left with Y/N. I was going to agree and try to walk past him, but he stopped me and told me that he needed me to escort Y/N. I guess he’s right. She can’t go alone, and Joel and Tommy are getting a little too old for week-long expeditions into the wilderness.

He also told me that I need to apologize to her and make things right, saying shit like I’d regret it forever if things ended between us like this. I don’t want to admit it, but I think he’s right. When I told him that she’d originally threatened to stay if I didn’t go with her, he blinked, hard. Then he told me that he had an idea.

I’m faking it. I’m telling her that I’m going, even though I’m going to leave her when she gets picked up. I don’t know how I’m going to pull it off. When I told her in the meadow last night, she was so happy. I know it’s really sappy and cliche to say this, but I felt my heart shatter, bit by bit. I’m not a very good liar, not to people who are important to me. But I suppose I’ve been lying to her all this time, kicking her out of my room and telling her that I didn’t want anything more with her.

I can do this, I think. I have to do this, or else she might threaten to stay, and I don’t think I have it in me to be cruel again. Not to her. I guess I’ll just trick myself into feeling like I’m actually coming with her, like we have a chance of actually being together. I don’t know. We’ll see.

[One drawing of Y/N laying down in the meadow that takes up half a page]

May 3rd, 2038

It’s easier than I expected. Y/N sleeps over in my room at night, and if I don’t think too hard about it, I can pretend like things will always be like this.

I’m getting to be such a sap, though. I almost broke down in the bathroom today while I was getting ready. It was over the stupidest thing—a toothpaste bottle. Y/N always folds it so neatly, making a perfect, tight spiral of plastic near the end. It used to really bother me when I first had to share with her (because who does that—it’s weird and doesn’t do anything since she doesn’t manage to squeeze out the extra in the bottom anyways), but the thought of throwing it out when it finally emptied and having to find another one that’ll never be folded again hit me and suddenly I was counting my inhales and exhales. I don’t really give a shit about toothpaste. It’s just that it was the moment that I realized that she’s really going to be gone soon, you know? Slowly but surely, the evidence of her stay here will be wiped away and replaced. Someday I’ll forget all the little details about her.

She’s knocking on my door. I need to stop being so depressed and go see her before she picks up that something’s wrong.

[One small doodle of Y/N smiling and rolling her eyes while brushing her teeth]

May 6th, 2038

Dina’s coming now. Y/N told me this morning after she went to say goodbye. I feel really shitty about this. I guess I should tell her that I’m not going now, because this way Y/N needs to go home to get Dina the help she needs, but I just can’t bring myself to. I’ll have to escort both of them to the pickup spot anyway since Dina’s weaker now that she’s pregnant, and the thought of having to spend a full week with Y/N after she knew I lied to her makes my skin crawl. I can’t tell who I’m trying to protect by doing this—me or her. Maybe both.

I’m losing my two favorite people here, and they don’t even know it yet. But this is the best option. This is my chance to finally do some good in the world.

May 7th, 2038

I’m about to go stargazing with Y/N for the last time. I don’t think I’ll be writing in here again until I get back. I don’t want to risk losing this while I’m out in case something crazy happens. Which it probably will, but I canonically happen to be really good at living when shit hits the fan. Also—I don’t imagine Y/N to be a particularly nosy person, but if she ever came across this and thought it was a book or something, it would make things really awkward. So, you’re staying tucked carefully under my bed until I come back later this month.

I don’t know how to handle this sort of goodbye. I don’t really know how to handle any sort of goodbye, I guess, but at least I’ve been through them before. I may not do it well, but I know how to live when people I love die. But this isn’t like that. No one is dying (hopefully), and more importantly, I know it’s a goodbye this time. I see it coming on the horizon and I can’t even tell anyone about it. How does anyone deal with that? How does anyone cope?

Y/N’s knocking on my door now. I need to go before I start thinking even more and do something stupid like start crying or whatever.

I’ll be back in about two weeks.

June 1st, 2038

Sorry for not writing. It’s been pretty shitty, actually. It took me 5 extra days to get home because some scavengers gave me trouble. I hardly slept for most of them. I ran out of ammo about 4 days out and had to use my knife for everything I ran into until I was able to raid the cabinets of this abandoned cabin. Nearly got taken out by a clicker, too. It was not fun. It was especially not fun because I was not feeling super great to begin with, for obvious reasons.

Things haven’t gotten any better since getting back to Jackson. Y/N didn’t take her stupid Exoplanetary Systems textbook and now I’m struggling with whether or not I should throw it out. The rational side of me says to keep it because it was published after the outbreak and probably contains updated information that isn’t anywhere else. The rest of me doesn’t even want to look at the stars anymore because it reminds me of her.

It’s really hard not to blame her for ruining everything. I can’t go out and ride my own horse without thinking about the first time we went on patrol together and she dropped my gun and nearly killed one of us. And I can’t even relax in my own home, because I’ve spent almost every night with her since March in my bed. Sometimes when I hear a creak in the middle of the night I assume it’s her walking down to the bathroom or getting water until it hits me again that she’s never coming back.

I know I’m being melodramatic. There are many other worse problems I could be having right now. But I don’t even have my best friend anymore. I wonder if Dina and Y/N are angry with me for lying. I wonder if they’re settling in okay. I hope that Y/N manages to fix whatever her research was and that Dina gets better.

[Twenty pages of drawings of Y/N and Dina together. Some are snippets of them on their expedition to the pickup site. Others are pictures of Y/N and Dina walking around with smiles on their faces in what looks to be a city]

June 21st, 2038

It’s been over a month since I’ve last seen her. I had a breakdown while getting ready for bed when I realized that I didn’t remember what her voice sounded like anymore.

[Ten pages of half-finished drawings, each with its face scribbled over]

June 28th, 2038

I don’t think I really remember what she looks like—not exactly. I’ve been trying to draw her because I’m still in the habit of making decisions that are definitely not good for my mental state. I just can’t do it, and it isn’t for the lack of trying. Every time I get to her eyes I keep drawing something that looks wrong, but I can never tell why. I compare it to my earlier drawings of her from when we first met and it feels like meeting her for the first time again.

Joel says it’ll pass and that he’s proud of me for doing the right thing. Jessie and I have been hanging out more. Even if he won’t admit it, I can tell he’s miserable without Dina. But he understands why she had to go—just like how I feel about Y/N. And Dina too, of course. Jackson feels like a ghost town without her.

July 17th, 2038

I haven’t been writing or drawing in here for a while, I know. I was going to just go ahead and start a new journal—you know the one that Maria gave me for Christmas with the dark blue cover—but it didn’t feel right to just stop without explaining. Otherwise I’ll feel like an asshole for wasting so much paper.

I don’t want to move on from what happened with Y/N and Dina. I really don’t, but I don't think I have a choice. If I keep going on like this, I’ll never be able to live normally again. I’m just sick and tired of being sad all of the time. So I’m not going to write here anymore. I don’t think it’s realistic for me to forget all about it, because I don’t want to forget her. Not really. But I guess if I want to get better, I’ll need something different. So, here’s that. The beginning of my fresh start. “Fresh start” and you call me overdramatic!! haha. Y/N was here!

(You left this on your nightstand. I promise I didn’t read too much. I opened it because I thought it was your sketchbook. I’m going to put this back since I hear you walking down the hall now.)

ok as an aside my blog is broken so my stuff isn’t notifying people when i tag/showing up on dashes or in tags. please reblog if you’re comfortable so people can actually find this! thank you!

final a/n: i totally get it if this wasn’t quite your cup of tea this time—i just really wanted to iron out ellie’s pov before their reunion in the end. which is happening and not a spoiler because i have always promised a hea! this was a change in pace for the story and i promise you that the next chapter will be more normal/align more with my normal writing style. i have also changed my mind (probably) and have decided to stick with writing an epilogue! so two more chapters are coming before this is totally over. thank you so much for waiting and being so patient! i love you all dearly ok bye bye now

#ellie williams x reader #exoplanet #not adding tags because i’ll eventually repost #this is just for people who want to read!

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ellabism · 4 months

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ellies a brat with abby and the game speaks for itself

oh ellie is for sure a brat. even in general she has always been a brat.

funny enough, when i was first into the games and still had the ideology that ellie was a strong, confident top. it was actually my friend who wasn't in the fandom like that introduce me to the idea that ellie was a brat and not a top. i didn't believe her at first but when you go back to the weed den scene you can see her bratty vibes.

"can i ask you a question?"

"i dont know can you?"

or all the times she pops her hip and crosses her arms, in joel's house when talking to maria, her hip pop at the theater talking to dina, or in the theater she pops her hip walking to tommy and jesse.

her rolling her eyes when talking to maria and putting her hand up to sassily to get maria to stop pressuring her about her and joel.

but even with abby, she was so quick to fold and allow abby to dominate her. in the theater when abby comes up shes so quick to do everything abby asks of her, and almost cowers in abby's confident, dominating presence.

i can see how people still believe ellie is a top, i had the same thoughts too. but when you really think about it, she doesn't give off dominating traits. even when dina so obviously liked her back, ellie didn't do anything to make any moves. she stayed to herself in her own little dorky crush fantasy. even after they kissed at the party, ellie still didn't believe dina liked her and still kept to herself. dina initiated all the flirting and took lead in a lot of it, basically making ellie a nervous blushing and shy mess their entire patrol. and even at the weed den, dina had to take lead, asking her about the kiss. and even then, ellie was still shy and second guessing everything, not really open to talk about how the kiss made her feel. dina, once again, had to initate a kiss and make the first move for everything, while ellie followed in her steps.

ellie may seem very dominating in the sense that when she's mercilessly on a killing spree in seattle/santa barbara, but in her relationships she's the exact opposite.

so yeah, ellies a brat. a big brat. but who is someone that can control it? abby fucking anderson.

#ellabs #ellie williams #abby anderson #the last of us #the last of us 2 #abby x ellie #ellie x abby #anon ask #silly headcanons

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katsheadinclouds · 8 months

Text

chapter 7

Joel Miller x gn!/f! reader

series masterlist - chapter 6

summary: The annual end of summer celebration in Jackson brings people together, you and Joel included.

rating: mature

chapter warnings: slight angst, insecurities, mentions of eating and drinking alcohol, mainly fluff, autumn vibes, no use of y/n

word count: 8.8k

divider by cafekitsune

4 months later

“Do you want anything?” Ellie asks from her group of friends, Kit, Juno, Robbie, Jesse and Dina, as she stands up from their blanket on the ground. They all want more snacks so she goes to get them, while cradling her own mug in her hand.

It was funny walking to the town center with Joel carrying their mugs. Apparently last year too many glasses from the dining hall were broken so this year people had to bring their own glasses or mugs if they wanted to drink something, like the apple cider that had been made from the apples that had fallen from the trees that Ellie had fallen in love with in the past two hours.

The smell of apples is everywhere. As is hay and various other crops that are now cooked for the huge end of summer cookout. The whole town is here, celebrating the warm months coming to an end and giving room for the rain and colder days.

Ellie’s tan is still fresh on her skin, her freckles even darker than before. She makes her way slowly through the crowd, people saying hello to her and asking if she has had the roasted pumpkin or if she has tried the cauliflower salad. She tells them no but recommends the marinated carrots in return. She stands at the end of the long line waiting to be served their drinks and to get snacks.

A few of the horses are out for the smaller kids to pet and try sitting on them with their parents or guardians keeping a hold of their other leg to prevent them from falling off the animal. Ellie is going to go horseback riding again tomorrow, as her patrol training is slowly looming in the horizon and becoming reality. She won’t be able to start her training properly until next year when she finishes school, but it’s good for her to have some of the basic skills already when she’s going to need it eventually anyway.

There’s a child who seems nervous about the huge animal, but still holds his hand out for the horse to nuzzle against. He smiles and gets braver, when he notices how gentle the horse is and the softness of its warm skin against the child’s hand.

The sound in the town square is deafening from all the laughter and talking, a band playing music for people to enjoy and maybe even dance to already even though most of the people won’t hit the makeshift dancefloor until later when the sun has gone down, the atmospheric hanging lights have been turned on and people have downed more alcohol. A group of kids run chasing each other, laughing the whole time. They pass the picnic table where Joel, Tommy and Maria are sitting, almost five-month-old baby Matilda in Tommy’s arms. Ellie likes to call her Tilda because it makes the baby smile when Ellie is slowly bouncing her in her embrace and chanting “Til-da” over and over again.

She sees how Joel looks at her, that warm glint in his eyes and dimpled smile on his face. Matilda is holding his finger from his outstretched hand, looking at him with wonder in her huge brown eyes. Tommy is swaying her slowly as he talks about something with Maria, but Joel has completely checked out, his attention on the baby and the way she’s looking at everything around her.

Ellie never saw that look on his face before Matilda was born. There’s a smile that’s reserved only for Ellie and then there’s a smile that he only gives to Tilda. Like he’s years away, remembering something, yet still here, hardened, and soft at the same time. The baby has cracked something open in him, she can see it, but she can’t pinpoint what. She’d had to have known him before people got sick with cordyceps to really understand him and the look he’s giving the baby.

She turns away and swallows hard. Of course she knows he looks like that because Matilda reminds him of his daughter. His real daughter. Ellie will never know her or know what Joel was like with her, but the way he’s enraptured by Matilda, she can imagine the baby bringing up a lot of memories and his fatherly side.

She feels the jealousy gnawing in her mind even though she’s trying to push the crawling tentacles of envy away. No reason to be jealous, she tells herself. They’ve already established that Ellie is like an adopted daughter to him even though there are times when it’s painfully clear she’ll never be like a real daughter to him. Or at least that’s something she believes. He talks about Sarah sometimes and every time Ellie feels like she’s being compared to someone who she’ll never compare to. Not in Joel’s eyes at least, Ellie knows it.

She looks at Matilda again, the smile on her face and how Joel swings their hands in the air gently. Her thoughts sour in her mind. Tilda is going to grow up in this world and she’ll lose that pure innocence at some point. If there could just be a cure, a vaccine that would let her be a child as long as she likes and grow up without having to worry if she’s going to lose someone in her life like Ellie has.

“You’d never lie to me, right?”

“No.”

“More marinated carrots?” John asks behind the food tables. Ellie is shaken from her thoughts and she nods and smirks when he scoops up a plateful of the crispy, salty and sweet smelling, garlicky treats.

“Do you also want more…” Ellie is already handing her mug to John before he can finish the sentence.

“Wait,” he checks something under the table, lifting the table cloth, and shakes his head as he gives her an apologetic smile. “I have to get a new container out, just a moment,” he points his thumb behind his back, somewhere towards the closed off backroom.

Ellie turns back towards the party, taking a carrot and popping it into her mouth. She nods her head to the music the first band is playing, seeing some of the members from the second band sitting by a table enjoying their food and drinks. She heard them practice some of the songs they’re going to play tonight for the real celebration. She can’t wait to see what the party is going to be like later when all the kids have gone home and the adults are let loose. She taps her foot against the floor, humming silently to the song that drifts over the joyous cacophony of people having fun.

Until a familiar face stops her completely.

She hasn’t seen you since that one time in passing. It’s been just a bit over six months since you were picked up from her garage. She assumed you were doing better, at least you didn’t seem to be in such distress like all those months ago when she last saw you.

She also knows Joel hasn’t seen you or heard from you. Now that she thinks about it, it’s a miracle she hasn’t ran into you anywhere or even heard of you around town. You’ve been sheltering at Diana and Brenda’s but it seems like you’re ready to step back into the life of Jackson.

After what went down at her garage, she heard that Diana had ripped the town doctor, Joshua, a new one after you moved in with her and her wife. After that some of the people in Jackson had turned to Diana instead of Joshua. Ellie can’t blame them though. She has heard enough stories from her friends about how Joshua is more adept at tending to people’s physical than mental injuries.

She can’t help but stare at you. And you haven’t seen her. You’re clearly uncomfortable in the big crowd, shifting your weight first to your left foot, then to the right, and back to left. Your eyes scan the crowd and your head turns from side to side when different sounds catch your attention.

Ellie can see that you’ve changed since last spring as well. You hold your chin high, you stand tall, there’s curiosity in your eyes. Even through your nervousness there’s a delighted look on your face and you say something here and there. You’re with Diana, Brenda, Dan and Sasha, listening to their fast-paced conversation.

You take a sip from your cider cup, cradling it in your hands, drawing a slow circle against the surface with your fingertips. The flannel you’re wearing looks comfortable and the jeans look new, the denim still crisp and there’s minimal wear to them. They have to be from Sleeve and Stitch, the clothing and sewing room, that’s down the street.

They manage to make clothes look new with the way they patch them up and repair them. Then Ellie realises it. You’re not taking in your surroundings just because you’re curious about what’s happening around you or to see who has come out to celebrate tonight, no. You stop moving when you see what you’ve been searching for.

You step a little closer to the small circle of people around you, hiding behind Dan’s tall figure. You dip your chin down but keep your eyes towards the same picnic table where Maria, Tommy, Joel and baby Matilda are sitting. But now Tilda isn’t in Tommy’s arms anymore, she’s in Joel’s lap, his arms protectively around her middle. He’s talking into her ear, pointing at something on his mug. His owl mug.

Ellie looks at you and then at Joel, going back and forth until she’s completely sure you’re staring at him. There’s a sparkle of a smile on your lips, making your eyes glint in the orange sunlight. When Tilda starts to giggle at something, making Joel chuckle against the child, you bow your head down. Ellie can see faint crinkles next to your eyes as you grin at the ground.

“Here you go,” John startles Ellie, making her twist towards the man who has her full cider cup in his hand.

“Thanks,” she takes her mug and the carrots and starts her way back to her friends. But she can’t help but take one more look at you. As she moves away, she sees you staring at Joel again behind Dan’s shoulder, a melancholic look in your eyes.

“I think you can do better than that,” Maria snickers, cocks her brows at him and it’s a clear invitation for a challenge. He takes her hand firmer into his and pulls her closer. Her other hand rests on his shoulder as he sways her to the rhythm of the music.

There are people playing guitars and one playing the banjo, and two singers are harmonising their singing. The sound of a harmonica cuts in from time to time, making the music sound even more western than it already was. Maria is grinning the whole time as Joel gives his best. It’s been a while since he has danced, let alone danced with someone. As he twirls her around and then closes her against his chest before dipping her back, she’s laughing with her eyes closed.

Tommy left with Matilda a while ago, giving his wife a night without baby duties. He might’ve made a mistake as the strong alcohol has been brought out and all the patrollers are letting loose. The hanging lights above the street twinkle as the evening darkens and turns chillier. There’s laughter and people sing along, dancing in couples or small groups.

He checks on Ellie from time to time, making sure she’s still securely sitting with her friends by one of the hay piles, only drinking the apple cider from earlier and nothing more potent. Her cheeks are pink and her smile hasn’t left her face the whole day. She’s leaning against Jesse’s shoulder, Dina’s head on her lap as they all sway to the music while talking and basking in the glow of the party.

“I knew you had it in you,” Maria pats him on the shoulder. He shakes his head but deep down he’s pleased with himself.

“Want a drink?” His accent is coming through thicker now after having spent so much time with Tommy and especially after having a couple of drinks in him. Maria gives him her mug and asks him to fill it up, he’s going to be walking her home anyway.

He nods his head and gets to the makeshift outside bar, asking the woman behind the counter to fill the mugs with their fall mix. He knows it has apple in it, of course, but it’s also warm, a little smokey and a little sweet, like it has been aged for a few years.

He leans his elbows against the counter and looks out towards the street filled with people unleashing their dance skills and letting their hair down. Some of his patrol partners wave at him and he nods back at them, a lazy smirk on his face as he relishes in the cheery atmosphere and peaceful thrum of his content thoughts on this golden night. All the pieces that seemed to be in a messy pile in his head have clicked into place, making him worry less and enjoy living a bit more.

There’s that ache of sorrow in him, it never leaves, but it’s not pulling him down all the time. He’s made friends with his memories, his ghosts, his grief. He’ll always carry them with him, but he lets himself live again as well.

He breathes and his lungs fill without feeling like they’re going to explode. He hears laughter around him, not just cries of pain or agony. He sees people living their lives, realising that’s what he’s here to do as well even when sometimes he feels like his life stopped a long time ago. But still he pushes through, welcoming the small wonders and joys of life back into his heart.

And he sleeps, oh he sleeps through most of the night. Sometimes his nightmares come to the surface, remind him of all his failures and violence, but he knows how to calm himself now. He’s actually living for the first time since the outbreak.

Who could’ve known that would happen in the time of cordyceps when there’s that daily reminder that everything outside this town is nothing like it used to be. He’s letting himself rest tonight, lets himself enjoy the celebration and take in the soft feeling of joy. Moments like these remind him that there can still be something good out there, some fun to be had.

“Here ya go, Joel,” the woman tells him and he turns to take the mugs with him. He stops dead in his tracks, his eyes landing on you. Smiling, swaying to the music, talking with Brenda.

Your eyes glint in the warm twinkling lights, your hand protectively around your ribs. You sip something from your mug and close your eyes as you swallow. You tap your fingers against the mug and when Diana appears out of nowhere, taking part in the conversation as well, he sees you mouthing the words to the song that the band is playing. He didn’t even notice before that he too remembers the song, even some of the lyrics.

He remembers they listened to it in the car with Sarah many times during their drives and Sarah always sang along a few words here and there, humming the rest. He can’t hear you from this distance. Instinctively he steps closer, only to be met with the bar counter.

He feels a hand on his elbow and when he turns to look, Maria is standing next to him. She has also seen you.

“They’re going to start working at the stables again next week,” she nods at you and then shifts her eyes to Joel, a gentle expression on her face.

“If you’d like to go and say hello,” she nudges her elbow against him before she takes her mug.

“C’mon, lets drink these and then I want you to show me some of your other dance moves,” Maria takes a step towards the swaying and shimmying people, encouraging him to disappear into the crowd. He gives you one last look, noticing how you duck your head down, twisting away just the slightest.

He fills his mouth with the alcohol and lets the warmth spread through his throat as he swallows it in one go. He senses Ellie’s eyes on him. When he looks at her and her little group of friends, Ellie lifts her brows questioningly at him, before her eyes dart towards you. Joel shakes his head, motions his head towards Maria and leaves the bar. He follows his sister-in-law into the mass of people, his heart stuttering on its roots.

“Does Joel have the hots for them?” Dina asks Ellie, who has just pointed out how you both were staring at each other, managing to avoid being caught by the other.

“How the fuck should I know,” Ellie shakes her head, her voice dismissive with an edge of humor. Her friends chuckle, Jesse changing the subject to talk about his dad, who had tried to show him some dance moves from the time before.

Apparently they had gone to some places called clubs where they had danced until the early morning hours, doing different moves that have ridiculous names like the sprinkler or the running man. It didn’t make any sense. Did people just run around these clubs?

Ellie listens to her friends but smiles to herself, their voices drowning out as she keeps an eye on what’s happening outside her group. She sees you locate Joel again, who’s taken Maria on the dance floor once more. Ellie has never seen him dance, let alone move like this, twirling her around and letting the music lead them.

And she has never seen him look at someone like the way he looks at you, eyes wide and like someone had taken his breath away. Another new look he gives to people other than Ellie.

He has his friendly side, the one who listens to acquaintances around town and smiles and nods. Then there’s the patrol side, hard and focused, clear, and alert. With Tommy and Maria he’s relaxed, mostly settling into easy silence or slow flowing conversation.

He’s funny and warm with Ellie, with a side of strictness that doesn’t suffocate her or force her to do as he tells her. Just advice here or there, looking after her and making sure she’s safe. She sighs with the sadness tugging in her chest, how she wishes he could just be honest with her. With Matilda he’s somehow younger and still him, but once again someone new.

You follow his moves, swinging to the music yourself. Your head tilts to the side when you take in the way he’s making Maria twirl or leading her in the middle of the other swaying bodies. Ellie rolls her eyes when she sees him doing something they saw in a movie a few weeks ago.

But you smile and take a sip of your drink, hiding your mouth behind the mug. You try to focus on the conversation around you, but it doesn’t take long until you’re following Joel holding both of Maria’s hands, nudging her to take a step back before he pulls her back to him and spins them in a circle to the upbeat, easy tempo. Diana hugs you to her side and you lean your head against her shoulder. You look happy.

And then Ellie sees it again. The song ends and another one is about to start, when Joel finds you in the crowd, just when you turn your back and weave your way out of the town center with Brenda leading and Diana following the both of you. Ellie can see the gentle wistfulness on his face ways away as he stands still, Maria saying something into his ear. The song starts and he pulls his shoulders back and fixes his brown checkered flannel in the back of his jeans. He takes Maria’s hand and the harmonies envelope them into another dance.

“I’m gonna stay out a bit longer,” Ellie hollers from the door, a hoodie hanging from her arm.

“Isn’t it a bit late already?” Joel questions, glass of water in his hand as he steps out of the kitchen to see her open the door. She doesn’t face him, just shuffles her feet, her hand coming to play with the strings of her hoodie. He takes slow steps towards her, the alcohol draining out of his system after spending so much time outside and the sobering walk home.

“Who are going to be with you?” Tension builds between them and Joel can’t stand the disconnect between him and Ellie. He doesn’t understand it either. Things seem to be fine with them most of the time, and then other times there’s discomfort and awkwardness that he can’t explain. He wasn’t expecting tonight to be one of the nights when she gives him the cold shoulder. She sighs and finally looks up, hardness in her eyes.

“My friends,” she dismisses the question, pure annoyance clear in her voice. “They’re coming to the garage, you can come and check on us if you don’t believe me.” The sharpness in her tone makes his skin prickle. Everything was fine at the party. And now it’s all going downhill. Nothing has changed and everything has changed at the same time and he has no idea how he could mend things between the two of them.

“Okay fine, but take the key, don’t stay up too late and no funny business!” He has to yell the last words when she’s already stepping out the door after the okay leaves his mouth.

He stands still, heaviness settling into his chest. He knows when his anxiety makes itself present and this is once again that moment. He stares at the water in his glass, takes a sip but the coldness makes his throat only tighten. He sets the glass on the kitchen counter and leans against it.

What on earth has gotten to that girl? She spends most of her time with her friends and it seems like the only times he sees her are at Tommy and Maria’s during their weekly dinner or during one of their movie nights, when she seems to be either incredibly invested in the movie or deep in her own thoughts, the movie flowing by her without her knowing what it was about. Or when she gets something to eat from the fridge before she escapes into her garage again.

Sometimes he gets home from town or patrol when she’s doing her homework at the dining room table after school, but she wants those moments to be quiet and he can’t bother her. And then she’s once again out the door or giving herself space by being in the garage. Maybe it’s a teenage thing? He was a teenager once and he wanted his own space, have fun with friends or with his high school sweetheart.

Maybe Ellie has found someone special and he just doesn’t have a clue. Maybe he just needs to make more of an effort into spending time with her, reassure her she can always talk about anything with him even if it’s something embarrassing. The thought about having the talk with her passes his mind. He doesn’t know what kind of sex ed they gave at the FEDRA school she was at and even though she’s already 15, he just wants her to remember to be safe.

He sighs, makes his way into the living room and throws himself on the couch. He covers his eyes with his arm, the heaviness of the alcohol still seeping through, making everything a bit blurry at the edges, a bit numb in his mind. He takes deep breaths and lets his body relax against the worn leather of the seat.

She can trust him. He just needs to show her that.

A soft knock at the door makes him groan. Ellie must’ve forgotten the key again. He really needs to put a spare one under a rock or hide it somewhere outside so she can find it the next time. He stands up, rubbing his hand against his face to get himself a bit more awake.

“I told you to take the key,” he’s already calling out when he trudges to the door and opens it forcefully. He freezes, all words leaving him. His mind goes totally blank, his hand squeezing the door handle. He can’t look anywhere else either.

“Hi,” you say quietly, a neat bundle in your hands. “Sorry, I don’t have the keys, I just… don’t have the keys to your house,” you chuckle at your own joke but your smile drops the longer you look at him. Not a single crack to his exterior, just a statue of a man keeping the door open.

“Sorry I’m here so late, I wasn’t really tired and… Well I remembered I still have your clothes and wanted to bring them over.” Your arms squeeze the bundle a bit tighter against you, hesitation spreading into your thoughts.

Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe you should’ve met him for the first time since spring during the day and somewhere more neutral, not at his home. He shakes his head, blinks his eyes a few times and he inhales his lungs full of the cool night air.

“Come on in,” he moves aside and lets you step in.

The mood is incredibly awkward and neither of you really know what to say. You both stand opposite each other, plenty of space between the two of you as you stand on either side of the hallway. You reach the clothes to him, letting go of them when he secures his hands around the pile.

“You want anything to drink? Water, something stronger?” He asks and you gasp out a laughter.

“Definitely not anything stronger, I’ve drank enough already. Water is fine, thanks.” You feel like you can’t stop the words once they start to flow out, your nerves taking the best of you.

You watch him walk into the kitchen and your stomach tingles with insecurity. You drank way too much tonight. The buzz you still felt when you got home to Diana and Brenda’s was the reason why you dug out Joel’s clothes you’ve been keeping neatly folded in your dresser. You thought it would be a good idea to bring them over when you still had that courage to do so. But when you were walking here, the buzz started to fade and it didn’t seem like the greatest idea anymore.

You feel foolish standing still so you take your shoes off and follow Joel into the kitchen. Nothing has changed since the last time you were here. Yes, the last time… It’s fresh in your memory and at the same time so blurry that you can’t be sure what actually happened. You just know it all went to shit and it’s been a long journey to get from that to here, to how you’re now, to you feeling like a functional human again.

Joel takes a glass and pours it full of cold water from the pitcher in the fridge. He hands it to you and you take it with a smile but your shoulders tense up and you can’t look up. The silence around you stretches into almost uncomfortable quietness.

He stands right in front of you, his back straight, and you can’t dare to face him. You feel your whole body filling with nervous energy as your mind wants to remind you what actually happened the last time you saw him. You try to shut it out, but it’s all there, right in front of you.

It was always so much easier to address what went down when you were making sense of it all to yourself or talking about it with Diana. Now that you’re here with the person, who you’ve wanted to talk for a while now, who you’ve been preparing to talk to, it’s somehow incredibly hard. You fill your lungs with the air and scent of his home and your tongue runs against your lips to wet them. You’re consciously making yourself ready to open your mouth, reminding yourself of what you’ve wanted to say to him all these months.

“Did you have fun tonight, at the party?” Joel asks suddenly, walking past you and his arm brushes against yours. You lift your gaze to face him when his voice fills your ears and lose all composure, when he turns his back to you. You follow him once again, like an invisible string is pulling you to him, making you go wherever he goes.

“Yeah, it was nice. Though, I was really nervous before we got there. I wouldn’t have wanted to go at first, even the thought about being there in the middle of everybody freaked me out. Brenda, you know Diana’s wife, told me that she can leave early with me whenever I want, but luckily when we got there and stayed there a while it wasn’t as bad as I first had made it out to be…” You ramble on, your voice getting quieter the longer words flow out of your mouth.

You feel like you’re losing a battle against your nerves and they’re making sure you feel as ridiculous as you now do after blabbering for a solid moment. You clear your drying throat and tip the glass against your lips, sipping the cold water and letting it soothe you.

Joel stops in the middle of the living room. You keep your distance, cradling the glass between your palms. You’re not sure what’s happening as he just stands still. Should you stay standing or should you maybe take a seat on the couch? Suddenly he turns towards you and you swallow hard when you see his face. He looks different.

Some of the hard lines on his skin have smoothed, even though they’re still there. He looks well rested, his eyes bright and mouth soft. There’s no tension on his face, like the last time you were here. He takes a tentative step towards you, then another, before he passes by you again, avoiding your eyes.

“Wait here,” his rich voice fills your ears, making you shiver. The atmosphere is interesting to say the least and you don’t know what to make of it. The longer you’re here, the more you think about how late it is and how much of a mistake it probably was to come here. You don’t see where he went but you’re alone and you’re trying to calm your jittery thoughts.

You make your way towards the couch, but right when you’re about to sit you take a turn and make your way to the bookshelf. A few of the books are missing, clear gaps between some and the different titles are leaning against each other for support. You see a stack of DVDs on one of the shelves and you look towards the TV. An open, lonely DVD case rests in front of it. Joel and Ellie must’ve watched it together, or at least that’s what you figure out when you remember what you heard Tommy tell Maria in the dining hall, when you sat behind their table one day last week.

You kept your head low. The whole idea of going to the dining hall for lunch was like a challenge you wanted to set for yourself. If you were able to go there to have lunch and sit without having the urge to leave right away, you’d be able to do almost anything. You told yourself to eat calmly while you sat alone by one of the tables. You don’t think they saw you. The hall was calm anyway at that time that day.

You hear Joel’s footsteps in the kitchen and your nervousness soars once more. You move to the couch and sit down but you don’t know what the most natural pose would be. You lean your back against the cushions but you don’t feel comfortable. The glass in your hand trembles and you reach to place it on the coffee table in front of you. You straighten your back and cross your ankles, but you feel too official in that position. You uncross your legs and lean your elbows to your knees, but it’s even more unnatural than the position before.

You hear Joel’s footsteps getting closer to the living room, slow and soft against the wooden floor under his socked feet. You try to sigh as silently as you can but even you can hear how frustrated your breathing sounds flowing through your mouth. Right when Joel appears behind the corner, you stand up and stare at each other for a moment. You look at his hands and see a neatly folded pile of clothes and shoes he’s carrying in his other hand. Your clothes.

He places the shoes on the floor closer to the front door and then closes the distance between you two, sitting on the sofa. You sit down at the same time. He stretches his arm out to you, offering your clothes back and you look at them like they’re some alien object when you finally take them into your hands.

Your fingertips brush against the back of his hand. You hadn’t even thought about how your clothes would still be here, though where else would they have been? You thought only about the clothes you had on when you were brought to Diana’s. Joel’s clothes. You go through the pile, recognising the shirt, sweatpants, and socks.

“They’re clean,” he says, as if you were just assessing that. “Don’t worry, Ellie didn’t wash them.” His voice is low and quiet, the gentle humor peeking through. When you look up at his face, there’s a smirk on his lips that he’s directing to your clothes on your lap.

“Does Ellie ever wash clothes?” Your question makes him chuckle.

“That kid has better things to do than laundry.” He relaxes against the couch, his arm reaching over the back, reaching closer to you, and his elbow buried into the arm rest, as he rests his head against the knuckles of his fist. He keeps looking at you, self-consciousness making home in your body.

You had forgotten how broad he is, how he takes up space in the room, making you feel small in comparison in the process. He has his undivided attention on you, looking at you, assessing you, waiting for you to do something, say something. But when you look at him, you lose all words from your head.

The way he commands you with his quiet presence is disarming, something you haven’t noticed before with him. He's somehow different even though you two have spent time together, just the two of you. But that was months ago. And you were so completely lost. You gravitated towards him because he seemed safe. He meant safety. Now you’re not thinking about safety or who can protect you. You seem somehow equal.

At the same time, in a weird way you don’t feel like you’re equals at all. He’s dominating in his own home. This is his space. And you’re sitting on his couch holding onto a pile of clothes that you left here, clinging to them for support. The clothes he washed. And they still smell like that pine detergent people make here.

You feel small and scared. And awfully powerful at the same time. He’s giving you space to do whatever you want. You just don’t know what to do with that space. You’re like a completely different person around him, like you’ve just met, and he doesn’t know a thing about you.

You feel open, soft, you’d tell him anything if he asked. Your therapy sessions with Diana have helped but they’ve also made you realise how you’ve missed your old self. That person who knew when to trust their gut, knew where to stand, what to say, be confident. You’ve come to understand you’re still those things, and so much more now. Or maybe it’s the alcohol that you consumed tonight, making you tingle with gentle heaviness, making you a bit reckless, a bit braver than you might normally be.

You have to look away from him. He’s held your stare long enough. Your cheeks and neck sting with heat spreading across your skin. You lay the clothes pile on the table, being careful not to knock over the glass of water. In the farthest corner of the room, in the shadows, you see something familiar. You stand up without a word and walk towards it.

“You play this?” You ask as you touch the neck of the guitar. You turn to look at him and he leans forward very slowly. Your thumb touches one of the strings, giving it a strum. It hums with a deep sound, the melodic instrument demanding your careful touch.

“I did, but it’s been a while. Tommy found it a while back, I just haven’t had the…” He stops and when you look back at him in interest, he shifts his eyes away, a deep sadness crossing his features. There’s a darkness that you recognise immediately.

“My sister used to play the guitar. She was so talented, she wanted me to learn it too. But I didn’t learn it as quickly as she did. So she played it and I sang,” you tell him, playing a quiet melody on the strings, your fingers supported against the neck while your thumb works the strings. You offer him a piece of your history, your grief, that you hope will ease his pain. The guitar clearly holds a significance. That’s why he hasn’t been able to play it.

“You sing?” He suddenly asks and you snort out a laugh.

“I’m not a great singer, but it’s always been fun in a weird way. Don’t ask me to sing, I will not,” you clarify and leave the guitar alone. You walk slowly back to the couch and sit down.

“Who would’ve guessed you sing when you weren’t able to even talk a few months back.” His voice is full of that same humor from earlier, but also uncertainty, like he’s not sure if he’s crossing a boundary and this is something he can joke about with you.

“Ouch,” you laugh and look at him incredulous with dramatic flare by bringing your hand against your chest, making him know you’re not really offended. “Did you really just make fun of me and what I went through?”

“Sorry, it was just too good to pass,” he’s watching you incredibly carefully, ready to take it back.

“Uh huh, too good, yeah.” You roll your eye at him.

“Sorry… I mean it, sorry, it wasn’t funny.” His voice lowers and you look at him under your brow.

“It’s a bit funny,” you admit, your warm smile melting him as well.

You lean against the couch, some sort of a relief washing over you. The mood isn’t as tense anymore and the ice has been broken. The sound from the instrument has faded, but somewhere in your memory you can hear your sister picking away at her guitar that she had in the QZ.

She was a magician with a guitar. She learnt new songs incredibly quickly and if she heard something, she might’ve known how to play it by ear the next day. She came up with all these silly lyrics to songs that she composed herself, making you and your brother laugh until you were all hollering the song.

She left her guitar when you all left the QZ. You didn’t hear her play it again.

“I promised Ellie I’d teach her to play the guitar, but she hasn’t asked even though it has been sitting here for weeks. And I just haven’t been able to pick it up because…” He swallows hard. He’s building his courage up to something, it’s so visible in the way he speaks and stops himself right before he lets you in. It’s hard to bring those barriers down, to let someone in to let them see the good and the ugly, the laughter and the pain.

“Maybe she doesn’t know how to ask, when she hasn’t heard you play it?” His eyes flash on you and you instantly feel like you’ve overstepped.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like you have to play it or that I’m forcing you to play it, I’m— I’m not saying that you have to, ever, if you don’t want to, I get it, it can be painful if there are memories or… you know I didn’t mean…” You can feel yourself choke and your eyes getting wider. You hide your face in your hands, forcing yourself to stop talking.

You take a few deep breaths, trying to calm yourself down. Why is this so hard? Why are your nerves and anxiety coming and going in waves, uncovering your insecurity around him in the oddest way. You feel like a teenager who doesn’t have the mental maturity to have these conversations or express your thoughts.

You feel the lightest of touches on your shoulder and your breathing hitches in your throat. With a final sigh you dare to reveal your face again and look at him. You see his arm on the back of the couch retrieving as he’s pulling back from you.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. You’ll play it if you want, or you don’t have to play it ever. Forget what I said, I’m just…”

“Nervous?” He fills in instantly and there’s a warmth in his voice that calms you down.

“Yeah,” your voice squeaks in resignation. The hum from his chest accompanies the sensitive smile on his lips, his eyes cast downwards.

“The guitar…” You dare to settle into watching him, giving him your full attention like he has been giving you. His attention has drifted to the instrument in the dark corner though, his fingers tracing endless figures against the worn leather of the couch, something you could see him do to soothe himself.

“I used to play it a lot, to my daughter. She used to love hearing it and she tried to learn it, but she didn’t have the patience that you have to have when you get used to playing it. So she usually just listened.” The tone of his voice makes your insides ache. It’s so gentle and far away, like he’s not even here with you but with his daughter.

“I didn’t know you had a daughter,” you match his voice, keeping it quiet and gentle.

“Very few people do,” he looks back at you, his head leaning back against his knuckles and his lashes frame his half lidded dark eyes. His admission explains a lot to you.

“What was her name?”

“Sarah.”

“Beautiful name.”

“She was.” The back and forth between you two is in a way comforting, like a curtain that is opened to let daylight in. But in this moment, there’s only darkness on the other side of the windows and you’re enveloped with dusky oranges and browns, the ceiling light working with the power it’s given.

It’s like you’re inside a small, comfortable pillow fort, where things can be said and admitted and they’ll stay hidden until someone wants to bring them to light. A quiet settles on the both of you and you let it sit in your chest. It brings up the numbness of your own grief for your siblings.

“Why did you come here?” He finally asks, and it’s not an accusation. You can see it on his face. He’s purely curious.

“I wanted to apologise, for last time.” You bite the inside of your cheek, your nerves bubbling back up, but stay on a manageable level for you to not completely lose yourself to them.

“What is there to apologise?” His brows draw together in confusion, a deep crease forming between them. You can see that the answer is like a reflex because he needs that apology. You need to give that to him.

“A lot, actually. You basically saved me, in every way.” You can’t help but let out a laugh. “And the last time I was here, I was really at my lowest. I didn’t even know I could feel that way. I hadn’t slept properly for a couple of weeks and I just replayed everything in my head. It all just came to a head.”

“What are you apologising for then?” He’s actually perplexed.

“How I…” You fill your lungs with air and let it flow out between your lips and look him straight in the eyes. The strength from earlier flows back into your veins and the way he’s waiting for you to say what you want to say makes you surprisingly calm. He’s not expecting you to finish saying what you want to say, he’s giving you the time to collect yourself and make sure you say what you truly mean. And you do.

“I’m sorry that I poured it all on you. We don’t know each other and I feel like you had to endure my panic attacks and trauma even though I had no right to do so. And I apologise for that.”

He doesn’t say a word for a long moment and his silence makes your bravery drain out and uneasiness settle in your mind. What if he doesn’t accept your apology? What if he doesn’t want to hear this? What if you’re really crossing a boundary, by coming here and then apologising?

You try to tell your head to shut up and stay calm. You reason with it by reminding yourself that he gave you time to collect your thoughts, you should be able to give him the same chance. The longer the moment stretches, you realise you’re trying to understand the emotions that are crossing his face.

Joel doesn’t look angry, not at all. There’s the hint of his brows pulling together, and then relaxing and his eyes look at you with such intensity that someone who hasn’t been around him before might find it unnerving or even scary. But it’s not something to be scared of or him trying to show you that he’s in control. He looks like he’s trying to figure you out, to understand you and why you felt like it was important for you to apologise in the first place. He seems to come to some sort of a resolution quietly and slowly, the look in his eyes softening and there’s a smallest glint of a genuine smile on his lips before he relaxes again.

“I think we’ve all been there at some point,” he finally says and the delicate earnestness in his eyes doesn’t let you turn away. You know exactly what he means. You know why he was so easy for you to rely on. Because you know he has seen it all. He has been there himself. Maybe even worse.

“You’re forgiven,” he nods forward and looks at you under his brow, his dark eyes in shadows in the dim lighting, a glint in them sparkling in the deep brown.

“Thank you,” your voice breaks and is barely audible. A door you’ve waited to walk through for months is in front of you and as your words leave your mouth, it happens. You step through it and the door closes. A part of yourself that you’re ready to let go of and move forward from separates from you. You sigh and your shoulders relax.

You see the clock on the wall and the ticking of the pointers tell you that the time has flown by and midnight has passed a long time ago.

“I should get going, it’s getting late.” You pick up the pile of clothes from the table and stand up. He follows you to the door and watches you, as you pull your boots on. You tuck the clothes closer to your body.

“Thanks for keeping my clothes here,” you tell him when you’re at the door, ready to turn the handle.

“Where else would I have put them?” He raises his brows, more as a joke than in question.

“Good point,” you laugh gently and open the door.

“Goodnight,” you wish him, looking back. He comes closer and leans against the door frame. You almost feel his body heat radiating off of him against you as you breathe in the mixture of the freshness of the autumn air and him.

“Goodnight.” His voice matches the night, balmy and full of quietness. You turn from him and step out. You hear the door close with a quiet click when you’ve stepped down the porch stairs. Your feet slow their movement until you’re standing completely still.

The inky sky is full of stars. They look so far away, making you feel incredibly small and incredibly conscious of your existence in the vastness of the endlessness the sky offers.

Without a second thought you turn back around and step the porch stairs back up. You lay the clothes on the floor with your shoes and knock on the door again. You see Joel’s figure getting closer through the windows in the door and when he opens it, he’s surprised. Some of the soft greying waves on top of his head are sticking out, like he had just ran his fingers through them.

“Hi,” you offer your hand to him and he looks at it in confusion.

“Hi?” He brings his palm against yours slowly, enveloping your hand into a handshake.

“I’m a neighbour from a few streets away. I live with Diana and her wife at the moment. I might be moving out at some point though, not yet, but sometime soon hopefully. I start working at the stables next week. Just wanted to come and say hi, get to know the neighbours.” You talk and talk, nerves spiking. His face relaxes, a smile grows on his cheeks. He can definitely feel your palm getting sweaty against his warm skin, but you don’t let go.

You tell him your name, hoping for him to catch on what you’re trying to do. Like you said before, you don’t know him and he doesn’t know you, even though you’ve shared your troubles and nightmares with him. It’s time for you to actually introduce yourself properly to him. You recognise the hope inside you for him to want to do the same.

He looks down at your joined hands, and then right into your eyes.

“I’m Joel,” his voice reverberates into your ears and through your body, the low drawl crawling into your chest and staying there, making your pulse pick up speed.

He squeezes your hand gently. You squeeze back. You take a small step forward, without even realizing you’re doing it. You just know that he’s just slightly closer to you suddenly. You’re really just holding his hand at this point, not knowing where to take this.

You hadn’t planned this, definitely hadn’t thought this through and you didn’t even know if this was a good idea. It seems like you’re doubting all your decisions tonight. Coming here proved to be the right move. Maybe this will go your way as well. You sense yourself getting empty, emptier still, the longer you look at him and the confident smirk that’s growing on his face.

“Well, I got to get going, maybe I’ll see you later?” You ask, the hopeful note making you cringe inside. You don’t want to sound desperate or too eager, so you hide them with your hushed voice. He’s suddenly very close, closer than before, like he would’ve just taken a step forward as well. His fingers brush against the inside of your wrist soothingly and tap against it a couple of times in time with your pulse.

“I’m counting on it.” He pulls his hands slowly away, his fingertips running from your wrist to your palm, against your own fingers and fingertips, until you let go. You can feel his touch all over your hand, like he’s still holding it, wrapping your hand with his large one. You skin is sensitive in the wake of his touch. It sparkles and tingles, like electricity.

You pick up the clothes and shoes and smile at him, turning back around. You let out the shakiest breath when you step down the porch stairs and walk to the street. All your nervous energy bursts out of you and you shiver as you can still sense his hand against yours. You walk away and never hear the door close behind you.

#the last of us fanfiction #the last of us fan fiction #tlou fanfiction #tlou fic #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller x gn reader #joel miller x f!reader #pedro pascal character fanfiction #pedro pascal characters #katsheadincloudswrites #fractured fic

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hypnotisedfireflies · 5 months

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(I feel like I have to tell you that though I haven’t been able to keep up with reading the last few weeks I totally think about you and sending good vibes that your magic fingers never stop typing!!)

I have a thought, and I want your thoughts. Tess doesn’t strike me as a self-harming/cutting person. She’s too much about self-preservation. Nor do the Miller’s. Ellie, however, does. In the dorms, especially when Riley left, I would picture someone like Ellie would punish herself in that way. And in Jackson, angry with Joel and feeling like she should have been allowed to martyr herself, I imagine she did it too. Do you think your universe Ellie is like this? Where does she direct her anger and self-loathing? I have gravitated so much into the Tess/Joel orbit that I haven’t delved deep into Ellie’s character. It’s that main character paradox that I have.

(I could be mistaken about your universe Ellie but I wanted to ask! I love how you are able to incorporate the selfish, the nuance, the unreliable narrator. All the things!)

Oh and this is it’s own ask but I want to know about that kid that Joel found in the woods in the alt. storyline that they returned to the cabin. Unless it’s unbelievably tragic in that case … spare me lol gif is included for funsies.

You're all good, lovely! Totally understand - you have a very busy life and the stories will always be there when you have time and space to read them. <3

That's a really interesting take about Ellie! I haven't really considered it before (Tessjoel brainrot, I hear you..) so I'm thinking on the fly a bit here.

I guess *thinking, thinking* ... sure, it's absolutely plausible. Ellie is toting a lot of unprocessed guilt and trauma around. She definitely didn't have anyone in the dorms to confide in. But later in Jackson she does, and I would like to think that Ellie has lots of opportunities to talk to different people and avoid self-harm.

I've mentioned in a few of my stories that Jackson is very aware of the mental health of its citizens. They have support groups for different demographics throughout any given week, they go around and make house calls when the weather is bad and anniversaries are coming around. They've lost a lot of people who don't know how to cope once they "stop" in Jackson and are hyper aware of looking after each other: mind, body and soul.

Tess and Joel don't go to any of the support groups (Tommy does) and Ellie, to Tess's chagrin, follows their lead and doesn't either. But she gradually builds her own friendships of other people in the township, like Cat and Jesse and Dina. She might not be absolutely open with them, but she can talk to them.

So while I can appreciate the concept that Ellie might be given to behaviours like self-harming, I don't think she does this in Driftersverse. She's keeping busy trying to find a new way to make her life count (which is an up and down struggle, eg You Only Live Twice).

I think she directs her anger into building and maintaining Jackson. She felt like she had something to offer the world and that was taken from her, so she works really hard to try and make up for it. Harder than basically anyone in Jackson. Her guilt for being unable to 'share' her immunity feeds into finding other ways to protect the township. And then later, it all gets poured into Joel...

I hope that answers the question? There is so much to unpack with Ellie in this period. She's growing up, she's adjusting to a new life and starting to decompress her old and suspecting Joel and then grappling with what he did and her sexuality and her place in the world - SO MUCH. I hope I can do her justice when I write more of her in this time.

Thank you for asking! BUT WHO IS THE CHILD IN THE WOODS? What is this from?

#driftersverse #asks

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typewriter83 · 2 months

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Girl?? We wanted a chapter, not a whole banquet! Hehehe jokes apart, I just finished (and I wasn't the only one who finished today cof cof) reading the chapter and I have to say man, have to say so many things.

First, you said this chapter would be just 🌶️.5, and I know it might be because of my virgin ass, but the chapter was a pretty 🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️ to me. And as much as it makes me happy, that makes me embarrased now bc I'm feeling like a little kid that searched for two people kissing on google and he thought it was porn😂😂 how do people think that what happened in this chapter was just 🌶️.5? Felt like I was on a brothel. Anyways.

So, I never thought they would start to have a thing this feast, and I'm loving it, because even if it's fast, doesn't feel forced at all. You write the guilt and their feelings for each other in such a lovely way. Like: he doesn't wanna stay in the same room with her but is already seeing red when she talks with another boy, doesn't wanna give in to her desires but can't help to feel his own when he goes to her house and see his girl in his shirt. With his last name written on it like he owns the girl who is wearing.

I'm happy they're being a thing and now he's willing to be at her side, see her more often. And I really hope their little secret goes smooth because I'm feeling like everything is risky at this story. Idk man, just Lil tomtom boy is getting his brother's tense feeling, maria sensing the akwardness... Feels risky. And jesse gave off a pretty observer person vibe in his first scene in Maria's house. Like he's always watching everything and everyone. Also, her house is above the clinic. I mean... Anways, I hope I'm just being paranoic. Bye.

I’ve wanted to give this ask/comment/review a proper reply, so it’s taken a couple days - and I may also want to print this and stick it to my fridge 😘

Bless you, Nonnie, you’re so sweet and adorable - I think my definition of spice might differ from others, maybe I’ve just read a lot (too much?) and think a 🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️ rating is well beyond the limits of my skill set - I’ve been writing since I was 15/16 and this past year is the first time in all those years I’ve posted anything that even remotely resembles 🌶️ writing. Maybe I just don’t have the confidence in my writing to label it what y’all see it as - a brothel, Nonnie, you need a time out 😉

Did it seem fast? Six-ish months? Yeah - compared to other stories where they’ve known each other for years, and then the build up; here they met in December and Joel came back in June after being gone several months. I guess there difference is that there was only this, never any other platonic relationship - even though Joel pushed it away and pushed her away for all those months.

So, you’re starting to see just how many people might be looking their way, right? Tommy and Maria are very protective of Ellie. Dina is Ellie’s new bestie, and where Dina goes, Jesse isn’t far behind, and he’s not too fond of Ellie because she has Tommy’s attention. Kenny is charmed by her and won’t be too thrilled when her attention is pulled away by Joel. It’s a mess, too many nosy people wandering around this small town.

I wonder who else might be watching… 🧐🧐

Mama Bear is taking a short break - probably until next Wednesday, then get back to working on chapter 7 and D&C part 9 - we’ll see who gets attention first!

🫶🏻

#writing #the last of us #tlou #creative writing #mama bear speaks #fanfiction #ask away!#joellie #ellie x joel #joel x ellie

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respectablesentiment · 4 years

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Shannon Woodward, queer icon

#lads #i mean we all got them vibes #but at the same time watching her come in and just defend us like that #fhakfhskfhak #this has dina smacking the door open to yell at tommy energy and we all know it #what a motherfucking blessing #shannon woodward #tlou2 #ellie x dina #the last of us #tlou dina

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dissonantdreamer · 3 years

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I love that I can’t see Dina belonging to anyone, how causally Jesse said my girl when we all know that he was probably wrapped around her little finger.

I’m a bastard that can’t control their brain. minor tangent under the cut:

I’ll be honest, I don’t even think Jesse meant it in that way when he said it. He loves his friends and is concerned for them as anyone would be in their scenario but i don’t think for one second he thought Dina was actually “his girl”. I read it as him making fun of old concepts of dating trying to get Ellie to realize he is fucking with her, but she’s so stuck on the fact that she gave away what happened without Jesse getting a chance to talk to Dina. (Even though, as I’ve made a post about before, pretty sure they talked) Jesse has that, “I’m gonna fuck with my best friend so hard. finally.” vibe and Ellie.exe stopped working. Cause when she does realize he is fucking with her she is so relieved. Her convo with him on the way to the Tipsy Bison is straight up not toxic, he understands where he and Dina are at and there is no animosity. My dude loves his friends and respects the fuck out of them. He’s got one of them Big Gulp cups full of love and respect my friends juice, he drinks every day.

I say all that because there was talk of a scene where Dina and Ellie actually put Eugene’s porn tapes in the VCR and roast pre outbreak ideals of what women were supposed to look like. So, I’m inclined to believe that there is a common thread with the kids that have grown up in a more practical, survival first setting that ownership of your partner is silly, outdated, bullshit, and that you are both individuals choosing to be with the other. Teamwork makes the relationship work and even with their ups and downs Dina and Jesse made their relationship work so they could still be friends after they broke up. Which says a lot because I see so many people say you can’t be friends with and ex and that’s a load of shit. You can if you fuckin’ talk to each other about your feelings and actually respect them.

That being said Dina has everyone wrapped around her finger because how could you look at her and not be. Jesse is no exception, especially when there was potential for all sorts of messing with Ellie that Dina instigated (and potentially Joel, Tommy, and Maria) I can see them being the kind of people where if Ellie does one stupid thing, they never let her live it down. Just good communication from Team Jackson.

thanks for the ask, anon :D

#look i love jesse #he deserved the world #anyway #kind orb with sick shades #ask meme stuff

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statichvm · 3 years

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twd OR tlou ://

TWD

The first character I first fell in love with: I’m almost entirely sure it was Glenn or Daryl. It’s been many, many moons since baby Macy first watched.

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: Fucking Dwight, man. I don’t know what happened. I watched through a million times before my little monkey brain said “hey, that one”.

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: Beth, probably. I don’t hate her, I just... don’t vibe anymore.

The character I love that everyone else hates: ...also probably Dwight, lmao. I don’t engage with the fandom much, but people did threaten to burn down Austin’s house, so like... I have a hunch.

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: Rick. I find that I like him less every time I rewatch. 😔

The character I would totally smooch: Negan, Dwight, Laura, Michonne, Glenn, Maggie...

The character I’d want to be like: I resonate with Carol on a personal level, so I gotta say her. Second runner up is Michonne.

The character I’d slap: I literally do not have time to list them all but rest assured Negan is at least three of the top five.

A pairing that I love: Glenn/Maggie, man. Also Aaron/Eric. 🥺

A pairing that I despise: Andrea/Shane was... weird. Andrea/The Governor is obvious. There’s a few more but I’m not trynna die.

TLOU

The first character I first fell in love with: Joel, closely followed by Tess. Was this a significant factor in my bisexual awakening? Perhaps!

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: Tommy, for sure. It took a few playthroughs for me to be like “hey... wait....”

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: I really don’t care for Maria, mainly in TLOU2. The fandom is super split, but Abby is another.

The character I love that everyone else hates: Marlene. I really fucking adore Marlene and it makes me sad she was so underutilized.

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: I don’t have one.

The character I would totally smooch: Joel, Tommy, Tess, Marlene...

The character I’d want to be like: God, they’re all... Traumatized messes lmao. Dina, probably. She’s probably the most well adjusted one.

The character I’d slap: Literally the entire cast has deserved it at least once, but David deserves it most.

A pairing that I love: Dina/Ellie!

A pairing that I despise: Ellie/Abby is gross. Keep that shit away from me.

#BOTH #asks #jackiesarch

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suffering-and-happy-about-it · 4 years

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True Religion (Favored Ones, Part 23.)

Series description: Many things were surely fucked up in the year 2038, but no-one ever told anyone how all of it went down. What happened before a group of people left for Seattle to handle personal matters? Why did one girl refuse to leave all of it be? And why there were so many dead in the end?

Quote for the chapter: “So I've become the bringer of death. A lover of life. The one who guards from the dark of the night.” - Shawn James

Part summary: As Dina repaired the old radio you and Ellie had found, Tommy and Nora’s whereabouts started to get clearer with every conversation she heard. But you didn’t know what can all of that cost you.

A/N: I think you’ll kill me boys, but, honestly, I do not care at this moment anymore. This is intense shit and you knew what you were signing tf up for.

Warnings: Gore, blood, murder, infected, guns, shooting, angst.

Word count: 5.8 K

Tagging: @nemodoren @xxgoldenhour @missdictatorme @peakymarvels @davnwillcome @pickleriiick @jodiereedus22 @gladiosamicitias @tamkashi @eternallyvenus @avengerssstuff @fangirl-inthe-us @avery-miller @mikah-writes @mad-hatter-98 @sadiaafrin99 @flavorishy

Series master list: H E R E

Joel Miller’s playlist for the bonfire occasions: H E R E

Youtube playlists: JACKSON DAYS | SEATTLE DAYS

Seattle, day two - midday:

You've woken up with an uncomfortable ache in your head. Dina's things were carried away somewhere, so you were laying alone in the room with the door closed. Joel was there as far as you could say - you could hear a song being played on the guitar being played. It could be Ellie, sure, but she was never into Johnny Cash to play some of his songs. Slowly, you sat up and looked around. It took you another while to gather at least enough strength to get on your feet. Maybe Joel was right - you most probably had some slight concussion or stuff like that, because the whole theatre was spinning around you from side to side, making you sick from your stomach. Even walking up to Joel was enough problem on its own.

"Goodmorning." - Your raspy voice mumbled to Joel as you slowly sat down into one of the plushy seats next to him, disturbing his small guitar concert. With that, Joel gave you a small smile. - "You snored a lot." - He stated, making you shake your head.

"You're snoring all the time and I'm not whining about it. Stop being such a pussy." - You teased the man back, having him chuckling at you. This was the girl he knew and fell in love with - the one who was bitching him down daily, poking fun of him daily.

"I take it as a sign that you feel better now, huh?" - The man hugged his guitar, trying not to stare at you too much because you were the prettiest lady he had ever seen. Your eyes were playfully shining as you couldn't take your gaze off the man. But slowly, you nodded with a grin on your face.

"Where's Dina? Is the baby too much these days, huh? And Ellie? Did they leave us here because I was snoring too much?" - It was meant to come around as a joke, but it didn't quite hit off that vibe. You were worried about the girls since you couldn't see them around. Joel shook his head with a smile of a boy, looking at you.

"Ellie has gone after Tommy because the other girl had repaired the radio and made some connection here and there, so we now have a pretty good idea about what's WLFs doing at the moment. But she's feeling better now, I made sure of that." - The man put the guitar down - and as he did, you put your feet there right away. He sighed but started to smooth your shins, leaning his back into the seat as well.

"What are you doing here, then? You wouldn't let her go alone." - You sighed, leaning in and catching his palm to play around with his fingers. He knew that you knew him - you knew he wouldn't let her go alone, but, maybe it was the time to start putting more of his trust to her.

"Someone had to keep an eye out for you, baby. And for Dina." - Joel smiled sheepishly, making you grin even more. Against all the painful grunts coming out of you, you sat up and climbed on top of him - which was certainly an unexpected turn to start with. Maybe you meant what you've told him the previous night. Maybe, even though all of his sins, there was still a small way of hope.

"You were just staring at my boobs when I was out. Let's be real here." - A smile appeared on your lips once again as you put his hands on your hips. - "I dunno what you're talking about, miss. Must be in your head." - The man teased you back, sliding his palm on your butt, palming it to bring you even closer to him. Gently, you felt first kisses on your neck as you hugged him tightly, having this lazy smile on you as you embraced him.

"I mean, you shouldn't think of yourself that low, Joel, you could've just asked me. I would show them to you anytime you'd like me to." - Jesus, you were in one particular mood that night, weren't you? But to be honest, he was glad for every second of the endearing light-hearted moment.

"Go on." - The man leaned his back into the seat, still keeping your ass in his hands as a grin spread all over his face. - "I'm askin' you. Rite now." - And with grace, you did exactly what you implied on doing, slipping the t-shirt on the floor. And of course, it all ended up in a pretty heated up make out session. Just as you were about to undo his buckle, someone had opened the door.

Shocked, you shot your look at Dina, having a horrified expression on your face. And what should Joel say? He was already getting hard to take you right there on the very seat. Holy fuck. - "I'm-I'm sorry, guys! I was just checking if everything's alright. I'll fuck off now!" - Dina yelled at you with her cheeks heated up, already leaving the room. Well, it didn't mean much since the mood was ruined beyond recovery in your opinion.

"I'll go check on her, okay?" - You mumbled and Joel nodded without hesitation. Swiftly, you made your way through the building as you tried to smoothen out your clothes and try to look as if you weren't horny beyond socially acceptable. It must've been the nerves the whole situation which made your body overly seeking out some good old fucking. Yet to your bad luck, you hadn't got exactly the circumstances, time, or a space to do this stuff at. Soon, you were knocking on the radio room where Dina was residing.

When you entered the room, she was just puking into a metal bucket as you poked your head in. To be honest, it was still a better sight than seeing your girlfriend's dad figure touching your best friend in a rather inappropriate way, no matter he's her man. So this wasn't anything that would make you turn on your heels to leave - you just tiptoed in and sat on the other side of the map, waiting for Dina to gather herself back together.

"You're not looking exactly spectacular, babe." - You whispered when she straightened again and got her hair off of her face drenched in a cold sweat. Swiftly, she put her hair into a ponytail, smiling back at you. - "You're not at your best either, pal." - Then, Dina coughed to the top of her palm, jumping at the radio coming to life. And you did so as well. Last you remembered, the radio was out of order. The girl stretched out for a marker, writing something down on the map as she grinned at the sight of you staring at the old piece of technology.

"Loosened connections and antenna. No wonder you and Ellie didn't figure that out since neither of you is exactly an electrician miracle." - The girl explained shortly. - "And what you're looking at... Are the WLF zones here in Seattle. I mean, when you look at it, it's pretty impressive." - "They're singlehandedly ruling over Metropole with limitless potential. Woah." - You finished for her, looking at Dina. The girl nodded, but something told you that this isn't everything she had to say.

"Not necessarily. I heard that Joel told you that WLF is having a full-blown war here with someone. He told me that he heard some people talking about some assassination." - The girl explained quickly and you nodded to let her know that you're listening. - "They call these people Scars. I don't know who they are, what are they doing here or what's their deal... But I heard a whole patrol getting murdered like ten minutes ago. That was why I was looking for Joel."

"Do they know we're here, or what's the deal?" - You mumbled with horror in your face. While the theatre was your biggest source of safety in Seattle, you could get surrounded fairly easily. Dina shook her head to calm you down, whether that would help or not.

"But we have information about this girl right here." - Dina picked up a polaroid from the ground, giving it to you to look at. To be honest, you didn't remember the girl's face in the slightest. Sure, she could be here... Oh. Wait. She, this woman, was the one who told Abby to end all of this already. Nora. Her name was Nora. - "Ellie is in Hillcrest right now, looking for Tommy, and Joel wants to take off to search for Nora. She should be... Here, I guess." - Dina pointed her marker at a hospital building marked down as 'Zone 2'. It was quite a stretch from where you were at the moment, but it wasn't the furthest either.

"She was assigned there just an hour ago and her group is gathering medical supplies there." - Your friend looked down on her palms leaning into the table as she sighed loudly. - "I don't know what's happening here, but it seems as if something nasty is about to go down any minute here in Seattle. From what I understood about all of there operations WLF is running, it's supposed to be some sort of gathering process because they are planning on launching some huge attack. Where? I don't know. But sooner we get this over with, the sooner we'll be able to go home." - Dina finished and caught her belly.

"Can we meet Ellie somewhere halfway? We can search the perimeter, clear the area up, and then meet up with Ellie." - An idea left your lips which had Dina watching you with her mouth slightly opened up. Clearing up the area. You were talking about killing people without a doubt, which Dina could read one thing from. That was the adrenaline rush Dina talked about. The acceptance of the things being as they were. It was the survivor slowly waking up inside of you.

"I mean..." - The girl sighed again, fetching the map you were having all of your directions written on since day one. - "You'll be going to the Lakehill hospital, which is right here." - As she spoke, she circled the spot with her marker, watching the big map she had on the wall. - "The nearest spot you can meet on is this park over here, you see it?" - Dina asked, pointing at a small orange circle on your map and dark-colored spot on the big map. - "You might be prepared to spend the night there because I don't know when Ellie's planning on coming back from Hillcrest." - With that, Dina marked the park on your map as, giving it back to you.

"Are you sure you'll make it if we leave now?" - You asked, smoothing your friend's shoulder. At that, Dina snickered and shook her head. - "I've survived a lot worse shit than a bit of stomach sickness, trust me. In the worst case, I'll barricade myself in here with some snack and I'll wait for your arrival, your majesty. What about you?" - Dina knitted her eyebrows and waited for your response.

To your surprise, you knew exactly what Dina was asking about. Will you handle murdering another tens of people, groups of survivors? But, for real, had you any other option there? No. This was the only way around it. These people shoot on sight without mercy. Why should you be worried about killing them if you were the one making it in the end?

It was good to know that you weren't as sensitive around the topic as you were before. Sure, it wasn't exactly feeling the best knowing you've ended the lives of people which was more or less violence coming in vain yet... This was the only way you could go from the point you were at. Also, you needed more ammo, food, and other supplies because most of it was stolen by the people looting your horses while you were out - and you couldn't gather everything from Sadie's saddlebacks. Some fresh clothes would help a ton as well, but you couldn't complain about what you had.

The last thing with which you reasons the WLFs members with was that... Each of them was a friend of Abby's. What better message could you send other than killing each of them, making the woman realize that someone's after her, thirsting for seeing her in pain - in the same pain she had caused you. So, to summarize it all, you didn't tell Dina a single word. You just nodded, assuring her.

Quickly, you ran down to find Joel already packing his backpack. As it seemed, he wanted to take off on his own and unnoticed, which didn't exactly play out as he thought it will. Instead of confronting him off the bat, you tiptoed to the doorframe, leaning into it with your shoulder. - "Sneaking somewhere, Miller?" - You asked and narrowed your lips to a line. - "It seems so for sure."

The man let his backpack fall to the ground again, turning his head at you. He was worried. About what, you didn't know, but understandably, in this situation, he didn't need to have a specific reason to be worried. - "Dina already turned you in, so, no lies here. We're taking off immediately. Ellie will catch up with us later." - You told him just when he opened up his lips to speak. Without further explanations, you packed your stuff as well, looking at the hollow magazine of your gun. Now you knew you can hit the target sometimes - the other side of the fact consisted of your inability to shoot properly. At least, you had your knife, bow, and arrows - which could prove quite useful if you'd need to attack some patrol from the shadows.

"Are you sure," - "Sure up my ass, Joel. I have nothing to be sure of because this fight is my fight. I was the one for this cycle was started for and so, I will be the one to end it. By any means necessary." - You answered just when Joel was about to start his typical 'I just want you to be safe' pouting show. With that, the man shut up, nodding at your decision.

Just ten minutes later, you were hugging Dina as you and Joel were leaving. It wasn't raining anymore, but the air was sultry and humid just like the clouds were sending a clear sign - it could start raining any minute again. Rather than standing there without a clue of what to do there, you moved forward to make your way through the mostly abandoned city. The closer you got to the downtown again, the crazier it was looking around you. There was tall skyscrapers with beaten out windows, ravaged cars and stores, deep pits and cracks in the asphalt full of water and surely, it could be seen how quickly nature overtook the whole city.

"What did you mean by saying that you've started all of it? You weren't the one who started at all." - Joel suddenly spoke into the silence, having this question on his mind for quite some time at that moment. First, you spared him a quick over-the-shoulder glance while making your way through a corroded building before you gathered some normal-sounding answer.

"Tommy went MIA because of me in the first place. Ellie is obsessed with the image of having all those people dead because of what they did to us and her choice made Dina wanting the same. You left by my side because I couldn't sleep at night. This was started by me in so many ways, Joel." - You sighed back, opening another door to the third floor. This time successfully. And as far as you could say, you could safely cross a big mass of water from this floor on some kind of a wooden structure.

"Nothin' of what you've listed ain't your damn fault." - The man huffed out while you both scanned the area for possible supplies. This place seemed to be already cleared out and infected-less, so you didn't worry about keeping your voices down too much. - "But you can't deny it all just a big fucking cycle repeating again and again. And to be honest," - You stopped to look at him with a tired expression. - "I'm just tired of that."

Joel knew exactly what you meant, so he only nodded and didn't ask further questions. It was a cycle in a way - a cycle of violence and revenge of some sort, repeating just like life itself. There will be always someone seeking revenge on other people, just like there will be people who will be trying to escape it. And putting an end to all of it? That seemed like a reasonable and mature choice. Which could bring consequences?

It wasn't too long after that when Joel caught the sleeve of your jacket, pulling you to the ground. His palm pointed your head in the direction of a dying fireplace in the middle of the room which had each window beaten out, so the air was coming in. Someone didn't leave the place recently, oh no - they were on the same floor with you. Which was terrifying, because these people didn't make a single sound the whole time. Neither of you kept your voice down, you searched through the room rather carelessly. And these people were watching you from afar, most likely, waiting for you to walk into their trap.

"We need to move now." - You instructed Joel. The man wanted to resist, but you held his palm in yours. - "We can't win in this situation. They have us outnumbered and they knew where we last were. We need to make a run for that bridge." - You motioned your head forward, reminding Joel for what you've been there. And just when Joel was about to answer, a high and long whistle sounded through the room, accompanied by at least ten other whistles.

Without a lot of thinking through, you tugged on Joel's jacket as you got on your legs and ran through the room, hearing the first arrows fly by you in the next second. By a miracle, neither you nor Joel got shot, but it was just inches between you and tips of it. The office building you were crossing through was a labyrinth and no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't find any logical solution to it. To make it even worse, any of the people firing at you couldn't be seen - they were hiding in the shadows, communicating by some system based on different whistle sounds. Which terrified you. The whistles were dissolving in the number of rooms you were making your way through, so you couldn't find at least one of the persons based solely on the sound of it.

Both you and Joel hid behind a thrown over bending machine - the wooden bridge was just across a long, well-lit hall. Something was telling you that there's going to be most of them. But there was no other option. You couldn't hold positions at the moment and even if there was a long time since the last arrow flew in your direction, you were somehow sure that these people knew exactly where you were.

"Listen." - Joel turned your face at him, holding it in his palms. - "Now, you have to run. Don't look around, don't look behind, just run straight forward, 'kay? I'll be rite behind you." - The man kissed you briefly, tugging you our of your hiding spot in the direction of the bridge. His palms pushed you in front of him to put your tired body into motion. Abd it helped - even if you were out of breath, you needed to keep in motion so Joel would stay right behind you. The bridge was nearer and nearer, just like the ducking whistling. The people seemed to go over the top with it, panicking because you were almost there.

It was just when you ran to the end of the bridge when you realized something's off. It wasn't finished. It didn't lead anywhere. There was this huge mass of water under you, thanks to the rain, and a broken-down wall, where you could jump to. It was now or never situation, so you backed a few steps back, hoping Joel will see what you were after; not realizing that it would be there with you, he'd be already telling you what to do. Yet your mind didn't make that connection as you tried to hype yourself up before the jump. But just as you sprinted towards the edge, you cried out when spasm tensed your muscles up on the leg which was fucked up by Abby, making you fall down before you even made an attempt to jump.

You screamed for your dear life - you were just falling down to the water from the height of the fourth floor of one of the skyscrapers. Your palms were stretching out as you desperately tried to catch any ledge, but it was pointless. Nothing could help you now. And so you, you fell into the water with a loud splash. For a second, your body fell into a deep shock. The water was ice-cold, making your tensed and heated up muscles hurt as you regained the control over your muscles. You've fallen, but at least you crossed at least three savage-looking-like barricades you and Joel were making your way around. Something told you not to surface just yet - you swam in the water to another collapsed building on the other side of the street, climbing out in the basement.

There was no way around it - you had to cough loudly to get the water out of your lungs as you gasped for all the air you could get. First, you started to check yourself. Were you hurt? Did some arrow hit you? Did you hit a bone or broken anything? And there was a long, relieved sigh when you realized you're still doing good. But that was when it hit you at full speed. You stood up and looked around through the collapsed wall to the mass of water, upon the bridge. But you couldn't see or hear literally anyone. Where the fuck was Joel?

The panic attack took over you almost immediately. Where the fuck was he? Why didn't he jump after you? You were all alone now while the whistling people were after you. Right at the moment. The paranoia and fear made their way into your system rather quickly as you jumped at every small sound around you. He had to figure out another way out, right? He was safe for sure. He was just fine and you couldnt stay on one spot for too long. They knew you fell right into the water. It won't take them too long before finding you. Without too much thought put into it, you moved forward to take at least some stand on the situation. The only thing leading your steps were your instincts.

Now, you were on your own. Joel sure as hell was fine, you hoped so, and he knew where you were supposed to meet Ellie. He sure will appear on the meeting point, so there was no point in waiting for him. Somehow, you made your way into the first floor and except torches lighting up the place, it was pitch black. But the less your eyes saw, the more your ears heard. There was someone right in front of you, so you slowly took the knife out, listening to the pace and loudness of their footsteps, realizing where they were. And once you did, oh boy, they had it coming.

It was a woman in a brown coat, you guessed, facing away from you. She was struggling a lot, but not as much once you stabbed her abdomen before stabbing her neck open. With shaky hands, you let the hand slip to the ground, watching her face. The scars leading up from the corners of her mouth up to her earlobes was what caught your attention immediately. These were the Scars Dina told you about. These were the people who killed a patrol of WLFs in a gruesome way. No matter how stressing was that, there was no way for you to slow down for at least a bit. So you moved around in the sheer light, mostly helping yourself with listening to your surroundings, carefully touching it with your palms so you'd know where's solid wall and where's something else.

One man walked just a foot from you with his bow ready, looking for you. They knew about you, they surely did. It was impossible not to hear the warning whistles of their friends. Okay, okay, you had to get your facts straight. So, there were the Scars for sure. And they communicated by whistling. Which was amazing in a way - fucking every pinch of hope you had in many others. With a shaky breath, you closed your eyes and waited until the man crossed the few rooms you crouched through. Just when you moved forward again and saw a door opened enough for you to squeeze through, you heard another sharp whistle cutting the silence. The man found his dead friend.

As you climbed out of the building, you tried to memorize this sign at least. It surely meant that they were warning others about a dead body they had found. Quickly, you put the knife back in, thinking about where to go next. The adrenaline was really pushing you over your limits as you climbed on a trunk of an old picked up, over to the front side and jumping off, sliding on a muddy hill. When you ran for another three blocks, you finally stopped to catch some breath, leaning your back to one of the concrete buildings.

Joel wasn't there. Joel was MIA. He could be even dead. And while you knew and realized all the possibilities that could meet him on his way out of the office building, your brain didn't seem to sort them out. It still didn't seem to click inside there. Also, you didn't have any ammo or arrows, since all of them fell out of the quiver once you took the deep dive into the mass of water. And as it seemed, the hunters were now after you - you could be anyone in their eyes. They didn't care much if you were a civilian, a WLF, or a trespasser. They wanted you dead now as well. Great. The whole situation was fucking up more and more while you just watched it going downhill.

At least the map was partially intact, so you were still able to orientate around the city - or pinpoint where you were. As before, there wasn't any time for you to stop just like that. You were more or less a hunted prey at the moment, so you had to move quickly before having an arrow shot up to your ass. The paranoia didn't leave you for the slightest moment - you now knew the Scars were capable of being extremely quiet when they had to be and as a reaction for that, your ears responded to every small sound they caught. The light was starting to fade away, but because you were too afraid of using your flashlight, it was only adding up to the tension of the situation because soon, everything seemed like a person moving around.

Yet by a miracle, you made it to the edge of the park. There, you were finally calm enough to find a small place to reside for a moment, eat and drink a bit, rest up before Ellie makes her way to you. As soon as you bumped into an opened canalization shaft, you took it as a sign. This was your place to hide despite the smell and rats. You made a fire to warm yourself up without being terrified of it catching some attention since you were in an abandoned underground area, ate a can of baked beans, and drank almost all the water you had while trying to dry your jacket. It was really no surprise you drifted off right on the spot.

The kid had some cool music taste, which made you like her a lot more. She caught your eyes here and there when she was hoarding the food in her pockets, quickly pacing out of the dining room soon after each time she has done it. The girl was underweight-slim, always disappearing as if she was only an illusion hanging on the backside of your head. But there was something about her which made you smile.

Maybe she was just scared of all of you, which could be pretty reasonable when you acknowledged what happened to her. Or at least the things you've heard about the girl. Sure, most of them were pure works of fiction, but some of the stories made you scared of her too. So you decided to be the first one to break the silence, coming up to her house and befriending the scared-to-death kid. And you heard some pretty dope music from the inside when you did so. You couldn't believe how nervous you felt when you were about to knock on the door, just when she opened them up.

"Joel, what are you," - The girl grinned at you before she realized you aren't that Joel of hers. - "Oh." - She whispered and looked back at you the same way you were looking at her. For a moment, you both stood there uncomfortably, looking down on each other. She was the first one to speak.

"Hey, whatcha doing out here?" - Her voice muttered quietly and you watched as the played around with the tip of her back shoe, watching it. Her forearm was wrapped up in a piece of white cloth, her red hair was put to a messy ponytail and dear lord, she seemed to be weirded out.

"Heard the cool the music, so I came to ask who you're listening to." - You explained with a nervous giggle at the end, pointing at her radio in the corner. A white CD was put in there, rotating as the song progressed. The girl nodded with insecurity in her face, but she still stepped aside to invite you in, fetching you the CD cover. Foster the People was what the cover said. - "It's called Pumped Up Kicks. They're dope." - She nodded nervously when you read the song names on the back of it, but suddenly, she pointed her finger at you. You arched your eyebrows while slowly looking at her.

"Wanna hear a joke?" - She wondered. She'd swear that you could hear her heart beating with nerves at that point. Pumped up Kicks slowly faded into another of their songs, which you maybe liked even more. Slowly, you nodded at the proposal, still standing there since you didn't know what else you should do. - "Okay." - She chuckled and nodded, blushing slightly at those actions. - "What's golf's club favorite music genre?"

This question made you furrow with a growing smile as you shook your head unknowingly, watching the girl as she leaned her ass into the edge of her table. - "Swing."

There was an awkward silence as you tried to understand the joke - and suddenly, you started to laugh out loud so much, you had tears in your eyes. - "Dude, that's so bad!" - You whispered between the laughter, seeing the girl smiling right back at you. - "Name's Y/N, nice to meet you finally." - You offered the girl your hand, watching her approaching you with an unbelieving smile on her face. Did you want to talk to her sooner? You and your group of friends sure as hell caught her eyes before and to be honest, she was desperate to join you. All of you seemed cool and fun, around her age, but... She didn't know how to approach any of you. In her eyes, you were maybe too cool for someone weird as she was. But you came to her with an offer of friendship on your own, which was kinda dream-like for her. - "I'm Ellie. Nice to meet you too."

Ever since that day, you learned how to recognize the girl's voice and touch anywhere. So you realized it's her who's waking you up from your unplanned nap. The fire had already died out and Ellie was stinky, covered in mud, wet dust, the sewers water, and blood. Which didn't stop you from hugging her tightly, breathing out to her neck. Slowly, everything that happened had popped in your head again, making you terrified once again. - "Oh, God." - You muttered to the crook her neck, tugging her even closer.

"Focus on me. Where's Joel? Why you're alone?" - Ellie asked with worries in her eyes, palming your jaws gently. Disoriented, you looked around and tried to catch at least a slight gasp on reality before realizing what happened. - "We bumped into the Scars on our way here. We were running to the bridge, trying to get away when my fucked up leg tensed up and stopped me, so I fell into the water under. I didn't see him since then."

The nape of Ellie's neck got sticky from cold sweat as she realized what you were telling her. You and Joel separated, and you didn't know where the fuck he could be. He could be possibly dead, kidnapped, or something like that. It happened hours ago so there was no meaning in searching for the man. Which made her feeling sick from her stomach. At the same time, Ellie did know that with all the chaos she just managed to start by entering the sewers, anyone could've heard her. At the moment, there wasn't time to grief over his loss. You could do that later. - "Listen to me. It's only you and me now and we will make it outta here no matter what. We're coming for Nora, okay? It's you and me not. We're the last ones who remained on the battlefield." - She mumbled as she helped you into your jacket, packing all your stuff up. Trying to understand the meaning of her words, you nodded and sighed, pointing to the exit.

"The park's just above us. It's probably the quickest route straight to the hospital." - You instructed her and both got out of the building, seeing the dying daylight. And the coverage over the park didn't make your sight conditions better in any possible way. The only thing you could hope for was that the fucking park was empty.

Yet as soon as you heard a sharp whistle, you pushed Ellie to the ground, taking in a deep breath. You were in some knee-deep shit at the moment.

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aalt-ctrl-del · 4 years

Text

The Last of Us 2 :SPOILERS:

about a certain playable character

on this blog we love and stan Ellie in her quest for vengeance.

The narrative “revenge bad” really doesn’t apply to the post-apocalyptic world, wherein we are not here for petty revenge if it means we need to eliminate a potential threat to our people.

also-also, Abby is a whole bully. The game-play of her was fair and all, to try and appeal her as a totally human character with backstory and friends, and an entire support system. But Mel was right. Abs is an asshole.

I think what came across hardest in the Abby segments, when you see where she comes from and her pre-history, is that we don’t have a character that can be fully sympathized with. The game devs really tried, I think, to make her endearing as a person and not some rando antagonist, with depth and character. To see from her perspective, of how things are. And I don’t dislike her for just killing Joel, it’s her whole entire attitude and motivation behind it, AND hauling company along and doing what it takes to reach her - HER - end goals.

Abby is fully incorporated into this WLF militia district, who kind of go out and kill the Seraphites whenever the two factions cross paths. These two are in conflict, and Abby has no qualms about torturing and killing these “of the land” people. And Abby has a higher-than-thou attitude about her purpose in life, and justification for hunting down and murdering Joel. She totally believes that her people are the good guys, and everyone else is the villain.

No, Joel was not a saint himself. But we’ll refer to the post-apocalyptic scenario, where the main focus is survival. There are scarce resources, and people become infected by fungal funtimes means you have to murder friends before they turn and pose a danger to the whole party. All while you deal with people who are struggling for the same resources, willing to kill to survive, we also have savage McGee having a damn holiday about crumbling social order. Moral jives be damned.

Joel didn’t torture and kill Abby’s papa, while she watched. His purpose in the hospital was extract Ellie, and in that moment, with time so precious, with emotions all over the place, threatened at gunpoint, and given what happened to Sarah, Joel was not prepared to be robbed of saving someones life. The experience in of itself was triggering for him, I reckon.

I’ve said it before a long while back, but I roll with Joel’s decision. Ellie’s immunity was supposed to “Save humanity”, but there wasn’t much left to save. Ellie suffers survivors guilt, and constantly falls back to “My death would’ve meant something.” But how we die isn’t nearly as important, as how we lived, and those we encountered along the way. It will always be more important to to live, than to be gone.

I have this feel that at some point while they were rekindling their relationship, between them, Joel would’ve pointed out that Ellie’s life has meant more than her hypothetical death. That her inclusion into all these peoples lives, is worth mountains more than what might’ve been,

So Abby. She crosses the countryside to enact revenge on a man, who was protecting his surrogate daughter. She held onto that hate and resentment for all this time, and was willing to maim people in order to locate where Joel was. Worst of all, she bullied her colleagues and friends to join her on this vengefest. Because Joel “destroyed humanities last hope.” The only reason Abby didn’t go on a murder/torture quest, like Ellie did, was due to the fact Joel and Tommy intercepted her on patrol and escorted her back to WLF temp base - after saving Abby from infected. They then offered to bring the group by Jackson, for supplies, and shelter.

And in response, Abby’s lot tortured and murdered Joel. Right in front of Ellie.

Then when Seraphite’s Yara and Lev help Abby, after these two factions have been fighting for years. Abby turns around and helps “these kids”.

Mel was right. Abby is an asshole. All her friends died, trying to “protect her” from this scrawny girl from the small wood town. A small neighborly community, who lost a vital and important member of their community.

What rubbed me the wrong way with Abby though, is that she comes across as the law, or justice - the one who was in the right, and that’s that. Sure, Ellie killed all her friends, but Abby was willing to do the same to Jacksonites. And has done the same to Seraphite prisoners. And Ellie was acting out in self-defense in each encounter, no debate on that. Ellie absolutely had tunnel vision for Abby, and for some reason the idea of ratting out their friend - to this scrawny girl - just didn’t feel right.

But fuck, Abby was a toxic person. She’s this military buff going out to murder lone country folk. She would’ve done to Jackson, what WLF did to the Seraphite village. All to find Joel.

It was important for Ellie to witness Abby at the end of Santa Barbra, broken and in shambles after a false lead. With no people or her own anymore, aside from Lev. No one to come rescue her, no one waiting for them. No one.

To see that Abby did lose everything, and had nothing to go back to.

True, Ellie did a lot of damage to Abby, arguably a lot more than she suffered with Joel’s death. But Ellie went through so much with Joel, saved him and nursed him back to health, and was caught by cannibals - nearly hacked to bits. All to save Joel. Ellie had so much she needed to do with Joel, so much to forgive and grow through in a healthy and meaningful way. But Abby robbed that from them.

Ellie just tearing loose, going after Abby was justified. Ellie grew with Joel as a survivor, and has a lot of suppressed trauma that was unlatched through Abby’s malice. And most important of all.

Ellie constantly told her friends, they didn’t have to come. She had to force Dina to stay behind, while she went out. That’s an important contrast between the Ellie and Abby dynamic.

Abby ridiculed and harassed people around her, on this quest for revenge. Ellie just wanted to find Abby, kill that bitch, and call it good.

That’s my vibe.

Last thing, the whole, “We let you live, and you wasted it!” Just pissed me off. Like it was some sort of honor that the mighty oxen-Ab didn’t murder them after Joel dad saved her.

Abby wanted this, and she got everything she needed from it.

#the last of us #the last of us 2 #tlou2 #tlou #abby #ellie #joel #maybe a rant #i have words about the game

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the-baticeer-extraordinaire · 4 years

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The Last of Us Part 2

So, I finished it a couple of days ago, and I’ve been thinking a lot about it. I spent about three days playing, and I plan to play it again soon. I have some Thoughts ™ about it that I decided to share, but be aware -- there are major spoilers all throughout this post! You’ve been warned!

It’s broken into three sections: what I loved, what I hated, and what I’m mixed about. Discussion is welcome. :)

What I Loved:

In the first game, you get to see Ellie's experience with the world outside of the QZ - and most of it is new to her. She grew up in the QZ, raised by Fireflies. She doesn't know much about the world before the outbreak, but you get to see her learn about it. You see her grow up and mature in this new, violent world and the toll that it has on her. In TLOU2, she's an adult now with friends who all grew up in this new world - they don't have the experience with the old like Joel or Tommy or Maria, so they are learning as they go. They've only experienced THIS world. I really enjoy listening to their conversations about what the world is like to them, trade stories about their wildly different experiences, and point out things they find odd about the old world. For example:

Ellie grew up in a QZ, but Dina did not. They trade stories about what it was like - particularly, the horrors of living in a QZ.

Ellie and Dina comment on Joel's love for coffee, saying they didn't "get it" as it tasted awful.

Ellie and Dina discuss the first time they killed a "non-infected" and the circumstances that caused it; it's clearly something very emotionally important to them, especially as they were young. It's also likely that this is the reality for all kids growing up after the outbreak. They don't get the privilege of knowing a life where they don't have to kill others to survive.

When Jesse and Ellie stumble upon a bookstore with a kid's section, Jesse can't believe they decorated the kids area with mushrooms. Ellie says that they must have had a different meaning to people before the outbreak, and in her journal, she notes that people used to think that mushrooms were cute.

Lev points out that a kid's bedroom is painted to look like nature but that it isn't realistic, and Abby tells him that it's more a "dream-like version" meant to be cute and commonly painted by parents for their kids. She tells Lev that her own father painted her a jungle.

The uncertainty of knowing whether or not Ellie knew that Joel had lied. I had always hated that Joel chose to lie to Ellie, but I had always suspected that Ellie must have some idea. I liked the gradual revelation that she did know, that Joel had finally fessed up. There were moments when someone would ask her if she had any idea why that group would kill Joel, and I'd be saying, "Because Fireflies" but then I would have to think "Ohhh, but Ellie doesn't know that!" Because you couldn't be sure that she did until the flashback reveals.

I felt like the strained relationship between Ellie and Joel resulting from the lie makes perfect sense; Ellie placed all value of her life on being the cure, and it must have been devastating for her to hear that she could have lived up to that perceived value if it weren't for his actions. Shitty actions of the Firelfies and the unrealism of a mass cure aside, Ellie must have felt insanely betrayed by the person she trusted most. The growing gap between the two of them and her pushback against his helicoptering makes absolute sense, even if it's sad. If Ellie had just blindly accepted it without some kind of anger or betrayal, I'd have been really disappointed.

Despite the lie and knowing what he had done, she still felt a sense of injustice enough to pursue his killer. In her journal, she notes that she had suspected Fireflies all along, so she knows why they came and why they killed him.

At first, I really hated playing as Abby. I knew immediately from Abby and Owen's conversation on the cliffs that she intended to find and kill Joel, and I wasn't surprised because even though I hadn't seen any spoilers prior to playing, I fully expected Joel to die in this game. It just made sense to me that Ellie would be on a violent rampage to avenge Joel, so it wasn't hard to connect. But playing as Abby, ESPECIALLY after Joel's death, was really hard to swallow. I couldn't really get behind playing as Joel's killer, as I adored Joel as a character and I had a lot of hate for her. As I played through her scenes, I started to realize that Abby and Ellie are kind of two sides to the same coin. Both grew up in and are navigating this "survival at all costs" kind of world, both are the sort to go to the extreme to seek revenge, and both are deeply hurting from the loss of their fathers. I was slow to really appreciate seeing Abby's perspective, but in the end, I got to see qualities of Abby that I liked, even if I didn't care for her overall. It reminded me that people aren't all good or all bad - they're more of a mixed bag.

Ellie is a child in the first game, and so it's not really surprising that she doesn't really make a lot of life-altering decisions for herself. She goes with Joel and Tess because Marlene says so, and she goes with Joel because what other choice does she have? And in the end, neither Joel or the Fireflies give her a choice in her situation - she's just dragged along to whatever they think is best for her. The sequel is different - Ellie is an adult who lives on her own and makes her own decisions. She pushes back when she feels Joel meddling, and it makes sense considering how he took control of her situation before. So, Ellie's actions have a lot more weight, and she's actually responsible for them. What I love is that Ellie is unquestionably herself - even when I, the player, felt like she was doing something wrong, it was her choice to make. It makes her character all the more human that she's not some righteous saint getting revenge for Joel's death. She makes mistakes and does things that are morally questionable. It makes her like everyone else - someone who has both good and bad.

Lev. All things Lev.

Through Ellie's perspective alone, you don't get much insight about the conflict between the Wolves and the Seraphites in Seattle. Abby's perspective offers more, and it makes sense. Ellie is a visitor and unfamiliar with the territory, but it seems Abby has been a part of the Wolves for a while. It's clear that the tension has grown increasingly more violent recently, and you get to see all of that erupt with Isaac ordering an attack to wipe out the Seraphites. What's interesting to witness is that as you progress through Abby's story, you get to see the flaws of both groups and the atrocities committed by both. The real tragedy is that neither of the groups can set aside their differences to say that it's okay to live differently - instead, they constantly fight and kill each other. The Seraphites are convinced that the Wolves are sinful and need to be put down. The Wolves say the Seraphites are freaks and need to be culled. Neither side is willing to try another truce - instead, they subscribe to the "survive at all costs" idea, and the cost is the other side - who they clearly don't see as human. This is especially clear when you see how quick they are to turn on each other for "stepping out of line" like when Lev shaves his head, Danny attacks Owen for not being able to kill an old man, and Isaac is willing to kill Abby for trying to stop the Wolves from killing Lev.

Once Lev and Abby start running together, Lev constantly corrects Abby's use of "Scars" - the name that the Wolves call the Seraphites. This seems very important to Lev, and once you run into Seraphites with him, you understand his insistence as they continuously deadname him. Lev didn't give up his beliefs when be fled the Seraphites, and it's important to him that Abby not disrespect him in that way. Even more telling is that while Abby continues to use Scars for a bit, she eventually becomes more respectful and uses Seraphites instead - something that his own tribe couldn't do for him.

Holy fuck, I am in love with the aquarium. When playing as Ellie, the place had a super creepy vibe, so I wasn't feeling it. But I was genuinely excited every time I got to visit it as Abby because I LOVE that place. Except for the last time. That sucked.

Not only could you pet dogs, but you could play fetch with them, too. That's fucking awesome.

I went into the game expecting an established relationship with Ellie and Dina, but I'm really glad I got to witness it blossom. I actually really loved how playful they were with each other, but also how comforting they could be for each other. All the little looks and touches filled my little bi soul with all sorts of warmth and happiness.

Ellie's inability to sleep, her flashbacks, and the note she makes in her journal about finally having a day that she forgets about Seattle all point to the traumatic damage that Joel's death and her revenge quest did to her. When Tommy confronts her about pursuing Abby again, Ellie seems to completely shut down at the idea, and Dina has to take control of the situation. I like the fact that they show the cost of Tommy and Ellie’s vigilante justice, like Ellie’s PTSD, Dina having to take care of Ellie on top of taking care of JJ, the failure of Maria and Tommy’s marriage, or Jesse’s parents having to live with the loss of Jesse. Similarly, Abby sees the same kind of consequences to her pursuit of revenge: she sees the loss of her Firefly friends -- something she clearly hadn’t expected to happen.

For the most part, I didn’t care much about Abby’s friends. I got pretty into Owen’s story, until he was perfectly okay with leaving Mel and his unborn child and running off into the sunset with Abby. I’m not sure how I felt about Mel in the end, and I hated Nora and Manny. However, I really did like to see their perspectives, and I especially liked seeing how much some of them struggled with Abby’s vengeance and torture of Joel. I felt like it gave me a bigger picture of the consequences of Joel’s actions at the end of the first game (and we all had to know there would be SOMETHING).

All of the cutscenes showing Ellie and Joel’s relationship over the years were an absolute delight (even the not so nice ones) because I fully expected to be able to have more Joel and Ellie interaction before his death. I’m sad we didn’t get that, but happy that I could still explore their dynamic through flashbacks. Don’t even get me started on the birthday flashback because I have so much love for that entire scene and will probably replay it more than any other part of the game.

The attention to detail in the environment was so stunning. In one the of the apartments in Seattle during Abby’s playthrough, I saw a tabletop RPG set-up and immediately screenshotted it and sent it to my gamer friend group. All of the lore notes you could pick up and read through with stories about FEDRA, Seraphites, or Wolves really hammered home the idea that each group was at fault for their predicament and contributed to the overall tension and bloodshed. I love the theme that no one is blameless, because in the post-apocalyptic setting, you really wouldn’t expect anyone to be completely innocent. Even going to view the models in extras, you can zoom in and see the level of detail they added -- like JJ actually has blemishes on his face in the one where Dina is holding him. I fucking love it, man.

What I Hated:

When you play through Abby’s story and finally get to the confrontation, the player actually has to continue to play as Abby and attack Ellie. This seemed like a particularly cruel set-up, given that most of the player base is playing this game because they loved Ellie and wanted to continue playing her story. I’ve seen comparisons of the encounter to that of Ellie and David in the first game, but I don’t feel like it’s the right comparison. The mechanics were the same, yes, but the situation is completely different. Yes, in Abby’s story, Ellie is the villain. Ellie murdered her friends. But in the case with Ellie and David, Ellie was a prisoner who then had to fight to get free of him -- Abby is not a prisoner and sought out Ellie on her own.

I understood the chronology of the story, and I enjoyed having the “so she DID know” moment after the game reveals that Ellie knew that Joel had lied before she went to Seattle, but I think that the way the game switched between Ellie and Abby felt very weird. I didn’t exactly rush through Abby’s scenes, but the cliffhanger between Abby pointing a gun at Ellie and then switching to Abby’s story years before felt super jarring, and it made me more resistant to trying to understand Abby at first. I think the switch between perspectives could have been set up differently for a more satisfying playthrough.

I swear to you, I hated the rat king with every fiber of my being. I was already so creeped out by exploring ground zero -- the sheer amount of anxiety I had as I was searching for those damn supplies was intense, and then having to constantly run from the rat king or be killed felt like complete insanity -- and I played on the easiest setting! I wish they had some sort of way to opt out of those things for those interested in seeing the story play out. I know a lot of people who struggle with the combat mechanics but who want to see Ellie’s story.

In fact, slogging through all the infected in general felt really tedious.

Yara’s death felt like it did absolutely nothing for the plot and only served to further the pain of Abby and Lev. We had already seen how vicious both the Seraphites and the Wolves could be -- the point didn’t need to be driven home by such a senseless death. Even though I also hated Mel’s death, I could see how it played into the confrontation with Abby and Ellie -- why should Abby care about Dina’s pregnancy when Ellie hadn’t extended the same mercy to Mel? Abby couldn’t have known that Ellie didn’t know. But Yara’s death served no good purpose, and I’m still pissed about it. Also, why the fuck would you kill her after the HELL the players go through to get the supplies to save her and actually have Mel be able to save her only to kill her off shortly after? It makes zero sense.

I also really hated Jesse’s death. He seemed like such a good person and his death was so unnecessary -- especially since Tommy got to live. His family and JJ and hell, Ellie and Dina, even, didn’t deserve to lose him, especially as he hadn’t even done anything to Abby. Ugh.

When Tommy pulled out that map and started talking about having a lead, I felt every bit of Dina’s outrage at the situation. Their need for vengeance had already cost everyone so damn much, and it seemed absolutely bonkers that Tommy wanted to go after her again -- especially when he had seemed perfectly okay at the theater to pack up and go home with Abby still alive. He went from “Are you good with that?” about leaving Abby alive to “You made me a promise” to Ellie when Ellie says she won’t. Ellie had Dina, a baby, and some serious PTSD -- she had no business being set back on that path, but Tommy didn’t seem bothered by any of that.

Was it not enough to make Ellie lose her family, but make her lose her fingers, too? I appreciated the game’s constant insistence on the consequences of your actions in this survive at all costs kind of world, but it seemed like a lot for Ellie to wind up losing her fingers in the end. Blah.

What I Have Mixed Feelings About:

I was not as upset about the ending as most people seem to be. I think it says a lot that Ellie went all that way to Santa Barbara and in the end, spared Abby’s life -- in the same way that Abby initially refused to fight Ellie. It felt like they were both fighting someone else’s fight and were finally tired enough to let it die. It did feel pretty frustrating that she went all the way out there, nearly died, and lost two of her fingers to kill Abby, only to not end up doing it and thus negating the whole damn trip, but I also feel like Ellie needed the sort of closure that trip brought. In the end, it was her decision to let Abby live -- a choice that had not been given to her years prior, when Joel took her from that hospital. I like to think that she finally understood Joel’s decision.

When Dina refused to support Ellie going back after Abby, I wasn’t surprised, and I didn’t really blame her. I was even pissed that Ellie chose to go after what had happened last time, and I couldn’t really understand why she’d be so willing to leave her family behind when this had already played out so poorly for her before. I also wasn’t surprised when Ellie returned to find an empty house -- I’d imagine that taking care of a farm and a baby at the same time would likely be too much for Dina, and I just assume she moved back to Jackson, where she’d have help. Either way, I’d love to know if Dina was fully done with Ellie for good, or if she’d accept her back if Ellie went to find her. I know that the loss of their relationship is a direct result of Ellie’s actions and the fact that she prioritized killing Abby over staying with her family, but goddammit, I just want a happy lgbt ending for once.

I was genuinely excited to have a trans character in the game. I cannot express enough how much I adore Lev. In a way, his and Abby’s relationship reminds me a lot of Joel and Ellie’s in the first game. They depend on each other, and they obviously really care about each other. One of the things that super bothered me was the storyline with his mother. We already know that he’s pretty much cast out and hunted for being trans -- so we can see the horror of it. It was rough enough to know that his own mother could turn away from him and condemn him like all the rest, but having her attack him and forcing him to kill her in self-defense felt like a lot. I just can’t imagine how triggering that might feel for trans people playing the game.

#tlou #tlou2 #the last of us #the last of us part 2 #spoilers

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