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crystalwitch222 · 11 months

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~Life Update~

First of all I want to say thank you to everyone that follows my ADHD Soul blog and thank you to everyone that follows my gaming content content I appreciate all the support ❤️

Here’s an update on life..animal job didn’t work out it didn’t help the depressive slump I’ve been in. The way they trained wasn’t great and it’s the fact that there was no actual manager just a bunch of young ppl working there. For learning some things my type of brain half ass training doesn’t work for me I need hands on learning or might need a little extra to learn something but once I learn whatever sometimes I exceed expectations and try to be perfectionist. So losing job was a real let down for me. I sometimes wonder if I should’ve mentioned the ADHD thing but would it really hurt or help me and sometimes I wonder if I should get a letter or something from my doctor that could protect me from being let go or certain treatment at work. So that job ended in March/February. It wasn’t till December I decided to give another job a chance I actually was hired on the spot it was another shoe store I was so excited but everything wasn’t as it seemed I was supposed to be hired as full time and then apparently it turned it I wasn’t. They are weird about taking breaks sometimes like most places I’ve worked you are required to take a 30 min lunch and a 10/ 15 min small break if you work 5 or more hours even working just 4 gets you 10/15 mins. If it’s really busy some managers prefer you to eat while working. Like no sorry sometimes ppl need to sit down like we ac right now either. This company the way things are ran is more competitive and just different from the last shoe store I worked at We got a new store manager just seems colder more old school. It just makes me miss my old shoe store even more…

My old shoe store job had closed during covid. We all never officially everyone never said goodbye to each other and It was at a new location I had been at for about 6 months and didn’t accomplish everything I wanted to/ dealing with mean girl type of drama & as still processing the fact that I lost my original store I started out at I originally didn’t want to relocate and stop being the assistant manager. We lost another store manager ( losing the first one was real hard for me too ) so they thought it was best to move me to a more heavy volume store to be a sales lead manager. I felt like my time was cut short as an ASM and I felt like I wasn’t always taken seriously and their communication sucked at the end and tbh when I look back on it I was younger I could’ve used a little more training with some things but still their communication could’ve been better talking goes both ways. I’ll talk more about it another time.

After the shoe store company closed my little fun nameless part time job became my main job.. I fought through bs to became a supervisor at a new high volume location I knew store manager for a long time worked with him at multiple locations I even once called him my friend. Working there turned into a nightmare toxic work environment bc the assistant manager has it out for me but tbh she ends up having a problem with everyone there was always something wrong.. Then there was other stuff but more of that later.. yes I told my store manager after holidays that I wanted to be done but I was upset I thought he was my friend is that no reason to ever call or text an employee when they took a leave of absence when they get sick with covid ? No one ever reached out to me to see how I was doing so I thought they didn’t want me to come back so I never went back and a few months later my store manager who I thought was my friend blocked me on Snapchat. I’m still trying to live with my decision that I never reached out and still debating if I ever will… I wonder if I was put as fired and not rehire able.. i was great at my job I really loved the job itself just not the location in the end.. then sometimes I do miss my friend… who was my store manager..this was the first ever place to really inspire to be a manager run a place have a business this was the first place I wanted to be a manager at. For months I thought about texting him but I couldn’t do it I don’t know why or how I became this way but it got to a point at work where I stopped texting my manager every time there was a problem it just got tiring.

So it’s been a rocky road with work places every job has its negatives and not every job will have bad management. So all that is kinda what lead to my slump along with at the beginning of it all I had a condition that acting up again but I deal with it the best I can with diet and supplements. It’s called IC/PBS ( interstitial Cystitis / painful bladder syndrome ) on top that I think have OAB 😭

So here am I figuring out what to do next no health insurance might be diabetic

Right after leaving nameless job I got back into gaming started giving streaming a try and start making gaming content I’m still doing it but it can only distract me so much now and bring me so happiness but I’ll keep doing it bc I know there are ppl that enjoy my content and if it brings somebody some sort of joy that that makes me happy too. Who knows maybe one of my videos will blow up someday one of them once got 50k views. At one point I was streaming everyday I’ll possibly get back to that we”ll see. Also trying to get back into writing and blogging more check out my ADHD Soul blogs on Tumblr and Reddit . Also enjoy photography and started wire wrapping crystals thinking about possibly selling some. Check out my Instagram to see @crystalwitch_22 We”ll see. Thanks for reading.

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nomdy-plume · 5 years

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Have you seen ‘Inside Llewyn Davis’?

It’s a good job I don’t post a new blog every week – I’d have nothing to talk about.

Whereas, leaving it a few months between updates, I have LOTS to cover. You ready? Let’s begin:

Since returning from Texas, I have completed a month’s contract onboard another ferry, after my management were kind enough to offer me a way out of short-term pecuniary disenfranchisement. It was the sister-ship of the one that I normally find myself on and I’m pleased to say that it was the better of the two: the indoor smoking room (I no longer smoke) was a [much larger and better equipped] gym and the gym room was a very plush TV room with a full satellite package.

Given the cricket world cup was taking place during my contract, it was wonderful to be the only person on the ship who wasn’t busy working during the day. I had the whole TV room to myself (about 25 yards from the mess, food, drink, etc.) to indulge in what was an amazing tournament.

On my last two contracts I was playing in the main theatre (in the belly of the ship) with a party band but for a month I was providing troubadour, solo, action upstairs in the Sky lounge – my first contract as a soloist. After an initial knee-jerk reaction to accepting the contract of downloading a ton of backing tracks, so I could provide a range of musical options, I realised pretty quickly that this was completely unnecessary.

Performing 4x 30min sets a night: I started out by planning 3 days’ worth of unique sets, which I figured I could adjust and tinker with until I was happy with how they all worked out. Slow, mellow ones to start with before whipping the crowd into a frenzy with sing-a-long classics later on in the night. I think I had about 150 songs in my solo repertoire to choose from and it’s basically about 7 or 8 songs a set (depending on how long I drag them out for).

It was the usual mix of songs that I know I can play and sing – which work in a solo setting – and a desperate grab for as many other suitable songs which I could learn or which I really wanted to try out acoustically.

However, pretty early in the contract, one of the ladies on security in the port was kind enough to pass on her head cold to me. My throat was soon swollen enough for me to ask my Entertainments Manager (EM) if it would be OK if I just played some instrumental stuff until my voice was better. His reaction – reading between the lines, and the indifferent shrug – told me that he couldn’t care less what I did as long as I was up there making some form of noise for my allotted times.

Now, this meant that the bar staff / bar manager in my venue must have been happy with what they had heard of me so far: they are always the ones to complain if something isn’t working or going to plan. This pleased me: the bar staff have to listen to the solo act over and over and over again, every night for weeks on end, so whereas the passengers might only hear one or two performances, the staff will hear every single one.

They become very sensitive to how good/bad people are in both their playing and their selection of material – normally the lack of it. 150 songs might seem a lot, but that’s only 5 days worth before you repeat yourself IF you stick to playing every song.

Anyway, to cut to the chase, I quickly got the 30 min sets down to 3 or 4 songs – only two of which I might sing on. I needed to come up with a few more jazz instrumentals to bluff my way through as the staff were hearing Autumn Leaves and Blue Bossa every night, and I don’t want to drive them too mad…

It was a good exercise in needing to be creative with a looper pedal as well as figuring out which of my repertoire I could drag out for around ten mins with solos before and after each verse/chorus…

It meant that I could reduce the songs on which I did sing down to a select, polished group. It was a great relief to know that I could just throw down a loop and meander whimsically around some melodic lines for the duration of the sets. Audience were happy, bar staff were happy – I was over the moon!

The audiences were a mixed bag. Most were very receptive: in the warm summer evenings, the top lounge where I played was the place to be. Plus it is right next to the open smoking decks – so there have been some good numbers of bodies in, most of the time. They don’t seem to mind me in the corner with a looper pedal just noodling away and I’ve been able to play all the requests thrown my way so far. The German passengers seem extra friendly and receptive – apparently they LOVE a bit of Dire Straits, which suits me right down to the ground because so do I.

As per most contracts, there were times when a small, appreciative crowd were loving everything I was playing – just as there were times when a large, unappreciative crowd couldn’t have cared less what I was doing. In my final week, I was determined to give it everything I had in those final shows – I poured my heart and soul into everything I did. And no-one noticed, cared or gave a hoot.

Such is life!

Some nights I sucked, didn’t want to be there… some nights I was on fire, didn’t want it to end… I had a ton of fun, even if it didn’t feel like it all the time. I also got to head into Amsterdam a couple of times which was wonderful, it’s possibly my favourite European city and I’ve spent so many hours wandering around the canals and streets.

There’s a breakfast café very near the station which always – ALWAYS! – has a queue of about 10-15 people waiting to get in. It’s called Omelegg and I’ve always wanted to know what the food is like in there… all the online reviews say it’s incredible… my lifetime quest to find out for myself continueth…

The party band who were onboard were a nice bunch. They were in the lamentable – but not uncommon – position of joining the ship with a guitarist who was young, naïve and completely unprepared for the contract. However, he was a nice, well-meaning guy and the others didn’t seem to be willing to cuss him out: they were kind of hand-holding him through the contract. Bless.

Bands are responsible for making sure they know what they are doing, are rehearsed, etc. and apparently this kid had known for a year that he was doing it. Sounds like his reasoning was as follows (taken from ad verbatim quotes from the band):

· I’m the best guitarist at my university

· I can play anything and I can sing a bit

· I should be able to figure out / jam along to whatever the band play

I was torn: between admiring the sheer, bare-faced audacity of naïve youth and gobbling popcorn at the eye-widening, car-crash drama of it all. I managed to catch a few of their songs – when our set-times overlapped a little – and it was, indeed, painful to witness.

I wish I could say that I hadn’t been there before, in his shoes (albeit under slightly different circumstances), but I had. All I can say is that if you survive a baptism of fire like that and STILL want to pursue it as a career, you’ve already displayed enough courage and determination/perseverance to almost guarantee some level of success. It is being right at the bottom of a very steep, painful learning curve.

I also loved my Ibanez jazzy hollow-body guitar on this contract, too. I bought it in Hong Kong a few years back (the Tom Lee store there is incredible: an Aladdin’s cave of guitar goodness) and hadn’t really touched it since. I wasn’t sure if the contract would stipulate ‘acoustic-only’ – but that was me being overly cautious. Not only does it sound great – that oaky, woody, jazzy sound you’d expect from that style of guitar – but it plays so much more easily than anything else I own.

And, because you guys are always most interested in the tragic, nerve-wracking, up-and-down drama of my life as a musician, I’ll fill you in on current events.

I’d been lining up a contract for later in the year, back onboard the last cruise ship where we did the acoustic duo gig. This time as the party band, which – although fraught with its own logistical challenges – was at least a contract on the table. Indeed, I had digitally signed and returned it and was relieved to have another 5 months of work booked in to keep my head afloat.

However, the delightful and immensely-talented LT had previously – and both I and the drummer were loosely aware of this – auditioned for a cruise line which paid nearly twice the money for not quite half the work, but certainly a much more agreeable working environment.

So, it was with a sense of dread and doom that we read her message saying that she had been offered a contract with this other cruise line and we weren’t going to be able to tag along. We weren’t going to do the contract without her and we all knew that she was destined for greater things than earning minimum wage with no days off for five months.

So, here I am under fairly intense financial pressures and no work on the horizon. It’s all very Inside Llewyn Davis, which pleases and disgusts me in equal measures. On the plus side, in my attempts to get some sort of a side-gig going, I’ve done some work as an extra on a major Netflix production which was being filmed in Wales. It’ll be out later this year, I’m hoping to get some screen time – it’ll be something to laugh about with my family.

So yeah, there’s the update. I may leave it as long again to allow enough to occur to make it a riveting read… but then I don’t have much on at the moment and may end up publishing frequently as a means to pass the time…

*salutes*

#music #musician #guitar

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krobuss · 6 years

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nerds

Word Count: 1000~ || Time Taken: 30 mins.

Summary: I couldn't decide between Outdoors and Recording so I did both. This is messy and I'll tweak it when I'm not in pain.

Tags: @septiplierweek

<->-<->

The best thing to ever happen to YouTubers had to be the vlog. It was easy to do, pretty easy to edit together, and it was still somehow intriguing to audiences. When Mark went to visit Jack in Brighton for a month, vlogs were something he fell onto hard when the gaming videos in storage ran out and he felt bad asking to borrow Jack's place (even though he did once or twice).

Today was no exception.

Mark turned on the camera, too tired to care for the awkward angles or the fact that Jack was clinging to him with every intention on staying under the covers. There was nothing obscene about the image, just two dudebros cuddling in the same bed with messy hair.

Mark yawned, rubbing at his eyes before speaking in a low voice. "It is currently 6:00 in the morning, Sean is not letting me get out of bed and honest to God, I am going to murder this alarm clock for not letting me sleep in. It's been two weeks in Brighton and this damn thing hasn't let me adjust at all since I've got here. At this point, I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is a demonic entity that likes to torture poor souls with loud alarm clocks." Jack mumbled something and Mark adjusted the camera, placing it on the bedside table so it could continue recording but only have the alarm clock in its view. "Jack, wake up, we have stuff to do."

"No."

"You're the one that sets up that godawful thing, suffer the consequences."

Another whine, some shuffling, and a thump later and Mark was facing the camera towards him again, grinning. They walked out of the room anf to the kitchen. "He kicked me off of the bed. I'm going to get some coffee for us to hopefully lift up his mood." The footage cut off.

The next scene of the video was taking place in the kitchen. Sunlight was streaming in through the windows and both males sat in their pajamas at the table, eating some breakfast.

"I made the coffee but Jack here made the food and the Irish must have some magic in them because these are the best eggs I've ever had and he made them the same way everybody does."

"You're just biased because you love me."

"I do, don't I?" They shared a smile before Mark wad talking to the camera again. "Today we're gonna go to an amusement park that opened up nearby. Apparently, the rollercoasters in the UK are 'so much better' than the ones in America." He spoke with quotation marks and an eye roll, throwing a grin across his shoulder at Jack's offended look.

"They are! Prepare your socks to be completely blown off," Jack shouted shortly before shoveling a piece of bacon into his mouth, grinning like a mad man. Mark rolled his eyed with a smile, before turning the camera off.

Another cut and they were walking along a sidewalk, a fence behind them and people trying to desperately avoid the camera's view. Both boys were combed, clean, and dressed, the weather sunny despite most of the days being cloudy.

"It's been raining the past few days so I know for a fact that this sun is a blessing sent specifically for us to have a good time." Jack waved at the camera with his free hand, the other one clasped in Mark's. His chin settled uncomfortably onto Mark's shoulder and the half-Korean couldn't help that his cheeks warmed.

"Everything is going our way; I can't wait to see how things get fucked over," Jack giggled, deciding it too hard to be walking on a crowded sidewalk, hold hands with Mark, and keep his chin up on the other's shoulder. "I have this little umbrella just in case things go to shit for me."

"You're only going to cover yourself? What if I have cotton candy and it starts raining?" Mark said, already pouting. Upon hearing Jack say he'll take the cotton candy with him under the umbrella, Mark pouted more just as the video cut off again.

The next minute of the video was a compliation of pictures the two took of each other: eating food, getting onto the rollercoaster, Jack regretting getting onto said rollercoaster, winning prizes, losing money, a lot of blurry shots of the two screaming together and particularly dizzying rides. The last photo contained the two cuddling up in what fans assumed to be a tunnel of love, smiles on both of their faces. The photo faded out to Jack holding the camera, eyes bright and corners of his mouth turned up, both of them sitting on a couch as a movie played in the background.

"So, Mark, what did we learn?"

"That you absolutely suck at not puking on rollercoasters." The smile turned into a scowl and Mark recieved a punch on the arm, both boys giggling. "But, America does need to step up its game on rollercoasters."

"So I was right?"

"I've said this like, twenty times, Sean, you were right! I can't believe you're filming my defeat for the sake of watching it again later on."

"I'm recording because you said you were too tired to give them any other footage! If I happen to catch you saying I'm right while doing it, well--" The camera jostled and fell onto the ground, the only thing visible was the leg of a coffee table and two pairs of feet covered in socks.

"If that's broken, you're paying me back for it."

"Will a kiss be enough payment?"

A pause. "Well, I mean, it's a start."

A mumble came before a muffled giggling but the video cut off at that moment and, an hour after it's publishing, fans deemed the audio too quiet to decipher. That was just as well

#hi envy c:#septiplier #my writing #writing #i forgot the tag #uhhhh #septiplierweek2018 #long post

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tinkdw · 7 years

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12x22: Dean Winchester is going to die

Well, when I was new, I wrote a whole post about this, about how early episodes but especially 12x11 foreshadowed that Performing!Dean was going to be deconstructed by the end of the season... Fans self.

The death of Performing!Dean in this episode was BEAUTIFUL. It was EXQUISITE. I couldn't have asked for MORE!

I literally grabbed and punched @amwritingmeta in the leg I don't know how many times as I paused it to point and shout.

1. The Grenade Launcher

So, the grenade launcher = performing!Dean metaphor. We had hoped and boy did they deliver! Did anyone else notice, while Dean was *ahem* knocking down the seemingly unpenetrable physical walls, that, maybe it was my weird link, but it seemed to me that the flashing ‘red’ lights in the MoL bunker were decidedly pinky-purpley in colour rather than standard alarm bells red and the flashlights glowed on the blue side of white... (the MoL HQ lights are also brightly pinky-purple to keep the theme going, I mean honestly what self respecting 1950s MoL guy chose this for the bunker instead of the usual red? Please!) Just saying.

“It wasn't long ago I thought we had it made. We had Cas back, we had mom back. I mean it wasn't perfect but still...”. This is it. Dean’s facade has been coming down all season, but at this point now, he just doesn’t see the point in holding it up anymore.

And what does Sam do? HE OPENS UP TO DEAN. He tells Dean how he feels, the reasons why he followed the MoL - that it was “easier than leading”, that he made a mistake. This enables Dean to be truthful himself, in the end, now. Again, they have had many times to reflect on their own deaths but this is another time similar to 11x23 where he can really reflect on what he has lost, and now what is that? Cas and Mary.

Dean uses the grenade launcher, that he’s been dying to do since forever, blows down the impenetrable seeming wall, saves the day. How meta do we need to go? It’s BLATANT. The choice in the colour of the lights, the dialogue, his feelings... the walls are Dean’s facade and the grenade launcher is his way of breaking it down. YES. This has been building all season and much prior to this other meta writers have said that he grenade launcher is associated with Dean’s hidden side, his bisexuality, Destiel etc... this is meta gold, THIS is a meta aspect Dabb was talking about. Toni even then parallels the tearing down of Mary’s mental wall with Dean’s physical use of the grenade launcher, just moments after. It is so well put together :D

Also, I have long believed that the bunker had to go. It represents too much the MoL side of things and the whole ‘living below ground’ thing is way too underground / metaphorically bad. For me they need a real, healthy home which is in between Bobby’s hunter house and the MoL bunker. Hopefully they will find a nice modern MoL home with kit but that isn't so hidden above ground somewhere next season to take over and make their own :D

2. Sam the MoL leader

“Real hunting isn’t just about killing, it’s about doing whats right... I want you to follow me”. We have wanted this for Sam all season, the MoL story fits his personal arc so well (so did Eileen, still bitter), this is Sam’s endgame. Sam said just moments earlier that he didn’t want to lead, but now he is, because it is necessary and because he is good at it. I believe he will now see that this is what he wants and will work towards this for his endgame.

This then leads to...

3. Dean and Sam - ending the brodependency and Dean as Sam’s parent

Dean lets Sam go, the dialogue is amazing. “You’re ready for this... you got this” paralleled with an actual mom/daughter conversation between Jody and Alex.

Dean literally talks to Sam like a parent letting their child go off to college and I had to pause this for a long long moment to process and scream “they’re actually going there!” not even knowing what was coming next... man...

Then comes the Mary / Dean scene.

4. Dean and Mary

This was always going to be what Mary led to for Dean’s arc. After Amara had started this addressing of Dean’s facade in season 11 and Mary is basically an extension of Amara this season re: Dean (in the same way that she still has to influence Sam’s arc re: Lucifer, that is for next season). I LOVED how BLATANT and textual they made this, the actual lack of subtext because it was all in the ACTUAL TEXT!

Firstly, Dean considers letting Toni go, which I had expected, to show the difference between our boys (morality) and the MoL as monsters.

Then... “Dad was just a shell...I had to be a father and a mother to keep him safe, and that wasnt fair, and I couldnt do it, and you wanna know what that was like? They killed the girl that he loved, he got possessed by Lucifer, they tortured him in hell and he lost his soul...But I forgive you, for everything.” MY HEART!

Ok, yeah, they did the thing, they brought Jess up 30 mins before killing the guy that Dean loves after not mentioning her for.... A DECADE? And paralleling one of the few scenes we ever saw her in with Dean/Cas too? After we already had the parallel with Dean seeing Cas when driving along, same as Sam did? So, only the scene of Sam and Jess in the bar and the scene where Dean actually meets her haven't been paralleled now with Dean/Cas? I’M LIVING!

But seriously. The rest is exactly what we, the audience needed to understand Dean and to show casual viewers Dean’s inner angst in order to understand the facade coming down, this is exactly what Dean needed. He has come full circle, this is the start of the culmination of the end of Performing!Dean (which Jensen has no said at Jibcon will be furthered in season 13!).

Dean actually TELLS Mary in his mind that he hates her, but that he loves her. That he had to be Sam’s mother and father, and that it wasn't FAIR. This is so important, that he didnt just say that it happend and that it sucked, but that it wasn't FAIR and that he did not DESERVE IT.

This is Dean addressing not just his mother but how HE feels about it, how he feels about HIMSELF, that he is saying that he DESERVES MORE and has SELF WORTH.

These are all the words I have been using since 12x01 re: Dean . I’m so happy!

5. Ketch kills Toni, Mary kills Ketch after Dean beats him to a pulp, PERFECT, Jody kills Hess, again perfect.

This had to happen to keep our boys on the ‘don't kill humans unless they HAVE to’ side, especially after Dean considered letting Toni go. Thank you.

6. Winchester family reunion

Sam’s forgiveness of Mary, Dean’s reaction to the happy family hug (it’s great but someone is missing...). “Who we are... we kick ass. We save the world”

SAM AND DEAN ARE ACCEPTING THEMSELVES THIS SEASON. In 12x09 Sam said it, now Dean says it. After all the angst this episode and for Dean all season...

This whole episode was for me the culmination of the deconstruction of Performing!Dean this season, which has been the main theme carried through on the character - driven side of things, it was beautiful.

In many ways I view this as the character - led season finale and 12x23 as the plot - led season finale (which I will post my thoughts on right up next).

I cannot WAIT to see the result of this episode come across next season.

We have not only now Performing!Dean pretty much dead or on his way out, the Dean Winchester is going to die metaphor was fully used and was fantastic, but coupled with Cas being brutally taken away from Dean, the parallels with 2 key canon romantic couples (Sam/Jess and Cain/Colette) in this within SECONDS of each other, plus the Jibcon revelations that we will see more of Dean’s reaction to this in season 13, apparently crying (and Jared not even hiding Destiel jokes now) make me pretty much 100% convinced Destiel is really endgame now.

Aside from this we now have Dean accepting himself, his internal self acceptance arc coming to a close, Sam’s MoL arc coming up and I will touch on the other aspects of the story for Sam in the next post as they are relevant to Lucifer / Jack, and Cas’s arc too...

Season 13 is already set up for exactly the endgame I am wishing for!

Tink’s Endgame Wishlist :

- Mol! Sam (and Eileen, Chuck I’m still bitter about that though, I really hoped her death would turn out to be a misdirection). Pretty much CHECK.

- Hunter / Mol collaboration with Sam and Dean as leaders. Pretty much CHECK.

- End of the brodependency, Dean acknowledging he was Sam’s parent and letting him go. CHECK.

- End of Performing!Dean. Pretty much CHECK.

- Human!Cas and self worth and belonging for his arc. TBA probably next season, what happened this season makes no sense if not to lead to this.

- Destiel. Pretty much CHECK. (And now after seeing Jibcon and the boys just joking about it all the time? Yeah, I don't think they have an issue with this!).

- ALL THE RAINBOWS

#spn 12x22 #performing!dean #mary winchester #destiel #dean is bi #bi!dean #bunker #tinks meta #spn 12x22 meta

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survivormuxloe · 5 years

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Episode 14: “It’s Five Guys Burgers and Fries” - Mo

AAAAAA AHRRE IS GONE!!! IM IN FINAL 5!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THIS IS SO FUCKING EXCITING

its been so nervewracking this entire game holding my idol... not knowing when to play it... being a paranoid mess?? but im legit in f5. here. about to play my idol and show everyone that i had the social + strategical game to be able to NOT ONLY KEEP IT BUT FIND IT. like knowing im in f4 is so fucking validating and ik im not there yet but i'm not pulling a loris and giving myself 5th lol. and even better than that ryan has had his idol from fucking like day 2 and we've been able to keep them in this long and i love him soooooo much hes honestly one of my bestest friends nnnn

i just feel really bad bc ive acted to tobi that im his #1 for so long.. i told him about my idol.. i tricked him into voting ahrre @ 6 so that we could vote ryan at 5 knowing he has the idol like. idk if hes gunna forgive me. LOL ALNFJBFG but its just something i need to prove at ftc ):

i jus treally dont want 3rd again. i dont think i'll get 4th. i just. want a chance to showcase my game bc i'm so fucking proud of it you have no idea like.. i've been with the majority.. i've never voted wrong. ): i've had the social. i've had the strategy. i dont know what more i could possibly do to prove that this is a winning game and the most nervewracking thing is doing a live tribal where idk how the jurors are gonna react bc half of them probably hate me and i'm legit gonna put my heart and soul into speaking my game into like 5 mins and im just scared that the jurors r gonna discredit it like ya i was a cunt alkjfhbfg but i know i played one of the best games here n idk how i'd react on call liek id probably just full on leave.. alkjfnfg

idk this is just a really long confessional bc i needed to get my feelings out there lol im just rly close and itll really suck to go home so close after controllin this game

Okay, so Im here. Yay. I knew I was getting voted and others didnt want to split votes. So im happy Ahrre didnt have an idol. So im wondering now, its final 5... have there been ANY idols?. Have we just been blindsiding them all with their idols? Like what. So I need immunity just incase everyone but me has an idol.

So I feel like I really need to win this challenge. One because its final 5 and Idols. Two because I NEED Tobi to go this round. I brought up the idea to Scott and he said ye, but the conversation quickly ended after that, which scares me tbh. Regardless if I win or not, I am still going for Tobi, I recon he has the greatest chance of winning out of this final 5, so I need him gone. He is also good at immunities which just puts more stress on me making the finale. I think there is a chance I could win against Tobi, but there is a much better chance without him there next to me. Besides this is looking like a final 2 now, which makes my chances of getting to the end, relying on winning immunity

I WON IMMUNITY WOOO. HEHEHE

uhm. so i lost immunity. again. ALNFHBG reoccurring trend...

its cute tho. me and rhys are so similar and i love him sm and i cant wait to get to the end of this game with him hehe. :*

n then me and ryan are idolling and its like :)) yay. love him as well.

feel bad 4 tobi tho rofl

It’s Five Guys Burgers and Fries and APPARENTLY, Tobi and Ryan are targeting eachother which of course I’m like screaming with excitement on the inside because I think I’m going to beat my personal record of 5th. I might even make it to final tribal council, like I know that’s a stretch but IM SO HAPPY.

it's only day 35 huh.... we really have a final 2 HUH...... anyway yay Tobi didn't win immunity so yay we can take him out <3 Scott tells me him and Mo are under the impression i'm leaving but lol they got another thing coming. Rhys is also down to take out Tobi so whew. should be a cute moment at tribal with me n scott playing our idols but we'll see hehe

So it may be a final 3 now that I think about the days idk.

Regardless Tobi needs to go this round. Hardly anyone has started to talk which would scare me, if I didn’t have immunity. If Tobi goes this round I want to take Mo to the end. I know I can beat him then I just have to worry about Scott or Ryan.

i cant wait 2 IDOL!! i sure wont be using it successfully. bc im legit getting no votes NNNNN but. the point is. i'm here 2 stay. lol.

bye bye tobi hope u dont hate me in jury x

im so excited to use my idol and blast tobi out of this game tn.... not that i need the idol to do that exactly, but i'm excited for both hehe. it's kinda weird how this game has ended up unraveling... like, everything has gone my way pretty much and it didn't require all that much effort from me?? does that mean i played poorly omg or is that just how it be sometimes? hm. i can't say i'm 100% confident my game can earn me the win but i definitely feel like i played decently? i'm kinda sad it's probably gonna end up being a final 2 bc i wanted rhys and scott at ftc with me but oh well. i'm confirmed final 4, practically guaranteed a firemaking at least bc i dont think scott will turn on me at all and i wouldnt turn on him, so wig i have really good chances of making final 3 yayyyy. i've been thinking a lot about tribal tonight and what to say when i use the idol... i wanna make it good and impactful and send a message to the jury that hypes up my game a bit hopefully. idk we'll see if my shyness allows me to be extra lfkasd

the two truly vulnerable ppl at tonight's tribal, aka Mo and Tobi, are voting together for me instead of for each other hnnnnn i have to laugh. i think scott been playing them like a fiddle and i'm lowkey hoping they both end up really bitter at him so i can maybe win their jury vote hehe. also ugh i need to rack up at least 3 more votes so i can snatch the most votes crown from Michael... it would look better on me hm. i think i can do it if those 2 really vote me tonight and unless i dont go on an immunity run which... i wouldnt hate either

at this point i really hate luck comps this late into the game... like ugh but what can i do about it... rhys winning is better than ryan winning BUT it wouldve been nicer if me/scott/mo couldve won in case ryan pulls out an idol... we have a lot less flexibility going into tribal

So like scott has been lowkey shady lately BUT idk there really isnt much i can do about it at this point if he's blindsiding me since he has an idol and rhys has immunity soooo like its tea really... i know mo is 100% on board with voting out ryan and he asked scott and scott said ryan as well BUT it could be a lie to mo to cover up a blindside on me and like its highkey annoying that scott is the flip vote this round because he has connections and whatnot but he was also down for taking out ryan and like... taking me out at this point makes no sense because ryan making it far is sooo bad for his game LKHDLKJSA like ryan has been targetted the entire merge and he's still here... bringing that to ftc is so dangerous like i went to ftc once with someone like that... did not end well LMFAOOOO but ya this vote is extremely important and i could either be thriving with this vote or I could be royally fucked

So, tribal is in 30 minuets, Its between Tobi and Ryan? Tobi hadnt approached me about voting Ryan, so it shows I was right about wanting Tobi out. However the fact that he went to Scott over me, shows that Scott is playing a good game aswell. (Or people think me and Ryan are a duo? which ive heard before).

Tobi is voted out 3-2.

#royallyyours #episode

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