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icewindandboringhorror · 6 months

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Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!

#cats #holiday #OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few #days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below)#My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart #rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart #so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag #and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day #last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few #hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent #ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect #because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make #me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these #'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a #few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is #getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better #and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo #I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm..#pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c #Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after #like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread...#I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was #doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally #ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully #whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos #ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever.#And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely #though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart #stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive #things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***

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weregonnabecoolbeans · 2 months

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I've been thinkin' too many thoughts about the clones recently...anyways...

If it had never been acknowledged in universe…I think I might’ve been able to ignore how unbelievably fucked up the whole clone army concept is

I might’ve been able to accept it as just a convenient plot point for the republic to have an army to use

That’s what most stories do…they use a faceless army of “disposable” soldiers so that viewers don’t get too upset when so many die in battles

It’s what keeps those stories from feeling too dark

Hell, the stormtroopers from the OT are one of the most famous examples of that

But the thing is…it is acknowledged in universe

Multiple characters on multiple occasions have pointed the fucked-up-ness of it all

Even Obi-Wan in the AOTC novel is kinda horrified at the concept when he sees the clones for the first time

And it’s soooo hard to look past that

Especially with the jedi…I find it so hard to accept that the jedi are able to just ignore and accept it once the army proves to be useful

And like, yeah, when I look at star wars as a whole I understand that a lot of inconsistencies like this are just an inevitability with massive franchises

But it gets super frustrating to hold onto my suspension of disbelief capabilities when these problems are literally mentioned to and acknowledged by the jedi

Especially because I mostly love the jedi

#I just have to remember that ‘just because’ is a perfectly okay reason for stuff in fiction #that not every thing that happens can be completely rational or else there wouldn’t be a story #If I don’t then I’ll constantly be getting in my own way #stopping myself from enjoying things that are supposed to be fun #Anyways I’m gonna go back to watching tcw now #and gaslight myself into believing that the clones have rights so I can keep supporting the jedi :)#but like seriously #millions of SENTIENT HUMAN BEINGS being engineered and grown in a lab #with the specific purpose of fighting in a war that they have absolutely ZERO say in #and the reason they’re seen as better than the NON SENTIENT droids is because they can think creatively #aka THEY ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE THEIR OWN MINDS AND THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS #and they literally have no choice but to fight in this war #not okay #at all #okay I'm gonna stop now or I'll lose my mind #btw I know the jedi weren't responsible for all that #but for the most part they were okay with and/or ignored that whole clones have no autonomy thing #:/#star wars #sw the clone wars #the clone wars #sw clones #sw gar #kamino #aotc #attack of the clones #obi wan kenobi #stormtroopers #clone troopers #jedi

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summertimemusician · 7 months

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Linktober (Shadow) 2023

Spirit

Welp turns out my exam season throughly steam rolled through my general Linktober plans, so you get this VERY late thing for now folks who find this, at least until I decide whether to continue this until I finish it even though it's no longer Linktober or if I'll make whatever other stories come later their own thing after exam season is over (mostly because the original for this one is my preferred draft, and that I feel the one for the Link/Dark Link prompt would be kind of wasted if it just sat there collecting dust cause I worked hard on the tension and horror there lord darn it, along with a few others mainly involving Fae Hyrule, Twilight, Time, First, among other Links like Legend, Sky, Warriors, just all of the boys, I wanted to give them all proper spotlight and still want to do that in any way I can). Welp. *Downs coffee like a shot* Also really need to find out how to make a Masterlist on mobile, figure out how AO3 works and answer asks.

Anyway, not really any warnings this time besides Reader Not Being Okay (par the course really) and angst.

As always can be read as either romantic or platonic, Reader is gender neutral on purpose, technically is meant to be read as either Hero's Shade Time x Reader or First x Reader mainly, but you can interpret it as any Link really lol

Good reading!

This corner of Faron Woods was quiet this time of year.

The woods were solemn in this Hyrule, the sliver of moonlight barely enough of a guide through the mist, it was silent but for the soft padding of animals through the underbrush and the howl of a wolf in the distance (not Wolfie's, not musical enough). The stars were your only company as you were separated from the group, the air was cold agaisnt your skin as you attempted to find your way.

Being alone in the forests of Hyrule never spelled anything good for anyone, but as you felt the brush of a hand tenderly twined in yours, the ghost of leather and the faint clinking of steel, and a faint glow of pale gold and ivory cutting through the veil of the night, mindful of roots you may trip onto and never flickering too far out of sight you couldn't feel safer, even if instead something like melancholy threatened to lock your throat with the chains of silence, you felt as warm as the soft twilight glow and as frigid as ice, frostburned with the bitter cold of your own warring emotions.

You can't help but chuckle a bit whille holding a old scabbard close to your heart, it's a wry sound, "It's been a while, hasn't it?"

There is no answer, of course there isn't, but you don't mind, you know he'll listen, thorns wrap around your heart and crawl up your throat, the smell of lilies and steel coats and sticks in your throat like honey, or maybe blood, "... I didn't think you'd show up, you know? I always considered the possibility but..." You trail off, you feel something brush your side, you can only see him in the corner of your eyes or with a passing glance, there but not, existing but gone, so you keep your eyes on the road and in the flicker of light, so you carefully don't look to your side, you don't think you could contain the shaking in your heart otherwise, to stare at inevitability and prophecy, "... I know, I know you're fine. At least for now, I apologize for all the trouble I gave you."

'It's alright. It could never be a hardship aiding you.', the voice echoes in your ears, and you swallow thickly, breath hitching, the warmth of the sun in the fields of Hyrule, the wind caressing your hair, the song of the animals in Faron Woods, someone holding you carefully, fondly. The warmth of your hand in his. Not really here, but not gone either, more feeling than true echo.

You chuckle, and try to pretend it's not a bit breathless, something like a wounded keen, "... You're too kind. Too, too kind, thank you."

Spirits in Hyrule never spell anything good, in this wild land of light and shadow in a gestalt of divinity. There are some exceptions though, even if it hurts to witness then. So you follow him through the dark, certain that as you've guided his way once, he'll lead you now to where you need to go.

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... The clearing he leads you to is open, but by no means truly quiet among the trees, there is no peace to be found for the armored skeleton here. You choke on sorrow, on unfinished business, on the cruelty of being brought to ruin and being denied peace, and you stumble towards the familiar figure, almost in a trance as your vision blurs, roots and thorny vines wrap over rusted armor and a thorn cape, the skeleton's void sockets piercing through your soul, illuminated by the solemn gaze of the wretched moon and it's uncaring maids of honor in the stars.

You fall to your knees near the decaying skeleton, biting back against the wounded sound that attempts to leave your throat with enough strenght to bleed, you lay the scabbard by his side with a bouquet of lilies and shiver at the gentle, phantom touch, so soft, so loving it almost leads you to ruin all over again.

'... It's foolish to grieve for someone who isn't gone yet.' the thought comes to you, yet you can't help it. You still hurt for him, you still hold onto the fury at the heavens themselves for denying them quietus. For denying them rest over and over and over again. To watch this cycle and be helpless to stop it all due to the will of uncaring gods.

Alive. Dead. Alive. Dead. Denied full rest over and over again, to watch the chance at rest to the kindest of souls found in this world you found yourself in.

You barely register the touch to your cheek, ephemeral as it is, as you can't help but shed tears, can't help but grieve. Because if you don't, who will?

You know by now that some wounds can never heal, some rifts can never be mended. Even with the guarantee of cyclic, eternal rebirth, some things never return to how they were. And reminding yourself of this inevitability to them will never not hurt, even if you know it's futile to blame anyone but the one god who started this, and maybe the goddess who stood complacent to it. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth that it'll one day come to this, that the frost of death and the sharpness of pain will leave a mark the sands of time can't scar over.

You reach a trembling hand towards the one in your cheek, try to find catharsis in the remains of decayed, dead yet ever eternal, ever growing love. And you breathe.

'We'll meet again. So do not mourn for me, please.'

You don't think you could deny him if you tried. Not when you know he's trying to soothe you, to thaw your sorrow. To allow your heart's healing to fallow.

"We will, I know. I'm sorry for making you worry." You chuckle, leaning into the cold, trying to brand the memory of the shadowed, but not gone love given to you so you can return it in kind. Just until you meet again, just until you can give all you can to his not yet decomposing self, grasping onto what remains of him, "I love you."

'I love you too. Until we meet again.'

The cold is gone, the echo of love leaves. And you breathe, and pretend you don't feel empty.

(When you see Link again, reuniting with the Chain on the next day's twilight. You hug him as tight as you can, and hope you he doesn't notice the tears in your eyes. And that you don't feel the lingering traces of a frigid embrace.

When no one is looking, you wave goodbye to the shade. And pray he dreams of warmer days until he finds quietus.)

#linked universe x reader #hero's shade x reader #linked universe time x reader #first x reader #hylia's chosen hero x reader #first link x reader #also know as What Happens When Summer Watches Corpse Bride after Playing MJM #I'll never not be emotional about the Hero's Shade and how it's an inevitability that Time will always die relatively young #how First died alone in the surface and likely never got a proper burial #And the fact we never learn what happens to the heroes after the task is done and THE ONE INSTANCE #we do is to learn they died young in some manner (ex Time. The Link before Hyrule. First.#Probably Twilight if we go by the theory Wolfie in BOTW is a spirit sent to help Wild #Technically pre calamity Wild because losing your memories is technically death of identity although that's for another story #and related to Lost #Most of the more effective LoZ games present themselves as either dark fairy tales and I'm running with that concept #Plus it's literally LEGEND of Zelda. Hardly do things end well for protagonists in actual legends and mythology involving gods #I think I have a right to worry #Anyway I'll probably elaborate more later because I'm tired lol #gotta perish to tackle studying and THEN be free to start on the pages long LU/LoZ essays /jk #unless?#we'll see #summer writes linktober 2023 #summer writes linktober shadow 2023 #summer writes #this short fic was also brought to you by the death holiday we have here in my country because it always makes me sad #and thinking of the Hero's Shade and what happens to First basically made it Depression times 100 lol

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theinfinitedivides · 4 months

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PATHAAN F*CKING 2 BITCH

#film: pathaan #pathaan #srk #shah rukh khan #bollywood #local gay watches Bollywood.txt #word on the street is Pathaan 2 starts production end of this year God pls. let it be true pls let it happen so it can wipe out the #trainwreck that will inevitably be Don 3 if the 2025 release date for the latter holds. not that i hate Ranveer yk i'm just salty about #the sacrilege that is replacing the king of Bollywood. it's fine #speaking of Ranveer extra word on the street is that he and Deepika might be expecting their first child. not like i trust anything #from the gossip rags in that department i need to see an announcement by the people themselves or it didn't happen #but. BUT. if it is true. i'll literally lose my sh*t like yes the manifestation of DeepVeer blessings continue let's go

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crystalleoi · 1 year

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5C

#inanimate insanity #ii mephone5 #ii mephone5c #my art #listen man. these two (+ 5S) are like inherently connected in my mind. even though they've never met canonically #created by a man who does not truly care about them or their well-being and only values them bc they are still new and useful to him #& died trying to kill their predecessor. but their efforts wouldn't have mattered anyway because they would've been replaced in like a year #did they know they would be replaced? did they just have to live with the knowledge that they would one day no longer matter to cobs?#these tags r only tangentially related to the artwork. i'm losing it i fear #anyway a headcanon that's actually kinda related to this art:#i imagine that cobs gave more preferential treatment to 5S because he had more advanced tech nd stuff #and 5C developed like a weird relationship w her self-esteem where she (like the other mephones) kind of has an inflated ego #she readily compliments herself (literally called herself “the most colorful beauty in existence”)#(partially bc she's kinda compensating for not getting as much praise from cobs as 5S)#(i also think she tends to seek validation from others (e.g. “i'm made of plastic. neat huh?”) because of that)#but she doesn't talk up how advanced her tech is because it's from Last Year #you don't understand how long this headcanon has been microwaving in my mind. it's been YEARS. i've never unleashed it until now #it's probably stupid but WHATEVER MAN. i'll overanalyze these phones as much as i want #this is what happens when your favorite characters show up in like 1 episode and die. you go insane

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infinitelystrangemachinex · 1 month

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Come on, you know you want to, give us the character bingo for Viktor.

don't mind if i doooo

#ask me #okay there's a lot going on here but first things first #viktor has transcended the favorite character tier where I want to protect him or whatever #like yeah he did that shit! I support him but I also don't! the more trouble he gets himself into the happier I'll be!#do you feel me #like one of the things I love most about Viktor is that I feel so much sympathy for the circumstances he's in that are out of his control #but he has so much agency in his own story that everything he's gained and accomplished are because he makes choices #and GETS HIMSELF places #and now the same thing is happening with his BAD choices and I find that just as delightful if not moreso #he is the agent of his own salvation and his own destruction and I will be in the front row seat with popcorn for both or either #so writing him is mostly me studying him under the microscope poking him until he does something untoward it's very fun #I only hesitantly say that Viktor is like me but the Balkan ties and the grumpy-but-kind and obsessive personality #and the strong opinions about a chosen STEM field #are inescapable okay #mommy issues is not circled because I have mommy issues but bc I have convinced myself that Viktor WILL have them #if Nikola Tesla is anything to go by #the jayce-mel-viktor trifecta is ruled by mommy issues and i will stand by that claim #also viktor is more interesting with no therapy - with as little therapy as possible would be my preference #WITH THE EXCEPTION of the lonely genius shit that Singed planted in his head #that is absolutely the lie that Viktor believes that he MUST discard in order to progress as a character and I am excited for it #I genuinely think that Viktor will be happier and more eccentric as [REDACTED] but it won't last #he will hit a VERY LITERAL -if thy right hand offend thee cut it off- situation and then he'll have peace but he won't call it happiness #I can't say that I'd hate anyone who hurt him because that is half of why I'm excited for s2 #but I will probably lose it at any scene where he loses to [REDACTED] for rivalry reasons #I genuinely do want to see Mel completely own his ass as [REDACTED] though like can you imagine the banter #and both of them secretly having fun with it

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swinging-stars-from-satellites · 10 months

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it's like. everything happens so much. it's all happening right now but at the same time nothing is happening whatsoever. it's a liminal space of an existence. it's slowly crushing me under the weight but when I look up there's nothing actually bearing down on me. there shouldn't be any weight. something is wrong but nothing has happened. I'm simultaneously overwhelmed and utterly bored. nothing is happening and maybe that's the everything that's happening. maybe the everything is the nothing. we aren't there yet but it's all so imminent. either everything is going to crash down or nothing is. I'm just waiting to figure out which.

#I refuse to be upset at anyone. I have so much love in my heart #but I'm going to pack formal clothes for my sister in my own bag just in case. she doesn't need to know that.#you couldn't pay me to care or to stop caring. it's cognitive dissonance #because I know this won't always affect me but it's my whole world right now #I say I don't care and I mean it but at the same time I care more than anything else #it's actually almost scary how much I relate to dark alley #not in a ''I'm in a mentally dark or dangerous place'' way but in a ''yeah I compare myself to others too much'' way #and then I try to make excuses so it can make sense to other people so they won't think the worst of me #like literally I'm trying not to think about fall but it's right around the corner and I'm. falling into it I guess #pun intended of course. I don't want to lose all my friends #I want to be one of the kids who gets invited to people's houses for lunch after church and I know I never will be #because that's the kind of thing that's only for the kids who are going someplace. not the ones who stay #I'm feeling very selfish and it's probably bc I'm tired lol this happens sometimes #I'm gonna make dinner for my family and then I'll feel better skskskskk #Lu rambles #sometimes I think I could write poetry #I feel like once my vacation is actually imminent I'll feel better I just haaate the point we're at right now #which is like. it's SOON but not THAT SOON so I feel like I can't do anything bc I'm just waiting for things to get going :/

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thelastspeecher · 3 days

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btw I'm taking a break from testing fructose stuff rn, in case anyone was worried I'm still doing that massive weighty task while dealing with a kinda hell week.

don't worry. I'm gonna restart when I feel like I can expend the spoons to try the reintroduction phase again. right now, I'm avoiding the three triggers I've found so far and otherwise eating how I like.

#I sorta have to give up on it for now #my response to stress is typically to lose all my appetite #usually just a case of not being hungry but during the esp bad times like rn #literally my stomach will be growling and I can't stand the idea of a single bite of food #and when this happens I can only get my calories through drinks. smoothies are the best option.#which isn't really an option if I'm avoiding fructose triggers.#so not only do I have to drop the fructose stuff for my mental health rn #if I want to get any reasonable level of calories and nutrition in me I need to drop it so I can have smoothies #and I have been! having smoothies that is. it's actually quite enjoyable given how long I've had to go without them for the fructose thing.#today's smoothie was just mid. tasted like grass. probably bc it had kale and avocado in it.#but I'm excited about the one I'll be getting tomorrow. I've already decided.#(there's a smoothie place not too far away that opened up recently and I'm having fun trying different flavors)#speechie sucks at health #whine whine whine

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to-be-a-dreamer · 2 years

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I'm going to be in Europe during May and I will have the opportunity to go to London which means if Newsies gets another extension I might actually have a chance to see it in person and I'd just like to apologize in advance for the person I will become if that happens.

#i'm losing my mind just at the IDEA of seeing it live i swear #a lot of things would need to happen for me to be able to go cause i'll be in freaking germany #and my study abroad program requires us to travel in groups of three or more for independent travel #so i need to bully two of my classmates into using one of our three free weekends to go to london with me #but there's a CHANCE and that's all i need #i will literally sob that's not an exaggeration #newsies #newsies live #west endsies #newsies uk

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ilostyou · 1 year

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lallaaalalala just some things on my mind

#this has been a rant #<- in advance. im going off in the tags. xo #getting close to making a decision abt doctoral programs is STRESSING ME OUT even tho i think ik which i'll choose #one ik will be a good school environment and will be manageable but the other has much. better training and will prep me for #literally anything i could want to do with a whole ass doctorate afterwards when im licensed #next thing. i fucking hate that i have no clue what i look like objectively lmfao. losing weight is great and all (healthy) but #it's fucking with my idea of myself even more than it ever was bc. now it's a 'bad' thing that some things look big on me #(bc THEY FUCKING ARE lol) like today i ended up buying some clothes and yay great but like. my mom was like #yeah so you can wear these instead of what. ur wearing now bc that's gotten big on you etc #and im just ksjghdf it's just a little baggy and also i like it?? but ok whatevesjkdkfdhkh i like the. new ones too im juyst. ??#just in general there's always gonna be Something yknow? annoying. anyway #next thing is that im away w family rn and lovemy fam love spending time with them but it;'s been TWO DAYS and im already #losing......so much patience with some people like. my younger cousins. im. GRR.and i love having some other people around #but we're meeting up w the rest of our group tom and we'll basically be DOUBLE in size for the next week plus and im so #nervous that i'm already at my last nerve with everyone adn that i'll be too overwhelmed/tired/etc that i won't enjoy the rest of the trip #next thing is that it's WILD graduation is literally in six weeks but so mmuch has to happen before then it's making me dizzy #other side note thing im beyond excited to see taylor and have weird anxiety about it but meh. im fucking PUMPED #another thing. it's someones bday tomorrow who ive had a Rough year with (ive mentioned stuff abt them before) and it's just. weird feeling #i dont rem if they even texted me for my bday now im curious im gonna go look lmfao but. obv i'll text them anyway #it's just ... lots of weird feeling thinking abt how much has changed in a year with them. shrug #ok maybe that's it woo

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yuribalisms · 2 years

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promise this is my last time bitching about all of this ignore it but

#really truly and genuinely just don't want to exist right now every time i think this situation cannot get worse it somehow manages to #i just cried at the dmv and the lady just glared at me like i was the scum of the earth like maam i don't even cry around people #i trust i don't *want* to be crying right now i'm *sorry* okay i just don't know what to do i got given the wrong forms and papers and i #tried explaining all of that and she just looked at me like i was an *idiot* and wouldn't help me with *anything* it was so humiliating #i can't drive the temporary car until it has plates because if i get pulled over for that it's a $500 fine and if i get hit with that on top #of everything else i literally don't know what i'll do i'll probably end up losing my license #but if i can't drive the car i can't go to work and i also can't afford to not go to work right now #i literally feel sick all the time i can't sleep the last few times i've tried to eat anything i feel like throwing it up #and i just feel... so hopeless right now everything i'm trying isn't working or i think i'm getting somewhere and i hit another wall #and one of the most upsetting parts is i feel like no one is helping me and no one cares how hard i'm struggling right now #i literally just want to be allowed to be upset over this but when i got visibly upset at home everyone accused me of taking my frustrations #out on them and being self pitying and 'it could always be worse'#like i don't even know at this point but if i hear the words 'could always be worse' one more time i'm going to maul the person who says the #no one wants me to be upset that's too much to deal with i am *never* allowed to be upset i just want to vent about how shitty this is and #scream and cry at the unfairness of it for a little bit but literally *no one* is letting me do that #'it could always be worse so stop complaining' or if i am visibly upset at all all that matters is it's inconveniencing or upsetting to the #other person.... not that i'm struggling or need help or anything like that #i just want it to be OVER i want it to end i'm so sick of this every time i feel like i'm scraping to somewhere managable in life #something like this happens and this is the scariest and most upsetting thing yet #and i'm not even allowed to be frustrated or upset or sad or angry because then someone else is upset and that matters more than me #so it all built up and a cried at the dmv and every one stared at me like i was annoying and stupid and i want to KILL MYSELF #i want to melt into the ground i want to stop existing i don't want a single person to talk to me because i hate everything right now #but i also desperately want to actually say all of this to a person and them not get mad at me for and tell me it IS unfair it DOES suck and #i didn't deserve this shitty thing that happened or all the other shitty things that happened beforehand #i would also appreciate just pretending it wasn't a thing for a few hours and doing something enjoyable to me with a friend or two...#but that also feels far fetched and then i would feel guilty for not trying to fix this 24/7 even though at this point there's literally #nothing else i could do #i'm just.... so tired and so SO upset and i feel like nobody cares that i'm upset and i'm so sick of EVERYTHING #i'm tired of living

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confinesofmy · 2 years

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hate the new trend this year where i'll feel bad so i'll tick all the normal boxes: "are you hungry? are you thirsty? are you sleepy? are you clean? have you interacted with another person lately?" and then i'll bring out the big guns: hot bath, craft, comfort media, distracting video game, walk outside, miscellaneous hobby. but then i'll still be going fucking nuts. like What Am I Supposed To Do lol. i feel like a fucking ant under a microscope.

#maybe every two weeks? this will happen and i'll spend a couple days losing my shit #then it just goes away and i'm like phew okay cool glad that's over now #i don't know if this is the cee pee tee ehs dee or bi polar but like.... a process is clearly occurring here....#it doesn't matter what's going on in my life or what i do there's clearly an internal timer for this shit #i just know that if i describe it to a professional they're gonna be like 'ah yes the crazy wazy once-a-fortnight brain-is-on-fire disease'#it's just bi polar right like i'm literally just describing bi polar #i have got to get evaluated #adams year from hell

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elytrafemme · 2 years

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i am either going to be the most responsible adult when i move out for college or, like, the most destructive mess of a person ever ya Allah 😭

#nightmare.personal #like on one hand I'll have so much more independence to like. buy things without having to explain what they Are #and get the instagram app and like ! i don't know exist #on the other hand I am absolutely not getting my ass through college entirely sober Jesus Christ #literally nothing is going right now and I feel crazy and it's like. this is probably the most uninteresting singular moment in my-#whole life i am just SITTING HERE nothing is even HAPPENING and i'm like. About to lose my mind #ask to tag

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onrainynights · 2 years

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help

#had a breakdown today. cried at work and went home after lunch. I hate this fucking stutter #and I hate what it's done to my confidence #I already didn't like small talk and talking to people but at least I could physically do it #every day someone asks if I'm doing better and every day I say no because my stutter isn't going away #add on top of that cramps a migraine and some fun new joint pain and you have a recipe for disaster #anyway if I miss even a little bit more work in the next four months I'll lose my job #literally the ONLY reason I haven't already quit because of the stutter is my cat #he's really sick and it's expensive to take care of him right now #and my parents just can't afford to keep him alive without me helping financially #I swear to god if I lose him. I literally don't know what I'd do but I've been suicidal in the past #and I'm worried I'd become so again if he died anytime soon #guys july sucks. new least favorite month #so much bad shit has happened since july started #suicide mention #this was a vent in the tags post brought to you by my declining mental and physical health

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